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#idk what else to tag. i hate being perceived
miiilowo · 9 months
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i feel like theres not a lot of great resources out there so i figured id just ask -- how would you recommend ways of living with/helping out someone else with npd? :)
youre right! most of the time when u look up NPD stuff its "THE ABUSER DISORDER: KNOW HOW TO RECOGNIZE IT AND DISABLE NARC DEFENSES SO THEY CANT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU" which isnt. Great
all it really comes down to is listening to them n addressing their needs if they've communicated them to you. ill try to simplify it so i dont get too into details, though i will likely fail, and most of this advice will be based off my experiences, so idk how much itll apply to whoever ur talking about BUT:
generally (and w me especially) you can safely say that NPD mostly has to do with ego dysregulation. Our [as in myself and people w npd] mental health and general happiness tends to rely on how people perceive us, and if that perception is anything but positive, we feel like poopy doo doo dogshit. we kinda need to be paid attention to in a way that feels meaningful, yknow? compliment them, make sure theyre included in conversations (esp group ones), and try not to ignore em in any way. if youre talking to them and youre busy, for example, make sure you include that detail so they don't feel like youre brushing them aside. stuff like that. if they make art, and you genuinely like it, try going into detail as to why, whether its the colors or linework or what have you. if they write, tell them what you liked about the story or poem, etcetera. Tag them in stuff that reminds you of them if you have their socials, or send them things, show it to them, whatever.
lots of us tend to actually be very insecure, even if it doesn't seem that way, which might be important to keep in mind. sometimes we can get whats referred to as "narc crashes" (im not particularly a fan of the term narc, though theres nothing actually wrong with it, so ill just call it an NPD crash) where for whatever reason, we go from feeling great and secure in our egos and our stability and happiness and security to falling 600 feet down directly into hell no recovery absolutely awful 0% joy 0% light 100% agony. dogs with human teeth screaming at you and shit its really just no good. calling you a dunderhead
they usually (though not always!) come after a high where we feel fantastic, and most commonly the cause of a crash is we get hurt by someone, humiliated, or made to feel lesser in some significant way. for me, they're the worst when i no longer feel confident that people like me, and i become incredibly worried everybody secretly hates me. which is a very very very awful train of thought to be experiencing when you have the "EVERYBODY NEEDS TO LIKE ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" disorder. so if ur friend seems depressed or upset make sure to ask whats going on and bump up the praise and stuff up a notch. its the best way to recover for Me, at least. crashes dont have a consistent like. timeframe? i think it highly depends on the severity of what happened and whats being done to fix it, though im certainly no psychologist lmao
i feel like when folks w npd Are mean or unfair its because their needs arent being met, theyre doing awful, and they need support so they dont desperately lash out for it. god knows thats the case for me. thats another thing thats important to keep in mind i think
a lot of traits of NPD aren't pretty, and thats just a fact of the matter. its a disorder for a reason and all. even if we dont express the almost inherently negative traits all the time (usually because we are aware they are unfair to other people), its very likely that we are feeling them, and it does erode your brain after a while. The DSM-5 list of traits is probably the best way to go for this, as per this government website:
"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).[milo note: its hard for me to find something specific to make bold in this definition, but generally, i do not express that i think that i am better than other people even if i think it]
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations.
Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes."
Ive bolded the ones that would negatively affect people that, I, at least, try not to express but still feel, or feel the desire to do, near constantly.
As you can see, thats a pretty hefty chunk of them! I'm sure some people could take problem with every trait listed here, in which case they can suck my whole dick, but those are the ones I've noticed upset people the most, or make relationships the most difficult. I bring these up because if someone does express these, you need to keep in mind it is because of a personality disorder. That doesn't always make them acceptable, and if they are really upsetting, you should talk to them about it, but thats just like. basic relationship shit lmao. just try to be an eensy bit forgiving
Though the MAIN reason I wanted to bring up the traits is due to the 'entitlement/unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment/compliance' one. This can manifest in a whole lot of ways, but it is genuinely infuriating when someone ignores what i want them to do/what ive asked them to do/etc, especially if its for a reason that doesnt 'feel' solid enough, like them just not wanting to do it. it can be incredibly frustrating if someone with npd says they need something from you or want you to do xyz and it doesnt happen, so try your best to listen to them. if you cant do what they desire for whatever reason, make sure thats clear, and why. Most of us will recognize we're being unfair, but will still be mad; Just know its not because of you, its because of the disorder, and most people will not hold it against you because they're aware its unreasonable in some fashion.
i think thats like. the main things when it comes to meeting the needs of someone w NPD. to summarize and dumb it down:
make sure to compliment them in meaningful ways, especially when you really mean it
pay attention to them; try to prioritize them in conversation and such. it feels very nice. dont ignore them for the love of god
keep the crashes in mind, and try to uplift your friend as much as you can. reassure them you care about them, maybe not directly by saying "i care about you" but with your actions in general
listen to them and adapt to their needs as best as you can
remember that if they are being unpleasant its probably because of The Disorder and they are not doing well. dont let anyone be a prick to you but try to be kind. everybody goes through shit
if anyone has anything to add, or if you have any followup questions, feel free to ask ^_^ i very much didn't cover everything here, and again, this is mostly based off of my experience as someone w NPD, and everyone is different to some degree. The most important thing to do is ask about their needs, and try to adapt to them the best you can.
i think thats all i have to say for now tho so. sayanora. if i come up w anything else ill add it in an edit
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scoups4lyfe · 2 years
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VegasPete and Stockholm Syndrome
Okay so….just obsessively scrolling through the KP and VP tags every Saturday I end up seeing everybody and their brothers takes. (And if not on Saturday then I will the entire rest of the week because I check that tag like checking the morning newspaper 🤪)
And seeing “Stockholm Syndrome” for the tv series (esp cause I read the VP side story lmaooo rip) really amused me for multiple reasons,,,
Lemme just start right from the bat and say that it is perfectly valid to be confused on Pete’s actions, especially as he’s been held hostage.
“Why didn’t he leave?? He should of left???”
Obv the thought process here is: Pete hates Vegas —> seen what Vegas goes through and empathized —> worries about his captor —> doesn’t leave when presented the option —> therefore he has Stockholm syndrome.
Mhm mhmmm I can understand how you could come to that conclusion. However, I firmly disagree. I saw a post that said they wanted to label Vegas and Pete’s relationship Stockholm sooooo badly but knew that wasn’t entirely it and that there was something more complex but they couldn’t understand what.
Haha let me explain to you just what that “what” is.
Having read the book, I have a bit more of a foundation when it comes to comparison, making it easier to see and understand the intent behind the way the Director and writers have adapted the novel into the series. I’m in the middle of writing an essay about these changes and why the tv show is hands down (no competition) a million times better (written) than the book.
In the book, yeah I would say Pete and Vegas have a Stockholm relationship. Hmmm maybe not even then? Because if we’re defining Stockholm as a coping mechanism of empathizing with the captor during times of stress and harm in order to help make it through a traumatic situation; then I say: So~so. See, Pete’s mindset in the book is completely different than it is in the series.
In the book there was no understanding for why Vegas is a fked up lil maniac. “Parental abuse? Tough, but people out there have had it tougher 😶✌️.”
That was Pete’s mindset.
It was really “well that sucks for you but I don’t care — cuz you’re a henious villain” thought process.
In fact Pete only started being nice to Vegas/doing what he said so that Vegas would get bored and either kill him or let him go. That’s it. That’s like 92% of their novel relationship. Pete being fake asf so Vegas would find him boring.
Even prior to being captor and captive Book!Pete could not and did not see behind Vegas’ mask. In his own thoughts during his time captive, he thinks about how he had always perceived Vegas as y’know “just some guy” even with Kinn/Tankhun’s warnings — these warnings being the only reason he knew to be wary of Vegas in the first place.
Chef’s kiss 💋 👌👌 to the show for the way they made specific and subtle changes from the source material that would greatly change the entire dynamic of all the characters and their relationships with each other. (But that’s an essay for a whole other day 👀)
Now, how did the show change Vegas and Pete’s relationship into something entirely new, even more fked up than it was in the narrative, and yet somehow a million times better?
Simple.
(1) Pete’s observation skills and ability to see through Vegas mask from the very beginning. AND his “there’s no heroes or villains” mindset
(2) Pete *choosing* to sneak in with the knowledge and preparation of his torture and death should things go wrong.
(3) The shared experience of both having abusive fathers.
(Pete being the more mature and introspective and aware one between the two, aKa giving Vegas some solid therapy and enlightenment.)
(4) The clippers that have been left in the room with Pete. These writers have been intentional to the *T* — if all these damn essays and meta aren’t proof enough to yall of that then 🤷 idk what else I could give to prove that to you.
(Listennnnnnn,,, you don’t have all these intentional choices for every little thing and then accidentally leave bolt cutters on set of an important scene. Would make no damn sense.)
(5) The hedgehog 🦔
(Vegas didn’t have a pet in the novel…not one I remember at least.)
(6) The Key 🔑
(7) Vegas not initiating the Kiss
Okay. All of the above 1–7 are just a few of the changes made that have major importance for both Pete and Vegas’ relationship.
With Pete being able to see under Vegas’ mask we know that Vegas’ fake masks don’t fool him. There’s something about Vegas that Pete can see through. So when Pete chooses to sneak into the minor family compound — vocally stating before he does it that he knows the consequences— this informs the audience that he’s prepared for them. For capture, torture, death. Which is why when Vegas comes in to torture him and Pete knows he’s foiled his plans and will most likely die? Dude has nothing to lose, so he’ll be damned if he’ll let Vegas see his fear.
Not only does this give Pete a lot more agency. (In the book it was just, wrong place, wrong time); but — as fked up as it is — it also lets the audience feel less bad when he does inevitably get caught / tortured.
It’s not that he asked for it, but at least he knew what was going to happen. An unsuspecting victim is a lot more pitiable than a suspecting victim. Especially if it’s a consequence of a choice he voluntarily made — compared to being forced to investigate via ‘boss’s order.’ So already the writers are setting us up to not hate Vegas as much as we would if Pete truly stumbled into the situation on accident.
Now one of the most important differences — that shared trauma of having an abusive father, and using it to relate to Vegas. Unlike Book!Pete, our Pete recognizes Vegas’ situation. He’s been in the same place — while having the actual affection of his grandmother to fall back on (which Vegas obv didn’t have); therefore he also understands why Vegas tortures him the way that he does — he understands that Vegas is only feeling pathetic and lousy and is taking that out on him.
But in that tender and melancholic moment when Vegas decides to be vulnerable after patching up Pete’s wounds, Pete talks to Vegas with an understanding only someone in his position (or a therapist lol) would have. Even then, objectively knowing something is different than having experienced it yourself. And it’s the fact that Pete’s *also* experienced that sh*t that lends credibility to what he’s saying — at least in Vegas’ eyes.
This is why Pete knows there’s no good or evil, hero or villain, black or white binary in this world.
Because when you get down to it: we truly are shaped by our environments and the things we experience as we grow (obv not ignoring genetics but that’s not the point). And it’s this reflective and mature/observational outlook that helps him empathize with Vegas.
More than empathize — it’s *this* outlook that helps Pete not hold lasting grudges or hate for past hurts.
It’s always easier to forgive someone when you know where they’re coming from.
And Pete never really took it personally (for the most part) considering Vegas is on an opposing side. When an enemy gets captured on the enemy’s base of course they’d get either killed or tortured, esp for information.
That’s not something special to Vegas.
Vegas refusing to kill Pete tho? Lol. That’s enough for a dislike to sour. But I don’t think it sours all that much once we put in the consideration of Pete’s observations recognizing what Vegas is — a victim of an abusive home/situation.
(Not that it excuses him, but nobody’s trying to do that here LOL.)
Now getting down to the nitty gritty.
The hedgehog, the key, and why Pete isn’t a victim of Stockholm syndrome.
First, I think the hedgehog 🦔 is very important because it gives the audience (and Pete) another reason to empathize with Vegas — humans might not mean sh*t to him, but he loves and takes care of his pets.
He loves something. He cares about something. This humanizes him.
And a small and fragile pet can often humanize a character more than a human. A real sicko kills animals. But Vegas’ care for his hedgehog 🦔 shows that he isn’t that. He’s human too—albeit a really fked up one, but human nonetheless. He’s capable of love too, but perhaps humans have hurt him so much that he knows only an animal would be something he can trust.
This kind of trust and love he can only find in animals is also a very isolating existence. It highlights just how trapped Vegas is — the Hedgehog is literally a mirror of himself and his situation.
Yes he cares for Macau — but it’s “easier” to care for a human than an animal. Easier to empathize with a human. So while yeah, his care for his brother, while subtle in the show, is important, it isn’t as important to the audience as his love for his hedgehog. Especially when it comes to convincing an audience to forgive a character’s past villainy and long list of crimes.
But here’s what’s really important — the key.
Vegas leaving the key there (intentional or not; but imo, I think it’s obv intentional. Dude is way too meticulous for that to be accidental), gives Pete the agency to either escape or stay.
This, again, helps the audience be more okay with the idea of the two of them ending up in a relationship. It’s one thing if Pete has no choice and goes along with things to survive or cope with trauma — but it’s entirely something else if he’s allowed to leave, but doesn’t.
But Pete’s reason for staying has to be rational in some sense so the suspension of disbelief doesn’t attack the audience going 900 mph on the logic freeway.
So him escaping but seeing Vegas sitting pathetically on the grass, alone in the dark, and holding his dead pet?
The person there isn’t the dude that tortured him. Naw, that part of Vegas — is the child trapped in a cage and left isolated in the dark while anything that had ever brought him light or comfort in his life leaves him. He may be sitting on grass, but for Vegas it could’ve been the equivalent of sitting on broken glass.
It’s such a stark difference too from the versions of Vegas Pete’s used to seeing. Yeah he had that conversation about dads last episode, but even then Vegas wasn’t totally broken and left in despair.
But this Vegas?
This Vegas was someone so broken he couldn’t even cry until Pete touched him to provide comfort.
This Vegas isn’t just a sharp edge that can cut you if you get too close, now’s he’s much too broken for that — and his sharp edge has twisted inward from attacking others to attacking himself.
At this point, Pete’s beyond empathizing with his captor — esp because he isn’t a captive here. He’s not chained anymore. Vegas has no interest holding him captive. Pete at any point after he got out of those chains could have left and Vegas would do nothing to stop him.
Vegas is broken. He’s depressed. And he’s numb because it hurts too much to do anything but sit in his own despair. Pete touching him in comfort might’ve opened the floodgates of that hurt, but that doesn’t mean it changed how Vegas felt. Dude is still in despair when he heads inside.
Anyways this is getting too long so I’ll make a part two — getting more particular in the psychology of why Pete stayed, and why he kissed Vegas.
Closing words to end on:
Pete doesn’t leave because he knows what it’s like, and he’s sees the humanity and pain in Vegas and he cares. He cares because no broken and abused kid should be left isolated in the dark, not even knowing how to cry. He cares because he wants to do for Vegas what his grandmother did for him. What he wished more people would have done when he was in that pain and darkness.
He cares because he looks at Vegas and he sees himself.
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rockyroadkylers · 23 days
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🕯️🌻🍬🍬🐚🍅🐝🧩📚
thank you for the ask and the low-level anxiety (you'll see what i mean)
🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?
i mean, it's not my favorite part of the process, but i don't mind it. i like being able to fine-tune to make sure everything is just right.
🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis
hmm... can i go for an easy out and say the mods at @thebrownstone? 😂 i do genuinely appreciate them, they work really hard to keep that server running, which is so admirable because it is a HUGE server.
🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character
perhaps not unpopular, but certainly not common: june is a lesbian
🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character
ok i do have. an actually unpopular opinion. but i don't want people to unfollow me for sharing it, because i do think everyone is entitled to their own, this is just mine 😩
i think junopez was an unnecessary addition, and it's kind of annoying how fixated the fandom is on it... please don't unfollow me - threesomes in general just aren't my cup of tea, which is apparently a minority opinion in this fandom and i'm not trying to hate on anyone else for liking those things, i just kind of groan internally and duck out of the conversation whenever it gets brought up because i think it's overrated
🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?
depends on the nature of the surprise 😅
🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing
learn to end a sentence 😂
🐝 ⇢tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them
well. my best friend, first of all, but she's a private person and probably wouldn't appreciate me tagging her 😂 she does not wish to be perceived. that's not the nice thing though !!! the nice thing is that she's not even in any of the fandoms i write for, but she'll still read most of my writing anyway to encourage my interests.
i'm also gonna tag @user-anakin because bec is always there to yell at me when i share a new snippet <3
and @gayrootvegetable too because i cry every time they say they're rereading my fic
EDIT: I FORGOT TO TAG MY BETA/SIDEKICK IDK HOW but omg @44whispers is always there to yell about my WIP with me and help me iron out the kinks, ily muah <3
🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?
bad grammar/the whole fic being published as one paragraph/clunky characterization
📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?
i don't really use my notes app for writing purposes… the last time i did was to keep track of all the overly-pedantic google searches i made while writing It's Nice to Have a Friend, including but not limited to:
whether or not the cowboy emoji existed in 2011 (it did not)
the difference between MI5 and MI6 (national vs international)
how long does a wedding reception take (up to 10 hours depending on the planned activities 😳)
line dancing (i spent over an hour going down this rabbit hole)
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(sent through here in case you don’t answer notes. replies? idk, i’m new to tumblr. feel free to disregard if you do reply to those.)
Are you willing to engage in a convo/elaborate on disliking Taehyung? I can see that you already have somewhere, but I’m new here so I can’t find that. All that I have gleaned is that his actions have bothered you somehow? To be honest, I would like to critique one of your posts by saying that I think you saying “I don’t have the energy for him, I’m trying to be nice” is, like, harmful? Rude? Maybe a bit weird? Yes, I am Taehyung-biased, but I would still be saying this if you said that to Jimin or Minho or, idk, Harry Styles. I just think it’s an unnecessarily mean and even threatening thing to say to someone without being a bit more upfront about your reasoning. I think it would be helpful to link those old posts you made, though I get that that’s not possible for every ask. Anyway, I guess I’ve become the Taehyung-likers in your inbox (or whatever this thing is called) that you don’t have energy for lol, but I genuinely would like to know your reasoning. Thanks for all the other posts, too, your queer Bangtan analyses are very cool and awesome.
Hey @raspberrytaegi
I saw you sent this same message in the comments. I decided to answer here because it's easier to write. This was during my break, so now I finally decided to actually answer your questions.
In a way, I understand where you're coming from, specifically because it appears that you only recently opened up your blog and you somehow stumbled on to mine and you happened to see me dismissing something that was Tae-related. Now, there was a context to that. Some of it is obvious from my blog, other stuff was more personal in a way. This is not me justifying myself because as you will see in what I will explain down the line, I don't think it's necessary for me to do so.
Me saying I don't have the energy for him was right before I went on a break and put the blog on hold. My initial plan was to wait until right before Christmas, but I just had had enough of anything BTS and the 90 percent of asks that were piling up in my inbox. If I came across as rude in that ask, I was just the same in the other ones I responded during those days because I simply didn't have the patience anymore for nonsense. So, there was that.
For anyone who has been following me for a while, they sort of know what my stance is in regards to Tae and I've never been shy about it. I can't link all my posts about him because it would take too much work and time that I do not have. I also wish my tagging system would be more consistent, but if you are interested, you can check the "tae", "taehyung" "V" tags on my blog and you could probably find some more. And what you will find is that indeed, I'm not a fan of him. But I also don't subscribe to this idiotic mentality of what this fandom would call anti, hater or whatever else label is out there. Which means, I don't have a hate boner for him. I may be biased and that influences the way I perceive him, but I'm also not going to drag him for the sake of it. I had anons saying his friendship with the Wooga squad is fake and just for the show they made which was something that I did not agree. I sort of live posted during the Grammy awards last year and 80 percent of my posts was me enjoying Tae doing his thing. His first trip to Paris was on my radar as well and in a good way. I also talked about the "dating scandal" back in September and how the fans are being shitty towards the entire thing (in way more words anyway. If that is of interest to you, I tagged it under the ship name).
At the same time, I'm not a fan of his behavior. I think he can be shady some times and this is something that would get me stoned on twitter. He can come across as rude and spoiled and that's something that personally doesn't work for me. I also don't expect everyone to agree. Some things that I don't like might be the same reason why others are his fans. They like how Tae is more serious and quiet, I see it as unwilligness to be professional (in some group video messages and even Run BTS episodes. Everyone can have a difficult day and not be in the mood at all, but it's a job where they play games. That's it. And it's not a one time occurence. If it was that case, I probably wouldn't have noticed).
I don't understand his tendency to lie. Especially when there's intention (or it comes across as that). This is a behavior that is seen by his fans as Tae just being himself, he's cool like that. Fine. But not to me. He posts a fake tattoo just because, he says he's having a collab for a Christmas song but that didn't happen and it came out of the blue, and so on.
I don't hate the guy, I just don't vibe with him at all and he's the type of person that I can't be a fan of. That's it. It's not a crime. And I'm also not going to judge you for coming to my inbox and wanting to understand why I think that way because you're Tae biased. I get it. I also don't get some of the opinions written about Jimin and Jungkook so I understand your position.
I also don't mind the passive agressiveness in your ask about me not having the energy for a Tae-biased fan. I "judge" my anons mostly on how they choose to express themselves and the willingness to understand different point of views, not based on who they stan. If someone is at least mostly reasonable (which you were), we can have a conversation.
Lastly, I saw that you liked some of my other posts, thank you! Seeing that you didn't immediately sent me a hate post and being able to see beyond an dismissive answer to an ask I answered played a big part in me being open now in having this conversation.
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bigstupiddummie · 3 months
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making a post in the tags to “call out” a person is so dumb and childish and stupid, so i won’t put this in there. however, the admin of @wavehq is full lying on my name these days even though i haven’t talked to them or anyone else involved in there in like 6mos. and i rly want them to stop.
i don’t have my old discord account w ss. if anyone else has ss with me in them, u can add them to this post idc how ugly it makes me look. i talked a LOT of shit ( and pertaining to this story, about sel esp ) and called ppl some nasty names and any ss will incriminate me of that. so me talking shit isn’t a ‘gotcha’ anymore. i talked shit and called sel names, as well as k, and i know sel called me names, and im sure everyone else did too. whatevs.
yk what i never did ? i never made a “manifesto” about my ex friend, or priv-retweeted their personal ooc twitter account to mock them. i never helped create and work on an rpt blog, then went and consoled the person being mentioned in nasty messages in the blog on some “oh im so sorry this is happening to you ˙◠˙” shit when it was them the whole time. the worst i did was “fuck her, he’s a cunt, fuck them”, but dream, you lied to me a Lot!
and you’re lying in defending yourself by saying i “heavily hate” sid or anyone. i never have, never did, never will. the last thing i said to sid in like July was “hey, heres my ooc tiktok, im deleting discord. if i never hear from you again, take care.” and then i left rp and the rpc entirely. haven’t talked to or even perceived any of you in months.
you want to believe i’m “bringing this up now” to start stuff or something, but what stakes do i have in any of this? you and yours drove me out of the hobby i’ve loved since i was 12, used an rpt blog to force me to defend myself against your ugly claims at a time you Knew well and good i was absent and dealing with a family death ( and then came in my dms to comfort me ??? you and k both. ) . i lost all of my best friends of several years. trust me, i want no part of the rpc anymore. i don’t want back in. i don’t want to engage. this is a nothing tumblr account that ill never use again. consider, instead, that another person close to the situation and i shared similar experiences and realized there were too many untruths and inconsistencies to let it rest, rather than just ‘starting stuff’ to start stuff.
“sid says steph crops screenshots to make them look incriminating” aye , but i definitely gave my entire discord login out, more than once, and encouraged my friend at the time to go ahead and look for themselves ( they declined at the time. i can still give the login i really do not care. though idk if the login will work anymore bc the accounts been deactivated for, uh, 6 months.) i cropped ss where earthp members were telling me how K is making them uncomfortable and how they were worried lenny was being dragged around by K, that i did do. and i STILL let k know that that’s what they were saying. i can’t stress enough ive got Nothing here that im fighting for i just think its ugly to lie for so long to everyone
“steph heavily hates sid” i do not. note the last thing i said to sid, up there ^. we did follow each other on tiktok then, and then we didn’t speak for 6 months. as of this morning, we are no longer tiktok mutuals - so it goes. sid never owed me anything. i don’t hate them. they know ( and yk what, so do my irl work managers!!! bc this shit affected my actual real mental health!!! ) that the day things went down, i left work early sobbing full blown emotional episode, writing paragraphs in desperation, to the point of overwhelming them and myself. i loved them dearly, called them my ‘spouse’ and best friend everyday, etc. though i don’t know now if they knew more about you than they let on. anyway……. please don’t just be declaring shit about me like it’s fact ?? i don’t hate anyone. not even you dream! just stop lyinggggg i hate that
ye all made me feel like i was crazy and losing myself in my own paranoia omg??? and ye were in your private chats afterward going “well deserved!!!” who even are you what did i do to you omgggg are we not in our late 20s with lives and careers ?????
if this is all bc of heddie/reddie and avengefm ? its ships dude it’s dolls it’s not real and to commit so much energy and emotion to lying to protect ur ships/rps is troubling at best. and if its not about heddie/reddie, then i haven’t a NOTION bc you and i, even when we were friendly w each other, were not close enough to create a bond to break??? i didnt do anything to you but welcome you into my writing spaces and engage in yours to the best of my ability. i was transparent with you when my activity struggled or i needed a break for mental health reasons… but what you had done with your friends is what ruined my mental health ?… go figure ….
i know who was behind that blog because they came clean and told me your connection to it as well. i know sel said nasty things about me too - we’re human and humans love talking shit. but no one else ever took it as far as you did, dream.
i don’t want anything from you! just stop lying on my name i don’t “heavily hate” anyone. outside of my shit talking from 6mos ago, i haven’t said a word against anyone but yourself; i’ve called you a liar, here in this post, because that is what i believe you are.
nobody in my entire life brings up what happened in everwell more than you and k. i owned up to every part i had ( whether directly or by my unavailability, all of it ), i deplatformed and cut out my two best friends ( people i had had in my HOME and had met IRL they were real people to me!!!!! ) and apologized personally to everyone affected, while picking out a funeral outfit and consoling my crying family. these are all my cards on table. you don’t have to respond either. just omg quit lying about me and the way i feel and what my intentions are - if a mf wants to know what im thinking and feeling, they can just Ask me.
and k i don’t want anything from you either! your names in this post because you were involved, and you know your involvement with that blog and how you also came to console me after. outside of that, i do not think of you and do not care what you think of me.
sid, i don’t want anything from u all either and i meant it when i said if i never hear from you again, take care bc i did care for u lots and also invited you into my home bc you were a real person to me. just know for a fact that anything dream says i’m saying about you or feeling toward you is just pulled out of thin air for whatever reason.
i always thought ye all were great writers!!! and so did snags and lex, way back when it was about writing for the love of writing. i would say all the time “omg dream is so funny” “omg k is cracking me up”, and they’d agree. hell if they’re at all in the rpc anymore and see this - hey guys! sorry shit got so ugly. you’ll never guess who was behind it.
i left the rpc and got mental help. i hope ye can get some help too.
* this is dream bringing sel into the Issues and tying her directly to k, btw. you keep saying you didn’t bring sel into the k stuff, but “they’re besties” “she and sel” “they want peach to drop eddie so sel can pick up eddie” this is where we’re getting that from, bc you keep saying you only referenced sel’s activity and didn’t connect her to k at all. i cropped out sids response. i can add it if need be but it’s just sid believing you.
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this is where i’m pulling what im referencing in this post from. the second half is censored bc it doesn’t have to do with me.
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this is me texting my irl work manager on the day sid and i last spoke. i was distraught and emotional and crying but ok yeah i “heavily hate” sid when the way everything went down broke me to bits OKAYYY
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the censored names are the names of my irl managers like it was So Serious so don’t try putting words in my mouth about sid.
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internetaddict104 · 15 days
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I think disliking Amanda from how you’ve perceived them is fine, but being “anti” a human being because you have a negative perception of them is a bit much. We don’t really know these people at the end of the day. Being “anti” a person in this instance comes off as hateful for no good reason. I personally dislike Trevor but I’d never say I’m “anti” Trevor unless he showed himself to be a truly heinous person. I kind of know what you mean about her presence annoying you and her coming across as condescending (she has a certain demeanour that can be interpreted this way which has annoyed me a bit at times), but could you give a specific example where she was actually being condescending? I mostly observe her being affectionate and complimentary to the cast. In terms of her humour, obviously it’s absolutely fine you don’t like her humour - it’s not for everyone!
Ok so I used “anti” because another ask said that was better than just putting it in her actual tag, and idk how else to tag it. If you have any suggestions please let me know and I’ll change it, but I figured putting in the “anti” tag would put the post in that (apparently nonexistent) part of tumblr.
And I can’t remember the exact video, but there was one where she kept talking over someone (Angela?) and saying “oh honey” like how a mom would talk to a toddler. And she usually talks over the cast anyway. She acts like a mom, but not in a good way, if you get me?
I’m sorry I can’t be more specific but I literally do not watch videos if she’s in them (unless it’s a tntl but that’s just bc it’s my favorite series), and I don’t really wanna watch them to give specifics bc clearly that’s not something I’d enjoy 😂. If it pops up or comes to me I’ll edit it in here though!
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tartaeya · 1 year
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Kaeya, Childe, Diluc, Zhongli <3
Already answered Kaeya so you're getting the other three!
favorite thing about them: Childe is so fucking unhinged but so normal about it. You could have a normal conversation with him about the weather and he'll slip in something about killing someone and you'll be like "what?" and he'll be like "haha what? anyway" and just continue. I like to think that Kaeya is like "dude you're doing it again" whenever he gets all excited about killing his enemies and Childe is like "oh right!! (changes topic)". It doesn't bother Kaeya (he's just grown used to Childe's antics) but while he doesn't exactly censor himself or care to, he'll still take in the comfort of someone else into consideration. He's also mildly manipulative in this sense.
least favorite thing about them: How many people have him as a diehard otp character with another character, I can't search Childe without seeing ten million notp pictures simultaneously.
favorite line: something something I wonder what the rest of the harbingers are up to? Plotting and scheming on an ever grander scale no doubt~
brOTP: Idk man, I kind of like Childe not having one. The obvious answer is Zhongli, but I actually like the idea of them not being close. Childe loves his family, loves Kaeya, but otherwise is kind of tense with his fellow Harbingers and doesn't make friends easily unless they're on the same level.
OTP: Chaeya chaeya chaeya chaeya oh my GOD does Childe need someone like Kaeya in his life. I view them as similar characters with different motivations, and pinging off each other So SO well. I do headcanon that they already know each other in some capacity and would love to see Genshin actually put them in a team beyond Childe's trial quest.
nOTP: Like I said in the other post, I have ship blinders on for every ship I'm really invested in. I Do Not Perceive Other Childe Ships than Chaeya. And if I have to I'm :( about it.
random headcanon: Childe knows Kaeya from his childhood but won't elaborate to anyone how or why. Kaeya refuses to do the same.
unpopular opinion: His attitude has to be characterized as perfectly balanced. He's neither entirely crazy nor perfectly normal. He's just Childe. I absolutely hate refreshing the Chaeya tag on ao3 and seeing shit like Childe being the villain character while Kaeya's tagged with another character as the main, healthy ship. Actually, I hate it when people do that with every ship I like, but it seems to be a major offender with Chaeya in particular.
song i associate with them idk man i don't really think about music in depth ;_;
zhongluc below
DILUC:
favorite thing about them: Diluc is my poor traumatized meow meow he's fucked up so bad at so many things and he still puts other people ahead of himself and tries to protect his city in his own way. He's complicated and simple at the same time while veering more towards Complicated, he has the strongest sense of justice out of every character even if that sense of justice can hurt the people he cares about!! Diluc is selfless but in this weirdly selfish way. I don't know how to describe it. I love him. Meow Meow.
least favorite thing about them: Diluc fucked up with Kaeya but I don't think that's my least favorite thing about him?? I think it adds to the complexity of their brotherly relationship?
favorite line: instead of my favorite line bc that's hard, I'll give you my least favorite line. "Listen, as long as you stick to your own path, it doesn't matter what mother nature throws at you" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN DILUC?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN
brOTP I like his and Kaeya's bickering. I think it makes sense for their history.
OTP Zhongluc because Zhongli and Diluc are both opposites and similar characters at the same time-- and I see Zhongli as wanting to stop Diluc from chasing revenge and fighting because look where it got himself during the Archon War-- and Diluc needs something like a guiding force now that Crepus is no longer in his life. They're so cozy to me, like Diluc needing someone who can handle his baggage and also did you know that dragons and phoenixes are meant to symbolize a happy marriage in Chinese lore, now u do
nOTP same as above, ship blinders. but if you want to have an example I did unfollow someone for putting untagged j**nluc on my tumblr feed haha
random headcanon: He helps out at his Winery with the dirty work, he doesn't just delegate tasks, he helps with harvests. Also he likes pets but is mildly allergic so he can't have one :(
unpopular opinion Diluc is fun to play in Genshin. I said it. Come at me
ZHONGLI:
favorite thing about them I'm getting exhausted answering these but Zhongli is just so goddamn attractive. He's handsome and well-spoken and easily one of the most appealing Genshin men all around. But I have to say that his depth lives up to his hype, his story quests were great and I like what we keep being given about him.
least favorite thing about them He's selfish in a genuine way. Like his whole plan to retire and have Ningguang clean up his mess and his nonsense was just ??? It actually put a wrench in how much I liked him for a while. I was just mind boggled by his actions LMAO, but at the same time, the dude's lived a life where he's kinda earned it.
favorite line: Osmanthus wine tas--
brOTP: How about a dad-vibe brotp. To me, Xiao is definitely his son.
OTP Zhongluc Zhongluc Zhongluc I feel like Diluc could call him out on his selfishness and shirking his responsibilities as an Archon without necessarily alienating him-- I want these two characters to have hard conversations about who they are and what they stand for and eventually come to accept one another. I also like the idea of Kaeya just hating Zhongli lmao Diluc that's an archon you know that right?? Gross.
nOTP blinderssss I don't like any other Zhongli ship. I was almost ok with Guizhong but now that they've revealed her in-game design it just looks bad and childish and now i can't see it anymore. (sorry guys if you like it i just. I wish Genshin designed her as a mature woman)
random headcanon If Zhongli had to choose between living in Liyue for the rest of time or staying in Mondstadt for Diluc's lifespan, I think he would take the change of pace and Venti would find it hilarious/annoying. I also subscribe to the Zhongluc reincarnation fan-headcanon so maybe he just travels looking for Diluc in whatever new lifetime he's entered.
unpopular opinion idk I feel like I already said enough about him that's not popular.
song i associate with them NOOOO MORE I'M DONE
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theowlseye · 1 year
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I should start a things to talk about in therapy tag because lol
tw for generally unhealthy relationships to one’s body and self and how to relate to others
Also no proofreading none of this makes sense
Anyways I definitely have a lot of issues re: my own narcissism and internalized homophobia and like desires with romance because like I am definitely more attracted to women/women-aligned people than I am men and that’s a problem for me in a weird way. I definitely develop crushes more on people perceived as men initially (I’ve had more than a few crushes on people who later came out as trans women or non-binary and I have mixed feelings regarding how gay versus bi that makes me because I feel like in a way it ends up being gender essentialist all-trans-fem-people-are-xyz-thing which alienates trans fem people who don’t fit into that mold but also like this is probably too high of a number to ignore) but like when it comes down to what turns me on, it’s usually women. And like! That bothers me! And I know I shouldn’t.
I think a lot of it is definitely like, growing up and even today seeing how like 95% of romance is presented as heterosexual man and female, so like I don’t have too many images of what to romanticize for sapphic love. I guess my most core memory of sapphic media is watching But I’m a Cheerleader for the first time but like while that was great for 17 year old me it doesn’t give 27 year old me anything. But I think also like, as much as Men As A Class Are Scary, I think I kind of idealize them? Like if a handsome man loves you then you’re officially fucking pretty because they’re the ones running this shit.
Then there’s the issue of how I feel like I’d feel…unloved in a sapphic relationship? I know contrapoints is cringe and problematic but she is unfortunately the best example of this I can find so bare with me, but her video on envy was sort of eye opening to me. She talks about how sometimes it’s hard for femme lesbians to date other femme lesbians because they don’t want to compare themselves to another woman who is similar enough to them and think “is she prettier than me?” and I was like “oh I get that.” I’m not very feminine which is what makes this weird but like my fear of entering a relationship with another woman is that like she’ll likely be more feminine and attractive than I am, and I will not be the one fawned over or told that she’s pretty. I’ll be the one doing that for her. I don’t want to fall into like a protector role who validates my partner’s femininity. I feel like such a little bitch for saying this but like i want to be protected and told I’m pretty and get attention.
And i know I could try to be more feminine but I have this horrible contradiction where I want to be treated like a little forest nymph like I don’t like most traditionally feminine things and signifiers. I hate closed toe shoes that you can’t wear socks with. I think pants are way more comfort than skirts and dresses. I hate how mascara feels on my eyelashes and I don’t have the kind of eyes that you can even wear eyeliner and eyeshadow with (my eyes are deepset and have that extra skin that fold over you can tell that I love looking at blepharoplasty and brow lift results to make myself remember how ugly I am). I also feel like fat feminine people are seen as people who are trying to hard at something than they can never succeed at. Like people would look at me like “oh she’s trying that so cute bet she doesn’t realize that she weighs more than the average man”
But then when I had a guy dating me and telling me that I was pretty it made me cringe! Idk why! My old therapist asked me “is it because you don’t believe you are a pretty girl” and like kinda? I feel like if someone calls me pretty it’s some elaborate joke but also like I crave it?
I remember a boy making me fun of me on middle school for my acne and basically since then my brain was like “put yourself down before anyone else does because then they can’t hurt you with it.” But the opposite side of that is that I don’t believe anything good about myself until someone else says it first. (also I was probably being snooty to that kid first about something. I was a know it all. But I also also in the advanced class for 7th and 8th grade so we were all snooty little known it alls.)
Oh and also I still have those thoughts of “well if you marry a woman you’ll go to hell for eternity”
And just idk no one of any gender is interested in me I’m gonna die alone like the incel I am
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mjpeters · 3 years
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A SAMBUCKY FANMIX ♪ — loosely inspired by tfatws episode 5
[ LISTEN HERE ]
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barbiegirldream · 3 years
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No you know what this Hannah Rose nonsense has made me want to make this post I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. 
So Hannah Rose pointed out how people will put any vile shit they want about a cc in a post and then add /neg as if that makes it all okay. 
And people are responding saying she’s wrong because the /neg is for people with hyperfixations so they don’t have to see something that might ruin their whole day. 
But why are the hyperfixations of someone more important/valid than the mental health of the ccs? This is not about a character in a book you’re tearing down or some idk A-List actor who’s account is run by a PR team. This is about young adults who make funny videos for us to enjoy and people have decided they will actively cyberbully them and then cry when they’re called on this behavior. 
Let’s take Dream because he has this shit put to him all the time. So Dream has ADHD and RSD and from what we’ve seen he has it bad. He talks about being very emotional and getting upset with himself when he thinks he’s failing. RSD for those that don’t know is rejection sensitive dysphoria which means you have very intense emotional reactions to criticism and perceived rejections. So all those times he’s lashed out probably related to his RSD. 
And yet every time people leap to say he can’t blame everything on his ADHD which okay RSD can be linked to ADHD but it’s not the same thing. Yet everyone with hyperfixations gets off scot free for liking a ‘problematic’ cc because they can’t help it. Do they not understand Dream can’t help it either?
Do they not understand that neg tag is like a blaring rejection sign right in his face? He can’t ignore when hundreds of thousands of people are actively sending him hate and threats. Even without RSD that has to take a massive mental toll on you. It’s actual cyberbullying and then when people point it out antis hop right on the ableist train and say he can’t blame it on his nuerodivergency therefore they are not guilty for mocking someones symptoms of neurodivergency. 
Because that’s what it is, no one saying that really wants to hold Dream accountable or view him like a person. Because if twitter gave Dream the same patience and respect they say they give people with nd then I think the conversations could be a lot more productive. 
Why doesn’t Dream just use some self-restraint? idk why don’t you stop hyperfixating? Go on just change how your brain works, right now. And you know what is the only proven form of treating RSD? Meds. Do we know what Dream doesn’t take because they made him feel bad? Meds. Also therapy isn’t exactly helpful for RSD because of the way it works and Dream has stated therapy didn’t really work for him.  
If someone told me to my face that I couldn’t react overly emotional to them saying I should hurt myself or sending me videos of them doing it I think I might punch them in the face. Twitter users feel awfully cozy behind their screens being cyberbullies. Like I’m not talking about people who have valid things to say to the ccs and try and get their point across. Just like Hannah wasn’t. I’m talking about the cyberbullies, and I’m not gonna use any other term here, that just want to hate someone for the internet clout.  
Stop hiding your ableism, misogyny, racism, or even fatphobia (from the fake Dream dox) behind problematic creators. Dream or anyone else might ignore you but you could be insulting or undercutting someone who shares similar traits with these ccs. 
Like lets not pretend this Hannah Rose neg tag isn’t an excuse for people to say how much they hate women and white ones in particular apparently.
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fastcarsgovroom · 3 years
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[Yeah yeah long rant but I process things and understand the world by writing essays so if it’s too long you don’t need to read it, but for my own sanity I wanted to write and post it.]
So this is my perspective as a person whose culture (non-white, I suppose this is relevant or something. Not Mexican so I guess I don’t get a say for this Landogate but here I am) gets parodied and insulted sometimes: There *are* real issues around cultural appropriation and caricatures that reduce my culture and my experience into jokes, and real harm can come from it. Sometimes, that does involve party costumes. There are instances this is done to intentionally insult and harm, but most of the time, it’s not done with malice. It’s just a bunch of people who are not aware of such issues and having fun. A bunch of ignorant people, dumbasses, if you like.
The thing is, despite what certain places online want to believe, it’s not something that’s discussed extensively everywhere. It’s not exactly something people ‘should know’ right away or even think to research. Heck even (some) people from my own culture find the costumes and stereotypes funny, or just don’t care, or laugh at or laugh along with the people wearing costumes and making fun of the culture. There’s more nuance to this issue than ‘wearing costumes that are based on stereotypes = bad’.
Because otherwise you do get instances where people get offended on your behalf when you don’t think it’s a hill worth dying on. You get people who tell you ‘you’re colonized, you’re brainwashed to be sympathetic to the colonizer / offender / etc., you don’t know what you’re talking about because you’re too detached from your culture because you like ‘Westernized’ things and values, you’re ignorant about your own culture, you have internalized whatever-phobia and self-hate’. Because if my or others from my culture’s independent thought does not line up with the social justice movement du jour we’re part of the problem. My ‘minority’ voice be damned because it doesn’t fit your narrative. Yeah, really love this part /s.
I won’t tell any of you how you should feel or do or whatever, but look, shit’s tiring. Especially if it’s Lando. He’s a young (yeah yeah privileged white we’ve heard all of it) driver who gets paid to make rounds in a circuit for our entertainment. He’s spoken up about some salient issues. He does stupid things. But why is it that every little thing he does is scrutinized, and why take the time and energy to get outraged over any hint of a slight? Every week or so, there’s outrage. For some reason. Some, yeah, borderline ‘oof’, bad taste on his part. Some are like, ‘wth even? This is the hill you want to die on?’ And more often than not, it’s in the name of defending someone’s or some group’s perceived honor. I don’t really understand where some of you are coming from. Yeah you’re entitled to your own opinion, but what is it with the ‘you’re with me or against me’ stance? Someone offers a counterpoint, they’re branded an apologist. Someone says they don’t get the outrage, they’re a rabid fangirl who wants to sleep with him (okay pls another thing I really don’t get is why sex is always factored in like some gotcha. Someone talks about sex? Cancelled! Someone you don’t like? They’re not getting enough sex! Cancelled! Someone seemed to have more sex than someone else? Lmao the other person who has more sex is obvs better. Less-sex person is cancelled! Oh someone online doesn't agree with me! Must want sex! Cancelled! Idk grow up.)
At some point, it’s not even about Lando anymore, but like, the actual issues people are yelling about. Really seems like you’re reducing the issues you claim to be defending to like, “I don’t like this guy, he did something that is vaguely problematic. Obviously it was X-ism. Let’s complain about it in his tags, and if the ‘fans’ don’t agree, they’re problematic too." Because, sex I guess.
In some instances, yeah, I get where you are coming from. I really do. But, is this really how you think advocating for social justice and progress is supposed to be? Would you really go yell at your friends and family who do something that can be couched as offensive and correct their behavior, or is jumping in the online cancel bandwagon more fulfilling because it’s like you’re doing something on a larger scale? Look, I’ve been there. There are social issues I care about, that affect me, that I hope to slowly ‘educate’ people around me about, people I care about so they change their ways. Have I snarked and yelled at people (in my real life) about them? Yes. Did it work? No, not really. Not everyone is going to react favorably to hostility. Not everyone is as ‘woke’ as you. Not everyone is doing something to step on your rights or offend you. Being more educated about an issue doesn't make you better, or give you the high ground to yell at other people for every little thing. Honestly, at this point I think some of you are just anger trolls who don’t really care about the issues you claim to be defending.
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haikyuu-beans · 2 years
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Alright pinned post.
It's gonna be long but pls read through!! There's intros, dni, about + whatever we threw there lol this will be edited frequently!!
Requests: open!!
About
What we do: pronoun validation, stimboards, aesthetic boards, or you can just talk to us as fellow fictives!! Venting about anything is A-OK!! Esp if it's related to being a fictive
This blog is about fictives (haikyuu specifically but all are welcome) first and foremost but non fictives are welcome to interact and request too!!! We encourage it!! Doubles are 1000% welcomed with open arms!!
This blog will be a mess of haikyuu art, requests and interactions!!
Intros
Kenma: He/they/she. I'm dumb and it may take me a few minutes to understand stuff!!
Kuroo: he/him. I can be a real ass but i promise im not an asshole
Bokuto: whatever ya like babe! (He/it/they/xe preferably). I get hyper affffff so lemme know if you're in a bad mood and i'll turn down the bass.
Hinata: he/him pls!! Uh uh uh idk what else to put!!
Oikawa: they/them, hq fictives and friends can use he/him. Pls don't talk about my source to me unless you're also a fictive. I have two tags "oikawa beans" and "toru beans". Please do NOT call me Toru unless you are in our partner system.
Satoriiiiii: he/they babeyyyy. I am dating Toshi in our system so i miGHT gush about him if he gets brought up.
Ushijima Wakatoshi: he/him. Please use tone indicators when speaking with me.
Sugwara Koushi: He/they pls! I'm usually pretty busy so i may not post or interact much!
NISHINOYA YUU: HIIII AIGHT USE WHATEVER AND TALK TO MEEEEEEEE
Yachi: um she/they and pls don't type in all caps to me. Not a trigger i just get confused about if you're yelling at me im sorry 😭
Keishin Ukai: uhh he/him but they/them is okay too. I'm mostly here to make sure Suga wakes up in the morning but feel free to talk to me?
Akaashi: do not perceive me. do not talk to me. i have too much homework and no time. (He/him and he's a grumpy butt but he WILL interact)
Asahi: he/him. Pls don't touch my hair (feel free to ask why).
Lev Haiba!!: HELLOOOOOO. He/him or it/its. I am the dumbest of ass and i promise you i will make myself look hilariously stupid at least once
Dni
Disccourse blogs (if it's a side thats fine, syscourse doesnt count as discourse)
Endos/supporters
Are going to discourse flags (we all have varying opinions)
Pro mspec lesbians/gays
Think pronouns = gender
Are going to start ship wars (again, we all have varying opinions)
Dsmp fans/supporters/fictives. No hate to you it is just a huge trigger
If your main has politics on frequently (the blm protests/anti vaxxers/anti blm/police brutality/ anything to do with racism). If it's a side that's fine!! It is just extremely triggering for Asahi and we don't want that on our reccomended
Tagging system
The one who reblogged a post will put "[their name] beans" Example. #noya beans
We can try to tag trigger but no promises if we'll remember and pls block us if that doesn't make you feel safe!!
If someone outside of the fictives reblogs it becahse theres a haikyuu character on it it'll be tagged as "[their name] has no beans" Example. #tsukishima has no beans
If a fictive who DOESNT want to be a mod decides to post it'll be "#[their name] dropped their beans" Example. #takeda dropped his beans
Asks from our partner system will be tagged ''our loves <3"
Byf
@haikyuu-beanz is our partner system and NOT a blog like ours. Pls do not expect them to be the same as us. They are a different system.
We follow from our main and our host likes problematic content so pls let us know if we follow you and you'd like us to unfollow!!
Our body is a minor, poc and we are unlabeled due to being a system.
Most of us have different religions but irl we are a non practicing jew!! (Due to our jewish mother hating the synagogue?? Pls don't ask)
We also have a system blog shared by the whole system!! @clariens-picrews (mostly picrews of us but pls feel free to ask anything!)
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tmmyhug · 3 years
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idk if it would be worth asking but i guess i’ll shoot my shot : is it worth it staying interested in the smp even with all the criticisms and issues that are in both in and out of the fandom? it feels like whenever i try to enjoy an aspect or something any of the creators do, i can’t help but feel like people would think i agree with certain ideals that are totally harmful and should be called out for so it makes it really hard :/// idk how i should feel about it so i think i’d like to hear from someone else if that’s alright
hellooo I’m finally ready to tackle this ask, sorry it took me like three days!! short answer: yes! long answer: it’s up to you. if you’re passionate about something, you have to decide whether that outweighs whatever ‘bad’ comes with it - whether that’s having to criticize aspects of it, deal with hate, ignore certain creators, etc.
oh jesus I just wrote a five thousand character essay. anon, I am so sorry if you wanted a quick response, because that is not what this is. here we go.
first off, an important thing to keep in mind is that nothing is perfect. problematic media has always existed. everything you could possibly be interested in will have issues, and there will be people who criticize those - as they have a right to. unfortunately, there will also be people who decide anyone who likes the thing is equally as bad as the things wrong with it. the way to get around this is to curate your experience: block people and tags, find your fellow fans, sequester yourself in a safe corner of the fandom. (twitter makes this difficult, which is one reason I prefer tumblr.)
as far as your personal conscience goes? generally, if you listen to what the people affected by the issues are saying and change your behavior effectively, it’s hard to go wrong. I know that sounds like a bit of a cop-out answer, but because you’re already worried about being perceived as someone who agrees with problematic ideals, I think you’ve got a pretty good moral compass to follow :) and when you’re unsure, you reach out to other people, just like this! so good on you.
an example from my own experience is schl*tt (censored to keep out of tags). I personally don’t know much about schl*tt. I liked his acting on the smp and his character is one of my favorite villains. but because I saw hurt people - fans I trusted the judgement of and who sourced their proof - speaking out about things he’s done, I decided not to subscribe to him or watch his content. that’s my way of saying, I will enjoy what I like about this problematic thing but not actually support it. so I can still enjoy c!schl*tt without feeling guilty. your way might be different. say you love his content but don’t want to support him - it’s easy to rip videos off youtube for a quick watch or even just get an adblocker. I don’t see it as any different than pirating a disney movie.
thankfully, though, not all issues are that extreme. sometimes people just make mistakes - eg. phil’s r-slur clip. and that’s where your own judgement really comes in. personally, I don’t care that phil said the r-slur eight years ago, for a number of reasons. I’m allowed to decide that on my own, because I’m part of the group affected. if I wasn’t, though, I would still have to make a decision about whether or not to keep supporting him - and you do that by finding the people affected and listening to their opinions. it’s rarely black and white because people often feel differently about the same thing, but it’s the only way to really see whether the issue is a make-or-break for you.
of course, it’s not easy! I’m often conflicted about how I should feel about a certain creator. that’s where the community helps. track down the well known and respected fans, the people who write good essays, the blogs closely engaged with their fellow fans and who are open to conversation. see what the fandom is saying. keep an open mind and learn. it’s fine to take your time, too - I haven’t even fully made up my mind on how I feel about dream himself yet, only that nothing he’s done is bad enough to make me stop watching his content.
also, unlike many other media, dsmp is not one cohesive whole with one or two creators, so you can rarely apply a problem one creator has to the whole thing. it’s fine to enjoy certain streamers and not others and still watch the smp. and you have to learn to ignore critics - people will generalize the smp. people will mock you for it. block, report, ignore, and vibe with the rest of us. don’t cut yourself off from something that brings you joy just because there are haters. you’re the only one who knows your true ideals, and you don’t owe an explanation of them to anyone.
one more thing - none of this is mandatory. it’s a good practice to be aware of the issues of a thing if you spend a lot of your time engaged with it, but when that thing is your comfort media, discourse can also be incredibly anxiety-inducing. if you don’t want to think about it? don’t. go watch tommy fight god for the umpteenth time and ignore the fandom completely. you are not irredeemable for liking something, and no one has the right to call you out for simply enjoying content. fandom is a hobby, not an obligation to discuss societal issues. and there will always be other people writing discourse essays that you can peruse when you feel up to it - you don’t have to do any of the heavy lifting if you don’t want to.
that’s all! ahhhh this was not supposed to be so long. I know i'm kinda rambly :/ I hope it was helpful! and I wish you luck in braving fandom discourse, dear anon.
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kettlequills · 3 years
Text
affinity
unsure at this point whether elenwen would benefit more from a long course of therapy or a good dicking. luckily, neither of these are in store for her, so enjoy an elenwen who is not hinged at all plus sybille, who is having a very bad day. TW: blood drinking, cutting, violence, manipulation and threat, sexual themes, and character death. implied sybille/istlod, a lil elenwen/elisif, uhh idk if youd say this is elenwen/sybille but hm. enjoy, and gimme a shout if you think it needs an extra tag. a03
Elenwen discovers Sybille's secret, and has ... words.
The Thalmor Ambassador had come to Solitude and found an empty palace. No one else was there but Sybille, left to frustratedly amuse the Ambassador while someone hurried to fetch the steward, the Jarl, somebody. Anybody, but Sybille Stentor. Some dispute had drawn them away – some fluster in the training yard – Sybille neither knew nor cared, except that Falk was not here to ask the Ambassador why she had come to darken their door, nor even Elisif, to gracefully offer wine and bread to the sour-faced elf.
Even if it had not been months since she had last slaked her thirst in the prisons beneath Solitude, Sybille still would have had little patience for this. The Thalmor irritated her, with their poorly-hidden disdain, their smugness, their superiority. As it was, her head pounded, her throat ached, and moving around in the dim evening sunlight was painful enough that it made her vision blur red. She had begun to hear heartbeats in the chests of her friends, the Jarl she was trying to become loyal to, and each night was an exercise in self control growing monumental in difficulty.
And there was Elenwen standing with her hands behind her ramrod back, looking as if she had sniffed something foul. Her expression was so forbidding, so bleak, so threatening that Sybille immediately perceived why the weak-willed guards had found someplace else to be. For once, she was completely alone, unflanked by unsmiling justiciars.
Foolish, or another spiteful little snub. No, Elenwen had nothing to fear in the heart of the Blue Palace – as much as they might whisper into their pillows how much they hated Thalmor oversight, Thalmor gold still sweated in their palms as they tipped their toothless necks back for the glutting. Why bother with guards, when you had the helmless court of Solitude on a leash?
Oh, Istlod. How he would be ashamed, to see his court reduced to this.
“Ambassador,” Sybille ground out, hating this. She wasn’t supposed to be the one greeting dignitaries come to pander and parley. That was Falk’s job, or the Jarl’s – but Istlod was long gone, and Torygg was dead, now.
Torygg, Torygg. He’d been just a boy; Sybille remembered as if it had been yesterday his chubby hands grabbing on the front of her robes, his lisping pronunciation of “ibble!” before he’d learnt to say her name. A gangly teen, pimple-faced but trying desperately to be noble, the pride of Istlod’s eye, blushing-bold. Bare years after, before even the flower of his prime – dead, dead and cold on the cobbles. Sybille had promised Istlod to keep him safe. But she’d failed. She failed, and Torygg was dead, his murderer walking free and all that was left was … Elisif.
Elisif. A dear girl but… not Torygg. Young, foolish, easily swayed. Inexperienced. Weak, when they needed strength. When Sybille needed Torygg. She was fond enough of her but Elisif looked at her like she was drowning, always begging for advice, and when Sybille met her eyes all she saw was the moment when Torygg had heard Ulfric’s challenge ashen-faced, then turned to his bright young wife and visibly steeled himself.
Ready to die, rather than dishonour her, disappoint her.
It wasn’t Elisif’s fault that she had survived Ulfric when Torygg had not, but Sybille could not stop blaming her. Still, Sybille wished she was here now. The young Jarl was better at this, the inane courtesies, the lies, than Sybille was. Even if Sybille thought she was far friendlier to the Thalmor Ambassador than was wise.
“Court Mage,” Elenwen greeted, polite as picture. In her clipped Dominion accent, the two words sounded loathsome as a curse. Her lip curled upwards in an estimation of what she probably thought a smile was supposed to look like. It was all sneer, and like most of the Emissary's facial expressions, was tinged with pointed disgust.
She was standing rigidly in the main hall of the deserted emptiness of the Blue Palace like a stubborn brick over a fire. Choking all the air out of the room, stifling, her presence as oppressive as a lead weight. The maids had all found themselves somewhere else to be, fearing, no doubt, the Ambassador’s legendarily cutting tongue and Sybille’s own displeasure at being left to entertain. As if she did not have a thousand more pressing matters to attend to, and barely the patience besides.
Not even when she was well-fed, which she was not.
They stood in silence for a moment, Sybille warring with herself, before she grudgingly asked, “Are you in need of refreshments, Ambassador?”
Hospitality, to a pit viper. If Sybille had not been what she was, the thought would be funny. As it was, it only insulted – Solitude did not need any more secret teeth tracking the prey that would not be missed. Sybille had heard the rumours, like everyone else, of secret Thalmor dungeons, and screams from beneath the solar so loud that they could be heard over the music during the parties. The prisoners of Solitude – such as they were – were Sybille’s domain.
“No,” said Elenwen, a pinch too swiftly, as if the very idea was nauseating, “And yourself, Court Mage?”
Sybille's control of her face was not so slight that she blinked, but she was aware of a tightening around the skin of her knuckles. The words, the consideration, were so odd in Elenwen’s cold, autocratic tones that at first she was certain she had misheard.
“I fail to see how that is any concern of yours,” Sybille said rudely, and suddenly, Elenwen changed.
She turned fluidly towards Sybille and prowled closer, the stiffness as if she was daring not to breathe for fear of inhaling foul scent gone. Her sneer vanished, smoothed into a smile, wide and full, completely genuine, utterly threatening. Her eyes glittered flatly, like mirrors. Her movements were slow and slinking. Gone were the sharp clicks of her boots, muffled by some trick of her step that left her silent as a panther.
Sybille was left feeling like the world had suddenly shifted to the left and left her behind, as dizzy as if a rug had been pulled out from underneath her. A moment ago, the Thalmor Ambassador had stood in front of her, haughty as ever, unbending with her stiff Altmeri pride – but this hungry, prowling creature was not her.
Her teeth sharpened in her mouth at the implicit threat that rolled off Elenwen, at her approaching closeness, the blood Sybille could sense flushing the capillaries under her skin, pounding through the chambers of her cold Altmeri heart. At once, Sybille was immensely aware that there was no one to observe them; no one at all.
And it had been weeks, weeks since Sybille had drunk her fill.
“How quickly these mortal children wane compared to the lifetime of an elf,” Elenwen murmured. Her voice was throaty and rich, the sharpness of the consonants blurred by a coastal accent that Sybille swore she had not had before. “How we see them pass us and consign the summers of our childhoods to the distant realm of myth and mystery as they bloom and fade in the blink of an eye. Truly, I am impressed at how faithfully you served the late Jarl Torygg, like you served his father Istlod before him. Tell me, how many of them have ... failed to see?"
Elenwen's horrible smile stretched wider.
"But I see, Court Mage.”
“I am perfectly well-appreciated within my position, Ambassador,” Sybille said coldly.
She was beginning to feel somewhat uncomfortable. There was no possible way that Elenwen knew her secret, but the damn elf seemed far too smug for Sybille’s liking. She hated these types, the twisted double-talk that meant something else entirely. Was she attempting to recruit Sybille to the Thalmor? She had to know that Sybille would never have agreed to that, for Istlod’s sake, who had been miserable at the news of the Concordat, if nothing else. Now, if only they were somewhere a little more secluded, then Sybille could teach her some proper manners –
Except no, she couldn’t, that was the Thalmor Ambassador. People would notice if she visited the Solitude dungeons and came back with marks on her neck and a hunger to be bitten, drained deep, pliant in the arms of a predator, better attitude notwithstanding. And Sybille couldn’t kill her. Not without reprisal.
Istlod would have wanted Sybille to kill Elenwen. Except – no, he had agreed to the peace too. Her fangs pressed insistently, dully, on her tongue.
Elenwen’s smile widened. Sybille saw every one of her straight teeth. Too white, too even, lined up like regiment soldiers or grave-markers for war-dead. Some of them were fake, she was willing to bet. This wide, the makeup caking her cheeks folded around her smile unflatteringly, the thick foundation hazed with cracks. Fake, fake, but the blood that ran under her skin was real.
Sybille could force her to bleed, force her to feel spark-bright pain, force her to reveal the truth under her teeth, her claws, her little boot knife. Even an ice-spike would do, chill that golden flesh high and taut until it pebbled with goosebumps and she was shivery and damp, and the heat of her blood spilling over her chest made her gasp at the shock of warmth.
That would make her speak straight and true, if nothing else would.
“It has been a dry spell in the prisons, hasn’t it?” Elenwen purred, soft, sympathetic, as if she was commiserating over something truly terrible, “My condolences, truly, you have been much more patient than I would. But tell me, have any of your beloved young humans noticed you have not aged a day?”
“Many humans are not aware of the life spans of an elf,” she said, to hide the fluttering of something that was beginning to feel like panic or fury. “I am Dunmer, a few decades are no great time to me.”
“Could you go decades, I wonder?” Elenwen’s smile dropped, but the look that replaced it was worse, coquettish, sly. She contrived some way of looking up at Sybille through her eyelashes painted and curled with oil despite her taller height and took a falsely-nervous step closer, all awkward shoulders and sliding foot, just as if she was a wheedling young lover begging her first kiss. But her eyes danced brightly, privately, as if this entire interaction was nothing but a game they were playing, just the two of them. “I rather think you’re hungry now.”
“I ate this morning,” Sybille lied flatly, “with the rest of the hall.”
“Tch,” said Elenwen, as if Sybille had missed a step, and belatedly, Sybille realised it would not be any hardship for a spy group as developed as the Thalmor to verify that lie, “Are you sure, Court Mage? We could test it, if you like. How much of you would be left, after decades? It’s been such a short time, and yet, I can see it in how you look at me.” She came closer, thrilled and faux-breathless. "You are hungry."
“I am quite sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sybille bluffed, but she knew she had lost. Whatever game the Ambassador was playing, Sybille did not know the dance. She glanced haphazardly around the room, but they were truly alone. She could not hear so much as a scuffing slipper or clank of mail.
“Two months, three, since you last drank blood,” Elenwen clarified, so there was no possibility at all of pretending that she did not know, and smiled, smiled, smiled wide at the look of horror on Sybille’s face. Ice poured down Sybille’s spine. The floor dropped out from underneath her. No, no no, the Thalmor could not know.
“Were you fucking his father?” Elenwen asked conversationally, in the silence that fell, “Torygg’s, I mean.”
“I don’t… That is a serious accusation, Ambassador!” Sybille hissed, ignoring her, unable to name the feeling that started icy in her fingertips and spread dully and low up into her breastbone until she ached the whole way through. Her stomach knotted and writhed.
“Aren’t you thirsty, Sybille Stentor?”
Elenwen was so close now. So close that Sybille had to step back, her tall shadow casting her in gloom. Her eyes were half-moons behind the sun, and the light gilded her blonde hair like it was strands of gold. A strand drifted out of its aggressive pinning as Elenwen bent forward, swaying into Sybille like she was magnetised, and tickled there along her artificially-blushed cheek. Sybille could smell the powders, the hotness of her skin trapped beneath it. She had bleached with lemon oil recently, a faint scent clung to her, almost drowned by the floral drench of cosmetics.
“I don’t have time for this nonsense,” Sybille snapped, mouth dry as bone, and Elenwen laughed. It was full and unrestrained, a laugh from the stomach, and nothing at all like the stiff, courteous little smirks she gave as ambassador. It rang, rich and loud, through the entire hall, down the stairs and over the thrones, and Sybille heard it with a sinking feeling of a lock snapping shut.
Elenwen would never have laughed so loudly, so out of her stiff Ambassador performance, if she thought it was possible she could be overheard. Would she? Was this a bluff?
Sybille’s gaze darted again to the dark eyes of the doorways, but the palace seemed empty. Were there Thalmor in the wings? Elisif. Was the Jarl safe? She should be – though had not Sybille sent a servant to fetch the Jarl, the steward? Was Elenwen planning to unmask her before the court?
“Come on now,” said Elenwen, warmly, her smile conspiratorial like they shared a secret, just her and Sybille, “We’re all alone now, and I’m right here. Why don’t you bite me? Look,” She undid the first two buttons of her uniform, exposing a long line of pale gold throat. “I’ll make it easy. Do you like it easy?”
“Are you insane?!” Sybille snapped. There was no other possible response to that.
Nonetheless, her eyes were drawn to the expanse of bared skin, the delicate lines of the veins and tendons in Elenwen’s neck. She could see the forklike line of her jugular, the thinner softnesses of her veins. Vulnerable. The skin here had not been painted and powdered, hidden as it normally was under her collar. It was paler, yellower, like Elenwen did not get enough sun. Sybille wondered how she bruised. Whether she would paint over the bruises Sybille would leave her, when she woke in the morning, and wondered how she had struck her neck in the night.
Sybille swallowed around a mouth pooling with spit. It had been too long.
She could see the hollow where Elenwen’s pulse fluttered, waiting for Sybille to sink her teeth home. What would she taste like? Could anyone truly blame her, if she took just a little taste, just the tiniest mouthful, to sate her burning throat?
Surely, if she was doomed already, it would not hurt.
“Bite me,” ordered Elenwen, steely. Softer, she said, “Bite me, Sybille Stentor. You must be so thirsty. Doesn’t it feel like flames in your throat?”
It did, it felt like each inhale peeled dry chunks of her throat off with all the gentleness of searing sandpaper. Elenwen was so close now that Sybille could lift her chin and kiss her, close enough that her breath, warm, alive, smelling vaguely of summer-wine, brushed Sybille’s cold cheeks. Elenwen’s warmth was like another creature between them, the impossibility of Sybille being the dead one, with Elenwen’s eyes like a mirror to every fear Sybille had ever banished.
“You must have confused me with someone else,” Sybille said faintly as Elenwen stepped even closer. Their bodies brushed, her breath fanned hotly over Sybille’s forehead.
Elenwen hummed a little, disappointed. “Perhaps,” she said, and suddenly there was a dagger in her hand, so quick even Sybille’s vampiric eyes could not spot it. Just as fast, the dagger flashed, once, twice – and then the heavenly aroma of fresh blood reached Sybille’s nose. On Elenwen’s neck, either side of her tendons, two deep slices welled fresh red, deep, deep enough that after the first droplet rolled enticingly towards her collarbones another followed.
Sybille swallowed. She could smell it, thick as perfume, tantalising as an oasis in the desert. Elenwen’s blood was fresh, healthy, and right there. It was bright red, scandalously scarlet, against the warm gold of her throat, like a slash of silk. The candlelight from Sybille’s little alcove shone and shimmered in the droplet like the magicka in it sparked and sung, for Sybille alone. Begging her, almost, to lean forward – barely any movement at all, to chase the droplet with her tongue, lap up along that proud, stiff neck to the wet gash that fluttered like breathless lips waiting to be kissed.
How fast was Elenwen’s heart beating, to push such quick, steady little pulses down her neck? The collar of her robes was darkening to a liquid blackness, but Elenwen did not seem faint at all. Would she be strong til the end, Sybille wondered, would her heart hammer and struggle against her lips, her hands, her body and Sybille’s mouth? Would she pant and gasp and writhe, or would she fall still and silent, terror-glazed eyes and frozen muscles, or best of all, would she struggle and strain, drum weakening hands against the firm cage of Sybille’s arms?
“It’s a bad time to be a vampire in Solitude, isn’t it?” Elenwen asked, friendly, almost sweet, “With all that terrible news about undead stirring in the catacombs. A death sentence for you if anyone should find out, I expect.”
Sybille opened her mouth but her fangs were beginning to protrude, and venom ran eagerly down her chin. Elenwen’s gaze tracked the wetness in her mouth, and her voice dropped an octave when she spoke again.
“But I’m right here, and I’m offering,” said Elenwen, soft as a spider, warm as the blood Sybille could not tear her eyes from. “I could do so much for you if you enthralled me. All the power of the Thalmor at your fingertips…”
She chuckled, darkly. This close, Sybille felt it vibrate through her chest into Sybille’s own. The movement of her shoulders had a droplet of blood, teetering on the steep ridge of her tendon, tumble headlong into the sleek curve of the dip where her collarbones joined her neck. The swipe of red glistened wetly.
“… and I have so many more little puppets dancing for me than you could ever guess, Sybille Stentor. You would never have to fear being found again. All it would take is… a taste. Bite me.”
Pressing her shoulders back against the wall, Sybille turned her head away stubbornly. The stone was cold through her robes. Elenwen’s warmth was dizzying by contrast. Sybille was hot with bloodlust, had never wanted so badly. She was aware, as if it was happening to someone else, that she was trembling.
Involuntarily, she considered Elenwen’s offer. Imagined stepping forward, grasping the elf’s thin waist, following the trail of blood with her tongue. Licking up that taunting trail over the rigid line of her tendon, sucking hard and strong on the slash she’d cut into her own neck, the bones of Elenwen’s hips fine as glass under her grip. Imagined how Elenwen would go moaning-soft and boneless as butter in her arms, her long ears brushing over Sybille’s hood as her head drooped. How Sybille would have to catch her when her knees buckled, the reflexive way she would go to push Sybille away turned to a trembling grasp, rigid at first by the pain, then softened by the venom, how her brilliant, hard blazing eyes would go soft, dark, round with venom and bloodloss euphoria, when Sybille imposed her will over her, how Sybille would drink, and drink, and drink-
But no – it was broad daylight in the middle of the fucking Blue Palace, there was no way that Sybille could drain Elenwen or thrall her quick enough to avoid discovery, and that was only if Elenwen didn’t have some other plan. There was no way that Sybille would go along with some Thalmor plot out of – hunger, hunger alone.
What would Istlod say?
Elenwen pressed close until she was crowding Sybille against the wall. Her body was thin and bony, the buckles of her uniform dug into Sybille’s breastbone. Her lips brushed the tip of Sybille’s ear through her hood when she spoke. This close, the smell of blood was intoxicating.
But Sybille was not strong enough to push her away.
“Drink,” Elenwen cajoled. “It’s been so long since you last had a prisoner, hasn’t it? …Such unfortunate accidents.”
Sybille heard the shift of cloth, that and outrage had her turning her head back to glare at Elenwen, but she was too close, and instead Sybille’s nose butted against her smooth cheek. Her skin was searing hot, a fine dust from her makeup tickled Sybille’s nose. Sybille felt Elenwen’s repressed shiver at the chilly brush of Sybille’s dead skin against hers in the pit of her stomach. “You-?”
“Me,” Elenwen confirmed, smile widening in Sybille’s peripheral vision.
Sybille was transfixed as Elenwen lifted her finger to the bleeding wound on her neck and shoved her finger in, stark, bold, crass. Her smile never wavered at all at the pain. Her bright, bright eyes were focused on Sybille. The part of Sybille that had been mortal once was horrified at her disregard, the part of her that thirsted so badly for blood it barely cared anymore found it unbearably erotic.
She behaved like a venom-drunk thrall, but she smelled rich and fresh, unbitten, untainted. Did she feel no pain, or did she not care? … Did she like it?
The deepened wound gushed redly down her neck, and Elenwen leaned even closer, until the warmth of her body pressed Sybille’s cold one through their robes, like she wanted to become one with her bones, buckles and all. She was thin, thinner than Sybille had expected her to be; she could feel the ridges of Elenwen’s ribs, her small breasts, the cavernous flutter of her stomach.
Elenwen’s finger, glistening with her own blood, raised towards Sybille’s watering mouth.
There was nowhere to go. She turned her head, straining, but Elenwen chased her, cornered her, and Sybille’s mouth parted involuntarily to stop it from painting her lips red. If she tasted the blood – even a droplet – Sybille knew she couldn’t hold back. She choked out a little moan when Elenwen let her finger rest there inside Sybille’s mouth without touching her at all, breathing in the scent of her, so strong, so present. Slender and long, she could have tickled the back of Sybille’s throat if she chose, made her cough and gag and choke, but she did not, instead she teased, not touching, not tasting, forcing Sybille to breathe around the inescapable allure of her.
“I must confess a little professional curiosity,” Elenwen told her, intimate as a lover’s whisper, “I’ve never met a vampire before, and I’ve always wondered how it compares. The blood of Alinor’s finest surely ought to taste better than the swill in the dungeons, though personally, I can’t say I’ve ever tasted much of a difference – Nord, Altmer, Dunmer, we’re all good in wine.” She smirked a little at that. “Won’t you taste, for me?”
The saliva pooled down around Sybille’s fangs and over her chin. She closed her eyes in humiliation.
Elenwen tutted. “I suppose not. Perhaps this will help.” She drew closer, closer, nudging under Sybille’s hood, until her breath puffed over Sybille’s ear, waking long dead nerves with a shiver. Her free hand bracketed the wall above Sybille’s head, then stroked down over the back of her neck and seized the base of her skull. Her fingers knotted into the hair there, each one hot as a brand.
Sybille forced her tongue against her teeth, trying to ground herself through the strain in her jaw. Elenwen’s blooded finger in her mouth was a burning beacon, commanding attention. Spit and venom drooled continuously down her chin. Elenwen’s thready heartbeat – affected, now, by the bloodloss – pounded underneath Sybille’s ribs like a call to war.
“I killed Torygg,” Elenwen breathed into Sybille’s ear. “I told Ulfric to kill him. I broke his mind and I told him to murder poor King Torygg. I was told he squealed like a stuck pig when Ulfric knocked him down, broke his darling bones with one of those beastly shouts of his. Did you hear them break? There’s a certain sound a bone makes when it shatters beyond repair, and the look in a plaything’s eyes, when they realise they are only breakable meat – well, you don’t need me telling you how sweet that is. … I envy you. I wish I could have seen it.”
Elenwen’s gory detail was not needed. That day was burned into Sybille’s memory, the dull wet pops, the snaps and cracks of Torygg’s bones, the horrible thud and the wail he’d made in the thunderous after-shocks of that terrible Shout, the bitter venom in Sybille’s mouth when Ulfric contemptuously cut his head from what remained of his shoulders with one swipe. Ruby-red, it spurted from the messy stump, it had puddled in the grooves of the courtyard’s cobbles, and weeks after rust-red flecks were found, splattering shoes and hems. Torygg had contained so much blood in him, so much of Istlod, and his iron scent was seared into her nose, her mind, mixing with the tantalising barely-there taste of Elenwen in her mouth.
Sybille gurgled on a gasp. She closed her eyes harder, overwrought, fighting to restrain the tears that welled there. That broke through the blood-haze. She’d known. She’d known it had been too simple, that it hadn’t made sense. But – the Thalmor, killing Torygg? Manipulating Stormcloak?
Elenwen moaned at something on Sybille’s face, tearing her concentration. The vibration stirred Sybille’s chest, the quiver of her ear, and Elenwen’s hips ground against hers in subtle, excited circles. It was vile. It was seductive. Sybille had never wanted to break more than she did now. She deserved to die. Wouldn’t it be worth it? Grief, sick desire, warred with prudence. But – this was what she wanted, Sybille fought to remember, the Ambassador was trying to manipulate Sybille to – to –
She was so thirsty.
Sybille’s teary glare did not seem to faze Elenwen at all. This close, she could see the breaks in the makeup that covered Elenwen’s skin, the artificial wrinkles that made her look older than she truly was. Everything fake, a performance. She made a negative sound around the venom bubbling out of her mouth, and Elenwen smiled. It was not a nice smile.
“And I think I might fuck that idiot doll you’ve got on the throne, too,” Elenwen whispered, and Sybille’s jaw muscle jumped. Her catlike eyes warmed with glee. “Oh, I know you were warning her off my little parties. Came back in too much of a state once, did she? The funny thing is that she approaches me – you should be thanking me, really, all that whining about her poor husband, but she cheers right up if you get a little summerwine into her, turns right into quite the … bold … little … slut.”
That last word was delivered in a hiss, lips brushing Sybille’s ear, and at once, she couldn’t take it any longer. She jerked to snarl back, and Elenwen’s bloodied finger rubbed the soft wetness of the inside of Sybille’s mouth. The rich taste of fresh blood overwhelmed her, blanked her mind. Sybille sucked reflexively, and Elenwen’s breath stuttered in her chest. She threw back her head, exposing her bloody neck, and ground hungrily into Sybille.
“Does your doll like knives?” Elenwen panted. “I do.”
Then, she laughed, delighted and breathless, as Sybille’s hands left the wall and found themselves somehow on Elenwen’s back, pressing her close, wrinkling her robes beneath clenched fists. She bit the flesh between her teeth, dazed, searching tongue prodding for all the blood she could smell but not taste. Her own venom burned her throat when she swallowed.
“Oh, though I suppose it doesn’t matter,” Elenwen continued, tugging her finger free, “She will learn to, if I want her.”
Her body tensed as if she meant to move back, but Sybille shot forward faster than lightning with a bloodcurdling snarl. She seized Elenwen’s hair and waist in a vicious grip, bringing her face close to the dripping wounds. The blood, hot and wet, the revenge, the wanting. At last, Sybille dared a tentative lick, a long, sure line up Elenwen’s neck, chasing the path of the bleeding. She tasted like magic, sun, knives, sharp and a little acrid. Intoxicating. Sybille smoothed over the wetness of the open wound, and she hesitated there, damnation at her lips.
A man’s face was before her eyes, fuzzy Nord-beard, mournful wrinkle-sagged stare. …Istlod?
Elenwen did not fight her at all, though Sybille felt the prick of her dagger against her ribs, a second from slipping into her heart, even as she whimpered at the tightness of Sybille’s grip on her fine hair. It was soft, thin as insect-wings over Sybille’s fist. Elenwen’s body hummed with tension like a live-wire, she breathed in gasps, and she trembled faintly with an unbearable want that Sybille could feel straining to pierce the skin, meet its echo in the parched emptiness of Sybille’s bloodless gut. But her knife tickled at Sybille’s robes, warning and promise both.
“Go on,” Elenwen goaded, her voice strained, a little breathy, cracked with desperation, “Hurt me. You must want to. I killed him, I starved you. Hurt me.”
Could she drain Elenwen before Elenwen stabbed her? There was some reason why Sybille could not drink, she knew that, but all thought deserted her every time she breathed, every time she couldn’t help herself and licked the welling blood before it reached Elenwen’s collar, tracing the topography of her willing throat. Elenwen made sounds, beautiful and ragged, when Sybille lapped at her with her cold tongue, shivered in her arms, all eager sighs and clutching hands and poised knives. But still, Sybille did not affix her mouth over the pumping vein and drain, drain, drain her dry.
“Just-!” Elenwen bit out, “What’s wrong with you? Just – do it…”
Sybille strained against her desires. A battleground between her self-control, the mind of the mage who had served loyally for years, and the hungry animal that howled for blood. Istlod. Torygg. The sweetness of the elfsblood – sunlight and sweat, blade-tip lick – in her mouth. The iron reek of Torygg splattering over the cobbles. Elenwen’s gasps, overlaid with the symphony of Torygg’s body breaking, shattering, pulping under the force of Ulfric’s rage. The world had quaked then, now it whimpered in Sybille’s arms, immobilised by her grip. Istlod at peace on his bed, still smiling his last smile. Torygg’s tears. Elisif wailing, when the sword came down. The war-prisoners in the dungeon, hollow-eyed men whose blood tasted of death and despair. The Thalmor’s snake-whisper, hurt me.
Sybille felt Elenwen’s ear twitch against her hand. A moment later, footsteps rushing towards them.
“Out of time, vampire,” Elenwen cooed, almost a disappointed sigh, and when she pulled back this time Sybille felt her numb fingers release her.
She swallowed, copiously, trying to empty her mouth of spit, and burned hotly with indignation.
“You dare,” Sybille rasped, but Elenwen only quirked her lips, apathetic to Sybille’s fury.
A flash of light and the marks were gone, eaten by healing magic. The dagger disappeared into the folds of her robes, the buttons done up, the stray hair smoothed back into its severe imprisonment. She stood an easy few paces away, as if she had never dared to come so close to a starved vampire, a vampire she had starved. It took moments, and through it all Elenwen’s expression was bored, not a hint of fluster, not even a breath of that wretched amusement or nauseating intrigue.
“I’ll send a prisoner or two your way,” Elenwen promised in a flat voice, plucking at the neckline of her robe. “Do think of me when you drink them, won’t you?”
She drew herself up, and suddenly the Ambassador was back, rigid and stern.
“The Thalmor appreciates your cooperation in this matter, Court Mage,” she said sniffily, the accent disappearing as if it had never been there in exchange for the ringing, cold tones Sybille was used to from her. Pinched about her eyes there was nothing but vague disdain, as if she knew nothing about Sybille, as if she had never clung to Sybille and all-but-pleaded to her, and in fact, considered her just as interesting as a cockroach beneath her heel.
She turned away when Falk rushed out of the bowels of the Blue Palace and greeted her with a flurry of apologies. There was not a wrinkle on her uniform. Her heels clicked loudly on the marble as she followed Falk, reverberating into Sybille’s ears, as if she was the only sound.
Sybille sagged against the wall, and cursed Elenwen in every tongue she knew. Sybille considered herself good at reading people, had thought herself safe, well-protected here at the heart of the court. But the damned Thalmor had her over a barrel. She had no doubt these prisoners of Elenwen’s would be nothing but good men and women who had simply fallen on the wrong side of the Dominion, and Sybille nothing more than a convenient way of disposing of them. She could not see a way out of this trap easily – Elenwen could expose her with a word, had proven her control over Sybille’s food source, had threatened the last dregs of the family Sybille had loved.
Sybille needed blood from those who wouldn’t be missed, needed secrecy, needed to be in court even more than ever to protect Elisif and Solitude now she had glimpsed the danger Elenwen posed: the disdainful Ambassador, the eager prey, the gloating predator, glossed in her makeup to falsely age herself, in her uniform that hid her thinness, with her secrets and her contradictory masks. And yet, the most troubling of all was that Sybille could not tell which of the sides of Elenwen she had seen was the truth, and which was the lie.
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homosociallyyours · 3 years
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Your last post about the ideal stunt girlfriend! I have some thoughts on this as well. I think first of all as you said the preference is that they just do not exist that is essentially why anything and everything they do seems to be picked apart. I am not sure what it is that someone can do then if their existence is the problem. (This is only in context of the 1D fandom because I have no idea how stunt girlfriend might be treated elsewhere). The blame for the closeting is placed entirely on the shoulders of the stunt girlfriend as if she is the one forcing a closeting whereas we do not know anything going on behind the scenes. (Just want to add that there is nothing wrong with someone choosing to be closeted in order to navigate a homophobic industry and world and to protect oneself.) I know the common story told about larry is that external people are forcing things upon them or are sabotaging them and there may well have been times where they were advised strongly (or manipulated and mistreated when they were younger by those who should have tried to help them in the industry) to stay in the closet but that does not mean that they do not have any agency at all for anything especially not in the present day. Perhaps in an ideal world they may choose to disclose their sexuality and their relationship (but even if they did not they do not owe that to anyone. Anyways the problem is heteronormativity and assuming people are straight by default). I do personally believe that both Louis and Harry want to at least be recognized as part of the LBTQA community for as long as they do not state things publicly (and also show that they are together to those that recognize it. I am a larrie so that is my belief lol) and possibly do want to come out at some point (both about their individual sexualities and their relationship) but until then they do have to perform heterosexuality for many numbers of reasons. And while they do that there is a need for a stunt girlfriend whether as PR or just for the purpose of appearing straight depending on their career needs. I know people who will speak out against attacks on Olivia might still have issues with Eleanor because one is PR and one is not (this is a simplified version of the reasons and I don't want to go into comparisons or reasonings people have for anything. At the end of the day neither attacks is justified to me.)
Okay this is already quite long and I haven't yet got to the point sorry about that. I think at the end of the day the purpose of the stunt girlfriend (when there is no PR involved) is to help maintain the closet until the closet is required. It doesn't matter who the person is tbh. If it were not Eleanor it would have been someone else so people who say things about Eleanor's personality, looks, character, mistakes she may have made do not make sense to me. None of these people know her yet they have made their own head canon version of her which is always a negative version. It would be the same no matter who was in her place. I think Louis' purpose for Eleanor specifically has to do with the story he wants to tell with his music and in interviews (a story that could possibly be most similar to his actual relationship perhaps even if not entirely the same) and I do believe Eleanor specifically helps tell it (as his longest public relationship). It allows him to mention a girlfriend that has "helped him" through tough times and give anecdotes about his "girlfriend". I think Eleanor probably does other things behind the scenes like a personal assistant as well we just do not see it. But the Eleanor we do see is the image that we are shown, the image that tells the story that Louis wants told. And that story in itself is so interesting and to me just confirms things that I believe about his actual relationship. So its more intriguing to me than something to stress over or look at negatively. I don't know Eleanor but what I know is this is her job and she will do it. It is work and I don't know why it has been villainized. I understand being frustrated by the situation and feeling like Louis (and Harry) may have not been happy through stunts in the past (potentially) but that does not translate to hating the stunt girlfriend. Disliking a situation you are in does not mean you dislike everyone who is part of it. But yeah anyways the end point is I do not see any situation in which people would be happy with a stunt girlfriend.
It doesn't matter which song she posts there will always be some criticism over it. It doesn't matter if she just posts herself with dogs or doing influencing there will be a problem. It doesn't matter whether she posts about Louis or not there will be criticism in either case. Lastly it doesn't matter if she talks with Louis' sisters or not either way there will be arguments that they are not on good terms. So I am not quite sure what it is that an ideal stunt girlfriend can do for fans. I don't see any situation where people who have already decided to have a problem just based on the concept of her being a stunt girlfriend will suddenly stop. But talking about these things might help at least some people understand the bias? I just think the best approach is that she keep doing what she feels is best according to the story that she has to tell and ignore the criticism (which can be tough I know because of the immense amount of hate you can get for it). I think if I were to find and guide someone my focus would be on guiding them on how to navigate the hate and I guess general tips based on the story that needs telling. And I think when it comes to finding someone it is probably a mix of finding someone who would look like what the ideal image of a girlfriend to a popstar should look like (which has its own problems and really we need to reevaluate standards of deciding these things) and also someone who can do the other behind the scenes work too?
Idk I have done a lot of rambling (and still probably haven't got all my thoughts down lol) but it was definitely an interesting post that led to some thoughts I felt like discussing. I hope you do not mind my sending an anon with all these thoughts. You do not have to post it if you are afraid of the reaction and can instead reply in tags?
I just want to end with agreeing with what you said about considering bearding to be like sex work. And also thankyou for your post.
hi nonny! thank you for your long and thoughtful response :) i hope you don't mind that i'm publishing it-- i think you made some good points and i appreciate that you really tried to answer the question of who to pick and what to guide them to do. image would definitely be key, as would an internet presence of some kind. i imagine celeb pairings would mean more frequent but less involved appearances while a famous/not famous pair would be able to get away with fewer public spottings but maybe more in depth/intimate scenarios.
and i really think there's just no way to please everyone, but you're right that the blame for closeting seems to fall on the shoulders of the woman who's bearding. :/// that often goes hand in hand with the narrative that they're (still) being forcibly closeted instead of looking at the very real history of ex-boybanders and performers who came out, which is relatively bleak/unsuccessful and making a decision to try to gain more credibility as solo artists.
meanwhile i share your perception that they want to be seen/read as LGBTQ+ by those of us who are part of that community. signalling is real, and it's not based on stereotypes like "oh he wore makeup! he has a limp wrist!" i mean as a queer femme from the south, when i go home i tone myself down quite a lot, but i still wear/use symbols that other queer people are more likely to notice, tell stories about myself that indirectly mention my gender and sexuality, and engage with queer history when possible in ways that straight people just. wouldn't perceive.
but of course you can do all of that and STILL want or need to be in the closet!
i really appreciate you responding to my question, even though i think you're right that there's no answer that would make the hatred these women get any less virulent. i do hope that, like you said, talking about it is at least useful in getting more people to realize that maybe it's undeserved? beards don't build the closets, they just stand there to make sure nobody walks in on the person they're working with while they're half naked, basically.
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doctorofmagic · 3 years
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@aeris-the-sailor​ said:
AAAH OH MY STARS!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!!! And the fact that you took all those hours searching that last one issue by issue is greatly appreciated!!!
Truthfully, after someone said that people with mutism can’t be written, it got personal, which is partly why I’ve been so passionate to get the application as perfect as I can get it—citations and everything. I’ve been working on it non-stop for a week straight now, and I feel so lifeless and drained out :’) but there’s something about seeing someone else put a lot of effort into the character too that makes me feel valid and life-full again!!
So, sincerely, thank you. Thank you for the time you took to reply to my question. You didn’t need to put all the effort, but you did, and I appreciate it to the moon and back! You’re really great! :D I hope you have a splendiferous rest of the day/night <3
It’s always a pleasure and a personal hobby of mine, so it’s all fine ^-^ Thank you for sharing your reasons for rpging cloakie. If you need more info about the item, don’t hesitate to hit my inbox again! And please, take care! Comics can be draining, especially when it comes to research! Stay safe and have a marvelous day!
@the-enterprising-bookworm​ said:
I relate to Stephen falling in love too easily when someone attractive is kind and open with him 😅 pls don't let him end up hurt again...
GOOD LORD HE LOOKS STUNNING! The stray wavy locks over his forehead in the first panel I can't 😭 and Carol looks gorgeous as well
I relate to the fact that “we shouldn’t get too involved” and then “ok 🤡”. You’re not alone aishdaodhohoad and yes????????????? Jacobo’s Stephen is my new favorite Stephen of all times. I spent years trying to figure out which face fit him best. He did it. I’m so aaaaaaa in love with his art. It’s not even fair.
@wavy-arms​ said:
It's such a rollercoaster! There is so much drama. He deserve to be happy, but this thing with Carol...? I love it so much, but it's doomed! I know it in my heart. 😭
They won’t allow our boi to be happy... *sobs*
@circusofmagik​ said:
I have the same impression. I thought Carol was going back to Rhodees and what happened with Stephen was a one night thing. But now, my dear Stephen looks so happy, so cute, so perfect....for getting his heart broken again. I won't be able to see him suffer again . What is it with writers who don't want to see him in love? Or will Carol stay with Stephen? But I see it unlikely because of her strong connection to Rhodees. AAAAAAAAAA I don't know, I just want to give him a hug
Let’s all get together and give him a very comfy hug because he deserves the world (I’m not crying, you are!!!)
@writingismydivision​ said:
I- this is so bad for Stephen. Can they just let him be happy?
Apparently not?????????????????????????? I’m ready to riot. We ride at dawn.
@danversmaximoff (can’t tag you, sorry) said:
I know more of Stephen's characterization through the mcu, as I am admittedly reading this as a Carol fan. I knew he's had romance before, namely Clea. But I didn't expect him to be so... tender? Idk if that's the right word but your analysis of him is spot on and I came to your blog after I read it! I agree that it seems like he's already in love,  but I can't help but feel like it'll end with him hurt. Did you think his justification for not teaching her magic was justified
Hi, there! Well, since I’m a Stephen hardcore stan, I’ll try my best to summarize all this angst in a few words (and fail, watch me).
You’re absolutely right. He’s still in love with Clea (in canon, btw) and could never forgive himself for pushing her away. It’s complicated, canon has some divergences but if you’re interested, I can offer some links about them. He has always been tender and gentle, especially when he’s hopelessly in love. This is why I hate his 2012 personification in which he is portrayed as a dog. Old school!Stephen is all about kindness and passion. Love is a very important trait for his whole characterization. He has flaws, of course. And still, he’s one of the most lovely male characters in Marvel. And I do not take it lightly because it’s true!
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He’s also very sensitive because of magic but full of insecurities and fears, which makes him a very lonely person who constantly struggles with guilt and pain.
Since Clea left, he never really found someone to take her place. He keeps failing and failing. So when Carol showed up and offered some kind words, of course he desperately tried to hold onto her. The more he lives alone in the Sanctum (and he’s truly alone in current days because both Wong and Zelma left him), the more he sinks into his own intrusive thoughts. Carol was the first light he saw, even though he knows he’s not supposed to grow feelings for her.
And about magic? It’s really complicated. Magic has a cost. The moment you open your third eye, there’s no turning back. You’ll perceive the world differently. You’ll be forever connected to the fluid energy that binds mystic beings all together. It’s a burden. So it’s only natural that Stephen doesn’t want to teach her magic. It’s not an easy task. It demands sacrifice and compromising. Stephen only taught people who was touched by magic before (i.e., Magik, Doom, Voodoo). When he decided to open Zelma’s third eye without her consent in order to save her life, Wong was completely against it because he would sentence her to a very harshy life.
It seems that Kelly preferred to portray him as a patronizing sorcerer instead of someone who’s worried about the implications behind magic. But I strongly believe that magic is indeed something quite dangerous. This is why there are so few sorcerers in the Marvel Universe. In that sense, yes, I believe it was justified.
Overall, I think he’s already hurting. And it really breaks my heart because, as we’ve seen, he’s very kind and gentle. He deserves better :(
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