#idk siken always does it for me

[rollercoasterwords]

I saw your post about angst earlier and I thought "atydsp was the *angstiest* most miserable book I've ever read" (it's a compliment btw) and then I remembered that YOU wrote it. So, you being an angst lover and the writer of the angstiest thing I've read, I wanted to ask you for recs(?), If that's ok(?)

Just, what are the angstiest books/fics you've ever read? Like, stare-at-the-wall-and-cry-silently-for-hours, feel-numb-for-days, make-you-want-to-scream-like-your-first-born-died, kind of angst. And, if you want, even throw in there films, music, poems too,idk.

It's all about the feeling. I just want to get my soul ripped apart and bleed-out on the floor again:'(

If it's too much or if it's weird, I'm sorry and feel free to ignore me pls<3

look at me. look into my eyes. you are my favorite person on this website right now. i LOVE this question omg ok buckle up i'm making a list

rae's angstiest-of-all-time recs*:

*with the caveat that this is a subjective list, these are just things that made me, specifically, feel like crying and screaming and staring at the wall for whatever reason. not all of these are stories that end in tragedy; some have happy endings! but if it made me feel like my guts were being twirled around like spaghetti on a fork at some point then it made the list <3

fics:

hackery, by orphan_account i will keep yelling at people to read this until the day i die it is SO good and literally under 2k words u can finish it in like five minutes. go read it rn PLEASE i'm begging

a great, big tragedy by zeppazariel @mayzarbewithyou for all crimson rivers angst enjoyers <3 the au what-if-regulus-died ending

let the ghosts sleep tonight by outlaw_baby dorlene oneshot set during the first war SO beautiful i reread this all the time

zwischen immer und nie (between always and never) by sudowoodo an albus dumbledore/gellert grindelwald fic about the summer they fell in love. was recommended to me by a friend who knows i love angst and thought i would appreciate it. they were correct.

notes on a resurrection by newleaves perhaps my favorite fic of all time and one that was also recommended to me by a friend! this one has a happy ending but BOY does it take you on a ride to get there

that's the art of getting by by sarewolf @sarewolf one of my favorite fics ever <3 another happy ending but plenty of angst before we get there <3

choices by messermoon @little-shit-soph i mean i feel like i don't even need to say anything about this one but. yeah if ur looking for tragedy and angst this is a good place to go lmao

books

the feverwake duology, by victoria lee i don't think i've talked about this series before on my blog but it is one of my FAVORITES of all time oh god. it's so so so fucking good dystopian sci-fi magic plague war just. SUCH a cool concept and SUCH beautiful writing i've read it three times and might need to reread soon lol

teeth, by hannah moskowitz gay mermaid love story but like. in the absolute most fucked-up way possible. i love this book SO much hannah moskowitz is just one of my favorite writers of all time

a history of glitter and blood, by hannah moskowitz my favorite book! another story where you get a happy ending but the angst u go through to get there...exquisite

human acts, by han kang made me cry like a fucking baby. this is historical fiction based on very real events and interviews with people who experienced the gwangju uprising + massacre in south korea in 1980.

the song of achilles, by madeline miller another one that i feel like i don't even need to say anything about lol

crush, by richard siken poetry!! here's ur poetry rec. the richard siken hype is not a lie this book will gut you

the animorphs series, by k.a. applegate i am being 100% serious this is one of my favorite series of all time and i read it for the first time as an adult like. this is not childhood nostalgia it was too scary for me as a kid. genuinely changed the way i think about writing and truly is one of the best war stories i have ever read. the last book is gut-wrenching in a way that very little else i have come across is.

the hunchback of notre-dame, by victor hugo for the classics enjoyers <3 victor hugo is one of my favorite writers i was really into his books in high school lol

the man who laughs, by victor hugo not as well-known as his other work but i wrote a big research paper on this book one time so it holds a special place in my heart just bc i spent so much time with it

tv shows

banana fish (2018) outing myself as an occasional anime enjoyer lmao. i watched this bc i kept seeing people talk about how tragic it was and then i saw my sister watching it and i looked up a plot summary of what happens at the end and i was like huh that sounds interesting. and then i sat down to watch it KNOWING what was going to happen and i still like. was screaming crying by the end.

the haunting of bly manor (2020) just re-watched this show like two months ago and it is 2/2 on making me cry so!!

movies

children who chase lost voices (2011) this movie has a happy ending but like. idk man there's this one specific scene that just GETS me every time. always feel hollowed out but like...in a good way after watching it.

brokeback mountain (2005) i mean...do i need to say anything about this one? gay cowboy tragedy my beloved <3

the last unicorn (1982) watching this movie as a kid is i think what altered my brain chemicals and made me an angst enjoyer. so! had to put it on the list <3

and of course on a final note--as these are heavy angst + tragedy etc etc if u know there are things u need to watch out for please look up trigger warnings before diving in! they all contain content that is upsetting in some way...hence the angst. hopefully that doesn't even need to be said but. well an honest hard-working angst farmer needs to cover his bases sometimes doesn't he

also! tysm for the angst praise lol SO happy to hear that atydsp is one of the angstiest things you've read truly the highest form of praise 2 me <3

#ask #fic recs #atydsp #book recs

[gondolindon]

15 questions for friends

Thanks for tagging me @realmofautumn and @thebitchkingofangmar <3

Not tagging anyone this time as I feel like most people have done this already but if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged :)

Are you named after someone? Yeah, one of my names comes from my grandma who died before I was born.

When was the last time you cried? Hmm like cried cried? It's been a while, but I wept mildly just yesterday because I hurt my leg and was reminded of how we are fragile little mortals and my loved ones and I will all die and someone has to go first. *insert here that one richard siken quote, you know which one*

Do you have kids? No, except for my dog of course whom I call my son just for the funsies.

What sports do you play/have played? Horseback riding when I was younger, nowadays I mostly do running, yoga, and rock climbing (in the summer).

Do you use sarcasm? Yeah, quite a bit.

What the first thing you notice about people? Probably the overall appearance? Like, if they look friendly or not, do they remind me of anyone I know, stuff like that. And then maybe eyes, height.

What's your eye colour? Brown/hazel, depends on the lighting.

Scary movies or happy endings? I love both but if I have to choose I'm going with happy endings. Sorry but I'm a softie at heart and there's nothing like a good heartwarming ending after some tragic deaths etc.

Any talents? Eh, not really. I'd like to think I'm empathetic and good at seeing beauty in everything, but then again, I don't know if that counts as a talent.

Where were you born? Just a good ol' European hospital, free healthcare babey

What are your hobbies? Hiking, running, reading, writing, dog sports, skiing, yoga, climbing, games... I like to try out new things regularly so my list of hobbies is always updating. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm for most of the stuff I pick up tends to last for a few months max, so I'd say the first 5 or so on the list are the more regular ones.

Do you have any pet? Yes! A dog, 6-year-old border collie whom I would die for.

How tall are you? Tall, like 178cm/5'10'' or maybe even more Idk, haven't measured my height in years but something like that.

Favourite subject in school? All of the languages really but maybe English.

Dream job? I'm not sure if I have one. Maybe a poet. I do have a dream of living somewhere near the mountains in a cute house with lots of land where I could build an animal sanctuary and I would live there and take care of my little rescue animals and create art and write poetry and plant trees and host parties for my friends. Does that count?

#tag game

[arnold-layne]

hell yeah props to you for standing up for yourself! you're gonna figuratively kick his ass tomorrow (today now? idk). anyway, i've always wondered what your blog title is about? what starts with bloodshed? life? spn? fallout? the horrors? is it from something in particular?

Hahaha the lesson got cancelled because they needed crowd for a conference going on in the uni but he didn't show up at all so I assume he preferred to just skip the class instead of explaining how he fucked up 😂 my title is a line from a Richard Siken poem called "Driving, not washing" (being a spn fan comes together with being a siken enjoyer), but now that I think of it, everything you listed - life, spn, fallout - actually DOES start with bloodshed... you're making me think about things that I never spared much thought for and find meanings in places where I never even thought they exist. thank u 🥺

#yall should check out his poetry collection 'crush' its so. sooo.

[mushroomwriter]

(pt 1) "Atleast we can suffer together!" lol true! Gosh, that line (and tbh that whole scene with Sergio and Martín murders me of FEELS)... it's just so angsty cause it's not even the fact Andrés died, but he was also sick and Sergio knew that and he still never truly considered the possibility of his brother dying :(

BTW, what headcanon for the hermanos backstory do you subscribe to? I'm not sure when you first started the show, but I watched the show back when s3 was just released and in those days everyone subbed to the hc that they were half brothers, and there was this interview where Alvaro mentioned even more headcanons abt the bros (they shared a father, who abandoned Andrés for Sergio & his mom, then after he died Andrés appears on the scene and tells Sergio he is his brother, took care of him for medical treatment etc)... of course, 2 years later s5 seemingly retconned all that and just made them normal full(?) brothers growing up in the same household with both parents which I didn't appreciate very much lol. Anyway, just asking you that because some of my thoughts about the hermanos are influenced by my thoughts about their childhood - especially if Andrés raised Sergio as a kid, it makes everything so much more WORSE and heartbreaking cause of course he'd have grown up thinking his older brother is invincible almost, right? Interested to know what you think!!

(pt 2) Yeah all but one of my exams are done with... meh I've been pretty miserable but thank you for all your kind wishes! You're so right, if Andrés just mentioning Sergio makes us feel things, I can't even imagine what a whole scene with them together again would do!! I miss Sergio too 🥲 Once again, feel free to take your time and wait for the inspo, I actually came across an angsty quote that might fit the Scene that shall not be Named and since you love pain, I will tell you. "I wanted to fall down right there but I knew you wouldn't catch me because you're dead." - Richard Siken. Don't think about how as Andrés fell, Sergio was also falling in Helsinki's arms. (Also please don't feel like I'm forcing you to make a gifset with the quote or anything, I'm sorry if it comes across that way I just wanted to share for the #hermanos angst) I have no words for your next para but just. yes. I agree with everything you said. I will never get over the fact he literally tried to run back into the (idk how many metres long) tunnel himself despite knowing the police were on the other side and it would almost definitely lead to capture but Sergio was willing to risk all that just to get his brother to safety :( (pt 3) "When they're together, they're a big brother and a little brother" I knowww 🥺🥺 it makes me so SOFT. I'm with Andrés, how can you possibly eat breakfast when the world's most precious hermanito is not there yet? That scene when he wakes up Sergio is so sweet, Sergio looks so adorable and just the fond amusement Andrés has when he picks up the book "did you stay up late studying again" and how gentle he is when waking him up, Sergio also does not startle in the slightest, in that small moment you can see how familiar they are, how much they both love and trust each other, your honour I LOVE THEM!! Ah the Toledo house always makes me think how they spent those 5 months pretending to be strangers, I mean you can't tell me that Sergio was also not taking every excuse he can to spend more time with his brother (it's DEFINITELY to discuss important plans with the heist Captain!) but I like to imagine Sergio also took care of Andrés in secret, helping him with the meds and stuff... despite everything, Andrés did have a clock running out and they both knew it :( On another sidenote, I've been wanting to write a oneshot of the bros in Toledo since like 2020 but I never got around to it LOL so thank you once again for letting me ramble abt the heist brothers to you Oh god yes, those lyrics truly come straight for the heart and make Sergio's grief infinitely worse! Awww I'm glad you enjoy my thoughts (and I hope you haven't regretted your invitation yet) Haha, you should probably put this one under a cut too, how do these things always get so long??? Truly the hermanos live rent free in my head... but you're right it's great the Range of thoughts they give us from sheer tragedy to happy little childhood memories asdfjsk. YES IT'S THE CUTEST EVER and Alvaro plays it so well :') Comfort scene of all time to me <3 No, thank you for your patience and just being so lovely!! As always, it gives me so much serotonin to talk with you abt the heist bros ❤ Have a great day/week whenever you see this!! (also I hope you got all 3 parts, my wifi is being so weird rn 😭 I can't imagine how confusing it would be to get only 1 half or someth, anyway. pls ask me to resend if tumblr did in fact disappear an ask)

So true (that scene really leaves me on the floor suffering!!)... he knew and yet... at the very least he was convinced they were going to have time after the heist (the scene where he's giving instructions to the other band members about where they'll live etc. always gets me because he was supposed to go somewhere with Andrés...)

About the hermanos' childhood, I feel like I'm an outlier there 😅 because I learned of that headcanon later, I don't remember exactly when, for sure after watching season 3, and season 3 gave me the impression they were full brothers, because I think we get scenes where Andrés refers to their mother and to their father in a way that made me go, okay, so they share both parents. You know, the scene where he tells Sergio he's got mom's disease and the scene where he asks him where did dad go wrong when he robbed the bank... So when after that I saw that interview I didn't really embrace (? I don't know how to say that lol) the half-brothers headcanon because the show had already given me another impression. On the other hand, I immediately accepted the idea of Andrés bringing Sergio to Russia where he got the cures he needed (also because lol that's a point they never clarified in the show, right? How he ended up healing). That said, I really like the potential and implications of the half-brothers headcanon too... like, for example, as you said, Andrés basically raising Sergio. I think you can kinda work that into the full-brothers scenario as well, though maybe not quite at the same level, because if their parents already had trouble with medical expenses for Sergio when they both were there, once their mother was alone I imagine she really had to bury herself into work, which left Andrés in a position to really have to take care of Sergio... also as I mentioned I believe he was the one who found that hospital in Russia where Sergio could be cured, and found a (probably not very legal) way to take him there and so on... and at this point I like to play with both options and confront them and see like, okay, in half-brothers scenario Andrés probably resented their mother for abandoning him while in full-brothers scenario he ended up resenting her because she couldn't take proper care of them and (probably especially) because she failed to come up with a way to save Sergio's life, Andrés had to take matters into his own hands. And I think it's super interesting that he doesn't end up resenting Sergio (which I think he could have easily done in both scenarios! Like, in half-brothers scenario because he was abandoned for him, and in full-brothers scenario I have to imagine his unhealthy little brother received a lot more attentions!) One thing I think we get more intensely in the half-brothers scenario is that taking care of Sergio is really a Choice, like he really didn't have to and still!

Oh, and regardless of scenarios, I really love the idea of Andrés being the one who ultimately saved Sergio's life, it's possible that at some point doctors in their hometown were a bit resigned about him not making it but Andrés was like NO. And he did save him! I bet he's ferociously proud of that, and maybe it's another think that makes him feel especially protective of his hermanito (and makes Sergio feel like Andrés can do ANYTHING).

I see, at least you're almost done... ugh, I'm so sorry, I get it... I hope once you get rid of that last one too you'll feel a bit better... Gosh, I would probably never ever stop screaming if we get a new hermanos scene! And HOLY HELL, that quote fits the whole thing so well, I feel sick! Literally literally Sergio falling but he's not falling in his brother's arms, his brother isn't there anymore... no, absolutely, don't worry, it goes without saying that I appreciate the #hermanos angst, and suggestions about quotes that could fit them are always welcomed (I mean, as of right now I wouldn't know how to make a gifset with it but maybe by turning it over and over in my head I'll get an idea...)!! Also, I actually got inspiration for a gifset about them, finally!!! from another Richard Siken's quote, no less (he was really writing about them lmao), like I'm still not completely sure of which scenes to use, but I do have an idea, I hope it'll work :D

Oh god that's true. Oh man he really tried to run into that tunnel, no matter how crazy that was... I cry!!

It's trueee, that scene where Andrés wakes Sergio up OVERFLOWS with familiarity, it's so clear it's not the first time he had to wake his little brother up after he stayed up late to study and had to pick up some book Sergio left lying around... he's so fondly amused!! Please and now I'm smiling so much at the idea of Sergio coming up with Very Important Topics He Needs to Discuss with The Heist Captain... and I wonder how many times they were the last ones left in a room (a mere coincidence, of course!)... and yeah, I bet Sergio also played the Finding Many Small Ways To Take Care Of You game, this is making me emotional! Hehe I'm happy I gave you the chance to talk about these things, if you ever get around to write that please let me know (if you want to of course)

I definitely don't regret my invitation, when I saw your new messages I was like yessss! Oh right, at this point the ability to put things under a cut is my friend sjsjsjsk but I feel you, I can't get them out of my head!!

Don't mention it!! Talking with you about the hermanos is such a serotonine boost, and honestly I very much needed that, the last few weeks have been pretty tiring! Thank you, I hope you do too, despite that accursed exam! Please take care! (Also as you can see all three parts made it safely to my inbox, thankfully!)

#p #my askbox

[afaramir]

for the ao3 wrapped!! 1, 6, 28! (also you are not alone in believing you can finish one more thing. i am also doing that :P)

happy (newly i guess, for u!) new year anna!!! waving at u NOT from the google doc! we did it! we finished the one more thing! [ao3 wrapped]

1. How many words have you written this year?

nearly 14k (13,924 to be exact) published and at least 6-7k more of wips! tragically my least prolific year since uhhhhhhhh a long time. 2017? but thats ok it was a hard year all that matters is that i survived<3 im proud of myself for what i did bc im in that kinda moment where im relearning how to write and reengaging the creative part of my brain. and next year will be better!! i have a lot of plans and a wip list as long as a cvs receipt<33

6. Favorite title you used

this one is actually your body drowning in gravity! i havent reread it in a long long while (aside: wow i was a totally different person when i wrote that (i published it jan 3)) bc my brain has temporarily been caught by other things. but it was an idea that i'd been turning over in my head for over a year at the time when i wrote it and i think i saw the richard siken poem that the title is from (it's "the dislocated room" btw) on my dash in the middle of the writing process and it was like. Perfect. like i choose all my titles very carefully but this one really knocks it out of the park. when the fic is literally about tanner thinking mallory is the one that's fallen from the top of the cns building at the end of spectre and not knowing until the body hits the ground.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

OUGHHH this is hard. Ough. ok i DO think it's just so long as this thing's loaded. im chronically an "i wrote this for me but you can read it if you want" guy bc i have rarepair disease. if i want to read it i have to be the one to write it. but this fic was really an exercise in like. getting weird with it. remembering that u cannot judge ur creation by any possible bad faith interpretation of it. letting myself write the kind of wildly unhinged horny possessive devotion that eats the inside of my brain but ive never been able to put on the page bc of the Fear of like ohhh that would be sooo bad in real life. dude theyre. not real. idk im not good at that sort of thing the panopticon inside my mind is sometimes kind of crazy. but like yeah actually they do think the power dynamic is hot. yeah nick made jasper fake betraying him obviously here is this situation where jasper comes back to nick after his faked death and both of them are pretending not to know the betrayal wasn't real. its just roleplay 2 them. sorry to quote a line in this already extremely long answer but like "The only thing he wants to keep is right here at his side and hasn’t that been the point of all of this, the knife to his throat and the blood in his kiss and the slow simmer of barely leashed desire. Jasper has come to him like this, the traitor slinking his guilty way home, to show Nick the lengths to which he would go for him. To which he has always gone for him, giving up everything to play Nick’s triple agent, just what the Director ordered." is literally the thesis statement of the whole thing. Anyway

also its the kind of fic where every line is trying to be The Line which...is a quirk of my writing style that comes out every now and then that im usually (for good reason tbh) always trying to cut back on. but this...Needed It. sometimes the prose DOES need to be purple. and i had fun. it was really fun dude lol i had a great time

#from the inbox #potatoesandsunshine #this is sooooo long sorry #i just love 2 talk about my fic..... #my writing

[compo67]

12, 13 and 40 for the weird writing asks, please! (I love these too!)

Hello anon!

Thank you, thank you! :D (So glad to know you love these, too.)

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules.

Ooh these are always so tough.

I would wish that I could control the volume of anywhere I'm writing. Sometimes the library and cafes get really loud, and I don't always have my headphones with me/want to wear them. It would be awesome if I could turn up and down the volume of the noise around me.

I'd wish for a house. A cozy place I could call home and write in. I'd ask for a room for writing, a room for guests, a room for illustration, and a library. If I could also have bay windows and fireplaces, that would be wonderful. And if it could also be located near (not on) a body of water, I'd love that.

I'd wish for a laptop that I could upgrade or change (and replace) at any time, without cost. Do I need a new processor? Done. Bigger screen? Done. Smaller screen? Boom. Two screens? Why not! Dropped it? Broke it? No worries, it'll fix itself.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

It's incredibly difficult for me to write about amnesia. Idk why but I just have never been able to write it, despite a few attempts. I think it's the consent issue, even though I've written (a lot of) non-con before. Amnesia just feels different to me. I also find body horror tough to write. It takes some serious effort on my part to write that. I've always struggled with writing about police/military and will not write it anymore.

What's easier to write for me is slice of life stuff. I love finding moments of the mundane that end up meaning a lot. I want whatever I'm writing to feel like a Studio Ghibli movie, where you find beauty in everyday things. It's easy for me to write domestic scenes.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

Oh my goodness, just one?! Okay. Let's see. I'll go with trusty Richard Siken, with his poem, "Wishbone." My favorite line is: "If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand." You can read the whole poem here.

And because I can't give you just one, I'm going to give you a poem I would love to have tattooed on me one day. It's so short, I'll post it here:

“she asked ‘you are in love, what does love look like’ to which i replied ‘like everything i’ve ever lost come back to me.”

—Nayyirah Waheed, Salt

Thank you, anon! This was truly a pleasure to answer. <3

-Cal

#cal answers

[ijustcantfigureout]

!!! got tagged by @ijustthinkevilunoisneat, thank you!

I tag whoever is in the mood of doing this and you have to answer those 15 questions:

Nickname: Nim, Nimmy, Bu (pronounced "Boo") and Biscuit (the air dry clay, not the food).

Sign: Capricorn but most of the other things is in aquarius. i'll be honest and say i don't really know what it means.

Height: 1,56 m or 1,58, can't remember now.

Last thing I googled: ao3

Song stuck in my head: paper moon (the one from the op from soul eater)

Number of followers: nah, not gonna tell, but not many, thankfully

Amount of sleep: hm. 3 hours.

Dream job: like, for real real, with feet in reality, public server in the area of the bachelor i'm working to get/screenwriter/studio editor; slightly floating is animator/illustrator; and unreal, flying out of the atmosphere is professional musician/comic artist.

Wearing: stars pattern t-shirt, black denim cuffed jogger pants, denim jacket with big flowers embroided in the back and black sport boots.

Movies/Books that can summarize me: idk this questions are always weird to me because i usually relate to characters not whole narratives that, usually, have a bunch of characters, you know? but if i had to choose... this makes more sense if you had asked songs, would still be difficult but less so. i want to say the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy bu-- ok after saving it as a draft and Reflecting, it goes something like:

Megamind

The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy (Books)

Stardust (Movie)

Little Brother (Book)

Hot Fuzz

Inside Llewyn Davis

Whiplash (don't worry about it)

Journey to the Center of the Earth (Book)

Favourite Song: blindblindblind by silver mt. zion, guyamas sonora AND gulag orkestar orkestar by beirut, terrible love AND rylan by the national, esú by baco exu do blues, danse macabre - camille saint-saës, from here to utopia (song for the desperate) by ramshackle glory, sailor waltz by josh garrels, romeo by thiago pethit and helio flanders, lavínia by guido, pills and good advice by left at london, i can change by ezra furman, se tiver que ser na bala vai by vanguart, big bad wolf by shakey graves, hoje eu vou sair by maglore, the horror and the wild (live) by the amazing devil, separate and ever deadly by the last shadow puppets, progress by idles, luther by de staat, fire walker by black rebel motorcycle club, wolf like me by tv on the radio, and etc. (sorry i didn't realize i had put those many until i opened it on the pc. i was going to put some more tbh but whatever)

Around the World in 80 Days (Book)

Treasure Planet

Favourite instrument: to listen, violin. to play, bass.

Aesthetic: nerdy librarian who is also a goth/punk wannabe

Favourite Authors: why do you make such hard questions, ugh. guimarães rosa, cory doctorow, álvaro de campos (heteronym of fernando pessoa), siken (don't bully me), anne carson, jorge luis borges, douglas adams, clarice lispector, jules verne. i really should read more.

Random Fun Fact: hmmmmm, like about me or the world? me: i can do this thing with my thumbs that make them look dislocated. the world: can't think of anything now. there's grafitti in impossible places and i love it. really cool stuff. does it count?

OK ending transmission c:

#long post #tag game

[xue-mei]

there was this wangxian fic i read once that i cant seem to find again but like, lwj gets possessed by a ghost or demon who consumes his love for wwx and at one point, it went, “can’t you share? he’s got so much love for you. it’s bottomless.” and like God, if anyone knows what fic that is, please… but also, it reminds me of that richard siken poem

#wangxian #mdzs #PLEASE IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT FIC IM TALKING ABOUT #PLEASE TELL ME #IVE BEEN TRYING TO LOOK FOR IT W NO AVAIL #anyway this siken poem is sikening bc of what it does to me which is worsen my mental illness #that line from live from new york where lz goes idk how to do things by halves #he DOESNT #i love that about him actually #and it breaks my heart too #his love for wy always feels enormous #all consuming #wangxian vibes esp from lz’s pov is very unique #i look at it and it feels extremely large and when i read that fic i understood exactly what they meant

[lune1004]

for the longest time, when push comes to shove, ive always thought that it’d be megumi, to execute yuuji at the end. partly bc it reminds me of “you’re going to die in your best friend’s arms. and you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down, you’ve memorized it, it’s all you know.” by richard siken, planet of love.

but jjk 144 might change my mind, when he told yuuta that if sukuna were to come out, yuuta should kill him. to me, it wasnt a testament to megumi’s strength nor his distrusts in megumi / megumi’s strength. its just, if sukuna were to come out and he started to chase megumi, then yuuji is helpless. what can yuuji do at the moment? the fact that he kept saying, “sukuna is plotting sth involving fushiguro.” twice now means that hes really really aware of the situation, and he tried to leave megumi at first, he really did, tried to run away to save / protect him from sukuna. [i wanna say that also just shows their bond, but idk how megumi thinks of ever killing yuuji, you know. i dont know if he could do it] resigned to the fact, actually. but like even at his worst (dealing with the shibuya aftermath, dealing with gojo being sealed, dealing with the realisation of what sukuna did whilst he took over, dealing with the info that sukuna might do sth to megumi, dealing with the higher ups wanting him dead, having to swallow and compartmentalize his grief), even faced with the thought of dying, he thinks of megumi first? when megumi asked, when megumi begged for yuuji to save him, he implicitly said yes to megumi’s wish to save him, explicitly said that if sukuna were to come out (and potentially does sth to megumi), yuuta should straight up kill him. and thats so? hes gonna die for megumi. FOR. he wasnt thinking of himself, he was putting others before himself. he was putting megumi before him. hes ready to die if it meant everyone else is safe, if it meant megumi is safe, unharmed. but in a roundabout way, thats kinda the same as dying in megumi’s arms right?

#itafushi #fushiita #jjk 144 #jjk spoilers #otp: sunshine boy and moon prince #everytime i think about yuuji’s execution / dying #my brain shuts down #if i dont make any sense #then well yeah sorry its all scattered #jjk manga spoilers

[catboylupin]

hii!! I reread eclipse and transit and it reminded me of you r/s who loves who more post and I have So Many Thoughts.

In reference to who loves who more: I definitely agree that Remus loved Sirius more, but I also think that (during the first war) Sirius was wayy more invested in the relationship. Here's the thing 1) Sirius spends most of the first war trying to accept the fact that he'll probably have to kill his family, and I think he feels really guilty for leaving Regulus behind; plus, he's (sort of?) losing James. Remus is honestly all he has, and I think (because of his insane abandonment issues) Sirius thinks he has to do Everything he can to keep Remus around. I also think that this is why he never confronts Remus about being the traitor, because he's really projecting what happened with Regulus onto him, and he thinks that if he loves him enough, Remus will stay for Him. It's a very "I can fix him" mentality. (sort of going off topic, I also think that this is why he goes crazy and tries to murder Peter after the whole thing, because to Sirius, that's another person he couldn't get to stick around). Sirius loves Remus, but more than that he needs Remus to love him/convince him that he's enough. 2) Anyways, moving onto Remus: yeah he loved Sirius more, but I think he was very much on edge during their relationship; waiting for Sirius to end it, ruin everything etc. I think Remus has this really complicated relationship with power (he's felt powerless for most of his life), and on some subconscious level he feels guilty/shameful for loving Sirius, because of the whole Prank thing. I don't think Remus ever really forgives Sirius for the prank (not until the second war), and that's always hanging over their relationship. This is why I think he's terrible at giving Sirius what he needs (it's like that Siken quote, "if you love me Henry, you dont love me in a way I understand"). I think he spends most of their relationship holding back because he doesnt want to give Sirius the power of knowing that he loves him.

Both of them think that they love the other person more, and both of them dont trust the other person to love them enough. Like yeah, Remus loves Sirius more but Sirius NEEDS Remus more. Like if they broke up, Remus would survive, but Sirius would go off the rails etc.

ALSO, moving onto a slightly diff topic (sorry this got long, I'd just LOVE to know what you think, tenderlupin favorite blog my beloved <3) I think that for their relationship to work, they have to break up atleast once. In any AU ever, they're insanely toxic when they initially get together and there's alot of insecurity over where they stand with each other (does that make sense?). Their relationship during the lie low at lupin's era is definitely healthier (which is saying something, considering the circumstances) and I love love love fluorescentgrey's take on it (grounded my beloved). And yeah, they keep ending up together, but it's not because theyre perfect for each other but because they literally cannot escape each other.

It's very soulmates, red string of fate etc.

- remusgirlbosslupin xoxo

hiiii oml this was such a Gift to wake up to and i basically agree with you/ think this is a very interesting interpretation of their relationship. and it’s funny you mention eclipse and transit because there has been a discussion as to why Anyone would want to read a Fic In Which One of Them Cheats.... and idk i just like things that r a little harrowing/ when remus gets to be a massive asshole.

Anyways i think you’re right in that they both have commitment/ abandonment issues, and that sirius brought a lot of his familial baggage into the relationship. a lot of his obsessive feeling towards remus stemmed from his deep and soul crushing love for him, but also this rabid need to be loved/ love others, he sort of had a hard time being alone. and we see from his relationship with tonks that remus is afraid of being loved. i don’t think that remus would handle a break up better than sirius would— like as afraid he is about being vulnerable/ letting himself be loved, he still derives so much of his happiness/ self worth from being loved (as demonstrated by how he’s described in an old photo of the order shown to harry, that he looks so so happy just to have friends/ be accepted). and yeah: i think that the war really took a toll on james and sirius’ friendship (i think james grew up faster than sirius did, and sirius sort of felt left behind)

when they first started off, they were very insecure about where they stood with each other (is it just about sex? does he actually love me? are we only doing this because of the war?). and YES they needed to have broken up at least once... and it’s heavily implied in the books that remus became very distant from the others near the end of everything, and i think that included being distant from sirius... but their relationship during the second war was a lot different/ healthier (like you said, grounded by fluorescentgrey my beloved!!!)

so yeah i don’t have much to add!!! thank you!!! that was super interesting/ big brained and brought up a lot of things i hadn’t thought abt before !!🍊💕 💌

#sorry that this is all poorly worded/ not very insightful!!! but i love thinking about all the ways in which their relationship was. um. #influenced by their respective backgrounds. #i might have more to add later when i am more. awake. #long post #sorry idk how to add breaks on mobile #asks #meta

[visibleworldd]

often find myself thinking of the line in wishbone where siken is like i’ll turn myself into a gun because it’s all i have, because i’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. i always get stuck on it because it’s so visceral and impactful to me but i don’t really completely know what it means?

like i understand how it matches up with the earlier metaphor of like taking a bullet for henry but what does it mean, “i just want something to call my own?” is he saying that by turning himself into an object of destruction, he’s kind of separating himself/his identity from henry, the “victim?” but even that doesn’t make sense because like.. by making yourself a gun or an aggressor it you’re linking yourself to your victims. your identity isn’t your own, it’s linked to those who you hurt..

idk this literally makes zero sense but i’m always thinking about it

#richard siken

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

author self interview

some of my best friends were doing this thing & said they’d like to see me do the thing, so i am here, doing the thing on the only really active fandom sideblog i have!

fandoms: uh, i think the most notable ones have been harry potter, it (yes, the clown movies), good omens, hsm, and... gossip girl. voila. the first fanfic i ever wrote was an artemis fowl fanfic though. i was like, 12. fandoms i am GOING to get into (hopefully) include the witcher, which im watching for the first time right now, and skulduggery pleasant, which has been recced to me over the years too many times for me to NOT read it.

most popular multi-chapter fic: my hsm fic “boyfriendly” for SURE. i always feel sorry about the people who read that one and go “oh got to check out the rest of this dude’s works” and get hit in the face by my triple digit gg fic count, while the number of hsm fics i have up is... 9. whoops.

favorite story you’ve written so far: listen, all my stories are my babies.... but that said...  the lights that stop me (turn to stone), i think? - more commonly referred to by me as “the blennyfic”. i didn’t even ship blair/jenny at the time, but writing this fic changed that for me. i wanted to write an authentic, honest, SORTED post-canon jenny humphrey, and this story just... ended up going in a certain direction organically, and i just followed it, so that’s something special about it. it was also, at the time of writing, one of the longest commitments i had made in the sense of like - i hadn’t worked as hard or consistently at a single piece of writing in years.  so the fact that i still could.... idk. it’ll always be special to me. 

fic you were nervous to post: hmmm. hard to answer this, i think i’m going to go with it’s not the end (it’s an uncomfortable pause) mostly because i’d spoken about this fic with so many people and shared snippets and blogged about it and there was this quiet thing inside me of like, “what if it does not live up to the hype!” but everyone left really sweet comments on there, and it was validating and set that fear to rest. my partner also read over the whole thing once and said it worked well, and my partner is like. the ONE person who gives me the most blatantly honest, sometimes even harsh, concrit on my writing, so that was validating, too. 

how do you choose your titles: depends on the fic! sometimes, like with “you set my soul alight” it just.. falls into place - in that case, the title is a reference to the song the fic occurs around. sometimes it’s just lyrics or siken quotes. sometimes, like with “as vanilla as a dominatrix” it’s just me offering commentary on what the fic will contain, wink wonk. 

do you outline: for longfic, yes! i ALWAYS forget the details. which isn’t a big deal if i am writing a simple oneshot that i can finish within a week, but the moment something gets bigger and becomes a long term project, i try to outline. let it be known i don’t always succeed. but i DO try.

complete:  not sure what this is asking tbh. 

do you accept prompts: i did for a bit and then the executive dysfuntion hit and i now i am scared to go back, haha. RIP, me. 

upcoming story you’re most excited to write about: already planned the next installment of the nonbinary dan series. also a s4 au that REALLY looks at nate’s parents’ divorce (& involves danhugs for sure.) also the serenessate fic that i am 75% done with but haven’t finished writing yet (whoops.) i am also HOPING to get started writing a blairnessa au.... let’s see how that goes.

stories you’re most excited to read:  whenever part 2 of @mezzoklutz‘s fic “if the choice were mine to make” drops... i will also drop...  catch me fainting like a victorian maiden in an ill-fitting corset. it’s going to be so good!

no pressure tags: anyone & everyone who follows me who is a writer. it doesn’t matter if you’re not in this fandom, even. i was gonna tag people but then got worried about the people i would potentially forget or miss out. so! if you see this and you write, your turn! 

#personal #putting this in #fic progress

[literaphobe]

I finished watching she-ra yesterday! I decided to watch it after seeing your posts on my dash a lot and watched the whole thing in just over a week. Can you recommend some more she-ra blogs to follow?

i’ve recced blogs before but i barely knew anyone back when i did that. this time i know a couple more people and even tho im not like miss popular nor do i talk to every one i’ll do a blog rec that’s a tiny bit more thorough! (disclaimer, this is low key in order of people that showed up on my blog aka i reblogged something from them etc hgdfjsd not according to like. how much i love them or anything)

@catradoraism mmm i’m p sure i indirectly rec jules as a blog a few times every day, because of how i sometimes. talk about her. anyway i hate jules! but she does have a really great blog, she makes very good posts and is very talented. she can draw and write really well, and is just a lot more talented than me. follow her u will regret it but do it anyway <3

@catralatina mar is unfairly big brained. they are galaxy brained and make incredible posts and they get really good asks too! so if you’re looking for a blog who’s got good rapport w their followers, look no further! also they are a talented writer and i saw some of their art it’s good. one time they posted a picture from an atla comic and i thought they drew it. it was very embarrassing <3 but yes if you’re not following them u should!!

@catralovesgirls yo definitely follow izzy!! he has excellent takes and i’m like scrolling through his top posts section right now and it’s like impeccable. mine are hm! well! but if you’re following me following izzy would definitely be a step up <3 he also writes fic and i uh admittedly have not read any (sorry i have read like less than 20 catradora fics :( all of which came from page 1-2 of the tag filtered according to kudos. i’m still working on this oneshot but i will def check out his fics when i’m done and so should u all!) 

@catheriaa yes follow cath!!!!! cath said adora hair down jacket open rights! cath said good posts rights! ur takes are very good congratulations on making excellent meta with excellent points <3 also ur post about the inherent rivalry of people with adora icons vs people with catra icons FGHHGH 

@mer-mystery is like straight up excellent. good posts, good reblogs! for some reason i will definitely always list them if u ask me for good she-ra blogs. also like that url. inspired. literally just look at mine n u know immediately who is quality and who isn’t. i also think she leaves great tags, so it’s a treat when she reblogs one of my terrible posts <3 

@gfshera karlie is quality!! love her takes love her posts love her tags. things i remember about her aside from this is her new girl au and the one time i reblogged some incorrect killing eve post and she immediately made it into a bfs post, which i wanted to make but didn’t know how. so clearly they are smarter than me <3 although being smarter than me. not the highest praise gdfhsdj

@swordlesbean one of those. god tier blogs. intimidating but in a good way, they write Meta™ and its very articulate and thorough and well put together!! they’ll link to like past meta within one meta sometimes and its like they’re sourcing their work and its kinda cool ngl!! 

@marahoping YES definitely follow kenna!!!!! love her gifs like so much it’s the chef’s kissness of it all....... also will post other good things not just gifs, very entertaining blog in general to follow!

@horde-princess yeah!!!! Big Love for their content and posts and they got sick ass meta and they write fic!! (once again i am not sure i have read the fic of anyone listed here. i am very sorry. i know, i should be lynched) very very worth the follow. very value for money <3

@scorpia a perfect character url? how are u not already hitting that follow button. no they are not hogging the url. they run a full very good blog too! definitely makes good posts of a variety of types, like meta, funnie stuff, and this one richard siken post because bro...

@catriadora a great gif maker! scrolled through some of their top posts and they made some gifs/sets that i really liked! you’ll love her too!

@homophobicshadowweaver very funny posts in the top posts section ghdfjshfds also eleanor has read the she-ra books? the ones that like that letter from adora to catra came from? and i remember seeing ur posts about it and it was really fun to follow :) also that url. incredible. just by having that url u prove ur funnier than most people on here congratulations

@egirlcatra i really like u a lot ghdfjsdhdfsj def has good tags and takes and very fun to interact with <3 go send them asks! 

@appsa i like LOVE their art and also they are so fun to interact with! they have other good posts too obviously and they have funny tags and buddy. once again love ur art its good as well as being very funny i need like so much more of it 

think i will stop here now. my apologies if i follow u and left u out, or if i recced u last time and forget to rec u again ghdfsjfhd. also there are some people i follow that i wanted to rec but their blogs aren’t fully she-ra so i decided not to? idk. this took a while so ya definitely follow these blogs, and to these blogs have a nice day keep doing you <3 

#ask #i used some of ur names sorry if thats not ok u can just tell me n i'll remove #also if i got anyone's pronouns feel free to scold me about that too #uh..... if you think u deserve to be recced but weren't #idk what to say #seduce me or something #we'll see what we can do! lmao #also to the people recced sorry if i didn't talk about ur blogs properly or well enough or i said something too wild #unless this made u happy then haha ur welcome uwu #anyway i should stop talking in the tags now bye! #clueless-human

[your-ace-cousin-clover]

hey, this one's gonna be long, so grab a chair and a snack.

first of all i wanna say thanks for the poetry recommendations! (I'll keep the anti-love poems and postcard from the heartbreak hotel in my back pocket, just in case...) always glad to expand my to-read list! :))

moving on: to be honest, no, i haven't read a lot of eastern poetry - mostly due to my past conviction of "reading translations sucks". but i've read translations of some arabic poems recently and there's sort of a melancholy that sneaks up with it? see, my grandfather on my dad's side is iraqi, but my dad never taught me arabic, so i'm always partly grieving a hypothetical what-could've-been.

anyway, i've checked out some stuff by tagore (& darwish)!

on tagore: i read "gitanjali 35" & loved the line "Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake." feels like a dam bursting open. i rly enjoyed "crossing 16" and "on the seashore" too! idk, but it feels like the last line in tagore's poems is the first breath you take after you finish running a mile? does that make sense?

on darwish: i especially liked passport & he is quiet and so am i! darwish seems like a very storyteller-ish kinda poet? and i like the rhythm of his writing; it's very.... alive? like if i stare at it too long it'll blink.

also, i gotta agree with you on ginsberg! i love, love, love vivid poetry and i used to really want to study film - because writing seemed (to me at least) like it lacked the visual aspect?

to answer your question about siken: you are jeff definitely hits hard, but i think planet of love might be my favorite. it's hard to pick just one, but something about the director/actor dynamic really speaks to me. the certainty of "you know your lines" & "you've memorized it" juxtaposed with the general sense of uncertainty throughout the poem feels very real? its choppy, the sentences are short, "there's a gun in your hand. it feels hot. it feels oily." there's a gun in your hand and each sentence is a bullet wound. and the way it ends! it builds and builds and builds suspense but there's no resolution, it's just tense. it asks whats next? and never answers the question. it just hits the brakes - suddenly you're rigid and frozen in time. it's being trapped in a fraction of a second and "everyone's watching, everyone's curious, everyone's holding their breath." and i didn't always like it, but somewhere along the line i started having panic attacks and it REALLY grew on me lmao

this ask is getting long, so i'm gonna end it here, but thanks again!

P.S.: would you maybe be up for giving me a poetry prompt? i could send you the poem in another ask. (might be fun)

-cat

Cat! :)

First of all, I want to complement your style of describing things. It's so poetic. Tagore like "the first breath you take after you finish running a mile" and Darwish like "very storyteller-ish kinda poet and rhythm of his writing; it's very.... alive". AGHHH, I squealed reading those lines, like what???? That is so fucking raw (Sorry for cursing, but ahhhh). You are poet in the way you just like talk about things.

Also, quick side note, I'm glad that the poems are in your back pocket. Hope you never have to turn to them, due to their nature, but if you ever do, I hope they help.

I'm glad you like Darwish and Tagore. "My father led my country awake" always punches me in the gut. It's so strong and emotive. I sympathise with you about the language barrier. I suck at speaking languages other than English, but I'm not a native english speaker. So even I want to enjoy poetry in languages than English, I have to read the translations which puts a damper on it. But, God bless translations, I love the way you described it in your last post that makes them seem so pure and the fact that someone weighted all these words to convey a human emotion across a pages and across ages is just.. mwah.

Ginsberg is my shit. (Again sorry!) The openings lines of Howl hit my Christian Iconography Yearning, like the vivid imagery..? "angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night," I vibe with that feeling of wanting to reach divinity and holiness with your writing. The raw, exposed nerve of that writing.

And before like I got heavy into poetry, I also felt the same way about how 2d writing can be. But, then you have things that help transcend the page like : slam poetry or hybrid forms which combine writing with more dynamism like choreopoetry. But even within itself, poetry transcends the page, by drawing out emotion and just speaking to you. This was a piece I read a while ago that has performances online and is very acclaimed : "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide / When the Rainbow Is Enuf." (Although it deals with very heavy topics though so heavy tw)

And I read Planet of Love! The abrupt way it ends just hits you so strongly and absolutely leaves you frozen. Have you read "Wishbone" or "A Primer for Small Weird Loves"? Both hit very strongly as well.

And I'd absolutely love to give you a prompt: "Saint Valentines". Does that work?

[And don't worry about long asks, they are funny to read through and answer :)))) ]

Look forward to hearing from you and reading the poem! Prompt poetry is pretty fun!

#Cat anon #Clover speaks #tw suicide reference #poetry

[canonicallyanxious]

2, 4 and 7 :)

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

Hoo boy this sure is a question and a half huh. i guess it mostly boils down to: i write fanfic bc i think it’s fun as hell! i love overanalyzing stories and characters, i love re-imagining stories and characters in different contexts, i love figuring out what would stay the same and what would change, so really fic is kind of the perfect playground for my overanalytical lit major brain to go apeshit. also i think writing fic, particularly since it’s not for any sort of monetary gain, is for me a really low-pressure way of doing something that i love. i’ve come to the realization that where i currently am in life i need writing to stay something enjoyable and entirely for me, and i can’t do that if i’m trying to monetize it. that might change later in life, but where i am rn that’s what works best for me. 

tl;dr fic is fun and i can write whatever the hell i want! it’s very nice.

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Absolutely! Non-exhaustive list of published writers:

Neil Gaiman

Hanya Yanagihara

James Baldwin

Benjamin Alire Saenz

Celeste Ng

Richard Siken

And non-exhaustive list of fic writers:

@boxesfullofthoughts​ [cynical_optimist on ao3] - my dearest and oldest friend, my drift-compatible brain partner, quite possibly the only person i will ever collaborate on any writing thing ever - no one inspires me more than you Bry!

@juilawicker​ [iriswests on ao3] - i swear to god ceecee is one of the most talented writers i have the privilege of knowing full stop. idk how she does any of the things that she does with words but i thank her gladly every day that she does them

paratactician and attentionmerrymakers on ao3 - homestuck writers who i consider as formative to my writing journey as the likes of Gaiman and Saenz [huge influences on my writing since I was a teenager]

[I’m definitely missing a ton of folks off both those lists but this is just off the top of my head]

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

i have a list for this question too!

Action scenes - there is very little i struggle with more than visualizing the physicality of my characters, particularly in the service of Plot, so action scenes that need to be dynamic and interesting and full of suspense are not my forte

Physical descriptions/settings - similar to with action scenes, i’m just not very good at visualizing the physicality of specific locations or objects. my strength lies more in a character’s emotions and internal world, you know? external world shit is hard as fuck. i’m honestly usually quite light on my world-building in more elaborate aus/settings for this reason rip

Humor/comedy writing - like i can do banter but my natural state of being is Incredibly Melodramatic and Serious at All Times okay i always marvel at witty writers who make me genuinely laugh out loud bc i don’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT

Group scenes that involve more than maybe 3 characters - how do you write ensemble scenes where each character has an interesting and distinctive voice and an important non-throwaway role in the conversation at large?? how do you do that while also keeping track of what everyone’s limbs is doing?????? IDFK.

q’s for fanfiction writers!

#answers #Anonymous #i decided to add a cut bc why is this so unnecessarily long skfjnskdnf

[janexeu]

     though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, JANE MÁRQUEZ is actually a descendent of HYPNOS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-SIX year old DEMIGOD ELEMENTARY EDUCATION MAJOR from NEW ORLEANS, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite SACRIFICIAL & STUBBORN.

( she’s b-b-b-back on her bs : katya ! tis uhm ,,,, a lil bit of a chonk of an intro but ill try 2 b cute w it. any time u wanna yeet jus peep the gif again & forgive me bc Look At Her ! )

POWERS ( more info here )

hypnokinesis  — p much made her a glorified babysitter w lynch-esque wacko dreams. it got stronger naturally as she got older, but jus w herself n eventually the ppl shes real close w. its also gotten a lot better since comin to eonia 

seeing gods in dreams  — she doesnt hang out w em every fridays at tgifs but like ,,, if she had Pertinent Questions she cud smhw make it happen. found out abt her being a demigod at age 10 when she met hypnos

memory retrieval — shes got great memry of her own but bc she knows it can help w grief n all that, shes been learnin in eonia how to do it 4 others if they mayb wanted it

BIO POINTS 

her single ma died during childbirth so jane's been in the foster care system since 5ever. attempts at reunification nvr worked out but thankfully she got real lucky w her group home and foster families. twas stable enough to not emotionally scar her even further but the instability of it all was fosho a big ol’ lot and has influenced her rigidness in sum aspects of her life

she lived p much as a mortal even tho her powers r a lil freaky. never went to camp but it worked out bc all her abilities r internal and cannot be Perceived by others. she had a talk w hypnos abt what 2 do n he mentioned camps but also gave sum monster avoidance tips ( like rarely use ur powers, maybe learn self defense, yada yada ) n she jus ,,, did that so she cud continue livin real normal w the mortals. logistics of camp stressed her out esp bc shes livin w non-family n stuff yk it was All Too Much, miss her w the added demigod stress tyvm

got married at 23 to her childhood sweetums luis, but he ,,, died abt a yr later fr a car accident. coma for 2 weeks n jane p much slept the entire time in his hospital room, visitin his dreams n talkin to him. twas a life support sitch so they eventually decided to pull da plug whch was real sad but like she's processed it 2 da best of her abilities. her powers helped a lot in the coping too n she visits memories of him in her dreams smtms when it gets real sad then shes ok again bc life goes on n life is pretty uwu

bc of her bg round kids of all kinds, shes always been passionate abt em. always takin babysittin/tutor gigs and went to community college so she cud teach n then worked as an elem teacher. only started considerin goin 2 eonia 4 postgrad when she had a student who showed signs n strugglez of bein a demigod. she eventually got to talk to their godly parent 2 confirm n she was shocked pikachu meme, real concerned for all those youngins who hav no clue what to do ! or how to cope ! bc they cant facetime w the olympians lyk she can ! so cue her discussin eonia w luis a lot then a year after the accident, broke out the pro-con list again. took abt *checks watch* another yr til she finally decided to zoom 2 athens but then whoosh she did !

PERSONALITY

yearning ? idk her — shes can be a bit of a take it as is typa chick. can be a lil literal jsksj not dumb but like ,,, def doesnt read into things enuff to pine n long n year yk. some things might def fly over her head. she says Yes To Serotonin in this house. she dk the the mitskis n the sikens n the carsons ; its all mary oliver up in this joint. we just tryna luv life n be grateful folkz

le freak, say chic ! — control freak, that is. growin up in an unstable envi meant shed cling 2 stability n independence, wrvr she cud get it. so when it comes 2 the way she does things, she can be real a heel digger. also bc she has 2 deal w kids yk so it can b A Lot n shes v stern lyk dat. ofc she wont infantilize the eonians .,,,. or will she ? big sis vibes outta control. she means well tho always always means well. itll also b v hard to get her 2 giv up on sum1 bc life ? she luvs it n knows u can too

changes by david bowie — is decidedly skipped on the playlist. she doesnt like change !!! i mean she knows its inevitable but still not entire unavoidable. ever since she got out of the system, shes had a partner n her own way of doing things n its been workin out so why change it yk ? she says time may change me but jokes on u i can sorta trace time 

rip but im different — this goes out to all em whores in this house. she respectz ur hustle but like ,,,, not her thang. girl doesnt even get drunk when she drinks bc she doesnt rlly drink sksjsk doesnt like the taste of it, big baby ! but like she's Lived, its more like. ok tried it, not for me. thanks tho. also for all the meanies in the house, y’all perplex her. shes empathetic n wont show the judgement but smtms shes lowkey lyk .,., ur how old n u had all this goin 4 u n ur still so rotten ? how u actin like a 7yo w a trantrum ? scratch head, make it make sense

at least u tried — dad jokes, bad puns, tries to be big jokester but isn't funny. she's pretty tho so she gets away with it. idk wht else 2 say ur honor. shes the type thatll embarrass u w affection

well that was Awkward — probably sum1 abt her if  they see her actin a Fool bc shes in a foreign sitch or topic. when shes a fish outta water then she can be so ! easily ! flustered ! which is p much her in eonia. shes not new new but theres way 2 much godly shennanigans for her to wrap her head ‘round n sis has never gone to camp so its ice bucket challenge level shock from time to time still w da magics n lore

til death do us part — yknow when death cab for cutie said i knew that u wer a truth i wud rather lose than 2 hav nvr lain beside at all ? how abt when they wrecked me by rudely sayin love is watching sum1 die ? yes ? no ? nywy thats jane 4 ya. if she loves then shes in and if shes in then she is all in, luke danes stylez

was that a vivid enough picture or did i just word vom the same things agen n agen sjksjs jus know shes cute n sweet if a lil frustrating n annoying bc shes stubbornpants mcgee. may or may not have a slight compulsion to help fix other ppl ..,,.. someone set her str8 n tell her fix u by coldplay isnt it !!!  

OTHER INFO 

5′9″ born 4 october 1994, virgo sun n moon

not a freshie ! idk how long her program is but like ,,, lets ignore that 4 now ok jus kno that she been here a while

yogi & boxing enthusiast back at home. hc her mans got real into the martial arts w her when hypnos told her she gotta learn how 2 defend so that was one of their things : bonding by workouts so jane cud protecc herself if need be

her maiden name’s jane fulton. got her mommas surname but the name jane ? thats some jane doe bs some rando picked out for her which she hated at first but then seeing tarzan made her go hmmm, ok bet !

lgbtq+ alliance president ! identifies as pan

she met her late hubbie when they were abt 7ish, real friends 2 lovers cuteness. jane was there for him throughout his entire coming out & transition ergo her passion for the community esp queer kids bc she was That Cis Ally for her mans. wears her ring as a real lowkey necklace now

shes also real passionate abt sleep. will ask u how did u sleep last night p much every day u see her bc ppl spend like half their lives asleep catherine ofc shes gonna ask

her fave thing abt eonia ?  the whole siblings bit. shes had 2 make do w what she got n build a family from scratch so this ? she luvs it a lot let her give u kithes hypnos babies

shes p well versed in the greek thingies but only thru the knowledge mortals gets + dream info. after her realizin who she is, all things ancient greek jus sorta became her niche interest ykwim ? shes not like Super Learned abt it more like ,,, ok i gotta at least make Sum sense outta all this, gotta learn what i can. imagin how embarrassin it wud b 2 see a god in ur dream n then go : sorry to this man. nope. not jane, not her, nuh-uh 

luv languages : words, acts of service, physical touch !

useless hcs but she loves disney sfm ok. smtms dresses up as princess tiana for bday parties n shit bc shell do nythin 2 put a smile on the kids n babs faces

ya like jazz ? bc jane surely does ! adores motown & 60s music. nina simone owns her. no one drag peggy lee from 101 dalmatians ! not an important hc but i jus wanted to quote my bubble butt winged bee lover barry

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

children ! infants ! babies !

demigods that make her scratch head damn u live like this ? but also wud knife emoji to protect n care for. shes not the oldest on campus but shes been livin independently p much her entire life so she finks shes got a tight grasp on the myth that is Adulting  

srsly tho the Big Sis vibes is off the charts w this one. shell perserve u dumdums

baddie influencies !

convince her 2 get drunk at a party ! bc she never does. convince her to maybe try drugs ! or go hook up ! do smths impulsive idk jus smth new !

gl tho bc shes not rlly ,,, easily influenced But she can b reasoned w ! in general i fink its just gonna be a fun dynamic if y/m knows how to coax sum wildness outta her or w/e bc thotty yummy theyre hotty yolo rzning jus wont do w this gal. will most likely get argumentative like a big ol momma hen but if u win then ur winning big

Sleep Now or forever hold ur peace !

idk sum1 she helps w their messy sleep ? shes def not super public w it, surely knows her other siblings r Better at it but if  y’all are close, she probs enjoys doin it 4 ya. she runs her hair thru fingers a lot when she does it. like a lot a lot unless u tell her to get lost

lover boi, lover gorl, lover enby !

she can be a lil traditional when it comes to how she views rels. she wants all that meetcute courting bs ! no gender roles tho n u best be sure shes not constantly comparin w her late hubbie ,,, but she jus wants smth magical n 2 be wooed again yk ?

so yea ,,, crushers mayhaps ? sum1 who is tryin 2 woo her ? sum1 she had a meetcute w and now janes got lowkey heart eyes for em ? idk lotsa possiblities but pls keep in mind she is not good at the flirtings so hav mercy on her 

eonia tour guide !

or jus friends who like ,,, constnatly fill her in w all the godly stuff n whatnot. years of not goin 2 camps mean u miss out on a lot ! explore ruins w her n get her info her mortal educ didnt make her privy 2 yk 

head real empty atm i will think of sum n let y’all know when i do, but give us all the conekshunz. friends, enemies, the usual bit, lgbtq alliance peeps, lmk whats up whats done whats cookin we want it all

( shes p much a new muse n da result of me tryna bring in an emotionally healthy kid to this sad sad university. janes in a v good well-adjusted place rn n is my therapy muse bc that other bitch m** is a messy handful. but wbk life aint linear so mayhaps shit’ll hit da fan or one of y/m will ruin her lmfao press f pls ! but also color me eyes emoji bc we love to see it )

#euintro