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shinebrightlikeanarwhal · 3 years

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Travis-centered plots because I Like fix it’s… (I just finished typing them all, I’m ashamed for my sinful brain oml)

- Larry and Travis having once been friends but being torn apart by Travis’ father. Larry keeping an eye on Travis for years but then turning his attention to Sal, whom in turn receives the sudden disdain of Travis.

Sal confronts Travis in the bathrooms one day and Larry listens from the door. Eventually Sal talks Travis into tears. He confesses to being jealous of Sal and not wanting Larry to stop focusing on him, even if Larry ends up hating him. How his dad would beat him if Travis and Larry ever got close again. Larry barges in and holds Travis close. They reconcile (Sal opting to let the boys talk, clearly not in the mood to see Enemies to Lovers tonguing den in the school bathroom.

They uproot and destroy the cult, blah blah blah, Happily ever after and Travis gets help for his trauma induced depression and anxiety.

- Travis has been off for a few days. He doesn’t antagonize anyone. Philip does more talking and ginger touching that Travis violently jerks away from. During class he barely responds and teachers don’t try to force him. Sal didn’t expect to find Travis sleeping on a bench one day. His worn shoes now tattered with holes at the bottom. His black eye prominent but accompanied by a busted lip and what looked to be severe damage to his legs.

Not sure how he did it, but Sal managed to convince Travis to come home with him. Introduces Travis to Henry and leads him to the bathroom where he washed off and got treated. His damage was severe and Sal really wanted to call the police but just seeing a fearful Travis weened him off the idea.

Larry was not too pleased to find Travis at Sals. He almost yelled until he noted Travis look at his raised hand and cower from him. Larry pausing and pulls Sal to the side to understand. Of course they don’t know the full story but it’s enough to have Larry texting the group for help. Most were curious about what could lead them to wanting to help Travis. Ash, however, seemed to know a lot.

They find out about Travis’ abuse, the cult. Travis helps a little. He is still terrified of them but they start to grow on him with time. He even allows contact with Sal rarely, who shows him his face during a bonding moment at the dead of night. Larry makes playlists and CDs to help Travis get accustomed to loud noises (many of which are songs Larry personally thinks Travis would enjoy.

After the gang destroys and puts the cult behind bars. No demons, no murders, and no dead friends. Sal manages to convince Travis to report his father, thankfully they kept his clothes to give to the state police, Todd refused to trust the local police after further investigating the cult and their connections.

Healing and coping, cuddling and coddling. Travis getting the love and attention he deserves! Could end with him dating someone or him just being under their care for a while.

—Salvis but Sal is a bit more aggressive with Travis. Fuck it ABO, Travis is a very spicy omega that pretends to be a Beta. Sal is a strong scented alpha, like it’s a musky and domineering scent compared to his appearance. Larry is an alpha, though his scent is murky and smoky, and he doesn’t act like the stereotypical alpha. Travis nitpicks them like usual, though sometimes they are too distracted by the nice smell seeping off of him. Larry sneers and asks if Travis mom scented him before school. Travis is upset at this. Much more emotional than usual. Sal notes the spike in scent and jabs Larry.

Uh oh, Travis is presenting in the bathroom, and beta Philip isn’t able to fight off the alphas coming to investigate the scent, thankfully Sal is here to soothe and calm the terrified Travis while his friends help fend off the other students.

Mr. Phelps is pissed about an omega son. Travis is constantly scented with distress. He isn’t allowed to talk about it but everyone can smell it. They are well aware of Travis’ fluctuating weight, fatigue and his tan skin turning pale and bruised worse than before. Larry is annoyed by this but can’t tell whether it’s the scent affecting him or his stern belief in protecting omegas from abusive alphas.

Sal hates it, he knows he felt the mate bond but Travis doesn’t seem to notice. Travis’ suffering eats away at Sal until he all but corners Travis and propositions him to save him from his father and give him sanctuary. It takes a lot to convince Travis. Heck, he has to promise Larry wouldnt hurt him (Larry later seeks Travis to reconcile their bad blood).

They get to know eachother. Sal is head over heels and watching Travis grow and blossom into his omega blood. Travis starts falling for someone else and Sal tries to be supportive (until he can’t even look at Travis without feeling heartache). But Travis notes he doesn’t love ____ And follows his heart to Sal. They bond, they love and boom, happy little family. (With three cute babies because Travis and Sal deserve happy families)

Larvis: roughly the same as the salvos ABO but Larry straight up picks up Travis and carries him home. Travis tries to fight but is swaddled and pampered until he’s fast asleep and purring in Larry’s arms.

Mr. Phelps doesn’t have much ground to stand on when he tries to take Travis back. Larry confirming that Travis is his mate and based off of Phelps’ beliefs he should reside with his mate.

Travis is surprised his father backs off so easily (because how could the pastor refute what he preaches?? Such blasphemy would be heard by the church blah blah blah). Larry and Travis talk and Larry admits that they are indeed mates, he never brought it up for Travis’ health. He was already struggling to care for himself, a mating bond would send his already feeble body and fragile mind spiraling. Larry also admits he knew they were mates ever since he presented, which wasn’t that long after entering highschool. But, Travis was so proud to be ‘normal’ and not some horny mess like the others. He also didn’t like seeing Travis harass and bully others, which probably aided in his aggressive rejection of the omega and prolonged Travis’ presentation.

Life goes on and Larry and Travis are happily married with four kids (two more in the oven, because Larry is a very affectionate husband). Cult was handled and Sal is NOT dead and very much the worlds best uncle.

-Travis having a hot girl summer.

That’s it. That’s the plot.

Thotty church twink marching about in short shorts and tank tops (sinful!) showing off his goodies to the masses. Larry shamelessly offers to partake, and gets thrown for a whirlwind when Travis’ phat ass is delightfully uncontrollable. Sal jokingly shoots his shot and winds up slumped in the back of the church from immaculate head.

Mr. Phelps is away so the thot is out to play. (Courtesy of Mama Phelps aiding and abetting her sons growth as a person. He may be throwing it back to the boys he once sneered at but at least he’s nicer to people)

-Travis being rescued from the Phelps home after a concerned report to the state police. The church closed and his father put behind bars for many accounts of child abuse and neglect and the disappearance of Travis’ mother.

Sal and gang are curious about what the new home will do to Travis after months of rehabilitation, and all damn near faint when they see Travis with long pink hair and a cute sun dress marching into the school. Directly towards them and apologizing for his horrible treatment of them, specifically Sal. They can’t believe his change at first but after weeks of watching him, he seems genuinely happier.

This new happiness starts to get unsettling to Larry, who watches Travis and Philip be closer than before. He shouldn’t care he hates Travis! But god he wished the boy would wrap his arms around his and march down the halls. He would kill to get surprise back hugs or do the hugging. He wanted to share lunch with Travis. Be hand fed meals and have his mouth cleaned whilst being scolded.

Fuck, he’s in love! He thought he nipped that in the bud when Sal started getting bullied by Travis. But no, Travis being rescued from his awful father and being a genuinely good person from then on was astounding. Hell, he even brought Sal treats as an apology for walking in on him with his mask off once. Sal said it was fine but Travis babbled ok about feeling bad because Sal looked terrified even though Travis didn’t think Sal was any less cool. (Yes, Sal cried in his room about how much it meant for someone to say that).

For fucks sake, Travis had pictures upon pictures of his new family and their pets. PETS. He had dooogs, god Larry lost his mind seeing Travis jogging around town with dogs in shorts and a sweaty, almost see through tank top!! He’s too gay for this.

He finally confesses, maybe tries to play it off as a joke, but Travis just smiles sweetly and pecks his cheek. He’s sorry but he’s already dating someone. Larry tries not to let his disappointment show, but he just can’t feel the need to go to school for a couple of days. Hides out in his tree house and just smokes. Cause, cmon.. who’d wanna date him?? All he does is smoke and play around! He hasn’t had a stable relationship in years and most he’s known for is sleeping with whoever he deems the hottest.

Sal notices his behavior and tries to comfort him, not sure why Larry is like this, by offering to introduce him to his partner. Maybe they have a friend Larry is interested in. Larry wants to be supportive but he really doesn’t care to see Sals new beau(ty). He really just wanted to camp out in the tree house and smoke away the pain. Or, he did until he sees Travis and Sal holding hands and nuzzling on the couch one day. Sals legs on Travis’ and Travis combing Sals hair. Larry felt like his world came crashing down, his best friend?? And his first and worst crush?? The crush that sent him spiraling for what could have been weeks? Sal is innocent, he didn’t know that Larry was madly in love with Travis. Didn’t know that Travis so politely rejected him and offered to cease contact if Larry felt he couldn’t be around him.

Larry wasn’t much of a romantic after that. He played around with whoever he felt needed love. His partying spiraling out of control in adult hood. Travis tried to contact him and help him find a good person, but any attempts to help Larry ended with Larry crying to him drunkenly. Asking why he wasn’t good enough, why he couldn’t have been Sal. Travis wasn’t allowed near Larry after Larry drunkenly made advances at him, he doesn’t blame Larry he’s extremely emotional, but Sal felt Larry would only get worse the more they stayed in contact, so they were kept apart.

Larry never loved anyone as much as he loved Travis Fisher.

-Last one was a sadder Onesided Larvis, this one is Larry teasing and cornering Travis so much that Travis tries to shock him by kissing him. He came home with some hickies and a very prominent limp.

They’re not saying, yet, but Wingman Sal is politely judging Travis into Larry’s arms. They are constantly alone together. Larry blowing Travis’ back out in an abandoned amusement park when the others split up to explore. “He sprained his ankle running from a shadow” Hmph, Travis smelt like axe. He HATES the smell of axe… but okay lovebirds.

Sal has 100% walked in on the secret lovers getting frisky when moms out. Later helps Travis shop for more pretty clothes, because who wouldn’t want a shopping body??? That’s almost illegal to not take the opportunity.

Larry eats ass. A lot. Travis can literally be on FaceTime shopping with Sal and Larry just slips under the covers and enjoys his fill of boyfriend cheekies~ yum!

Travis, as revenge, will give the gawk gawk 9000. Larry is NOT safe if he thinks Travis has forgotten the embarrassment of Sal chuckling and telling him he has to go walk his homework. He could be on the phone with his boss or Lisa and Travis will give the sloppiest top he’s ever had. (Praise the son for horni bratty bottoms)

#travis phelps #laravis #Larry x Travis #salvis #sal x travis #larvis #sal fisher #sally face au #sally face #larry johnson #I’m but a hole #so Travis will be too #I have more but I so tired ;u; don’t wanna think #but yeah Travis either getting help or being adopted and rehabilitated #god I love the idea of Travis with long luscious hair in the prettiest gowns #prancing around the school and bringing hand made treats to his peers #special treats to the one he likes #long post

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thornsofdeath · 4 years

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phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell. phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends.

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more.

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope.

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down.

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au. he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live.

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

#phf #purple haze feedback #fugo #pannacotta #pannacotta fugo #fugo pannacotta #jjba #jojo #mista #guido #guido mista #mista guido #giorno giovanna #giorno #giogio #fugio #vent #rant

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autumn-foxfire · 3 years

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What Im thinking about today: BNHA n stigmatization of psychology.

The thing is, we as humans are very ready to help each other (most of the time). Thats why we try to rehabilitate prisoners, thats why we volunteer, thats why proffesions such as doctors, social workers and psychologists etc exist. I think we talked here before how most villains in the series havent been failed by heroes, they've been failed by societal safety nets that were meant to catch ppl like them, just like social workers try to catch endangered kids and psychologists try to catch people with mental problems.

Now i study psychology so ill concentrate on that. Obviously it depends from place to place but mental care is still very often looked down upon as 'something for crazy people.' I have personal expirience with that as when i suggested to my dad that maybe he should look into a psychologist too (after my brother started going to one) cuz he has some issues that he could use a hand dealing with, his response was 'what? But im not crazy'. I study psychology and he still often makes jokes about me treating crazy people in the future. I interviewd a school psychologist for a class and she told us that one of the first things she has to do in a school is get students to relax and feel comfortable coming to her with problems cuz there is a very clear stigma in everyones mind that asking for help with your mental problems is something bad, something wrong, something that means you are crazy, wierd, other and people do fear that stigmatization. Going to a psychologist doesnt mean you are crazy, it means you are having problems that you cant deal with on your own and that you need proffesional help with. Nothing more, nothing less. Those problems can be depression or they can be helping you to deal with lingering emotions from your divorce. Big or small, psychology is simply there to give you support and tools you need to feel good again. You wouldnt stigmatize someone for going to the doctor for a soar throat or cancer so you shouldnt stigmatize someone seeking p much the same help for mental illness.

But people still do because things ingrained in society are very very hard to uproot and things are going for the better with every generation but its a painfully slow process and there is no telling how many people fall through that net because they dont seek help when they still can because they think 'im not crazy im not gonna go to those mumbo junbo psychologist that mess with your head' which is very much like going 'im not gonna go to a doctor for my infected wound, they would mess with my body'. Untreated infections spread and get worse and people fall through.

This is what leads me back to bnha. We dont know exactly how long the world of quirks existed, i think i saw a post breaking it down to be for about 100-300 years but for the life of me i cant remember. We know its not terribly long. 100 years may seem long until you remember a single human can live to 100 years old. Now my question is, if a science such as psychology that has been present since like ancient greeks n egypt n stuff can still be stigmatized.

How accepted would quirk counseling be?

Lets not forget that quirks were heavily discriminated against in the begining, treated as monsterous and the other and the acceptence of them is still something fresh and more extreme mutations still face hate groups. Like its completly canon that there are people alive now in bnha whos parents or grandparents faced discrimination or died because of quirk discrimination (cough redestro cough).

Imagine being Togas parents.

Your child displays a quirk like that. You still have in memory your parent or grandparent who was discriminated and monsterized because of a similar quirk. Quirk counceling exists but why should you take your daughter there. Shes not a monster, this isnt something you should get someone else involved with, its a family matter and what do those counselors know anyway, they will treat your daughter as a monster and make everything worse. You can handle this yourself, you can teach her to supress it. Shes not a monster.

The wound festers.

This especially goes hard for japan whos big on the keeping things in the family aspect and not discracing the family. The stigma is still fresh in the memory and you dont want to be that family whos kid goes to quirk counseling. You shut the doors, you shut the windows, you deal with it within the family.

I think that while quirk counseling exists in bnha, it would most likely be seen as something thats shameful to atend, a admitance that you dont have control over your own quirk. Your friends might say 'what the fuck man why are you going there, you arent a monster' even if a quirk that has negative effects should be treated as shortsighted eyes that need glasses. Just because it doesnt function well, doesnt mean its bad. But well stigmatization of disabled is a whole nother thing our society also has problems with and that also connects to bnha (cough aoyama cough). I think thats why its so easy for people in bnha to fall through those safety nets. I do belive they exist but they are new, probably not the most super effective as most new things tend to be and are probably looked down upon.

And hate to break it to shiggy and the crew but thats the kind of a problem that can only be fixed my longterm education and normalization of asking for help rather then burning the systhem to the ground.

I hope that made sense i always get a little loopy with my points when i write a long one fgdgff

No, it makes sense.

Mental health is still stigmatized everywhere, even here in the UK where we’re supposed to have some of the best health care available (which is debatable). To bring something a little personal into this, my flatmates and I were playing a guessing game where I had to describe a word with other descriptions being taboo (in my case it was headache) and as my flatmates know I suffer from chronic headaches, I said as a clue that it was something I get often. Well, a flatmate who was a little tipsy at the time who knows about my depression shouted depression to my other shocked flatmates (I didn’t mind, in fact I found it hilarious). But after we had all calmed down, one of my flatmates said something that stuck with me: “Maybe you shouldn’t overshare things”.

Now, I don’t see telling people I have depression as something I’m oversharing. It’s not private, it’s a mental health condition I suffer from that can kill me if it goes unchecked (before starting medication again, I was very suicidal). In fact, it benefits both me and my flatmates to know that I have depression just in case. And yet it was viewed as something that I was “oversharing”.

This attitude has only arisen because people treat mental health as something that is shameful and should only be known among family members. In fact, I had no clue that DASS (a disability service in uni) was actually also for mental health issues because we’ve been raised with people treating mental health as something “in our heads” and so isn’t as important as physical disabilities, it was only until my uni pointed out that it was there for every condition, physical and mental.

The point I’m making is that I can totally see mental health in BNHA be treated as a shameful secret. Japan doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to mental health anyway (don’t they have some of the highest suicide rates?) so it wouldn’t surprise me if the BNHA universe is the same. In fact, the only mental health issues we’ve seen in BNHA currently are the extreme examples of it such as Twice and Dabi’s mania.

I would love to see Horikoshi delve a little more into quirk counselling and the potential stigma behind it. I know it’s been brought up once or twice (UA treats it as something normal but as teachers who see mental health issues all the time, it’s no wonder that they do) but not enough in my opinion when it’s probably one of the most important stop gaps between making villains.

I don’t have much hope, admittedly, but it would be something fun to explore in fanon too!

#bnha #bnha manga spoilers #mental health #mental health discussion #personal #thanks for the ask!!#thegaygyrus

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noahhernandez · 4 years

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2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same !

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me.

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol.

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol.

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago.

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit.

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected.

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it.

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness.

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library.

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so. IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot.

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me.

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds.

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying.

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>???

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of.

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward.

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it.

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :(

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful.

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes.

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer.

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think 39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school). 40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart.

#personal

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lovesickmochi · 3 years

Text

updates and descriptions.

hey. it’s been a while since i posted on here.

there’s been a shit ton of changes in my life and i wouldn’t have it in any other way. people have come and go, but there’s so so many people that stayed. i didn’t ask them to stay, they stayed on their own.

as much as i would love to tell them, “don’t leave my life. you’re too important for me to lose”, i feel like they already know that through my actions and my kindness towards them.

first off, there’s my brother. he’s 27, and we’re at least a decade apart in age. but mentally and emotionally, we’re the same person. the first time he and i met, he was still a teenager and i was a baby. since then, we rarely interacted but i already knew, somehow, that he was going to be my favorite kuya. 2018, when my dad passed away, he stepped into my life as the guy that i could depend on and look up to. i’m actually an only child, so i didn’t know what it was like to have a sibling. since he stepped into my life, even when he moved to la and back here in sj, we’ve been inseparable.

every day we interact, through instagram dms, discord dms... and we hangout almost every weekend now. even through quarantine, we’ve been hanging out. i know what you’re thinking. what’s a 17 year old hanging out with a guy who’s almost 30? well, let me answer that. he saved my life. he kept me from ending my life due to depression over the trauma that i suffered when my dad passed away. apparently, i saved his life too.. he went through a rough breakup and he was falling apart. his siblings did their best, but i truly felt that i, a teenager, should step in and be the little sister that he never had. i introduced him to my group of friends, who i now call my siblings too, well. except for the guy im kinda dating, but that doesnt matter in this paragraph.

i wanted him to experience the last few parts of my childhood before i become an adult, since he, unfortunately, had to miss out on most of it. my friends and i love him very much and the fact that he’s now so comfortable with them, means everything to me. i love him with every part of me, and i’m thankful for everything he’s done for me. from getting me food, to giving me his old pc, to letting me spend time with him on the weekends, to letting me bother him so i could rant, to spilling all the tea with him, all that jazz.

kuya, if you see this, i love you.

second, there’s my older sister.

she’s a couple of months older than kuya. it was her birthday recently and she and kuya spent the night here at my place. instead of sleeping, kuya and i were laughing at the most random shit, and ended up getting mcd’s and starbucks at 6am. meanwhile, ateh was knocked the fuck out on the living room couch. i helped take care of her with the best of my abilities and im glad that i was able to keep her happy and safe.

she and i share a huge love for disney and it’s a huge goal for us to be able to go to disneyland together. she has this laugh that is so contagious, you wouldnt be able to stop laughing around her. like how some of my friends describe me, she’s literally a ball of sunshine. she’s the dorkiest person i know, and i can obv relate to her in so many ways. although there’s not a lot of things i know about her, i can proudly say that she’s my favorite ateh. i want to get to know her more, and i always want to hangout with her when she’s available.

ateh, if you see this, i love you.

third, there’s my other two older sisters.

even though we’re a year and a couple days apart in age, i love them with everything. there’s the bird lady and the cat lady.

the bird lady is older than the two of us, and she’s, different. she’s the kind of person who’s closed off to so many other people and she doesnt get the chance to experience many things that most people my age. most of the time, she’s reading or gaming or drawing, and i find it interesting that she can keep herself entertained most of the time. she’s so different from everyone else, yet she let me into her life and allowed me to be there for her. she’s strong. she’s beautiful and she doesnt know it yet. i want to be there for her when she becomes the person she wants to be.

she and i met in my freshman year in choir. she was already in concert choir two, and both choirs merged together for a concert song. when i first saw her, i may or may have not had a small crush on her. she doesnt believe me when i say that, but oh well. we ended up officially meeting in my sophomore year when i join her in concert choir two. i learned about her boundaries and i got to know her more when we were placed in the altos section together. the day when i started to really become friends with her, was when i joined a discord server with a bunch of other people that i was friends with in april 2020. it’s been over a year of me being in that server, and after so many obstacles, i get to call her my sister as well.

in that same server, i got to meet the cat lady. she’s the witch in our friend group and she is so fucking hyper. in a good way. when i first interacted with her, i was like, “damn shes loud. i like her”. i got to know her, i became friends with her, and now i can call her my sister as well. we never met in person up until halloween 2020. apparently she met the bird lady way before i joined the server. since we met in person, i also got to know her mom. she’s strict, but she’s a very sweet person as well.

the cat lady is a person who would do anything and everything for her friends and family no matter what gets in her way to stop her. there are many many times where i want to say that i proud of her for everything that she’s done already. but i feel that she already knows that. i know she knows that i love her. she’s someone that i want to protect, to guide her through the hard shit, to be there for when she falls apart.

to my sisters, if you see this, i love you.

and then there’s my little brother, my bunso.

he’s something else. he’s weirdly one of the best people that’s stepped into my life and somewhat changed me for the better. he and i go to the same school, and i’ve seen him in marching band. but get this, we never met until we interacted in the discord server. we’ve seen each other but we just never met. since i met him, i got to meet him in person halloween 2020, along with the cat lady. there’s honestly not a lot that i can say about him, since i still have yet to get to know him more, but what i can say is that i’m glad that i can call him my brother. he, along with everyone else i mentioned in this post, is someone i want to always be there for no matter what, to support and love through everything.

to my bunso, if you see this, i love you.

to everyone i mentioned;

i know that i dont always say i love you. i know that i dont always show my appreciation for you. i know that im not always the best person.

but.

here i am now. showing you that i appreciate every single one of you. thank yu for coming into my life and making sure that i dont fall apart. thank you for making laugh and smile and feel complete. thank you for keeping me safe in your hearts, and trusting me to do the same. thank you for hanging out with me, for interacting with me, for meeting me and seeing me as a good person. thank you for keeping me in check, making sure that im okay, that i at least laugh once or more throughout the day.

seriously. thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and more.

yes i cried making this.

i love you.

~ mochinyx_

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darklaff · 4 years

Text

I writing this for myself it's problems I have and need to face and I believe if I write them down it may help. I'd say after I write it down I don't care what you think of me but I do care I have this problem where I always care about how people think of me I want to be liked it doesn't matter if I know you or if you are a stranger.

Depression

I have suffered with it since my uncle David passed away 11 years ago. When I was growing up my dad left when I was just under a year old so my uncle David became a father figure and some one I looked up to he was someone who was always there for me when I was upset or if i had any problems he was some one I could talk to and he would be there to help. He always left a really good impression with people that meet him. And when he fell ill I used to think he would get better because to me he was superman but he kept getting worse, he stopped eating and stop talking and watching him be like that made upset and angry that someone I loved and respected was just fading away and I couldn't do anything to fix it.

As time went by with him in hospital he looked better he was smiling and talking, the doctors said he was improving but then he started sneaking buckfast wine into the hospital and he did this for weeks and it made him worse again and one day my gran and papa came back from the hospital my papa was upset and my gran look defeated and worn down my gran came into my room and said I have really bad news David has died, I didnt believe her I refused to believe that someone I loved had died. Realisation kick in when my gran had a open casket in the house, when I seen him laying in the casket I went straight to my room and started crying I did leave the room till everyone was sleeping I snuck down stairs to see him again and started to talk to him hoping he could hear me saying things like why did you have to die, why did you start drinking again, I hate you for leaving me I sat with him all night and headed to bed when I heard people waking up. The hardest part was he was the one I spoke to when thing got bad and he would make it better by telling what to do but he wasn't there to do that anymore.

When it came time to bury him I said no to carrying his coffin and lowering him into the ground I was scared to do it and I regret not doing it, he was always there to pick me up when I was down and carried me and all my problems and I could do that one thing for him and that's when I started hating myself for not being there when he needed me, 11 year's have gone by and I still miss him but he left me with one thing that he said to me that I always will use he said "treat people how you would like to be treated".

Anger issues

I've always been angry growing up and it's been a something I've struggled with, when I was younger I always had to deal being bullied in school and on the streets I grew up and it developed a rage where I lash out at people for no reason, then one day I fought back against the people that pushed me about and it felt good being on top where I got a bit more respect so I used to fight alot in school and around my street till one day when I was 17 I got involved when my wee cousin got in a fight with some lad and I went in to split it up and the boy went to swing at me he missed and I put him on his arse and he said he going to get his cousin to come batter me a hour later his cousin appeared looking for a fight and I tried to talk my way out it first but he wasn't listening to what I had to say so we started fight for about 10 minutes and within that time I got so built up with rage I couldn't really remember what happened during the fight the only thing I remembered was hearing a lassie scream when the fight ended there was a fair bit of blood and my cousin told me what happened but bragging the way he told me he said that I was banging his head against a car window and he refused to give up and kept standing up and when I got him back to the ground that I was kicked his head like a football and people had to drag me off him, my mum and auntie Mel seen what happened and took me home later that night the guy I was fighting appears with four of his mates with bat's and golf clubs shouting for me and throwing things at my mums house and started getting angry again and went to the kitchen and grabbed a blade and went to the door if it wasn't for my auntie Mel stand in front of the door stopping me from leaving I would have went to jail that day. It wasn't till the police chase them off I seen how much I upset my mum, I made a promise that I wouldnt let my anger come out like that again but there are still a few triggers that brings a glimpse of that anger out to this day.

Relationship problems

Heather: I was 15 and this was my first serious girlfriend and the lass I lost my virginity with we where together for 8-9 months I thought we loved each other but it was lust and when she got bored of me and dumped me and in less than 2days she was in another relationship with some guy, my friend told me that she was sleeping around behind my back with the guy she was with, I didn't want to believe it so I waited and tried to get her back when she broke up with that guy I was there to comfort her and when things seemed like we could of got back together she went and started sleeping with my best mate that happened for a few months and I still waited for her to come back to me like a pathetic clown. Then one day I stayed over at my mates and I couldn't sleep so I decided to go check my MySpace page on his laptop and the was a convo page with him and Heather and I read it was countless pages of them making fun of me saying I was pathetic and gullible laughed at me cause I told her she was my first, I felt weak and so I left the in the middle of the night heading home upset. A year later she called me saying she wants to see me and I said yes she came to my house the next day and we spoke she told me she wanted to get back together I said I wanted that to so we started kissing then we slept together then she ask if I could do her a favor and collect money from her ex (my ex best mate) I told I would do it so I went to collect the money he owed and gave her it back after that she went home, the next day I tried to call her she ignored my calls for 2 days so I decided to meet her by surprise her friend stopped me and said she was in a relationship with someone. So she used me and I was involved with her cheating on the guy she was with and to this day he still doesn't know.

Kayleigh: this was a relationship I lost any respect for my self it lasted 8 year and only the first year was good then we moved in together and after the first month staying together the relationship turn rotten we where always shouting and fighting, me and kayleigh broke up with each other countless of times and this happened for 3 years then one day she said she was going to stay with her sister I thought it was only for a week or so but no she left me and even tho our was toxic but I still wanted her back but she never answered my calls our replied to my messages and then one day she calls me with news she said she was pregnant and I was overjoyed the one thing I wanted in this world was my own children I asked her if we could be together again and raise our daughter up together she said only if you put in for a new house and get a job so I did these things within couple of months I did the things she requested then we moved back in together it was going well and and our daughter was happy as the months went by and we stated arguing with each other again and I started to become silent and avoided her in the house I gave her my whole wage packet so she was happy and stayed with me if I wanted to buy something I want I had to ask her and make sacrifices to buy what I wanted like I would go a week and only have my dinner 2-3 times which saved food and in turn saved money then a moved into the loft for a year cause it got to the point where if we spent more than a hour with each other in the same room she would start a argument. Then I broke my leg at work and got paid off she helped me threw it till I got better but I struggled to get back into work and one day we started arguing and I was getting angry so I headed to my room to calm down she followed me and I shut the door on her then she stared kicking the doors and screaming like a banshee so I got out the room grabbed her picked her up and threw her out the house and locked the door and said she can get back in when she calms down, she called the police and I spent the night in the cells and got charged with domestic assault and went through court and got sentenced 350 hours community payback when I was going through court she got a flat and moved out and that relationship ended but we found out where better as friends and we get along that way

Ceia: I was single alone and depressed for 2 almost 3 years I tried my luck with a dating app called Plenty of Fish I used it for a couple months and got no luck. Then I seen ceias profile she liked the same things I did, so I tried my luck and messaged her and asked her what her favourite warrior movie was message back and we talked for a couple of hours before we exchanged mobile and continued or conversations over to WhatsApp to me she was amazing and beautiful and funny. We talk and meet each other for a month before I asked if she wanted start a relationship I was convinced I was with the girl of my dreams but I was to forward with her talking about kids and marriage and moving in at first she was fine with it and so we spoke to each other everyday almost every moment we asked each other a million questions to get to know each other more and I would go to her house and she would come to mines we watched movies and I feel completely in love with her she told me she was scared I got bored with her and move on I told her that would never happen so I told her I loved her every night and we used to play I love you more game things where perfect and something bad happened and she lost someone I tried my best to help her through it but as the weeks went by and she grew tired of my lack of patience and said I was putting to much pressure on her and broke up with me I tried my hardest to get her back I didn't want to lose her but the harder I tried the further I was pushing her away and should have let her greif I peace and been there when she needed me. I promised her alot that I would make her happy every day and keep her safe but I failed that and I said nasty things to her and I regret saying them but people can't change time only learn from the mastakes

Socially awkward and loneliness

I can't hold a conversation I'm lonely all the I tried to fix his problems so I start conversations that I can't hold and I get bored I always leave an awkward silence. I've got my mum's to try and have a conversation at last for 5-minutes and then I end up sitting on my phone for a hour and then go home.

Summary

I'm a depressed social awkward lonely weirdo with anger problems that can't hold a relationship

And if it wasnt for my daughter the only person that gives me some happiness and reason to live then I would have jumped of the erskine bridge 6 years ago

Im a mess and I know it and can't fix it

#Depression #Socially #Awkward #lonliness #Anger #Issues #Problems #Hate

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completleymessy01 · 3 years

Text

12.12.20

It is so weird life.Theres so much to think about, so much that can harm you. Life is depressing, innocent people suffer daily. And ive realised that i cant simply be happy, i feel like i dont deserve to be. Like it will never last. If i feel sad all the time then there isnt anything to look back on and wish i felt that way, basically i will never end up getting hurt because i wont ever expect something good. Latley ive just felt so sad. About everything. Im so damaged. I have been emotionally abused my whole life. And it lives with me everyday. The voices detremine how i see myself. I once read that if theres voices telling you that you arent good enough in your head, its because someone put them there. I wish i could remember more from my childhood so i could find out if it was me or not. What i mean by this was it me just being dramatic? Did i actually have a good childhood and just look for the problems? NO. I cant except that. What is truly depressing is that i feel kinda like PTSD from my childhood. I cant excatly remember many happy memories from my childhood, and i definatley wouldnt want to go back. When i think of certain situations like my dad passing out drunk and leaving me to look after my younger brother and cousins, or when he knocked himself unconcious/split his head open and falling over drunk or when he kicked me after i accidnetley hurt my brother, or when he threw the chair at me cause i couldnt sleep and i just wanted some help. I went to school everyday thinking that i was an awful child, That the children in my class were better than me because they didnt have to deal with what i did. And that it was my fault that it happened, i asked too many questions, i pushed him too far. And it resinates with me to this day. I see dads with their daughters and i ache for that connection. When my friend was really drunk and her dad picked her up and held her, it broke my heart. I would have no one to do that for me, no one to care for me in that way. No one who would miss me. I worry that my friends sectrley hate me and that im a burden, and that they will leave me, just like my dad did. You know whats the worst thing about it? I can never even tell him what he did or how awful he made me feel. Because if i do i would have to truly accept that he is no longer my father, meaning i would cut him out of my life forever. No more money, no more finacial support, which i need at this point in my life. Im writing it here. Right now. That i will work my ass off, and always try my best and will earn enough so that i dont ever need anyone i dont need to fake be nice to my abusive father, hug and kiss him and pretend that everythings alright. I wont have to be talked down by my stepfather who believw she is smarter than me. Because he isnt i am strong and i have really blossomed into something quite amazing considering where i began. Now i know i will probably read this back and laugh. But right now i wanna say something to myself that i can read back when i feel hopeless.

T, you are amazing. Look how far you have come. Straight A’s that YOU deserve. Amazing friends, that again YOU deserve. Ambition that YOU own. A kind heart. a strong heart, i love you even when u think no one else does. And i will walk with you through life, facing every obstacle, knowing you always have me.

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pastelastronomy24 · 5 years

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A Different Day

Part 1

Peter Parker x Black!Plus Sized OC (Elara Dawson)

A/N: Oh. Well this is awkward... I said I was going on hiatus didn’t I? 🤷🏾‍♀️ oops. Anyways I’ve been writing this thing in my head for MONTHS. And she decided to take form on this day today, so here I am writing on my phone until I can get a new laptop.

Warnings: the first part of this is very angsty. TRIGGER WARNING for anyone suffering from depression or anyone who’s experienced emotional abuse ; this is an aged up Freshman year of College Peter Parker; I decided to make this set at NYU for plot and convenience sake.

Description: A cute little fic about Elara Dawson, and what happens when meeting Peter Parker changes her life.

—————————————

Elara Dawson had been waiting for this day since the reality that life was everything less than pleasant presented itself. Years of her life were spent in a broken home. A home that fostered a desensitizing amount of pain. A home where she learned growing up without receiving love, was every excuse to grow up giving love.

Elara couldn’t place the exact moment in which she realized her mother began to despise her, but she could tell you when her father became complacent. She was 12. Elara could tell you the exact number of how many times she’d thought she had finally reached her limit for living. Exactly 46. She could tell you about all the times her mother physically recoiled and yelled at her for reaching for a hug. A whopping 266. She could tell you how many hours she spent pleading for her mother to understand that she was hurting her, and how many hours her mother spent telling her that these were lies constructed in her mind, that she was a selfish brat who didn’t know how hard life really was. Approximately 1,616 hours, called ‘Selfish’ 86 times, and ‘Brat’ 105.

“You always want to make me out to be the bad guy!!”

“So what I took some of your money, I fucking raised you!”

“All the money I’ve spent on you your entire fucking life and you’re screaming blood murder over $700 you fucking brat”

“I had my stomach sliced open and my guts pulled out to bring your selfish stingy ass into this world.”

Elara had given up on fighting years ago, and came to the conclusion that everything was her fault, and her father could never seem to say it wasn’t her fault.

“Maybe you should try to understand how she feels”

“You’re being over dramatic”

“It’s hard being a parent”

No matter the context, the day, the time, or the argument, it seemed like her dad was more concerned about shutting her up than the fact that her own mother had drove her thoughts to dark and terrible places. But she had gotten used to the pain. Everyone who knew how hard it was for Elara had verbatim always told her “Stick it out, pain sucks, but it makes you stronger” and she had to physically stop herself from either hurling or hurling someone into the sun. The idea that pain would make her stronger angered her. Because she was fragile. She was used to pain but it never made her tougher, or at least she didn’t see it. To Elara, it was illogical to simplify pain like that. Everyone experiences pain in different ways, and thinking of pain as black and white was dangerous, out of touch thinking.

Whatever the case, she came to realize that she was not- in fact- a bad daughter. If she was, she would have used her superhuman advantages and blasted her parents out of existence a long time ago. Sometimes, she thought about what would happen to her if she had let the light coursing through her veins release from her fingertips right into her parents darkened hearts. Sometimes she thought about letting her mind loose, and using it to fling her parents out of her house and far up into the sky. But just as quickly as those thoughts came, they went away and were placed with an immense amount of disgust and horror. She never wanted to cause her parents pain no matter how much they caused her. She just wanted them to love her.

Elara decided to turn her pain, into endless amounts of love and humor. Besides being a natural comedian, she was genuinely caring. When she entered high school, she knew that everyone was going through something. And if anyone was going through a fraction of what she was going through, even if it wasn’t the same pain, she was there. Her friends could never understand how someone had the patience and resilience to continue to give support, regardless of whether or not she needed some herself.

Her experience in dealing with peoples pain and her own pain, led her down the path of psychology, which she would be studying in NYU. Getting into her dream school was incomprehensible, and well, a dream. When she got her acceptance letter she didn’t cry, or really react. It was like her brain had evacuated the premises and took a vacation. Everything felt unreal, and it wasn’t until the very long car ride had ended, and she pulled into the school lot that she realized she had made it.

The tears were almost as chunky as she was as they glided down her plush cheeks, some landing on her full lips. Quiet sobs racked her entire body as she put the car in park and continued to sob, a blissful smile gracing her lips despite the circumstance.

‘Deep breath’ she furiously wiped away her tears, the smile never leaving her now reddened puffy face.

“I made it.” A long sigh escaped her body, a sigh she had been holding for years. Just like the pain of herself and others she had let it go. She had an opportunity to start over. THE opportunity to start over. She might not have had anyone here to help her move in, but just like everything in her life before today, she was ready to take it head on.

Only, she didn’t have to.

As soon as Elara stepped out of her Nissan Versa, she was met with the smile of a kind brown face.

“Hello! Welcome to NYU, my name is Maria I’m a sophomore here, and I’m going to be helping you settle in today!” She was a very pretty girl, with a thick head full of long brown tresses. She adorned thick black glasses similar to Elara’s, except unlike Elara the bridge connecting the two frames was gold. She was wearing a purple ‘NYU’ shirt that seemed to be a little to big for her as she had tied the excess of the shirt off with a black hair tie. The rest of her look was a complementary pair of blue jeans that had a “#NYU” patch sewn into her front side pocket, and a pair of slightly worn out black vans. Elara smiled at Maria and reached out to shake her hand.

“Hello, I’m Elara.” She spoke simply and firmly, her handshake matching the energy of her introduction. Elara could tell that Maria had a generous soul from looking at how excited she seemed to meet her, and it made her all the more excited for new friends and new opportunities.

“Elara is such a beautiful name, and it fits you so well!” Maria smiled before continuing “I’m apart of the NYU Admissions Department, and like I mentioned before I’m here to help you move in! Our department was made to help incoming students feel a little bit less stressed, and get a little more help because we understand how strange this transition can be.”

The way Maria’s eyes lit up as she was talking to Elara made her realize that she was finally in a place where she could be just as happy if not more about helping people.

“So, in about two minutes Bryce, Kara and Kaiden are gonna help you move all your stuff up to your dorm, but in the meantime follow me to the front so we can get your dorm key and your key card yeah?” The pep in Maria’s step couldn’t have been hidden if she tried as she started towards the direction of the check in area.

“So, what’s your major sis?” Elara realized that Maria never told her, and she was silently hoping they would share the same one. “Oh shoot that’s right, I forgot to tell you. I’m a Biology major. I’ve been obsessed with the subject since I knew it existed. I didn’t know you could major in it until my junior year of high school though, as dumb as that sounds.” Elara had to laugh, because it sounded like something she herself wouldnt have realized either.

“That’s not dumb, believe me I would have never known either.” She sighed before continuing “I guess that means since you’re a sophomore and a bio major this is probably the last time we’ll see each other on this gigantic campus.” Elara was sad at the prospect that it seemed likely they’d never speak again, but when she peered over at Maria she was met with a warm smile. Maria pulled out her phone and pulled up the number pad.

“That doesn’t have to happen. Here, put your number in. If you want to hang out or if you want a refresher about what’s on campus let me know.”

The smile that stuck itself to Elara’s face was the biggest she’d had in a very long time. She couldn’t place the feeling. It was like a bubbling in the pit of her stomach. A warmth that had spread all over her body.

Ah,

hope. The feeling was hope.

It was pretty funny. Hilarious in fact. Peter had spent the last 6 months after getting a full ride to NYU, trying to convince his Aunt May that he’d be okay. That NYU wasn’t all that far away, and living on campus wouldn’t be dangerous. That he could maintain the new normal of an adult life, and the old responsibility of being the part-time Friendly Neighbor Spider-Man (and the occasional Avenger). Peter wanted the full experience of a struggling college kid, but as he stood in his new empty dorm, he realized he had no idea what he was doing.

“Oh god” Peter put down the box of hangers he was carrying and sat on his empty extra long twin mattress. For the last five-ish years, Peter had lived based on instinct and responsibility. Everything in his high school life was so hectic, nothing ever stopped for Peter. This new life of Peter Parker, the NYU Biochemistry Major wasn’t anything he was in the realm of being prepared for. Being Spider-Man sounded a hell of a lot easier than being a college freshman right about now. In his haze of assuring his Aunt that everything would be okay, fighting crime, finishing school, and preparing for the move, Peter hadn’t had the time to digest his new reality. He was starting a whole new life.

Well, not whole new.

Ned and MJ would both be attending NYU as well as a Computer Science and Psychology Major respectively (surprisingly this was completely coincidental and unplanned on their part.). And of course he would still be active in his superhero role. But it was different. Peter was used to being on an invisible leash. The protocols Tony placed in all his suits, him mainly being stationed and secluded to Queens, and his Aunts overprotective nature never truly allowed Peter to experience independence. It was something he craved but wasn’t ready to experience.

And now he really didn’t have a choice.

“Come on Peter. You’re Spider-Man. If you can lay out Captain America you can get through move in day.” That’s what he tried to tell himself anyway. He may have had superpowers and a super I. Q, but he also had super anxiety and social anxiety. And the truth of the matter was that even though college allowed more freedoms and free time, he wouldn’t be able to solely rely on MJ and Ned for companionship. He needed to expand his horizons, try something way out of his depth.

It was time to integrate himself into society (well, campus life. )

Physics SUCKED. Elara may have had a stellar I.Q, and genius level writing and comprehension skills, but cold hard numbers were not her niche. Sure in high school her math and science skills were above average, but only slightly. They had put her in advanced math and science classes her freshmen year in high school, and it was all down hill from there. Every year, her teachers never let her drop down a level despite a vast amount of begging and pleading, so she spent most of her years acing all her subjects, but barely scrapping by in Math and science with a C+.

College wasn’t any different. She was struggling and embarrassed to her core about it. She was doing so subpar that her professor set up a meeting for her and a private tutor. Apparently this tutor was some kind of science genius as he was taking a science that wasn’t required to meet his hour requirements or his major. He just liked taking Physics. From what her professor told her, he was a very good tutor and would probably be the best option for her. Only problem? He tutored at the ass crack of the morning.

Well, she was being dramatic. 8 am wasn’t the ass crack of the morning. She was lucky that she didn’t start classes until 10 on most days of the week because she had previous hours stocked up from high school, but the thought of doing physics that early in the morning made her want to shoot herself.

So, when her alarm went off at 7 am for the first time in three months, she couldn’t control herself. Before she could open her eyes she crushed the alarm to a pulp with her mind.

“Shiiiiiit. I don’t have cash for a new alarm. “ she groaned and rose up from her bed, her warm marble comforter slipping from her torso. She knew it would end up being a good idea that she bought an alarm in the first place. She feared had she decided to use her phone alarm, it would have been bye bye for her cellular device. ‘Speaking of cellular device’ she thought, Elara unplugged her phone and the first thing she saw was a message from MJ.

Big Weirdo 🖤: Wake your butt up before you’re late for tutoring. You know it takes you 20 minutes to finish putting on your wig.

Just like Michelle to call her out. She was absolutely correct but still. Elara laughed and sent a quick ‘thanks I’m up 😂. And it only takes 10 now I’ve evolved.’ And let out a monster of a stretch/yawn combo.

Big Weirdo🖤: Good luck pooh 😪. Don’t forget the government knows when you masturbate.

Elara choked. If she wasn’t awake before her ass was awake now.

‘Uh well I guess it’s a great thing I don’t masturbate. 🤦🏾‍♀️’ She put her phone down and reached into her closet and drawers, pulling out her underwear and outfit for the day. She walked out of her room and into the common area, seeing that MJ’s door was wide ass open as always and despite the fact that she was texting her a minute ago, she was fast asleep. With a short laugh she quietly closed MJ’s door and went into their shared bathroom to take a shower and get ready.

She inspected her outfit intensely (a habit she swore she would break) analyzing every piece of clothing and how it laid on her body. In high school you would have never caught her wearing a pair of short jeans shorts, but here she was today doing that very thing. Tucked into her black jean shorts was a maroon colored plaid cami, which she’d accompanied with a black, long sleeved, ankle length cardigan. Did she have a pudgy stomach and huge thighs?? Yes. Was she insecure about it?? More than anything. She was a size 18 and some days that number would leave her crying in a mirror. She couldn’t find it in herself to ignore her round face and full cheeks, or her arm fat and stomach fat and well, fat fat. And when she could, her very sensitive skin would would laugh at her. “You thought” she could practically hear it saying as her eczema came back every time, angry and aggressive due to literally anything. Stress, heat, PMS, intense cold, perfume, yes even fucking laundry detergent.

But she was older now, and she forced herself out of her comfort zone. She wanted to work on herself so that she didn’t spend her first four years of freedom hiding in black jeans and pullover hoodies. She would try to not focus on the eczema scars covering her legs (on first glance they looked like freckles.). She would try not to fret over the slight discoloration on her face. It was a different day, and she would treat it as such.

Elara grabbed her backpack and phone, scuttling out of her dorm room off to find her new tutor.

Peter was nervous. It’s not like he hadn’t tutored anyone before, it was just how he felt every time he had to teach someone new. He hoped they didn’t hate him because he was a freshman, but logically he knew this was college, most people didn’t care. He hoped he could speak concisely enough to help whoever he was tutoring and without fail, every one of his previous tutored classmates commended him on the clarity in which he explained things. He tended to over analyze everything he did when it came to tutoring, but he had a stellar track record thus far. Despite all of these things, Peter could never seem to calm down the first day of meeting a new peer.

During the first month of school, his professors noticed his exceptional intelligence and suggested he try tutoring. Peter’s ears perked up at this because it was the opportunity he had been looking for. He promised himself he would branch out and try doing things that would -at first- make him feel uncomfortable, but could benefit him in the long run. His Physics tutor had suggested that Peter charge for his services, but it didn’t feel right. Sure, Peter was broke, but that gave him more incentive to not charge students. He knew how hard it was to keep change in your pocket during college, and he didn’t want to break some poor students bank just because they needed a little extra help. He accepted the suggestion and had been tutoring for almost three months. Peter decided when he started that he would tutor in the mornings so that he could patrol in the evenings and late at night. He knew it was probably annoying to the people he was tutoring, but it couldn’t be helped. Crime didn’t stop just because Peter wasn’t a 16 year old in spandex anymore.

He’d been up since 6 am running on 3 hours of sleep, anxiety, and sugary black coffee but he would manage. Besides, Peter had been in worse condition. He’d thrown on a black T-shirt that read “May the kg.m/s^2 be with you” in bold yellow lettering (a completely appropriate choice for tutoring physics) and a pair of dark blue jeans. He re-tied his black converse, slung on his jansport back pack and left his dorm ready for the day.

🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨

This story is my baby and I love her so very much 😪😊. This was super fun to write and I’m happy to exclaim that ITS THE LONGEST THING I’VE WRITTEN ON THIS APP!!! I’m excited for the future of this lil thing and hope you all are too.

As usual if you wanna be tagged let me know. And if you don’t then don’t be afraid to tell me 😊.

Also please y’all please understand. This is my first OC since I was a baby writer on Wattpad who had no idea what she was doing. If you guys would please leave feedback and reblogs it would mean the world to me.

It’s important to me that I mention the face/body claim for Elara Dawson will be Nerdabouttown!! Her name is Steph and her blog is beautiful and amazing just like her. You all should check her out, her energy is unmatched by anyone I’ve seen and you can feel it through the way she writes.

Here’s a link to her blog (please check her out 😊)

Taglist

@thememoireeofme @danandphiltheavengers @marvelmaree @thequeerishere555 @steveslulbaby @non-stop-imagines @canumoveurseatup-no @deansbbysblog @here-for-your-bullshit @melaninfics @thisismysecrethappyplace

#peter parker #peter parker x plus size reader #peter parker x poc #peter parker x oc #peter parker x original character #black!oc #black!reader #plus size!oc #original character #poc reader #plus size reader #college!au #college!peter parker #college!oc #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fanfic #peter parker x black!reader

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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angelnoel026 · 5 years

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Chapter 13

See how messed up this story gets. A women pack took my mother without her consent. I mean it's cool to have an all women pack, but not deadly killers. I always believed in Scott's view of being a werewolf, we dont kill we only save others even if there bad people. My plan was to kill Ashley for taking my mom and threatening me but I couldn't do it... or so I thought. Now about me becoming a true alpha... it says it would come to me when I was ready, I certainly wasn't ready back then but now, it feels pretty good to be like this, a true alpha. If you continue to listen to me tell my story you'll find out how I became a true alpha. Anyways after I had confronted Ashley she kept her word when she said for me to watch my back, she sent some of her girls to toy with me at school, even to get under my skin. Shall we continue? I arrive to school, I see Tommy in the parking lot and of course Danna is next to him. Didnt take him long enough to move on. I sigh and get out of the car. I walk past both of them, I can hear Danna laugh letting me know she's won. I scoff and continue walking. When I get to my locker Jules is there. "So how did Friday go?" She asks. "Uh.. it went great, got alot of work done.' I lie through my teeth. "I'm sure other stuff happened." She winks at me. I roll my eyes. Suddenly I smell something, a new scent, almost the same as Ashley's. I look down the hall and wouldnt you believe it, the 2 girls who were holding me back are here. Great.... they look right at me and give me evil grins. This should be fun. Brendan's point of view You wouldn't guess it but yes I was trying to search for dad, I searched all night still nothing, he couldn't of dissapeared like mom he couldn't. I give up my search and head for school, I'll continue later. Gosh I need a joint before I can face a teacher. Weed always keeps me calm and in control not to wolf out. I light a quick roach, splash water in my hair and run to class. When I get there I notice the boy from the wedding that was dancing with Katherine is in my class. I sit next to him. "Hey, you're Tommy right?" I ask. "Uh.. yeah and you are?" He asks. "Brendan Hale, Katherine's brother." He seems frightened because his eyes widen and gets fidgety. What did she tell him? "I uh.. gotta go." Tommy says quickly and gets up. I decide to follow him. He heads for the bathroom. "Do you have a problem?" I confront him. "She must of sent you here to kill me cause I found out, god why me?" Tommy says talking to himself. I put my hands up. "Whoa whoa who said I was gonna kill you? You knew my sister so a friend of hers is a friend of mine." I say. He looks at me. "Are you one too?" He asks. "Am I what? Ohh a wolf?" I chuckle flashing my eyes. Tommy freaks out. "Hey hey calm down I mean no harm I promise." I say returning back. "What do you want?" He asks. "Well now that you put it that way I want to know what happened on Friday between you and my sister. Did she tell you anything? Plus you haven't talked to her since then so I know something went down. " I say folding my arms. "Well we were studying and heard a bang and we went to check it out. Suddenly I saw a black wolf.. it was ready to kill us and before I know it Katherine became one too but she.. she scared it off. I dont know I've never liked a girl who was a supernatural creature before." Tommy admits. "An honest man I like it and believe me liking a supernatural creature takes alot of work but I trust you were not all bad." I say hoping to gain his trust. "I... I want to tell her how I feel but I don't know, is she gonna kill me or what if she decides to change me god this is too stressful!" Tommy yells covering his face. "Hey man, listen I know my sister better than anyone, she's kind, funny, can be alittle dark at times but I promise you she never wanted this, she was born this way and if you really like her for who she is then you'll stick by through the good and bad. Plus being a wolf isnt that bad even if she wanted to change you, if she was at death's grip I dont think she'd want to give you the bite. She really cares about you, I've heard her talk on the phone with Jules and trust me, when someone says your name or even mentions you her face lights up and I haven't seen her like that since our mother was kiddnapped." I say trying to calm him down. He looks at me. "Really?" He asks me. I pat him on the back. "Come on I'll take you to her." I say leading the way. Katherine's point of view I discovered alittle information about our 2 new guests. Their names are Carly and Tanya, both around my age, youngest of Ashley's pack and they really want me to suffer. In lacrosse they almost snapped my neck, they even spilled white out on my school work. They really are diabolical. When the last bell rings I run to the locker room to avoid them, it seems to work but I can them approach Danna, I listen in on their conversation. "Hey we heard you dont like Katherine Hale, we don't like her either, wanna ruin her life?" Carly asks. Danna laughs. "This is a joke right? Count me in, I did need a new clique of girls, you 2 will do just fine. Let's go." Danna says leading them away. "We have some plans of our own." Tanya says laughing. Great now I've got 3 bitches to deal with... wait what if they decide to change her. Fantastic another person who's life I'm ruining. I decide to follow them when suddenly the door opens, I prepare for it to be one of them, turns out it's Brendan. "What are you doing here?" I ask. "Someone's looking for you." Brendan says. I give him a confused look. Tommy follows behind him. My eyes widen. Brendan leaves us alone and shuts the door. "You'll thank me later." He says walking off. "H... hi." I say shyly. "Hey. So you're brother had a nice little chat with me." He says. I gulp. "What did you guys talk about?" I ask. "Well at first I thought you sent him to kill me for me knowing or something but he told me how you really feel." Tommy admits. "That can mean alot of things." I say. "Well he told me how you didnt want to be like this..is that true?" Tommy asks. "Yes and no... at first I didn't cause I didnt want to deal with wolf crap but now I kind of need it, I'm... in danger and I dont know what to do." I admit. "Hey.. it's going to be okay... listen I...I really like you... alot. I'm sorry for how I reacted., I just never seen a supernatural creature up close and I wouldnt of thought I'd fall for one. But I'm going to stick by through the good and bad, no matter how complicated this gets. That's if you let me in.. I understand if you hate me now.' Tommy says. My heart skips 2 beats, he has to be my soulmate or something. I chuckle softly. "I like you Tommy.... I like you a lot. " I say. He smiles at me. I settle the deal with a kiss. We kiss passionately again like the first time. He breaks the kiss and looks into my eyes. "Are you in control? I mean.. your not going to kill me are you?" He asks nervously. "No, in fact you're the reason I'm not killing anyone right now... your... your like my anchor." I say. He looks at me confused. "I'll have to explain it to you later." I laugh. "So exactly what kind of danger are we talking about? I'll help out at much as possible." Tommy says bravely. "Well.. to make a long story short. An all female pack wants me to join and if I don't there gonna either kill me or drive me insane to the point where I give up and join and I'm not gonna let either of those things happen." I say truthfully. His eyes widen. He feels lost for words. "I.. got you." He finally says. "Come on you can help me find my father, I think Ashley has something to do with him being gone. I'll explain more on the way." I say. We both head to my car and drive off. Tommy holds my hand the entire way even sneaks kisd to it, God I found a keeper. To be continued

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emilyquinn112 · 5 years

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Ghost and the Spider- a Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Peter Parker X Stark! reader

Summary: Peter and Y/N go to the same school and Peter has a crush on Y/N but Peter doesn't think Y/N knows he exists, that is until Peter gets his “Stark internship” and goes to germany to fight Captain America with Tony and Y/N

Hey everyone heads up this is my first fanfic so I hope it’s good and that you like it, also sorry if there’s any errors in this aswell, hope you all enjoy!

Warnings: a bit of violence, mentions of death,a bit of smut near the end.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Peter sat in his last class of the day thinking about Y/N Stark, the girl in his school he’d loved since the day he met her that in his mind didn't even know he existed. Peter heard the teacher call Y/N’s name and looked up to see Y/N quickly stand up out of her seat and walk up to the teacher saying something and then leaving the class and oddly enough looked directly at Peter as she walked out of the room. He wondered why she had to leave so suddenly and turned to his best friend Ned to ask him what he thought was going on, They both had no idea so they stopped their conversation and tried to pay attention to the lesson they were learning but Peter’s mind kept wandering thinking about what was going on with the h/c girl and why she specifically looked at him and him only as she left.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Y/N had gotten a text from her dad telling her that there was a fight among the avengers and that they along with a boy in Y/N’s class, Y/N’s friend from long ago, Peter Parker were going to Germany to stop Captain America and his team he had assembled from doing something bad. Y/N got out of the school and waved when she saw her dad’s assistant Happy Hogan waiting with a limo presumably with her Dad Tony inside waiting to brief her on what the plan was. She got into the back and sure enough there he was waiting for her with a brief case most likely holding her superhero outfit in it. It was a good thing too because she didn't assume that her dad brought the one thing that keeps her powers in check that wasn't the suit. From a very young age Y/N had been dealing with the aftermath of a lab accident which gave her the power to be able to dissapear,glitch randomly(unfortunately she had no control over that part) go through walls, and teleport. Those powers came at a cost though and she suffered through horrible pain every second of every day knowing that one day it would be that pain that would kill her. She looked over at her dad and asked what the plan was and Tony said that they were going to stop by Peter’s house and tell him and his aunt May that he won a “Stark Internship”. Y/N knew that his Aunt May would most likely believe that but she wasn't too sure if Peter would. She had known Peter for a long time and they were close when they were younger but slowly grew apart as the time went on and she knew he was quite smart, sometimes even smarter than her herself. She nodded her head and told her dad to get a move on with the plan and with that Tony told happy to drive to Peter's apartment.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Peter was very surprised when he saw a limo parked in front of his apartment building. He quickly brushed it off though and proceeded to walk into the apartment building but when he got into his apartment he was very shocked to see Tony Stark and Y/N sitting in his aunt May’s living room having a lively conversation, once they noticed Peter enter they all turned to him. Y/N got up and walked up to him and asked if they could talk in his room. Peter stood dumbfounded for a second but quickly recovered and stuttered saying that they could and led the way to his room.

Once they got into Peter’s room he motioned for her to sit on the bed so she sat down, then she told him about the plan that Tony had come up with and Peter was listening intently once she had finished he just looked at her and said “I-I cant go to Germany!” Then she simply asked him why not and he replied with “W-We have homework! We can't miss that stuff!” To which she just scoffed and said her dad was coming in and left the room.

Y/N’s P.O.V

Y/N stepped outside Peter’s Room and sighed in frustration, normally she wouldnt care when a plan didn't go as planned but this one frustrated her. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but she did want to be with Peter but they had drifted apart and wasn't sure if he even felt the same way. Then Tony and Peter came out of Peter’s room and headed towards the living room where May was then Tony said that Peter got the Stark internship and they needed to go to Germany for a week or so. Surprisingly May believed it and Peter said he was going to go pack and Y/N offered to help so they went back into Peter’s room. Once there Peter stood awkwardly and Y/N could tell there was something on his mind. She asked him what was wrong and he looked at her and said it was nothing and asked her to help him finish packing. She obliged and started to pack some of his stuff with him.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Peter could never tell Y/N he liked her, it would be too much of a bad idea and in Peter’s Mind he thought she couldn't possibly feel the same way so they finished packing and went back into the living room with all of Peter’s stuff. Then out of the corner of his eye he thought he had seen Y/N possibly dissapear for a split second and seem to move a little bit. He thought it must've been a figure of his imagination so he just brushed it off and continued with saying goodbye to May and going with Tony and Y/N to Germany with a secret section in his suitcase with his spider suit hidden away safe inside.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Y/N waited patiently on the private jet that her, Peter, and Tony were in that was headed to Germany and she was getting bored. She was to the point where she wanted to walk through one of the walls of the plane and drop all the way down to the earth out of sheer boredom and stupidity then she noticed that her dad, who was in his own private section, was fast asleep. She realized that her and Peter could find a bunch of stuff to do without her dad judging her for it. She walked over to where Peter was and tapped him lightly on the shoulder and asked what he was doing, then he just replied with a simple “nothing, just being bored out of my mind.” so Y/N sat across from him and suggested to play truth or dare and after a bit of Peter saying he wasn't sure he wanted to Y/N was able to convince him to. Y/N asked Peter truth or dare to which Peter replied with a simple “Truth”. Y/N then asked the question that had been nagging at her for a while: “do you like anyone? And if so who is it? And remember you have to tell the truth!” Then Peter’s face went tomato red and he replied with an “ilikeyoubuti’mnotsureifyoulikemebackornotandidontwanttoruinthis”. And then added that he felt stupid for saying that because he thought Y/N didn't feel the same way about him. Y/N was so shocked that he actually liked her back that it took her a few seconds to react to what he said but after a few seconds of Peter looking sheepishly at the floor Y/N grabbed Peter’s face and kissed him passionately, it only took a few seconds for Peter to deepen the kiss and pretty soon Y/N ended up being straddled in Peter’s lap. They didn't break the kiss for a while but when they finally did their foreheads were pressed together and smiling like idiots. Y/N had never felt so happy in her life, that's when her pain got suddenly worse and the glitching started.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Peter had no idea what was going on. One second he and Y/N were sitting with each other smiling then the next second Y/N is looking like a human glitch that’s in the most excruciating pain in the world. He ran foreward to try and grab her but she was glitching uncontrollably and he couldn't even put a single hand on her without it going right through her skin as if she was a holograph. She finally stopped glitching and fell on the floor writhing in pain. He rushed over to where she was and asked what she needed and she whimpered that she needed him to get her suit from her dad. He quickly went to Tony’s section of the plane to get it from him. He quickly woke him up and told him what Y/N said. Tony quickly opened the briefcase and took out a Grey suit and left a matching full face mask (that sort of looked like a prey mantis head) in the brief case, and they both ran to where Y/N was.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Once she had the suit on the pain got a bit easier to manage, she looked over at Peter who quickly wrapped her up in a huge hug and asked what had happened. She explained how she had gotten her powers and about how she is able to control them using the suit and her special sleeping chamber and finally how if she doesn't use those as much as possible she could die from the pain and the other side effects that she got from the accident. This caused Peter to hug her even more tightly and tell her he didn't want that happening to her and that he would try to prevent that from happening no matter what to which Y/N tearfully looked up at him and gave him a small smile. Tony had already gone back to his section of the plane so Y/N and Peter decided to sleep until the plane landed, Y/N looked up tiredly at Peter and he smiled and kissed her temple and told her to get some sleep. To which she tiredly yawned and curled up into Peter’s chest and drifted off to sleep.

Peter’s P.O.V.

They were still in the air for what seemed like the longest time and Peter had long woken up from his and Y/N’s little nap and while Y/N was still sleeping Peter wasn't able to so he lied in the reclining chair he and Y/N were in and wondered to himself how he had managed to be so lucky and have the girl he’s liked for the longest time actually have the same feelings as he did. He knew now that times would be a bit difficult for Y/N with her sudden glitching and other abilities that she couldn't control but looking at her peaceful expression he knew that no matter what he would always be there for the beautiful girl sleeping in his arms.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Y/N woke up to Peter lightly tapping her on the shoulder telling her that they were in Germany and so she tiredly got up and they got their stuff together to go to the hotel they would be staying at for the next little bit. As they got off the plane Y/N waved as happy gave them all a quick salute before going to put the plane in a place where it wouldn't get in anyone’s way. Then with Tony leading the way Peter and Y/N walked with each other looking at the scenery around them stopping to point things they liked out to each other. Unbeknownst to them Tony smiled to himself happy that his daughter had finally found someone who truly cared about her and would be able to protect her.

Peter’s P.O.V.

They arrived at the hotel and Tony said they each had different hotel rooms that were all beside each other and they could chose which rooms they wanted first. Peter and Y/N chose rooms beside each other and so that left Tony and Happy to the other two rooms. Once everyone was unpacked Tony said that he had to meet up with another member of the team before the big fight tomoro and that he would be out for a few hours but Happy would check in every hour or so to see how things were going. With that he left and Peter asked Y/N what she wanted to do which she replied with going downstairs to the pool they had there and swim and waterslide for an hour or so. Peter agreed and so they quickly went into their rooms to change, luckily he had decided to pack a pair of swim shorts in case they did end up going to a pool. He finished getting changed and grabbed a towel and went back out of his room. Y/N was already waiting outside and she smiled when she saw Peter walk out of his room. She punched his arm playfully and said she was gonna race him to the elevators and so they both started running to get to the elevators.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Y/N was actually kinda impressed first off Peter had a lot of muscles underneath those science pun t-shirts and sweaters he always wore, second off he was pretty fast, almost faster than Y/N herself. Probably due to Peter getting bit by a radioactive spider and getting the abilities that spiders have, and thirdly when they got to the pool and were swimming he ended up picking up Y/N and was quite strong despite his arms looking like spaghetti noodles. They stayed at the pool for a while and then decided to go back to their rooms and order a pizza and watch a movie. When they got outside their rooms Peter lifted Y/N’s chin upwards and kissed her softly, it wasn't long before the kiss deepend and they ended up having a makeout session in Peter’s hotel room, Peter led the way to the couch in his room and pulled Y/N onto his lap not breaking the kiss once. Then suddenly there was a knock and the door and Y/N got up to see who it was, most likely Happy, which it was and Happy told them that Tony wanted to see how they were doing and so after confirming that they were fine Happy left and Y/N realized they were still in their swimming clothes so she ordered the pizza, and after told Peter that she was going to her hotel room to change into proper clothes and that she would be back, Peter gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and said that sounded like a good idea and that he’d do the same. Then Y/N went to her room to get changed.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Y/N came back after a bit with the pizza she had ordered in one hand and a huge bottle of Pepsi in the other hand, she went over to where Peter was sitting on the couch looking through the channels to find a good movie to watch when he noticed Y/N come into the room he walked over to her grabbed the pizza boxes and the Pepsi and gave her a quick kiss on the lips then told her he couldn't find anything on the tv to watch. Y/N said she would connect her laptop to the tv then and connect it to netflix and find something on there to watch. They eventually ended up having a star wars movie marathon just because Peter had insisted on it. They sat on the couch with their pizza and pop and after they were done eating Peter felt his shoulder get heavy and he looked over to see Y/N had fallen asleep so Peter put his arm around her so her head was on his chest and turned off netflix and since he was starting to get tired too, decided to fall asleep too.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Y/N woke up to a bright light filling up the room and realized that when she tried getting up there was an arm holding onto her, smiling to herself she looked up to see Peter waking up and smiling when he noticed Y/N. Then

Y/N remembered that they had to fight Captain America and his team and hurried to get their suits ready. Y/N went to her room and got her suit and hood on and grabbed her mask to put on when it got closer to the actual fight, in her opinion her suit always reminded her of an updated version of a fencing suit and a Grey preymantis mask, the only normal thing about her suit was the hood, just a simple Grey hood attached to the suit. She got her boots on and went back to Peter’s room to see he was wearing his spidersuit. Y/N smiled a bit, so Peter hadn't noticed the briefcase in his bedroom that Tony put there yesterday yet. He looked at her and asked her why she looked so amused and she asked if he had seen Tony’s suit upgrade in Peter’s room. Peter’s eyes immediately lit up and he ran into his room to see the new suit. He shooed Y/N out of the room so he could change into the suit and he came out a few seconds later wearing the upgraded suit with his mask in his hand. Y/N told him his new suit made him look sexier and he pulled her into a bear hug and gave her a sweet kiss. Suddenly Tony was there clearing his throat to announce he was there and Y/N and Peter quickly separated looking embarrassed. Tony just said that it was go time and they all left and Tony told Peter and Y/N what he had in mind for an attack if Cap was beyond reason. Y/N just laughed thinking of all of the videos that her and Peter’s school showed of the captain whenever there was a lesson to talk about. Peter caught on to what Y/N was thinking about and started laughing too. Tony just smiled and rolled his eyes then continued walking down the hallway to the roof.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Mister Stark’s plan was actually a pretty good plan, if Captain America didn't want to be sensible Mister Stark would say underoos and Peter would use his web shooters to flip in the air while stealing Captain America’s shield and Y/N/N would go invisible and pop up beside the Captain and do whatever to try and get him off his balance. It would be risky especially if Y/N’s abilities got out of control by accident but Peter wouldn't let that happen as long as he was around. They all agreed to the plan and Mister Stark or Tony as Y/N called him all the time went to join the rest of the team and Peter and Y/N went to their hiding spot. From where they were Peter and Y/N could clearly see everyone. Peter asked Y/N if she could point out who was on their team and she replied with “you see the guy in the cat suit? He’s black panther or T’challa,Umm Black widdow’s the one with the red hair, the older looking guy in the silver version of my dad’s suit, he's on our side too, Umm the red alien looking guy Vision, and I think that's about it, everyone else is on Cap’s team. Got it?” Then Peter replied with a simple ok and just in time they heard Mister Stark yell “Underoos” and Peter swung in and flipped while using his webs to steal Cap’s shield and tie his hands together like mister Stark said. Y/N was no where to be found though and Peter started to get worried. Then suddenly Peter saw a flash of Grey and Cap fell over with a person who seemed to be his best friend rush over to him to see what happened. Then Y/N appeared beside Peter and stood there waiting to be noticed so Peter extended his hand for a high five which was soon given a high five. Then they got ready. The real fight was about to begin.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

After that “Incident” with cap falling over I knew people were gonna be mad. Tony, Peter and Me were most likely the main targets and I was very unsure of what the outcome would be. I looked over at Peter and he quietly asked me if I was sure I would be able to keep the glitches under control. I nodded and Peter grabbed my hand while we were waiting to see if they would fight or not. Then I heard on the other team Wanda asking falcon who Peter or “The boy dressed as a spider” was and if we were siblings or something. I instantly started laughing and Peter looked at me weirdly. Then I whispered what I had heard and he started laughing too. He then replied with “After this is done today we need to show those two we aren't siblings won't we?” I laughed and agreed. Then the other team started running towards ours.

Peter’s P.O.V.

When the other team came at us Y/N instantly vanished and I knew it wouldn't be good so I instantly started running like the rest of my team was doing. I swung up high to see if I could see Y/N but she was nowhere in sight so I swung into the dude that I think is Captain America’s best friend and noticed he had a freaking metal arm! It was cool but I got sidetracked and then I ended up on the ground with his metal arm around my throat. Suddenly his hand was gone and he was fighting what looked like air. Then I realized it was Y/N! Thank god she was there otherwise I would have passed out from metal arm guy choking me. Then I heard Mister Stark scream a guy named Rhodey’s name and Y/N looked up she instantly started running into the field where the guy with the silver iron suit was falling fast to the ground. She wasn't fast enough and he hit the ground before either Y/N or Mister Stark got to him. From here he looked like he was dead but I hoped he wasn't. He seemed really close to Y/N and Mister Stark. Then before I knew it a guy with a bow and arrows started shooting at me so I had to look away from Y/N and focus on arrow guy. Hopefully that guy was okay.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Rhodey was luckily still alive although me and Tony could have gotten there sooner. That would've helped alot. Anyways when Tony said Rhodes was okay I started running back to the big fight and just as I got there cap’s shield was headed towards me. I did what I had to do even though Peter and Tony would be mad at me. I glitched again. Once I glitched I couldn't stop. I started running back to the fight and that's when Peter noticed me. He shot one of his webs at me when I was visible and pulled me up to where he was before I could glitch back and got me to a safe place. When we were there he took off his mask and mine after. Then he grabbed my hands and pleaded with me to look at him. I did and he told me to focus on his eyes and nothing else. I did and my glitching came to a complete stop. I was safe from the glitching for now. Then Peter helped me stand up again and kissed me sweetly before pulling his mask over his face, picking me up, putting on my mask and swinging us back into the fight. we kept fighting and then a new guy named Scott Lang who could shrink himself to the size of an ant suddenly became bigger than even King-Kong himself! Luckily the night before me and Peter had been watching the original star wars movies so Peter got an idea from the “Empire Strikes Back” to wrap Lang’s legs up with his web shooters so he would fall over. It sounded like a good idea so that's what we went with. Peter picked me up and we swung around and wrapped Lang’s legs up and I told Peter to throw me at his legs so it would be a big impact and maybe knock him down. After a bit of convincing him I’d be okay he agreed and hurled me towards Scott’s legs. It hit the right spot and He fell backwards Peter got me with a web and made sure I got safely to the ground then he was up one on one with cap. I ran over to help and just as I got there Steve had Peter underneath a truck holding onto it so it wouldn't crush him. I quickly kicked Steve in the back of the knees and stole his shield and hurled it far away. Unfortunately what I had forgotten from when I first was fighting along side Steve is that his shield came back to him. It hit me straight in the stomach and I rolled onto the ground in pain. steve was walking over to me and so I kicked him in the balls and he fell over. I was able to get up and replace Peter by the truck and teleport away so the truck hit the ground. The I saw Steve and his friend from WWII Bucky Barnes running for a jet so I started running after them. Just as I did I saw T’Challa running after them as well but he got tazered by Natasha or Black widow. She tried to get me so I wouldn't be able to get them but I teleported past her. I tried running for the jet they took but I wasn't fast enough and they flew away the next thing I knew I felt a pain shoot up my spine and started passing out. The last thing I saw was Peter running towards me screaming my name and then my vision went black.

Peter’s P.O.V.

I ran towards her as that stupid Natasha tazered Y/N. I didn't even understand why she did it! It’s not like Y/N was a threat in any way! Besides Captain America and his friend were already gone going who knows where. I don't even understand why she did it! I finally reached Y/N and picked her up carefully she was still breathing luckily but I had a feeling that shock from the tazer wasn't good for

Y/N considering she was now starting to glitch again in my arms so I quickly carried her to Mister Stark. He fell onto his knees when he saw me carrying her. He must’ve thought she was dead or something, hey if I had seen someone carrying her the way I was I would react the same way. I told him what had happened and he said we needed to get her back to the stark tower as soon as possible. He told me that happy would bring me and Y/N’s stuff to the tower when we got there and he gave me a jet and typed in the coordinates for the Stark tower. he told me to strap Y/N into the co pilot seat and go as fast as possible to the tower, I said I would and Mister Stark left to go find Captain America. I Went as fast as I could and within a half hour we were at the Stark tower. I picked up Y/N and brought her into the tower, Happy was waiting at the front door and he showed me the way to the machine that she needed to be put in. I put her in and Happy pressed a few buttons, I was so worried about her. I didn't know if she was alive or not I just knew I had to stay here until I knew for sure.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I woke up and I didn't know where I was. Well at first that is. After a few seconds I figured out I was at my power chamber at my dad’s place, I hadn't been here in two years and was surprised I remembered where I was. I opened my chamber and stepped out. I was surprised to see Peter sleeping in a chair by the chamber. I guess he must’ve brought me here, I wouldn't be surprised, especially because of the events in the “civil war” we’d had I’d say a day or two ago. then something came over me that may have seemed a bit cruel but I didn't have control over what I was doing so I fiddled around with the buttons and got inside my chamber again my chamber started making failure noises and beeping loudly. I pretended to go to sleep just as Peter woke up and just as he went to the chamber’s panel it said “system failed patient is now gone”. I shouldn't have done that coz Peter yelled, kicked the wall, and stormed out of the room. I couldn't believe what I had just done.

Peter’s P.O.V.

I couldn't believe she was gone. I thought we could get at least a couple of years together but no. Two days. Two. Fucking. Days. Why did her power chamber fail? What went wrong with it? How was I supposed to continue on acting okay around everyone when the love of my life, my girlfriend, was now dead. All because of a faulty power chamber. I was outside on the roof of Stark tower, sitting on the edge of it, trying to figure out what had happened when I heard footsteps coming onto the roof. Shit it must be Mister Stark. He must’ve found out what happened to Y/N. I stood up with fresh tears ready to spill over my eyes but when I turned around I saw the best thing in the entire world. My beautiful, alive, and for some reason hesitant girlfriend. I ran over to her and picked her up spinning her around as tears were spilling out of my eyes. I put her down and noticed she was crying aswell. I put my hand on her cheek and used my thumb to wipe away the tears that were sliding down her cheek. Then I leaned in and kissed her like I never thought I would kiss anyone in my life. I needed her and she needed me and I wasn't going to let anyone or anything take her away from me.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was happy to say the least. The whole Germany ordeal was over, cap’s team for the most part was locked up, Cap and Bucky were with T’Challa in his country Wakanda fixing Bucky, and Me and Peter were in the happiest relationship we had ever been back in Queens. Currently we were sitting on my bed watching Netflix and were starting to get a little bored to be honest. Then Peter noted that my mom Pepper was out of the house for the weekend. I asked him what he meant by that to which he replied with “your mom’s gone therefore we can do whatever we want” and gave me one of his very rare suggestive smiles that he only ever used when he had something bad in mind.

Peter’s P.O.V.

Peter had the perfect thing in mind for the boredom cure. He picked Y/N up and moved her onto his lap. Then before she could reply he started kissing her, deepening the kiss. Y/N started to pull Peter’s shirt off over his head and so he broke the kiss for a second just to get it off and to get Y/N’s off aswell. Peter started making a trail of kisses down Y/N’s jaw and down her chest. Then he looked up at Y/N as if to ask permission to take her bra off and Y/N nodded. Peter stared in awe and said “oh god you're so beautiful Y/N/N”. Then they were kissing again. Y/N tried undoing Peter’s pants and so Peter helped get them off. Then Y/N’s pants were off leaving them only in their underwear. Peter’s hands traveled down Y/N’s body stopping at her underwear. Looping his finger underneath the top and pulling them down Y/N’s legs. He began to rub circles on Y/N’s clit, her wetness spreading onto his fingers. Y/N moaned loudly, unable to stop herself from bucking her hips up against him. Peter kissed a trail down Y/N’s stomach stopping right where she needed him. Peter kissed Y/N’s inner thighs before licking a stripe up Y/N’s clit. Y/N moaned even louder. Peter used his left hand to hold Y/N’s hips down while his right hand pumped in and out of Y/N slowly. Just before Y/N reached her orgasm she pulled Peter up and he gave her a confused look. “I don't want to cum yet” Y/N simply said. Flipping over so she was on top of Peter. Y/N pulled off Peter’s boxers Y/N kissed the tip of Peter’s dick and Peter’s eyes went wide. “Babe, you don’t have to if you don’t want- oh, fuck,” Peter hissed as Y/N took him into her mouth, swirling and bobbing her head up and down using her hand to pump the rest of his length that she couldn't reach. “Ah fuck Y/N!” Peter cursed and Y/N could tell he was getting close. “I’m gonna cum, so unless you want me to cum in your mouth I would stop,” Peter said between grunts and Y/N released him from her mouth with a pop. “You’re absolutely amazing Y/N” Peter said catching his breath. “Dammit, do you have a condom?” Peter asked a little frustrated with his carelessness in forgetting such a thing “I’m on the pill, please Peter, just fuck me,” Y/N breathed heavily. Peter breathed a sigh of relief, both of them happy that they didn't have to stop since they didn’t have condoms. He began to slide his tip up and down Y/N’s slick, excruciatingly slow before he aligned himself with Y/N’s entrance and pushed into her. It was slightly uncomfortable as he stretched Y/N’s walls out since she hadnt had sex in a while. Peter noticed the look on pain on Y/N’s face and he stopped pushing in immediately, looking at Y/N in concern. “Are you okay? Do I need to stop?” He asked and Y/N smiled at how loving and caring he was being. She had never been with anyone like that before. “No I’m good, it’s just been a while,” Y/N explained. “Keep going.” Peter nodded and pushed himself in all the way, earning a moan from the both of them. He began to move in and out of Y/N slowly, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, giving him the go ahead to go faster and harder. “Oh, fuck,” Y/N moaned out as he began to slam into her, pleasure radiating throughout her body. Y/N ran her nails down Peter’s back as he pounded into her, her bed frame hitting the wall repeatedly. Y/N knew that neither of them were going to last very long at this rate, but they didnt care. The sounds of skin against skin filled the room, along with both of their moans, and Y/N was suddenly glad that neither of her parents were there. Y/N had no doubt that even with her own floor, they would’ve still heard what was going on. “I’m gonna cum, babe,” Peter voiced, still fucking Y/N so hard she knew she was not going to be able to walk tomorrow. “Me too, please don’t stop,” Y/N cried out, and Peter latched his fingers in between

Y/N as he brought both of them to their climaxes, his warm cum filling Y/N as her walls clenched around his dick. He pulled out slowly, a bead of sweat dripping off his forehead as he collapsed on the bed beside Y/N. Both of them were breathing hard as Y/N came down from her high, their hands still latched together. He turned his head and looked at Y/N, smiling.

“What?” Y/N giggled. “We waited too long for that” Peter laughed and kissed Y/N on the forehead.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

later that day me and Peter were hanging around my house figuring out what to do next and that's when Peter got a call from Ned. I told Peter to put him on speaker and he did. P-“Hey Ned what's up”

N- “dude where have you been the past week?!? Y/N wasn't there at all for some odd reason! Everyone’s coming up with theories about where she is and I wanna know yours since you y’know like her.”

Before Peter could reply I walked over to him and said to Ned “Hey Ned! Its Y/N, I was in Germany hanging out with Peter and my dad, y’know for Peter’s internship thing? Ya that's where we’ve been.” Then Ned replied with “Oh hey Y/N you should disregard what I said about theories and Peter. He doesn't like anyone. Like at all.” Beside me Peter rolled his eyes and laughed. Then Peter said “Ned, Y/N is my girlfriend now, has been since Monday night.” To which Ned replied with an “oh my god! Go Peter! Whoop whoop! I knew it would happen!” then Ned said he had to go so we said goodbye to him and hung up. After Peter put his phone away He turned to me and wrapped his arms around me and tilted my head up to kiss me when there was a knock on the door. Peter looked at me concerned and I told him I would get it so he followed me to the door. I opened it to see none other than my Dad at the door. When I opened it he broke out into a huge smile and told me some very interesting news. He and my mom were getting back together.

#peter parker #spiderman #captain america civil war #peter parker imagine

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caskit2 · 5 years

Text

Fuck this mountain bro!

All of my thoughts are just spilling out of my head and I’ve been sitting in my own puddle of “drama juice” for the past few weeks just thinking about all the past crap in my life that makes me feel the way I do in the now.

Im not going to sugar coat anything,

I tried to kill myself more than 5 times, and only 1 out of 5 attempts i was almost successful...ALMOST...becuase i was restrained by my 5th grade coach and was about to hang myself from the bleachers. The rest of the attempts were later on in my teen years and adult life. ( all attempts were not stopped by other people but from me)

Since I am a suicide survivor, i will never recover. I will always be “in recovery”. And every time I think of dying, I become more and more convinced that next time I could end up going through with it.

There are so many variables that contribute to my suicidal tendencies.

dealing with parental divorced, and inherited Disorders as well as my own personal drama became the outcome that made me fear positive relationships and relish in toxic behavior.

My trust was distroyed and I have intense PTSD flashes and suffer seizures from past sexual assault on two occasions. 1 by my friend, she violated me when i was 10 yrs old and she was 7 years old. 2 being In pre-school, I remember trying to stop a 17 yr old guy from unzipping my pants. Since then, I feared affection and physical touch.

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I now live in a house with a family that puts me down, neglects and ignores my mental illness, and its a toxic situation, and thanks to my own needs being ignored (intense flashes of PTSD and intense depressive episodes) I was forced to put myself down for the sake of others!

I wanted to die and to this day, Im still considered suicidal. In fifth grade I wanted to die because I hated what i was put through, what was done to me, and never got closure! But it was all ruined, I was restrained and forced to stay and live!

I was forced to live and listen to others who yell at me for being suicidal

“whats wrong with you? Your life is great, theres nothing wrong!”

“your just a brat and your being a really selfish person! how could you be so cruel!”

“ how would I be able to tell the kids or your family that they dont have you anymore, that your never coming home, that your gone forever!”

“I gave you everything! and this is how you repay me?”

“ killing yourself is the cowards way out! anyone who kills themselves are cowards and fools that never had appreciated life!”

“you just want attention”

................

Those comments are all from family and strangers, and I saw everyones true colors when Robin Williams killed himself. And i knew that there would be people who would say shit about me when i died.

So now I will show MY true colors.

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I never asked for this life!

I never asked to be the way I am

I didnt ask ANY GOD to give me ability to see and hear things that others dont know!!

I never wanted to have friends, or be popular, I never wanted to be liked!

I wanted to be hated! I wanted to be left alone! I wanted to be invisible!

BUT I WAS FORCED!

I WAS FORCED to chose my moms side or dads!

I WAS FORCED to blindly follow lies made by my family!

I WAS FORCED to stay on this earth...and I WAS IGNORED even when i stayed!!

I gave everything to anyone and everyone, I put friends and family above the water while i drowned beneath. And I DIDNT WANT THEM TO SAVE ME STILL!

I wanted to make others happy, I wanted to give everyone a chance, BECAUSE THEY WERE THE ONES WHO WOULDNT LET ME LEAVE!!....

But in the end...Im a fool for living......I had a chance to end it all before I could get this far!! But now I cant bring myself to die!!

If i died at 11 years old:

I wouldn't have to deal with the bullying,

I wouldn't have to deal with raising my sister

I wouldn't have to deal with my parents and their toxic abusive relationships

I wouldn't have to go through remembering the trauma of being violated by a minor AND a Teen!

I wouldnt have met any of my friends that i have now!

I never would get to come out as gay and demi-ace

I never would have got to transition!

.........And i would never get to hear anyone call me a coward and a fool for killing myself......because I would be what I wanted...

To be GONE!......

“why stay on a planet full of people that insult me and break me apart? Now THEY are killing me and i have no more control. If they make me stay, then make those people listen......Becuase if they listen, then let me be whole..and i’ll stay” -Caskit

#personal shit #caskits ranting again #warning #Suicide attempts and past attempts #Triggering content but no pictures

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nobleofthemanor · 5 years

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Self help doesnt always work

When I was born my parents weren't in a stable place. My dad 20, strung out on heroine and was a dealer himself. My mom was 19 almost 20. Both grew up in abusive, neglective, and manipulative house holds till they married at 18. Neither had very great examples of parenting. My dad was either partying (sometimes at our home) or doing drugs. He did some things that Im not comfortable sharing on the internet, mostly because it's not my place to say it.

My surrounding family wasnt very stable either. My mom did her best to raise me and two sisters, but after my second sister was born she had a 2, 1 and newborn. I dont remember if she was trying to do college or not, but I know she was going through alot on top of raising kids.

My parents life changed drastically a few months before my 3rd birthday. My dad was busted and my mother was arrested with him. On the way to meet the cops my dad had given his life to Christ. Now this didnt mean he stopped struggling with his drug addiction. It took him roughly 6 months to truly quit, but he did. It was a hard six months as they had to deal with themselves and their relationship. (They almost divorced at one point).

Eventually my family reached a point of stabillity. My dad became a pastor at the church that had supported and guided him in his walk with christ. He also joined another ministry and started helping people who struggled the same way he did.

Id like to state both my parents had alot of issues. Both had to deal with their abusive past, parental issues, trust issues. They also had sepererate issues that the other did not have. but fast forward 15 years, with the help God, the wounds have healed.

My dad is no longer in drug ministry, but has taken on a more adminastrative role in the church. My family is still together and closer than ever. Also, in a few months my parents will celebrate 21 years of marriage and over 25 years of being together. My great granfather and great grandmother have both given their lives to christ(something my dad has been praying for since they were the ones who raised him). I graduated Highschool ast year and one of my younger sisters is about to graduate highschool and is hoping to join the airforce.

Im in college now and currently working in a preschool that my church runs. I love every moment of it.

While this is my wholesome storry it doesnt quite end there.

You see, while my parents had dealt with their issues and had healed. I had not.

My dad was saved when I was 3. So, for those three years of my life I lived in that really unstable enviroment. I suffered constant nightmares. I was also being somewhat raised by my grandparents, as they were usually baby sitting us when my mom and dad went to work/school. I was also the first born to two people who had bad examples of parenting. Basically, the trial run/expeirement I dont remember much of those three years, but I do know living in that enviroment for those years really affectted me growing up. However, my sisters were lucky as they were to young to be affected.

Growing up I was a really overly emotional child. I got angry and violent quickly. I had an attention span of 2 seconds. I tended to easily take things personal. I was really chatty and wuth drawn at the same time. I tended to be a loner at school. I was terrified of many things. When I was about 7/8, maybe 9, I dealt with feeling like my family would have been better off with out me and started physically seperating myself from my family. Eating at a seperate table when we sat at the four seater table or staying several feet behind if we were walking somwhere. Whenever my paeents would get on to me, I would try to make my self small by putting myself into a corner. I was always anxious like I should be on the run. I was/am constantly second guessing myself. I had broken record in my head that I was never enough. There are alot of other things that I cant think of at the. All in all it was just general behaviors that werent normal. I wasnt a normal child to begin with, but these were big clues that I was dealing with stuff and not coping very well. Im sure I have some form of anxiety and ADD. Though I highly doubt it, I wouldnt be surprised if someone told me Im autistic. On top of it all I had the pressure of putting on a good face as a pastor's kid, which didnt help.

As I got older I tended to become obsessed with things. When I was 11 I became addicted to anime and did things Im not proud of. It was a bad coping mechanism and I ended up wasting about 4 years of my life living in my room. Dont get me wrong, there were good times when I first started getting into it, but at the end of those 4 years I was a borderline fem-neckbeared I even had a fedora. I realized how much time Id wasted and manage to break the addiction, but the issues were still there.

My parents did there best to help me. I saw two different therapist one my parents made me visit as a kid and one I asked for as a teen. I stopped going to them for different reasons. My parents couldnt afford itanymore. And the second one was because I didnt see any change.

Both of these therapist were in my small town. Both were men, and both knew who my parents were. It made talking to them and opening up hard. So I stopped going.

Fast forward to six months ago. I started college and a new job. Both required my full attention forcing me to stop going to church and quit my volunteer work. I couldnt keep up and my anxiety was always present. Especially since I felt like I couldnt keep up with the fast paced required there. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't take this feeling of being broken any more, so I asked my mom about seeing a therapist again. At first Mom was against it, I was at the point where I would take whatever medicine if it meant this insanity would stop. Mom is the type who doesnt rely on meds or people, she and God can fix it. She did eventually agree and we found a therapist. A wonderfull woman whose office is located in a learning center for autistic kids. Which is really cool.

The two of us instantly clicked and I enjoy my visits. I do my best to follow her advice. She has been the first person to truly tell me, your feelings are vallid. I can honestly say Ive improved more in my six months with her than I did in 18 years of trying to fix myself. My relationships and my life gratefull.

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imnotavampire97 · 5 years

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long, but possibly helpful.

ive been through a lot recently and have done a whole lot of thinking about whether or not ill ever be happy. I always tell others “you’re in control of your happiness” and “you’re the only one who can change it”. I know in my heart that is true, but sometimes i really don’t know what makes me happy or what i can do to be happy.

But I know that I truly am in control of my own emotions. I cannot let anyone take away from my energy, my love, my light.

Ive gone through a very rough time in my life. 21 years of nonsense. Yes, there are absolutely beautiful moments in my life, and i am dearly grateful. I enjoy them when they happen, because living in the moment is what it’s all about. I read a quote once somewhere that said, “The past nor the present exist aside from in your mind. The only true moment is now,” or something like that.It stuck with me for so long, and when i’m down and out i think of that. Nothing in the past truly exists anymore, nothing in the future is set in stone.

Even with all this in my mind, my past comes to haunt me all too much and all too often.

I suffer from bipolar type 2, which is pretty much just a mix of anxiety and depression. You can be really happy for a day, a week, months, even. But then one day, one little thing can trigger you into this pit of darkness, where you’re suffocating and you cant get out. It is a major issue that has been in my life for three years now, stemming from a mixture of my father’s actions as a child (and even now), and one of my ex’s and his behavior,

My depression has been a problem since i was 11, probably even before that. I had no friends. My parents argued more than not and it usually ended with a physical fight between my parents. As a child i had no idea what was going on. Yelling and violence were common among our household; I knew no different. I went through a very long period of my life where i was just confused and sad all the time, and i thought it was normal, so sadness was essentially all i knew.

I was a very “obnoxious” child. I was over the top friendly, and just wanted to share my love, innocence, and happiness with everyone. Other kids didn’t like me, I was loud and talked a lot. A time came where I truly felt like if i died, everything would be so much better. For my parents, for the kids at school, even my siblings. I didnt want to live, and i had realized that life goes on without me. I felt dead on the inside. I tried to jump out of a three story window (being 11 i had no idea that if i had jumped, i wouldnt have died, just most likely been severely injured). My dad came into my room to me with a leg out the window. He yelled and yelled, and told me if i wanted to die he could make it happen. He picked me up and i clung to the window frame. After a minute he put me down and went to try and take his own life, Among the tears and the yelling, my mother came in and resolved the situation. I say resolve, but it was just more arguing between her and my father until they finally gave up with one another and my dad left for the night. It was a common reoccurring situation.

My dad wasnt ever there for me emotionally. Nurturing is not in his vocabulary. He would call me names, hit me, yell at me, and blame me for his failing marriage. I know now that none of it was my fault. He was a drug addict for most of his life, and to be quite honest, he still is. I love him and pray for him every day, even though he was awful to me, because at the end of the day he is my father, and i love him, even though he doesnt show that he loves me too.

My exboyfriend is a really long story, but in an nutshell, he was sexually and mentally abusive. I met him through my old roommate, and he and i really hit it off. We traveled all over the state and even got to move to a new state where we tried to start our life. I was 18 and he was 26. I was young, naive, and really just looking for love in the places i never had it. He raped me on multiple occasions, used me for my apartment and my money, cheated on my multiple times, had violent fits of rage, breaking things and hurting himself, and at the end, he ran away to another country with his new girlfriend, Mind you, he left a day after we broke up. He shut down any thought i ever had, made me get rid of my phone and stop talking to people all together except my mom.

It got to a point of me being so isolated, that I had no thoughts in my mind except that the only way out was to take my own life and let myself have some sort of peace. I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, contemplating how i could do it, when all of a sudden, one thought popped into my head. “Go to the hospital. Ride your bike to the hospital, and tell them you’re a danger to yourself.”

After a moment of thought, i put my shoes on, grabbed my bike, and rode as fast as i could to the nearest hospital.

And that was the best decision I have ever made.

I got counseling, went to therapy for a while, and gained a pretty good handle on my metal state. I started doing things for me, not for anyone else’s happiness.

Since then, I have gone through losing multiple jobs, being homeless, wrecking my ex’s car (a different ex), multiple break ups, and losing all my friends, even ones from 8 years ago. But as of now, I have a decent job, a roof over my head, a wonderful, loving boyfriend who cares for me dearly, a perfect dog, and I am finally beginning to love myself the way i deserve. I am getting myself on track, and i am learning from my mental illness and fixing the problem myself. It may not be now, or soon, but over time i will get there.

There is so much more to my life story that would take forever and a day to type out. The point I am trying to make is, suicide is NEVER the answer. There is someone out there, even if its just the voice in the mist of your mind, cheering you on, loving you, caring about you. I dont know what saved me that day in Colorado, but I am so thankful, so blessed, and so happy that i didnt end it. Tomorrow is a new day. You can do so much in just one day. You whole world can get turned upside down in a good way, or even in a bad way, But its alright! Because theres always a way out. Even if its not clear to you in the moment, it will become clear to you when it needs to. Stay mindful, stay patient. Good things will come your way, I promise. You can’t reach to heaven if you haven’t gone through the worst parts of hell. You really do need that balance between bad and good. You cannot cherish the good the way you need to if you haven’t experienced the bad. Life is one big learning lesson, and the only way to learn is to pay attention and stay strong in the moments where you find yourself the weakest.

Go out and ride a bike with the wind flying in your face, smash some plates on the ground, run as fast as you can until you cant take it anymore, stick your head out the window on a car ride and feel that air, get that adrenaline rush and feel alive. Remind yourself that you ARE ALIVE. You have 86,400 seconds in a day, make every single one count as if it was your last.

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