#if I want to make life harder for myself

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

At the start of this project all I wanted was to 'learn how to draw' using comics as a medium and the MDZS audio drama as inspiration.

I've come *very* far from making simple, 3 panel black and white comics, and I truly do intend to go even further. Thank you to everyone who cheered me on throughout 2023, it has been an incredible year in so many ways I never could have imagined. I look forwards to drawing throughout 2024 B*)

#poorly drawn mdzs #art summary #It's so interesting looking back at how my style and technique changed throughout the year! #I used PD-wwx as the consistent factor (October is an exception) and you can see so many processes going on. #My little petri dish amoeba (with a little red bow to tell him apart from the other amoeba) <3 #Whether it's getting new markers or trying out a new shading style - it's cool seeing a snapshot of my journey like this B*) #There's certainly been a slower curve to my overt improvement *but* I have become so much faster! #My life outside of drawing has been hectic and at several points extremely stressful this year. For all the work this blog has been- #-It has truly been a life saving anchor when the darkest of times have hit. #Love is hard work. Change is even harder work. Sticking to a goal I set out for myself and striving to keep going was worth it. #And I love drawing. I think there has always been something in me that longed for this. And it is finally tangible! I can draw!!! #I wanted to make a more elaborate year reflection where I looked back at my favourite comics and jokes. #but I'll leave that to the one year anniversary. #I have also been collecting a ton of statistics throughout the year and I am desperate to share them. I'm that kind of nerd B*) #I can never say it enough: Thank you all for the kindness and support. I wish everyone a lovely 2024!!!

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

#isa screams #long post #gif #flashing #i think? Lemme know if I'm incorrect on that one alksdjfLKSJDJDSG #I don't normally talk this much so its kinda strange? #its kinda nice to be more honest about this stuff though #I'm a bit more of a private person so its hard to find the balance between wanting to discuss things openly and honestly #but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do #its a tricky thing #but today I felt like doing this and I think that's okay #if i regret it I just won't do it again alsdjLSDJLFJSGSDG #thanks if you read this! I appreciate it! #I'm a pretty smalltime artist relatively. So sometimes it feels as though it doesn't mater what i say or express. #But hm. I doubt its really that simple or bleak #And if I don't respect myself then well. Who will right? #And I want to learn how to be happy with how little or how much I get #part of the reason I've done so poorly mentally as an artist is chasing numbers and outside praise instead of asking the harder questions #am i happy with what i do? what I make? Who I am #I'm going to probably be working on those questions and problems for the rest of my life. #But thats okay. Thats not a bad thing :)

[danothan]

tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things

#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao #feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy #danbles #and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth #or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities #or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to #or whatever else #i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy #I’M certainly not going to #but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer #and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc) #i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where #i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything #but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on #it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way #idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences #even negative ones are valuable to me #but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem #maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem #fuuck guys ​i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀

[shoku-and-awe]

I took a train for a non-medical reason (for the second time in nearly 2 months!)

It went more than 1 stop away(!)

I did not worry about how far away the restaurant was, or if I could walk that far or what it would mean later

We actually changed plans on the fly and wandered around til we found somewhere we liked for a drink

And then went to a SECOND location! Without even checking how far away!

And I sat on a stool????

And my back feels............... normal🥹? And I got home without issue 🥹? And then played with my dog on the floor 🥹🥹?

I know it will hurt when I wake up, maybe pretty badly, but I am kinda starting to trust that maybe I might slowly be getting gradually a little better? Knock wood?

#i don't want to jinx myself and i know it's not OVER #mornings are really painful #and i can't really exercise #but getting even a smidgen of my old life back.............. #to say the least this injury has changed my perspective for life #if you are not disabled: that is only temporary!!!! #please make the world easier #things are only gonna get harder. for all of us. #and love on your friends who are isolated #also STRETCh your fucking body! and see doctors regularly #this has been a psa/post/psaost

[angelnumber27]

trying not to let the potential loss of relationships and abandonment scare me away from meeting and being around people and forming relationships lol :-)

#AND THE FEAR OF ABUSE #I get horrified bc everyone leaves #but what is a life isolated all alone like that isn’t what I want for myself #it’s just hard and the bpd makes it 100x harder

[bombusbombus]

recoloured this old warmup to repost cause I had it on my mind.

If Clark is going to be in earth 19 (gotham by gaslight universe) (they're publishing more gbg and clark is going to be there), then listen to me listen to me, he needs to be a cowboy. Superman needs to be a cowboy in the big city. I am SOO serious about this. I am on my knees, DC, let me write for you, I would add so many themes about modern technology versus traditional knowledge and sprinkle in some anticolonialism PLEASE.

You could have a cute little Daily Planet that has to struggle against yellow journalism in a smoky little backroom & setting their own type, a la The Truth. You could have gentlemen's clubs. You could have a brutal war against unions in the streets and one lone titan of industry giving into their demands. You could have the exact same 3 batkids from the movie, there's literally nothing to improve on there. You could have Clark tear down a barbed wire fence with his bare hands, in a futile attempt to unravel colonialist ideas of private land ownership. Imagine the alien knows more about the earth, the real earth, than the knight in his city does. Imagine the American dream failing Clark, who has to go back east to the big city, failing Bruce, who lost his parents, failing everyone over and over until they decide to build something without it. In an era of rampant exploitation, what do real heroes look like?

Or you can make the justice league fight big steampunk robots ig I'm excited either way.

#all that to say ask me about the gotham by gaslight superbat friendship I've been thinking about for a LITERAL YEAR... #the original colouring on this was only the sort of ass you can achieve with a blue light filter at 2am #also I can hear you saying “why do your warmups usually look better than your final drawings Moose?” #(shh let me imagine I have a huge rapt audience) #well. I have aphantasia which makes it much harder to make things up than to draw from life #however my passion is cartooning. so I'm a little fucked #I also have a disability that sometimes makes me run a temperature when I overexert myself mentally #so drawing cartoons can make me run a literal fever #whereas drawing from life is more abt hand skill than brain skill so it doesn't fuck me up #but that's why I don't draw much anymore lol. Arranging people and items and background on a canvas is excruciating trial and error #but when you already have a pic the photographer has done some of that for you and you just need to collage preexisting images together #and once you have the elements of the picture then it's easy to retroactively construct a balanced tableau #tl:dr creativity is hard and makes CPU explode but editing is easy #that being said if a mutual wants me to draw an animal or something for them & gives me a reference I will drop everything to do it. dm me. #seriously I'm good w anything organic like plants or animals or horrible growths #hell if u do thumbnails I'll draw the full thing. I'll write w you. I fuckin love collaboration. #might be a bad writing partner though cause I'm neurotic as hell #. #I just remembered that Dan Garret was in earth 19 last time it was shown in a comic #no offense to all you dan-heads out there. but I think he should die. #cause I would be. obsessed. With 1890s Chicago cryptid Ted Kord #I think he should be 23 and terrible #the most steampunk guy around. Probably takes cocaine. Still a college student (gettin his fourth degree). Hasn't left his house in a month #not to mention futureboy Booster in his kevlar vest with his iphone named skeets

[silenthillbunni]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[hella1975]

choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her

#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me #and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front #always always bowl me over #like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time #like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that #when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair #but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard #so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment? #and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's #even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with #bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc #i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum #BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart #like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me #it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE #and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry #and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls #that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good #and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her #that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension #and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone #but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her #i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me #but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her #girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH #hella goes home

[homelyhoney]

dissertation due in 5 days.... i am going to lose my mind

#can't wait to feel like a person again good lord. this is hell #i need to finish the last section like today if i want to get feedback before the deadline 😭💔 #that's on me making this past section harder on myself than it needed to be #the hours of my life i have lost to this. #cannot wait for the last week of april oh my god #i'll only have 1 exam to prep at that stage

[13eyond13]

.

#I can't remember exactly where I heard this but I know it was #on a tiktok by someone who had an expertise of some sort like house cleaning or home renovation or sthg #but I actually thought it was an excellent piece of advice for many areas of life and it was #'Remember: if it's making your life easier it's probably making someone else's life harder' #like i think that's just a good thing to keep in mind social skills wise when youre trying to be a good friend or coworker or roomie or wtv #the ones you like being around are the ones who are conscientious about the amount of burden they're being or sharing #or at the very least showing interest in making sure your stress is at a manageable level. especially before dumping on you #idk I started thinking about this because I was defining an energy vampire to myself #I think energy vampires are the people who are always using you as a release valve or are just incredibly self-absorbed. Their problems #are (in their minds) always worse than everyone else's. Essentially it's main character syndrome. and so if it's not a give-and-take #You end up drained/wanting to avoid them. ANYWAYS trying not to be one doesn't mean you always have to feel guilty/petrified of being needy #but just trying to be aware of and to show appreciation for when someone is probably helping you out with stuff #and to offer to do things for them in return if you're capable as well #p

[weaselshaped]

Hmm I need to make another embarrassing gender post but not right now I think

#Embarrassing in that like. I mean it's all embarrassing. It's embarrassing to have spent this long missing the point #And to talk about that in public. I am 27 years old and I have id'd as nonbinary for almost a decade and yet I could not refer to myself #as transmasc or incorporate that meaningfully into my self-concept until like. This year. Due to... REASONS??? #I literally don't even know! There IS no reason! I just didn't want to deal with it because it seemed harder than resigning myself to being #mistaken for a woman for the rest of my life??? I guess???? Stupid and cowardly tbh #Meanwhile tying myself in knots over like. Disproportionately identifying with queer men in fiction and deciding this was some sort of Crim #'Here is a thing that transmascs often do. Not me though I'm doing it for some other reason' I wasted SO MUCH TIME on this #It's not even really important i just invested a lot of energy into repression for WHAT. and like also on the internet the way I have #described myself over time is like. I am probably revealing some embarrassing things about the way I have engaged with my relationship to #gender that were not apparent until I started getting over myself/moving on from that bullshit. So that's great #I don't know man I would like to feel unequivocally good about sorting my shit out and finally doing what needs to be done #but mostly I just feel like I took too long and now I'm making myself look like an idiot. Idk man. I suck actually! #Oh look I basically did make the post anyway but as tags. Extremely me behavior

[necrogfie]

throwing up because im on the aro spectrum

it makes me feel sick it's not fair not fair

i dont want to be aro i don't i want to be normal

#/vent #(woll take this post down soon) ive been trying to ease myself into accepting it #like saying oh im on the aroace spectrum bcuz im reciproromantic #but fuck i cant #i hate and can't handle being maybe more aro then that #it's makes me wanna cry #(disclaimer but obviously i do not care if others people are aro - what i say is solely abt myself - this is internalized stuff i should w #i want to be normal. i want to have relationships like anyone. i don't want this shit #i don't want to deal with the possibility that romance will be even harder for me to deal with in the future #romance and love and all that is such a big part of my life fuck nearly everything i read or consume medias wise can be related to it in #some way #it fuck with me way too hard #it feel wrong

[enashinonome]

being kind to myself is so hard. i'm critical of myself if i don't try and i'm critical of myself if i do. i just want to be able to enjoy my life and put in the work to getting there -_-

#genuinely i do want to improve my life and be the best version of myself i can be #but it's hard when i can't even be nice to myself about trying to get there #like...why am i making this so much harder for myself? it's baffling but i can't snap out of it #🐰

[quasieli]

I wish I could convince my family to get a puppy. I need companionship and having a puppy to take care of would be so good for me.

#Eli Speaks #i downloaded and then immediately uninstalled petfinder #i cant do this to myself #cause i know its not gonna happen #a) it's really expensive #and b) my parents (esp my mom) are p adamant about not getting another pet after losing maddie #i know it could me so much good #but ofc i cant really do anything that'll be beneficial to my mental health and life... #like i said yesterday #i just want a friend #and i know my parents would love it if we got a puppy #but convincing them would be an uphill battle #esp since i plan on moving back to ny #cause id want to be responsible for this dog #but moving 1000+ miles with a dog (and finding a place that allows dogs) is gonna be a whole thing #it's not impossible #but it def makes things harder #why is anything that can make me even a little happy so fucking hard

[ibrithir-was-here]

.

#i know part the reason im feeling unmoored is that my ADHD brain hates having to deal with my crummy management painting the apartment #and not responding to texts about how mu h longer it will take #and my room and schedules are all askew because of it #and also im on my period #but man i just feel really unsettled latley #like not spooked unsettled but like...unmoored yeah #im 30 and i really dont know what to do with my life #and its harder now to have hope for the future #im not despondent just...empty feeling #my religion i loved so much turned out to be untrue #the person i loved so much turned out to not care about me #as a romantic interest or even a friend #and both have really made me feel like i just cant trust anything or anybody in any real way #like in a deep You Are My Safe Place kind of way #im rambling sorry #will probably delete later #it really is probably just my period and my apartment being a mess thats screwing with me #and i really just want a real hug #and i dont have anyone nearby i can get one from and have it mean something #so im rambling at tumblr to make myself feel better