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#idk i guess i just worried abt being judged
xxbl00ds0akeds3raxx · 3 months
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um. hi again, sera… u know i love u. I’m sorry if i overreacted before, but u obviously understand why. i know ur trying, it just all makes me so mad…
uh, but… who is that other person in the ask box that’s been talking recently?? sorry, but if someone’s going to be an asshole about me like that, why bother replying? u know i’m just looking out for u. like u said. maybe this “camille” is being nice to u now, but u know how people are, especially online. i can’t stop u from replying or anything, but don’t accept any offers from this person or anything, please… i don't trust her.
she’s telling u to stop talking to me… she doesn’t even know me! u know that ur the only person i talk to. i wouldn’t be anything without u. I don’t have any friends or anything… everyone at school hates me for no reason… ur the only one that understands me. please don’t let her get to ur head, my beloved.
if u come over i could show u my love again… i just want to see you. <3
- kylar
hii kyky <3 i love you too!! i hope u know that <33 ofc u have every right to be upset. i shouldn't have been hiding anything from u. u put sm trust into me & deserve tha same amount of effort 2 b put back into u :(
the person in my inbox is just a kind someone who stumbled upon my page ^_^ she means well & wants me 2 be safe like u do but ummm,,, ya ur right
she doesn't know us irl so ofc take whut she says w/ a grain of salt. it's hard 2 judge a situation when ur not in it and idk apparently ppl think i'm "prone to exaggeration" on here and apparently too "unwell" that it makes me overemotional & clouds my judgment (¬_¬ ). so maybe i dont portray thingz 100% accurately (╯︿╰)???
either way plz dont worry any of that !!! i've no plans to take any offers to get away from u <3 um.... if you want me 2 stop replying to her,, i guess i could? idk :( i know u dont trust her but— idk. we will talk abt this face 2 face in a bit ^^;
ehehehe "show u my love" o-m-g. stopp it you,,,, (´▽`ʃƪ) 'm kidding p;ls dontstop,iloveit. as soon i post this i'll b over in 10 min :] wont keep u waiting i promise!! <3
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mattypattypinky · 1 month
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Sometimes I worry that ppl judge me for self shipping w him and that popular 🌻 artists r gonna think I'm weird............ reblogging their shit constantly...
but then again like if they didn't like me reblogging their art they can just block me or tell me and i can block them, it's rlly not that deep??? I doubt ppl actually dislike me interacting w their art like rbs are a good thing right??? but then again idk. I guess it comes down to communication? like if they didn't like me they can tell me to stop interacting or block me. maybe ppl don't even dislike me and I'm just... coming up w a scenario in my head BAHAHAH😭
I'm just over complicating it sometimes in my head bc I am afraid of being unwanted and also slightly anxious about being a visible figure in the under.tale community bc like...yeeeeeeeeesh......
Especially since a lot of the fandom debates on his age and his sexuality and stuff. like I remember seeing that shit BLOW UP on twitter a few months ago.
Which like, to each their own, both hcs are not incorrect
if u hc him as a kid still or as aroace / loveless that's fine, like we all interpret him diff and I'm not gonna sit around and say the loveless thing is entirely incorrect / not canon
I'm just so worried abt like ppl w the opposite hcs or views coming at me since it has happened before on twitter and stuff I've noticed and it's frightening to see which is quite silly imo bc it's not like I'm like... committing a Heinous crime by fantasizing abt romantic dinner dates w a flower 😭
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hyunsvngs · 6 months
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juno idk if this is a weird question? but i’m just curious HFFBDJDB but you’ve mentioned before you have a long term bf and i was wondering how he feels about you being into in kpop? i’ve worried a lot about getting into relationships with stray kids/kpop as a whole being one of my biggest interests i feel like most dudes would be very… put off by it? maybe feeling like they’d feel inadequate(?) because i like kpop men HSJSH IDK HOW TO WORD IT!!! and i think kpop stans (esp girls) have a bit of a bad rap bc of the fandom culture so . i guess i’m just wondering how does ur bf feel? does he judge you? how did you tell him you liked kpop and did it weird him out?
HIIIII LOL. he so doesn’t care. he knows i’d marry han jisung given the chance and he knows abt this blog. he so doesn’t care tbh hes the most unbothered human in the world. u just have to find the right MEN
the first time he came over to my house i had my kpop albums and posters ON DISPLAY IN FRONT OF HIS EYES so i couldnt rlly deny it. but he doesnt mind abt it and he actually loves felix with all of his heart so.
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ok wait question kinda abt plurality can an alter cause like. gender envy in a way? like the really bad kind where u think ur gonna cry if u cant be that guy immediately. maybe thats closer 2 straight up dysphoria idk. and like if so can i also ask like. how i guess?? like would it be them just wanting their actual body?? asking specifically in a case where theyre either not fronting at all or are maybe cofronting but being like really super subtle about that fast
This seems like complicated situation for you. To summarize what I believe is going on, you are envious of another alter in your system to the point it is causing you emotional distress, correct? And this distress is either similar or identical enough to gender dysphoria that you feel making the comparison is at least somewhat accurate, but you're not sure why it's happening, or if it's even possible in the first place. (If I have misjudged the situation, please do let me know.)
Firstly, I'd say this is possible. You're experiencing it, aren't you? That alone makes it possible; dysphoria, gender envy, and systemhood are all personal and subjective experiences, so the only way to judge how "possible" a situation like this is is to ask if there's a personal account of such experiences, which you have. Perhaps you've gotten some wording or details incorrect, but I'm not worried about that. The gist of the problem is communicated well enough, and I believe you when you say you have this problem, so I'd say yes, this is possible.
Besides – similar things happen with singlets. There are plenty of trans and genderqueer people who want to look/sound/etc a certain way, and who get dysphoria from seeing or being around those that are, in their eyes, living as they wish they could. It's not too terribly hard to believe that the same thing could happen in a system.
Secondly, I can't say for certain "how" this has happened, but I can make some guesses.
If it's something that only pops up when this alter is fronting, it may be a matter of behavior; many actions, both subtle (like the way one stands or takes off a shirt) and not (like the hobbies or career a person has), are seen as traditionally either masculine or feminine, and it's possible that this alter behaves in a way that is usually considered more masculine or feminine.* For example, if you have dysphoria over appearing masculine, and this alter happens to stand in a way that is traditionally considered feminine, you may find yourself experiencing dysphoria over not standing in a way that is "feminine enough" by comparison. In short, the (subconscious) line of thought here is, "They're acting in a way that clearly communicates the gender I feel I am, but I'm not as good at acting that way, which makes me dysphoric."
There's also the matter of... well, for lack of a better term, vibes. Some systems are able to "sense" their headmates/alters to some degree, and sometimes alters can "feel" masculine or feminine. Or, if it's a matter of internal communication, an alter may "sound" masculine or feminine – or, if it's a matter of appearance in the innerworld, an alter may appear more masculine or feminine. There's a lot that can go into expressing gender, even in your own head! If you feel your gender presentation/expression doesn't match your desires as well as your alter matches it, that may be a source of dysphoria. To restate a point made earlier, this is something common for trans and genderqueer singlets – no reason why it couldn't happen to you, too.
Gender dysphoria is tricky as a system, as not everyone may be able to properly present as themselves. Alters who are dysphoric over having breasts may find themselves in opposition with alters who would feel dysphoric without breasts. Alters who find their body's deep voice to be euphoric may be in opposition with alters who find such a deep voice to be dysphoric. So, yes, it may be a case of wanting your own body – one where you can make decisions about presentation and transition without worrying about causing stress or tension in their system. But that's not really what you're getting at, is it?
You were asking about how one may have distressing gender envy – or dysphoria – as an alter. I believe I've answered this to the best of my ability, although it should be noted that I am not an expert on your mind or gender. These are merely theories based on what I know about your situation and the accounts I've heard in both system and genderqueer spaces.
Now, then – why don't we discuss some methods that might decrease your dysphoria?
There are, of course, the classics – voice training, gender affirming clothing, gender affirming hairstyles, packing or binding. There's also using makeup to make your face appear more masculine or feminine, or engaging in specific hobbies that are more closely associated with your true gender, or at least less closely associated with your assigned gender. For system specific tips, I would suggest trying to give yourself a more affirming appearance in headspace – it may take a while, and isn't achievable by all systems, but we've known many alters and headmates that could partly or fully change how they look in-sys, given enough practice of visualizing themselves differently.
You're far from alone when it comes to dealing with gender dysphoria, anon, even if it's from such a specific cause. Why not look up some other suggestions on how to reduce gender dysphoria? Remember, though, you know yourself best, and that means that whatever gender you feel you are, you are that gender, no matter what your dysphoria says.
Hope this helps and you have a good day, anon!
*(Note: I focused on masculinity and femininity because it helped keep my response and explanation as clear as possible, but similar cases could be made for androgyny or other gender related expressions/identities.)
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brainrot-stitch · 3 months
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Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)
It's nice just to like
Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.
Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.
I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.
There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.
It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.
There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...
Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.
The crickets are gone
I miss them 💔
I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.
But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.
Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3
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deathweak · 5 months
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my review (ish) of whole cake island saga/one piece until chapter 902 (obv spoilers until then)
originally my fav arc was alabasta. then water seven/enies lobby. then it was impel down. then it was punk hazard/dressrosa. but then...whole cake island... actual emotional rollercoaster
the best part of this arc was definitely how human some of big moms kids were. my fav new characters introduced in this arc were pudding, chiffon, brulee and katakuri. i wish that big moms kids will all escape from her.. oda writes abusive families a lot, even the 'good' parents will beat their kids in one piece, i guess thats just the world they live in... but when it's a bad parent... oh man.
i managed to somehow not get spoiled about sanjis family at all, i was pretty shocked abt the reveal. i love reiju, even tho she was complicit in/a bystander to a lot of the abuse sanji suffered, i dont think there was anything more she couldve done. she saved his life multiple times over. i really hope we get to see her again.
but the best character in this arc was pudding. her mood swings/evil personality/tsundere gag wasnt the funniest ever but she was genuinely so human.. the way i kept going back and forth like.. is she just pretending to be evil? is she pretending to be in love with him? is she gonna betray him?? AND THE KISS... i actually ship sanji and pudding just a little ..
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like i actually cried here. her arc was just chefs kiss(lol) amazing.
my other favourite antagonists were brulee and katakuri. at first i didnt like either of them, but after how much the gang bullied brulee i started to feel sorry for her and grew fond of her. i also always end up having a soft spot for odas 'ugly' female characters since it's just such a breathe of fresh air inbetween all the uncomfortable fan service (honestly the fan service kinda ruins a lot of scenes)
i didnt think there would be any deeper connection between brulee and katakuri until the very last moment, and this scene is one of my favourites in the whole series
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like. brulees SMILE. the scar. katakuri was just defending his sister.. also the way flampe thought she was the favourite sister. nah!! thats brulee!!! i fucking ended up really loving her. i mean without her powers being abused by straw hats they wouldve all died. sorry brulee, you didnt deserve that... i hope mama didnt punish her after. also the way that katakuri was glad luffy got away!! he gained so much respect for luffy during their fight. Also i love how hes lowkey a jojo reference (and your next line will be...)
the way that a lot of big moms kids think theyre monsters is so sad.. but these three are just my favourites. i honestly love them. this arc is really about family bonds.. blood family and found family especially.
like sanji calling zeff his father multiple times and denouncing judge, but still hes such a kind person he had to save his blood family anyway. SANJIIiii. man. the way he really is. truly. KIND. i hate whenever hes being a complete pervert, sometimes its funny when hes in the respect women mode but when hes just being a creep i hate him. but this arc made me appreciate him a lot more, and i can kinda forget abt all the weird stuff.
when he was crying in the rain, lost all hope, and luffy gives him the light again..
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i like that men are allowed to cry in one piece. like kyros cried all the time after being turned human again, and sanji cried multiple times in this arc. i cried at this scene as well.. luffy really out here saving the lives/souls of his whole crew. hes such a pure bright star..
lastly this scene!! CORAZOOOOONNNN!!! luffy didnt even know about that..the way he held his mouth shut and forced a smile to make sure his crew wouldnt be worried.
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if i didnt know that he was gonna survive i might have actually thought he was gonna die
the annoying part about one piece for me is the plot armor tbh. theres no stakes, bc i know none of the straw hats can die. idk if id want one of them to die but it would bring some real shock to the readers. like the gang will pretty much always win by some trick in the end, sometimes its funny like how usopp defeated sugar, but sometimes it feels like a bit of a cop out. but i think luffy and katakuris fight was believable, the only gripe i have with it is that it was dragged out a biiit too long. this arc couldve been a good 5-10 chapters shorter if oda hadnt dwelled so long on things.
also i love love love how lola became relevant again and chiffon wanted to repay the debt of nami saving her twin sister, also mamas vivre card coming in clutch lmao. nami was epic in this arc, she went up against big mom without losing her shit too badly. i love her sadistic streak lolll. cant forget brook in this either, he was hilarious.
finally. RIP pound. a great father. also RIP pedro. two good guy casualties in one arc, is oda finally permakilling people?
overall id say this arc was a 9/10. -1 point for being a bit dragged out and the fan service with reiju.
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nat-stimmy · 2 years
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nobody ever suspected anything. i never thought anything was specifically wrong with me. i guess im still in denial over my diagnosis and im ngl it is something i am highly embarrassed of and will go to the grave with this rather than ever tell anybody EXCEPT...if they think im weird, then maybe i will tell them.
i often feel like i have been wrongly diagnosed too. i just feel like i dont have this and im just, severe anxiety is all.
can i just say something though? like its a burden on me, for real. so i was "working" in this little cafe thingy slash idek i was sat on the computer doing these pamphlets and whatnot for them because nobody knew anything on how to make them or something, idk, but i was on a walk with this one woman who works there, she's like this one person who, if something happens, like i cant figure something out, she's the one i should talk to and whatnot. but we were on this walk and i still remember this despite this happening in fucking 2018. sorry for cussing...but she was like, SO SHOCKED when she asked me if i had gone to a special needs classes, and i said no i had never, always went to a normal class and school, had no issues whatsoever with school except for the matter of fact that i fucking hated school and homework, i have never been a fan of it, but the way she was like shocked over it, i was taken aback, i honestly felt insulted. like she thinks im stupid or something? and thats the issue i know people who go to special classes and whatnot arent necessarily stupid but the fact when people judge my knowledge, is what gets to me. she's also make damn sure i know they are kidding and whatnot, when i used to live off being sarcastic due to severe bullying online i developed this sarcastis persona that thankfully toned down eventually. but that really insulted me lmao. was thinking "...excuse me?" i just dont like people being like that to me.
again i apologise but thats just how i be. be working. and i know im gonna possibly get yelled at for saying that but again ik they aint stupid, but thats just what i thought, and unfortunately think, because...judgement. like that. gets to me. but only irl.
sorry for this awkward rant.
i completely understand, don't worry! and dont worry abt cursing i swear all the time JKLFDJKLDSF yeah, i was never in any special ed classes even when i was misdiagnosed as a kid as having ADHD (a rushed diagnosis forced by the school i was going to at the time because they said i'd be kicked out if i didnt get medicated even though i wasnt. doing anything. i was just doing Normal Autistic Kid stuff) actually i was in advanced classes as a kid! i was reading at a college level in like 3rd grade and so i got put in the gifted program and while you and I know that being in special ed isn't anything bad, or indicative of your intelligence, NT people usually don't share that opinion and generally have ableist ideas of the kinds of kids who are in those classes, and honestly i'd have been a little taken aback too as someone who is proud of being autistic since i Don't Fucking Trust Allistics and i tend to assume the worst in scenarios like this
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letslive-hwaiting · 9 months
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miss my bff of many yrs. decided to part ways too. LOL i know it sounds strange but yeah, it happens. i have delayed response so.. it's after a few yrs or after at least a year where i start missing the person n think of patching up... but to many people, too much time has passed i guess? and it's awkward.
sometimes, i rly didn't know it then. just like how i have memories from long ago which i dislike now. delayed response.
so since i don't have a bestfriend to talk about all things including silly things to, i am here.
sorry for being judge-y and stuff if i am pls do not mind me... (but i bet girls talk about stuff like that and even more tgt ok).
do not take what i say seriously. i may not mean it. i may change my opinion the next second.
heart signal 4
jimin!! ^^ the younger people are, the more "pure" their liking for someone is ? ☺️🤭
people r different when they r with diff ppl haha and i guess people aren't always more charming with who they like
i think shin min kyu liked ji min from the start. he just didn't know it when he chose ji young as who he'd like on instinct. he should have known he liked ji min instinctively. at first sight.
people do fall in love at 1st sight. it's more common than u think. (not physical appearance , just .. fateful encounters? spark?)
the guys are all charming imo, frm a 3rd perspective when they rly like a particular female ☺️ the more they like the female, the more charming they appear to me hehee
ep6:
if i'm ji young, i would like gyeo re. if im jimin, i'd still like jiwon. for jumi , i can't rly tell her real feelings yet or she isnt rly having that much feelings invested... so idk but maybe i'd choose gyeo re? maybe ji won? or shin min kyu? idk? def the 4th female occupant idk yet. i cant put myself in her shoes bc not much airtime so idk abt her yet but maybeee if i m her i'd choose .. irdk
ep7:
whoo i love how minkyu is so serious about liking only jimin 👏👏👏 even though the other girls showed interest in him n he even knows jimin is into another guy. a-ma-zinggg i like 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻pls stay that way till the end of the show (bc forever is not too possible, i guess)
i knw ive been mentioning minkyu the most but it's bc this is still a public space n so i talked abt the guy i personally wouldn't fall for most, haha.(as an outsider. not putting myself in anyone's shoes. so doesnt mean im saying he is bad in any way. he's def charming - obviously since 3/4 women there like him)
ep8:
i think right, i might be least attracted to minkyu because we're a bit similar. out of the 8 people there, i'm most similar to him.
if people can develop romantic feelings for one another so easily, is that why people can't stay loyal? imagine in a world full of people... =0 nonono, let me stay out of such fragile useless game
ep11:
gyeo re felt that he was being led on by ji young?? was he in his own world?
thats y i find it hard .. like i want to have friends and sometimes guy friends seem more comfortable to have . but how much of a distance should i keep?? like.. what if i feel comfortable with an attached guy totally as friends and i am totally definitely not want to break a couple up, but my church believes strongly in distancing from other females other than the gf/wife.
n if i feel confortable w an attached guy friend , last time i thought, great! we'll totally b friends nth to worry about having those feelings. but now it's even more worrisome like i feel cautious about the gf/wife like try to make sure the gf/wife is okay w our interaction.
if he's single i want to b the one hearing about his attraction with other girls instead. or if i hang out w single guys, what if ppl think im trying to find a bf? or if i hang out w a particular guy im comfortable with , ppl think we are dating. can i have friends pls.
at some point, i became not so nice n kinda cold bc i didnt want ppl to think im nice n then think im not nice n think im fake. or if im nice to guys ppl think i like them n trying to attract attention or whatever. and also im actually v v v v v shy = kind of cold/mean. also ppl should understand certain situations/circumstance can cause us to react/act in ways. but since u r not me n i am not u , ppl do not understand and come to bad conclusions/judgement of someone instead. if you do not have a gd judgement of someone be a decent human and DONT GOSSIP ABOUT THE PERSON OR VOICE IT OUT TO OTHERS LA! keep it in your stupid head.
u may say, be nice to everyone lorr. BUT i am a human who likes a few people more than others must i treat every1 the same??? im not a teacher here yknow. i prioritise loyalty too so i believe in being obviously better to ppl who matter n who im responsible for and obv i want to be better to someone i like more whattt.. n some ppl make me more comfortable so i can laugh more n stuff??
i dont get comfortable w a lot of ppl even if we appear as friends.. like out of all my girlfriends my whole life incl those ive talked to and all, ive only ever felt comfortable with 2?3? maybe 1?
are the girls who turn out well those who receive a lot of love and do not have very bad experiences that affect them toooo much? jiyoung seems like someone who had good experiences and received love growing up and through puberty and life.
ep 12
ji won said love is be happy together, not he will make her happy.
.. 😂 it makes sense but... i want a guy to make me happy, not tell me to be happy with him? totally my opinion.
ep 13
i'm actually rooting for yisoo. bc jiyoung has the other 3 guys liking her already... even if she likes minkyu that much, i hope minkyu likes yi soo or even ji min or jumi instead. gotta be fair yknow..(n not like im jy's fan or anyth. if i like sm1 a lot thn i would root for that person regardless)
but got to give it up to her for being so faithful in her feelings to minkyu!! she didn't even sway when other guys liked her so much! she must have another set of criteria/things she's attracted to =0
and minkyu. . ah.. he's too passive, (like me, i'm even worse) . how can like that.. a little frustrating to watch. i think he's someone who chose the easier route, maybe bc yi soo was more obvious with her feelings and maybe bc he didn't like feeling like he was taking away jy when other guys liked her. or maybe he just wasnt rly attracted to any1 so ge was trying to navigate based on what he thought. or maybe bc jy said she wanted to rest alone.if i were in the same situation as him, i would have made the same decisions as him too drk y...
i feel that yi soo is not as strong as ji young.. she's actually a softer person if u get what i mean. n got to applaud her for liking minkyu so much when he's not that nice to her
😂 when people think they showed their feelings to the person they like, the person doesn't get the signal. and when they behave normally or otherwise with someone else, the someone else might get the wrong signal and take it the wrong way . 😂😂
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troglobite · 1 year
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lakjdlfk
my favorite little phenomenon is
"you can't tell if someone is [queer/trans/autistic/disabled] just by looking at them!"
and then we can all spot each other anyway lol
it's basically just peak "recognizing the self through the other" type shit and i LOVE that
and i will say there are caveats! bc it's recognizing the SELF through the other! so if there are too many societal and cultural differences between you and the other person, good luck trying to clock them as anything, y'know? lol
like idk what queer subcultures look like in nairobi or eastern african countries and cities in general, y'know what i mean?
but i do know vaguely what queer subcultures look like in most of north america, even if i don't know all of the specifics, etc.
like idk what would be considered Weird or Abnormal behaviors in indonesian culture, so spotting a neurodivergent person might be a little more difficult
but spotting one in north america is a little bit easier
and so i really do love this phenomenon
bc it's like
"i know what we're generally like over here, and i see you, do you see me? i see you bc we are Similar. so i see you in ways that other people might ignore or misread or ostracize."
and i really like that.
it's nice.
it's also just funny bc i saw a comic today on an autistic fb page that was like
"...and i think it's bc i'm autistic that i relate to my students so well" - "oh you're autistic? i never would've guessed, you don't look it!" - "...what does autistic look like? no really." - [awkward silence, they leave] [autistic friend pipes in] - "lol yeah that's what i thought. there is no look." - [time skip] - "oh look one of us! that guy is totally autistic." - "oh absolutely, 100%"
and it's just. nice and true. it's sweet.
it doesn't come from stereotypes.
it comes from the kind of Seeing and observation that you can only get from being around other people and having a deep understanding of what it means to be these ways in your particular place and society and culture, etc.
the most that other people who fit the norms can do is just "oh that is Other."
but they can't get more specific than that
meanwhile here's a silly example
have y'all seen the big brunch? it's on hbo max. dan levy and sohla el-waylly are hosts and judge, and there's this third guy who's host/judge.
and my mom asked if he was gay
and i sat and looked at him and thought abt it
and i said
"mm. no. he's just one of those non-threatening straight guys who really loves his wife."
and so i looked him up to check and lo and behold he has a wife who's even more accomplished than him. lol
like THAT.
like she saw him being nice and having an "effeminate" voice and presence, and went. ? gay?
and i saw that and went "no not quite. he's this other type of guy."
and i was right. lol
i love pattern recognition i love SEEING people and not grouping them to minimize or flatten them but to lump lovely people together based on lovely traits and stuff.
i mean you can also do this with jackasses, bc being able to recognize complete bigots is also a life-saving thing/skill
but it's NICE to me, to look at someone and have an Idea of them quickly, not based on my own quick prejudiced born and raised biases, but through observation of other people and Learning.
sometimes you don't even realize there's a Category of person until someone asks abt a person who would "fit" in that category and you're like "oh yeah i know this kind of person."
and it's just one aspect of them but it's a nice little thing
okay i've strayed v far from this i'm just Thinking Thoughts out here
but my brain likes to categorize ppl in v atomized ways that acknowledge bits and pieces of their personality and humanity, and occasionally in ways that keep me, a person whose existence is the target of many bigotries, safer
but it's nice.
i always worry that i'm limiting ppl or assuming too much or being unfair or Stereotyping
but i never LIMIT those ppl to the various categories i "put" them in. i just like seeing that, while we're all individuals, there are "types" that line up, sometimes, and humans are all connected in that way, and it's NICE.
like i mean ffs what do we think the Category "himbos" means y'know? lol
and it is funny bc like, yeah i'd wanna be "gatekeepy" over categories bc they're supposed to SEE someone
so yeah ppl arguing abt who is ACTUALLY a twink, who is ACTUALLY a bear, bc societal perceptions around acceptable body hair and fat/weight and whatever are totally skewed and harm us, etc
okay i'm way off the original point
YOU FUCKING GET IT, OKAY. lol
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//. i might reboot my personal and start posting artwork of my old oc’s on it.... and current oc’s. if anyone is interested in seeing all the past cringe. i kinda wanna talk abt. my old non ffxiv/yakuza oc’s lmao and just talking in general.
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pepprs · 5 years
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i finally have my first counseling appointment on tuesday and im kinda scared but it’s fine!
#i hate how this happens!!! cuz now im like oh do i actually even need counseling? like things are managable rn u know.. idk. when i started#seekig it i was in a really bad place and i needed help desperately but it took too long and here we are and now im scared i dont even need#it and i kinda wanna like chicken oht of it i guess :( and idk how to tell ppl cuz i know im gonna have to give an excuse for why i wont be#around or on campus and stuff and idk what to say cuz if i say im going to counseling they might think something is wrong :( and something#IS wrong like im in some rough spots rn and i really probably should talk to someone abt them but this is a step up frm on campus counseling#and like im just. kinda scared abt it and scared ppl will judge me idk. it doesnt even matter i shouldnt worry abt that but ummmm lol im#realizing more ad more that i habe trouble w being perceived as needing help! ad thats exactly the kind of thing that uh. that counseling#can help w i guess. also im scared bc i have to take campus transit to it and ive never done that before and i’ll be completely by myself#and idk the area and i wont be able to get back to campus gor like 2 hours after my appt probably bc the bus doesnt pick up until quarter#till the hour and then its an hour long ride back somehow. so idk. itll probbaly be fine im just scared for a lot of reasons lol#but its the same thing like shit would fucking suck last yr and then id get to my counselor on campus and have nothing to say bc things were#fine again and it was just bad timing! idk! 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔#purrs
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winking · 4 years
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😯😯😯😯
#rant time#ive been thinking about so many things lately first of all how in year from now im gonna be getting ready to graduate... some advisor said#im graduating early and like it makes me so excited.. more excited than happy cause i dont feel proud? i#my entire college experience has been super mediocre especially my grades.. i have 2 more semesters to raise my gpa but idk as long as its#above 3.0 maybe it will go highter this semester who knows#im always rlly worried abt my presentation on tues#i wish i was a good public speaker but im awful my anxiety gets the best of me u would think the more i do it the more i approve but theres#no improvement at all.. im the same nervous wreck ive been since middle school#my hands sweat my legs shake my voice shakesbut the worst thing is that my mind goes completely blank ... i can deal with looking embarrasse#but i cant do anythung abt my mind just blanking .. standing there while my brain spits out words that makes no sense stuttering nothing is#coherent its the most humilating thing in the world .. preparing for something and knowing the naterial but coming off as stupid .. i base#my intelligence on being able to explain something bht i cant even do that its awful and im so sad ik everyone struggles w this to an extent#but to me it feels like the end of the workd every day#crying after everytime after my history class cause i was too scared to speak up so now he thinks i didnt do any work when i did .. i read#the entire weekend for no reason ... i cant even hse the bathroom my anxiety is ruining my life#just sobbed while writint all that lets go to the next topic. im rlly struggling to eat healthy i did successfully for a month and then it#went to shit but idk why its so hard now ... but im obsessed with eating#i feel so alone i contemplated talking abt this but i just have to say it and i hope no one judges me for it i guess#i have no emotional support right now or sny support? i talked to a school advisor for 3 mins and i felt so unwelcomed it was rushed#80% sure she told me the wrong information too i hated it so much ... i tried going to therapy and i called to make an appointment nd they#told me i had to go to a walkin and i cant do it so mamy times while i wait ohtside the door and i cant walk in .. not that it matters since#i read somewhere theyre conpletely booked i cant even see a therapist#i feel so uncomfortable at my parents house cause of something that happened to them it feels so weird and i dont wanna be here#i hve no friends online or irl#i dont even think i have the energy to reach out to anyone rn im just trying to survive each day#it just makes me think like ... ya no one in my life has asked me how i am ... and i try to get help to but it didnt work out#this is the most ... valid depressive time of my life#like i used to be depressed when i was a teen but i had friends and teachers who cared abt me but now its like ya im completely alone#im rlly better off dead#im just so tired
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toytulini · 5 years
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Kingda Ka is just...tall...
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ironmandeficiency · 3 years
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pedro boys + spending habits
word count: fuck if i know, wrote it thru the app
characters: din, marcus m, dave, pero, marcus p, oberyn, max, frankie, whiskey, maxwell, javier, ezra
a/n: idk what caused this to happen but it works i guess. hope they make sense
✨support my ko-fi✨
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trust him with your money, your drink, your social security number, everything:
din. this man is barely scraping by on his own when you first meet him. when he adds the kid to the mix, he gets even more frugal than he already is with an old as sin ship that many people are surprised to see fly. he will have a policy of “you earn it, you choose what to do with it” and since he goes after most of (if not all) the bounties to keep you all alive, he has the final say in how most of the credits are spent. he does want you to have nice things though, so he makes sure to configure the budget to where you don’t have to pour your credits into the group’s survival money very often. it’s the least he can do. he’s very big on taking care of his people and will show that in small ways.
marcus m. he’s a single dad for a significant amount of time, he has no choice but to be responsible with his money. he has to take care of missy, keep them both fed and housed and healthy, and that’s not even touching on how expensive all of high school graduation and college will be once she gets there. he teaches missy very early in life how important money is bc he doesn’t want her to ever know how it feels to not have enough. he makes a considerable amount of money w the heroics tho so he can afford to responsibly splurge on you both, but not constantly. is very cautious abt the splurging becoming a habit
dave. yeah he may be a murderer, but he’s scary great at managing his money (to continue being able to murder). he’s got his ex wife’s alimony (that still pisses him off but that’s another story) and two girls he takes care of, there’s no other choice for him either. there’s never a worry about dave having a midlife crisis and spending money on some stupid dad thing (like a motorcycle or assless chaps or a country club membership) because he murders to keep his mind off that sort of stuff. files his taxes diligently every year the day tax season starts and will pass this wisdom to the girls.
pero. he’s very good at judging if you need something or not. if it can’t feed you, keep you healthy, kill someone, or protect you, you don’t need to buy it. definitely not a man who indulges in trinkets and frivolous things that do nothing but weigh down his horse and his person. will encourage this way of thinking with whoever travels with him to whatever extent he can, but won’t be a dick about it if you have something sentimental on your person. if it’s a necessity, he will splurge on a bed and bath at an inn but not much else for a while. cheap because he has to be
marcus p. i don’t think i have to explain this one so i won’t. no i’m not being lazy who said that?
maybe you’ll be fine if he’s in charge. maybe:
oberyn. being a prince (and himself), there are different ways this could go. he spends his money frivolously at brothels & on his daughters + other loved ones (as well as other luxuries) and doesn’t really seem to be the type to keep tabs on it all as he goes. but... he’s a prince in a prosperous kingdom and so there isn’t really a worry for money. he’s known as the red viper for many reasons, including his clever nature and the ease with which he can get what he wants thru whatever means necessary. if you want for something that he can’t buy, you know he will find a way to get it for you (which can be a problem sometimes).
max. he’s good with money in the sense of perpetuating capitalism — that’s the red flag here. hell, he’s gonna be investing into bitcoin and who knows what stock market bs & bc it’s max, of course you trust him. max can’t control the stock market tho, so sometimes things are a little iffy. it always evens itself out though, and you make sure in the future that he invests his money instead of your joint money. he’s still gonna share anyways, it just helps you have a little more peace of mind.
frankie. he just wants to take care of you, okay? you can’t fault him for that 🥺 he maneuvers his budget around to make sure he can do all these nice things for you while leaving his own needs unchecked, which isn’t okay. he just wants to provide for the ppl he loves the best he can, but the problem begins when he starts to think he isn’t doing enough. his insecurity & lack of self-worth (fueled by his guilt for “not being everything you deserve”) is what makes him agree to the Trip™️ in the first place. once he comes back & sees you frantic, only wanting him home and not giving a flying fuck about the money, does he realize that you’re devoted to him and not what he can do for you.
whiskey. working for statesman made him forget what things really cost bc he suddenly never had to worry again about not having enough money. being with someone that isn’t practically made of money will snap him back into reality. he looks at his bank statements and his balance occasionally, but our big spender cowboy hasn’t really counted money as something he worries about for a while. when he constantly showers you in expensive gifts (only the best for his baby, that’s his motto) and you tell him that he has to not do that bc he’ll go broke, he plays it off because he doesn’t remember having to worry. separate bank accounts are only because you want to make sure your money is being spent smartly (even though jack has offered constantly to pay for literally anything you need).
don’t give him anything you want to see again:
maxwell. as much as i love this dork, he’s absolute shit with money. when his business is falling apart (bc he made the stupid ass decision to buy the oil rigs no one wanted bc they weren’t producing oil), he throws it all into saving face and trying to make investors buy into something that isn’t there. what a smart business man would’ve done was liquidate his assets and possibly try to get into a business that will yield at least some profit. he does learn his lesson tho and eventually can be trusted with money, but even he is hesitant to do anything with the household finances. he’s a dreamer, and dreams and money are the same as oil and water.
javier. i know you’re possibly surprised but hear me out. he’ll go all in to get info, whether he’s spending american taxpayer money or his own money or anyone else’s, if it’s valuable info that can be bought, it’s gonna be bought even if he goes without groceries for the next two weeks. before being with you, it was booze and prostitutes and cigarettes that ate away at his checks outside of buying information. the only thing that really changed once you got together was the prostitutes and slightly less cigarettes and booze. however, when he goes back to laredo permanently, he’s perfectly capable of keeping his shit in line. he’ll balance every checkbook in sight and run a tight af ship.
ezra. this man is a scavenger by necessity, a con man by choice. he has a silver tongue and a roguish charm and pretty questionable morals; he’s not gonna have any issue with getting his hands dirty. he’s probably gonna use your joint money to try and pull a fast one on some unsuspecting stranger (“it’ll double our money,” he says, “it’ll be fine,” he says), but then said stranger will end up turning the tables and leave you both absolutely broke. yeah he will feel guilty, no doubt. the only problem is that he won’t take it as a “hey don’t do it again” lesson, it’ll be a “this is how i can improve for next time.” eventually you have to put your foot down and take control of the money and when he realizes that you’re improving your lives much better than he is, he will thank you for it.
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all pedro character taglists: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @leias-left-hair-bun @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @mackstrut @torradoza @simping-for-fives @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @artemis61003 @majorshiraharu @getdookuedon @capricornrabies @max--phillips @darklingveracruz @book-of-anarchy @andysficrecs @purelypascal @whovianwar @lv7867 @hornystarwarsbisexual @kaermorons @princess76179 @pedropasscals @greeneyedblondie44 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @qhbr2013 if you don’t want to be tagged, lemme know!! the link to join is in my bio
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nexyra · 3 years
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What is your take on rwby chara's mbti types? I think
Weiss - xSTJ, thought that she was ESTJ at first but ISTJ makes a lot of sense too.
Winter - ESTJ
Pyrrha - ESFJ
Emerald - ISFJ (I've seen some ppl type her as INFJ but I don't see how she is a Ni dom?)
Whitley - ENTJ? I'm honestly not sure abt that..
Adam - fucked up xNFJ, probably INFJ (seen him typed as xNTJ but his delusional thinking process imo screams unhealthy Ti and I think his manipulation of Blake and the WF is more Fe than Te
Qrow - was thinking ISTP but with the more recent volumes I'm really not sure..
Penny - ENFP
Ozpin - Uuuuuh INTP maybe?? But I've seen some people type him as INFJ. INFJ 5w6 would make sense as to why he might appear as an INTP but idk..
Bartholomew- ENTP
Jaune - no fucking idea honestly
Ironwood - ENTJ
Sun - Seen ppl type him as ENFP but I don't see any Ne at all..,,ESFP?
Yang - ESxP, maybe ESTP
Cinder - INTJ
Mercury - ISTP
Oscar - ISFJ
Ren - ISTx?
Hello anon ! I see my love for typology hasn't gone unnoticed 😂 Thank you so much for the ask !
I prefer enneagram over MBTI because I find it easier to type; so fair warning that I'm not an authority on MBTI-typing. But I do have have an ongoing RWBY typing that includes MBTI sooo... here goes !
(I'm putting my ennea typings along with it, but not explaining them on this post)
➸ RWBYJNPR
Ruby • xNFP 6w7 9w1 2w3?
I just can't decide between the two fors Ruby because... it kind of goes both way ??? Like Ruby definitely feels as INFP for the first half of the series; she's got a clear Fi > Ne preference... But then when she develops her Tert in V6 it's just... Te ? And she really doesn't show much Si actually she fits more the Si inf vibe in the form of forgetting about bad memories and her mom until people dig it up and she's like "nooo !" ?? So it looks like Te > Si but also Fi > Ne; conclusion idfk
Weiss • ISTJ 1w2 6w5 3w4 sp/so
Clear Fi tert rearing its head along with the 1 so I'm going with ISTJ; I also never really saw any Ne. Her type isn't too disagreed upon so tell me if you want a lenghtier explanation.
Blake • ISFP 6w5 9w8 4w3 (in some order)
Wooh this might get the anger of some (i have experience with the INFJ typers) but Blake goddamn REEKS of Fi. Less so recently but for the first seasons oh my god. She straights up catch you by the shirt and tells you "I'm doing the right thing"; and said right thing is so heavily dependant on her own subjectives values, which is why Blake can't reconcile with the current White Fang; because she doesn't have a strong Je vision of "what objectively works in the end", she only sees actions in terms of immediate right and wrong, and this b&w dichotomy stems from herself. What the WF is doing is wrong and the circumstances don't matter for judging the morality of their actions (of course I'm not talking about murder here bc that's pretty wrong ALL THE TIME but for example the stealing occuring in V1 bc of the WF is a better example)
Yang • ESXP 7w8 8w7 2w3
I'm sorry about that but I can't help you on that aspect anon, I still can't make up my mind about whether Yang has Fi or Ti. I have seen arguments for both, and i'm not the best at picking up on Ti so it's hard for me to tell.
Jaune • ESFJ 6w7 3w2 9w1
No strong opinions on his MBTI, it's kinda just based on vibes
Nora • ENFP 6w7 9w8 3w2
Textbook ENFP, not much to say here x))
Pyrrha • XXFJ 2w1 1w2 6?
In my list Pyrrha is currently written down as ISFJ but that's mostly based on the general consensus and me wanting to get rid of the XX. I don't actually have any convincing arguments to decide on Ni or Si, so I could go either way if someone else makes their case well. I feel like she's Fe aux more than dom, but even about that I could change my mind. Pyrrha didn't have that much screentime in the end :((
Ren • ISTJ? 9w1 5w4 4w5
Ironically I'm not sure about his type, kind of like you. I've mentionned I'm not very good at picking up on Ti right ? And Ren was a background character before V4 really. I had him written down as ISTP for a while but I've seen some convincing arguments for ISTJ so I might lean toward that actually but who knows. The thing I'm very confident about is his 5 fix = )
➸ Faunus bonus
Sun • ESFP 7w6 2w3 9w1 so/sx
I don't see any Ne at all either so I don't understand the ENFP typings...?? Maybe the 7 stereotypes ? Imo Sun is just a very good boy; certified ESFP 7 himbo; triple positive sunshine !
Ilia • Ti-Fe axis ?
Again, not enough screentime for me to make an educated guess. My only certainty is : not high Fi. It's the source of their conflicts. Blake confidence in absolute right & wrong, tracing lines in the sand between acceptable & unacceptable. Whereas Ilia can only shake her head and say "Because it works", or cry out "I don't know what else to do !"
Adam • 3w4 8w7 6w5
I honestly don't really have much of an opinion about Adam's MBTI, i'm sorry anon ;; I don't know enough about how he thinks
➸ Oz-related things and his circle
Ozpin • INFJ 5w4 2w1 1w9
I would personally call him an INFJ. I... never really got INTP vibes from him ? I don't see the Fe inf work out with his interactions : he's always rather at ease, he knows how to navigate around people... His focus inherently lies on doing what's best for the "group", the people, humanity. Fx functions are both concerned with ethics, in different ways, and I think Oz reflects that well. He IS concerned with the moral weight of his actions, but it's a more adaptable and unpersonnal concern than Fi people. He regards Ironwood's soul machines as something wrong, but can still agree to use it if the situations demand it for example. So... if the INFJ + 5 makes sense to you, well that's what I'm typing him personally. I also feel like Ni fits him more than Ne. Ozpin has a very linear way of planning, he does use his fair share of symbolism in every day conversation... Even when taking decisions, he... kind of cares about the meaning of things a lot ? It's hard to explain but like; the way he highlights the difference between an army and a guardian, and the emotionnal response it brings. I don't know it feels like there's some Ni vibes in there x)
Oscar • ISFJ 9w8 6w7 3w2
Oscar's type honestly isn't the one I would have the easiest time explaining in lenght but yea. It's mostly vibes; also just like Ozpin he doesn't seem to have a particularly Fi reasonning. And he feels more grounded, I don't really remember any Ni so... yay ?
Ironwood • ENFJ 6w5 1w2 3w4 (pre-Vol8); ENTJ (post-Vol8)
Might be weird if you think he was a dictator from the start, but I kind of entertained the idea of Ironwood being Fe dom ? From his very first interaction it was very clear that he was a Je dom to me; he's all about objective results; he doesn't give off the "internal framework" or "personnal values" vibe AT ALL; so it was more a matter of picking Te or Fe. He LOOKS super Te don't get me wrong; but he also has an enneagram tritype that is very common amongst XXTJs (and TJs stereotypes thus derive from it). And just like Oz, his focus at all time seemed to be the greater good and doing what's best for the people still. So I was like... Eh, a "harsh" ENFJ I think that's interesting ? Plus Fe ethics actually derive from their environment, kinda like "everyone agrees that Y is wrong", and if you consider that James is from Atlas... Well his way of thinking and ethics align pretty well with the military.
His character took a turn for the worse in V8 (whether too quick or not depends on who you ask) and past that point he's a clear ENTJ; but I feel like it was more debatable before that. Idk though I might be overthinking this in the hope of making more interesting combinations xD
Qrow • ISTP 4w3 6w7? 1w9? sp/sx
I don't really see anything else than ISTP for Qrow... But he's not a character I would want to find Ti arguments for either.
Raven • ENTJ Cp6w5 8w9 3w4
Most villains get called ENTJ at the first occasions tbh zlqfznhqzkf but I think it fits Raven for the most part actually...
➸ Atlas
Winter • ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w5
The whole Schnee family has the same enneagram tritype in different order/different wings, it's ridiculous I think she has a higher Te than Weiss, and Fi inf fits her more. She struggles more to reconcile with her emotions and the idea of a personal right/wrong than her little sis.
Penny • ENFP 4w3 6w7 9w1 sx/so
Perfect example of a healthy 4, she's a great friend a cutie pie. ... Sorry we were talking about MBTI x) Well again, textbook ENFP. Not much to debate here.
Whitley • 3w4 1w9 6w5?
Not enough material for me to guess a MBTI type correctly either, sorry... I could see some kind of xNTJ yea but it's really just vibes and not enough concrete.
➸ Antagonists and Extras
Cinder • 8w7 3w4 6w5
Never cared to guess her MBTI type. I hereby type her as insufferable qkfqskfq. More seriously, I don't really know sorry Anon :/
Emerald • 2w3 ?w? ?w?
I never got Fe vibes from her tbh, I just think she's a 2. And Fe as a function is very infused with 2 stereotypes. So yea. Like, she isn't even that worried about the morality of her actions or anything more than the other villains. She just cares more about her personal relationships and being loved, so she automatically looks much nicer, especially with 2 mechanisms of trying to make herself useful and needed. Also because she's surrounded by 8-ish people xD
Mercury • 8w9 7w8 ?w?
ISTP doesn't sound too farfeteched, but I never MBTI-typed him either, sorry.
+
Bartholomew Oobleck • xSxJ 5w4
The only vibe he gave me is Si somewhere because of all his talks about learning from the past and everything repeats itself and it's a mine of informations at Mountain Glen... That's really the only time I tried to put down anything for him, and it was Si + 5. He could be some kind of xNTP nerd too for sure, but that's more vibe and I couldn't make an actual argument for it.
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nicepuppet · 3 years
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ngl dude I literally cannot tell if I'm like. actually heavily mentally ill or not bc like
I have literally no idea what living in a brain that doesn't want me to kill myself 24/7 feels like. literally I think about it once every couple hours and I'm like 'no, that's normal for me. things are fine' like...idk how to explain it. it's like I incorporated all of the horrible feelings that came with being alive and made them something I'm used to.
I literally don't know what it's like to be alive and consistently hopeful or thankful to wake up. I literally have absolutely no metric by which to judge the amount of times I consider self harm, and then don't, 'just because that won't accomplish anything's and I have no idea of 'regular' intervals in which to consider my future and present as absolute failures and proof that I'm incapable of doing anything worth anything.
it's just a thing I think at all hours at all times on all days. I just think abt about somehow I manage to be in pain and not, enough that I crush it down and then don't feel it during the day, and then at night, it all just kinda comes crushing down.
i FEEL like a happy person and I laugh and I joke and have fun.....at the exact same time I hate myself for existing. laughing on the outside and thinking about how dying would solve some of your problems aren't mutually exclusive.
idk. I feel bad a lot, is what I'm saying, but I guess I'll just keep feeling bad. I'll keep having minibreak downs and I'll never actually do anything and I'll think that this is all there is until I die. idk.
please don't worry about me. im safe and im not gonna hurt myself. im just so tired it hurts and what hurts even more is that my brain can't even be thankful enough to be on medication in the first place to give me any peace
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