#i’ve been less active bc this is literally eating at me

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi charm idk if you’re on break but I just wanted to ask something abt how you started manifesting like idk bc this states stuff is very confusing and I trust your judgment. Did you begin your journey with states ?? And how did you overcome your 3D to occupy the right state especially since you openly talk about your hard circumstances

Hi love ! I’m not on a break right now I’m just not as active haha :)! Also no, I did not use the concept of states back in 2020/2021 when I actually started shifting and manifesting successfully. I wasn’t on tumblr, and tho I knew about Neville Goddard, I can’t lie I did not care. I was trying to manifest and shift without reading tedious essays I didn’t care about. Like I said, I had horrible circumstances so no offense the “having it in imagination” wasn’t going to cut it back then. I use, acknowledge, and like states now.. but of course it’s easier for me now because I’ve already been shifting successfully and manifested my dream life already. It’s easier to fulfill my state when I already know it’s going to work. i can’t say it would have been the same when I started lol

I didn’t join tumblr until the end of 2022/ the beginning of 2023 so I didn’t know the Terminology of states, affirm and persist, etc and I definitely would not have cared back in 2020/2021 when I was beginning my journey Fr. I started manifesting successfully literally using whatever made me happy. I didn’t know techniques, I definitely didn’t care about Neville at the time, and I wanted to shift and manifest more than anything in the world. All I did was write down my desires everyday, visualize 24/7, and affirm to myself in the mirror whenever I wanted.

And before the terminology tyrants come, yes I’m aware I was occupying states. But who cares what I was using if at the time I didn’t know what it was called, or what it was. If you tried to explain to me what states was at the time, I honestly would have told you to eat my ass tbh bc I would not care about that stuff at all. All I knew was repetition and positivity was helping me get my dream life… so I couldn’t have cared less if it was witch craft or satanism 😭 Especially since I was trying to escape my undesired circumstances, again if you told me to fulfill it in my imagination because that’s all that matter, I would have blocked you.

It’s true for me now, yes because I talk about that all the time, but I’m also aware it’s easier for me to say that now that I know it’s real and is 100% worth it. If you’re having trouble manifesting or using states, literally just go back to the basics, and be so consistent. It won’t fail you if you persist.

Also this reminds me, I was actually on amino and we had a similar problem. I hindered my journey dropping what I knew worked for me to try the trend of “shadow work, dieties, and spirit guide work” because that’s what people preached I needed to do. I didn’t care about that stuff at the time but I thought since that was trending it had to work and resonate with me or else I would never succeed. Nothing worked for me until I went back to what I knew was true for me. Which was my original “methods” I already talked about above. No one’s forcing you to understand or like something that doesn’t resonate with you. Just don’t be rude or argue with people who like states lmfao. Even if everyone in the world is talking about states that doesn’t mean you have to follow them.

#law of assumption #manifesation #void state #manifesting #reality shifting #self concept #neville goddard

[hamiltonforpowerpoint]

Thoughts as a black person seeing the Hogwarts Legacy stuff

I’ve re wrote this so many times so I’m gonna stop fluffing it and build on point lates.

A main draw in for a lot of black people was the diversity. From the looks of it Hogwarts Legacy was able to capture a lot of black features and hairstyles accurately. A thing you still don’t see a lot in “popular” games less it’s the same 10 hairstyles.

I’ve seen loads of talks of transphobia but little to no talks of antisemitism and racism. While the transphobia gets the deep talks antisemitism and racism are usually added as tag on. And I know her transphobia is more prevalent especially on Twitter but I don’t think that means the other two should be talked about less

Brings me into my next point(WHICH IN GENERAL; NOT SPECIFIC) I think it’s an interesting to see how discrimination between (yt) lgbtq+ is handled compared to discrimination between poc/racism. This isn’t just a Hogwarts Legacy thing or a Harry Potter thing this is more widespread. You can say you don’t support Jk and majority of ppl will agree with you but you say the same things for idk Jefree Star(I have a better example but it’s for my next bulletin) and it’s the opposite

This one’s more for POC/black people who are watching this go down. A before I say what I’m about to say just know I don’t support JK nor will I be buying the game.

Does anyone feel sort of idk how to say it disconnect or non vigorous about the whole conversation. For me personally it’s seeing people go so hard on people buying the game, go hard on JK for transphobia, and then they will turn around and support a racist. MSI, Jefree Stars, literally one of the many yt ppl who have actively been shown to be racist on multiple accounts but are still shown to be in high regard of a mainly lgbtq+ group. And when black people say “hey don’t support xyz bc their racist” many times you’ll see people go “idc I’m still going to listen/watch them” and then you expect me to support you when dealing with a homophobe/transphobe? Not saying I wouldn’t but it feels…harder/frustrating.

I’m losing my train of though so before I totally forget I’m gonna jump the gun a bit. This is gonna be crazy and not favored by many. This is stupid but I have to say it. When it comes to something like Chik-fil-a that is a known costly restaurant that has donated to conversion camps(Ik this need to be fact checked but to my common knowledge it was true). And when lgbtq ppl were made aware of this many ppl responded “idc” “I still want to eat their” “joke” “joke” The jokes have continued even when ppl of conversion camp theory have come out and spoken how not funny the situation is. My point is I think that and Hogwarts Legacy shows a very similar pattern of lgbtq supporting something and giving them money even though they know the money is going somewhere that will harm ppl like them. But bc it’s not actively hurting them they support bc it gives them the entertainment/satisfaction or nostalgia they so desperately want. When it’s something racist, like Dollskill, you usually don’t see the same(I can only speak for the younger generation)

That was all but I’m really trying to open the discussion. This was written at 12:30am so it’s probably full of errors and nonsense. Also pls don’t be racist or rude. This just me brain blobing. It’s not a true reflection of me just some of my thoughts.

#hogwarts legacy #harry potter #I wanted to talk about blerds but I forgot #but yeah I’m always up to talking conversing and so one #THIS IS NOT PRO JK ITS VERY MUCH ANTI

[charmixpower]

For me recently I’ve been eating up all the rivusa crumbs in the movies ESP magical adventure but since I have no irl outlet I’m just gonna say here that in secret of the lost kingdom the freaking cut scene from the Italian where the old white man tells riven that he needs to figure out whats his reason fighting and Musa just comes and links arms with him owns my heart AND THEN it links back to when they have their moment towards the end where he tells her she is what he’s fighting for😭😭 dude that kiss is engraved in my head for absolutely no reason I love it so much the animation was giving all it could have been giving at that moment😭😭 and also when Musa was giggling while riven was doing extra stuff with his hover bike just makes me so happy🥲

But then magical adventure ironically outsells the sotlk rivusa moments Bcs let me say when they meet in eraklyon and she runs and pushes up on his shoulders to kiss the side of his forehead😭😭 and his hand placement just gives me life and when they kiss (with so much tenderness that my heart is exploding) his hands deadass brushes over her ass😀😀😀 (the fact that the animators made an ACTIVE DECISION TO ANIMATE THAT TOO) it just helps with my hc that musas favourite place to hold riven is around his neck and his is around her waist (and lower ig🤷‍♀️ ) and they’re holding hands to wan to the ship too🥲🥲🥲 ALSO when riven ran up to musa on the ship to tell her “I always loved playing pirates” I MEAN COME ON THEY ARE SO CUTE and when they’re all kinda mourning over sky’s dad riven just puts his hands on her shoulders to comfort her and she later just reaches back to place her palm over his hand on her shoulder😭😭😭 URGH my heart can’t handle all these moments and then when the winx get back their powers she tackles him from the back and wraps her arms around his neck while she’s flying😭 and they just stay that way and look at each other when bloom and sky kiss lol🤪 and then when they need to fly back to the ship THEYRE THE LAST COUPLE TO SEPARATE AND HE JUST HOLDS HER HAND FOR AS MUCH AS HE CAN BEFORE SHE FLIES OFF😭😭😭 ok I think I’m done with my rivusa verbal diarrhoea I spent a whole 3 hours watching magical kingdom because I kept going back and slowing down the cute rivusa crumbs and analysing everything🤪 thank you for coming to my Ted talk about why rivusa have always been and will be the best

HELPPP THIS ASK IS EVERYTHING AND MORE!!!!

I thought I was the only one obsessed with movie Rivusa, bestie I love you, I could talk about "I've always loved playing pirates" for hours straight

YOUR SO RIGHT

SotLK is about big dramatic Rivusa while MA is all about those domestic casual Rivusa moments and I could stare at them forever

I rewatch the first and second movie p often because I love and are obsessed without them thank uuu so I am absolutely the person to send this to thank u for the food

I'm so mad they cut that scene bc Riven's arc in the first movie makes so much less sense without it but it's literally the same arc again and I'm sick of is, MA forever for just letting Rivusa vibe and exist

Like I know Riven is the most interesting and well written male character in the show but give my man a break 🙄🙄🙄 his shoulders must be in so much pain form carrying most of the specialist sub plots

I love all the Rivusa kisses from the first kingdom, but the one where she was surprising him was so cute. Riven defo stuggles with being openly affectionate even tho he really really wants to be and Musa knows this show she's being affectionate enough for the both of them I love them so much sobbing

Their so soft but I can't believe you needed the movie to tell u that Riven is handsy with his s/o /j like it was so obvious. I couldn't tell you who is worse between them tbh. Musa, as seen by her s1 outfit, is more attention getting, Riven is only subtle when you compare him to her. Musa is going to kill Riven with her outfits one day, and she's not gonna even be a little sorry because it was completely intentional

The animators knoooo

My hc is that Musa really likes just attaching herself to his arm. His arm is stuck being cuddled to her chest and he's not getting it back thank youuu. That hc is because the s2 finale party is literally everything I've ever needed in Winx, but I can definitely see where your coming from. Musa is part of the "I'm going to jump on my boyfriend" coalition with Stella and Aisha

And yes true, canon

THEIR LITERALLY SO CUTE ADORABLE AND SOFT IN THAT MOVIE AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR IT

I love how Musa prefers to sneak attack Riven by jumping on his back. Stella and Aisha r so proud. She definitely does that just to mess with him. "Hahaha I snuck up on you 😜" and Riven, who damn well heard her is like "yaah you did babe" and then she messes with his pointy hair

They are BOTH CLINGY BECAUSE THEY WORRY ALOT ABOUT EACH OTHER CHANGE MY MIND I LOVE THEM SO DEARLY

YE S YES UES IVE DONE RHE SAME THING YOUR THE MOST VAILD PERSON IN THE WORLD

I completely agree and I am patiently waiting for the next ted talk this was WONDERFUL

#winx club #rus chatters #rivusa #asks #long post

[hey-kae]

anon of the long rant here: i'm italian, i know the tifosi (or most of them) currently care more about charles than ferrari, bc he's literally the driver who brought back hope after years and the fact that ferrari is fucking him up every single weekend is just 🫠

my discourse about prost was to point out that people expecting charles to shit ferrari every single time won't change shit, but hell it could make his position even worse and i was honestly overjoyed he showed to be upset during his first interview (even tho he went into a more soft approach during fred's interview, but yeah we all agree what he said in the first one was what he honestly thought)

also the 2021 thing: the year of nee regulations being introduced for 2022, the cars already in the wind tunnel and it was clear that some teams were too sure of themselves already (mercedes). also starting from last year, but especially in 2023, red bull doesn't eat the tyres like AT all. i'd say what caused this is the fact that in 2021 everytime pirelli put out the different strategies and stints of the tyres the teams would complain they were too short. so sometimes they didn't listen on how long the tyres would last and that's what happened to verstappen in baku: they kept him out too long, the rear tyre exploded and he dnfed. red bull and somebody else complained to pirelli about this and it's very likely that pirelli was like "alright" and changed the hardness of each compound, up to where we are now. red bull in 2023 has a flawless car, but also i'd say that if you have an amazing car itself + harder compounds of tyres even when they're supposed to be softer you have te result for an unbeatable team (and driver). mercedes has been good with the tyres too and so some other teams (ferrari is struggling bc after years they still can't make good suspensions, so we won't consider them in this situation 💀)

(Saw this earlier but it was race start and i wanted to take time to actually understand so sorry for not replying then even though i was active)

Honestly, what us non-italians see in comment sections is enough to feel that charles is really loved and defended by tifosi so I can’t even imagine what’s it like being italian and actually seeing it hands-on.

But definitely, you have a point. Trash talking the team in the media won’t do him no good. I like that his approach is “what i say to the team stays between me an the team” but i’m just saying they sometimes need an earful from him like yesterday. Obviously, pushing it won’t put him a good position cause what team wants a driver that talks down about it openly? I’m totally not saying he should go crazy on them in his interviews but just stop blaming himself for things that everyone sees aren’t his fault cause i hate how people ridicule him over it. The discourse of him being too soft for a championship is just annoying to me.

And about 2021, what I’m understanding is pirelli kinda adjusted the tires more or less to suit rb? (not saying they did it on purpose tho cause I don’t know enough to claim that) I honestly don’t know much about that transition phase into the new regulations so I won’t say much about it but you’re definitely right that the rb doesn’t use up its tires but rarely while the ferrari snacks on them with mercedes being an in between. It just never occurred to me to think about that from Pirelli’s side instead of the teams’ side. Like to me i just always thought “ok rb built a car that maintains tires well while some other teams like ferrari or like has couldn’t”.

(Japan last year blew my mind with how charles’ inters looked at the end actually and it wasn’t even a full race)

I’ve also read complaints about the newer tire compounds so i guess you do have a point.

But just to clarify, I do have moments where I’m angry and trash talking ferrari on here, but really at the end of the day it’s because i love this team so much and i really want charles to be able to get at least a championship with them😭

#asks

[blonkk]

the problem ab being fat with an ed is that everyone rewards you for it. like they sing with genuine praise ab how “great you look” and say shit like “wow you really dropped weight you look amazing!!” with such like…admiration. and then you don’t want to disappoint them by getting fat again.

like girl how am i supposed to say thanks but that’s really triggering my desire to cut my fat off with scissors. thanks the reason is because i haven’t eaten in a week except for water and a cucumber a day. i’ll keep going tho!!

and then like i start eating more and just kind of eat along with everyone else and my weight and size compounds….like even when i’m not over eating at all i just get bigger….and i’m not a stagnant person i am active. i cannooooottttt take it anymore i cannot look at photos of myself and want to burn my eyeballs off and want to kill my self but idk what to do anymore!!!

and there’s sooo much shit about how everyone is insecure and no one’s perfect. no shit. the problem is that so many women/girls are genuinely completely fine and it is all in their heads but with me and other genuinely fat girls it’s completely different. like it’s not in our heads. people call us fat to insult us, clothes don’t fit, humiliation is a daily thing for whatever reason (we don’t fit in the backseat, hips knock things off tables, shopping isn’t “fun” it’s torture esp when your friend is saying “omg this is so cute try it on!!” and you’re like. how to i politely break it to you that theres no way that’s getting past my calfs. cuz they’ll respond “omgggg nooo ur so pretty” shut up!! i know my body thank u!!) ahem. all the “inclusive” brands have like…some bigger girls, but they’re all just…same as everyone else, just a little bigger. everyday it’s affirmed that actual girls who fall out of the “acceptable” body sizes are deviants - they are the butt of jokes in media. they are sexualized by being called “thick” “curvy” “real women” etc. people still call you fat by saying shit like “i wish i had an ass like yours!” “i’m so jealous of your confidence” bla bla fucking bla.

anyways like. having been smaller i KNOW how people treat you differently. girls are weird and treat you as more of a threat/competition instead of their harmless cute fat sidekick who could never get male attention. guys are “nicer” ie they just hit on you and sexualize you more.

like idk how do i straddle not wanting to be liked or respected or rewarded solely bc i’m less fat and feeling genuinely less invisible and insignificant and ugly when i am bigger (when i’m not starving/torturing myself). like i want people to like me for who i am but i don’t even like me, especially when i’m not torturing myself to be smaller. it feels so weak and lazy.

the truth is that i don’t give a shit about body positivity or body neutrality or my actual health. i want to be skinny. that’s literally all i’ve ever wanted. i want to wear what i want without having to worry if it “suits my body type”. i want to try shit on without wondering if the store even carries my size. i want to be in photos without having to position myself so precisely or just have my head in without feeling the need to erase the thought of my appearance from my mind completely after seeing them. i want to stop avoiding mirrors and being obsessed with how i appear to everyone every second of the day. i don’t want everyone to tell me “you look fine! you look great here!” at a picture or whatever where i literally look like someone’s fat aunt who they’re just humouring….like that’s how everyone sees me?… that even worse than i thought!!!

like it’s so exhausting and dehumanizing trying to explain to people who don’t live like this what it’s like. they don’t fucking get it. “you’re fine, people do like you, your actually gorgeous, think more positively” how about i knife you right now. i KNOOOWWW how the world/individual people treat me. i know the closest people to me have seen me starving, purging, and more and just didn’t say anything because they honestly thought that it’s fine because i am actually fat, and i’m not in any danger. it’s really hard and all i know is that this is gonna be the rest of my fucking life and i don’t know how i’m gonna continue doing it

#tw: ed mention #tw ed rant #tw eating issues #tw ed #sorry i’m just so tired #i don’t need any reassurance i just need to get this out of my head

[automatedtellertellermachine]

Feb 7th 2024

i woke up at like 12am or 1 i don’t remember i talked to a new tumblr mutual, i actually got 2 new tumblr mutuals(different account) today, saw the words ecce homo, which is just look a person (i think)(like 90% sure) just remembered i actually used latin to get a question right on my bio quiz yesterday, bc it had noman in the name of something so i knew it had to do with naming something.

im listening to kid a (the album) by radiohead right now i’ve decided to start writing down the stand outs of the music i listen to everyday,  i read my least favorite bit of solitaire today, not because it’s bad or anything i just hate the characters, like toris grandparents suck and lucas is just ew yknow,

anyways 1st, we kept writing our scripts and good gods isabella does not get that our assignment is only one scene, she keeps suggesting things that just won’t work with our limitations like we only have a day to film this for fucks sake, that’s about it

2nd, we ran the mile, i got 10 flat, not great but yknow, feel like shit, thats probably all, just remembered i saw fucking you know who on the way to 2nd so that’s just lovely

3rd we did an activity where you had to quick to answer questions with your table and i did not almost cry don’t know who told you that, i listened to crywank and radiohead anyways i only ended up doing like a third of the assignment and im lowkey pissed off about that i feel like shit, all i want to do is scroll on tumblr, this sucks

on my way to lunch you’ll never guess who i fucking saw, that’s also got me a little pissed off, but also im feeling practically nothing so that’s just lovely

4th, i finished the test from yesterday, i can’t wait to get home and fall asleep, im listening to crywank right now, i read like a page of solitaire, i just want to go to sleep i’ve been up 13 hours and i am tired, i think that’s all

5th, we did notes i finished them quite fast, so then i quote unquote studied for my latin quiz i guess i played a bit of solitaire im listening to gb eating gb whilst listening to gb, so that’s mildly interesting ig i was asked to help with someone’s algebra homework, but i don’t remember shit about assemtotes (idk how to spell it)

6th we did a review thing and good gods my luck was horrid like genuinely terrible, then we did the quiz, it was really easy, i was actually the first person to finish, the worksheet wasn’t necessarily easy but not difficult, you just had to kinda think about it a little more than normal. im still listening to gb eating gb whilst listening to gb. um would it be cruel? be cruel, be cruel, that song has so much angst potential, i just realized that i have not ate a proper meal in days and that’s probably why im hungry, oops ig, im cold. oh yeah i got a new solitaire record in fifth, 55 seconds, its only a second less but a new records a new record right. guys both grian and mumbo posted today so i actually have a reason to not go to sleep as soon as i get home, even though i am exhausted

7th, we did a really easy thing basically showing how shit spreads ig then we did an assignment on viruses it was really easy then i played solitaire, like literally all of today, why does it feel like i write more and more each day

#attm entries #attmfeb2024

[divinexharmony]

It wasn’t until recently that I understood , what the depth of a comment I received from my Aunt held when she said she respected how noble it was that I became a stay at home mother. & the majority of the world will never understand. It’s one of those things you’ll never understand is like.. like what losing your home to a fire means, or losing a family member you loved with all of your life means. Because even at your very strongest, you watch things you can’t control happen. You trade money and the comfort of friends for a love you hope doesn’t fade. You hope you can give them a stable home. & You watch this attachment happen with your kids that only you will know because they physically have no capacity to remember anything except for extremes and you just hopes that you’re not giving extreme negativity. You watch literally everything materialistically you worked so hard for get stained, chipped, ripped, cut or broken but have no sureness in how exactly you’ll be able to replace any of it. You don’t make any money. Especially any money to replace these things. Or even to get the hygiene care you need to keep up with the new stress or even to rank with women of your age. You watch yourself desire to become the best at this job more than you’ve ever purely desired to become, and fail. or you feel like you’re failing. bc you snap. bc why do I tell you not to pull the whole toilet paper role put 10x a day for over 10 months. or you can’t draw a black marker line on literally 100 things in less than 2 minutes while I was in the bathroom that totals a loss of $3,000 and you can’t make out with your sister in the shower that’s weird. or you can’t eat lipgloss or smother yourself in all of your food. and you can’t touch your diaper. and you can’t touch knives and why have there been so many glass pieces in my feet I’ve walked around with for days multiple days a year and you can’t lock mommy outside until firemen show up and all the neighbors think I hunt myself even though I’m not even like that for anybody to see I don’t think.. why did they think that??? and you’re afraid to tell anybody bc they think they have the solution and you can’t tell them their wrong. and you live alone. but not alone but with minds that experience everything you’re experiencing but for the first time…. And you’re in charge of making it magical or else they might get your suicidal ideations. Holidays. Appointments. Taxes. Paperwork. every single cleaning detail. 98 hours+ a week. outdoors everyday, development everyday, enriching activities everyday, music for kids and appropriate adult music times everyday, shopping, fun activities and cooking that you have to include them in and when you do it takes 4x as long, good morning after goodnight . back hurting, wrists hurting, tailbone feels like it’s broken if you sit for too long, but you’ve been doing chores for so long on flat feet that your feet bone structure hurts and your hands rash even in summer for over washing, your butthole feels like it’s about to fall out if you sit in the toilet for too long on your phone. not to mention if you sit down anywhere they climb on you to regulate and it bothers you but it doesn’t until things start to fall or they start to wrestle you for your coffee. but if they’re not sitting on you they’re climbing in the counters and the tables to see what you tried to hide from them, or the couches and tables to jump off, even thought they have a huge slide that takes up all the play space. and it’s like whyyyy do you want to hurt your bodyy by trusting the world so hard just let me tell you yes or no and you see the future bc of this & then you’re afraid of being by yourself as a women outside with kids. you look over your shoulders every second , have a knife, a phone and a vape in all of your pockets, always making an escape plan. There’s never a break.

It’s not like anything regular you’ve ever known. It’s not even compatible. & it’s funny people even try to make comparisons. Bc this isn’t even the half of what it’s like to be a stay at home mom. This was just today.

[sub-bi]

A few different things have happened over the past two days so I’m making just one post because it’s easier.

First, I couldn’t sleep the night before last so I decided to edge which I have open permission for once I’m wearing the plug, but usually when I get to the edge I’m just sort of stuck there until/unless I stop/get permission (but that literally never happens); but when I was edging and I got to the edge I started to go over but then I just stopped and everything started to hurt. I think it’s a glitch because I was told I’m not allowed to cum/try to after it happened but when I was edging last night with the plug in I just stayed on the edge like usual so maybe it was just a one time glitch or maybe it just needs to be reinforced or something. I also still need to know if the whole anal only toy thing means I’m not allowed to have normal sex? I discussed it with M but he didn’t make the rule so he can’t really dictate anything, but he said he imagines anything aside from anal sex is off limits. I’m also not sure if this is applicable to everyone i hookup with or just in a bdsm context, so I really need clarity on both of those.

Then today, C arrived around 11am, I had to wear the plug because of the rule where I’m on no touch without it regardless of who I’m playing with. Everything was chill for a while and we just talked about the last scene and what went well/didn’t go so well since I went MIA for like two months after it. We came to an agreement that there wouldn’t be anymore limit pushing activities without discussing them in advance since last time it was pretty intense and it would have been fine if I’d known what to expect, but I had no idea what she had been planning. Anyway. So she arrived around 11, we talked for maybe an hour, then she told me to strip and I did. Then she had me kneel down facing her while she sat at the edge of the couch, she just pulled her panties to the side and had me eat her out until she came, then she told me to turn around and crawl to get my pump, but as soon as I turned around she noticed the plug (which I was hoping she wouldn’t notice). She asked why I was wearing it and I just told the truth because it was easier and in a way less humiliating since it wasn’t actually my choice but kinda more humiliating since I don’t even get a choice? Idk. Anyway, she was pretty excited then and asked more about types of things I have to do, she’s asked before and I usually just brush her off but I gave her a super brief overview of what my mistress had me do the last time we played, and when she found out there was a second bigger plug her eyes actually lit up and I got pretty scared, but in a fun way.

She had me go grab the bigger plug instead, while she was walking around the kitchen. I had no idea what she was doing at the time but I now know she was finding chilli oil. She followed me to the bedroom, and had me lay on my stomach. She said she was going to lube the plug up, she literally yanked the smaller one out and it hurt so much, and then she slowly started putting the other plug in, covered in what I assumed was lube but was actually like something from the pits of hell inside my ass. After resistance for maybe 30 seconds she decided to just push it in, I literally saw starts and thought I would pass out from the pain. Once the chilli oil started working I thought I was going to die, it’s probably the second most painful scene I’ve ever had, the most painful wS when my mistress used the piercing trigger everywhere when I was being a brat and had an attitude. She played around with the plug a little, she put a pillow under my hips to raise my ass up and started fucking me with the widest part of the plug. She did this for a solid twenty minutes, and I wasn’t allowed to move at all (my arms were behind my back and I wasn’t allowed to unclasp my hands). At one point when my hips started moving bc of the friction from the pillow on my clit she made me arch up higher to stop the friction. She said that anal only means anal only, and refused to let me feel anything unless it was anal-related.

After she got tired of playing with the plug she had me get off the bed and crawl to the bathroom. I had to lay my head on the toilet seat as usual while she removed the plug and inserted the enema nozzle, then she filled it with ICE cold water. She said hot water wouldn’t have helped much with the chilli oil but I think she just wanted to see me suffer more so idk. Once I was full, like, FULL, She had me clean off the plug and put it back in. The pain from the enema, the cold water, the leftover chilli oil that was still burning, and the absolute desperation for anything to touch my clit got too much and I started begging but she just laughed. She had me hold the enema while she walked me up and down the stairs on the leash, until I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even crawl anymore, and then she finally let me release it, while she stayed in the room. The entire time she laughed and made humiliating comments. After I finished releasing it, again I cleaned off the plug and she placed it back in.

We talked for another while then, she asked more about M I guess since he’s irl sometimes? He’ll be here this week and she asked if she could be involved in a scene with him, I told her I’m not sure yet. She asked what sort of stuff he has me do, and I told her he mostly makes triggers to use. She asked about punishments I usually get from either M or my Mistress and I listed off a few that I get pretty frequently. For some reason she was amazed by the diaper punishment and thought it was hilarious. She asked to see the diapers, then laid me lay down and put one on me. She laughed again, idk why it’s so funny it’s just humiliating. She said the diapers suit me since I act like such a child sometimes anyway. She said to drink plenty of water throughout the day, and not to use the restroom without permission from M or my Mistress and also not to remove the diaper without permission and not to switch to the smaller plug without permission from my Mistress or M.

So basically right now I have the really big plug in, a diaper on, and I really need to use the restroom but I’m afraid to ask because M yelled at me yesterday for making a bad choice and my Mistress also yelled at me and she’s busy so idk who I should ask or what I should do or if I should maybe deal with it myself bc C assumed someone would help me out of the predicament since she won’t be reachable for the rest of the day.

[theperfectblonde]

Did a solid 5 hours of hard work today and got sent home early bc of weather so haven’t had lunch yet yayyy lol 😭😩🙏

And that guy I ~was seeing~ ? It’s his birthday today, so I sent what I FIGURED was going to be a final goodbye happy birthday text. N O P E. this guy mf sent back a text almost IMMEDIATELY with a RED. HEART. wtf am I supposed to do with that!!!??!?!?!?!!!!! 3 weeks of no contact and this mf really does that to me… lol OKAY THEN

I’m so messed up man lmao. 😭

On the plus side, and idk if the scale was accurate or not… I tried to eat less at dinner last night cause again I am STARVING after work and literally can’t not eat cause I’m doing so much physical labour for work now, but I woke up at 149.4lbs which is literally a almost pound less than my lowest weight on my bday of 150.2 :’)

So… I guess good to see that it’s dropping again with all the activity I’ve been doing every day. Still feel like I look so bloated though but we don’t have veggies still at home so it’s hard, plus I’ve been drinking so much water that the only time I look semi-skinny is in the mornings :’) mentally I think it’s been better for me to not be tracking it daily (I still weigh daily I just don’t track/compare), but it’s kind of frustrating that it’s literally been 3 weeks and I’ve only lost ONE POUND :)))))))) I know that ~any progress is good progress~ or whatever but it’s like… wtf man. I guess I can’t expect too much though when I’m not restricting and basically eating normally again until though 😀🙃😂

And as happy as I am about it, it’s really weird and sometimes makes me feel awkward because all the guys at work are commenting on it. Like stuff like you look good, I can tell you looked after yourself over the winter, or just straight up “you’re so skinny now” lmfao 😂 which I’m flattered and it’s nice to know it’s noticeable, but I feel so bad about how big I got and then about how big I still feel. Or they’ll even make comments about the fact that I still have “love handles” and “bingo wings”. And like… it personally doesn’t hurt my feelings that much cause I know they’re not trying to be malicious with it, but those comments still kind of get to me sometimes. And it’s just weird how they’re commenting on it constantly, idk. I’ve never been told how skinny I am on the daily before, especially when I still feel/look so fat. Like my stomach is still HUGE when I’m not sucking it in. I don’t have any noticeable muscles, and no definition anywhere but my calves lol. I think maybe it’s just stressful bc I’m just very aware that people are constantly looking at me, and even now that I’m skinnier people are STILL judging my body. 😂😂 meanwhile I kind of just feel like a walking marshmallow. And there’s a big part of me that still feels like I’m going to gain it all back at some point.

Idk idk boys and food continue to be the #1 stressor in my life, so I guess all that to say nothings changed and things apparently just stay the same actually 😂😂

#day x

[cowboyoctane]

sitting down at my pc to stare at my empty word doc

#BDJDBSOJSOABDKWJDHFB MDNDISBSISHSOAHFNBFSHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA #sorry had to yell for a sec #i feel like i’m running in a circle bc i just keep getting stuck i’ve written myself in a fourfold #circle #it’s been two months wtf #it’s fine i’m fine #sorry everyone reading this #this weekend i’m just going to go back to basics and outline the chapter again #i’ve been less active bc this is literally eating at me

[totalspiffage]

Dude shut up about being fat literally no one cares about you or your weight. This is why fat people are “always bullied” bc it’s all y’all can talk about. It’s the only topic in your head that’s worth anything to you bc you have to convince people you like yourself so you can believe that you do, too. I ought to start ACTUALLY treating fat people the way y’all seem to think the world does, since it all obviously revolves around y’all anyways. Most self obsessed group of people I’ve ever had to interact with and for what? All you’re trying to do is convince the people around you that you’re confident, so no one will notice that you’re just bullying thin people to make yourself feel better in the same vein that the “not like other gorls” did to “preppy” girls to make themselves feel superior, too. It’s not hard to just not talk about it, just like every single thin person does every single day. Y’all are so fucking full of yourselves in the most skin-deep way lmaooo

Okay. I want you to understand a few things. You probably won't look twice at my blog ever again and that's fine, but I think this is a chance for understanding.

This is an immensely rude way of interacting with anyone, not just me. That doesn't really bother me. Let's take a look at some of your statements/assumptions and break them down, okay?

"I ought to start ACTUALLY treating fat people the way y’all seem to think the world does, since it all obviously revolves around y’all anyways."

Sure I talk about being fat a lot. I'll take that. The more I talk about it the more people will see that fat isn't a dirty word or moral failure. Anyway the world does hate us, and being mad at fat people isn't going to make diet culture less prevalent. I will not put it up against issues like racism etc but know that these issues often overlap.

Medical weight stigma is rampant-

Many doctors misdiagnose and abuse us, using shame as policy.

31% of nurses in one study "would prefer not to treat (fat) patients"

Doctors don't know how to treat us and are aware that they treat us badly.

Moral judgements of food and weight are prevalent in so many communities

Fat stigma is everywhere

It is a legal form of discrimination, especially in hiring

Fatphobia is rooted in racism

"All you’re trying to do is convince the people around you that you’re confident, so no one will notice that you’re just bullying thin people to make yourself feel better in the same vein that the “not like other gorls” did to “preppy” girls to make themselves feel superior, too."

Nowhere do I say anything about thin bodies being lesser or less deserving of love. I am centering fat bodies like mine as thin bodies are frequently praised and centered instead, and normalizing my own body. I do think many people with smaller bodies who have not been fat do not understand the extent of our issues, which is why we HAVE to talk about it.

Weight stigma leads to avoidance of physical activity

Intuitive eating encourages better mental health, less disordered eating

It's worth mentioning that spreading "positivity" is not my goal- just acceptance, neutrality.

I doubt anyone who sent a message like this will actually read these things (I tried to find as many studies with full text available as possible) but the least I can do it just try to correct stuff. Perhaps look at the reasons that a fat person talking about their own experiences makes you angry.

#long post #fatphobia cw #weight mention #body image #food discussion

[mikami]

-I apologize, this is going to be a long mini rant, but your blog is like a safe haven, and I’m interested in your perspective. What THE HECK happened to Near? This no-nonsense, methodical boy with the sassy smiles and the thrill of the game is one of my favorite manga characters, and the follow-ups just… butchered him. Like, the manga ended on a nice note, he’s L, doing his thing. And then the bonus chapter added literally nothing.

-I wondered if the point was to show that he came into his own as Near!L as he did the most unlike-L!L thing possible, but did we really need that? And then came the one-shot and I fumed. This millennial boy who grew up with the technology doesn’t have plans and contingencies for instances like that, for people being untraceable through the internet? He hasn't evolved? How is this his defeat when he never even tried? And he wanted to MEET this guy? That’s not like Near. That’s MAYBE L. -And it bugs me fiercely that he’s not wearing socks and that he’s ‘mean like the old L.’ And he doesn’t’ smile. Like... How? Why?! I’d thought maybe Obha highlighted his less active approach, but Near DID act when he needed to in DN, he was just passive compared to L and Mello, so that doesn’t make sense, and he was doing fine for a decade anyway. I thought maybe he’s grown bitter but if you’re gonna introduce that, you have to go a bit deeper! -So now I’ve come to think that Obha simply didn’t know how to handle Near and resent it, bc if Near were to be involved, a)he’d solve the case, b)it would detract from Minoru’s ‘phenomenal brilliance’ (like CALM DOWN THERE, NEAR, YOU BEAT KIRA, and you’re so impressed by THIS?). This wasn’t about Near, and so his character got screwed in the process. Same goes for the Task Force, ffs, "oh noes a death note what to do!" Idk.. sth? ANYTHING? End of the mini rant, and thank you for your time <3.

I think Ohba definitely is going with the notion that the impact the Kira case had on Near in the long run is a negative one, yeah.

I'm... pretty neutral on the development myself, but I think the way it is intended to read is something like this:

In the finale, Near realizes with perfect clarity that he himself isn't enough to be L. Previously, he'd been perfectly down to work with Mello but overall thought of himself as up-to-the-task. But realizing that he would have absolutely died without Mello's proactiveness leaves him with a feeling of inadequacy that continues to haunt him.

This shows up in a very minor way at the end of the main manga, when Near is eating chocolate in tribute to Mello - or channeling Mello, maybe? With Mello gone, he has to somehow become both of them to be equal to the position that has been thrust upon him.

And the first oneshot elaborates on this feeling.

It ends on the visual representation of Near feeling overwhelmed by L, in L's shadow, crushed by the burden of his legacy.

Small small Near surrounded by a ton of giant Ls of his own creation, having to be reminded that the name is his own now and that he is allowed to make it so - but Near isn't sure he should. Because being just himself, working his own way, almost lead to disaster.

The warehouse incident has not left him without scars.

And the 2020 oneshot then leans into that perspective on Near even harder - like, as much as I adore the long hair design, I think the intent behind it is to make Near look unkempt and unmotivated.

The idea is that Near has never regained his confidence after the initial Kira case, never had the chance to regain his confidence because there was no comparable case whatsoever - and thus more than being incapable by nature, Near holds himself back out of perceived inadequacy compared to the more active players.

So... like the choice or not, I think it is at least an intentional character progression?

#answers #it makes me kinda sad #near should get fulfillment #and not be crushed by this job he doesnt even like that much

[deonideatta]

hi hi i heard you like chief kim and i'm here to get all the intel on why it's a good drama 😊 and what you love about park jae bum's other dramas 😊 pls let me know if there's romance bc that's the oxygen i breathe when i watch a show 💕

Hello!!! Thank you for asking me about Chief Kim!!!! I can go on about it for ages lol. This got a bit long so i’m putting it under a cut

Chief Kim (aka Good Manager) is a comedy office drama with 20 eps, and it aired in 2017. There isn’t a main romance plotline, but don’t let that put you off! It’s an incredible drama in so many ways. (tho there is a subtle romance side plot, but it doesn’t involve the main character and it’s never the main focus, though it is cute). It does feature a bromance that was so great that the two actors literally won an award for it tho lol, so there’s also that!

In a way, the general premise is somewhat similar to Vincenzo in that it’s the main character and an unlikely team of others fighting a big corporation. The comedic tone is also more or less the same. The drama follows Kim Seong Ryong (the titular Chief Kim, played by Namgoong Min), a man with a talent for handling numbers who goes from running a seedy accounting firm to quite accidentally becoming a champion of employees rights in one of the biggest corporations in the country. He originally joins the company with the goal of embezzling a lot money and moving abroad, but he gets swept up in office politics surrounding high executives and the sinister goings on surrounding the position he was recruited for, as well as the shady things the higher-ups want him to do and the suspicion of the other members of his department. Eventually he starts to work alongside them to fight the corruption of the higher ups, and quickly becomes the bane of top management’s existence by being so incredibly annoying that they begin to regret hiring him.

It’s the kind of drama that really gets you to laugh, while still being incredibly heartwarming. The main character is so unashamedly funny, and the character dynamics are all so warm, and none of it ever seems forced. The first tag for the drama on MyDramaList is “character development”, and that says a lot! There’s so much growth that goes on for all the characters, even some of the villains! It’s especially funny because to begin with all the good things Kim Seong Ryeong does are completely by accident, and he’s annoyed but also pleased with all the attention it gets him. Over time he begins to own it, and begins to actively try to stand up to the corrupt people at the top of the company. The other highlight for me besides the humor is definitely the characters. From the eccentric main character, to the no-nonsense second in command in his department Yoon Ha Kyung, to the aggressive finance director Seo Yul who is always eating (one of my all time favourite characters, played by 2PM’s Junho), to the janitor lady who always roasts everyone, there isn’t a single dull character, whether good or bad. And Seo Yul gets one of the best character arcs I’ve ever seen in a kdrama. You get to watch the characters struggle and triumph, and you feel for them because their struggles feel so real, and the drama really gets you invested in them. You see the ways in which they fight to survive as normal working class citizens and you want them to win.

It differs from Vincenzo in that the main character isn’t considered evil and loses his less savoury traits over the course of the drama (his character arc is one of becoming a more upstanding citizen), and the message is one of fighting against corporate greed using the corporate system against itself in order to make things better for the average working citizen. But there’s the same plotting, and the same feeling of rooting for the protagonist team to win as you watch them plot and plan. I never rewatch things, but i’ve rewatched Chief Kim twice already and i’m looking forward to rewatching it again soon (just writing about it is making me want to rewatch it right now lol). It especially hits well for me because i love office dramas, and the humor and the bromance are just right. (Also, not entirely related, but it’s the first drama Kim Seonho was in!)

Another Park Jaebum drama i can definitely recommend is The Fiery Priest! It’s also a comedy action drama with 20 eps (released in 2019), and it follows Kim Hae Il (Kim Nam Gil), a catholic priest with a real temper, as he works to solve the mystery surrounding the death of a senior priest. No romance there either, but it’s got the same humor as Chief Kim and Vincenzo, and the same overarching found family trope (that really shines for this one). It’s darker than Chief Kim, but not as dark as Vincenzo. The plot is very intriguing, and it’s the kind of drama you feel compelled to keep watching to see what happens next. And the host of characters in that drama is still one of my favourites to this day. Every character was incredibly written, and they all played vital roles in the overall story. Again, lots of character development all round, and great character arcs not just for the main character (even for a few of the villains!). Plus it was lovely to watch the various characters interact, get closer, and build relationships. Such an iconic squad. Not to mention how funny it is?? And the fight scenes??? In fact, I enjoyed it so much that when I checked Park Jaebum’s page on MyDramaList after watching it around June last year and saw Vincenzo as an upcoming project, I added it to my plan to watch list immediately even though there was only a single line of synopsis lol. It’s also got an absolute banger of a soundtrack!

When you think about it, all three (Chief Kim, TFP and Vincenzo) can be simplified to “guy with dubious past sets out to fight corruption and creates a great support circle in the process”. All three are dramas of finding people who care about you and are willing to fight alongside you, and fighting for your convictions/what you think is right. Each main character starts out as a somewhat solitary figure, and you get to watch as they each find people who are willing to fight alongside them and support them. What exactly those specific convictions are varies in each drama, but Park Jaebum writes the character development arcs incredibly each time, and the relationships between the characters are so real and so satisfying to watch. And yet the integrity of the main character in each drama is never compromised either, it’s shown that they can grow and become better without losing themselves. The growth is also in the way that they learn to work with and rely on others, because teamwork makes the dream work. And then to cap it all off he lets them have victories, and he makes it SO satisfying??? There are highs and there are lows, and you feel all of those right there with the characters, which makes the victories feel so so good. In each we see the ensemble cast get involved with the fight and the plotting, and we get to see all their epic plans and their execution, and the victories they win that build up over time. And it’s so satisfying to me! I love it a lot, just thinking about it is making me smile lol. It also shows how well humor and darker/more serious plotlines/events are balanced in the dramas, neither is compromised in favour of the other, but it always works so well that the humor never feels forced or out of place. As someone who doesn’t like overbearingly dark shows, I really appreciate that. They all give you lots to laugh at, while not losing any of the plot to the funny.

Of course there are differences, notably the romance, and the fact that Vincenzo is bad vs bad rather than good vs bad like the other two. They deal more with redemption (especially The Fiery Priest), but that works for the stories that are being told, and it’s very well executed.

It’s worth noting that Park Jaebum also wrote Good Doctor and 4 seasons of God’s Quiz. I haven’t checked those out yet, but I’ve heard good things about all of them. He also wrote Blood, I haven’t seen that one either but opinions seem to be split on how good it was. All of those are medical dramas (which is the reason I haven’t watched them lol, i can’t stand medical dramas) from before 2017, when he wrote Chief Kim. It seems he’s been on a roll since then, good for him and good for us lol. You can see everything he’s written on his MyDramaList page.

Overall I enjoyed the Park Jaebum dramas I have seen for first and foremost the comedy, but also for the warmth of the character relationships and for how well developed/written each character is. And I love how he balances the humor with more poignant/darker moments, I laughed a lot watching all three dramas, but I’ve cried over each of them as well. It’s a good balance to have, it gives you a good plot to be interested in, but doesn’t keep you stressed and sombre the whole way through. I’ve seen people say that Vincenzo wouldn’t be as good if it wasn’t so wacky, and I fully agree. It’s the same for both TFP and Chief Kim, and that balance is definitely what I appreciate most in Park Jaebum’s dramas. I know I will laugh, but I also know I will get an incredible plot and incredible characters, and that’s really important for me. Plus I know I can trust that there will be a good ending because the writer cares about his characters.

I definitely recommend checking out both TFP and Chief Kim after Vincenzo is done, especially since they’re so similar in terms of comedic tone and basic plot direction. If you ever get to watching either of them feel free to hmu to chat about it!! There’s lots of plot stuff that can be can discussed.

lol this got v long (i have lots to say about how much i love these dramas haha), but I hope it’s helpful!!!

#a breakdown on why i love the park jaebum dramas i've seen so far #it was nice to sit and actually think about it/write the reason out lol #im very passionate about it sdfsdf #chief kim and the fiery priest are perhaps my favourite dramas ever #and vincenzo is looking to join them #vincenzo #the fiery priest #chief kim #kdrama #no spoilers

[thevirgodoll]

My mental health has been stopping my success no matter how hard I try. I’ve been going to therapy and getting help and it’s getting a little better but it’s still unbelievably hard. I’d love to hear your tips on being gentle bc sometimes the thoughts get too much. And the people around me aren’t the kindest (working on getting out of this situation as well)

•get some sleep...ik this is the hardest thing but YOU NEED 8 HOURS - it changes everything...less sleep for me brings on an episode

•journaling: when things get rough literally just open a document or a diary and just let it all out, don’t worry about making it perfect...just do a stream of consciousness daily to analyze your thought process and be honest n real

•have a hobby...it will make you feel so much better

•remember that you have something impacting your brain and life...it is NOT your fault

•have someone that will hold you accountable and check in on you!!!

•get away from negative people...they’re a poison to you - if they happen to be in your space then limit your interactions with them and don’t give them any reaction. give them NOTHING! leave them fighting for attn

•be honest about your bad days!!! stop holding back on that because you’ll just feel like garbage

•depressive episodes? set timers to eat, set timers to shower, for everything

•prepare yourself when you’re feeling bad, have your snacks and movies and everything and just take it easy stop berating yourself just be nice and acknowledge that you’re sick and you deserve rest

•workout at home with a baddie playlist...get yourself moving or dance to some music

•have compassion for yourself the same way you have for other ppl. stop treating yourself like you don’t have feelings

•validate yourself...don’t overlook your trauma or pain. everyone is hurting. you’re allowed to hurt it doesn’t matter how far gone you think you are or how bad of a person your mental illness claims you are..you are doing okay and it’s going to get better. it’s not easy but it’s worth it. let your heart cry, and let your inner child catch a break. for once, just stop carrying the weight of it all.

•DONT LET ANYONE DEMONIZE OR STEREOTYPE YOUR MENTAL ILLNESSES!! this is why people invalidate themselves!! trust me i have a loottttt to say on this. people do NOT get it and i understand, trust me they use bipolar as an adjective (when it has multiple states??? so it makes no sense), they think my ADHD only means i’m smart and can’t pay attn (that’s...not even the half of it), and that there’s no disability or chronic illness...don’t let ppl downplay anything!!!!!!!! and don’t let ppl make you feel bad for meds either like? the ignorance!

•when intrusive thoughts come, take a deep breath and acknowledge how you’re feeling...question them...ask about the rationality...combat them with statements about yourself (“well i’m smart so that’s just not true.” “i know i’m loved so that’s just an irrational thought”). THE NEGATIVITY ITS ALL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS! but not facts

•combat more thoughts with comforting statements like

“i know this situation will pass”

“this feeling won’t last forever”

“i won’t fight my feelings. but i know they won’t be allowed to stay much longer. i’m going to focus on this opportunity to take back control of my life. my thoughts don’t control me, i do.”

“this will all be over soon. everything will be okay.”

•be honest in therapy...yes we can joke about lying but it does nothing but stunt your growth. tell the truth, the therapist is only there to help. this is a form of self love - you’re being honest and getting the treatment you deserve because you deserve to win!!!

•if you take medicine, don’t skip doses...no matter how hard the day is, you’re going to feel much worse if you skip any doses. you’re going to feel dead inside and absolutely horrible. medicine may not work one day but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a better day tomorrow. medicine isn’t guaranteed to always work, you’re going to still have bad days. monitor your progress though, if you have more bad days than good, schedule the appointment (if you have a mood disorder, consider the fact that you may be in an episode love). but do not stop meds without speaking to your doctor. and if your meds are working, don’t skip doses and stay hydrated and watch your alcohol intake / or don’t drink because all of these things can mess with the effectiveness of your meds.

•you may feel like being alone is worse than anything, but it’s not. your own company will end up being the best. this is the time to learn about yourself. cook new things. change your wardrobe. again, hobbies!!! learn new languages. have fun with yourself...do a exercise of 5 things you’re grateful for, qualities you love about yourself, and things you look forward to with yourself as far as mental health improvement. now on the flip side, don’t isolate yourself!!! let your loved ones in, and let them be there especially if they’re healthy to be around and they understand and are trying.

•suicidal thoughts: if you’re feeling this way, i understand...and because i understand i’m not going to make you feel bad about passively feeling this way. these thoughts that creep in are the worst, and they can cycle for hours on end even if you don’t WANT to do this. it’s going to be okay angel, i promise. don’t suffer in silence. and if you actively want to or still passively, please please PLEASE remember. you are important, worthy, and loved beyond measure... my inbox stays open for any and all concerns. love u all