#i worked very hard for many years to get better abt taking compliments

[m4rkiza]

pile of headcanons

bunch of raihan/leon headcanon nonsense from my twit*r

theres alot under the cut, warning : its cheesy, also, i headcanon raihan calling leon "bubu"

Raihan is really good at baking and leon is great at cooking savory & spicy food, raihan likes spicy food and leon likes baked goods, they complete each other

Leon so thick and firm he'd be so good to hug and raihan took advantage of that, holding his bubu until leon complains or whine, yknow when ur pet looks so cute and u hug them, like that

leon contacts name on raihans phone is like "♥💖my bubu♥💕", but raihans contact name on leons phone is "Raihan" with capital R

raihan complained about it, showed leons contact name on his phone, leon is surprised bc he thought his contact name on raihans phone is just "Leon" or "Lee"

then leon changes rai's contact name too "🥰raihoney💖

leon doesnt look like the guy who'd be extra on hair and skin treatment, the reason his hair and skin (especially his hair) is unbearably soft and shiny is bc raihan kept reminding him to do so (and buying it)

sometimes leon act spoiled so raihan will do an entire haircare for him

yes raihan do it bc he loves leon unconditionally and he thinks leon deserves it

raihan has a dirty mouth and uses every swear word but for some reasons, around leon all he can say is "jerk" "ugly" and "dumb"

raihan does that bc all he remember when hes with leon is pet names and how-to-coo-and-woo-your-boyfriend

raihan being leons moral compass feels fitting, not bc leon is dumb but bc leon himself is swallowed by his own title and got the hero complex, making him selfless and have a hard time to say no

raihan is there to "what the fuck are you thinking, dont do that baby, you'll die"

but leon seems stubborn yes? he wont listen if people just say "no", he'd ask the reason why, and if the said person doesnt give a clear answer, he leaves but raihan always tries to explain him in full description, short & long lasting damage, consequence etc

so obviously leon listens, and as time goes by, raihan is.. his moral compass, in a way

raihan playfully growls while squeezing leons body parts but its definitely not so playful in leons mind

raihan always ask leon to wear his freshly-washed-hoodie at sunday so when he go to work at monday, his hoodie will smell like leon

raihans laugh is like "aha haha haha *low volume wheeze* phew heehee" and leon got a laugh that can trigger an earthquake

Raihan sneeze like a kitten while leon sneeze like a buldozer

Leon muffles his laugh by hugging raihan so it wont surprise anyone around them

leon demanding affection from raihan by giving him stupid empty threats

leon : Kiss me or ill

raihan : u will what

leon : i-i will shrink your hoodie and make it mine

raihan : no, now come here bubu

In reality, leon doesnt need to do "things" to get raihans attention, raihan told him he can just ask or "just sit on my lap or tug my shirt and ill cuddle and kiss you till the next day", but leons ego is too high for that so he does stupid shit instead

raihan is very loved by leons family bc surprisingly hes able to stop leon and hop from fighting

if u ask how, raihan simply pick up leon up and walk away

aihan is the only guy who leon will listen too and got called as the "champion tamer"

but all raihan do is just

raihan : bubu, no

leon : no..?

raihan : leon. no

leon : no...

then nag him softly while explaining the consequences, sometimes short and long term effect it depends on the situation

leon is stubborn, so it took sometime to convince him that his plan or an action he almost took to partake is very impulsive or doesnt give a good result

the thing is leon is not stupid, infact hes quite brilliant, therefore its hard to convince him if a person who tries to stop him doesnt have a similiar mind like he is, but thankfully theres raihan

for some reasons raihan is able to found leon in any occasion so the league staff ALWAYS calls him whenever leons gone

league staff : mr rai-

raihan : is it leon

league staff : yes

raihan : im on my way

leon likes to ask raihan for hairbands bc he kept losing them

raihan : bubu, isnt this your third time asking for them this week

leon : ....yes..?

raihan spoiling leon bc he feels he wants to make up for him, bc he wasnt available near leon when fought eternatus

leon follows raihan everywhere in the winter and kept pressing himself to him, whenever raihan question whats wrong leon just looked him in the eye and "im warming you up"

leon is small by raihans perspective but he hugs leon tight anyway

raihan is possessive of leon hes THAT hot, charismatic yet very adorable, leon is the one who keeps his chin up and soothe his fears, and hes the champion, everyone wants the champion, u think he'll let go that easily? no, never

and leon is probably possessive too, raihan is a hot nerd, affectionate and gentle, hes the one who push him to his best, the one who also stops him for doing too much, hes his source of comfort and he wont let go and wont let anyone take his raihan away from him for sure

10 years of friendship and healthy rivalry means 10 years of being on each others live, being one of the biggest contributor and supporter for the other, who pushes to the limit yet stopping when one is too close to the edge of the cliff

no matter if its platonic or romantic, they wont let anyone take their rival, friend and lover away that easy, you wont let anyone try to take away one of the important and huge part of your life

raihan big, so hes the big spoon, he loves cooing right at leons ears and kissing the back of his neck, shoulders and sometimes reaches forward to press a sloppy wet kiss to leons cheek

leon crying to raihan when he founds out raihan smokes when hes stressed out, and begging the other to stop and talk to him instead or cope with healthier way

raihan doesnt need an alarm clock to wake him up, leons just need to grin and say "good morning!" its so bright it WILL wake him up

raihan and leon lives together and since then the outfit leon has on his wardrobe is a collection of formal tailored outfits and his battle tower outift, some booty shorts and work out clothing, and obviously underwear and socks.the rest he just stole from raihan

especially t-shirts, hoodies, and jacket, raihan seeing him walking and opening his wardrobe after shower is such a common occurence that he doesnt even need to ask anymore

raihan looks like the type who carries lipbalm and hand cream in his hoodie pocket, he carries 2, 1 cocoa lipbalm for him and honey lipbalm for leon. whenever he met leon, he applies the lip balm on him, it becomes habit that leon even raise his chin up for raihan

leon can sleep alone fine, but when he woke up he felt groggy,but if he slept on top of raihan he'd woke up like he had a perfect 8 hours sleep even tho he slept for only 5 hours

raihan is a heavy sleeper but waking up with leon glued to his chest/back make his whole day better,especially when he woke up to leon peppering his face with kisses to wake him up

raihan being lowkey flustered and overwhelmed by leons beauty/cuteness/sexiness/everything while leon is being clingy and acting spoiled around him

leon cant be serious around raihan, when he saw the gym leader,he automatically let his guard down infront of him, changing from champion leon to leon from postwick, all giddy and happy

leon unzips his champion outfit and once raihan heard the zipping sound he zooms to leon to plant his face between leons chest

if leon wants attention from raihan he will do various things from holding his arm and press his head to raihans shoulders,sitting on his lap and loop his arm around raihans neck,hugging him from the front and put on a cute face

but if raihan wants attention he just, hug leon from behind,put his head on leons shoulder and doesnt let go until leon does SOMETHING

leon has been taking care of others for so long,so when raihan takes care of him ,its a new,yet quite familiar feeling.

its hard to accept since he felt bad about receiving the attention,but raihan kept doing it until leon tend to act spoiled around him

raihan always kiss leons forehead before he sleeps,when raihan is away, he has the urge to videocall raihan so he can coo him to sleep,but hes too embarrassed to do it

he thought abt that and raihan suddenly videocalling him,its noon on the region he visited, and hes like "heeeey, i just want to say good night to my beloved!! good night leon,sweet dreams,sorry bc i cant kiss your forehead but ill kiss u 10x more when im back"

leon was shocked and stared to his camera "lee? fuck,is the connection that bad-" and leon stuttered "n-no! i was surprised...thank you darling, have fun and stay safe okay?"

"of course! dont stay up thinking abt me for too long,i love you so much bubu,good night!

"..good afternoon raihoney,i love you too" leon stayed up for the next 20 minutes rolling around the bed screaming

raihan actually helps leon on taking care of his dragons, which made leons dragonmons actingspoiled around raihan,and sometimes leon thinks that his dragons loves raihan more than him

raihan plays with his dragonmon as if hes playing with a yamper,calling them "cute little babywubby" and playing with their hands,kissing their foreheads and lays with them on the floor,and of course leon joins in by laying on top or next to raihan

even leon have seen raihan carrying his dragapult like a baby with a baby axew hugging his legs, raihan is legit a dragon pokemon magnet

raihan has a habit of cooing or complimenting at leon even when hes doing the simplest thing ever and leon feels giddy like a 5 y.o everytime raihan does it

can u imagine how many pictures of leon raihan have on his phone,its probably more than 1000, he takes picture of leon as if hes a baby pokemon

leon comes to raihans place at 2 am without any warning,i mean raihan DID gave him a spare key so, raihans flat is HIS flat too,and there he goes,going to the bedroom and slip himself under the duvet,crawling to sleep closer to raihan

at first raihan is SO surprised that he jumped from the bed,but now he doesnt care anymore and just kiss leons head,mumbles "goo'nite bubh" and sleep again

leon does it so often that if hes gone from his apartment,people call raihan instead of him

raihan hugging leon from the back while leon is doing stuff in the kitchen while singing,and raihan is there like,peppering smooches and compliments while leon is STILL singing,and giggling bc raihan is smooching him

raihan is BAD at it but he sings along with leon in a joking manner and leon cant even sing anymore bc hes just wheezing while raihan is just "cmOn bAbeEEe SING AgAiiiNNnn"

#raileon #kbdn #kibadan #truerivalshipping #raileon headcanon

[nanasarea]

Park Jisung as your idol bf

Genre: fluff

Pairing: jisung x idol!reader

Requested

Word count:1757 (dear lord, the longest in the idol bf series damn...) 

a/n: this is more of a jisung as your bf in general, not so much the idol aspect sorry. Also yes, i ended up writing about jisung having a baby, sue me, I’m in jisung hours now! also do i even need to say it’s not proofread at this point?

Haechan /  Yuta / Mark / Jeno / Jaemin / Chenle / Renjun / Jaehyun

you were in the same dance class when you were younger

so you were friends way before either of your debuts

like when you knew each other when he was an smrookie

and of course, both of you being talented dancers

you were both training under companies at a rather young age

and it isn’t easy being a trainee regardless of your age

but because you were both still in school

and so young

you knew you should stick together

let’s say you had chemistry homework

but you also had vocal lessons

i’m not saying he would help you

because he wouldn’t

but he would be there to motivate you 

and study his own school work 

so you weren’t alone

it’s safe to say you were each other’s motivation when it came to school

he would also insist on his mom picking you up from school and driving you to the company when your mom couldn’t

same would go reversed

not that either of your moms minded

they found it adorable

and they shipped you both anyway so

that means him and his family coming over for dinner 

and you and yours going to theirs for dinner

and your moms would document all of your childhood memories

they would bond over it

since you didn’t have time to make any friends in school, 

you both valued your friendship a lot

he ended up debuting before you

and you teased him a lot

until he “taught” you how to ride a hoverboard

and you ended up falling in the first 4 seconds

then he would tease you

and you’d now understand how hard his dances really were

you met most of his members when they were smrookies

but you didn’t know renjun and chenle that well

so whenever you could, 

you would hang out with each other

and become very close

which is why they were all so supportive when you ran into their dorms and yelled that you were debuting 

you end up having a little celebration

when you actually did debut, 

they were so hyped

especially jisung

he streamed your mv so many times

he knew every detail of every scene in the mv

which was adorable

the fans knew you were childhood friends so they absolutely loved your interactions

which meant your company/companies being like 

WE COULD MAKE MONEY FROM THAT

so they make sure you have a collab stage 

like really early in your debut

and it was kinda awkward

but because you knew each other beforehand

you felt completely fine

at this point, your moms were betting on when you’d start dating

to which you would both just blush and tell them to stop

you end up going on so many variety shows together

mainly dance specials

and everyone finds you too adorable

like everyone ships it

but they’re kinda lowkey about it because they don’t want to make you uncomfortable 

not the case of his members tho

or yours

you can’t tell me jaemin’s hiatus wasn’t just him laying in bed, resting and planning your wedding

you can’t

taeyong ends up asking him why he hasn’t asked you out yet

he just blushes

it wasn’t until you were both a bit older

and you were at an award ceremony

where everyone was complimenting you

like your dress, makeup, hair, etc

that he realized he liked you

seeing you like that and realizing he needs to stop looking at you as his little childhood friend

and start looking at you as an adult

or somewhat of an adult

he can never look at you as an adult

because he would always have the image of you

with 6 empty chocolate milks around you

and a gummy worm hanging from your mouth

as you tried your best to color the coloring book correctly

but hey, you were always going to have the imagine of him

hanging from monkey bars

after he finished his 5th scoop of ice cream 

and laughing because he overheard someone say a fart joke

ANYWAY

he starts seeing you as an adult

kinda

and he gets slightly jealous when everyone compliments you

so after that, he goes to taeyong and jaehyun

and asks for dating advice

jaehyun just yells 

“wooooo! you should know my usual boba order by now, right, lee?”

These fuckers bet on how long it would take for jisung to realize his feelings 

and jaehyun would regrets only asking for a free boba when he won

but he’s way too happy about winning to care

it ends with half of 127 and half of dreamies giving advice, 

the other halves teasing

and wayv cooing on the phone as they were in china at the time

it takes him like 5 months till he confesses

he’s a nervous baby let him be

and when he does get the courage, 

he takes you to an amusement park

you don’t go on any of the rides

because he’s scared

but you do play the games and eat food

you even watch the fireworks

which is when he finally holds your hand for the first time

you did a lot of skinship before

like when you were friends

but it wasn’t like this 

it was cute

he was so nervous

your palms were both sweaty from nervousness

but neither of you cared

you were just happy to enjoy the moment

 that got cheesy

he even walked you to your dorm 

like to right in front of your door

which is when he hesitantly gave you a kiss on the cheek 

but you wanted a real kiss so you gave him a proper kiss

and he ended up almost tripping on his way to the elevator

where he smiled to himself

and tried to calm himself down

so the members wouldn’t see him like this

but they did

they teased him

and just yelled with him

“our baby had his first kiss!” -jaemin

“life is going way too fast! weren’t you like 3 years old yesterday?!”- jeno

“how come he’s 2 years younger and already getting more action than me?!” -renjun

the others find out 

and tease him

mostly they just congratulate him tho

“wooo! our baby is becoming a man!” -taeyong

“doyoung, hold me, i’m emotional!” -johnny 

“when’s the wedding?” -taeil

“wedding? i always cry at weddings...” -jungwoo

“no weddings! yet!” -kun

“yeah! he’s not getting married before me!” -jaehyun

they might have gone a bit overboard

but can you blame them 

it’s their baby we’re talking abt

they still see him as the little toddler from when he was on mickey mouse club

also you end up not telling your parents right away

and they keep match making

so you end up being like

“Mom, we’re already dating, you can stop”

cue both of your moms get excited

like they’re already talking about being the best grandmas

and having the cutest grandchildren

even tho you’ve only been together for 2 months

something tells me he’d be the type to want to have matching everything

phone cases

(probably anna and kristoff ones)

then profile pictures

jewelry

clothing

anything and everything

he’d find it so cute

speaking of matching profile pics

the fans would realize what was going on 

when you would match your pfps

so your company/companies were like

yes, they’re dating, no one is surprised...anyway 127 comeback 

your dating announcement is like super chill

mainly because everyone was waiting for it 

also i feel like he’d always be playing with your hair 

and fixing it

like all the time

a single hair out of place?

we can’t have that!

his hands are in your hair already

would text you for advice while filming chenji’s this and that

and would always make something for you too

“chenle’s turned out more aesthetic but mine is made with love, so mine is better my default.” 

also it wouldn’t matter if you’re older than him, the same age, younger than him

doesn’t matter

would want to hear you call him oppa

but immediately get shy after

also he’s an aquarius

so if you end up getting really random texts during the day

like during your schedules

don’t be surprised

like he’s already maknae on top

so he will rebel to like some of the things you say

“jisung! we need to get back to filming in 3 minutes!”

“but weeee!” -jisung going down the slide for the 5th time 

cries when you joke about leaving him there

speaking of crying, 

we all know he’s emotional

and cries easily

so he just runs to you whenever he wants to cry

and just placed his head on your shoulder

to hide his facial expression

but it’s okay

you’ve already seen everything from the random snaps you get every day

he might not know how to comfort you at first

but he will learn

and he’s pretty mature for his age 

so he would take comforting you very seriously

he’s a really good listener 

so he would love to just hear you vent to him

it would kinda boost his ego a bit too

like he’s the one who you’re venting to

yknow what i mean?

but also he protects you very well

you get scared of a spider 

he goes all manly mode 

and gets rid of it for you

doesn’t like to admit it, 

but he thinks about you a lot

and your future

like once you two grow out of your idol lives 

and into a more adult life

where you get married

and have kids

kids who tease their uncles (aka nct members)

because THE maknae on top was their teacher after all

speaking of weddings

his older brother got married

and obviously you were his date

and everyone kept looking at you two

asking when it was your turn

your mom said “hopefully soon”

“mom, we don’t have time, we have busy schedules”

“but one day...”

time jump to when the news breaks about your engagement 

and everyone is crying

they watched you both grow up and now you’re getting married??

what???

the announcement was everywhere

also you don’t announce anything about a child

one day, you just both post a picture of your daughter

with a caption like

“she’s so cute, i knew my genes were good.”

or something like that

and everyone goes wild

nation’s babies having a baby?

legend says chenle’s screaming caused 2 earthquakes that day

to sum it up: nation’s babies turned nation’s it couple because jisung is the best boyfriend you could ever have asked for 

.....i might have gone way more invested than i thought i was going to. Do i regret it tho? hell no. Am i emotional now because I pictured adult Jisung with a baby? hell yes.

tag list: @soleilchannie​

#nct #nct dream #nct fluff #park jisung #nct dream fluff #park jisung fluff #nct dream x reader #nct x reader #park jisung x reader #nct dream x gender neutral reader #nct x gender neutral reader #park jisung x gender neutral reader #park jisung scenario #park jisung imagine #nct scenario #nct imagine #nct au #nct dream scenario #idol au #nct dream imagine #nct dream au

[hwaflms]

Fav Emoji: 🗡

Hi!!! I was wondering if I can get a ship for txt, nct, and ateez pls? I’ll really try not to make this long, but it’s hard sometimes lol.

Anyways, I’m an 18 year old 03’ liner and I’m 5’6. As for looks, I’m african american so i have dark skin, brown eyes and cinnamon colored hair. I cut my hair really short above my ears. I look rather young for my age (unfortunately). I’m rather slim and i have long legs and arms so people say I look even taller than what i am. I have large round eyes a big forehead, a button nose, and thick(ish) lips with round cheeks(ok now i understand why ppl think i’m vv young 🙄) But nowadays i’m more confident in myself and it’s no longer an insecurity of mine. I’d like to say i’m very stylish yet i can’t pick an aesthetic for the life of me.

To sum up my fav aesthetic/style, i would have to say something that’s dark but sophisticated. Like dark academia, but add a bit more of an alt/goth style to it. I like listening to visual kei and rock music, but to be honest, I love all music, even country some times.

I’m from the south of usa, so that has influenced how i am A LOT. I usually don’t have an accent, but whenever i feel a really strong emotion, I get a really strong southern accent and it’s kind of funny. I also tend to go outside without any shoes or socks. I like playing with my pets outside the most, I have two dogs (one is a rottweiler and one is a bull dog), my cat (just a black cat) and my bird. I love love love animals. I love everything to do with nature as well, i feel a deep connection with nature, and once, i even cried while watching bees pollinate flowers help lol.

My psychic said my aura was multiple shades of green, which i think it fits, seeing that green auras represented healers and earth lovers. My dad tends to call me a hippie lol. Astrology wise, I’m a leo sun, leo moon, and scorpio rising. My personality type is INFP-T. My friends say i’m quite funny, and they like to point out, “she’s really really smart, but like everyone, she has her dumb moments, but her dumb moments are the dumbest of the dumbest.”

I’m very sensitive, and not in the “i’m always crying way”. Yet, when i do cry, i tend to cry over the smallest of things, like the bee one. I cry over animals being cute, and I cry when i’m rlly rlly excited. Yet if i’m rlly sad, i can’t cry for some reason, and i’m just 😐. But, I try my hardest to comfort others and help others because there seriously is no other happiness in the world that makes me more happy than making others happy.

I like to talk a lot, as well (as you can see), and i’ll talk about every topic. I tend to talk most about child birth and genetics weirdly enough, it’s so interesting to me. But i also love to talk about astrology, space, and conspiracy theories. I’m highly spiritual. I’m also highly creative. I love drawing, singing, dancing, acting, all of that. Drawing has always been my strongest suit before i somehow got bored of it, but i still draw every once and a while.

I also like playing sports, as i’m naturally athletic. I did ballet, tap dance, gymnastics, track and field, cheerleading, soccer, and softball. (i think cheer is a sport and i’ll argue with anyone on that). I’ve lived in america, germany, and south korea, and i want to travel to so many more places as i grow older.

As for relationship stuff, I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m scared of boys to be honest. I was bullied in school a lot for being “ugly” and it was always by boys so i’ve never really had the best experience with them. I’m still trying to gain my confidence so that i could try dating.

My ideal type is someone smart (though i don’t hate himbos lmao), but i like someone smart and mature. I like someone who works hard, but not someone who’s too serious. With people, i like to have those love/hate relationships lol like we make fun of each other but we also have our soft moments. As for looks, i don’t rlly have an ideal type, yet there’s a couple things that i would go for. I like someone who’s taller than me, has bigger hands than me (mine are 18cm 😥), and has nice legs (i tend to like thicker legs, but i don’t discriminate). I do think smaller guys around my height are so cute too tho, like UGH I CANT CHOOSE.

My ideal date would probably be anything other than going to a restaurant. Maybe later on in the relationship that would be fine, but to be honest, i’m very awkward and shy at first, so it would just be weird. I find that doing something fun together really let’s you find out more about a person rather than just talking. So maybe an amusement park, or even doing an escape room together.

As for love languages, i’m not a very touchy person. Sometimes, i’m STARVING for a hug, but most of the time i don’t like to be touched. I think my love language is acts of service, and idk what’s it’s called, but just trying to find out abt someone. Someone would really know i like them when i ask for their whole zodiac chart, personality type, weekday of birth, everything.

Tbh, i’m very much like a tsundere. I don’t like showing affection very much, and i’d rather insult the ppl that i like than compliment them. Though, this is probably the reason ppl think i don’t like them when i first meet them. Sometimes i might get rlly mushy and cute and stuff, but most of the time, i’m just not used to showing affection, so i feel kinda uncomfy when i do.

Ok, that’s all, i really hope it wasn’t too much for you to read, i tend to get carried away ❤️ have a nice day ily

୨୧ 𓂃 : 🐇 :┊ i ship you with . . .

💌 — huening kai ♡ txt.

𖥻 the last thing a relationship with hyuka would be is boring. he gives off very "best friend who also happens to be your boyfriend" vibes, so there would be a lot off playing around and goofing off. he can be affectionate but also likes his space, like you, so you would be able to find a middle ground. he would like is your relationship was light and fun, teasing each other and making fun of each other. if you ever felt insecure, he would make you feel better in a less "let's talk about it" way and a more "ugh you're so silly, why would you think that when you're perfect??" way.

💌 — johnny ♡ nct.

𖥻 johnny is a chill and laid-back person, so conversation with him would come easy. there wouldn't be an awkward stage with him because johnny is a pretty smooth talker and he would make it easier for you to talk to him. johnny would NEVER make you feel insecure, if anything, he'd be the type of boyfriend who would be hyping you up all the time, even when you're doing absolutely nothing. johnny loves music too so, while he might make fun of you a lil for listening to country, he would love vibing to music with you. we all know johnny is mf hilarious, so he could definitely joke around with you and insult you playfully often ! plus johnny is a sexc tall boy and he has legs for days D:

💌 — hongjoong ♡ atz.

𖥻 hongjoong has the perfect balance of being mature and hardworking while also being playful. he knows how to take a joke and return the favour by teasing you, so i think in that aspect, you will have an easy-going relationship. he also will definitely be so supportive of you, and will be there for you whenever you need it. the kind of dates he would prefer would be more indoor ones, especially just in his studio !! he would show the amount of affection you're comfortable with, never pushing your boundaries or pressuring you.

♡ 𓄹 ࣪ ˖ i hope you like this !! and also, i just wanted to let you know that you are so so beautiful, okay, ilysm <3 boys suck, pls ignore them >:( thank you for sending this in, stay safe ^_^

#(-_- ) zZ ships ★!

[curiosity-killed]

super long rambling and a fair bit of whining abt my relationship with dance AUs bc this is what my brain chose to fixate on for my whole extremely sloggish run

Because I love dance and because I love writing and because I do rather a lot of both, I pretty consistently struggle with my complete and utter block on writing dance AUs and I’ve basically realized that it comes down to a three-prong barricade that gets progressively harder to overcome as you move through it

Because part of it is just technical. Writing about dance is hard from a dancer’s perspective. I know dance, I know the mechanics of it and the sensations of it. I can walk you through the technical details of a 3-minute variation and I can tell you how my heart lifts and body fills with light the moment I step onto the stage. I can give you the nitty gritty and I can give you the grand metaphors—and I cannot for the life of me balance the lens on the middle ground.

I got asked on bumble what my favorite dance step is and immediately answered tour jete (or entrelace, depending on your school). And then, because the person wasn’t a dancer, I followed up with, “it’s a big fun jump that makes you feel like you’re flying.”

Yeah. That clears everything up.

A story cannot be made by a Big Jump That Feels Like Flying. Do you know how many steps that could cover?? Hell, how many disciplines?? A barrel leap is a big jump that can feel like flying. So is an Italian pas de chat. All three of these are  w i l d l y  different steps.

So there’s the words but—how to translate a language of precise motion and sweeping emotion into plain language accessible to people who haven’t grown up in this pidgin tongue of bad French and weird metaphors. Tombe pas de bourre glissade pas de chat contre temps—this is my language of dance. This is not only clear instruction on what steps to take but also the rhythm of it conveyed in the syllables and accents. I read this and not only see the dance across stage but feel the sway of my torso as I mark along, the flick of my wrist as I shape the steps before they’re taken, physical reminders of 17 years of training and study.

A reader reads this and their eyes glaze over and roll back in their heads.

To go the opposite way, to lay it all out in the actual physical motions is, if possible, even worse. Fall (gracefully) onto your right leg while extending your left with pointed foot to cross your left behind your right to step your right to the side to— *gasp for breath* Yeah, no.

The solution to this, in theory, is the kind of checklist I go through while performing: emotion, motion, technique. (Incidentally, this is the opposite of my checklist while rehearsing or taking class) Draw the reader in with the feel of it, move them with familiar steps, punctuate with the details. In theory. I’ve yet to make it work.

And then there’s the fact that I have had a very weird education and career in dance. I grew up dancing in the rural Midwest US—not exactly a hub of performing arts (and if you mention Joffrey, I will kindly invite you to look up “rural” and then look at Chicago). 

The vast majority of dancers in the rural midwest (...RMWUS??) go to competition schools. Think Dance Moms, high kicks and tricks on Instagram, trophies and tiaras. 

I.....went to a university.

We learned more about kinesiology than kicks. My teachers were fascinated by the way I could “jump like a boy” and didn’t once mention my waist circumference. It would be a lie to say it was all daisies and sweetcakes. We were competitive. Sometimes we were brats. We learned to push through severe physical pain and turned perfectionism to a weapon. Teachers had favorites and older girls could be downright mean.

But, having now danced at a competition studio, it was wildly different. When there were tears in the dressing room, it was because we were graduating and going far across the country from each other—not because a teacher had come in and yelled at the entire cast for 15 minutes right before the show. When auditions came around, we discussed each other’s strengths and weaknesses and together determined what we thought the best casting would be (tbc we did not have a say in casting, it was all just a thought exercise). 

We learned about dance not as an isolated thing we do but as a part of life—dance as an expression of culture, dance as a remarkable maximization of the human body—and are still always welcomed home.

I do, if I’m totally honest, think I got a better education than people at competition schools. But when it comes to writing fanfic...this is not a model of dance that is super easily accessible. Competition dance is on TV, Instagram, it’s all over. A rigorous academic approach to modern ballet...is not.

Lastly and ultimately the biggest stumbling block is: dance has always been a very gendered experience for me. My weird university education was surprisingly queer and unsurprisingly liberal, but I am a ballerina—not a danseur, not a ballet dancer. I grew up huddling under the edge of the grand piano with my friends hastily sewing pointe shoes and tingling with anticipation when we were finally old enough to wear platter tutus. I grew up pulling my hair back in tight buns and only being allowed to wear small earrings in class when I was in high school. 

There’s some crossover of course. I’ve got (as Colorado Ballet says) Mad Hops so my teacher would make me do men’s tempo jumps while the rest of the girls stood on the side and caught their breath. My partner for a pas de deux fell sick one tech week so my best friend, female, partnered me instead. 

Men can (and increasingly do) train in pointe shoes and wear tutus. Look at James B. Whiteside and Harper Watters for some of the most obvious examples. It is wonderful and remarkable to see gender roles changing in ballet and dance and that should be expressed in fiction as well. Men dance. Men do ballet and not just to hold up the women or to do big jumps. They can point their feet too, y’all.

(Here is where the whining really begins. Just so you’re warned.)

But when I sit down to write, the stories I want to tell are the stories I know—queer women growing up and training and learning together and challenging and supporting each other. The way you are taught ballet is very dependent on your gender. Men can train in pointe shoes, but that’s not the classical or traditional route. 

While my friends and I were taping our toes and grimacing about dead shanks, the guys in our cohort were in a separate class learning how to perform big jumps and turns in second. While I was cinching tight my friend’s corset-back bodice, the guys were in tights and a shirt. Again with the jumps—it wasn’t that I was a good jumper or that I was a strong jumper, it was that I jumped like a man. It was a compliment, but it was also an exception.

Meanwhile, most of my fandoms are very heavily male. The one time I attempted to write a dance AU was for VLD and I immediately ran into the baffling problem of “There are too many boys.” As someone who’s danced my whole life...this is not (usually) a problem in the real world of dance. If I write AUs about the main characters, I am writing about male dancers. Again, great! We need more positive and varied depictions of men dancing—but it’s not what I want to write.

I wrote out an entire paragraph here only to realize that the crux of the problem is actually the usual crux of my problem with gender in fanfiction and it is, quite simply: I want more well-developed female characters. Because I can write a story about side characters, but there’s so much less to go on — and sometimes, that’s where the fun comes in. Getting to play with and create a wealth of history and character for a written-off member of the cast can be really fun. But, for me at least, the delight of AUs is slipping in and twisting around canon in a new context.

If I write a wangxian ballet AU, Wei Wuxian’s demonic cultivation can be traded for his switching abruptly to a new studio—one that uses harsh methods, demands too much from him, cuts him off from the people he used to dance with—all so that the money from his tuition can be turned to help Jiang Cheng continue at his chosen academy and pursue dance professionally. It’s a stretch, it’s a twist, but it’s within a frame readers recognize.

If I write a ballet AU with Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing...well, it’s all free form. We have so little to go on that you can make it work—Cloud Recesses becomes a summer intensive, Wen Ruohan’s conquest becomes the buying out and closing of the Jiang academy for some new development—but there’s less resonance. We’re on new ground and the reader has to offer up a lot more trust and disbelief. 

Which I suppose leads us to genderbends?? Good lord. I do not know my own feelings about that enough to go anywhere. b l a r g h

so i guess this is all to say: writing good, dance good, writing dance hard. pouty face pouty face pouty face :<

#long post #personal #BEHOLD A VERY VERY VERY RAMBLING LINE OF THOUGHT

[thereal-linh-cinder]

Cinder’s Notes on Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets

We’re back with CoS!

Again, massive spoilers for the entire HP series (obviously)

Woo the hell plans where theyre going to stand when dinner guests arrive? you seem so unbelievably inhuman, which, i suppose the Dursleys are, but still...

DUDLEY’S COMPLIMENT FOR MRS. MASON

Because Harry is an unreliable narrator, is it possible that the Dursleys treat him slightly better than is described? Unlikely, but something to consider

Harry is so humble?

He’s also hilarious “[Voldemort] hasnt got a brother, has he?”

bars on the window are a bit extreme

the twins ooze chaotic energy

are the owls that wizards use magical? they always seem to understand humans VERY well...or is it just magic that gives magic folk a better connection w animals? Or is that just how owls are? Or do I just not understand how carrier birds work? 

rather convinient that only the bottom stair creaks and not like. the 13th from the top or something

“Draco made Dudley sound sweet” i mean. childish bullying at school  vs physical abuse for years but ok go off jkr

the twins are 14 and driving a car. in Britain. where you have to be 18. chaos

Mrs. Weasley reminds me way too much of my own mother

Percy wears sweater vests confirmed (are we surprised)

Please take a moment to imagine Percy’s reaction to Hermione becoming Minister

Lockhart + Rita Skeeter (idk what this means but its in my notes)

“got the impression that Snape could read minds” 👀

Lockhart is just gonna go through the whole rainbow huh

Lockhart really compared Harry almost DYING to him winning that stupid smile award. Bruh.

Lockhart has 7 books

I feel bad for Nick :(

There’s so much about the Vanishing Cabinets in this book!

that moment with the salamander and the firework is a gem

Do Ron and Hermione at least hear hissing in the walls?

so Lockhart is basically running the Hogwarts theatre department huh

why was Ron’s first thought toenails

Scarhead? Thats the BEST insult you can come up with, Malfoy? 

Yeah, let the 12y/o deal with the rogue bludger on his own, y’hear? (can you tell I’m a lot older now)

Honestly, Madame Pomfrey? Kinda a savage

If Voldemort was 70 when he died in ‘98, and he went to school with Lucius, how old is Lucius? 

Technically, if all purebloods are related, Harry IS a descendant of Salazar Slytherin. Not the heir obvs, but you know

honestly when you think about it, Fawkes’s death is hilarious. Like Harry’s just chillin and sees a cool bird and then it spontaneously combusts 

Did Crabbe and Goyle ever get their shoes back? 

Ron has REALLY good intuition

Why do they still have Riddle’s trophy on display? Like yeah not many people know that he’s Voldemort but that just feels like the equivalent of like...keeping up a trophy for the kid that turned out to be a sch**l sh**ter

Ok but the younger Weasleys have this knack for bullying Voldy. Twins pelted him with snowballs, Ginny flushed his diary down a toilet, Ron barfed slugs all over his special award....

well Harry if its a DIARY where you conventionally write personal stuff about your day or your crush, why are we surprised that it doesnt even have stuff like “dentist” and “aunt mary’s birthday” or “half past 3″ written in it

RON’S INTUITION BRUH “[the diary] coud be dangerous” “maybe [Tom Riddle] murdered Myrtle] yall know that theory abt him being a seer? yeah

I adore these characters so much bc theyre so real?? Lke we truly watch them grow up. Something about the way 11y/o Ginny covers her face and runs away vs how she acts in the later books just. I adore it. 

So this is where I broke my own heart and froze for a solid 15 minutes. I was beginning to write “I hope the twins sang ‘His Eyes Are As Green As A Fresh Pickled Toad’ at their wedding” before I realized that only one twin got to attend Harry & Ginny’s wedding. I trailed off at the S in twins and you can see how shaky my hand got in the writing (i wrote all of this out in a journal)

Riddle’s personality is so well preserved. (and then I remembered that he made his first horcrux that year and THATS why bc this is 16/17 y/o voldy’s soul)

In Riddle’s memory, he stops by the potions room after speaking to Dumbledore on the staircase. Slughorn is teaching that year. Harry says he is stuck outside that room for “what felt like an hour.” Is this where Tom asks about horcruxes? Technically at this point, Myrtle has already been murdered and its been a while but I’m p sure he asks about horcruxes after class one day. But idk. It really seems plausible, and It’s possible that he altered the memory to show Harry...

this is my least favorite book so i just wrote “this is the most boring book. I’m skimming.”

ah forcing 12 y/o to choose a career path

Quidditch mathces are EARLY (im used to sports matches in the evenings but i guess soccer matches are early and such so it makes sense) (my american is showing)

Is sitting at any table allowed? I never understood that and it used to bug me in the movies. Is it only required to sit at your House table during important feasts? Is that how a lot of inter-house relationships come to be? 

Fudge’s wardrobe was ROBBED in the movie. They really made him look like an established businessman when when we first meet the man, he’s wearing a pinstriped suit, scarlet tie, POINTED PURPLE SHOES and honestly woud it have been so hard to at least give him the lime green bowler hat? Such a staple of his personality

i feel like we tend to forget that hagrid has been to Azkaban

Ron saw Draco being racist and had to be physically held back by his friends. Mans was ready to THROW HANDS. 10/10 absolute icon

The prejudice against werewolves is very prominent.They clearly dont know a lot about them/arent taught (constantly expecting to find them roaming the forbidden forest EVERY NIGHT)

literally WHAT would they do without Hermione

still shocked that Hermione Jean Granger would willingly rip a page out of a book, especially a library book. But maybe thats just the fact that I’m the daughter of a librarian.

is the basilisk page from Fantastic Beasts? They really called it “a page from an old book” its literally in ur first year curriculum but ok boys

Why did Ron toss Lockhart’s wand out the window? He couldve used it instead of his spellotaped one. Granted, it wouldnt have been very good later on if he had, but. You know?

if this Tom is just an imprint of Voldy’s soul at 16/17, how does he even know who Harry is

he already has voldy’s laugh

OH Ginny told him about Harry that makes sense

Voldemort is SO dramatic. Imagine your buddy Tom one day says “hello dearest closest friends, I’ve decided I hate my name so I tried to make an acronym. Please only refer to me as Voldemort from now on. Also I could spell Lord with my name, so I am claiming my new status as a Lord.”

Also he’s holding Harry’s wand. Why is he sending this ginormous, super sow snake after this tiny scrawny 12y/o? Just kill him yourself. Even when Harry gets poisoned Tom’s like “take ur time bro imma watch u die i have nothing better to do” and only when neither of those first tow extra af options DO NOT WORK does he think “oh well guess i gotta use this WAND now ugh” like was he just not corporeal enough to actually use the wand yet or???? Buddy. If you really wanted Harry dead I feel like you could do better.

the fang SPLINTERED in Harry’s arm????????????????? uhm

Harry gets covered in ink a lot in the series

Dumbledore is such a simp for Voldemort honestly

I forget that Harry & Ron get trophies for special services too bro

did Arthur create the Muggle Protection Act???

...why DOES Lucius have Voldy’s old school things? 

Harry and Ron got a total of 400 points for this. But only 10 FOR TAKING OUT A TROLL AT AGE 11 

Lucius is LITERALLY on the PTA hes a school governor 

#harry potter #harry potter and the chamber of secrets #chamber of secrets #harry potter commentary #hp #harry potter analysis #harry potter series #book analysis #harry james potter #malfoy #ron weasley #dobby

[cobythinks]

‘Might As Well’ AU

HEYY so I this is a bullet-fic kinda thing for an AU I’ve created, and unlike my other AUs I’m not going to make a story for it and if I write anything it’ll all be one-shots of certain bits. It's mainly Roloceit with like tiny bits of Moxiety as well.

Feel free to send in asks or request one-shots for this AU! I’m very happy abt it and I loved writing this so any questions for the characters or requests for scenes would be amazing!!!

Most of it under the cut because... I got carried away and it's very long

Roman Guerra is a YouTuber/actor

Horace (Dee) McMullin is a drama teacher

Logan Wright is a science teacher at the same school that Dee works at

Roman and Dee are roommates, and though their relationship has progressed FAR past what anyone would call a friendship, they really don’t care enough to label it or even talk about what they are to each other. They both know they care about the other, and that’s all that really matters.

Roman also tends to rant in Spanish when he gets passionate, and Dee responds by saying the names of ‘Mexican food’ as a reply.

Roman: *talks in spanish*

Dee: *nods* burrito. Quesadilla. Mama Mia.

Roman: that’s not even a food, shut up.

Logan meets Dee through work, obviously, and they quickly become friends

Something about the tall, dramatic, elegant man just drives Logan insane because he’s a little shit once you get to know him and it makes no SENSE

The adorable little science teacher shouldn’t scare Dee as much as he does, but he can’t help it. Something about the way Logan is always composed makes Dee feel like he’s a serial killer or something.

Despite this, they become friends when they discover they both have a passion for psychology and have long discussions about it during lunch and when they hang out on weekends

Dee - as much as he hates it - starts to fall hopelessly in love with the other teacher. He can’t help it, just like he couldn't help but to fall in love with Roman a year and a half earlier when they met. 

Not that he’d told Roman that yet, god no. They’d both dated other people on and off while knowing each other, even if they did end up fucking after every breakup and swearing to each other they were done with the whole relationship thing. 

Roman always found someone else to sweep off their feet, and Dee always found himself hopelessly pining for someone else to make the first move

So, that’s what was happening here, and it was torture.

Logan wasn’t much better, furious that this dramatic drama teacher of all people made him feel so flustered and confused.

Then the day came that Dee brought Logan over for dinner, and he met Roman

Roman greeted him dramatically, filling the entire apartment with his electric energy as he spoke.

Oh god, there’s two of them. Logan realized in terror as the two bickered playfully back and forth, eventually challenging each other to a duel despite the fact they had a guest over.

And like most of their duels, Roman ended up kissing Dee

“Oh,” Logan said, feeling like a complete idiot

“Fuck,” Dee said, realizing that Logan now had the wrong idea

“Maybe later,” Roman said with a wink because he’s a little shit.

Dee just freaking makes a mess of everything and accidentally confesses his feelings for both of them at once and then faceplants on the couch

Roman offers Logan some lasagna because it’s getting cold

Dee feels betrayed 

but joins them for lasagna in a few minutes

Logan is utterly confused and doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything

Dee is mortified and wants to jump off the balcony

He and Roman proceed to do the titanic thing and Logan is still very confused but he agrees to take their picture

He’s Like: Sure??? I guess so??? Are we not going to address what just happened??? DOn’T FaLL yOU IDiOTs

Roman thinks it is all hilarious but he must agree that Logan is stunning

He helps to re-explain his and Dee’s relationship because Dee honestly did an awful job

And Logan is like okay

Because it makes sense now even though Roman used many slang words he did NOT understand

Oh my god these two are literally the most chaotic duo he’s ever met and usually Logan HATES chaos but he LOVES this

And so Roman - of course, it’s Roman - is the one to suggest they just go with the flow like he and Dee have been doing for the past year already, if Logan wants to

Logan has no idea what to expect but agrees that he wouldn’t mind

Horace.exe has crashed again

So they start doing whatever the hell it is that they’re doing

And if Roman is a chaos slut with Dee he is a chaos gentleman with Logan and it is BAFFLING he’s still dramatic but he’s overly chivalrous and polite and Dee is annoyed why can’t Roman hold the door open for him instead of holding it closed like a jerk after opening it for Logan

Dee and Logan just keep up their psychology discussions almost constantly and regularly have to ask Roman to finish a debate even though Roman knows NOTHING about psychology

Roman always finds an excuse not to support Dee (in a loving way)

“Roman! Tell Logan that Max Stirner-”

“I’M BUSY MAKING ALFREDO SORRY”

This doesn’t stop Dee from continuing to ask him to back him up

Roman always supports Logan in the debates despite being completely oblivious

“Roman, don’t you agree that-”

“Yes, my love. My darling. Genius whom I would die for. I agree.”

This always causes Logan distress in two ways

One: Roman didn’t listen to what he was agreeing with

Two: he is now super flustered because Roman is continuing to ramble on about how much he loves Logan

Logan turns out to know some Spanish

So now he and Roman have conversations in Spanish and Roman teaches him more and Dee just doesn’t really care

He keeps contributing using food or random words he’s picked up on and it drives Logan and Roman INSANE

And so they start dropping his proper name in conversation to either

One: make Dee think they’re mad because they used ‘Horace’

Two: make Dee think they’re gossiping about him

When really they’re talking about how much they love him OR just saying ‘Horace’ in the middle of a completely unrelated sentence

They stop doing this after they accidentally make Dee legitimately sad

It surprises both of them when they realize he’s crying after they don’t tell him what they were saying

So no more pretending to gossip about each other in Spanish

Roman offers to teach him Spanish

Dee responds to the offer by screaming ‘TORTILLA’ at the top of his lungs

Dee does not learn Spanish

Roman calls them his boyfriends first

In a youtube video title

Without warning them that they were being featured

Because he’s a little shit

Dee freaks out and tries to ask him about it but they just end up making out like they usually do when they try to have a serious conversation

Logan is okay with it and very amused at Dee’s reaction

Dee calls them his boyfriends next when he gets sick

When Dee gets sick he gets freaking delirious

Logan didn’t believe that it was the same person the first time he saw Dee when he was sick

Dee also only responds to Horace, his given name, when he’s sick and it's so hard to talk to him because they never seriously call him that

but Dee is so fucking sappy when he’s like that

And it's just pure and cute and he calls them his boyfriends

Logan calls them his boyfriends last

When introducing him to some other friends when they moved back into town

Patton Foster, a veterinarian

Virgil Storm, a weatherman (shut up he knows it's stupid his boyfriend (Patton) makes enough jokes about it as it is)

Both are baffled at how Logan managed to be dating two completely batshit crazy drama geeks

Once this happens they finally sit down and decide that yeah, they are dating

None of them say it’s exclusive, but none of them really want to date anyone else anymore anyway

Having Logan there to balance out the chaos is exactly what they needed

“I NEED A SNAKE FOR A VIDEO”

“Doesn’t Dee have a pet snake?”

“DEE YOU HAVE A PET SNAKE??”

“You’ve lived together for two years, how do you not know he has a snake in a terrarium in his room?”

“Logan I trusted you.”

“CAN I USE YOUR SNAKE”

“Only if I get to be in the video too, she gets nervous around cameras and she needs me.”

“Snakes don’t know what cameras-”

“DEAL!”

So it's just chaos and thriving in their little apartment

Roman has them in his videos sometimes, which is hugely popular among his viewers

“Hey, youtube! Today we’re throwing wet sponges at my tall boyfriend!”

“Roma- ROMAN GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SAID YOU WOULD WARN ME NEXT TIME”

“If you get water on the floor I’m not cleaning it up also watch out for the outlets you don’t want to get electrocuted.”

“That was my nerd boyfriend. I’d never throw a wet sponge at him, he doesn’t deserve it. Only my tall one deserves it.”

“I HATE YOU BOTH”

Logan and Dee both try to embarrass the other more whilst at work, which only caused a problem one or two times

“I need your help”

“With what”

“...a surprise”

“I told you I won’t help you teach them how to stage kiss anymore you always just kiss me for real and that’s not how it works.”

“But I love you.”

“fine.”

Roman and Dee regularly compete to see who can make Logan more embarrassed from compliments and it usually ends up in a cuddle pile or [REDACTED]

Dee is still positive that Logan is either a serial killer or a robot and that is one reason he enjoys making Logan embarrassed because it's hilarious to see the usually stoic teacher not know what to say

Roman, when he hears this theory, claims that Dee is the actual serial killer and he knows because he’s a ghost that’s just been haunting Dee since he killed him

Logan pretends to believe Roman’s claim and Dee wants to destroy them both.

He does… in a way *cough*

People who met Roman and Dee before Logan got there are baffled when they see either of them or both interacting with Logan

Because Roman and Dee are just CHAOS and DRAMATIC declarations of love (Roman) SCREAMING and sexual jokes (Dee)

Roman and Logan, though, that’s Roman at his most chivalrous. He opens doors, speaks eloquently, bows dramatically and is basically an over the top perfect gentleman

Deceit and Logan, well, no one understands that either because Deceit makes ZERO sexual jokes and he’s quiet and gentle and finally FINALLY he matches the elegant aesthetic he has going on 

And as soon as all three of them are seen together? The dynamic makes sense again

Roman and Dee are gremlins. Logan is the god they worship.

 Logan treats them both equally, as much as he can that is, and Roman and Dee would probably fight to the death for his hand and then end up making out like they always do when they fight to ‘the death’

Even Logan’s friends have only ever seen him express real emotion when he is with one or both of his boyfriends

The rest of the time he is in his robot/serial killer mode

Both Roman and Dee take great pride in this

Logan calls Dee Horace when he wants to make a point and it's usually why he ends up winning debates when Roman isn’t around because it makes Dee frustrated and annoyed so he stops talking

Apologies are made with kisses though

After the three get together, Roman learns a lot more about Dee as a person because believe it or not Dee is good at pretending and keeping secrets

Also they always just used to… sleep… in Roman’s room and not Dee’s but Roman didn’t even notice that and that’s how Dee got away with having a snake in secret for two years until Logan stayed the night in his room.

Roman falls more in love with Dee as a result and visa versa

Logan is awfully amused at this and they know it

Basically, the entire relationship is a HOT MESS

And that’s all I’ve got

#sanders sides #AU #Roloceit #Might As Well Au #my writing #bullet fic #roman #logan #Deceit #patton #virgil #ts sides #Human AU #yee

[allisondraste]

Temperance (8/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Story Summary:  Nathaniel and Elissa were childhood friends, but time and distance tore them apart. In the aftermath of the Fifth Blight, and Ferelden’s Civil War, both Elissa and Nathaniel must attempt reconstruct their tattered lives. As a series of events lead them to be reunited, both are reminded of so many years ago when things were much simpler.

Chapter Summary:   Young Liss is not pleased with the way the world works. 

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Highever, 9:17  Dragon

“Lady Elissa, are you sure this is all right?”  The girl’s large, green eyes were wide with worry as she scanned the room around them. “Mamae says I’ll get in trouble if I leave the servants’ quarters.”

“Don’t be silly, Rila,” Liss said with a giggle, taking the other girl by the hand, “I won’t let you get in trouble.”

“If you say so, milady,” Rila answered, bowing her head but smiling.  Her skin was dark and her ears pointed like knives, but Liss wasn’t supposed to say so, even if she meant it as a compliment.  Papa said that a lot of humans in Ferelden, Orlais, and other places thought they were better than the elves and used mean slurs to put them down.  He told her that he expected his children to be better than that. She couldn’t imagine ever wanting to say something mean to Rila, or why anyone else would.

Liss led her friend outside and to one of her favorite hiding spots in the gardens, beneath willow trees where few people thought to look for her.  It was sunny and warm, especially for Ferelden, so the shade of the trees served as a comfort as well as concealment. Rila, despite reassurances, continued to look around them as if she expected someone to show up at any moment to punish her for daring to enter the gardens.  The elven girl moved from Denerim only a few months earlier, and Liss assumed she had simply not had time to learn that Highever was a much better place to be.

“What shall we play,” Liss asked, her voice not quite a whisper.

“Whatever you wish, milady,” Rila answered, eyes darting away as she spoke.

“You don’t have to call me that, you know? ‘Milady.’” Liss smiled and squeezed the girl’s hand. “You can call me Liss, just like everyone else.”

“I… I don’t think that’s a good idea, milady.”  Her voice trembled as if she were frightened, but Liss had not done anything scary.  Or had she?

“‘Course it is,” Liss exclaimed, “We’re friends, and you should call me by my name.”

Rila opened her mouth and prepared to speak, grin tugging at the corners of her mouth, but was interrupted by a rustling of the tree branches as they were pulled aside.  It was Liss’ mother, lips pursed tightly, brows drawn together as they always were when she was about to scold someone.

“Elissa, darling, you’re going to miss the tournament,” she said, her eyes darting back and forth between Liss and Rila.

“I don’t want to go, Mama,” Liss whined, “It’s not even a real tournament.  It’s just Fergus showing off against a bunch of boys smaller than him.”

“Elissa Odette, your brother has worked hard to hone his dueling skills.  You should be proud of him.”

“I am, but I want to play with my friend,”  Liss turned and offered a comforting smile to Rila, who looked even more terrified than before.

“Your friend,” she answered hesitantly, “Needs to be back in the servants quarters.  I am certain that her mother is worried about her.”

“But, Mama, we just--.”

“Come, let’s take Rila back to her mother,” she stated definitively, taking Liss by the hand and offering her other hand to Rila, “You will apologize for worrying her, and then you will attend Fergus’ tournament, do you understand?”

“Yes, Mama.”  Liss pouted and hung her head.

Rila’s mother was very grateful for her daughters return, accepting Liss’ apology before she even explained what happened.  She even seemed to suggest that it had been Rila’s fault. Liss attempted to protest, but her mother pulled her away gently.  Rila waved at her somberly before she turned to leave with her mother.

“Mama,” Liss said as she followed along happily with her mother, “Why do Rila and her Mama act so afraid of us?”

“Because they are afraid of us,” she said, more bluntly than Liss was used to.

“But why?”

“That’s,” she began, appearing to struggle to find words to explain, “Just how the world works.”

“The world is dumb,” Liss muttered under her breath, causing a serious look from her mother.  

The sparring ring was not too far from the gardens, a small, circular patch of dirt enclosed by a fence and surrounded by rows of wooden seats. They were used often for training, and sometimes for tournaments such as this one.  It allowed for young swordsmen to show off their prowess as they began to come of age. Liss knew she should be excited to watch her brother fight, and she was proud of him in her own way, but she also wished that she could be out there in the ring herself.

As she and her mother drew closer,  Liss’ eyes were immediately pulled to the far side of the ring, a glimmer of dark hair catching her eyes.  Nobody told her that Nathaniel had arrived for the summer, and her heart swelled with excitement. He had grown in the time since she had last seen him, looking taller, and lankier.  Next to him was the frightening man Liss had come to learn was his father, Rendon. He sat stiffly, pale blue eyes scanning his surroundings. Flecks of grey spattered his hair and brows.  He looked like a black vulture, menacing despite his elegant posture and poise. Liss wondered how her cheerful papa had ever become friends with him.

Still, a smile stretched across her mouth and she looked up at her mother for permission to go talk with Nate. She nodded her approval and Liss took off running  around the side of the ring and toward her friend.

“Nate,” she shouted, throwing her arms around him as soon as she reached him. It had become somewhat of a routine for them.  She would shower him with friendly affection, and he’d return it with a grumble she knew wasn’t real. He always hugged her back.

Except this time.  This time, he tensed up in her arms, frozen, an unmoving statue.  She released him and pulled away tilting her head and offering him a questioning look.  His blue eyes looked sad beneath stern brows and he frowned at her.

“What’re you doing,” he asked harshly,  pulling himself from beneath her grasp.

“I’m saying hi,” she answered.

“Then just say it,” he said, sounding annoyed with her, “You don’t have to touch me.”

“But… it’s what I always do.” Liss backed away from him, tears filling her eyes.  She held them back, not wanting to look like a baby in front of Arl Howe and everyone else present.

“And I always hate it.” Nate darted his eyes to his father and then back to her before turning away.

“Oh.”  She didn’t know what to say to him.  Had he just been pretending to be her friend this whole time? “Sorry.”

Arl Howe chuckled and leaned forward to look at Liss, as he placed a long-fingered hand on Nate’s shoulder.  “You’ll have to forgive Nathaniel, lovely girl,” he said softly as Nate sighed, fists clenched in his lap, “The boy has no sense for manners.”

“Nate has always been polite to me, my lord,” she said with a smile, “He’s probably just having a bad day.”

“Yes, well, how very gracious of you, my lady.  You are everything your father has spoken of and more, aren’t you?” Rendon raised an eyebrow and smiled, seeming to be amused by her statement though she didn’t know why. “Perhaps I should introduce you to my Thomas someday.”

“Thomas, Nate’s younger brother?” Liss was familiar with his siblings but did not know for certain that was who the elder Howe meant.

“Yes.  He’s a very charismatic child, much like yourself.”

“I’d love to meet him, my lord,” she answered cheerfully, “Delilah, too! Nate has told me all about them both.”

“I’m sure Nate has.” His words were cold and biting as a winter night, and Liss didn’t understand.  She certainly didn’t intend to ask. Vultures weren’t very nice birds.

One of Fergus training instructors bellowed the start of the spar, and Liss rushed back toward her mother and father, sitting down between them on a row right next to the fence.  She watched, enthralled, battle after battle, boy after boy. Fergus was easily the largest and most skilled. She wondered how it was even abt fun for him without a challenge.

“Papa,” she asked, eyes still locked toward the ring, “Why are there no girls sparring today?”

“Combat is not standard instruction for ladies, pup.” He tousled her hair and pinched her cheek.

“I want to learn sword-fighting,” she said determinedly, still watching the two boys swinging wooden weapons at one another in the ring.

“Are you sure? Wouldn’t you rather wear pretty gowns and raise children.”

Liss wasn’t sure if he was joking so she offered a defensive answer. “Mama does both.”  Her mother chuckled beside her.

“That she does, my girl.” He laughed and shook his head.  “That she does.”

“So will you let me learn to fight?” She drew her eyes away from the ring to look at her papa and bat her eyelashes. “Maybe I can be a, a knight or a Grey Warden when I get older. Like the Warriors from the stories!”

“I’ll tell you what, pup,” he said gently, “We’ll start with sword-fighting, and when you’re old enough you can decide what you want to do with your skills.”

Liss grinned excitedly, but her celebration was interrupted by a cheering of those on the benches as Fergus had bested his final opponent, and the small audience was rather more pleased than he was.  She knew her brother, knew that he wouldn’t feel he accomplished anything without a real challenge, so what he did next should not have been surprising.

Taking the sparring sword from one of his defeated opponents, he approached the fence toward the far side of the ring, pointing at Nate and saying something she could not quite make out.   Nate appeared to smile, accepted the sword and joined Fergus in the ring.

“Oh, Bryce,” Liss’ mother hissed softly, “Tell him to stop this nonsense.  Nathaniel is half his size. He’s just going to humiliate the poor boy, and in front of Rendon at that.”

“I don’t know,” he replied, a mischievous smile at his cheeks, “Have you seen how hard that boy practices? He might be the only boy here who might prove a challenge to our Fergus.”

“He practices with a bow.”

“And he agreed to the challenge. He could have said no, Eleanor.”

Her mother protested further, but Liss didn’t hear, her attention captured by the beginning of the fight in the center of the ring.  Like her mother, she had never seen Nate train with anything but a bow, but that didn’t mean much. Who knew what sort of lessons he got at home for the better part of the year.  She crossed her fingers and prayed to Andraste that he would beat Fergus. Maybe that would make Rendon proud of him.

Nate held the sword comfortably in his hand, and Liss heard her parents remark that they hadn’t realized “the boy” was left-handed, but she had known that for a while now.  He could shoot a bow with both hands, though, because he practiced. She figured he just wasn’t skilled enough with a sword to do that.

At the sound of a horn, Fergus made a swift swing at Nate, who ducked swiftly and backed away.  Fergus swung again, and Nate dodged again. Liss had no idea he could move that fast. The fight carried on as such for several more minutes a constant stream of swings and dodges.  Nate had not even used his sword once.

“Love, he fights like you,” her father laughed and looked at her mother who returned a grin.

“He’s smart.”

Liss stood and moved to the fence, grabbing the wooden planks in suspense.  Fergus was quite a bit taller than Nate, and had much more weight to him. He also had three years more experience with sparring.  It should have been an easy fight, but this was the first time she had seen Fergus struggle. At one point Nate tripped Fergus and someone in the audience shouted something about the boy fighting without honor.  She didn’t think it mattered to much of someone fought with honor, so long as they fought well.

Eventually, Fergus got the better of her friend, catching him one too many times and knocking him off balance.  Nate was good as long as he avoided contact, but as soon as he had to block, Fergus gained the advantage and sent him hurtling toward the ground.  Both boys laughed and Fergus offered him a good-natured hand up. In the distance, Liss caught a glimpse of Rendon shaking his head and wearing a disgusted expression before getting up and wandering away.  He wouldn’t even say goodbye to his son before he left.

After the match, Liss was free to play as she wished before supper, with the exception that she was not to “bother the little servant girl.”  She had huffed, but ultimately decided against getting either of them into trouble, returning to her hiding spot alone to braid flowers together into delicate crowns that would die before anyone wore them.  It was sad that flowers didn’t stay beautiful once they were plucked.

Normally, she would have sought out Nate, to see if he wanted to play, but she figured he didn’t.  She tried to forget the mean words he said to her before, but she couldn’t quite shake them. She told his father that he was probably just having a bad day, but she’d never actually seen him so upset by her affection.  She’d never actually felt like he wanted nothing to do with her until today. What if he never wanted to talk to her again?

Liss wiped away her tears with her finger tips, but they kept falling.  She wasn’t allowed to play with one of her friends, and her other friend hated her.  It was too much for her to keep in. She hugged her knees to her chest, hung her head and cried.  

A rustling of the branches drew her attention and she turned her head abruptly in the direction of the sound, expecting to see one or both of her parents coming to find her to wash up, but instead she found a familiar pair of bright blue eyes looking back at her.

“Thought you might be here,” Nathaniel said, ducking under the branches and sitting across from her.  “Your parents are looking for you. It’s time for supper.”

She turned her face away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears. “I’m not” she sniffled despite herself “hungry.”

“Liss,” he said softly, reaching out to touch her shoulder, “Are you crying?”

“No.” She sniffled again.

“Yes you are.” He peered around so that he could see her face. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you care?” More sniffles. “You don’t like me anyway.”

“Don’t be silly.” He grabbed her shoulder more tightly, shaking her playfully.  “Of course I like you.”

“Then why’d you act so mean earlier, huh?”  She was shouting, but she didn’t care.

“It’s,” he signed, “It’s my father.  I’m not sure why, but he doesn’t like that we’re friends.  I just… didn’t want to make him angry, is all. I’m afraid he won’t let me come back.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”  He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.  I should never have said those things to you.  I definitely didn’t mean them.”

“I forgive you,” she reassured him, content to know he was still her friend.

“Thank you.”

“On one condition.” She held up a finger playfully. “You have to wear this to supper.” She picked up one of the flower wreaths and sat it atop his head.  He grumbled, but seemed to resign himself to wearing it.

“Just this once, Liss.”  He sounded grumpy but she saw the hint of a smile on his lips.  

“You. Look. Beautiful,” she chirped, kissing him on the cheek before placing another crown on her head.  “And we match.”

It was difficult to see in the shade of the tree branches, but she was almost sure she saw a tint of pink across his face.

“I didn’t know you could fight with swords,” Liss said cheerfully, grabbing his hand as they walked together toward the dining hall.

“I can’t” Nate laughed, squeezing her hand in return.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #termperance #update #my writing

[kangaroo-r00]

[PERSONAL GOALS]

feel free to ignore this it’s just for my shitty memory tbh

{ G E N D E R  I D E N T I T Y }

- NAME CHANGE NAME CHANGE NAME CHANGE RIGHT AS I HIT 18 MY DAD CAN EAT SHIT      > Lmao don’t forget to change every part of ur name u forgetful bastard - Buy @ least 1 binder       > Actually measure my cup size so I can finally buy a fucking binder             > Get tighter bras if I can’t buy a binder soon - Ask mom to go shopping w/ me        > Buy @ least 1 CASUAL dress (dress for sister’s wedding does not count)            > Maybe get a skirt - I WANNA WEAR A SUIT BEACAUSE ID LOOK HOT IN ONE - Only introduce myself as Roux (already doing that p well - Next time I go swimming (if ever) wear baggy t shirt & shorts - Learn how to apply makeup       > Ask sisters or consult youtube - Buy men’s jeans (for the practical pockets)       > Basically shop in whatever fucking aisles I want because I will  n o t  be restricted by something like gender  - Wear more baggy hoodies - Check out the men’s aisle for hygiene stuff (because, hey, no pink tax & I like the men’s stuff better) - Paint my nails more (kinda got off track doing that) - Learn how to present more masculine??? - Maybe do stuff w/ my voice??? - Work on my walk (kinda feminine???) - Shave my legs??? (it’s been over a year so I dunno) - For the love of all that is holy ask my doctor abt birth control becuz dysphoria runs rampant on shark week, cramps suck ass, & the fact that my uterus still works properly is transphobic - Start saving up to eventually get surgery & change my name (if I take an off year for college then maybe I can get surgery b4 I go???)      > Split portions of my paychecks & money to go to an account or fund or whatever           > Top surgery & get uterus removed or something along those lines (tubes tied, sell eggs???) - Make sure I get (at the very least) Roux on my junior ring - Write more abt being nonbinary. Representation!!! - Basically be not subtle abt being nonbinary       > Be openly out to my whole school??? because fuck I hate being labelled as a girl at STA that shit fucking sucks            > LOBBY AGAINST SKIRTS BECAUSE THEY SUCK WHEN THEYRE REQUIRED - Try to figure out my identity more (am I just using nonbinary as an umbrella term??? what other pronouns do I feel comf w/???) - Move somewhere LGBTQ+ tolerant

{ R E L I G I O N }

- Cut myself off from Catholicism completely (gonna be hard when I go to a catholic school haha end me)      > Try to get past my church hurt            > I dunno stop making so many jokes abt Catholicism (lmao maybe not; im still salty af) - Look more into other religions       > Learn more abt Wicca &/or Paganism            > Talk to some actual Wicca & Pagans for more info - Do some soul searching            > What do I believe in exactly??? What are my morals??? What’s important to me??? - Move somewhere religiously tolerant

{ S C H O O L }

- Actively try harder even if I don’t want to       > Please try super hard in math again             > Try harder in Latin becuz ur not doing ur best!!! - Write. Notes. For. Everything. - Please don’t stop using ur planner becuz ur memory is fucking atrocious       > Turn in all ur homework heathen - GPA is somewhat important!!! Raise that shit!!! - Ask for help!!! - Don’t wait until last minute??? - Pursue some kinda zoology / conservationist / writing degree - Enter more contests       > Try for scholarships???  

{ M I S C E L L A N E O U S }

- TATTOOS BABEY (nature ones uwu)      > A wolf, snake, or peacock would be p lit           > & SPACE                > & PLANTS & FLOWERS - Dye my hair more fun colors      > Dye my hair unnatural colors every summer finals becuz fuck STA!!!           > Dye my hair unnatural colors for graduation becuz FUCK STA!!!                > Dye my hair unnatural colors becuz FUCK BARB!!! - PIERCINGS I WANT THEM      > Cartilage piercings???           > Nose piercing???                 > Eyebrow piercing???                       > Tongue piercing??? (I dunno abt this one) - Learn more German becuz u mad Duo sad & he’ll kill ur family if u don’t!!! - Draw u bastard!!! - Sing more!!! - Compliment people more!!!      > Talk to people u think are cool!!! - Visit more wildlife sanctuaries & zoos      > Visit more places w/ nature!!! - Donate to more charities!!! - Foster all the dogs & cats!!! - I WANT ALL THE PETS (I WILL BE THE CRAZY ANIMAL PERSON)      > Reptiles, arachnids, amphibians, mammals, rodents, birds, & insects!!! - Maybe foster teens when I’m a Proper Adult™??? - I like plants!!! I want to learn how to take care of them!!!      > Ask Sarah for tips & knowledge!!! - Get a book published!!! - Learn how to cook &/or bake adequately - Buy more earrings!!!      > More jewelry in gen!!! - Learn more abt astronomy, geology, & phycology - Try more styles!!! Buy more clothes!!! - Live somewhere in the country???      > Just somewhere w/ lots of nature & less people!!! - I wanna be a nice person!!!

#goals #personal #gender stuff #feel free to ignore #get to know me #to be updated #subject to change #reasons to live

[lookwhatilost]

cool, i have an hour to kill so im jst going to answer this dumb ask meme that i saw on my dash under a cut, bc i definitely do not have enough followers to engage w stuff like this the normal way

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  spotify

is your room messy or clean? messy

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? i’ve hated it for as long as i can remember. thinking it’s jst the combination of it being an unusual first name, being picked on for it a lot bc kids are mean, and having everyone around me insist that i’d love my name come adulthood bc it never ended up happening. i still want to change it legally but i have to figure out something i won’t tire of. “jackie” is working for now but idk abt committing to that one

what is your relationship status? disinterested

describe your personality in 3 words or less turbulent

what color hair do you have? dark brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? blue honda civic

where do you shop? forever 21, h&m, a few places online

how would you describe your style? trying too hard

favorite social media account i like kbnoswag on twitter lmao

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? jst col and my two step sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? probably anchorage bc it’s scenic, the housing/rental market is abt the same as it is here, but the wages tend to be higher

favorite snapchat filter? when they make special versions of the dog filter for different holidays... i love those

favorite makeup brand(s) nyx mainly

how many times a week do you shower? i do it every day but if im in a shitty place mentally, i wont on my days off

favorite tv show? bojack horseman

shoe size? 9

how tall are you? 5′7″

sandals or sneakers? sneakers

do you go to the gym? i work out but i dnt go to a gym bc i’ve always had exercise equipment at home and my apartment has a fitness center, so i cant justify paying for a membership

describe your dream date i dream abt other things

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $70

what color socks are you wearing? blue

how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 bc i love only using 2 and then kicking the other ones off my bed somehow when im asleep

do you have a job? what do you do? yeah, i’ve been doing hair for 4 odd years now

how many friends do you have? a decent handful but i only consider myself very close w two of them

whats the worst thing you have ever done? a lot probably but nothing rly sticks out to me as the objective “worst”

whats your favorite candle scent? yankee candle makes one called “golden sands” and i like that one a lot

3 favorite boy names/3 favorite girl names for various rzns i’d rather not answer the baby names question. pass

favorite actor? i can’t think of one off the top of my head, but i like jim carrey a lot

favorite actress? amy adams!

who is your celebrity crush? i’m not invested in famous ppl like that, but if you asked me this when i was 12, i’d have said pete wentz lmfao. probably my only one ever

favorite movie? this is hard lol. arrival, interstellar, and gone girl come to mind, though

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i do. difficult to pick favorites bc i like more nonfiction stuff... i liked a brief history of time a lot

money or brains? brains. i have my own money

do you have a nickname? what is it? jackie is technically a nickname i guess. fati calls me “salvadore” and i hate it w a passion

how many times have you been to the hospital? a lot but i’ve only stayed there for an extended period 3 times

top 10 favorite songs stop they’re all special to me in different ways... 

do you take any medications daily? i did for a while

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) oily

what is your biggest fear? nothing that hasn’t already happened lol

how many kids do you want? none

whats your go to hair style? i cut it into a bob periodically and let it grow out until it annoys me, rinse and repeat til i die

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) average?

who is your role model? no one. all people are jst people

what was the last compliment you received? probably someone calling me smart or something. i hear it a lot but i dnt rly believe it

what was the last text you sent? “yes binch”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? probably pretty young if i was ever lead to believe it period. i dnt remember ever having any faith in that

what is your dream car? i had my dream car and it was more of a hassle than anything. a good metaphor for life, probably

opinion on smoking? cigarettes? do whatever you want. weed? do whatever you want, but stop saying it cures cancer. meth/crack? maybe you should chill

do you go to college? that didn’t work out

what is your dream job? being able to sustain myself without one

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs definitely. lived in rural areas before. driving 30 minutes one way to the grocery store is not something i ever feel inclined to experience again.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? depends on what they are

do you have freckles? yes

do you smile for pictures? only when my mom makes me

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 2377

have you ever peed in the woods? no

do you still watch cartoons? i mean bojack is a cartoon. but ones for children, no

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? stan wendy

Favorite dipping sauce? chick fil a sauce

what do you wear to bed? long old tshirt and this jacket i have from middle school typically lol. i have 3 actual pairs of pajamas though

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never had an opportunity to even enroll in one. my schools never ran them

what are your hobbies? i read and write a lot, still trying to kill the rolling stone 500 albums list, i paint sometimes, jst general Bitch Desperate For Escapism things

can you draw? i used to a lot more than i do now but i’m still halfway decent at it

do you play an instrument? guitar & bass. i’m better at bass. i’m better at guitar hero but that dznt count

what was the last concert you saw? fall out boy i think? i’m having trouble remembering if that was before or after roger waters

tea or coffee? both but tea is a little easier to make so i drink more of it

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? bux. jesus christ

do you want to get married? not planning on it

what is your crush’s first and last initial? i’m too disillusioned to feel that way abt ppl rn

are you going to change your last name when you get married? definitely not

what color looks best on you? pastels

do you miss anyone right now? yeah but it dznt matter

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? absolutely

what is your biggest pet peeve? when customers make a scissor cutting motion w their hands when they’re describing their haircut to me. it’s sooooo weird and stupid and idg why so many people do it

last person you called` ian

favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? i hate sprinkles bc they are pointless

what shirt are you wearing? a tank top

what is your phone background? my lock screen is a pic i took of the lacey street theater in fairbanks the first time i was there. my background is a pic i took in denali when i was there w ian

are you outgoing or shy? i want to socialize but i dnt know how. shy i guess?

do you like it when people play with your hair? no, honestly i find it rly unpleasant

do you like your neighbors? katie and alexis are the best drinking buddies anyone could ask for. isaac is great. everyone else i could take or leave

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? yes and both

have you ever been high? yeah

have you ever been drunk? constantly

last thing you ate? 1/2 of a jimmy johns veggie club

favorite lyrics right now uhhhh idk i dnt get stuck on music like that

summer or winter? winter

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? i dnt rly like chocolate

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign gemini

who was the last person you cried in front of? ian

#Ask memes

[danisnotofire]

hey im going to orientation in a few days and im rly nervous abt starting college, i was just wondering if you had any tips or any ~advice~ bc im like, lowkey freaking out ((also i also stage manage and i love musicals and astronomy (sry i was snooping around your about page)))

hey!!! ok i am so so so sorry this took so long lol i actually just went back to school myself to help out with a pre-orientation program and we’ve been having like 17 hour days so i’m Exhausted and haven’t had a lot of time to really give a thoughtful answer (UNTIL NOW). some of this is gonna sound cheesy, but this is Emma Danisnotofire’s Official Real List of Pro-Tips for College, so if it’s on here it’s true. that being said, i go to a medium/small school (4,000 students) in the middle of fucking nowhere, so some of my experiences are gonna be a lil different. most still apply. 

first off, it’s TOTALLY OKAY that you’re nervous. i know when i went i was highkey freaking out even more bc everybody else seemed to be just excited and i felt like i was the only one actually losing my mind from how scared i was. i didn’t sleep at all the night before i moved in. being scared is fine. you’ll probably be scared for awhile after you get there, too, and that’s absolutely okay. i remember it took me a solid few weeks for me to stop feeling nauseous from nerves whenever i woke up. i promise i promise this will go away. you will settle in and you’ll make friends and you’ll figure out where everything is and how things work, i PROMISE. 

second, once you get there, don’t be afraid to talk to people!! i know that sounds super cheesy and unhelpful, but seriously. talk to your orientation leaders!! they’re usually upperclassmen and 99% of the time they had to APPLY to get that position, and it’s because they’re so so excited to meet you!! i’m a mentor for this pre-o program (it’s arts-focused), and we all had to apply, and every single other mentor is super passionate not only about the arts but about making sure the incoming freshman feel comfortable and happy and at home right off the bat. we want to like you!! talk to us!!! talk to each other!! at my school, (bucknell), orientation is actually pretty fucking legendary (it’s 5 straight days of just. nonstop activities), so getting to know your group is always nice. good conversation starters include: compliment something they’re wearing/have done, mention pets, ask about what classes they’re taking. that’s usually where i start when i’m talking to my kids!! 

okay, now for some Actual Tangible Advice. most of this is actually taken from when i gave my friend natalie some advice about college, but it’s still applicable to you!! i’m putting it under a readmore bc It’s So Very Long, I’m Sorry, I Really Hope This Helps/Makes Up For Me Not Answering For So Long

-if you can, get a microwave. if you can’t, it’s nbd because there’s probably one in your dorm somewhere. but it’s really nice not to have to put on shoes/socks to go make ramen at 3am

-INVEST IN GOOD SOCKS!!!! srsly omg you’re never gonna wanna go anywhere barefoot, and dorm heating/cooling can be tricky. i treated myself to a 5-pair box where they’re all different classic art pieces. they’re GORGEOUS and super nice for when i can’t find my flip-flops.

-also, if you have birks. bring them. they are also good for sliding on when u really have to pee in the middle of the night and can’t for the life of u find anything else. also everyone i know wears birks casually (i have a 20 dollar pair of fake ones from american eagle lol)

-OLD NAVY HAS FLIP FLOPS 2 FOR 5 DOLLARS. they make the BEST shower shoes and also they come in so many lit colors they’re the bomb digs. these are also good if you don’t have a pair of birks

-if your dorm doesn’t have it already (most dorms don’t) BUY A SCREEN FOR YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY if u hate bugs you do NOT want them coming in when all u want is some fresh air. my roommate last year brought one to school bc i didn’t even think about it and it was a LIFESAVER.

-if you can, get one of those febreeze scent things you plug in. if you aren’t allowed, there’s this thing called a scentsy that basically melts wax and it makes your room smell SO. GOOD. idk how much they cost but honestly you will be thankful you have it if you can get it (candles work too but most dorms don’t allow candles)  

-you don’t need a huge plastic shower caddy!! you can get a softer one and then hang it on a hook outside the shower or loop it around the shower knob. they’re probs better than a big hard one bc they won’t fill up with water and you can stash it easier. (i went with a big plastic one and it’s a hassle lol). however, if you already got a big plastic one, that’s cool too bc sometimes they come with a removable second smaller caddy, and that’s good for putting your phone in outside of the shower to play music.

-lofting your bed is super nice bc it gives you a little more privacy from your roommate (and privacy is so so so rare in college, esp in a dorm). it’s also nice bc if you’re up there and a friend walks into your room (which is bound to happen with dorm living, which is where i’m assuming ur living as a first-year) they won’t immediately see you, which gives you a few seconds to get ur shit together before they see you.

-HOWEVER!! there are a few downsides to lofting ur bed. the major one is that it’s a pain in the ass to not only get up there, but also to lug your laptop/charger/snacks/etc up there, and once you’re up u probably aren’t gonna wanna come down. also, i don’t know if you drink, (which btw totally cool if you don’t!!), but there was definitely one time where i was too drunk to climb into my bed (i know, i know, several bad choices were made that night and i regret all of them), but thankfully my roommate last year was a fucking goddess though (a definite Mom Friend) and pulled all my sleeping stuff down to the floor lol. it’s rare that something like that happens, but it’s definitely something u wanna take into consideration.

-college is infinitely emotionally taxing. face masks and shower bath-bombs (you put them on the floor of your shower and they slowly dissolve and release whatever scent they are) do LOADS to make u feel better. face masks are also good bonding with friends!! 

-some other self-care college tips: cafes will usually have either hot apple cider in the fall, or you can get steamed milk with vanilla in it and it’s very soothing and gentle and calming. i got it a lot when i was sick just bc it was warm and not difficult to stomach. 

-also baking. if you get a few friends and bake something, it is 1) bound to be hilarious and 2) everyone who walks by will love you. we once made cinnamon buns, except instead of individual ones we made one big disgusting MegaBon, and we still talk about it to this day. it’s the name of our group chat lmaooo

-you can literally never have too much storage. plastic bins, crates, etc. never too much.

-you will leave college with so much more stuff than what you came with. holy shit. you will also get so many t-shirts??? see above. you’ll need storage.

-college is also the definition of ‘Everything is Happening All The Time’, and ur probably gonna make friends who try and do Everything. it took me super long to internalize the fact that it’s okay to like, say no to doing something and take a nap instead. not all the time, sometimes its good to force urself out of your room, but you can stay in on a saturday every once in a while! it doesn’t matter. 

-that being said, do try and go out of your comfort zone a little!! i was definitely not the type to do this in high school, but these days i’ll sometimes go to frat parties!! they’re actually really fun when you go with friends (and always go with friends!!!). it doesn’t even necessarily need to be parties either. audition for a capella. stage manage a show. do a club sport. there’s so much you can do!! (i actually didn’t follow my own advice here last year, i was too terrified to do a lot of things. i did theatre though, which ended up taking up most of my time anyway, but i still wish i had done more, hence why i’m doing this program right now! don’t be like first-year me. be better!)

-HOWEVER here are some (frat) party tips: girls can usually get into parties much easier than guys can, but either way don’t try to go out until around october/late september. the first few weeks back are for upperclassmen catching up with friends . go with a group, and STAY with your group. please. no girl left behind. they usually only serve shitty beer, and ofc you should keep your eyes on it the whole time. if you put it down, just go get another one instead of picking that one up again. also, invest in a shitty coat/gross pair of shoes specifically to wear to the frats. the floors are gross, and you’re probs gonna end up storing your jacket behind a trash can in the winter bc it’s too fucking hot inside the room to keep it on. (is this coat thing just a bucknell thing?? this might just be a bucknell thing). 

-more drinking/etc/stuff: know your rights. RAs are not allowed to look through drawers/open closets when doing room searches, so if you have wine or anything, make sure it’s hidden in somewhere they’re not allowed to touch.

-THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT: if someone has drank too much, BACKPACK THEM. get them into bed while wearing a filled up backpack. it prevents people from rolling over and choking on their vomit. i cannot emphasize how important it is for you to backpack someone. if you can, stay with them to make sure they’re okay. also, don’t be afraid to let them throw up before they go to bed. it helps. they’ll usually feel better. 

-if you can, get a job that lets you sit down. receptionist, librarian, etc. these are the best, bc sometimes you’ll get the  chance to study or get paid for doing nothing. also? receptionist looks SUPER good on a resume. also? money is nice.

-LOCK YOUR DOOR!!!!! I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY WHEN SOME WEIRD SENIOR BOY WALKED INTO MY ROOM DRUNK AT 3AM AND WOULDN’T LEAVE. also, you’ll make friends in the first week that you won’t necessarily want to be friends with later on, but they won’t get that message lol. again, lock your door (learned that the hard way, too)

-for future semesters, if you can’t get into a class right away it REALLY helps to email the professor!!! seriously, 9 times out of 10 they are more than happy to let an extra person in, because there are always students who drop the class within the first week or two. that’s how i got into astronomy my first semester, and i’m now a teacher’s assistant for it. so. really, it helps.

-the best way to be better friends with people is to just, get meals with them. honestly. make a group chat with some people and whenever ur getting dinner or lunch or whatever just throw out a ‘hey anyone wanna get food with me??’ text. 90% of the time someone will come with you.

-speaking of meals tho, ik this is the number 1 thing people tend to say, but it’s tRUE. nobody cares if you eat alone. it too me SO LONG to internalize this, but it’s totally fine to do!! it’s actually really nice sometimes, you can bring homework or your laptop and get some work done. it’s not even with meals, either! you can study alone! you can walk places alone! you can go to the gym alone! i was always terrified of being seen alone bc i thought people were gonna think i didn’t have friends or w/e dumb thing my anxiety had me feeling, (i still struggle with that lmao) but in reality you just look independent and cool!!! also, it helps to be content in the fact that you have friends and it doesn’t matter if people THINK you don’t.

-get a reusable water bottle. i got a plastic one for like 12 bucks, and i use it DAILY. if ur walking a lot, it helps keep you hydrated. also, it gives you something to do in class. also, you can personalize it with stickers and stuff (you can do the same with a laptop case). i p much take mine with me EVERYWHERE.

-this was also hard for me to internalize, but u gotta remember the fact that it’s okay not to be who u were in high school. like, i gave up some of the things i was into in high school in favor of some other things, and it took me awhile to figure out that i wasn’t like, betraying anyone, if that makes sense?? like, i started going to frat parties and actually having FUN at them??? (something i NEVER would have been into in high school, but here we are).

-also, grades are very different in college. i freaked out when i wasn’t getting a 4.0, because that’s who i was in high school, but then i kinda put it in perspective. i ended with a 3.67, which is still dean’s list. you’re not going to be perfect, bc chances are you ended up at a school with people on kinda equal intelligence levels as you. don’t freak out. 

okay that’s pretty much it!!! i can def come up with more stuff tailored to certain things/etc if you want me to talk more about this stuff!!! i love giving college advice and talking and helping people feel better about this whole thing bc i know it’s hard and scary

#college advice #college #university #advice #pro tips #Anonymous #im so sorry if ur on mobile and the readmore doesn't work #hopefully this makes up for me disappearing for a few days #alright now back to the void #goodniiiight

[dredshirtroberts]

y’all it’s been a month and i’m drunk so i’m gonna ramble

you know what FUCK HIM.

i have wasted my life focusing and obsessing over people who are not deserving of my loveliness.

Like i’m a disaster trashcan don’t get me wrong, but fuckin’....i’m worth more than people who don’t give a fuck about me.

there’s one guy right now that i’ve kinda been focused on for a lil while but I know it’s not ever going to happen so i’m just like...*shrug emoji*

but like...of all the people i’ve ever liked he’s probably the closest to someone i’d actually be happy with.

and i’ve been struggling with the whole sexual identity thing recently because honestly, i like dudes a lot more than i like the ladies - but I DEFINITELY like some ladies y’all. so like...i’m super attracted to the masculine, but I feel uncomfrotabel with that because I feel like...that’s not allowed?????

idk

Also I’m not sure how I feel about vagina...like...i don’t even like my own so how’m i supposed to like someone elses’sess? 

Fuck

I have a super high libido but like I don’t have “sexual attraction” i think? unless sometimes??? fuckin...

y’all my sexuality has always been a grey space and part of that is because I’m gender fluid but my preferences don’t change with my gender so it’s like super...idk

I should not be doing a text post this far into my cups y’all.

but I got some good music and I got a Big Ass Bottle of wine (BAB) that i’m onlay like...a third thru. and I’m lookin to get CRUNK tonite.

my fucikn disliexia man. i can’t spell for SHIT anymroe.

but i dont’ have to TRY. like...ain’t no one gonna judge me for my spelling and if they do what the fuck ever man. I ain’t got no one to please but myself and I can’t fuckin’ spell.Never done been able to do so in the first place.

I just...

I’m trying to get my shit together and it’s really fuckin hard because I honestly...am not cut out for capitalism. I’m looking at alternative jobs until my dad can hire me on full time because fuckin...i don’t want to be beholden to a fuckin corporation. i just wanna chill and handle my schedule on my time. need to do banking? I can go handle that at any point in the day and not worry about how long my break is. Wanna treat myself to lunch? Fuck yeah, go to lunch and enjoy yourself bitch. Need a haircut? Just do it hunty. 

I just...

I love the experience my current job has given me but i hate hte work. I don’t wan tot do it. how can I work from home and make a reliable amount of money? Maybe I start writing listicles. fuck yeah I coudl do that. 

Mom gave me a super nice compliment last saturday. Apparently I write well when I’m inspired. So like...if I could do that for the rest of my life I totes would because I FUCKIN LOVE writing my thoughts out. y’all i’m so good at it too. 

my glass is empty and i gotta pee...fuck...gimme a second.

...

aiight we back

fuckin...

So when I was younger my favorite bestest memories with my family were my parents and I just sitting down with a hockey game or anything paused on the fuckin tv while we just...sat and goddman...kibitzed. If that’s not a word it is now.

So in order to do the thing now I just turn my music up so I can’t ear anything else on whatever music app I’ve got while I get drunk as fuck and scroll thru the internet and shit.

I can’t fuckin read when I drink (barely can type so like...y’all if you can read this you fuckin amazing and you deserve a hug when I get to see you next) so like i’m limited. plus with the music up I don’t listen to videos I watch so...if I ever reblog a thing that the music is very bad (tm) let me know and I’ll listen to it properly because I probably did not listen.

I just...

fuck i just wanna make out with someone you know? I fuckin love kissing y’all. Kiss me all day long. I’m a fuckin sucker for it. Anyone. doesn’t matter if who you are or what your are or wahtever, I just wanna kiss you. cause like...that’s what I enjoy. no strings, no feelings (unless you want there to be). I haven’t had a proper makeout session in AGES. since I moved from c-burg. and even then that was...relatively not so great because dude could not kiss at ALL. i miss it y’all. i miss kissing so fuckin much. 

And the saddest part of my whole life? i have had so few chances to kiss and make out and fuckin I spent the past four and a half years with someone who didn’t even like it.

I wasted that time when I could ahve been kissing someone who fuckin’ deserved it and wasn’t a self-centered asshole.

cause like..FUCK HIM. He fucked me the fuck over and wants to play the victim. I’m tired of trying to be chill about shit and the bigger person and not slander his fucking name because he fucked me up. I’m fucked the fuck up because of him! I am so screwed and I had some part in the failing of our relationship I don’t want to deminish that fact but frankly I was not the biggest contributer to the bad bits. Frankly I did the most to try and keep that hsit together and he did fuckin NOTHING. 

I’m glad his mother lvoes him because otherwise he’s fuck out of luck y’all. Can’t even take care of his fuckin self. I mean I can’t take care of me neither but like...I’m better at it than he is.

I at least know how to run a household. 

DANCE FLOOR COVER OF I’M WITH YOU HOLY SHIT OKAY MY 13YO SELF IS JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY???

but yeah like...i fuckin...bent over goddamn backwards for a grown ass man who couldn’t function further than a 16 yo boy and you know they ain’t got self-sufficiency. I was the younger in the relationship but I was lightyears (yes i know it’s a distance) ahead of him maturity-wise.

is it so wrong to want to be taken care of, for once? I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and caring for myself. can’t someone care for me? just occasionally. id on’t really ask for much. I honestly just want someone to be cuddly with me and care about me. Take care of me when I’m sick like I take care of them when they’re sick. not ignore me, or brush me off when I’m talking, but understand when I’m needing time to myself.

Someone to sit with me and listen to music and drink and have a good time. Watch comedy specials and fun shows that we BOTH like. or at least show some interest in finding out what I enjoy and maybe giving it a try. Do you know how many things I gave up entirely because he wouldn’t enjoy them? so many. mroe than I want to think about.

I jsut...

I changed my life for him and I can’t get what I had back for a very long time and I am so MAD. but like at the same time...fuck him, you know?

like...he doesn’t deserve any emotional energy i’m putting into this. 

And...and the cats? Yeah...talking about that finally was a turning point for me. I’m still really fucked up about it but...I’ll move on. I lived so many years without anyone or anything relying on me and me not relying on anyone. I can do it again. 

Shit I’ve been more comfortable since i movd out. I haven’t even really felt lonely. I just...there are some aspects of a relationship that i miss even though some of them I never had in the first place???

so i’ve been missing them since before I was in a proper relationship? I’m 27 and I haven’t had a partner who gave a shit about me, ever. I have never had anyone have a crush on me and if they have then they apparently didn’t give enough of a shit about that to bring it up. I’ve had crushes on so many people and I’m terrible with secrets so anyone I’ve had a crush on has been told. 

and all of them are in happy healthy relationships. well. or halfway across the globe and I told them at the worst possible itme and I have like 0 chance because he definitely does not give a shit about me outside of frienship. but that’s fine.

it’s not but i’m going to pretend it is because...well...in some ways I’m more comfortable living in my fantasy world where i can maladaptively daydream about shit that will never happen because it’s easier.

anyway...

this has gone on for a lot longer than initially intended and i have no idea what iv’e written but i know it’s laden with typos. sorry abt that.

i love you all and you all are completely and utterly special to me. i hope you have a lovely evening/night/day and i want you to know that i care about you and your health and safety. don’t forget to drink water and get proper amounts of sleep for your situation. i love you <3

#ramble #i'm drunk af #sorry

[hobjoon]

Are you going to announce who won??? (I'm curious to see what they wrote)

I don’t usually announce my giveaway winners but sure, I’ll list them down here. Everything that they wrote were all very simple but I relate to them. It’s simple but very touching, imo :’)

@hoseokskitten#hobiforreal#oh wow okay why I love Hobi so much#Of course there's the normal reasons: he's so bright and cheerful and happy all the time and he just wants to make everyone smile#But it's so much more than that it's hard to articulate into words#I love how passionate he is#Passions is such a beautiful thing... to love something so much that it burns in your veins and sets your soul alive#And it's so evident how passionate he is#passionate about dancing and about loving the other members and his family and his fans#and so passionate about growing and bettering himself and making himself the absolute best that he can be#and I love how empathetic he is#He really truly just wants to brighten everyone's lives and when someone he loves is hurting it hurts him so much#And I love how you can always tell what he's feeling because he can't keep his emotions off of his face he's so open#And to know that he suffers from anxiety as well and he fights through it and brightens so many people's lives in spite of the anxiety#it's so inspiring#he really does give me so much hope#When I first got into BTS the first thing I read about Hobi was that he chose his name because#'he wants to be a source of light and hope for his fans'#and I really connected with that immediately I had an immediate connection with him#Because that's what I want to be for people I want to make everyone happy I want to be a safe space for people#So I connected with him immediately and the more I've learned about him the more I see myself in him#and he really just inspires me to be a better a person#he gives me hope for my own future and he inspires me to be the best person that I can be and to reach out to people who are hurting#and like /especially/ with the anxiety I've been fighting anxiety for years and knowing that he has too just makes me love him even more#and it just gives me that much more hope because he's actively showing me that it can be done#he's doing it I can do it too#he's fighting his own demons and he's still out there bettering himself and being such a bright ray of light and hope for people#he really is my hope#my light and my love

@hobgi#first of all bless u val ur so sweet for doing this!!!#okay for the reasons why i love hobi (lets see if theres a tag limit omg)#he's so beautiful and stunning and pretty and hot and sexy like he's so gorgeous#the way his cheeks rise when he smiles and the way he claps his hands while he laughs#the fact that people even say that he looks better in person too??? the thought makes me dizzy like his beauty radiates sm off of pics#and vids of him...like i cant imagine seeing him in real life i would probably faint#and ofc i cant forget how talented he is#not just his amazing dancing but EVERYTHING he does#his rapping and his vocals#like he didnt have much experience in rapping before bts and now???#he has some of the most iconic bts rap verses???#like remember that one time a fan told him that he was her fave rapper and he was so touched by it????? im really happy he got to hear that#like me too sis#he's my role model#i really admire a lot of things about him#i love his energy and positivity#and how he's able to be anyone's friend and just attract ppl#he has this charisma that i really admire and i want to be that person too??#to be so full of life and being able to draw any person to you??? like he IS That Person#he loves bts so much and he takes care of everyone and makes them happy#and how he pushes himself so hard and never stops#he'll work so hard that his feet start to bleed#he dedicates sm of himself into perfecting everything he does for bts#and honestly none of us deserves him??? and it makes me so sad that ppl would bash on him bc#AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY I LOVE HIM IS THAT#HE!! MADE!! A!! SONG!! ABT!! HIS!! MOM!!#like he's in his twenties he coulve wrote abt anything#he's really such a good hearted person who is full of energy and dedication and love#i lov him sm :(( and im so proud of him ;-;

@hobis-moving-castle#i love him because he always seems to put others before himself#because he works so hard to not only perfect the choreo for himself but helps his members too#because he gets all shy and blushes when someone compliments him#because he worked so hard to learn how to rap even though he felt so out of place so he could be a good rapper for his team#because even though they have gained so much success he always mentions how he wants to be even better for us#because all he ever wanted was to be able to make his parents proud#because of the way his little ears stick out when he  wears hats#because of how his smile is as almost as bright as his personality#because although his personality may seem bright there are times where he is struggling himself but he never fails to put on his dazzling sm#ile for others in order to be there hope#because he is sugas battery that helps him gain energy#because i he loves to collect cute little figurines that are almost as cute as himself#because of the adorable mole on his lip#because of the way his dimples show when he eats food#because his laughter is so contagious you cant help but smile#because he is an amazing dancer rapper and singer yet he still remains so humble#because of his passion and deidcation his applies to everything that he does#because of that booty tho#because even though he sings infront of thousands of people hes still gets scared easily#because every comeback he reveals even more of his talents and never fails to amaze me#because of the way he pouts when he is unhappy about somethin#because of his relationship with the other memers and loving and attentive he is to their needs#because hes loud and cheery and all the people around him never seem unhappy#because of the boy meets evil intro performance#hell every performance ever he gives his 110% and i cant begin to express how much i admire and appreciate him#he deserves the world honestly

@sunnyhoseoks#i love hoseok because i feel such genuine feelings of pride and adoration for him#he's worked so damn hard to get where he is#he's so under-appreciated sometimes but he continues pursuing his dream#he has this determination and fire that comes out in him when he's on stage or even just practicing#that boy belongs on that stage#its his passion and it shows in his bright and fiery personality on stage#it never fails to take my breath away#i believe that that boy can do anything and everything#and even though he'll never know who i am#i will do whatever i can to give him my full support#because i believe he has something special within him#and his constant brightness?#truly admirable#he always puts in 200% into whatever he does#and i can imagine that would get exhausting#because he's human after all#and everyone has setbacks#but he doesn't let it get in his way#he truly fights to constantly emit positive energy#all i want is for him to be truly and purely happy in his life#and to be able to live with confidence in all that he does#whether that be in bts or dancing or whatever#if it makes him happy and he's healthy while doing it then i will be behind him#hobiforreal#im sorry i kinda ranted but i feel very passionate about hobi

#i also got my best friend to read them all with me and help me picked #he doesnt know much about hoseok except for when i talk about him #but he liked these answers #he said it sounds sincere #anonymous #answered

[lolcat76]

Folie A Deux, part 8

If you need a refresher, here’s part 7: http://lolcat76.tumblr.com/post/158990942790/folie-a-deux-pt-7 When last we left our intrepid heroes, Laura had just invited Bill over for dinner. A continuation for the prompt from @okaynextcrisis that will never die. 

Grace had dropped her bowl in the sink and decamped for her room long before Bill showed up. Whether she was trying to give them privacy, or just didn’t want Bill to know that she dared to eat a meal, Laura wasn’t sure, but it left the two of them sitting across from each other at her mother’s scarred kitchen table.

It should have been strange, having Bill sitting in her house, eating out of the bowls she and her sisters fought over when they were children, but it was...nice. Natural, even. He was just rough enough around the edges, even after years of classical training and kissing donor ass, to fit perfectly in her shabby old house.

If she were in the mood to overthink things, that would keep her up tonight, but she was in the mood to eat. She picked through her bowl of soup, pushing tomatoes aside to dig out the chunks of avocado.

“You still do that,” he said.

Her hand froze, her spoon halfway to her mouth. “Do what?”

“Pick out the parts you like best to eat first.”

Did she do that? “I don’t do that.”

He grinned at her, then slurped a mouthful of black beans. She looked down into her own bowl at the tomato chunks shoved to the side. Oh lord, she did do that.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you to save the best for last?” he asked mildly, not bothering to meet her eyes as he took another swig of beer.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you it was rude to comment on a lady’s eating habits?”

He wiped his mouth with his napkin, then grinned at her. “Yep. You did. Several times.”

She snorted. “As I recall, it wasn’t my eating habits you commented on. It was my cooking.”

His spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl. “Well, I’m happy to see that your skills have improved.”

She rolled her eyes. Bill had the palette of a five-year-old, so a compliment on her improving cooking skills was hardly worth registering. “Grace couldn’t fend for herself if I burned dinner. You could. I guess you could say I had incentive to improve.”

“Funny how fast kids change everything.”

Just like that, she remembered why she’d invited him for dinner in the first place. She flushed a little bit, feeling like a heel that she’d completely forgotten about Zak and Lee going home today and leaving Bill alone in his apartment. “And what about you, Dad? Do you cut the crusts off sandwiches?”

“I’ll have you know that my grilled cheese sandwiches are perfect equilateral triangles.”

Laura laughed at the mental picture of Bill, protractor in hand, carefully slicing through toasted bread and melted cheese. “In that case, next time, you’re making dinner.”

“Next time,” he agreed. “Any time.”

She pushed the tomatoes in her bowl around with her spoon, caught off-guard at the idea of next time. Or any time. What was she doing? Playing with fire. He was comfortable in her kitchen. He was the person she called when she was frustrated with work. He was the voice of reason when it came to Grace refusing to eat bread.

He was the person she relied on. Again. And she’d fallen into it so easily that she hadn’t even realized how much she’d started to depend on his steady presence in her life and his calm voice in her ear.

She didn’t want to need him. She didn’t want to need anyone, not ever again, but here he was in her kitchen, watching her and waiting for a response.

“You done?” she asked, reaching for his empty bowl. He didn’t say a word, didn’t move from his seat, just watched her as she dropped the bowls in the sink and rinsed them before throwing them into the dishwasher. She could feel his eyes boring into the back of her head as she dug through the cabinet for dish soap.

Starting the dishwasher and wiping down the countertops would only buy her so much time, and she knew when she was done setting the kitchen to rights, he’d still be in that chair watching her. Dammit, Laura, what were you thinking?

“I should go,” he said, when he finally realized that she could easily spend the rest of the night picking crumbs off the countertop rather than turning around and talking to him. “Thanks for dinner.”

“Any time,” she responded automatically.

“I think that’s my line,” he said with a chuckle.

“It’s getting late. You have company class tomorrow, and I have a beginning yoga class at 10. And I have to check Grace’s homework before she goes to bed.” And wash my hair and paint my toenails and take out the trash and scrub the grout, and anything else that will get you out of my house and out of my head.

“Right, company class. You know, you’re welcome in company class. Might be good for you.”

“I have my day job,” she reminded him.

He raised an eyebrow. “Yoga.”

“Yes, yoga. Yoga pays the bills. Yoga pays for Grace’s tuition to that very expensive ballet school. Yoga pays for the food you just ate. Yoga kept us in this house when I had absolutely nothing to my name after eight years at ABT. I’m sorry if it’s not classy enough for you, Bill, but it’s kept us alive and afloat, so maybe shove it with the judgment a little bit?”

He threw up his hands and backed away from the table. “Fair enough. Thanks for dinner.”

Before she could apologize for her temper, he was gone.

If her mother were here, she’d be horrified. A lady doesn’t chase away a guest for daring to enjoy himself at her table. It was probably for the best that Grace has been in her room for the better part of an hour; Laura certainly hoped that her niece didn’t take her cues on how to deal with the opposite sex from her pathetic aunt.

She shook her head and resumed scrubbing at a scorch mark on the counter that had been burned into the formica since she was six years old. She could get rid of it, finally, if she just tried hard enough. She could erase all her mistakes if she just scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and ignored the tears dripping onto the sponge.

***

Tory was in a mood, that was easy to see. Then again, Tory was always in a mood these days. She hadn’t been the most pleasant person to deal with when Laura had one job; now that she was trying to balance the yoga studio and her rehearsal schedule at the ballet, Tory was downright surly.

“You’re late,” she said, not bothering to look up as she keyed in credit card numbers. “Class is starting.”

Laura was late, but she wasn’t going to apologize - again - for not being able to sleep the night before. Tory would just have to suck it up, or find a new job.

She wouldn’t cry too many tears if Tory did just that. For someone as bossy and demanding as she was, Laura was shocked that Tory condescended to working for hourly pay that was just above minimum wage. Tory should be running a corporation or a political campaign, not wasting her talents on a second-rate yoga studio in a third-rate city.

She smiled and handed Tory a cup of coffee and a muffin, the best bribe she could offer. Tory’s talents may be wasted, but she made sure Laura was where she needed to be when she needed to be there, and that made her worth her weight in gold.

“Blueberry,” Tory muttered with a grimace and shoved the muffin to the edge of the reception desk. Well, she was better than nothing. Laura ignored the muffin that was perched precariously above the trash can and swept into the studio with her yoga mat and her bottle of lavendar essential oils.

“Good morning, class,” she said. She laid out her yoga mat and dimmed the lights. Morning weekday classes were usually light on attendance, mostly retirees and homemakers. She seated herself at the edge of her mat and surveyed the class, smiling at the familiar faces who smiled back at her.

Familiar faces and Bill Adama, front and center on one of the studio’s borrowed mats, grinning like the proverbial cat with a mouthful of canary.

Bill fucking Adama, invading her space, yet again. He was supposed to be teaching company class; why the hell was he here?

She took in a few deep breaths and let out several long exhales. He was here, like it or not, but she had a class to teach. “Sit at the edge of your mats,” she said, “and take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouths. Let your exhales echo through your body.”

Most of the class kept their eyes closed as they practiced their breathing, but Bill stared at Laura as he let go of his exhale, reminding her of just how well she knew the sound of his breath leaving him. Damn him.

“Mountain pose,” she said, digging her toes into the edge of her mat. “We’ll start with sun salutations.”

He followed along as best as he could, and she had to bite the soft tissue of her cheeks to keep from laughing at him as she nudged his feet out of turnout. Maybe it was unfair, but she used him as an example to her class of the proper way to center their core over their standing legs. “Toes, balls and heels anchored to the floor.”

He laughed as she helped him shift his hips into parallel position. “Balls?” he asked softly.

“Shut up or get out,” she muttered.

He didn’t say another word after that, and she was more than a little gratified to watch him struggle to find the right body position through the rest of the class. This must have been what little Billy Adama was like in his first ballet classes, trying so hard to follow along, molding his sturdy frame and slightly bow-legged knees into fifth position. His brow was knit in concentration as he followed along with her instruction, forcing a body that had spent 30 years in ballet class to unlearn everything he’d ever known.

“Savasana,” she said. “Corpse pose. Close  your eyes and breathe deep, and let the energy flow through you and depart.” She edged her way across the room, spritzing a little bit of lavendar oil over each of her students. Yoga taught mindfulness, yet she moved automatically until she found herself at Bill’s mat. She touched his shoulders briefly, just as she had done with the rest of her students, but he surprised her by reaching up to tangle his fingers in hers.

“Corpse pose,” she hissed at him. His eyes opened, and he grinned at her.

“Not dead yet.”

If her Yelp reviews ever got wind of the fact that she sprayed lavendar essential oil directly in the face of one of her new students, she’d be sunk.

***

He was waiting for her when she came out of the back office, eyes a little bit red, but looking none the worse for wear.

“So that’s what you do all day.”

Laura hummed in agreement. “That’s what I do all day.”

He handed the beat-up mat to Tory. “I always knew you were a good teacher.”

Of course he did. “I never needed you to tell me I was a good teacher. And you need to work on your breathing.”

Oh good lord, did she just say that out loud?

“Tell you what, I’ll work on my breathing if you’ll work on your port des bras. Your shoulders are a little weak. Come to my class, and I’ll come to yours.”

Her shoulders were just fine, thank you, after years of downward dog. “And what’s in it for me?”

He looked at her, truly looked at her, with her rapidly fraying yoga pants and her hair tossed messily into a ponytail. “You get to make me look like an ass in front of your yoga class. And I get to make you look like a dancer in front of mine.”

“I’m not a dancer, Bill,” she reminded him.

“You’re not a liar either, Laura. Try to remember that.” He picked up his bag and hefted it over his shoulder. “Next time, bring your pointe shoes.”

Pointe shoes. Her calluses were gone, and her pedicure couldn’t survive a class en pointe. “I’m not a dancer, Bill,” she called after him.

“You’ve been a dancer since the day you were born.” He stopped to thank Tory, and damn her if she didn’t smile at him. “You owe me. Tomorrow at nine am.”

Tomorrow at nine am she should be getting ready to teach another beginning class, but if Tory’s smile was anything to go by, now was the time to ask for a favor.

Pointe shoes. Bad enough to ask Tory to cover for her, but to ask Tory to teach a class so that she could rip the skin on her feet open over and over again?

She flexed her toes, almost feeling the gel padding shielding her feet from the paste and canvas and hard wings of her shoes.

If he could suffer through her class, she could soldier through his. “Tory,” she said, “what are you doing tomorrow morning?”

***

It was just like riding a bike, if riding a bike meant ripping of the skin of her toes and watching as her feet bled through the pale peach satin of the last pair of pointe shoes she’d owned. Frankly, she’d rather crash into a tree head-first than try another pirouette at this pointe, but Bill was watching her, and she’d be damned if she went down without a fight.

Skin would heal, and toenails would grow back, but Sharon Agathon would never stop smirking at her f she didn’t do the fouette combination.

Who was she kidding? Sharon wouldn’t wipe that smug look off her face regardless, but Laura had her pride, even if she didn’t have the top layers of skin on her toes. How did she ever think this was fun?

She positioned herself for the combination and dropped into a low fourth, ready to start her turn combination. Easy physics, centrifugal force and a mathematical equation. Whip the leg around, tuck in the arms, pray for death and hope for the best. She was far too old for this.

And yet, she was still turning, still refusing to back down, when the music stopped. She dropped into a clean ending pose, despite the fact that her quads were burning and she could no longer feel her feet. God, she was going to have to soak her feet in ice just to lead the Chocolate rehearsal, but her neck was long and her hips were in perfect alignment.

“Grande allegro,” Bill called.

Really? No praise? Nopat on the back? No acknowledgement that at 35, she could still do four eight-counts of fouette turns?

He walked through the grande allegro combination and she pantomimed the steps with her arms, trying to look engaged in the class but wishing desperately she had her spray bottle of lavendar oil.

He was trying to get the best of her. Maybe she should have been kinder to his sons (how much kinder could she be?) Maybe she shouldn’t have mocked his yoga skills. Maybe she shouldn’t have invited him over for dinner in the first place.

Maybe she should throw her bag over her shoulder and sneak out of the studio. Maybe she should admit defeat while she could still walk.

Maybe she could make him eat his words. She leaned into the combination, tombe, pas de bourree, glissade, pas de chat and contretemps. Back and forth, until she was dancing almost against the mirror. She took another couple of steps out of the way and leaned against the barre, her chest heaving.

Damn him, she did miss this. Yoga was great for mindfulness, but nothing could compare to a grande allegro, to those precious few minutes when she felt like she was flying with each jump. Even as she struggled to catch her breath, she couldn’t deny that she felt...good. Strong. Alive.

Her toes cramped in her pointe shoe, and she struggled to walk it off. Alive, yes, and in pain. Whoever made the point about suffering for art wasn’t kidding. She shook her foot, trying to ignore the joints seizing up, and took her place for reverence.

“Good work, class. Rehearsals start in 20,” Bill said, bowing to the company. She lowered herself into the deepest curtsey her aching quads would allow and nodded to the teacher. When she looked up, he was watching her, waiting for her to acknowledge him. And that bastard winked at her. “Good work,” he repeated.

She was slowly peeling the tape off of her bleeding toes when he sat next to her in the hallway. Bill held up a familiar small brown bottle. “Nu-skin? Oh, hell no,” she muttered.

He tugged at her feet, dropping them into his lap before unscrewing the cap. “If you’d used it before class, you wouldn’t be bleeding all over my floors now.” He brushed the thick liquid on her oozing feet, and she braced herself for the sharp sting of antiseptic.

“Dammit, Bill! That hurts!”

“You didn’t used to be such a wimp, Roslin.” He waved his hand over her feet to help the liquid bandage dry. When she finally relaxed enough for him to guess that the initial sting had mellowed, he dug his fingers into the balls of her feet, working out her earlier cramp.

“Did you guilt me into coming to class just so you could watch me suffer?” she asked, but her words lacked bite. Hard to be mad at a man who was rubbing her aching feet.

“No, I guilted you into coming to class because I like to look at your legs in tights. The suffering was just a bonus.”

“You’re funny,” she muttered.

Bill shrugged. “I am funny. But you’ve still got the best legs I’ve ever seen.”

There it was again, the compliment. She tugged her feet out of his lap and tucked them beneath her. “Bill, what am I doing here?”

“Bleeding all over my carpet. I thought we established that?”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I mean, besides that. Taking class, leading rehearsals. What’s the point?”

A shadow crossed his face. “Don’t you like it? I thought you were enjoying it.”

That was the problem. She was enjoying it, far more than she had any right to, given her abrupt retirement years ago. She was enjoying it so much that it was making her doubt every decision she’d made eight years ago, and she had no room in her life right now for that kind of second-guessing. “I am enjoying it. But where is it going? I can take class, but I’m never going to be on stage again, so I guess I’m just wondering...what’s the point?”

The hallways were filling up again, dancers skirting past each other to make it to their rehearsal studios. Karl leaned down to whisper a quick “Good job today” in Laura’s ear before Sharon could tug him away. She watched them make their way down the hall, envying their youth and strength while she dug the heel of her hands into her aching muscles.

“You should be spending your time on them,” she said, nodding to the couple as they disappeared into the main studio. “Not wasting it on me.”

“Laura, I never considered time spent with you wasted.”

She ignored the heavy meaning in his words. She was exhausted, and she could feel a bruise starting to throb under her big toenail. She wasn’t up for yet another discussion about their relationship, past or present. “Come on, I’m old and washed up. You have a job here, to guide the next generation of dancers. You should be doing that.”

He raised his eyebrows at her. “You think I can’t do both?”

“I think I don’t know why you want to.”

Bill shifted until he was sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with Laura, his back braced against the wall. “You know, I didn’t want to retire. I thought I was still in my prime, but the roles I used to dance kept going to other people. Instead of Prince Albrecht in Giselle, I was cast as the king.” He shook his head. “You know what the king does? He stands upstage and waves his arms a lot. And I guess I couldn’t complain, because it happened to Baryshnikov. It happened to Stiefel. It happens to all of us. We get old and we’re put out to pasture.” He picked up her hand, toying with her fingers while he thought out his next words. “But I wasn’t done yet. I knew I wasn’t done. I might never be done, because this is all I’ve ever known, and I don’t want to walk away from it. So I’m not onstage anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love to dance. It just means I have to do it a different way now.”

“Bill,” she said softly. “That’s your story, not mine.”

He stopped tugging at her fingers and laced them through his. “Isn’t it? You left before you were ready to quit. I just thought you might like a second chance. Even if it isn’t dancing Giselle at the Met, you can still dance. You can still have this in your life. You can still have me in your life, if you want it. It doesn’t have to be the way it was, but it can still be good.”

He leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. Just enough to remind her how good it was when he was in her life. He pulled back and got to his feet. “Dreams change, Laura. I know that now. But you shouldn’t give up dreaming them.” He stole a quick glance at his watch. “I have to be in rehearsal. Dinner tonight? Bring Grace. I’ll even cut the crusts off your sandwiches.”

She nodded without thinking and watched as he strode down the hallway.

Dreams changed, she knew that better than anyone. Laura Roslin eight years ago dreamed of dancing Giselle. This Laura Roslin, soaked in sweat and worrying about making it to her studio in time to teach a 1pm restorative yoga class, dreamed of nothing so grand as applause and roses. Right now, she was dreaming about a tube of Icy Hot, a quick nap after her 1pm, and grilled cheese with Grace and Bill Adama.

Maybe her dreams were smaller now, but maybe they were still worth dreaming.

#lolcatfic #folie a deux #spaceparents fic #spaceparents au #enjoy

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Dee Keeve says:JULY 31, 2016 AT 5:56 AM

Amen. Finally finding ones who love relaxed hair

Bri says:JULY 11, 2016 AT 1:42 PM

REPLY

Lauren!!!! I ran into your website through google images, and you have officially persuaded me back into the relaxer life. I’ve been trying to go natural for almost a year and I absolutely hate it. Every single thing you said is what has been happening to me daily. I work as a receptionist and I feel like it makes me look completely unprofessional when my hair gets all poofy and sticks up. I haaate it! I’m going to do go buy Dr. Miracles tonight!!!!!

My hair was far more heat protected and healthier when I was relaxing it. Even so I only relaxed maybe 3 times a year so I had a good thing going. I don’t know what I was thinking. I honestly just wanted my hair to be fuller and just have a wave when I got it wet. I wasn’t even going natural for the right reasons, I had no dedication whatsoever.

The good thing is I DID get a lot of growth during this 10 month period, about 4 ½ inches. So I’m just excited to relax it out lol. THANK YOU LAUREN!

Teni says:AUGUST 23, 2016 AT 4:45 PMREPLY

Thank you for this comment <3 I am 9 months into transitioning and I hate it. I will just go on a healthy relaxed hair journey.

Keitra says:JUNE 21, 2016 AT 1:27 PM

REPLY

Adore this post so much. I thought i was the only one who had those issues. The really bad breakouts, detangling and my nape area was a nightmare. I just choose a week ago after a 4 month strech to do what i do best and rock my relaxed hair. Idk why its so shamed up on to get relaxer like its an abomination or something. Nothing about getting relaxer or no relaxer is going to make your body health any healther try dieting or eating better lets debate on that, lets jump down ppl thoart on a healthier eating habit vs freaking hair. This world smh.

adrienne says:JUNE 14, 2016 AT 9:14 PM

REPLY

i agree with you my intent was not quite to go natural but to do long stretches like either only relax once or twice a year… sigh,,, I just brought a relaxer today to use later,,, last time i relaxed was december 2015… but by april it’s been..sigh.. horrible the dryness from the new growth and i’ve spent more money the past 6 mos. i ever have than when I was relaxed… when i was relaxed all i used was a lil oil sheen and maybe occasional dab of oil moisturizer lotion,, didn’t need nothing else. ,, but since trying to make my stretch last a full year,,, i see i can’t go natural.. and my texture is 3b/some 3c and it was still a living hell!

deja says:JUNE 12, 2016 AT 10:58 AM

REPLY

i cant believe what im reading “natural isnt for everyone” how does that work out? how does ur natural hair..that grows naturally..out of ur hair not work for u? how does someone else’s hair work better for u than the hair that comes out of ur head..smh black ppl are brainwashed Bad

I won’t argue with you – a simple google search can tell you all you need to know about both sides of the coin. Have a great day!

Oh my goodness! You don’t know how much this blessed and inspired me in my hair life! Out of all of my friends, and family, I’m pretty much the only one who gets relaxers!! No one else gets them anymore and I’m talking about dozens of people that I know! The only time a relaxer did me damage was when the Rio perm was advertised backing the mid 1990’s and Debbie Allen and other celebrities were testing the product out by eating it, testing it out on their own heads, etc!! I was 6 years old with beautiful relaxed hair and the Rio perm was put on by my mom and she regretted placing it on my head to this day! That was 21 years ago, I am now 27 and within minutes my hair and scalp was burning from the bad Rio product. Anywho there was a class action lawsuit and most people that filed with pictures only received $97 for the poor relaxed product. Why did my mom try it? Because the celebrities were acting as it was safe! Until then my mom always put PCJ on my hair and she always got compliments on my hair. Before she used PCJ, she tried placing the hot comb method on my hair but it would kink up and be back to the coarse nappy look in a few days after straightened (and this is way before a relaxer even touched my head) so as ppl always say everyone has a good curl pattern when they were younger, nope that was never the case for me it’s always been coarse and thick due to the grate of hair that my parents have. But after the Rio incident, my mom restored my hair by putting protective styles and treating it with the right products. I also have used various beauticians to treat my hair with appropriate relaxers and styles. During my college years it was hard to afford the beauty shop so I had a olive oil relaxer or kiddie relaxer on my hair which it still grew! I have no problems with relaxers, I usually go 8 weeks or 10 weeks to get another relaxer. So many black women are against chemicals and they fail to realize that they spend so much money on weaves and blowouts to get their hair straight like a relaxer until the price they pay for this stuff ends up being that standard $65 relaxer and style cost that professional beauticians charge!!!

Charlene dorsey says:DECEMBER 3, 2016 AT 11:08 PM

It’s a style preference thing…. It should be a choice… Here’s a wuick question for you….Do you wear makeup? If so; why??? You weren’t born with makeup on…… most people wear it because they feel it enhances their beauty…same thing for hair preferences…

I agree Lauren. To each their own. Some hair that grows naturally out of some heads is very thick, coily, and very hard to manage. And might I add, TIME CONSUMING. You can spend lots of $$ on products trying to keep the hair conditioned, softened and tameable and it adds up. But some people like to wear their hair dry so they costs for products may not be a big deal. Again, I like what you say and I’m with you. I’ve only been natural 3 months, and I’m not quite liking it. I want my curl and waves but not bone straight so texlaxing is the best thing for me. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel bad and or guilty about my choices. It’s all about how I feel about me and healthy hair at the end of the day. Thanks for sharing this.

Hey, do u rub makeup on ur face.. or better still. When trying to get curl definition don’t u spent tons of cash buying curl defining creams and custards, then spend hours trying to do a twist out so you cud have more defined curls…. to me I feel that’s exactly the same thing. U are not satisfied with he way ur hair curls naturally and you feel the need to enhance its curl. If u wanna be truly natural stop twist outs and braid outs and all that is, because lets face facts your hair isn’t naturally like that.. just stick to a fro.. then u can come preach to me abt embracing the natural pattern with which hair comes out of he head.

April says:JUNE 20, 2016 AT 2:04 PMREPLY

Relaxed4life says:AUGUST 4, 2016 AT 10:11 PMREPLY

Azarmiah says:OCTOBER 5, 2016 AT 8:05 AMREPLY

Amor Amankwah says:OCTOBER 8, 2016 AT 4:47 PMREPLY

Touche! Well said! You hit the nail on the head.

Preach it beee!! Amen and A. men!!

If your natural you know that those styles help reduce tangles i personally dont wear them no reason i havent masterd them as of yet and and doesnt take nothing nut humidity and a wash to get you back to its natural state. Hey check out this video by angel ikyg called black women natural hair its not a bashing video he gives good reasoning to go natural if u feel the same way after watching the video then keep getting relaxers by all means because its your hair have a good day

Dude I always felt the same way. You manipulating your hair to get your curls a certain way says a lot.

Seriously why be so negative? Some people don’t like curly hair or braids but prefer straight hair. Quite frankly some women don’t look good with either hair style. Yeah one can argue that a black woman can achieve straight hair with natural hair but do you know how much more damage will occur than by doing relaxers. If you actually read this woman’s blog you would see her hair is healthy and relaxed. So stop hair shaming and accept the fact that people can have different hair styles and still have healthy hair.