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rainninpain · 1 year

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My boyfriend of four years cheated on me and thr only reason I ever found out was because he paid this female for sex it was a regular thing between them for several years before he met me. Ive been struggling for awhile with my mental health and was actually in the hospital when he fucked this bitch. He didn't pay her all of what he owed so she messaged me to tell me what they did and to tell me her youngest kid was his.

Before the revelation of cheating came about I handed him my phone one night so he could look something up, I was grooming my dog. He not only looked up what we needed he went to my texts messages and looked for messages between another ex bf and a former fiance. There were inappropriate messages from them talking about sex but there was never any acting on it as opposed to be actually physically got with this chick.

Anyhow for months and months he tried to find more and more ways to make me that bad guy when he crossed the physical line. I never denied those texts were inappropriate in a relationship, but he found ways to continuously find ways to read my emails and messages. First i locked the phone, than my tablet, than my car from when my phone was on blue tooth and than finally my smart watch.

I had been sexually assaulted and he didnt seem to care he pressured me more and more about how we werent habing sex and he needed intimacy and blah blah. He brought this shit up over and over for two years. I asked him repeatedly to table the conversation about our sex life and intimacy but he wouldnt.

Two weeks ago I called him out on the fact that he rarely listened to me when talking to him about anything. He didn't say anything. I asked him how often he was talking to the chick he fucked he said rarely. I already knew that was a lie but wanted him to be honest and he wasn't. Than i saw she was coming to town to visit whatever family she has here and i asked him and he lied again. He than got pissed off at me for telling him she couldnt come in our home nor was i going to allow him to take our vehicle to go see her and/or give her a ride. He laughed and called me dumb.

I asked what normal woman would be ok with their partner talking too and hanging out with the woman they cheated with?! He said probably none.

A week goes buy and I am no longer able to fight with him.about this but asked why he can't just be honest. The next night he sends me a text message, couldnt even tell me in person that he isnt in love with me and hasnt been and all this other fucked up shit. We just bought a $500,000 home and hes planning to move out and take the only car we have and leave me fucked. Tonight he tells me his pos alcoholic former bestfriend got his army disability money and he will be leaving even sooner cus the friend owes him $10,000. I asked if he told Josh we aren't together and he says yeah and wtf does it matter since Josh and I dont even speak anymore. I had to deal with Josh's shit for almost 2 years because of my bf. Josh is an alcoholic and caused so many issues.

This is not the first time Justin hurt me i nearly died in 2017 because of him and a friend bullying me. I NEVER should have trusted him again but I have bpd and didn't want to be alone and he promised he would never hurt me again and yet thats all he has done. My dad died 4 May 2021 and my mom 19 April 2022. So i have had nothing but fucked up shit for awhile now. Which is why my mind goes to the darkest and impulsive places. I hate life more and more everyday. My mom was my bestfriend and we were there for eachother and never abandoned. Now not only she is gone but my dad to and I am alone in this world because I trusted someone I shouldn't have. A pos like him. I should have known better....here i am alone in an expensive house with tons of pets a place I thought i would be happy because we bought it and got this specifically for my mom becauae it is handicap accessible but she died two months after moving in.

I truly no longer care about anyone and anything. The more I allow myself to feel things the more pain I end up in. I just want it all to stop. SI is on my mind constantly. The method I'd use so it would guarantee no coming back. The other times I called my doctor and she called 911.

I'm a fucking idiot and an absolute failure at everything. I can't even work because my mental health. I quit working after my first suicide attempt on 7 February 2016. That attempt was the worst of all and I wasn't expected to make it. Why I did I have no clue. I guess I was a puece of shit person in another life and this is KARMA or maybe its just karma for all the shit ive done my entire life.

I always want to help people and everything I ever did that was good never happened in other peoples eyes. I am the villain. I sacrificed half my life to take care of my addict sisters kids and yet my plder sister who actually did the fucked up shit before and after the kids mom died gets all the credit for everything I did. Thats an entire other situation but it all culminates to now and what I am dealing with. I don't know or understand why everyone hates me, why they abandon me, why the hurt me, what is wrong with me?!? I don't belong on this Earth. All I have is constant unbearable pain from loss, grief, depression, anxiety, sadness, trauma, ptsd, bpd, bipolar. What is the point in continuing to live this miserable life?! No one misses me. No one even talked to me at my mothers funeral.not even the other siblings!

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girlofprey7 · 3 years

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Why Apritello works/doesn’t work:

a short analysis and essay about April and Donatello’s overall dynamic and development in the 2012 show.

Apritello as a pairing is a pretty damn controversial topic in the TMNT 2012 fandom, and with good reason. Some fans may dislike or be against April because of her apparent rudeness or ungrateful nature towards everyone’s favourite brainy turtle, and Donatello may be thrown under the bus for his questionable and quote on quote ‘creepy’ behaviour towards April in the earlier seasons. Because of these observations, it has lead many fans to believe that relationship is unhealthy, toxic, and even going as far to call it emotionally abusive.

Today, we’re going to be looking at WHY fans may come to that conclusion, while also trying to look at the positive and promising sides of their relationship, in order to work out if their relationship works or not. We’ll be going through the moments where both sides have shown signs of toxicity, as well as signs of respect, trust, and love.

Also I just wanna say that this is my personal opinion, and though I am trying to fully consider all points from both sides of the argument, if you don’t agree with my overall thoughts, that’s perfectly fine. Just please keep your anti posts out of the Apritello tag where us fans can’t see them.

First we’ll be starting off With the Crusher himself, Donatello.

Let’s look at his examples of his toxic behaviour first:

He did follow her around New York in Target:April O’Neil. I may love Donnie, but I’m not going to deny that this decision was wrong, nor am I going to make excuses for him. He should have given April time to come to terms with herself, instead of following her and pushing her further over the edge. This was not a good thing to do, and while I wouldnt call it whole heartedly toxic, it was highly disrespectful of April’s space.

He tried to close up on her face when he was watching her with Metal head on the roof top. This is also highly disrespectful of April’s space, and could also be considered quote on quote ‘creepy’. There’s not much to say about this scene since it was pretty short, but all I can say is that he didn’t attempt to do it again after April called him out, though it still wasn’t respectful of him to do.

He got really jealous whenever April got remotely close to Casey, or when Casey got close to April. This is only in season 2 and maybe early 3 as far as I can see, but Donnie really didn’t do well whenever Casey was around April. He tried to pull them apart aggressively from hugging in Chinatown ghost story, and would constantly childishly fight and bicker with him for April’s attention. This is definitely an example of possessive nature, but I wouldn’t call it controlling nature as well, as he never outright insulted her or judged her for hanging out with Casey, he just bickered and fought with him.

Ok, so currently that’s all the So called toxic behaviour I can think of that was in the show, but maybe I’ll be able to find more examples that people use once I watch more of the series again.

Now, let’s move on to April’s purely Toxic behaviour in the relationship:

She stopped any chances of Donnie communicating his feelings or their relationship to him. The main example being in the invasion when she silenced his confession, while nervously saying that it just makes things hurt more. While her motivation behind this behaviour is still up for debate, I won’t deny that she should have tried to listen to what he had to say first, as well as try to communicate her own emotions better with him too. This is an example of miscommunication, and bad communication between a pair.

She would often get annoyed at him when he tried to help her or protect her, like in the Kraang conspiracy when he told he he’d protect her in the fight, and she responded with, ‘protect yourself,’ in a frustrated tone. She could have told Donnie that she didn’t need his help and that she could take care of herself politely, but she made a bad choice with her words and tone. This is an example of lashing out, without thinking of the partners feelings first. But this not completely count as emotional abuse.

She yelled at him, blaming him for losing her Crystal in Bats in the Belfry. This WAS partially caused by the fact the Crystal was controlling part of her emotions and actions, but it was still a hurtful thing to do to Donnie, who was trying to be patient with her throughout. This is an example of ungratefulness towards your partner, as well as lashing out and not considering their feelings first. Again, this is a bad thing to do either way, but I’ll have to look at her other instances in order to determine whether it’s truly emotional abuse.

(I don’t know whether her not actually outright telling either Casey or Donnie how she felt should be considered totally toxic behaviour or not, so I’m just gonna leave it as a half point for her lack of responsibility with the triangle.)

She doesn’t always appreciate him, or show her appreciation when he does something nice for her. This may be connected to number 2, in which when he would attempt to protect her or help her with something, she would sometimes respond in a stubborn and annoyed manner, not being fully appreciative of his help.

Ok, so again, this is all the so called toxic behaviour that fans usually seem to bring up while talking about The relationship, but this is also all the instances I remember her displaying in the series, but if I think of any more examples that people use I’ll add them.

(Also the claim that she may have been making mixed messages is connected to number one if you were wondering.)

Now before we move on, I just want to say something real quick. I love Apritello. Yeah it’s got it’s flaws, but I mostly blame the writers for that, and not the actual characters themselves. Hell, even with the problems I think it was pretty well written for an action show overall.

Also, I’m not trying to decipher which one of the pair had the most toxic behaviour, or who was the problem in their relationship, since both April AND Donnie have done things that I don’t agree with. I’m just trying to figure out whether the good on both sides, outweighs the bad on both sides.

So now, we’ll be looking at the pairs examples of respect/support/love/and trust.

Starting with Donnie:

When he comforted April when she was infected with the gas in Fungus Humungous, he never tried to take advantage of her fearful state, and instead just wanted to make sure she was Ok. This is an example of respect and support towards a partner, and not attempting to further your chances of being with them. Though Donnie still has his undeniable love for her (yes and at this point I’m pretty sure it passed crush territory), he is still able to treat her as a friend and comfort her without the motivation of getting with her.

When he followed April in mutagen man, though it was undeniably a bad thing to do, when April chewed him out for it and said without hesitation, ‘I never want to see you again,’ he felt guilty and remorse for it, and stopped doing it after that. He didn’t follow her again, knowing she needed space after the incident with her dad. This is what separates him from being a stalker. A true stalker would know what they’re doing is wrong, feel absolutely no remorse or guilt for it, and continue doing it even when he is told to stop. Donnie felt guilty and bad about it, even though he didn’t necessarily know what he was doing could be considered wrong, and stopped doing it. This is why he isn’t a stalker, and also shows his respect for April’s space and feelings.

When he gave April a music box in A foot too big, (yeah you knew I was gonna talk about this episode eventually) she acted uncomfortable with his forward ness, as well as the fact that he said nothing the whole time and the box was another obvious ploy to start something between them, showed by the picture of him inside, as well as the heart on the front. After living with big foot, he realised his actions were uncomfortable to her, once again felt guilty and remorse for it, and apologised to her at the end of the episode. He respected what she felt, and was willing to sacrifice his happiness for her. He stopped his behaviour after that and became more chilled and subtle with his crush. Sure he still bickers with Casey like the episode after, but I think that’s just their dynamic/relationship more than it is them fighting for April. My point is, he improved as a person because of HER.

He trusts April to make her own choices and shape her own path and goals in life. An abusive or toxic partner wouldn’t approve of your goals or chosen path, and would instead attempt to steer you away from them in order to change who you are. Donnie however supported April on becoming a kunoiche, and becoming a capable fighter like him and his brothers. He wasn’t at all threatened by her improved growth or skill, nor did he feel the need to put her down or make her weaker just to make himself feel more important. Hell, he even laughed with pure happiness when she took out Tigerclaw with that badass kick, showing that he loves what she’s become, and loves the path she’s made for herself.

He always allows HER to make the moves of affection, and never forcibly kisses her or hugs her without knowing she’s ok with it first. Again, this shows he respects her personal space as well as her wants in the relationship.

He knows when she’s gone too far, and though he does call her out on it, he still does it respectfully. Like the arc with the Aeon crystal and was acting out. He knew the Crystal was making her act that way, and wanted to help her overcome it instead of pretending that it wasn’t a problem. I have more to say on this particular point later, but I’ll wait till I find more prominent examples.

In the Gauntlet, when she broke down after her dad got captured for (I think) the second time, when she went to him for comfort, he comforted her and promised her that they’d get him back. Just like with the first example, he wasn’t trying to take advantage of her state to get with her or anything, he just wanted to be there for her, and make sure she was ok. Not as a romantic, but a friend.

He helped calm her down when she was mad at Shinigami after being beaten, telling her to not let her get to her, therefore calming her down. This is a sign of support of the others feelings and trying to make them feel better.

(This is more of a good thing on both sides as well as just something I find funny and endearing) they both bicker with one another in a banter sort of way. Remember the ‘bait doesn’t talk back’ and the ‘real kunoiche on our side?’ . He may be crushing on her, but that still doesn’t mean he’s not gonna blurt sassy facts at her and bicker with her. He still aknowledges that she has flaws, but as we’ve constantly seen, he still loves her flaws and all.

He apologised and took responsibility for his mistake with the transmitter at the end of eyes of the chimera, trying to make April feel better by even bringing her a hot beverage after the fiasco. This is a sign of looking out for the other and owning up to your mistake that may have hurt them.

Now let’s move onto April:

She apologised to Donnie personally for holding the grudge, and thanked him for sticking by her even when she was mad at him. She wasn’t thanking him for following her or anything like people may think, just thanking him for still being patient and kind with her. Also, while she was holding the grudge, she remembered what he had told her in Target, ‘some things are just beyond our control’. Which may have had a partial role in helping her come to her senses again.

She ALWAYS calls Donnie whenever she’s in trouble or in danger. I’ve seen this labelled off as codependency or her taking advantage of his feelings, but I see it much differently. In my opinion, this shows how much trust she has in him to save her, and help her whenever she needs it.

It was her memories of Donnie that helped her break the control of the Crystal. Donnie unconsciously motivated her be strong enough to defeat Za Naron and break her corruption. She broke through it, and became better, because of him.

She tried her best to get through to him TWICE in the Dream beavers episode. She was gentle and careful with him all the while (well apart from when she was slapping him to wake up, but that was when she was desperate). She was almost always seen by his side, and was close to panicking when he stopped breathing. And as soon as she found out he was Ok, she kissed him. Not for gratitude, not because she needed to make him feel better, but because she was happy he was ok.

When Donnie got injured in Monkey Brains, she told the guys off for teasing him, and was the only one to help nurse him back to health, being gentle and kind with him throughout.

She calls him out on his behaviour when she knows he’s doing something wrong. A lot of people see it as a bad thing when she tells him off for his poor decisions and behaviour, but I see it as a thing their relationship needs. A toxic relationship would most likely have both partnered not aknowledging the bad things that either one has done, and pretending it didn’t happen, or just be uncertain with telling them off. April doesn’t do this with Donnie. She aknowledges when he’s doing something bad, and call him out for it. In Target, she did t sugar coat it or stay silent about Donnie following her. She told him that he was doing something wrong, regardless of his intentions, and that he had to stop and respect that she needed to be alone right now. And like I said, he backed off and never did it again. And again, he improved, because of her.

She got mad at Casey for laughing at Donnie when he was stung badly on Dreggs planet, and was the one to help him back to the ship to be healed. When she knew he was ok, she kissed him again like in In Dreams, simply because she was happy he was Ok.

In Of rats and men, when Donnie told her that they had this covered, she responded with, ‘you always do,’ while smiling warmly, and with him smiling back. Romantic or not, this again shows the amount of respect and trust they have for each other. April instead of insisting she help or stubbornly barge back in, simply showed a sign of trust with him, knowing that had faith in him, and his brothers. This scene alone just shows the trust they have in their friendship, romantic or not, and that’s one of the things that makes them work in my opinion.

In the end of eyes of the Chimera, when Donnie apologised to April for using the transmitter on her, she wasn’t upset with him at at all. She’s said she was glad that Donnie used the transmitter on her because it allowed her to access her powers and learn to use them more. She tried to see Donnies mistake in a positive light, and appreciated him for his help nevertheless. This is an example of appreciation towards a partner, and aknowledging that their intentions are good and seeing them in a positive light instead of being disappointed with them.

For my final words, I just want to put in what the most common definition of an abusive/toxic relationship is.

In my definition, it is any relationship between people who don’t support eachother, where there’s constant conflict, and one often seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition and disrespect, and most importantly, degrade and become worse as people just by being with one another.

And as far as I can see within the examples I’ve listed, both Donnie and April support each other throughout everything bad that happens to them, any conflicts that befall them they manage to get through, and have never purposely sought to undermine or hurt the other.

I want you to look at that last sentence again, and ask yourself: did April and Donnie grow as people or become better with overcoming their problems by being with one another? Because in my opinion, that’s how you really separate a toxic relationship from a good one.

So as for the question, are Donnie and April toxic or healthy?

Well, in my opinion, they DO work together, and their relationship is NOT abusive or toxic in any way shape or form. Both Donnie and April, though they had their flaws in the beginning, unconsciously and consciously helped eachother become better versions of themselves by being there for eachother throughout the series, as I have illustrated with the majority of my points.

And that my friends, is pretty damn FAR from abusive. In fact, that’s pretty much the complete OPPOSITE of abusive.

#tmnt 2012 #analysis #tmnt 2012 april #tmnt leonardo #tmnt apritello #healthy relationships #toxic relationship #reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 4 years

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Wilfords Demands: Who Do You Belong To?

Summary- 5.2 k. Curtis Everett x Y/N. Written for @mcudarklibrary Kink Challenge- April. You’ve been in Curtis care for a few weeks now. He has no hesitation in reminding you who you belong to. Warnings- Dub Con/Non Con situations, punishments treatment, drug and alcohol mentions.

Chapter One- Just Another Prisoner / Masterlist

“So Curtis, how are you liking your new girl?” Wilford asked curiously as he flicked some crumbs off his luscious red robe, frowning as he rubbed at what looked like a smudge, under his breath he complained. “Those fucking cleaners never do anything right. Useless the lot of them.” The older man chose to ignore it for now, turning back to Curtis sitting opposite of him, Claude pouring fresh tea into two delicate china mugs. “Isnt she something, as soon as I saw her on camera, I knew you would like her. Yes, shes a bit thin still, but get some meat on her, and she will have all those nice curves to keep you occupied.”

Curtis nodded his thanks to Claude and reached to take the cup, contemplating what Wilford was talking about, you were rather lovely in your innocence. All Curtis had to still do was look at you a certain way, and your cheeks would turn pink and your glance would look away from him, sometimes a tiny whine would issue, making him grin. “Im liking her quite fine. She was an innocent you know? I was surprised.” Wilford winked over his cup while he added generous amounts of honey comb to his cup, swirling his cup a bit before taking a sip.

“I had hoped she would be, How the fuck I know, pretty little thing like that. I am a bit disappointed she isnt pregnant yet though, but in due time I know. I just get impatient.”

Curtis kinda shrugged a bit, he never really cared what Wilford did with the kids they made him, but this time it kinda rubbed him the wrong way. He didnt seem to pick up on it, or chose to ignore it, falling into another subject that Wilford used them for. Entertainment for the front enders for a couple months a year, a sport.

“Also, its about time for the games, and Im putting my goods on you Curtis, Do not disappoint. Once you get in that ring, murder the sons of bitches.” The true purpose of the games, weed out the weak. So far only three of the original group still survived, Curtis was one of them for his brutal approach to all of it. He was a survivalist first, and had no issue getting blood all over in the process.

“Yes I know, trust me, I dont want my ass fucking dead.” Curtis growled out and grew impatient, ready to get back to you. “We done shooting the shit Wilford, or you ready for this months supplies?”

“God your always so fucking impatient to leave my company.” Wilford rolled his eyes and sighed as if hurt, Curtis just stared at him waiting for him to get on with it. “Okay, my boy... let me know what you want.”

Curtis wasted no time, filling out his demands and leaving straight afterwards. There was only so much time he could stand being in that mans presence. His spirit uplifted a bit knowing he would be seeing you again. You were still quiet in his presence, trying to remain unnoticed, but he was always aware of your presence unlike any other woman he had ever been with. Sometimes he would draw out conversation from you. But your answers were usually short, clipped, or you shrugged not knowing how to answer. Seeing how you lived in the tail end all your life, there was simply things you didnt know about. That was okay, you would learn about these things soon enough.

Opening the door and stepping in, you were curled in the seat near the window, a book resting on your knee and gaze out the window watching the speeding landscape. You jumped slightly when Curtis entered and pulled your legs up nervously to watch him. Always so observant his girl was. "You havent seem to gotten to far while I was gone." nearby he sat down some bags of stuff he brought back with him, the items he had asked for from Wilford.

Your fingers trail down the spine and you slide it to the table, shaking you head softly. "Cant concentrate Curtis." Wary was how you were of this man, who stalked around his room till he moved to sit on the edge of the bed nearby. "Hmmm, do you not like it?" How brow arched and a your voice rose in a rush, as you clutched at the book. "No no, t-thank you... Its not that." You didnt want to loose a gift he brought you. Already reading through the few he had, you had gotten bored being unable to leave the small room. Curtis had requested a book for you with Wilford, and as you were finding out, Wilford accommodated Curtis requests typically.

"I was tested again, and still negative... " your voice dropped, admitting to your distraction. At first the news would cause Curtis to curse, drag you back to bed to try again.

So your head dropped, waiting to be yanked onto the mattress, but these past few weeks, he changed. Sometimes your news didn't cause any reaction, he would leave you to what you were doing. You trembled a bit, waiting to see what today would bring.

Curtis isnt sure when it changed for him, that he actually liked this one, it was something more then what was required of him, having any interest in his charge. You, a little tail ender was so innocent in to what he did to you, that he found it endearing. Her little surprised mewls when he taught you some new sense gave him satisfaction. He patted his knee. “Come over here Y/N”

The tension raised between the two of you when you hesitated, curling your hands together and your face wanted to defy him, he could see the flash in your eyes and the way your breathing flared your nose. Curtis arched a brow daring you to tell him no. Oh would you? He almost wanted you to, that primal part of him loved overpowering you beneath him. You were so defeated when he first got his hands on you, but he felt that you had a bit of fire somewhere still, it just needed to be ignited.

After a few seconds though you went back to your resigned manner and unfolded your legs approaching him, moving to stand in between his spread thighs. “Dont worry about the negative, it doesnt always happen right away.” His fingers snapped at your pants buttons and slid them down with a jerk, your hand bracing against his shoulder to keep from loosing balance and lifting your feet to loose your pants. He pushed your shirt up. “Get rid of all this to.”

Lifting your shirt and tossing it aside, that deep blush he admired so much spread down from your face and neck, flaring over your collarbone. His mouth smirked until he lashed his tongue over a nipple, teasing the other with pinching fingertips. “But how long till they get impatient Curtis?” you took a shuddering breath feeling the warmth of his mouth tease you to a peak, rubbing your thighs together as heat pooled faster then you expect it to in your core. “Im ready to be done and go back home.” He growled at this, biting enough for you to yelp, and try to pull away but his legs have you trapped in between them.

“What makes you think your going back Y/N?” He growled deeply, whipping you around, and pulling you back into his lap with one muscled forearm circled around your waist. “I already told you, you were given to me to use.” your hands were grasping his forearm pressed around your midsection, and you whine softly at his words. “But once Im pregnant you wont want me in your space, why wouldnt they send me back till birth?”

“Cause, Im keeping you. Open your mouth.” He demanded and grabbed a hold of your jaw, forcing your mouth to open, his other arm loosened around your waist and moved two fingers to your mouth.“suck, get them good and wet Y/N” his fingers pressed against your tongue and you immediately started to suck on his digits. doing your best to do as he asked. “As I told you a few weeks ago, your issued to me for at least the next few years.” Shifting his legs to hook yours over his knees and spread his legs so your thighs spread apart wide for him, the rush of cooler air hitting your aroused flesh made you moan around his fingers pressing against your tongue. “Your here till your used up or Im tired of you.” His voice, was so final as he yanked his fingers out from your mouth, tracing your bottom lip with one of the drenched fingers. “And then your still not going back there Honey. He wont let you go back home”

Before you could fully register what Curtis was telling you, he dropped his hand to your cunt, his fingers warm and wet from how you worked them traced your pussy lips, soft under his fingertips, his biting kiss on your neck was a stark contrast, making you attempt to pull away, but he once more clamped his arm around your waist to keep you in place, his long middle digit dipping in between the folds, tease your sensitive flesh. “N-never? even if I was useless to have children?”

“No, never. Have you ever seen anyone return to the tail end? Your not an exception. Trust me... You could be in a worst place then with me.” Continuing to rub your cunt, circling your aroused bud but never quite touching when he would return to stroking and teasing her entrance with slight dips of his fingers, collecting your arousal to spread. “I am not the only man who does this, and plenty are cruel to there partners.” It was getting harder to focus on Curtis as he started finally touching where you ached, his arm tightening when you would arch and let your head fall back to his shoulder. Pressing his lips to your temple. “Curtis... Its,,,”

“Feels good right? Most the time it will if Im doing my job right,” Assuring as he let two fingers fill your wet heated entrance, making you open your thighs wider, his own adjusting to help you keep them spread. You were panting, rocking your hips to meet his thrusting digits. If you werent so caught up in the moment, you would have been embarrassed of the squelching sound your wet cunt was making the faster he pumped his fingers. Your walls started to clench around him, and that little firey coil started to tighten in your lower belly.

“M-most of the time?” You managed to utter, and Curtis chuckled while biting lightly on your earlobe. “Well your a temptation, this tight little body.” His fingers hooked when he said that, come along with me baby. He would stroke your walls to comply with his wishes, fighting against his hold, and you were crying out when you pushed back into his chest, locking and shaking, flooding his hand. “Wouldnt be hard for me to loose control and just fuck you into the mattress”

Your thighs are trying pushing to close, aching from being stretched open, and fighting through your orgasm. He shoved you forward slightly to undo his pants, and you lean forward to brace your hands against your knees, your head dipping forward to catch your breath. It wasnt long you felt his cock pressing against your back. God you fucking hope he never lost control with you, You could barely handle him now, and everything he did was measured calculated. Curtis did nothing without giving it some thought, you knew this.

Hands at your hips, lifted your ass enough so he could fit himself into your core, and eased you back, slowly so he inched in, making you stretch around him but it still made you hold your breath till you were full of him, every movement you made, made you groan, his thrusts were quick upward angled jabs, pressing deeper and you still braced your hands while arching your breasts forward, this angle was so fucking full, concentrating was impossible. There was just rushed thrusts and grinding your hips back down.

Somewhere it registered his cussing against your neck, as his thrusts pressed forward longer in your clenching pussy. “Fuck your so good, just gonna fill you till your dripping with cum.” He grunted against the back of your neck, his fingers digging into your hips and started to move you faster, bouncing you, and you just rode it till he roared and warm jets of his cum started to fill you. Your channel flexed around his cock, milking him for the last of it, and you collapse back against him, covering your face with your hands and giving a soft sob from your second orgasm within a short time.

Pulling himself from him, he swiped his fingers through your cunt and scooped his cum back into you, making you quiver slightly at the sensation. Curtis gave a possessive nip to your neck, and shifted your legs back to a close. Fuck the muscles ached, all you wanted to do was lay down, the muscles in your thighs screaming with a burn. Curtis tapped your thigh to stand. “Dont be letting that run down your leg Y/N,” You nod and go to stand, your legs shaking enough to look like you might wipe out, Curtis hands shot out and grasped your hips to draw you back and sit on the bed. “Probably need a moment to get your legs back.”

Tucking himself back in his pants, he let you claim the bed and went to where he had ditched the bags he brought back from Wilfords. You dragged a blanket over your naked body and watched with curiosity as he pulled out some clothing for you, nicer then the stuff youve been wearing. “Whats that for?” you asked curiously.

Curtis brought the skirt and top over to let you inspect them. “They are for you. There is a entertainment car, and I figured your ready to meet others. I trust you to remember who you belong to” Your eyes brightened at the idea of seeing others, even if they were front enders. “Hows your legs? If you can stand, were going in half an hour.” He took the rest of the bag and turning his back to you, stored away a few books Wilford gave him, a treat for you later if you got to bored and deserved them. Curtis hoped there would come a time where you wanted to please him, not had to please him.

While he was doing this, you tested yourself, and gathered the clothing to your bare chest. “they are fine... I will go get ready Curtis.” You escaped quickly into the bathroom, easing the door mostly closed. You rubbed your face in the soft long sleeve, it was the softest thing you could remember feeling and when you tugged the clothing on, braiding your hair to sweep straight down your back well past your waist, you couldnt remember feeling this way, like you were being showed off,and you kind of liked it. Stepping out, your clear your throat a bit and Curtis looks up from where he had been reading the spot you left in your books.

Fuck you look good. Curtis nods his approval, and you nervously pick at the shirt, biting back a grin in your excitement. A warm rush tingles Curtis seeing you so damn happy for the first time since he brought you back a book, and unlocking the door, he held it open for you, beckoning you to step out. Going to step out the door, your hand braced on the door frame as you peeked out, it was empty, which your heart sunk a little and with a gentle ease of Curtis’s hand in the small of your back, you step into the wide looking hallway. He slung his arm around your waist, a steady hold on your hip and in the belt loops of your pants, he led you towards the front, the way you were dragged down to his room. “Now you stay with me Y/N unless I tell you otherwise, understand? Your free to talk to people that are in this car, but remember your place. You are mine, if I find out you are disrespecting what we have going on, or me, you wont like the consequences.”

“Yes Curtis” you reply, feeling your mouth go dry with nerves and anticipation, would you know anyone there? You hoped so, you were desperate to find out how your friends were in the tail end. You two reached a gate, and your bouncing a bit at his side, the music on the other side is thumping loud and you can see flashes of lights through the cracks. Curtis smiles a bit to himself at how obvious excited you are to get out of the room, but there are rules, and he had to be sure you knew them. Turning you to face him, he grabs your chin and makes you look at him. “Remember what I said, do you understand? do you have any questions before we go in?”

You nod probably a little harder then you should and you glance at the door once more before back up to him. “Am I allowed to ask about the tail end if I see anyone I know? That wont make you upset with me?”

Curtis thought about this for a few moments, it wouldnt hurt and you so desperately wanted to know, probably still had your hopes up about one day seeing your friends again. “You can, but dont expect to see anyone from before in there Y/N” His fist thumped against the metal door, and it popped open enough for Curtis to slide through and he took your arm, bringing you through. It wasnt quite as you remembered, but last time you came through, you were being dragged, and didnt exactly have time to admire the setting. This time you did though, and your eyes widened before you.

People, gyrating all over each other, among the flashing lights above them, it was extremely distracting and made you want to shut your eyes. First the people were laughing and dancing, then they would turn and a clash of teeth and lashing of tongues inhaled one another in open mouth kisses, moving from one person to whoever was closest. You leaned more into Curtis, not wanting to get caught up in the orgy. It was something you didnt enjoy from him, and you knew you wouldnt like it here either. With a push of his hand, Curtis broke past the group, and the car opened up to show more people dancing, some with one another, some off poles placed in what looked like a seating area, people lazing around, high from the kronoles scattered in the sunken seating booths. Curtis led you past these as well until you two were near the other side, and he directed you to sit. “Just wait here, I will be back.” A simple nod was efficient enough for him, and he went to the small bar set up.

“Kronoles, rum and coke?” The man asked Curtis while he pulled out to glass jars to pour the alcohol into.

“Just the rum and coke.” Normally Curtis would part take in the kronoles, chase that mindless high that came with it, but not this time with you accompanying him. He would come back another time without you. The rum and coke though, rare treat, doing some calculations about the occasion for the rare indulgence. Wilford had announced it was new years. Collecting the drinks, he came back to where you were half in and out of your seat, curious to your surroundings. Twisting back into your seat, your nose wrinkled as you sniffed your drink, used to only water. “What is it?”

“Try it and find out.” Was all he said, and you cautiously brought your mouth to the edge, taking a sip. It burned and was sweet at the same time, and you took another sip that stung its way down your throat. The dart of your tongue wasnt missed by Curtis, and his cock twitched at the very notion of how sweet your lips would look stretching around his shaft, your head tipped to meet him with your eyes rolling up to meet him. Fuck... It was gonna have to go on your list of necessary teachings. No it wouldnt benefit what you two were striving for, but it was a damn sweet thought, your mouth sucking him off. To cool off, he to took a bigger swallow then your sip, appreciating the burn as it went down to settle in his gut.

“what is it?” You repeated and he looked at you and swiped his thumb over your lower lip to dry it off. “Rum and Coke, we only get it once a year, usually its homemade shit or cheap ass beer thats long since gone stale. Its new years though, another year living on the train passed.”

“Oh! I never heard the announcement.” Your gaze again falls to looking around the room, and you got bolder in your drinking. Soon, your eyes were brighter then usual and there was a flush to your cheeks. Curtis watched you get caught up in it all and he finally leaned over to whisper in your ear. “You can go dance you know, just dont stray far from the table.” He knew others would pick up on your innocence right away, target you for your weakness, typically it was a game. That is until people learned that your were his, and he was never one to share.

Nervous, you hesitate a moment, and then push up to go up the stairs, and dont wander to far away, but mingle. Soon your drawn into a group of women who were just dancing, and the rush of the alcohol in your system swept you away in the motion. Curtis caught sight of you laughing and swaying your hips, deeming that you were fine. He collected your glasses to go refill them with just straight soda this time, and a pair of steel grey eyes crinkled at the corners, smirking watching Curtis, whom was unaware of the threat. About time he left his girl alone was the mans thoughts, pushing from where he been sitting with a group of friends and his own toy.

You were unaware of any change happening, until a pair of hands slid along your hips, and hot breath against your neck, a lash of the tongue over your ear, you wouldnt doubt it was anyone other then Curtis so you didnt fight it. You were his after all, and your buzzed state, you couldnt tell that this was a slightly smaller set of hands on your hips, and that the person gyrating behind you certainly wasnt as broad as Curtis. Your time in the tail end, you were used to never having personal space, you simply fell back into the person behind you, getting lost in the tempo and rush of the alcohol.

When he came back, he glanced through the crowd again as he set the drinks down, and Curtis couldnt fucking believe what the hell he was seeing. You pushing your sweet little ass of yours into Grey of all the fucking people. Quick, he snapped up to the dance floor, and your eyes sprang open to see him pushing people to crash into one another so he could get through, frightened you looked over your shoulder to see someone youve never seen in your life, and you stepped forward to meet Curtis. “Curtis! Im so-”

“Get on your fucking knees now and wait!” He roared at you and your scrambled to fall at his feet like he told you to, your eyes welling up at your mistake. Curtis stepped around where you knelt, your hands wringing together.

“Curtis, we were just having fun to.” Grey sighed with disappointment. “I had to see what the fuss was all about. I can see why Wilford got interested in her, she is cute for a cum slut.”

“What the fuck makes you think you could touch her?” Curtis crowded Grey, who didnt back up but he to crowded back, smirking in Curtis’s pissed off face.

“Wanted to see if they were as fucking easy as they come. I would have had her sucking cock in a few minutes with how she was grinding her ass into me like some horny bitch. Cant satisfy them Curtis? Why Wilford had to give you a tail ender? Not like they know any better.”

Curtis didnt even bother with that jab, it was clearly meant to push his buttons. Drawing up to his full height, Grey albeit smaller, was not at all intimidated by Curtis, and leaned in a bit closer, smirking “dont worry Curtis, when I get her, and I will cause the winner takes it all, I will teach her how to properly behave.” You were pushing to a stand to try and explain to the two men, when Curtis caught sight of you “Did I fucking tell you to stand, get back in your place.”

“But Curtis, it wasnt... “ You try once more, and he has to deal with you defying him, you gave him no choice. Ignoring Grey who watched this all with interest, he stalked forward and fists his hand in your hair, yanking you back to your knees. “What did I tell you?”

“On my knees” You twist and cry out, your hands going to your hair to try to get him to loosen his grip.

“Do I want any fucking sass coming from you?”

“n-no.” You cant help the tears that are rolling down your cheeks and the way your head bows to him.

Lowering closer to your level, his next words were so low it was hard to hear, but they held deadly promise should you not listen. “Start crawling to the door Y/N” Releasing his hold and shoving you to sprawl back.

You look at him like he cant be serious, crawl? His face though, was all serious anger storming his blue eyes and you back away from him, the crowd parting to allow you passage.

“Please Curtis...”

Nothing, no softening or taking pity on you, you do only thing that you can, and start to pull yourself away on your hands and knees, Curtis watched your heart shaped ass sway back and forth, and then turns back to Grey, whos watching with an amused look.

“Sure you dont want me to break in your little sweetheart? Ass like that good for alot of things, wouldnt be any trouble at all.”

Curtis growled lowly “Dont fucking lay a hand on her anymore, shes mine. I have no problem shoving your dick down your throat should you think shes yours to handle.”

Grey grinned at the challenge. “No, course not. Better not let her out of your sight again.” With that Grey turned back, and hoped back down into the seating area he had been occupying previously, yanking his own girl back in his lap, and slapping her thighs to spread, ready to share her with his current company. Curtis didnt waste any more time with them, and followed where she had crawled away, getting to the door, you were waiting this time, in a subdued position, on your knees, head bowed, palms up, trying not to look embarrassed or scared of it all. Made his cock twitch again, Fucking Christ, bad timing. “Get up” He yanked on your arm and hauled you to a stand. You stumbled, but did it all quietly, averting looking at him.

It was silent going back to the rooms, and you tried to keep up best you could to his long stride. The train walls kept dipping as if off kilter and you stumbled into Curtis a few times. Finally though you two reach his room again and he gets the door to open, pushing you to fly in first. You stumble and grab a hold of the wall, trying to get everything to stop spinning.

“Curtis, please I didnt know.”

He doesnt care, more pissed off then he was before at your attempt for an explanation, he drags you from your grip off the wall and over his knee. “You knew better Y/N, and yet you fucking undermined me.”

His knee is hard in your stomach, and you could feel him lifting your skirt to pool around your waist. You try to look over your shoulder but he shoves your head back to look at the wall and floor. Struggling, again a waste of your energy, hes holding you pinned over his knee with no more energy then he would give to a mild inconvenience in his day. Yanking down your panties to, he smacked your bottom hard, hard enough to jar you forward in his lap.

“Dont worry I plan on marking your ass so hard, your not going to be forgetting who you belonged to.” Curtis gives no time to adjust, its one hard spank on one of your cheeks after another, its a fire burning you now, and your crying into his leg, arching once in a while when its a particular had slap, those sharp stinging ones that you swear are going to break your skin. Curtis hand prints popped up in welts, and you sobbed for him to stop. “Pl-please Curtis, I wont do it again. I swear... I thought it was you. “ He growled and started to come to a stop. He reached to take a fistful of hair and jerk your head back so he could see you even at this angle.

“Who do you listen to?”

Sobs crack your voice. “You Curtis...”

“Thats right little one, next time be aware of who the fuck is behind you. Accident or not, if I catch it happening again, it will be worst.” He just as quickly put you in a stand, and stood up himself, gripping your chin so your tear stained face couldnt defy him and look away. “Next time it will be a leather strap and you will bleed for it. Get to bed now.” Dropping his hand and you are quick to move out of his way while he went to take a shower.

Your ass, burning hot and every step screamed red hot through you, you peel away the clothes that you had been so excited for and folded them into the dresser, getting into an over sized tee that Curtis had given you to wear. Crawling in close to the wall, you lay on your side, waiting for him to come back out. He finished and didnt bother with clothing, snapping off lights as he came, he stretched out on his side, and yanked you over to him, hiking a leg over his hip, there was a unprepared thrust into your core, and you yelp into his chest, pressing your face there till the pain dulled, your breathing coming and going in shallowly as you braced for him to start moving he never did though, his arm just caged you in close.

“You can sleep like this tonight, full of my cock so you dont forget who the fuck you belong to.”

You sniffle in the darkness, trying to adjust to the full sensation hes stuffed you with. Now, you were even more homesick for the tail end.

Tags- @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict @patzammit @ozarkthedog @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake @nsfwsebbie @imanuglywombat

#mcudarklibrarykinkmonth #snowpiercer #curtis everett #curtis everett x y/n #chris evans #dark fic

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rhysand-is-daddy · 4 years

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as we all know, the year is coming to an end. ive had my many ups, but also my many down. this year, by far, was one of the best yet toughest year ive ever had. ive suffered a lot but the rise from those events have made every moment with the people i love worth it. so here are the people that made my year hella worth it.

to audrey, aka softie i know we met late this year but i cant tell you how wonderful you are. youre so funny and cute uwu and our ship together rocks ^-^ ilysm bro and i hope you have a good new years.

to rida, i met you in april i think and i honestly couldnt believe that weve stayed friends for a while even if were in two diff rps. youre so cute and adorable even if you talk about ducks in the way you should never talk about ducks. unlessyourecursingthem- ahEM anYwAys ily dude and stop talking about ducks. youknowtheyfreakmeout.

to zoe, we also met in april maybeitwasmayidk but i can never thank you enough for all the things youve done for me. whenever i needed to rant, you were there, whenever i was live, you were there, whenever i wanted to nerd out about some musical or whatever, you were there. youre so worth knowing and ilysm.

and now on to the laughaholics aka crackaholics aka queenaholics aka swagaholics. you all are stoopid. but youre my gang so that makes me stoopid too :) yall are the weirdest people ive met but thats what makes our convos the best and funniest things ill ever see.

to kay, aka squid aka patrick aka frito lay, i actually havent called you that last one in a while- uM anyways this is our sEcoNd new years together. i still remember last new years. that was great. i just wanna let you know that youre one of the best person ive ever known. you have the confidence of a god and the best advice. i know that if i ever need some words of confidence, or a slap in the face, ill come to you always. youre my best friend and i love you so fricken much bb.

to bri, aka mom, i actually remember the first time i spoke to you- werenotgonnagointothatbecausefrickno uH yeah :) youre one of the most swagalicious person ive ever. you have so much swag its impossible to ever compare. youre so cute ( even tho you say you arent whEN BITCH YOURE SO ADORABLE FUCKING FIGHT ME ) and you have a cute dog even though hes on crack most of the time. i love you mommaaaa.

to gaby, aka lemon aka dad aka daddy aka pops aka big papa i. just. want. to. say. that. you. are. the. most. cutest. person. to. ever. exist. and. i. love. you. so. much. mwah. no but fr i cant imagine my world without you. youve impacted me so much throughout this year. youve had your ups ( which are so cute uwu ), and unfortunately youve had your downs. im always here to talk with you if you need it. i know you dont feel like youre strong, but dude, you are the strongest person ive met. ive seen you overcome some hard obstacles. keep doing that. i love our many inside jokes and our ships are AWESOME. i love them a lot. you know how to make a certain man s t u t t e r with the cotton candy iF yA knOw whAt i mEaN ;) anyway i love you so much pops.

to alex, aka melon aka love bug :) try as you might, you lOVE me. you might not say it but deep down in your "cold, black" heart you love us. i fricken k n o w you do. so ha. hahahaha. and if t h a t doesnt convince you, wELL LOOKY HERE LOVE BUG i love you :) i mean i l o v e y o u not some quick response or something to say, but youre my best friend along with the other laughaholics. i couldnt stop loving you if i tried. you are so honest and well spoken about things that i could never do. you know how to change a convo from normal to- well.. uM s t u f f. and your characters are beans excuse me. i love you frome texas to japan and back. youre the best uwu.

to jill, aka nesta aka twin i met you in the lovely month of march. ill always remember that day. it was the best part of my year. it was the day that i found out i wasnt alone. that i could text you if i needed a laugh, or a person i could rant to about stupid stuff, but most importantly, a person who wouldnt judge me for my own tears. when i met you i was hella broken, i was hurting a lot. but when i talked to you, everything seemed to just halt. id come out of that shell i though i oh so needed. those walls came down, and i knew i could trust you. if theres anyone in the world i could ever need, itd be you, nesta. even with our fifty million ships and our crazy paragraphs to each other, were still having fun and laugh a lot. i know that youll be my partner in crime, my twin, my person, my best friend for a long time. youre so worth knowing and the assumptions about you are so wrong and people are bums for defining you wrongfully when youre truly a person thats so sweet and compassionate. i love you to the moon and back twinnie.

all of yall have made my year, and im glad im spending it with the greatest people ever. you guys are so great in each and every way. you guys are the best people of 2019 and i hope that in 2020 all of yall will be there too. i love yall so freaking much. even though most of yall are taller than me •-• thank you again for the best year. i love yall.

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washiboy · 7 years

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. I. AM. BEING. FULLY. SERIOUS.

Shoot

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?Yes, a lot lmao… zoinks scoob. 2.When did your last hug take place?Uh… I actually dont remember lmao… Maybe my mom when she came home or something i am hug starved tbh yikes 3.Are you a jealous person?Yeah… But i’m capable of keeping my mouth shut most of the time and just wanting people to be happy over my jealousy 4.Are you tired right now?Yeah, a little!!! But i’m all good tbh. 5.Do you chew on your straws?Uhhhhhh i try not to if they’re the ones u keep but if they’re like fastfood ones that u throw away probably tbh lmao 6.Have you ever been called a tease?Hm. i dunno… 7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Nah, i dont think so.8.Do you cry easily?It depends… what it is i guess? I think i need an emotional attachment to be able to cry at something or it has to be something i relate to. I can recognize something in a super realistic movie is bad/sad but it doesnt really effect me emotionally… but i cry a lot over cartoons and characters i relate to because ive seen them over so much time? is that bad? uh…9.What should you be doing right now?something with you10.Are you a heavy sleeper?Yeah, i’d say so. But if someone comes into my room i wake up straight away,11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?Yeah. I’ve only had 2 big ones and both were a lot over that so… 12.Are you mad at someone right now?Myself?13.Do you believe in love?Yeah. I love love. lmao14.What makes you laugh no matter what?You, and dank memes 15.Who was the last person you talked to?You! 16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?Yeah, but i also feel really calm and comfortable at the same time.17.Will you get married?I think that it’s a nice thing but its not something that i necessarily strive for in life? Like u can have a partner for life and you dont have to get married if u dont want to. You can do what you want, if what society wants doesnt suit you. 18.When was the last time you smiled?UM abt 10 mins ago (at 22:00)19.Does anyone like you?Yeah, i’m mostly sure at least LMFAO a lot of the time i have no idea why tho like…20.Do you secretly like someone?Secretly? no.21.Who was the first person you talked to today?My little brother, i have to get him ready for school in the morning lmao.22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?You, Bil, or jo.23.What are you NOT looking forward to?Uh… anything academic in the future… I know its stuff i enjoy but its terrifying… 24.What ARE you looking forward to?Death stranding, sherlock season 5, Doctor who in april, YOI this year, going to an aquarium, my academic career to be finished, seeing you on tuesday25.Has someone of the opposite gender ever told you they loved you, and meant it?Probably. Not sure how to answer this bc of being trans kinda lmfao. Whatever26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?I’m happy for her now.27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?No.28.Are you a forgiving person?Depends on the person. If i genuinely care about you, yeah. If you do something ungodly, then no.29.How many TRUE friends do you have?3.30.Do you fall for people easily?Kinda… I get crushes on a lot of people but i think i only fall for someone when i connect w them… and i tend to fall hard…. yikes 31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?Uh, no? lmao32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?LMAO hot chocolate 33.Who was the last person you drove with?You probably lmao!!!34.How late did you stay up last night and why?UM about 10.30 maybe because i’m ill and tired but i was watching brooklyn and wanted to finish the episode lmao.35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?Not right now… but eventually yes. Absolutely 36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?UM… OH bil today ahahaha on sc i deleted it tho pfff37.Can you live a day without TV?Yeah lmfao…38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?Ugh when the sherlock times changed and i realized i wouldnt be able to go see it.39.Three names you go by…Sam/Samuel/Sammy lmfao40.Are you currently in a relationship?No!!! I wish wtf 41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?TREASURE PLANET 42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?Yeah!! But i dont think you have one necessarily… some people do, some people have multiple throughout their lives or at the same time. 43.What’s your current problem?being sick and not with u 44.Have you ever had your heart broken?Yeah, but not in the traditional ways probably 45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships?They dont work unless the end goal is to move in together, and soon… They require a huge amount of trust and work and are stressful probably.46.How many kids do you want to have?Like 7 dogs, a few cats. Birds, snakes, ferrets…47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?Ugh…it depends? Im not that great at initiating things but i can tell someone if i think i have a chance… depends how im feeling generally too.

THANKS FOR ASKING ME SO MANY LMAO WTF UR THE BOMB.COM !!!!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖

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cryptid-anarchist · 7 years

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self hatred rant. i really need to get this out somehow, i want help but i cant turn anywhere right now

i really hate myself sometimes. how i am. i had a great fucking day today, but then it just occurred to me how much i really suck. no matter how hard i keep trying, i cant get past parts of how i am, mostly caused by my autism or depression. sometimes anxiety. ive realized recently that i cant follow through on shit, ive been joking lately that im a “jack of all trades, a master of none!” but thats because i cant fucking commit. i couldnt even ever properly be suicidal, i always chickened out, or i was afraid of inconveniencing people depending on the method.

the person i love the most is a person who would have gotten through life fine without me but if i hadnt met him i probably wouldnt be alive right now, i was falling so fucking far at that time i was probably a week away from doing what everyone here does to kill themselves without drugs. i dont know if he realizes he has helped me that much but he knows he’s helped me change. and sometimes im angry with him because he gave me gifts that came with trust, if i ever hurt myself the way i used to then that would be a betrayal of the trust he gave me with the pocket knives. i dont know if he did that on purpose, hes a bit of a redneck with a knife collection and he knows i found a bunch of them cool looking. but sometimes it feels like him giving me a few (one for valentines day, one for christmas, one for my birthday, and one he helped me pick out that i bought) was like saying “i know you dont trust people, so these can keep you a little safe. as long as you know i trust that you wont hurt yourself”. im angry about it but at the same time i know that the meaning i projected onto that has helped keep me safe.

i even got pet snakes because of him. if it werent for him, i wouldnt have done so. but i got them because i knew i needed another crutch. i feel so selfish about that. i do everything i can to make sure they have a good life. i provide for them. and i enjoy interacting with them. they cheer me up. so simple minded, they cant understand human existential crisis. while its true they cant love me the way a human defines love, im honored to have their trust. and i stay alive because im afraid if i cant be around for them, they’ll end up not being taken care of well. 3 of them are actually rescues that i took in because after my boyfriend nursed them, he needed to clear up space so i took them in. dad was pissed about it, he didnt expect any more after the one.

and my dad has a new wife. im happy for him. and shes way better and easier to talk to than his previous wife. as im adopted, im not related to any one of my family. they always spoke about how great my mom was. i hated her, and she hated me. she always put on an act of caring a little about me in front of the rest of the house. she fucked me up so badly. and her funeral shocked me. i couldnt believe a woman like her, as she presented herself to me, would have such a large funeral. i knew she let her stress out at me, but i was angry that it was ONLY me. all those people were upset that she died. if she didnt die that april i was ready to kill myself that may.then months passed, and i had a few bumpy encounters with potential romantic partners, but then i met my boyfriend.

i feel really bad that he found me in such a wrecked state. but also grateful he stuck around so long. ive been building myself back up as a person lately. expanding my interests, and becoming a more outgoing person. learning to stand up for myself too. but i really, really wonder if its all worth it or not. i wonder if it was a mistake to keep going this long. because now im afraid of dying, because ive been working so hard. i dont want to let it all go to waste, but im afraid its going to go to waste even if i try hard. like everything else has.

i dont knwo how to let out this stress. if i betray his trust, ill feel even worse. ive been in a total art funk, so i keep getting more stressed by that. and i dont want to waste my brain away with more manga or anime right now, because i feel like im hiding from my problems. im still afraid to talk to my stepmom about this any more than passive comments, and my dad is fucking terrible with serious talks to the point i dont think i’ll ever approach him with this again. my one true friend is visiting family, and my boyfriend is also visiting family states away for a few weeks. drinking is out the window, last tiem i drank while upset i had some scratches in my self harm zones. my snakes are either in shed or havent stopped fasting, so its unwise for me to handle them. my dog even walks away from me when im too sad to move.

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g-ema · 7 years

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All the asks

1 - Who was the last person you texted? - @leia-hannah

2 - When is your birthday? - april 24th

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? - @leia-hannah, we have too much to talk about

4 - What sports do you play? - none

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? - alex (family friend)

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? - city of stars from la la land…i cant stop singing it

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? - @leia-hannah, she’d keep me entertained

8 - What do you feel right now? - tired

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? - mint m&ms

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? - 0

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? - @leia-hannah told me to

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? - @leia-hannah of course

13 - Where do you want to be right now? - on holiday somewhere warm

14 - What do you want to be in the future? - happy

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? - a few weeks ago because i was stressed at work

16 - Are you happy? - ehh

17 - Who do you miss? - guess

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? - if i could keep the same people i have now, yes

19 - What was the best thing you were given? - my car

20 - Who was the last person who called you? - @leia-hannah

21 - What is your favorite dish? - roast dinners are sooo good

22 - Who is your bestfriend? - @leia-hannah

23 - What is your biggest regret? - something way too personal for this

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? - never had one

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? - either @leia-hannah (i need more friends ahah) or my brother

26 - Name someone pretty. - you guessed it, @leia-hannah

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? - my mum

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? - depends on my mood

29 - Are you over your past? - nope

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? - @leia-hannahs mum omg

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? - someone kind

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? - yes

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? - my mum

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? - jeans

35 - How’s your heart? - sore

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? - no

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? - honestly couldnt say

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - hows it going being nonexistent?

39 - Do you have any phobias? - heights, big time

40 - Did you try to change for a person? - yeah a few times

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? - a care package

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? - ??

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? - more towards the latter rn

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. - @leia-hannah

45 - Describe your dream date. - either watching the stars or a cosy movie night

46 - Describe your dream wedding. - as lame as it sounds…one at disney they look like so much fun

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? - zero

48 - Have you ever been kissed? - yes

49 - How long is your longest relationship? - nothing

50 - Do you regret your past? - parts of it

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? - if i love them enough

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? - yeah

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? - i think its a waste of time

54 - Are you a crybaby? - nope

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? - quite frequently, yeah

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? - yep

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? - i regret everything i do

58 - Do you like getting hurt? - no

59 - Does anyone hate you? - probably

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? - nope

61 - What hair color do you prefer? - brunette

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? - how pale i am

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? - nahh

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? - honestly, yeah

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? - dont go to school…

66 - Can you live without internet? - no i need the distraction

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - that being @leia-hannah, good grief by bastille (it played all the time on the radio when we went to the beach)

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? - i think so

69 - Are you a crybaby? - didnt i answer this??

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? - a few too many times when i was younger

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? - no

72 - Do you study hard? - i used to

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? - i did, it didnt go very well for me

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? - possibly??

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? - yes

76 - Did you have an accident last year? - crashed my car

77 - What kind of person are you? - a kind one i like to think

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? - yeahh

79 - Have you ever been jealous? - so many times

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? - im not really sure, depeds on the type of person i guess

81 - What are you thinking right now? - is it too late to try and get out of going to work?

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? - work

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? - so many

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? - i have

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? - no i dont have the confidence to do that

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? - of course i have

87 - Do you have trust issues? - slightly

88 - Are you broken-hearted? - i wouldnt really know

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? - hannah

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? - depends what its for

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? - i kinda do

92 - Who do you want to marry? - i dont know if i ever want to get married

93 - Do you believe in destiny? - kinda?

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? - me and hannah have already agreed we are ahaha

95 - How do you look right now? - tired

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? - idk

97 - Have you found your true love? - nahh

98 - What should you be doing right now? - nothing really

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. - …

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? - all the time

#anonymous #ask me anything #g-ema

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