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#idk how to explain it any better than that without being specific and i dont wanna say more
hikari-ni-naritai · 2 months
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Thoughts on fakes being more real than the real thing?
okay i finally am on my lunch break and have time to talk about this. sorry i did not mean to have audrey make you send me this ask but i do appreciate you doing so!
anyway just so that everyone reading is clear on this, the concept im discussing here is specifically a fake that is indistinguishable from the real thing. this isnt really a concept that can be applied to a physical thing, like if i made a fake rock that was chemically identical to a real rock, ive created a real rock. its more about intangible concepts.
when i was first introduced to this philosophical discussion, i was deeply, deeply religious, and i (perhaps unexpectedly) fell firmly into the 'the fake is worth more than the real' to explain the concept of original sin and christianity's belief that humans are inherently evil. the idea is that, if you have one person who is naturally good, and another person who is naturally evil but through concentrated effort becomes indistinguishable from a Good Person, the bad person is better because of their choice to be good despite their nature, whereas the good person simply does it without effort. i was always a very philosophical bitch, much to the chagrin of religious people in authority over me. needless to say i am no longer religious.
now, in my wisened age. i have taken a more reasonable stance. i do not believe there is any meaningful difference between a fake thing and a real thing. and theres a lot of things i apply this to! perhaps due to religious trauma, i still see myself as a fundamentally bad person. its hard to think of myself as good when im privy to my own thoughts, where im cruel and judgmental and lacking empathy. im sure others have similar thoughts, but i cant know anyone else's thoughts, so that doesnt do me any good. but if i treat people well and keep my darker side to myself, i am indiscernible from a good person. similarly, thanks to my upbringing im not really capable of accepting that things like positive reinforcement could actually work, or that there's a political system better than handing me personally unlimited power to kill politicians and rich people until better people are put in power, or the current ones stop doing evil shit out of terror. but regardless of how i feel about it, regardless of my severe misanthropy, i fake believing in positive reinforcement and less tyrannical forms of government. i support the things i know are good for people, even if i dont personally believe they are. and my outward support is the only thing that is really relevant, because most people arent reading my blog. the fact that its completely fake doesnt mean its worse.
and yknow, believing in this sort of thing is also good in that it kind of makes you immune to impostor syndrome. like oh, youre not a REAL artist because REAL artists like, idk, go to art school or whatever? well thats fine because being a fake artist is not really any different from being a real one! i bet even if you DONT believe this, and you're one of those people who believes theres some intrinsic value in the "real", you could pretty easily get away with faking it! and by faking a belief that theres no difference between the fake and the real, you can eventually come to believe it for real! or not. but it'll sure look like it!
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ruthlesslistener · 5 months
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Different anon here (putting that just in case so you dont get mad or whatever), you did hit first. Claiming others are "icky" or "dangerous" is a lot more serious than you think, especially with lots of followers like you. And if you wouldn't mind me saying this, but it doesn't look like a sincere apology to me when you add the last bit that says "Well. We hurt each other so there". Can't you apologise without making things about yourself? The reply isn't meant for me, but I kinda notice you have this tendency where you make things about yourself in the end in a lot of your old replies concerning this issue you made for yourself. Which I think also helped fuel the flames to the old problems you faced. Idk, maybe its cause I'm so sick of seeing popular fanfic writers/artist control fandoms whether unintentionally or not. They also apologise like you, making the other party look bad by making it all about themselves.
(First off if this comes off as angry I apologize, I'm not angry I'm tired and confused)
I mean. Yeah I did say that it was gross, but I'm pretty sure I've already said that the error that caused the problem was that I had a completely different perception of what I was talking about than what was actually being said (a genuine error on my part), and also that I didn't realize my words had the connotations that they did, which was another misstep that lead to hurt feelings. Both of those were genuine mistakes caused by me a.) Not knowing what the fuck I was talking about and b.) me forgetting the fact that people don't have the same ideas about fiction that I do. Not really sure what else to do other than repeat that it was a mistake over and over, since the only other option would be to delete what I said but that would be dishonest and wrong. I DID fuck up.
As for the apology, I am sincere that I didn't mean to cause harm, but I am also sincere when I said that the response hit a specific trigger and hurt me as well- because it did. It did hit that specific trigger zone and I see no reason why I shouldn't be clear about it, especially since I wanted to make it apparent that I wasn't just shitting on people and dragging their name through the mud because I have some social status I wanted to flaunt or w/ever. I assumed it would make anon feel better while also asserting the fact that their behavior wasn't exactly okay either because I DID repeatedly say that I wanted the topic to be dropped and it didn't. Even the ground, try to lay down rules to prevent future conflicts, that sort of thing. It was a two-part statement- one, the apology and admittance that I was wrong, and two, the showing of vulnerability on my part to prove that I view myself as on equal standing as them and that I am also flawed and inherent to biases, while also pointing out how to not cause future conflict. I assumed that would be the most effective. I didn't even consider the fandom pov thing or power dynamics, bc this at its core was a misunderstanding between two people that had the misfortune of happening on a public platform.
I will agree that I do have an issue with talking about myself though, because to be frank, my own pov is kind of the only thing I know and so explaining my thought process as it goes is the familiar beaten path. When I say that I'm autistic and have been isolated my whole life apart from one friend (also isolated) and my immidiate family, that isn't a lie. I didn't start talking to more than the same 3 people for extended periods on a regular basis until I was 17. And those three people were my mom, my bff, and a close friend I picked up in high school when I was 15. And even then, those talking periods would be no longer than an hour at a time. This isn't a good thing by any means nor a method of excusing myself, just a means of explaining why I do it and that it's not because I think the world centers around me, just that I have to translate what I think to it for communication with other people to start making sense. Its def. something that I struggle with in even basic conversations, though I am working on that via interjecting various questions and comments about other people vs just proccing an infodump. It's most likely a low empathy issue that I still need to learn workarounds for, because I'm a very low-empathy autistic.
I CAN say that I grow more tempted to just delete and remake to start anew by the day, though, because the thought of being popular and having an influence/being on a pedestal puts me in a state dangerously close to a panic attack. The problem is that I cannot figure out a way to do that in a manner that would actually work, plus I cannot tolerate change.
But genuinely, the thought of power dynamics...it frightens me. My ideal would be a world where I can just push my thoughts and writing out and not be seen at all, except that I can't manage that because then I'd have nobody to discuss hyperfixations or special interests with. I don't WANT to have any sway over people. And its partially because of things like this- because I don't want to fuck up by tripping over an unseen landmine of a social error and then have my reaction be absorbed uncritically, or have that error be held under scrutiny. It makes me feel sick
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on takao's grandpa being the only responsible adult, it's like... ok i don't know how to describe it other than a certain quote from my favorite series of snapcube streams ever, "i feel like all of the weird, like, child abuse in this show is gonna be like, really recontextualized if i ever decide to do a rewatch" except it's just, specifically takao's grandpa and the surprising amount of times he's attacked his grandson. like it's one of those things where you're not supposed to think too hard about it but also he is definitely not responsible
come to think of it i think "most responsible adult" probably goes to max's dad, which makes sense considering he's not really involved in the plot (i mean takao's grandpa isn't either but, y'know)
also in regards to daitenji, i feel like above all else probably the worst thing he did was just.. recruiting a bunch of teenagers into fighting borg without telling them what was actually going on, particularly in regards to rei. like idk how to explain it but.. even if daitenji isn't malicious, taking this homeless kid in and then getting them involved in All Of That is kind of a shitty thing to do, y'know?
that's a fair point but like, a couple of times grandpa did break tyson's thick skull you know? like times when his head was unclear (couple of times in the first two seasons and few times in grev) and his inputs actually helped. i do respect him a lot because he single handedly raised tyson (the kid has barely got any family). sure, he can abusive at times but you know, not useless (unlike hiro who really thought he helped his bro).
in case of dickenson a similar thing happened in vforce; both kenny and him were aware of zeo's situation and it was his decision to not inform the bladebreakers about it. i dont know if thats a good or a bad thing because
either
tyson being emotionally unstable and moody implies that he could react in any way possible, but for the most part, realistically he'd be spending days trying to comprehend what happened and would basically be very confused and lost. this could either make him better or worse. ofc he'd definitely come down to a respectful decision like he did in the anime and encourage him but...he would be on a high time crisis (anndddd followed by more beloved grev circumstances of betrayal and trust).
or
the fact that it happened during the battle was abrupt as hell (vforce's writings..) and i kinda feel bad that tyson just didnt know and could barely think at that point- again idk if thats good or bad. i mean we're talking about vforce end where tyson was NOT doing mentally okay and all he had on his mind was zeo.
and yeah dickenson pulled another one of these in grev where no one had an idea about whatever the hell happened to bba and everyone was worried while this dude went missing. i dont blame him for the selling of it because apparently he had less control but yeah. you know...dont disappear into thin air. this makes me wanna bring up that asshole hiro again but im restraining myself.
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sparkledragon04 · 3 months
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prepare to be my rubber ducky while i write this essay cuz i need thoughts to come to my brain and i heard explaining it to people helps. so first read the tags on my last post (and i may never post this but whatever) so basically the book is called The Convenience Store Woman and its about keiko, who latches onto her job as a convenience store worker because its the olny plave where she was ever taught how to be a person instead of just having to trial and error it. I have to write an essay on this book, specifically whether it is possible for somebody like Keiko to find a place in society (i said yes ofcourse) but the trouble is now I have to write three pages about why i said yes and what this says about society or something idk.
the persona of convenince store worker is so much easier for her to adopt than tha of a normal person, so she wears it all the time until it becomes her real personality. the problem is that she has a little bit of a life outside of the store, and so she needs to pretend to be normal there. it doesnt work. people ask her about why she isnt getting married or why she doesnt try to get a better job, and she gets so worried about being different outside the store that she starts to see that she is different inside the sotre too. nobody else has adopted the worker persona as completely as she has, nobody actually looks foreward to going to work like she does. she starts to wory that itll come to a head, that she will be kicked out of the store.
she needs to fill the cracks in her mask, so she makes a deal with a guy that was recently fired from the store (because he was being a creep) she agrees to feed and house him if she can say they are dating, and he agrees because he is broke and kinda a wimp. the problem is that he wants her to make more money than she does at the store, so he convinces her to quit her job and get a better one. she goes completely to shambles without the convenience store to keep her motivated, bacause before then it was her self adopted purpose in life to work there and now she has no purpose.
any the book ends with her dumping him and running off into the sunset to get another convenience store job and live happily ever after. how do i write three pages about finding a place in society when I dont even understand socitey? (no i cant make the paper about that, it says specifically in the paper to not make it about myself.)
wow, it really works. now i just gotta edit for coherency and write like three more lines. thanks for listening, guys!
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communistkenobi · 2 years
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I think that one thing that makes the MCU different from past franchises like SW is how much it's relying on its conglomerate of Marvel source materials across various mediums. The MCU does not need to establish Peter Parker's Spider-Man or the values that went into creating the character and his canon (as in his comics/cartoons/shows as a whole, not in-universe character continuity) bc its target audience already has a rough concept of the character due to prior exposure to Spider-Man canon/media in pop culture—which means there's just enough of a foundation for the MCU Spider-Man to be widely recognizable as Spider-Man without portraying what makes Peter Parker Peter Parker (poor financial situation from childhood to adulthood, low self-esteem, learning up to stand up to his bullies and his boss, survivor's guilt, etc.) on-screen. But it's like the franchise is then relying primarily on the audience's concept of the character of Spider-Man from exposure to other (including both subjectively and objectively better) versions in other mediums to establish their iteration of the charracter and by extension those films. And that's how adaptations work, of course, but I think the MCU as a whole fails to capitalize on the benefits of adapting into another medium, so all that's left for the critical audience are elements like the military propaganda, the racism and whitewashing, the imperialism apologism, and so on that are consequences of franchising decisions rather than creative decisions.
Like yeah, franchises and fandom aren't new and are direct results of capitalism and mass-media consumption, but the MCU feels like its own special blend within the Marvel franchise (as a whole) in how much it relies on this idea of The Brand and being just recognizable enough that it doesn't (and won't) go further than surface level. It's insular to a degree that I don't know what I can compare it to. I think SW has started to shift toward this template(????) with the D+ shows (well really since Solo), but I don't know how to explain where this shift occurred or where it falls between MCU and traditional franchise media????? Even the DCEU differs enough despite still imo having the mass-produced/soulless/lacking in substance feel. It's like you said, we don't have any specific term that quite defines this yet, and not to be a snob but I really really REALLY hate that I added a yet there even though I know it's only a matter of time.
(Sorry for the rambling, I just really like your analyses, especially where capitalism and fascism intersect even tho I didn't really bring those points up bc I'm not sure what I could contribute in that area lol)
sorry for the late reply i know this was like two days ago now lol
anyway i think my framing of the mcu as uniquely bad is incorrect in the sense of what you said, which is that fandoms and mass media are not new. mcu is just a good shorthand to refer to mass media because its the most glaring and obnoxious example of it.
i also don't want to be ahistorical about it because the first marvel movies weren't like the recent ones, they felt more real in the sense that there was more to them than simple reference. @sashacore made a good point about not categorising art into low/high categories because you can quickly get into reactionary territory. which i don't want to do, obviously, but i'm coming up short on language that describes what im trying to articulate. and i dont think im being reactionary when i say the mcu is devoid of meaning
agh idk i guess i just have a motivated desire to call the mcu uniquely bad in a way. like when scorsese said that the mcu isn't art i want to agree with him. like it literally just feels like an infomercial for capital and empire. if you wanted to point to something as the logical endpoint to art produced with the sole goal of capital accumulation i would point to the mcu. but it's not unique in that sense. the difference is of degree, not kind
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l0st-identity · 7 months
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I wasn't sure if you were okay with rbs but I hear you on the post about feeling like an outlier because of how your DID works.
On Tumblr it seems like every system has a list of names and pronouns and roles for every alter and all their posts are signed off and it's considered problematic to refer to any system as a person with parts/alters or as a single person with variation in identity.
That is one of the reasons we don't mention being plural ANYWHERE even online. Because we function as one person, are happy functioning as one person, most of us prefer to go by the same name as our body, heck very few of us even have our own names at all because we don't feel like we need them, after all we can differentiate between and recognise each other just fine without names.
Idk. I feel like I can't be open about being a system because it isn't system-positive enough of me to feel more comfortable as One Single Person (who has/is made of alters). Like I'm being a system the wrong way.
I get you, I think ours is a lot more nuanced because some of us are a bit more "Out There" in WANTING to be individuals, but I think that more likely comes from the fact that we - I - just don't have an identity at all because of my DID (or at least that's how it always feels)
I - we - definitely forced names on ourselves because of this online expectation and assumption that that's what DID is
And I was mistakenly under the impression that switching meant "I" was no longer conscious, so I was treating my alters like complete strangers when...
In reality, we know ourselves better than we thought and we are not complete strangers. It's more like.. The things I feel and think and like/dislike are sorted into boxes, but I know what those boxes contain - at least once I started to become more aware. And there's still nuance because it's not REAAALLY like that because the whole point of DID is that these things are separated from each other and you cannot access them at certain times but like
At the beginning of trying to understand this stuff, I was acting as if my alters were LITERAL strangers that I had to get to know
Like I was trying to speak internally as if I was speaking to complete strangers, trying not to "offend" them, trying not to assume anything about them. Like I was literally communicating with them and treating them like actual strangers that I had to get to know. It's hard to explain...
Like I thought I was going to have to get to know complete strangers with completely different likes and dislikes and thoughts and opinions and sure that is partially true and I'm sure it's true for SOME alters (I DEFINITELY feel that I have alters who are extremely distinct and who would feel like complete strangers, they are just Severely dissociated away, I have yet to really meet them or speak to them in depth or anything), but for me it was more like realizing that my OWN likes, dislikes, opinions, etc. are just put into lil boxes
Like I like Noah Finnce I think he's cool af and I like his music a lot. He makes me want to play electric guitar. I love pikachu and the color yellow. These things Always remain true for me
However those feelings and such are more strongly felt by a specific alter named Sprite
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I just think it was interesting to me that I realized that my alters are more like things I already know that I feel and think and experience, just more specific to certain alters, as opposed to complete strangers that I have no idea anything about
I've had to look at my own behaviors and such and where they differ to even be able to recognize that I DO have alters after all. I just didn't recognize them as alters BECAUSE "but that's just my own feelings/opinions/likes/dislikes/behaviors!!???"
it's hard to explain if you dont know what I mean lol
I'm a lot better at recognizing WHEN I've switched and possible switching triggers and I've become a lot more confident with my DID and my alters as a result of generally raising my awareness and also just Not Caring Anymore about "IS THIS REALLY, TRULY AN ALTER?? HOW DO I DIFFERENTIATE THIS ALTER FROM THE REST???" etc.
Now I just don't care. With more awareness and understanding has also come more Confidence in myself. I no longer feel like I have to prove to others that I truly have DID, I no longer fear that others will think I'm faking or lying or incorrectly identifying my experiences. The fake-claimers can't get to me anymore, I am Too Powerful NFKJDSAFNKD
Not sure if any of this makes sense but I do be rambling
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gwenstcdiary · 11 months
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UPDATE
READ PINNED POST FIRST
okay, uhm. yeah no i did not hold onto my word. i planned on cutting off contact with him, but i didnt.
we still talked like once a week (even during holidays) and outside of school via the school provided chats and im concerned for every female presenting minor that he has been teaching.
our conversations would last for hours, i know its dream for some ppl in the tc, back then i wouldve dreamt about all of it, but i was 17-18 and now im turning 19 in a week. and its fucking weird, that he would talk to minors the way that i have witnessed first hand, and the way that he would talk with me.
he would ask the minor students about their "daddy issues" in a "funny way" or simply asking if they had daddy issues to begin with and what qualified. he also talked a lot about sex, which ive heard about from other students at my school which are a couple grades under me. apparently he had also shown them sex positions using a chair to demonstrate. im not sure as to how accurate those accusations are and if its even true.
our personal conversations were usually just talking about other teachers, the bands that we loved and sometimes even MORE personal.
more personal meaning my mental health, my existing daddy issues and me jokingly telling him "are you going to find a new grooming victim since youre not teaching me anymore?" he just laughed it off.
he made a spotify account just because i asked him to, so he could share his playlists with me. i had no other intentions at this point. after he created his playlists one of the descriptions were "slaps harder than daddys belt", in one of the conversations i have asked him to view my playlist description of a specific playlist. the description was "slaps harder than whose belt??? excuse me? Imao" and he answered with: "you already have the answer in my description" and said lateron in the conversation what was meant by it, of course i was only halfjoking, he said smth along the lines of "either i meant abuse or smth sexual. thats for you to decide", im not sure. i refuse to check because it was months ago. maybe i shouldn't have asked him. i dont know.
apparently he also shows, who his favorite students are, which in this case i was. i believe i still am. (which honestly cant be mad about it im pretty damn amazing). he is rude towards the students he tolerates and his favs get "special treatment" i guess, also better grades.
so que to yesterday morning at 6am. at the time i wasnt asleep, why would i? it was a schoolday. but i couldnt sleep the entire night for some reason. so i stayed up. i didnt look at my phone for a while because i was making breakfast and cleaning everything up. i had to get out of the house by
9:30am so i had a lot of time. it was about 7:30am i checked my phone and went on tiktok. for some reason a couple months ago i decided to open my directmessage requests. i thought nothing of it. thought some spam accs were messaging me, but i was wrong.
who messaged me?
he did.
i know, this is against the law, to contact your students outside of school. and i know, that i also have been messaging him on the school provided chat. but he messaged me on a social media site, where he had my username, so the school couldnt track it down. maybe he didnt have any bad intentions, but it still feels weird. maybe he messaged me there, because he isnt allowed to text students first. still doesnt excuse this behaviour.
into as to how he had my username: i had sent him a tiktok link prior of a band which we both liked
edit: the way he also looks at me is kind of... interesting. i just realized 3mins after i posted it. im not sure as to how i could describe it but the way he looks at me, comparing to my best friend is SO different. im not being delusional rn. trust me. but he just looks at her normally? neutrally? idk without any intention. but he looks at me like he has other intentions. he looks rlly intensely into my eyes. i seriously cant explain it but its obvious, not just to me but also my friends.
with all of this information, and the reasons as to why i have left the tcc (my pinned post) you would think that im done with him, right? no. eventhough nothing sexual ever has happened between us, except the one conversation abt the playlist, he did groom me. i have acknowledged that. a friend of mine also told me to stay away from him at all times. told me to not even look at his direction or even talk to him, engage in anything related to him.
but i cant.
this is wrong, all of it, but i seriously cant. i still have feelings for him. i cant stop thinking about him, i constantly dream about him. i seriously dont know what im supposed to do at this point. i dont know what to do. i thought, that if i wrote it all down and post it here i would be realizing it and stop engaging in conversations etc. with him.
but i cant.
this is wrong, all of it, but i seriously cant. i still have feelings for him. i cant stop thinking about him, i constantly dream about him. i seriously dont know what im supposed to do at this point. i dont know what to do. i thought, that if i wrote it all down and post it here i would be realizing it and stop engaging in conversations etc. with him.
so thanks for reading through my rant? idk what to call this. hes a horrible fucking person but i cant stay away. i want him even more than i did when i started the blog.
id appreciate advice on how to get through this, and i wont be contacting the police, school etc rn because i have really bad anxiety and depression and im doing too well rn and refuse to relapse.
thanks in advance and stay safe!🩷
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berryunho · 1 year
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Question unrelated to fics/ateez but since you’re in Korea I was wondering if you speak Korean? I’d love to visit in the future but honestly only have a very basic understanding of Korean and that makes me nervous to travel there so if you have any tips on like communicating I would love to hear them! (I hope this makes sense and isn’t weird to ask)
hi hi hi !! not a weird question at all lol !! sorry this got long af so im putting it under a cut LKJSFL;KSDJF
OKAY NOT TO SCARE YOU OBVIOUSLY BUT i would say that im like ... B1 level w korean hehe this is embarrassing af but i definitely thought that i was better than i am JLKFJSDLFKD getting here HUMBLED ME so fast ... like i normally watch kdramas w just korean subtitles and comprehend it well enough as long as the vocab isn't too obscure or specific and i can read ... alright ... like probably not a newspaper but the average like. fancafe announcement or whatever i can read ... BUT THE ISSUE COMES W LISTENING AND SPEAKING . without subtitles ... my ass is lost. like i feel like im only getting the gist of whats being said to me and not what's actually being said like . 75% of the time (and a lot of the time i have straight up no idea) . and when i DO fully understand what's being said it takes me a few seconds to process and by then the person talking assumes idk what's going on LJKSKDLF and i can speak ... pretty okay i think it just takes me a few seconds to put sentences together which obviously isnt natural speech at all and it makes having a convo pretty awkward/hard ... BUT LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN . this really only goes for like ... school related conversations ive had . basic interactions are SO easy tbh
SO LIKE THAT ALL BEING SAID . you really dont have to interact w korean people all that much if you're just traveling/visiting . like ... only when you're at a store or restaurant are you really speaking/listening and from what i've encountered in seoul most places/people are really nice and/or accommodating to foreigners !! like they'll be patient w you and try their best to explain something if you're not understanding (side note. i am NOT a partier [imagine that] so idk anything about clubs/bars lol but id assume its the same tbh) !! i was super super nervous about this at first bc like . obviously you dont want to look dumb . but ive encountered literally 0 rude people and its really not all that hard to communicate even if your korean isnt super amazing hehe hand gestures go a long way fr ! and if you can speak just a little bit it definitely goes a long way hehe
tips from someone thats lived here for 6 days:
1. at least know how to read hangul or you're really gonna be lost
2. at a store the cashier is gonna say like 5 or 6 things MAX to you in this exact order (1) hello [안녀하세요] (2) do you need a bag [포장이 필요하세요?] (3) how are you paying (and they wont ask if you have your card in your hand) [계산은 어떻게 하시겠습니다?] (4) do you have a membership (only at like big chains lol and half the time they dont ask if you're outwardly foreign) [멤버십은 있으세요? or like 포인트를 적립하세요?] (5) do you want a receipt [영수증이 필요하세요?] (6) thank you and goodbye [감사합니다 안녕히가세요] and like . 2/3rds of the time theyll just ask you in english if you want a bag or receipt . and if you have no clue what they're saying you can just say 아니요 to every question and it'll probably be fine JSKFJSLDFK
3. in a restaurant when the 이모님 looks expectantly at you hold up however many people are with you on your fingers and she'll hook you up and then feel free to just point at the menu to order or spice it up w the "[blank] [number of servings you want]개 주세요" and then they'll probably ask if you want a drink or tell you if the water & side dishes are self serve [반찬이고 물은 셀프입니다] ! if you have any dietary restrictions make sure you know how to ask if there's anything in the food lol like i dont eat pork so ill ask like [혹시 이갓에 돼지고기 들어가 있어요?] if im sus but most of the time itll say what meat you're getting when you order food lol but you can also say like [혹시 이것에 돼지고기 빼 줄 수 있을까요?] to ask them to take something out (LAKJSDFDLKSJ SORRY IDK HOW GOOD YOUR KOREAN IS SO JUST TO BREAK THAT DOWN YOU SAY LIKE "혹시 [food you're ordering]에 [thing you dont eat] 들어가 있어요?" if that makes sense KLAJLSDKFJF)
4. at a cafe or like fastfood restaurant the menu will typically be numbered and again you can just ask for the number ... and like one of my roommates is lactose intolerant so she asks if they have other milks sometimes just by going 무슨 우유가 있어요? and we dont know if thats the right way to ask but they know what we're trying to ask KJSFLKDJF
5. overall tip is to just ... not be nervous lol like yes i still vibrate when im interacting w someone in any context bc im so nervous theyll say something idk but ... its really not the end of the world if you dont get 100% of whats happening ! and like the milk thing like ... theyll get what you're trying to say most of the time ! and people are very nice ! and in seoul a lot of workers honestly speak basic english and/or will try their best to help you regardless of the language barrier
6. also the subway and buses all make announcements in korean and then in english so dw about that (also the kiosks where you can buy tmoney cards have an english option) (as do most kiosks here lol)
7. papago translator is a godsend
SO YEAH SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG WINDED IDK ALKSDJFKASDJFKL feel free to ask anything else lol i hope this was helpful and overall i highly recommend coming and i think you would definitely be fine even if you didnt speak any korean at all tbh :]
and also one more side note I am white which clearly impacts how people treat me here and I'm sure other foreigners might have different experiences but this has been mine !!
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piplupod · 2 years
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to add my take on the conversation, i think that privilege is systemic and inherent. and if its not both of those things i dont think i would consider it a form of privilege.
(preface: this isn't a rant directed at you, anon, this is just me trying to sort out my thoughts)
here's the definition i have bc i feel like its important for ppl to see what I am looking at and going off of fjsdfjkl
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also this one!
i think the last definition i put in is more what i'm referring to, especially with the "under certain conditions". those conditions here would be "you have rights only as long as you mask :))))". there is a privilege imo to have the ABILITY to mask. because that way you can blend in better in the neurotypical society/culture/world we live in, which does (from my understanding and experience) grant you far more opportunities as well as a certain level of immunity from harassment and abuse. if someone is unable to mask their autism, they will face more harassment, abuse, trauma, etc (as well as potentially being seen as someone who should be killed/locked up) than a person who CAN mask their autism and chooses to do so. there is a kind of privilege in having the ability to mask.
i understand how awful masking is, i have a very specific trauma around masking lol. i also understand that masking usually is learned through repeated abuse or harassment or otherwise negative experiences, and masking could potentially be considered a trauma response.
maybe the word "privilege" isn't exactly right? but i think that a person who is able to mask definitely has advantages over a person who is unable to mask. idk what word would fit though.
like i know that since i have the ability to mask when needed, i will have more opportunities in life than some people i know who are unable to mask, and that's because i can appear "normal" to the general public (or as close to "normal" as i can get lmao). people, as a general rule, do not like those who are different or who act in unexpected ways, and oftentimes those who are autistic will act in what seems like an unexpected way. and that's most often scary and off putting to neurotypical people, so they'll respond negatively and learn to not be around the unmasked autistic person, which then affects that person's life opportunities.
btw i'm not saying that i'm like "better" than ppl who can't mask, i'm just pulling from personal experience to try to understand this and explain what i'm thinking fdsjfkl. i also am not saying that any of this is good or anything, i'm just seeing this as what is happening (from my POV) and explaining it, but i absolutely do not agree with how NT ppl treat visibly ND ppl, and how autistic ppl have to mask to be able to obtain a higher quality of life through employment and being able to exist safely in public (without police getting involved is what i'm getting at here lol).
god that was a ramble sorry. i'm not trying to be argumentative or contrary or anything fhdsfjkl, i just feel like maybe ppl are not understanding where im coming from so if i provide my thoughts in full then ppl can better discuss their thoughts/opinions/POVs
anyways this honestly probably isn't super important so it's okay if it gets dropped bc idk how much good it does for me to be spending time and energy thinking about this anyways fjdsfjkl, i just get frustrated when i can't understand smth fully (which is my own issue i have to make peace with) so! those are my thoughts, it's cool to continue the convo and keep debating this w me bc i am very open to it, but also its okay if ppl would rather i just drop the subject and i will do so because i'm not sure if i can really come to any conclusion on this sdfjkl
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brightokyolights · 3 years
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some soft!bakugou brainrot for the soul:
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-he likes when you greet him in the morning. will absolutely roll his eyes and say sum “jesus, idiot, it’s too fuckin’ early for pathetic enthusiam like that” but will also simultaneously get pouty if u dont say hi to him first
-very much a quiet boy when it’s late at night. will just sit back with his eyes half-lidded and head in his hands, giving a little “mhm” to everything you say. you think he’s not listening but when you don’t finish a thought he will, without missing a beat go “the hell? really? gonna talk that much and then not even finish the story?”
-will cook meals that you like but will insist that he likes them too. bakugou is 100% trying to convince you that he made it for himself but the entire extra portion with your favorite toppings implies the opposite
-pays attention to what you’re doing in training, and will not outright tell you if you’re doing well,, but when ur alone he’ll just sorta “you looked less pathetic than last time, dumbass” with a slight smirk as he brushes past you
-likes to bicker,, i mean come on, obviously, but what i mean is that he just looks so weirdly happy when u yell at him (def goes heart eyes but literally do not say a word about it pls)
-goes very soft for hand massages,,, just like, ground ur thumb into the heel of his hand and rub at his knuckles. man’s will melt into wherever he’s sitting and close his eyes
-will absolutely bite your head off if you’re reckless, but then spend the rest of his time trying to think of ways to avoid u ever being in that much danger again
-remembers places you’ve been together very clearly. so like, if y’all wanna revisit some restaurant, bakugou is leading the way and ur just like “??? that was 6 months ago how do u know where you’re going” ,, n he just scoffs and “because i’m the best. now shut up and pay attention we’re about to cross the street”
-is very soft about u wearing his clothes but only when no one else is around to see it. idk contrary to popular belief i actually see him being very flustered by the sight of u in his clothes. so he won’t let u wear anything around others rlly, but when it’s just him??? poor bby is so soft for it. like, v much hiding his red face in your neck and just breathing u in type of soft
-has a specific blanket that he keeps for when u hang out. eventually it starts to smell like you, bc obviously, n he’ll cuddle up with it when you can’t be with him
-adores when you sing to him. 100% doesn’t matter if you’re good or not,, bakugou just likes that you don’t do it in front of anyone else
-likes when you get needlessly angry with him. idk how to explain it,, but just like, if he’s bitching at one of his friends and you back him up, purely bc u like the chaos, bakugou will be totally 🥰 over it. only after he’s done yelling tho
-mans has a thing for praise. he does. we been knew. but he rlly has an even bigger thing for mundane praise, like rlly small things like, “wow your handwriting is so neat” or “omg your room is so clean! you’re so organized!”,,, jus tiny stuff in passing that let’s him kno he’s doing good
-will absolutely not admit it but he 100% prays for lint on his uniform so you’ll brush it off for him. it’s like, a tiny little touch, just enough to sate him, but not so much that it feels like embarrassing pda
-is a sucker for someone he can just sit in silence with. like idk, if y’all noticed it, but he literally has like, nothing to say when he’s not bitching, so if he’s not angry he’ll just be quiet. if u can be quiet with him, in the same space but not talking, bakugou is a very happy boy about it
-he likes to know things about you no one else does,, so if u tell him anything in confidence, literally anything, he’ll keep it secret. 100% every time, no exceptions, will never spill a single detail even if someone is begging him to
-probably demands that u say u love him multiple times before y’all go to sleep. its the only affection he outright asks for so u give in every time
-shares whatever he has with u. just wordlessly will hand u a piece of whatever he’s eating. doesn’t warn u if it’s spicy tho,, bc he’s still a little shit
-sort of just follows you wherever you’re going. like, if u tell him u want to be alone he’ll leave, but otherwise he just kinda assumes he’s meant to follow. most times he’s right
-he is 100% the type to know something is wrong without u having to say it. he prob knows exactly what it is too. lmao like, sure, he’s still totally clueless on how to approach/support you but bakugou is the furthest thing from dumb. he knows,, he just does.
-gets super protective about your things. like, god forbid somebody try to write anything in ur notebook while you’re not paying attention,, bakugou’ll threaten them before their pen even touches the paper
-he likes to tend to your injuries. like, even the rlly minor ones. like, let’s say u get a papercut??? pls mans is grabbing your finger, running it under water, and wrapping a bandaid around it before u even register it. he’ll grumble the whole time like “jesus, dumbass, can’t believe i have to do this.” but rlly he enjoys doing it bc it makes him feel important. like maybe he’s someone heroic to u
-if no one else is around, and there’s a lot of trust established, he’ll prob do whatever u tell him to. now ofc there’s gonna be a lot of complaining, bc it’s bakugou, but he’ll do it
-is a big fan of when you tell him he’s your favorite. pls the man is so see-through ahaha,, u could be like “omg! bakugou! you took out the trash without me asking?? that’s why you’re my favorite!” n all he walks away hearing is “they think im the best. i fucking am the best.”
-he likes to watch you do mundane things. like rlly little, every-day things like brushing your hair or tying your shoes. idk he just thinks your methodical movements are weirdly calming
-is a sucker for forehead kisses. like obvi, only when y’all are alone, but like, press a kiss to his hairline?? suddenly it’s rip angry bakugou, soft bakugou hrs only
-doesn’t rlly initiate touch that much,, but when he does mans is extremely petulant about it. like, if u decide u have something more pressing than him, bakugou is almost immeadiately going “that’s fucking stupid. what you’re doing. you should stop.” n then he’s just poking and prodding and needling at u until u fall into his arms
-shadows you at social gatherings. very guard-dog like from an outsider perspective, but rlly it’s just bc when katsuki says he doesn’t like anyone else, he means it. he’s sticking by you bc you truly are the only one he tolerates
-he secretly rlly likes when u fuss over him. like, when u ask him if he’s sore from training or if he has any injuries. bakugou will brush u off like the absolute bitch that he is, but secretly he’ll be so warm about it. he just likes that u care enough to ask
-he tries very hard to be gentle for u. ofc it pretty much never works bc it’s him, but he’ll still forever be reading romance manga n going “yeah, i bet they’d like that. gonna it do it way better though. im the fucking best, i can do it.”
ahahaaha me?? a bunch of bakugou thoughts?? never, idk what ur on about
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genoc1d3r · 3 years
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my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b
ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.
I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES
Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.
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Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something. 
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GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.
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Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.
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Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”
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 Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.
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Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this: 
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But yeah thats cool
The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving. 
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This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.
But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.
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Predictions/hopes for the next part: 
I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.
A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se  they died so soon
More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo
More info regarding Meister
Sara going on Maury
Who tf is “Hinako”????
I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.
Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???
I want things to actually change  depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.
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twsty-lav · 4 years
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yuu is no daijobu :’)
looks at god. why has thou cursed me with these brainworms. is this becoming a Thing. 
also known as the WORLDBUILDING of language-barrier-au I guess. oof. here we go!!!
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english DOES exist in canon? like its clearly slapped on the dorm symbols + all names/unique mahou magics are romanized (reverse-romanized? idk). 
plus all the original disney movies are in english
SO THAT MEANS
English is basically the (super) dead language of this TWST au? like latin or ancient greek basically?? 
yeah sounds legit lets do that, also explains the loanwords! very cool. its like uhhhhh harry potter spells. 
(would lilia speak english? how old is he 😔)
crowley knows the most english but, like, in comparison to everyone else. (so he doesn’t speak english, rip yuu)
yuu is actually their last name, because they said how about we don’t butcher it today. also, it makes more sense to have an european first name if they’re an english speaker
first name pending bc im lazy.
How does Yuu survive classes? they dont lol
Grim is already in charge of all the magic classes but now he gets to do everything else too lmao rip. anything written??? goodbye
On the other hand yuu DOES manage to follow along in....  Mathematics and Alchemy! All very real-world subjects! They kind of do OK in Potions (+ Grim does not have opposable thumbs).
They really enjoy biology though because, like, new species? magic?? howmst. also still hates PE. nobody likes PE.
mostly because everyone in NRC is ABSURDLY fit???? Yuu CANNOT keep up. looks at jack. what the fuck
flying is cool though.........
If they take any electives, they’d probably do well in all of them. (except maybe poisonmaking? monkey see monkey do 😔)
anyways. yuu simply does Not See Humanities. Trein hates them, Ace wants 2 be them.
Yuu’s got a notebook with them at ALL TIMES. there’s a pictionary section and a word bank section. they’ve never been better at art
regularly asks Deuce for help with the word bank (ily deuce keep being awesome). Yuu can’t read, so they force other people to write for them. slap on the translation/pronunciation under it, and its good 2 go!!
the first word they asked Deuce to write was japanese for ‘cauldron’ :)
“ogama-san!” “stop calling me that”
‘beast taming’ abilities: i do Not Know Yet
yuu can’t give them orders like in canon, sooooo? maybe it’ll be like a support magic that pops up in combat situations? still thinking about it lol
possibility: Yuu doesn’t have internal magic BUT they can harness atmospheric magic (like secondhand smoke?? drain runoff?). But it needs to build up first, so they can’t use it whenever like everyone else. Only useable in situations like:
- Ghosts (are made of magic?)
- Overblot fights (Lots of magic, duh)
- just fights (after enough magic has been used)
- magishift (after enough magic has been used) 
either way their magic could be a support-style menu?? incorporate rhythm game mechanics somewhere? who knows i’m just blabbing
If Yuu doesn’t have magic, then it could be sort of a hand-signal arrangement? Yuu signals, Grim sits on their shoulder as a megaphone (that also shoots fire?).
a combo of BOTH????? cries
misc. My Yuu facts
Yuu is dirt poor lol,, they left all their allowance back home.... would have swindled kalim if he was a jerk 
Would kill a man if kalim or deuce asked them to. 
shorter than riddle, but will kill the first person who points it out. its Ace 
Crowley could only find uniforms that were two sizes too large. constantly shuffling up sleeves. 
Crowley also gave them a phone without voice recognition. Yuu says i crave the void
Ambiguously of asian descent until i figure out specifics lol. Probably an immigrant kid?
like Floyd, enjoys fun nicknames. by fun i mean puns and bad references. 
are they high, tired, or stressed?? nobody knows
still doesnt understand what magishift is. or what happened in chapter 2. 
worldbuilding hard... very sad
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sepialunaris · 3 years
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Theorizing Amelia and One's backstory based on implicit storytelling
Hmmm infinity train possibly not getting a continuation got me thinking more about Amelia and One-One's implicit story throughout the books. Since the train in Book 4 still works on One's "in a literal sense [the passengers] are numbers to him" and "if they dont sort their problems they'll die here" ideal and not post-Tulip "every passenger's wellbeing and progress is important," the state of the train prior to Ryan and Min is a big mystery, and what specifically happens after to Amelia and One One is another mystery.
I saw @suppuration 's post (which unfortunately can't link since, mobile) about how Book 1 of Infinity Train is about One One experiencing and learning to act as a denizen for Tulip, and while he was mindwiped it must have a big impact to how he does his role as the conductor now and before, when he was just one entity.
Long analysis ahead
One = Simon
Book 4 One reminds me of... Simon. Simon "but you are not a person" Laurent. One is colder and more aloof towards passengers, and seeing them as just "numbers," which is similar to Simon's views at nulls and lack of respect of agency. While he got amnesia and his experience with Tulip made One-One realize his inactiveness has also hindered the purpose of the train as well as a sense of guilt on things that were not his fault (Amelia's cars in the train), he does strive to change, but Amelia still remembers and internalizes what she knows One was in the past, hence she still refers to his old name and had to read his instruction card to remind herself of his new ideals.
Moreover, Book 4 shows Stewards being in charge in train maintenance in the past. Reddit AMA said that in the present the Stewards are almost all destroyed in the coup besides the one Amelia outfitted with weaponry and One One used as transport in Book 2. Book 3 saw One One using humans like Amelia for maintenance, which shows that he is more willing to give agency to the passengers rather than lock them up in place while the Stewards do their jobs. So unlike Simon, there is growth.
Amelia = Hazel, but not really
One conforming to rigid power structure and not really considering anyone's agency like Simon and Pre-Hazel Grace makes Amelia seem like Hazel in this metaphor, which is appropriate that she is her 'clone' or imaginary child. And like Amelia entered One's and life resulting in his mysterious split, Hazel entered Simon and Grace's lives to split them (even if One One dont go separate ways like them, and stayed together) after she experience a personal loss that they caused or 'denied to unreverse' (in Amelia's case). Hazel made them both the chance to question, rethink, and restart their ideals but Simon didn't take it, while Amelia at first tried to give constructive feedback to One before executing the coup and also fell into One's problem of not recognizing others' agencies by 1) throwing away One One and possibly removing his memory 2) forcibly taking away the support system for the passengers to navigate their problems like Ryan and Min-Gi thinking its giving them agency to "individuate" and be on their own, when in the case of Ryan and Min it just reiterated their trauma.
Also her contradictory way of thinking is why in the end Amelia's belief of the other passenger's agency ends up being fallible and destroyed as she becomes more violating and just altogether doesn't want passengers to leave their cars. And I'm highkey convinced that the reason the Ghoms exist (but not in Book 4) is that she created them to prevent people from moving around freely, as there is no therapeutic reason for them to exist (that said the hand monster exists, but it is only in 1 car while Ghoms are numerous and everywhere in the wasteland, so this monster may explain One's aloofness to their wellbeing even further). She does have Ghom orb and used it in Atticus, so its really reasonable to think so. Plus it would be a logical thing that would add up to her numbers a lot and make Samantha the Cat dread her, yet still not make her numbers reach the top like Simon after directly trying to murder his friend.
Amelia's Loss
Though we're not sure because of how little screentime we have of them in Book 4, I do think Ryan and Min-Gi's attempt of staying together is a big foil too for Amelia's experience of abandonment, loss, yearning for the past, and loneliness. Therefore the Steward's first appearance was to reonnect the boys to their past by giving back their stuff, despite Amelia saying that she did that to "individuate" them (this may be directed for all the passengers but in this book's context it is about Min and Ryan's commitment to each other), and the second appearance Amelia specifically says "[they] are on their own." By the lens of Ryan and Min, Amelia is portrayed as a force that desires to separate them, not in a malicious nor personal manner, but maybe a projection of her own trauma of codependency with Alrick and not wanting the same to befall to Ryan and Min (it may also be jealousy but she hasn't shown any displeasure of that sort so it seems more like bad faith analysis) and the pther passengers. And in the end she releases everyone in the train from their 'dependency' by decomissioning the Stewards. Her actions, especially the former does have understandable motives and she isn't intending to harm anyone, but it happens anyway because in the end she disrespects their agency and pulled the whole train from under the rug.
Amelia = Lake & others
And the story of agency is central in Book 2, and how Lake fights for their recognition as a person and getting off from the train, to the point they have to confront One-One about it. It was the first time One One's imperfection is shown and how even now his standards for denizens has gotten better but not the best. Though he does end up respecting their agency and puts thought to it too. And a minor detail is that he mentions Atticus too in Book 2, meaning that he remembers him personally due to his experience as a denizen instead of just an instrument like in Book 4 (eg: Denizens like Kez being frozen kept of the blue during Steward visits), and he appreciates Alan Dracula too. So he did grow, even if its not perfect and his cold tendency and lesser view on denizens is still there. Yet One and Amelia's ideals of hierarchal superiority and the concept that denizens are worth nothing bleeds down to the Apex, who follows Amelia's footsteps after she has decided to refuse her former ideal to "individuate" passengers (as she has already used her outfit when finding Grace and if we think Amelia made the Ghoms then yeah it tracks), as well as Grace and Simon's own coping mechanisms of dealing with traumatic abandonment and loneliness being parallels to Amelia, through manipulating others and intruding on people's agencies respectively.
However, what I find interesting is that, like Lake, Amelia also got to the engine room and got to ask for favors from him. While the context is not clear as well as her lack of companions, if we parallel it to Lake's story and also considering Amelia's fallible interest to humanize the passengers to One, something similar might've happened.
Her story parallels with Ryan too, that wants to subvert expectations within his life even recklessly so at times that ends up hurting people (just like how she took over the train and hurt One and the other passengers), yet he deals with life better even after abandonment by Min. She also parallels heavily with Morgan, who was dependent on Jeremy and tried to isolate herself from her friend, Kez. And the big thing that Amelia lacks in this scenario, unlike Lake and Ryan, is that as said before, the distinct lack of companions she has. No one like Jesse or Min-Gi to ground and provide her company besides her desire for Alrick to come back, and doesn't show interest in forging new relationships and instead focused on her own stuff, just like Morgan grieved when Jeremy was gone. Amelia was both isolated and isolated herself further when she couped the train, and in the end like Morgan she turns from a caring person to someone that revokes agency. Though Morgan, in the end does decide to grieve herself and opens a window for her to reconnect with Kez, unlike Amelia who lost that opportunity and fell further to the dark due to cruel circumstance and her own actions.
And as for the reason why One One was split is mysterious and currently unexplained, Idk if this is an appropriate idea to connect to, but I feel like there's a possibility that he could've split himself or gave himself amnesia, as a way for him to deal with self isolation and or trauma from betrayal. Maybe he was even inspired by seeing Ryan and Min's commitment to each other? But again it is farfetched to judge as something tracks as of now.
Soo... tl;dr what i think happened.
During this era One only interacts with the passengers by maintaining the trains through the Stewards, without consideration of their well being or agency, hence the hand monster/Docent exists
Amelia enters the train and fights her way into the engine room to meet One, possibly asking her stuff back too
One decides to receive input from Amelia, who intends to humanize the passengers to him by giving them back their stuff, while akso taking interest to cultivate independence on the other passengers to avoid codependency like her
Amelia falls back to her dependency and asks One to bring Alrick back, he refuses, and she hijacks the train
As a way to give them freedom, Amelia releases all the passengers the rules the train binds them to and destroys all the Stewards that acted as maintenance before
One is sent to the snow car for 33 years. He is either split or mindwiped by Amelia or he performs this action himself
Amelia's idealism wavers over time and she gets obsessed in find orbs to create Alrick. Becomes more militaristic and creates her Conductor persona, outfitted the last Steward with guns, and created the Ghoms with her cannon
In order to make sure no passengers try any funny stuff and let her focus on her quest, she uses the Ghoms to make sure they are within order, and prefers passengers to no longer leave their cars. She ultimately has no control over that though therefore she can only minimize the problem
Book 1 happens, Amelia is ousted and decides to work under One One as a human steward and to fix her mistakes to repent
Feel free to add on or critique things because I might've missed/misintrepreted a lot
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Under a cut for length
So last night was rough. I heard back from the place I interviewed on Monday and they said they're "going with another candidate." That sent me spiraling because my school policy says that if we interview three times in a semester and aren't offered any of them, we're dismissed from the program. Which is fucking bullshit. And I was feeling really really scared, because that's 1/3 strikes. It wasn't even a placement I was sure I wanted or could do, but that didn't matter when I was spiraling.
A tried very very hard to get me to calm down. Except she didn't do it in a way that was helpful to me in the moment and I wasn't communicating what I actually needed. She was trying to problem solve and tell me things would be fine and I just wanted validation that it makes sense to be scared and upset.
Eventually I calmed down, but then. I was angry with A. I told her that I had felt invalidated and we uh. Talked? I said a few unfair things but better than usual. At one point something I said triggered her so we dealt with that.
But the important part is that we talked about anger. It started because she said something about the way I had expressed anger and I asked her "What is allowed? I've been told don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, but I don't know what I can do." And we talked some more and it's like something clicked for A and she understood that I wasn't being snarky or anything, I was legitimately asking because I don't know. I have never seen s ok meone express anger in a healthy way (A just doesn't show me when she's angry). And after talking about that, we kind of pieced together that the reason I haven't been able to put much anger advice into action is because I dont have a foundation to build it on. I told her to explain it like I'm a toddler.
Apparently when I was told to communicate about what I'm angry about, I'm not supposed to do it in the heat of the moment when I can't control what I say 🙃 But no one explained that, so I was trying my very best to communicate and ending up just saying hurtful things. So A and I set a soft rule that I calm myself down and then we talk later. The next problem is how do I calm myself down? Because the things I've tried before haven't worked. But now I'm wondering if I've been missing a piece there too.
Because it's been like trying to put together a puzzle without knowing what the image is. I haven't had an idea of what healthy anger looks like. Because apparently A hasn't been shoving anger with me down—she just expresses it when I'm not around, because she told me that expressing anger at people when you're with them (in certain ways but not all of them always? Idk the specifics yet) sends a message that you want them to feel and see your anger or want them to be scared. I dont know if that's fully always true because she has trauma too? But it still made things make more sense. I haven't been meaning to scare A, I was just trying to communicate like I was told to do 😭 I was trying to express my anger, but I didn't think about it from her perspective (and I feel like a jackass for that).
In completely unrelated news (/s), I scheduled a second therapy appointment for tomorrow. Because now that I know A didnt understand how little I actually know about/understand handling and expressing anger, I'm doubting that C knows the extent of it either. And I want her help to understand this. Stg people just need to explain anger like I'm a toddler.
I'm actually feeling hopeful that I can change now. I've been trying to change these behaviors for years and have only had minimal improvement. I was losing hope that I could change. But now I can see that spark again.
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Text
no one helps but you ~ klaus hargreeves;the umbrella academy
word count: 1288
request?: yes!
“Hi I love your writing so much! I've had this idea in my mind for a request and its with Klaus from Umbrella academy. It's basically the reader gets a panic attack or anxiety attack and klaus is the only one that can calm her down. Idk maybe like ben or Diego try to help calm her down while waiting for klaus but it doesnt help. Klaus gets there and she starts calming down. Just something really cute and fluffy and cute kisses and that. You dont have to I just think it would be cute. Thank you 🖤”
description: the only person who can calm you down during panic attacks was always your boyfriend, so when he’s not around, things get hard
pairing: klaus hargreeves x female!reader
warnings: swearing, anxiety, panic attack
masterlist
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Everything was fine. I was spending the day at Klaus’ and I had left his room for the first time when he went out to grab us some fast food. I was grabbing a glass to get a drink when my heart suddenly began to race.
No. No, not now. Not here.
But it was too late. My breathing was starting to become more shallow and I could feel my body beginning to shake. The glass slipped from my hands and smashed on the floor. The sound caused me to cover my ears and exclaim in fear.
Diego ran into the kitchen first, knife raised and ready. He looked around before his eyes landed on me. “(Y/N), are you alright? What happened?”
I couldn’t respond. It felt like I had no control over my body. I was trapped in my own head, unable to do anything besides stand there.
Realizing what was going on, Diego shoved his knife into his belt and approached me slowly. “(Y/N), I’m going to touch you, but it’s just so I can sit you down at the table. Is that okay?”
I managed to nod. Diego gently took hold of my shoulders and sat me on a chair. As he did, Ben entered the kitchen next, the same alarmed look on his face. “What’s going on?”
“Can you clean that glass up?” Diego asked him.
Ben noticed the distant look on my face and also realized what was going on. As he began to clean my mess, Diego tried to talk me down from my anxiety attack, but it was no use. There was only one person who was ever able to talk me down in moments like this, and he was out.
As if on cue, the sound of their front door opening and closing alerted us that someone had arrived. A familiar voice calling out my name caused my body to slightly relaxed as I looked up in the direction where his voice was coming from. Noticing my less tense reaction, Diego called for Klaus to come to the kitchen right away.
He appeared in the doorway and his eyes immediately landed on me, looking at me with concern. “Baby, are you okay?”
“I’m not sure what happened,” Diego explained. “Ben and I have been trying to calm her down, but it’s no use.”
Klaus crossed the kitchen and knelt down so he was eye level with me. He took hold of my hand and I felt my entire body relax. It felt as though something had been lifted off of my chest and I could finally breathe again.
Klaus looked up at his brothers. “Would you guys mind just giving us a moment alone?”
Diego and Ben nodded and left the kitchen without another word. Klaus sat on a chair next to me and continued to rub soothing circles with his thumb on my hand. I slowly felt myself coming back to normal. I had stopped shaking and my heart was starting to slow to a normal speed.
It took a few minutes, but finally I felt as though I had control over my body again. I looked up at Klaus and knew he could see in my face that I was okay again.
“Let’s get you in bed for a while,” he said, his voice soft. “You can take a short nap. I’ll heat up your food when you’re awake and feeling better, we’ll eat then.”
I nodded and allowed Klaus to help me up and guide me to his room. He laid me down on his bed and covered me up. The moment my head touched the pillow, I was out like a light.
~~~~~~
I woke up about an hour later. I felt better than I had when I fell asleep. Any feelings I had after my anxiety attack felt like a distant memory.
I rubbed my eyes and sat up. My movements caught the attention of Klaus, who was sitting on the floor reading a comic book. He looked up at me and smiled. “Hey you. How are you feeling?”
“Better,” I responded as I stretched my arms out. “A little embarrassed.”
Klaus raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Why are you embarrassed?”
I sighed and rested my head in my hands. “I can’t believe that happened in front of Diego and Ben. God, they probably think I’m insane or something.”
Klaus stood and sat next to me. “No, baby. You don’t have to worry about that. There’s nothing wrong with what happened, they just didn’t know what to do to help you. They were just worried is all.”
I rested my head on Klaus’ shoulder. “I just...I know it’s not easy to deal with me when I’m like that. I’ve had...so many people come and go from my life because they weren’t sure how to deal with me when I had anxiety attacks. You make me feel so comfortable, just hearing you when you came home helped to calm me down, and I don’t want anyone in your family getting frustrated with me when they try to help because it looks so easy when it’s you, only for me not to come out of that state for a long time. Does that make sense?”
Klaus wrapped an arm around me and held me to him. “It makes sense, but it’s not a concern you need to have. Diego and Ben weren’t frustrated, they were just worried something bad had happened that caused you to have an anxiety attack. They’re just happy you’re okay, and so am I. I was worried when Diego called for me and I saw you sitting there looking dazed.”
I sighed. “I don’t know what happened. I was getting a drink and suddenly I just felt anxious for no reason.”
Klaus held me in silence for a while. He kissed the top of my head, also a very comforting gesture, as I thought over my earlier anxiety attack.
It was hard to maintain any sort of relationships when there was always a chance I could fall into another anxiety attack for no reason at all. I had boyfriend who broke up with me because they thought my anxiety attacks were for attention, friends who dropped me because I didn’t feel up for going out to parties or to super crowded places like they did, and even family that claimed my anxiety “didn’t exist” and that I was making it all up.
I was lucky to have Klaus. He understood what I went through, and he was really my rock when I had bad anxiety attacks. And with Klaus came his family, more specifically his six siblings, who quickly became like my own family. I didn’t feel as alone when I had them, but it also scared me to no end thinking I could lose that little family I had in seconds if they thought my anxiety was too much to deal with, like everyone else in my past had.
As if sensing my thoughts, Klaus gave me a squeeze. “My family love you. We’ve been through some shit together, they all know what it’s like to struggle. No one is going to judge you for what you go through. And if they do, I’ll beat them up.”
I giggled. “You’re no match against Luther.”
“You don’t think so? Look at these guns.”
I laughed as Klaus flexed his muscles, which were nothing compared to Luther’s body. I cuddled into him again as we both laid back on the bed.
“Thank you for always being there for me,” I told him.
He kissed my head again and held me tightly. “I’ll always be here for you, (Y/N). I promise.”
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