#i'm in so much pain and i don't know why

[russquez]

#MARCMARQUEZ x #LEWISHAMILTON: put me back in it

#these two are the same person and you can't convince me otherwise #they were winning at the same time now they're struggling at the same time these can not all be just coincidence #not to mention the whole rosquez/brocedes parallel #don't ask me why i'm editing so much lately cause i don't know either #motogp #marc marquez #lewis hamilton #f1 #formula 1 #edit #no but even with all the suffering and pain i know these two would do everything again

[softerhaze]

#guess i'll finish this since we don't have babies 😤 #i hope people like this lol idk why it's got me so nervous omg #it seems a lot more saturated than my other mods but i used my own photos as references #so in that way it's probably the most realistic but 🤷🏽‍♀️ idk what people like i'm just out here typing numbers in a file #i'm also going to be doing a side by side comparison of each mod. finally. as much as that pains me. #so yeah! hopefully it'll be done in like a week-ish but who knows

[johannestevans]

idk it's tough as hell to explore your feelings when it's like. either you feel all of them viscerally and it's hard to unpick what they belong to and what the triggers or inspirations are and how they link together or what the processes behind them and all the rest

and then on the other hand it's that thing of like. oh how much am in intellectualising these feelings? how much am i getting so focused on the potential processes behind these feelings, so much so that i'm not feeling them, and not considering the visceral aspects of them?

like autism makes ur own feelings hard enough even without trying to get into other people's feelings, what they're doing, what they were thinking or what their motivations were, etc, and then it's just... A Lot

idk i try give ppl as much love and grace as ever possible bc it's just like, even when someone's being the worst cunt in the world, there's normally a reason for it. no one does what they do for no reason, and very few ppl are truly like. acting out of sadism or a desire to do harm to others - more often than that ppl are just thoughtless or self-centred, and i know there are reasons for that as well

#musings #idk i don't do well with. empathy. and i'm not by nature a particularly compassionate person #but i guess for me that's why i think about it so much and why i make giving ppl that grace becomes so important to me #because it's not smth that comes naturally to me #but fuck me it's complicated and exhausting #atm w the move i'm struggling w like #messaging ppl back and maintaining all my relationships bc i'm in such a state of flux #like w the move and w wanting to be like. a loving partner and to take care of my partners and friends #whilst also just being disabled and in pain all the time #and i know it's imminently going to improve like #my life is about to get so much better bc i've moved closer to those i love and care about most #and with whom i'm most intimate and who fulfil a lot of my needs as well as vice versa? #but it's just like. still a lot to juggle when wanting to connect w my communities

[sysig]

Gotta sweep up all this Dust (Patreon)

#Doodles #Mother 3 #Duster #I am still thinking of He and yet he still hasn't completely come back into my crosshairs #If you can believe it - it was actually the fic printing that was like halfway to the goal of going out of my mind about him again and well- #Lol ♪ I do still plan to! I just underestimated how much of a run-up to him it would be #I'll get there! Certainly keeping busy in the meanwhile lol #But he does get /some/ screentime in the meantime at least haha #I actually injured my own ankle a while ago :P Couldn't tell you exactly when or what but it's been kinda flaring up lately #Mostly when I got for walks - doesn't have to be super long walks either which I'm not super jazzed about #But I did get an ankle compress-brace which has been good for it :) Can walk a bit more regularly! #It was mostly giving my pain away that prompted him back lol sorry Duster #I did at least power up the game to try and see which side his limp is on - it's hard to tell! #It looks like his strides are more confident/longer with his left leg but with the way his sprite mirrors sometimes but not other times #I don't know if he actually says which leg it is somewhere in the game either so I'm just projecting for now lol #I imagine it's only easier to stress out the strong side by overextending - why not both! #It's also still really fun to draw him covered in scars haha #Probably could've gone for arm hair too but it might've muddled the scars and aren't those the important part lol #And a little singy Duster/Lucky to round out :) #I imagine he has a weak voice if he tried projecting but hmm I'm not sure! I really do want to get to know him better! #There's gotta be a reason he was put on the bass right haha #Probably a nice whispery singing voice ♪

[ununquadius]

Me: I think I'm a very rational person and not dramatic at all

Also me: AHH MY LEG HURTS. THIS IS THE END. I'M DYING!!

#Not a drarry chat #I'm not dramatic at all #This is why i love drama queen draco so much #The pain in my leg went away the next morning. I still don't know what happened for it to hurt ALL NIGHT but I'm alright now so I guess I'm #Not dying and there was no reason to be so dramatic about it

[thatoneluckybee]

Bee,,,,,,,, I am ill. NyQuil. Dies

Anyway, your mailman never slacks off !!!

That.

That’s not mail. That’s.

Okay.

Oh wowie!! (Never let me say that ever again.) Gressil and Raven from Ms. Freaky’s Instagram page!!! (I am anti Instagram, it is mean to me)

Raven not being a boykisser is going to ruin my whole career… I am dying… even more than I already was………………………………

When I tell you I RAN OVER TO THE SELFIE WEBSITE I DONT REALLY USE

MORE CANON SEXUALITIES!!!!!

Also dearest mutual with no name.... you neglect the potential of a QPR.

I don't have the brain power to ID rn so if screen reader is being used or picture isn't loading: Ms. Freaky released two new artworks with the characters either holding a flag or with a flag on their cheek for their canon sexualities! GRESSIL is bisexual, Gladiolus/Raven is straight, Poppy is pansexual, Oak is bisexual, and Nightshade/Bella is a lesbian!

#Homesick webtoon #fambles #asks #quintessential-candles #Tell my why it autocorrected nightshade to nightstand #Live-blogging about being sick is entertaining enjoy yourself <3 #(<- girl who does that too but just makes a normal post and then explains how she is Dying with too much Detail in tags) #Good news is I'm probably not dying anymore we probably know what was wrong <3 #Missed period for like twelve weeks but she came back so I probably just had/have another cysts which explains why I was in pain days ago #I don't get cramps but my organs like to try and kill me. You win some you lose some #I just realized something both of the white haired/silverish haired characters are straight #I doubt that was intentional but that's silly to me. This happens a LOT in media (like Space Boy yes that's another Webtoon I've #Hyperfixated on in the past don't come at me) #Mailman sage #Mailman saga #How did I forget to tag the mailman editing tags #It's. Saga not safe. #SAGE NOT DAFE #SAFE. SAFE I MEANT SAFE. #I'm not fixing those tags

[horizonmlm]

I miss Jordan :-(

#(I hope he is doing well his insta is just pics of him having fun in LA and I'm so happy for him but wahh) #(I know it's not my place to know why he left but I really wanna know why they don't talk anymore when they were so close before) #(it pains me to see him doing other things without BMTH so much as acknowledging his existence outside of the band when he's been-) #(-such a core influence on them and their friend for so long) #(I know it's a thing they do a lot when they drop band members they did it with Jona and Curtis too) #(it'll take a while for them to talk about it but Im just so AUGHVGHVJG) #(JORDAN I LOVE AND RESPECT WHAT YOU'RE DOING BUT IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU NOT FRIENDS WITH THEM ANYMORE) #bring me the horizon #bmth #its loving bmth hours #jordan fish

[sensazioneultra]

i love my mum and i love my cat but he's clearly not gonna get better which we knew would be the case it was only a matter of (very little) time but my mum keeps trying to buy him new different food to get him to eat and again i love them but this is breaking my heart

#he looks so so sick.. #i don't know if there's any point in trying to get him to feel better #when we know it's terminal and they gave him 35 days over 35 days ago #obviously the number is not exact i know that but it is a fact that he's so so sick #and it breaks my heart to see him like this bc if he's pain i really don't think it's good to #keep him around for our own selfish reasons #i wish so badly we could enjoy his presence for longer #but... it's. idk. it might be cruel. if he's in pain it's cruel to not end his suffering #i understand my mum i really do i was the same with our previous cat when she got old and was clearly not gonna last #and in the end i regretted waiting til it happened naturally bc i know i just prolonged her suffering #which was entirely for selfish reasons bc there was no way she'd get better #and it's the same for ripy now. it hurts so so bad i'm crying my eyes out rn #but i can only imagine how much HE is hurting. and what is the point when we know there's no chance #for him to get better #he might die later but having been in more pain for longer. why should we do that to him when he could die as peacefully as #possible with us by his side and so he can rest wherever good sweet cats go after death #idk. i feel so sad. and im here alone crying while church bells ring. and while everything feels meaningless

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

:(

#cw animal injury #i turned on the lights and our dog is covered in blood like??? hello??? #since when were you doing that and why didn't you tell me??? *cue frantic searching for gauze* #there's a big cut where his ankle meets his leg (inside of the hind right leg) #i have no idea how that happened #our dogs play rough but have never drawn blood #and he was outside alone and he was acting normally and not whining or anything? like speak up man i need to know this shit #his name is bunny btw and he's a big dog. purebred great pyrenees(?) if the ppl we got him from are to be trusted #i don't know how he got hurt #its way too big/deep for a cat to have done it and even if they're really upset they just paw at his face #my only guess is that there's something sharp in the yard? but it's too dark to look #idfk but we found the gauze and stuff and he did Not like that process good thing there were 3 ppl awake to hold him down safely #he still didn't whine through all of that though like. pls speak up man. we gotta know if ur in pain so we can fix it #i'm hoping it doesn't get infected. we don't have money to go to the vet but he's my sister's dog and she might actually kill someone if #he isn't fine #she has a theory that he may have gotten cut on smth our brother threw out there and like. she may literally kill him if this #was his fault and bunny isn't fine #so far he seems fine there wasn't too much blood and there seems to just be the one cut #but i didn't hear him yelp or whine or anything #and he didn't seem to be limping but the lights were off #idk man but we have cleaned him up as best we can for now but it is the middle of the night so we'll see what we can do in the morning

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[icewindandboringhorror]

Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.

#pet death tw #death mention #let me know if I need any other tags #I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods #since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name #and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt #res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank #account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc. #and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol #I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can #It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy #decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe #pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him. #anyway #of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh... #more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter #vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else #you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T #Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I #noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly) #but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely #not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc. #ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without #taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc. #cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.

[charlotterenaissance]

having an almost comically bad couple days so i'm microdosing on all my fixations by alternating episodes of kids in the hall, night court, h2o just add water, and conan o'brien remotes. just having a normal one

#the fun part of being the child of my alcoholic dad and junkie mother is that my form of vice is old tv shows #as i try to zone out while stone-cold sober #i had a bad day at work which was the capstone to a rough couple weeks #which is why haven't really been on here #and i'm pretty sure i can't trust my own vision or whatever because i look at things and get told i'm wrong #and then i found richard moll died so i'm not doing so great #i am so sad #i'm just so so sad and scared #all the time and i hate this so much and i hate being a burden to the person i love #and i just feel so alone and not good at anything and not good enough for anything or anyone i'm just not worth anything #it's my fault for only being able to conceptualize relationships via the familial bond #so i take my boss who is normally sweet and patient with my stupid worthless self #yelling at me as rough as you can possibly imagine #she didn't even yell at me specifically but every time she came by i flinched and any time i said something she got mad and yelled at me #i don't know i'm sorry #i just want to disappear #i'm also on my period one more cosmic corkscrew of pain

[sonego]

ppl not knowing i'm trans is so weird cause today my coworker pretty much explained first day of period pain to me and i was sitting there in her car just slow blinking not knowing what the fuck to say

#i said. nothing #i think i might've mmhmmh-ed maybe. not sure #i never know what to say when cis women tell me things i'm technically not “supposed to” know #idk how much empathy they want from a “man” or if they're just telling me to vent or idk just let it out #and it's also kinda. weird? bc i know even cis women who don't know i'm trans tell me more things than they tell “other” men #ok just read this keeping in mind ppl irl think i'm a man if they don't think i'm a woman that's why i say man lmao but #this coworker in particular is nice i like her but sometimes. i feel like she treats me as her like gay bestie lmao #idek if she knows i'm gay or suspects it probably yes but sometimes she's just a little weird #the first time i wore nail polish at work she kept asking me why i did it and giggling like ??? what's so funny 😭 #she told me “did you wear it bc (italian male celeb) does it?” girl what 😭😭 #non mi metto lo smalto perché se lo mette fedez be serious #and just other times she's been kinda uh. weird. and generally treating me like i'm a man but also not a man #idk fkfkdjwxkdbm it's difficult to explain but like #i don't mind that ppl cloak i'm not cishet and (even subconsciously) treat me accordingly it's just when it feels forced? and not genuine? #that it bothers me #but anyway *** TRUST ME I KNOW ABOUT FIRST DAY OF PERIOD PAIN............... i don't miss it #nico.txt

[theoculus124]

Life isn't going too well rn-

#Why is everything so much more painful rn #it might be cause of the heat idk #I'm just so sad and I don't know how to fix it

[non-un-topo]

Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.

#my period ended so it ain't that. #maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced- #-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad. #maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'. #like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me- #-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women #or gnc women. #why am i so irritable jfc. #every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.' #and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it. #wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people. #so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes. #how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself #because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world. #how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay. #i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that... #irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............ #no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me. #why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness #or of gender-expansiveness... #i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years. #need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.

[anaalnathrakhs]

uh oh i feel like i have a deeply maladaptative response to people knowing Literally Anything about me it's fine it's fine i'm handling it very well

#constantly daydreaming about throwing my phone in the river n leaving a nice note for my parents and fucking LEAVING #but like #if i just stop talking to my friends #then what's the point #do i make new friends? will i do the same shit to my new friends? #it feels like kind of a dick move to do that to people i like #and i DO like them #i like hanging out w them and just. i don't know. i feel like this freedom i dream of is something i could have in this life yknow. #i feel if i had balls i could just start living the life i want #it's not even like my parents are dicks or something they trust me and they've very understanding and loving #they wouldn't judge me for how i dress or be mad if i stay out late as long as i warn them #but i dont know. i dont know why i'm a massive fucking weirdo about it okay. #but i've caused them so much trouble already. i feel like i'm betraying them if i grow up. #i feel like i'm causing them too much worry no matter if i stray away from the nest or stay. #and i feel like a fucking monster for not loving them enough but i can't stand being near them anymore #it's too painful #i've never managed to completely hate them even when i was deep in depression and they handled it poorly #i'd get into a screaming match with my dad and an hour later we'd sing songs together in the car #but it's been so dull lately. it feels like im in a video game. picking prewritten dialogue and being fed prewritten answers. #and WHY does this happen. why can't i just have a normal relationship with people #why do i turn into an alien on his first day on earth whenever i start caring abt someone #why are we so fucking abnormal as a family that we never goddamn hang out #why am i such an empty husk of a person that i cannot for the life of me figure out something we could do together #i keep believing in this fantasm of one day changing everything in one fell swoop instead of growing up like a normal guy #because i know i'm a coward. i'm scared of other people seeing me fail. #i dont want to hurt my parents ever again and i dont want to settle for halfway freedom #so i repress hardcore things i want so that nobody not even me can decipher what it is #smth smth the enormity of my desire disgusts me #and of course it fails because im weakshit and cannot restrict anything ever #and i hurt them anyway