#i’m just. so tired of this kind of performative bullshit

[the1975attheirverybest]

I get that it upsets people to think about Matty possibly falling out with someone he was (seemingly) close with, but if I got online and saw people pitying me like that I’d commit a crime. Like you said, it dehumanizes him. He’s so patient and respectful with us, all he expects is the same patience and respect back. He already gives so much of himself to us, through his art and just daily interactions, no one should think they’re entitled to anymore than he’s willing to share. He’s literally talked multiple times about how he struggles with fame and how much the press fucked with him as a child, he was famous before but one month hanging around TS and suddenly he’s everywhere, it’s just sad to think that his own fans are participating in it.

It’s literally just gossip, but if it’s true, it doesn’t concern us. Friendships end all the time, people grow apart, shit happens. If all this TS stuff never happened no one would be questioning why he didn’t make it to the wedding.

It’s also disappointing because he JUST came back to socials. All this shit (starting with the TikTok) starts up and suddenly he’s gone again. Yeah, I’m sure it has to do with the breaks they’ve had and him spending time in LA, but part of me wonders if he just doesn’t feel like interacting with fans online when he doesn’t have to. I know he comes and goes all the time, but either way, he sees all of this bullshit and fans know it. Theories about his personal life should be kept in DMs (or preferably in their heads).

I know people send you dumb shit but you’re one of the few people I’ve seen actually shut it down, or give a logical, reasonable explanation. I’m also loving Reddit right now since the mods delete any speculation about his personal life.

Anyways, this ended up being way too long, and it’s also me being a hypocrite for speculating, but these past few months have been exhausting, I thought it would let up after May. I know he’s a celebrity but he’s not like most celebrities. He interacts with us like we’re on the same level, he willingly spends time in online fan spaces, he goes out his way to make us happy. Sorry for ranting in your inbox, but this all just bums me out.

Yes I strongly agree with this, especially his social media presence because I’ve seen the shit that people tag him in. And it’s insane. He’s got thick skin and a healthy detachment from peoples views of him but he’s still a human being. It can’t always be easy.

I don’t think we appreciate his love for his job and his fans enough. Some days in May were REALLLYYY hard for him. Twice he had to go onstage and perform less than an hour after some nasty articles were being published about him. I love my job and my students more than I love myself. I would do it for free if the university didn’t pay me. But I don’t know if I would be able to keep it together if I were in Matty’s shoes. And sometimes he was the one talking us down. “I’m still here and I love you guys.” “Some people they have people. I have you guys.” C’mon! How does it not feel awful participating in behavior that hurts him or is in any way shape or form harmful towards an artist like that? He’s so good to us and goes above and beyond all the fucking time. And he’s spoken so much about how important it is to him that he connects with people and builds this sense of community cuz it’s a way to combat the doom and gloom of our current state. He’s always open and generous and kind. He’s given stage props to fans. He’s had a fan onstage to play guitar for robbers. He’s played songs that were not on the setlist just cuz people have requested them and he’s humble enough to feel that the show is about the audience not about him, so he will go out of his way to give the audience the best time that he can possibly give. and his own fuckin fans are doing this to him??? Unacceptable. and I’m so tired of it. This fandom is way better than this. We never used to do this kind of thing. We should cut this shit out before it becomes permanent.

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

From reddit. Reminded me of someone.

"To me, Stevie has always had the air of someone who lacks a real social life, and she is incurably wrapped up in her own version of her history and how she perceives that people see her.

I used to find her arrogance and self aggrandisement endearing and eccentric, but as she gets old, the level of her detachment is worrying. You can pretty much play bullshit bingo with her interviews… the breathy, superlative way she talks about her own clothes or homes, the way she talks up her own character, sometimes quite aggressively, with zero provocation, stories about her past that don’t quite ring true. She talks about her career as if she’s the only woman who has ever written and performed her own songs or been in a band, when of course she’s one of a fairly large number and she’s actually not one of the most prolific. She talks about her own songs as if they are absolute classics and even quotes her own lyrics in interviews. She will bash away at the piano with all the skill, grace and rhythm of a well fed monkey, but appears to believe she’s playing like Christine. She talks about her ‘art’ as if it has never occurred to anyone else to pick up a pencil and draw. And she talks about the personal sacrifices she’s made as if she’s done the world a massive favour like Jesus or Aslan, and says it with a fervour that kind of seems like she’s still trying to convince herself as well as everybody else. And still talking about Lindsey and speculating about their relationship with a depth that often crosses the line of disrespect and bad taste. They broke up forty-five years ago and he’s happily married with children.

I think the word I’m skirting around is ‘delusion’. Stevie’s self importance is something that has been there throughout her entire career, and it has always coloured her music, almost like a trademark. In her songs, like all her well trodden anecdotes, she is always the victim, the mediator or the hero, or various combinations of the three. But Lindsey’s right, she is lonely, and it’s obvious. Her extreme lack of self awareness is a textbook sign of a lack of meaningful interactions with people. Perhaps her arrogance has pushed people away, but she has clearly surrounded herself with colleagues and acquaintances who are not correcting her, and that has made things even worse.

I have no doubt that she genuinely believes this narrative web she has woven around herself, partly because there is no one to tell her otherwise, and partly because it is all she has. I absolutely believe that she did have Lindsey fired, but I think for her it was just a hugely misguided way of shaking up the tired-ass Lindsey/Stevie narrative. I think she figured there’d be a reunion at some point and it would all be another string-laden chapter in this legendary love story she thinks exists. But she did not consider that this is his career too, and he had (and has) every right to be angry. I think the lack of meaningful relationships in her life has created a mindset where the people who are in her life are nothing more than dispensable extras in the Stevie story, characters for her songs, to be dismissed and sent for as she sees fit.

I’m so happy he’s spoken out and I hope people listen. More than that, I hope she listens. I just hope 73 isn’t too old to wake up and, basically, get a life.

Don’t get me wrong, but I am a Stevie fan and have been for a long time. I adore her music and listen to her often, but I have no illusions about her. I find her personality unbearable."

This is about Stevie Nicks, and the references to Lindsey Buckingham are to this disgraceful, late episode of Fleetwood Mac. The lawsuit was settled.

True about Stevie’s isolation and narcissistic delusions, and also true about the similarity to Harry Styles. The difference is that Stevie really did have outstanding musical talent.

#stevie nicks #harry styles

[memestockpile]

three fugitives (1989) feel free to change as needed.

i thought you might be lonesome. 

what a performance you must have given that parole board.

i try to look at the bright side. 

you wanna bet?

give me a ride.

i kind of had the feeling you’re naive. 

you did that on purpose!

give yourself up. you don’t have a chance. 

ok, be cool.

still can’t believe it, smart ass?

you’re a fucking asshole. 

what kind of jerk does he think i am?

cut the bullshit!

i think i’m gonna faint. 

these bastards want my ass.

if you think you can weasel my money away from me, you are greatly mistaken. 

you have me up to my neck in shit!

i’m not going to prison! i can’t go to prison!

i could have jumped a lot higher than that.

you have been nothing but trouble. 

you lost a lot of blood.

i know someone who can take care of you. he’s not far from here. 

there’s no such thing as friends if he’s a doctor. 

a friend of mine has been hurt. 

i didn’t know where else to go. 

can you just take out a bullet and bandage the wound? 

what is this crap?

you’ll be better in no time. you’ll see. 

here. bite on this. 

come on, honey. 

don’t be afraid, sweetheart. 

everything’s fine. everything’s ok. 

i’m in trouble and it’s sort of your fault, you know. 

i have to get out of the country, and i need a fake id, but i don’t have a clue where to get that sort of stuff. 

drop dead. 

when you’re homeless, they take your children away. 

that’s a terrible thing to do, but i’m gonna do it anyway. 

thanks. thanks a million. 

don’t look anyone in the eye on the street. 

when you’re on the lam, you don’t want to be noticed, so you keep your head down, your eyes on the ground. 

be suspicious of everyone. 

beat it. i’m tired. 

he’s very, very weak, like a little baby, so you have to protect him.

i don’t want a kid in here pestering me. 

you better watch where you’re going, buddy. 

that’s balls. 

you really are very cute. 

i said i wanted to be left alone!

don’t be afraid of him. he won’t bite you. 

what’s the matter? kitty-cat got your tongue?

you sleep here, big guy?

i want you to wait right here, you understand? don’t budge. 

how come you don’t talk?

you’re losing your nerve. 

living on the run is hell. 

you got an honest face. 

don’t let me cry. 

this is the happiest day of my life. 

do you have a handkerchief? 

you could maybe stay with us just a little bit longer. 

quit yacking!

this place is rolling with cops. 

he’s the kinda guy that gives candy to little kids. 

you have to eat, you hear me?

if you want, i’ll visit you every day. 

you’re so thin.

i’ll bring you a cake tomorrow, would you like that?

the food here’s gotta be lousy. 

you scared me!

is that you that smells like fish?

i’m gonna put you back in bed. 

i just haven’t eaten that much lately. haven’t slept, either. 

she’s not gonna die, is she?

stop saying that shit! you’ll jinx us, asshole!

you’re giving me the willies. 

there’s nothing to eat in this stupid house!

maybe we should order a pizza. 

now, i want you to eat everything, you hear?

it’s better to be grotesque than dead.

i’m too ugly. i’ll never pull it off!

looks don’t matter.

i look ridiculous.

not only are they gonna arrest us, they’re gonna laugh themselves silly. 

god, what a sight. 

you know you have to fatten up. you’re too skinny. 

if fate had been a little kinder to me, i would still be working and leading a normal life. 

i finished off the caviar and oysters for breakfast.

i feel lousy. 

you look like shit. 

i don’t think you had to say all that. 

if they ask any questions, i’m screwed. 

fix your wig, darling. 

are you doing okay, little lady?

why don’t those jerks leave?

i’ll come visit. honest. it’ll be like we never were apart. 

we’ll have lots of fun, the three of us. 

oh, please, [name], don’t look at me like that. 

i’ve been on the run too long. i just can’t take it anymore. 

i’m gonna miss you. i’ll never forget you. 

maybe i’d better stay with you guys a little longer. 

#roleplay sentence meme #sentence starter meme #rp sentence meme #sentence starters #sentence meme #askbox rp #askbox meme #ask meme #askbox #ask #inbox rp meme #rp inbox meme #inbox meme #roleplay meme #tumblr roleplay #roleplay #rp meme #meme

[useless-fanfictions]

Awkward Teenage Crush Kiss | Hevans

Pairing: Kurt Hummel/Sam Evans Fandom: Glee Rating: Teens+ Tags: awkward kiss, crushes, fluff 3336 words | 1/1 chapter | completed Ao3 Link

Summary: {Anonymous Prompt: I’d love to read a Heavans 38 Kiss (Awkward teenage crush kiss)} Or, Sam Evans has a crush on Kurt and he doesn't think Kurt knows about it. Spoiler alert, Kurt most definitely knows.

1

Sam most definitely does not have an issue. Nope. Definitely not. 

He doesn’t watch the way the drumstick twirls expertly between slim fingers and he most definitely does not watch the muscles and tendons in the arm twitch and bulge with the movement of said drumstick. He doesn’t because he doesn’t have an issue at all – it’s that simple.

Sam crosses his arms and shifts on his feet, so entirely thankful of the distraction that Rachel offers the group. Apparently now she’s not getting a nose job – which Sam never saw the problem with (if it didn’t harm her or anyone else, who where they to tell her that she shouldn’t?) – and Sam is glad that she’s choosing this moment to announce it.

Especially because it gives Sam more time to not stare at Kurt’s slim waist, cocked hip, and almost bored expression. Gah, how much that looks stirs something inside of Sam is kind of ridiculous.

“Sam?” Mike is cocking his head and before Sam can focus on his buddy, Mike is following his line of sight.

“Oh,” is all Mike says. The tall Asian man claps him on the shoulder and gives him a pitied look.

Sam jerks back because he doesn’t know what that means at all, but he doesn’t want Mike to be assuming things. He wasn’t staring at Kurt or watching the way his hair sways when he moves because it’s standing up and sexily – artfully – tousled. He doesn’t want Mike reading into things that aren’t there.

This isn’t the first time since Kurt transferred back that Sam has had to try to bullshit himself about his feelings.

The feelings that he’s still trying to convince himself that don’t exist are the same ones that keep his heart thrumming quickly against his sternum every time the other boy comes into the room and the same ones that keep him up all night. Fantasies, both light-hearted sweet and dirty, keep him up and make him tired for school the next day, but he doesn’t have it in him to get upset at himself. He’s been trying to come around to this whole new set of feelings that seem to have just been plopped into his lap.

The glee club walks off stage. Now that Rachel is here, they will be running through the Lady Gaga routine. They’ve got it near-perfect, and this is the first dress rehearsal – which, as far as Sam can tell, is them making great progress.

“Look,” Sam catches Mike’s arm, stopping the other teen from following the rest of the group in. Sam waits until Artie has rolled off stage until he drops his voice to a whisper, eyes scanning the room to see if they’re being listened to or not, “I don’t know what you think you saw, but bro-“

Mike interrupts him, “You’re in denial still?”

“What?” he asks dumbly.

Mike glances up to where Sam knows – has no idea actually, because he hadn’t been watching him – Kurt is and then looks back at Sam. “I went through the same thing, Tina helped me figure it out and she’s been really supportive. So all I’m saying is that I get it.”

Sam may be a little slow to grasp things sometimes, but is Mike saying what he thinks he’s saying? “What?” he asks again because he’s not sure what else to say.

“Come on, guys,” Mr. Schuester ushers the two of them off the stage the rest of the way.

“I’m here if you need,” Mike smiles politely at him and goes over to his girlfriend and wraps his arms around her in a tight but quick hug. Then Tina, Mercedes, and Kurt are marching past Sam to go back onto the stage – oh right, they start the number. 

Sam tries to watch the performance as innocently as everyone else does until his cue pulls him out onto the stage with the rest of his friends.

2

Two days later, the glee club master the “Born This Way” performance and then they are back in the choir room and Mr. Schue is giving out the newest lesson. Sam is only partially paying attention because it is getting to the end of the school year and spring is in full swing (with the summer heat right on its tail) and the choir room has always had poor circulation meaning they froze in the winter and now that it’s warming up everyone is quick to shed their layers – including Kurt.

Dressed down to just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Sam can’t help but notice how different he is from the boy who left McKinley earlier this year. He had been shorter and way skinnier (Sam realizes now that he must not have been eating properly) and now that he’s grown and filled out a little bit, people can’t help but notice him when he walks into a room. Especially today with his pale arms and long neck on full display.

The week’s lesson is a simple touch-up on the group’s choreography because Schue says something about not wanting to start anything too strong when they are getting close to when they should start preparing for nationals.

He then uses Kurt to demonstrate a few of their known moves and Sam’s in his own personal hell because he should be watching the way Kurt keeps his back straight and poised while he spins and how his foot flexes and keeps a perfect point outwards when he kicks his leg into the air, not the way the tendons in his neck flex when he bends down or the way his pants hug his ass and crotch so perfectly as if he’d chosen them for that very reason.

Sam’s mouth floods with saliva when he thinks about what those pants are hiding, and he feels like a disgusting predator. Kurt had just gotten back to his school and friends after needing to escape from an abusive closeted gay boy – what the hell is Sam thinking that he’s doing?

But then Kurt finished the short set of moves with a flick of his hair, standing more up from his face than laying relaxed on his forehead like Sam remembers it from before. And Sam knows that he loves Kurt’s hair, he’s not sure why, but it’s one of the many attractive things about this boy-

Someone aggressively kicks his chair. He jerks forward and almost falls out of it and onto the floor.

“What the-“ he turns and sees Mike glaring at him.

“I asked you a question, Sam,” Mr. Schue is saying, pulling Sam’s attention from the other football player.

“Oh,” Sam rubs his hands together nervously and flicks his eyes around the room, they’re all staring at him and he doesn’t even want to know what they’re thinking.

Wonderful for him that Puck can’t keep a single thought to himself. “Yeah, so stop daydreaming about Doll Face over there and pay attention.”

There are a couple of people who laugh and snicker and Sam feels his face heat up in embarrassment. When he looks up again, he catches Kurt’s confused gaze and oh God, the last thing he wants is for Kurt to find out.

“What uh- was the question?” Sam clears his throat and asks.

“Oh, I was just wondering if you could come up here and show us another few moves.”

Sam agrees and stands up to walk to the front of the room while Kurt returns to his seat. He’s sure that his blush doesn’t go away for the rest of the class period and he is unable to meet anyone’s eyes after.

3

Of all people to catch him after class, it just has to be Kurt.

Sam has been trying to convince him for weeks now that what he’s been feeling is just some stupid crush (something less than that, even) and every time he thinks he’s getting better – he’s sleeping easily and holding conversations with the boy without embarrassing himself – it just has to be Puck that unravels it all.

“I know Puck can be a dick sometimes,” Kurt is saying to him while they walk out of the choir room. They share the next class but usually Sam takes the long way around so he can avoid panting after Kurt the entire walk.

“But he got me thinking,” Kurt continues. “You have been watching me a lot lately, haven’t you?”

“I uh…” Sam is screwed.

They are walking close together (Sam tells himself that it’s because the hallway is crowded and so they have to walk this close in order to hear each other and to not get trampled) and Kurt is watching him with piercing blue eyes. He holds his chin out and shoulders back, so much confidence oozes from him.

“It’s okay,” Kurt says when Sam doesn’t talk for a few seconds.

Sam holds his breath, waiting for the other shoe (in the form of Kurt’s patronizing kindness and speech about how he just shouldn’t be so obvious about his crush) to drop and stomp on Sam’s fingers that are barely holding him to the ledge of this cliff above the endless waters of self-consciousness and awkwardness that he is about to be surrendered to.

“Okay?” Sam echoes in disbelief.

“Yeah, I mean- I don’t really know for sure why you have been, but regardless, it’s flattering.”

Sam watches Kurt’s usually pale and ceramic cheeks tint pink as he ducks his head and watches his feet for a few steps. This confuses Sam more than his words have – what the hell does Kurt have to be embarrassed for? It’s Sam with the silly crush here, not him.

“Is it flattering or creepy?” Sam asks because he has to, he has to know that he hasn’t come off as too strong at all or it won’t let him sleep.

“You think someone having a crush is creepy?” Kurt stops abruptly and turns to look at Sam head on.

The shorter boy’s abruptness shocks Sam into an honest answer, “What- who said I had a crush on you?”

It came out a little rougher than he meant to, but he was sure that “watching someone” and “having a crush on someone” were two different types of attraction and Sam hasn’t even figured out if he’s into all guys yet. And since he’s pretty sure there is no sexuality dedicated to just being attracted to Kurt Hummel, it has been taking him a while to figure things out. So, the part of himself that he’s been trying to keep hidden and protected for a few weeks now panicked and snapped out the question instead of using the reasoning tone like he had been planning on.

“I- oh.” Kurt says at first, meeting his eyes for only a second before he rocks on his feet nervously and looks at the ground again. “I just thought- uh, well I hoped, actually, that maybe you did.”

“You- wait,” Sam’s hands shake while his head rushes as his brain processes what he just said. “You hoped?”

A smile graces Kurt’s mouth and Sam loves it so much, and the blush that grows darker as he scuffs his feet on the tiled floor. The hallway is emptying out and the bell that will signal their tardiness is going to ring soon and Sam doesn’t think there has been anything else that he cares less about. There is this warmth blooming in his chest and shit- maybe this is a little more than a simple crush.

“Y-yeah,” Kurt breathes, he looks up and his smile grows at the obvious hope mirrored on Sam’s face. His shoulder lifts in a casual shrug. “I was hoping that you liked me, too.”

Too. Sam’s heart skids almost-painfully in his chest and he gasps at the word, all of his emotions plainly broadcasted on his face.

“Uh,” Sam is grasping at what to say next. Kurt’s cheeky grin shares that he knows that Sam likes him too and is now just being awkward, but Sam has no idea what to do or say. “I don’t really know how to- umm…” Sam breaks off in an awkward laugh and rubs the back of his neck.

“You don’t know how to what?” Kurt tries. His hand raises halfway between the two of them, like he was going to touch Sam but thought against it, and then he glares at the limb as if it offended him before dropping it to his side again.

“I don’t know what to say- like, I want you to know that I do like you, but I’m just not sure how-“

“But you do like me?”

“Yes,” Sam confirms.

If Sam thought his simple grin was cute, then it is nothing for the breath-takingly beautiful way he smiles wide enough to show his teeth and crinkle his eyes. His entire face lights up with joy, and Sam’s not sure when he stopped breathing because the sight makes him gasp and the rush of oxygen is almost euphoric.

“Are you serious?” Kurt asks, trying to get his expression under control and take on a serious tone.

When Sam grins, though, he gets to see his pretty smile once more.

Part of him cannot believe that they just admitted to something like this and are now staring at each other like goofy idiots in the middle of an otherwise abandoned hallway (the bell must have rung already but neither of them are making a move towards the classroom still). Sam doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Of course.”

“Well then, now what?” Kurt asks and one of his eyebrows quirk up and Sam finds it so incredibly adorable. Okay, so maybe he isn’t trying to pretend like nothing is going on – but at least it is no longer a problem.

“I don’t-“ he starts, but then something occurs to him. There is one thing that he wants to do, something that he’s been thinking about for a while and now he might have the opportunity to do. “Oh, uh, can I kiss you?” Sam asks hurriedly.

“Right here?” Kurt looks around.

Sam sees that there is no one else except them, their voices echo a little bit even. All of the surrounding classroom doors are closed and they aren’t standing in the view of any of them anyways. “Why not?”

“Uhh…” Kurt glances down at his hands again and then back up. “I don’t know how- and I know you’ve kissed a lot-“

Sam is quick to amend him, “but never another boy. I’m just as nervous,” he sticks his hand out and they both look down to watch it shake a little. Sam feels like a strong wind could knock him down with how weak-kneed he feels.

“I mean, sure- yes.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, please?”

Sam laughs, a genuine laugh, and rocks back and forth on his feet a little bit. He rubs his palms on his thighs, drying the sweat from them, and licks his lips nervously. Also looks a little nervous and he licks his lips after watching Sam first.

“Yeah, right- so…” Sam mumbles before starting to lean down.

Kurt takes a tiny step forward so that they are standing a lot closer than Sam had anticipated and he accidently smacks their foreheads together. They spring apart instantly.

“Ouch,” Kurt breathes and brings a hand up to his head.

Sam mentally curses himself out. “I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay, Sam,” Kurt giggles and tilts his chin up and levels the tall blonde with another stare.

“Oh- uh, okay.”

Sam leans down again, this time keeping his eyes open enough to watch what he’s doing more. Then he gets close enough and he can’t keep his eyes open without going cross-eyed (which hurts his head, so he’d rather not do that) and so he slips them closed. Then their lips connect.

It’s only for a split second and then Kurt is pulling back.

Sam opens his eyes and his eyebrows shuffle down in confusion. But before he can even full wonder why Kurt pulled away so quickly, the boy is speaking.

“Oh God, was that too quick? I wasn’t sure what we were doing, and I thought it was gonna be a quick kiss, but I’m so sorry I-“

Sam’s laughter cuts him off. How can Kurt, who is usually so confident and sure of himself, be so freaking self-conscious now? Sam finds it endearing, actually, that his nervous and awkwardness are evenly matched here.

“You’re adorable,” he says. He slowly picks up a hand and holds it up to Kurt’s face, giving him ample time to pull away if he’d wished to, he doesn’t. So, Sam cups Kurt’s jaw and pulls the boy in for another, longer kiss.

When their lips touch Sam realizes that it really isn’t much different from kissing a girl (what with how soft and nice to touch Kurt’s skin and lips are) and he knows how to kiss a girl, so he presses his lips in a little harder before turning his head to the side to better slot their mouths together.

It turns out that Kurt doesn’t really know what he’s doing so Sam keeps it sweet and brief. Their lips make a wet suction sound when they separate. Sam watches Kurt’s eyes flutter open and he is still so beautiful up this close.

When Sam straightens up fully, ignoring the way his back pops in like ten different places, Kurt squints at him. “What?” he asks.

“That’s it?” Kurt grumps.

Sam genuinely laughs and, much more gently this time, presses his foreheads together. “We have to get to cl-“

Kurt sneaks in for another sweet press of their lips and Sam feels hands on his waist and the warm weight of them is one of the best feelings he’s ever felt.

But it only lasts for a second before all of him is gone and he’s standing a few steps ahead of Sam, walking in the direction of the class that they are now tardy for.

“You’re right,” he calls over his shoulder, his voice bouncing around the empty hallway. “We should get to class!”

Sam laughs and chases after Kurt.

He’s not sure if this makes them boyfriends or not, nor does it help him figure out the puzzle that still is his sexuality, but it still does matter to Sam. And it matters to Kurt if the way that he’s walking lighter and grinning much easier says anything. They’ll talk about it eventually, but for now, he’s just going to remember the feeling of the boy’s lips against his own.

Sam almost forgets that they share this class with a couple of other glee kids and so when they walk inside and he meets Mike’s eyes after accepting his tardy from the teacher, he is a little shaken. He watches Mike’s eyes flit back and forth between Sam and Kurt before raising an eyebrow at Sam when the pair of boys take their seats. Sam just shrugs he knows that his blush tells the whole story.

Later that hour, he gets a note passed to him and reads:

you will be telling me everything after class -mike

Sam grins and tucks the note into the folder that he had and pays attention to class. He’s sure that by glee club tomorrow, the whole group will know that something is going on and Sam doesn’t have it in him to be mad at how quickly gossip spreads.

And if Sam is out of his seat the moment the bell rings so that he can be at Kurt’s side quickly, then that’s what he does. Now that Kurt knows, Sam isn’t going to hold back anymore (within reason, of course). As much as he doesn’t care about the gossip, he doesn’t care about the jokes that get tossed around for the rest of the year about Kurt having an oversized golden Labrador retriever puppy following him constantly.

#glee #glee fanfic #hevans #sam evans #kurt hummel #kurt hummel x sam evans #awkward kiss #fluff #hevans fluff #useless.fanfictions

[alectology-archive]

1. Perrin hesitates to kill literal Turned Aiel but does not mind handing over the Shaido channelers to the Seanchan. He can choke.

2. I suspect again that this partly has to do with Sanderson's obsession with focussing on giving a tragic element to nearly every male character who enters the screen, and especially so male channelers. There's a fine line to walk when you critcise the abuse and ostracisation they are subjected to while also discussing the very real and unignorable consequences of not gentling them. WoT is not exactly matriarchal so I hate it when he handles characters as if people are presisposed to misandry in the world. I'm simply stating the facts - the Aes Sedai are constantly criticised and torn down by him in a way that even the Whitecloaks aren't.

No for real, why does he hate women so much :) they tend to be overwhelmingly characterised as irrational, arrogant, emotional and incompetent people way in over their heads and not exactly qualified to perform their tasks (or needing guidance from their male partners/more qualified male character) as if they aren't the ones responsible for driving the plot mostly.

3. Perrin being plagued by his "to kill or not to kill" dilemma when facing literal darkfriends is fucking annoying actually and not the example of a thoughtful and caring person like Sanderson makes it out to be.

4. Kind of hope perrin falls into the dark pit

5. I hate Perrin and Lanfear's interactions. I hate how Lanfear is written by him almost worse than how she's treated by RJ but that's maybe just annoyance talking and not logic right now.

6. I'm fucking tired of him forcing us to read his horrendous take on ji'e'toh about taking enemies gai'shain to earn honour. Did he read the fucking books. Did he read the fucking books???? I feel like banging my head against a wall whenever I read the sections about Gaul asking him to take enemies (darkfriends!!!!) alive to make them gai'shain and recall Aviendha saying it'd be great if Rand defeated the Dark One but Better if he made him gai'shain. Ji'e'toh is not about enslavement or punishment!! The Dark One is a literal force of nature!!!! Ugh.

7. Why is Perrin able to see people in the real world in tel'aran'rhiod? It's never explained. I suspect it's because reality is acting funky right now but I'm very annoyed about that as well.

8. By the way is it kind of racist that the Turned Aiel channelers have pointed teeth that make them look creepy while other Turned channelers don't.

9. Also how was Perrin able to handle so many Turned channelers. I call bullshit on that. The whole Perrin/Slayer fight scene is written in a very shallow but cinematic way a la fight scenes in marvel movies.

#I read less than one chapter btw #aelia reads wheel of time #aelia reads a memory of light #wot book spoilers

[erosofthepen]

(just a warning if you don't have the tags blocked, i talk about subjects like diet and calories, and the overall stupidity of diet culture, so if that is triggering, scroll on)

Just want to make this clear. 1000 calories is not enough. 1400 calories is not enough. there are studies to show that putting yourself in an unhealthy caloric deficit leads to weight gain, irritability, a lower metabolism, fatigue, a weaker immune system, and is just down right dangerous. 

Calorie needs can vary greatly depending on activity level, age, sex, body size, metabolism, and a whole number of other factors. A lot of people who track their calories with a bodily goal in mind have unfortunately fallen into diet culture and false studies showing that the best way to cut down on body fat content is to eat a scarce amount of calories. THAT IS NOT OKAY. 

For example, i’m an athlete who does cardio work 3-5x per week, strength training 4x per week, and in addition to that practices with my sport. Previously, there was a time where I was doing an extremely low caloric intake per day for my level of activity, only around 1,600-1,800 calories per day. Consequently, my ability to perform at my best level decreased significantly. I have since stopped that kind of bullshit and didn’t track calories for a while, just made sure my body felt good with what I was eating. I had one of the best sport seasons that I had ever had, because I was energized, fit, happy, and stronger.

Now, I recently started working with a personal trainer, with a goal of cutting a healthy amount of fat in exchange for muscular build and increasing agility and speed. You wanna know what number they calculated my daily caloric intake at? 2,500. 2,500 to maintain a healthy, high-functioning athletic body whilst losing white fat cells. 

I’m so fucking sick and tired of diet culture and all these idiotic influencers and fitness ticktockers telling their followers to eat a disturbingly low number of calories in order to achieve the “perfect” body. Stop it. Not everyone can fucking survive on an energy intake that low, and hardly a number of people can do it in a healthy way. 

Healthy bodies don’t fit one mold, athletes come in all shapes and sizes, and there isn’t one perfect diet or fitness plan for everyone. It varies and changes depending on how the body varies or changes, and society really needs to put an end to the concept of a low calorie count being the ideal in the health world. It’s bad for mental and physical health, and can be extremely hard to bounce back from. 

Trust how your body feels, not what a stupid fucking number tells you.

#tw diet #tw ed #tw calories #cw diet #cw ed #cw calories #fuck diet culture man #im so fucking sick of it #erosofthepens thoughts

[blackestnight]

now that i’m a more awake and coherent version of myself, some work notes for “sleep mode:”

originally i was planning to write this from hanami’s pov, which still would have made for an interesting story, but by the time i started it it was midnight and i went, “wait, what if i write this from omega’s perspective instead,” and then i was like “but how can i write something from such a distinctly non-human perspective,” and then i just kinda shrugged and did my best.

the indented blocks of text (which were actually indented in the gdoc, but tumblr said no) are meant to be a nod to javascript functions, which (as i understand them, being a person who does not know computer programming or syntax and had to rely on some 12:30 am googling) are blocks of code designed to perform specific tasks when activated either by a user command or by a programmed trigger within the code itself. i kind of wanted a way to mimic the very human experience of thinking about something (or someone, in omega’s case) and having the thought of “oh! i should ask about this.” so its mentioning designation WARRIOR OF LIGHT in its record triggered the question, “is that what i should call her?”

i think i had a reason for not having every single one of omega’s actions formatted like a function, but i’ve slept since then so i don’t remember. it’s entirely possible the reason is “the formatting got annoying and i was tired.”

also i’m justifying the fact that functions definitely do not work like that with the reasoning that the omicrons aren’t actually computers as we understand them, they’re clearly autonomous and don’t rely solely on pre-programming, please just be nice to me i studied english literature and not software engineering.

a deliberate formatting note, though: omega’s dialogue “functions” use double quotation marks because, and i feel more confident in saying this is correct but please gently @ me if it isn’t, in code quotation marks are used to indicate that everything in between them is meant to be like, that actual text and not a variable or a command. so its functions are commanding its vocalization module to say “whatever is in between these two marks.” hanami’s (and alpha’s) dialogue are in double chevrons instead because, rather than being a command of exact wording, they’re the audio feedback processed through omega’s sensors and then translated into whatever syntax its systems use, sort of in the same way that when you talk to someone on the phone you aren’t actually hearing their voice, you’re hearing the phone’s interpretation and reconstruction of their voice.

one last thing about functions: one of the most basic programs, used both to teach beginners the fundamentals of coding and to work as a ‘sanity check’ to make sure software is running and processing code correctly, is known as the “Hello, World!” program. Hello, World! is also a (very difficult, very annoying) mechanic from the second half of o12s, wherein you fight omega’s ultimate form, as well as the name of the final quest in the alphatron portion of ultima thule’s msq. 

incidentally, there’s an infamous cheese strat for fighting omega unsynced called Goodbye, World! in which players avoid actually having to do the mechanic by having half the party jump off the platform and die. the second quest of the beyond the rift side story is also called Goodbye, World (but no robots, warriors of light, or cute approximations of chocobos are harmed in the making of this quest).

finally, basically all the numbers in this are complete bullshit, except for the estimate of joules saved by cuddling hanami and alpha for warmth. joules are a unit of energy, although heat is (i think) usually measured in calories instead? i blacked out my experience in high school physics for a reason. but i found a formula for converting thermal calories to joules, took a stab at how many calories would be required to heat omega to maintain minimal function, and did some math, but by then it was going on 1:45 in the morning so i couldn’t tell you what any of that math was or where i got my variables from. thus it’s only partial bullshit.

oh actually final thing is that omega refers to itself as “i,” but doesn’t use gendered pronouns, and refers to other omicrons as “it” or by their unit designations. we also see it (and the omicrons we meet in ultima thule) referring to themselves and their peers as “this unit” or “that unit,” so i used a mix to reflect omega’s habits vs how living among mortals who employ pronouns as a regular part of speech is altering its speech patterns.

(speaking of unit designations, anyone remember what the designation for the standard omicron body Sir ‘borrowed’ in ultima thule was? you know, the one that had been abandoned by its former owner? you should go back and look.)

#work notes #journal

[bracingtincture]

RPDR s15e03 impressions

- positively CONVINCED this season is leaning into some kind of old guard vs. up-and-comers narrative that will continue for most of the run, and it’s basically a given that Sasha will be in the finale. i don’t know if she’ll win it, though! i feel like The Narrative™ will ultimately drive the pick of winner, as it usually does.

- Sasha was so great this week and i KNEW that preview was bullshit. the neck snap was so twisted. (no pun intended.)

- the right person won (though it was CLOSE between Sasha and Loosey) but i’m torn on the bottom three. i felt like Jax didn’t do as poorly as Poppy and Amethyst, but otoh the excuses and the way she treated Sugar left a bad taste in my mouth. (again, no pun intended.) i still like Jax a lot, but she did not cover herself in glory here. i do have to say, though, as a longtime MK fan i did love the runway.

- i do kind of think it should’ve been a double elimination and probably only wasn’t because the next episode is Snatch Game and they wanted even numbers. and also, The Narrative™.

- Amethyst is kind of selling herself as a comedy queen but has been on the bottom for her comedy twice, lol. i mean, i don’t even agree that she should’ve been on the bottom the first time! but it is kind of...the funniest thing about her.

- soooo glad Michelle is on Team Natural Noses but Amethyst is hardly the only queen who sullies her perfectly lovely natural nose with unskilled/overdone contouring.

- <stan brained> i’m just really glad Anetra has fully embraced her prominent nose because it really does give her face such character </stan brained>

- Maren brought up a great point about how far the show has come and how everything on this runway would’ve been, like, finale-level a decade ago. and this was just the second runway of the season!

- my favorite runway looks were Sasha, Aura, and the twins. i am really enamored of the twins’ trashy-glam plastic doll ‘00s aesthetic and love that they commit so fully to it.

- actually just in general i really like the twins. they’re sweet ditzes! i’m old and tired enough that sometimes i just like to see nice people being nice. and anyway, as immature as they are in some aspects, they have surprising emotional maturity; pointing out that life and even their careers are more than this competition is important. their ability to keep their perspective and stay grounded is really admirable. i hope they hold onto that.

- they’re also genuinely pretty good at comedy (even if they lack range) and too breezy to be easily flustered so i’m looking forward to their Snatch Game performances. even if they bomb, they’ll bomb entertainingly.

- <stan brained> Anetra’s bone-dry sense of humor is one that frequently works well in Snatch Game so i hope she does well there </stan brained>

- Loosey is going to crush it next week but her Dolly this week was outstanding. the voice!! and i really loved her runway look and would totally wear it. i don’t know where i’d wear it or for what reason, but i would. i’d at least take it out of my closet and gaze lovingly at it regularly.

- in the preview for next week: is that Marcia³ as Tim Gunn? showing off range, i see.

- Salina as the Virgin Mary...that’s going to be. so much.

#rpdr #to be fair i do get the impression the twins come from wealth so yeah this really is a lark to them #but they're right nevertheless #btw any time i mention anetra just imagine i'm saying it with cartoon heart eyes

[down-for-tea]

I’m new at my job so sometimes me trying to do my job isn’t going to produce the results we want.

Kind of a given right?

The bad result happened twice so guess what? He calls me on his day off to tell me how bad of a job I’m doing and how he’ll have to report it to our bosses.

What he doesn’t know is one of our managers was sitting next to me and I had him on speaker phone.

Like, I wanted to show someone else how he was talking to me because he doesn’t talk like that to them? They try to downplay it and say we need to work together and get along, but how am I supposed to do that if he’s constantly antagonizing me?

Why do I have to be the cordial and flexible one who doesn’t get to stand up for myself? Why does he get to act out and nothing happens to him?

Why is it that when I ask for support from my managers they default to just ignore him and focus on making your money until I put it in an email? Then it’s suddenly okay I’ll talk to the big boss about it.

I don’t want to be the complainer, but if I stand up for myself, I put myself in a position to be framed badly by him.

So like, I guess that just means I have to fucking take it? I just have to grin and bear it? I have to perform when my work partner does pretty much everything he can to belittle me?

I’m tired of this bullshit.

I love this job. I love the rest of my coworkers.

But he really makes me want to quit. And I don’t have anything else lined up, and if I quit, it clearly shows he got to me, and he doesn’t have to worry about me taking his job, and he wins.

I don’t fucking want him to win.

Fuck. That. Shit. Fuck him.

I want to win. I want him to regret ever fucking messing with me. I want him to respect me. Actually scratch that, I don’t want to care about what he wants or thinks or does. That’s what I want.

I want to come to work, be able to ignore him 95% of the time, get my own shit done, and leave. It’s a job, and we’re partners, so we’re literally forced to work together, but if I can limit that to a minimum, you best bet that’s what I’m doing.

I know probably no one is going to read this, but it’s a cathartic vent. Plus I doubt he’s on here, and if he is, he’s gonna be hard pressed to find this or me.

It just sucks that the only advice my bosses can give me is you’re young and have plenty of time to find the right person for you. Like thanks, really, but I know that.

I just need some time to get over the parts of him that I liked. And honestly, having him pull this bullshit today has helped. Not as much as I would have liked, but it’s a far cry from yesterday and the day before.

I think now my main thing is I’m disappointed in myself. And logically the way to get over that is to forgive myself, but obviously that’s way easier said than done.

If I try to work on forgiving myself tonight, I think I’ll just have to resign myself to crying myself to sleep again, but I guess it’ll at least be for a different, possibly better?, reason.

#vent post #i just want love #relationship problems #i need support #my train wreck of a love life #please just let me die #why do i do this to myself #why am i like this #fuck you energy #breakup #dft coworker situationship

[ecumenicallymaroon]

30/9/23

Yesterday, when I was still on the plane home, my thoughts kept jumping around from person to person, and then from imaginary situation to imaginary situation, and then I started an anxiety spiral (as fucking always). I tried to think about God and I silently blurted out to him, “I miss you.” And then I cried, silently, for two hours.

I saw some friends from the commune recently and ended up saying far more about myself, my life, and my feelings than I think I ever have to any other person. I stopped performing vulnerability and became actually vulnerable. So of course I fled upstairs to my room as soon as it was not impolite to do so. I didn’t take off running or anything - I just slipped away. They all knew, of course. They probably all knew that I cried myself to sleep, too. But I had to get away from them, from people generally.

It’s so humiliating and embarrassing to cry. It’s even worse when you’re talking about your life and you see everyone else start to get that same look of dawning horror. Like oh no, she’s really actually properly a broken person and this is way too much for anybody to deal with, she should speak to somebody about that kind of a look.

And then a couple of days later, I told one of these friends that I loved him and thought he was great and I was glad to have him in my life. He returned the sentiment, but I can’t bring myself to really believe it. I think I put him in an awkward position, which I really didn’t mean to do. I wasn’t looking for a mutual sentiment, I just wanted to say my piece.

I don’t know.

I wish I had a really good friend who had similar beliefs to me. Who I could see often.

This friend said that he felt like I’d spent most of my life taking care of everybody else and that he would like to be someone who could be a safe person for me to take up space around.

And a different person there said that I was so likeable, and I replied, almost but not quite flippantly, that most people found me likeable and interesting at first but once they got to know me, it stopped. She said, “Is that actually true, though, or is that what you’ve been told by certain people?”

I mean, I don’t know. She started talking about the enneagram which I kind of feel like is bullshit, but I didn’t say anything. Whether I’m a 4 or an 8 or a 3.14, I appreciated her kindness. She didn’t have to be nice to me but she was.

I ended up telling her about when I was molested, and I told her that I had first told a mutual acquaintance a long time ago and he blew it off as “sounds like normal cousin experimentation to me; I don’t think this is significant.” (Those words are burned into my brain forever.)

WELL IT FELT SIGNIFICANT TO ME JACKASS.

Anyway, she was also really annoyed about that response, which felt a little cathartic. The other two people I’ve told the whole story to have had very little visible reaction, I guess as part of their training or something, and it made it all feel more unsettling. Her frank emotional response made me feel more normal, which was nice.

And I talked to them about the way my tutor spoke to me and treated me last time I was at the commune and they were all like, “wow so you were shamed” and it felt like a bit of a relief to hear other people say it.

In my real life, I never cry, but these people could be forgiven for thinking I’m lying about that because I’ve done so much fucking crying in front of them. It feels like shit btw.

I hate how out of control my emotions feel. As soon as I engage with them in any meaningful way, it feels like they swell up like an ocean wave and overwhelm everything. I have to get better at ignoring it, regulating it, hiding it from others. I don’t care what anybody says - no one wants to deal with that, because everybody has their own shit going on. I’m tired of burning through friendships by trusting that people really do want to hear about how I’m feeling.

They want to hear “I’m great! How are you?”

And that’s just a fact.

I still think about my little heavenly house, where I’m far away from everyone and the only person who can access me is God. It sounds more and more wonderful the older I get. The tea will stay the perfect temperature, I will never be lonely, and I can just read and read and read and never need to feel anything other than contentment.

I think God wants me to try gardening again.

[the1975attheirverybest]

(same anon) and YES!! Why can’t he grow as a person? Fans beg and plead for apologies or explanations and when he gives them, it still isn’t enough. This is the same way, I guess. It seems like people are always questioning him, especially since this persona/performance art stuff started, but I feel like it’s obvious when he’s being genuine? It isn’t just an act that he’s made up for the hell of it, his real emotions bleed into it.

Also I’m not sure how many people have listened to his Karate podcast episode back in 2021, but he says he thanks the “atheistic, or I as I get older, “God”, I don’t know, whatever’s up there” for the success of the band. Something along those lines, which is pretty consistent with everything he’s said about religion since 2018/2019.

I find it very interesting and I respect that he shares his thoughts and beliefs in real time, and that he isn’t afraid to adjust them later. It isn’t disingenuous or backtracking and I hate that people feel that way.

Yesssss. And he’s always said that if religion or spirituality is about belief in a higher power or in something bigger than yourself, then he does believe. For him that’s music. That’s how he feels about his art and the way that it can become larger than him and bring people together. I think that’s what he was thinking about in Chicago when he said that society these days is about us defining ourselves by what we are against and yet at a music festival here we all are coming together not cuz we hate something but cuz we all love music and then said “I understand religion now….not the naughty bits” haha.

So, I think concepts of “faith” and “spirituality” kind of changed for him over time. As they should! Human beings evolve and change. If you’ve been consistent from the age of 20 ish to the age of 34 then…ooof. Maybe you gotta be doing some internal reflection lol.

Yeah, I know y’all are tired of me saying this cuz I say it all the time but I really think that matty often uses the persona as a “trick” so he can ACTUALLY EXPRESS SINCERE AND HONEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. Like it’s not always super unclear if he’s joking or not. In fact I think most of the time it is clear. He wouldn’t bullshit his way through stuff like this!

But I guess that’s too nuanced and thoughtful for the singular braincell that runs all of Twitter so people don’t like to have to stop and thinking and consider the possibility that change happens cuz it’s uncomfortable lol.

[kmp78]

Truly the Morbius of music.

Thirty Seconds to Mars, They’re back baby. And they’re back at a time where their frontman, Jared Leto, seems to be at a public reception all time low. I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but before 2016 my thoughts about Jared Leto were that I didn’t really have any. He’s been in a lot of movies over his lifetime, and a number of them I actually really like and love - but not because of Jared. Being a method actor who puts his whole body and soul into a role is such an integral part of his brand, yet even at his best it feels like his characters could be played by someone else entirely and nothing will be lost. It wasn’t until a decade into Leto’s acting career that we got Thirty Seconds to Mars’s debut album, where even early on he proved to be even less compelling as a musician than as an actor. They started off as a mediocre space rock influenced alt rock band on their self-titled record, then shifted into being mediocre emo inspired alt rock band on “A Beautiful Lie”, before settling into the sound they have today on records such as “This Is War” and “Love Lust Faith + Dreams”, which can only be described as the middle point between modern Muse and modern U2…except worse. And that’s saying something, cus neither of those bands are doing well right now. I think it says a lot that despite being 20 years into their career and being one of the few remaining successful rock bands, they’re only really remembered for one song (which, I will admit, “The Kill” is a banger and a 2000’s emo staple). Like their frontman’s acting career, Thirty Seconds to Mars in the mainstream felt like they’re just kind of there, like they don’t really matter.

It wasn’t until 2016 where people’s indifference towards Jared Leto’s projects turned from indifference to annoyance. There was the multiple different headlines of all the ways Leto was being an ass on set to the cast and crew of “Suicide Squad” for the sake of THE METHOD and getting inside The Joker’s mind, only for people to see the movie and his performance being one of the most notably goofy things of the last decade (in case you haven’t been told yet, method acting is total bullshit). Then there was Thirty Seconds to Mars’s fifth album, subtlety titled “America”, which by all means the universe seemed to agree completely sucked. It really seems like they were trying to tap into that overblown genre mush Imagine Dragons sound that unfortunately ruled the rock airwaves in the late 2010’s, and the result was an album that seemingly appealed to no one. Then there was multiple instances that painted Jared in an unflattering light - uncharismatic interviews, reports of him being condescending and aloof to fans, an absolutely bizarre performance in “House of Gucci”, an annual Thirty Seconds to Mars retreats that the band delightfully calls a cult and by all means it does look like a cult, a number sexual assault allegations. I’ll also say from my own personal experience I had the misfortune of seeing Thirty Seconds to Mars open for Muse, and it was nothing short of uncanny and weird. And who can forget, “Morbius”, a movie iconic for no one wanting it, no one seeing it, and no one liking it. “Morbius” became the new standard of mediocrity, and what made it even more of a collective punching bag for dissatisfied consumers tired of cynical, formulaic media was the fact that nobody who worked on the movie seemed to get the joke, and Sony even rereleased it thinking there was an actual demand, only for it to bomb the box office again.

I’m honestly surprised Jared released anything so soon after “Morbius”. The public narrative of him is that of an uncharismatic egomaniacal dickhead who takes his artistry way too seriously and thinks his art is next level shit even though its become so increasingly mediocre that it has become a collective joke. I would think he would want to take some time out of the limelight or at least rethink how he approaches his work since the writing on the wall is that it desperately needs a change. But Thirty Seconds to Mars have taken five years to release their newest album when they promised it would only take thirty seconds, dammit. Apparently him and his brother Shannon had written two hundred tracks for their newest album in 2021 and were just waiting for the right time to release it, even saying they were sitting on three albums worth of material. I guess the band felt like the time was now to put something out, and I guess curiosity got the best of me. I hoped that Thirty Seconds to Mars had learned something from the last fifteen or so years of increasingly negative reception, maybe switch things up a bit and do something different because the formula hasn’t been working for a while, and I don’t see why it would work in 2023 when music is so much different from where it was even five year ago. Maybe they would get their heads out of their asses and stop making their typical brand of ego fueled, pretentious, generic, bland stadium bait and instead release something that feels like it was created by someone with thoughts and feelings.

And then as I was about to listen to this I saw its Windows Screen Saver album art and its title: “It's the End of the World but It's a Beautiful Day”.

Yeah, I don’t think that’s happening.

What are we doing here? What are we doing here. There are only so many hours in a day, why did you spend your limited time making this and why are you asking other people to give theirs to hear it? I am genuinely asking you, Jared and Shannon Leto of Thirty Seconds to Mars. Because from where I’m sitting, it feels my time was wasted by one of the most milquetoast, flavorless, and soulless albums of the year simply because you were bored and wanted another car. “It's the End of the World but It's a Beautiful Day” is an album that is one of the most lacking in care, heart, emotion, soul, personality, ideas, and effort I’ve heard in a while, and that’s saying something because “ELEVATION” and “Honestly, Nevermind” came out just last year. This sounds like thirty minutes of an AI recreation of a Chainsmokers remix of an Imagine Dragons cover of a new Post Malone B-Side. It’s like the duo have studied the charts circa 2015-2018 and algorithmically spat out every poorly aged millenial pop trend nearly a decade too late. Thirty Seconds to Mars claims that they wrote over TWO HUNDRED SONGS for this album, and THIS was the best they had to offer. Jared Leto, you are fucking with me. You have to be fucking with me. You would think that if you spent five years writing 200 songs that you would come up with *something* interesting at least by accident, but it’s like Thirty Seconds to Mars is trying to go out of their way to make music so bland, manufactured, generic, formulaic, and devoid of humanity that it’ll appeal to literally no one.

From beginning to end, the production on “It's the End of the World but It's a Beautiful Day” feels like it’s trying to take from what the band thinks is popular and puts the most derivative, uninspired take on it it possibly can without bringing anything new to the table. Opener “Stuck” tries to cash in on the recent queer leaning dance pop revival with the most flat, colorless sounding EDM beats I’ve heard in a while, the perfect encapsulation of the “H&M changing room music” criticism that has become popular for generic pop music these days. As if that wasn’t enough, the main riff/backend hook sounds like a bastardized take of “Disturbia” and “Bad Romance”, except substituting Rihanna’s cool mystique and Gaga’s artsy weirdness we get Jared trying to sing “dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah” in the most ear grating way possible. Meanwhile, I’m guessing the duo saw that their attempt of being Imagine Dragons on “America” and instead of realizing it was a bad idea to begin with, they decided that they needed to literally get the singer of Imagine Dragons, Dan Reynolds, to co-write and produce the next track, “Life Is Beautiful”, (god, what a fucking eye roll of a title). And yep, this sounds exactly like Imagine Dragons - and I do mean that as an insult. The barely existent verses that artificially inflate the chorus, the overblown Hans Zimmer BRAAAM drop, the “Well Will Rock You” stomp claps, the poorly implemented, trap hi-hats, the faux soul Dan Reynolds mini hook, the atmosphere sounding like it was made by a boardroom for a car commercial - this sound was already overdone, growing old, and receiving incredibly huge negative pushback back in 2018 when Thirty Seconds to Mars released their last album, who the fuck is this for in 2023? It’s cheesy, gaudy, and tacky, and it brings out the worst of both bands. These songs aren’t good by any means for the reason I listed above, and they may arguably be two of the worst here, I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t fault anyone for actually preferring them because they’re the only songs that poorly attempt some sort of edge - because from this point on, the rest of the record sounds like it was made to be the soundtrack for “The Bachelor”.

“Love These Days” sounds like modern Maroon 5 circa “JORDI”, and I don’t just mean Maroon 5 as in generic but as in it sounds exactly like Maroon 5, with it’s predictable, formulaic melody, its stale trap beat that shows the band is aware of hip-hop but not enough to be any good at it, and it’s “oh, this relationship has so many problems and we fight so often and we’re toxic for each other - but god, the sex is out of this world” lyrical theme. Also, “Getting high on heartbreak, hooked on to the pain, kind of fucked up and fake”? Jared, why would you say that? Why was Olivia Rodrigo’s last record more emotionally intelligent than this whole album. You’re 51 years old. “Lost These Days” (no, this isn’t a typo, there are actually two songs with virtually the same title) continues the Maroon 5 route, opting for their non distinct sad pop song sound this time with an outro that sounds like it would fit right in with the Chainsmokers era of radio pop, while “Never Not Love You” sounds like if someone dared to ask “what if Skillet remixed a song from ‘Dear Evan Hansen’”, and trust me, no matter how gross that sentence sounded to you the actual song is much worse.

Meanwhile, “Seasons” sounds like if the band tried to recreate “Sunflower” by Swae Lee and Post Malone from memory with its breezy atmosphere and electronic drums, except they sucked all of the catchiness and charm out of it and intended it for suburban moms to listen to it instead, while “Get Up Kid” is uncanny with its flat, corny, faux sentimental vibe, sounding like pouring out your traumas and mental health problems to someone and then responding “just be positive and you’ll stop being sad :)”. Both of these songs suffer from being just two of many notable instances of Jared’s vocal production and mixing being just ugly to listen to. Say what you want about Jared, but the man *can* sing - his style is overdramatic as fuck but he *can* sing - yet here, it sounds so fake, unnatural, and digitized, loaded to the brim with processing and Melodyne audibly dragging his voice from note to note, that I’d believe if you said they actually used AI to recreate his voice. And while we’re on the vocals, how can I forget the millennial whoops? Thirty Seconds to Mars are no strangers to overusing vocalizations to add a bit a bit of catchiness and fake emotionality instead of writing meaningful lyrics and well crafted songs, and they’re here in spades on this album. The “oh-oh’s”, the “you-oo-oo-oo’s” the “aye-oh, aye-oh, whoa-oh’s”. They’re here on almost every track trying to get you to feel something and bait the stadiums into singing along, but they just come across as soulless and as a way to fill up space where they couldn’t find a line. I know I must sound like I’m nitpicking some non-existent issue but I promise you the minute you notice them you won’t be able to stop, and they’ll get increasingly annoying every time they come up. All of these shifts from one gentrified pop trend to the next are not only bland and obnoxious as hell, but it makes the band feel like they have no real identity, sounding like some gray soup resembling pop music you’ve heard before but not being particularly good at any of it.

But the worst part of “It's the End of the World but It's a Beautiful Day” isn’t just the fact that it’s completely derivative and generic, it’s how the record is all style and no substance. The booming basses, the big hits of stomps and claps, the overdramatic vocal performances, the stadium bait millennial whoops; they all point to a common problem of the band trying to come across as profound with material that just has no content. The Ed Sheeran co-written track “World on Fire” is just beating you over the head with this attitude of “THIS IS DEEP, THIS IS MEANINGFUL” with its melodramatic vocals, pounding drums, big synths, and melodic guitar leads, yet the song is packed to the brim with clichés of “Life leads us out of the dark, Let there be light, And we’ll set this world on fire” that are not only unoriginal but completely unspecific. The meaning of “life is beautiful” is that life is beautiful. Oh, and you should rise up against…something? I guess? The closer “Avalanche” drops these loud burst of vocoder choirs, clearly trying to set the mood as larger than life with some sort of great knowledge, but they just sing the vapid lyrics “Time, time to live our lives, Set the world on fire, From the ashes, we will rise, Life, don't let it pass you by, Open up your eyes, From the ashes, we will rise”. Like…do I have to say it? These words are so cliché that they practically don’t mean anything. They’re not saying anything, these are empty slogans you hear at MLM events trying to convince you to ruin your life. Not only are they completely predictable with rhymes you can see coming a mile away, they just sounds vapid, surface level, and fake deep.

And that’s the problem with this whole record. From the overblown instrumentation to the exaggerated performances to the calls to action for nothing in particular, this record is trying so hard to be big, grand, meaningful, and profound, yet every attempt at trying to be impactful comes across as hollow. It’s empty grandiosity and the definition of being pretentious. More than anything, it reminds me of bad Christian rock. Think about it, the overdramatic performances, attempting to sound huge yet feeling incredibly limp, calls to action to do…something, attempting to sound deep and meaningful yet coming across as cliché and meaningless, trying so hard to sound sincere that you sound anything but. Thirty Seconds to Mars is just using the aesthetics of bad Christian rock while taking out the religious part of it. It’s basically a non-religious Newsboys. But while I think bands like Newsboys suck, I’ll give them this - they do have a message that they do care about, and I think they’re earnestly trying to spread it, even if I think it’s in one of the most ineffective and corniest ways possible. Thirty Seconds to Mars has no message, I don’t think Jared Leto cares about anything, I’m not even fully convinced he likes music; I think he’s just so far up his own ass that he thinks his surface level stones ramblings over stadium bait atrocities are just that good and meaningful and will sell records to continue to fuel his celebrity lifestyle.

So yeah, I don’t like this Thirty Seconds to Mars record. In a lot of ways, I actually feel like “It's the End of the World, But It's a Beautiful Day” is the album equivalent to “Morbius”. There seems to be no purpose behind it existing besides it could make money and the fact that it can. It’s generic, dull, insipid, unoriginal, unimaginative, run of the mill, nondescript, and has no point of view whatsoever, and as a result its got not appeal besides being similar to other media people are already tired of and not being a particularly good resemblance. It’s trying to hype itself as a big event, and yet the final result is just pure background noise, with anything that does stand out being gaudy, tacky, and flat out gross. And most importantly, it’s got Jared Leto making a big deal about how much of an artist he is while having nothing substantial to show for it, leading to him further looking like an egotistical ass. It feels like an album made with very little of any love and a record made for no one, with music and lyrics that come across as inauthentic, insincere, manufactured, and lacking in substance when it’s desperately trying to act like it’s not. I’ve seen lifestyle gurus that charge $6000 for a three day wellness stay that come across as more genuine than this. There might be albums that I rank lower this year on my worst list - we’ll see when we get there, I’m being 100% real with you when I say I don’t know yet - but I can tell you right now that there is nothing else that I’ve heard this year that feels this cynical. “It's the End of the World, But It's a Beautiful Day” by Thirty Seconds to Mars is completely absent of soul, care, effort, feeling, emotion, and anything resembling good.

Thanks, anon.

But please don´t send messages that are THIS LONG.

It´s impossible to read smthg that has 20000 words.

I prefer if you send just the link and then people can go to a different site to read the actual article.

I don´t need my feed being taken over with smthg as massive as this, thanks. 👍

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair 2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? I’d never stop drinking either if it were possible, especially alcohol 3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? of course he’s my fiance :P 4. Do you plan outfits? no 5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tired and stressed 6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? the blanket over me  7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? O_O...what the fuck?! I’d scream blue bloody murder slam the door shut, lock it and call 911 8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? considering it’s 5am and I’m still wide awake, and the last I had dozed off and woken up was yesterday at like 4:30pm ish? I barely remember now but I know it was really fucked up 9. Three of your current feelings? stressed, tired, lonely 10. What are you craving right now? a strong drink...hell I’ll drink it straight, just give me something! 11. Turn ons? honesty, sense of humor, respectful, kind, nice eyes and smile, patient, good communication, supportive 12. Turn offs? arrogant, rude, entitled, ignorant, pushy, flirtatious towards other women, abusive, controlling, anger issues 13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? MY CABBAGESSSSS!!! XD 14. When was the last time you cried? Why? last week when he told me he wasn’t gonna be home this week for a home visit from the job he’s been on in NZ since February...that he’s there till the “end” (doubt it’s over, he’ll have to go back eventually) of it which is the end of May... 15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? Deadpool for sure 16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? yeah but it was complete bullshit... 17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it 18. Favorite movie ever? not possible to choose 19. Do you like yourself? hell no 20. Have you ever met a celebrity? yeah 21. Could you handle being in the military? I’ve considered it at one point but I know deep down I’d never be able to handle it...not just physically, but the mental hell I’d be put through with the treatment. it’s way too dangerous cause of my already existing mental illnesses and history of trauma.. 22. What are you listening to right now? I have crime shows on tv  23. How many countries have you visited? never left the country 24. Are your parents strict? my mom was a severely overprotective parent...pretty much the suffocating type, my dad was a bit more laid back  25. Would you go sky diving? hell no 26. Would you go out to eat with a stranger? maybe, it depends but probably not without knowing at least basics about the person 27. Whats on your mind right now? overthinking as always and just wanna go to sleep 28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? lots 29. Have you ever been in a castle? nope, never got my Hogwarts letter :| 30. Do you rent movies often? used to. obviously Blockbuster growing up, then Redbox for years...now just stream for free with the occasional still going to the theater for certain movies 31. Whats your zodiac sign? Taurus 32. When was the last time you had sex? been too long, we’re way overdue... 33. Name five facts about yourself. - I’m a tomboy - I was on a parent/child bowling league when I was very young with my dad, we won trophies and beanie babies...good god the bags of duplicate beanie babies... - I was in gymnastics and dance when I was between about 4-7 and have video from some of the performances - I’m a huge horror fan - I’ve been in an inpatient facility before 34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? yep...my bday 2015, I got acute alcohol poisoning with perc in my system too and ended up in the ER without any memory of what happened.  and last year, March 21, 2022 I totaled my car careening off the road into trees, totaling the car and should be dead. my first DUI and my BAC at the hospital when they drew my blood was .408, which everyone was surprised I wasn’t seizing or comatose by that point. miraculously with most of my roof caved in and the windshield caved in with a branch through it inches from where my head was, I walked away with bruises and major whiplash...nothing serious 35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? yeah 36. Brown or white eggs? both are good 37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? hell yeah that’s my store! 38. Ever been on a train? many times (Amtrak) 39. Ever been in love? yes...and currently am 40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? I know I’d regret it but yeah most likely lol 41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? my grandparents...Mimi and Grandpa, they didn’t deserve to go the way they did... 42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? probably 43. Whom do you admire and why? several people for several reasons... 44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? not sure, don’t remember ever really being read to sleep at night so.. 45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? I don’t have the courage to run in myself and try to find it, as guilty as I feel saying that...I’d try to comfort her and call for help, screaming out for anyone else to help in the meantime 46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? no. it’s their life, they’ll decide what they wanna do and what they’re passionate about and what makes them happy, and I’ll support them 100% 47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? being able to drink till I blacked out and couldn’t anymore and be numb and shut my head up even just for a short amount of time... 48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? all the hell it brought down on me from family...and causing me to finally have a record as well as total my car that I’d only had for three months at that point. 50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? no, turn it in and yes I mean that 51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? of course, I’m not like that to where I’d discriminate or treat them like the plague avoiding them at all costs. that’s beyond fucked up. I’d be more careful, obviously, but nothing would change 52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? no...given my history of suicidal tendencies and ideation, that’s way too much of a trigger (pun intended) for me to even consider or be asked to do. 53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 19, three months shy of turning 20...I was very late to the game, not exactly by choice either just never had the opportunity or means and I wasn’t like most girls my age doing it so young 54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? ghosts yeah, definitely 55. If you could live forever, would you want to? absolutely not...life is hell 56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? Hermione Granger, hands down. the book smarts, the averageness, the insecurity, the quiet loner, the intelligent know it all, the best in class, the wit, the kindness, the loyalty to friends, the perfectionist... 57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? as fucked up as this sounds, and as much of a death wish as it is? I’d definitely wanna see the dinosaurs 58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? ummm...?? my curiosity is a bitch so I have a bad feeling I would 59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? FUCCCCKKKKK NOOOOOOO! fuck that shit, I’m out! 60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? no I’d be fine with either gender it wouldn’t really matter to me.  61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? live longer...though wealthy would definitely help some things

#survey #bored #random #about me

[damien-mlm]

if you asked them, they'd deny it all

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT

HEAVY VENT, talking about some of my past mentions of child abuse, CSA, suicide and self harm I cannot stress this enough, do NOT read if you feel like you can't I will never hold it against you if you don't read this, I promise I just really need to get this out there

Not fiction, real life events

Let me preface this with the fact I've been trying to open up about myself, and I'm drunk at the moment

This is hideous, this is your last warning

Fuck, how should I even begin

There’s so much

Back in August, I first started to write out fiction as a coping mechanism

Making up angsty and gut-wrenching stories, putting my characters through hell

I put a little bit of me in each one of those

And I still haven’t told the whole story yet

Back then, I also said this

And it still stands

I’m tired of being tired

And I was almost gone in September

Only a handful of people know this, not even my parents know

Not that they would care enough to help, anyway

I’ve been on the edge of this cliff many times

Each time I was pulled away, either forcefully, or by sweet words that meant nothing in the end

Performative kindness, only meant to be seen by others, never to be actually executed when truly needed

I’m not worth their kindness, I never was

My whole existence was a whim

My mother wanted to get showered in praise and attention

My father wanted to prove himself as a man

That was it, that’s all they wanted

I was just a byproduct of it

And when it wasn’t what they thought it would be, they hated me for it

I had ruined their lives by existing, and they made sure I knew

What fucks me up the most is that, thanks to PTSD and C-PTSD, I barely remember anything

I just have bits and pieces, and they are all a fucking nightmare

It’s impossible for me to form a timeline of the events, it’s all jumbled and mixed together

In the two poems I wrote, I mentioned this

I wasn’t lying

And it fucks me up because I feel like I can’t even trust myself

The typical “Are you sure that’s how it happened?” “I don’t remember it like that” “Maybe you are misremembering things” get so much more painful because of this

No, I’m not sure

I don’t know anything

My life is a lie

But then, where do all the nightmares, all the flashbacks, come from?

Where do the scars come from?

Where does that involuntary fear response to their presence come from?

I’m so sorry

I dragged you all into this bullshit

I’m not special

I know I’m not the only one who’s suffering

I feel like I’m being selfish

I shouldn’t be here

I should’ve died back when I first tried to

13 years ago

That should’ve been it

So that nobody else had to witness this fucking wreck

I don’t even know why I’m around anymore

I said it was so that nobody would hurt over my departure, and that still stands

But maybe there’s something else?

I’m not sure if it’s spite, or hope

And I’m still afraid of actually telling what I do remember

I don’t want pity

I want understanding

I want to be loved and cared for

For who I am

For what I am

Not for who I was supposed to be

Not for what I was supposed to accomplish

To be loved for me

For being

I’ve been writing this for about an hour, and I've barely said anything at all

Don’t be scared now, I’m not ending myself tonight, I know I sound extremely ominous, but I promise you I won’t do that

I always say it’s a long story and I never actually tell it

I did mention I came to be as a whim

That wasn’t a lie

What’s baffling to me is how long it took me to actually find out

December 25th, 2018

I got to know the true reason why my parents had split up

I was 1 year old, so I had no notion of this, thank fucking god

But apparently, my mom couldn’t stand the fact my dad gave me, a baby who needed help to survive, more attention than her

So, she asked for a divorce and kept me

It sounds fucking ridiculous, I know

And I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t me

But I am me, and I know how much she loathed me for years

I just never knew why

Turns out it was just for being a human with needs

It made so much sense to me

And to my dad, well I ruined his marriage, I was the reason why the love of his life had left him

And he might deny it, but I know he still resents me for it

Everything about him tells me he does

Both of them placed the blame on me

Not only for this but for everything that came after it

It’s all my fault, my doing, my mistake

When my other relatives would whisper about them, it was my fault

I wasn’t a good kid

I cried too much, I was too loud

I was too dramatic

I was too much

And now I’m not enough

And I don’t think I’ll ever be

It’s hard to talk about this when it’s all mixed up

Most of it is gone

But I remember a few things

I remember my mom accidentally burning my arms with her cigs too many times for it to be accidental at all

At one point, I just stopped trying to get close to her

I remember my dad making fun of the way I cried, calling me a Disney princess in the way I sobbed as a kid

I remember this was in front of other adults too, whenever I went to him for comfort

I remember I grabbed a knife and slashed my bedsheets once; I was too small, and I didn’t know how to express my own anguish

And my mom made me sew it back up and use it still

I remember I moved the living room chairs to make a bed for my plush dog as a kid

And my mom woke up from her nap and was enraged by the mess I had done

She slapped me so hard I fell back, turning, and hit my head on the edge of the wall

I had a huge bruised bump on my forehead

“If anybody asks, you tripped” she said

She must have learned that from one of her boyfriends, and I know exactly which one

This man was so vile, I hope I never have to see his face in front of mine again

Because I’m still forced to see him now and then

Flashbacks are involuntary, after all

He was abusive towards us both

That sick piece of shit

He took my innocence away from me

Stole it away for reasons I still can’t understand

I’m sorry to be so crude about it

But there are certain positions I just cannot do

They just take me back to that moment

“There’s a big man behind me, doing this to me

And there is nothing I can do to stop him”

It is the best way I can describe it without actually saying it

First time I tried to tell my mom about this, she said

“Yeah, maybe”

That’s all

I mean, what did I even expect?

I can’t place dates, but I’m pretty sure all this happened between the ages of 7 and 10

I started hurting myself at 11, back then I was convinced I deserved the pain

I was a bad kid

I deserved it

I got found out at 12 and everything went to shit, as if it wasn’t enough already

I got sent to a psychiatrist, and the lad said I needed anti-depressants

My mother refused

She had a better idea

To avoid me cutting myself, she would strip every single ounce of privacy I had

No room I was in was to have its door closed

No, not even the bathroom

Specially the bathroom

She would stand on the doorway and watch me intently as I did what I had to do

And when I showered, the curtain had to remain open too

That’s not all, but it’s all I can say for now

I don’t have the strength to keep writing right now

I won’t be sleeping tonight; I opened a bottle of wine and I have to clean this fucking house before it’s too late

My dad will come over tomorrow around noon to check on my progress, he said so on a voice message

I wish I wasn’t here

I wish I wasn’t

#tw self harm #tw suicide #tw child abuse #tw csa #tw vent #december 28 2022

[thememphislee]

“Three Times Dead”

“Three Times Dead”

    I have wanted to write this for so long, however my health compromised my ability to write.  This is the first time that I have talked about it publicly although I have hinted at it, so bear with me.  I am living with cancer; I am not dying of it.  It’s a mouthful, so don’t get me wrong, I was terrified when I got the news.  There’s something about the words “Stage 4” and “You have the deadliest form of cancer” that wakes you up.  What do I say to that?  How do I even respond?  It's dramatic to say the least.

    They cut out a cancerous tumor from my neck and removed multiple melanomas from my face.  What causes it, or why, is still a question yet to be answered.  All I know is that it can spread to my organs fast. My first response; “Liquor Store!” I decided that if I was going out, I wouldn’t be doing it sober. Drinking has always been my best friend.

    I just finished my second hospital visit that lasted for 4 days and two weeks before that I spent 9 days in treatment. Alcohol always comes up and always affects my treatment, as if I need to explain why I am drinking.  I just assumed it was obvious.  Dying never lived and living with it until the end, I don’t recommend doing it sober.

    Everyone always has an opinion, yet none of them are facing immanent death.  It kind of changes things. When you’re the one dying, so much advice is comprised of talking about your diet.  For me, get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!  Let me drink if I need to, fuck healthy if I’m already dying.

    When they removed the first melanoma on my face, it was a breeze.  When I look back at old photos, I noticed that it was always there.  It was the second one that required surgery.  They had to cut my throat basically and cut the cancerous tumor out.  At the time I posted pics of the tumor and the stitches that followed, and eventually the scar.  Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t go well.

    My sister and mother flew in for the surgery, because the diagnosis that I assumed was grim, and I felt like I needed to say goodbye. I had the surgery, I was fine, we went back to the hotel, and I was tired, so I laid down only to wake up a couple of hours later covered in blood that led to my sister and I rushing to the emergency room where they were able to stop the bleeding.

    Eventually we made it back to the hotel after a few long hours in the hospital.  I went directly to bed.  I ended up waking up pouring with sweat, however when I wiped my forehead it was covered in blood.  I got up out of the bed and realized that I was completely drenched in blood, the comforter and mattress was soaked in blood.  My bandages fell apart because they were soaked in blood, and I just sat in the chair calling to my mother that I needed help.

    I remember sitting up in a chair and asking my mom not to panic because I was covered in blood and my bed was soaked with blood. She immediately called out to my sister, and they called 911.  I passed out on the floor and my mom had given me a towel to stop the bleeding, however every time I put a new towel on it was sprayed with blood.  The fire department showed up first and as they pulled off the bandages, I remember the fireman stating to the paramedics that showed up second that my neck was “spraying” blood out of my neck.  I overheard the firemen and paramedics say that I would have bled to death in another hour.  The individual that performed the surgery had sliced my carotid artery!

    When I got to the emergency room, they couldn’t stop the bleeding, so I went into emergency surgery to cut my throat back open and cauterize everything.  Let me just say it was unpleasant, although it was painful, the smell of burning flesh is nauseating!  The good news is that I recovered.

    And then there was my third death sentence.  I was so jacked up on psychiatric medications I lost the ability to walk, my speech was affected, and I had tremors so bad that I couldn’t feed myself or drink out of a glass I shook so bad.  I made the decision to come back home to Memphis to be with my family and move in with my mom who has been taking care of me.  I received a lethal dose of Lithium that was almost fatal!  

 Tomorrow is coming, wish me luck!

 The Memphis lee Speaks, now ya’ heard!

 That’s how I roll.!!!