#idk how ive let myself get here

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[dullahandyke]

i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard

#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point #and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it! #because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared #but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure #ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit #n this deep plays into that #idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot #so i probs need to do that again #yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008 #but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like #which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit #and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it #but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it #like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head #its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever #idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me #so now im here like Uh Oh #and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff) #but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes #i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers #and im being disproven #i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63% #and i like college! i just dont like. college. #anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime

[casualavocados]

okay at first i was like, why is ayan threatening to tell people akk's the one bringing the curse back when he already said he wouldnt. ayan also claimed he didnt believe akk anymore about not stealing the notebook bc of what he’s "now" seen akk do - but he’s known akk was behind things since the beginning. and actually the only motive i can come up with is that he was worried about what akk would do if he was left alone that night, because akk kept trying to get away from him, and not letting ayan help him. so ayan threatened to tell people that akk was bringing the curse back if he didnt stop.

and i realized that... something huge about ayan's past is that he witnessed his uncle’s suicide. and IF im interpreting this episode correctly, you have to consider that aspect of trauma alongside the way he acts towards akk, & the reactions he gets from akk.

akk pushes ayan away when ayan says he needs to think of himself first. akk leans into ayan’s hug at first but then pushes him away again and tries to leave. so ayan follows and does what he’s done in the past. he threatens. he gets a rise out of akk, a confrontation akk can't back out of rather than an attempt to escape. and maybe ayan only does that because he’s scared. maybe he’s scared of leaving akk alone, not knowing what akk will do - whether it be continue the curse or something worse. he needs to make sure akk will stop.

so throughout the rest of the episode, as ayan drags akk back to the school to search for his notebook, it’s possible that what he’s really doing is just keeping akk busy. and it works because they settle back into the same teasing/exasperated relationship they had before. it smooths things between them. but the balance doesn’t truly tip into where it needs to be until ayan has his nightmare, and akk hurries to comfort him. after their conversation on the beach, things couldn't go back to the way they were before, but couldnt move forward either. akk isn’t the only one who needed to show weakness in this ep, ayan needed to as well. especially since while they were searching for the notebook he avoided akk’s question abt why it was important again. they both needed to lean on each other this ep. they both need to learn to trust each other. so i can’t wait to see what comes next, and how ayan eventually opens up about the truth of his relationship with dika and what happened to him.

#the eclipse #suicide mention #suicide tw #ive been thinking abt this all day trying to figure out why those scenes felt off and why this ep was written that way #and then i was like oh wait its the trauma. #i mean i HOPE thats what it is otherwise the writing doesnt add up #so hm. im thinking. #everything that follows the beach scene makes more sense if you work it under the idea #that ayan is scared of letting akk go without some kind of promise or resolution that he's not going to do this again #*because people could get hurt* #*because dika DID get hurt* #and he uses the only tactic he has that has so far worked against akk's need for control over a situation #me watching the dialogue in front of the bushes over and over and over trying to analyze everything abt it #their expressions akk's tension ayan's tone of voice #its gotta mean something more than what their words are saying and i think THIS is what its saying #but i could just be making shit up to compensate idk! #im trying so hard here bc they nailed the first and last emotional scenes but how they got from one to the other left me so stumped #and idk if THIS is what the writers meant to do or if its what im imagining to make myself feel better #the eclipse the series

[aamezish]

.

#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay #but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her #and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support #and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future #and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!! #ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak #ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know #logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead #but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates #i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone #its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us #and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off #and that's also a way of keeping myself humble #and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving #but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain #ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors #sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf #and goes to private places with some other guy #who's in everything for casual #but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now #playing around my head #or maybe i should just trust the process

[orcelito]

Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,

I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.

#speculation nation #this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off. #to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one #but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time. #my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here. #the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years #my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most. #im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession. #it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous. #but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole. #maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth. #that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing. #idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death #to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole? #i dont fucking think so! #yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight #even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death #whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life. #it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!! #and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this #bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about. #but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger... #and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol #anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes. #but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen... #negative/ #i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.

[todayisafridaynight]

uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️

#arasawa #snap chats #DO WE GET WHAT I MEAN. #im not arguin semantics rn just listen to me im gripping you by the shoulders reader #it can go either way A.) arakawa gradually seeing jo as a part of his persoanl family opposed to The General Family #B.) you know how in fanfics theres that 'Oh. /Oh./' trope Yeah. i want big man to realize he's a lil doki doki for one of his guys #why the fuck i frame it like these arent in the same vein I CANNOT THINKKKKKK STRAAAIGHT #BUT NOOOO LISTEEENNNN i know bro would be SOOO conflicted. dare i say... he'd be in trouble SEE DO WE SEE WHAT IMEA #ok you can stop looking at me. im delirious. insane. delulu. its cause i cant draw rn its hard and my head hurts #ive been struggling with this idea for. WEEKS. i CANNOT find a way to make a comic out of it and its making me loco and mad #so im just throwing it out into the ether as Free Real Estate if anyone else wants a crack at it. or yk just so i can share it #LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I KNOW THERE IS I AM BRUSHING IT WITH MY FINGERTIPS BUT I CANNOT GRAB IT #you know it fuckin bad when i actually make a text post about it thats how you know Im At My Limit #driving me insane....... i just need everyone to know im rotating them like SSBB trophies.... #anyway. yeah youre right i still havent drawn shit #UUUGGGHHHHH should... or shold i sleep.... #let me try to force myself to sketch something and then ill run to my car and sleep there or somethin #idk. anyway bye i love the old people

[luffysbasement]

hello, i'm finally distancing myself from mcyt :]

it's been really fun!! i loved drawing for everyone, for my interest and esp just interacting with you all. this fandom brought me my friends and different experiences and emotions that are rly unforgettable but i think it's time. thank you for everything, i appreciate you all! ♡♡ pls do stay safe and take care of yourselves!

(my art will remain here ofc but i will most likely be turning this blog into how it was before, multifandom, personal and just a bunch of whatever!)

#the shorter version is the post #ill be here in the tags to talk more :] #honestly im pretty grey on the situation and im just rly waiting for whats gonna happen #thats not why im leaving (mostly) i think its abt time to accept im getting tired of how the experience is of being a drm stan #i loved the man i rly do hes been with me for the entire pandemic him and his videos helped me get through it #but its kind of a bummer that just by being a fan u get exposed to antis and their nonstop scheme of just starting up shit #and that everytime something new comes up you keep hoping its just an accusation but at the same time u feel terrible and anxious anyway #ive alrdy distanced myself from twt and by extension even tumblr bc i thought if i just keep drawing and not looking at my socials those #dramas wont reach me (they still do and it sucks lol but i did get a peace of mind just being free of social media) #at some point i started losing interest in mcyt in general the only thing keeping me was drm not even mccs nor other ccs rly just drm #but then recent thing happened and yeah :/ idk what to think im lost and honestly just tired of stuff like this #thats the final straw i think i dont rly want my mental health tearing up over whether to worry abt things i alrdy stress over abt (w the #college and family stuff) and freaking minecraft youtubers fandom #i think whatever the outcome is im just over it if drm comes out innocent i dont think i can let go of him yet #so ill prob still be checking up on hm and watching him by myself #if not then thats that. #stilli cant deny the fact that it rly has been an amazing two almost three years #i hope you all stay safe and takecare of yourselves ♡ #if anyone still wants to see my art im just hanging out in my onepiece sideblog lol @/luffysbasement

[pepprs]

idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#delete later #im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty #and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related #replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has #opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg #i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy #purrs #also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old #characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped #landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only #ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing #all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so #sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j #just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was #important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i #feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those #friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters #when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me #in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol #* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad) #like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th #the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain #anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but #i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol #also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned #that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all #anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i have to drive to the big city tomorrow morning... which is... #itll b fine. ive done it multiple times before so itll b fine #but also everytime i have to drive somewhere im a sobbing mess bc its so scary #and i space out which is terrifying so i have to sing and talk to myself the whole time so my brain doesnt drift too far #and i dont kno how long i have to b there or if ill b able to find parking... #i just hate is so much. literally its not a far trip. if we have a fucking working train system there would b a train between our two #universities and it would b like 30min. such fucking bullshit. that would b incredible. i would actually b able to go places #fuck the lack of public train transportation. its stupid. #at least i was busy all day. its crazy how much less terrible my day is when im in a semi empty lab working with algae #hopefully i didnt kill the culture bc i had to transfer immediately after making media. i think it cooled enough but well see #fuck. i dont wanna drive. i should sleep so im not more insane tomorrow #its crazy how distorted i get abt driving. i will convince myself that my car is gonna like fall apart while im driving #and that im absolutely going to have an accident caused by me. so i get up like ok this is where it all ends #in a smear across the highway #oh god i have to get gas tomorrow too #thry recommended i get there at 9 but maybe ill get there 8.30 and just like sit in my car crying for half an hour #lol i turn up to the lab with tear stained cheeks like hey sorry if it seemed like i was resistant to coming down here. im very unwell ✌️ #bleh. lets not think abt it. dont think just do. and pray i dont have to fucking go multiple days #my reward for success is no spring break bc a stressful project will begin this weekend #but im not even sure i have spring break bc im a lab tech so i think mayne thats not a loss? idk i dont kno #when im supposed to b working or not. it doesnt matter. my tine sheets r a lie #time sheets :-P #unrelated

[jrueships]

Steph/lebron or lebron/kyrie? thoughts?

tbh i don't really have any on either ! im not a big follower on any of the players listed, not cus like they all suck and their ships suck or something, it's just ! the players happen to just not be my favs! i don't hate em, but i don't u know? love them enough to take real interest and learn more about them myself, and that's just a personal me thing! i feel like id know more about bron/kyrie and be more interactive with them if i came into the fandom earlier to watch its VERY interesting storyline unfold in all its dramatic king and shadow chaos, but i was busy shaving my hedgehog and i don't have enough of the fueled want to go back and check their details myself. BUT!!@ again that doesn't mean EITHER is bad, and since i don't have the experience to speak GOOD good on either, i don't have the experience to speak the BAD bad on either! Both the ships are like! There! And it's cool, do whatever! They're cool !

#it's like zach i dont fuck with him both pos and neg hes just kinda there for me and thats cool! #when it comes to me viewing ppl how i view zach i just kinda let em be! #i do know some surface level funny facts but im the kinda person who needs to dive in myself and rlly get to explore #the unexplored for me to be comfortable enough to put them into writing or smthin #and with them i just dont know/wasnt there to know #it's whatever! write what makes YOU happy!! #tbh im kinda surprised there isnt a lot of bron/kyrie talk here? maybe it's more of a wattpad ship? #or maybe theyre all hiding?? #yall dont hide!! just cus people dont post it on the daily DOESNT mean yall cant!!! #post whatever ure into!! love what YOUR heart has decided to love!! #ull find ur ppl! #so yea! i dont have any big thoughts to say! #ive seen stuff that give me a basic idea on the ships and it's very cute!!! i like seeing it! #but cus i personally havent spent time to know it fully it's also kinda quicker for me to notice some things that make me a little :/ #BUT thats just cus IM not seein it thru a place of LOVE so it's really not that deep? u know? #like u can make a point without being a hater i mean?? idk #just some things ive noticed were like.. theres some things sometimes where it's like. okay. it's getting weird #like smaller = automatically uwu baby omega bttm or fckin whatever lol taller being big controlling alpha dom #lightskin being babyfaced innocent ethereal angel virgin baby whatever. paired with the more aggressive oo big bad tough fckin whatever 🙄 #and it's not problems that sit in just THOSE ships only it's just that those ships/ppl are so BIG and prevalent #u kinda see surrounding issues more clearly. like. idk. if steph had a darker complex... would Everyone #really like. treat him the way they do rn. kinda thinkin. BUT ALSO U CAN THINK THAT ABT A L O T of things which SUCKS but true #it's just a more ?? prevalent pattern example??? idk.. u can also see it sometimes with the boston jays but again #it's an overall issue u shouldnt always apply to One thing cus it's Way bigger than that and should be treated as such!! #SO YEA tho do what u love! write em in a way that others will see ur love! and love them too! #write them ! the way they !! are!! because ppl will love that! feed em ALL the things!! DO UR LOVE JUSTICE #and ur love will find you THRU !!! #sorry i couldnt like! go crazy over em! i think their dyanmics are rlly cool and u should def ask more ppl who know more abt it! #theyre a good ship!! find the ppl that know it and see it as such!! #ted asks

[my-strange-attraction]

There’s something so lesbian about reading mlm fiction

#listen ive been trying to unpack my fixation on gay ships for as long as ive been questioning #im talking since like high school #its hard to untangle this one but here's what ive got: #something something needing to place myself into a queer gender #(gay man = queer gender idk how to explain that one but you guys get me ik you do) #in order to be able to conceptualize being with a man/ boy #something something comphet #even though im literally so knowledgeable about this stuff #i never let myself think about what being with a girl would be like #also #gay men have the tendency to. look like lesbians #if you look from the right angle #its just the truth bro #lesbian #questioning #wlw mlm solidarity #cloudy rambles

[snekdood]

Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online. #and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me. #i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility' #i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like. #i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me. #idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT. #which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to. #im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me. #they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign. #im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear. #because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

[shadyhouse]

i am not doing well rn

#this job isnt what i thought it was gonna be and i was up all night freaking out about my life choices #i think im gonna start applying to different jobs #its not that the job itself isnt what i thought. its that this place is shady as hell and i do not feel comfortable being a part of this #the owner does a lot of illegal shit that he can get away with bc its a 'private business' #like. i havent even met him yet. im meeting him today and all of my coworkers have terrified me #theyre like 'oh hes great once he gets to know you but hes gonna try to find a reason to fire you at first' #'he wants to make sure that you *really* want to work here' like what kind of shit is that??? #like literally the past three days my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF because ive been scared for this day to come #but also maybe theyre making it out to be worse than he really is??? but even my most responsible coworkers are afraid of him #idk what im getting myself into and i am just Scared. and im anxious about money too. bc i can only work 6 hour shifts at this place. #sure im paid weekly but its still a lot less than what i was getting paid before simply bc of the amount of hours they make me work #i just feel like i keep making mistakes :( and i cant get myself out of them no matter how hard i try #like im considering going back to my old job if theyll let me back in but at the same time why the FUCK would i do that!!! #that place was a mistake too but unfortunately also the highest paying job i will ever have :')

[dykedragons]

character arc of taking a month to complete 1 commission -> taking 3 days to complete 5 commissions

#NOT shaming anyone here for not being able to be an Art Machine. i had terrible burnout for like 2 years. this is a very new thing 4 me #look im sorry im just. im very proud of myself #and i still have the energy to like? draw? for fun? #but normally i drag my feet with art and dont have the motivation to complete things. but idk lately its just been easier to work #a mix of being able to work outside + not having much else to do other than play viddygame + wanting to make money #i want to rlly stay on da grind this summer and make as much as i can #nohing would stop me from still taking comms in college but Something Tells Me i wont have anywhere near the same energy #so i cant expect to make much at that point. wanna set myself up to have some walkin around money. #since thankfully im in the position to. taking advantage of it #ramblies #anyways now i haave a rendered fullbody and a custom so well see how quickly i can crank those out too!!! #thankfully bc of how much ive gotten done i dont feel overwhelmed!! i can just pick away at those 2 pieces now #after that...... man idk. i should finish the 2 refs i have goin. and lets be real ill probably make some more spyro art #maybe monster hunter art in time for the Rise expansion to come out. im trying to get those instagwam likearoonies #normally i wouldnt care but like. thats how im making money rn so yk

[skrunksthatwunk]

ranting for like an hour with my roommate about rascal's owner bc i do not understand her behavior (<- furious).

#like ur fine with letting us (basically strangers) take him for weeks at a time with little communication but you still call him your son?? #you leave him alone with your physically abusive roommate (knowing what she does to him) all day and still he's your son? #you tell everyone you and roommate are the dysfunctional/deadbeat/abusive parents and we're the loving foster parents and you feel no shame #you dont try to change this? you don't take him to a shelter or clean up your act or change roommates at all??? #and yet you still act like he means something to you when the only time he is cared for is when he's in our home #he is a sweet little boy who you took in on purpose and chose to keep and choose to keep every day #and you're fine with dumping him on us for weeks only seeing him for minutes at a time and now youre gonna take him home over break to get #him used to your pets?? like you want to keep him??? #i feel like ive been played for a sucker. like yes i inserted myself in this mess and i feel idk like. arrogant? for judging her #but at the same time i can't look at her roommate locking him in a dark closet full of his own shit or waving a taser at him or throwing hi #across the room ('look' metaphorically; i was told afterwards and they acted like it was funny) and go #yeah well. maybe we're all bad parents. YOU LEAVE HIM WITH HER? ON PURPOSE. EVERY DAY FOR MANY HOURS #like im glad to take care of him i will and am doing it for free i love him dearly. but watching her come back for him like it doesn't #matter that shes been gone this whole time and like it doesn't matter who he's with or how they treat him after we mop his shit up for week #like goddamn. ive been doing you a favor haven't i. #ive been a free cat nanny and at the end of the day he'll go right back into that shitcloset. and you won't bat an eye. #it's worth it to get him out of there even if im being taken advantage of but i fucking still don't like it #but im worried that if i confront her she'll take him back for good. aughh Hes Literally Not My Cat I Don't Have Any Right To Take Him #But He Needs Somebody Who Can Take Care Of Him. and im not even sure that person's me but fucking. at least i try #at least i give a shit about how he is and spend time with him and be patient with him and. god. i need to pack im stopping here #it makes me mad okay. he deserves so so much and they give him nothing. like i can't understand getting a kid/pet on purpose and not even #trying to understand or care for them or even Resenting them. theyre innocent and they need you. they're yours. be theirs. but seeing it in #person and having this stupid fucking mental custody battle is just. really frustrating and disheartening. #im going to go kiss babycat on the forehead now. fucks sake #edit day after but i went off about this to my mom and she pointed out that his owner kinda put her roommate in that situation too #like her behavior toward rascal is unacceptable but shit she Didnt Want A Kitten In Her Room #and shes probably the one who has to take care of him. at least we opted into this #like if my roommate got a high maintenance pet who fucking bites me all the time that i didnt like without asking and then made me take care #of it alone all the damn time In My Room bc it's a dorm so you can't escape like shit id be pissed too #and the owner just foisting him off on whoever not giving a shit about whose care he's in or how good it is like.