#i've been through so much

[explosionofdisbelief]

i just went back to my first post on this blog (which is the first blog i ever made on here) and i’m coming up on TWELVE YEARS on this site

i disappeared for a while but jesus christ i can barely comprehend that

#i've been through So Much

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

#hazbin spoilers #hazbin hotel #lucifer #lucifer morningstar #analysis #dissociation #look idk what to tell you all #I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense #when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations #he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything #literally I've been there #the difference between him and me tho #is that he can't show it #he's the king of hell #he has to bluff his way through conversations #but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind #and watch him reply to the things he DID catch #anyways #NEW BLORBO???? #who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel #and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character #I love him #he's so sad

[nycbirdenby]

Castiel may not serve humanity, but he does serve CUNT

#supernatural #spn #castiel #cass #I'm on season 6 #please don't spoil me #I've been through so much

[pemprika]

the beginning

#houseki no kuni #hnk #land of the lustrous #phosphophyllite #phos #cinnabar #cinnaphos #can't believe the last chapter will be released in a couple of weeks #i'm dying... crying... i miss them so much #hoping i'll be able to finish tons of my hnk wips that i've been hoarding since 2020 ^_^ i won't be able to stop drawing hnk for a while #let's get through the end together <:) #pemprika

[bizarrelittlemew]

calling it right now that season 3 starts like this

#so confused about people saying the season finale feels like the end because to me it didn't at all #there's like 5-10 issues immediately set up for another season #they're in a happy place at this point because they've both realized their love is bigger than anything else #and makes it worth working on their problems together #the problems are still very much there #both of them have deep self esteem/self loathing issues that haven't been resolved in the week since ed woke up #ed doesn't know about stede's trauma #they haven't talked through anything #and they'll be shit at starting/running an inn lmao it's not gonna go well #and those are just some of the internal issues #then there's prince ricky and all the authorities that would very much like to get their hands on both blackbeard and stede bonnet #because stede just full-on kept using his government name after faking his death. nice one #the crew are not “gone” they're more like off to college for a bit but will probably run into trouble immediately #again because while they escaped to the ship they didn't eliminate the threat (the british empire) #it's not a forever goodbye #ok this got super long already anyway i have a whole fic marinading in my brain until i've finished these 4 wips i'm in the middle of ✌️ #hope we get a renewal soon because i want to see the rest of their story!! #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd s2 #ofmd #our flag means death

[athenagranted]

the way i would pay for oliver to write meta about buck's character

#like. he Gets it. i've been thinking about buck in this ep for five days straight and he said it better in one sentence than any paragraph #i could ever come up with #people are arguing over whether buck #acted the way he did bc he wanted tommy's attention or eddie's attention or bc he was feeling left out or whatever but i don't think it's #any one thing i think it was just a general feeling of Wrongness when tommy showed up borne from thirty years of repressing his sexuality #and he tried to rationalize it as jealousy or whatever and worked through the fact that his behavior was completely unreasonable but #it wasn't until tommy kissed him that all of the rage that was trapped inside him was allowed to escape bc he finally had a name for it #he's been turning over parts of himself for years trying to find that final piece and getting more and more upset when it eludes him #n this kiss was the kind of cathartic relief that he so desperately needed bc it allowed him to understand what's been missing #anyway. oliver stark i love you so much i'm so grateful you play buck #buck #rae.txt #911

[mercymaker]

me, coming to this website every single day: don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look at the like/reblog ratio don't look-

#life #like every single fucken time!!! #i scroll through my dash and see gifs or art and stuff #and my hand is just gliding to the notes #it's fucking depressing honestly #and if i do that to my own posts it's fucking over #like i've been trying my best to focus on just making stuff for my own enjoyment and artistic expression #but that well is running dry ngl #people here take so much shit for granted everything is fucking content to be consumed #so many blogs just hoard posts in their likes like a little board in their room where they pin posts #it's exhausting honestly

[andsewingishalfthebattle]

Novice sewing pattern: Cut out shapes. Line up the little triangles on the edges. Stitch edges together. We've also included step-by-step assembly instructions with illustrations.

Novice knitting pattern: yOU MUSt uNDerstANd thE SECret cOdE CO67 (73, 87, 93) BO44 (63, 76, 90) 28 (32, 34) slip first pw repeat 7x K to end *kl (pl) 42 * until 13" (13, 13, 15) join new at 30 pl for 17 rows ssk 27 k2tog mattress lengthwise BO and sacrifice a goat to the knitting gods. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT "INSTRUCTIONS," I JUST GAVE THEM TO YOU

#knitting #no it's not a real pattern but I can't write one that makes sense because I have no freaking clue what any of that means #How do you make things that aren't basic rectangles #Why has every knitter I've asked for help just said 'patterns are easy; you just have to know how to read them' & then refused to teach me #Where do I even find a goat to sacrifice #How do I join the pattern cult #I am so confused #I've been knitting for almost a decade but I can only make scarves and potholders #I learned one (1) stitch by watching a YouTube video and none of my friends or family knit so I have no IRL resources #And nobody I meet seems to want to take the time to explain the rest to me #I taught myself to sew through trial and error but that doesn't really work with knitting because error is pretty much just... Unraveling? #Anyway sorry for the tag rant I'm just frustrated that I see pretty things I want to make but the instructions are in an alien language #And the gap between 'absolute novice' and 'intermediate' seems to be about 20 years of experience and formal instruction

[sciderman]

How did your meeting go with the surgeons?

it was memorable

#sci speaks #the sci files #im glad i've done all the research. i feel okay. i feel safe and confident. and the doctors have all been really kind and helpful. #lots of good vibes. and they're moving me through the system so quickly. i'm glad it'll be dealt with so soon. #feels so crazy that this has been going on. right under my skin. and it's all explained now and i feel so much more in control. #i know whats going on!! with my funky body!! no more unanswered questions!! #i feel really good these days. optimistic. i feel like i understand myself a lot more and it means i'm better to myself. #but you'll all have to be patient with me. please be patient with me like i've learnt to be patient with myself.

[pridoo]

“Still think it’s stupid?” Luke whispers before diving in again, fingers combing through Din’s hair, pulling a little as they get closer and closer. 

Plaguing my mind again with their amazing writing, I got back on the horse by re-reading 5 Times Luke Taught Din How to Use His Mouth & 1 Time Din Taught Luke by @ctrldao3 🙏

#dinluke #skydalorian #lukedin #luke skywalker x din djarin #the mandalorian #sw art #my art #gotta hand it to you mates. I've been really going through it lately #thank you so much for your support and inspiration 🙏 #I should always remember that drawing makes me feel better #have a good weekend everyone #I got frustrated with background and played with colors instead

[ogachukwu-the-freak]

Can't fucking stand Black Butler antis, YES my favorite scene was the fucking asthma scene bitch AND???? I'M WEIRD? WHY DID YOU WATCH AN ANIME WITH CLEARLY SUGGESTIVE SCENES LIKE THAT HUH???

SPEAK UP.

#talking as if we didn't all know what the undertones were with the corset scene #if you hate that shit so much rhis isn't YOUR space #it's OURS #I remember the fanart. bitch i remember the sebaciel MEMES I'd scroll through on Pinterest #with comments laughing about how funny or adding on to it #i remember the youtube compilations and the bitches all swooning at the sebaciel scenes #and now youre going to sit there #and look at me like I'M the freak for still being like this. mother. fucking. bitch eHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN????? #why are you WATCHING why are you READING without SOME DEGREE OF *TOLERANCE* FOR SEBACIEL #I'm sorry. it's not like I've been even too involved in Kuroshitsuji in recent years just #it feels like.. entitlement to me? it rubs me the wrong way #proship #proship rant #sebaciel #pro ship #pro fiction #do i tag this as shotacon? #proshippers please interact

[waitingforthesunrise]

And what do I do? I live. I try to make sense of life. I lean on my kitchen counter and get lost in the soup. I gaze at flowers and sunbeams and the cracking paint. I am in love and I am in pain and they are becoming less like lovers and more like friends. I like it that way; when I’m at the breakfast table, my head is quieter. I watch sunrises and I go insane, very quietly, over the twists and turns of poetry. I still smile when I cry. I am so loved, so fucking loved, and I hold the love carefully between my hands – like a present I’m still shocked to receive. 

I stand in the grass and close my eyes; the trees laugh, softly, caressing the wind, and I am a life in a life full of little lives. 

What is worship but a wordless cry – how good it is, how good it is, how good. How good is the laughter of friends and the sharp decoration of a pinecone? How good is the blue slide of sky, how good is my song, how good is a voice raised loud in joy?

And I live. I try to make sense of life. I cry in restaurant bathrooms. I dance. I pull my car over to take pictures of sunsets. I am in love. I tuck my pain into bed and kiss her forehead gently. Rage grabs my shoulder; I stare back. I am a life in a life full of little lives and I still don’t know how that happened. How good is it, to have people who your heart can rest with? How good is it, to see the stars? How good is it, to know I will cry again – I will wonder – I will let my heart be ripped clean and yet. And yet. I go on. 

What is worship but a wordless cry? 

I am glad to be alive.

#this was meant to be about gratitude and i got carried away a little lol #its been. a year. #last october/november/december was some of the hardest moments i've ever been through #and now. this november. io be honest. I feel more loved and happier then i ever have #and my tumblr family has had SO MUCH to do with that #my wordless cry is that i'm glad to be alive with you #original poetry #original writing #creative writing #female writers #writers of tumblr #ari writes

[mattodore]

he's waiting on a call he's planning to send straight to voicemail

#sorry matthias </3 maybe he'll pick up the next time you try calling............ <- me when i lie #river dipping #ts4 #ts4 edit #gifs #theodore doe #echthroi #hi friends and lovers hope everyone's doing well <3 #i got my old laptop to work so i have a laptop again even if the battery on it is messed up #but still #i haven't been online much bc i've started getting dizzy from staring at computer/phone screens for too long #and in particular the act of scrolling either on mobile or desktop makes my head spin and my eyes hurt :/ #but i powered through it yesterday so i could get in game with theo (and matthias) since i missed him really bad... oc plague be upon ye #i took... well. like five hundred screenshots and forty videos... i was in the soup. the mattodore soup. what can i say? #i don't like posting too much on here bc. i'm crazy (<- has avpd) so i probably won't post much from yesterday's fun here #but i'll post whatever i want on pillowfort <3 pic of jerma holding out his hand captioned let's take mattodore together #what else should i say before leaving... right my inbox... well i'll get to it eventually <- have been saying this since october sorry #but okay i've been staring at my screen too long so i need to go lay down for a bit #enjoy theo in motion!! if you’re a theo-head like myself #theodite à la jermamite? hm. its in the works. i’m workshopping. #mentioning jerma twice in these tags… busting a cyanide pill onto my tongue i’ve said too much #i have to go now mwah mwah mwah bye warmth and love to you mwah

[hopeswriting]

was thinking about takeshi and how he's my favorite brand of unconditional devotion btw. the utter and absolute and all-consuming kind that runs so deep to the very core and is so intrinsic and fundamental to it, it can only express itself in the most casual and natural and certain way. without second thoughts, without any room for doubts or for any moral dilemma to be had over it, because of course he ought to always be breathing and living for his chosen person first and foremost. of course he ought to hang on their every word and make them true no matter what, no matter what he has to do to make it happen, no matter what he has to do to other people to make it happen, and no matter what it might turn him into in the process. because it's obviously the way the world should be for his chosen person. at their feet, ready to bend over backwards and break and build itself again to better answer to all their needs even if they don't ask it for it. it's the only right way it should be for them, and of course takeshi's going to do his utmost at all times to make it a reality as much as possible.

and his devotion comes out as naturally as breathing, comes out lighthearted and nonchalant like he might as well be talking about the weather, but it's not unaware of itself. it's not that takeshi doesn't know it's unhealthy and wrong and that he's willing to go entirely too far in its name for anyone's good. it's not that he wouldn't hear you out if you were to sit him down and explain to him just why he needs to tone it down a little (a lot). logically, he'd agree with you and know you're right. and then he'd tell you he's still not going to do anything whatsoever about it. that he's not bothered by it and doesn't feel the need to change anything to his attitude. makes it a point to never let anyone or anything sway him even an inch in the stand he took when it comes to that, no matter how many thousand of times you might go over the subject with him.

because the morality of his devotion isn't the point at all. is entirely irrelevant to it and doesn't affect the way he expresses it all. it's not the metric with which he draws a line in the sand to hold it accountable to. because the thing is, takeshi's entire world revolves around tsuna--tsuna is his entire world altogether, and it's just a matter of fact, that simple. to him it's a truth as unchanging as the sky being blue, and so being the way he is according to that truth is the only way he can imagine being that'd feel right to him. and so the actual and only metric that matters here is "would tsuna be happier if i were to do this?" and/or "is this something tsuna needs me to do?"

and like. i don't think takeshi ever stops being a kind person capable of compassion and understanding and mercy and forgiveness even ten years later once they became mafia through and through. and i don't think either he grows up to be feared and called a monster per se despite the things they inevitably had to do during those ten years (and the things they'll inevitably keep having to do as long as they keep being mafia), at least not in the way, for example, they'll never stop fearing and calling mukuro one. but i do think that among the tenth gen, he ends up being the one with the most ruthless, merciless and horrific blood on his hands of that particular and distinct loving kind. you know the one i mean, right? he comes to be the one most expected and the one first expected to be willing and to take it upon himself to go through with it when the need arises. and to think little of it after, if anything at all. all in the name of making tsuna's reign as easy on him as possible.

and it's to the point where it's the kind of blood that makes even mukuro pause at times. or, when takeshi is the one coming up with solutions himself during meetings, makes even reborn blink. not because it's unjustified or wouldn't be safe or efficient or anything of the sort, but because it is unwarrantedly thorough in its retaliation. and sometimes, at times like this, he's the one tsuna needs to step in for the most, because he's the only one who can reason with him that "yes, this would work in getting rid of our problem" but "no, please, don't do that takeshi". because if tsuna is the only thing that infers on just how much and in what ways he'll let himself be devoted to him, then of course, he's also the only one takeshi's willing to reign himself in for without second thoughts. because he'd hate to ever do something tsuna would disapprove of or wouldn't want him to do. or do something that'd make tsuna see him differently or love him back less even in the slightest.

and it's also like. his devotion isn't an undisciplined one. it's not one he doesn't have control over, the very opposite. it's a very purposeful and conscious choice he chooses to keep making over and over again every step of the way, and he taught himself to have control over it, to know when it's needed and/or wanted, and how much and in which ways it is when it happens, and to keep it down otherwise. and, yes, to also reign it back in at tsuna's request at times when it still slips past his control. because it's all about making tsuna's happiness easier and secure and long-lasting, and never about burdening him with just how committed he is to do that.

so it comes down to this: takeshi willing to go above and beyond and more for tsuna unless tsuna explicitly asks him not to. and to tsuna needing to ask him not to every now and then. and to other people pointing out to him how too many times tsuna's already needed to stop him, and that maybe there's a hint for him to take there. and to takeshi seeing the hint, looking it straight in the eye and recognizing it for what it is and just. deciding it doesn't apply to him because it's all perfectly normal behavior to him. because it's the only kind of behavior that makes sense to him and feels right.

and so—to circle back to my first point—he can only express his devotion as naturally as breathing, so casually, almost like it's something inconsequential and not worth talking about despite how unmistakably it couldn't be further away from being the truth. it's the only way he could have always known how to express it, because, after all, who has ever taken time to ponder about the details and the hows of the way they breathe?

and i, for one, absolutely eat that shit up every time, thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr meta #can i even call this one?? well i'm going to anyway lol #yamamoto takeshi #sawada tsunayoshi #i've never been normal about devotion in stories and characters and won't ever be so sorry if this doesn't make sense #also this is not to say the 10th gen loves tsuna any less unconditionally this isn't a competition #it's just me saying the particularities and specificities of the way takeshi specifically does it appeal to me the most #which is one of the reasons why i have such a big soft spot for 8027 #and it's not a problem in their relationship either btw that's also not what i'm saying #like tsuna doesn't mind it and absolutely /does/ reciprocate it 100% #he's just careful to keep an eye out so none of them will lose themselves along the way #also this is within the context of me shifting canon slightly to the left in the way where the 10th gen loves tsuna /so much/ #they could just as well actually and properly worship him as a god and it still wouldn't make a single difference #and me liking to lean into that fully and taking it to extremes and it inevitably becoming some extent of dark #because considering the environment canon makes them express it (the mafia) it's like. well how else are they meant to keep it alive #and make sure it survives through it without giving it sharp teeth and claws and jagged edges of its own you know? #so if you feel like this is some kind of ooc-ness you're not wrong #but also consider: i'm not wrong either <3 #anyway consider also: unconditional devotion running /so/ deep down to your marrow and to your very essence #even in the face of the whole world telling you how wrong it is and how insane and unhinged you are for it and condemning you for it #it still wouldn't so much as make you consider the thought they might have a point #and i genuinely EAT that shit up every time i love to see it <3

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Horse Yaoi trotted so Horsegirl Yuri could fly.

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #equineswap au #wei wuxian #lan wangji #little apple #xiao pingguo #lan wunian #This is the first and second kiss I've ever drawn. And its horse yaoi and horsegirl yuri. Wouldn't want it any other way tbh. #And with that...Horse week has come to a close #Not the end of this AU mind you; I'll still throw some doodles in here & there and reblog any fanart #The concept behind this was to make something with the vibes of that one picture with the guys holding girls up on their shoulders #so the girls can kiss. And the guys are kissing too. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about. #Maybe one day I'll draw the unswapped version. Ill flip a coin to decide whether or not wangxian are carrying their equines or riding them #Thank you all so much for the extremely enthusiastic reception to my equineswap AU #The love for both sides of the swap has blow me away. These designs have been sitting around for a while and I wasn't sure I'd post them. #In the end it became a way to celebrate a follower milestone *and* this blog's 3 month anniversary #also...It has been a hard few weeks and I needed something light and fun. I really mean it when I say “you guys helped me pull through” #Love you all B'*)

[necromeowncy]

♡♡♡

#*pokes my head in* hi #I'm taking a hiatus from my main on Twitter #I guess I'm only kinda taking one here? not sure yet #Tumblr has always been a safe and welcoming place for me for the most part so I'm trying to be a little more open here ♡ ;w; #so to anyone reading these tags #I've been going through a very rough patch in terms of fandom/personal life/XIV Twitter/the wolgraha sphere in general #Mainly my perception on social media #but since I started my hiatus from public twitter I've been doing SO much better mentally #been writing and gposing every day and it feels nice to create again #creating for myself and my own very specific tastes feels good so I will keep doing that! :) #so here you go! some bathtime AedRaha #I'm very in love with AedRaha and always will be #thank you for reading these tags if you did <3 sorry if I was a bit vague lol I've had a lot going on lately #wolgraha #wol x g'raha tia #aedric vaillencourt #elezen #gpose #my poses #g'raha tia #AedRaha