#idk maybe it's due to some sort of trauma or smthn but. don't make a spectacle of me.

[thestarmaker]

ok I now understand why a lot of adults don't like to celebrate their birthday for no real reason

#misc #it's not today it's in a week but like #idk maybe it's due to some sort of trauma or smthn but. don't make a spectacle of me. #not for i-don't-deserve-it reasons but for it-makes-me-uncomfortable reasons #and idk why! like friends wishing me a happy bday over text is fine but like in person??? when I'm expected to react??? pls no #one of my friends is taking me out to late lunch/early dinner and then we're gonna go wander a nature trail for several hours w some weed #and that sounds amazing esp bc the weather will be perfect #but now they said they wanna think of a gift to surprise me w and uhhhh. i mean go for it but also pls don't make it a big deal #and it's not like i don't like Getting Gifts but. really it's the reaction i don't like to do. idk why #is it some sort of trauma? is it my neurodivergence? is it just me bc I'm shy and introverted? #like i would much rather have someone like mail me something and i respond when it arrives than give it to me in person #and it's ironic bc I'm v much the type of person to see smthn a friend would like and get it for them #i got one of my friends a rainbow flask for Christmas and left it on their bed so they'd see it after i left and i enjoyed that #idk just like. don't make a spectacle of me don't praise me for something deep don't acknowledge me #is... is it from emotional neglect? could that be it? it makes me uncomfy bc i didn't have it for a while? #but that still... my parents were always chill abt it and dad was still fine abt it after mom died #so maybe not due to anything w my family/parents. idk maybe I'm thinking too deep abt this. #did my toxic high school friend group pavlov me into thinking that acknowledgement = ridicule or smthn like that? #bc that seems more likely. if only i could remember how far back this feeling goes. #anyway. woof this got long