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#idk im super exhausted today too bc I got literally no sleep and still had to work 9-5 so im emotional too
nico-di-angelic · 3 years
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depressing shit, ignore
i just don’t know where else to rant, i can’t rly talk to anyone abt this so
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yyxgin · 3 years
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no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3
admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.
thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?
also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.
im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!
also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.
gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨
ilyl ~ 🌻
thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 
HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes
aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd
oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.
why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??
ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 
YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing
ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 
ily <333
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monohart · 5 years
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clouds. (college!au)
ft. mark lee, sunny days and the brink of adolescence.
dating the campus’ radio dj was not an easy job
he was always, always busy, especially in the evenings.
he was exempted from 2/3 of his classes this semester to fit in broadcasting sessions and also to mentor the new broadcasters.
apparently they recruited a freshman, jisung. but he was a shy little bean, and mark needed to spend a lot more hours mentoring him.
which kinda meant that you would spend less time with your boyfriend
thankfully, y’all had similar classes.
there was this one class which was a capstone subject
which meant if u want to graduate u HAD to take it lol
and he aced all of the assessments in that subject so far this year
but you were just a bit competitive, so with exams coming, you planned to score a higher grade than him
which.. was an easy job, right? he spent most of his nights hosting the radio show anyway.
it both bugged and made you so extremely proud that mark was already getting proper job offers from major broadcasting channels
like when he got his first offer, he actually just finished a broadcast at around 3am, and was on the way back home
but he read the email on his phone and took a detour to your apartment
which scared the sh*t out of you
mark its almost 4am you could’ve just sent me a text??
“i don’t care i just needed to tell you this in person, oh my goodness is this even real????”
idk mark you tell me???
it was real, because he started getting offer after offer in the following week
but thankfully he didn’t pop by your place in the middle of the night again, after that first time
because you actually let him stay over that night and -
he held you in his arms as he leant against your headboard
and you just used him as a pillow because he you made him take a quick shower and he smelt of your soap but he still smelled of him and it was a comforting scent which sent you off the dreamland real quick
and he actually watched you fall asleep and made sure you were asleep before he pulled out his laptop to work on an assignment that was due the next day
when you woke up the next morning, you felt something cold and hard prod your back and you panicked for a moment before realising it was his laptop
and you heard the shower running so you knew it was mark going through his morning routine
but then you thought.... did he even sleep?
when he hopped out of the bathroom clad in same the clothes he wore the night before, he was still drying his hair with a towel
and his face was strew with exhaustion
but as soon as he saw you sitting groggily on the edge of your bed, his face lit up and he strode over to kiss the top of your head
“mark, did you even sleep?”
“nope, but i’m off again, i’ve got to hand in my assignment! i’ll see you for lunch?”
“wait what assignment?? did you need help on it?”
“nope, i got it done last night! thanks for letting me crash.”
before you could stop him, he pressed a hasty kiss on your lips before grabbing his laptop and bag and rushed out the door
and you sigh because
this was how dating mark lee, the campus dj, was like.
anyway
now, you guys were just a few days away from finishing the semester’s classes
and this was your last semester... given if you’ll pass the exams lol
so it was kinda the last few days you’d be able to spend together, on campus.
summer was coming
and the sun was so bright these days, it cleared the skies
no rain, none at all
which was not entirely Great because rainy days helped you study... and rainy days also meant more people tuned in on the campus radio
which meant
mark was kinda jobless today
which ALSO meant!!!
you could finally spend a whole day with him.
but, oh man...
when he called you around 11pm the night before, he was also checking his email and ... accidentally forgot that he had another assignment due at 8am the following morning
guess who didn’t get any sleep at all again!!!
your heart hurt seeing him work so hard
but somehow he convinced you to go to sleep first and not stay up to help him
he still got the assignment in on time because hes mark lee
so when you guys sat on the lawn in the middle of campus just like any typical college couple would on a nice sunny day, mark lay his head on your lap and used one of your textbooks to shield his eyes from the sun
and you were using his laptop to compile your notes from the semester, and also to help him tidy up his
“hey baby...?”
“hmm?”
you waited for mark to continue his sentence but he went silent
“mark, what?”
“mark-”
you lifted your textbook from his face only to find that he had fallen asleep.
his lips were slightly parted and he was snoring really quietly, and his fingers were in loose fists as they rested on his belly.
dont deny but you busted the biggest uwu didnt you
ofc like
you couldn’t possibly waste this precious photo opportunity but
your phone was just slightly out of reach rip
so when you grappled for it, mark woke up in an instant
he sat up real quick, and a tuft of his hair was sticking up messily.
“oh no, i didnt mean to-”
“so d’you wonder why we’re all clouds?”
you stared at each other with equally as confused frowns lol
like mark was actually
hella confused
but your expression literally read wtf
he didn’t really notice but instead yawned and held his arm out to you
and you move closer to him, snuggling into his side as he slowly lays the both of you down again, in a way so you could use his arm as a pillow.
the sun was really really bright so y’all lay there with your eyes squished shut
“we’re all just clouds, aren’t we?”
his serious question was met by your quiet scoff
“no, no, i’m for real. y’know how everything we do are for exams. exams this, assignments that... gpa... scores.. grades... deadlines... those kinda things. they turn us into clouds.”
“that is one extremely weird way to describe college students, mark.”
“no, baby, but... it’s accurate, isn’t it? the anxiety, stress, exhaustion... and just about everything we do turn us all into little clouds.”
“do elaborate, cause i don’t get why you’re comparing us to condensed water vapour.”
mark chuckled a little, and you roll your eyes figuratively, keeping your eyes tightly shut to shield it from the unforgiving sun.
"actually, never mind, it sounded way better in my head.”
at that point you were getting up to lie on your side
he turned his head and squinted at you as you gently placed a hand on his chest
"are you writing lyrics again?”
he hummed quietly and you shift a few inches closer to him.
“show me. i want to read those lyrics, no matter how dumb you think they are.”
“they’re not ready yet.”
“if you’re writing about anxiety, i can be your muse.”
“no way, you’re not a cloud. you’re a sunflower.”
he wrote lyrics all the time and most of the time he’d write them about you
sometimes he’d let you read them, sometimes he kept them to himself
and you’d catch him grinning idiotically over some lyric he wrote some time ago
so when he goes to sleep you would sneak a peak at it and it’s basically a love letter to first-date-you, or a diary entry of how he feels every time he sends u home from a date or from school but its so dreamy and seems unreal but you kNOW ITS REAL!!
bc u were there!!
anyway 
idk what came over you but you slung an arm around his torso and rested your head against his shoulder and he let out a quiet little puff of breath
you would think he’s pretty ok with skinship since y’all been together for so long
but yeah it was chill and okay and he’d be super clingy at home but when y’all were in public
man,,, he got so flustered and nervous
u just wanted to cuddle lol but he suddenly turned into a robot
the sun made everything seem slow and warm and sluggish which was pretty okay with you because you were finally spending time with mark!!!
and he was soft and squishy and a little bit awkward but so so so cute so u rly just wanted the moment to last longer
but no
just as u were about to drift off a Shadow™ loomed over u both
mark probably fell asleep again tbh
u heard a rly loud camera go CLICK and distinct voices whisper-yelling at each other
and there was a struggle
and the struggle ended with a Butt falling onto mark’s other shoulder
“MARK IM SO SORRY RENJUN PUSHED ME”
“NO YOU STINK YOU FELL BY YOURSELF”
“oh hey guys shut up the photo turned out alright”
“JENO SHUT UP THEY’RE RIGHT THERE”
mark was sitting up and you fussed over his other shoulder which was attacked by jaemin’s butt
and although he was so .. unfortunately.. woken up from his nap he was grinning and squinting up at his squabbling friends
and he chuckled as he watched u stand up and wrestle jeno for his phone to see the Photo
he was watching you chase chenle and renjun around the lawn, the two boys purposefully running slower to tease u
donghyuck sat down next to mark and put his head on his shoulder to mimic you from a few minutes ago
“oh you’re disgusting please go away.”
hyuck turned his head and batted his eyelashes up at mark who was still watching u with a dreamy smile
“you’re leaving soon, we just wanted to spend time with you before u abandon us”
mark laughed and told him he’s only graduating
but hyuck scowled and nudged mark with his elbow then gestured in your direction
“but you spend more time with her nowadays than you do with us”
mark let out a loud laugh and shook his head
“she’s my girlfriend.”
“so?”
“she’s my lover.”
“so??”
“she’s... everything to me.”
jisung, who was listening, gagged and haechan slapped mark’s tummy while hollering
and then u look over at them from the other side of the lawn, wondering why mark was lying on the floor again and why the other dreamies were surrounding him in a cultish circle
jeno and jaemin turned to face you with big chummy smiles on their faces and together they made heart arms at u
some other people on the lawn were beginning to stare and so u hide behind chenle bc renjun is too tiny
then jisung must’ve texted their group chat because renjun cackles and leads you back to the group
and u notice how bright mark’s face was which makes u blush like crazy as well
and even though stress from school, work and everything in general, was making u feel like a big and heavy raincloud
one look at mark lee made u feel like sunflowers and daisies
it totally didn’t help that when he’d look at you, the corners of his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly, and his eyes would shine with genuine adoration
and his cute little lips would stretch into the widest grin
uwu
and u bet the next batch of lyrics he gonna write is gonna be about you again!!
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Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah
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Cody A. 
https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo
James Hayden
We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.
Cody A. 
https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU
James Hayden
https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY
Zack M
i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye. 
James Hayden
Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee. 
As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0. 
Najwah
Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽
Olivia A
I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.
Cody A. 
https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI
Pedro A
if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee
Olivia A.
Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)
Pedro A
i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final
Cody A.
Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!
James Hayden
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be
Najwah
After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol.  I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again. 
Sarah
Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry. 
James Hayden
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc
Zack M
welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck. 
Aimee
http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!
James Hayden
We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case. 
Maddison
Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in. 
Pedro A
SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...
Pedro A
Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn
Ben Kessler
I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.
Kalle N
hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye
Amy A
So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss 
Olivia A
I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.
Najwah
All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying. 
Cody A
https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw
Pedro A
im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point
0 notes
meepface · 7 years
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these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me
1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 
2. What has been on your mind most lately?
well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!
3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?
i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!
4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?
love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame
5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?
feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it
6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?
to learn how to live for myself more
7. In one sentence, who are you?
i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can
8. What do you want to be known for?
being good and kind and gentle and positive
9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?
my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order
10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well
11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?
my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends
12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?
someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental
13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at
14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
a golden retriever
15. What stands between you and something you want?
fear of change
16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?
i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to
17. What do you need to spend more time doing?
being with friends and family, writing
18. When did you first realize that life was short?
i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated
19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?
honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so
20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?
there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand
21. What is a common misconception people have about you?
i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard
22. What is something no one can take away from you?
no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour
23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?
ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat
24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?
how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!
25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?
hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out
26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?
hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this
27. If not now, then when?
when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps
28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?
i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me
29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?
i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through
30. What do you want to remember forever?
hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes
31. What could society do without?
religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 
32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?
right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it
33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?
be kinder and gentler, thank you
34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?
this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am
35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?
my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding
36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?
hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life
37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?
you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!
38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?
finally
39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?
hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right
40. What question do you often ask yourself?
what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?
2 notes · View notes
yakumtsaki · 7 years
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Everybody, yeeeeah rock your body, yeeeeeah everybody, rock. your. body. right. BACKSTREET’S BACK. ALRIGHT
SO. I’m tired of waiting for Kim’s flaky ass to show up so we go ahead and adopt this Kim-clone named Sophie aka our 6th fucking cat. I’m gonna complete Komei’s lifetime want if it kills me and honestly it might just do it. Right off the bat I have a bad feeling about this cat bc of her unfortunate name. I’ve never met a girl named Sophia I didn’t aggressively hate but I’m like ok maybe this Sophia will break the curse..
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NOP. First thing fucking Sophie does is murder our beloved Mr Bear that we’ve had since Daniel was born. An amazing way to endear yourself to your new family. 
-The affair shrine is next! You heathens are gonna see the light of the Lord!
Oh great, all we were missing was a christian fundamentalist in this house. Welcome aboard, Soph!
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The cat fight club comprised of Victor, Ronron and Neo is completely out of control. It’s gotten to the point where everyone else in the house has ran out of fucks to give:
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-Yea my son and my stalker are trying to kill each other, what else is new.. Wake me up when September ends.
Yea and wake me up when September starts cause I’m gonna be retaking my finals around that time.
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Sophie: Road to Redemption.
-THERE’S ONLY ONE ROAD TO REDEMPTION AND IT’S THROUGH OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
Shut it, Westboro.
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Dear Diary,
How you’ve been? Sorry I haven’t written to you in 20 years, things have been pretty hectic what with raising 6 cats and having a bunch of kids and guarding my yard decorations from Shea Johnston.
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So to fill you in on the important happenings, Professional Make-Up Cop returned Neo to me and oh, diary, songs will be sung of that day. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, second only to the discovery that Jojo got the jaw. How lucky that it would happen to that little asshole?! He’s definitely my least favorite kid. God truly helps the virtuous..
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In sad news, diary, Mr Bear has tragically met an untimely end at the claws of my new cat, Tea Party congressional candidate Sophie. You know me, diary, I love all my cats equally, but my parenting skills are being put to the test. I will find a way to reach that cat though, diary, mark my words. Or I will return her to the pound as soon as she tops her career. Whichever comes first. 
I need to leave you now, diary, much like his mother, little Gunther has grown up to be quite the whorelord and I’ve been picking up the phone 200 fucking times a day. I still prefer him to Jojo though. Fuck that kid. 
See you in 20 years,
Komei Pussy Magnet Tellerman Union
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Speaking of Jojo, he’s now able to search for ufos. Exciting! Too bad this new ability is completely useless cause we all know what he’s looking at..
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-FOR THE LAST TIME YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING FREAKSHOW, WILL YOU CUT IT THE FUCK OUT
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-Really Stephen, those are the pajamas you wear?? Who’s crazy now!
I’m gonna go with ‘person standing in the rain in a bowtie at 4am spying on an innocent family’ but idk, the jury’s still out. A phrase I suspect you’ll be hearing a lot in the future.
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Meanwhile Komei keeps kicking down our flamingo?? Wtf Komei. Don’t we have enough problems without having to worry about you and your slow but steady mental breakdown?
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Thank god for Gunther, sleepless guardian of the yard.
-HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DAD
-Oh grow up, Gunther, those flamingos are stupid and you’re stupid for liking them!
-Big talk from someone whose biggest dream is to have 6 cats top their careers! 
-You really want to talk about lifetime wants, Mr Visionary?
-BEING AN ART SCHOOL DROPOUT GIGOLO IS A REAL JOB DAD
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Don’t listen to that dream killing asshole, Gunther, look how well you’re doing! You have more scholarships than fucking flop Jojo! Can’t believe all that ballet paid off. I’m gonna reward you for your hard work, time to call Ivy, she’s gonna be our 5th make out!
-NOICE
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WELL FUCK YOU TOO IVY
-What is this strange feeling? I’ve never experienced it before.
It’s called rejection Gunther, you should give Daniel a call, he has vast experience in the area.
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Daniel does call the next day wanting to.. talk to Victoria??? What on earth. As seen above, the tradition of Victoria scarring him psychologically is obviously alive and well.
-You won’t believe this, Dylan, but I banged Malcolm right before my birthday with your father in the next room! Don’t worry, I’ll email you all the hot details later!
I mean, at least they’re talking? Progress!
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-Ah, I’m just killing it in every single aspect of my life. EVERY SINGLE ONE. ESPECIALLY THE ROMANTIC ONE. NO ONE REJECTED ME. NO ONE
Really Gunther, I can’t deal with your half-assed coping mechanisms right now, we have bigger problems, as in THE LOT IS LAGGING LIKE CRAZY THANKS TO OUR MILLIONS OF CATS. I have never in my life had lag like this, literal ts3 teas. Every time someone comes back from work the lot freezes for 2 minutes this shit is fucking unreal.
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At least Sophie proves she’s worth the lag by constantly destroying important objects, like Gunther’s fucking homework.
-HAHA SAY GOODBYE TO THAT SCHOLARSHIP YOU VILE WHORE. ABSTINENCE ONLY EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS
You know how sometimes you look back and realize that if something completely random and insignificant hadn’t happened, everything would have been different? Well crazy christian cat destroying Gunther’s homework is one of those moments cause I drag Gunther out of the house to do his homework while he still can.. And thank god I do because otherwise..
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WE WOULD HAVE MISSED MELODY TINKER PASSING BY. HOW. HOW HAD I NOT THOUGHT OF THIS ICONIC SUNGLASSES PAIRING BEFORE.
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Are you guys seeing this adorable shit?? They look so right together, even their ridiculous outfits complement each other ❤ I had someone else in mind for Gunther but this changes everything, especially because..
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NATURAL 3 FUCKING BOLTS. EVEN THO HE’S ROMANCE AND SHE’S KNOWLEDGE. LITERALLY UNHEARD OF.
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The start of something beautiful is interrupted by this parallel universe punk Komei passing by. Can you guess what he does next even tho we obviously didn’t greet him?
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UGH. This hairstyle is straight up CURSED.
-I’m getting the strongest urge to put you to work..
GTFO. Why must the Komeis of the world ruin every romantic moment??
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Speaking of ruining the moment, Jojo returns from work aka the lot freezes for 2 mins. But he reached the top of his career again so we get the scholarship back. Congrats Jo!
-I’M FUCKING EXHAUSTED IM GONNA PASS OUT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF GUNTHER’S DATE
Get your ass inside right now and STOP STAYING UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING STEPHEN SLEEP
-Wait is that his daughter??? I NEED TO TALK TO HER
Yea you absolutely won’t be doing that nor coming anywhere near her.
-But then how am I gonna collect her DNA to clone my own Stephen?
GO TO BED
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-AW it’s a love letter to me from Marisa ❤
LMAO you wish Komes, it’s from Ruskie to Gunther but yea, take that shit out of there and gtfo, I don’t anything ruining our Melody date.
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Like say, fucking useless asshole Sophie getting demoted AND FREEZING THE LOT FOR 5 MINUTES. Her flopping at her job is gonna become a running theme cause her fun and social are permanently in the red and I have no idea wtf her problem is since we have a million toys and cats for her to play with. GOD SOPHIE
-Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!
STFU
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If there’s anything I hate more than shy sims, it’s not much. Somehow tho I find the shy animations super cute when Melody does them?? 
-Me too!
I know Guns! Let’s get the girl.
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Nice! Busting a move does it again!
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Aww! What classic song are you crazy kids slow dancing to?
-Aayooo, I’m tired of using technology.. Why don’t you sit down on top of me ♫
-Wow, that’s beautiful, Gunther..
Thank you, 50 Cent! Justin you can go fuck yourself, #teamBrit
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❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
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Things progress rapidly like always and 5 makeouts are finally achieved! Gunther has now gotten with more sims than every other member of the family combined. So proud :’)
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God, I never get tired of the view of aspiration points lighting up the night sky. GET IT GUNS
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LOL. Gunther I don’t know how to break this to you so I’m just gonna go with blunt and insulting: time to close your legs. Welcome to monogamy! Let’s see how long you last.
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Man, it’s nice when things come full circle. Gunther is still picking up the flamingo but now a new otp has been born! How much time we’ve wasted gunning for the wrong Tinker..
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-It’s not wasted time if you enjoy doing it!
Yea that radioactive glow you have going is doing wonders for your credibility, Jo..
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..as is this farewell meeting with the president of the ridiculous hairstyle org. Wow, we haven’t seen him in a long time. ~nostalgia
-Jojo! I understand you’re leaving for college today and dropped in to remind you that there’s always a place for you in our organization when you graduate. Make us proud son!
-I really don’t care about making you or anyone else proud, Mr President, since the only opinion that matters is my own, but I certainly appreciate the sentiment. I have something to remind you as well: I’m coming for you. There’s only room for one top freak in this neighborhood. 
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And he’s off! Dressed to impress I see. You wear a bowtie to spy on Stephen but your pj’s for the first day of college.
-Yea, it’s called having your priorities straight. As if I’d dress up for those plebs that should be honored BY MY MERE PRESENCE.
Oh this is gonna be unbearable. Well at least it’s only FOUR FUCKING YEARS. Time to have Sophie start praying for my soul.
39 notes · View notes
whomturgled · 7 years
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lil vent feel free 2 ignore
sorry i just need to write out Feelings and stuff so i can organize thoughts i guess rip do not reeblog it's personal and irrelevant i have mixed feelings about my life rn. well mostly bad but like isn't that always how i am lmfao. dropping out of school was a temporary fix, i think. i don't know if i regret it or not. like, yes, regret, but only really because it's going to impact my future and make things harder. i'm most likely going to have to go back at some point, and idk how i'm going to do or handle it. i also have no idea when or where. like everything is just vague and uncertain in my life and i need.... Structure. like yeah i'm really good at bullshitting and that's basically how i've made it this far but like i've always had some goal sorta (where i was gonna live, who with, what education or career i was going to pursue, etc)? the goal would change often but like... idk. school made me wanna die and dropping out kinda helped ease some of the pressure i was facing but like here i am wanting to die again? my therapists are always like,,,, man u just gotta be Doing Something haha,,, stay busy and you'll be fine! well i'm busy. i'm really busy but also not at all. i work 8 hours or so every day and i spend the rest of the day resting bc everything is exhausting? i feel like i don't do anything productive really. i used to think that having a job was productive enough but like idk? things just seem.... pointless. i have no friends really. like i have gav and a couple ppl i met online who are far away who i can't keep up with,,, but i can't even see gav or talk to them often bc now they're over an hour away by train and i never have time between sleeping and working and all my other friends are super far away too and have stopped talking to me and idk. i just don't do anything anymore. i feel so pathetic and pointless. some things got better i guess. abuser isn't living here anymore. 9 months on t today. i have money so i can like... do shit if i want to but i literally have nothing to do. my mom doesnt want to charge me board or w/e bc she doesn't rlly care and i barely do anything anyway like i sleep and sometimes eat but barely and even then i buy my own food usually. i pay my phone bill ? and anything else i rlly need/want i just buy it myself bc i can idk. there's just no point idk. maybe i could get top surgery this year but for what lmao? i can keep working but why ? this part time job isn't going to get me anywhere and it certainly isn't going to make me enough to live by myself yknow i don't think i even could live by myself id take care of myself even less and be even lonelier and probably just end up sabotaging myself. i can go back to school but then i probably can't work and go to school bc that's too much bc im fucking stupid and everything is too hard. and why bother with school the only pathways i can rlly follow now are going back to part time jobs with just my hs diploma or maybe going to college ? but school is already so hard ? and what would i even go to college for ? and would it even matter ??? i bet you anything i'd still end up working part time, but then i'd have a degree for nothing and be in debt lmfao. idk everything feels pointless and i want to die but i also don't even care idk what i want i just idk is there a way to just stop existing and it doesn't make my mom or cats sad idk
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kgysj-blog · 7 years
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day 2 - 4/26/17
dear depression, wassupppp biotch you still havent gotten me yet ayyeeeee *quickly knocks on wood* anyways imma talk ab my day/issues!!!!!!! so i woke up & wore this dress bc i didn't feel like wearing pants ya feel me ? well i made it to school in 4 minutes bc ya girl attempted eyeliner this morning AND IT DIDNT SUCK TERRIBLY WOO!!! oh yus. anyway i felt pretty today :') i got to first period (English) •total side note but the song that just came on is 'how would u feel' by ed sheeran and i absolutely fucking adore it man• and when we i got there i expected us to finish wuthering heights which i also absolutely adore. instead we had to do two worksheets front and back and it lowkey kinda sucked :/ but it's ok I finished them!! also it was sent around that the teachers met this morning to decide which day will be the last day for seniors to show up which makes me feel lit as fuck like let's fuckin go FUCKKKKKK white plains HAHAHAH :)))) then i got to second period (math) and coach ford wasn't here today so she left us a worksheet to do that had 36 equation problems & don't get me wrong, that shit easy af, it just takes time to write it all out fr. well im in a class where everyone likes to talk other than the guy that sits beside me (connor w. my mf nigga). well i start this worksheet w one headphone in & these inconsiderate fuckers who aren't even doing their work START TALKING LOUDLY and it nearly made it impossible to finish this long ass worksheet so I put my other head phone in and crank the music up as loud as possible. well it's be about 5 minutes and connor has done the same thing w the headphones, and these rude humans throw a pencil at us bc my music was too loud. MY music was too loud. well GUESS WHAT?! if you'd stfu i wouldn't even have to play music :-)) anyway i finished that bitch in ab 10 minutes then I took a good ass nap till break. after the bell rang I was walking to drop my back pack off in coach crews classroom and doddie and nugget pull me in a classroom & doddie has ranted ab this guy (not gonna name names) making fun of her and making sly comments ab her being gay!!!!!! it lit me tf up. but it was gucci she rented it all out and posted it on her spam & i ab died. then i went to break & saw my buddies and then went to third (anatomy). Me & brettford finished up our poster which looked good af & turned it in. then I saw dots spam post & ab died hahahahah I commented "can I tag him" then "I'll tag him" then "he's a little bitch" bc he is!!!! the girls doddie pulls are like gorgeous & his ex gf was not that pretty :/ I don't wanna be mean and say bad things ab other girls but :/// then we went to fourth period (economics) and Matthews hit me w some more of her bullshit. she stays mad at me fr solely bc of the table I sit at bUT GUESS WHAT! those are my mf niggas and imma sit w them bc this is the last time I'll frickin be able to bc #senioryearbitches but onward w the entry, we had to do this question thing on liz murray (refer to precious entry on who that is) and then we got to do our handprints on the wall bc #senioryearbitches. me and brettford did our hands together Bc he's my bestie and I love him!!!!! then i left and went to the store (gas station-stewards) to get pizza and when I got there, there was no mf pizza -_- I was mad af. the lady said it would take 12 minutes to cook another & it was already 11:53 and the bus gets there at mf 12:05 to pick us up so I had to tell her I had to go :/ so I went back to school and then to career tech & all was gucci. I fell asleep during class bc idk I get exhausted in moms class it's crazy Idek why. but then i got on the bus and i realized i had a text from the human im not supposed to be talking to :/ it said hi. so I said hi. Then he had screenshotted doddies spam post and said it better have not been ab him and he's dumb bc it wasn't -_- we talked ab it all for a while and then I told him not to worry & he said alright & I said okie and he didn't reply aha but I had to text him what dot said bc he had asked me to text her earlier so i did and sent it to him. then this mf replied like two hours later and sent me a beer pong game thing and we played for a while (i whooped that ass three times in a row) anndddd he stopped replying again. but i guess i needa get used to that bc im not supposed to be talking to him anyway. we decided Sunday we were gonna stay out of each other's life's until I was better & we have literally spoken every single day since then lmaooooo but it's okay. I got in my feels heavvvvyyyy ab him during moms class which is why I went to sleep I guess. Idk I just miss him n stuff.. it's okay tho no sadness!! I went home and sat and talked w dad for a little bit and it was nice I luv my dad. after I showered and all that I was chillin in bed listening to music & Dad brought me fresh flowers to my room :/ I had told him Sunday I love fresh flowers & then monday on our way to bham for my javelin lesson i told him a little bit about my depression stuff & told him about why I can't talk to Peyton right now and all that and I think it made him sad a little. :( but he is the sweetest most of the time and it made my heart super happy!!! but anyways that's all for today :-) it's 11:54 so imma hit the hay, goodnight!!!! love, g
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