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princepipper · 2 months

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So Gabe and Pip didn't kiss until they started dating, but what sort of things did they do that might have clued them in on liking each other? They were friends for a long time, surely something must have changed along the line that made them realize they had stronger feelings. 😉

AH... yeah they had their first kiss at some point after they got together ✨officially✨ which probably would mean like, 2-3 years into dating at least since it took forever for them to even process that they were a couple lol.

I guess what you're asking is, did they flirt or anything, or maybe more how they knew they wanted to date? l have a fic lined up for the story of how they started going out, and it's already roughly written, hehe.

But, if you want some thoughts, I can give 'em. Here...

I guess to make it easier I'll split things up between Pipper and Gabe.

For Pip:

moving to Thornville as a kid meant leaving behind any friends and relatives (other than her mom ofc) back in Canada, and so she literally knew nothing/no one and was very anxious because of it!

so when her and Gabe started to befriend each other, the combination of him being similar to her with interests and such as well as offering some relief since she now KNEW someone other than her mom was huge when it comes to her overall attachment to Gabriel

I've said it before, but her and Gabe just clicked, in a way that was unique since Gabe's not exactly the most approachable guy

So stemming from her attachment, Pip developed very strong feelings toward Gabe, nothing more than platonic affection at first. She always wanted to hang out, talk to him, listen and support him, and she was (and is) FIERCELY protective of him from bullies and rude people

But as for anything like a crush on Gabe... that likely would not have developed until she was a little older, maybe about 15? And even then at first she wouldn't recognize it as a crush, she wouldn't understand why all of a sudden she feels a fluttering in her stomach sometimes when he's with her, or why she feels stressed or anxious if he's showing excessive interest in someone else (idk if he ever would do that, but even as minor as his brief "relationship" that was with bitter lmao. gabe's like "i have a boyfriend!" and pip is just like "😦 ...really? cool😭")

and by the time she's 17 she understands it completely but also is NOT giving away her feelings, she hides it because she's too worried that gabe will be grossed out or something and it will ruin their friendship

this plays out in the fic i have planned about how they start dating. poor pip just wasn't ready to confess at all haha

Meanwhile, for Gabe:

Gabe's a little different than Pip, which shouldn't come as a big shock since he struggles to process his feelings normally

When he first meets Pip as a kid, and it states this in my writing, he didn't really care at all. It was the classic case of parents mingling and kids being forced to interact

Gabe literally had no opinion on the girl next door to him, and he didn't think for a second that she would ever have any impact on his life

but as the story goes, she starts talking to him at school over something like his drawings or whatever, and when it's apparent they share some common interests, he indulges and is ok to chat

in Gabe's mind, he wasn't opposed to pip being a friend, but he wasn't used to it at all. even as a kid he'd been a bit of an outcast, and so anyone being nice to him like that was very weird, and made him question their intentions

of course pip had nothing malicious up her sleeve, and honestly, Gabe figured that out pretty quickly- she was simple, but very kind, and she genuinely wanted to be around him. it was still weird but he allowed it and liked that he had made a real friend

when his mental health got bad, things shifted. gabe went to the hospital for a while, which was pretty lonely. his answers on one's blog say that his experience there was boring and that "there were lots of weirdos", which tells me he didn't talk to anyone

and like my previous posts say, pip was quick and persistent when it came to finding him again once he was home. gabe at that point was probably unstable and exhausted from it all, so it's a good thing in a way that his dad kept pip away at first!

once they do start to talk and hang out again, things aren't too bad. he's not the same, but he's also not that different... he's just a teenager dealing with a lot on his plate and so having to be pip's friend is harder for him to do

gabe doesn't ever doubt that they are in fact friends, though. there is the instance of him lashing out once in their youth where he very rudely tells her that she means nothing to him (which causes a small fight), but ultimately this was due to him battling his symptoms and stress, and pip forgave him quickly

once Gabe starts to mature and settles on the proper medications, he relents a little about his former behaviour and realizes he's really glad to have Pip around after everything!

unlike pip there was no grand realization of any deeper feelings, and also no denial- gabe knew that pip was important to him in a way no one else was. but he also didn't really feel the need to act on that, he didn't think it was that important to make a big deal out of it and ask her out

not until his 19th birthday, when he's finishing his first year of university does he start to consider that hey, my life is progressing pretty steadily and i don't know where it will take me. but i DO know i want pip to be there too.

and he decides that when she turns 18 the next year he will ask her to be his girlfriend

*wheezes*

Ok, so then, that's about it for how they felt about each other. You mentioned flirting, and I'm sorry to say that neither of them is good at that sort of thing, and never attempted it. Pip sometimes teases Gabe after they're a couple, she likes pet names and joking about how she has the most handsome and smart boyfriend/husband ever, which always makes Gabe crack up.

But otherwise, they didn't know that the feeling was ever mutual, and I can't pinpoint any moments that made them think "Oh my god, I have a thing for them!" when they were younger. If anything Pip probably just got overthinking about something small like her hand holding his for a second or something he said that really wasn't meaningful but SOUNDED like it was. Idk. Either way, it worked out, they are a great dynamic. >:3

#ask #pipper #gabe

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loveinglymii2 · 10 months

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Yall just don't understand syd and carmy like I understand syd and carmy. Like they like each other they really do you're gonna sit here and tell me that you honestly felt more chemistry with carmy and Claire than carmy and syd, really? I just don't believe yall and on top of that where is all this talk about them being platonic coming from when in season 1 everyone was pretty much shipping them together. All it took was one gf and yall have shoved their potential relationship to the back burner weird if you ask me. Nothing and I mean nothing about their interactions screams platonic mans was in the middle of a damn panic/anxiety attack thinking about Claire trying to calm down and the second he started thinking about syd he felt relief you're telling me he likes Claire so much that the only way to calm himself during his panic/anxiety attack was to think about another woman? If you were dating him and you found out the ways he calms himself down from a panic/anxiety attack was him thinking about another woman you'd think he loved you more?? Lmao no I'd be like wtf I mean you can't control these things I get it but I'd still feel like does he actually love me if the thing that calms him down isn't me but someone else? And every time he talked about Claire whether it was him announcing he was going to talk to his "gf" or something else somehow some way syd would magically appear in the same/next frame as claire im sorry but that man likes her. And syd yea she likes him too when she was talking to carmy about what they were doing after work she literally looked interested genuinely but the moment Marcus asked if she wanted to hang she literally almost ran away screaming like there was a visible awkward shift in their interactions where there was no awkward (there was but not in a bad way) shift in her interactions with carmy they just kind of shook it off and walked away from each other. You want to know why its because she was interested in what carmy might've suggested if he had asked her to hang out she would've said yes but because he backed out she backed out too and just was like yeah whatever. Yall dont now how to read these characters I'm sorry but some of you really don't I'm already seeing yall saying stuff like I like them platonically and only after one gf like really and not only that but yall are also acting like yall love Claire so much when she was ok I'm not going to act like she didn't make carmy somewhat happy but she also made him anxious and she's also attached to bad memories which is why when carmy was having that panic/anxiety attack you'd see flashes of his family throughout but when he starts thinking of syd he calms down she brings him stress sometimes sure but she's also not connected to his family at all she's a clean slate a fresh start.

Anyways, whenever they decide to make another season of the bear, which I hope they make it soon, but because of the writers' strike idk, I hope yall 1. Stop all that platonic bs because why? And 2. I hope yall let Claire go bc that girl isn't carmy's endgame she's not. Also I hope carmy seeks out what's going on with him mental health wise so he can get the help he needs and maybe even the medication he needs because as long as he's going around undiagnosed and unmedicated I feel like he's going to keep having these same problems popping up.

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leshitshow · 2 years

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147

So horse therapy is a thing...

I'm actually serious and fucking confused. More on that in a second...

I'm researching therapy where my idiot brother and mother live because - for as bad as I am mentally - they're truly pieces of shit and need it more than me.

I still love them but here's the deal - what do you think of when you hear about a 65-year-old white woman who eats oxy like pez, lives off state funding while selling her fucking drugs on the side, while continuously making batshit bad decisions like robbing the elderly, treating her boyfriends like shit, giving zero thought to how her actions fuck her kids over, and is also racist as fuck? You would probably think that woman is a true piece of shit. You'd be right.

Or what would you think when you hear about a 33-year-old white dude who has close to eight or nine DUIs under his belt, has wrecked every single car he's driven, and the only thing that's making him currently reevaluate his life choices is he's now facing yet another year in prison and even then - despite this being his second time behind bars - it might not do much to change his lunatic trajectory in life? If you'd think he's making piece of shit decisions - you'd be right.

This is my immediate family and I am absolutely sick of their shit.

Back to the horses -

I am putting together a list of all low cost and free drug rehabs, housing assistance, job assistance, education assistance, and mental health assistance info in their area together for them. This way - when one ends up homeless and the other a prisoner for another year - I can at least say I did what I could and get some sleep at night.

So about the "equine therapy" ...

One question: What the actual fuck?

Look, I've done enough mental therapy research on my own behalf to know the scientific world of psychology is crude, at best. There are the tried and trues like talk therapy and questioning the patient back therapy. And then whatever the fuck Freud discovered and taught had been the gold standard up until fairly recent (last 30 years) but it's basically now debunked. There's other therapies that are beginning to join the ranks of talk therapy and drugs therapy like EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and even Mind Body Stress Relief. Then there's the stuff the sounds like absolute bullshit like Tapping therapy and some other shit I have just discarded from my memory because it's so hokey. Now, as of today, there's horse assisted therapy. Uhuhnnn...

Not trying to judge this "therapy" but I'm just like... yea ok show me the research, first. What is petting and riding horses going to do for someone reliving a trauma? Maybe anxiety relief? idk. <

Not trying to judge this but I'm just like... yea ok show me the research, first. What is petting and riding horses going to do for someone reliving a trauma? Maybe anxiety relief? idk.

Just sitting here contemplating even telling my drug eating frail mother and DUI king brother about... fucking, horse therapy.

#drug abuse #drug addiction #family #drugs #relationships #therapy #mental health #wtf #i hate everything

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pwarkluv · 3 years

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❝ idk you yet ❞ - p.js

park jisung x reader | angsty, fluff | 1.6k words

WARNINGS | TW: mentions blood, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, smoking, lowercase au, non-idol au, high school au, badboy!jisung, mature language/cursing, reader is like an angel sent from heaven for him, jisungie just in need of love :(

SUMMARY | being an outcast has him wondering if he’ll ever be happy. cue you, the new girl, stumbling into his life (literally).

AUTHOR’S NOTE | inspired by the song “idk you yet” by alexander23! also AHHH this is my 100 followers special fic :) THANK U LOVES FOR 100 IM SO SHOCKED CJSBFKEJD <33 the writing is a little crappy because i’m currently on my period and my patience for sitting down and writing this went down halfway through lol but I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, ENJOY THIS JISUNG FIC BC JISUNG MY BABIE AND SO ARE YOU GUYS!

whenever anybody thinks of park jisung, they think of the chains and dark clothing he wears. they think about the faint smell of smoke and men’s cologne that follows him wherever he goes.

they think of the boy who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.

but what they don’t think about are bruises on his face he fails to hide whenever he walks into school, the dejected look on his face whenever random people give him disapproving looks, the way his smile slowly faded into a permanent frown wherever he went.

jisung quickly accepted his reputation at school and in their little town, not having enough energy to feel insecure about it like before.

the only group of people that even remotely cared about the boy were his best friends in the whole entire world, nct dream.

they were outcasts just like him, the most “fucked up group of boys” in their town (the people’s words, not theirs).

see, they were your typical bad boy group straight out of your typical fanfic. bad grades, smoking in their free time, getting into fights, always being late to class; not a single person had hope in them.

but behind their scary and intimidating facade, all seven boys were big softies with misunderstood hearts and difficult backgrounds.

people were just too dense to look into it, only judging them based on their looks and personality on the outside.

❝ how can you miss someone you’ve never met ❞

love was a foreign thing to jisung, the only form of love he’s ever felt being from his friends. his parents were… interesting to say the least.

jisung’s father was a hard-core alcoholic, his mother being a major druggie. with no siblings in the house, jisung was usually their main target to push around and beat up.

and so because of this at a young age jisung learned to distance himself from other people and found different ways to release stress.

he started smoking when he was 14, the warm and hazy feeling of the smoke entering his lungs comforting him.

if jisung humored himself enough, maybe smoking could count as his first love. it was always there for him, never leaving him alone even if he wanted to quit.

he relied on it knowing it was the only constant in his life.

now of course the boy has heard of proper love, love like in the movies or shitty romance songs he hears on the radio.

and he won’t lie, there were moments he thought about what it felt like to be in love. but he knew that would never happen, at least not in their small town anyways.

he just wanted to be loved.

jisung would never admit it but sometimes he’d be jealous of the old couples walking down the street in their own world like it was just them two against the universe. he was jealous of the happy kids running around, their mother’s and father’s fondly smiling at their child. he was jealous of all the “normal” kids in his neighborhood.

jisung wanted that, craved that.

but most importantly, the boy wanted love.

❝ cause i need you now but i don’t know you yet ❞

everything hurt.

his head, his body, his mind, his heart; everything was in pain.

jisung walked down the empty streets of their city, a trail of blood following behind him as he accepted his fate. the boy was 99% sure he had a concussion and at the very least had a few broken ribs.

he felt like this was the end, and he was ready.

wandering aimlessly around town, you decided to take a late night walk to familiarize yourself around the area. you had just moved into the city a week ago, spending all seven days trying to help your family unpack and rearrange your cozy new home.

now that you were finally free of the smell of tape and the dust of the boxes, you decided it was best to get to know the place you were living in.

the autumn air seemed to settle at night as you shivered, cursing yourself for not bringing a jacket of some sort. the sight of a convenience store up ahead of you brought you relief as you rummaged through your pockets wondering if you had enough money for ramen.

your steps became excited as you found a couple dollars, fondly thinking about what type of ramen you should buy. you became so lost in your thoughts you didn’t even notice the poor boy who was staggering in front of you, or the trail of blood he left behind.

jisung pushed himself to reach the convenience store a couple feet away from him, in desperate need of supplies to at least try and fix himself.

if it didn’t help in any way then oh well, maybe death was indeed an option.

grinding his teeth though the pain, he did not expect to feel a small body bump into him. had he been at his regular health, jisung would’ve easily been able to keep still but because of how much blood he was losing the boy was knocked down like a bowling pin.

“holy fuck.” jisung cursed the feeling of the concrete floor colliding with his ribs. he didn’t even notice the girl who had bumped into him sitting on the floor dumbfounded, freaking out over his state.

“oh my fucking god.” the girl said, capturing his attention. jisung glared at the stranger, mentally acknowledging the fact she was pretty.

but her being pretty won’t get you anywhere, he scolded himself. she’ll leave you just like everyone else.

“a-are you okay?” she said, eyes glancing at his black eye. jisung rolled his eyes, already annoyed. “does it look like i’m okay?” he replied, his deep voice catching the girl off guard.

“just, fuck off.” jisung said closing his eyes as he laid back down on the floor, knowing he couldn’t force himself to get up anymore. he didn’t even have to open his eyes to know she left, hearing the sound of her footsteps walk away.

the boy sighed as he laid idly on the floor, wondering what sin he committed to lead him to where he is now. not even she wanted to stay, the tears threatening to fall as his thoughts buried him alive.

“why can’t i just die?” jisung said out loud, asking no one but himself.

“because i won’t let you.” a voice replied as jisung forced himself to sit up in confusion. it was the same girl he had bumped into, but this time she had a first aid kit with her. he gave her a lost look despite knowing what she was here to do.

jisung’s mind just couldn’t wrap around the fact that a total stranger would even bother to help him.

“now sit up.” she said softly as she bent down to open the box, the boy slowly followed her instructions. “i’m sorry this might sting.” she said though jisung didn’t mind because she was much prettier up close.

the next ten minutes were you trying to fix his wounds against the shitty chairs outside the convenience store.

jisung didn’t even bother mentioning his broken ribs, not wanting you to freak out. you cleaned up what you could and the boy was beyond grateful for that.

you subconsciously rubbed his back in a comforting way whenever you’d apply alcohol to his open wounds, trying to ease the sting. you held his hand for him to hold and though he was a big boy and had a high pain tolerance, he still gave it a squeeze just to keep your hand there. what the actual fuck is this feeling, jisung asked himself as he watched your determined figure work on him.

it was cold and in order to better work on his wounds, the boy offered to give you his hoodie which strangely had no traces of blood on it. you gladly accepted, the faint smell of blood and his cologne engulfing you up.

the sight of you in something so big and so him made his chest swell in pride.

jisung couldn’t even formulate a sentence as you cursed at the time once you finished patching him up, fleeing the scene before he could say anything with a small smile, his hoodie still on.

❝ and can you find me soon because i’m in my head ❞

the thought of your soft hands on his, your voice, your whole presence; everything about you couldn’t seem to leave the poor boy’s mind. it was now monday, and waiting for his class to start already made him want to go home.

if only i got her name, jisung daydreamed with his head resting on the palm of his hand. the classroom was loud and bright, people occasionally giving him looks but the boy didn’t mind.

“jisungie~ did you hear we have a new kid?” jaemin asked, poking the boy’s cheeks. the boy only gave him a pointed look before sighing.

“hyung i don’t really care.” jisung replied, looking back out the window.

jaemin only gave him an offended look before grumbling a bit. “i don’t know maybe you will.” he muttered under his breath as their teacher walked into the room.

❝ yeah i need you now but i don’t know you yet ❞

their homeroom teacher stood in front of the class, jisung tuning out his voice. the boy once again sighed as his teacher called for their attention, explaining they had a new girl in their class. “now make her feel welcomed,” he said before turning towards the door.

“y/n, please come in.” the teacher said and jisung almost fell out of his seat when he saw you walking through the door with the same smile you gave him a couple days ago.

“hi i’m y/n and i hope we can get along.” you bowed to the class, a familiar hoodie you were wearing catching his attention.

isn’t that mine, jisung thought to himself as he bit back a smile knowing you kept it all along.

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

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Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below.

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant.

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry.

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode.

3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified.

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief.

3:30 - OMG. “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it.

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT.

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true.

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot.

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit. hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining.

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great).

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius. I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed.

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition.

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little.

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining.

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa.

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general.

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect.

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk.

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating.

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it.

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial.

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!?

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm.

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season?

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between.

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder).

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues.

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.” Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often.

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore. DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT.

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here.

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might.

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay.

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason.

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :(

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode.

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers.

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil.

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this.

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL.

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality.

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame.

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast.

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured. Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him. <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis.

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people.

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card.

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour.

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day.

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence.

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting.

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back.

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood.

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :(

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here.

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son).

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons.

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator.

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT.

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die.

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING.

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her.

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all.

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it.

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :(

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene.

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape.

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds.

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect.

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie.

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?!

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces.

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral.

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth.

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us.

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity.

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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danideservedbetter · 3 years

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Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

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certifiedskywalker · 4 years

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Sweet Rest - Diego Hargreeves

Anonymous said: Could you write something with Diego and a NB reader? I’m kinda ✨ projecting ✨ Maybe like idk, reader is studying history at uni and just domestic fluff? In the theme of projecting please could NB have a completely shaved head and loads of facial piercings? Please? 💛

AN: I didn’t want to get too specific, as not to exclude too many readers, but I hope I managed to capture the fluff you desired!

This also serves as a PSA to my fellow students: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES! I’ve been attending my courses online and I forget to get up to move around get water. Grades are not the ‘end-all be-all’ as my mother has said. Your health, mental, emotional, and physical, comes first.

So, be kind to yourself and remember to take breaks! Read some fanfiction! Have a snack! Do what you have to do!

You had been hunched over your desk for hours now. Bleary eyed and tired, you glanced at the clock and cringed. When you started to study, it had been light outside. It was the first sunny day in ages and you were stuck inside with school work. Now, you could see the soft oranges of the sunset turning a murky grey-green. With a groan, you leaned down and laid your head on your desk, using your arms as a makeshift pillow.

The moment you closed your eyes, your body seemed to melt with relief. A pounding in your head, a headache you did not notice before you relaxed on the desk, ceased. Gently, you rolled your shoulders and neck to find that the joints were stiff from lack of movement. You shoved have taken a moment to stretch. Even a little walk around your room to get your blood flowing.

Hindsight is a blessing and a curse; you would stretch next time.

At the thought of doing more work tomorrow, you felt your body tense up once more. Stinging behind your eyes were tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks. In an attempt to quell them, you forced yourself to take a deep, slow breath. After a set of five breaths, you were beginning to feel your body unwind again.

Sadly, before you could totally relax, the loud slamming of a door broke your concentration. Slightly frightened by the sound, you swiftly lifted your head up to see what, or who, had entered your room.

“You’re still at it?”

Your eyes softened at the sight of Diego standing in the doorway. His dark eyes were squinted as his brow furrowed in concern. You merely nodded in response.

The quiet reply was enough for Diego to drop the overnight bag he always brought to your place beside the door. Within seconds, he had strode over to you with reaching hands. When his fingers found your shoulders and began to rub them, you had to fight to hold in a moan.

“Maybe it’s time for a break,” he suggested as he dug his thumbs into the sore muscles of your upper back. You leaned into his touch, tender yet rough.

“Maybe,” you agreed. Diego continued to work the ache from your bones. Under his touch, all your stresses seemed so far away. Though, the moment his hands left your body, it all came rushing back. The mental check list of everything you needed to do before the end of the week rolled through your head. “But I have history assignments yet to do.”

“Y/N,” Diego pressed, turning your chair so that you were no longer facing your desk but him. “Please, it’s getting late and I can tell you’re tired.”

“The course work-”

“Can wait. Come to bed with me.”

Warm, curving with his breath, Diego’s words sent your heart aflutter. Before you could even try to protest or deny his invitation, Diego pressed his lips to the sensitive skin of your neck. The instant his lips made contact with your flesh, you knew you would completely surrender to him. When he pulled away, you turned to meet his gaze. Diego gave you a sly, and knowing, half-smile.

“The work will be here tomorrow.”

You wanted to point out that the due dates would too; the ever looming shadow until the end of the semester. Yet, Diego, who knew all your weak spots, knew how to pull your worry away. He pressed another kiss to your neck, then another, and another. He tilted your head with a careful hand and, smiling lazily, he kissed your lips.

“Fine.”

You felt Diego pull away but you kept your eyes closed. “Now, that’s what I like to hear: pure, loving reluctance.”

A small laugh escaped you and you opened your eyes. Diego was smiling down at you. He smiled still as he pecked your cheek and pulled away. Strong hands rubbed at your shoulders before you watched Diego walk towards your bed. Unceremoniously, he threw himself on the mattress. From the impact, Diego bounced slightly and his head fell against the pillow.

“You’re not one for cuddling,” you said, letting your chin rest against the back of your chair. You would get up to lay with Diego soon; for now, you just wanted to look at him. Laying in your bed, limbs stretched out and waiting for you to join him. His dark eyes were slightly hooded and his lips were parted in a lazy smile. How sweet he looked; how sweet his was.

“When my partner looks so tired, it’s hard to not want to.” Diego raised an arm and gestured to the empty side of the bed. “Join me.”

Limbs heavy from sitting all day, you nearly trembled as you stood up. With every step you took away from your desk, you felt your shoulder grow lighter. It was as if you were trudging through cold, overwhelming waves to reach the beach, the sand that was glowing with warmth. When you reached the edge of your bed, Diego did not hesitate to reach up and pull you to him.

You fell by his side, curling into the warmth emanating from his body. Diego was always warm. He joked about how it was because he lived and worked in the gym. There was no avoiding the heat of muscles moving. When he wasn’t cleaning or helping out customers, he was working out too. It showed in his arms, lean but strong as they encircled you.

“You work too hard.”

You moved your head to rest on Diego’s chest, far enough away so that you could still look into his eyes. Giving him an incredulous look, you fired back, “says the night-time vigilante.”

“That’s my free time, I choose to do that,” Diego countered. You laughed and shook your head against him. When you looked back up at him, you saw that Diego was already staring at you with pure adoration in his dark eyes.

For a moment, you felt self-conscious but there was no way you could hide with your arms wedged so snugly around Diego. Also, a part of you did not want to hide. Diego had seen you through good days and bad days. Those long nights where you doubted yourself, your identity, or where you were overcome with intense dysphoria. It was Diego that helped you cut your hair short, walked you to appointments, and, like tonight, made sure you took breaks.

You knew he loved you, and you loved him, but there were minutes, fleeting seconds, when you felt like you were his responsibility. As if he felt obligated to be with you because he had come this far. The thought always struck your chest, your heart, terribly hard. What would he rather be doing with the time he spent with you? You dared to ask him.

“Then what do you call this time?” As you asked, you gestured to your tangled bodies splayed out across your bed. Diego took a moment, drinking in the softness of your face. From the worry lines that formed in his features, you knew that he could tell your thoughts were racing.

“I call this,” he grabbed your hand and brought it to his lips, “my favorite time. There’s no place I would rather be than right here, with you.”

A small, embarrassed smile spread along your lips as Diego kissed your knuckles. He met your gaze as he did and you shook your head. No matter what your worries made you think or feel, Diego always put your mind and heart at ease. With a gentle squeeze of your hand, he pulled you closer into his side so that your head was firmly rested against his chest.

His other arm, tucked under your neck, wrapped around you. Comfortable warmth surrounded you and you never wanted to leave. You closed your eyes as Diego’s hand rubbed up and down your back. Even through your sweater, you could feel the slight heat of his palm. The warmth trailed after his hand as he rubbed your scalp.

“Want a hair cut soon?”

“Mm, maybe.” You had been so caught up in university, you barely had a chance to look in the mirror. There was, in a sense, no time to reflection; on anything, really.

“Let me know,” he said softly, “you know I like to help.” A laugh rumbled in your chest and you opened your eyes to met Diego’s gaze.

“You just like holding the scissors.”

“That’s not true. I like the clippers too.”

“Any sharp object really,” you joked. Diego squeezed your side and tickled you.

You jerked in his arms in an attempt to pull away. Laughing made your escape difficult and, taking advantage of your weakened state, Diego moved over you. With his heads, on either side of your head, Diego was positioned above you, caging you beneath his body. You beamed up at him, reaching your arms up to wrap around the back of his neck. Lightly, you scratched the back of his head, feeling the short hair at the nape. Diego looked down at you with such longing that you thought he wasn’t real. Maybe you were just imagining him here, above you, smiling softly at you.

Then, Diego leaned down and captured your lips with his. It was deep, messy, but perfectly real; just like you and Diego. When he pulled away, he did so slowly so he could still savor the feeling that lingered. You smiled up at him, bringing one of you heads to the side of his face. Diego opened his eyes and leaned into your touch.

“Thank you.”

Diego cocked his head at your words. “For what?”

“Everything,” you replied. “For making me take a break, for being here.”

“Like I said: there’s no where I would rather be.” Without missing a beat, Diego leaned down and kissed you again. When your eyes closed, you saw every night of your future. In the evenings, like this one, it was just you and Diego. No worries, no stress, just sweet rest.

#diego hargreeves #diego hargreeves imagine #diego hargreeves imagines #diego hargreeves x reader #diego hargreeves fanfic #diego hargreeves fanfiction #tua #tua imagine #tua imagines #tua fanfic #tua fanfiction #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy imagine #the umbrella academy fanfiction #academia #diego hargreeves x nonbinary reader #nb!reader #nonbinary!reader

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seoafin · 3 years

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Alright fine. I’ll elaborate. It’s annoying when anyone reduces characters to one thing. Honestly, it’s more from your jokes about Gojo crying so easily and you reducing Shouko to some lonely woman that cries herself to sleep. Now I’m not saying I don’t agree in some cases—or that you’ve even said that about Shouko—it’s more so that you have a really good grasp about any character you write, and portray them beautifully.

But then you turn around and joke about ONE thing or discuss ONE character trait that you also fault others for discussing/pointing out excessively. There’s a difference between wanting more content because you like a character (Shouko, in this case) and then reducing them to some fragile thing; it honestly feels like you reduce her because she’s a woman. I too think she’d miss her friend group from high school. You’d grow close with anyone after everything sorcerers have to deal with. But for some reason Shouko is the only character that it seems you WANT to see her pain, instead of thinking that she’s been able to heal. Like Nanami is the adult of adults, he left because it was too much. But this woman, for some reason, is just some sad little girl that hasn’t found healthy ways to cope? Not saying alcoholism is great, but she’s more mature than a lot of characters and yet you and others just “want to see her more.” And instead of ACTUALLY wanting to see her more you want to specifically see her be FRAGILE. It wouldn’t be a bad thing, but again it feels like you don’t want character exposition. You want a Shouko to be a sad, lonely, fragile WOMAN.

Please take the capitalized words as italicized trather han me shouting. Idk how to make them be in italics 😐

i made jokes about gojo crying like five times max, but I honestly don’t think I’m necessarily reducing gojo down to that one trait? i make jokes about gojo crying because it’s just that: a joke. it’s the comic relief he showcases in the show by being a clown 😭

you said that I “turn around and joke about ONE thing or discuss ONE character trait that [I] also fault others for discussing/pointing out excessively” and what would that be? I’m pretty curious because I don’t think I’ve faulted anyone for anything (except stoner geto which deserves to be condemned). I also stressed the importance of interpretation and how character’s are up for interpretation, but within bounds so it isn’t a completely different character yk?

I’m also really wondering where you got this idea of me seeing shoko as fragile? I neither see shoko as fragile nor do I want to see her suffering at all. I hate the “women need to suffer to get stronger” trope with every inch of my being.

I honestly don’t think Shoko is anything near fragile!!! I think she’s an extremely capable doctor, but that she’s not exactly using the healthiest coping method. do you think that’s healing? alcohol? shoko hasn’t found a healthy way to cope. do you think she’s been able to heal too? we’ve gotten little to nothing on her, and from what we do know, I don’t think anyone can say she’s the pinnacle of mental health. granted I will also say she’s a lot more adjusted than gojo but that doesn’t mean much tbh, I think everyone is.

if anything she has her friendship with utahime, who she cares about so much she quit smoking as the one silver lining, but I doubt akutami’s going to expand on that. me wanting flawed, multi dimensional characters (especially FEMALE characters) isn’t me wanting her to suffer.

I have a problem with you accusing me of infantilzing shoko by pointing out her alcoholism. I’m not infantilizing shoko I’m giving her more depth?? the depth that akutami hasn’t allowed her? granted it is my interpretation, but I’m very very confused as to where this idea of you thinking I want shoko to be some fragile princess came from.

You’re implying that I infantilize shoko because she is a woman when almost every post I’ve made on Shoko is the exact opposite? One of the first posts I’ve ever made on Shoko was that she was a bad bitch who laughed at geto for being childish. I emphasized that shoko was detached from stsg and did not care in the same way gojo did although the three of them were arguably ‘friends’. shoko is not or was not ever as co dependent on people as say, gojo needing geto. she’s more than well equipped to take care of herself.

I said before that i want to see shoko as a character more, rather than sidelined. i want to see how she’s dealing with geto coming back to life, someone she most likely autopsied, and I want to see how she’s dealing with the news that gojo is sealed. Ppl she spent three years with!! apart from utahime, shoko is literally the last one left of her generation!!! not only that, she's one of the only characters that can use the reverse cursed technique so yes, I want to see her more. I don’t want to see her pain, I want to see her as an actual character, and that means acknowledging her pain and alcoholism. it's not me reducing her character at all 😭

#also....what's wrong with being a woman....yes i like women characters #i'm not sure if this is just a tone issue but the way you said woman made it seem as if you see it as a bad thing #sjdfnksdn im really quite confused on ur shoko points...a good chunk of my shoko posts are me begging akutami not to hurt her i #or not make her suffer....#also another good chunk of my shoko posts is her LITERALLY NOT CARING ABT GOJO AND GETO LMAO #the last thing I want is for shoko to suffer trust me 😭#.jjk ask #anon

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that-trunks-girl · 3 years

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I just need to rant for a minute. Read below the cut.

Okay, so, some of you may know about my struggles with my current job over the past year. For those that don’t know; I am a veterinary technician. I had been working at a clinic treating animals with cancer for the past 5 years. Since Covid hit last spring, the veterinary world has taken a huge incline in patients and clients.. We have been so overwhelmed and overbooked with cases it has been a nightmare some days. Staff members have taken a dive where I work and basically every veterinary clinic in the US. I was looking for something less stressing about a year ago. There were other personal reasons for leaving, but it never seemed to happen. When I became pregnant with my second child, I wanted to find something again to be closer to home. But, after several interviews, it didn’t work in my favor. I worked very limited hours at the clinic due to my pregnancy, but most importantly to help my oldest son who was doing virtual school at the time. At the end of April, I went on maternity leave. It has been a huge breath of fresh air the past 3 months. It gave me a lot of time to think. I had pretty much decided I was not going back to that clinic after my leave was up. But, during the 3 months, I’ve realized how much I love working there. It’s rewarding and I’m very good at what I do. When I went up to visit and introduce my son, it made me realize it even more. I was sure I could make it work despite the stress and the far drive.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out for me…

There’s this girl that works there. She started 3 years ago and I trained her to take my place working the midnight shift taking care of post-op patients so I could move to the day department working with chemotherapy. This girl has been nothing but trouble. She is a terrible technician, and is extremely lazy. There have been so many complaints and concerns with her over the past 3 years. I have said my fair share. But not only that, she gets under my skin and my anxiety is extremely high being around her. IDK what it is, but I just can’t stand her. I work my ass off at my job. I go above and beyond what is expected of me. So when someone slides by doing the bare minimum, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If she had improved after the first several times she was reprimanded, then maybe it would be different. But it’s been the same thing over and over and over. She’s lazy and avoids doing her job, she gets talked to, she improves for 2 weeks, then it starts all over again. Right before I went on leave, I again voiced my concerns with management because she was yet again not doing her job. I was told something was in the works to discipline her and hopefully improve.

Right when I’m ready to start back at work again, I get some upsetting news. I was browsing Indeed for the first time in months just to see new job postings. I was still keeping my mind open in case I chose to find something else. When I see a listing for a new tech for the overnight position. So I text the head tech and she tells me that Tammy wants to transfer to days. My heart drops and I just start crying. I can’t work with her.. I can barely see her for 5 minutes without my anxiety going wack. If I had to work full time with her on the floor, I would suffer. So, I start applying for jobs out of frustration and pain. How could they let her just do that?? After all that’s happened in the last 3 years, why should she get to choose to shift change like that. Why does she get to keep her job?? What’s even more upsetting, is that she is on PROBATION because of her being lazy and incompetent. Yet, she still has a job??

I apply for 3 clinics, I have 3 interviews and I receive 2 job offers. I accepted a job offer with a clinic just a few minutes from my house. It’s relieving, yet, I’m still so upset. I went to work with every intention of quitting, but, something in my gut told me i’m not ready. I voiced my concerns and why I’m leaving. They know my feelings for this girl. They know all the concerns I’ve voiced over the years. I was told that they didn’t want to lose me and asked what they could do to get me to stay. I’m not someone to give an ultimatum. But, in the back of my mind I tell myself it’s me or her. I was hoping to make it work. Perhaps work 1 or 2 days at oncology and then the other days at the new job just for the experience. Before leaving the clinic, they tell me to hold off on accepting the offer so they can figure something out. They tell me they are going to talk to Tammy about some things as well. — She told the clinic she will not work midnights after the end of this month; meaning, if they can’t find a replacement for her, someone from the surgery department will have to take the place and just cause so much trouble for the rest of the staff. Which is absurd. The doctor is not okay with this and she did not know that is what was being told by Tammy. So I wonder what will happen if they don’t find a replacement and she can’t work days. I had to wait for a replacement when I worked that shift. The girl before me also had to wait almost a year before they hired me. — Anyway, the next day, I get a text with an update that basically tells me they talked after I left and asked the other techs about Tammy’s progress since probation. They say she has improved and basically just asked if I would just look past my concerns and ‘see how it goes’ working with her for a while….

I’ve “seen how it goes” for 3 years…. I’m so hurt and angered over this. How can you not want to lose someone, but then just disregard their feelings like that??

In the end, I’ve accepted a new position. But, part of me wonders if I made the right decision. I don’t want to leave.. but, I know my mental health would suffer so much if I stayed there and worked along side her. Even if I worked in a different department or did something other than work the floor, she would still be there. If they would just get rid of her, it would work out so much better. I hope she just leaves if they refuse to let her shift change without a replacement. Or, they realize their mistake letting her shift change and the problems start all over again after her probation period and they finally get rid of her. But, I shouldn’t hold my breath…

I could do relief work there if I choose. But it would have to be days she is not there.

I’m just so lost right now. I’m excited to start my new job, but again, I’m full of so many thoughts. I know in the long run, it’ll be beneficial for me. I’m closer to home, I’ll get to learn so much more as a technician and have really great benefits. And if it doesn’t work out, I know I could go back to oncology. But…she would have to be gone…

So, am I wrong for my decision? Leaving a place I love for just one person? would you do the same? I wish this didn’t hurt me as it does. I’ve cried every day over this. I just wish it were easier.

#rant #sammee’s rambles #I’ve never been so upset over leaving a job before

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99liners · 3 years

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This is no ask but I just want to rant :'( I had the worst week of my life. Everything I did turned out to be a disaster and then the cherry on top was that my instagram account got hacked. And from my account the hacker attacked others. It was so stressful because everyone was asking me why I was messing up with their accounts. Thankfully, everything got sorted out and all of us got our accounts back but this situation was so stressful for me and really affected my mental health. I tried to keep my mind off by baking and other stuff but I just feel like something heavy has been put on my heart. I feel so tired. Can't skip univerisity and I am also on rotations in hospital these days so I have to focus as well. I can't even cryyyyy

hey bub, i am so sorry you had such a bad time. i am afraid i am not living a sprinkles life either but i really feel you :( also, if you want, you can then take a break from social media. try a social media cleansing, don't delete any apps but if you have an android then you can block the mobile net+WiFi for certain apps (idk if ios has that feature, i am guessing it does).

also, idk why you think you can't cry but you always can, if you do not have a personal living space then go cry in the washroom but do cry, you need to let out that heavy heart, love. you just gotta cry sometimes, it won't change a thing in your life, not a single one nor will it magically fix you but there is always an off chance that you feel lighter. and when times are bad, we all desperately require these off chances no matter what our odds are. so cry it out.

also, since you are an ARMY, listen to BTS songs, especially love yourself and previous eras. watch with those lyrical videos so you know that there are seven men out there who took out time to write these songs, so people like us who are going through such a hard time can at least breath a little lighter, can let our hearts down instead of clutching them so close and let that sigh of relief. blast 2!3!, magic shop, mikrokosmos, move, for you, awake, epiphany, singularity, stigma, reflection, trivia: love. again, your life won't become easier, but just.. it will feel lighter to exist, to breath, to live. when i need to just take a breath, i listen to ggukie saying "take a five seconds break with me" and he does the countdown, it just warms my heart. also i love watching namjoon talk, that guy, he so intellectual, it just.. its like a wonder watching him talk.

also, university is shit, everywhere. so know you are not alone. i cannot possibly fathom what you are going through, so please, do what feels right. try eating some of your favourite foods, desserts, fast foods, listen to whatever you want, when you get a break then watch your favourite shows/movies and know that you have me here 💕

#sarzkh31 #asks #you are a gem #❤️

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high-warlock-of-brooklyn · 3 years

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This is one of the previous anons who sent another ask, but since it canbe triggering, I’m putting it under the cut

TW Depression, mental health problems

Every word you said is true, every suggestion you gave is the one I should be working on.

But *deep sigh*, I can't talk with my family , they are already fighting their own fights, already are more than needed occupied with things, and I can't increase their issues. I know I won't be a burden to them , you are never a burden to your loved ones, but I still can't , I can not when I know how it will go and how they would react and everything. They love me so much that thy would be more stressed than me. Also ,I am very very very bad at expressing myself even to my closest ones. There are things that no matter how much I try, the words never come out. Idk what force pulls me but it always win.

Actually tbh,i never really try , cuz the reason I am like this is because of things that happened in the years I lived till now( I am 20) , I never knew that events that heppened had affected me until last to last year. I thought and thought and thought , and then when I connected the dots I could see how it all started and still continues. I can never talk about it with family though they were part of it,they were there all along , they went through same, but no never. The events that occured in my childhood were not normal, they were a bit messed up. I went a lot of mental stress . There are events from my childhood that I remember like they happened yesterday. Tho i dont remember how I felt but the pictures are enough to know that that whats shaped me and made me who I am today. They are the reasons I am reserved, bad at expressing emotions, insecure, and much more i don't know about.

But what I hate the most is that now whenever something small happens it makes me sad as hell. And whenever I am sad and someone comes to me, I feel a smile forming on my face. Now my body automatically does things to hide everything. And I have become so good at all these that I sometimes doubt that is this even real what I feel or am I just faking it.

Trust me I know , i need professional help but I can't. I am fine dealing with my mental stress alone. The only time I find hard to gather myself up is when I am crying. It is so hard to cry without making sound.

I know things are bottling up and it may end up bad but I will fight , I have to fight on my own .Though I won't win , and I won't ever give up.

Whatever I told you it is in the best way possible and there is much more than this. There are some things I am yet to accept . It is messed.

I know you want to help and I really appreciate it from bottom of my heart.

Thank you listening to everything. Thank you so much.

Hi Anon.

First of all, the whole thing about ‘you are never a burden to your loved ones’ is very misleading despite the intentions of the statement. No-one is free of burden. In truth, we should say ‘you are worth the work, because you are loved and cared for’.

You are right, your family has their own responsibilities and they are fighting their own fights. But you should know, that you are part of that fight too. You’re helping them every day in those fights, and it’s very important to know that no one fights alone. They don’t, because they have you to help them. It’s only fair that you have support in your fights too. It doesn’t make it problematic, it doesn’t make it a problem, it just makes it a fact of any relationship, familial or otherwise.

And it’s very much okay to be bad at saying what you need, and that’s why communication is so important. You don’t have to say entire essays every time you talk. Just saying that ‘I need a hug’ is better than saying nothing. Even hugging without saying anything is better than nothing.

It’s such a terrible feeling to look back at your life and see exactly how things went sideways, even though you can’t do anything about it. You’re the same age I am, and trust me when I say, it fucking sucks. And you’re right, no one has gone through the things you have. I’m autistic, and the same family events couldn’t have affected my family the same way as me, even though they went through the same thing. But that doesn’t make either of our struggles any less valid. Your hurt and pain and the shit you go through every day is valid. And I’m sorry you have to go through it.

Our trauma defines us a lot. Especially if it’s left unresolved. I hate loud utensil noises because it triggers the memories of my mom being furious with rage. It’s a very small thing to be so afraid of, or to do all the things I do to avoid it. But that doesn’t make my trauma any less valid or important. Some days all it takes is one dismissed wave of a hand for me to break down completely, but that doesn’t mean weakness. It means there are a lot of hurt and pain and issues left to fester for a long time without any relief. If you keep cranking up the pressure without letting it out, then it would find ways to escape anyway. Small things triggering you means your mind is exhausted, and needs a break.

No one can force you to seek help, all I can do is to ask you to do it. But if you choose to fight alone, then you can at least fight smart. I’ll advise reading up on your problems, it’s always better to know how things work than diving in blind. And learn to anticipate your tells, how your mind feels before you’re completely exhausted, how your body reacts to a certain trigger. Those are always helpful.

I want to give you a hug and I hope you know you are loved and appreciated, and please know you are not alone, and asking for help is okay 💙

Take off your burden on or off anon

#asks #anon asks #tw depression #tw mental health issues #tw depressive episodes #tw depressing thoughts #take off your burden on or off anon

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dont-reblog--i-moved · 3 years

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Had a p rough night. :/ Nothing super serious happened, just battling demons, but I'm honestly not in the mood for blogging (or much of anything really) for now. I'll still be online but idek if I'll be posting much or at all for the next few days. I could wind up hiding out at my naughty blog, cuz sometimes "concepting" (as I've grown to love calling it) can help me cope, but idk for sure.

[Details about my night and a lot of general mental health venting below. Serious TW for anxiety and CSA related PTSD talk. Also just a super long post too. You can interact but please don't reblog!]

My night wasn't the worst, but it was definitely beyond annoying. I kept waking up every hour or so just absolutely freaking out over...nothing. Like I know I do have things I'm stressed about, but this was legit like my body wanted to make sure every time I drifted off I was reminded of the fact I have no friends here except Daddy and how I'm always alone for so long almost every day. Obviously this is idiotic to be freaking out over considering there's still a fucking global pandemic going on. But that doesn't matter to my brain and heart rate apparently. :/

I got up this morning feeling so awful. Like absolute dog shit, only if you took the dog shit and like...dried it out in the sun for awhile. So yeah it's still a gross dog turd but at least it's dry? And doesn't smell so bad? Maybe cleaning it up will be easier this way? That's my whole mood idk.

The holidays are so tough on me and I know it's cuz I have such bad memories tied to going to my grandparents houses and all the tension of socializing around people I never ever felt comfortable around. But it feels like there's more to it than just that. I've got that same weight in my shoulders and heart I get when September rolls around. And that really worries me.

I feel like that weight comes from the terrible memories I have locked away in my brain. I don't want to unlock them, not without a therapist to help me deal with it, but sometimes you can't help where your mind wanders. I feel like all these awful feelings are trying to get me to look for and dig up all the things my brain hid from me to cope with my trauma. I know I can't handle it, hell I know I can't even find them. I've actually tried in the past but there's so much between me and the trauma that I wouldn't know it if I saw it probably.

But the feelings they cause me, they're definitely there. Nausea when I think of my childhood. The idea that feeling afraid is worse than death. The suffocation and hopelessness of being surrounded by people who only ever think you're acting out for attention or cuz you're the weird kid, and there's no way there's an actual, horrifying cause behind it all.

The feelings taunt me on the daily. Sometimes I can shrug it off. Most of the time it just exists to trip me up, but I move on. But about a quarter of the year (total) it is the most insanely heavy, disorienting, demoralizing, and nauseating weight on my body. It feels like I'm physically carrying a bag of bricks on my back. It feels like I'm mentally fighting bad thoughts that don't even have words attached to them, just those feelings.

The only reason I'm writing out any of this is to get it out of my head. I know nothing can change for good until I have someone professional to help me work through it. I've done research on PTSD since I got diagnosed in 2016, but C-PTSD is what I really think I'm dealing with. Because of those damn feelings. The ones that creep up on you and grab hold out of nowhere. You hear a song, a phrase, a single word, and suddenly you're back there. I personally don't want to know the visuals and details of back there, especially bc the feelings are more than enough to get the point across.

I just really wish I didn't have to suffer still. I lived it. I suffered it then. But it's long past done. And I'm the one who ended it. I did that. Little 9 year old me, standing up to someone who never thought I would. He fought for it, but I didn't back down. Even when he came back a month later, I still shut it down.

I shouldn't have had to do any of that. I remember that day. I won't ever forget it. The relief I felt was so small but worth it. But I had no clue how much the fear and nausea from before that point would build and weigh me down for years to come. I just want to feel that relief again, without all the grief behind it.

#Katie blabs #Vent #TW: PTSD #TW: anxiety #TW: CSA #Not Queued #This seems like the kinda thing I'd post for a day then delete #But idk I kinda like how my train of thought went here #Sry it's so dark :/#I'm not in a dangerous situation/mentality for myself rn either #I realize it could seem that way based on how this ended #But those thoughts are my daily hell #Can't say I'm used to it but I get by

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handweavers · 4 years

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Really don't mean to trivialise CFS/fibro, since I too have autoimmune issues, but I think part of the reason there's no clear explanation for the cause of these things is psychological trauma, our bodies carry the weight of our trauma, it can appear as joint pain, headaches, fatigue, even asthma and allergies have been linked. Idk this isn't gna solve your issues obviously... but my therapist was telling me about it and thought I'd share

oh for sure, like there are a lot of reasons why we develop these issues and i've read books about fibro that explain that the primary cause seems to be an overactive 'fight or flight' response due to trauma so the body is constantly under stress because it basically thinks it's being attacked which leads to pain and fatigue and other health issues. one theory is that it causes a lot of stress on the fascia (the membranes that surround and protect and hold the muscles) which is why myofascial release therapy helps a lot of people with chronic pain, as well as restorative yoga (slow, seated or lying down, focused on deep stretches and relaxation)

i was mainly complaining bc none of these things can be easily proven in a medical sense, in that there isn't a test that can be done or a direct explanation for these conditions, ie. an imbalance in hormones or gene variation or something that can be addressed clinically. most of us are diagnosed and sent off to deal with it alone bc it's such a severely neglected area of medicine (i would argue because of its association primarily with women, as well as the psychosomatic nature of it) and many doctors don't know what to do with us because the treatment is both vague and complex. and even with treatment it doesn't fully go away and can flare up at a moment's notice, or worsen and stay that way permanently, and there's no real explanation for any of it outside of "well it's psychosomatic"

like i've been in therapy for over a decade, on medication for mental health stuff for just as long, and i've seen a massage therapist for several years as well, so aside from taking prescription muscle relaxants when the pain gets bad (every doctor i've seen refuses to prescribe me opioids/prescription pain relief medication and has literally just told me to deal with it), self-medicating with weed and doing restorative yoga there's nothing i can really do to change anything, and that's what frustrates me more than anything. unless i venture into the "drinking only green smoothies every day cured my lyme disease" side of the internet this is just how it is 🤷🏽

#long post #drugs mention

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animepleasegood2 · 3 years

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Tag Game!

➡Tagged by: @nya-vivi

Gender: Female

Star sign: Cancer

Height: 5ft 6 in / 167 cm

Birthday: June 29

Fav bands: Big Bang, SNSD, Blackpink KAT-TUN, AAA (I'm a Kpop and Jpop fans and simply learned to appreciate new cultures.)

Fav solo artists: Bruno Mars, Selena Gomez, Crystal Kay, Miyano Mamoru, Eve, Jay Park, Rainych, Shayne Orok( A mix of pop singers and YouTubers. That is pretty much my jam!)

Song stuck in my head: "Mahou" [Magic] by Myuk (Writing by Eve) I didn't cut out my old habit of watching new series every season since high school. Also, "Accumula Town" from the Pokemon Black and White soundtrack. IDK if that counts but ever since the news on the Pokemon remake games coming soon in the Nintendo Switch, this song has been popping out in my dashboard and I have been listening to it addictively.

Last movie: I want to eat your pancreas. ( Even though, the anime plot was obvious however it managed to stimulate my emotions down the road. Bittersweet ending that teaches you about the importance of communication and to enjoy your life to the fullest.)

Last show: Accurately Attack on Titan. ( However, I was re-watching some retro animes at the same time called "Grander Musashi" [Fish show] and " Chousoko Spinners" [About Yo-yo]. The shows ridiculously go into an intense training arc and tournament like how you would see in Shounen anime nowadays. Despite all of that, a part of my childhood does enjoy these old paced shows that hold a special place in my heart. Bear with me! )

When I created this blog: I don't remember.

Last thing I googled: Grander Musashi in Arabic. ( Yeah, I know I'm a dork. I actually watched the series in Arabic and wanted to binge-watched my retro animes from its original dub (Japanese). Also, I research it in Japanese in case if any of you wanted to watch the retro series that I mentioned.

Do I get asks: Yes, I guess so.

Following: I just daily reblog whatever I watch on TV and usually on Yu Yu Hakusho tags, always eager for any new content, news or merchandise.

Why I chose this URL: The origin of my username was founded in my freshmen days in high school. Long story short, I was praying to God that I would survive the three-episodes shot of each anime series that I was watching in each season, hoping it would be a great show that I will learn something out of it. This is why I call myself "Anime Please Good." :) Don't ask for more, I was a weird teen who preferred spending the day at home. The irony, now I wish the opposite.

Other blogs: Well, maybe I will create a new one if I finally publish the story that I was working on for quite a while. Hopefully, I regain my motivation and stop my procrastination.

Average hours of sleep: Ideally 5-7 hours but the lockdown is messing around my sleeping routine.

Lucky number: 7 ( I love Nana so much, would totally recommend it for people who love a slice of life/romantic stories and teaches a lot of life notions) I'm so blinded by the show that I almost forgot that this number brings bad luck. And no, I'm not a masochist!

Instruments: Piano. I haven't played it for a while. I do enjoy the classical soundtrack to calm my mood and help me to script.

What I’m wearing: A pair of camouflage buttoned t-shirt and pants Pj set and hairclip for my Rapunzel's hair. My whole family is insisting on me getting a new haircut. Sadly, I'm stubborn as a mule and fonded by my long hair aesthetic.

Dream trip: Literally visiting Japan, since I'm progressively learning the language.

Favorite foods: Boiled stuffed grape leaves (which I had today for lunch) as a meal and cheesecake as dessert.

Nationality: Born in Kuwait but lived my entire life in Canada.

Favourite songs: Nu'est - Hello (addictive), Plastic Love by Takeuchi Mariya (retro vibes), Love in top by Beyonce (my queen), September by Equinox Stars (Just Dance) and old anime songs stored on my Itunes.

Top 3 fictional universes: Yu Yu Hakusho/ Hunter x Hunter, Naruto and Black Bulter. ( I listed the fandom that I read the most in Fanfiction)

@luckystarchild

Thank you for tagging me. I had fun writing about myself and it was a great stress relief for my mental health. Also, a great practice to sort my thoughts.

#writing exercise #experiences #hobbies #myself #personality #favourite things #music #food #nostalgia #response to luckystarchild #tag games #personal

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peachymess · 5 years

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Hhnng I had forgotten how sucky it is not being able to fall asleep. I’ve struggled so much with sleep throughout my life but I was having a really good period of just... being able to fall asleep when I try. So much so I forgot what it feels like. Just how I always forget just how painful loneliness is, until it comes back.

... for the last, what, three weeks? I have started having trouble falling asleep again. I know it’s because of stress but knowing the reason doesn’t make it any less hard to overcome. I’m really starting to worry. Two days ago, I crashed mentally due to finally having pushed too far. I’m also not eating well due to... well several things.

It’s all just culminating.

This is another late night rant, btw. I just need to get it out, it helps, no need to worry or try to help. The only thing I can do is continue to ride them out - these waves of good and bad mental states - and tackle them with the tools I’ve acquired over the years.

It’s quite humbling. Having those rare, big periods of good where I finally start to hope and believe that “... I’m finally healthy! I’m finally mentally healthy! I conquered my mental illness’” and then... again... there’s another crash and I’m reminded that no,... it’ll most likely always be a roller coaster. How could I be so gullible again.

And it’s scary. Really scary. Much more so than before... I made the final decision not to consider suicide an option anymore, on December 7th of 2017. Ever since then, being able to escape a little by daydreaming about the fact that I could end it all, all the pain, the worry, the shame... that escape went away. I don’t know if I can truly explain it to someone who’s never been suicidal, but I’m sure those that have been or still are, understand... the relief that the presence of that option is. Having that out. To us, the thought of suicide is a sweet thing, not a pain. If you truly hit rock bottom and you can’t take it anymore; there’s always that out, plan Z. Knowing you’re stuck with this life, regardless of how it plays out, regardless of how much pain you’ll be in, is terrifying and painful. I remember watching this documentary about a young woman who wanted to be granted assisted suicide due to her depression. It was a long battle to get accepted... but once she was granted this terminal treatment... she chose to keep trying to live. I feel like I understand why: life was so painful for her, she wanted the pain to stop. She didn’t necessarily want to die, she just wanted to not live. There is a major difference between the two that needs to be understood... Anyways, as soon as this young woman was granted the option to pull the plug for good, if she finally reached a point of not being able to handle another second,... she decided to keep trying. Knowing that she had the ability to opt out, that she was the driver of her life, she made the call on how much she was gonna take, it felt less oppressive, less forced. As soon as she had a safety break, “just one more step” became a less daunting task...

In case someone suicidal is reading this, I just want to make sure you also understand this: you cannot give in to the “sweet” thought of death. It isn’t the out you think it is. I heard once that every suicide jumper who survived jumping off a bridge, regretted it as soon as they got in the air... I don’t know if that’s 100% true, but I appreciate the notion. Just because there is some relief in daydreaming about giving up, that doesn’t mean the actual deed is as sweet. Again, there is a massive gap between wanting to stop living, and wanting to die. Also, plus: you’ll only transfer that hurt onto your loved ones, if you opt out of yours. It’ll multiply. Become even uglier. Please don’t. Coming from someone who also “wants to die” (though in this context it’s actually just not wanting to live): please don’t kill yourself.

... because I do. Want to stop living, I mean. These past few days... I’ve wanted to give up so bad. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow that even though I made that final choice of living, and having Armin’s name tattood on my body for strength,... not even him, not even my own promise to myself, could undo the wish. The pain. The illness is still there. Not the wish, but the hurt that gives me reason to want to die.

I didn’t mean for this to become a long post about suidice. I’ve struggled with wanting to just get this out there and not wanting to say it outright. I’ve made so many posts like these throughout my tumblr stay, and I don’t want to worry my friends and mutuals... but writing to the void has always served a tiny bit of help. And I guess there is no way around it anymore. I can’t be cryptic anymore. All this talk about feeling trapped in the wrong timeline, feeling stressed and exhausted or whatever... what I really need to say is that I want to die very strongly these days and it’s really scary, because I don’t want to want to die. Sometimes, when things start to hurt really badly, I’m scared that some form of second consciousness will take over my body and do something against my own will. I’m afraid my choice will be taken from me. I always said that I would be terrified of being handed a gun, because If I were, I can’t trust that I wouldn’t just... put it in my mouth and pull the trigger before I could stop myself. I’m afraid of that entity in me that’d say “let me make this easy for you. Let me save you before you have the misguided courage to resist”. I’m afraid I’ll jump from my balcony. I thought I would, but then I realized it’s not far enough, I’d just break my legs and lie in the cold grass until my neighbors found me in pain the next morning.

I’m sorry, I don’t know where I’m going with this... it’s 5am and I’m awake, again. I need proper sleep. I know it sounds awfully stupid and weak, but I rely on proper sleep to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. No matter how good I am doing, when I get tired enough, I lose my mental strength and all the pain and exhaustion is able to breach the barrier all of a sudden. It sounds so over dramatic to say, but I get suicidal when I get tired. I just don’t have the strength to maintain that protective wall that I put up every day in order to keep going.

So I guess.. idk.. I’m struggling to sleep properly and it’s making my mental health nosedive (though the lack of sleep is just a symptom of the bigger issues I’m currently dealing with). It’s just another rodeo though... even if it doesn’t get easier or less painful, at least I get better at handling it and understanding and reading its patterns... but damn it, what I really need is just to be able to sleep, then I’d be more equipped to handle what’s going on. I’m so so so tired, and I still can’t sleep...

#personal #tw suicide

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