#if i could sum up my trauma to one single person

[pinkthrone445]

Hi! I was wondering if I could request a Melissa x reader where reader has a panic attack? Or really any kind of mental health related with her calming reader down

Also I love love loooove your fics!!

- 🪻

-"I'll protect you while you grief"-

Pairing:Melissa Schemmenti x Reader

Gender:Hurt, fluff, sad, protective Mel

Warnings:Mention of suicide, mention and description of panic attacks, mention of grief.

Summary:When you lose a loved one, Mel is there to help you with the grief.

I appreciate this request, it was very close to my heart to write it because I dealt with a lot of what I wrote, the loos and the attacks, I hope you like it. Thank you for putting an emoji that identifies you 💕

You weren't the best person facing your feelings, it wasn't something you did on purpose, it just happened. Every time something traumatic or sad hit your life, your body went into defense mode and you felt numb, feeling nothing good or bad for a while. You weren't very aware of when that process started, but your girlfriend Melissa noticed it very easily. She always noticed when you started to disassociate, you numb your feelings, you became distant, and your interactions were limited and cold. The worst part? There wasn't much that could be done but to be by your side until all the feelings decided to come out. Sadly, when your feelings locked up decided to come out, they caused you to have panic attacks or anxiety attacks, something you hated, but it happened without being able to avoid it or control it...

Melissa woke up as the morning light began to make its way through the curtains of the room, her hands searched for you on the bed to hug you, but they were only met with empty cold sheets. A little worried she got out of bed and headed to the dining room, a sigh of relief that she didn't know she was holding left her lips when she saw that you were in the kitchen making coffee

-"Morning hon... You're up early"-she whispered, hugging you from behind and you barely smiled

-"Yeah... I woke up a little while ago and I figured it was good if make you breakfast" - You whispered and kissed her cheek and then continued beating the eggs. Even though you couldn't see her, Mel had worry in her eyes, worry about you. It was rare that you slept little and got up before her. But it wasn't just that that worried her, it was a sum of situations.

A week ago, one of your closest friends came to see you and the redhead, it was just another afternoon like any other time she had visited, but the next day you received a call from her family, saying that your friend had committed suicide, apparently she had taken pills in large quantities and did not wake up again. Mel accompanied you to the funeral, saw you say your parting words and hugged her entire family, saw you be present at all times without shedding a single tear or a sob. Melissa knew you had gone into your protective mode from the moment you got the call and got the news, it was a response to trauma and pain, but it wasn't the best way to deal with the problem.

Your girlfriend tried to convince you to take a few days off school, but you didn't want to, you said that going to work would keep you distracted and fine. That had been a week ago and your girlfriend was worried and attentive to the moment when your body decided to free itself from the true pain and loss you were feeling.

Mel sat at the table eating the breakfast you had prepared for her, you just drank a cup of coffee saying that your stomach hurt to eat anything else. She knew that when you were unwell you didn't have much of an appetite, and you stared into nothing for long periods of time without blinking, moving, or saying a single word.

After breakfast the two of you went to school to work, while you were in the teachers' room, a thoughtless comment came from your lips

-"You know what? Lately every time I leave the house, there are butterflies chasing me, I love butterflies, but I find it weird..."-You whispered as you filled out your worksheet for today's class

-"I read in an article that there are times when we miss someone so much that they visit us in ways that seem familiar to them or that remind us of them, so that we know they are still with us" - Jacob thoughtlessly said one of his thousands of curious facts that were always in his head. Melissa looked worriedly at the tattoo you had on your wrist, it was a tattoo of a butterfly that you and your friend had decided to get together a few years ago. She thought that would be the straw that broke the camel's back, that your sadness would finally show, but you just nodded and let out a hum with a smile and then keep your focus on the paper in front of you.

A few minutes later, the alarm sounded announcing that it was time to go to the classrooms to greet the children, you took your things and kissed your girlfriend and then went to your class.

The rest of the morning passed normally, your class quiet as always and before you knew it, you were back in the teacher's room for lunch. Since Mel was going to take a little while, you decided to go outside to get some air while you waited for her. As you walked through the halls, you saw one of the new murals that had been painted to decorate the school, it was a beautiful park full of flowers and insects and butterflies... So many butterflies... Beautiful and delicate butterflies... So gor... Why was your heart beating so fast? Confused you looked down at your body, why were your hands shaking like that? Why was it hard for you to breathe? You felt like crying, why was it? You weren't feeling well at all and you didn't have much strength to move, you felt like you were about to break. Carefully you walked to your classroom, which was the closest thing to you, when you went through the door, you closed it and leaned on it, letting yourself fall until you reached the ground.

A few minutes later, Melissa entered the teachers' room excited and hungry, not seeing you there she asked the others if they knew where you were, if you already ate, when they told her that you had went outside, she went to look for you worried, she looked outside, in the garden, in the parking lot, even in the bathrooms and the terrace but nothing. Finally not knowing where else to go, she entered your classroom through the other door that was open, not seeing you at your desk Mel was about to leave again, until she heard a sob that caught her attention. She carefully looked at the floor and there she saw your fragile body that trembled with every sob that came from your lips, worried she ran to your side and knelt on the floor next to you without touching you, she knew that when you were having an attack like this it was better that she didn't touch you until you came back to reality a little or you would get worse.

-"Hon, hey baby... Look at me, it's me Mel, you're safe, okay? Look at me" - She whispered in a soft voice urging you to get your head out from between your legs and for your hands to stop covering your ears, as soon as you looked up, she smiled when she saw your eyes looking at her, silently congratulating you for listening and following her instructions. Your eyes were red, puffy and full of tears, your face red from the parts where your legs and hands had generated pressure on your head, your hands amd body still trembling intensely. The redhead wanted to hug you, hold your hands, and stroke your hair until it calmed you down, but you needed to come back to the present first. Your eyes lost their concentration again, but she spoke again-"No, no, look at me, that's it... Only me... Breath with me... Inhale as if you were smelling a flower, that is, hold it a little... Now exhale as if you're blowing a leaf with your lips, that's it my love, you're doing great, do it one more time with me... Perfect... Do you think you can do the five senses check with me?"-She asked and you nodded crying still unable to articulate words but a little calmer, at least you were breathing and not drowning in your own crying. The redhead carefully caressed one of your legs to distract your senses there-"Okey... Tell me 5 things you can see"-Melissa whispered and you sighed trying to calm yourself down more

-"Y-you... Your red hair, your leather jacket... The roof... And... And your necklace..."-You whispered in a weak voice and she nodded

-"Good... Now 4 things you can touch..."-she whispered again, they were exercises that helped you get back to the present and get out of the bubble you were trapped in inside your head

-"The floor... My jeans...My shirt... Your hand" - You whispered sobbing and took her hand, the redhead smiled and stroked your knuckles

-"That's my girl... Now, three things you can hear..."-She continued and you paid more attention to your surroundings and less to your mind

-"The ceiling fan... Ava's heels down the hall... And the birds outside" - Your voice was already more stable

-"Almost there... 2 things you can smell..."-The redhead whispered

-"The food from the lunch room... And your perfume" - You barely smiled just looking at her

-"Good, now the last thing, one thing you can taste..."-Mel caressed your hands and you sighed

-"My salty tears" - You finally answered by stopping crying and the redhead moved to hug you, carefully you hid in her chest, the calm of her heart made yours return to normal. You had a long time like that, she hugged you and caressed your back and you hide in her feeling safe.

-"You did great hon... Let's go home now ... I'll tell Ava what happened, you need to rest" - Mel whispered, and you nodded without much opposition, you felt like shit.

At school they gave you a couple of days off to rest and generate some closure with what was going on, Mel also asked for days to be with you, making sure you were okay, hydrated and ate. She also helped you grief.

You sighed as you looked at the paper in front of you in your hands and then looked at the park where you always used to go with your friend before she leave. A soft hand rested on your shoulder and you smiled at your girlfriend in gratitude for giving you strength and taking care of you

-"It's just you, her and me, no one else... Whatever you say to her, it will be completely for her, not for people at a funeral to judge how much you loved or knew her... Talk to her like you always did, she's listening to you..."-Mel whispered giving you your space and you sighed as you gathered strength

-" I'm mad at you"-You started by talking to your friend as if she was listening-"I'm mad that you left me, I'm mad at me for not figuring this out when you went to see me at home and for not being able to help you enough. Mel made me understand that I was there at all times that you needed, that if you went to see me to say goodbye to me, it was because you had already made up your mind and you didn't want anything to stop you... But it still wish I could have helped you more...I know you're at peace now... Finally and truly at peace. I know that some people decide how to live and you decided how and when to die and I have to respect that... But I'm angry because I miss you and I need you too much and you left me behind, I didn't expect to lose you so soon, but I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and for being a part of mine, you were always there in every important moment for me. I know when I come to this park I'll still be watching the cars go by waiting for you to get off one, I know that when I listen to our favorite songs I'll give you space even if you're not around anymore to sing your parts, I know that when I fight with Mel you will be the first one I wish to call to get you to agree with me even if I don't have the reason in the fight, I know every time I see a butterfly I'll think of you and how free your soul is now, I know that I will continue to watch our favorite movies still listening to the ghost of your laughter, I know that I will continue to use the sweeter that I stole from you years ago and promised to return you but I never did. I know that I will continue to miss you with every passing second and every heartbeat that I have, but I take comfort in knowing that you are now truly calm and happy now... I love you with my whole heart and I hope you will be waiting for me down there for when my turn comes, because I know that with the things we've done in our lives, you can't possibly be in heaven"-You joked with tears in your eyes-"I'll always miss you and I'll always love you" - You whispered and went back to Mel, the redhead hugged you and kissed your head, smiling with tears in her eyes matching your teary ones as she watched a small butterfly flutter around you

-"She is looking out for you... She loves you too" - The redhead whispered and you smiled hugging her tighter and watching the little butterfly dance around you two.

#melissa schemmenti soft #melissa schemmenti x you #melissa schemmenti fanfic #melissa schemmenti x reader #melissa schemmenti #lissa ann walter #lisa ann walter fanfic #lisa ann walter #melissa schemmenti abott elementary #abott elementary fanfic #abott elementary #abbott elementary fanfic #abbott elementary

[liyawritesss]

ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʟᴀɴ ɪꜱ ᴛᴏ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀꜱᴛᴀɴᴅ

Characters: Spider-Verse!Earth-42!Miles Morales & Spider-Verse!Earth-42!Rio Morales

Type: Fic

Word Count: 1.4k

Synopsis: Miles tries to show his appreciation for his mother, for all she’s done for him. Even if he can’t verbally say it sometimes; he understands. More than anyone.

Warnings: not a reader insert, so no use of y/n or second person. Mentions jeffersons death on earth-42, so grief mentions as well. Miles is sneaky and kinda sorta lies to mama rio but its all to keep things under wraps and to keep her protected.

A/N: Inspired by @luvjunie ’s 42!Miles Headcanons, specifically as it pertains to him helping his mom out in secret. This headcanon hit home for me and I wanted to write a little content specifically catered to our favorite momma’s boy and his mom

Song Suggestions: “Dear Mama”, “So Many Tears”, & “Keep Ya Head Up” by Tupac Shakur; “Rose In Harlem” by Teyana Taylor; “Broken Clocks” by SZA; “You Got Me” by The Roots, Erykah Badu, Eve, Tariq Trotter

Tags: @6-noir @babyboiboyega @badass-dora-milaje @jacuzziwaters @mbakuetshurisprincess @shuriszn @verachii @writingintheshadowsforever @cafehyunji @lulu-network @niyahwrites @pantherheart @marsfunzon22 @briology @honeybleed @romiantic @queenofthespiderverse @onlyperc @starsoir @yasminisbroke @asensitivecookie @kdyance @sussybaka10 @daisydark @ykimobessed

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For as long as Miles could remember, his mom’s dresser had been littered with jars.

Clear, glass containers varying in height and size lining the length of the mahogany wood, situated at the back edge and labeled for certain purposes. They’d helped her keep track of spending habits and separating money for important bills. He’s watched from his youth as his mother counted out the money from her paychecks carefully, dividing the sums into each jar, only being left with a few dollars to her name to last her for the next two weeks. He remembers the overwhelming feeling of helplessness that overtook his young frame as a child when the look of dejectedness flashed across her face.

All he’d ever wished for was to relieve his mother of the stress and prejudice that came with being a widowed single mother. Miles remembers most of his childhood being filled with anger from the pitied looks the other neighborhood moms gave to Rio at the grocery store, and the way people spoke of her as if she were a porcelain doll that needed careful tending due to her ‘vulnerable state’. While it was clear that the loss of Jefferson changed their lives completely, the combination of ingenuine concern from the surrounding community and lack of resources that Rio had access to, mixed with the very raw and still fresh gash of grief left in the now broken family, created a culmination of woe and desolation felt between mother and son; and unfortunately, despite the increased dependency of their bond, such feelings became difficult to express.

Rio became akin to the strong woman trope; the one where a woman of color was expected to pull through all obstacles with a smile on her face, with complete disregard for the turmoil and trauma that would be suffered.

Miles became the pitied son; always angry, always looked upon with false sympathy, always wishing to do better and be better so his mother wouldn’t have to worry about him.

The jars that littered his mother’s dresser soon became the driving force behind his desires to ease her stresses. So when he approaches his uncle with a fire in his eyes and a will power unlike anything he’s ever seen on the streets, it doesn’t take much convincing for Aaron to take the boy seriously.

He thinks back on the nights where he could hear the muffled sniffles of his mother in the next room over as he sneaks into her bedroom in the early hours of the morning. He’d just gotten home, and Rio would be pulling up any minute, so Miles has to make this quick. His book bag rests at his feet, forest green hoodie contrasting against the color of the dresser as he reaches for the tall glass jar labeled ‘RENT’, his dark brown hands pulling the glass container closer as he pulls out a wad of cash from his pockets.

Last time he counted, the jar was about two hundred dollars short of the proper amount that allowed them to call the flat their home. He carefully counts out three hundred from the wad of green in his hands, slips it into the metal slit at the top of the jar, and pushes it back to its original spot.

He does the same for the other glass jars labeled ‘LIGHTS’, ‘HEAT/GAS’, ‘WATER’, ‘WIFI’, ‘GROCERIES’, ‘CAR’, ‘ENTERTAINMENT’, and ‘OTHER’; slipping the amount he knows his mother usually puts into each jar with a little something extra for each one (also paying close attention to the entertainment jar, as there is never much of anything in it, an allusion to Rio’s near non-existent life outside of work and her son, something Miles desperately wishes to change for her). While the wad of cash in his hand slowly depletes, there's a pool of pride that swells in its place, knowing that his secret endeavors make a difference, even the smallest.

The sound of the front door opening and closing causes Miles to jump slightly in his place. He fixes the jars back in their original position, hurriedly making his way out of Rio’s room, careful not to bump into anything or cause any scuffle that could alert his mother’s careful eyes of a disturbance in her space. He all but comes to a halt when he turns from her door to find her standing in front of him, brows furrowed in question.

“Miles?” It doesn’t take long for him to notice the way the dark circles under her eyes sag a little more than the last time she’d been to work, or the pure exhaustion that seeps from her small voice, tired and desperate for sleep. “What were you doing in my room?”

“The door was open,” it’s a practiced lie, one he’s never had to use much, but always has on hand, especially when the false proof of his words are etched onto his mothers face already, “thought you were in already, but I ain’t see you, so I was just closing it before heading out.”

Rio blinks, and Miles watches as she mentally retraces her steps from the night before as she rushed off to work, but the exhaustion that sags her body doesn’t allow her to spend much time on it. “Oh, right; thank you, papa.”

It’s tired and drained, her voice, no doubt from yet another double she had picked up in order to make rent for the month. The first of the month had always been a tumultuous time, where Miles watched Rio disappear through the front door at eight o’clock in the evening, not to return until eight o’clock that morning, then repeat for the next day until the hours added up sufficely on the paycheck. The process was just as hard to watch as it was to endure. 

His eyes quickly darted down to the bags his mother was carrying, and without warning, Miles swept them from her hands, alleviating the additional weight that pulled his mother’s frame into a sulking position. Rio dared not to object to the act of service; it had always been his way of helping her after a long shift, even in his younger years as a child. She remembers his greedy, eager hands reaching for her lunch bag and bookbag, the latter of which was far to heavy for him to carry, but he still made an effort to haul the items into the bedroom and tuck them away in the corner while she tread into the kitchen to fix him a hot plate before school. An unspoken ritual the two did with the passing moments that they had, the older that Miles got. Rio would be lying to herself if she said she hadn’t grown fond of the never ending care in Miles’ eyes, and how no matter his age or life experiences, he was always there.

“I made some breakfast,” Miles says as he guides his mother to the bed, gesturing to the loungewear clothes that hung across the foot of the bed frame, “it’s in the microwave.”

“Is it edible this time?” Rio nudges, her joke earning her an airy chuckle from her son. 

“Wow, goin’ on me this early in the morning? That’s crazy.”

“I’m not the one who thought that pancakes were done when they’re charred around the edges.”

“Llegar, mamá, eso fue una vez!”

The laughter that echoes throughout the four walls of the main bedroom resonate through the walls, and the air becomes a little lighter than before, the pressure on their hearts ease just a bit. 

When he’s done making sure that his mother is set to rest for the rest of the day, Miles grabs his discarded bookbag from the threshold, and bids his mother a bittersweet farewell. As he disappears behind the bedroom door, he heaves a heavy sigh, the sound of his shoes echoing further and further away, before Rio finds herself heaving a sigh as well.

She dresses into the loungewear that Miles had set out for her, immediately slipping underneath the covers after closing the blinds and plugging in her phone. Sleep delirium begins to set in as her head makes contact with the pillows, and yet, her mind never ceases. She’s always thinking, always planning, always working on the next move. Always contemplating on how to keep the jars that litter her dresser full for the rent and bills to be paid. 

It doesn’t take long for Rio to succumb to it, however, and as she closes her eyes and slip off to slumber, she can’t help but notice how the jars do seem a little bit fuller than when she had left the night before.

#black reader #black tumblr #black marvel #black spiderman #spiderman into the spiderverse #spiderman across the spiderverse #spiderman beyond the spiderverse #spiderman itsv #spiderman atsv #spiderman btsv #miles morales earth 42 #earth 42 miles morales #e-42!miles morales #earth 42 rio morales #rio morales earth 42 #rio morales

[ironm4n]

wait I already asked for sum but I'm asking again — haha sorry

fem werewolf reader x garroth - my street location but after all the chaos so garroth is a werewolf too

nobody knows reader is a wolf as she got bullied for it when she was young, way before high school and she learned how to hide her ears and tail so she always did and eventually it became about of an afterthought at times although it was a topic she hates thinking abt

reader is Katelyn's best friend as they used to play volleyball together in pdh, garroth and everybody else obviously knows her too but Katelyn was closest with her. She always kept her friend group smaller than most and she was knows to be sweet, although she had an attitude and a sarcastic tone at times, which Katelyn loves most about her. tldr garroth and reader become close but he feels detached from everyone, as if he's keeping them at arms length, due to his trauma. Garroth has a breakdown in public when hanging w everyone (for reasons you can think of sorry Juliet 😭) and idk things happen and reader opens up to make him feel better and smooch they're baes

a/n this is such a fun request i LOVE this !! and tysm for requesting <3 i have a few other requests which I'll definitely get to eventually :)

not proof read !!! sorry, wrote this at half 2am and i really didn't wanna read it through😭

also the pic is from Pinterest:

Garroth Ro'meave x fem!Wolf!Reader.

Love.

A social construct made up by lonely people who find sorrow in their isolation. Yet, no matter how much versatility love had in the eyes and, most importantly, hearts of people, the pain and adrenaline and even the dependancy love can cause is seen as a fundamental process of loving and being "normal". Now, I know this sounds pessimistic and something that a typical single, and way too desperate to mingle, person would say, I adore the idea of love and the feeling it gives us. Sometimes, life feels so meaningless and unnecessary, so the feeling of love and even the hurt or happiness it can often bring can make us as people feel so much less alien.

Now, the reason i'm so fixated on the topic of romance is due to the current predicament i find myself in. In high school, my friend Aphmau fell desperately in love with Aaron Lycan, it was cute. What was even cuter was the fact they stuck it out and are even currently engaged! Sure, we lost a figurative single soldier who ended up being taken but that was fine, it was fun fos us to gossip about and hope we could have what they have. Kawaii— no, Nana got into a relationship with Zane which was... unexpected to say the least, but it was nice to know Zane had opened up to someone other than Aphmau and that Nana finally had something she had always wanted. Katelyn broke up with Jeffory in high school too, she went through a tough time but i knew my best friend was going to be okay, and soon enough she was. However, what was NOT okay was that she ended up in a relationship too! I mean, of course she's an adult and i want the best for her and i truly am happy but wow, now i have the least amount of relatability, even to my best friend, all because Travis finally wooed her. I hadn't expected to be the only one on mystreet that was single.

Well, only single female, that is. There was Dante, who still had yet to manage his own love life but he recently went on a journey of self discovery and trying to be happy with who he is and not feel as though he had to change himself in order to be loved romantically. Kim and Lucinda were also single, although they never showed much interest in getting into a relationship, well not Lucinda at least. Kim seemed like she might just be too awkward to even try. But they didn't matter, i wasn't all that close with them, even though Lucinda and Kim felt closer than Dante due to the events of what had happened at the lodge... yeah, those experiences definitely brought us closer.

There was also Garroth...

Garroth Ro'meave, what a character. He's somebody that is incredibly attractive, objectively of course - i personally don't have feelings for him. He has this gorgeous head of sandy blonde hair, long enough to tie up into a tiny ponytail but still short enough to have tendrils of a mellow gold sticking out at the front. His skin was a pretty tan colour, he went outside alot and although he put on sunscreen, he never really bothered to apply more throughout the day so especially after coming back from holiday, his skin was lovely, sunkissed even. And although i could go on and on about his muscles and peculiar yet endearing fashion sense - I've yet to mention his best feature.

His eyes.

They were Sapphires, beautiful gemstones that shone with such luminosity that only the most expensive crystals could achieve. Although, the colour of his eyes moreso resembled Aquamarines, or perhaps even Blue Agates. His eyes were even more radiant when he smiled or laughed, and oh my god was his smile charming to say the least.

Everything about him was just - wow..

But again, don't get an ill idea, I simply see him as a friend. Maybe even a close friend. After the lodge, we had all gotten closer, especially as the feeling of loneliness often felt deadly at times.. Garroth and I had gotten much closer after the lodge, especially at Starlight as many tensions had eased between everyone and people had finally relaxed. Even now, we hang out much more often as we are some of the only single ones out of our close friends so we just gravitate towards eachother.

Unfortunately, I had grown a bit more distant from Katelyn, my ultimate best friend. After coming back from the lodge, we all spoke of course but there was so much.. uncertainty and lack of trust. It was as if we needed to reevaluate our friendships and see if they were genuine and not just Ein somehow hurting us again. We were broken. And of course the others that were not at the lodge didn't understand the change. Katelyn was never truly in touch with her emotions nor how to handle them, let alone other people's emotions. Of course she had realised there was a slight shift in my behaviour, especially as it wasn't just me. Everybody had noticed Aphmau's depression, and Katelyn was growing more confused. She wasn't able to speak to me as seriously as she wanted to or as deeply as she wanted to, so i managed to undermine how i was feeling each time she had asked. But, we both knew that a lack of much needed communication can cause cracks or gaps in friendships. Although it was obvious she felt guilty for not "getting through to me", I knew i was at fault.

Katelyn hasn't tried asking about the lodge or anything else about the time period of which we all came back from there since. She must realise how much of a sensitive topic it is. And, although I sometimes feel lonely knowing she's out having fun not missing me and instead replacing our hangouts with dates with Travis, I'm happy she's happy and I'm happy i have Garroth now too.

Truth be told, Garroth went through unforgettable things, specifically being turned into a werewolf via excruciating pain and suffering. He doesn't like talking about it, and while his ears and tail are always out, he doesn't like people mentioning them or bringing them to everybody's attention. He wasn't ready for the kinds of conversations he knew he was bound to have with everybody if he allowed them to talk about them or even just acknowledge them.

He just wanted to be Garroth, it seemed. And he was never not Garroth to me. I wish he realised that I of all people would understand.

I, too, am a werewolf - well, a wolf at least, but I've always hidden it. Nobody knows, I always intended to tell everybody but i was so so scared.. I was bullied relentlessly in my younger years for being a wolf.

I never had it easy, I was adopted by humans that didn't know i was a pup right away, so when my ears and tails had been shown after they had already signed the adoption papers, they kept me. They didn't know how to raise a pup so they brought me up like they would a human and unfortunately sent me to a human school.

I went to human schools up until high school, so until i was 14. Needless to say, it was the worst. I got beaten physically and verbally, jumped, stolen from and some people even tried to light my fur on fire, so i forever have had a burn scar on my left ear. Although i seemed brave and string after those experiences, i never got over them. Sure, i moved forward, but i dont think i ever truly moved on. Yes, Garroth and I have different experiences but I so desperately sympathise with him as i understand the pain these transitions can cause, and even just what being a wolf can cause. I want him to let me in, but there's no way in hell I'll force him into that. So for now, my friendship with him is enough.

I care for him deeply, and although i said i didn't have any interest in him, it was a pretty obvious lie.. I don't know if i would say i love him yet as its incredibly early to say such rash things but I definitely like him more than anybody should be able to like someone. But after what he's been through, I doubt romance is even on his mind, let alone me.

~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

I turned on my side, staring aimlessly out of my window that resided next to my bed. The sky was an endless sea of midnight blue which was littered with glimmering stars.

I sighed.

I checked my phone around 10 minutes ago, so it was currently around 04:48 am if i had remembered correctly. It was getting harder and harder to sleep, and it didnt help that i kept thinking of Garroth.

Helping Garroth. Hanging out with Garroth. Liking Garroth. The beauty of Garroth. Just Garroth.

It was like a fever dream, only thinking of one person in millions of separate scenarios, i sound like an obsessed fan. I cringed, knowing i had to get up at about 11am tomorrow at the latest as I had to be at Aphmau's house by 12. She was having a hangout with everybody on mystreet as she felt like everybody had been so tense after recent events, she was always so sweet and looked out for everyone.

Well, I guess I need to at least try to sleep.

~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

Yawning, my clenched my fists and rubbed my eyes with them, i looked beside me at my bedside table where my digital alarm clock was.

10:13.

I was kinda proud of myself for getting up at a somewhat reasonable time and getting at least 5 hours of sleep. I had some pretty bad eyebags from having sleepless nights often, but i always hid it with makeup.

I got ready within around an hour and a half leaving around 20 minutes to walk to Aphmau and Aaron's place. I was actually really pleased, i felt nice today. I sprayed myself with my favourite perfume and left my place, grabbing my phone and keys before i left. I saw Zane ans Nana holding hands as they walked into Aphmau's house a few houses down, they were super adorable to be honest.

I walked to her house and hugged Aph as she greeted me. I sat down and glanced around the room, immediately realising i had been the last to arrive. I sat down next to Garroth which was one of the only seats not occupied by a couple. Everybody was chatting loudly in a fun light hearted manner, clearly happy to feel free of any tension towards one another. I turned to Garroth, wondering why he had kept so quiet.

Immediately, I had a good idea of why.

His normally honey toned skin looked pastey and blotchy, his eyes were red and tearful and his hair was unkempt. Had nobody else noticed the support he clearly needed??

"Garroth.."

He turned to me and attempted to give me a sweet smile and whilst he looked pretty like usual, it was disingenuine and full of melancholy.

"Yes, Y/N?"

I just looked at him, and my sympathy must have been misunderstood as pity as he suddenly stood up and spoke, "Don't do that."

"Do what?" I got up too, wanting to be on the same level as him.

"Give me that look o-of pity! Don't pity me, Y/N. I'm strong."

"I know that Garroth I just—"

"Just stop!" He exclaimed and although it wasn't loud enough for many other to hear, thank god, it had left me feeling scared for him. I just wanted him to be okay, dammit.

He left Aphmau's house, i quickly ran to the kitchen to say goodbye to Aphmau. I felt no need to expose Garroth to her so i came up with the classic "family emergency" excuse. Somehow, it worked and she allowed me to leave in my hurried state. Assuming Garroth went to his house, I ran over there as quickly as I could, which wasnt too hard considering I was a wolf, and knocked on the door. Unfortunately, it had been left open anyways so I peered in, seeing Garroth curled up on the couch, his ears drooping.

I walked in quietly and closed the door, although his long distance hearning abilities due to his new werewolf attachments heard me.

"Y/N please, i don't want your pity." I sat down on the floor just below him so i could see him face, although his eyes were looking at anything but myself, "Good thing I'm not here to give you pity, then."

His gaze softened and he spoke in a murmer, "Sorry for raising my voice." Tears were threatening to fall down his face, something he unfortunately looked like he was used to. I held his hands in mine, "Don't apologise. You're allowed to be upset, hell it would be abit odd if you weren't. No matter what ears you have, human or otherwise, or if you have a tail or not, you're always going to be my Garroth. This hasn't changed a thing."

His face tensed as tears cascaded down his cheecks, "You're too sweet to me... but no matter what you say, i know you don't understand. Not as well as you think you do. I'm never going to be the same Garroth i was because nobody will see me the same way. But i cannot handle the looks of pity i get..."

I kissed the backs of his hands, rubbing my thumbs soothingly against them, trying to add some sort of comfort that wasn't too invasive or overwhelming. The last thing i wanted was to drive him away. "Garroth, i understand more than you think i do."

He was still refusing to look at me, closing his eyes as he tried to prevent more tears from spilling. I allowed my ears and tail so show, I don't do it often so it felt foreign and hinestly, it was uncomfortable and way too vulnerable for my liking. But i knew it might help Garroth, and i was willing to take the chance.

"Look at me Garroth."

He didn't reply and instead jjst kept his eyes closed, "I said look at me." I tried to command, although it came out quietly and softly as I didn't want to add fuel to Garroth's fire.

He opened his eyes and — "what is this?"

"I.. am a werewolf. Well, a wolf. I was born one."

He was in a state of shock, "I didn't know.." I laughed uncomfortablely, "Yeah.. nobody does. I was ashamed, i got bullied by humans as a kid so much that my fear was domineering and I never really showed them. Having human parents adopt me didn't help either and they didn't understand me."

Garroth looked at me with a look that finally meant he understood, "You understand me because...you went through the lonliness and shame too." I nodded, "Garroth, I care so much about yoy to the point I can't sleep sometimes because of worry or out of happiness knowing I'll see you the next day or even just staying up thinking about how cute your stupid goofy smile is but—"

He gasped and I had thought i said too much and overstepped a boundary, "You think my smile is stupid and goofy?" He inquired dramatically and for the first time in a while, I laughed wholeheartedly, "Shut up, you know thats not what i meant!" "Well thats what you said!"

I smiled at his as our bickering dulled, "But seriously. I like you Garroth, more than a friend should, and you had me worrying so much but in reality, you're always going to be my Garroth to me, ears and a tail aren't gonna change that. Although they are devilishly cute."

He blushed and I removed my hands from his and wiped the tears off of his face. I kissed his cheek as he stuttered in response and merely kissed mine back. We didn't speak after, because words were not needed, the only thing were needed in that moment was eachother.

#garroth romeave #aphmau #mystreet #minecraft #x reader

[queenof3ferrets]

Since seven people have given me the green light, I’m gonna briefly sum up my hatred for Focalors in a few (okay-maybe more) sentences. Warning, I swear. (And if you don’t share my opinion and want to be rude, I kindly ask you to leave because this is just my opinion.)

She didn’t do sh*t.

She’s like that one person in a group project that pitches in at the very last moment and then takes half the credit.

She says she didn’t wait around while Furina suffered but all I see is her playing with legos and slowly building her death-sword while Furina did all the hard work and suffered without rest.

AND THEN SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO CLAIM FURINA’S WORK AS HER OWN BECAUSE THEY’RE “essentially the same person”

BULLSH*T.

I get it, Focalors “saved Fontaine with her sacrifice”. NO SHE DID NOT. Furina saved Fontaine with her sacrifice. And all she got was a thank you from a bubble.

DID ANYONE ELSE THANK FURINA AFTER THE PROPHECY?!

Because as far as I can tell, Furina needed to succeed in tricking everyone—AND I MEAN EVERYONE. So that Focalors could enact the rest of her plan. Furina carried, and she carried HARD.

And to be honest, I was pretty mad at everyone when they turned their backs on Furina in the trial. She said she had a plan, but they broke Furina’s trust anyway. And when I mean they, I mean Neuvillette and Clorinde, Sigewinne, Traveler, Lyney, EVERYONE.

So while everyone mourns the death of Focalors, I’m here worrying about Furina cuz she sacrificed every part of herself to save Fontaine from the prophecy. And NO ONE seems to care.

I’m even pretty sure she has identity issues and major trauma because of it. No, I’m definitely sure.

And what does she get? A single sorry from the one who made her suffer, and who knew she would suffer.

Sometimes it feels like Focalors saw her more like a doll than a human. “You truly are my ideal” she said. “Furina’s humanity is what made her perfect”

At least the ARCHONS respect FURINA. They should all go to Fontaine and give her a hug. And tell her she did a good job.

*takes a deep breath*

So, I’ve got one last question.

What would have happened to Furina if she said no?

Would she be re-absorbed(and basically killed) into the divinity half of the hydro archon until a human counterpart said yes? Would Focalors plead with her? Or control her to say yes? Or would that be that and Fontaine gets flooded?

Just think about that for a while.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Genshin Impact with all my heart, but I’m just mad about how everyone, especially Focalors, treated Furina in game. And it was an awesome archon quest! But I won’t be crying over Focalors anytime soon.

Furina deserves all the love. <3

#genshin spoilers #genshin impact #furina de fontaine #focalors #angry rant #I’m totally neutral about Focalors because she DID die for Fontaine #for now #though I’m still very mad at her #it was such a cruel thing to do to Furina #avid believer of Furina protection #Furina needs a hug #Furina #Neuvillette #genshin traveler #clorinde #sigewinne #genshin navia #don’t even get me started on her story quest #fontaine #nation of hydro #god of justice

[midnight-moth]

Cw death / grief/loss mental health things but tldr all im grateful for all the little people inside my computer/phone

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. It gives me many complicated feelings that I won’t get into but can be summed up as I hate him but there’s some kind of biologically informed attachment. My mom is also dead. I wanted to write she’s gone but that implies she could come back. I don’t know why but I feel the need to sugar coat the fact that my parents are dead to make the information more palatable for others. I find myself saying things like it’s ok, no don’t apologize.

I end up consoling people after they ask about my family and what I’m doing for the holidays and I inevitably tell them this. In general it’s my instinct to minimize every emotion I have even though I have huge feelings about everything. I also have a lot of empathy. (The stereotype that ASD/nd ppl don’t have empathy is very much BS) So much that it makes it hard for me to not want to console or in some way help every single person I care about if they’re in pain in any way. Like I mean anyone. Online mutuals to irl friends.

So many people have a hard time with the holidays. So many people have a hard time with winter. So many people are just having a hard time. I don’t blame anyone for the way I process these things but between my regular mental health issues, the additional pain that the holidays bring, the dead parents thing, and the collective mental health of everyone around me crumbling, it feels real heavy.

Normally I just disappear. I also dont talk about how I feel. I feel guilty for saying I feel sad. I feel like a burden for expressing any negative emotions. It all inevitably comes spewing out when I feel safe enough with one person to do it. Even then I try to soften the blow of my own trauma.

This is more like a diary entry than a post I want or expect people to read. And it’s because I am sort of saying this into the void of the internet rather than a person so it isn’t attached to the inherent guilt I feel for basically being who I am. I guess I just wanted to vent, but also to say that it doesn’t matter how small it is, every little comment or conversation I have here means something to me. I don’t have a lot of irl friends. (I mean I have like two) one who I got into an argument with when I told them my name and pronouns of choice and it was ugly)) anyways…

I just appreciate all of you. And maybe I should have put that above the cut because everything under it is probably either very triggering or very depressing to read. So sorry if you did venture under here and that happened.

A disclaimer of sorts. I know very well that people see posts like this as attention seeking, validation seeking, whatever. First of all, that’s kind of the opposite of what I want. hence why I don’t express any of these things to anyone irl. I really don’t like having anyone’s focus on me. I don’t want to be perceived most of the time.

But Also, what’s wrong with needing those things? I’m tired of seeing people being shamed because they need care, support, reassurance, love. And shamed for it online. Maybe they can’t find it in real life. Trashing someone for that is really the most despicable thing.

I know this is all very disjointed but whatever if you read all this you deserve a cookie.

#yes the Christmas ghouls cheered me up immensely #cw grief and loss #cw rant

[beawritingbooks]

Ronance (Robin and Nancy ship) headcanons?

You probably won't like this, but I do not ship Robin & Nancy. I think that they could become friends, mainly because they will have formed a trauma bond, but I don't see them ever becoming a romantic item.

I actually hc Nancy as a heterosexual/aromantic person. Like, I think she enjoys sex with men, but she often seems annoyed with her partners the second she has to commit to and engage in a long-term romantic relationship with them.

Imo, I think that Nancy is a rocket ship, and the men she chooses to date weigh her down.

Jonathan doesn't want to rock the boat at all, because after a lifetime of struggling he wants things to be stable and predictable. Steve, who seems lonely, wants something far too traditional and crowded for Nancy's tastes.

I truly think with her intelligence and determination that, if she'd set out on her own in university, she'd take off and reach heights that Jonathan and Steve don't really want to reach.

Also, even if I saw Nancy and Robin as a potential couple, they wouldn't work out.

Here is my reasoning: you NEVER fuck your friends' exes.

You just don't. I don't care if your friends say that they're cool with it, either. It's a conflict of interest and a betrayal.

For context, I'm going to share a piece of my lore with you.

In high school, a friend of mine got together with my ex & she and I stopped being friends after that.

Here is the thing, I was not in to my ex at all any more. He cheated on me. The second I found out, every single feeling I had for him instantly died because I realized that he wasn't the guy that I thought he was.

So, I washed my hands of him. Good riddance to bad rubbish, and all that.

Then, a few weeks later at a party, my friend publicly confessed to me that she liked my ex, and she even asked me if she could officially date him (meaning that she had already been flirting, sexting, & unofficially dating him since a little after he and I parted ways).

She knew I couldn't say "no" either in that setting, or I'd be seen as the bad guy that didn't want two single people to be happy together.

Now, here is the thing, I wasn't upset about him liking her, or even her liking him. They were both attractive people, and they could both be charming & likable when they wanted to be. So, it wasn't like I couldn't understand why they'd be in to one another.

What I was upset about was that my friendship with her meant so little to her that she'd want to be with someone that hurt me.

That's where the betrayal came in.

She pursued and prioritized a relationship with a person that hurt me so deeply, and I could never look at her the same way or trust her again after that. The reason for that is because no true friend could/would do that to someone that they cared about.

So...to sum up, due to the fact that Steve and Robin are platonic soulmates, and with my belief that soulmates wouldn't hurt one another in such a manner, that's why I can never ship romantic Ronance or even see it working out long-term.

#stranger things #ronance #platonic soulmates stobin #lgbt+ #lgbtqia+ #lgbtqia2s+

[gameguy20100]

Baldur's Gate 3 Companions ranked.

So I’ve played BG3 a few times. And Id like to rank the companions. I’ll be judging them on usefulness in gameplay and personality. Keep in mind, my list so don’t pounce on me in the reblogs. And let’s begin.

1) Shadowheart

Usefulness: 5/5. Shadowheart is a cleric. This makes her the most useful companions due to her healing and buffs. I’ve almost never done a playthrough without her. Her thief skills are also extremely useful. Lockpicking and disarming traps is always useful. 

Personality: 4/5. Shadowheart is a very reserved person who doesn’t like talking about herself. And always tries to make out that she doesn’t care. But she’s clearly a lot less selfish than she thinks she is. I see a lot of potential in her character development 

2) Gale

Usefulness: 5/5 Gale is a wizard. Wizards are amazing due to their vast selection of spells. While he is dependent on the amount of spell scrolls and gold you can find, it’s worth it.  Buff, debuff, utility, damage. Wizards can do it all!

Personality: 3/5 Gale’s personality will either make him the best in the party or the worst. He has a rather big ego and brags about how powerful he is. While he does show that he’s not all talk and has a vast amount of magical knowledge. I do understand that arrogance is a big turn off. So he’s only getting a 3.

3) Lae’zel.

Usefulness: 4/5 Lae’zel is by far the toughest of the party Her weapon and armour skills make her the best frontliner. Able to deal, and take absurd amounts of punishment. Sadly that’s all she can do. With no other skills she’s really only useful for combat. Of course, you get into combat a lot so I don’t consider that a negative.

Personality: 2/5 Lae’zel is rude, abrasive, bloodthirsty and racist. Pretty much every word out of her mouth is about how much better Githyanki are and doesn’t care about anything but finding her clan. She suffers the most from the game being in Early access because her story has nowhere to go yet. As of now. She’s the least likeable but I do see potential.

4) Wyll

Usefulness: 3/5 Wyll is a warlock. Warlocks have an issue in that they lack the versatility of wizards, or the raw power of Sorcerers. But is clearly meant to be a similar role of nuker/controller. He only has two spell slots and will burn though them quickly. So more often than not you just spam Eldritch blast. Not bad, but others can be better.

Personality. 3/5 Wyll is a hero to the core. Or at least trying to be. His ideals clashing with his hatred and desire for vengeance makes for a very interesting character. I’m looking forward to see where it goes. 

5) Astarion

Usefulness: 1/5 Astarion suffers a lot in gameplay. His damage output is at it’s best when he can sneak attack. Sadly sneak attack is only really useful against a single target. This game loves to throw groups at the party. And he has no real skills to back him up. He can pick locks and disarm traps, but so can Shadowheart. He can deal damage, but so can everyone. He can sneak around, but I never found a use for that. He’s just not as useful as the others.

Personality: 2/5 If I could sum Astarion up in one word it would be edgy. Another would be arsehole. Constantly complaining when I do anything other than mock and belittle people for their trauma, And a guy who disapproves of freeing slaves or stopping a child from being killed is not a guy I want to get to know. His only real redeeming quality is that he’s fun to watch. He would make a fantastic antagonist, sadly as a party member he’s just irritating. 

So, that’s my list. Thanks for your time. Agree? disagree? Whatever lets just have fun.

#baldur's gate 3 #BG3 #bg3 shadowheart #bg3 gale #bg3 lae'zel #bg3 wyll #bg3 astarion #comparison #list #ranking

[skylaryozora]

Hey!! I know my question will be basic, but if you had to rate winx ships (Musa&Riven, Flora&Helia, Stella&Brandon, Tecna&Timmy, Aisha&Nabu, Bloom&Sky) in a scale from your favourite to your least favourite, how would it be?? I am just curious haha. By the way, your art is so amazing!!

Hello anon! Oh, no, it's not basic at all, I think I have actually never rated Winx ships before, so maybe it's high time for me to do a personal ranking. And thank you so much for appreciating my art!

Musa and Riven - I mean, it's not a shocker if you've been following me on IG or here on Tumblr. They have always interested me the most, for numerous reasons. I sometimes like to think they are the example of "she fell first, but he fell harder". It wasn't obvious they will become a couple in S1, but already then Riven was given a chance to face his demons which was intriguing to see since he's a secondary character after all, but it showed a side of him which then foretold his development later on in the series. In S2 they have a slow, gradual progression which ends with a dramatic, emotional kiss. In S3 and S4 they do have ups and downs which seem to stand out, and because of that people tend to focus very often on the downs. Unfortunately, the show's writing leaves a lot to be desired, and it did them dirty because I'm of the opinion that Musa should have realized she also needs to work on herself to ease the unnecessary tension in this relationship which more often that not stems from poor communication. Riven does have a substantial character development in S4, and I'd love Musa to grow too and understand that she could become an emotional sanctuary for him. If I were to try to sum up why I am particularly fond of them, it's because of this special depth and potential in their relation: two emotional wrecks with tough childhood and traumas subconsciously feel they would understand each other very well, but instead clash due to communication issues, and yet they crave each other and so should make an effort to understand each other better, in order to create a one of a kind, thriving relation. Of course I do have my headcanons which have an impact on my view of them, and I would write a lot of things differently (I constantly come up with something while rewatching). Anyway, watching a seemingly unadjusted couple becoming well-adjusted to each other over time is simply something that fascinates and satisfies me.

Aisha and Nabu - Another interesting one, and also not so obvious at the beginning. What makes them similar to Musa and Riven is that they also seem to have lonely and sad childhood. Single and happy throughout S2, Aisha was devastated to know she was supposed to end up in an arranged marriage with a guy she doesn't even know. At that time her animosity towards men is even more intense, and her relation with Nabu started... unpromisingly, because Nabu was spying on her. Of course the spying was without malicious intentions, because he wanted to see and learn something more about his future fiancee before approaching her, but that still left a poor first impression, especially because he was exposed in the public. As S3 goes on, Nabu turns out to be a trustworthy wizard who also eventually confesses to Aisha about his fleeing from Andros and reveals his real name, and admits how wrong it was to spy on Aisha. All of that makes her soften and she develops strong feelings for him. In S4 they don't stir unnecessary drama when it's revealed guys went to Earth to provide additional protection for Winx, but they cherish their time together to the fullest. I noticed that this relationship made Aisha go from being in masculine energy (S2/23) to more feminine energy (S4). I dare say that if it hadn't been for Nabu and if she had been single at the beginning of S4, I'm pretty sure she would have also lashed out at guys for "not trusting them that they're fine on their own". Instead, when guys arrive once again to help them, Aisha radiates pure joy and shouts "NABU! I'm so happy to see you again! (...) It's all good now that you're here!", which shows how much in love she's with him, and that she has no problem being dependent or receiving help from a guy anymore. They had quite a lot of screentime in S3 which made me attached to them, and in S4 they're the strongest ray of sunshine among all the couples in my opinion (I won't talk about how this relationship ended ;-;).

Stella and Brandon - Their S4 drama left a scar on my view on their relationship, but apart from that they're really precious and do have potential to be like Morticia and Gomez Addams, who are often referred to as couple goals. They are both flirtatious and deeply in love with each other. Stella doesn't give a fluff about Brandon's lower social status, and she's always happy to see him. In S2 she was dead serious about rescuing Brandon whatever and however long it took, while Sky (Brandon's best friend) didn't seem to be concerned about him at all... In S3 Brandon made her realize he and other people love her for who she is, not for her looks. There are probably more things I want to say about them, but can't remember them now, so let me just say that in my eyes they ooze an aura of lightness and authenticity which I guess is what makes them pleasant to watch.

Tecna and Timmy - Some say that the majority of Timmy's personality is centered around being Tecna's boyfriend, and I kinda agree with it, because again we know little to nothing about Timmy's background. Surely he has a lot of common with Tecna, and that's basically their passion towards IT, computers, logic, and all of that. We fortunately got some insight into how Timmy feels about Tecna when she was gone for a while, and Timmy's tearful confession about Tecna's being his best friend made my heart melt. While watching S4, I noticed Tecna softened a lot since she's with Timmy, and contrary to expectations, they are fine with public display of affection. I don't have a lot more to say about them, but I do think they are interesting: a serious, overly-logical tech geek meets an awkward, shy tech geek, and there we go, a relationship blooms. You could say that common passion brought them together.

Flora and Helia - These two are both very romantic and they match aesthetic-wise, but ngl due to little screentime, they are quite forgettable to me XD at one point I seriously forgot that Helia exists even though he already was Flora's boyfriend. That notwithstanding, I do like their first encounter which highlighted the fact that Flora noticed something about Helia's drawing which other people overlooked. She also gains her Charmix thanks to mustering enough courage to confess her attraction to him. But then again, Helia isn't much more than just Flora's boyfriend when you think about how the show is written, and as any other guy (maybe apart from Sky xD) deserves to have his background and personality explained more.

Bloom and Sky - Well, I think I'm just tired of them. In the series they have a lot of screentime (two first movies are basically centered around these two), but I feel like despite all the spotlight they got little development. I certainly don't like that Sky likes to invent problems and disappear out of the blue, ghosting Bloom and giving her emotional rollercoasters, while she acts naive and too forgiving towards him. I do find them overly sweet to my taste as well. They do have their good sides too, of course, (e.g. Sky does support Bloom a lot when she feels down, provided he's by her side at the moment), but in my eyes there is just too much of them.

And what's your ranking? Comment below!

#winx club #winx ships #winx couples #winx rivusa #winx skloom #winx nabisha #winx brella #winx brandella #winx timna #winx florelia #ranking #ask skylar #winx #winx commentary

[iezeradd]

One of the recurring themes in my story, one of the things that is extremely important to me to get across through the narrative, is how we are all connected, how everything matters.

I have other important recurring themes as well like othering, generational trauma, inner conflict, fear of being irrelevant, addiction, healing, found family, personal growth, self-sacrifice, and finding yourself through others, to name only a few.

But to me, the most important one is this connectedness and it's something i think about a lot. It's not one of those "everything happens for a reason" "god works in mysterious ways" type things. It's simpler than that, but still infinitely more complex. It's a tightly woven web of cause and effect.

Everything my characters do or say, everything that happens to them, every choice they make or have taken away from them... it all has an impact somewhere else down the line. Nothing is in a vacuum. It all matters. Everything matters. And there's no clear cut good or bad in there either. Real life isn't all black and white and neither are my characters' lives.

One small (haha right) example, one single thread in the web:

When he was a child, Nèceù had an older brother who died trying to save a dhole pup from a mudslide. Since he was now the eldest son, Nèceù was the one who received the old family razor when he came of age, an old family tradition passed down from father to eldest son as a way to say "You are a man now." This enabled him to give it to Nuallef when he left home to find someone who could permanently alter his body so he could transition. His uncle's gesture convinced Nuallef that he was on the right path and strengthened his resolve to keep searching even though he often wanted to give up and go home.

When he found what he was looking for, Nuallef also found Namr'qu. He befriended her, learned her language, and eventually traveled to her country to let her family know she had died. He stayed in Onsharhe because he knew the language. That's where he met Takka, and the two of them changed each other's lives in about a million ways but most importantly, their relationship saved Takka's life.

And now Takka is helping Kurun make corrupt cops and fascists disappear, potentially impacting millions of lives and shifting the political landscape of the entire world, but also impacting those people's families. And this wouldn't be happening at all if some random person hadn't shared Nuallef's art with Kurun while he was in a state that allowed it to resonate with him, which led to them becoming friends which meant that Nuallef was able to encourage Kurun to use his fortune for the greater good, a fortune he wouldn’t have if he hadn't had help recovering from substance abuse...

And so on and so forth.

None of the threads can exist on their own, independently from one another. None of them appear linked, but they are. Like we are. We never know how far our actions and words can reach. And I think that's important.

I think it's important in the face of a system that's collapsing violently, of a world that's burning down around us, of a society that's so painfully individualistic and nihilistic, to remember that everything matters. In real life it's a lot more mundane and less grand than in a dark fantasy plot of course, but it still matters. The choices we make or don't make never happen in a vacuum.

I'm writing a 10k page epic about queer monsters that could be summed up as this:

Be kind to yourselves and each other because everything matters.

#iezwrites #unhinged ramblings #oc nuallef #oc takka #oc neceu #oc kurun

[euphorial-docx]

Hi Mary i think you have very exceptional taste in movies, music art in general. I wanted to ask you whether you could share what are your few favourite movies and series that you could recommend (besides bones and all, that I know you love and I am already obsessed with) hope your having good calm time and enjoying the summer

hi! thank you very much! and i love that it’s a Thing that i love bones and all. i’m very happy to be branded by that movie lmao.

here are all my favorite movies and shows (separated), and the reasons why i love them because i cannot help myself from sharing my opinions <3

my favorite movies:

hellboy (2004, dir guillermo del toro) — i watched this movie with my dad often as a kid. guillermo del toro blends so many genres into this movie without it feeling inconsistent, and the production, costuming, and hair and makeup is just gorgeous. i feel this is a criminally underrated comic book adaptation.

waves (2019, dir trey edward shultz) — this movie is something else in a great way. i don’t think i’ve ever seen a movie structured, edited, and shot like this. the use of screen resolutions and the camera work make it very visually interesting the entire way through. the acting is also phenomenal (and it’s the movie that made me fall in love with taylor russell)

juno (2007, dir jason reitman) — another one from my childhood. there’s something so cozy about this movie to me. the actors are great, the dialogue can be both hilarious and heartbreaking, and it’s generally cute a little story.

20th century women (2016, dir mike mills) — i feel like this movie’s selling point is it’s plot. it’s set in the 70s about a single mother in her late-50s trying to raise her son, so she enlists two other women to help influence her son to be a good man. it’s just… so good. i want more people to see this movie. it shouldn’t be forgotten.

rhymes or young ghouls (2013, dir jeff barnaby) — it’s been a while since i’ve last seen it, but i first watched because it has one of my favorite actors it (devery jacobs— you will see her again here) but it quickly became a movie i’ll never forget. there are few movies about indigenous people, and even fewer that handle their trauma in a respectful and caring way. this movie is about indigenous people, by indigenous people, for indigenous people, and it’s great and it’s beautiful and it’s sad and it’s horrific and it certainly doesn’t fall into the “racist redemption” bullshit. not at all. this movie sheds light on a history that i was never taught about, and that i’m sure many people still don’t know about. this movie is an important watch, in my opinion. TW for residential schools, racism, rape, and abuse, so definitely be mindful of those topics.

moonlight (2016, dir barry jenkins) — one of the best coming of age movies ever made. all three acts are perfect. i don’t think there’s a single thing i don’t like about this movie. i genuinely can’t think of any flaws. it’s visually beautiful, the acting is beautiful, the dialogue is beautiful— everything is beautiful. deserved the oscar and more. a review of letterboxd sums my feelings about it up perfectly: visual poetry with the emotional depth of the fucking ocean itself.

aftersun (2022, charlotte wells) — this movie really feels like observing real people. it’s like watching home videos of a parent and kid on vacation. you can tell this story is so personal and so real, and the actors are incredible. it’s slow and melancholic, but it’s not boring and it keeps your attention. i was expecting to relate to the preteen girl, and i did, but i wasn’t expecting to relate to a single father turning 31. great movie. glad to see it get some light at the oscars this past season.

spider-man: across the spider-verse (2023, dirs joaquim dos santos, justin k thompson, kemp powers) — i don’t wanna spoil anything, but oh wow. oh wow.

everything everywhere all at once (2022, dirs the daniels) — instant classic. i’ve never been one for action/comedy/kung-fu movies, but this one’s blend of those genres and its imagination and humor and big heart make it something unique. it’s high energy, always interesting to look at, the costuming and hair and makeup are cool as fuck, and the acting is phenomenal. deserved to sweep at the oscars, and anyone that tells you differently is a loser trying so desperately hard to be different. don’t be different. love everytbing everywhere all at once. it deserves all the love.

and now…

my favorite shows:

mr robot (2015-2019, created by sam esmail) — my absolute favorite show ever made. it’s so hard to describe this show to other people, but you just need to watch it. it’s so precise in its decisions and so thoughtful with every single scene. the quadrant framing of the cinematography shows you the tone of the show and makes you feel what the characters feel in such simple ways. it’s truly stunning and the unraveling story is so intricate and infinitely layered. i feel this show’s message only resonates more as time passes. it’s scarily realistic.

game of thrones (2011-2019, created by david benioff, db weiss, george rr martin) — i’ll address the obvious: the ending sucks. the cracks in the show start to show in season 5, begin to crumble throughout 6-7, and complete breaks in season 8. BUT! seasons 1-4 is some of the best television ever made. the characters are multidimensional, the story is carefully crafted (thank you, george rr martin), and actions have consequences. even though the ending sucks, the beginning is well worth it.

house of the dragon (2022-current, created by miguel sapochnik, ryan condal, george rr martin) — yes, it’s a spin-off of game of thrones, but you don’t need to have seen game of thrones to watch house of the dragon. so if you don’t want to suffer through game of thrones season 8, just watch this prequel! it has everything i loved from season 1-4 of games of thrones but with a bigger budget. it’s great. i have hope that it will get even better.

the last of us (2023-current, created by craig mazin and neil druckmann) — my favorite video game ever made turned into one of my favorite shows ever made. the last of us was in good hands. as a fan of the games, i was beyond satisfied with what hbo did. It captures the heart of the story while also expanding on things us gamers never got to explore much. it’s everything i could’ve asked for in an adaptation. patiently looking forward season 2– you can’t rush greatness. and i already waited half a decade between the first game and the second. i can wait a year or two for the second season.

deadly class (2019, created by rick remender and miles orion fieldscott) — it’s a high school for assisins. what else do you need to know? seriously though, i love this show. it unfortunately got cancelled, but i think it’s great just in its one season. the music is good, the acting is good, it balances wit and existential drama. it is pessimism wrapped in a creative bow, and i love it and am forever wishing i got to see a season 2. i’m holding out hope rick remender can get another shot at adapting it in some way in the future. also check out the comics! they’re great too.

the walking dead (2010-2022, created by robert kirkman, tony moore, charlie adlard, and (formerly) frank darabont) — this one might be biased. i grew up watching this show, i still love this show. i have walking dead posters and played all the games and even have twd socks. i just love the walking dead. of course it has zombies (that look great, by the way; makeup killed it), but it’s also a very good inter-personal drama. it loses its footing around season 6 and stumbles a bit through 7-8, but season 9 finds its balance again and brings back everything i loved about the show. whether or not you like zombies or hate them, give the walking dead a chance. i really think it would surprise a lot of people.

reservation dogs (2021-current, created by sterlin harjo and taika waititi) — here is that devery jacobs i promised. this is a coming of age comedy about teenagers on a oklahoma reservation who steal, rob, and save money with the hopes of moving to california. it’s hilarious, but it also touches on many issues the indigenous communities face— namely suicide. you can tell the people on camera and behind the camera love this project, and again it’s a show made by indigenous people, about indigenous people, for indigenous people.

ok. i think that’s it! there all the film that i love. i hope y’all check some of them out because they’re all pretty good :)

[babygirldilf]

supernatural is actually the best tv series of all time. disregarding bugs, because what the fuck was that, and everything that happened post 15.18, because fuck that, supernatural is so complex and beautiful, funny and scary (for a bit), happy and terrifying all at once. it told this incredible story of two brothers going through hell and back together and apart to save each other and the world. the best love story ever told of the righteous man and the angel of thursday, who fought and saved and loved each other, despite it all.

this show told everything with so much attention to detail, through beauty and horror, all at once. just think of the fact they managed to sum up almost every monster's story, demons and angels, heaven and hell, god, afterlife, alternate universes, crime and punishment, justice and bad luck, trauma and change and second chances, all into one magnificent, unprecedented magical story. sure, it was bad. awful, even. we were toyed with, as viewers. emotionally invested and tormented for it. queerbaiting at its very best.

I am a queer person, and I absolutely love destiel and thought the show could have done so much better not only to them but to sam, jack, charlie, and so many other characters.

and yet,

I love it.

I completely ignore 15.19 and 15.20 when I think about spn because, to me, they simply do not exist. they dismissed everything that mattered in the story and butchered every single character's arc.

but spn in general gave me my most beloved characters, my favorite love story, my comfort moments, and a lot of reasons for joy. It kept me alive at times.

of course, it was queerbaiting. but it was also, at least to me, a slow burn love, and it made it that much more real because it was that much complicated.

It should have done better. we, the characters, and the cast deserved better. but the reason we deserved better in the first place is because this series showed us this story. THE story. and we wouldn't have known without it. It gave us this monstrosity we love so deeply.

so I hate it. but I also love it.

and that's why it's my favorite artwork of all time.

simply put, nothing will ever be the same.

#oh supernatural #you menace you #its a love hate relationship #the never ending story #dean #cas #sam #jack #charlie #spn #destiel

[voidnoidoid]

Thoughts on Weak Hero Chapter 248

I don't have money for fast pass so NO SPOILERS PLEASE. Also spoilers for those who haven't read the chapter today. You've been warned!

This is the final part of Ben's battle against Donald and it was exhilarating reading the fight. It's a testament to Ben's strength that he was able to hold out against Donald for that long. This is sort of an analysis + my general thoughts on Ben, Donald and Gray.

Ben and his strength

I feel like some ppl in the fandom are thinking Ben's weak for losing, but on the contrary. He is the ONLY PERSON who ever pushed Donald to the edge. With everyone else, Wolf, Jimmy, the Mokha duo etc, Donald beat to submission. Taking into account Ben's trauma from being beaten to a pulp by Donald in the past, it make him taking a stand against that nigh undefeatable monster even more of an amazing feat.

Ben's punches made Donald doubt himself, that if he got hit head on by Ben's sledgehammer punches he would 100% go down. I find the pillar imagery to be really effective in conveying the extent of Ben's raw power, as well as describing his general fighting style. As described by Gray, Ben is so strong that he ends all his fights in a single hit. He hasn't had to chain attacks or think too hard about battle tactics because he is just that strong. However, against an opponent like Donald, he had to start training harder and learning how to combo attacks. Ben's not the type to think of complicated attack patterns, so I really like that his method was to just get a punch in and focus on getting the next hit.

Aside from his physical power, Ben is also strong mentally. He is one of the pillars of Eunjang (along with Gerard) and has had to shoulder all the pressure of being the strongest and the one who has the highest chances of beating Donald one on one. Not only that he's usually the one who comforts and supports his friends, like when he helped out Gray and when he tried to cheer them up with snacks and drinks. However he keeps a lot of his struggles to himself. :(

His mental fortitude gives way to his willpower to succeed and persevere in his fight with Donald. Despite being beaten he passed out standing!!! And had to be physically brought to his knees.

To sum this section up, Ben is insanely strong and his fight against Donald demonstrates that. He isn't weak for losing, in fact it shows his strength to keep pushing forward.

Donald's Dominion

To really hammer in how significant Ben's fight against Donald was, aside from all the shocked expressions from all the side characters... I feel the need to discuss the sheer magnitude of Donald's power and influence over the Yeungdeungpo region (and to some extent over cheongang).

Donald is heavily involved with major industries around the region, such as construction, transport, garments, whatever you can think of he probably has a piece of the pie. His business sense is finely honed, to the point where seasoned adult professionals and old farts with power acknowledge his intellect and cunning, and fully trust Donald when it comes to managing businesses. Donald exercises his influence through his ability to manipulate the infrastructure and businesses which directly affect the other students.

For example, Donald and KHG uniforms collaborated, and the Ganghak thugs would beat up anyone not wearing a uniform from that brand. Next, the redevelopment scheme planned by Donald and a construction company CEO caused a lot of pollution and noise for the Singil Vet Clinic, owned by Eugene's aunt.

Donald has repeatedly showcased his overwhelming strength and intellect, as the leader of the Union and through his ability to keep hundreds of thugs in line. He beats dissenters into submission and is able to tame beasts like Myles Joo, Wolf Keum and the Mok-Ha duo. He even defeated Changhui Han, leader of Cheongang. His combined brains and brawn elevate him to almost unbeatable status.

The only ones that could possibly challenge him now would be Ben Park and Gray Yeon. But after Ben's defeat, Gray is the only one left to challenge him.

Arrogance and Downfall

Donald's kingdom started to crack once Gray started making moves. It's clear he got arrogant and slightly complacent because of all the power he has. Donald's thoughts "You're actually trying to beat me? Unacceptable." As if the thought someone legitimately trying to take him down was outrageous. As the strongest and the smartest he genuinely thought that he was unbeatable. His confidence in his strength turned into complacency, which is why he didn't notice when his plans started falling apart. This confidence in his perceived sovereignty caused him to not prepare for potential flaws in his plan. Such as when Gray showed up at the same hospital, when Eugene won the grand prize with his light switch idea, and when Ben managed to instil the fear of losing into him. Donald's image as the unbeatable monster began to waver, and start to crumble.

All these factors, and Ben significantly weakening Donald, set up the perfect opportunity for the White Mamba to land his killing blow.

Gray Yeon: Weak Hero

The last panel of ch 248 sent chills down my spine. Seeing Gray that serious with the eyes of a predator, really shows that he's the one with the edge in the fight. The narration describes how Gray, during that entire fight between Donald and Ben, was analysing Donald's fighting style; "studying up" as he usually puts it. And seeing Gray so sure of his odds of success, and him being ready to fight, makes it clear that there is a chance that he will win. Gray never fights if he cannot win.

I am particularly excited for this fight given the multiple parallels between Gray and Donald we've seen thus far. They've had lonely childhoods and were bullied during their school years albeit for different reasons. Donald grew up in a troubled household amidst poverty, while Gray was a loner who had no motivation in life until he met Stephen. Both of them are cunning and calculated and would do anything to win. Donald has a selfish motivation, while Gray fights for his friends.

Another difference in this fight that I think would give Gray the edge is that Donald is in a very threatened and disoriented state. He had just exposed his vulnerable side in front of the entire union, basically breaking the unbeatable facade he'd work so hard to maintain. He barely put it back together, and would have succeeded if not for Gray. Gray on the other hand has completely analysed Donald's fighting style. He has his emotions in check and is entirely focused on taking Donald down. Meanwhile Donald has no idea what fighting Gray is going to be like, and according to the trend that everyone who fights Gray for the first time will lose.... it seems the odds will be in his favour.

Donald, in his weakened state, is definitely still a force to be reckoned with and Gray is not gonna have an easy time fighting him, especially since they're so similar. I believe in Gray though! He can do it!

Overall

The final fight to end all fights is coming up real soon! (for free readers that is) And I feel like the final battle arc is well paced, though I was kinda disappointed the Naksung v Philip fight got offscreened. Super hyped for Donald vs gray and I might reread the whole final battle arc again.

#Weak Hero webtoon #ben park #gray yeon #Donald na #weak hero #weak hero analysis

[schizopositivity]

hello, very sorry for the essay this turned into, but how do I explain to the people in my life that knowing that my life isn’t easy right now isn’t harder than struggling with hallucinations?

I’m trying very hard to look at it from their perspectives because I don’t know what it’s like to watch a loved one hear voices. It’s just very confusing to be simultaneously told that my experience is difficult to understand and that they are so deeply empathetic towards my situation that they don’t want me to ever complain bc it makes them feel bad and all they want is to see me happy. But that just makes me feel like I’m not allowed to be anything but happy, which means I’m not allowed to be honest

Describing them this way is doing them a disservice. I know they mean well and that they respect me. but isn’t it also true that I’m allowed to want to feel supported and respected?

it’s just stressful to me when everyone is so so confused by me and my condition when I feel like I explain myself every single week and tell them precisely what to look up (which they do! They do look up anything I ask them to, it’s just that they then turn around and say that they’re spending hours doing research only to never visibly out those strategies into practice)

Maybe they’re just overwhelmed and/or feel like I’m trauma dumping on them bc my friends and family aren’t professionals. Should I apologize for that? it’s just very isolating when every time I’m honest about how I’m doing, they say that I should pursue professional help even though I am in therapy

I feel like this comes across as me having really unsupportive friends and family, but this is only the least flattering facet of the story and I don’t think I was terribly articulate about it either.

my goal is to maintain these relationships, but I’d like to improve them by communicating. I just don’t know what to say or even if this is fair to bring up. It sort of feels like in this situation is doing their best and everyone is failing a little. Any advice?

no need to apoligize! i appreciate asks no matter how long they are

i think it would be important for you to try and understand what support you need or want. like do you just want to be listened to with no advice? do you want them to try to do things to help you? do you want to be able to be honest and talk about the bad stuff without them telling you its hard for them?

because once you figure that out, you can tell them what you like

i think for me i like to open up to people and just have them listen and not try to give advice, that way i can just vent and let it all out, and not have to worry about them saying something they think is helpful, that really just upsets me, cause if people odnt understand they try to sum it up in the wrong way, or try to get you to look on the bright side, and i dont like either of those replies

thats great that youre in therapy, maybe if you notice what you like about therapy or how the therapist talks to you about things, you could ask them to do something similar, like i learned from therapy that i like to be told im safe when i start to panic, and my partner knows that so they tell me that when they notice me panicing

you could let them know that you talking about the bad stuff actually is helpful, and its worse to keep it bottled up inside, that you cant be happy all the time (no one can) and that you need to be able to express yourself to process and work through it

i know these people love and care about you, but if they dont understand its easy for them to say or do the wrong thing, that doesnt make them bad people just a little ignorant, but it also doesnt make you a bad person for not liking the things they say or do, its totally okay for you to ask for what you want or need from them, no one is bad here, there just needs to be some more honest communication

#answered

[squaresha]

It’s not possible to drop a kintype.

One cannot just “stop” being kin, or stop being a kintype, anymore than they can stop being themselves

If someone is able to “drop” a kintype, [...] then it likely was not an actual kintype in the first place.

All three of these are rough quotes from a post from 2016 by fictionkin-official. Even so, these three bits of text are one of the most commonly agreed upon and supported comments in the community at large. Though the terms can change, drop to lost to get rid of. Often the main point is:

You cannot get rid of a kintype, if you did, it wasn’t actually a kintype. After all your kintype is your identity.

The whole point of this post to be clear, is to say the opposite. That it is possible to loose a kintype. It’s just not likely, and if it is lost, that doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t a kintype and that it might not still effect you in some way.

The short, no reading vague mentions of trauma below, sum up is: Identity is something that changes as people go throughout their lives and big events can make a major difference. If kintypes are identity, doesn’t that mean it can change just as much as identity can? And it’s doesn’t mean, necessarily, you were wrong in the past. It just means you’re a different person now.

Usually with this blog I don’t talk about my other identities. I make a huge point on it. Though I will be changing that slightly just for this. I am someone who has lost three kintypes and yes I am certain it is lost not ‘I was just wrong’.

As it’s always been stated kintypes are apart of your identity. It’s apart of who you are and as that it often hurts if you try to remove them or suppress them. That’s a very common bit of information and I agree. I experienced it quite heavily with them at the time. The thing is, people’s identities, do change, over time. Especially when heavy events occur. From trauma, to just stress in general, things happen in people’s lives that change them at base of who they are. It changes their identity.

If kintypes are apart of that identity, and identity can change. Then that is to say kintypes could be lost, or them change into new identities along with your new self-hood.

Many people don’t change heavily. They change in small amounts but you can still see who they used to be. It’s very common. Media even talks about that a lot. But for those who change drastically, why couldn’t that mean their kintypes might vanish or change drastically as well without it meaning they were wrong before or not real.

That’s the thing that makes me want to write this. The insistence of if a kintype goes away or changes, is that it was wrong in the first place. It wasn’t ‘real’. It was real. It was right, when you were the person you used to be. You just aren’t that same person anymore, so why would a kintype stay the same at all times?

If someone’s identity can change, and kintypes are apart of identity. Why can’t they change or go away? Either they are apart of identity and can fluctuate just like identity can or they aren’t identity and something else.

As I said I lost three kintypes. Two of them got lost from a single heavily traumatizing event. It changed me drastically from the person I was before. People who knew me well couldn’t see the same person, and I didn’t feel like it either. I’ve recently in the last month finally got past that trauma and been doing a lot better, but I’m no where similar to how I was before it. I’ve tried to rekindle myself with those types because I’ve been so insistently told that they can’t go away or I was wrong, yet I knew in those moments I was right, and I know now they aren’t here anymore. They aren’t apart of me. They are apart of what I used to be. When I think of me before the event, I feel them a bit again. When I go back to me now, I don’t. It’s like a past life you don’t identify with anymore, but it’s this same life divided by a heavy event.

The third type I lost was also from trauma but this one wasn’t one single event, it was two years of accidentally trauma. I don’t blame anyone, but coming from it, the identity was so interlocked, getting from the trauma, took it with it. It was a symbol of two years of living under false pretense, false knowledge, a false sense of self. Freeing myself that, working to slowly rebuild myself, it didn’t stay with me. It’s not wrong or false what I felt in the past. I mean a lot of stuff was false at the time, but it was a huge part of everything. And it’s gone. The effect it had living with it, still stays with me, but that’s not me anymore. I’m not that person.

Kintypes are a hugely personal thing. They are identity, as so many point out. If identity can flux and change and be effected by life. Why can’t kintypes also, without the instant throwing the past experiences with them away as not actually having happened at all? That still was your kintype. There’s a major difference between being wrong and not using it anymore and it was right and just isn’t now.

It’s all apart of the journey of understanding yourself, and that self is always changing, just sometimes it’s so drastic it’s like starting from scratch with only hints of what you already knew.

#otherkind #fictionkind #alterhuman #I don't know what else to tag this #blog post #long mode #kind materials

[phdmama]

ok the ask game you just reblogged is so cute i had to send you some 🥺 🥺

bicycle, bells, eyebags, fallen log

<3

oh my gosh, thank you anon!! :-D I don't think I've seen it going around before!

okay!

bicycle: what are you talented at?

well, dang, just leap in with the tough ones ha ha. Let's see. I think I'm... a good musician and I have a decent singing voice. I don't know if I am a talented writer per se, but I think I do okay with it sometimes (that's me trying really hard not to be self-deprecating!). I'm pretty good at math and statistics.

Just answered bells here!

eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive?

Kindness and humor, absolutely. I like people with integrity and people who have stuff that they're super passionate about! I pretty much fell in love with my husband on our second date when we spent a couple of hours talking about philosophy like the GIANT NERDS we are.

In terms of like, physical stuff, my tastes are very broad, especially as I've gotten older. Self-confidence and an easy smile are pretty devestatingly sexy, honestly.

fallen log: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would

I'm gonna go ahead and put this under a cut because I'll be talking about some darker/hard topics (mental disorders, trauma, violence) so feel free to skip it if you want to!

So I have a pretty profound and difficult history of a whole bunch of psychiatric problems that can be probably be summed up as Complex PTSD stemming both from big-T trauma in my childhood coupled with some ways that my parents... made some mistakes, let's say. And I collected more trauma along the way, as one does.

It manifested in suicidal depression, alcohol abuse, self-harm from an early age, a life-threatening eating disorder, putting myself into terrible and unsafe situations and relationships, including a man who was regularly very very violent with me... I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

I never thought I'd survive college. I never thought I'd recover from my ED. Or stop self-harming. Or come through my depression. And I did. I survived. Now, the depression stuff is never going to be gone, that's just brain chemistry at this point, but I'm so much better at managing it.

I don't self-harm anymore. Ever. I don't even want to. I sometimes struggle with body/food stuff but I do not starve myself and I do not purge, ever. And I don't want to. I have a life that's really big and full and messy and I live it. I love it. I have a family, a partner who loves me, friends who are so amazing and I'm so so lucky to have them.

So I guess essentially, I survived it all despite my own best efforts not to at times, and even the horrific trauma just... isn't a huge part of my day to day life. My life is really big and full and yeah, that's absolutely a piece of it, but I'm so thankful to be here, I try every single day to focus on my gratitude and my blessings because my life is really bountiful! If you'd told me in my early-mid twenties that I'd be here, able to live like this, I never ever would have believed you.

That's probably waaaay more info than you wanted ha ha! xox

[kittykatinabag]

Cab driver today asked if I had any plans for Christmas. I told him I don't and he was a bit flabbergasted.

The only thing I could respond with was "I'm used to it"

But that's a lie. I'm not used to it. I'm really quite bummed about missing another year of Christmas. I haven't seen any of my family's faces beyond the occasional post or picture sent. I guess we could video call but I don't like video calling because (probably autistic) reasons.

And I'm fighting the urge to blame myself for not thinking ahead and making plans way earlier in the year. But I was kind of in the midst of a depression slump. Still am, I can feel it in my mind and body. At least the anxiety is not that bad, and when it is bad I know how to control and get through it rather quickly. I just wish those techniques worked with the depression at a more consistent scale.

If there's anything that's settling into a bitter taste on my tongue about this last year and few months, it's that I'm both coming back in one sense with nothing physical to show for it (I don't care about this but this seems to be the lens most people understand the world through), but I'm also not coming back with some big ass trauma like I had after undergrad was done. There's some trauma there, but it's more of an extension of past trauma or a continuation of the constant trauma of living in a capitalistic society/the calamities of this reality. It's nothing world altering in my eyes right now.

That kind of annoys me. If I'm going to fail, at least let me have another god damn mountain to climb up and over. I've done this hike before, multiple times. Part of me wants to be able to shake a manifestation of the last year and few months scream "just let me get hurt, just let me feel the fucking pain!"

That's probably something I should go deeper into if I ever get the will to go back to therapy. But fuck after the shit show that was my therapist here, the thought of not only finding another person but also having to sit through what seems like 6-8 weeks of bullshitting around to figure out if they're actually a decent therapist or not sounds like a waste of everyone's time (but mostly mine).

I don't want to keep blaming my environment for how I've been feeling for the past however many months. But fuck, do I currently hate the dwelling I've been living in. I'll go into the city or somewhere and feel completely fine, good even. Then I'll get tired because walking around outside, it's windy and chilly, lots of people about- the usual. So I get back on the fucking hour tram ride back to this apartment that's in the middle of no man's land, only to get back to a dirty apartment (that I cleaned the previous day, so not even 24 hours of cleanliness), sometimes my flat mate's kid(s) are there and I lose psychic damage every hour they're in the place, and sometimes my other flat mate will have her friends over (they're nice enough on the surface but they're also mostly heavy drinkers, extroverts, and not my crowd 95% of the time). But there's always people here. Even when I'm home alone, it doesn't feel like a good place to just relax. Because by the time evening rolls around, people are back, and my flat mate slams every fucking door when she's back. She was this way at the university dorms too, and I get so fucking stressed when doors slam because it reminds me that for both me and my family, being loud is how we end up being when we're angry and hurt and the sounds of slamming doors is one way that comes out. Also sudden loud noise = stressful in most circumstances. She does this at any time, even at like 1am. It's almost as infuriating as her shit dishwashing skills.

I won't even get into the constant annoyances that is my other flat mate because he is simply summed up by the fact that he's in his early 40s, divorced with two kids from two different women and still single, and is less competent in cooking and cleaning than most of my friends when they were 20. Also he's misogynistic and a functioning alcoholic who does not recognize he's a functioning alcoholic.

I have had the patience of a deity, but even a deity ends up smiting some people. I'm just surprised and a little proud that I haven't blown up on them. But yeah I might cry when I get back to my parents house to see that the only thing not clean is the cat hair that kind of never goes away fully. And I'm okay with that because it's cats.

#late night ramblings