#idk i feel like shit and if i have to claw myself tooth and nail to tuesday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mego42 · 4 years

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Hi!!!!! Yell at me instead about # 1, 3, 15, and 17!!!!

Ahahaha I appreciate the offer but trust me when I say you do not want me to yell at you like I’ve had to yell at some people today. On the bright side I got to “per my previous email” a bunch of people so that’s always fun. ANYWAY.

1. Tell us about your WIP!

erm, lets see, I picked the five outsider povs on brio post 311 prompt for the prompt-a-thon and it’s been a kind of weird experience to write, tbh? I was flailing around for a structure for it and ended up deciding to make it a companion to now use both hands just out of sheer desperation to give myself a starting point. I then proceeded to write the last scene first which is extremely not my usual style but when combined with the companion thing has been an interesting experiment in how I, um, idk, write against myself? if that makes sense?

I’ve got the Rhea and Mick POV in the bag so those will def go up on Monday. Might even fuck around and finish up Annie POV too but no promises, I’m getting an itch to get back into ch 9 of song.

3. What is your favorite/least favorite part about writing?

Lol, the writing part. For both fav and least. I live for that moment when the words are just pouring out and when I step back I’m like goddamn I did some shit. I absolutely loathe when it feels like I’m fighting tooth and nail to claw even a single word out of my brain and then when I line up the results into a sentence they’re all wobbly and misshapen and wrong and I don’t know what combination of things I need to do to get them to be right. But man, that first part is magic. I’m constantly chasing it.

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

Ahahaha..hahaha......ha. I like, don’t? Deal with it I mean. I kind of just, like, sit with it and hope it goes away? And then sometimes it does? Idk, I just make myself not quit, remind myself this too shall pass and if not, I can always quit later! Other tricks include going back and reading comments (though sometimes this backfires bc my brain is like LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE YOU TRICKED) and sometimes I have to walk away for a few days. Idk, like I said, I don’t really deal with it, I just try to ride it out until it goes away.

17. What things (scenes/topics/character types) are you most comfortable writing?

Ummmmm huh. this was weirdly hard to answer. stuff with an emotional hook, I guess? I'm most comfortable when I’ve got some kind of state of mind I can, like, climb inside and write from there? Plot heavy stuff is hard because it’s like, idk, things happening which feels like it should be easier in some ways (literally just write the things that are happening, right?) but without some kind of emotional interior I struggle. If I feel like I have a solid grasp on the emotional space the characters are in, I can pretty much go wherever with it.

writer ask meme

#if anyone has actual tactics for dealing with imposter syndrome please send them my way #both in general and actively rn bc um yeah #it's v real #shout out to me for not deleting everything i've drafted for the PAT yet though #i've literally nearly done that every day this week #BUT IM RESISTING #writer ask meme #medievalraven

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crescendo-system · 7 years

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so last night... I had gone to the beach, felt great, and was lying around icing my back. I decided to close my eyes and chill (literally), and I just... felt like I was in the right mindset for recalling stuff? So I decided, rather than pushing for a specific kin or memory set, to just breath, relax, let myself fall into it, and let the memories come to me.

Thus discovering a new kin in the process. I was hoping for something pre-existing but I guess that works too huh? *shrugs* anyways....

-I started out in a house. Not a hive, a house. There was a window open to let sunlight in, normal sunlight, but it bugged me having that open. After orienting myself (the conscious part of me was unsure of who I was, where I was etc.) I went over to the window and shut it, pulling down the blinds (they were those cheap pulldown blinds that roll or unroll based on tension). I took a glance down at the hand I pulled it with - grey, with yellow nails, and a mark - mole? wart? dark freckle? - on top of the hand, to the right of my thumb. My hands were a little sturdier looking than my irl ones - a different build, like fire hands perhaps, and a little more meat on them. Of course, my hands irl are bony af so this doesn’t mean my hands were super pudgy in the memory, just didn’t look so stiff and rigid.

-So I knew I was a troll, and based on the thick grey sweater sleeve that rested on my wrist I was certain this was a Karkat memory.

-I was gonna leave the room, go somewhere else in the otherwise dark house, when I heard a voice call my name - “Karkat” I rushed over to the source of the voice just as Dave came into the doorway, and I threw my arms around him into a big ole hug. I remember looking up at him and asking what he wanted, he said nothing and I snorted and asked sarcastically what he was even calling my name for. I didn’t let go though, still had him in a big hug.

-He told me something, something conversational like “hey did you know ---?” I just kinda grunted in response, still cuddling him. Whatever he was telling me was about someone we knew like ‘you know so and so did/does fill in the blank’ or whatever. I can’t remember now bc I waited too long to write anything down like a douche.

-a thought had occurred to me, based on something from longer ago irl, and I kinda frowned and pulled away a bit, saying, to myself or out loud “why the fuck are you so thin???” The Dave I was hugging was like a beanpole, tall and thin. And honestly I feel like it was my own conscious thoughts getting something muddled up, but it still struck me as strange. Likely answer is I was misremembering Dave as thin but when I tried to picture other body types it wasn’t coming to me.

-Whatever it was the memory carried on a bit before we parted and I went back towards the kitchen, which was super dark other than *another* open window, which I grumbled testily about and shut, unable to figure out why Dave always left the darn things open.

-I felt the memory faltering so I decided to switch - I had the strong impression this house was set in Earth C, but did this mean we beat the game? Or was it an au of some sort? So I tried to hop to an earlier memory, and was confronted with Lord English, who was fucking big and honestly kinda terrifying.... and scaley. /:<B I remember the bright flashing lights and red desert-like background, and I feel like there was.... something? behind him? If I had to guess it was his sarcophagus but idk if he showed up in that during the fight. I also remember being at the front of a crowd, I had the impression there were others on either side of me but tbh I was too transfixed with fear at the giant lumbering green hulk that had showed up.

-something jolted me back into focus, and in panic I launched myself at him, scythes ready. He grabbed me when I got close enough though, in those big old claws of his, and basically crushed my skull. Since it was my dreamself I woke up unharmed but still in a big panic.

-this jolted me to my next memory, fighting the Felt (they were a gross itchy fabric, living up to their felt name and reference to being pool table elements. It was rough and scratchy and I hated it.) I recall glancing over and seeing Jake being overwhelmed, but I couldn’t do anything about it, I was so distracted by the lucky one getting in my face and way. It was frustrating!

-I got pretty upset fighting that one damn leprechaun, frustrated and feeling so useless for being unable to fight him, which is what led to angry tears. But I eventually figured something out and got him under control, and when I saw the way he was looking at me I snapped at him to shove it bc I didn’t do that shit. My quadrants were already occupied anyways and I wasn’t looking for anything more. (*coughcoughDavecoughcough*)

-I have a brief memory of after the battles, when I met up with Dave again - I tried to play it cool, since our thing was weird, but he just beckoned me over and I threw my arms around him in a big hug again. I once again thought to myself that he was super fucking thin, before things just sorta petered off there.

-I paid more attention to details this time, partially bc I thought I was gonna have to talk to my mom about stuff this weekend so I wanted to be able to say I was able to pinpoint specific details. I had a good sense of visuals overall this time too.

Personally speaking I was a short and stout Karkat, my hair was messy and my sweater oversized by a considerable margin. Dave was tall and pretty thin as evidenced by my astute observation skills during the memory walk, african/mixed w a bleached poof of hair on top.

Lord English was exactly canon, I just saw him with more realism. I correctly noticed which side his gold tooth was on (Im dyslexic so my own memory could have flipped it, but nope! it was right! Leprechauns were green n felty, as described previously. Jake was built strong and muscular, taller than me at least, and had rich dark brown skin? at the distance I saw him at though I couldn’t be sure of his features so idk what his exact race was.

#shoutyshouts #shoutyshoutmemories #kin.txt #memory walk #sort of #Dave Strider #Jake English #Lord English #The Felt

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roughentumble · 6 years

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a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis.

i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--

i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression.

OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.

so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.

something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.

so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies.

cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women.

he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.

he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds.

so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see.

he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day.

ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--

okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i

i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.

and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.

you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!

and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!!

leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.

because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others.

which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!

i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes.

when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”

#long post tag #LIKE. this is simply one example #i still generally go ''nah hes a Dick'' but ive been. more and more. just bein like #''but...................... b- but........ tht poor guy :(''#and im so lost. i feel like im in a wind tunnel of confusion #maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like #getting more comfortable w/ saying im trans and acknowledging im A Dude #so idk. but. still. life is weird and bad and i dont understand #maybe im loosing the Female Perspective. maybe in a month i'll be an incel complaining about Femoids #(im joking)

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