#idk if that matters but too late now

[akuma-tenshi]

i would like to introduce you all to the family my friend and i have created through sheer love of these characters

#the creation started with “what if kevin and kurt were like. in love” #bestie is a kevin main and i'm a memory main so through a bunch of matches of us playing them together she became his daughter #and therefore also became kurt's daughter bc in our brains they're husbands #for lily it's basically the exact same situation i play lily a lot and he mains kevin so now she's their daughter too #and then with matthias the whole thing was just “he needs a hug” #i don't actually know if matthias is a teenager. i personally see him as around like. 19 - 20 but i know that's not real bc he can drink #they've been giving me so much serotonin lately i can't be normal abt them #rambling #idv #identity v #kevin ayuso #kevin alonso #idv cowboy #lily barriere #idv cheerleader #idv memory #idv little girl #matthias czernin #idv puppeteer #kurt frank #idv explorer #kurtvin #i put way too much thought into their height differences. idk if it's totally accurate but it's close i think #what matters is that matthias and kurt are Tol kevin is shorter than them and lily and memory are Teeny bc they're kiddos

[scoliosisgoblin]

quickies feat. Peter, Eddie and @bennydunbar

#did these quickly cause uhh #idk #forgor to post these the second I finished them cause I've been busy 💀 #supposed to be in a week long hiatus like I usually do after posting a bunch #hehehehe however..... #nah it's more fun to waste time here idk #Peter is leaning against them #okay goodnight #my art #proportions are funny but they don't have noses or ears so does it even matter #yb game #yb peter #your boyfriend peter #your boyfriend y/n #your boyfriend fanart #your boyfriend game #eddie #benny #peter #ynsona #I FORGOT EDDIE'S GLOVES OOPS #FUCK #welp too late now

[soldier-poet-king]

I need to be weirder. I need to hang out/talk with more intensely weird and deeply genuine people, and more frequently

#franposting #apropos of me being weirder and more terrible and more honest lately #and it feels. good? mentally clearer. more at peace #this isnt some oh small talk is bullshit nonsense #it has a place! we need socisl scripts to be polite and function sometimes! #i am simply saying that i personally have spent far too long being the idea of a person. the mask of one #that i want to start being a real person. my pinocchio ass out here like #people pleasing out of fear needs to stop. you can be unsettling. babe. babe its okay. you can laugh ugly and loud and be strange #and too intense and think too much and say strange things #and the world wont end. you can be a person warts and all #it is so weird. and also lowkey pathetic that i am only realizing this now aged 27 #like. my fear didnt make me more palatable or more loved. #it just made me lonely AND more depressed #i might still be isolated and lonely and offputting. but at least i can laugh at myself in joy in the meanwhile #idk if that makes any sense but it does to me so maybe thats all that matters for this post #ANYWAY everyone who ive been talking w lately #(yall know who u are) #im like. thank u. thank u

[fooltofancy]

had the longest, most honest conversation about belief with my dad today and on the one hand god is it exhausting because they've gone to such an insane place christianitywise, but also? the fuckin growth this man has gone through just to be able to have that conversation is so. it's not comforting, but god is it something to be able to have that conversation period without shouting and tears and just. walking away from it so unfulfilled every time.

#also. also! he fucking apologized for a lot of past things that i had resigned myself to him never acknowledging outside of my mom #she's apologized for him so many times but she knows that doesnt count and we all just. accept that. #but he did it! without prompting!!!!!!! #like very openly and honestly and without any accusation #and then we talked about my brother and why it's harder for them to have these conversations and he LISTENED #idk im stuck between so exhausted and frustrated because their worldview is just. so heartbreaking! #and also so proud because this man has not been able to acknowledge anything for twenty five years of my life #and he's listening and he's trying and it's so important #.... it's also probably because he believes his kids are going to hell. lmao. #but u know what i'll take it. #like. he wasn't a good dad. he wasn't and he's known it but instead of curling in on himself like his mom did and faking it he's trying #it's too late for a lot of things but it doesn't matter less for that #NOW. if we could get past the belief that the world is ending in less than ten years. that'd be neat.

[mushed-kid]

i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone

#im so #ugh i cant stand myself #i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else #i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt #and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it #and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her #and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not #i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything #but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter #i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know #and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/ #other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr #and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other #but i just. dont like people #but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private #i just dont get why im not like others😭 #why am i different than everyone else

[coquelicoq]

my ex, who lives alone, is apparently about to buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom, 2-garage house. what. i'm getting stressed out just hearing about it. tf you gonna do with all that space, bro? how you gonna clean all those bathrooms???

#he's like well i want one room for my home office and one room for my hobby and one guest room #add in a bedroom for him and that's still only 4 bedrooms? you have an entire extra bedroom???? #plus an extra garage??? #damn he thinks he's lonely now but dude just you wait until you spend every day ALONE IN A FIVE-BEDROOM HOUSE #trying not to project too much onto him but i really think this is absurd outside of my own preferences #he's been stressed living in his 1b apt bc his hobby takes up a lot of space #but i think this is just another example of his general propensity to treat the symptoms and not the disease #the problem is he's overcommitting & extending himself too much & he never finishes anything #that's what actually stresses him out #so him in a 5b house is just going to be him filling all that space with stuff until he's stressed again #anyway i have NO IDEA how to react to this because i think it's such a bad idea #i'm really bad at faking things i don't feel but i feel like it's too late to say 'wyd bro???' because apparently his offer was accepted #i did ask him how he's going to clean 4 bathrooms and he said he's just not going to use them #also it feels weird morally for a single (rich) man to buy an entire 5b house only for him in the middle of the seattle housing crisis #not like if he didn't buy it someone else would buy it and make it into affordable housing units so maybe it doesn't matter #still feels weird though and contributes to me not knowing how to react #if you have any advice for me followers...i am all ears #i've been really floundering on how to be a supportive friend to him lately #just really struggling with how to engage with him when it feels like he's his own worst enemy #and like it's not that he needs to have the same priorities as me it's just that he comes to me all stressed out and idk how to react #bc 'no shit you're stressed out. have you tried making completely different choices?' isn't a great option lol

[polkadotpatterson]

okeydoke as I have not had much energy for working on stuff lately (but lots of motivation) I'm not gonna do proper NaNo with a wordcount or anything, BUT I am gonna make it a goal to get some amount of work done on a writing project every day (at least until I go away on the 24th). Main priority blaseball projects are, in no particular order:

Fic about the ending

Abner fic

Simon's Quest

secret fic(s) :)

get the Talkers exchange set up

Aside from that, I've been poking at more non-blaseball stuff, which is a good excuse for me to plug my writing blog @cyndakip! All my fics get posted there, so if you're interested in my writing beyond just blaseball (especially if you like pokemon), I recommend following me there, since I don't post non-blaseball fics here.

#I'm in a weird place rn where the end of blb is coinciding with me finally feeling ready to get back to nuzlockes #and I very much want to keep writing blb fics! it's just complicated by me getting smacked over the head with pokemon motivation #and separate from that I think it's just been hard for me to work on blb fics knowing that it's over #writing the ending fic in particular means confronting that. and I definitely haven't fully processed it yet and idk when I will #I really truly do want to keep writing blb fics for a long time but I worry there will be not much of an audience anymore #and I know that doesn't matter. I'm gonna write what I want and I know some people will still read it. but yknow. it's rough #also my relationship with pokemon and the nuzlocke community has been really fucking complicated these past few years #to the point where I stopped engaging altogether bc it was stressing me out too much and I had lost all confidence in my writing #this happened to be right before I got into blb. which came along at the perfect time and gave me the community & confidence boost I needed #now it kinda feels like we've come full circle. blb has changed me and now I'm ready to go back with a whole new attitude #I just don't want these two things to be mutually exclusive! I want both! but that's easier said than done #especially bc I haven't had enough energy to work on much of either lately! I want to say things are getting better on that front but #it's complicated. you know how it is with human bodies. treacherous things #the thing is I don't want to waste this. I feel ready for pokemon again and god I missed it and I'm gonna ride this wave of motivation #if I had more energy this would be less of a problem. ah well #gonna get all this done sooner or later #talking moistly

[ohlovxr]

Okay! So this one is just kind of a random fantasy I thought I would share with you. It’s been my “trying to drift off to sleep so I’m going to write an imaginary scenario in my mind” type thing. Anyway! So reader is chosen by some sort of mystical birthright to be an avatar for a god or goddess(I’ve been imagining it as Ammit because they may or may not also be a sort of tugawar bit between Harrow and the Moonboys). Anyway, Khonshu doesn’t want this goddess or god to come to power, so Khonshu basically orders the Moonboys(player’s choice) to kidnap her to keep her out of other people’s(or Harrow’s) hands and to perform a ritual where whichever Moonboy has to take the readers virginity in order to bind her power to Khonshu instead of whichever entity she was supposed to serve. Thus binding the Moonboys and reader for life, pretty much. They refuse at first and then meet her and instantly develop an obsession. I’ve been picturing it more CNC or heavy dubcon(oops, my bad).

And for extra spice, sometimes Layla shows up for the party. Either just the help the Moonboys or as an avatar herself.

I’m a simple girl who loves her fantasy world. Okay, I’ll see my self out now.

🌹<—- that’s for you for putting up with this nonsense.

stop because this is giving massive jake vibes… as far as we know right now (bc i’m not a comic reader no one bash me pls), jake serves khonshu faithfully. whether he believes in his ideology or just does it to protect steven and marc, he goes along with whatever he’s tasked to do. this, to me, is giving huge heavy dubcon because like… jake does the kidnapping to at the very least stop harrow from completing the ritual… he stalls the next part for a bit

my brain just thinks of him becoming more and more obsessed with you as time flies and mostly because, as weird as it sounds, you continue to fight him and be difficult and filled with sass even when he’s offering you his version of kindness - although very stoic and cold, he’s not a monster and just keeping you chained up to a wall wherever he’s got you holed up. he lets you roam free in the secured place and gives you everything you need

he becomes obsessed with all that fight in you - the lust for you starts to grow on steven and marc despite their best efforts as byproduct of jake’s feelings - and finally gives into khonshu’s plan

just think… he literally doesn’t need to tie you down or anything for it. it’s a whole fight, filled with mean words and tears on your part, but given his strength and training, it’s still far too easy for him to strip you down, pin you to the bed with one large hand holding your wrists tight above you head, and slot himself between your thighs

in spite of how much you fight him though, he’s met with your wet pussy when he presses his cock against you. he slides through your folds n let’s his cock gets coated in your slick n his tip keep bumping into your little clit just so he can watch you bite your lip to fight off whimpers and moans

ugh and when your cute hole just opens right up for him when he starts pushing into you and you’re still managing to stutter ruthless insults his way, he teases you, “does this turn you on, mi amor? fighting me like this? because i promise, what you’re feeling right now is going to feel ten times better if you decide to be a good girl and bend over for me the next time.”

… despite the fact that it has you clenching around his cock and gushing slick onto his balls, that makes you spit in his face because as if you’d submit to him, but that just has him grabbing your jaw n forcefully opening your mouth to spit into it just to prove a point

#NONSENSE???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME #BESIDES STEPCEST ASKS MOONKNIGHT ONES ARE MY FAVOURITE NO MATTER WHAT #AND THIS IS SO ALSJDLDJ #but thank you for the flower i will cherish it #here 💐 a bouquet for you because you’ve blessed my inbox with your ask #i… got carried away i will admit #if you wanna talk some more #… #i’m not opposed at all #i completely neglected steven and marc and i feel so bad aisjdkj #i’ve just had such a thing for jake lately idk idk #i wanna talk about them tho and I WANNA TALK ABOUT LAYLA IN THIS TOO OMFG #i just really felt like i was getting carried away lol and should stop for now 😭 #jake lockley x reader #notsfw #tw dubcon #tw kidnapping #tw noncon #<- to be safe

[cdmodule]

Everyday I regret not making my Winner gijinka fat. I don't even know why I did that. Man

#ITS TOO LATE TO CHANGE NOW cuz gifted art n commissions and stuff #just nowadays I think. They should be fat. Idk i guess it doesnt matter to much but #Le sigh #MY BRAIN JUST DEFAULTS TO IT SOMETIMES and then i remember #Well at least theres young winner #Who I shall Design Eventually

[lisbonsteresa]

knees weak, arms are heavy

#listen it's too late for me to be very articulate about it (and i'm only on s3 now; the rest of the show is kind of hazily blending) but #one of the things i find most interesting about the red john plot...or jane's pursuit of red john maybe #is how ...individualized? it is #obviously the characters have different opinions on it - is his mission right; is it justified; would it help him; would it condemn him #and you as a viewer can side with one opinion more than others (and the opinions change as the show goes on -it's dynamic #which is another interesting but separate train of thought) #but imo/iirc the show itself - the narrative i guess - never makes any outright statement/judgement/comes to any definitive conclusion #on the matter #idk it's just even this - obviously everything's part of the larger narrative but at the same time #his asking does illustrate at least some level of doubt that he didn't seem to have in the last two seasons #is it because of lisbon; and the team; because of kristina; because of the strain it's putting on himself #(probably not the last one; he is demonstrably cavalier when it comes to his own wellbeing) #and he just happens to have the perfect man to express those doubts to right in front of him #(and that man just happens to be noah bennet alskdfja) #had winter said no what would his reaction have been? would his doubts have gotten worse - led to him taking a step towards giving it up? #would he have doubled down? we have no way of knowing because for this man; for this character it was worth it #and that helps shore up jane's belief that it would still be worth it to him too #idk i'm not making sense but it just feels like there's a level of grey area/audience interpretation to this story #rather than a hard line being drawn (by the story itself) on whether the actions taken in it are good or bad and i appreciate that #character-focused vs a morality tale maybe but that's more of an extreme phrasing #anyway ignore me i'm - #tm

[recallthename]

.

#I am so annoyed rn #and I’m trying to find the space between swallowing it and completely freaking out #the thing about being me is normally people ask things of me and my brain is like ‘it is my job now to do this thing’ #regardless of my actual feelings on the matter #and I’m trying hard lately to… not do that #but idk how without feeling like I’m going to another extreme #I just consider being generous and picking your battles very valuable? #but then I’m like ‘bitch why are you considering playing dnd with your friends a battle?’ #anyway I’ve died in every combat encounter we’ve had including twice in the most recent one #I’m playing a class that I already wasn’t interested in and only chose for party balance #and my dm put restrictions on which subclass I could pick cause she thought some were op #and is now reaching out saying she wants to nerf me cause she thinks I’m to op #yes the girl who was dead for literally the entirety of our last combat encounter is too op #playing one of the THREE subclasses she recommended #I just don’t even know what to say #it’s especially frustrating because she can’t 1) wait and see if it’s actually a problem #or 2) come to me and say ‘I’ve noticed this and I’m worried’ #she’s just like ‘this is what we should do is that cool’ #i love dnd but man I kinda wish I wasn’t playing dnd with these people

[themoonunderstoodmydadjokes]

..

If someone wants to send some nice words my way, it’d be greatly appreciated right now 🫣🫣🥺

(anxiety thoughts in the tags)

#it’s late and I’ve thought myself into a hole #she’s having a panic attack about moving out 😵‍💫 #like do I know things will be fine? yes. am I still panicking? also yes #there’s too many things to do and I’m losing my mind trying to figure out how to get it all done #I’m also just terrified of having bad neighbors or shady landlords and idk I’ve thought about it too much now #and there’s just so many things that could go wrong #and then if they do I’m fucked because I signed a year lease #yes I am gonna go cry about it thanks for asking #trying to trust myself and trust my decisions is HARD #like I know this bitch she makes dumbass decisions #but we’re trusting that this is the right next step and that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing #mine #text post #I don’t do well with change and transition #also logically I know that I can’t be certain of things going well or being fine but we’re trying to think positively😅 #my therapist told me that this is really good and that there will be not so good things that happen but it matters more how I deal with it #which solid advice but also still just wanna cry and panick and avoid change at all costs even if said change is good for me

[soldier-poet-king]

Lmao bitch i THOUGHT given how much shit bro 2 has caused lately it'd be a good opportunity for me to slip in my tattoo plans without my mother's extreme disappointment and I was wrong! God forbid my mother ever approve of me or any of my decisions! Or even just neutral non judgment! Not even that I gave her forewarning rather than just showing up one day in a few months with ink! My mother never takes interest in me and my accomplishments and interests, so why would I expect anything but disappointment over something I knew she wasn't keen on in general? Oh but it's FINE if bro 1's perfect gf has tattoos (which, imo, are tacky ones but that's a matter of personal taste) but she's perfect and can do no wrong and is the feminine daughter my mother wishes she had so whatever I guess

#franposting #SCREAMS #like yes yes I bitch constantly about my dysfunctional family #and parents who are not abusive. like. they didn't hit us. we were fed #but the emotional manipulation and neglect and immaturity???? #THE UNWILLINGESS TO ACKNOWLEDGE FLAWS OR CORRECT FAULTS OR GO TO THERAPY????? #like. they barely gave a shit when i graduated with multiple degrees #idk why i expected even a NEUTRAL response to this #everytime i wake up aching from a dream where im out and loved and not constantly holding my breath #i remember that my parents are like This #and while i might have the barest tolerance i would never be loved #im not even really properly loved now #they love as well as theyre able. but tbh that isnt very well. and they dont try to improve #IM JUST. #everytime im having a decent day thinking my beautiful thinky thoughts #something like this happens #plus major subway delays #its late i got home so late #but im too angry to skip the gym no matter how much i want to #i need to be in some sort of acceptable physical pain for a bit. i have too much anger #and its really just. grief. #and i keep my mouth shut and i smile and play peacekeeper. what choice do i have? #days like today i remember when my father straight up told me that i was not the daughter my mother wanted!!!!!!!!! >:) #consider. i did not want to be a daughter at all. gender schmender. its a prison and i am first and foremost a creachure

[satanfemme]

being both gnc and trans is so hard sometimes. it's like, I'll face adversity for being gnc/trans/whatever-strangers-read-me-as, and in addition to the normal base-level difficultly and pain and fear of these experiences, I'll also feel on some level like it's "my own fault" too because this is what I purposefully decided to be.

I often dress/act like a girl but have a deep voice/facial hair/flat chest -- and I opted in for all of those. I spent more money than I can conceptualize in order to medically transition in those ways. while, in theory, I could've saved the money, not transitioned, continued dressing/acting the same way as I do now, and the problem would no longer exist... in theory. ofc logically I know that's not at all how it works. if I hadn't transitioned I would feel even worse. and the way I'd experience & express gender would still be intrinsically different from "cis girl" -- that's true regardless of how my body looks or sounds. which should all go without saying, because I very obviously don't conform to my CAGAB either. if I did I wouldn't be in this mess!! u know?

...but the self-blame is still there, because for better or for worse I did go out of my way to become myself. <- feels like a truism.

#the other big self doubt-y issue I've been experiencing lately re: being gnc and trans #is feeling like I'm ''faking'' something. to sooo many people I've just come out as a femme/nonbinary man #with no mentions of my cagab cause that's not something I like to share around irl lol #and then I complain ofc about how I'm treated for being feminine. and everyone gives me sympathy which is nice #but it's hard to fully accept cause I wonder how many of them are assuming I was shunned the same way growing up. #when in reality I was punished for not being feminine *enough*. #and ik it shouldn't/doesn't matter in this context. I still struggled then and I still struggle now; they don't cancel out #but it almost feels like I ''tricked'' my way into a marginalization that I don't ''actually'' belong in. idk #like as if I'm ''secretly'' a girl and just pretending my normal girlhood is subversive for attention #or like I should have just been content with the relative safety of my assigned social role #(hm... where have I heard ''why can't you just be ok with being a girl?'' and ''they're just doing it for attention'' before 🤔) #it's def leaps of logic & self-directed transphobia all around but it's hard to shake #and there's a real fear somewhere mixed into it all too of ''what if someone finds out my cagab and decides I'm not actually trans/a man - #- by *their* transphobic logic. even if they previous supported me''. #anyway I hope no one minds the long vent-y post. I needed to sort out my emotions here lol #I have an old ''omg I love being confusing and ambiguous XD'' post gaining notes rn for some reason and #seeing it again while mentally working thru the above just made me feel ill and confused and guilty. feeling better now <3 #and I do love being trans & I love being a femme & I love being a man with a broad and fluid gender #it's just hard too sometimes

[methinmycoffee]

South Park is so wild because I think it’s hard to imagine a more controversial piece of extremely mainstream media. Maybe not so much anymore, because the reputation has shifted so greatly over the last 26 years, but back in the 2000s that shit was everywhere. I don’t need to have been aware of pop culture in that era to know that South Park was a show that everyone had heard of. And it was always, even back then, wrapped up in controversy. But it’s still going strong, with only a handful of banned episodes and an abysmal reputation to its name.

#south park #sorry Idk if this is coherent at all #I know South Park was bigger back in the late 90s early 00s because of how people older than me talk about it #plus it makes sense #there wasn’t anything like South Park back then #now you can watch Big Mouth if you want #South Park I’m sorry we ruined your reputation on both sides #half the people think it’s too offensive to be good and half the people think the fan base is too cringe for it to be good #they’re both right/wrong #it doesn’t matter though #it’s not getting canceled anytime soon #so fuck it we ball #⚽️🏀🏈⚾️🥎🎾🏐🏉🎱 #that’s us balling #<3

[widevibratobitch]

.

#vent post vent post lalalala #i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms #like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun #incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise #quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol) #i dont know why im so obsessed with it now #like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc' #so WHY is it such an issue now????? #idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it #i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time #and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol #but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces #and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity) #every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up #to be fixed somewhat. #i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol #and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her #cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure #like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow. #anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check. #my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane). #god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed