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#i'm so tired of struggling alone
poorly-drawn-mdzs · 9 months
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Why would you—That's not—I just wanted to ask for help, why did you have to go and make it awkward???
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sailor-aviator · 6 months
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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ayo-edebiri · 8 months
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I don't feel good, haven't for days, and I got less than an hour of sleep. So apologies ahead of times if I don't comprehend things. I haven't been able to these past few days.
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sibelin · 10 months
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i'll pretend i didn't just have breakdown like i do five times a week ✌️
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sadistikitteh · 4 months
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I was hoping I'd maybe step out of hiatus soon, but I'm having a lot of trouble just...doing stuff generally.
not getting proper sleep doesn't help but I did get a good amount today but already I'm too exhausted to even think about writing...
there's like personal stuff on top of the world stuff to stress about, and nothing's letting up at the worst time of the year for there to be no easing and I'm just...frustrated. I'm frustrated this is all I can do.
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ninefoldrin · 3 months
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I really don't want to be known by my age. It doesn't reflect who I am but leaves me with a sense of expectations that I don't think I'll ever be able to fulfill.
#I find it hard to relate to my peers.#I find it hard to relate to people older than me.#I find it hard to relate to people younger than me.#And the expectations for a girl my age do not at all fit with my life.#I'm a disappointment.#When my age is not a recognized factor people are kinder and more understanding. I feel so much more human.#But when my age is known suddenly there are new expectations for me.#My worth. My motivations. People's estimation of my character.#It all fucking changes when my age is known.#I'm a lazy worthless burden. I'm a potential threat. I'm deviant. I'm unlovable.#I feel as though people think there's something wrong with me for me to end up where I am now.#All I've ever needed was help and support.#All I have ever wanted is love and care.#But I've been struggling alone for half of my life.#I've been trying so hard to make progress for half of my life with no help.#I couldn't even get the meds I need to sort of function until last month.#And there has been no one there to ever help me.#Plenty of friends who want to help but they're scattered all over the world and don't really have the capacity to help me anyway.#I'm so lonely. I'm so tired.#I'm not even *that* old... But I'm old enough that my fucked up life isn't seen as understandable anymore.#I always dread the question 'how old are you'#Because I know that whatever someone thinks of me before they hear the number will change the moment they do.#There's very few people with whom I can relate at all.#I'm a broken mess with half a lifetime of stagnation.#I'm about to be another year older and I just wish I could forget my age entirely.
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screaming--agony · 2 years
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Dear Diary,
I don’t know if I care anymore, it is what it is.
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thebirdandhersong · 2 years
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💙
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thornheartfelt · 5 months
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Hi I need. Na.da to reassure me that I'm not annoying and people don't want to just. Completely ignore me
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lukarhys · 9 months
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I miss him and it fucking sucks. I'm so tired man. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm fucking done. I'm over it. I just want to fucking move on.
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telemarcs · 1 year
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#feels like everyone is living life doing fun stuff traveling eating healthy working out feeling happy#and i sit here crying wondering when tf I'll get to feel okay to feel happy to not feel lonely#I'm exhausted of waiting I'm exhausted of fighting#and I'm losing hope and wtf am i without hope and without the energy to keep fighting#don't get me wrong I'm so happy for people I've always been a person who feels joy on others behalf#but when is it my turn because it feels like i don't have much time left#and wtf would be the point of all this then#I'm so fucking overwhelmed all the time I'm tired of resting#i just wanna be happy i just wanna do fun stuff with people#but mentally I'm 90 years old on my death bed#I'm tired of fighting my mind#why isn't there anyone who helps chronically ill people why is the offer so bad in small towns like here is a chronic illness just go and#suffer and be alone for the rest of your life wondering how tf you'll get by and no means to make mental health help easier#and my damn insomnia is back so I'm up not sleeping feeling worse both mentally and physically#great#like I've been thinking about therapy but my brother who really needs help apparently wasn't sick enough to get it so that's the status#and going there is a struggle like transportation wise and my health and i have years of trauma of going into a room talking to a#professional and i struggle to get out what i wanna say when I'm there and same with webcam sessions#only way is email and i talked to a site about it and they say it can work but i have to speak to the docs about it and yeah that's where#it's tricky at least i have my journal and podcasts and nature soon i can go to the cabin and mom is a good listener too i just don't know#how to put everything into words#really upset the woman who used to offer email consultations doesn't do it anymore and her answer was so judgy ugh#it would just be the best for me to take my time#but there's also a thing my friends when i cut contact told me to admit myself to a mental hospital that i was this and that and needed#help when what i really needed was a friend who listened who cared and they couldn't own up to their own mistakes#anyway
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itsjustrayy · 2 years
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“I loved you once, I loved you twice. I loved you in my previous lives. And when I die, just keep in mind, I’ll love you in another life.”
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cisthoughtcrime · 2 years
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#what the fuck is wrong with me#i feel like something in me broke recently and like ive had so few lucid moments in the last two weeks#i dont feel right. physically mentally emotionally. im fucking exhausted and cant be around people or alone.#I'm running away for the weekend. gonna hide in a motel/hotel somewhere nearby and try to force myself to get through this work#cuz if i can just write this thing i can focus on getting the rest of my shit together#if i just power this out#idk what the invisible obstacle is this time. I've struggled with procrastination before but not like this#it feels different and i feel idk. sick from it.#im 25 & have lived 1000s of miles from where i grew up since i was 18; but i broke down crying to my mom saying i wanted to come home#I'm a wreck and it's all self inflicted. cant even blame anyone or anything but myself. there are no external factors in this...#...once again i have no conclusion other than that I'm the problem. im my own problem.#and ik id feel better with this work behind me. ik I'm capable of doing it. so why am i not? why is it that every time i sit down to do it#i feel prematurely defeated?#even running away to a hotel for a few days to force myself to work without distractions idk if that'll remove the obstacles#cuz im the obstacle. even alone in a room with nothing but a bed power WiFi shower & my notes for three days...#...will i accomplish what i need to at all? will i even get close? im so tired#on friday-saturday i slept like 18.5/24hrs and was still tired. I've done good work even in this state before why am i not doing it now#just fucking do the work just fucking do it oh my god im so angry at myself
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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PEOPLE ARE SO INTERESTING
#🌙.rambles#hi 2 am rambles but tonight i am loving life#dear diary (lol) i am tired n i have lost a lot of energy after this very good day n i will sleep soon#bro idk what i'm writing rn i just ate a cookie n thought about people#cookie.... i am so full rn it's a big cookie 😭😭 it's so delicious though. i really want to learn how to bake someday#but i wonder. i was wondering how you all perceive me here#bcs looking at a mix of who i am in discord. tumblr. twitter. spotify. all those have differences imo#discord you'd see the way i text with others? the things i share. the things i send. the words i say#personally for me reflecting on the things i often say to ppl n it serves as a reaffirmation honestly that i genuinely am kind at heart#i love telling others kind things. that makes me happy. saying good morning n good night n take care n sleep well n rest well#i just find it so interesting. everything. i think about so much things in life on a daily basis#and if anyone were to really. reach close enough to the deepest parts of me#there's a lot of pain definitely but i think someone would see a girl filled with so much love for life#i'm getting off-topic but god i am constantly so confused n lost but i still am strong. i'm proud of who i am. of my mindset#i love who i am. i love the things i desire. and the way i work towards my goals#and not just me. for everyone else. i'm gna cry#i already am 🥹 it often hurts bcs i'm really so. i feel very deeply#so when i. when i struggle n feel so alone it hurts me so much because at times it gets so hard to break out of that even tho i know better#there's so much to love about life but there's so little time too#maybe in my head i can be a little too idealistic at times but. at the same time i know i've gone through so much pain already#that feeling of betrayal. of being forgotten. left behind. god i'm crying even more remembering about all those nights#so. as long as i hold unto myself. unto everything i have ever loved. that will spur me onwards. that i may forge ahead unto tomorrow#the same things i analyze of myself like. the things i said at first here. i think of everyone else as well#how would it be like to live life through your own eyes? with your thoughts and experiences and emotions?#you see. there's really so much to life. and that's what i always remember when i feel like dying#like genuinely i have. felt so. down and sad that i have thought about it. wishing i could just. but i don't want. anyone to worry#my love for the people in my life kept me going when i hated myself so much#god n i. i'm crying so much wait. that's why i want to give so much kindness to others too#i'm crying. i love the night so much bcs i love being open and authentic like this so much but most of the time i get afraid honestly
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