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#i've been in severe pain before and one of the actual literal worst ones (feel free to laugh bc it's ridiculous lol)
bioethicists · 1 year
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Please note I have only taken a few psych classes cause I was required to in college, but I have always seen disorders in the DSM like adjustment disorder or prolonged grief disorder as something to get insurance to pay for therapy because at least my insurance in the US will only cover my therapy if I have a diagnosis... is that wrong though? Are they actually trying to make greif a pathology?
it's the other way around- the dsm (or diagnostics in general) does not exist/modify itself because of insurance, insurance bills based on the widespread belief in psychiatric research + practice that there is a meaningful split between "normal" and "pathological" behavior which can be categorized into illnesses which are meaningfully distinct both from one another + from "normality" (exemplified by the dsm).
even if some therapists no longer abide by this belief, it is still the dominant narrative in psychiatric research. insurance requiring you to medicalize your own pain in order to be given access to healing is a problem that should be addressed directly, not by inventing more and broader ways to be 'sick'. if we're literally inventing disorders now just to get people access to therapy- that's a huge problem + not something we should settle back into + accept. to its credit, even the icd (medical dx book for insurance) has codes that essentially mean "no illness or disease here, just a need to speak with a physician".
to be clear (which i think ppl were not getting from the post i made)- there is no grand conspiracy to like... cover up grief or delegitimize pp due to covid. i do think that researchers for prolonged grief disorder do genuinely believe that they are helping increase access to healing (which may be true but at the cost of medicalizing grief) + that identifying a 'disordered' form of grief is somehow empowering or healing for ppl. what it does is further construct a cold (western-based) narrative that there are 'normal' + 'abnormal' ways to experience grief, that there are forms or intensities of grief which are a sickness (that is, a problem within to be solved or cured), that there are right and wrong ways to grieve. it stems from such a myopic, medicalized, neoliberal view of the world that someone whose life is permanently altered by a devastating loss is seen as a disordered object to shift onto the 'proper' track of grieving.
at the risk of getting too personal, because i've been thinking abt this a lot since losing my brother- criterion for this disorder include identity disruption, intense emotional pain, loneliness, and difficulty reintegrating into life. one of the worst parts of grieving in the US is the culture's rabid obsession with you getting over it as soon as possible w/o letting it affect you in any meaningful way. you have to get out of the house, get back to normal, don't let it drag you down! my dad said to me the day after my brother died "we can't let this change the course of our lives". the absolute arrogance + cruelty of implying that it hasn't already changed. that my identity isn't forever changed because i was a sibling + now i am not. now i am something different. of course i am lonely. of course i am having difficulty reintegrating into life. of course i am in intense emotional pain. i wrote that post before losing my brother + now it just feels like another manifestation of the unspoken cultural mandate that grief be contained, efficient, unimpactful.
tl;dr the insurance benefits may or may not be there, but this misses the larger issue of how insurance functions this way due to psychiatry's obsession with diagnostics + will ultimately serve to draw even stricter boundaries around acceptable/unacceptable grief, isolating grievers + severing their pain from a communal context
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henelopekru · 1 year
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Illicit Affairs
CHAPTER ONE. Welcome Back
A Hope Mikaelson x Penelope Park (Henelope) Fic "Don't call me kid, don't call me baby."
Word Count: 2k words
Summary. Inspired by an old tweet I saw just after the second season of Legacies aired. In which Penelope had returned to Mystic Falls after all, only to realise Josie had moved on. Her so-called romance with a forgotten friend is only a ploy to make her ex-girlfriend jealous, never intending to go as far as it does.
A/N. Honestly this is a fic I've wanted to write for a while now. I actually haven't checked, but I imagine Henelope doesn't get a lot of love since they literally interacted twice the entire show lmao. Also please forgive me if some of this is a little inaccurate to the show, it's been a while since my last rewatch of Legacies!
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Penelope wasn’t sure whether it was the circumstances that made her irritated by seemingly everything or if it was just Mystic Falls High. The school receptionist typing away at a computer likely older than Penelope herself, the ticking of a clock prehistoric in appearance.
8:55am, it read. Penelope frowned, it was far too early to be awake, especially while her body was still combating a severe case of jet lag. How long had she been waiting now? The email she’d gotten after enrolling last night had asked her to arrive at the reception at 8:30, it wouldn’t surprise her if they’d just forgotten about her. She contemplated asking the receptionist, who Penelope was about seventy percent certain was playing a flash game instead of actually doing any work.
She didn’t want to be here, pulling at a loose thread on her chair, trying hard to ignore the oddly stale scent in the air that threatened to make her nauseous. Still, this had been the agreement she’d decided on with her parents, she could come back to Mystic Falls without them, but she had to continue going to school - they just hadn’t specified what school.
Never in a million years would she have imagined she’d be going to a public school of all places, but anywhere sounded better than the Salvatore School right now. She couldn’t go back there, not after what had happened last night.
The plan had been to surprise Josie with her return. After the way their goodbye had gone, Penelope had assumed Josie would be thrilled to have her back. Sure, maybe they wouldn’t have gotten back together, but she’d just been excited at the idea of seeing her again.
But seeing her with someone else? With Landon Kirby of all people?
At least they hadn’t seen her, that Penelope had spotted them first. She’d managed to preserve her pride so far, but she wouldn’t have stood a chance if they’d known she’d seen them. That was the only silver lining she could see for now, but she didn’t feel optimistic enough to try and think of any others. It was a shitty situation, nothing could fix it.
Josie had been the only reason Penelope had even returned, wanting to warn her about the Merge, wanting to love her in spite of all her flaws and in spite of Lizzie. Her new school in Belgium hadn’t been so bad after all, designed completely for witches, the only downside it had was that there was no Josie. She was too late, Josie had moved on and there was no way Penelope could go back to the boarding school, she couldn’t stand seeing her and Landon together again.
The worst part was that she had no real place to be angry or hurt; Penelope had already broken up with Josie, long before she’d even left for Belgium, she’d broken her heart first - so this was what it felt like, karma stung more than Penelope would’ve liked. 
She’d never actually been broken up with before, or rejected, but she got the feeling her situation with Josie was more painful than any other kind of heartbreak could be. It wasn’t that neither of them cared, Penelope had just messed up and it was too late to fix it.
It was her own fault, she’d caused this.
Penelope had hardly had the time to give much thought to the other girl she’d seen near the mill that night, right after she’d left Josie and Landon. The girl was a student - maybe? - but not one that Penelope recognised, she’d simply chalked her down to being a new transfer, she didn’t look young enough to be a freshman, probably around Penelope’s age.
The girl was the last of her worries though, just as she had been last night. Besides, Penelope doubted that she’d even see her again, she didn’t intend on going anywhere near the boarding school.
“The principal will see you now, Miss Park.” The school receptionist mercifully tore Penelope from her thoughts before she could wallow in any more self-pity. 
Penelope nodded, standing up from her seat in the waiting room, boots squeaking as they made contact with the rubber floors. She grimaced at the harsh sound, approaching the door to the headmaster’s office, reading over the newly placed name plate.
‘Principal A. Saltzman’
It didn’t come as a complete surprise to Penelope, she’d known Alaric had taken a job in Mystic Falls High. Perhaps she hadn’t known it was the job of principal, but it made sense, considering he’d been the headmaster at the Salvatore school. Still, that didn’t take away the dreadful awkwardness that she knew would come with having to talk to her ex-girlfriend’s father.
With a near inaudible sigh, Penelope knocked on the door, waiting for permission from the man inside before she entered the office, unsure of what to expect.
“Take a seat, Penelope.” Alaric gestured towards the empty seat across from his side of the desk, hitting the witch with an odd sense of deja vu from her first day at the Salvatore Boarding School. It felt like forever ago now, since she’d first convinced her parents to allow her to move from her home in New Orleans to a small town in Virginia.
Sitting down, Penelope wouldn’t even dare to look Alaric in the eye, out of.. What? Embarrassment? Guilt? She couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but both seemed to apply. Embarrassed she’d believed Josie would just take her back, guilty they’d even broken up in the first place. Penelope wondered if Alaric knew about Josie and Landon, if the kiss she’d witnessed the night before had been the first of many to come or if they’d been together since Penelope had left for Belgium.
The silence in the room was deafening, as Alaric quietly flicked through his computer screen, likely looking through Penelope’s files from her last two schools. 
She wondered if Alaric resented her, for everything that had happened. She’d never had to worry about that when she first broke up with Josie. While he’d been the headmaster at Salvatore’s, there’d been no room for him to take sides and if anything, Penelope wasn’t sure she’d ever seen him take Josie’s side - it was obvious he struggled to balance being a father and a headmaster all at once.
But now, they were in a different school, where maybe he could allow his love towards his daughters to take the forefront more often. Despite her silent disagreements Penelope had towards Alaric, mainly ones that involved him not telling Lizzie and Josie about the merge, she actually liked him. Surprisingly - even to her - she’d actually be quite disheartened if he treated her differently.
Eventually, Penelope cleared her throat, “Why did you leave the boarding school?” She asked, leaning back in her seat. In a way, she was relieved Alaric was her headmaster again, she didn’t feel like trying to suss out a brand new person.
Alaric was too occupied with the computer to look up, although Penelope didn’t take offence, she knew what he was like and it was just nice to have some sense of familiarity after everything that had happened since she’d come back.
“I thought the school would be more suited to a headmaster that can help better than I can.” He explained vaguely after a pause, looking up from the screen in front of him.
She let out a quiet burst of laughter, it had never been a secret that Alaric was ill-equipped when it came to running a school of supernatural teenagers. “You mean someone who’s not a human, right?” Penelope asked, earning a glare from Alaric.
“Penelope.” He began in a hiss, “You don’t know who could be listening.”
Penelope only shrugged in response, although she knew he was right, so she decided not to press any further. Even if she was hurting more than she’d care to admit, she knew throwing the rest of her former classmates under the bus would be unfair. Perhaps the council had stopped vampire hunting years ago, but there was no use in risking it.
“You applied for your enrollment quite late.” Alaric noted, looking up from his screen to shoot her a knowing glance. Maybe this Josie and Landon thing had been going on for a while. “Last night, to be exact. You’re lucky I recognised your name.”
Penelope could only pray that Alaric wouldn’t mention Josie. She wasn’t sure she could handle even the mention of her former girlfriend’s name right now.
She chose not to offer an explanation, to be safe, “So can I still enrol?” Penelope asked nonchalantly, like she had other options. Technically, she could go back to Belgium, but how would she even explain what had happened to her parents? They’d had no idea about her and Josie and for good reason, they never would have approved of the relationship.
Alaric nodded, “You can, but I don’t understand, Penelope.” He answered, finally tearing his full attention away from the computer, resting his arms on the desk he sat at, “You fit in well at the boarding school, you were well liked.. I just don’t see what you gain from coming here instead.”
Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Penelope sat up straight. “Maybe I want a different experience.” She shot back, just about managing to hold back her sarcasm. She made a point of lowering her voice as she continued, “Besides, it’s not like I need help controlling my magic, I grew up around witches in the French Quarter.”
“And you’re sure there’s not another reason?” Alaric asked, as though he already knew but was just waiting for Penelope to confess the truth.
Penelope nodded in response; a lie that Alaric appeared to see right now.
He paused uncertainly, “Have you spoken to Josie since you got back? I know she missed having you around school.” Alaric commented, a statement that caused Penelope’s heart to sink.
She didn’t want to think about how Josie must’ve felt after she left, their tearful goodbye had been painful enough. She wondered how long it had taken after that for her to grow close with Landon, if he was just a rebound or if Josie really loved him - neither option was preferable.
“No, I broke up with her, remember?” Penelope clarified, feigning disinterest. She almost immediately dropped the act, more so out of shame rather than the fact that she was talking to Josie’s father. He probably didn’t think very highly of her after she broke his daughter’s heart the first time around. “If I see her, I’ll say hi..”
Seemingly satisfied with the answer he’d been given, Alaric momentarily returned his attention back towards the computer, clicking and typing a few times before he spoke, “Then congratulations, Penelope, you’re officially a student at Mystic Falls High.” He announced, not bothering to lace his tone with enthusiasm, he knew it was the last thing Penelope wanted.
With another click at the computer, a sheet of paper appeared from the printer behind Alaric’s desk, the machinery making a soft buzz. He turned around in his chair to grab the paper, handing it to Penelope. “This has your timetable and your locker number.” He stated, pointing towards each area where the necessary information was located.
Taking the paper in her hands, Penelope quickly skimmed over the information, enough to know that her first lesson of the day was History. She nodded, “Thanks, Alaric.” Penelope acknowledged.
“That’s Mr Saltzman to you.” Alaric corrected her half-heartedly. He shook his head, knowing that she wouldn’t listen, Penelope had been too close to Josie and the rest of the Saltzman family - excluding Lizzie, of course - to even consider Alaric an authority figure. “Just be careful what you call me around the other students.”
Penelope nodded again, humming in amusement as she stood up from her seat. “Yeah, sure.” She mumbled, gathering her things and folding up the sheet Alaric had given her, “I guess I’ll see you around then."
For the first time during the entire exchange, Alaric offered Penelope a smile. Strangely enough, Penelope found it reassuring, easing nerves she didn’t know she had about her first day, “Good luck today.” He said, “And welcome back to Mystic Falls.”
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tsukidrama · 10 months
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okay so like as im typing this out i feel lowkey pathetic as fuck but i just easily had the worst day of my entire life and i lowkey need somebody anybody who wasn't with me to tell me "im glad you're okay and u didn't deserve all of that"
i frew up....... for 16 hours nonstop 🤪 literally nonstop!!!! i am not exaggerating even a little bit!!!! it was constant and i have never been so scared that i was gonna die. can you even fucking die from throwing up? probably not but once you hit a certain point it really really really feels like it.
it was so bad that we had to call my mom. and still with both her and mars tending to me like i was a baby, literally doing everything for me from getting me water to changing the tempature or fixing my blankets, it didn't help even a little bit.
it started at 6pm. at 6am i was about to start slamming my head against the wall until i passed out so mama took me to urgent care. we got there as soon as they opened.
walked in there and broke down like i haven't broken down ever before in my life just begging for the pain to stop
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this story actually has one of the happiest endings as far as my medical fiascos typically go. the doctor who came into see me was an actual literal angel on earth. i wanna buy him a card or flowers or some shit. a lot of the time i don't get a lot of sympathy with this condition (on account of me being "too young" for my IBS to be as severe as it is) but this fuckin man not only prescribed me some really good medicine but he actually stayed in the exam room with me for probably 45 minutes, specifically just calming me down and comforting me. and it worked. the meds were a big part of course but it was honestly the best therapy i've gotten in years. i have been in an out of hospitals/urgent cares/emergency clinics more than i can count. the medical bills i rack up are horrifying. and i swear to god that ive never ever encountered a medical professional anywhere near this level of compassionate. especially while sick and throwing up like that. probably 2/3rds of the time i get written off as "just having a panic attack"
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cambria-writes · 2 years
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happy update day!
i literally finished this an hour ago, then i ran out for an errand, and now here i am. i've started work on ch9, and i'm already like 30% done.
i don't really know how many more chapters we've got to go; we're just finishing up on episode 5 in this one, next chapter stars in episode 6 so... math says we've got like maybe five chapters to go? i'm probably gonna write eight more lmao i don't know when to stop. i lied cause i almost accidentally posted the wrong chapter lmao but we still got several chapters to go babes!!
my ask box is always open, i love reading your comments, and the taglist is always open!!
...i'm gonna go fix the format of the other fics so everything's consistent now lol we love aesthetic evolution
pairing: eddie munson x reader rating: T-M, each chapter rated individually warnings: guns, active shooting, minor character death, mention of a corpse, lots of swearing, reader passes out, ADND should come with its own warning, DND references in general, kind of an anxiety attack, let me know if i need to tag anything else! word count: 3,365
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𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕾𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖓: 𝔄𝔰𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔩 𝔖𝔭𝔢𝔩𝔩
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March 23rd, 1986
It takes maybe a second, but for that one second, you feel like your body’s being pulled in every single direction at once. Your stomach rises up into your throat and lights burst behind your eyelids, accompanied by the worst, searing pain. The only thing you can think of is not letting go of Eddie’s hand.
And then it stops as soon as it starts.
You’re on your knees, doubled over on the road, gasping for breath. It takes a few seconds of jamming the palms of your hands into your eyes to start seeing again. You think you hear Eddie somewhere off to your right. You struggle getting to your feet, the cold like claws digging into your muscles and your thin sweater is doing nothing to help.
When you feel for your nose, your hand comes away bloody again. Snort and spit out the blood before making your way over to Eddie. He’s at least still mostly standing, hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath. He holds an arm out to keep you away while he straightens up.
“I’m good,” He croaks. “Just need a sec.”
“We don’t have a second,” you whisper harshly, moving forward to grab him by the arm. “We need to go.” You don’t listen to his complaints as you start dragging him towards the road. “Mind the vines.”
“The hell do you mean mind the vines?”
“Exactly what I said,” you reply, picking up the pace once Eddie seems to be able to move on his own. “Your lich king uses them to track movement or something, it’s some weird kinda hive mind.”
“Hive mind? You’re kidding me.”
“Wait, hey—don’t do that!” you shout, pulling him back from one of the thicker vines by the side of the road. “You wanna fucking die in this place cause that’s a good way to do it!”
Eddie turns around to look at you and his face is blank for a second. “You’re... really not kidding.”
“Look around you, Ed! Does it look like I’m kidding?” You put your arms out and take a few steps back. “Look, actually look. Does this look like home to you?” You scoff and turn back towards the road. “Come on. It wasn’t too far.”
It takes a bit before you hear Eddie jogging to catch up with you. He stays silent while he walks to your right. You flex your fingers around the handle of the gun and keep staring straight ahead.
“So you...” Eddie trails off, walking a bit closer to brush your shoulders together. “You’ve been having nightmares about this place the whole time?”
“Yep,” you emphasize the P with a pop. “November 1983.”
“Wait, isn’t that when the Byers kid went missing?”
You hum and shrug, take a second to jump over a particularly large vine crossing the road. “Yeah, well. Everything kind of all went to shit from thereon out. Clearly,” you motion vaguely around young. “It hasn’t stopped.”
“So like, how much further?” Eddie asks, and the nervous edge on his voice could probably be heard from a mile down the road.
You take a second to squint and try and look further down the road. There doesn’t seem to be anything for as far as you can see. You grab at Eddie’s arm to make him stop.
“It... it shouldn’t be farther out than this,” you say quietly, turning to look around. “Do you see anything?”
“Nah,” Eddie answers slowly. “I’m not... are you sure this is the right way?”
“I thought so...” you trail off.
When you turn back to face the way you were going down, you get the same creeping feeling at the back of your neck as you did earlier.
“Eddie, I think we need to go back.”
“Oh, now you’re agreeing that this is a terrible idea,” he scoffs.
You’re about to smack him when something snaps in the woods off to your left. You raise your gun and make sure it’s cocked.
“Hey, what the hell was that?” Eddie whispers, side stepping a few feet to get closer to you.
“I don’t know,” you whisper back, keeping your gun aimed at the woods but slowly stepping back. “We should probably—”
Something rushes out of the trees and skitters to a stop in the middle of the road, about thirty or fourty feet ahead of out. You stop breathing for a second, until the thing turns its head towards you, and its entire face opens up with a flower and a a deafening screech.
“Holy shit,” Eddie breathes, grabbing your shoulder and pulling you back. “take us back, take us back!”
You pull the trigger once and miraculously, despite shaking hands and the missing ability to breathe, you manage to hit the thing straight in whatever it has that passes for a mouth. It lets loose another screech before it starts running right at you.
“What the hell was that for?!” Eddie screams, dragging you back to start running. “We have to go!”
“Shit, shit, shit I’m trying!” you shout back, flailing to grab a hold of Eddie’s arm. “Stay still!”
“Are you fucking crazy?!”
You dig your heels in to make Eddie stop and pull him back to you. You can hear the thumping of the monster running behind you, but you close your eyes against everything anyways.
The sound of feet hitting pavement fades away with the screech and Eddie’s screaming. And for a second, again, you feel that weightlessness and gut-wrench. When the ground meets your feet again, though, you don’t have any strength in your legs left to hold you up and you crumple in the middle of the road, boneless.
“Fuck, fuck!” Eddie screams, and you can barely lift your head to look at him. When you do, your vision is too blurry to make anything out.
You do, however, see a body on the pavement, just behind him.
“Ed,” you whisper, pulling an arm out from under you. “Ed, be... behind you,” you choke out, pointing.
“Wh-what are you,” he starts, but stumbles back clean onto his ass after he turns around. “Holy shit,” he whimpers, twisting to look back at you. “He—Chrissy—”
“Ed,” you mumble, letting your cheek rest back on the road. “I’m gonna... I’m gonna pass out.”
“What? Wait, no, no, no—”
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The funny thing about unconsciousness is that it’s not quite a lack of consciousness. It’s like you can feel and hear everything in bursts, but only in some kind of periphery.
You can feel yourself being carried, kind of, and you can hear someone talking, almost, but none of it ever feels close enough to properly register, and you can barely remember any of it a few seconds after you almost feel it.
When you open your eyes again, it’s still pitch black outside if the curtained window is anything to go by, but there’s light coming from down the hallway from the bedroom. Your whole body aches—you can feel scrapes on your legs against your jeans and your palms are burning. There’s a headache blooming behind your eyes again, and it nearly burns every time you breathe in through your nose.
When you groan and try to roll over, you entirely miscalculate how far the edge of the bed is, and fall clean off when you can’t get your legs around in time. The sound must clearly alert Eddie in whichever part of the house he’s in, because no sooner does your head meet the floor do you hear clattering, swearing, and furious stomping down the hall. You’ve managed to prop yourself up on your elbows by the time he reaches the doorway.
“H-hey, you,” you try to greet casually, but the migraine splitting your skull is making it hard to get anything else out.
“Don’t “hey you” me you fucking menace,” Eddie grumbles, moving over to reach under your arms to help you back up to sit on the bed. He crouches in front of you when you’re settled, elbows on his knees and head hanging with a sigh. “You mind telling me what happened and why you felt the unrestrained need—“ Eddie cuts himself off when his voice begins to rise and he sees you visibly wince at the volume. “Sorry, sorry. Just, what happened?”
You shrug and pinch your eyes shut. “I really don’t know. It’s like that second plane shift took it all out of me.” Eddie nods for a second, but seems to realize something and shakes his head furiously.
“Yeah, okay, that’s good to know and everything, but I was talking about that freaky dog thing that ran right for us with the venus fly trap face.”
You snort at the description but stay quiet for a second, trying to think through the migraine. “Henderson called them, uh… Demodogs? I think? They’re like the Demogorgon but quadrupedal instead of bipedal.”
You can hear Eddie cursing Dustin under his breath before he puts his hands on your knees. “Anything else you can tell me?”
You frown and shake your head a bit. “Any-anything else? What—”
“I dunno, like, how to kill them? What they’re susceptible to? Literally anything?”
You bring your hands up to your face and dig your fingers into your eyes. “I can’t-I can’t think. Can you get my painkillers or something? My head’s killing me.”
Eddie rushes out of the room without a word. You let yourself fall back on the bed. Try to recall the nightmares from before. There was that time two years ago when Chief Hopper was stuck in the tunnels and he managed to clear the vines with fire… so maybe your harebrained thought of making a flamethrower wasn’t too absurd after all.
“Here,” Eddie says, entering the room while shaking a pill bottle out into his hand. He caps it back up and grabs the bottle of water he had wedged under his arm and hands it to you.
You sit back up with a groan and whisper your thanks. Twist open the bottle, accept and throw back the pills, and drain half the bottle in one go. When you gasp and wipe your mouth, you take the time to properly look at Eddie.
He’s pale, clearly shaken up. And now that you’re paying attention, you can see the trembling of his hands on his knees as he crouches in front of you, and you can make out a bead of sweat going down his neck. You reach out to wipe away a smear of something from his cheekbone with your thumb.
Your nose feels itchy and your eyes are burning. “I’m sorry,” you breathe. Swallow thickly. “I-I’m so sor—”
“Hey, no,” Eddie mutters, holding onto the wrist nearest his face and bringing his other hand up behind your neck. “Hey, none of this is your fault. We’re both just caught up in some bullshit, we didn’t ask for it. You’re good.” He gives the back of your neck a squeeze and you let yourself fall into his shoulder. “You’re good. We’re fine. We’re gonna be fine.”
“Man I’m sorry for crying you much,” you choke out between sobs, grabbing at Eddie’s denim vest. “I just—I can’t—”
“None of that.” The fact that you can hear the shaking in Eddie’s voice tears a desperate wail from you. “It’s okay, just let it out. Just let it out.”
And you do.
All the fear and the frustration, the confusion; you sob it out. The consuming rage of not being listened to, of being called insane; the confusion of never knowing when you’ll end up in that-that hellscape again, and whether or not it’s going to be real; the certainty that if you talk about what happens to you again that you’ll just be sent back to another hospital. Maybe permanently this time.
Worst of all is the knowing, now, that all your nightmares were real. Maybe the details were off, here and there, but the people you saw dead died. There is another Hawkins and there are monsters there. And, for some god forsaken reason, you can go there.
“Hey,” you hear Eddie whisper your name. “Can-can you breathe with me? Can you do that?” he asks, and the fingers at the back of your neck start to scratch lightly at your nape. It takes a second, but you nod; you know you’re hyperventilating, now that the crying has stopped, and you know you need to get a grip. “Alright, okay,” Eddie continues, resting his chin on top of your head. “In seven, hold for two, out for four. Got it? In seven, hold two, out four.”
You nod again, and try inhaling when he does. When you start coughing, he whispers that it’s okay, and you try again. After a few failed attempts, and once the burning in your chest starts subsiding, you finally manage to match your breathing to the rise and fall of Eddie’s chest.
“There you go,” he sighs on the exhale, giving the back of your neck one last squeeze before moving his hands to your shoulders and pulling you away just enough to get a good look at you. “Hey there.”
“Hey,” you whisper back, doing your best to offer a watery smile. Take a deep breath. “Thanks. For helping.”
“Well, hey,” Eddie chuckles, patting your right shoulder. “Thanks for not letting me get eaten by a freaky carnivorous plant dog.” You close your eyes and let yourself laugh, even if it’s still a bit shaky.
“Yeah,” you nod, patting him on the chest. “Well. Can’t let my therapist die in a parallel universe. Who else is gonna listen to my bullshit?”
Eddie helps you to your feet once you feel like you’ve got a good enough grasp on yourself again. Mentions that he’s been poring over his books since he brought you back to the house for lack of a better thing. Has been checking in on you every other hour to make sure you were still breathing. Cleaned your face off, because it was ‘covered in blood like you’d walked straight out of Carrie or something’.
“Did you let the others know what happened?” you ask once you’re sat at the table with the rest of your bottle of water. Looking around you can see that Eddie’s covered the windows nearby with blankets, cushions and other fabric you think might be clothes. The lantern in the center of the table casts enough light to see most everything around you, including several books laid out and overlapping on the table.
“Yeah,” he grunts, letting himself down on the chair. He waves you off when you frown in concern. “They’re all a little… occupied right now, but one of the brats should come with their designated escort later.”
“You mean Harrington,” you correct, a bit absently, pulling one of the D&D books closer to you. A quick flip of the cover tells you it’s the Dungeon Master’s guide. “Did you find anything interesting while I was passed out?”
“Actually,” Eddie starts, flipping covers and going through the books on the table before he pulls one out from beneath the guide you have in front of you. It’s thin, and you never would’ve known it was there. “I felt so stupid not thinking of it first but… here.” He slaps his hand down and flattens the booklet before spinning it around to hand it over to you. “Right there,” he points to the page on your right.
“This… is this a spell list?” you ask, a little bit incredulously.
“The magic-user spell list yeah—that’s not the point. Look,” he leans over the table to tap at a column at the bottom of the right page. “The ninth level spells.”
“Gate,” you breathe, frowning and leaning down closer. “Astral Spell, Power Word: Kill…” You bring your hand up to the book and look at the other columns. “Telekenesis, Wizard Eye, Projected Image, Dimension Door—”
“Everything you’ve seen,” Eddie starts, slowly lowering himself back down in his chair. “All of it, it’s all there. Even the monster shit, it’s all there.”
You let out a quiet gasp, and turn the page. You zero in on the title at the top of the left page:
SPELLS TABLE
Clerics
“Hold up,” up say, raising your hand over the table and motioning to be handed something. “I’m not seeing plane shift in here.” You look up at Eddie, who seems to take a second before registering what you’ve said before snapping his fingers and going through a few books on the table before picking up up and passing it over.
“It’s, uh, I think it’s page fourty?”
You flip through the pages and land on the one mentioned, and there it is at the bottom. The cleric spell list.
“There is it,” you exclaim, pointing down and looking up. “Plane shift.” You look back down at the page and frown, “This is level five shit though. I don’t know that…”
“Don’t, you don’t know that what,” Eddie asks after you stay quiet for a few seconds. You flip through a few more pages, take a second to read and lean back in your chair.
“True Seeing,” you say quietly, gesturing at the book. “I mean, I definitely don’t need some kind of-of mushroom ointment for my eyes, but that sounds about right.”
“Anything else sound familiar?” Eddie asks, clasping his hands in front of him over the book on the table. You bite your lip and look down again, sigh and shrug.
“I-I mean I don’t know? Augury, maybe, I guess?” You let a hand trail down the columns. “I really don’t know, most of this shit just kind of happens to me, I don’t exactly try to do any of it.”
“But you tried with Plane Shift,” Eddie points out, taking the book back and flipping it around to take a look at it. “And you’ve basically done Astral Spell before even if you were kind of, y’know. Unconscious.”
You cross your arms and narrow your eyes at the man sitting across from you. “You’re not actually suggesting I do what I think you’re suggesting I do.”
Eddie’s grin could split his face with how wide it is.
“No. No, absolutely not,” you growl out, slamming your hands down on the table. “Are you forgetting that just the plane shifting almost got us killed? How about the part where I passed the fuck out as soon as I got us back? The bleeding? Nuh-uh,” you conclude, crossing you arms again and kicking the table. “No fucking way.”
“Come on,” Eddie pleads, putting his elbows and slapping his hands together almost supplicantly. “It can be something easy, totally inconsequential. Like,” he looks down between his elbows before looking back up. “Cure Light Wounds! You get a papercut—”
“Boy, are you stupid—”
“Or what about Silence? Speak With Animals should be—”
“Eddie!”
He flinches back a bit in his seat, but otherwise puts his hands up in surrender. You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose in irritation.
“I’m not a test subject, Ed,” you whisper, letting your hand fall down in your lap and giving him a look you hope is just shy of begging. “Right now I just. Can we just like, get high and pig out on junk food or something?”
Eddie sighs and has the decency to look apologetic. “I don’t have anything on me, princess. Kind of didn’t really have the time to grab anything when we…”
He trails off and you don’t need to hear the rest of the sentence. “Right, well at least we have beer,” you say as you get up and head over to the fridge. “You did put it in the fridge right?”
“Yeah, but I mean, shouldn’t you be drinking, like, water or something a little more—”
“I just woke up from passing the fuck out after basically teleporting us twice and dodging a hellhound in literal, actual hell,” you call from the fridge. You pick up two bottles, scoff and put them back in the case before taking the whole thing out. “I deserve a fucking break from this bullshit.”
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𝓣𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽
@anothermunsonsimp @doratheignora @storiesbyrhi
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raincamp · 8 months
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7 - 27 - 23
today has been... a lot. i have a lot to talk about because it really just keeps snowballing, ive had the worst fucking BPD episode today
so i wrote this this morning, expecting to get to actually have a session with my therapist today, since yk, i did finally make an appointment with her referral (for context if you didn't read my last posts, she basically said: no appts until i start addiction counseling bc she can't treat addiction) //
"i've been having the worst and most painful fucking week of my life only for everything to be entirely made up by my imagination, oh how i fucking hate paranoid ideation
as i'm writing this i have about an hour before my therapy appointment— which i was one hundred and ten percent sure was going to be rescheduled, and that i was going to be terminated, because apparently my therapist doesn't like me— and i'm having so many urges to like, hurt myself, or do something to prove that I've been in pain this week because now that i've realized it was all just paraoia my pain no longer feels valid, or justifiable, or even real because of my emotional impermanence making it literally impossible for me to relive the emotions i was experiencing even 5 hours ago.
im partly glad that i only blew up at her once, i think i would be so much more embarrassed had i not. not to say that im not entirely ashamed of my entire reaction to something as small as this, but i also feel like she would've been able to understand how much I've been struggling this week if i had. and since I can't wholly remember how it felt, if it exists in somebody else then it makes it more real. idk. i just want my pain to be validated by her so much."
i was fully ready for her to text me today and be like "oh chill you made an appt see you in an hour" but what i got instead was radio silence. so i checked my appointment portal only to see our standing appointments for the next 3 weeks cancelled.
believe me when i say, my heart fucking dropped, i mean like, it was on the fucking floor, i was hit so hard i couldnt breathe for several minutes.
so, yk, i text her begging for an appointment like the pathetic emotional parasite that i am, and all i get in response is a "we can reschedule once you've attended your intake appointment" so i was like, welp, that sucks bc my intake is next week on a Thursday, so now i have to go two weeks without therapy. absolutely triggered the fuck out of me, i was crying, SOBBING on my floor, it just hurt so fucking much. i felt like i was being ripped apart and sewn crudely back together again, over and over again, everytime i calmed down enough to breathe it would start over again, wave after wave of sadness and shame and abandonment and rage and grief and desperation. i just wanted to stop feeling so much PAIN.
and yk what i did, instead of hurting myself like i nornally would, i texted my therapist like i've been taught to in DBT. she's SUPPOSED to be there to help me when i need it. thats literally in her contract.
mid-sob i typed out a message that was more akin to me begging her to pull me out of a sea of misery and perform CPR on me than professionally asking for help, but i genuinely didnt know what to do, and i STILL don't, because distress tolerance only goes so far, ive been feeling like this, constantly, since our last session.
and she just responded with reminding me that she set the boundary a week ago and we talked about a referral 11 days ago, but she was available for an appointment in two weeks (meaning ANOTHER week without therapy, total: 3) . completely ignoring my plea for help. it felt like she was telling me "hey just a reminder, this is entirely a consequence of your own actions. have fun dealing with it yourself!!"
i have fucking BPD, the only way i KNOW how to deal with anything is by hurting either myself or the people around me. and im THIS close to self destructing and quitting therapy altogether.
i am so fucking pissed at her, idk how she can expect me to survive three weeks without stable treatment. especially after i was hospitalized last month for a suicide attempt?? she knows how much im suffering right now. is keeping a boundary really so important that she can't even help me when im hurting this much?
all i want right now is to scream at her, and im definitely going to, at the very least, be as much of an arse as i can over text, idk, i feel like i deserve to let myself be angry at her. its definitely justified, despite what i said before. theres clear evidence now that I wasn't being paranoid.
i just feel so abandoned by her, physically and emotionally, i feel like i have nobody, i feel like im back to where i was before i started treatment. its so frustrating, and painful. and the fact that this is due to an addiction that i dont have any control over is making me feel even worse.
im trying to figure out why she's doing this, like, she's shown shes competent, i genuinely cant understand how doing this is supposed to help me. how is putting me through this much pain going to help? its making me so unstable. and ik im going to relapse again at some point before i get to see her again.
im trying not to think about it anymore, because everytime i do i start crying again. its to the point where i have a killer headache and my eyes hurt so much from the amount of tears ive spilled.
i fucking hate this disorder so much. nobody but me would be this attached to their therapist. normal people would be able to cope with someone setting boundaries easily. this shouldnt be causing me to feel this way. its not fair. im so exhausted from having to hurt so much all the time, at this point its chronic, its become background noise, its my idle state, and im enraged about it.
i hope good omens season 2 lives up to my expectations.
- andrew
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ajchayapol · 7 months
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FINALLY WATCHING EPISODE 4
holy shit i've been so busy but -
ray is fucked all the way up.
tw: for discussions of mental ill health, mental illness, suicide and suicidal ideation
like the only reason he is holding on right now is cuz of mew and, later, sand.
it genuinely makes me wonder just how many times he's attempted, simply because it doesn't seem like he's any healthier than that moment two years before the events of the series.
as someone who's had to struggle through suicidal ideation and several attempts, i'll attest to the fact that it takes a while to come up with enough confidence to attempt.
ray is absolutely one of those people who is literally so calm with the concept of their own death, the consequences of their actions and habits because they "know" they're gonna kill themselves eventually anyway.
if mew hadn't come to find him, there's no guarantee that he would've actually died, but he definitely would've tried and tried again.
how many times has he gotten to that point?
how many times has he tried and failed?
that's the kinda guilt that sticks with you.
until you actually fully recover - and even then - you'll feel horrifically guilty that it's never worked, and worse still if it was somebody else who stopped you.
you'll feel guilty for wasting their time, for hurting their feelings, being selfish, or that they had to see you like that.
the weeks after are the worst ones.
it eats you up and you act like you're fine, but everybody treats you like you're fragile because everybody knows what happened, and there's concerned looks and its smothering and its so, so fucking hard.
and to me, that moment puts all of ray's behavior into context, because he's been living in those weeks after for two whole years.
the concerned looks, the guilt, the acting like you're fine so nobody wastes their time worried about you.
but, little by little, everyone's moved on. nobody's walking on eggshells around him anymore - they're way too comfortable calling him a burden - and the concern they once had has turned into exasperation.
its really painful to watch this man live in the shadows of his suicide attempt(s), and see all his friends view him as lesser for it.
its so much worse when you understand that mew was there. mew, who looks down on him and manipulates him, knows that he's almost entirely reliant on mew's affection and attention and constant reminders of love to live.
it's disgusting.
it puts ray's possessiveness of mew into perspective too.
because mew was the first person to say that he loved him, and mew is the one person he's relying on to love him. because he's literally staying alive for mew. if mew hadn't said that, ray would be dead.
and top comes in and sweeps mew off his feet and now ray is terrified that he's going to lose the one person he knows loves him.
and ray needs to keep mew happy, because otherwise mew might actually leave, and so he's at his beck and call and it's horrible because it's obvious that mew is aware of this.
worse still, the amount of attention sand is giving ray is gonna lead to ray latching on to him too. ray using sand as a lifeline, completely dependent on sand for the validation that literally keeps him alive - keeps him from shattering completely under the weight of his own non-existent self-esteem - is gonna actually fuck sand up. its gonna fuck him up.
ray needs professional help, and all the motherfuckers he surrounds himself with - obviously because he thinks he's unworthy of anything better - are just making him worse.
yeah this show is killing me.
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kogatism · 2 years
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I hate to be so negative in a time like this. Pride month just started, and I'm sure everyone is looking forward to Summer. However, I received some Earth shattering news.
As you all know, I have a cat named Mickey. He's the light of my life, my sunshine, my angel, my everything. I've considered him a son since I've had him. That said, I haven't had him for long. About 5 years ago is when I brought him home. He belonged to my bf at the time, but that bf was extremely abusive not just to me, but Mickey too. After he left, he tried to get Mickey back but I refused. Mickey had already become super attached to me and was actually terrified of him. Needless to say, I ended up keeping him.
He was in such horrible shape, because he was never taken to the vet. So he had a severe case of ear mites, wasn't neutered or micro-chipped. He also had a broken tooth. His upper left canine, it looked like it had been chipped somehow. I'm not sure what happened, but it's possible it's from being kicked in the face. I had witnessed my ex beating him on one occasion too, so it's very likely this was happening prior to me bringing him home.
Now Mickey wasn't a kitten when I received him. I actually don't know how old he is since my ex told me he was 13 but he did NOT have any indications of being that old. Plus he lied about fucking everything so I couldn't take his word for it. I assumed he was about 6 or 7 based on the condition of his teeth (besides that one chipped tooth)
Since then, I've made so many beautiful memories with him. He's seen me go through some really hard times of my life and he was always there. He was my shoulder to cry on. Whenever I'd get upset he'd pop up out of nowhere and make sure to give me lots of love and snuggles. I genuinely don't know where he came from, but he's quite literally an angel on Earth. One thing I know for sure is this cat loves me more than life itself, and he showed me what love is. I didn't know what love really was like. I have severe trust issues with people so no matter how much I'm told I'm loved there's still doubts. With him however? Animals don't lie, you know when they love you. I believe I'm just as important to him as he is to me.
That brings us to today. Or well, the last couple months. Beginning of April I noticed the upper left side of his face was really swollen. It was strange because it seemed to had happened overnight. He wasn't giving off any impression that he was in pain but I had a feeling it was dental related. I took a look at his teeth and noticed the upper left canine (the tooth that was chipped) was EXTREMELY loose. Like I could've pulled it out with my bare hands, but I didn't. We called the vet right away and they removed the tooth, and gave us some medicine. I gave him the medicine as instructed, and we brought him back a couple more times to make sure everything was okay, which it had seemed to. The swelling went down significantly, his breath wasn't bad anymore. It all seemed okay. Fast forward to last weekend, I noticed his face began to look really puffy again. His breath was also really bad like it was before the tooth had been pulled. Of course it concerned me, but we couldn't call the vet until Tuesday so I got onto a live chat with a vet to get any type of opinion on what I should do and what it may be. I was told it was probably an abcess that needed an operation to be drained and closed properly. Which is pretty extreme but for his comfort I was willing to do, that's when we took him in on Tuesday after calling. Upon further inspection they decided to put him in for surgery the next day (today) to have it cleaned out. They gave us medicine too to help fight off any infection and ease pain.
Little did I know when I sent him off to surgery, I'd receive the worst news of my life. I was of course worried about him, but I didn't think it could get any worse. I was wrong. My dad came home and when i went out to the hallway i saw he was on the phone, and my mom was standing there. The look on her face said it all. Something is wrong with Mickey. Also, I don't live with my mom so it was strange for her to be there. This is when i was told that what's in his upper lip is a tumor. Meaning he has some form of cancer. It's also an aggressive cancer, which would be extremely difficult to treat and also very expensive. They were trying to get a sample to send off to see exactly what type of cancer it is but there was no luck in retrieving that sample. He's still alive, but we don't know how much longer he has.
To hear this news, it feels like my whole world is falling apart. I feel like life is punishing me for something. Even then, why him? Why my baby? He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be in pain, and doesn't deserve to suffer. I didn't ever think that I would have to be thinking about the end of his life right now. I was thinking for many more years... but here we are. It truly feels like losing a child. To me he is no different than a child. He was my biggest reason to keep living. I struggle with su***dal thoughts, so whenever I begin to think about it I think about it I would think about Mickey to help me come back and be like okay I can't do this my baby needs me.
But what now? How am i going to be able to cope with this... and we got to bring him home so I'm able to keep snuggling him and loving him for as long as he's here and for that I am grateful. However I don't want to put him through too much pain, and I don't know what to expect or how much longer he will have. He could pull through on a miracle but we're more than likely not going to go through with chemo or any of that just because it's so expensive, also really stressful and painful for him. He doesn't deserve to suffer at my expense.
I don't know what else to say... other than... please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. He's such a beautiful soul, and I just don't want him to be in pain anymore. I can only hope he heals but I can't get my hopes up, so I just want him to be comfortable. If he's gonna go I'm gonna be there. Will it be the worst day of my life? Absolutely, but this cat genuinely was an angel sent to me. I was his angel. I love you so much Mickey, you'll always be my special guy no matter what.
I'm really sorry again for this negativity, but I hope you can all understand.
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kierancampire · 2 years
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I'm sorry this is incredibly long, my anxiety about it all is quite severe as i am so scared they are going to choose to not continue my tenancy once December rolls around, to which i am truly fucked as i have literally nothing if that happens, so i am so scared of it but as stated, i feel being so persistent on this and risking that is worth standing up for myself and doing what i feel is right. So with all that said, i got an automatic response to say the person is out of office, but i just sent this Email to Swan, so no going back now:
I'm sorry if this is not the place to do this, i keep contacting Swan through the feedback form and hearing nothing, so i assume it doesn't work. Can i have this raised to a stage 3 please?
Again, i have had no apology from Swan for giving me the flat the state it was in, especially considering i was given it in Winter and when we had bad storms and all of that was going into my flat. The illnesses i had, the pain i was in, how cold i was, i don't see how any of that met Swans standards.
I still have not received a sincere apology for blaming me for causing the mould, i have been told sorry for "feeling" like the initial response blames me for the mould, and had it denied it does, but when the letter factually in writing states "... all the trickle vents were jammed closed, this was causing the mould." that says nothing about the walls, ceiling, or state of my windows causing it.
I also cannot count the amount of appointments i have had with Axis that have lead literally nowhere, or have lead to me just making other appointments because the current person can't/won't do anything until another issue is sorted. I booked an appointment for my mould wash a month in advance, to have that cancelled on me with no notice, even though i have been trying to get this issue sorted since January/February time. And now even recently, i had an appointment booked with a roofer and it was specifically stated multiple times it was a roofer, to be told a roofer had never been booked to see me. And now, again, when apparently the actual roofer comes over, he didn't do anything, and again, i have been told i need to book an appointment next week to have him over after i have already booked 2 appointments with him. And i have honestly had about 15+ people come and take photos of my mould, only the most recent one actually went to remove it, but couldn't, but then what were all the appointments before that? What have i spent months attempting? I could forgive these if they were individual incidents, but when i have had so many appointments like this over such a long space of time, again, i just don't see a quality of standard there.
Lastly, being honest in a way i maybe shouldn't be. As has been stated previously, i know i maintain my rent, my council tax, i try my best to maintain the property within my capable parameters, to my knowledge no neighbours have complained of me, but i am scared of complaining as i am scared of my tenancy not being continued. But this has taken such a severe toll on my mental health, my anxiety has been the worst it's been in a while, my insomnia has been the worst it's been in a while, I'm still currently trying to come out of a rather severe depression, something i haven't had happen in a while. All of this has purely been from the stress of trying to sort out these issues in my flat, these appointments, the communication issues, and the fact i have been unable to do a lot in my flat due to the state it was in and continues to be in, and also what i went through in Winter. And for me, the risk of what i feel could be a severe future problem is worth trying to be happy and comfortable.
Again, in all honesty, i am scared to say this and to be blunt due to any future repercussions, even though i believe i have done nothing wrong and am just trying to resolve pre-existing issues. But i have always responded to Swan/Axis, I've let you know if appointment times do not work for me, I've maintained being respectful to everyone, I've been friendly or at the very least civil to anyone I've spoken to, I've done as much as i can to maintain my flat and uphold Swans policies and procedures. But i do just constantly feel so disrespected from almost every contact i have had with Swan and Axis, and i know i am one of many tenants that you manage to you, but for me, this is my life, this is my home, and it's had such a heavy impact on me, and when there has been no acknowledgement and no sincere apology for that, it upsets me.
I know i could love living here, this flat is a beautiful flat, it felt good to be here initially, the things i have set up to decorate it are going to look great, and everyone who has seen this flat has loved it for the same reasons i fell in love with it, it could be such a wonderful property. But these issues are holding back its potential and that's what i just want resolved, i want to feel so proud to live here and to be eager to show it off, i want to tell people with pride that it's a Swan property, but i can't do any of that while these issues persist. So can i please have this raised to a stage 3 and can i please just get these things resolved?
I have checked this over a lot as i am scared people would make many alterations to this and my anxiety aboit this all is extremely severe, and i struggle with comunication, especially formal communication, as i never know what is correct to say. So i apologise in advance if anything has seemed too forward or aggressive, that is not my intentions. I truly was and still am so grateful for Swan to allow me to move into this property, and i would happily live here for an extended period of time if Swan agrees, but i do just want these issues resolved. Thank you for your time in reading this and i hope you have a good week.
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sadlittlestray · 1 month
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health vent
i'm very lucky i found a good PT literally 60 seconds from where i live who understands and respects CFS and is willing to learn about hEDS and help me with increasing my joint stability so i don't constantly pull things out of place standing stock still and maybe reduce my hip/knee pain etc. etc. but at the same time we still haven't found a good balance between making progress vs. triggering PEM and my health in general is taking a very bad turn since starting PT :( my POTS symptoms are a lot worse than they were before even though i'm working to increase my cardio endurance (verrry slowly... there will be someone three times my age just flyin by on the elliptical next to me without much perceived trouble meanwhile i can't go above 3 MPH (average walking speed for adults) without my heart rate exceeding 200 BPM right away and triggering my asthma and it still gets that high by the time i've done 5 minutes at that speed lol). in general my fatigue is the worst it's been in years. i've had to start using more aids to get anything done (cane, shower chair, impact mats, ergonomic kitchen tools, using chairs more often) and lately i can't even eat the few things i keep in the house that i can a) afford b) tolerate and c) prepare reliably. i've always had to eat slow but lately i've had to take several hours to eat meals that i used to take maybe 30 minutes to eat before (and those are the things that are most agreeable to my stomach) because my motility issues are so much worse than they ever have been, eating more than a couple bites makes me feel fucking awful but i also feel worse when i haven't eaten obviously. and i've started noticing that sometimes meals will cause my heart to start racing, though i haven't been able to pin down a pattern so i'm not sure what the cause is yet or if it's even anything i can control. my sensory issues are so much worse, too - it's gotten better with age to an extent, but i've also worked really hard to challenge myself to periodically try things i've not liked in the past and i've expanded my horizons quite a bit. but lately i've been averse to foods that are normally fine so much that it causes me full-body pain until it's out of my mouth so a lot of times i've gone to prepare something i normally eat and not only does it hurt digestive-ways but also sensory-ways so i can't eat it at all (or have to spend even more time picking out whatever is causing the problem and be on edge the whole time that i missed something). i had overwhelming sensory issues as a kid but i think i forgot just how viscerally bad it was lol. re: the motility issues i need to start eating smaller meals more frequently but that's even more time preparing things and i can't currently realistically afford many ready-to-eat foods that i can actually tolerate, everything i can scrape together needs to be prepared in some way (even if with just microwaving or boiling water or chucking it in a rice cooker). i can't even go to the store by myself anymore and i know i'll figure it out but with the few hours and little energy i have to do anything and the unreliability of whether or not i can drive anywhere myself (used to be like two or three times a month i would spend my best energy days to drive to the store, i've gone to the store one (1) time since starting PT in december) this is a bigger task than it should be and with everything else going on i feel like i'm in freefall... i'm very grateful i finally have a foothold to get into a doctor's office much less get them to maybe listen a little sometimes if they're nice and they feel like it. but it's been 13 years since i've been saying something's *really* wrong and while i've done my best to make peace with my body and health it's still just a lot to deal with sometimes
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about "Sixteen"
i started hrt in 2019 when i was 43 years old. to say that i've spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like if i'd started earlier is an understatement. i've literally lost decades of my life to an untreated medical condition which we now know to be easily and safely treatable.
seeing people younger than me transition fills me with a sense of intense joy. i can't put into words how happy it makes me to know that people younger than me don't have to suffer like i did. at the same time, whether it's helpful to me or not, i do often wonder what my life would be like if i hadn't lost several decades of it due to nothing more than senseless bigotry and hatred. "senseless bigotry and hatred" is all transphobia really boils down to.
there's a reason i wrote "sixteen" the way i did. i simply cannot imagine transitioning before i actually did. the protagonist of "sixteen" talks about reading about gender on the internet when she was 13 and thinking about it and realizing "I don't think I want to be a boy" as if it was the simplest thing in the world, which it is, but i just couldn't do that, not just because i couldn't get on the internet at the time but because all of the information about being trans i had access to was lies. the only way i can imagine transition being a genuine possibility for me is imagining what it would be like to have been born 30 years later.
having said that, i don't remotely feel that my life is "hopeless" or that i "never had a chance". being a trans woman is not simply about pain and loss for me, although that's always going to be a part of it. i never expected to have a chance. even when i actually transitioned, i expected that my doing so would be futile, that it was too late. i am still, more than three years later, surprised and baffled at how wrong i was.
being an out trans woman in 2023 is hard and it sucks and every one of us has to put up with things nobody should ever have to put up with, on a daily basis, just to survive, just to exist. and it's still so much more than i ever dreamed was possible. i'm not moses on a mountaintop surveying a promised land i'll never set foot in. for me, this is the promised land. i live here.
i get to exist. i guess that's something a lot of people take for granted, but i don't. to go from non-being to being is such tremendous joy. all of the loss, the fear, the misery, all of it pales next to the joy and sense of meaning i feel on even on my worst days. i get it now. i get why people are glad to have been born, glad to be alive. honestly, for me, being alive often really sucks and hurts a lot, but i want to keep doing it for as long as i can anyway.
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justtogetthrough · 1 year
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I spent FOUR GOD DAMN HOURS at a walk in clinic tonight to get my stitches out because my arm has not been healing well, I was worried they'd fall open like the other one did and didn't wanna deal with it, and the stitches are really tight and i wasn't sure I could maneuver scissors one handed and just... overall didn't wanna deal with it.
But where I'm from we don't have walk in clinics so I wasn't expecting to wait FOUR HOURS. The small town hospital would have been quicker than this city clinic. I was getting more and more distressed and was about to leave to come home and get really high and just rip them out of me because I'm so sick of how painful they are. Then the doctor called me in.
I took off my sweater and explained I usually just take these out myself but I'm not healing well, this other one with all the steristrips popped back open when I removed the stitches, and I'm also kinda concerned these ones are infected so wanted someone else to do it this time.
He took one look and was like holy shit yeah that's infected, I am absolutely not taking those stitches out right now with all that going on because you don't want open wounds with that much infection. You need to clear up the infection and probably leave the stitches in for 10-12 days in order to have a chance to finally heal. (I explained today is day 8 so they're due to come out, nevermind that I usually never leave them in past 4 or 5 days...)
So anyway it's so bad he not only gave me 10 days worth of antibiotics but also LITERAL NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS because of how nasty it looks. I didnt even ask for painkillers, he straight up offered. And I feel so vindicated because now I realize my arm has been infected for probably like 5 or 6 days and that I'm not being a baby with how severe and unbearable the pain has been. I told him I've been using a topical antibiotic with lidocaine to try to control the pain and asked why the antibiotic part didn't treat this and he was basically like, a topical ointment won't do shit for what you have going on unfortunately.
I went to the clinic for 5 pm when they opened so I took the dressing off around 3 to dry out the ointment and stuff so he could remove the stitches, and the 7 hours of not having antibiotic cream on it has really shown that that shit was merely holding the infection back, minimally, at best. In the 7 hours it's been uncovered my skin has become so swollen and blistered and it's actually so painful I can't turn the key in my car or even shift from park/drive/reverse or do anything with my arm that requires force or strength.
And I almost walked out of that clinic before being seen because I didn't bring any meds with me or anything to do and wasn't prepared for hours of waiting around sick people who were so god damn overstimulating and so I was on the brink of meltdown all night. My friend offered to come sit with me at 9 after class if I was still waiting and I told them if I'm not seen by 9 I'm going to decapitate myself in the god damn waiting room. And then suggested maybe they don't wanna be around me while I'm this distressed lol. Thankfully the doctor called me in 5 mins later.
My arm is fucking gnarly and I'm putting the lidocaine cream back on it because my arm is so puffy it looks like it's being suffocated by the stitches. I wonder if I have a hydrocortisone cream. I am so motherfuckimg distressed by this and a systemic infection probably explains why I've spent so much of the last 3 days sleeping (I fell asleep during a meeting today even, and have done almost zero work this week) and why my other wounds aren't healing and why my skin is blistering from medical tape and idk just a whole assortment of things that have been weird but not evidently something serious on their own.
At least now I know why this hurts so god damn much ;___;
The antibiotics are supposed to start helping by 24 hours so wish me luck.
This has been the worst 3 weeks of a loooong time and I'm fucking mad about everything.
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mariska · 2 years
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dude. idk how relatable this is as a Digitized Thought cus idk if its something other people see on tv as often as i do or if it doesnt air in other regions etc etc but as someone with graves disease that i've been struggling to maintain serious symptoms of for almost 10 years now alongside other co-morbid diseases and health problems. it is so ridiculously panic inducing to see those psa ads that air at least once per hour and a half some days/nights where it literally just says "if you have graves disease theres a FIFTY PERCENT CHANCE you're going to develop a horrible additional eye disease and your eyeballs are going to feel like sunburned lava for the rest of your miserable life!!! heres a bunch of dramatic slow-mo shots of people with your disease having super bloodshot eyes and exhausted expressions because they have the eye disease and you're probably gonna have it too so count your days!!! also google our site or whatever no we arent going to give you any actual helpful information in this ad we just wanted you to know how much this shit sucks lol. anyways bye"
like!?!?!? i know by life experience and the reactions of people around me over the years that i'm definitely not in the majority of popular opinions when it comes to any psa ads in general (i also struggle with serious panic inducing paranoia often that is almost always triggered by a fear or worry or bad possibility being presented to me without an immediate clear and understandable resolution to that problem) because i am very very afraid of like 90% of them but. it just feels extra cruel to do that on a platform where i as a viewer have so little control over whether or not that very real disease progression that probably will affect me sometime soon in my life is just thrown in my face when i'm trying to do anything with a tv on somewhere. i understand that information about under-researched diseases and auto-immune diseases and symptoms is vital for many people but the reason i understand that is because *i* am one of those people???? i have to think and worry and problem solve about these symptoms every minute of my life and i am not rich, i don't come from a rich family, most of my diseases began progressing into dangerous symptoms when i was a literal child before i had even turned 18 and there is no proper health care system in place in the country i do not have any resources or ability to leave probably ever. like. man. i'm just exhausted of having to see it all the time. with all the personal data the internet steals about me 24/7 you'd think i could maybe get a break from being reminded that i was born a bit too early to get all of the hypothetical treatment i'd need to live a long and fulfilling life with genetic diseases in between bumpers on comedy central at like 9 pm.
anyways. once again i know this is a niche thing to ramble about, apologies for the random block of text out of nowhere, i'm just so stressed about it because it just happened again a little while ago and the painful eye symptoms have always been one of the worst graves disease things i've had to just live with since i was a teenager. i woke up with weird severe pain on my eyeball this morning, not the lid or like a stye or pink eye, like as if someone strained my literal eyeball muscles somehow, and it came back really bad again right when that stupid ad popped up on tv before i took my night medications and it just felt like such a gut punch for no reason. now i'm all paranoid again that It's Happening and im at The Beginning Of The End Of Having Sight In Both Eyes and there was no reason for me to be sent into an anxiety spiral about it.
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longlostzoldyck · 2 years
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healing touch
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maki zenin x f!reader
wc: 1.6 words, mdni, sexual content (18+)
warnings/tags: domestic fluff lol, smut, mommy kink, slight dumbification, use of sex toys
summary: you're having some of the worst period cramps of your life, but your girlfriend maki is an absolute angel who takes care of you until you feel better.
notes: we're not going to talk about how i was gone for a couple of days but i am back with a self-indulgent treat lol cause im in severe pain cause of period cramps. i've been working on a series intermittently and im actually trying to plan this out before i start posting it, but aghh my brain hurts. i have the first chapter ready for it, but i only have like less than half of it planned?? idk lol we'll see how i progress as i start having to deal with university work. hope someone enjoys and im sorry in advance lol its not my best xx thea
you had been in bed for so long you wanted to be anywhere but there. on one hand you were grateful you had a girlfriend who adored you enough to be at your beck and call while you were dealing with severe period cramps, but on the other hand you also wanted to feel somewhat useful.
today maki had to leave to train and work out for a bit so you were alone for the morning. you barely even noticed it since you slept in after falling asleep at dawn. your cramps were just destroying you as of late. it literally felt like someone was stretching out your insides and no matter how many painkillers you'd take, you'd still feel the dull pain attacking your stomach.
by the time you woke up she was in the shower. you turned over moving the heating pad off your stomach feeling the heat starting to burn your skin. she emerged from your bathroom already dressed in a crop top and cozy pants with a towel in her hand for her still damp hair. you turned groaning at the light sting coming from your stomach.
"now why'd you do that," she teased leaning over you to press a soft kiss to your lips.
"just wanted a kiss from my girlfriend," you stated so matter of factly only to tease her further. she rolled her eyes with a smile kissing you shortly again before standing properly.
"how's the pain today?, she asked sitting next to you and still twisting her hair in the towel.
"if i don't move from my current position, it is fine," you responded. "other than that, i'm pretty much fucked."
"have you eaten?," she asked next. you shook your head and she simply narrowed her eyes at you in response. you simply extended your arms to her in a grabby motion, wanting to feel her close to you already.
she tossed the towel into your bathroom then shifting closer to you. you smiled inching your way even closer to her until you wrapped your arms around her waist and she pulled you into her embrace.
"you're so cozy," she chuckled softly at your words rubbing soft circles into your skin. "thank you for staying in with me."
"you don't have to thank me," she responded pressing a kiss to your head. you knew she was right because you'd return the favor whenever her period came too.
you stayed in bed for the rest of the day simply enjoying each other's presence. you watched some movies and just cuddled as the cramps continued to rock through your body. by the time you were finishing your third movie of the day, you noticed the sun was starting to go down as the amber rays peaked into your room.
at this point you were laying between maki's legs, your arms wrapped around the other in a tight embrace. as the credits rolled you shifted slightly in her arms then turning your face to hers. she shifted her eyes down to you, holding your gaze for a moment before moving on to your lips. you leaned up capturing her lips between yours pulling her in for a sensual kiss.
you slotted your lips against each other savoring one another as you melted into her. she was surprisingly hesitant against you, leaving you to take the lead and slip your tongue into her mouth. she moaned softly in your lips which only spurred you on as you continued making out passionately.
"mommy," you mumbled against her lips hoping it would spur her to take control and spoil you for the night.
"you're driving me insane, pretty girl," she replied. you could even hear how she was holding back in her voice, trying to keep her tone steady and not just completely devour you on the spot.
"i want you to make me feel good, mommy," you said against her lips and she simply groaned diving back into your lips.
"don't worry about a thing, angel. mommy's got you."
you moaned into her mouth which she took as an opportunity to stick her tongue into your mouth, massaging it against yours. the pain in your stomach began to melt away more and more as she left you moaning and breathless against her lips.
she moved her hands down your waist groping your sides before making it down to your plump ass. maki loved running her hands up and down your body, squeezing and relishing in the feeling of your skin against hers. she pinched your plush thighs leaving you mewling in her mouth and needing more.
"mommy, please... more," you practically begged into the kiss.
"my little girl has been in so much pain recently. my poor little baby, gonna have to make you cum till you can't think anymore."
"please mommy," she smiled at your response so eager for her affection.
she softly turned you in her grasp to have you laying face up as she leaned to the side reaching into the bedside table. you could only imagine what toy she had in mind for you. her enhanced strength made it so she could easily manhandle you which was especially convenient in times like this when you didn't want to move. she moved you up her body slightly then pressing her lips to the side of you neck.
the familiar sound of one of your favorite vibrators filled the room. you jolted in in her arms feeling her running the toy up the inside of your thigh leaving you practically shaking. maki could be sadistic with her teasing when she wanted to. she was incredibly tempted by your angelic moans and gasps to tease you until your couldn't take it anymore, but she also wanted to ease your pain and have you cumming for hours. it was quite a toss up.
"gonna make you feel so good, baby," she said moving the vibrator over your mound on top of your underwear. you sighed feeling the soft vibrations hovering just above from where you wanted them. she smiled at the sight of having you sighing so mindlessly from her lingering touches as she tugged your underwear to the side and pressed the vibrator directly against you skin. "my poor little baby just needs to cum to make her tummy feel better."
she finally ran the vibrator up your slit leaving you a moaning mess from the sheer contact. she finally settled the vibrating wand against your clit bringing a new level of pleasure to your poor little bundle of nerves.
"s-so good, mommy," you moaned out reaching back for her. she tilted your head back softly planting her lips against yours in a kiss that left you breathless. you were in a different stratosphere of pleasure simply feeling your body buzzing in anticipation of your building orgasm.
you just moaned helplessly in her grasp, digging your nails in the arm wrapped around your body and holding the vibrator over your clit. you clutched on to her tighter and tighter as your first orgasm rushed through you. she smiled into your neck sucking on the skin gleefully as you rode out your orgasm. you began to groan against her lips as you became more and more overstimulated by the vibrator that she kept pressed snugly against your clit.
"too much," you managed to string together the words as you reached behind you for her, but she didn't move the toy, instead drawing painful circles around your clit. you squirmed in her grasp as tears started to gather in your eyes. "mo-", you moaned throwing your head back even more losing yourself in the blinding pleasure deep in your stomach.
"what was that, angel?," she whispered against the shell of your ear slowing the movements on your clit which left you reeling in her grasp. "do you want me to slow down?"
"no, no, no," you begged letting out a deep sigh as she slowly began to pick up her pace.
"my little girl looks so pretty when she's about to cum," she cooed in your ear as she pinched one of her nipples with her free hand.
you were cumming in her arms again with a scream as the pleasure and pain of such subsequent orgasms shot through you. you sunk your nails into her arm sure you had to have drawn blood. you just saw white as the pleasure crashed through you. maki held you as you slowly regained consciousness.
you looked down to maki's arm seeing you hadn't actually drawn blood but left deep crescent marks down her arm. you smiled rubbing your fingers over the marks lovingly. maki adored when you marked her up, carrying the remnants of your affection for days afterwards. she'd catch a glance of herself in a mirror and see some hickey or nail mark and just smile at the thought of you.
maki drew your attention back to her when she cupped your cheek and pulled you in for a loving kiss. you let out a breathless sigh in between kisses as she just attacked you in sweet kisses.
"you're so good to me," you gushed against her lips reaching up to run your fingers through her hair to deepen your innocent kiss.
"i love you, baby. it's sort of part of the deal," she teased you, giving you the bit of reassurance you needed. you gently turned in her lap straddling her hips properly and slotting your lips back together.
"i know and i love you too," you responded. you both smiled into the kiss as maki ran her hands down your body cupping your plump cheeks in her hands again. you let out an unexpected moan against her lips as she continued to squeeze your ass in her hands.
"you didn't think i was done with you yet, did you?," she questioned before sliding her tongue back into your moan basically sucking whatever air you had in your lungs. she wasn't lying when she said she was going to make you cum until you couldn't think.
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Ons chapter 112
I literally jumped up and needed to walk off my anger before continuing to read.
Yuu having such severe attachment issues was fine at first, it's an interesting character trait and plot device. But the thing with character's flaws and problems is that they're supposed to outgrow and get over them.
I've always found it great that Mika and Yuu have completely opposite coping mechanisms. They have shared trauma, tho with different aftermath, but they have entirely contradicting reactions. Both of them were harmed by adults, especially vampires, so Mika figures that he shouldn't trust anyone without good reason so as to not get harmed further, while Yuu is so desperate to find someone he can trust and be loved by that he latches on to literally anyone, not caring if he gets hurt by them; he just wants to be useful because he thinks that'll gain him affection.
Mika has gotten over his trust issues by accepting Yuu's friends and understanding that they're important to Yuu. But Yuu is not showing the slightest progress.
His entire backstory is about how he lost his family. His first "parents" wanted to kill him and his orphanage family was massacred right in front of him, him being the only survivor giving him survivor's guilt and making him eternally depressed and suicidal. He wanted to take revenge against the vampires for taking his family from him, right? Then why is he, upon finding the murderers, not displaying ANY hatred or aggression?
He says because Guren is family. But does that justify ANYTHING? So many people irl struggle with their own family's abuse and whether they should forgive them or not. And now Yuu tells us that as long as they're family they can do anything with you. That is the worst advice. Yes, family is important and the key word in this manga, I get that. But it's unfortunately giving the complete opposite idea of what one is actually supposed to think. If someone has wronged you but not displayed any attempt at bettering themselves then why should you forgive them? They're just gonna harm you again and you don't deserve that. It doesn't matter who does it, if they hurt you then get away from them. Save yourself.
Now, it's already bad enough that he forgives him for killing his precious family after preaching about how he's gonna avenge them. But what's even dumber is that Mika was cut into two by Guren HIMSELF, not even Ferid or anyone else, and Yuu again immediately spiralled into suicidal behaviour but he doesn't blame Guren for even a second. Mika was Yuu's reason to live, he said so himself, there's nothing and nobody more important to him than Mika, but as soon as Guren kills him he's not even mad?? Just depressed? Forgiving him for this is imo way worse than forgiving him for having Ferid kill the other kids.
Imagine how Mika feels rn. He is watching as Yuu blindly forgives his murderer. I'd be absolutely fucking pissed.
What's even worse is, the other kids also forgive him??? Everyone agrees with Yuu? They haven't even known Guren for as long. Yuu said that he's forever grateful to Guren for getting him out of his suicidal tendencies and giving him a reason to live. But the others don't have such a connection to him. So why would they forgive him? Besides, he's the reason why they even went through all that in the first place. So there's nothing to be thankful for. (Perhaps they lied about forgiving him to ease the tension and get him to talk. And later they go back to hating him or something. Especially Yoichi and Kimizuki. That'd be interesting.)
Guren is manipulative and abusive as well as a murderer. Just as the other adults in the manga he takes advantage of the kids and uses them as tools, making them dependent on him after he killed their families.
There is no excuse for that. Even if Guren has his reasons.
The kids have been through the worst pain, Mika having died twice, so why forgive him?
Because family.
That's fucking ridiculous.
What would've been better is if Yuu said he isn't ready to forgive him and perhaps never will be but he's gonna tolerate Guren for the sake of the plot and finally getting answers. That way they would've been able to still stay and work together but not be so irrationally close again.
I understand that Yuu sees Guren as some kind of adoptive parent. But again, your abuser being your family doesn't make it okay. You are worth more than being used and kicked around.
The main character is supposed to be interesting, not stupid.
A reason why the Twilight Saga is so infamous is that Edward is literally dangerous to Bella but she still stays with him cause she loves and trusts him. Edward never harmed her, tho he'd killed before, so she stays with him. Now, in ons Guren DOES harm our characters. And Yuu still stays with him. THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TWILIGHT SITUATION. (No Twilight hate tho)
Guren is also not a misunderstood badboy who suffers under his own bloodlust. He's just abusive.
Don't get me wrong, I don't despise him. He is an interesting character. I just think that I'd never be able to forgive him if I was one of the kids.
Also, I can read stories that I don't morally agree with. Ofc I can and I regularly do. So this isn't my problem here. I merely find this chapter's message horrible and emotions unrealistic.
And I doubt I have to mention that I finally want answers. We've been waiting for so long.
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scarlettriot · 3 years
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For All The Uterus Owners
What the MHA boys do to make you feel better during that time of the month when you are in absolute PAIN!
Warning: 18+ content below the cut. Mentions of sexy times. And period things, obviously. Mild cursing. 18 and under DNI
A/N: Yes, I am projecting. No, I don't care a single bit.
Midoriya
. This man knows your cycle better than you do!
. It might seem annoying but Midoriya just uses all the knowledge he's gathered to make it this time as comfortable as it possibly can be.
. During the days leading up to your period, he will stock up on all your favorite snacks, make sure the heating pad is easily accessible and he buys pain meds in bulk!
. Throughout your period, Midoriya will do little things to make your day easier.
. He'll always make sure you have a glass of water because hydration is important.
. He will throw your towel in the dryer while you shower so it's warm when you're done.
. Absent minded massages for your shoulders, feet, legs, chest. Things like that.
. "I just want you to be as comfortable as you can, doll."
. He knows when your worst days are and will do whatever he can to make them less painful. If you're irritable and want him to fuck off, he will. If you want cuddled until you're sick of him, he'll do that too!
. Hero work will come up but he does his best to check in with you in case you need him to bring anything home.
. The one thing he hasn't ever been too comfortable with is sex during this time. He's tried, poor man really has but he just cannot.
. But, he knows how much it can help SO! Whatever toys you want, he'll get them. You want dirty talk or phone sex, he'll be at the top of his game! Anything to help you, during this time, he doesn't give a single crap about his own pleasure.
. He will pounce on you the moment it's over though and I hope you didn't plan on walking anywhere in the days that follow.
Bakugo
. He might seem like he doesn't pay attention to these things but the man knows.
. He doesn't think about picking up pain meds or putting new batteries in the heating pad but without fail, you can find your favorite snack well stocked just before you're due to start.
. It might have taken him some getting used to but Bakugo has come to the decision (begrudgingly) that while you're on your period YOU are the one who gets to be full of sass and attitude.
. He does try his best to temper his anger around you during this time. He has his slip-ups but he's trying to not make you more irritable than you already are.
. That doesn't mean he lets you get away with shit though.
. You're still drinking that water he's brought you.
. You have to eat something other than sweats and salty treats.
. You're also are not allowed to miss that meeting for work.
. If you're cuddling, he will pop off tiny little explosions to heat his palms and rest them over your lower abdomen, your back, or your chest. Whatever is aching.
. If you suggest a little sexy time might help relieve a certain ache he'll be more than happy to aid you. But, HE will only suggest it if you're being particularly sassy, complaining too much.
. "Cramps bothering you? Bet I can make you forget about 'em."
. Bakugo will take it as a personal challenge to make you forget about the pain your damn uterus is causing you. The only one allowed to make you feel sore is him, damn it!
Todoroki
. This poor guy...
. Todoroki obviously knew what periods were, he has a sister but he didn't KNOW about them until he lived in the dorms of UA. (I headcanon that Ochaco had very, very bad cramps one day and missed training and when he asked Midoriya why she didn't go to Recovery Girl to fix it they decided it was time for an educational meeting).
. They're still a mystery to him for the most part. He knows they hurt you, make you double over in pain sometimes and it's not the kind of pain that can be healed through a quirk.
. He knows you like certain foods and that snuggling against his warm side makes you feel better.
. With his father's credit card, he will buy you whatever food you like. Tell you to book a day at the spa or whatever it is that will make you feel better.
. He's shocked you don't usually accept his offer and would rather just stay in, cuddling against him instead. Not that he minds after a long day of hero work.
. Todoroki will regulate his heat until you are comfortable, you practically pulling his leg across you and using him as your personal heating pad.
. "This can't be comfortable for you. Please, let me just get you something that's meant to help you."
. He has a hard time understanding that he is your favorite and that this actually is comfortable.
. You'll have to explain to him there are other things only he could do to help you too...you'll really have to explain it to him too.
. He's willing to give you what you need though as long as it gets rid of some of your pain.
. He is going to suggest doing it in the shower though, hoping to avoid making too much of a mess.
Kaminari
. Yeah, I think Kaminari is too scatterbrained to actually remember when your time of the month is. He picks up on the subtle changes in your mood quickly though when it's coming.
. When he does realize though, he's at the store that very day throwing literally EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in the cart that even has the possibility of making you feel better.
. From food to medication, to stuffed animals, to video games, to board games... it's all going in the cart.
. This is how you ended up with the life-sized teddy bear that now sits in the corner of your room...
. Take-out happens every single night. He'd try and cook if you asked him but you know that's probably safer to just let him be generous and order in.
. Big time promoter of snuggles!
. Big time promoter of period sex!
. "It helps! Or, that's what I've been told... I'm just sayin' we could give it a shot!"
. And it did help. Because of that, it is now one of the first things he suggests doing when you are even just a smidge irritable.
. You can chuck the life-sized bear at him. He won't take it personally.
. It might come off as annoying but, he does everything he can to get you feeling wonderful again. Expending all his efforts on you. Doing everything he can to be a buzzy distraction and get you to smile.
Kirishima
. Not nearly as detailed as Midoriya is but also not as aloof as Bakugo. Kirishima cares about you and your health and he sure as hell isn't afraid to show it.
. He'll take a peak where he knows you store your feminine products a few days before you're due to start and then go out to the store to pick up anything you might be running low on. You seriously haven't had to buy anything for yourself. He learned after like two months of dating.
. While there, he will also make sure you have plenty of snacks as well as actual food for meals because keeping your energy up is just as important as making sure you're comfortable.
. When he isn't off being the sturdy hero he is, he's your comfort hero at home.
. Wrapping you both up in the heated blanket, he has to stick a leg out so he doesn't overheat but he'll be damned if he gives up cuddles just because he's a little warm.
. During this time, Kirishima will do everything he can to make sure you aren't lifting a finger! He's had cramps before, in his legs and arms from working out and his several growth spurts, he can't imagine how you deal with them month after month!
. He'll offer to do just about anything for you normally but that goes double when it's your time of the month.
. Massages are his favorite way to help you though. They usually always turn into something more not that either of you complains.
. He will let you take the lead every single time.
. "Just tell me what I can do to help. Whatever you need, pebble, just tell me."
. That statement is always said multiple times over the course of your period but with different contexts.
. Going to the store, running you a bath, getting medicine from the pantry, dicking you down until you're speechless... you know, whatever you need.
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lnlii-archive · 3 years
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I actually genuinely need to talk to somebody I think. My mental health is just not good rn. I am having nightmares about my ex best friend every night and for several nights this week ive been literally unable to sleep despite exhaustion because my anxiety was so bad that my heart rate literally wouldn't go down. It's literally all related to terf stuff too like it sounds ridiculous but when you spend your entire life in the liberal thought cult and suddenly you think differently...it literally...like I get what conservatives are saying it truly does feel like you're going mad. I feel like I have this horrible dirty secret and anyone I meet will just explode at me if they find out my beliefs. I was big traumatized by being cancelled last year I think like I've never been hated on that scale before and I've never had it be connected to God like. To be shunned from a faith community makes it even worse bc I had no one but God to talk to then. And literally every media I turn on reinforces the idea that I am this dirty hateful outsider. It feels like everyone is in the gender cult but me it's so fucking scary because I KNOW NOW that it's hurting people on a massive scale and it's scaling back rights for women and LG people but if you say that then you're an evil person. Idk lately I feel just so heavy and hostile because truly I didnt hate trans people when I became a feminist but like. It's getting there it really is. How can you not resent the people who universally have always bullied you and assumed the worst about you? I need to learn moderation and non black and white thinking like I know theyre not all like that but I am in so so so much pain and have nobody on planet earth to confide in and it's hurting my heart LITERALLY. I cant even think about dating without my BPM going up to like 200 and then I have to stop thinking about it because it's just too much. I dont think I'm a wretch but I think the entire world does and lately I don't even want to meet new people. Or rather I desperately do but I know it'll just reopen old scars. I don't follow the herd so I'm Bad. The miseries of thinking youre bad and the whole world thinking you're bad are the same.
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