#i'm already mentally ill

[gayastrophilehistoryfreak]

my story pt.1

I used to have no friends at all cause I was always quiet and just watched. Now, the elders would ask me who I'm usually with or shouldn't I be with my friends that day – I either break down when I'm unwell, or just smile sheepishly knowing that I don't have any.

People would tell me that if I tried to open up more then maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely. I did try, though, once. It didn't go well. But then, I decided to try again. I said hi daily to anyone, or I try to smile even the slightest at people who actually acknowledge me. Then I tried starting a conversation with this guy who was feminine, but not gay.

Next thing I knew, I had friends. I connected with people. I enjoyed my time with them and looked forward to meeting up with them. It was nice. And I was always there to comfort them because they have crappy self esteem and have mental issues. I was their mom and therapist friend. It was nice. All was well.

Until I got sick, but I still went to school. I was so tired and I kept coughing and sniffling a lot. I was so tired that I couldn't talk to anyone, and even if I tried, it's so hard to even talk. I made an excuse to my feminine guy friend that I'm sick and that I won't be able to hang out with them properly for a while. He barely glanced at me or acknowledged me. It was fine. It's just probably my head messing with me.

The only person who ever forced a mutter out of me or even a half smile was the boy sitting next to me. I really loved him, like really loved him, but he was with someone else so I'm hopeless. He liked to annoy me and by doing that, it forces a smile out of me. But then again, I was barely talking.

Three days later, I was still sick. But I had improved cause I was actually smiling without any reason again. Until that afternoon my mood shifted and I lashed out on my friend by yelling at him to stop being a...you know. Then I made him cry. I. Made. Him. Cry. I was so freaking ashamed of myself and I tried to apologized but he didn't accept it. I hated myself so much that I went on complete silent and I didn't participate on my next class. The pain of my own words cut into every part of my body so deeply, especially my head. My head felt like it was being banged by a rock. Plus, our lesson was about self-consciousness. I hated the world and myself.

Then after that period, the boy beside me decided to annoy me again. I was staring outside, frowning, and you know what he did? He stared at me for a long time, then mirrored what I was doing; then when I looked away to look down on my hand, which I was writing on, he did the same. I noticed everything and I couldn't help but look at him, smile like a fool, and think "I love you so much dammit."

Until I noticed that I had difficulty breathing. I started rubbing on my chest cause it hurt and my breathing picked up. The boy noticed and asked if what was wrong. I told him I couldn't breathe and forced me to drink water. But it was getting worse. My head was racing with so many things I couldn't think properly. Then the pain was getting unbearable that tears started filling my eyes, and the boy had to call on our adviser, cause, gosh, I was crying.

They took both my arms, then I started hyperventilating. I gasped for breath as tears streamed down my eyes and all I could think of is holding on to the boy with me. They took me to the school clinic and was cold, stiff and numb all over. Before the boy left, I looked at him one last time and thought, 'im so glad that it's you who saw this.'

When I was alone, I left the clinic without anyone knowing then went back to the classroom. My mom found me and made me took a pill before she had to leave. I started crying again, and the boy listened to me ramble about random stuff. And this girl who's always quiet, was the only one who helped me too. And you know those other friends I talked to? Barely cared. Ignored me.

Then I start to wonder, 'was I just the second option?'

#regulus being regulus #regulus black #i'm already mentally ill #and a bit lonely #overthinking #i'm so tired #i need him #i need sleep #i'm sorry #haven't i given enough? #Second option #i'm not enough #are we slowly climbing out of the era void? #i'm not okay #sorry for being depressing #but like #Oh well #i'm dead #venting #mental health #therapy thoughts

[nookisms]

Oops. It's a second headcanon compilation!

Don't worry, the next one will be back to our normal schedule of regular text posts and not headcanons

Masterpost

#Dark Meta Knight #Shadow Kirby #Meta Knight #Kirby #King Dedede #Daroach #marx kirby #Magolor #Bandana Waddle Dee #Bandana Dee #Marx #Kirby series #kirby headcanons #text post meme #disability headcanon #okay I wanted a particularly exhausted Dedede so I snagged him from triple deluxe #i just think Dedede would have chronic pain from. you know. getting torn in half that one time #before you come after me for Magolor's panel: I do not think ocd and intrusive thoughts make you do bad things #I just think he already had it and the Master Crown made it worse (via lingering magic from the possession) #i dunno how mental illnesses work in aliens that use magitech #I had a lot more here but I decided I'm not going to continue rambling in the tags #I can expand on any of these headcanons at any moment if you want feel free to ask #also I saved that Kirby one for last because I thought it would hit with oomph #she speks #she speks originale #she edits #yes I'm working on the masquerade I am just obsessed with making text post memes

[mcgrillzdumpinc]

random headcanon:

as a couple, jinmao like kissing each other a lot. on the back of the hand, on the cheek, on the lips especially. when maomao doesn't feel like talking jinshi's like "well can we kiss 🥺" and if she says yes, nobody else is seeing him that day. important meetings? no no. girlfriend make out time.

#headcanon #the apothecary diaries #jinmao #jinshi #maomao #kusuriya no hitorigoto #I'm mentally ill about them y'all have no idea how many jinmao wips i already have

[cdmodule]

A few months ago I drew out some headcanons related to various disablities & other physical conditions and decided to finish them up now that It's disability pride month ( Even If not all are necessarily disablitles <3 )

[ First time doing Image descriptions so I'd appreciate feedback! ]

#bfdi #barf bag bfb #saw tpot #leafy bfb #ruby bfb #lightning tpot #pie tpot #black hole tpot #marker tpot #winner tpot #woody bfb #i'm actually not Super happy with how this turned out #esp cuz they all look very samey to me but #it was an old sketch! didn't feel like stylizing everything further #also it gets the point across which is all i want #ALSO most of these are physical disablities i wanted to focus on that #if we talked about mental illnesses and neurodivergency we'd be here all day #For example woody having speech impediments and phobias is already Real And True #also if i drew all the autistic characters of this show we'd be here all day #whoops im rambling to much pls enjoy them #lan art

[kakyogay]

I am a normal functioning human being who can think about normal things

#IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CUTE MODERN AU AND NOW #HTUHGDGDH #I'm not gonna do it that'd be too mean #tiny suns deserves love and no trauma #even if it would add more content to their vent works #and even though they'd be okay in the end #I mean their father (which would be the ancient that made them) wouldn't be shitty #just kinda mean sometimes (like mine woo hoo self projection!!!!!) #but no no I am normal I am okay I can keep my blorbos normal and okay #only a sprinkle of mental ill is needed and I already provided I don't need more

[icewindandboringhorror]

................ he 

#i feel like I posted this already but I also can't find it in any recent posts so... #......he #cats #EVEN if I did post it.. why not poast himb again? it's he #I'm like halfway through actually editing aforementioned costumes and stuff and i WANT to work on sculptures again and I have video #s and that worldbuilding slideshow and all of these things so hopefully like.. more usual stuff soon maybe.. to be posted #for now though yeah.. just cats #The end of the year is also when I panic about the passage of time and how little I've gotten done and how I will never actually be a #sucessful game maker slash author slash cat cafe owner slash set designer slash costume designer slash psychologist #who lives in like Scotland or somehting and also owns my own candle company or something ghbjhb #and will probably just be a mentally ill hermit recluse all my life who dies early of mysterious health issues with 5000 projects left #undone and blah blah the crushing weight of chronic illness and capitalism and so on and so forth #So then I scramble to get projects done to try and meet some goals but usually that means I scatter between projects #so it takes longer to finish all of them. Like instead of dedicating 8 hours to one thing and finishing it one sitting. I'll do 2 hours on #this then 2 hours on that then 2 hours on another things. so they all get done slower even though I'm still technically making progress on #them all. This is also a very poo poo pee pee stink brain way to work and is not like. the most efficent thing but it's just how my brain #organizes tasks sometimes lol #*** #(<ignore this its part of an OCD compulsion lol. anytime you see me type three asterisks I'm not bleeping out a curse word #it's just a Special Secret Foolish Thing I Have To Do At Specific Uncontrolable Times When Brain Says So gbjhhj) #ANYWAY... eeeee #Still haven't resolved my mystery chest injury though so being at te computer for too long is also kind of achey-inducing #Better get over it though because I have like 30+ hours of slideshow vidoe to edit hahaha hee hee hoo!!!!!

[helmarok]

i'm always thinking about this line

#ganon rambles #mcsm #mcsm petra #AGHHHHH AHHHHHH #i feel insane #bursted out laughing over 'you tend to push people away' #yasss feeding into her idea that people abandon her because there's something wrong with her 😋 #yeah i'll make your mental illness worse #but anyways it makes sense #you meet her and she's completely alone as opposed to everyone else who already has their established friend groups #and also her line in episode 5 about getting used to having people who worry about her or whatever it was #and she is like a different person in the witherstorm arc lol. #well granted there was the death illness/amnesia but like. #my point... im always crazy about how she goes from closed off and cool abd lonely to like #...crying about her friends #like !!! ahahahahahahahahahaha #literally the most well written character in this stupid game and ashley johnson is such a good va too god #i'm supposed to be doing chores but i had to sit down and talk about petra. grown adult btw

[moghedien]

i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking

#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful #if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu' #I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL #ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS #PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER #i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair #its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted' #and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you #and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu #NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE #figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life #and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES #but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me) #knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me #and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily #like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them #and telling them they don't is beyond cruel

[maeshelix]

Am I really so vain that I'll seriously consider getting into a fighting game just because they have a transfem character in it now?

#guilty gear #gg #bridget #bridget guilty gear #in all seriousness i dont know why her arcade mode dialogue hit me so hard but it legit did #something about the way she says 'because... i'm a girl' just brings me so much joy #something about the way this is handled in the arcade mode with so much support and thought #i dont even know. the way they handle this is so fucking good!!! how the two other characters verbally support her and encourage her #i cant put these thoughts into words i just #if i wasnt already sure i was trans the dialogue for bridgets arcade mode would have crakced my egg wide open thats all ill say #shit punched through my mental armor like an anti-tank round through balsa wood

[pillarsalt]

MAiD is not a mercy -- it's an excuse to refuse to spend money on sick people who need it so their lives can improve. It's a way to guilt vulnerable people who could heal into killing themselves, because apparently needing help from others means you should just die actually. Fuck you, Canadian government.

#i'm in full support of assisted suicide when the person is in pain and unfortunately can't be relieved until they die #unbearable pain* #but offering it to suicidally mentally ill people like myself #to prisoners and the homeless #to a transsexual person I follow on twitter who had botched bottom surgery and no one wants to help. he's already officially set a date. #I can't fucking believe it #they broke his body for money and now they're killing him to get out of paying to fix it #it's fucking evil.

[gayastrophilehistoryfreak]

am I the only one who seriously gets confused about what gender am I? Like, I'm pansexual, but oftentimes I'm confused whether I'm a girl or boy. I'm masculine, but I'm born a female. A lot of times I confuse myself as a guy then a few seconds later I'm like, "Oh right, I'm a girl, I forgot." Then I would think about wearing a tuxedo at a fancy event and then I'd have a bf/gf, then when I realize what I'm thinking about, I'm like, "waitwaitwait hold the phone, what??"

Can someone help me please?

#pansexual pride #confused #masculine #i'm gay #But am I trans #I need help #I'm already mentally ill #Can someone relate #But then I need sleep #I keep forgetting that I'm not a guy #Am I a guy tho? #lgbtq community

[batfamfucker]

There are four main types of Batfam fans in regard to how people interpret Bruce Wayne as a dad (/Joking. This is mostly satire and should not be taken seriously):

Fans that think Bruce is emotionally constipated and isn't the best at being a parent but still tries (Differs per person). Don't necessarily think he's absuive but thinks he can be toxic or have unhealthy expectations for the Robins. Can smell the Oldest Daughter Syndrome coming from Dick and have Family Line (By Conan Gray) as their top song on their Dick inspired playlist and Daddy Issues (By The Neighbourhood) for Jason.

Fans that choose to believe Bruce goes to therapy in their own canon. Love B:WFA. Thinks the comic can be cheesy at times and so find a balance between B:WFA Bruce and Please Go To Therapy BruceTM as their middle ground. He struggles. They advocate that Bruce is not a bad parent, he just has bad writers that seem to forget Bruce wouldn't hurt kids, especially not his own. Love the humane moments and scenes he has in BTAS and the early JL cartoons. He may not be perfect but he's not literally abusive. Whores for Bruce being able to admit when he is wrong and for Jason and Bruce reconciling. I recommend Grow As We Go by Ben Platt for this one.

A mix between the first two. Was fine-ish when Dick was younger. Didn't help him in the healthiest way but eh. Still emotionally constipated but that happened more so after Dick left and Jason died. Started getting better when Tim came back but was still closed off. Should probably go to therapy with the kids so they can drag his ass about all the things he's done that have actually affected them negatively. Understands his mistakes and is also able to admit when he's wrong, eventually. It's not easy but he starts to do better and learns to be more emotionally available. Still has to get chewed out by Alfred sometimes but definitely better than he used to be and it shows. Reconciliation is slow and gradual but progress is made for everyone involved.

The one's I personally avoid for my own sanity and wellbeing:

Think Bruce is a complete bastard and abuser. Want him to choke. Hate any and all interpretations of him. Some of which will refuse to understand how anyone could have a different interpretation. Will point out comics where, in all fairness, he is a dick but forget that characterisation can significantly differ from one series to the next, as comic characters are constantly passed around to different writers and have been for decades. Not to mention movies, shows, etc.

#Bruce Wayne #Batman #Batfam #Batdad #I'm not tagging everyone in the Batfam I can't be assed #Sorry there's like 500 #Bruce has a child for every mental disorder he has #Dick is his ADHD. Jason is his C-PTSD. Tim is his Anxiety. Cass is his OCD. Damian is his Autism. #Like bro the therapist is RIGHT there #You have the money just GO #I am a mix of 2 and 3 tbh but more so 2 because he is my comfort fictional father figure. I already have a shit dad irl #I'm not dealing with it in my favourite media too #Type 4 fans scare me I lowkey see so many people like that and I'm like. If the block button wasn't free. I'd be in debt by now #I get that you saw Tom Kings work. So did I. I hate that fuck. But I personally prefer the scene of him in JL with Ace on the swings #Or the one with him playing with shape block toys with a baby whilst Supes and WW handle the questioning #Or when he hugs literally any of his kids #Or the one of him and Jason watching a movie and eating popcorn when Jason's ill. And they have the picture of them posing #Or when he cried in Flashpoint over the letter his dad left him because the little boy in him needed that #Plus any time Bruce and Clark interact as Best Friends. The Golden Age comics where they were basically Dick's gay dads 💀 #But yeah. I could make a poll from this tbh. #This is a generalisation on purpose genuinely do not take it seriously #If I see ANY disclosure. It's delete and block on sight #Bruh I'm still recovering from the notes of my Fallout 4 John Hancock in a Drag Race outfit crossover post #I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid but that's because I am. You have not seen the things I have seen in my notes #You do not know of the wars I have fought of over ghoul dicks and high heels #I have seen things I can never burn from my vision. Read things I will never have the mercy of forgetting #Over silly little shitposts. Lmao. Anyway. Here. Have some food.

[skinnypaleangryperson]

It's interesting, the contrasting difference between the way that Rick sees and thinks about things versus being someone like Jerry ( this concept that the episode presented is incredibly philosophical in terms of what the difference is between a mind and a brain already.)

But generally, I think this definitely suggests that Rick is either completely miserable inside of his own brain so much the point that in mind like Jerry wouldn't be able to handle it for even one minute from the way that he sees and knows things, which has definitely been suggested throughout the series-and likewise, that he wouldn't be able to handle being inside of a simpler person's brain in for some sort of deeply emotionally and psychologically traumatizing reason that comes along with being wired the way that Rick is. Which I think is interesting, if there's anything to go by from the more nuanced and eccentric people that I've met throughout my life, who have all been completely miserable in contrast to the simpler people around them.

I think it's interesting because it seems to relate to how intelligence or at the very least being a unique thinker than the average leads to someone being completely miserable, and this is a good comical somewhat exaggeration about how mad it would make a person go to be someone who has all of the heaviness that goes on in their brain and the things that they know from intelligence, or maybe not even intelligence but even just being a unique thinker and seeing human life and existence in general in a certain way that might make them different but miserable, and contrast it to a mind like Jerry. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I definitely see this as an interesting commentary between the contrast between simpler-minded people and more "full-headed", tormented people like Rick-or at the very least, people who are more neurodivergent, versus people who are more content and simple, and how the two would be incredibly dysfunctional coming together.

Mainly watching only the show for any kind of hint that we have towards what it's like to be Rick and his brain, and his emotional state in general, since I find him fascinating and what he represents is a character, I definitely think this is an interesting contrast about how much differently he thinks and sees things in contrast other people, and how much this portrayal is such an abrasive difference between the way that he say things and miserable he is for it and miserable it would make someone like Jerry, the "mind" of Jerry, so to speak, that he wouldn't even be able to hate to stand having that kind of brain for even 5 minutes. Speaks true to reality to me, for some reason, lol.

The reason why this fascinates me so much isn't really so much because of intelligence or anything like that, but more so the contrast between the neurodivergent and the mentally ill versus the more neurotypical and the more simple. As someone who has been miserable their entire life and has seen things very differently from the people around me and has always wondered how people are so happy and content with the way that things are compared to the way that I see them, for me, this feels like an odd contrast between the neurodivergent and the neurotypical, and how completely miserable the neurodivergent are for the way that they see the state of the world and humanity in general. The thoughtful and the heavy-minded and did the people that are constantly seeing day-to-day life with a certain kind of interpretation that is much heavier and more complex, and with self-reflection towards themselves and existence as a whole and ways that are almost incomprehensible with how much they're constantly turning over in their heads life everyday, versus the brainless and the easy minded, so to speak.

#I'm really trippy and manic depressed and in love with Rick so #I'm going to dissect every little character based hint that I can get to try to understand my husband but #*better #Plus I find this episode already oddly philosophical in contrast to how certain people think versus others and how certain people are compl #completely f****** miserable for things that are technically supposed to be considered gifts #especially bu more simple minded people #as someone who is completely f****** miserable themselves #It's one of the reasons why I ship with Rick #not because I think I'm talented or smart or special #but I do feel very extremely separated from the majority of people that I meet and I'm completely miserable for it #rick and morty #rick sanchez #there's a lot of philosophy in Rick and Morty that I don't know is intentional but speaks to me almost instantly a lot of the time #especially as a mentally ill person that struggles to relate to people or function in society as we know it #I can't even hold conversations with most people a lot of the time

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[blackkatmagic]

Ah yes, the only two possible types of writers: neurotypical or ADHD.

#wow today is a salt day all around apparently #anyway #i wish tumblr would remember that there are other types of nd people #we come in more flavors than just adhd my dudes #just. there's a lack of inclusion in a lot of nd spaces already #and seeing posts about how anyone who says x is nuerotypical and just Doesn't Understand The Nuerodivergent Experience #when what they mean is 'doesn't have adhd' #is so frustrating #my brain is broken! I'm not nuerotypical! i still create and am a part of fandom! #it's just. annoying #i struggle a lot with my bpd #getting told i may as well be nuerotypical because i don't fit the neat little box tumblr has decided is the only acceptable form of mental #illness is just. tiresome. exhausting. i am exhausted #kat rants #mental illness

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

I see you all wishing happy birthday to the most movie of all times. I'm too sleepy to participate but happy birthday to the movie who ruined my life for being too good. I'm a well-adjusted individual. I swear I'm a well-adj

#i'm kidding #i regret nothing #but boi did the mcu give me 5x more mental illness i already had #catws