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#i’m glad i’m mentally better and trying my best everyday
worseforwords · 1 year
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The Strawberry Song - Part 2 (Alessia Russo x Reader)
Here it is, part 2. I decided to add the song I made for it yesterday, which is terrifying by the way. I hope you like it. If you haven't read it yet, here's part 1.
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You closed your eyes as you took a deep breath in an attempt to calm the nerves creeping up your stomach as you made your decision: you had to get back out there and face your fears, this was your last chance to save your relationship and you had prepared for it extensively. When you were about to open your eyes, you were startled by a knock on your window. “Y/N?” Apparently you had been sitting there, gathering courage, just a bit too long and she found you before you could find her. 
You quickly got out of your car. “Hi.” Was all you said, as you already felt your eyes starting to water from looking into hers. “Hi, erm, I was actually about to go do some grocery shopping, but I can do that later. Want to come in?” She said, pointing towards the front door behind her with her thumb. You nodded as you locked your car, slowly following her lead into the house.
Right off the bat, the atmosphere inside was tense. A place you’d once called your second home, now felt cold and threatening. You recognised the smell, a mixture of the air freshener she always used and her own signature scent, which made your stomach turn in confusion. It was like the sweet aroma made your body want to wake its butterflies, but it also send a knife down your throat that could kill them at any given moment. You looked around as you contemplated where you should sit down, eventually choosing to just stand instead. 
“How are you?” You finally broke the silence. “Been better.” She answered quickly. “You can sit down you know.” “Right, thanks.” You said as you moved to her couch, sitting on the opposite side of your usual spot, or what used to be your usual spot anyways. 
“How about you, how have you been?” She asked in return, as she sat herself down at the other end of the sofa, leaving a noticeable gap in between the two of you. “Good, actually.” You answered, making her look at you in disbelief as you could see the disappointment in her eyes. “Oh, well good for you.” She said, trying her best to sound sincere. “No, no, not like that. I mean I- I missed you Less, so much.” Her expression now changed into one of confusion. “I mean I have been doing better, taking care of myself and stuff, you know.” You were stumbling over your words so much you had to take a quick breath, but the frown on Alessia’s face starting to disappear encouraged you to continue. 
“I’m working out again, almost everyday, and I asked my mum to help me manage my schedule. She is awfully strict with me but I think that’s just what I needed.” You smiled faintly at that last part, as Alessia knew your mum and could definitely imagine how having her in control of you schedule would be a pain. “So how about the band? How did they react to all of this?” She asked carefully. “I actually arranged a meeting with them shortly after our, well, you know, pause.” You awkwardly looked away as you didn’t want to bring up that subject yet, before quickly continuing. “Our manager, Paul, was even there, and I brought up the subject of our mental and physical health and how our current lifestyle wasn’t sustainable if we wanted to grow further and have a future. I cried and it was terrifying to call everyone out like that, but in the end they all agreed with me.” “Even Paul?” She asked, amazed. “Well, it took him some time to get on board with the whole plan, but after two days he suddenly changed his mind. I reckon my mum has something to do with that, but of course she denies everything.” You chuckled lightly at that whilst the muscles in Alessia’s face slowly relaxed further. “I’m glad to hear that, Y/N.” She said genuinely. 
An awkward silence arose as you tried to remember everything you wanted to say to apologise to her whilst she looked at you expectantly. She must have sensed you were heading towards panic mode, as she suddenly got up from the couch. “Can I get you a drink? Tea maybe?” She knew how poor your decision making skills were, especially in your current flustered state, so she handed you an easy answer. “Yeah, thanks.” 
When she came back with two cups of tea however, your mind was still all over the place as you nervously danced with your feet and neither of you sought eye contact. In a desperate attempt to both calm your nerves and buy yourself some time to gather your thoughts, you took a sip of your tea, which was obviously still way too hot, making you flinch before swiftly putting the cup back down. You figured maybe you just had to start talking, so you opened your mouth slightly, but nothing came out. “So, erm-” Alessia started, finally forcing you to speak up. “I’m sorry, I-“ You stuttered. “Sorry for what?” She asked, probably aiming to help you find your words. “I just- I prepared this whole speech for this moment but now I’m drawing a blank. No words seem good enough.” You blurted out. “Oh.” Was all she said, followed by another dreadful silence.
“I wrote you a song.” You finally said, still staring at your dancing feet, making her head shoot up to look at you. “Really?” She replied, looking at you in disbelief. “Yeah.” You answered. “Want to hear it?” She nodded and you walked to your car to grab the synthesizer you brought.
You walked back into her living room, synth case wrapped around your shoulder, amplifier in your hand and keyboard stand firmly clamped under your armpit. “Oh wow.” She said upon noticing the gear you brought. “Yeah well, I’m not singing to you a capella.” You chuckled. “You're singing to me?” She looked at you in awe. 
As your bands keyboardist, you usually only sang backing vocals, so you weren’t quite used to putting your voice out there like you were about to do. That, combined with the fact that this song was far more intimate and downtempo than anything you would usually write or play with your band, made you feel very fragile, but you knew that’s what you had to be like now.
You hastily plugged everything in as your heart rate started to increase rapidly, making your hands shake and struggle to connect the final cable. “Need any help?” Alessia asked, clearly noticing you anxious state. “I’m good, thanks.” You answered, knowing her getting closer to you would only make matters worse.
When everything was plugged in and ready, you positioned yourself behind your synthesizer. “Here goes nothing.” You mumbled to yourself as you looked at the girl you were about to serenade to, before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. Your fingers found the right keys with your eyes still closed, and you laid down the first chord. Towards the end of a brief intro, you took another deep breath before softly but openly carrying the first note into the song. 
Night skies, dark and stormy Soft cries, as you lay before me Blue eyes, could never bore me No lies, please inform me How, can you be, so Wow, I can see, some How, you cared for me, but Now, I made you flee Strong grips, a feeling I savour She flips, making me quaver Eclipse, do me a favour Her lips, strawberry flavour How, can you be, so Wow, I can see, some How, you cared for me, but Now, I made you flee How, can you be, so Wow, I can see, some How, I want you with me, I Vow, to love you like you should be loved, loved, loved, should be loved
As you laid down the last chord and note, a single tear rolled down your cheek. Since you had played most of the song with your eyes closed, you had no clue how Alessia responded to it. You kept your eyes closed a little longer, letting the sound completely fade out, before finally peeking at the girl in front of you, to find her glancing at you in awe, eyes brimmed with tears. You both remained quiet for a bit, not breaking the eye contact, before she got up to pull you into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” she muddled into your neck, “that was beautiful.” 
Alessia sat back down on the couch as she opened up her arms again, gesturing for you to join her. You carefully sat down next to her, and she pulled you into her for another tight hug. Both of you lay curled up on the couch for a while in a comfortable silence, sinking into each others embrace. “I’ve missed this.” Alessia finally spoke. “Me too.” You said and you returned to silence. Neither of you wanted to ruin this near perfect moment of finally being able to hold each other again, but you also knew the conversation wasn’t finished. You were glad she liked the song, but there was more to be said.
“I am so sorry Less, about everything.” You said. “Y/N, it’s okay, I get it.” “No it’s not.” You interrupted her. “I was having a hard time adjusting to my sudden new life, but that’s no excuse for treating you the way I did. Nothing is.” You said, finally finding the right words to say. “I was absolutely blind to your needs and I completely broke your trust. I know I don’t deserve another chance whatsoever, but if you’ll let me, I’ll do everything in my power to be better, and to regain your trust.”
She slowly sat up, breaking out of the embrace you’d been in this whole time. Thankfully she just did this now, as her piercing blue eyes staring right into your soul sure made it a lot harder to find your words. “Listen, Y/N/N,” her finally using your nickname again made you swoon, “I am glad to hear you’re working on yourself and you’re living a healthier life again, and I really loved the song, it’s truly beautiful.” She paused for a bit to think. “But?” You asked anxiously. “But,” she repeated, “two weeks is not enough to prove you have changed, because what you did, Y/N, and how you acted, it really did break my trust, and it will take time to heal from that and regain it.” She took a long pause again, before adding: “If ever.” That last part hit you like a brick fell into your stomach, but you held yourself together, knowing she was right, and you deserved this. “Of course.” You replied softly. “I get that. Take all the time you need, okay?” You tried to reassure her. 
“So what now?” You asked after yet another silence. “Let’s just take things slow, right? If you want we can go out next week, and then we’ll see how things move from there.” She replied. “I’d love that, Less.” You smiled softly. “Good. I’m looking forward to it, Y/N.” She said, a genuine smile on displayed on her face. 
“By the way, do you have a recording of that song somewhere?” “Erm maybe, why?” You answered suspiciously. “You can’t show it to your friends!” You said, to which she chuckled. “All right, I won’t, but please, I’d love to listen to it again.” She said, persuading you with her puppy dog eyes. “Okay sure, but if you show it to anyone you’re dead. My tough reputation is on the line here.” You said, to which she snorted, making it known that was not the reputation she’d known you to have at all. “Then maybe we’ll be even.” She mumbled, but still loud enough for you to hear her, making you gasp. “Too soon Russo.”
She walked you back to your car, assisting you with your gear. “Thanks, roadie.” You joked. “Hey, watch it, don’t make me make you carry my boots and shin pads around.” She retaliated. You’d missed joking around with her so much. “Don’t even joke about that. You know I’d do it.” You said, referring to how, before everything went down, she had you wrapped around her finger. “Oh I know.” She smiled, raising her eyebrows provocatively. “Hey Less” You started in a more serious voice. “Yeah?” “Please keep me in the loop, you know, about everything you’re feeling about this, I mean, us.” “Yeah, I will, you too.” She replied. “Will do.” You said as you closed the trunk of your car. Before you got into your car, she pulled you in for a quick hug again, swiftly placing a kiss on your cheek. “See you next week, Y/N.”
Just as you started to feel at peace with how everything went today, a car pulled up next to yours. “Y/N?” An angry sounding voice called out. You knew that voice all too well from how it told you you were dead to her a little over two weeks ago. “Ella, hi.” You said calmly, whilst screaming on the inside. She got out, leaving her car in the middle of the street, as she slammed her door shut with a loud thud. “How dare you show up here after all that you’ve done?” She yelled “Ella, it’s o-” “You stay out of this.” She shushed her best friend. “Alessia might still have her love goggles on for you, but I sure don’t.” She turned back to Alessia. “Less please, remember how she ruined you. Don’t give her a chance to do it again.” Alessia remained quiet as she stared a the ground, clearly doubting everything that had happened today as her best friend tried to knock some sense into her. “Ella I-” “I don’t want to hear it.” She cut your attempted explanation off. “Piss of Y/N, I never want to see you near my girl again.” She said, pointing an angry finger at you that almost touched the tip of your nose. Clearly, there was no point in talking to her right now, so you decided to respect her wishes and you got into your car and drove away. 
When you got home, your mind was all over the place again, reviewing all of todays events, not knowing whether to feel happy or terrified, as your stomach felt like a spinning washing machine filled with both bricks and butterflies. You decided to text the girl this was all about asking whether you were still on for next week, but as the day went by you got no reply.
You knew you would have no chance at getting any sleep without hearing from her, so you decided to call her before you went to bed. To your dismay, your call went to voicemail almost straight away, like she immediately swiped it away, so you had no choice but to go to bed without any affirmation whatsoever. As you lay awake, you thought about Ella’s words. Was she right? Should you just leave her alone so you couldn’t hurt Alessia again? This taking things slow thing was going to be way more difficult than you had thought upon agreeing to it. 
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Part 3 out now!
Writer's note: I feel like I'm really putting myself out there with this one, with the song and everything, so I hope you liked it. I wanted to distort my voice to remain anonymous, but ended up kind of liking the effect and I played with it a little. Of course it doesn't sound like the reader is singing it live, but I'll leave that to your imagination. :)
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just-dino-maggie · 1 year
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Hear me out, Boldy falling for a girl who constantly has her guard up is quiet and reserved. However, he tries and tries to get her to let her guard down which she eventually does and she's able to be herself with him and it's all very sweet
I love this request so much!! Thank you for requesting, I hope I can do it justice!
I’ve kept to myself for most of my life. I’m not shy, in fact I quite enjoy being around people. People watching is one of my favorite activities, I think I got that from my Dad. He always told me that it was better to know more about others then they know about you. Asking other people about themselves is attractive, or so I was told.
It turns out I took the advice all too literally. I have my family and my best friend I’ve known since birth and that’s it. I keep everyone else at an arms length. Even my best friend says that my stoicism would he intimidating if she didn’t know me so well. Luckily she knows me more then anyone else in this world.
My childhood was hard dealing with mental and physical ailments due to abuse. So I decided to understand it better. I went to school starting at 16 and double Majored in Kinesiology and Psychology. I wanted to truly understand the body and mind after what mine had been through.
I became a trainer for my colleges hockey team while I was getting my Master of Science in Kinesiology with a concentration in exercise psychology. After 6 years of working my ass off at the age of 22 I became the youngest ever NHL athletic trainer for the Minnesota Wild. Of course have some connections that helped me get this job but not without being qualified.
Quickly I became acquainted with the team. I listened to them so that I could know their bodies and I got damn good at my job. There was always one guy who wasn’t content with the arms length approach I kept. Matt Boldy. This guy is always asking me questions about myself while I’m trying to help him. Deliberately ignoring my question because he’s trying to get to know me.
I should find it sweet, but it’s beginning to frustrate me. I’m not trying to make friends here I’m trying to do my job. I can’t tell him that. He’s so nice to me and his smile is breathtaking. I couldn’t be the one to take the smile off his face.
Today is like any usual morning. I’m the rookie amongst the trainers so I have to make sure to restock everyday before everyone gets here. “Morning Y/n.” A familiar voice calls out. I recognize it right away to be the blonde boy.
“Good morning Matt.” I say curtly watching as he pulls himself on to my table.
He smiles at me, “You look lovely today.”
I shake the compliment away and furrow my eyebrows. I’m sure a blush is evident on my face but ignoring it seems like the best option.“Your sholder is still bothering you, would you like me to wrap it again?”
He looks taken aback and that makes me smirk. I like that I shocked him. “My shoulder is fine, stop deflecting.” He responds with mock anger.
“It’s not fine, you favored your right arm while jumping up on my table. You never do that.” I know I that I’ve caught him when he smiles widely.
He leans in a little, “I like how much you pay attention to me.”
“It’s my job but I’m glad you get some enjoyment out of it.” I reply easily.
He begins to take of his shirt. I’ve seen plenty of the guys shirtless, including Matt a handful of times but it feels different this time. We’re alone in this room and he’s half clothed. “I’ll let you wrap my shoulder if you stop deflecting when I ask you things.”
My eyebrows raise and I smirk knowingly. I’ve mastered deflecting, but he needs his arm wrapped so I’ll try my best. “Sure.”
“Why did you choose this field of work? You’re crazy smart, you could have done anything.” I smile at the compliment.
Carefully massaging his arm I say, “It made the most sense with my degrees, and I know someone in the organization.” The response is easy and not deflecting.
“What do you have degrees in?” He asks looking genuinely curious. I feel weird with his gaze on me like this.
I sigh, I hate talking about it because people think I’m lacking humility. “I have two Bachelor’s in Kinesiology and Psychology and a Master of Science in Kinesiology.” I’m blunt hoping he won’t dwell on it.
“You’re only 22 right? He asks and I nod, “Good, just double checking.” He smiles and we sit in silence for a moment before he speaks up again. “Why did you choose those degrees.”
I simply respond, “I find them interesting.”
I finish wrapping his sholder but he stays on my table and keeps talking. “Can you elaborate.”
“The body and mind are intricate and intriguing.” I can sense the familiar feeling coming into my chest. The anxiety that prohibits me from being vulnerable.
He nods and says, “Yeah I get that but you could have done anything.” He sighs rubbing his face in frustration but his smile still remains. “What I mean is, what is the personal connection you have with those majors. Why are you passionate about it. I want to understand.”
“This conversation is sneaking it’s way out of the strictly professional territory it’s supposed to stay in.” I try to remind him of our work relationship but he doesn’t seem to care.
He shakes his head at my unwillingness to comply. “I’ve seen most of my co-workers naked, I don’t think this particular question is crossing any lines that shouldn’t be crossed.”
“I - um well I guess I didn’t feel like I had that much control over my mind and body growing up. So I wanted to understand it for myself and help other people use theirs to achieve their goals.” I turn away from him and put my things away slowly and carefully.
I can hear him shift but he stays in the table, “Why didn’t you feel like you had control over your body?”
“Again not a topic I would like to get into at work.” I know I’m deflecting by this point but I’m not sure how he even got this far.
I jumps of the table and I turn to face him. “Let me take you out to dinner then?” It’s a statement but he says it like a request. Like it’s such an easy thing to ask of me.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I mutter quietly.
He runs his hand through his hair, clearly thinking about what he’s going to say. “I think it’s a good idea. I like you a lot but I don’t really know you as well as I want you. Sometimes I get to see you, like when you hide your laughs at Kirills stupid jokes or when you John are talking medicine and you light up. But I want to know more. Is that okay?”
I’m shocked by his sincerity and I’m not sure what to say but the words come out anyway. “No one has really noticed me before.”
He takes a step toward me, looking deep into my eyes. “It’s impossible not to notice you Y/n, everyone else is just too stupid to realize how amazing you are.”
I smile despite myself, “You have my number from the groupchat right?” I ask referring to the big groupchat with the practice schedule in it.
“Yeah of course,” He replies. “I’ll text you.”
I push step away from him, “Okay, now get out of here I have work to do.” He smirks at me and grabs his shirt leaving the room. A few moments later my phone lights up.
I’ll pick you up Friday at 7:00?
I can’t help but smile.
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chiveburger · 23 days
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Hi Candice! I’ve been following you for ages now so it felt like in some way, we were navigating through life side by side but now I’ve gotten to my late twenties and….its not what I really expected. I hope this doesn’t make hard moments you’ve already gone through reopen and if it does I completely understand why you wouldn’t answer this but…how did you go about being unemployed for awhile? I’m starting to struggle mentally and I just need some sort of real guidance or words. My mom isn’t really making it easy either and I don’t expect it from her but it feels like she wants me to feel these negative emotions that are naturally connected to being jobless which kind of adds to my already pent up pressure I put on myself but yeah…Apart from that, I’m glad you still post and your vlogs are so cute. You’re like sunshine!
I'm very honored that you have followed me for so long, and feel open enough to ask me this question. I definitely look back at the time when I was unemployed, and actively avoiding the job market as something that was necessary to me as an individual. I'm sure you already know, but the novelty of not having a structure routine and not getting paid wears off quickly and it's very easy to delve into depression or negative emotions when times goes by. I stopped working for 2 years during covid, and when I started applying and looking again it was a very daunting hill to climb. I would feel dejected if I didn't get a job, but also conflicted when I did get an interview for something I felt overqualified for. I was stuck in this slump where I had things I wanted to do but not enough credentials. at the same time I wasn't putting enough time into my "hobbies" to really make it a career.
the first piece of advice I can give you, albeit tacky, is that you are absolutely not alone. the emotions you're feeling are justified, and it's not an easy place to be without a solid foundation of support both emotionally and financially. two little quotes that continues to help me through difficult periods of time is that "life is fluid" and "nothing you do is ever in vain." we're not always where we want to be, doing what we want to do, but things can change and things will get better. your life is not defined by the time that you're unemployed, and while it's hard to envision your future amidst darkness, the darkest hour is just before dawn. all the steps you're taking and decide to take will lead you to different opportunities and experiences, regardless of them being good or bad I implore you to reach out and try, no matter how scary because you'll never know what road it'll take you.
sometimes you are met with harsh words and critique about your choices but I look back on the ones that came from those who love me and wish better for me, and I thank them for not just consoling me but pulling me out of the hole I was stuck in. my best friend told me that she didn't want me to look back in regret, and to wait for an outcome I wasn't actively putting energy to. she told me to go home and write down what I wanted to do, curate a plan, and to do something everyday even if it was small. ultimately, it took a long time for me to open up to the idea of working again and I made a lot of excuses not to. I took up an offer for my current job close to 2 years ago without any expectations, and I've accomplished much more than I could've imagined. I know what path I want to take and how to get there, and I have a lot of people who believed in me, who praised me, who supported me to thank. In return, I can be the one to believe in you, to praise you, and to support you in your journey too.
I've been in the exact position that you're in and it's very hard, and there are many times where you'll feel very bad but please remember there will always be second chances, third chances, fourth chances. don't be afraid to apply to places outside of your comfort zone, and know that everytime you get rejected it's okay to feel defeated and unhappy. even the bad experiences will potentially lead you to the right people and the right place. so, don't give up because doors will always open for you, even the ones that are locked.
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femmefatalevibe · 6 months
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Hi :) I’m in the middle of a career transition but it hasn’t been going very smoothly and I’ve had to wait for ages for updates from HR. Right now, I’m at a standstill in my current department where I don’t want to take on any new work in case I get my new start date, but the people in my dept are taking advantage of that and trying to get me to do work and “squeeze” me for as long as they can. This has really lessened my drive to be around them, and to go into the office, because I just feel like I’ve overstayed and no one really speaks to me unless it’s for work.
Do you have any advice on how to navigate this? And also - if you have any advice on how to be more liked / respected / taken seriously in my new job? I want to be known as this charismatic, outspoken, cheerful person although I’ve executive dysfunction, depression and generally am critical and with high standards (am working on the last one, trying to give more grace to people but they really try me sometimes)
Hi love! Feeling in limbo with your career/everyday routine + responsibilities is very mentally draining, so I empathize with your current headspace and situation.
Personally, I have a very cynical approach to situations out of my control and never believe anything is happening until I see it in writing, have a confirmation message, have a check successfully processed into my account, etc. From my POV, I find it better to be content that all went well versus anticipating a positive outcome to potentially be disappointed if something does finalize in the way I envisioned it to.
If I were in your shoes, I would acknowledge that it's important to try to find a way out of a work environment where you feel like you've overstayed and don't feel appreciated, but operate from a mindset of it is the only option at the moment that is based on reality and not potential, so it's the best to make the most of the opportunity. Operate as though you must stay at your current workplace/position while continuously working towards transitioning to a new role/environment. Make your role there seem like your long-term status quo, so people don't feel the need to take advantage of you or ice you out. Never tell coworkers about another job until everything is finalized.
When it comes to being liked and respected in your new workplace, I would say the following tips can be helpful:
Appear happy to be at your new workplace while remaining generally calm
Say hello to people, shake their hand, and introduce yourself. Ask them their name, and their role. Let them know how your roles collaborate if you can/where in the office you will be so they know you're available to connect
Have a simple elevator pitch prepared: Your title at the company, team/boss you're working for, past job/role, and why you're excited to be at this new company
Dress for the job you want and/or have, especially on the first day or two. First impressions genuinely matter, so help yourself in this regard
Always accept lunch invites, one-on-ones, and any meeting invites for the first week or two (with your boss's approval, of course). Be ready and glad to help with colleagues' projects, too
For your onboarding, have insightful, thought-provoking, and specific questions for your boss/higher-ups on how you can help them meet their goals and open-ended questions/comments that demonstrate working knowledge in your area of expertise
Once you start on your first projects, triple-check your work and ensure you meet all your deadlines. Impress them (without overworking yourself, though). Again, first impressions matter
Set clear goals with your boss and create a plan to achieve them
Contribute insights, articles, related inspiration, etc. to group conversations, meetings, and projects to gain some authority and recognition without overstepping during the early days. This practice demonstrates initiative, enthusiasm, and working knowledge of your role/industry. Showing you understand the big picture is essential to getting noticed and advancing in your career
Remember small details about someone and follow up semi-regularly to ask about how these things are going (someone has a pet, loves to go golfing, etc.). Strong relationships are the key to success, especially in your professional life and business
Hope this helps xx
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wool-f · 10 months
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29 Lessons from 29 years of living 
Hello friends, 
I’ve spent a little while contemplating on whether or not to create a blog post for this but I figured there is no harm in it, and maybe someone will take something from this the way that I take lessons from other peoples’ confessions. 
I have spent 29 years on this earth so far and only very recently have I started writing myself letters on my birthday, listing all the things that I’ve learnt in the year prior. 
Like most other things I post about on this blog, I’ve made a YouTube video talking about this year’s list and the reasons behind each lesson, which you can watch here, but if you prefer to read through lists and come back to them later etc, like I often do, please continue reading and let me know in the comments if you are going to take on any of the lessons I’ve learnt myself, or if you’re going to start making your own list! I’d love to hear your lessons. 
29 Lessons from 29 years of living: 
1. I am truly capable of creating any life or manifesting any opportunity I want. 
2. I should take as good care of my health as possible. 
3. Always try to learn something from any given situation. 
4. Sometimes, things are just shit and can’t be turned into a learning experience. 
5. Not all friendships are meant to last, no matter how badly you want them to. 
6. Let go of people who make you feel like shit. 
7. Don’t lower your standards - let the good people come to you, they will. 
8. Trust you intuition! It never ever misses. 
9. Read the book, watch the movie and rest when you need it. Enjoyment isn’t always productive. 
10.  Never get tired of going to things by yourself - that’s when you have the most fun.
11. Drink water - as much as you can. 
12. Always wear sunscreen - it’s the reason people are looking younger and younger! 
13. Journalling helps your mental health - keep this habit up. 
14. Moving your body at least once a day and preferably in the morning makes you so much happier. 
15. Keep trying to learn that second or third language - your brain works better because of it. 
16. You are lucky - even when you don’t feel like it. 
17. One walk a day is an act of rebellion against productivity and capitalism! (Read Sarah Wilson’s This one wild and precious life to understand this one) 
18. Look around you - take stock of the beautiful world we are in - look up from your phone!! 
19. Don’t get caught up in what other people think of you - if you’re happy and not hurting anyone, fuck what anyone else thinks. 
20. Some people don’t deserve your forgiveness, your time or your energy. 
21. The love you’ve given others they they haven’t returned is never wasted. 
22. Believe that love is out there - you give it to yourself everyday. 
23. Finding time to be creative is an essential part of your happiness. 
24. Sometimes you can keep a little secret for yourself - it’s fun! 
25. Always looking for a silver lining isn’t weakness - finding a light in the dark is strength. 
26. Meditation is important - it makes you kinder. 
27. If you want to do something, jump at it without hesitation - we only have only life, and it truly isn’t that long. 
28. Find beauty and fun in the small moments in life - the mundane can be the best parts. 
29. Never stop believing that a dream can become reality - what is meant for you will never pass you by and if you’ve imagined it, it is meant to be yours. 
If you’ve gotten to the bottom of this post, thank you for taking the time to read my words and thoughts - these are deeply personal to me, but if you’ve gotten anything from them, I’m glad. 
I hope wherever you are and whoever you are, that you’re having a wonderful day and being your truest and most authentic self. 
Be kind to your self and others. 
See you in the next post! 
Gxx 
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ruminate88 · 3 months
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Hi! I'm trying to learn how to be a better person and I've been reading your blog since I found it. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you get better soon. I know it's cliche to say you're not alone, but you are probably feeling like you are because narcissistic abuse includes being isolated--by being manipulated or being forced to isolate yourself. It's a very slow healing process like an amputated limb, but it WILL get better as you find peace.
Can you maybe make a post with a list of all the bad things narcs have done to you? I think listing helps.
I appreciate you reading my blog if this is all for you, I’m glad I created it. I wanted to help at least one person see a light at the end of their tunnel. Thank you for the kind words I know I’m not completely alone, I pray to God everyday and believe he hears my cries and cares but physically, yes, I don’t talk to family or friends about any of this, I stay to myself, as I’ve been ashamed and unsure if they would be able to understand all I went through and obviously not to upset family.
I can only tell you I’ve felt like a broken/bad person many of days and I don’t take all the credit in healing myself, I believe God has done most of the work. The best choice I ever made was to admit I failed my life and myself. To ask God to change me and change the direction of my life because I was totally lost not knowing what I needed or wanted!! Nothing had been working for me and I was in the vicious cycle of dating manipulating/controlling men. I HAD to make a change or I was going to hurt myself. I felt like a piece of garage that my exes threw away. 😔😔😔
Things that was hardest about narcissistic abuse:
• You don’t recognize the isolation until you’re out of the relationship with the narcissist. You’re so desperate; worried about pleasing them and making them not upset with you, you spend all your time away from people who actually care about you. Memories of those times makes me so sad to this day.
• The love-bomb phase although it appeared wonderful and my exes were paying me so much attention, I think that phase was the most sickening and disturbing phase. They literally pretend to be the “partner of your dreams” while they’re deceiving you so they can use you and control you. I had been unstable already within my mental health so I was an easy target for them to trick me. My ex Andrew told me, “I mean it with all my heart and soul that I love you and want you to text me” even though he had went no contact from me a whole week prior. Him saying such a great statement kept me pulled in to his toxic pool and I kept on drowning in it.
• so I dealt with 3 narcissists but the 2nd one, Cody, he dumped me twice but the 2nd time he did it by ghosting me. I’m not trying to be dramatic when I say it was very traumatizing… Considering you’re in trauma bond with this person. They create a false narrative that you’re both so obsessed with each other and you believe the feelings are reciprocated but they’re not!! The narcissistic relationship is extremely one-sided. So him ghosting me, he not only made me so attached and crazy about the fairytale love he made up with me but then to just ghost me and rip it all away, took my spirit at that time. I was a dead person walking after that. I saw almost NO hope for me. Then to meet Andrew not even 6 months after and I begged Andrew pleeeease don’t hurt me like Cody did but Andrew couldn’t help who he is. 💔🖤
• Another scar I have had to overcome is after I broke up with Andrew, we continued to flirt and sext a lot but then started to argue a lot. (He would claim he missed sexting me but then blame me and say I was making him wanna sext that I didn’t respect the breakup) Arguing through text is always rough because words can be misconstrued. (I couldn’t hardly get him on the phone ever to actually talk. He only wanted to text.) Andrew said very hurtful things to me. He kept changing “our story” because he couldn’t be honest with himself or take accountability for the fact he was in a real relationship with me for a year. He told me “He pretended all this feelings to just lead me on” but then quickly changed his story again to say “he was in love with me but fell out of love with me and was afraid to tell me” but the biggest slap in my face was eventually he exclaimed, “If I’m hurting you so much then just stop caring about me.” 😭 (as if I could just undo the attachment he allowed me to make with him. The many months he got my hopes up with future faking plus the promises he gave to me that I held onto but he couldn’t take accountability for anything he had done to me or with me.
• Eventually during the many arguments I had with Andrew, I hit my breaking point and had a suicide attack!! I let him know right away I was done fighting and didn’t see how I could continue on with him. I told him I wanted to end my life and then flipped a switch and pretended to be scared for me and pretended to “rescue me” blew up my phone begging me to stay and saying he’s sorry to have said what he said in our arguments. I wanted to believe him so bad. Whenever the attack subsided hours later and I was able to calmly reply to his countless pleas for me to stay, he pretended to have been so “worried about me” but then explained he believed “I wasn’t well and needed to get professional help.” He made me believe I was messed up and had so many issues…. Now I finally look back and think that was a form of gaslighting. He found something he could use to make me look like a problem and it deflected the focus off of him being a cheater and a liar. (He had a new girlfriend already) That whole situation caused me so much anger that I never saw till years later when I am now healing, I realize I had all that anger to deal with. It was uncomfortable!
• Always being nervous with their reactions and consistenly apologizing for them, as they make you to believe everything is your fault. They don’t like when you speak up against their actions and behaviors. 3 times I tried to confront Andrew as he would ignore me 2/3 days at a time but then always come back and treat me like I was his baby and he wanted me. Those 3 times I would ask if he’s too busy for us, does he want to break up and just be friends but he would always get so defensive and act upset like I was causing him so much stress. It would always end with me being sorry and telling him how much I adore him and I would kiss his feet like he was a king and he would then say the most romantic things to me and say how beautiful I was BUT I always knew in the back of my mind he was cheating and hiding stuff from me but I was scared to admit it out loud and “lose him.” My friends would tell me what a loser he was that I should leave him but I would get so upset and push my friends away. Andrew was barely there for me but I was 110% faithful to him.
• Seeking their approval was super exhausting too and it’s taken me years to relax and be comfortable within my skin. Andrew and Cody both gave me so little but they took everything from me. I was pathetic in sitting next to my phone 24/7 begging Andrew to text me and pay me attention because when he did, it was always “hey babe I missed you” and he would Snapchat me selfies and I would melt at his sparklingly blue eyes yet they were fake. Truly his eyes are black!!! I would cry for days with my phone and stalk Andrew’s social media pages hoping I don’t find other women and I could never find proof he was cheating. When Andrew would finally text me back or Snapchat me, I didn’t want him to leave again so I was throwing myself at him!! 🥴🥴🥴 I would dress up with all the makeup and sometimes no clothes on hoping to make him wanna stay and he would tell me how much I turned him on how he wanted me but didn’t wanna tell our parents about our relationship… (I just knew he was hiding things and other girls but I would not admit it for months)
They make holidays miserable 😩 •Halloween - Andrew said he was going to a party, didn’t invite me and I didn’t hear from him again till the next day. (Cheating)
• Thanksgiving, didn’t hear from Andrew at all till later that night and he was out “Black Friday shopping” and treating me like some random person he’s texting. I spent that whole day isolated during my family dinner. I had my phone on a charger in the wall and spent hours trying to type a long text message to tell him how bothered I was with his “hot and cold” behavior but every time I wanted to send it to him, I was scared he would dump me and I kept erasing my message and retyping it. People kept asking “you okay??” And I pretended I was fine. He stole that thanksgiving away from me!! (Mind you any regular day Andrew would text me just fine it was only holidays he ruined)
• Christmas - sucked!!!! No good morning babe or merry Christmas from Andrew till really late when the day is almost over. I yet again was isolating myself during family time. Stayed in my bedroom so sad why my “boyfriend” hadn’t texted me alllll day. When he did finally text, I confronted his absense and he exclaimed “he wasn’t worthy of my love” and “he wasn’t good enough for me.” I thought he was breaking up with me and I cried so hard. He swore that he wasn’t breaking up but that he believed I deserved better than him and he could never be enough for me. It was so confusing and I was actually happy when the day ended because it just sucked so much 😣
• Valentine’s Day - Was the worst one. Andrew was different the whole month of January prior. He was the best boyfriend daily talking sweet to me and showing me “affection” and selfies galore but on Valentine’s Day it felt so forced with him. I begged him would he send me a video of himself saying “I love you” and he did!!! It just all felt off. Then later that night. He was super cold. I asked him “what are your plans tonight??” He said “I never get time to myself, I’m always studying, doing homework or spending time with you.” 🥺 ouch!!! He said he just wanted to play video games and relax…. He continued to snap me some but I felt he didn’t really want to. He took time in between each response, leaving me to sit on my phone all night wishing things were better. He flirted some but that was it. I was in bed disappointed he chose video games over me on valentines day and at some point he never responded back!! I sat up till 3am letting tears fall as I gazed at Snapchat seeeing he still never opened my message… the thing with him is usually if he felt “sick” he would text me about it. So next morning he messaged me first goood morning and asked how I slept. I told him I waited up till 3am for him to respond!! THEN Andrew said “I didn’t sleep at all. I was up sick to my stomach all night”…. What?!! I knew he was lying. 😔 I asked him why didn’t he tell me he got sick and he said because he it was his stomach and he was embarrassed to say he was in the bathroom… haha (the man sent me nude selfies from his shower almost daily. He’s not embarrassed easily.)
I know this is a lot but I am finally at a place where I believe I experienced all of this so that I can better understand and relate to other people. All the anger and bitterness I had from both my exes was hard but gave me tough skin. All the nights and days I didn’t sleep worried if I was impressing them. They never deserved me to impress them but I can’t help but think maybe a small part of me touched their lives but maybe that’s just hopeful thinking. I hate to call them monsters, it makes me feel bad but I can’t hide the fact they hurt me soooooo deep. ❤️‍🩹🖤
(The list of things I endured from both Cody and Andrew could go on for many chapters. I chose the moments that I felt affected me the most)
You said it right!!! It’s exactly like a limb that needs healing. It’s every part of me. Years after I got away from Andrew, I started to randomly lose all the weight I couldn’t before. I lost a lot of hair too and I was so defensive in my marriage. My husband could say the littlest thing to trigger me and I instantly wanted to be so upset and hold everything inside to avoid any conflict. I hate confrontation it didn’t always go so easy with Andrew or Cody. It’s scary to wonder how my husband would react. Would he be different from those men?
I blocked Andrew’s number in 2015 and I didn’t learn about narcissism until 2022!!! That’s a long time that I searched for answers and I struggled in my marriage because I’ve kept a guard up scared to face anymore humiliation or disappointment in my life. Now that I understand a little more about what emotional abuse is, I began to feel everything and make more sense of it. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve worked so hard on getting my hair back and getting my gut health under control. I’m spending so much time with family and I stand up for myself more!!!! I believe there is much purpose in all the suffering I faced with the narcissists. (There just has to be) I believe all of it made me a stronger person!! Do I “miss” the false faces and the love bomb phase?? It’s addicting more than it is “missing them”. I don’t know the real Andrew or Cody. Last time I tried to Google cody, I felt like he was sooo different it bothered me so much. I basically had a one-sided relationship with total strangers who hated my guts but pretended to be in love with me… they haunt me every day but I refuse to ever reach out to them and I do try to pray for them every time I feel upset about them. What else can I do?? It’s all over! They can’t change what they did to me and I can’t make them say sorry. If God doesn’t change them, they’re never going to feel empathy for the broken heart they gave me but God is showing me love I never saw ever before. So is my husband. I’m learning just now to finally trust both God and my husband!! (Taking deep breaths because I’m safe now) I’m only looking up now! I’ve already hit my rock bottom! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Hope this is all enlightening, encouraging and helpful! Thank you again for taking time to message me!! 🥰
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bosskie · 2 years
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Hi, I'm glad you feel better again! It must be so hard to deal with a problem like yours everyday; I read that some celebrities and also Einstein himself suffered from impostor syndrome (and the latter was Asperger too, like me). I'm happy you can be strong and have some ways to distract yourself from negative thoughts. I see your Gluksona is similar to Molluck, but has blue eyes and long ears like Aslik, it makes a nice mix! I can't see Molluck as adorable, but surely he's... "smokin' hot"! :D
Hi there!
Yesterday, I even felt better since I made the contract with my employer and it somehow made me feel better with myself. My employers seem to be very pleased with my ideas and content I have been doing. I had quite loose introduction but I managed to see what they wanted. It still feels kinda odd to have a job like this since I can work pretty freely and I’m responsible for designing important stuff and creating content basically alone. It’s a very creative job and lots of thinking must be done. There really couldn’t be any better summer job for me and I may continue working there later on. (Y) Man, I have been stressing a lot with stuff in the spring and had sleepless moments thanks to that but everything turned out to be fine. Like, all my stress was vain.
Yeah, I can understand why a person like Einstein can suffer from impostor syndrome. It seems to be a thing that intelligent people are aware of that what they don’t know and focus on that. There is also other stuff like high expectations but there is no reason to go further with this topic since you can read more about it elsewhere. Yeah, intelligence is one thing that interests me too and all those ways to test it but I’m personally not into taking any official test because I don’t do anything with it and I’m not into going to any high-IQ society, it would feel odd too... I just find those tests as fun little things, though they are kinda annoying too thanks to their awful logics, ‘rotate this, flip that, move this etc.’... It starts to get boring after a while. Man, I could talk a lot of this topic too but um, I stop for now.
Well, it’s not that easy really since I barely feel rested and I have felt exhausted for many years. I also mostly feel quilty for letting myself rest and I feel like I gotta do stuff all the time to feel worth of something. I also feel like I didn’t really rest at all on my holiday because I’m way too exhausted that one month would help and I still wanted to do stuff, even be a part of one project. It even feels bad  sometimes to let myself play video games for example but I just try to tell myself to shut up ‘n’ try to enjoy life too. I don’t really see myself as strong, I just do what I have to do to survive. But I would have ruined my life without my strong mind. My problems just feel shameful because my life is good and things could be a lot worse in my life. But I guess that it’s because mental health problems are not seen the same way as other health issues. Like, some people don’t understand that you can suffer from depression and have things fine in your life, be even able to do something else than just lay on your bed... Some of my mental health problems are gone now or at least a lot smaller but my self-hatred has become stronger... There is also other stuff in my life that make my life harder too but I just gotta find ways to deal with them. Yeah, my situation is quite complex... I’m not trying to evoke any pity toward me because I actually hate it if someone pities me. I just don’t find it helpful at all. Caring is a different thing. Also, we all got our own hardships in our lives.
Man, I feel like I’m one odd mess of all kinds of things... I feel like my blog is also a mess too but oh well, it just looks like me then but I kinda hate it still. But yeah, the best way for me to distract myself from my awful thoughts is forgetting myself. I also gotta say that PS1 Oddworld games also relieve me... I just find them calming... No other game calms me like them.
Oh, thanks! Those ears are actually trying to resemble my sideburns since Gluks have no hair... Also yeah, I got Aslik-like eyes so I made my Gluksona have them too. It’s hard to create him more unique because Molluck is already so much like me as a Gluk...
Heh, yeah, smokin’ hot(tie) indeed. (Y) But yeah, for some reason, I find Molluck the most adorable creature I know... He is just so cute! Yeah, it’s pretty impossible to explain why my brain finds Molluck so adorable... I just love the way he lives, meaning his expressions and behaviour, how he speaks etc. I love how ‘loose’ his head is and he has so beautiful eyes... No matter what his mood is, he is cute! I also love his petite and fine features, like his hands and legs... But also the whole shape of his head and body. But he is still masculine and strong. I just love the mix of those two! Yeah, my way to see Molluck may be soft because I see him beautiful and adorable the most... Here’s again this lil edit I did to one of my previous anwers to you because there is just something so cute in these...:
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My mind still wants me to leave Molluck sometimes for many reasons but when I look at him, I don’t really want to because he is so cute and I would be lonelier without him... Yeah, my definition for cute may be odd... But I recently just felt like I’m ruining Molluck too... I know, it’s nonsense again but my self-hatred wants me to believe otherwise. Like, my mind sometimes just tries to convince me to leave some stuff because ‘it’s nothing useful’... Man, could my mind just let me enjoy life and be totally fine with need of rest. Not everything you do should be useful but you never know what will be useful too.
I feel both sorry and grateful that you listen to and care about me. If you ever want to have more personal conversation(s), just let me know!
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saphilous · 9 months
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oh i have bpd too! i was diagnosed in october 2020 at 18 years old. however i have been struggling with mental illness ever since i started puberty at around 10 years old.
you said you are handling your bpd well, and i’m happy for you! i know it must’ve been hard so congrats! :)
but i was wondering if you could share any tips on how to control bpd? i’m struggling a lot. the littlest things make me suicidal, i can’t be left alone bc i’ll hurt myself, i have zero friends because i’m so scared of abandonment, etc
i want to get better but i don’t know how. everyone just says therapy or yoga, but therapy is too expensive and i have trauma related to yoga so….
i am on medication though and it helps, but not enough.
if you don’t feel comfy sharing your tips or answering this i totally understand! i won’t be mad if you just delete this :)
anyway i hope you have a great day or night!
Hey bud!
So I was diagnosed at 16-17 but has been struggling with it throughout my life. It sucks like a lot.. I got to a point where I was in a fully toxic relationship where the other person was actively encouraging me to SH at a point. Getting out of that relationship pushed me into a 6 month long crippling depression period where I did not leave my house at all, literally not even once.
It did take a while to get back to a relatively "normal" state. I got lucky and found some pretty good friends through a game and that was one of the things I could hold on to. But I do go BPD on them all the time, although internally. Worrying that they're gonna abandon me or worse hate me but not tell me that
I just try to distract myself from those thoughts as quickly as possible by closing chat and scrolling through Tumblr or doing something else that I'm actively obsessed with like a VG or cooking.
And I get your situation as well. Therapy is way too expensive than its supposed to be. I'm glad you're taking meds tho. They do help in the longterm even if the effects are not that noticeable immediately :)
The best advice I can give (even tho I don't think I'm qualified to lol) is to acknowledge the BPD. I know it's not easy at all. Takes a lot of energy to keep yourself sane every second of everyday. BPD is an active issue. It's gonna take a lot to bear all of that and not let it effect our lives too much. Ik everyone says it'll get better while the world is actively getting worse every single day, it is important to remind ourselves what matters to us. For me, it's pets, my writing, my plants, etc. BPD makes me feel like anything can leave me at any moment. That puts me in a constant alert mode. So I write random stories when I feel like I'm spiraling. I go and take care of my plants, cut dried out leaves, water them, etc., I cook or look at pics of my friends' pets or cats of tumblr. Mostly because these can't abandon me ig? Like anyone can take anyything away from me but not my ability to write. Makes me feel like I'm being myself. And it acts like an outlet cus most of my OCs have BPD too lol.
I try not to get too attached to my friends but it happens lol. They don't know I have BPD but they're pretty nice. Having a friend group helps a lottt! It might take a while to find them. I found it last year after struggling to maintain any sort of friends for so long. I hope you can find people like that too ❤️
But hey, until then It's important to find or create something that we can call our own.
I don't think I can ever recover from BPD. Don't even know if I can ever be "normal" But I'm gonna continue to be weird af and live life on my terms because fuck life. And it tends to fuck me a lot too lol
I have no idea if that made any sense but hey! You're always welcome to text me or send me an anon ask if you're feeling down!
If I can have a wish, it'll be to just eliminate BPD and the trauma that led to it for everyone :)
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sludgefriend · 10 months
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What’s better, something that’s true, or something that’s useful?
Not everything that is true is useful, and likewise, not everything that is useful is true. The common orbital depiction of an atom is not true in that it doesn’t accurately depict how atomic structures actually function, but it’s useful as a model to teach to people just learning the fundamentals of chemistry. While it’s true that the character “H” makes the /h/ sound in American English, it’s also true that in Russian, it makes a sound comparable to the American English /n/, and being taught this would likely just be confusing to a child learning to read and write in North America.
To preface, I’m struggling with this, lately. Would I prefer the information that I have and for my experience with the world to be true, or would I prefer it to be useful? Is it better to have a more complete picture of the world, even if having more information is detrimental to the processes that i engage with, or even to my mental or physical well-being?
Is it more beneficial for things to be true rather than useful? Should we strive to know all that we can about the world so that we can make more informed decisions? We only have a limited amount of time on this planet. How much of it do you really want to devote to finding out the truth?
Meanwhile, things that are useful are useful because… they’re useful. While it may not be true to believe that you’re the best pianist in the world, that’s every lived, it may be genuinely very useful to believe in order to grant you some extra confidence and really push your abilities to the next level. Although, it could also leave you with some glaring blind spots that could lead to your downfall. Furthermore, if you ever do find out the truth in a concrete enough way, it could lead to you tumbling down all of the constructions and illusions you’ve erected, transforming something that was useful into a nightmarish sort of trap.
But then again, can we ever even really know anything to be true in the first place? As I went through college, the thing that came up time and time again as the most shocking revelation was that… we don’t really **know** anything. We’ve just got a lot of really good guesses that have worked out well enough most of the time. Beyond that, every single thing that every individual experiences is filtered through their own personal thousands and thousands of biases. Our brains seem to almost solely function and interpret the world on the back of bias. Of course, though, truth is a spectrum. You can learn a concept in a way that is more or less true than an alternative method. But should you leverage that truth for usefulness, if given the option? If you can’t ever know the full scope of something, is it better to learn just the parts of it that you can utilize?
I like to think that all information can be useful, even if you can’t conceive of how. Would it be useful for my everyday life to have an encyclopedic knowledge of a fictional work’s ecosystems? No, probably not. But it could spark inspiration. It could provide me an alternative way of conceptualizing things.
I guess, at the end of the day, it all just really kind of depends on what you want out of life. It’s easy to say “I value truth and I think that we should pursue truth above all else”. Or perhaps it’s just useful. Regardless, what I’m trying to say is that you probably can’t really apply the ideology as a binary and rather it needs to be applied case-by-case. Perhaps that’s why I’m struggling with it so much right now. I have some basic things that I want. What’s better to seek, if I want those things, truth, or utility? I wanted to say that that’s an easy answer, but it’s really not.
What’s even harder is, I’m not sure I really know what I want out of life overall. What life could I live, and on my death bed be able to look back at it and say “Cool. I’m glad we did things this way”? I don’t know. I thought I knew for a really long time, but I don’t, and it’s leaving me in the wind. In thinking that I knew, the answer to my question here seemed obvious. The more information I have, the more tools I have at my disposal. The more information that I have that’s true, the more likely it is to be applied successfully.
But now I’m not so sure. Because when I look back, the things that I’ve experienced and learned that really made me feel complete, made me feel competent weren’t necessarily true. Possibly, they were even more useful than they were true. So now, facing an uncertain future with uncertain desires and uncertain goals in a world where most truths dissolve if you look at them the wrong way, I’m not so sure what it’s better to value. And maybe it doesn’t even really matter. Maybe I’ll just end up just doing whatever feels good at the time. But it’s something that’s worth considering.
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foreverlilanxiety · 1 year
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Day 4
In what area do you think you’ve made the biggest improvements?
Emotionally.
I started 2022 off being pretty hung up about 2021. So many things happened in ‘21—good & bad. In the midst of the pandemic, I felt so blissful. I was truly enjoying myself & I felt like nothing could stop me. Everything moved so fast & I tried to indulge as much as I possibly could.
Everything started so fast… & ended so quickly.
So yes, I started 2022 with being a wreck. I spent so much of it dreading in regrets & being disgusted with myself. I beat myself up pretty much everyday, haha.
But I also spent the year truly working on myself. Mentally, of course, but mostly emotionally. I knew I needed to heal internally in order to take the next steps to better myself. I moved out. Trying my best to keep maintenance up with my car. I starting losing weight healthily. I started laughing more & enjoying everyone’s company.
I can say that I’ve emotionally improved so much. I feel a lot more confident in myself & feel so much stronger. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m glad that I’ve pulled myself out of the hole.
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diahmandis · 1 year
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January
(even though I wrote this ln February 6th)
To my future self, I know that someday you’ll look back on this blog and reread posts and cringe so hard at what you’ve written — but I just want to tell you that I’m proud of you EVEN if you did not accomplish writing about how your day went on Tumblr every single day. Well, You’ve successfully posted on your Instagram dump (@pritongsiomai – I hope you still remember her) everyday for the month of January until now, as you were writing this on February 6th of 2023. Anyway, back to what you wanted to say:
I guess I could say that the month has been a rollercoaster of emotions. The first few weeks of January were absolutely stressful since I was struggling to keep up with all my requirements from the previous semester; deadlines were piled up like crazy and I didn’t think I could finish everything on time. But I did. (Well, except for PE where I got an INC but that’s TOTALLY FINE. I can finish that before the year ends. Sure I can.) I successfully finished the semester with 1.5 as my lowest grade (wait til I get my grades from PE lol). I’m so glad that I got to hang out with friends even outside of academic requirements (well, we DID do academic requirements but we did it TOGETHER outside of class.) I’m thankful for the bond that Rei, Alyanna and I had shared this month. It feels refreshing to finally have people whom I can call friends at UP. Oh. Another thing. I finally had the time to reflect. After a very long while, I got to experience VACATION properly again. Like I literally have nothing to do (except PE… okay I’ll finish that SOON!!!!)
Going back, despite that haunting INC, I’m incredibly proud of myself for pushing through and sticking to the things that I told myself I would do to change for the better. I promised myself that 2023 would be the year when I started thinking of myself more — prioritizing my mental health, investing in myself, and just overall trying to be the best version of me I could ever be. I started reading again, which is good because I have been discovering so much things about me that I never really knew. I finished Every Day by David Levithan, a favorite when I was sixteen. And now, at twenty two it really hit different. I really wasn’t that impressed by it. But okay, it’s still a good book. 6/10. I also started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, but I haven’t revisited the book again since I got a physical copy of a different self-help book — Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert. And oh my fucking god. It has been so impactful to the way I think as a creative. I can’t even explain how much I love it. So, to my future self, if ever you’re coming across this and you don’t know which book to read, pick it up again. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of insights there. I marked it up for you.
This month was also challenging for Sean and I’s relationship. I mean we obviously did NOT break up, but we had some trouble here and there because of our personal priorities. Which is totally understandable by the way, we didn’t have any huge fight about it but we were able to talk it through and compromise for each other. And on that note, I just love our relationship because we’ve obviously grown so much individually and as a couple. We’re able to fully express our feelings without sudden outbursts of emotions, we just talk shit through and get over the things that we’re supposed to get over together. Safe to say that our relationship has never been healthier.
I just loved how January was for me. I’m hoping that the next couple of months will be too. I’m already claiming that this is going to be my year. I’m owning it. 2023 will be the hear when I’ll start my journey to become a bad ass boss bitch.
See you at the end of the month, I guess.
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roooofie · 1 year
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My first post for 2023.
Not sure if I’ll even keep up with it but I do want to say that I’m proud of who I’m becoming. The past few years have been downright tough and exhausting. My mental state was slowly deteriorating day by day. It was such a struggle to put on a facade that I was okay, that I was happy when I was spiraling internally. Everyday was a constant war to fight my demons, to push those negative thoughts out my head. I was depressed. I cried so often that it almost felt like it was normal. I tried to seek help but even that yielded little progress. No one could fix me.
Eventually I knew that I had to veer myself back on track. Only I could decide to move forward and heal - to be a better person for myself and my surroundings. It has been a long time coming and it’s still a work in progress but I’m glad to be present. To wake up and continue to be here and find my purpose. To be soft when it was easier to be cold and heartless. To remain hopeful when hope was no where to be found. From here on out, I will try my best not to succumb to depressive episodes.
It’s time to heal and to rebuild. Heal from past traumas, toxic behaviors, and unnecessary bullshit that weighed me down. And to rebuild strength, courage and confidence that was robbed from me.
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weskerluvr69 · 1 year
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lament.
julie. 
i don’t know if you’ll read this but assuming from your recent posts, you’ve definitely been keeping up with my twitter so. i can only guess you will.
do not excuse my nonchalant attitude as a means of me being glad you’re gone and that this was supposed to be the ploy from the beginning, like we were all just waiting for you to give us an excuse so we could drop you. because that isn’t it at all. i gave you the chance to explain and call me on the phone because you were my best friend. of course i wanted to hear what you had to say, and a part of me did want to believe everything was a lie so we could just go back to how we were. but it isn’t, and you blocked me everywhere before even trying to talk things out. so don’t act like this was an public exile because even after you blocked me on here, you blocked me on twitter, you blocked my phone number, you blocked me on discord, ffs you even blocked me on OVERWATCH... i tried to tell you my last words to you on steam. so we could attempt to have a civil conversation and bury the hatchet or even just remain friendly--civil with each other.
but you blocked me there too.
even though i reciprocated after the fact and mutually blocked you everywhere, i still haven’t blocked your number. i don’t know why i didn’t before i deleted it, maybe at that time i was hopeful you’d try to respond to me and give me an apology or at least just fucking say something. but whatever, i know you won’t be texting.
i was immature by bringing it on twitter and i’ll admit that. bc im usually better than that. but you don’t even know how upset i was over all the things i saw and heard. and fuck, dude... mika and tommy admitted they participated in shit talking. me, annie, and alex admitted to them we also participated... why couldn’t you? it could’ve gone so different if we had talked on the phone that day. i’m serious. all i ever wanted was an apology, and now you’re just doubling down and i don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with this, and i don’t think you do either. maybe thats presumptuous of me to say but who wants/needs this much unnecessary drama in their 20s.
jesus this is long. a part of me hopes you do read this, and a part of me doesn’t even want to post it. i want this to all just stop but it’s hard, you know? you were in my life for 2 years (more than that if you count twitter, but i know you didn’t like me then. and don’t try to lie, because i’ve know this for a long time and still grew our friendship bc i thought things were different. they apparently weren’t) and unfortunately doing stuff does remind me of you. re5, overwatch, dbd... it sucks. but i’m happier knowing the truth and spending everyday with the girl i love and the friends i love. i’m sorry you’re not apart of that anymore. i never could’ve foreseen this being how our friendship would’ve ended bc i never WANTED that to happen. but it did. so now we all have to deal with that, okay?
don’t check my twitter if you’ve been doing that. i haven’t been checking your socials and i’ve tried ignoring screenshots that are sent but this one... i couldn’t. i had to say something and it ended up being this essay lmao. sorry to whatever poor soul reads this, i hope it doesn’t waste your time too bad.
goodbye julie.
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loulicate-recs · 1 year
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Hello love! It's December 6th and I hope you had a great day. If not, I'm sending you all the kisses and hugs you need. I'm glad to see you back! I was scared you were feeling poorly, but I'm glad it was only a technical issue. Still sorry Tumblr inconvenienced you in such a way!
That's amazing you might be able to leave Malaysia, if you don't like it there. Where do you dream of going, if I may ask? I hope your wish comes true one day and that you'll be happier then :>
I don't really know what to say to answer your question, because I'm not quite sure what you mean by being busy hdjdjs I am a uni student with about 18 hours of classes so that's not a lot but I happen to have quite the work load in relation to these classes so that keeps me moving for sure but I'm not busy as in making many plans, going out a lot, etc... I am a little bit of a couch potato 🥔 mainly because I am lazy but also because I very much enjoy moments spent my own company (except when I feel like crap that sucks them). Did I answer this correctly? And are you comfortable with me swearing? These messages make me realize I swear like a sailor so I'm trying to censor myself djdjdk
I agree with you, day dreaming and making up scenarios is an amazing way to relax and take your mind off things! I have read your fic and I didn't know taking a stroll was part of the creative process. Could you tell me more about it? I'm so curious, especially as a fervent reader of yours hihi :>
And I agree with you sooo much! I'm quite ashamed bout the fact I love reading so much but pretty much only read fics because that is why I find myself enjoying at the moment. I never dare telling people I like reading to begin with for that reason! To me, it's the best way to chill and I love feeling things because of fics, the happiness, the fondness but also the anguish and second hand embarrassment. We don't thank authors enough (you included) for bringing us all of this content for free! This makes me want to ask even more questions :> What are your favourite tropes? Is there any type of fics you don't like to read (canon, historical...)? Tell me if you want to!!
I also absolutely want to mention that I'm in love with yesterday's pics of Lou, I want to kiss his eyelids and the apple of his cheeks!!
Thank you for your time and take care, you’re so important and deservr the world <3
xx
hey secret santa! before i forgot, you can actually call me hanis if you want. i’ve been wanting to tell you this since day 1 but kept forgetting 😭 also thank you! today was better, i laughed a lot over random stuff. and i hope yours has been treating you greatly!
i wish to go somewhere cold but not too cold! maybe somewhere like the countryside of england because all the pictures i’ve seen from there have never failed to perfectly capture my dream place. i would do anything to just be there at least just for a minute 😢🤍 what about you? do you have any place that you really really would like to visit?
oh you’re a uni student so of course you’re busy, we both are! 😕 like we deserve all the rest in the world… and i get you! i prefer to stay in most of the time, even when i have no tons of assignments to finish. i would rather be in the comfort of my bedroom while reading fics. but i don’t *hate* going out too despite not doing that pretty often. my irls just have to let me know at least 2-3 days prior our outing day so i can *mentally and physically* prepare myself. and of course i don’t mind my love curse words just blend perfectly within our everyday sentences in my fucking eyes mwah
omg you’ve read my fics thank you so much! i really appreciate it <3 hope they didn’t disappoint you that much! hm, i’m not sure if you’ve read my fairy louis fic or not but if you did, the blue little bee character (fairy louis’ animal bestie) was inspired by a real blue bee i saw sucking honey on a bush during one of my evening walks! that’s a first, also when i’m lucky, the path that i usually use has this array of growing wild flowers and the end of the path brings you to a direct view of the sunset! the beautiful scenery is what inspires me to write descriptive sentences in my fics. and since i walk alone and all the flow of thoughts that run across my mind (including non fics related) has never been interrupted by anyone, i learn how to write a person’s point of view. as in, how louis/harry perceives things that they see/feel/touch. idk if this makes sense, but yeah 🫡
and waaa you’re such a sweet person! fics really do make us feel things more profoundly, furthermore when we really know the characters in the fics. i never dare telling people about my interest in fics too, i did that once with a classmate who claimed that she loved to read so i thought i could trust her as readers i knew were usually really open minded. but she just straight up said “i actually judge those who read fanfics” and well i tried to cover my emotions (thank god i’m a theatre kid) but god that shattered my heart i swear ☹️ ever since then i never talked about fanfics anymore even to those who i really really trust more than that girl. anyway, sad story’s over! thank you for your nice words 🥺💞 i honestly really love historical, fantasy, royal a/b/o or folklore adaptation! they’re my favs 🫶 but i also do i enjoy some contemporary tropes, exes to lovers, best friends to lovers, mommy louis (god!) and my newly discovered favourite trope: when h is mean at first and louis is the sweetest boy to the point i would justify anything that he did! it’s because they’d have so many fluff and i’m the biggest most miserable sucker for fluff 😢💓 i wouldn’t say i dislike canon/ famous-non famous/ 1d fics but my attention has never been pulled to those 3 tropes i guess, what about you oh my god i need to know!
YOU GET ME. louis was so so. TOO pretty yesterday, the day before that and today too 🥹 secret santa i am so in love with him like every time i see his pics i want to chew something aggressively he’s just too perfect 😣💞 and not just that, he is too sweet too kind too nice to the fans too, it breaks me to think about his broken arm :( baby is such a sweetheart for still doing all the signings, like i’m sure the fans would understand his pain but still! he’s such an angel ☹️ would literally give up everything for him… i need to stop myself from ranting about how i love him so much i swear i’m already tearing up just thinking about him he’s always been my number 1 in everything since YEARS ago <3 i’m even majoring in english because of him like everything i do i always have him in mind it’s so so. unhealthy but i would d word for him anyway so? okay i’ll stop ✋
YOU are important and so so loved, i love u ❤️
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harryhandstan · 2 years
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HI HI HI :D IVE MISSED YOU!!!
i took a break from this app, thats why i was gone for a while! i feel sooo much better cause it’s summer and i dont have to stress about school!!!
so many things happened these past few months like i got tickets to see harry!!! and i FINALLY got my drivers license. i failed the first test but its whatever. i also got a job at a fast food place and it is difficult 😣 but my coworkers and managers are super friendly!!! im also moving out my old place and moving in to a newer and nicer home! which im super excited about cause it feels like a fresh start and i get to decorate it however i want!!
WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT HARRYS HOUSE!! what do u think about the album?? what are your top 3 songs? i think its one of my fave albums of all time and i literally listen to it everyday day
anywayyyy… how are you??? anything new and exciting going on?? i missed you sosososo much!!
-🧸
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BESTIE OMG HI 👋🏻 that’s always okay bub!! you’ll always be welcomed back 💕 I’m glad you’re getting a break from school!
oh my goodness SO many exciting things I’m so proud!!! HARRY again what show?? take me with you pleaseeeee 😊 that’s wonderful that everyone at your new job are being so lovely to you it’s what you truly deserve 😁 and the new place that makes my heart so happy for you! good luck with all the decorating that sounds so fun!
I’m OBSESSED with Harry’s House it’s pretty much all I’ve listened to since it came out!! I love every single one so I don’t know that I could ever pick a top 3 but 3 faves are daylight, music for a sushi restaurant, and keep driving. I have to agree I think it’s amazing and I just know it’s gonna get me through so much like the other two albums have!
ahh I’m trying but I haven’t been doing that great 🫤 just a lot going on mentally and I need to find a job and a new living situation but I haven’t had much luck with either! my Nanna’s cancer came back too and she had to have surgery last week so I’ve been worried about her as well 😔 her recovery is going great though, much better than expected!
my birthday was last week and I had a really nice day despite everything going on! my birthday is normally a sad day for me now that I’m getting older, but everyone made me feel so special that day (including complete strangers) and I got so many lovely treats and felt so celebrated 🥹 then this week I’ve been on a lil staycation helping my little sister and her bestie house sit for someone so that’s been fun! I go back home later today I don’t want to 🙁 but it will be good to be home with my dogs and sleep in my own bed again!
I love and miss you so much it’s always wonderful to hear from you! I think of you sometimes and am always wishing you well ✨ thank you for checking in, you lift my spirits so much you don’t even know how much ❤️ please take care of yourself as best you can my love come back anytime!!
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trxpinrxxlxty · 2 years
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Well hello there,
Wow, where do I start? Just gonna leave it here, well it’s been a month since the break up, here’s a post to it.
Day by day, tears streamed down the cheeks. Tried going out but oh boy, emotions were going haywire, rollercoaster ride. One moment I was happy and the next…. Bam! a sudden breeze of quietness, thoughts went through a series of it all.
Mental health? Heard of it? Didn’t knew I was experiencing it at that point of time. Hands were shaking, body went into earthquakes, heart? Well it felt like a knife pierced through.
Did I delete everything? No. I hide it somewhere. Why? I did it on purpose, so that one day when I look back, I will smile and be grateful for all the past memories. As days goes by, I don’t have anyone to talk to about my day. Despite the suicidal thoughts, sadness, sorrows, pain, you named it. I kept telling myself to be grateful that we were once a part of a chapter in life.
Guess what? Happened to come across a picture of the guy that she’s with, they look so good together! He met her parents to celebrate her brother’s birthday. That’s good! well I didn’t get to experience it, never nor ever but hey! glad that she’s happy with her new found partner!
What’s next? Well, I myself is still unsure about it. I’m too afraid for the next, all the “what ifs” and “I should have” comes into mind, I will try to open my heart up but I don’t know if I can.
It comes to a point where your heart wants to cry but your mind telling you not to, it’s an everyday struggle and the only opponent that I’m facing is just myself.
Staring blankly at walls during day and nights, I tried my very best not to think about it. For sure I know I will overcome this but it saddens me that it will stick to me till the end. well, looking back at it, I am truly grateful for the past moments.
Well, I guess I’ll blog next month or so? Just to let it out here.
To those who read this, take good care of yourself and talk to someone if it makes you better!
Until then,
the guy who’s just the bare minimum of everything.
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