#idk i got all this physical weight already can my brain like cut it out with the heavy shit tonight lmao

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

.

#having a weird one re: body image stuff lads lmao #like if im attracted to people of all sizes. why is it so impossible for me to accept that anyone might be genuinely attracted to me #and like. attracted to me not Despite my size. u know #also like. living your life knowing your mere existence as a fat person repulses a good amount of people is like #idk i got all this physical weight already can my brain like cut it out with the heavy shit tonight lmao #ok cool sorry as u were <3

[marauders-venting]

This Love

pairing: wolfstar (remus x sirius)

genre: fluff & angst

warnings: mentions of drowning, child abuse, physical abuse, death/murder, war, grief and guilt

words: 3679

note: based on the song ‘This Love’ by Taylor Swift

a/n: this is a request I got from someone on Instagram :)

okay I know that sirius ran away from home at 16 and they’re not supposed to use magic outside of Hogwarts until their 17 but uhhh idk just pretend that sirius ran away at 17. or that they can do magic at 16, whatever you prefer

Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in and I could go on and on, on and on, and I will. Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again and you were just gone and gone, gone and gone. In silent screams, in wildest dreams I never dreamed of this

“Hey,” Remus said, waving as he saw Sirius approaching. His nervous expression rearranged itself into a smile when he saw Remus.

“Remus!” Sirius said, rushing towards him and hugging him. The embrace is quick and short, Sirius pulling back as quickly as he came in, but it’s enough to make Remus’ heart pound ridiculously fast in his chest. “I’d ask you how your summer’s been but I guess I already know,” Sirius added with a laugh. Remus smiled. They had been exchanging letters back and forth all summer long. Not that they didn’t usually write to each other over breaks but Remus was pretty sure this summer they had broken the world record for most letters sent in a month.

Remus had planned on using this time away from Sirius to try and get over his crush but the second he saw Sirius walking around the beach he knew he had failed. If anything, being away from Sirius, missing him, had only made Remus’ feelings of longing more intense.

“Come on, let’s sit,” Remus said. He had already spread a towel out on the sand near the water before when he was waiting for Sirius and they sat on it now. “How’d you manage to get away in the end?”

“I just snuck out the window,” Sirius said, shrugging. “And then I took a taxi like you taught me and I used the muggle money you sent me. I will pay you back for that by the way.”

“Don’t bother,” Remus said. “Think of it as me paying you back for all the chocolate you bought me on the last Hogsmeade visit at the end of last year. Nobody knows you’re gone?”

“Nah, they’re not expecting me down for dinner anyway so it’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” Remus asked nervously.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. Remus wasn’t convinced. “Hey, come on, don’t worry about them. We’re here now, let’s enjoy it.” Sirius flopped back on the towel, lying on his back, arms stretched up above his head, shirt riding up and revealing a strip of skin above the waistband of his pants that Remus was actively trying to avoid staring at. Sirius was right. They had discussed this all summer, planning exactly how they would make it work. He wouldn’t ruin it by worrying now that they were finally here.

“Yeah, okay,” Remus said, smiling. And lying down next to Sirius. He looked up at the sky. It was a brilliant orange now, the rays of the setting sun giving it the colour. “You feel like going for a swim?”

“Okay,” Sirius said, grinning. They raced into the ocean, spraying each other water so they were soaked before they even got in past their knees. Remus kept going deeper until only his head was above water.

“Come on, Moony, that’s not fair, I can’t stand here,” Sirius complained, treading water beside him.

“Then swim,” Remus replied.

“Swimming is the one thing that I’m not the best at,” Sirius admitted grudgingly.

“What, all that old family money and your parents never paid for swimming lessons?” Remus teased but he followed Sirius back to the shallows.

“I think they were hoping I’d just drown actually,” Sirius said once he could stand. “I wonder why Reg never got any swimming lessons though. Well, it’ll be on their conscience if he ever drowns. If they even have a conscience, that is.”

“What if you drown?”

“Oh, it definitely wouldn’t be a weight on their conscience. They’d probably pat themselves on the back and go ‘see, this is what happens to gay, Gryffindor, blood traitors.”

“That’s… really fucked up,” Remus said. Sirius shrugged and submerged his head in the water. When he came back up, Remus splashed him in the face, starting a short water fight that Remus had clearly won (no matter what Sirius said).

They didn’t stay in the ocean much longer because the lower the sun sank, the colder the water got. They got out of the water, dried themselves with their wands and then sat back down on their beach towel. The blue water was crystal clear and above it, the sky now looked pink. It was a beautiful sight. But Remus was watching Sirius’ face instead. His wind-swept hair, blue-grey eyes squinting at the setting sun, rays of orange light giving his skin a golden look. Remus’ heart was beating loudly in his ears.

“What?” Sirius asked when he noticed Remus’ staring. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Normally this would be the point where Remus would look away hurriedly, his face burning, claiming that he wasn’t looking at Sirius and joking that he should deflate his ego because not everything was about him. And maybe it was the way Sirius looked today, different from what Remus was used to, in a different setting or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t seen Sirius in weeks and his resolve had weakened, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away today.

“Moony,” Sirius said. Remus’ heart skipped a beat. “What? Is it my hair?” Sirius’ hand reached up into his hair and ran his fingers through it. It looked both messier and neater somehow. Remus didn’t understand it. Remus would never admit it out loud, not after the number of times he had teased Sirius about it, but Sirius’ hair was every bit as perfect as his arrogant ass claimed it was.

“It’s you,” Remus said, without thinking. “Just… all of you.” Sirius looked at him, eyes wide.

“W-What do you mean?”

“I—” Remus started, when suddenly it hit him what he was about to do. What the fuck was wrong with him? He was going to tell Sirius. He was actually going to do it. “Nevermind,” he mumbles, looking away and blushing as he should’ve done a minute ago when Sirius had caught him staring in the first place.

“What? No, come on, Remus, just tell me,” Sirius teased. Remus shrugged. Sirius turned around so he was facing Remus.

“Remus,” he said, “whatever it is you can tell me. I’m here for you, no matter what.” Remus hesitated.

“Promise you won’t hate me?” he said. He felt stupid asking the question because even if Sirius did promise, it wasn’t a binding contract. Sirius couldn’t control his hatred. Nobody could.

“I promise,” Sirius said. “I could never hate you, Remus.” He looked genuine but Remus knew better than to believe it was true. Promises are broken more often than they’re kept. But not with Sirius, he thinks. Sirius has never broken a promise he made to Remus. Not once. Well, he’s about to, said a voice in his head. Remus tried to ignore that voice as he spoke.

“Okay,” Remus let out a shaky breath. “Okay. I… I like you, Sirius. Like, um, a lot.” Sirius remained silent for a moment.

“I like you too, Rem,” he said quietly. Remus felt his chest burn.

“You don’t understand,” he said, shaking his head. Because Sirius couldn’t… he couldn’t possibly… But his thoughts are interrupted when Sirius speaks again

“Oh, I think I do,” Sirius said. Remus opened his mouth to reply but Sirius got there first. “Can… can I kiss you?” Remus closed his mouth.

“W-What?” he stuttered, his brain taking several moments to process what Sirius had just said to him.

“We don’t have to,” Sirius said hurriedly. “I was only—” But Remus cut him off by pressing their lips together. In a rush of adrenaline, fear and excitement he ignores the voice in his head saying this is a bad idea, that he misunderstood something, that this isn’t really what Sirius wants and instead he listens to Sirius. He hears Sirius’ voice echoing inside his head. Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you? Yes, you bloody well can. This is all Remus has wanted, what he’s been dreaming about for months. But not even in his wildest dreams could he have imagined what it would be like to really kiss Sirius. To have Sirius kiss him back. To thread his fingers in Sirius’ hair and feel Sirius’ hands pressing into his back, holding him close. And with all of Remus’ expansive vocabulary, he couldn’t think of a single word to describe this feeling that could even come close to how extraordinary it is. All he could think was Sirius. Sirius is touching me. Sirius is holding me. Sirius is kissing me.

When they break apart, they’re both breathless. Remus can’t think straight. Everything in his brain is one big mess.

“You— I— we just…” Remus has seemingly forgotten how to speak. And the grin on Sirius’ face is definitely not helping.

“Told you I understand,” Sirius said, taking Remus’ hand in his.

“You actually… like me?” Remus asked, bewildered.

“Um, yeah,” Sirius said, laughing as if it had been obvious. “For, like, a really long time.”

“I– why didn’t you say anything?” Remus asked.

“I could ask you the same,” Sirius said, shrugging. “But I don’t think it matters much. What matters is that I like you and you like me and…”

“And?” Remus prompted. Sirius looked him in the eyes and bit his lip.

“And I’d like to, um… take you out. On a date. Sometime. If that’s something that you might be interested in?” He said it like a question, looking nervous up at him.

“Yeah, I– of course, I–I’d love to go on a date with you,” Remus said. He could feel himself blushing. God, he was so awkward. Sirius cupped his cheeks with his hand, leaning towards closer again, ghosting his lips on Remus’.

“Your face is warm,” he said, his lips brushing against Remus’ mouth as he spoke, which only made Remus blush harder.

“Well no fucking shit,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. And then he kissed Sirius properly, fitting their mouths together like it was the most natural thing in the world.

When the sun had gone down, they finally left the beach, each going back to his own home. Remus hadn’t known how badly Sirius would be punished for sneaking out the following day; if he had he might have never agreed to it. Or might have told Sirius not to go home.

It was that summer that Sirius finally decided to run away from home for good. Remus couldn’t help but feel guilty no matter how many times Sirius told him that he would have done it anyway. Besides, meeting at the beach was Sirius’ idea, not Remus’. But Remus couldn’t forget the moment he finally understood just how terrible things had been at the Black household.

He remembered going over to the Potter’s house after getting a letter from James saying that Sirius was staying with him. He remembered being horrified when he saw Sirius’. Bruised and scarred from the blows that his own parents struck and curses that they fired at him. That night he cradled Sirius, holding him close and promising that he would take care of Sirius, that Sirius was safe with him. He told Sirius that he loved him and that he always will. It had never occurred to him that maybe Sirius wouldn’t say the same about him.

Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new and I could go on and on, on and on. Lantern, burning, flickered in the night, only you but you were still gone, gone, gone

Everything had changed in a single night. In a single night, he had lost Lily, James and Peter. He’d lost Sirius too but not in the same way. He’d lost them all because of Sirius. Sirius had killed them. And in doing so, Sirius had been lost as well. He hadn’t died but Remus counted him with the losses. He might as well have died. He’s dead to me, Remus thinks, he doesn’t matter. He killed them. He killed them all. It was all him. The man that he knew had died. Remus had wondered how long ago it had happened.

He had been tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep from fear of the war, images of everyone he had lost, turning to Sirius for comfort. To someone he thought loved him. But this was someone else. Someone new. This wasn’t the boy he’d fallen in love with.

Remus remembered laying in bed the night before everything had gone to hell. It felt like a million years ago, but he remembered it all the same. He remembered how Sirius hadn’t spoken to him in the weeks before. He remembered devising a plan to find out if Sirius still loved him. Because that’s what he did best. At school, he devised plans for pranks. After school, he helped devise plans for the Order. He was good at planning ahead. So he made a plan. Because he couldn’t go on living in the same apartment as Sirius, sleeping in the same bed without exchanging a word, not knowing whether Sirius still reciprocated his feelings. His plan kept him sane. But his plan had failed. Or maybe it had succeeded. It just hadn’t given him the results he’d been hoping for. Because when he got into bed that night, he waited long enough that Sirius would think he was asleep. Then he turned towards Sirius and brushed his fingers on Sirius’ back. And Sirius got up and walked away. And just like that, the last flame of hope Remus had left flicked out.

Remus remembered thinking that Sirius had fallen out of love. But maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he had simply never loved Remus in the first place. Maybe this wasn’t someone new at all. Maybe this person, this murderer, was in fact the very same boy he’d fallen in love with all those years ago. Maybe this was all part of some sick scheme. Maybe Sirius had hated him all along. Sirius had promised he would never hate Remus. But what is a promise, really? Promises are made to be broken. Remus had to learn that time and time again. He should just stop believing people when they make promises. He wouldn’t believe anymore, he told himself. He promised himself. There was nobody left to believe. Nobody left to promise him anything anyway. Sirius was gone. They were all gone, all his friends. And they’re never coming back.

Your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave. Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees.

Remus’ world is on fire. Everything has burned the ground and he’s left to scrape away the ashes and try to find something he can put back together. Alone.

He can still feel the sting of Sirius’ lips against his cheek. He can still remember Sirius’ easy smile, his light-hearted laughter ringing through the walls of the room that Remus is in right now. But then he blinks again and now he’s seeing Sirius’ face on a ‘wanted’ poster for the first time. He doesn’t remember how he found the poster that night. It’s not important anyway. All he remembers is the feeling of looking down and seeing a photo of the love of his life behind bars, arrested for the murder of his three best friends. He remembers collapsing. Literally, falling to his knees as quickly as the tears fell down his cheeks. He remembers crying, sobbing, screaming out. 

He remembers thinking of every happy moment he’d ever had with his friends, with his boyfriend. He’d never make any more memories like that. He had felt empty that day. Hollow. That feeling still hasn’t gone away. Remus feels like a ghost. A ghost of the memories from before this all happened. He haunts himself. But Remus is not a ghost. He’s the only one still left alive. He’d rather be a ghost right now. He’d rather be dead. At least then he wouldn’t feel this pain. At least then he wouldn’t feel like he’s been pulled apart. Nobody can glue him back together now. There’s nobody left alive that would try. There’s nobody left alive, period. Nobody but him.

This love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh. These hands had to let it go free, and this love came back to me, oh, oh, oh. This love left a permanent mark, this love is glowing in the dark, oh, oh, oh. These hands had to let it go free, and this love came back to me, oh, oh, oh

Sirius has been staying at Remus’ apartment for a couple of days now, sleeping on the couch in Remus’ living room. It’s been weeks since that night he found out the truth. The night he nearly killed everybody he cared about. The few still left alive. The night he saw Sirius again for the first time in twelve years. It’s been weeks but Remus can’t figure out how he feels about Sirius after everything they’ve been through. On one hand, Remus can’t believe how unbelievably lucky he is to have Sirius back. He can’t believe that Sirius is here. That he’s innocent. And he wants things to go back to how they were. He knows that’s impossible but he wishes it could happen.

But on the other hand, there are still so many complications, so many questions. Is being together wise? Is it advisable? Is it responsible? Even if Sirius wasn’t still a wanted criminal, would they be able to repair their relationship? To pick up their shattered love and piece it back together? They’d been through so much together and so much apart. Remus isn’t the same person he was 12 years ago and neither is Sirius. Does Sirius even still love him? Does he still love Sirius, after everything? He buried those feelings deep, deep down inside him on the night of Sirius’ arrest. Are they still there? Do they still exist, locked somewhere in the depths of his heart? Remus is sure they do. What else could be squeezing in his chest every time he looks at Sirius? It’s like a game of tug-a-war in his mind, back and forth. This love is good, this love is bad.

All this is why, right now, when Sirius is saying that they need to talk and they’re seated in the living room side by side on the couch, Remus feels like words are failing him. He’s disappeared into his own head until Sirius’ words snap him out of it, his voice ringing in Remus’ head.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?” he says, sounding dazed.

“I–I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you, Remus, I promise.” His eyes pleaded with Remus to believe him. Remus had promised himself that he would never believe people when they make promises. But here he was, believing again. Never believe a promise, even when you’re the one making the promise to yourself. Especially when you make the promise to yourself.

“I—” Sirius starts again, seeing that Remus doesn’t know what to say. He closes his eyes and takes a breath before continuing. “I still love you, Remus. And I understand if you don’t feel the same anymore, really I get it. But I just thought you should know. I’ll always love you.” Remus can barely breathe. Sirius still loves him. This is a bad idea, says a voice in his head. Fuck good and bad. Remus doesn’t care. The important this is that this love is fucking alive. It died. And now it’s back. Back from the dead. Sirius is back. He came back to me, Remus thinks. He’s innocent. He came back and now he’s telling me he still loves me. Sirius is here. Remus desperately wants this to be real. He wants them to be real again.

Sirius’ love left a permanent mark on Remus. Not like his scars. This is something different. More like a tattoo. Something that he’d chosen at first and couldn’t get rid of later. In all the years that Sirius had been in Azkaban, in all the years Remus had willed himself to forget Sirius, to hate him, the tattoo had never faded. And now that Sirius is back, Remus doesn’t have to want it to fade. So in a lapse of judgement, he kisses Sirius. He kisses Sirius and that tiny flame that had flickered out all those years ago is back. Remus feels it fill him up as Sirius kisses him back, hands in hair, arms around waists, fingertips on bare skin. And when they break apart, Remus still feels the warmth of Sirius’ body against his.

“I missed you so much,” Sirius murmurs against his lips and Remus feels like he’s back on that beach the first time he kissed Sirius.

“I missed you too,” Remus says, a tear trickling down his face.

“Really?” Sirius asks, pulling away to look at Remus with his eyebrows raised. “But you thought I was a murderer?”

“I know,” Remus says. “I didn’t want to miss you. But I did. I couldn’t help it. I wanted you back.”

“I’m back now,” Sirius says, hugging Remus tightly. “I’m back and I’m never leaving. And I’m all yours, love.”

“I never stopped loving you,” Remus whispers in his ear, tears spilling from his eyes even though they’re squeezed shut. “I hated myself for it. But I loved you every day you were locked in that cell. And I still love you now.”

“I love you too,” Sirius whispers back.

It’s the only light in this crushing, suffocating darkness of death and war and grief and guilt. That flame, his and Sirius’ love, glows amidst the dark. And it’s what keeps Remus going. And this time, Remus will never let go of Sirius.

#remus lupin #remus lupin fluff #remus lupin angst #sirius black #sirius black fluff #sirius black angst #moony #padfoot #wolfstar #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #wolfstar angst #wolfstar fanfic #Wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar oneshot #remus x sirius #sirius x remus #Marauders #marauders era #marauders fanfiction #marauders one shot

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

#humanstuck #vantas family #.

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

#lovely anon #answered #hotmess #ok I am truly so sorry for going on and on like this #writing #ch design #ty for this question it was really nice to revisit this stuff 😃 #and a nice reminder to not look back lol #scrapped

[asotin]

what're your thoughts on castlevania (the netflix show, not the game, ive never played the game) what do you like, what don't you like? make it as long as you want. i don't care if i have to scroll for 5 minutes. go feral (personally trevor is extremely hot and i would like to date sypha. i'm not really into alucard's whole sickly victorian child aesthetic, yknow?)

oh god this is way too long, but you did say to make it as long as i want, and i have a lot of thoughts that i need to inflict on the world

i played two castlevania games, both from the nintendo gameboy era, so please don’t get mad at me, gamers

details below the cut, but since i’ll be talking about season three, i need to preface this with content warnings for mentions of: graphic violence, rape and sexual violence, racism, and the holocaust

before i get into it, i usually don’t go for alucard-type characters either, but knowing that he was redesigned to be bishounen sexy specifically because the boring, middle aged man look he originally had in the games wasn’t appealing makes me enjoy him. and he’s fun with trevor and sypha

do like:

the voice acting

it’s all good. i can’t think of any characters whose voices were awkward or fit poorly. they don't make sypha’s va use the standard flat affect or false high voice women tend to be assigned, trevor sounds suitably worn out but not monotone, and alucard sounds exhausted but in a sexy way

and the spanish dub is killer, arguably superior

the animation & design

it isn’t full-on artsy, but it’s definitely got a distinctive style that’s easy to look at. the color use and effects are gorgeous. it’s a story set in the medieval era, and the mixture of desaturated and oversaturated elements works so well with that

dracula’s castle and the belmont bunker aren't revolutionary in design, but they didn't need to be. they're suitably creepy and empty, and i enjoyed them

the monsters were unique enough to have obvious different types, and the scene where a monster commits blasphemy in a church by accusing a priest of committing blasphemy was good writing

lisa

she shows up to a stranger’s spooky home and scolds him for being rude. she really looked an ancient vampire in the face, told him he had no manners, then had a kid with him. what a phenomenal woman. 11/10, no notes

“start with me, and i’ll start with you.” you know what? i’d fall in love, too

dracula

this ancient, unfriendly vampire let a human woman walk into his home and tell him he’s got no manners. and that made him fall in love with her. just like that. lisa walked in and handed him his ass, and dracula thought “oh i love her”. and when she was killed (more on this in the bad section), he raised literal hell to destroy the world for doing it

speaking of lisa being killed, it fucks me up that it happened because she convinced him to leave the castle and experience the world. he left her alone to see what she loved so much, only to come back and find that the people he’d come to like- the people lisa had loved so much it drove her to help in a way that got her killed- had burned her at the stake. i love a good tragedy, and that’s good tragedy

the way he weeps when he has to fight alucard?? during a showdown in their home?? the “i must already be dead” moment in alucard’s childhood bedroom??? when he speaks to lisa about killing their boy, her greatest gift to him??? poetic cinema.

the trio’s dynamic

three bisexuals with two total brain cells and only alucard bothers using them. incredible

i went so hard for this ot3. it's right there and so good

sypha

she initially seems to be assigned the role of the adult™️ ie she's the only woman and gets stuck being responsible, but surprise! she’s just as annoying and dumb as alucard and trevor. she dropped a castle she didn’t understand on the ground and didn’t think too hard about it. then she argued about breaking it. i love her

if we don’t get an ot3, then she needs to have a dumb gf

alucard

he's got a stupidly low neckline and lower pants. they really leaned into ayami kojima’s redesign, as they should have. his little curl annoys me, though. why the fuck does he have a random section of hair that’s like three inches long when the rest is shoulder length or longer? love that he really looks like lisa

if you say he's canonically bisexual and polyamorous, no he isn't. yes he is. no he isn't :)

trevor

disgusting. a nasty man whose appearance mirrors his state of mind. he's 50 mental illnesses in a dirty jacket and his coping mechanism is… alcohol? maybe? he’s a mess, and i dig it

him trying his trick of kneeing alucard in the balls during their fight? and finding out it doesn't work? (which…… why doesn't it……?) juvenile but suitable

hector

his love of animals makes him my favorite. normally, i won’t touch anything with this much animal death, but i’m willing to set that aside because hector loves them so much. he’s so sweet and kind, and he loves his monster pets

yes he sided with dracula and has some really fucked up ideas about what constitutes humane treatment of people, and yet i love him. 11/10, but i have a lot of notes

isaac

i support him, including his murdering and his decision to support dracula. dracula throwing him out of the castle to save him was so cruel in that it was an attempt at kindness from a man who hated the whole world, but it was against isaac’s wishes

his time with the captain was great

idk enough about islam to know if he's portrayed correctly and haven’t seen any complaints, but given the show’s track record……… i wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not great

the forging

very cool. fresh and interesting! hector creating pet friends is cute and heartbreaking. love isaac for his dedication to reducing, reusing, and recycling

season 2’s big battle with all those vampires

the new version of “bloody tears” is phenomenal

this goes back to the animation, but listen……. it's so good. i loved the smoke vampire, and alucard’s fluid wolf transformations. his flying sword looked really good, and incorporating them together? super good to watch. and trevor’s whip?

the type and level of violence are suitable for what it is. it would be weird for a gritty show like this to be bloodless, but i don't think it would work if it were bloody to the extent of a slasher. it's also more clean violence, if that makes sense. you don’t linger just to look at gore; you see it because stabbing someone spills blood. the games weren't about extended, gritty scenes of realistic murder, so the show sticking with quick, slice and dice type fights fit with what i remembered of them

please watch this fight if you don’t remember it or haven’t seen it (part 1, part 2)

trevor’s whips

trevor’s weapons don’t follow the physics of normal whips, and they shouldn't. they’re heavily stylized and clearly a fantasy weapon, but they still have rules that they (mostly) have to obey. his morning star-whip hybrid in particular is so good 

it’s easy to follow, too. a lot of times, speedy weapons disappear, which is an understandable effect but one i find boring because there’s nothing for me to do. i’m just sitting on my ass with nothing to do

trevor’s whips don’t disappear. they’re fast, but you can always see them. and they have weight! you can see them slow down and gain speed. i don’t need physics to be real; i want movement to be pleasing, and that’s exactly what i get with the whips

don’t like:

fridging lisa

she could have been kidnapped (possibly make dracula think she was dead bc people want to lure out her scary demon husband, idk), then s2 could have ended with her and dracula reuniting as he died. she and alucard go on a trip together to attempt to make amends for the pain dracula wrought in lisa’s name. orrrr she dies a tragic death with him and we’re left to hope that they find each other in the afterlife. do vampires get to go to the afterlife? can alucard reintegrate? can he be happy with his new friends? or will he go back to his crypt and sleep again? will he ever be rediscovered? if so, what will he do? deep questions. i would prefer to cogitate on these instead of experiencing the shitshow that is s3

season 3

they should have ended it with dracula’s death. the quality of storytelling goes down immediately. just plummets. i’m sure there were problems in the first two seasons, but this one is so bad, i genuinely can’t remember

but i may as well get specific, so here we go:

abandoning alucard

trevor and sypha leave their friend alone in his childhood home where he just killed his father. where they helped him kill his father who, as i’ve said too many times, raised literal hell to get revenge for people burning alucard’s mother to death

yt they don’t talk about alucard. they don’t make any plans to touch base ever again. trevor’s entire family got killed. sypha’s culture, from which she’s now estranged, is family-centric. if ever two people should give a shit about alucard and know why alucard shouldn’t be left on his own, it's them

so what the hell is going on?

trevor and sypha’s relationship

look. it could be good. it would be better with alucard but they could be together and it could work fine

but this……….

trevor hates what they're doing. he hates traveling around and fighting. he's clearly tired and deeply depressed

sypha not only doesn't care enough to address it (did they forget the first two seasons?? sypha is annoying partly because she doesn't stop poking people) she might not even notice? yes, she's having fun, but trevor is basically dead on his feet in front of her

racism

hector, sumi, and taka all got done dirty 

sumi and taka

i hate the way they died. i hate that i’m certain that the plot won’t bring japan back into the narrative (or if it does, i don’t trust it not to be shitty). i hate the fact that by killing them off, i’m not going to get any more of them. they were interesting!!

speaking of the japanese vampire: the biphobia, arguably, given what happens with alucard

the addition of sexual violence

i don’t need or want lenore. if all she’d done was manipulate hector, i could have lived with that. she’s a villain, so she does bad things. that’s the point. but what she did was a massive escalation. we hadn’t had any sexual violence, and then the last few episodes gave us 

tumblr feminists who love her for how she treated hector need to be quarantined until their brain worms have been cured

everything that happens to hector

what was this shit? why did i open my netflix app and tap castlevania and find them making this man walk around naked in the cold to torture him? and starving him? he got manipulated, degraded, chained up, collared like an animal, and raped. and why? to show us how bad lenore is? that the other vampires are bad because they let her do it? i didn’t sign up for this

the holocaust reference

the imagery at the end of s3 when it’s revealed that the judge has been killing people he’s decided are undeserving to live and collecting their shoes in that barn was chillingly close to images of shoes taken from victims of the holocaust. there's no reason to invoke the holocaust here. it’s unnecessary and in bad taste

#asks #anonymous #long post #anti-castlevania netflix #i guess #cw rape #cw holocaust mention #cw racism #cw holocaust #all of these are tags i didn't anticipate using on my stupid sideblog #i'll probably find a bunch of typos in like 12 hours rip me #but i feel bad for taking so long

[fbdo1986]

so idk if you’ve done it yet but #5 on that prompt list w ot3 i think wld be beautiful 🥺💞💖

I hi yes!!! i finally got to the actual first prompts you sent!!! thank you for this lovely lovely request!! i took a few liberties with how to interpret the prompt but i really hope you like it (it’s actually quite long, whoops!) 

so here it is! prompt #5: where it doesn’t hurt with the ot3! (yes, all three this time!) which i’ve aptly titled firestarter, after the haley blais song by the same name. (which i definitely recommend listening to while reading, it fits so well.) because it’s so long it will be after the cut!

I step back from the fire

I learned to keep my distance, the path of least resistance 

Cameron’s chest aches with the feeling it always has, he guesses. Or always had. It’s hard to tell the difference, or remember, when suddenly your present reality is much more memorable than the past. It’s pretty insufferable, in some ways, and certifiably pathetic in others. He doesn’t know how long he’s been like this, but it’s not going anywhere. That he knows.

It’s a million and one unhealthy, wounding adjectives all balled into one—that’s the consistent Cameron Frye experience as of late. Harsher, in the way they seep, much further than any of the words his father could spit at him. Yet, when all your brain seems programmed to do is to wish, incessantly, that you were kissing your two best friends every moment you’re with them, a response this cruel almost seems tame. He can mind the ache, but such an animalistic urge feels particularly unsettling.

It’s unbearable. Not their company, that’s always been the saving grace of the situation, but such a need. A sensation so physical, so innate, that his body begs for it, that it distracts him when he’s right in front of them, so much that he can barely stand sitting there sometimes, is too much to handle. 

And it worsens, every day, because now he’s not just hiding his feelings from them, but he’s hiding this too. And he’s never had anyone else. That’s the catch. He has them. It either stays inside, or it goes to them. The latter is an outright impossibility, but as the weight grows and grows, what choice does he have? Until he remembers. It’s a long shot, completely, but even such a fraction of hope takes a much needed weight off of his shoulders.

“You have to swear. Look, I don’t really need these types of precautions every day, but I need your complete and total confidence.” He looks Jeanie Bueller dead in the eyes from where he sits across from her. It’s funny, in a way. Jeanie is his oldest friend, aside from Ferris. And that he needs someone to keep a secret for him. He’s lucky, he doesn’t really have use for secret keepers after Ferris and Sloane start having that magical ability on him that makes him want to share the things he only kept for himself. Nowadays, his secrets are either his or they’re theirs.

“Jesus! What’s gotten into you?” Jeanie interrogates. “Barely any hello, and suddenly you’re getting all intense on me. Are you feeling alright?” Her brows furrow. 

“Yeah, Jean, I’m alright.” He tries to make himself relax, but it’s a fruitless task. “I just… I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, and well, I trust you.”

“It’s about my brother, isn’t it?” She lays it on him bluntly. There’s no bullshitting Jeanie.

“How did you know?” His face reddens.

“It’s pretty easy to realize that if a guy can’t turn to his childhood best friend for something, it’s gotta be about him. Besides, I can be objective.” She smiles at herself for that one.

“I mean, it’s about Ferris… and Sloane.” That confuses her. As far as Jeanie knows, he goes to them with everything. She doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with their friendship, they seem happy, so who is she to wonder? 

“Just… don’t get ahead of yourself just yet, okay? I’m trusting you with a lot here. Like, a lot.” Cameron hangs his head, defeated. “Just swear, okay?”

“Fine, fine. I’m swearing.”

“I mean, be serious here, Jeanie!” He leans forward, hands gripping the armrests of the chair he sits in tightly.

“I am being serious!” She blows out a breath of air sharply. “I’m sorry. I’m glad you trust me. You can trust me.”

His shoulders lower in a sigh. He’s satisfied, but that doesn’t stop the swirling pit of anxiousness that inhabits his stomach from reminding him of its presence. He thinks that maybe this is the first step to getting rid of the bullshit that’s made his life so much more difficult these past few weeks, so he’s got to be willing to let that process happen. The sooner he can let it out, the sooner he can start moving forward.

“I don’t even know where to start.” He’s already overwhelmed, and all signs really do point to abandoning ship.

“Wherever feels best,” Jeanie offers him in support. It’d be weird to try and offer a hand on his shoulder now, since there’s quite a few feet of space in between them, so she gives him a small smile instead.

A few moments pass where neither of them say anything. Quickly Cameron realizes he hasn’t even made up his mind of how much he wants to say, let alone where to begin. He doesn’t know if the beginning means the beginning, in which case the two of them will be here for a while. He thinks they might be anyway, because he’s absolutely stalling, so he just needs to say something. Anything.

“I need your help. Because… because part of this I can live with, and part of it I can’t. I’ll get to that, eventually, I guess.”

“Is everything okay? Are you guys okay?” She inquires. She means a fight, if they’ve fought. As though they need fixing up of broken pieces. He wishes it were that simple.

“Yeah, no, we’re fine. I mean, we’re not fighting or anything.” He’s awful at clarifying. “Fuck. You know what, no. I don’t want to put you through this. This is stupid.” He starts getting up from where he’s sitting.

“Come on, Cameron. You haven’t even told me what it is yet. I want to help you.” She looks at him solidly. Her eyes, the color of Ferris’s, reflect how genuine she is.

“Okay. No, you’re right.” He lowers himself back into his seat, and she does what Ferris does so well, communicating without saying anything. She’s leaning forward, her elbow propped on top of her knee, and her chin sits on top of her fist. He can hear it: ‘So…?’

A big breath in. “I’m in love with Ferris and Sloane. And I have been for months now.” He knows it’s been longer, but this is when he first started acknowledging it. “And, and I’m okay with that. I think. I’ve gotten used to sitting with it. I just… there are things that I’ve been experiencing recently… that aren’t as easy to deal with.” The same breath out. 

“So you were right. That was a lot.” Her voice raises, drawing out the phrase a bit.

Cameron covers his face out of embarrassment and dread. Jeanie flounders, trying to let him know what she means. “But that’s okay.” She breathes out a sigh, looking at him intently. She wants him to do the same. “What do you need help with?”

He follows her orders, breathing out. His pulse slows. “You don’t mind?”

She smiles at him. “Of course I don’t. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Even if it’s two people. So, let me in. What do you need?” 

“Basically…” He forces himself to get the words out quickly. “It’s gotten… bad. So bad that I… all I can think about is wanting to kiss them. It-it’s like I need to. Sometimes it gets hard to even just sit there. Like my body is begging me to do it. I can’t stand it.” Jeanie notices the way he’s digging at the fabric of his shirt, the way his eyes narrow in disgust as he looks inside himself.

He brings his eyes up to her finally, desperately. “I need you to help me get rid of that. That… feeling.” He clenches his fists.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but something tells me that it’s gonna stay unless you deal with it. Plus, it’s kind of romantic. To love someone that much.”

“Yeah, sure. ‘Romantic’ is what keeps me awake at night in self hatred. It feels wrong. I feel wrong.”

“Cameron, please. You’re a really sweet guy. You’re not a creep, you’re literally trying to stop yourself from doing what you’re not sure they want. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“What choice do I have?” He’s desperate for a solution. 

“Telling them.”

“Yeah, right.” He scoffs. “The only way that would be a possibility is if I do it on April Fool’s Day and back out if they don’t reciprocate.”

“You know, that’d be kind of hilarious if I didn’t know you were serious.”A smile forms on her face, but it disappears just as quickly as it came. “But also kinda fucked up.” 

Cameron looks at her, eyes full of irritation and defeat.

“Look. I think the thing you should be most concerned about is just the fact that they’re in a relationship.”

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying, I think you’d have a pretty good chance with either of them if they were single.”

“Even Ferris?” He’s clueless as to how she can actually believe that. 

“Hey, contrary to popular belief, I’m not exactly up to date on my brother’s personal life. Especially who he’s going out with. That is completely none of my business. He does lots of stuff I don’t know about. The guy has no moral compass. He’s completely unburdened by the weight of modern society.”

Cameron’s heart skips a beat. “So you think it’s immoral?”

“Of course not! All I’m saying is Ferris doesn’t give two shits about what other people think of him. I’m pretty sure the only opinions he cares about are yours and Sloane’s.” 

“That’s funny. He did consult me before asking her out.”

“Did that… upset you?”

“I mean, no. I’m glad that he trusts my opinion that much. I couldn’t have him say no. I knew.”

“So that means you…”

“Had feelings for Sloane then? Yeah. I loved her since the moment I met her.”

“And Ferris?”

“That took longer, but… something told me, even then, I wanted him by my side forever.” He waves his hands in front of her suddenly. “Anyway, stop. You’re supposed to be helping me, remember? Not enabling me.”

“I’m offering you a solution. And if nothing else, giving you an outlet. Clearly you needed this.” All Cam can do is laugh, because she’s completely right. He runs his hands over his face.

“So listen. Not to the voice that wants you to hurt, but to what your body is telling you. That doesn’t mean you should go up to them and kiss them without warning, but your heart wants something. Now, I don’t want you to feel like I’m not taking your concern into account, because I understand that, but I don’t want to disregard me totally because the voice inside your head speaks to you more. It knows where you’re weak, and it feeds on that. Give your heart a try. Give them a try.”

A few moments of silence. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not. But I don’t want you to wallow in what’s only making you feel worse with absolutely zero hope. You deserve to love and be loved, and I know that out of anyone, you should choose it for them. You owe it to yourself. You do.”

“I’ll think about it.” Cameron fights a smile. “Thank you, Jeanie. I mean, really. Thank you.”

“Of course.” They get up from their places, and Jeanie can’t help but give Cameron a hug. It makes him laugh, and gives him a sense of stability he doesn’t realize he’s been craving.

So Cameron coasts along, the oppressive feeling his body is used to carrying is a little lighter. He jokes with himself, claiming that this is the cure, and now he has no need to worry. Yet deep inside, where little flames still lick at the embers, there’s the knowledge that this lightness has only come over him because there is something deeper inside that he’s now worried about releasing. And besides, it isn’t fool-proof. 

In fact, on a pleasant, spring day in April—he’s fully abandoned the plot for the first of the month—it burns more than ever. And honestly, anything, even the prospect of ruining everything, feels better than how mangled and wrong this feels. 

“Hi, guys.” It’s a weird way to start, but it’s all he has. He practiced lines for this, like a valiant actor who put the script to memory, but they start to slip from him, quicker and quicker, as the thrumming of his heartbeat becomes the only sensation he can really latch onto. His lips are numb, it feels as though any word could slip out loosely without paying attention, but he feels so far away from where his head is. There’s nothing holding him together, nothing tangible except for the fact that he’s still physically in one place.

“Hi, Cameron.” Sloane begins, eyes full of light like they always are.

“Hey, Cam.” Their smiles are sweet, both laughing at their same joke, and it’s excruciating not to follow through with the motions his body keeps incessantly suggesting. Oh, how little they know. It’s endearing, how lovely and innocent they look. He prays the light doesn’t fully go out of their eyes when he drops this on them. So he takes precautions where he can, as if that will cushion the blow.

“I need you-I need to talk to you about something.” Already off to a rocky start. How fitting. He huffs out a sharp breath. 

“What’s going on?” Sloane asks first, again.

“Yeah, what’s up?” They both lean forward slightly.

Cameron finds it especially cute that despite their function as a pair, they always answer him separately. He wants to push down these observations, his wandering thoughts, even now. But he shoves the shame away, because that’s not getting him closer to spitting it out.

He looks at Ferris and swallows hard, but tries to keep his voice lighthearted. “If this completely blows up in my face, blame your sister.” He doesn’t want that, but he knows that Jeanie would understand. It would take some of the sting away, and she would be okay with that. They would know, too, that it wasn’t her fault. It’s just to clear the air, to give him some comfort in the last few moments that are unburdened by confession.

Sloane’s eyebrows raise quizzically, but Ferris takes it all the same. “That can be arranged.”

“Man, I really didn’t plan this out enough.” A dry laugh escapes his lips. They look at him with curiosity.

“Okay. Basically, you two mean everything to me. It’s silly to say, I guess, but you know as well as I do how true that is. Hell, you make me feel like the main character in my own life. I don’t know how to talk about it, but I’d be pretty hopeless without you. And something inside me just, really hopes you feel the same way. I mean, I don’t want you to feel hopeless without me, but—shit. Why is this so difficult?”

Their eyes are fond, still, albeit harboring a bit of confusion. “Of course we do.” Sloane confirms, softening.

“I mean, it’s kind of fun. It’s like we’ve uncovered some secret that no one’s found out about. Cameron Frye, the key to eternal friendship.” Ferris says, gesturing dramatically. “I think at this point if I saw you hanging out with anyone else I’d have a heart attack and also never forgive you.” 

Cameron can’t help but laugh. But it fades away all too quickly, and he’s left in the same headspace that ties his stomach in knots. He’s more than just that secret. 

“See, that’s where it gets hard. For me. There’s just so much of this that I’ve been holding back. That I can’t hold back. Maybe I’m a fool, but I’m tired of… I’m never going to get tired of you. But I’m so tired of feeling like I’m destroying everything that this is just by being around you. I hate that my heart wrings every time I look at you. I hate… needing you this much. I need you, in a way I’m not supposed to.” He looks up at them finally, hoping they understand. Willing them to understand. Finally, finally, it quells. The burning ends, because he feels as though he could jump out of his skin. 

“You mean…?” Ferris asks in a quiet voice.

“Mm-hm.” Cameron nods, face heating with shame. They understand, and he breaks. Tears start falling down his cheeks, his vision blurring quickly. He’s almost grateful he can’t see them, can’t tell what’s in their heads by the expression on their faces. 

“Aw, Cameron, no. It’s alright.” Ferris consoles him, and Sloane joins him immediately at his left side.

“Please, Cam. Don’t cry.” They’re wiping his tears away with their thumbs, and everything inside him wants to shake them away. Shake his head furiously, shout, tell them no. He doesn’t want to be pitied. He can’t tell what this means, but he can’t take what happens next if it starts like this. Maybe they could love him, if they felt bad enough for him, and even someone so incredibly alone and desperate to be wanted like him knows that’s not fair. But he’s already sobbing, and he’s left with no choice. Letting them.

“It shouldn’t hurt this bad. Love. It doesn’t need to hurt this much.” Sloane tells him, looking into his eyes. How badly he wants to let it out, sadly. ‘Mine does.’ She’s still holding him, solidly, and stroking his cheek. But it’s not them. He hopes they know that. It’s always been him, the source of it. They’re meant to be loved, that’s not the problem. Just not by him, not like this.

“You got all ahead of yourself, Cam.” Ferris speaks to him softly, voice warping with concern. “You didn’t even hear us out.”

There was supposed to be no response. That was strictly for dreams, for the parts that deserved to be pushed away. 

“To be needed. That isn’t so bad, is it?” Sloane smiles, asking him earnestly.

“No, no.” He musters up the strength to tell them. “You can’t. Not like this. Not because I made you do it. Not because I made you feel bad.”

“You’re not making us do anything. We made this decision, this realization, all by ourselves.” Ferris convinces him, holding onto his hands. “Before this.”

“What?” It shakes Cameron out of it, almost completely.

“When we skipped school. After everything. Even after just… a second of having to maybe be without you… it was like the world had collapsed. We couldn’t handle it. We talked about it. After you left.” Ferris says.

“We need you, too.” Sloane looks in between them for a moment, then locking eyes with Cam in certainty.

“In the way we’re not supposed to. You just, fit. You talk about us, how much we’ve done for you. How much you need us, how much we’ve helped. But you… you’re everything. You complete us, the both of us, in a way we didn’t even know needed completing. We need you as much as we need each other. Love you, as much as we love each other.” Ferris lets that sink in. 

The word can barely escape, but Cameron needs clarification. “Love… me?”

“Yep. Isn’t that how you feel?” Ferris asks.

Cameron nods.

“Fully and completely.” Sloane confirms.

Cameron starts to cry again, but there’s a release of joy in it. Pent up pain, shame, and hurt, finally washing away. He laughs, gasping for air as his eyes brighten. Within a few moments, the unthinkable happens. Ferris presses a kiss on his lips, and then retreats for Sloane to do the same. They take turns like this. They don’t care that Cameron’s still in the aftermath of tears, that there’s the occasional hiccup of breath, that there are tears that dampen their faces. The way Cameron kisses them back with a purity, with a mutual exchange of need, want, and the loss of a weight that they feel so much freer without, nothing else in the world could possibly matter.

#HEHE KISS AT THE END #i realize this ending isnt perfect nor necessarily complete but i think it works how it is #BASICALLY theyre his firestarter the match to his desire!!!! #FUN FACT I WROTE THIS FIC WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE OF THIS SONG!!! THE FIRE MOTIF WAS ALREADY IN THERE AND I WAS LIKE OH FUCK. THIS SONG IS #ABSOLUTELY PERFECT WITH THIS!!! #anyway!!! hope you like it ahh #ot3: i’m gonna miss you guys next year #ferris bueller's day off fanfiction #my writing #ferris bueller's day off #cameron frye #sloane peterson #pls listen to the song if you want to ache with me

[iwriteficsandmore]

As a Villain Stan Chapter 266 broke me, did you think Hawks was capable of doing something like this? I've always seen him as little more... chill and relaxed? i guess? i didn't think he'd actually go for the kill, especially as we havent seen heroes do that before in the series (I mean look at AFO, he is the worst of the worst and they just locked him up). I think this is a big turn in the series if we're actually going to have each side kill each other

Oh, I like this ask! Okie, here’s my scattered thoughts organized a bit, hope you can make sense of them :) For those who’re up to reading this (if it wasn’t obvious by the ask) this will contain spoilers for ch266. I know it’s out officially already but some may not have read it/be caught up to it. Also, in case I dive in to some not so savory topics, do practice discretion. You’ve been forewarned!

Okay, so I’ve separated this answer into 3 parts for you so it’s easier to digest and read :) Pardon the grammar and stuff! Also I realized how freaking long it got after writing so I’m gonna just leave it under ‘read more’.

1. Hawks’ killing someone. 

Short answer: yes. It’s always been in the back of my mind that Hawks is capable of such a thing. Setting headcanons aside as much as I’m able to, if we look into his background, the guy was basically indoctrinated into the whole ‘hero’ business. Though a vague comparison and quite a stretch, it kind of reminded me of child soldiers and how’re their trained from a young age for the one purpose. A single difference I see is that Hawks is capable of individual thought. That is to say, he isn’t totally lost his sense of self because of his upbringing as the commission’s trained ‘hero’. But the way I’ve seen it through canon, that same sense of self was greatly shaped by the way he was saved. 

Take for example how he says he wants a world where hero’s have more free time than they know what to with thing. The way I’ve seen it, is that it’s a singular idea coming from his experiences, shaped by the life he’s led but in itself shaped by what they’ve made him out to be. If he were a normal hero (i.e. had wanted to become one by his own volition and gone through the whole ordeal like any other kid like the kids from UA or Shiketsu), sure he’d want peace but I highly doubt it’d be so the world and people could rest easy. The way I see it (and this is with the knowledge that we truly don’t know what his own intentions are), if villains are gone and heroes have more free time, it’d allow him freedom that he’s never experienced since the time he got picked up by the Public Hero Comm. 

I’ll stop at this example since I’m starting to dig into my own headcanon, but this is what I’ve got so far. I’m not one to overanalyze but given what little we know about his past and upbringing and coupled with the way he was ‘raised’ to be a hero, I was prepared for him to do what he believes has to be for the sake of what mission he’s given. His whole purpose in life has been to be a hero, and what does a hero do? They assure the safety of the populace regardless of the cost. Be that cost come from them or the minority that will be hurt by what they do. 

2. Ideology of Heroes and Villains. 

As for the point that we haven’t seen a hero do that before, I completely agree. We haven’t. But imo that’s the brilliance of this chapter and overall the build-up we’ve seen to this arc. That is taking into account that Twice has indeed been killed by Hawks (cuz there’s a small part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe he’s still alive. I really like the fellow TwT).

The idea we have of a hero (especially someone like Hawks who, as you said, has’t given off that ‘image’) is a makeshift idea that we’ve had ingrained into us. It’s funny how innately we are aware of the definition of heroes and villains without bothering to think where or how that idea itself formed in our heads. Heroes do the right thing, they are good, and that, by proxy, means not killing. Villains are, by lack of a better word, the bad guys. They hurt others, they’re selfish, and by extension, they’re capable of killing. It’s what the media and other mediums of entertainment have taught us with their archetypes. 

But it’s something that, through this chapter and arc, has been cracked in the minds of some and completely broken in the minds of others. Idk if you’re aware (and if i’ve heard things right) about how some Hawks stans are starting to drop him after this chapter and after what he did to Twice. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about those people, but they’re reaction is something that interested me quite a bit. More so the way, they could make such a split second decision with the one action. This is why I’m freaking loving this arc. After ‘my villain academia’ arc, Hori has given us a reason to care about these characters. About Toga, about Twice, about Compress, about Spinner, about Dabi, and especially about Shigaraki. But let’s cut the middle man out and go straight into the one that got this whole ball rolling: Twice. I’ve been in love with the League ever since the Overhaul arc, because since then is when I saw how this little group of misfits was starting to become a wholesome family unit. You saw a little of that in the Kamino arc but imo it started way back in the Overhaul arc. Since then we’ve been implanted with little reasons to like these characters and empathize with them and it was all in preparation for the a grand, bombastic punch in the gut that was the Meta Liberation Army arc. Imo, this chapter may have looked like the turning point, and it may have certainly been, but the damn match that started it all was that arc. It gave readers a reason to care about ‘the others’ and instead of villains, we now have this idea of people ostracized by a society that didn’t give them the opportunity to be themselves. That arc dealt with the cemented idea of ‘villains’.

This chapter dealt the blow to the other side of this coin. Hawks killing Twice, a person we’ve seen to be the product of the very world and society the heroes upheld, was the last drop to shatter the idea of them being all good. We’ve seen/heard of villains killing heroes, but, as you said, we haven’t been privy of the idea of heroes killing villains in this story. And even if we had, that’s not what made this the huge deal that it became. It’s not because it happened that the community is shocked, but because it happened to a character we love. That we became attached to. That we came to know. 

Think of it this way. It’s the same reason why it pained us when Nighteye died. We knew Nighteye’s motivations, his hopes, his dreams for the future. And though we knew a little bit of Overhaul, we had been most exposed to Nighteye’s pov. This time, that got turned around on us. Yes, we love Hawks (I stan the damn birb brain) but we don’t really know him. We know the hero, we don’t know the person. Twice, on the other hand, we’ve known the villain. We’ve knew him as Twice when he first got introduced and then got to know him as Bubaigawara Jin. We got to know the person, not just the villain. And it was a shock to see that person die by the hands of what amounts to a completely stranger. 

Sorry I’ve gone overboard but I just freaking love this arc for the gut punch it’s serving. It’s quite a simple story writing technique if you strip it down to its bare bones. You give the character importance and it gives weight to their existence. And once you’ve got that weight added, it’s easy to toy around with it. It can make us cheer for them, hate them, empathize with them, and, as is in this case, pain us when they’re gone. 

3. Turning point

Like I said before, I agree this is a turning point, not so much for the story but for the stakes involved. We care about both sides, we’ve become attached. So in the end, no matter if more are to die and more to the point, who kills who if it comes down to it, we are gonna get the damn feels of a lifetime. I don’t doubt there’s gonna be losses from both sides. Losses we are gonna mourn like hell. And, if I’m being completely honest though I hope against hope that I’m wrong, I am preparing myself mentally to see Hawks die or be physically handicapped after this arc. If he isn’t, holy crap will that have been the most tense arc of the story for me. If he does, well, I think we’ll be as saddened by it too.

Well that’s as much as I’ve got. Hope it answered your question is a little bit :D I don’t usually write meta-commentary but it was fun to do this :3

#evie #meta analysis #meta #bnha #bnha ch266 #bnha spoilers #bnha hawks #bnha twice #bnha keigo takami #hawks #twice #bnha jin bubaigawara #jin bubaigawara #takami keigo

[izzy-b-hands]

SHOT A GUN??!? LEE OMG, now you have to tell the story cause i'm curious (same goes to ruined a surprise)

From this post, for reference for anyone seeing this who hasn’t scrolled my blog today lol

The ruined a surprise one was pretty tame, and actually has happened more than once. As a kid, I would be told not to tell my mum or another family member about a surprise being done for them for their birthday. But I always wanted to make folks happy, and that was such good news to give them, my tiny brain would tell me. So inevitably I would roll up to the Birthday Person like a week before their party and be like “wouldn’t it be cool if you had [surprise thing X] at your party? Wouldn’t that be the best?” And they would go “Is that thing going to be at my party?” and I would immediately start giggling and give away the surprise lmao. My family still doesn’t tell me surprise stuff in advance now, and tbh, that’s fair. Though I will say, I have halted my ruining of surprises lol.

Put the gun story under a cut for safety’s sake. TW for mentions of abuse mentions of rape, mentions of death, hunting (idk if it’s a trigger for anyone else, but it is for me, so I’m adding it here), and racism.

The gun story is...more lol. My ex-stepdad was a proper Midwestern racist, sexist, homophobic, redneck asshole who loved guns and the flag more than anything else (aside from himself, naturally) and as a part of trying to “bond” with me before he ended up proposing to my mum (after barely six months of dating! And she said yes! But that’s another tale) he tried to teach me and get me to use all the weapons he loved so much.

Now, the bow and arrow I legit did and do still love. I never get to use it now, but I have a bow and my arrows with their hunting tips, and refuse to get rid of them in case I ever get a chance to go to a range again and shoot some of those foam cubes (my fave targets to use.) However, he was not content for me to just use that, and he really wanted to take me hunting. 

Few issues with that: 

-At the time, I was a middle schooler campaigning against the wars in the Middle East, using what little platform I had as a kid to protest; namely wearing an actual peace sign necklace to school and challenging other kids to debates about the wars. My government and history teachers did enjoy me for that, though I will never forget the government class where they let me go up against the entire class in debate. In one corner, seventh grade me, against the wars and war in general while still respecting that at least some soldiers are people who want to do good and think they can do it by being recruited but also acknowledging that the military targets minorities of all kinds knowing they can be more vulnerable to wanting to help others, and the military can prey on that to recruit people. In the other corner, the literal rest of my class, who were all too happy to pile on me about things not even related to the debate, even the ones who admitted they were on my side of the debate, but chose to instead use this opportunity to yell at me. 

-As a result of the above point and other things, I Did Not and Do Not like guns. Not comfortable around them for many reasons, and since that age have believed in gun control. 

-Also a result of the above point, was for peace in general and was not a fan of hunting. As I grew, I learned that there are some cases where hunting is actually needed to cull populations so they don’t overrun areas, but seventh grade me didn’t know that, and just wanted all animals to be allowed to live without people like my then-stepdad hunting them. Tbh, they still should be able to live without my ex-stepdad hunting them, because he should not be allowed weapons of any kind. 

So needless to say, I didn’t want to even hold any of his guns, let alone shoot one. I managed to actually avoid that bit until after they got married. 

Then, he turned into someone completely different from who he had been when they were dating. The full story of how he was abusive and what we went through for five years isn’t something I’ll put here because this is already long, but all of that does play into why I did not want to go hunting with him (in a field, in the middle of NoDak, just me and him, no one else around for miles and no cellphones? Not cool, putting it mildly) and why I did not want to handle his guns. 

Unfortunately for me, my mum insisted I wasn’t trying hard enough to help him adjust to having a child, since he had been a single dude, married only once before for about six months, with no kids. He had nieces and a nephew, but otherwise he wasn’t used to kids. Part of my making ‘a better try’ with him was to go hunting, and let him teach me to shoot. 

So, we went out hunting a few times. Pheasant, and deer, and that was alright. I wasn’t thrilled to be out there, and I can still smell how his truck was just saturated in the scent of dead animal and I hated and still hate that scent burned into my memory, but I got through it. 

It was in the backyard of our house with his makeshift (read: not all right for guns or bows, really shitty) range that it came to a head, and I got to fire a gun for the first time. 

I still question why he gave me a pistol. You don’t really use a pistol to hunt deer, you know? And he could never tell us why he had so many extra pistols, since he did have his one for work as an officer at the Penitentiary, and it seems like that one should be enough. By the time we left him, he had two huge gun safes full of pistols and other guns, including weapons that by law no one should be able to purchase, but no one checks in on the two assholes meeting in the Wal-Mart parking lot who have trunks full of weapons they want to sell without getting in legal trouble. 

But I digress. He showed me how to hold it, to make sure I’m always pointing down-range, to only point at something I intend to shoot. To always treat the gun as if it was loaded, even if I was 99% sure it wasn’t. I give him that, because that is decent gun safety, and he could have been really terrible and not taught me that. 

Once he had me set up in front of a target, he told me to go for it, to expect the recoil (I was chubby, always have been, but I hadn’t started seriously lifting weights at that time, so my arms were really reedy and physically even that pistol’s recoil flung me back some.) 

I shot, and I wanted to drop it and run inside. It was loud, and the smell of gun smoke and ammunition is unpleasant. I felt like I’d betrayed something inside myself in that moment. This was what the troops learned how to do, what people who hurt others knew how to do. 

But my mum had been really mad at me for not being better to him (in retrospect and after therapy, I was fine, just being a kid in early puberty. My therapist says my mother should have stood up for me. I’m not in a place to assign blame like that yet, and maybe I won’t ever be.) So, I stayed put, and I shot a few more times. 

He noticed I had tears in my eyes, and started to complain about “the peaceful pussy shit getting in the way of me being taught something important” and he told me I needed to stop crying right away. I’ve never been able to do that, and I cry all the damn time; if I’m really angry or sad or happy, my body responds with tears that give me migraines that are hard to turn off once started. 

He got more angry, and told me I needed to learn how to do this because if I didn’t, what would I do if someone broke in? Would I let them hurt my mother? Rape her? Kill her? If he wasn’t there (and he often wasn’t, due to his job and his hunting trips) it would be up to me to save her, didn’t I care about knowing how to save her? 

I argued that I didn’t think a gun was the answer to that situation, that self defense and what weapons are used during it was too much for me to discuss with him. 

He started talking about the black family that had moved in down the street, about the friend I had at school who was Muslim, about how diverse (read: not that diverse, this is the mid-fuckin-west that has a long way to go re: diversity) our state was becoming.  About all the things he was ‘so sure’ they and their families would do to us, to me, if given the chance. All incorrect and horribly racist things, but he didn’t care, because he was always right, in his mind. And I wasn’t allowed to call him out and say he was wrong, or at least that was what my mother would tell me. 

“You like peace, so learn to help me keep it.” 

Instead I told him that it wasn’t right to say those things, that no one was going to try and hurt us like that, and that the notion was ridiculous. Shouting, I told him I was more scared of him and what he might do with his guns than what anyone else would do to me. 

He went very quiet, took the pistol from me (that I was still pointing at the ground, like he showed me) and told me to go to my room. 

He stayed out the rest of the night shooting his various guns, only coming in to switch weapons or get more ammo, refusing to come in for dinner until I had finished mine and was away from the table. He didn’t speak to me for the next week, and as scared as I was of him, it was some small relief that he at least wasn’t yelling at me or asking me things that made me uncomfortable. 

In a weird way, I’m glad I’ve shot one before. When I’m debating with people in my area about gun control and other issues, they instantly respect you more if you can say you’ve shot before. Otherwise, they talk over you and don’t want to listen to anything, no matter how nice or calm you say it. 

At the same time, I recoil any time I hear anything like gunshots, and I can’t ever imagine using a gun again. Even if I was told I must, I don’t think I could. I’ll hold my bow and arrow, keep the bat I keep in my room at all times to ease my paranoia, but I can’t ever imagine holding a gun again. 

#text post #ask box things #my bad that the second story is so long #but I haven't told anyone the whole story aside from my therapist #and this was cathartic #and probably explains some of my paranoia and PTSD to y'all as well lmao #bens-jawline

[marvelandimagine]

Framework (Part Two)

Summary: Request - Bucky x reader songfic where he pushes her away and they break up but he’s miserable without her and it all ends in fluff and apologies

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Word Count: 2,200

Author’s Note: This was literally the hardest chapter I’ve ever written idk why but I should probably start outlining instead of winging it 25/7 lol anywho sorry this took forever and hopefully p3 will come to my brain faster! / based on Framework by The Story So Far

Taglist: @firefly-in-darkness @emptynote @buckysgoddess

How’d this happen?

Found your way in

So distracting

Splitting me in half again

Can’t ever sever the ties I made

The knots are strong

The framework’s laid

No matter how many things I say

The tangible will always be what I crave

Six agonizing days pass, with Bucky coming to the conclusion that he actually can’t live with his decision. He feels like he’s drowning in regret, his anxiety is off the charts, and, plainly, he’s just fucking miserable.

Despite everything he said to you, to himself, to Sam, it’s become crystal clear that not having you in his life is hurting him way more than confronting his trust issues and fear of impermanence.

He misses you like hell. The scent of your clothes, the way you laugh, the warmth in your eyes and on your fingertips. How perfectly your bodies fit together, the way you gasp and growl his name. How you would hold him to your chest, tracing soothing patterns across his skin when he couldn’t stop shaking from the nightmares and the flashbacks. How funny and beautiful and kind you are. Even things that had irritated him, your reiterated suggestions of different therapies and mindfulness techniques (some that had helped you personally), how you never tried to hide rolling your eyes, you constantly misplacing your keys/phone/wallet and him finding it within seconds -- he missed it all. All of you, the good and bad, had somehow become woven into his being. He could sooner get rid of how he felt about you than get rid of himself.

He told himself he wouldn’t do it, but he’s been repeatedly checking your Instagram page, heart thudding each time as he anticipates seeing the pictures of the two of you together deleted -- or worse, seeing you with another guy’s arm wrapped around you. So far, though, there’s been nothing except a video post of your dog, Balto, howling and grinning at your TV screen when Ghost appears on the latest Game of Thrones. It just makes his heart ache more, that he chose to remove himself from these small, wonderful little moments in your life, and for what? 

He keeps staring at your number, his thumb hovering above the screen before he chucks the phone to the side, rubbing his eyes as he once again chickens out of contacting you. 

He reaches the breaking point when he starts reading back through old texts from around the time when you two first started dating. 

“I know we just said bye five minutes ago but I just wanted to say how happy I am that I met you. And you are definitely cuter than I am. That is all! Night, Buck.” And now the same blushing smile emoji that had him grinning from ear to ear makes his heart twinge.

“What the fuck did you do, Barnes?” he asks himself, letting the phone drop to his forehead with a dull thunk. 

He knows he wants—needs—you back, but he doesn’t know where to even begin. 

He sighs, grimacing as he rolls himself out of bed and trudges out toward the living room. There’s only one thing to do.

Bucky can already hear Sam’s voice emanating down the hall as he approaches:

“You call THAT avant garde?! That silhouette is as bland as toast. TOAST, Nina!”

Bucky sits himself down in the ottoman in the corner, careful not to walk in front of Sam — he thought he’d never hear the end of it when he accidentally blocked the screen during the last Grey’s Anatomy season finale.

“Project Runway again?” he asks, shaking his head.

“Hey, don’t you be getting all judgey now.” Sam smirks at Bucky, taking in his disheveled state. “You need to be jotting down notes, Kurt Cobain, wearing the same grungey-ass flannel three days in a row.”

Bucky shrugs.

“Not like I have anyone to impress.”

“You had someone to impress, but remember, you broke up with her, you cowardly fucking jackass.”

Bucky clenches his teeth as his scathing tone rattles in his head. He tries his best to ignore it and sound nonchalant as he swallows his pride to do something that normally sets his skin on edge: reach out to another person.

“Anyways, you busy?”

“Nah, I’ve had enough disappointment for today.” Sam grabs the remote, shutting off the screen and shifting to look at Bucky. “What’s up?”

Bucky exhales deeply, and he can practically feel the apprehension settling on his face, his habitual reluctance to open up kicking in.

“Um …” 

He bites the corner of his lip, trying to think over his words when his gut just wants him to yell, “I FUCKED UP please tell me how to get Y/N back.”

He’s spared having to, though, as Sam cuts through the silence:

“You want to get back together with Y/N, don’t you?”

Bucky stares at him.

“Is my misery that obvious?”

“Painfully.”

Despite his deadpan tone, the corner of Sam’s mouth twitches, and the two find themselves chuckling together. While he’ll never admit it to him, this is why Bucky views him as his best friend, why he trusts him -- he always knows how to make him laugh when he needs it. He knows Sam has his back.

Bucky shakes his head, running a hand through his hair.

“So, what do I do?”

“Before I can try to answer that, you need to tell me why you broke up with her in the first place.”

Thought I’d burn the seams if they frayed

Thought I’d prove the point that I made

“I thought if I ended things, I’d be able to stop caring and feeling so vulnerable, I guess. That it’d be better for her, because she deserved better anyways, and maybe it’d be better for me … I don’t think I really believed that, deep down, but … I was scared. Scared of getting hurt, not being enough.” 

Bucky pauses and sighs, staring at the ground as he wrings his hands, running his flesh thumb back and forth over the smooth metal.

His voice is quiet, apprehensive.

“I was scared of how I felt about her.” 

Bucky glances up after a few moments of silence and is met with Sam looking at him more seriously than he can ever remember.

“Do you love her?”

Normally Bucky would flinch at such a direct question, but now, finally facing the consequences of keeping himself so guarded, he hesitates only for a fraction of a second before he nods, and it feels like a weight has left his chest in acknowledging how he feels.

He loves you. And he doesn’t have to run from that.

Sam nods back in response, running his hand along the dark stubble on his face as he begins in earnest.

“Look … you have a lot of regret in your life, right? I know it’s over things you didn’t choose, but now, you can choose. So what’s your choice gonna be? The way I see it, A) You can keep doing what you’re doing and let fear run you into the ground, or, B) you can tell that fear to go to hell, reach out to Y/N, buy her the nicest apology flowers you can, and tell her everything you just told me.”

“And if she tells me to go to hell?”

Sam sighs.

“I mean, she’s probably going to be pretty pissed at you —and rightfully so— but,” he pauses, his tone lightening, “God knows why, she seemed to really be into you. And nobody gets over a breakup that fast unless the relationship was already dead for awhile. You guys looked like you were solid until -”

“I blew everything to pieces, yeah.” 

Bucky sits quietly for a few seconds, pausing to sit and feel the knowing. The alignment in both his heart and mind, what he wants moving forward.

“I think choice B is the clear winner, here.” 

Sam waves his fist back and forth.

“Ding ding ding!”

Bucky nods.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, his voice earnest as his eyes lock on Sam’s.

Sam’s returning smile is full of encouragement.

“Hey man, I got you. And I know this ain’t easy for you, opening up about stuff. Just know there’s always a seat at the VA group just waiting for your supersoldier ass to sit down, if you ever want to talk more.” 

 “Nah I’m-” Bucky physically stops himself from finishing his default “nah, I’m good for now, but thanks” response, because if he’s realized anything throughout this entire ordeal, it’s that he is most definitely not “good,” or at least not doing as good as he’d like to be.

“Yeah, ok, I’ll do it.”

“For real?”

Bucky exhales deeply, his sadness hanging on every syllable.

“With all this … I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have acted the way I did with Y/N if I had started dealing with this sooner, getting more okay with talking and being honest with people,” he muses. “Like you said, if I really do want a normal life, I kinda need to find a better way to handle what’s going on in here,” he taps his temple and then his chest, “than just shutting people out.”

Incredulity is all over Sam’s face, coupled that something Bucky could swear looks like a glimmer of pride. 

“Wow, yeah, that’s great, that’s the kind of perspective that’ll help you move forward.” He grins. “You sure you’re feeling ok? This isn’t some fever-induced thing, right?” 

Bucky flips him off while Sam chuckles.

“Hilarious.”

“You know I’m playin.’” Sam nods vigorously. “Seriously, it’ll be good for you. Anyways, though, back to choice B.”

Bucky feels the rise and fall of his chest pick up in nervous anticipation, but he slides the phone out from the pocket of his jeans anyways, thumbs tapping away on its surface. 

“Hey. Can we meet up?” 

Before he can second guess himself, he hits send, promptly hurling the phone onto the opposite corner of the couch where Sam is perched.

“Watch it!”

“You tell me what she says back. I don’t wanna see it first.”

However long you’re gone, I will wait, I will wait.

And then an agonizing, crawling two hours pass, with Bucky finding himself unable to focus on the National Geographic moon landing documentary that would normally absorb him entirely, his eyes constantly straying from the screen to the phone sitting silently in the corner. You never took this long to answer a text when you were dating, so he knows you’re ignoring him.

“Maybe she blocked you and didn’t even see it.”

He’s just about to ask Sam for the phone back to message you on Instagram, past the point of caring how desperate he looks because it’s the truth, when it pings.

Sam snaps out from his half-napping state at the sound, stretching across the couch and grabbing the phone. He pulls a face and Bucky’s heart sinks -- Sam might as well have said “yikes” out loud.

“What’d she say?”

Sam looks at him with the tiniest bit of pity, tossing the phone back.

“Why.”

“Why? That’s it?” Bucky looks down at the screen in disbelief, and there it is, the one-word response.

“Yup.”

Bucky buries his head in the throw pillow closest to him, muffling his yell. 

“What do I even say to that?! She’s pissed off, and I don’t wanna do this over text.”

“You don’t have to do it all over text, but you gotta give her something. The last thing you said to her was that you wanted to break up, and now you want to see her. I’m guessing she doesn’t want to assume you want to get back together, but if you do, she wants you to know she’s still upset.” Sam shrugs. “You messed up, now you gotta work for it.”

Bucky takes the pillow off his face, grimacing.

“Goddammit.”

He takes a minute to craft his reply, staring down at the screen.

“Because you were right about everything. I never should have ended us, I’m an idiot and miss you like hell. I just want to talk.” He hits send and turns the phone over, heart thumping inside his chest.

Ten minutes pass before you answer:

“I’ll be home until 7, I have plans after.”

Bucky’s stomach drops as his brain conjures images of you dressed up but not for him, for some other guy, his metal hand clenching involuntarily.

“You don’t know that you don’t know that, c’mon. It’s only been six days.”

He replies immediately:

“Can I come see you at 5?”

“Ok.”

Even with the realization that it’s already 4:10 and he’s gonna have to haul ass to Adams Morgan while still finding the time to get you the nicest flowers he can, Bucky already feels lighter with hope. You agreed to see him. You’re giving him at least a fraction of a chance to put things back together. 

He flies up off the couch and takes off down the hall.

“I’m meeting her at her place at 5!”

Sam calls out to his retreating back, and Bucky allows himself a small smile.

“Hey, go get her. But you go shower first!”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes #bucky barnes and sam wilson #james bucky barnes #james barnes x reader #james barnes #bucky fic #bucky imagine #bucky angst #bucky and sam #avengers fic #avengers imagine #the story so far #bucky barnes songfic #Sebastian Stan

[fxngsfxgarty]

though i am bruised

Inspired by a prompt from @alicethething

“You said something about swangs prompts? Bc idk bout you but I think there was plenty opportunity for some comfort after the ghoulfools dropped Fangs off a fucking stairwell :)”

Title from Cut My Lip by Twenty One Pilots.

Also available on AO3 here.

Fangs should be dead. He knows that much.

He would be dead, too, if not for his friends. For Jughead, who ran to catch him when Kurtz dropped him over the balcony, and for Sweet Pea, who was right at Jughead’s side. For the Serpents, the only ones he has left, the family he’ll have when Fogarty blood is spilled and drained and washed away, and he’s alone in the world again. No Serpent stands alone, no Serpent is left for dead. In unity, there is strength. All that’s left of all he knows lies with the two friends that remain.

Jughead is long gone now, picking up the pieces, chasing down assailants and probably exacting revenge on Fangs’ behalf. Sweet Pea, who bore the brunt of Fangs’ weight as he fell, is still here, though, lying still in the early evening light inside their tent - asleep, perhaps, or just keeping his eyes closed so Fangs can’t see he’s in pain. It could be either. Usually, Fangs would expect the latter, but these days, he’s not so sure of anything. But he needs to know, so he grits his teeth and rolls onto his side, wincing as his back kicks up another complaint, hot and sharp and stiffening by the minute. It could be worse, he reminds himself, it could be a broken neck, a damaged spine, paralysis. Even death.

“Pea.”

“Mm?” Sweet Pea opens his eyes almost immediately; he sounds sleepy, but not asleep, so Fangs doesn’t feel too bad about disturbing him.

“Jus’ wanted to make sure you weren’t dead,” Fangs admits. “We’re good.” But instead of falling onto his back again, he carries on turning. In the small space inside the tent, he’s almost immediately resting against Sweet Pea, head on his chest, nose buried in a crease in the faded flannel he’s wearing. It smells like motor oil, and the lingering smoke from their nightly campfires. Soothing, almost. Fangs remembers how that same smell had enveloped him when he hit the hallway floor, and how he’d been convinced that that was heaven, just eternity of Sweet Pea Sweet Pea Sweet Pea, like sleeping curled close to him forever. And then his brain had caught up with his body and his body fucking hurt and the little dream was over.

He still hurts. Not like getting shot, but a different kind of hurt, a full-body feeling of something-is-wrong even when he doesn’t move. When he does move, he’s hit with an unpleasant reminder that he probably shouldn’t, that seeing a doctor or going to urgent care might be a good idea, but they don’t have that kind of money and he’s pretty sure he couldn’t get on a bike or in a car right now. He doesn’t remember getting back from school, but he thinks maybe somebody carried him to a borrowed backseat, and there’s a vague memory of Jughead and Sweet Pea lowering him down to his bedroll, and Sweet Pea’s face blurring in and out of focus above him as he layered his shivering body in blankets.

He’s still shaky now, not cold, just freaking out a little bit over the fact that, y’know, he’s had yet another brush with death. His best friend must notice, because there’s a slight shift in the warm body beneath him, and then Sweet Pea’s arms are firmly around him, one over his waist and the other slipped under his neck for support. Soothing fingers are brushing through his hair, and he shuts his eyes tight, hoping that’ll be enough to keep the hot tears at bay. He briefly hears a weird choking noise, and wonders what it might be, but before he can ask, Sweet Pea is gently shushing him.

“Don’t cry, Fangs, c’mon,” he murmurs, and Fangs realises the noises are muffled sobs and they’re coming from him.

“I don’t wanna die, man,” he forces out, trying to get closer to his friend even though they’re already pressed up so close in a tent barely meant for two. “I’m not a damn cat, I don’t got nine lives and I already used up two. Maybe three if you count halves, like initiation night, and the Poisons in Pop’s parking lot.” He still has butterfly stitches across his brow and the lingering headache from the night the girls ambushed them. There’ll be scars, mental if not physical. It’s crazy how things build up and up and up until it all comes crashing down around his ears.

“You’re not gonna die while I’m around,” Sweet Pea sighs, his hold on Fangs tightening just a little. “We’re still sworn to protect each other. I’m not gonna give up on you… Someday, you’re gonna be okay.”

That only makes Fangs cry harder, and for a few minutes, neither of them says another word. Fangs grips Sweet Pea’s shirt until his knuckles turn white, like he’ll disappear if he doesn’t hold on tight enough. Sweet Pea rubs circles into Fangs’ back, his touch light and caring; he knows Fangs’ pain goes far beyond the physical one, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to forget about it. He comforts him until his shoulders stop shuddering at every choking, badly-hidden sob, until he can feel hot tears soaking through his shirt, until Fangs is quiet and breathing almost evenly.

“I’m with you,” he says softly, so quietly Fangs isn’t quite sure he’s not imagining it. “I have been since we met, and I will be til the end. It’s more than oaths and laws when it comes to me and you.” Fangs nods. He’d protect any Serpent with knives and fists and curses, but Sweet Pea is all of that and more. 

The taller boy just keeps on talking. “You’re gonna be okay. This hurt, it’ll pass like all the others. You always come out on top. You’re the strongest person I ever met. If bullets can’t stop you, neither can some greasy, junkie freak with a god complex.”

Fangs exhales, almost a laugh, complete with a shaky smile as he nuzzles Sweet Pea. “Shut up,” he murmurs. “I’m not all you talk me up to me.” “Sure you are.” Sweet Pea shrugs the shoulder Fangs isn’t leaning on, so he doesn’t jostle him too much. “You’re incredible. You’re something else.”

Fangs pauses before speaking his mind. “You’re kinda all I got… You’re my everything. Love you.”

Sweet Pea presses a kiss to his forehead. Again, it’s so soft Fangs fancies that he’s imagining it, but he knows he’ll remember it in the morning regardless.

Outside, the rapidly-darkening evening bursts into a soft orange glow - someone’s lit the campfire.

“You wanna go outside?” Sweet Pea asks quietly.

Fangs shakes his head. “Don’t want them right now. Just wanna stay with you.”

He gazes up at the thin blue fabric of their tent, imagines the night sky beyond and the stars coming out like the way the firelight reflects in Sweet Pea’s eyes. He doesn’t need a fire to keep warm when he gets to drift to sleep in his embrace.

#riverdale #riverdale fanfic #swangs #sweet pea #fangs fogarty #sweet pea x fangs #angst #hurt/comfort #cuddling #soft boys #fogarpea #is that a tag #it is now although i prefer swangs

[spidergwenstefani]

@claraxbarton I heard you were having a long day so I wrote you some unrepentant fluff. Idk anything about professional costuming, but I do know some stuff about school theatre. So here’s college AU winterhawk where Bucky is also having a long day. Sorry in advance for all the typos that are definitely in here.

Bucky swears, pulling the seam ripper through the next stitch just a shade too viciously, catching his thumb with the stabby bit as thread gives way.

“Fuck,” he shouts, because the costume shop is empty save for him and this dupioni nightmare. Even the other student employees went home sometime after the witching hour, each classmate shooting Bucky a look of tragic sympathy as they individually decided witnessing Coulson’s stress hurricane wouldn’t be worth the sheer amount of caffeine they would have to chug to get through the day tomorrow. “Motherfucking shit. God damned son of a fuck. Fucking Christ on a-”

“Um,” somebody says from the doorway.

The headrush Bucky gets from looking up tells him that tomorrow will be another Gender in Shakespeare lecture skipped. There’s a guy hovering in the doorway, a small pink purse wedged under his arm and a look of… fear? Maybe? Probably fear on his face.

“What do you want?” Bucky snaps, because he doesn’t have time to spare on conversation. He still has the shoulder seams to undo, still needs to open up the sleeves, and the basement of the theatre building is drafty on the best days. Bucky’s a little worried his fingers will freeze stiff if he pauses for longer than a minute.

“Oh,” the guy in the doorway says. “Well, I came to get Bobbi’s purse for her. She said she left it here during fittings.” He gestures to the sparkly clutch under his elbow, and Bucky realizes he’s on the way out, not in.

“Okay?” If this is another one of Bobbi’s boys (pretty, fratty, and not a singular brain cell,) Bucky’s in danger of getting ensnared in a friendly conversation. He keeps his voice cold, putting on what Natasha calls his Fuck Off Face. The guy does a sort of shuffle in the doorway, physically swaying with the weight of whatever mental battle he’s having about staying or leaving.

“It’s just,” he says, stepping a little further into the fluorescent lights of the costume shop, and fuck Bobbi sure can pick them. “You seem a little. In distress?”

“In distress?” Bucky repeats, and the ice in his voice impresses even him. “In distress? Well, I have to seam rip the rest of these sleeves and salvage what I can for reworking the waist of the jacket, which was a bitch to make in the first place. I also have to take off the appliques that I put my blood, sweat, and tears into stitching on not even a week earlier. Even if I get that done before sunrise, I still have a fucking obscene amount of buttonholes to hand make, and I’ll probably have to modify the appliques for the new jacket. All because the actors are over-dramatic children who throw fits and drop out halfway through a show, and our costume shop assistant is an idiot who ruined half our dupioni right off the bat by steam pressing it. So yes, I’m a little bit fucking in distress.” The frat boy winces a little at the venom in the final word, and Bucky actually feels a twinge of regret, especially when he speaks again.

“I just meant, you look like you could use some help.”

Bucky narrows his eyes, straightening up and ignoring the way his spine pops in protest. The guy is greek life down to his toes, probably never handled anything more delicate than a football. He’s dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, a battered leather jacket thrown on to keep out the January chill.

“Can you sew?”

“I can’t make you a new jacket, but if most of your work is just cutting threads I can offer an extra set of hands.”

He makes a fair point, and if the seam ripping goes fast enough, Bucky can probably make a dent in the buttonholes before morning. He probably can’t fuck things up worse than anyone else has already.

“Okay,” Bucky says, and frat boy breaks into a crooked smile that has Bucky’s stomach feeling kind of fluttery. Maybe he should do more acting next year, see if Bobbi knows any other pretty frat boys.

The jacket is still technically in one piece, so frat boy takes the stool right next to Bucky, his thigh pressing against Bucky’s and reminding him just how much body heat he’s lost to the chill that creeps into the costume shop. Bucky hands him a seam ripper, holding up his nearly-separated sleeve.

“You just cut the threads with this. You have to work to find the stitches at first, but once the seam is cut a little more, it’s easy work.” Frat boy nods, examining his weapon. He looks incredibly serious about the weight of the whole thing, and suddenly Bucky finds himself biting back a smile. “I’m Bucky, by the way.”

“Clint,” frat boy says, sticking his hand in the small space between them. Bucky shakes it, and the warm, callused skin makes him notice how icy his own hands have turned. Clint catches his hand before he can pull it back. “You’re freezing,” he says, frowning like he’s actually worried.

“It’s a little cold in here,” Bucky agrees, not sure exactly what to do about Bobbi Morse’s boyfriend holding his hand in the wee hours of the morning.

“I guess gloves would get in the way,” Clint says, taking Bucky’s other hand and wrapping them up in his own. Clint is warm, and Bucky can tell that feeling is already creeping back into his fingertips.

“We have a lot of work to do,” Bucky points out, his voice not quite as commanding as he wanted it to be. Clint hums in agreement, like he’d already forgotten what he sat down to help with, and lets go of Bucky’s hands.

They work well together. Somehow Bucky manages to keep a semi-steady conversation through his sleep deprivation, and Clint doesn’t seem to mind when a particularly tricky part makes them lapse into silence. Bucky fights through the distraction of Clint’s thigh still pressed against his own and gets the rest of the shoulder seam cut through. They switch pieces, Clint working on opening up the sleeve while Bucky separates the other shoulder. It’s comfortable silence, and Bucky’s running on too little sleep to get very panicky about the way Clint’s foot will brush his or the quick glances he keeps shooting him.

They’ve been working for close to two hours when Clint sits back, tugging his jacket off by the sleeves. Bucky surveys their work, noting with surprise that almost all the seam ripping is done.

He feels a sudden weight on his shoulders, freezing up as Clint’s breath tickles the back of his neck.

“What are you doing?” Bucky says flatly.

“I’m giving you my jacket. You keep shivering,” Clint says, like that explains it. Bucky frowns, staring resolutely down at his work and nothing else. He hopes his cheeks aren’t as pink as they feel.

“You’ll get cold,” Bucky points out, because it’s true. Clint’s got nothing more than a worn t-shirt on under the jacket, the collar stretched out in a way that’s a little distracting. Clint just shrugs.

“I run hot. And you’re the talent here, right? Hypothermia can get me first. I’m expendable.”

Bucky doesn’t laugh, finally looking over at Clint and immediately regretting it. It’s a struggle to keep a scornful expression when faced with bright blue puppy dog eyes. Not to mention the shoulders.

“I bet Bobbi doesn’t think so. She’d probably like me to return her boyfriend in one piece.”

Clint blinks once, looking surprised. Surprised, but not guilty. Bucky’s frown deepens.

“I’m not her boyfriend,” Clint says. “I mean, we dated for a while last year but I’m not- I came to get her purse because she had a hot date and didn’t have time to come by. Maybe that makes me kind of a loser, I don’t know. I kind of can’t resist pretty damsels in distress.” Clint laughs a little at himself, then. “Also, Bobbi definitely thinks I’m expendable.”

“Oh,” Bucky says, pulling the jacket tighter around his shoulders. He blinks, Clint’s words slowly worming their way through his sluggish brain. “You think I’m pretty?”

Clint lets out a huff of air, like he was holding his breath as Bucky parsed through the conversation.

“I was hoping that’s what you’d get from that.”

“I am a little tired.”

“Take a break,” Clint says, putting his hand over Bucky’s seam ripper like that would do anything to stop him. “I think I’ve proven I can work without supervision. At least for a little while.”

“I’ll supervise you,” Bucky says, although the salaciousness is lost a little as he yawns hugely. Clint winks at him anyways, his lopsided smile coming back full force. Bucky lets him reach across the table, sliding his work away and into Clint’s space. He crosses his arms on the table, using them as a pillow so he can watch Clint work with minimal physical effort.

“You should volunteer here sometime,” he says, a little entranced by the way Clint’s blunt fingers move almost elegantly. Maybe his sport of choice has a little more finesse than football. Clint shoots him a grin.

“You trying to get more free labor out of me?”

“Oh, you have a price now?”

“The distressed damsel discount is single-use only,” Clint says, smiling down at his work. Bucky falls silent for a moment, biting his lip and enjoying the way that exhaustion has bled all his typical nervousness out of his flirting.

“What’ll it cost me?”

“A date,” Clint says, glancing sideways at Bucky, kind of anxiously. Bucky knew the words before he said them, but his heart still flutters a little now that they’ve been said. Bucky hums like he has to consider it.

“You drive a hard bargain.”

“I would settle for food, too,” Clint says hurriedly. “Or, like, if you had a dog and you let me pet it-”

“If we make it a dinner date, will you volunteer twice?”

“Okay,” Clint pauses, turning to Bucky with a small furrow in his brow. Bucky bites back a smile at how worried he looks. “I was really just trying to be cute with the whole free labor thing. You don’t owe me a date. Or food, or anything. I just want to make sure you know that, because I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.” Bucky snorts, burying his face in his arms to hide his laugh. When he glances back at Clint, there’s a dopey expression on his face. “I would like to go on a date with you, though.”

“Does this count as a date, or volunteering? Who’s tab does this go on?”

“Bucky,” Clint groans, and hearing his name out of Clint’s mouth sets Bucky’s heart hammering again. “You’re stressing me out.”

“I would like to go on a date with you too,” Bucky says, and his face is probably about as dopey as Clint’s is.

“Cool,” Clint says, soft and a little surprised. He turns back to his work with a shy smile. “Cool. Awesome. Cool.” Bucky hides a laugh in his arms again.

“Clint?”

“Yeah?” Clint looks up immediately, his cheeks a little pink.

“I’m going to nap for a little bit.”

>>==========>

Bucky wakes up to sunlight shining directly in his eyes, and Steve shaking his shoulder belligerently. He bats at him uselessly, wincing at the crick in his neck.

“Fuck off, Stevie,” Bucky hisses, grumbling when Steve switches to sharp pokes.

“If you keep doing this, you’re going to have a hunchback by the time you’re thirty. How long have you been sleeping?”

“What time is it?” Bucky asks, petulantly not opening his eyes.

“Eight”

“At night?”

“No, Buck. What the fuck?”

“Oh. Like three hours then.”

“Well, at least you finished those buttonholes you were griping about.”

“What?” Bucky shoots bolt upright, almost falling off the stool in the process. The costume shop is marginally cleaner than it was when he fell asleep, and the jacket is flat on the worktable, the fabric from the former sleeves pressed and lying on top of it. There are other garments on the table, too. The vests Bucky had piled on the end of the table are now next to the jacket, his viciously scribbled ‘needs buttonholes!!!’ note added to in sloppy purple marker.

“I can’t sew a jacket,” Steve reads out loud, giving Bucky a very layered look, “but buttons I can do. Tried to wake you up, but you’re kind of mean when you’re half asleep. You can bring the jacket to our date.” Steve crosses his arms, wrinkling his nose a little. “He also put his phone number and a little heart with an arrow through it.” Bucky feels himself blush, biting back a smile. Steve narrows his eyes at him, doing an impeccable impression of Sarah Rogers moments away from a scolding. “Bucky. Did you give someone a blow job for buttonholes?”

“Not yet.” Bucky grins, feeling a little like he’s floating.

#my fics #winterhawk #buckyclint #claraxbarton #rated: g #but like college g #so there's a bunch of swearing

[garlique]

all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

#pleaseeeee dont rb this #this was so fucking therapeutic to write out?? obv this is not ALL i want to say to her but its def a start :3 this feels good #and my anxiety is way down now hehe

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log

this ones going under a cut for weight discussion including numbers pls be careful folks <3

got woken up by my dog lying on me at 7am im <333

i ate 3 whole croissants for breakfast lmaoooo. with orange juice and 2 cups of coffee and lots of raspberry jam <3

i weighed myself for the first time since september and ive dropped literally almost two whole stone. this is fucked. i didnt mean to lose weight at all, i was already severely underweight when i weighed myself in september. but my mental health has rlly done a number on me this past few months and i stopped eating for a while and even when i started again i didnt eat much or frequently n ive had some Issues around eating. mostly executive dysfunction stuff but also some weird like. paranoia ig or intrusive thought idk what to call it where i was convinced that what i was eating was actually smth else in disguise or that there was smth really fucked up about it . one time i tried to eat an egg but i was convinced there was like a dead chick in the yolk and there were some lil bits in it and i was convinced they were its mangled up bones. also dont @ me i know thats physically impossible on so many levels but my brain hasnt met a rational thought in weeks. i did end up eating the egg anyway tho i managed to talk myself down from it with Science(TM). but id cooked another egg then and i threw the other one out bc i convinced myself it wasnt fully cooked when it almost certainly was.

i love that i can eat mangled chick egg but not *slightly* raw egg god my brain is so funny. it turned out what i thought was mangled chick corpse was a bit of bread that had fallen into the egg. literally if i dont laugh at my stupid issues i die but genuinely this is so funny to me now. like . elwood... cool ur boots . its a bit of  fuckin toast. u put it there urself u stupid bitch

so yea anyway im now like. 2 stone past ‘severely underweight’. yikes. hopefully being home and having osmeone else cooking will help me get it up a bit more

it was nice sleepign at a normal time last night but once again its 02:51 i hate this why am i like this

had some issues w my fam today. im too tired to talk abt it . safe to say being home is exhausting and im really feeling the whole. ‘u cant recover from trauma until ur free of the situation’. most of the things therapists have told me to do to help my cptsd symptoms are things that in these kinds of situations would put me in More danger. realising that in these situations my cptsd symptoms arent symptoms. theyre self defense and they serve a valid person

reason? not person. ffs

had a BLT for lunch

went outside n exercised which was p good. tried to work and failed miserably

ate 2 crumpets w butter and a cup of tea

chicken curry w aubergine and red pepper and rice for tea n i had a square of chocolate w marzipan afterwards

watched a film w my fam

spiraled in the evening. i vented a bit to a friend and on twitter and my paranoia is acting up so badly as well as a lot of neurosis lol. im just sure everyone hates me and finds me so cringey and . i can feel the disappointment and dread they all must feel when they have a notification from me and i hate it.

the paranoia is slightly different and wayyyy scarier but rn its too bad for me to talk abt lol

im gona go n sleep an try to forget how much everyone must feel secondhand embarrassment every time i speak

#people are just so kind and good to me #and i feel like i take advantage of that by like . venting on them #i must be so exhausting and draining and frankly embarrassing to be around #like they must just see me online and be like great here we go............ #i hate it #i wish i could just shut up and not talk #i think its adhd but like. i rly cant shut up ive tried #i just talk all the time #its horrible like shut the fuck upppp #and i wish i could convey these feelings to them #but that would make it Worse #god idk #i wish they were reading this so they could Know #so they could know that im self aware #and that however annoying they find me i find myself far far worse #captains log

[trashrightsactivist]

recent private chat highlights, megasilverfist and ‘Ruby’ (trashrightsactivist)

(Note: This is for peoples' OOC reading pleasure, and cannot actually be seen by your character unless you are hacking tumblr to view peoples' private messages.)

Convo 1

megasilverfist

Hey, you might be making a post on this anyway, but any ideas on how I can keep people from lynching the local reds?

Preferably without making them even more angry with Voa, or totally trashing my career.  Though given the life or death nature I'm willing to stick my neck out a little, and we're probably going to war anyway.

trashrightsactivist

I don't even know. I'm still like idek about this whole thing. I hope you have enough food you are psychologically able to eat.

gotta wonder if this wasn't somehow a scheme to get us all killed

megasilverfist

I'm good, Nadles is probably regretting the unlimited noodles clause in my contract.

I don't see how that adds but then again

its not paranoia when the world really is out to get you.

trashrightsactivist

yeah i know it wasn't really it just feels that way

gotta go out of the district and to work soon, dreading it

honstly the best thing i can think of might be to remind people it's a voa blue not their reds at fault, he's a country away and has bodyguards so they're less likely to be able to hurt him

and the war is probably inevitable already

megasilverfist

sigh yeah

trashrightsactivist

anyway I'm going to work.

megasilverfist

cool, try not to die

trashrightsactivist

that's the plan ;)

megasilverfist

and remember if multiple people are coming at you don't let them surround you.

I'd meant to hook you up with some videos on basic street defense but its a bit late now.

trashrightsactivist

thanks. I guess if anything goes down at work... idk, I will try to get behind a corpse and hope they're too squeamish to touch it, idk

we've swapped shifts around so as much as we can people who are pregnant or have kids are staying home

anyway can't risk being late. hopefully ttyl

Convo 2

megasilverfist

You probably already figured this out, but maybe don't trust the food people are throwing out.

https://purpleparenting.tumblr.com/post/163275109612/people-are-reluctant-to-leave-out-their-food-for

trashrightsactivist

[no response]

megasilverfist

[after signficant waiting]

I'm just going to assume you're busy.  Right?

Yeah, thats it.  I should probably go train anyway.

3

megasilverfist

Glad you aren't dead. Let me know if I can help.

Also, like this probably is to much to ask, and might seem a bit creepy, but can you walk me through what happened?  I have a really strong interest in how street fights with untrained combatants play out.

trashrightsactivist

gonna go through what happened on blog but that won't have like. physical details of fight bit. i will go through those with you after post if you want but like. my memory of what occurred might not be 100%. concussion.

 megasilverfist

Yeah, that happens, I'd give you some tips but you've (hopefully?) got some actual medical attention.

 trashrightsactivist

yes. that I really don't remember, getting from fight to hospital.

nurse knows who brought me here but not how so I'mma try to track him down and ask

 megasilverfist

right

Red hospital or normal one?

 trashrightsactivist

red. we can't be patients in the other kind

but honestly being surrounded by only other reds rn is reassuring

 megasilverfist

Thought so, but was hoping otherwise because there are some very new drugs for brain injury that I don't think yours have access to.

Try to get some Alkysine if you can.

 trashrightsactivist

I'll ask. I know like, blunt force trauma is something this particular doc deals with a lot, so probly knows what he's doing

 megasilverfist

Not doubting his skill just access to supplies that are a bit limited among cleans.

 trashrightsactivist

fair. he said my brains not beat up too bad. no bleeding, minimal swelling.

 megasilverfist

That is very good.

 trashrightsactivist

few cracked ribs. coulda been a lot worse

 megasilverfist

Yeah, will you be able to get someone to cover you work for you?

 trashrightsactivist

yeah if they have to they'll share with the pathology techs at the hospital

(clean hospital. the guys who normally do 'why did you die of sick' exams will do 'why did you die of murder' exams)

but idek if they'll want me back at work, thats where the argument started

 megasilverfist

Oh shit.  Can you get another job?

 trashrightsactivist

yeah there is always just pick up to fall back on and can probably learn how to do the medical rather than crime version of the thing i do

 megasilverfist

Well thats good.

 trashrightsactivist

but yeah like.. i will report what i see not what my boss wants to be there

 megasilverfist

Is that (physically) safe?

 trashrightsactivist

well no, as we found out.

 megasilverfist

Oh sorry I thought you meant in your exit interview or whatever it is that you do when you leave an employer.

I'm not clear how that works.

I do stuff for money so I've got a job, but the way competitions work means I'm not technically an employee of anyone.

 trashrightsactivist

so I'm employed by a company, not the police, they just have a contract with the company. so shouldn't have to do exit interview? but. if they have a grudge they can find me.

maybe when it's less crisis-y there won't be a grudge

they would never usually ask that sort of thing, they're good cops usually

 megasilverfist

I think I see.

 trashrightsactivist

but you want me to put on the report those injuries are not from a police-issue beating stick when they are... I reckon whichever cop it was must have just panicked, the guy did look a bit red in the right light

 megasilverfist

Oh yeah, cleansticks are nasty.  I really respect you for doing that.

 trashrightsactivist

but it was stupid of me. I don't file the actual report, I just tell the guy who does what I see, he can cheerfully shred anything I say that he doesn't like

it was a futile gesture

 megasilverfist

Oh maybe a little less respect, but you tried.

 trashrightsactivist

i mean normally he wouldn't, you know

idk

everybody is not themselves now

 megasilverfist

Right.  Its relatively sane in my little bubble, because my gym is getting free nadles and I had enough money to help out my cousins (helps the grama buys instant stuff in bulk anyway).  So we've just been heads down focusing on the fights.  But everytime I get on this site its fucked.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't feel like I have the energy for any of it any more

its all just words

 megasilverfist

I keep trying to help, but there just isn't much I can do.  I'm not a big celebrity yet, and I'm now broke again even though I was planning on streching out my prize money so I can't donate.  I'm tempted to go and try to punch anyone causing problems, but still have some common sense.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't have any suggestions any more

shitty as it was all i want is for things to go back to normal

 megasilverfist

Wow, things really are bad if you think normal would be ok.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah well

talk to me when it doesn't hurt to breathe, maybe I'll get my sass back

 megasilverfist

Right.  I'll let you heal then.  Here's some of my fanfic if you need something to read http://archiveofourown.org/works/2809283/chapters/6304610 ((not by me ooc))

 trashrightsactivist

thanks dude

 megasilverfist

np

4

trashrightsactivist

[ruby will send you as good an account of how the fight went down as she can. It was her and a dude who works for the same company, but mostly at the hospital (who also helped her with this account of the fight), and they were jumped returning to their body transport vehicle. Two cops with extendable sticks. The other red was mostly able to keep out of it since they weren't really going for him, he was trying to get into his work bag for the closest thing he had to a weapon (a scalpel) but by the time he got it out it was over. The cops clearly didn't intend to kill her, just send a message - but at the same time, they can't have been overly concerned with *not* killing her, because they easily could have just by a blow landing a bit differently in a way they couldn't precisely control.

Ruby's only notable action was to try to crawl under the hearse in the hopes that they wouldn't be able to get to her, but since they were willing to lay hands on her they just dragged her out.]

 megasilverfist

Thanks, that was helpful for me, hopefully you won't be attacked again especially by the police but he are some possibly helpful thoughts. The hearse move was a good idea, even if it didn't work.  Playing dead might have been a good idea.  Also using your hands to protect your head while exposing tempting but less fatal targets as sacrifices.  Getting caned in the butt or similar hurts but you know enough anatomy to know you'd prefer it to your current state.  Lastly, its probably best for your coworker that he was forced to stay out of it, but if he had gotten involved using the bag as a shield and /or to entangle the cleansticks (thats the actual name I didn't come up with it) would probably have been a good strategy.  I'm not a cleanstick specialist, but knives are a bad match against them even when pre drawn, but they are *relatively* easy to screw up with tangle weapons and makeshift shields since they don't have a cutting edge or the weight of traditional staffs.

Almost forgot, I was assuming that the bag was heavy enough to hurt when swung but light enough that you can swing it pretty fast like 5-15 pounds.

 trashrightsactivist

Thanks for the advice

I'd be concerned that any sort of fighting back might only make them angrier? Like they were risking a kill but probably not going for one, if we'd fought back..

 megasilverfist

Yeah, thats what I meant by it being best that your coworker stayed out of it.          I included my advice based on the best way to deal with actually fighting but really, like ok if I had been swapped with your coworker by magic AND been able to draw the scapble to dual wield AND you're not in Biyan then I probably could have won the fight.  But thats some rather big ifs and doesn't get into what would happen afterwards.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I mean ultimately him staying out of it probably saved my life cause it meant he could drive me to the hospital

but I don't doubt it woulda gone differently with a martial arts expert instead of a nerdy autopsy tech

why would being in Biyan make a difference, do cops have different weapons there or something?

 megasilverfist

Yeah, still effectively 2 v 1 with inferior weapons is not a great place.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I'm in no hurry to leave the district again in the current climate

 megasilverfist

Biyan is just behind us here in Tapa when it comes to overall cleanstick fighting, and thats going by the performance of athletes and police department champions (as in representatives) in tournaments.  I didn't realize this until recently, but my research suggests that they spend a lot more time training their normal non-specialist cops in it than almost anyone else.

 trashrightsactivist

huh. Wonder if they anticipate more fights, or if they're trying to reduce the amount they resort to guns?

 megasilverfist

Well I don't know much about them, but going off what I do know and the  scenarios in this manual I found http://wiktenauer.com/wiki/Paradoxes_of_Defence_(George_Silver) I think they just really hate reds.

 trashrightsactivist

oh, the depressing reason

your fanfic was good btw

 megasilverfist

Yup:( Like obviously part of why cleansticks are used instead of other staffs is that they can be used on you guys, but their supposed to be general purpose weapons. And thats not what I'm seeing here as a highly trained martial artist with color vision.

Thanks.

So I mean obviously you can tell how many of those figures have red hair, but as a highly trained martial artist TM I can tell you the convention is normally to depict every combatant as a grey.

 trashrightsactivist

well that would make sense given cultural norms and all

wonder what you lot would make of the bareknuckle one-on-ones that go down here sometimes

 megasilverfist

I would be super super curious, and would love it if there was a way to get video without the obvious problems with that.

But like what rules (if any) are there.

And (how) do people train?

And what techniques do they use?

 trashrightsactivist

they serve a vaguely similar purpose to duels in being part of the internal dispute resolution system? Similar to what I read about Erithani duels there's a lot of like, chances to back down and apologise worked into the system and their function seems to be more preventative

 megasilverfist

That seems sensible, greys kinda do that, but less that we probably should.

 trashrightsactivist

rules are simple, fists and a bit of grappling though grandads love to debate whether that was allowed int heir day, no kicking or gouging or whatever, and it's over when someone falls down or gives up

kids *practice* in the sense of, they scrap for fun, idk to what extent it constitutes training

it's not very formal and really the point is to be willing to fight to prove your point rather than neccessarily being good?

so it probably looks exceedingly sloppy to someone like you

 megasilverfist

Probably, but there really is something to be said for raw courage.

No gouging and no kicks is a really good idea from a safety perspective, but having more grappling and less punching would probably be a smart move from that perspective.

Not that I expect ya'll to change your culture based on my advice.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I mean it's mostly a way to contain disputes among like 3.5-6 year olds so there's a socially accepted endpoint and no risk of harming the community fabric or attracting attention from outside the district

 megasilverfist

And they are you from a showing your serious veiwpoint.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't think they'd accept alterations based on safety, cause it's about having the balls, as you said

but given that I have that Red Island separatist fantasy it does make me wonder how the justice system would turn out

'you may either fight the defendant, or have the judge explain this entire mess to your grandmother, how do you plead?'

 megasilverfist

Lololol

My grama would say the mess is fine but why wouldn't you fight em?

 trashrightsactivist

maybe you like your face :P

 megasilverfist

Well I am dashingly handsome.

 trashrightsactivist

I saw your promo pics online, can't disagree there

 megasilverfist

Thanks, though the photographer did a lot.

Legally we can't photoshop them too much, but lighting, picking the best one ect can do a ton, and we can shop a little.

 trashrightsactivist

if I were the type to do selfies, I would not be doing selfies for a good few weeks

 megasilverfist

Yeah, I get that, though we're encouraged to to the occasional beat up shot as long as its framed properly.

 trashrightsactivist

oh of course. but gotta be like, sexy injured not 'mishandled reject tomato' injured

 megasilverfist

Yup, a mix of that and sometimes having to look bad to make the other guy look good for the good of the sport.

 trashrightsactivist

you aren't suggesting any of it is staged are you?

 megasilverfist

Just the photo shoots yes. The matches very no.  In my main promotion that is.  I keep meaning to right a post about this, but there are promotions that are explicitly registered as stunt based entertainment which are fixed to varying degrees.

One of them even has a "red" as one of the "heels".

 trashrightsactivist

what.

liiink

actual *actors* tryna play reds is always tragihilarious, I can't imagine what that would be like

is his special move whacking you over the head with a garbage can

IS HIS CATCHPHRASE 'TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH'

 megasilverfist

Actually he's an undertaker, and makes horrible horrible death puns.

And fights with a piece of "sewage pipe" granted to him by his district elder.

But the overall thing is as corny as you're picturing it.

And frankly I like your idea better.

Not that I really approve, of making him the heel, but I guess you have to take what you can get.

 trashrightsactivist

oh sure, well he was never gonna be anything else

 megasilverfist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6CD7TUIS7c

 trashrightsactivist

that shit is hilarious

 megasilverfist

Ok, I should go soon, but three things first.

 trashrightsactivist

ok

 megasilverfist

first if you need to get a hold of me outside tumblr in a fairly secure way use ((contact info)) unless you have a better suggestion you seem to know security.

The next two are two good thing to come from this mess.  Well good from your prospective I guess.

 trashrightsactivist

thanks. I don't think I have anything better rn but I'll check and let you know, otherwise that looks good.

 megasilverfist

First, I am sick of this shit.  I still believe in pollution, and I can't do much now, but stars like actual national champs get one controversial position.  I was going to go after the fitness scams that basically everyone but blues fall for but...

yeah.

And lastly oh wait you already rebloged it so much for my climax, but still

[link to 3cool5u’s Allocator Savo fanfic]

 trashrightsactivist

:)

the second one though. What are you planning?

 megasilverfist

I'll need to think of some details after I win, but ways to improve red lives without denying pollution exists.

 trashrightsactivist

I'm grateful that you want to do something. I'll look round see if I got some suggestions for specific points. Most importantly, though - if it made sense to keep a lid on things for now before it probably still does

for now

#amenta rp #private chat logs

[purple-possibilities]

Character meme! Maito Gai! Casue I mean... look at my icon. This should be no surprise.

You have chosen the very greatest picture of Gai as your icon.  I am honoured to write this tribute to a lovely man.

First impression

Wuh… turtle… a man… on a turtle… a man on a turtle… in a green… a green… one piece… jumpsuit? with… orange… yellow… orange… puce… sienna… goldenrod—fuck it idk what colour that is it’s orange now—leg… legwarmers? are..eyebrows? what? but the other one? matching? what? i don’t… who thought this was a good idea?  Why… is that a sunset?  Why is he talking like this?  Is this funny? Is this dumb?  a turtle?  How is the turtle talking, and is it a tortoise or a turtle… idon’tlikehim—nowait—he’s the greatest

Impression now

Gai is amazing.  Hilarious.  I have mad respect for him.  He may have started off as a joke character but he is actually amazing, as a person, as a teacher, as a character, and I love him.

Favorite moment

After the Chuunin Prelims, the scene where Gai is talking to Lee about the probability of Lee surviving the procedure, and promises that if Lee dies, then Gai will die too.  It’s the first moment you see Gai being serious, and you learn the true measure of his devotion.  Gai might be loud and obnoxious and sunset genjutsus, but he’s also love and warmth and he would do anything for someone he cared about.  This was the first time we saw Gai—and Lee—as people and not gags.  And it was touching and sad and it really made me care about both of them.

Idea for a story

Fuck if I know.  Let met think…I hate to do this, but since Ume is known as the Queen of Angst I’m going to say I was inspired.  When Kakashi is in the midst of his ANBU depression and Gai petitions to be able to join, instead of saying ‘no,’ Sandaime says ‘yes.’  Now we’ve got ANBU Gai, being forced into completing these brutal missions or being charged with insubordination of the highest degree (the punishment of which, is death).  Not wanting to see Gai punished, Kakashi does the dirty work while Gai basically panics.  Seeing how much further into his shell this is pushing Kakashi, Gai bites the bullet and starts pulling his own weight.  The two spiral deeper into ANBU and the darkness that follows them, desperately grasping onto each other.  Gai finally begs Kakashi to leave one day, but Kakashi cannot, even seeing how affected Gai is.  So Gai sticks by his side, slowly killing off all the brightest parts of himself.  Until one day, Gai see’s a young boy with thick eyebrows trying his damnedest to be a ninja without chakra, and begs Sandaime to let him be the boy’s sensei.  Hiruzen finally smartens up, and ejects both Gai and Kakashi from ANBU.  They get their students, and they learn how to heal with their new purpose (Gai is better off at first, but he drags Kakashi behind him).  And then everything eventually works out because I was making myself sad.  As a payoff to having Gai in ANBU, let’s pretend that Kakashi and Gai were such a great team, they ended up finding Obito, they caught him, brought him to the village for rehabilitation.  No Uchiha Massacre, Madara is dead already and now has no one to bring him back to life, Zetsu walked into a patch of experimental weed killer and died (yes, all the Zetsu, it was a huge patch and they just kept walking into it for no reason. maybe there were some parasitic ants that took over their brains or something convenient like that), and everyone lives, everyone’s happy, hugs and kisses for everyone.  Boom.  Horrible ending.

Unpopular opinion

I honestly think Gai would be the greatest boyfriend.  As in: The. Greatest. Ever.  He would win awards for being an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing husband, and an amazing father.  Why?  Because he would give you his everything.  And not in a ‘Oh, I want to take advantage of the man,’ kind of way, but in the sense that, once Gai has decided you’re the one for him (even if you’re just the one for him right now) he is going to put soooo much effort into making sure you’d be happy.  He’d be bringing you little gifts every day, just because they reminded him of you.  They would probably all be different, things that he saw while doing his crazy training throughout the village, but they would all have some sort of deep personal meaning and you would probably love them.  Ok, there might be some trial and error in the beginning, but the man learns fast and never gives up.  If you didn’t like receiving physical gifts, he would gift you every day with something non-physical.  Maybe you like horrible poetry?  Gai will write you daily poems.  Maybe you like massages?  Gai will give you daily back massages, foot massages, wrist massages, full body massages (and i do mean full body massages) etc.  Maybe you just want someone to sit quietly with and cuddle for like an hour—Gai will stfu and cuddle with you.  Sure, he’ll be bursting with thoughts after, and he might get a little fidgety, but he will 100% do it, if it makes you happy.  So you better fucking treat him good or I’ll cut you.  Okay, Kakashi will cut you but still.  Don’t do that to Gai.  If you’re an introvert and you feel sometimes that his personality gets to be a little much, he will try to tone it down or give you space, but he’ll be back to 11 in a heartbeat if you change your mind.  He would remember every single important date.  If you wanted to go somewhere or do something, Gai would make it happen.  Whether that’s going skydiving off the mountains in Lightening, or looking for a mythical fish off the coast of Water, or going to the Land of Hotsprings for some R&R, or just going to the corner store to pick up your favourite take-out and that movie you were talking about.  Did you run out of sugar while baking?  Gai will bring you sooo much sugar in like two seconds flat.  Is he out of the village?  Doesn’t matter.  His summons are at your service (even if they’re a bit slower).  He would back you up no matter what (and even if you broke up, Gai would still have your back.  Gai is Ride or Die ok, he will be there for you as long as you’re not horrible and cheat on him or something.  Don’t be mean to Gai; he’s precious). If you’re having problems in your relationship, Gai will do his best to work them out with you.  Gai will go to therapy and work his ass off to make both of you happy. Gai obviously has his quirks and his own issues, and wheelchair bound Gai will probably take some time to bounce back into his normal vigour.  But honestly, out of his generation, he’d probably be the best boyfriend.  People don’t want to date Gai because LOUD and EYEBROWS and THAT HORRIBLE OUTFIT but a) he can be quiet if you need him to be, b) the eyebrows aren’t that bad get over it, and c) you bet your ass Gai looks amazing naked in civvies.  Don’t ask Gai to change for you (honestly, if you caught his attention, then I probably don’t have to tell you that) because that’s just mean.  But Gai will treat you right.  Date Gai.  You won’t find a better boyfriend.  And if you’re lucky and he proposes, marry Gai.  You might want to elope, though.  He will go a little overboard with the ceremony otherwise.  But hey, you’re dating Gai, you probably like overboard.  So go for the ceremony.  It will be the greatest wedding anyone has every attended.

Favorite relationship

If you’ve been on my blog for more than five minutes you know I love Kakashi.  But that is not my favourite relationship of Gai’s.  I love Gai’s relationship with his students, but specifically with Tenten.  Now I know what you’re thinking; sibi, why choose Tenten when there is Lee, Gai’s protege.  Well, it’s simple.  It’s easy to get along with someone who is like you.  Lee has always been a mini-Gai, and so it was not hard for them to bond.  Both have a relationship based on common interests and common goals, and it is a beautiful relationship.  Gai and Neji’s relationship falls in a similar vein; hard working student, eager to improve himself through hard work.  The problem here is that Gai isn’t much of a mentor—not by any fault of his own, but by virtue of Neji focusing on the Gentle Fist Style.  There were certainly exercises to build endurance and stamina and team bonds that Gai taught Neji, but Neji had a path already, and it was easy to guide him on it.  I love Gai’s relationship with Tenten because he had none of that.  All Gai had in common with Tenten was that they both work hard.  She had no real direction, she had no clan to teach her a specific style or put her on a path she could follow.  He could not identify with her as a girl, he didn’t really know how to treat her (because while Gai is a ball of sunshine he is awkward in his own way) but despite this, he didn’t give up.  He wanted to help her fulfil her goals.  Tenten’s dream was to be like Tsunade?  Gai was going to make that happen.  He tried to set her up with a medical ninja, since that’s what Tsunade was most famous for.  uh oh, Tenten didn’t have the chakra control.  Gai was not deterred.  Tsunade was known for her super strength…but that also required chakra control that Tenten didn’t have.  Gai was not deterred.  He tried to give her his summoning contract, but Tenten ended up insulting the tortoise and ruining that chance, as well as a chance for any animal summon (as the tortoises would surely gossip about the disrespect).  Gai was not deterred.  He taught her how to summon weapons.  He just kept trying.  Gai tried his best to equip Tenten with the skills she would need to fulfil her dream.  She did not end up proficient in the same way that Tsunade was.  But she found her own star.  She found something she loved, developed a fighting style all on her own, and became the greatest at what she did.  And Gai, who didn’t have the talents to teach her to be like Tsunade, didn’t go ‘oh well, I can’t help her,’ he said, ‘if this doesn’t work, then we’ll try that, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll try…’ until Tenten found herself.  He was an amazing mentor to all of his students, but this is most evident, in my opinion, with Tenten.

Favorite headcanon

I don’t remember where it started, but I like the idea that Gai is actually a genjutsu type, and whenever you see the sunset behind him, it’s actually him casting a low level genjutsu for theatrics. 

Here is the ask.  Send me a character (canon or oc) or even a pairing.  Up next is Genma, and then Hidan, Adult!Obito, Rock Lee, and Ino. (which I think I’m going to have to do later, it’s time for me to sleep).

Already completed: Madara, Kakashi, Shino, Tenzou

#kunoichi-ume #answered asks #character ask #maito gai #ask meme #sibi talks about naruto

[avasilvugh]

TELL ME! I always love your thoughts!

BLESS U

so the all the kids love their moms a Whole Heck of a Lot right and obviously kara and lena love their kiddos more than words can describe and its not that there’s any favoritism??  at all, like none, its just that stella is sort of naturally closer to lena??  in the same way that finn and maia are sort of naturally closer to kara, like there’s a certain sort of distance created when you’re a kid and you physically can’t Be a certain way around one of your parents

so there’s not distance per se but just....things that kara can do with finn and maia that she cant do with stella and things that lena can do with stella that she cant do with finn and maia 

and its not a Thing but then it sort of becomes a Thing ??  not so much for finn and maia bc lena and kara have gotten creative in making sure that lena’s always been able to be as involved in their lives as kara 

but heres the deal: maia and finn have kara’s powers and kara trains them.  that’s cool, thats fine, stella gets why she does; kara takes them to the deo with her a lot and they punch cars together (especially maia, she’s got a Lot of Rage to work through) and they go flying and kara helps them practice control over their powers and stella can’t help but feel a little left out??  bc for the most part, because her siblings are in control of their powers, they have the option to do everything she can with lena but stella doesnt have the same option with kara

and she hides it rlly well!  she does!  bc its not kara’s fault and its not finn and maia’s fault, its just how they are, and stella decides it has to be her fault which in turn feeds into the dark thoughts she already has bc, you know, empath that acts as an emotional sponge for the world

kara and lena both notice little stella withdrawing, kara notices its more around her than lena and is like..heartbroken.  just fucking devastated bc holy shit what did she do how did this happen she fucked up she fucked up and lena tries to comfort her but she’s p worried too like fuck whats going on 

and it doesnt help that stella can literally feel everything that they feel???  so she just shoves her feelings down even more and bounces back and then it boils over and this one in her class says her brother said that her brother is a word that makes stella shake with anger and she just hauls off and punches the girl

lena’s usually the parent the school calls first but she’s in opal city for a conference so lena calls kara, then the school calls kara and she’s in the middle of an interview and she let lena go to voicemail bc if its urgent she’ll call back but then she’s like “crap, it’s my daughter’s school” and her subject (idk wonder woman or smth) is like “omg no don’t worry, family first” and is super understanding when kara bolts

and like.......she would have expected this from maia, maybe (maia, who still takes the supplement that suppresses her powers bc she doesnt trust herself not to, maia, who gets so numb she just sometimes hits stuff just to feel something) but not stella??  not tiny little stella that used to sob when she accidentally pulled lena’s hair as a toddler or completely forgot kara had superstrength and would apply bandaid after bandaid when she bumped her elbow on the table

so she gets to the school and stella’s just Not Talking, in full shut down like she gets when she gets fried from the world (its sort of sensory overload??  thats the best way to describe it) and she shies away when kara reaches for her, tries to tip her face up to get a better look at the black eye she’s got forming

pls note that stella’s maybe eleven and still Small and she looks even tinier to kara now, looks more like the baby she pulled out of an abandoned car on the pier, and kara’s heart twists and twists at the way stella wont look at her

so she lays her phone on the chair next to stella and marches into the principals office and, while she agrees that stella shouldnt have resorted to violence, she also fully trusts and believes that her daughter wouldnt do anything without reason and she just verbally eviscerates the other mom, who tries to make it out like her daughter hasnt been harassing stella for years or anything (bc kara fucking commits every name to memory, every person that has ever hurt her kids, remembers their names what they said or did and she seethes bc she cant ??  fix all their problems for them???)

and when she marches back out, stella’s playing candy crush and has managed to escape with only suspension for the rest of the day and she still wont look at kara but she grabs onto kara’s hand with surprising force and kara’s like Okay, everything is going to be Okay

eventually stella says it, not to kara, but to alex bc she cant face her mom, either of her moms, with this, not when she’ll feel everything kara feels and she cant handle how it’ll hurt her to know that stella feels so angry and so useless, feels like she cant keep up with kara so she doesnt feel like she should even try, like she doesnt deserve to be kara zor-el’s daughter 

so alex asks if she cant tell this to kara and stella sort of sobs out a please and alex is a lot better at compartmentalizing, which is a skill stella appreciates bc it means all she can feel is alex’s love for her, kindness, warmth, not the way alex’s heart is breaking for her youngest niece

so alex tells kara and kara is fucking devastated like holy shit how did she not see this and alex and lena both are like hey its okay, she buries her feelings, thats part of her powers and lena’s like i didnt see it either but none of it helps bc kara’s like i failed her, i failed my kid

stella usually carpools w/ her best friend home or to lena’s office after school but kara all but demands an afternoon off, storming into snapper’s office and throwing him for like.....several loops with the way she basically tells him she’s taking this thursday and every thursday hereafter off.  and she calls ari’s mom to tell her that she’s picking up stella and she’s the first car at pick up and she picked up stella’s favorite drink from starbucks on her way over and her heart sort of twists a little at the obvious surprise on stella’s face to see her but she works extra hard to box that up and it must be working because stella’s stormy expression has already cleared a bit by the time she makes it to the car

when they pull up to the deo, stella figures that it must be time for her like biannual brain scans, to see how she’s matching up with other telepathic aliens bc they still dont know that much abt her species, but then kara’s guiding her down a different hallway, still just chatting with her abt her day and stuff like that

they walk into one of the Many training rooms and stella’s like ?????  and kara tosses her a gym bag from a locker that stella notices has her name on it and is like i know it’s really hard to not be able to do what your brother and sister can and i am so sorry that i never saw how much you’re struggling.  and i know its not fair that you dont get to punch cars with us, but you can punch this punching bag and talk to me and stella’s sort of overwhelmed??  but in a good way for once

so thats how they start spending thursday afternoons.  kara has alex teach stella proper form after that first day and then they figure out a routine—kara greets stella with a snack afterschool and they head to the deo and dont talk about the heavy stuff until after stella’s changed, after kara’s wrapped stella’s hands, until stella’s gotten a few good punches in, kara steadying the bag.  then it all starts coming out, all the terrible thoughts stella has, all the horrible things she feels that arent even her feelings to begin with, all these awful orphaned emotions that she takes on without meaning to

the system works rlly well bc stellas too wrapped up in her own head, in her words and in making sure she’s in the proper stance, throwing her weight the right way to notice anything kara’s thinking or feeling which is good bc she’s a kid and she shouldnt be worried about her mom’s stuff, she should just feel safe enough to let kara carry some of the burden

THIS GOT RLLY LONG AND I HAVE MORE SO ITS UNDER THE CUT SRY

IM GOING TO SCREAM ABT THE DYNAMIC BTWN THE KIDDOS FOR A MINUTE OKAY

finn is the Ultimate big brother but he is So Soft oh my god.  like??  he Will Not hurt anyone, he refuses to but the absolute second it looks like someone’s fucking with his sisters he makes it seem like he is absolutely willing to hurt someone.  he’s only hit someone once, and that’s this one guy that was pulling shit with stella he shouldnt have been (stella was visiting finn at college and definitely wasnt supposed to be at the omega phi party but well u kno how dumb teenagers can be) and finn punched him once, with nowhere near his full strength and the asshole cried and finn only felt a little bad

but !  for the most part he’s not the beat ppl up for my sisters kind of brother, he’s the do you wanna talk about it brother, the you’re on your period so i ran over to the corner store and got those stick on heat packs you like and also three pints of ben and jerrys brother, the your date bailed and youre crying in your room and think i cant hear it so i cancelled my plans and now we’re going to have a movie night on the couch, mama ordered chinese food brother

he’s the one that follows maia and cleans up the mess she’s made but only after he’s wrapped her up in the tightest hug he thinks she’ll tolerate and promised not to tell moms anything.  he’s the one that helps her keep a lid on it most days, appearing from a classroom and pulling her into it when it looks like she’s about to rip a locker door off its hinges.  the one that intervenes with teachers on her behalf after she blows up in class, smoothes things over so their moms dont have to get involved or ever know about it

he’s the one that acts as a buffer for stella a lot of the time, especially when they’re very little.  he keeps by her side when she’s very small, still unsteady on her feet and that’s their holding pattern, her stumbling and him right beside her and offering her his hand.  he’s the one that acts as a go between for her when the world overwhelms her and, ranking just below their moms, is one of her favorite people and one of her Certified Safe Places.  the list is a small one (basically consisting of lena, kara, finn, alex, maggie, eliza, and j’onn), it’s v prestigious in his opinion

sweet child of mine, i could wax poetic abt how soft and gentle finn is with his sisters and his mothers and the world in general

MAIA IS SUCH A FIRE STARTER OH MY GOD i love her i love her so much but she is destructive as hell.  like the best way to describe it is this—u know how soft finn is?  he’s kara danvers.  maia?  kara zor-el when angered.  she screams and she rages and she’s a hurricane and she breaks things and burns things but she is so fucking careful with the people she loves and even though she loves flying, she loves not worrying about hurting them more so she keeps her powers suppressed for like.....basically from birth to when she’s about twenty or so and she’s a mess but she’s a mess you call when you’re in a fight in a denny’s parking lot and you know she’ll show up even though it’s 2am and you started the fight

and she loves her family so so much??  so much it hurts???  and she’s not good with feelings like finn and can’t read ppl like stella so she doesn’t know what to do with the way she feels most of the time so she beats ppl up for her siblings without them even having to ask 

she finds finn locked in the girls bathroom once and doesnt even say a fucking word, she just storms into the boys locker room and starts threatening ppl until they point her to the ringleader and he well he never messes with finn ever again and quite honestly flinches whenever maia danvers walks into a room

stella gets called a freak?  technically maia doesn’t beat the kid up that said it, bc he’s like twelve, but she still intimidates the hell out of him.  in college, stella comes out and like most ppl r cool w/ it but this one dude in her freshmen seminar calls her a dyke and stella doesnt even necessarily tell maia, but she’s in the city and has brunch with her the next day and can fucking see it in her face and so she does beat him up

most ppl at school dont realize their mom is Lena Luthor bc she’s mostly known as mrs danvers or maia/finn/stella’s mom/other mom and she rlly looks v different when she’s at the school or at a recital or performance or game, usually in casual clothes with her hair down and sunglasses on, so no one ever rlly puts it together but once maia heard these kids saying that any luthor still standing is a threat, you know? and she sort of destroys them

i mean, to be clear, they r alive

they also dont ever say the name luthor within their high school ever again

when she gets older, she sort of mellows out thanks to age and maturity and also a fuck ton of therapy but she still verbally destroys ppl and is that person that’s always like they’re not treating you right?  leave their ass

and stella oh little stella

she’s like very much the baby of the family, like there’s abt five years btwn her and finn and three btwn her and maia and she idolizes her siblings even if she’ll never voice it

she is also a giant brat sometimes like she mercilessly blackmails them for rides and party invites and whatever else she wants (obviously not mercilessly, never about the big stuff, never about anything real) and they know she’d never follow through on her threats but they give her whatever it is she wants anyway bc that’s sort of part of the game they play, you know?

she also takes like.....a lot of care for them.  like as much as they protect her, she protects them.  she’s usually the first line of defense when things get shitty, bc she feels it??  and is sort of forced into noticing first.  when finn starts getting nightmares, it’s stella that clambers into his bed and starts telling him stories.  she’s the first to get a Bad Vibe from maia’s bf and she fucking acts on it, tells their moms.  she knows when her siblings are happy and she cheers them on so fucking loudly and she knows when theyre hurting and she’s the first to bring them kleenex and snacks

#kara danvers #lena luthor #im yelling this got so long oh my god #supergirl #supercorp #superbabies #thats it thats my tag for this series #tinytoffeebean #human interaction