I'm sick of being peppered with little purple agonies of failed attempts at needle jabs. And a constellation of cuts where they try to slice away the parts of me that are killing the other parts.
What's it like not to hurt.
I can't remember.
It always hurts. What does ease and comfort feel like. I feel like my escapes are chemical. Slipping into the pitch black for a moments reprieve. Slices of death in exchange for screaming. It's harder when sleep is elusive
I am getting better. But i have to fight so hard for "zero".
I'm always clawing my way out of my own grave bare handed. My fingernails breaking off, my mouth gasping desperately for air.
Please, don't reply to fics and give "suggestions" or "tips" to the author.
This isn't even constructive criticism.
This comment freaken hurts.
I slaved over this fic. I spent hours writing it and even more hours editing it, agonizing over word choice and scenes I'd never written before. The length alone says that.
THIS FIC WAS A LABOR OF LOVE.
NO, YOU MAY FREAKEN NOT.
Clearly, they liked it enough to leave five words saying so, but the rest of the comment is taken up by a "TIP" TO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE???
They sat there and read all 14k+ words (I would hope), and that's what they chose to comment about???
WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.
It's not like I have anything better to do than slam out massive fics at people's whims.
Brb, while I go sob in a corner and entertain the idea of never opening another Google doc again.
i wish being suicidal made me a better horror writer, but actually it just makes me suicidal. the good writing only comes when i'm doin better. it doesn't come from the pain, it comes from seeing life through a lens framed around death. if I woke up with no depression tomorrow i'd still write the same things, still write the same way, still delve into the same subject matter. being in pain, sometimes it's just painful. the beauty comes later, from the healing. the writing is part of the healing.
ptsd is the worst. i hate that humans actively inflict this hell on each other. like here i'll do something terrifying to you and as an added bonus, it will break your brain so you can relive it on a daily basis forever and also you will never get a good night's sleep again. fuck
Tea in bed in the gradually brightening autumn light
Baking!
There are people who hold me in positive regard, who think I am kind, generous, skilled, etcetera, and I can choose to spend most of my time around them
Relatedly: I can be totally fucking weird and yet a significant number of people very deeply respect me
I actually really like being a clinical supervisor?
Reading on long train rides, in the park, in bed, at the kitchen table
All the animals who I get to witness living their lives in the park
okay heads up my darlings, there isn't gonna be an idolistic chapter update next week because I usually write on the weekend but ohhh I need to take this one (partially) off. so I draw for my job and I've been burning the candle deeply at both ends, drawing all day and writing every weekend (and some nights). I've pulled a chapter outta me every single weekend this year that I haven't been travelling internationally lol. and I'm just deeply deeply tired
sadly it's a long weekend but I still gotta draw fri and mon. so yeah sorry!!!!! ya girl gotta have a lie down for a hot minute 🥲
Learned that a FIMfiction author passed away in 2022, and now thinking about my own mortality... and what would happen to my blogs and my stories and fics when I do pass on.
It's scary. I'm gonna be 29 in a month, and there's the real possibility of me suddenly dying. What would happen when I just. Drop dead without notice? I could go outside and get hit by a truck. I could have a sickness that would kill me in my sleep.
What then when the time comes? What of these blogs and my incomplete stories when I pass on? And... is there a way to have someone let everyone know that I died when I just disappear online?
...I'm just scared of that possibility. My dad knows about me writing and posting online but he doesn't know about my whump blog and such. So IDK if I should tell him to let everyone know here when I'm gone. It's hard...
good morning peoples and fans 💋 i did my makeup for work but i forgot to put on lipstick before leaving and now i feel naked.
not to mention im only wearing ONE contact bc i dont want to wear my glasses!! they hide my beautiful face 🤷🏻♀️ thats all for this morning have a great sexy fun day bebs 😌☺️🙏🏻💃🤭🙈❣️🪽✨💕