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#i woke up at 9:30 am but was really working on this from 11 am
cafterdark · 2 months
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Posted 16:35, 12/5 to r/puppyplay
How do I get used to nerve integrating tail
So my gf a few weeks ago admitted she was into puppy play. Now I'm a pretty vanilla guy so I was a bit wary, but open to try it. We've gotten a collar and leash that I wear when we play, but I just got my Christmas bonus, so we splurged on a nerve integrating tail. It feels pretty weird to have it on, but my gf is ecstatic. It certainly has brightened up our bedroom life lately. I'm still not entirely into puppy play, especially when she calls me a "good boy" but I do admit it's quite fun. My only question is how do I get used to it.
Posted 22:51, 12/17 to r/puppyplay
Is it dangerous to wear NIT for more than two weeks?
Hello again,
Thanks for all the advice y'all gave me in the last post, I'm really used to the tail now. I love the wave it wags when I'm excited and so does my gf. It has come to the point I feel like I'm missing something when I take it off. I know the general advice is not to keep it on for more than two weeks but I kind of want to keep it on. I work from home so none of my coworkers know I'm wearing it. And when I do need to go out, it's really easy to hide it under some clothes. So is there any risk to having it on for more than two weeks?
Posted 08:11, 1/7 to r/puppyplay
Skin grown over NIT port
So I just woke up and looked at my NIT and saw that skin has grown over the port. Whenever I try to take the tail off it hurts like hell. What can I do?
Posted 09:12, 1/7 to r/medicaladvice
Any way to remove an overgrown nerve integrated prosthetic?
I wore a NIP longer than the recommended time and skin has grown over it, is there any way to take it off?
Posted 18:15 1/7 to r/puppyplay
Gf is okay with permanent NIT
It's been an eventful morning for me and my gf. I told her the news that I'm stuck with a NIT from now on. I expected my gf to leave me, but she's been nothing but supportive. I'm usually not one for being the little spoon, but she cradled me and comforted me. I love her so much. Thank y'all for your kind words and support. I know it's fairly common for people to have eccentric prosthetics nowadays, but as much as I love this tail, it's going to take a while to get used to it. I'll keep y'all updated.
Posted 13:43, 2/9 to r/puppyplay
Side effects of permanent NIT?
Hey again,
So I've gotten used to the NIT being permanent, but I've been having some things happen to me that I'm wondering if they're caused by it.
To start, when I was done with a workout, my gf noticed I was panting with my tongue out. I hadn't even realized I was doing that.
Another one is that my body and facial hair have stopped growing. Not that I miss them, but it's kind of weird. Weirder still, my hair has been growing rapidly. I was starting to bald before, but now it's down to my shoulders. It's gotten so long and full that my coworkers joked that it looked more like a woman's hair.
Are these side effects of the tail or am I just losing my mind?
Posted 12:21, 3/15 to r/puppyplay
More side effects of tail?
Hi
So I know y'all said that permanent tails don't have any mental or physical side effects, but I'm not so sure.
I'm not sure when it started, but I'm starting to make more dog like noises. When I'm excited I bark up a storm, whimper when sad, growl when angry. I'm not doing any of those on purpose, it's like the rise from my throat. When I see a squirrel, I feel the urge to chase after it now. My gf has joked that she needs to collar and leash me when we go out, but I'm a bit nervous.
Speaking of my gf, I used to tower over her. Yet today, she was my height, maybe even a bit taller.
Other strange things, my nipples is a bit swollen and puffy. It really hurts to touch them.
What's happening to me?
Posted 10:23, 3/30 to r/puppyplay
Tits?
So I've been in denial for a while, but my tail is making me grow tits. I realized this when I was putting on a tight shirt and my boobs were really clearly visible. My gf nearly died when she saw them. After a bit of laughing/leering, she measured and found they're A cups. She gave me one of her bras to wear, which feels a bit itchy.
Posted 17:12, 3/31 to r/puppyplay
My tail is feminizing me
Hello again,
After looking at old photos of myself compared to me now. I'm certain my tail is feminizing me. I'm shorter than my gf, my skin is soft, I basically have no body hair, my hair is super long, I have tits, and um, my equipment is tiny now. I look better at least, but idk what to do.
Posted 15:35, 4/10 to r/asktransgender
Why does my GF calling me a "good girl" make me so excited.
So I'm a cis? guy. Due to a faulty prosthetic I'm wearing, it has slowly been feminizing me. Now, I'm having some mixed feelings about it and my gf asked if I liked being a guy. I really hadn't cared about my gender before so I said yeah. She then asked me how I felt about the phrase "good boy." When I told her it made me feel weird and awkward, she called me a good girl. I suddenly got so happy and my prosthetic went wild. My inside felt so warm and complete that I couldn't even try to hide how happy I was. What does this mean? Am I trans?
Posted 11:13, 4/19 to r/asktransgender
New Name!
After a week of introspection with my gf, I've realized I'm a trans woman. And to thank her for all the help she's done making me realize that, I let her pick my name.
So hi, I'm Bella
Posted 22:12, 4/21 to r/puppyplay
Gf acting weird
So me and my gf do a lot of puppy play and usually it stays in the bedroom. But lately it's been weird.
To start, she insists on cooking for me. It's such good food, but what's weird is that whenever I eat it, she clicks something. Weirder still, its the same click that I hear whenever I cum.
Also, she's gotten a lot more dominant lately. She's constantly telling me how cute and hot I am. How much she just wants to mark me up. She insists I wear my collar 24/7 so "Everyone knows who owns me." She even asks me to call her owner sometimes.
I get so flustered and my tail goes wild any time she acts like this but it's still weird. She never used to be this direct and dominant. I'm not against it but it's kind of weird.
Posted 16:37, 4/30 to r/asktransgender
Why do clothes feel weird?
So me and my gf have been clothes shopping for a new wardrobe lately and we've run into a brick wall. Every bit of clothes I've worn lately has felt tight and itchy. Even my old boy clothes.
Why is this?
Posted 18:15, 5/7 to r/puppyplay
Why can't I disobey my owner?
Um, so my owner has made some really big changes to my life lately. She's told me I'm not allowed to wear clothes anymore, sleep on the bed, eat on the table. She's gotten me a dog bed to sleep on and some labeled dog bowls for me to eat out of. I have to wear my collar 24/7 and whenever we go out I need to be leashed. I can't even walk on two legs anymore.
Yet I don't want to disobey her. It's not like she's abusive or anything, the opposite really. But my brain can't even think of not listening to her. Especially when I hear a click and every bit of my brain is filled with devotion to her.
What am I doing wrong, why can't I disobey her?
Posted 11:17, 6/5 to r/puppyplay
Y'all were right
Y'all were right. It's so much better being a good puppy for my owner. I don't have to worry about anything. She's so kind and sweet and wonderful and caring and ugh my tail is wagging so fast just talking about her. I'm so glad I've accepted my place. Thank you all so much for helping me realize this.
Posted 14:25, 12/5 to r/puppyplay
Gifts for a really good Puppygirl?
Hello
I'm the owner of a wonderful little puppygirl. She's had a big year of changes and I want to get her something wonderful to cap it off. Any suggestions?
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Love? Love. (part 3)
Andy barber x reader
author's note:im so tired only death can fix me
.....................
Andy woke up early the next morning.
6:00 a.m.
She smells so good
6:04 a.m.
God the way she looks away when she's all shy and cute
6:10 a.m.
you wore those shorts on purpose yesterday, didnt you?
6:45 a.m.
His hand is stroking his morning wood over the sheet.
it's wrong its wrong it's so so wrong
but it's her.
her. her on her knees.
"look at daddy, sweetheart,look at me while i ruin you," she looks up at me, mascara running down her bambi eyes as she drools around my cock.
"feel good,baby? you like being daddy's little cumslut? like it when he uses your mouth? I bet your little pussy is dripping just by sucking on daddy's big cock"
she. fucking. moans. around. it. FUCK!
Andy's hands speed up, vigorously rubbing his fat, hard cock, beads of precum spilling from the pink head of his cock.
i pull myself from her mouth, "youre such a filthy little girl," I take ahold of my cock and slap the sticky head on her cheeks "no,no baby, tch tch,"
"open your eyes, look at daddy"
FUCK! the image of you looking up at him with those teary eyes while he slaps your cockdrunk face with his meaty head is too much for him. With a few more strokes,he cums all over his hands, stomach and sheets, a blissed out smile on his face as he turns to the bedside clock- 7:25 a.m.
less than 12 hours till he gets to fuck see you.
AND LESS THAN AN HOUR TO HIS COURT HEARING!
He rushes to get ready and leaves the house, thankfully reaching just in time.
........................
y/n wakes up and immediately wishes she hadn't.
as if it wasn't bad enough to try to kiss the man who lived literally opposite to you, but she also had to go to his house 5 days a week.
"you're a big girl, y/n" her friend's voice comes through the phone, "so what? you misread the situation and tried to kiss him, no big deal."
"NO BIG DEAL?" y/n screeches into her pillow, "the first time I come onto a man and HE LIVES LITERALLY NEXT DOOR WHAT WAS I THINKING"
The rest of her day, she is plagued by the thoughts of Andy.
9 a.m. Physics class
wait, what if he was trying to kiss me back
11 a.m. Math class
No,he wouldn't.
1 p.m. Lunch
but would he?
........................................
6 p.m.
All day Andy has been in an unfamiliarly pleasant mood, he even brought flowers as he left his office unusually early.
lillies? no, I think she's more of a tulips girl. But what about sunflowers. And now that I'm already at trader joe's how about condo-
CALM DOWN! fuck fuck fuck! you'll only creep her out.
7:30 p.m.
Andy is fuming.
his gritting teeth, his fingers tapping impatiently on the steering, the low murmurs from his lips, all can be heard despite the clatter of the traffic.
Y/n ,on one hand is relieved
well, one less awkward rejection
on the other hand, her mind is working over time.
what if he is intentionally ignoring me?
what if he thinks I'm a loser-college-freak who kisses and becomes obsessed with any guy who is nice to her.
what if, her breath hitches, what if he has a girlfriend
Jacob notices the sudden stiffness in Y/n's body, "Are you okay y/n?", He asks with his eyebrows pinched with concern.
"Oh! yes, yes I'm alright, all fine".Y/n smiles.
After a few more minutes of studying, Jake suddenly speaks up, "You know, dad was really happy when you came over yesterday,"
y/n's heartbeat quickens,"What do you mean, jake?"
"Well, I don't know,but I've never seen him smile like that."
"Like what?"
"Like...." he pauses for a moment, "Like you know how sometimes as a little kid, you get lost in the grocery store. You can't find your mom and you get scared. But then you see her and she was over there the whole time, picking out your favorite chocolates, and you run upto her,your smile is the biggest ever"
y/n giggles at Jacob's absurd metaphor but then again, he was quite mature for his age.
"so am I the cashier of the grocery store in your little metaphoric world?"
"no ,y/n, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you were the smile on my dad's face"
"Jacob....."
The sound of Andy's car pulling into the driveway catches their attention.
Andy enters the house, 3 bouquets in his hand.
"Dad," Jacob smiles knowingly "who are those for?"
Andy's eyes try to find y/n's but she is looking at the floor, her breath obviously a little heavy, her cheeks flushed.
Andy ushers Jacob out of the room,"Come on, young man,take a break from all that studying."
y/n still isn't looking at him.
Andy settles down on his haunches before y/n and holds her chin between his thumb and he forces her to look him in the eyes.
"hi, angel"
"hey, Andy" The way she slightly shifts in her place on the sofa doesn't go unnoticed by Andy.
He picks up the flowers, "didn't know which ones you liked,so i tried my best three guesses."
The contrast of his dominant presence and the tenderness of his actions makes y/n melt into a puddle as she sheepishly plays with the collar of Andy's crisp white shirt.
"The sunflowers, Andy. I love them."
Andy picks the yellow bouquet and places it on her lap.
"I was correct,sweets," he rasps out, their lips mere inches away.
"well,technically, you were only 33% correct", she laughs.
"Well, I have got to shut your smart little mouth up"
With that Andy pulls her into a fierce kiss.
He rises onto his feet, pulling her with him.
The kiss is a perfect mix of y/n and Andy, teeth and tongue and smiles and small licks.
Their bodies were as close as they could be and it still wasn't close enough.
y/n pulls away first, out of breath and dizzy from being drunk on Andy's lips, only for Andy to chase her lips again.
"If it wasn't for the flowers, I would think you were trying to kill me, hogging practically all of my oxygen", she pants but smiles nevertheless.
"well if it wasn't for tutoring, I would think you came here just for me. did you sweetheart? did you wear this cute little dress just for me? "Andy tuts her again as she tries to hide her face into his chest, "look at me while I'm talking to you, baby."
y/n looks up at him and fuck is it a sight to behold.
Pupils blows out, her lips pouty and her lipstick slightly smudged, her flustered gaze as a small smirk forms on her lips, "are you accusing me of trying to seduce you Mr. Barber?"
"yes"
"well, maybe you're right, I wore this dress just fir you," she pauses as she feels his hands pawing at her tits.
"go on," Andy says with a smug smile.
nuh uh Mr. Barber, I will not go down with out a fight,
"In fact, i did everything for you today. I put on makeup, wore my pretty heels, painted my nails, didn't wear any panties....."
The look on Andy's face is pained and he looks almost on the brink of losing control, "really?
y/n gingerly pulls one of his hands from her chest and slowly traces it up her thigh, "see Andy? why don't you check it yourself."
Andy slowly inches his hands towards her pussy when the sudden sound of the doorbell makes them jump from their places.
Andy pecks and bites y/n's lips, "Give me a sec."
"No,you cant answer the door like that"
"like what?"
y/n shyly eyes the bulge in his pants,"like that."
"shit! sweetheart, could you do it?"
y/n opens the door to a woman.
she looks around her early thirties, aroundAndy's age, she's thin and her brown hair are tied into a ponytail.
The woman gives y/n a pointed look.
"Hi, I'm Laurie, Andy's wife."
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regiesgfreal · 2 months
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felix reaction when he caught you cutting yourself
A/n:I really don't want to focus on one story only.so for now i leave the part 3 for later.so now we going with felix fanfiction!
You and felix was dating for 4 years, almost from the time he just debut.Felix is always in his work, so you didn't really get a lot from him.
It was same day as always, you woke up in your bed without felix around you. He always wake up first.I gone down stairs and heard as always felix's ''I need to do coffee and change and have shower and have breakfast so on, so sorry babe but cinemar is not possible for today.''
Hate hearing that from him but i just nodded and kissed his cheek.
Time skip:2 hours after felix left house.
I was so tired of all of these work times for felix because of them i don't get anylove the thing that we never have had sex in this 4 years, when all my friends got it after 2 years together.My friend Juisy with her husband only 3 years and they married have kid and stuff. I was just crying in my room and wanted to jump down the roof.
Time skip:9:13
Felix will be home soon.He always comes back home at 9:30.
You couldn't keep the pain anymore so you decidet to relife your stres by cutting yourself.You when to the bathroom you wasn't worrying about time anymore.You locked the door and started to cut yourself.Then after 3 cuts you pass out.And my hand land right next to the little whole under the door
Felix POV:
I came home kind of late so i've been thinking that y/n is asleep.I drink some water and went upstairs to change and shower.
When i change i desidet to use bathroom.
''Y/n!It's Felix.Open the door please!'' i had no answer
Then i saw blood going from the room.
''Y/N!BABE!OPEN PLS!CMON PLEASE'' i was screaming and getting no answer. then i remember about the keys from bathroom that are in my bag.When i get the keys i unlocked the door and saw y/n with bleeding wrist.
''NO NO NO Y?N!PLEASE NO!GOD PLEASE NO!''
i took my phone out of my pocket and called 911.
TIME SKIP NEXT DAY 8:12am
Y/N POV
i woke up and saw doctor and felix sitting around me on different sides.
Doctor:Well i guess i need to leave you one on one.
Felix:Thanks!
Y/n: What am i doing here?Why dont you just let me go?You dont even want to spend time with me, it means you dont love me.
Felix:Why i didn't let you go?Maybe because i love you and you the most importent thing of my live?It's like i dont want to spend time with you.It's cause i am working hard to get money and for you to have all stuff you want!
Y/n:HOW DONT U UNDERSTAND HUH?ALL I NEED IS TIME WITH YOU.OR EVEN A MOVIE NIGHT IN OUT LIVING ROOM WOULD BE ENOUGH!U ALWAYS AT YOUR WORK AND NEVER EVEN KISS ME BACK OR HUG ME AT NIGHT.YOU THINK I WAS ASLEEP WHEN YOU COMING HOME?NEVER I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO COME TO THE SIDE OF MY BED AND KISS MY FOREHEAD.
Felix:.......babe i am so sorry!i reall really selfish!please forgive me!
y/n;i am forgiving you.
Time skip0- in 2 years
Felix never doing stuff like that again.You was prengnant and youi was waiting for boy/girl(just choose who u want).Felix was always spending 22/7 time of his life with you.
Time skip-in 7 years
Your girl/boy(choose one) was 6 years old he/she was lookes like felix a lot.You happy together and you always going on vacations every 2 month.
Time skip-in 5 years
You girl/boy have had her/his first kiss.u can't believe he/she is 11 already. You have another baby who is 4 years old.
Finish!
A/n:It's not like the ff ''i am mf stargirl!'' is closed i just want to post some other staff too.So gusy what you think?
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bratshaws · 1 year
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goodness gracious 80. brb x oc
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i missed using this gif uwu
a/n: I JUST!!! am excited, esp for the next chapter for everything that's going to happen THIS CHAPTER FORWARD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i hope you guys are too ;w;
check out the fic's playlist made by the sweet @wiipes !!
pairing: plus size!oc x rooster
warnings: no warning, just pure fluff because of these two gooberssssssssssss
chapters:
1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30/31/32/33/34/35/36/37/38/39/40/41/42/43/44
45/46/47/48/49/50/51/52/53/54/55/56/57/58/59/60/61/62/63/64
65/66/67/68/69/70/71/72/73/74/75/76/77/78/79
(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!!)
taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix
@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls
@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 @lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2 @emilybradshaw @j-6o @louisahale @leobabbyyy @kulicny @winter-run @ktjmac @graciereads
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Beatrice couldn’t believe it, she turns thirty…today. Well she already turned thirty at two am since that was her ‘official’ birth time. She didn’t even notice how fast the week went by, she now was thirty, with a new car on her driveway and a sleeping Rooster holding her waist from behind. She woke up a few minutes ago, seeing it was seven thirty in the morning on a Saturday and neither of them had plans of getting up yet.
Thirty.
She was thirty. 
She didn’t feel any different, obviously, it wasn’t like those educational videos you’d see in school where the woman goes from twenty to thirty and her clothes change and she now has three kids on her arms. She just…she just felt…like a better version of herself. With someone who loved her and…wow she’d really get a whole new life huh? Beatrice blinked, holding Rooster’s arm around herself, her hair falling over her eyes a bit. “You think way too loud.” his deep sleepy voice says from behind her head, his breathing making the strands of hair move when he speaks.
Beatrice smiles, slowly turning her head to face him, his eyes still closed, but his lips quirked up in a smirk, “I’m sorry.” she whispers, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” her boyfriend’s eyes slowly parted open, crinkling at the corners when his smirk widened.
“I know how you can make up to me.” he murmurs, leaning his head closer so their lips barely touch, “It’s a really good idea, wanna hear it?” she nods, turning fully to face him with his arms still around her waist, “You can start by losing the night shirt, that would be a great way to start my morning.”
Beatrice laughs when he pulls her on top of him, pressing her chin in between his pectorals with her cheeks dusted red, “But…I thought it was my birthday?”
His eyes glinted with mirth, “Of course birthday girl, but that would work both ways.” he whispers with his lips brushing hers, pressing soft kisses to her pink mouth, “Both of us would have a great time.” she chuckles against his lips, cupping his face with both hands, keeping their lips connected in a loving liplock before he mutters something, making Beatrice pull her head back in question, “Happy birthday, baby. How are you feeling?”
Beatrice blinked, thinking about how she should respond to this, biting her lower lip while looking to the side, “I…I feel…” she hums, still considering her words, “I feel fine, I guess it didn’t hit me yet.” one of his hands came up to brush a tangled strand of brown hair behind her ear, combing his fingers through it to get rid of the small knots without hurting her, “It still feels a bit surreal.”
He nods,moving his finger to comb the hair closest to her scalp, carefully, “I get that, it’s a whole new step in life.” he murmurs, watching Beatrice still look a bit conflicted by that, like she couldn’t believe she really reached thirty. “But hey, it’s not so bad.”
“It’s not.” her answer comes with a smile and her cheeks redden just enough for him to grin back at her, “I told you before how I expected my thirtieth birthday to go and now…now it’s nothing how I imagined and I like it!I do, it’s just…I think my brain is muddled up a little bit.”
Rooster makes a sound of understanding, bringing her closer to his lips so he could kiss the curve of her jaw with the hand that was combing her hair petting the back of her neck, “I get that, baby. I do.” he says with his lips still pressed against her lavender scented skin. “But you’ll get used to it as the time goes by, speaking of which,” he gently pushes her aside so she’s lying back down on the bed, pushing himself to his feet, “Time to make you breakfast.”
He didn’t want to let her go, but it was her day and he wanted to give her a good morning alongside the plans they had later that day. Plans that thankfully Evelyn was kind enough to give him the green flag, telling him everything was ready for when they showed up. “I’m going with you–”
“Oh no, no missy. You,” he gestures with his index finger, “Are staying in bed, looking pretty and relaxed and I’ll call you once it’s done.” 
Beatrice, while incredibly touched by the gesture, couldn’t help the little pout on her face, “But…” 
“I’ll be fast, you’ll see.” he winks, adjusting the elastic of his sweatpants on his hip bones, walking downstairs with the same smile on his face. Beatrice only sighed with her cheek still pressed to the pillow, hearing him talking to Jolene downstairs and the usual sounds of her cabinet doors being open.It doesn’t take too long for the playlist he had saved up on his phone to vibrate on the speaker she kept downstairs.
She smiles hearing I’ve Had the Time of My Life  and Rooster following along, undoubtedly throwing some moves while doing so. Beatrice waited a few minutes, then pushed herself to a sitting position, stepping away from the bed and slowly trekking downstairs. 
Her smile only widened when she saw Rooster had Jolene in his arms, the pittie’s front paws draped on his broad shoulders as he danced along with her, unaware of Beatrice watching the scene from the doorframe. Jolene looked confused, but she was happy to be involved if her swinging tail was any indication, followed by her tongue wetting Rooster’s cheek in a sloppy kiss. 
Beatrice tried her hardest to hold her laughter, but a soft giggle made its way past her lips, making the pilot stop and turn to face her, “Oh no, we’ve been discovered Jojo.” he whispers comically on the dog’s ear, “Now she knows you can dance!” it was hilarious how Jolene’s expression turned from happy to worried as if it was true and she has been a dancing dog all along but now Beatrice found out about it. She wriggled on Rooster’s arms, trying to escape and he lowered her enough for the pittie to walk away.
“Dirty Dancing is one of my favorite movies too.” she comments after a while, Rooster looking at her in surprise, “Maybe I had a crush on Patrick Swayze. Sabrina had a huge Dirty Dancing poster on her wall and I remember admiring him from afar.”
Bradley smiles, “Well,I’m not Patrick–”
“You don’t have to be. You are you and that’s even better.”
He breathes out a soft laugh, crossing his arms over his chest while leaning his lower back on the counter, “I’m flattered.” he smirks, pulling one of his arms to reach towards her, “C’mere. I think this could be the first birthday gift I can give you.” she drops her hand on his, smiling confusedly at his words until he pulls her flush against him “Your own version of Dirty Dancing.”
Beatrice laughs tossing her head back not believing his words, “You are too cute Roos. Honestly I can just be with you, without dancing, and I’d be more than happy.” but of course he’d never leave it like that, especially when the chorus hit. Beatrice squeaked out in surprise, no matter how many times he picked her up, she was still startled whenever he did that, easing down from her fright with a disbelieved laugh, hugging his neck.
“There you go, now you are just like Baby.” he smirks, leaning up to peck her lips and then gently placing her back down on the floor, “But I half expected you to wait a bit longer to get back down.”
“Maybe I missed you.” she shrugs, biting her lower lip with a smile, holding back her laugh when his eyes dropped to it immediately, narrowing playfully before he turned back to what he was cooking, “Can I see what you are cooking?” but he steps in between her and the oven, hiding whatever he was cooking from her view, “Roos!”
He looks over her shoulder with feigned innocence, “What?” he drawls gently, his lips still smiling,”Maybe I don’t want you to see it yet.” Beatrice just huffs with fake annoyance, crossing her arms and then stepping back to sit on the kitchen chairs, “You’ll like it though,I promise.’
“I know I’ll like it, you are a wonderful cook.” his posture changed as his chest puffed in pride, muttering a ‘yeah I am a pretty good cook’ to himself, much to his girlfriend’s amusement, “And I’ll like anything you give me.”  Bradley looks back at her sitting down on the chair, the soft fabric of her night shirt riding up her thighs, exposing more of the pale expanse of her thigh for his eyes to see.
He keeps his lids low and irises focused on that bare piece of skin before he looks back at the pan in front of him, “I’ll keep that in mind.” her cheeks reddened at the obvious insinuation hidden within the words, propping her chin on her open palm, watching him move about the stove still humming to the songs being played in the little speaker. Beatrice closes her eyes, loving the deep timbre of his voice mixed in with the song’s vocals, having her own little private show and wishing nothing more than this, it was great. It truly was great.
An amazing way to start her birthday, she couldn’t lie one bit.
Beatrice keeps her eyes closed, hearing him grab a few plates, fill a mug with coffee and milk just how she liked it, “Keep them closed.” his voice shows up suddenly by her left and she has to hold back the jump of surprise, nodding once she fixes herself on the chair, placing both hands over her thighs.
She hears and feels him moving back and forth, arranging the table in front of her as she tries to hold back her warm smile, “Don’t open yet.” she reassures him she won’t, laughing quietly when he kisses her cheek and walks away again, the sound of something ruffling - like paper- calls her attention. “Wait…okay, open.”
Beatrice blinks, trying to gain her focus back and figure out what this blurry of colors was after a few seconds. Her smile widens when she sees that yes, he prepared pancakes, alongside a small bowl of yogurt with fresh berries and her usual morning coffee. But in the middle of everything was a tiny bouquet of lavender and daisies,inside a small vase “What- how did you?” she immediately ignored the breakfast, not because she didn’t care for it but because her heart demanded she grabbed the flowers, “How did you even manage to hide this one from me?”
Bradley shrugs coolly, pulling a chair to sit down while bringing his mug up to his lips, “Well you know, I just had to distract you.” he answers, finishing it with a wink and a soft laugh, “Thought you’d like it.”
“I do like it.” Beatrice’s soft voice replies, lifting the small flowers to her nose, fluttering her eyes closed with a small smile, “You know how much I love getting flowers.” she gently fixes the flowers inside the vase, turning it back and forth to see all the different shades of lilacs and how the daisies went from white to a light champagne color, “It’s beautiful, Roos, thank you.”
He smiles back, sipping his coffee as she digs in her breakfast. Her cute dance that meant ‘i really love this food and I can’t keep myself still’ was still adorable and he noticed she mainly did that with the food that he cooked or if it was something that he liked. It was the little things that Beatrice did that he was just now figuring out even more. “How’s it?”
“Hmm!” she swallows the pancake, washing it down with her coffee, “It’s amazing,Roos.” she replies, wiping her mouth with the napkin by her side, “No complaints.” he smirks more, telling her to enjoy her breakfast while he finished his…until she noticed he wasn’t eating that much and decided that they were going to share it either way, “It’s my birthday and I want to share it with you.”
She had to pull it’s my birthday card…but he wasn’t complaining. Not when she looked at him like that. Mav told him once that he was weak for Beatrice and honestly, he truly was. She still had no idea how much power she had over him, she had no clue how much she could simply look his way and he’d melt like a popsicle on a hot summer morning.
When they finish breakfast, and Rooster tells her that he’s the one washing the dishes and she should just enjoy her birthday, Beatrice sits on the counter right by the side of the sink so they could talk without being too far apart, “You know in a few minutes I’ll get calls from all my relatives wishing me happy birthday.” she pauses, “It’ll be…a lot of calls oh my God.”
“It just means they care.” Bradley chuckles, putting the wet dishes and cutlery on the drying rack by the side. Beatrice nods, biting her lower lip, following the line of muscle from his shoulder to his bicep, watching it move and flex as he cleans everything. “Bea, you need to stop ogling me…because then I’ll just stop this and we’ll have to fix something up.”
“Well…you did say I could make it up to you in some way.”  Bradley drops whatever he’s holding into the soapy water, giving her a look with one of his eyebrows up to his hairline, “You said so.”
His eyes narrow playfully, “Give me a few minutes, then we’ll resolve that. How’s that?”
“Sounds great to me.” her cheeks felt so hot she felt she could melt herself, but she watched as Bradley returned to the task of washing everything with her hands tucked in between her thick thighs, still looking at his bicep and the sharp curve of his jawline and the thick column of neck. While admiring him, Beatrice couldn’t help but wonder what the plans would be for that night, he did say they’d go to the karaoke, and she could call Shells if she wanted her to come or even Evelyn so they could have a fun time together, “I’m excited for tonight.” she smiles, “I think it’ll be really fun.”
“It will be a lot of fun,baby,” he says while tilting his head in her direction and winking at her and holding back how much they’d be doing once they got there. Everyone agreed on coming, Michael and Leonardo too after some time of Bradley asking them to keep quiet and not blurt it out to Bea, “I haven’t been to a karaoke bar in years, I think I’m a bit rusty.”
Beatrice gives him a weird look, narrowing her eyes in his direction, “You sung at the Hard Deck quite a few times, I don’t know if I’d consider you rusty.” he chuckles at her explanation, wiping his hands on a rag and tossing it aside after he’s done, “So you know, I don’t think you’d be rusty at all.”
“I appreciate your enthusiasm.” he says, finally stepping closer to her since he was done washing everything, spreading her legs to he could step between them, “But, let’s talk about how you could make it up to me, I was thinking that after the breakfast settles we could have a nice, lovely shower.” he murmurs against her skin, pressing soft butterfly kisses to the curve of her jaw, “Where I’d wash you everywhere.”
Beatrice’s face turns red and she giggles, biting her lower lip, “Well it is my birthday.” she whispers, “I’d love that.”
“Maybe a massage too.” he smirks, dragging his lips up her ear, making goosebumps form on her skin “I am really good with my hands.” Beatrice couldn’t even reply because he picked her up under the thighs, Beatrice wrapping her legs around his waist out of habit, giggling with her face a deep shade of red, allowing herself to be carried up the stairs.
-
They had to go to the karaoke bar exactly at eight, it was the time where mainly everyone would be waiting and the time everything would be just perfect. He was excited for Bea, he knew how much she’d like this and how much it’d mean to her…even if he had to throw some deception along the way.
Shells and Evelyn were ‘too busy’ to join the karaoke night, which made Beatrice feel a little crestfallen, looking down at her phone with a tiny frown on her face, “It’s okay baby.” he tries to ease her sad heart, rubbing the back of his index finger on the side of her face, “You guys can try again some other time.”
“I guess so…I’d’ve liked them to show up, you know?” she drops the hand holding the phone to the side, then places the small device into her bag as Rooster waits for her, “Just…you know, they are my friends.” she grabs his hand when he offers, the two walking up to the karaoke bar, trying to avoid getting hit by the passerby’s that were coming around, “Oh, wow, I hope we can find a spot inside, it looks like it’s full of people.”
“Yeah, me too.” he lies, trying his best to bite back his grin when they wander inside, Bradley walking up to one of the ladies seated at front where they could choose a room to go. But he didn’t have to choose because it was already chosen and closed for. Beatrice, thankfully, is too distracted pulling her phone back out to check that maybe her friends changed their minds and are on their way over. She only looked up when Rooster tugged her hand and told her to follow him, “We’re in luck, we got one spot safe for us.”
“Oh really?” she smiles, her smile turning confused when they wander past the usual small group areas to go up the staircase where the big corporate rooms are, “Oh, ah, wow, and it’s up here?” she couldn’t help but look at her surroundings in surprise. “I thought this are was for big groups or something.” her boyfriend doesn’t reply, in fact he just sends her an amused look and gently places his hand on her lower back, guiding her through the sea of people.
They end up at a large double door with a red sticker on it, a sticker that looked a lot like a party hat. Beatrice couldn’t really ask much, because Rooster opened the door with his free hand - she could see only black- and gently pushed her inside, “Roos what is–
“SURPRISE!!!”
Beatrice yelped in shock, holding onto Rooster’s arm when the lights turned on revealing every single one of her friends in there, with the addition of Michael,Leo, Cynthia,Marina and Derek, all of them inside a large room filled with party decorations and a large plasma screen in the middle of the wall. Beatrice’s eyes widened, trying to get past the shock with a hand over her heart, “What–what–”
“Happy birthday Bumblebea!!” Shells shouted, blowing a pink colored horn that sounded like a dying duck more than an actual instrument. The brunette was still digesting what was happening, furrowing her eyebrows when she saw Shells…and Evelyn…wait a minute.
“Wait! But you guys said you were busy–” 
“It was a little white lie so you wouldn’t be suspicious,” Comes Evelyn’s voice from the right, stepping away from Jake to wrap an arm on her friend’s shoulder as a hug, “Plus don’t get mad at us, it was all Rooster’s idea.”
Beatrice looks back at her tall boyfriend, who was now grabbing one of the chilled Budweiser bottles from the tin bucket in the corner, giving her a proud smile, “Roos…you, how did you–”
“It wasn’t easy, I have to admit. Evelyn helped me get this spot for everyone,” the black haired woman nodded in agreement when Bea turned to look back at her, “And you know, I thought you’d like it.”
Beatrice never had a surprise party before, she always wanted one…and now, for her thirtieth birthday she got one. Because her boyfriend organized it - well her boyfriend and her friend - something for her again. Her eyes were so wide they looked like they’d pop out of the sockets at any second, barely noticing when people started hugging her, congratulating her on another year on this Earth. 
When she was calm enough, her eyes finally adjusting on seeing everyone and now that they were all taking their places in the comfortable dark blue couches in the room, Beatrice got closer to Bradley with her eyes shining, “Did you really…organize this for me?”
“Of course.” he answers easily, lifting a hand to cup her chin, rubbing the slope right underneath her lower lip, “I thought you’d like it.”
“I…I love it! I’ve never had a surprise party before Roos…this is…'' she turns her head to see her siblings with their respective spouses already getting familiarized with the Dagger squad. Penny was there too, she didn’t think she’d show up since today was Saturday and it was still early…did she take a night off just to come to her birthday? Beatrice couldn’t even help the happy sigh that went past her lips the more she looked, “This is…really the best gift ever.”
Rooster’s gaze softened at the same time hers did, watching her watch the others with a warmth inside those green irises he couldn’t help but keep his eyes on her, dropping his hand from her chin to stuff it into his pocket, “You are welcome baby.” he coos, leaning down to kiss her temple, then her red cheek, “This is all for you.”
All for her.
Everyone was there for her.
She couldn’t even…describe what she was feeling right now, gratefulness? Happiness? All in between and at once? It was near euphoric, perhaps that would be the closest way to elaborate what was running inside her head. “Thank you Brad. Thank you so much.” she whispers, trying her hardest not to cry and destroy her carefully done make up - she did go all out on it that night - sniffling quietly, “No one ever did this for me.”
“I’m full of surprises.”
“Yeah…” she was going to marry this man, there was no backing away now, “Yeah you are.”
“Hey! Come on lovebirds! Are we going to start this show or not?”
Both of them turn to where Shells was currently fiddling with the karaoke playlist, everyone else already seated and snacking on the peanuts they usually kept on the center table before every main meal. Bea then turns to Rooster, who smirks and nods his head forward, “After you, gorgeous.”
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spnhunter4life · 1 year
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So Long
Summary: Jenna and Dean have known each other since she was 9 and he was 11. Their fathers often hunted together, so they grew up in next door motel rooms, keeping each other company and watching out for Sammy. They were inseparable until their dads inevitably fought and stopped working together. Shortly after Sam left for college, her father had been killed on a hunt and his dad had been more and more distant, so they started hunting together. In a world where everyone has a tattoo of their soulmate’s name that appears somewhere on them on their 16th birthday, it took them a ridiculous amount of time to figure things out.
Word Count: 4.6k
A/N: I’ve always really loved the soulmate cliché, so I decided to write one of my own. As I was figuring out the basics of what I wanted to do, Niall Horan’s song So Long came on my playlist. It’s a beautiful song and I realized how well it fit the story I was trying to come up with, so this is based off of it.
A/N 2: So I just jumped back on the Supernatural bandwagon. While I was never truly off the wagon per se, it was more of a background appreciation for it while I was interested in other things. But I finally convinced myself to finish season 15 and now I'm all in again.
I remembered this fic I started like four years ago. I never posted it because it wasn't finished. It's still not, but I went back and reread what I have so far, and I'm actually super happy with it. So, that being said, I'm going to admit that I'm a super inconsistent writer. I might be super motivated to write for a few days (which I definitely am right now) and then not write again for a year. That's half the reason I never posted it. The other half is because, while I don't actually write things down often, I make stories in my head constantly and I've realized that I often go back and change details to fit the new direction I've decided to go in. And so I didn't want to post this until I was all done in case I wanted to make changes. But I decided I can edit and let people know things changed if it comes to that. I'm hoping if I can get some people to see this and get a little feedback, it will keep me motivated to write. All feedback is appreciated! Tell me what you liked. Tell me what could improve. Let me know if you find any grammar errors or inconsistencies. As long as it’s said nicely, I’m glad for absolutely any comments you might have.
My plan is to update weekly to give myself time to get the next chapters done. The second chapter is currently done/super close to done. Not sure if I want to add more to it or move it to another chapter. I’ve got a decent start on chapter 3 also. With the outline I have currently, this story is set to be 8 chapters. That could easily change though. 
Also, shoutout to @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​. You probably don’t even remember, but you read this chapter over for me way back when I first wrote it, so thanks for the support you gave me then!
Sorry for the super long note, and thanks for reading this far if you did!
Series Masterlist
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Looking back through changes Where we started from Don’t know about you but I Knew it wasn’t wrong
Ages 16 and 17 June 25, 1996
I woke up, not exactly expecting to feel different, but maybe hoping. Today I would find out who my soulmate was. At least, I’d get a first name. Even though I knew it was stupid to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but secretly want it to be Dean’s name. I was also nervous. Did I really want to know? If it wasn’t Dean, how would I deal with the disappointment? But if it was Dean, how could I possibly approach a subject like that? And even then, it wouldn’t mean it was Dean Winchester I was meant to be with. There were other Deans in the world. And wouldn’t he have said something by now if my name was tattooed on him somewhere?
Taking a deep breath, I looked over all of the skin currently exposed by my pajamas. Nothing on my arms or legs from the knees down.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9:30. I couldn’t believe I’d slept that long, that my dad had let me!
I jumped out of bed, grabbing my towel and clothes for the day, heading straight for the shower. I’d made one friend in this small Louisiana town, a very outgoing girl I��d bumped into while getting groceries with Sam and Dean. She’d been excited to meet someone new, saying all of her friends were on vacation for the summer, and she and I were supposed to meet up soon to spend the day together.
I started the shower to let the temperature adjust and then started the process of removing my clothes, checking each inch of revealed skin for a name. Nothing yet, then. Supposedly, the name showed up around the time of day you were born. I had no idea what time that was, so I would let Alyssa distract me for the day and check again tonight.
When I came out of the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail to combat some of the summer heat, my dad was just closing the door, chocolate chip muffins, my favorite breakfast food, in his hand.
“Happy birthday,” he smiled. “How does it feel to be sixteen?” He asked this question every year, but this was the big year, and it held a little more weight behind it. “It feels… pretty much the same as every other year I guess.” I told him honestly. Other than my nerves being slightly on edge with the upcoming soulmate reveal, it felt like any other day. “What are you still doing here? I thought you and John would’ve left by now.”
“That was the original plan, but I couldn’t leave without seeing my daughter on her birthday. I wanted to have the chance to eat breakfast together. The case can wait a couple hours.” He told me, sitting down at the table.
“Where are those two shadows of yours?” He teased as I took a seat across from him and grabbed a muffin. I knew he wouldn’t ask about my tattoo. He didn’t like people prying into his life and he didn’t pry into mine. He knew I’d tell him if I wanted to.
“I have no idea,” I replied as I peeled the wrapper off my muffin. “I haven’t seen either of them, but I just got up. Thanks for letting me sleep in by the way.”
“I figured one day can’t hurt. But don’t think you can go slacking off. It’s back to morning runs and training after this.” He said before taking a bite of his own muffin. “I still don’t understand why those boys aren’t here. You three make such a big deal out of each other’s birthdays, I half expected them to break down the door.” He mused.
“Maybe they forgot. And we don’t make ‘such a big deal.’ One present and a movie night isn’t too much to ask. Besides, it’s mostly Sam. Dean always made a big deal about his birthdays growing up and so Sam learned to do the same for us.” I told him.
“Yeah but a bunch of kids scrounging up enough money to get those presents for each other is a big deal.” He said with a fond smile. Taking the last bite of his muffin, he stood and grabbed something off of the counter. “Speaking of presents,” he said as he handed it to me.
“Dad, you didn’t have to.” I told him as I grabbed it. 
“I know I didn’t, but it’s not every day your baby girl turns sixteen. It’s not much, but I thought you would enjoy it.” He replied a little awkwardly.
I grinned and wrapped my arms around him, Backstreet Boys CD clutched in my hand. I had found them on accident really. It was all Alyssa’s fault. I generally enjoyed the same music as Dean, but she had showed me one of their songs and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Dad had heard me humming it one day which led to an embarrassing confession.
“Don’t tell Dean.” I pleaded, knowing the endless teasing and likely judgment I would be on the receiving end of if he found out. “Oh, I wouldn’t dare.” Dad laughed, pulling away from the hug.
“I should probably go find him though,” I said, glancing at the clock. “I’m supposed to meet Alyssa soon and he said he’d drive me.”
“Have fun!” I heard him shout as I left our motel room. I saw the Impala parked by the room next door, so I knew he was here at least. Since Dean has legally been able to drive, John gave it to Dean and the two of them take either my dad’s truck or the one John had purchased after gifting Dean the Impala. As I raised my hand to knock, the door flew open.
“Oh!” John said, startled. “I was just going to tell your dad we need to get going. I’m glad you’re up.” Then he was in the motel room I’d just abandoned, not waiting for my response.
“Hi to you to.” I mumbled under my breath. I walked through the door John had left open to see Dean sprawled out on the couch. He turned to me when I closed the door and grinned.
“Hey, there’s the birthday girl!” He exclaimed, prompting Sam to run out of the bathroom, dressed and looking fresh from the shower, toothbrush in his mouth.
“Jenna! You’re here! I wanted to go to your room a while ago, but Dean told me to let you sleep. Were you sleeping?” Before I could answer him, he rushed on. “He told me you’re going to spend the day with your friend, but we’re still going to have our movie night, right? We have to have our movie night. It’s our tradition!”
“Breathe, Sam.” I chuckled. “Of course we’re having movie night. It wouldn’t be a birthday without it. Now how about you go finish brushing your teeth before you start drooling on the floor.” Content with my answer, he hurried back to the bathroom, hand cupped under his chin where toothpaste bubbles were trying to drip down.
“So,” Dean drawled, getting up off the couch. “The big 16. How’s it feel?” He walked over to stand next to me and, not for the first time, I was struck with how effortlessly gorgeous he was. His hair was tousled and still slightly damp from the shower he must have taken this morning. He wore his usual jeans, t-shirt, flannel, and boots, the amulet Sam had given him hanging around his neck, but somehow, he was the most attractive guy I had ever seen. I knew it wasn’t a biased opinion, every girl in every school always drooled after him.
“I assume it feels the same as you felt a year ago.” I replied once my brain started functioning again. “You still good to take me to meet Alyssa?” I asked.
“Sweetheart, have I ever bailed on you?” He asked, mock offended.
“Well…” I trailed off, remembering the handful of times Sam and I had been left to fend for ourselves while he was off with a girl. When I saw him looking at me expectantly, I sighed. “Not when it really counted, no.” I relented.
“Did you ask her yet?” Sam questioned, reappearing from the bathroom and heading for Dean. Dean sighed and looked at me. “Is it ok with you if Sam comes with to drop you off? I don’t know why he’s even asking. I know you don’t care, but he wouldn’t leave me alone about it this morning.”
“That’s not true!” Sam denied. “He told me I could come if you said yes, and I know you usually don’t care, but since you’re 16 today I thought you might want to talk.” He stated matter-of-factly.
“Talk about what?” I asked, brow wrinkled in confusion. There’s not much Dean and I didn’t talk about in front of the kid. I don’t know why he thought there was suddenly a need for privacy or what being 16 had to do with it. “About-” he started, but then cut himself off, looking anxious. “I don’t know.” He continued, head down and shuffling his feet. “Just… being 16?”
I looked to Dean, hoping for some kind of explanation, but he just shrugged his shoulders, although he seemed a little annoyed, like he knew more than he was letting on. I wasn’t in the mood to press the issue though.
“Ok…. Well I don’t have any super-secret conversations that need to be had with your brother, so if you want to come along, that’s fine.” I assured Sam. 
“Good! When are we leaving?” He asked excitedly.
“If Dean’s ready, then right now would be good.” I replied, looking to Dean. He answered by shrugging on his leather jacket, plucking the keys off the table and holding the door open for me.
With everyone piled in the car, Dean started toward the mall where I was supposed to meet Alyssa. It was a typical car ride, Sam chattering away in the back, and Dean humming along to Led Zeppelin. I told Dean where to park. Alyssa wasn’t there yet, but I was content to sit and wait with the boys.
“I thought we might have to wait until tonight to give this to you, but I’m glad we don’t have to.” Sam said excitedly, pulling a box out of his jacket pocket. “It was my idea to get this kind of present for you, but Dean helped me pick it out.” He looked to his brother with a proud smile before handing the box to me.
I was a little nervous to open it. Sam was so excited, I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t like it. Although he’d never say anything, I could tell Dean was a little nervous too by the way he tensed his shoulders and bit his lip. I carefully opened the box and gasped.
Inside was a bracelet made from ribbons of silk. It was twisted around so that it looked like four different strands. The top and bottom of each ribbon was an olive green while the middle was mulberry. One of the ribbons wrapped through a gold button that was used to adjust the size. I couldn’t believe something so beautiful was for me.
“I love it!” I told them as I took it out of the box to place on my left wrist. I noticed Dean’s quiet, relieved exhale and turned to hug him. “Thank you.” I whispered. He wrapped his arms around me before mumbling a quiet “You’re welcome,” into my hair.
“And thank you too!” I said, pulling away from Dean to face a fidgety, giddy looking Sam in the back. He flung his upper body over the seat to get a hug of his own. “You’re gonna have a pretty hard time topping this one.” I informed him as I sat back. Sam just grinned.
“My friend at the last school had a bracelet that she wore all the time and I asked her if that was a good idea for a 16th birthday present for you,” he explained. “She said if you like jewelry it was a good idea, and I know you like Dean's amulet, so I told him about my idea and he said we’d keep an eye out for anything you might like. There was a lot of stuff I thought you would like, but Dean kept saying they weren’t right.” I glanced at Dean and saw a slight blush gracing his freckled cheeks.
“He liked that one as soon as he saw it. I didn’t know why you’d like it any better than any of the ones I pointed out, but I know you guys know each other really well so I just told him to make sure you knew getting a bracelet was my idea.” He finished, slightly out of breath.
Before I could say anything to assure Sam I appreciated his efforts and relieve Dean of his embarrassment, there was a knock on my window. Startled, I jumped a little before facing the window where Alyssa stood waiting. Turning to look at the boys, I thanked them again for the amazing present and then opened the door to get out of the car and say hi to her. As I was closing the door, I heard Dean say my name.
“Just a second.” I said to Alyssa before opening the door again and sticking my head in. “What’s up?” I asked.
“I was just wondering when and where I should be picking you up.” He replied. “Oh, right. I didn’t even think about that.” I said, turning to Alyssa to figure out the details. “Cleary.” He teased. I looked back at him, sarcastic comment at the ready, but I saw the twinkle in his eye and knew he was just joking. I shushed him and closed the door, turning to once again face Alyssa.
“I can drive you back, it’s no problem.” She assured me. 
“Are you sure? Dean doesn’t have anything else he needs to be doing, and I know he likes to do it anyway. He’s a bit protective like that. The first time he dropped Sam off at a friend’s I thought he was going to sit outside the house the whole time.” I told her, smiling at the memory.
“It’s really no problem. I don’t have any definite plans for the day so I wouldn’t know what to tell him anyway.” She said. 
“Ok…” I trailed off, giving her one last chance to change her mind. She gave me a look, clearly stating that she wouldn’t so I passed the information on to Dean.
“You don’t even have a guess about when you’ll be done?” He asked. I knew he liked to have a timeline so if someone wasn’t back when they were expected he would know something was wrong. If he didn’t have any schedule to follow, he’d spend the whole time worrying, unsure if something had happened or we just weren’t done yet. 
“Well I have to be back in time for movie night,” I reminded him with a wink in Sam’s direction, “so I won’t be gone any later than… say 8:30? That should give us time to watch a couple of movies before Sam passes out.”
“Yeah, ok.” Dean relented, slightly less on edge now that he had a set time. “Have fun.” He smiled. I closed the door and watched them drive off.
“Are you ready to do some shopping?” Alyssa asked with a grin.
~~~~~
“You have to have a swimsuit!” Alyssa insisted as we walked by racks of them at Kohl’s. “Not if you never go swimming, you don’t.” I countered.
“But what if you do go swimming? What are you going to wear then?” She argued. “I don’t know. I’m sure if the opportunity came up, I’d just go buy one.” I told her. “Then why not buy one now?” She asked.
“Because,” I sighed. “We move around a lot. We’re not exactly hitting up five-star hotels with pools or renting homes that have one. I think the last time I went swimming was when I was 12 and the house we were renting had a pond.”
“Ok, well I have a pool, it’s the middle of summer in Louisiana, and I might invite you over to swim sometime. Besides, I’m buying so you can’t really argue that much.” She said, flipping her strawberry blonde hair as she turned and pulled me towards the swimwear.
“That’s a nice bracelet,” she commented, looking at my wrist where I was half-heartedly searching through a rack of one-piece swimsuits. “Yeah,” I smiled. “Sam and Dean gave it to me for my birthday.”
“It’s pretty. I didn’t think boys were any good at finding decent jewelry.” She remarked as she moved on to the next rack. She didn’t like the one-pieces anyway and had only been humoring me, ironic since I was only humoring her about the swimsuits in general. 
“I swear Dean has some sort of sixth sense for what people will like. Well,” I corrected, “not people. But me and Sam.”
“This one! You have to try this one!” Alyssa said excitedly, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked to where she was holding a white and blue two-piece. “I know you didn’t want a two-piece, but this isn’t a bikini. It doesn’t show much more than a one-piece would.” Seeing my hesitation, she continued. “Just try it on. If you hate it, we’ll put it back.”
“Yes!” She cheered, seeing my resignation. She handed the suit to me and led the way to the changing rooms.
It was definitely a nice-looking suit, I’d give her that much. The top piece was thick enough all the way through that there was no danger of anything showing. It had a clasp in the back and three strings to tie around my neck, two white and one robin’s egg blue. The bottom piece started like a normal bikini bottom, but thicker. Above the hips it cut in to cover only the front of my torso, leaving my back and sides exposed, and went up to the bottom of my ribs. There were three strings encircling my back, keeping the material up. It was decorated with flowers in shades of blue, and as much as I liked it – although I’d never admit it to Alyssa – I didn’t think I would be comfortable wearing it in public.
“Are you ready yet?” I heard her ask through the door. 
“Kind of. I have it on, but I don’t know if I want to come out.” I admitted. 
“Come on, you can’t look that bad.” She encouraged.
“It’s not that.” I told her. “I’m just not comfortable showing this much skin. I live in jeans, you know. The only reason I’m wearing shorts is because I might actually die from this heat.”
“Just come out. No one’s going to see you. I promise there’s no one else around.” She encouraged.
I sighed before opening the door and peering my head around. I was met with an unimpressed look. “Alright, I’m coming.” I relented. I stepped out of the changing stall and was greeted with a wolf whistle from Alyssa. “Cut it out!” I blushed.
“Why? You look great!” she exclaimed. “As much as I like that bracelet, it really doesn’t match the-” she cut off. 
“What?” I asked nervously? 
“Umm… did you find your tattoo yet?”
I was a little shocked. It was an awfully personal question to be asking someone you’d only known for a couple of weeks. “No. Why?” I asked a little defensively. She nodded toward my left side where my hand was hanging by my hip. I impulsively lifted it to my face, scanning for the name. 
“Not your hand,” she said.
I slowly looked down to my left side just above my hip where, just as she said, I could see the top of thick black letters peeking over the swimsuit.
~~~~~
“Alright, right’s wrong?” Dean asked, pausing the movie. We were halfway through our second movie of the night, Mission Impossible, and while I was enjoying it, I couldn’t seem to sit still. I was sat between the two boys, Dean’s arm resting on the back of the couch behind my head, our usual seating situation on movie nights. Sam was slouched over, starting to drift off. He could never seem to stay awake for more than one movie.
“What? Nothing’s wrong. Why do you think something’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Well, you haven’t sat still for more than five minutes at a time and I can see the wheels spinning in your head. You know you can talk to me about anything right?” He sounded genuinely concerned. 
“I know.” I sighed.
“Nothing happened, right? You’ve seemed a little off since you got back.” He pushed, not for the information he knew I wasn’t ready to give, but for assurance that I was alright. 
“I’m fine,” I told him honestly. “It’s just… I found my tattoo while we were trying on clothes. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, figure out how I feel.” I confessed.
“Oh.” Was his only response. I could tell he wanted to press for more information, but he stayed quiet.
~~~~~
“I can’t look at it. I don’t want to know what it says. What do I do?” I asked. My breath was coming faster and I was starting to panic.
“Hey. Hey! Jenna! Look at me. Deep breath.” Alyssa calmly instructed, demonstrating and breathing with me until my breathing was back to normal. “You’re going to have to see it sometime. It’s unavoidable. Right now, it doesn’t change anything. It just gives you a name. You can do whatever you want with that name once you have it. It doesn’t decide anything for you.”
I knew she was right and steeled myself to look at it, Alyssa waiting patiently. Carefully, I pushed the swimsuit strap down just enough to reveal the name underneath.
DEAN
 Ages 14 and 16 January 24, 1995
Dean’s POV
I stared at the ceiling, willing myself to find the energy to get out of bed. I heard Sam moving around, getting ready for school, but I couldn’t bring myself to do the same. I knew that by the end of the day I would have letters inked into my skin. Letters that spelled out my soulmate’s name. I had no illusions about my family’s lifestyle and what it would mean for my soulmate. It would be a bittersweet moment, finally learning her name, but knowing I could never allow myself to be with her, to put her in that kind of danger.
With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I rubbed my eyes before standing up and starting to get ready for the day. I had decided I wasn’t going to look for the tattoo. I would put it off for as long as I could and see it whenever I happened to stumble upon the patch of skin it showed up on.
~~~~~
It had been a pretty good morning. My anxiety had faded to the background when a smiling Jenna came into our room with bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast. It wasn’t elaborate by any means, but it was more than we usually had and the fact that she took the time to make it for us, for me, made it that much more special.
The two of them had given me the gift they picked out right away this morning when an excited Sam decided he couldn’t wait until after school. He halfway disappeared under the bed for a few seconds, wiggling his way back out with a box clutched in his hands. He proudly handed it to me and then watched in eager anticipation as I opened two new movies, Jumanji and Batman Forever.
“Now we have something to watch for movie night too!” He exclaimed. I thanked them both and then we headed to school, Jenna’s dad dropping us off.
Now I was sitting in the locker room, changing back into my regular clothes after gym class. I had opted out of a shower, not wanting to find my tattoo in this miserable place, surrounded by strangers I would have to guard my reaction around. I had my foot up on the bench I was sitting on, switching out my sweaty socks for a dry pair, lost in my thoughts when I heard someone to my left snicker and say, “Isn’t Jenna your sister?”
My head whipped around to look at Matt, the guy who had spoken. He was a sophomore like me, and while he wasn’t wildly popular, he sure thought he was something special. “What?” I snapped, confused about why he was asking about her. My protective instincts flared up. We had only been at this school for a week, but I was well aware how attractive Jenna was, and if this kid thought he was going to try something he had another thing coming. “Why?” I asked, failing to keep the suspicion out of my voice.
“Didn’t the two of you show up around the same time? And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the two of you coming to school in the same car,” he mused. “So you must be her brother. That’s gotta be pretty awkward. Unless you know another Jenna?” 
“I don’t have to explain anything to you,” I snapped.
“Dude, don’t they have different last names?” Chimed in a freshman whose name I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for or irritated by his input. “So unless they have different dads or something… I don’t think they’re related.” Irritated, I decided. He hadn’t said anything offensive, and his analysis wasn’t wrong, but I found I didn’t like the way he was obviously looking for Matt’s approval.
“Really? How do you know that?” Matt asked. Without waiting for a reply, he continued.
“Well that’s a relief. It would be pretty weird if your sister was your soulmate.” He laughed. “Too bad though,” he continued, having gained the attention of most of the locker room. “She’s not half bad looking. I might ask her out anyway, see what she really thinks about her pathetic, loser soulmate.”
I clenched my jaw. Having lived in tight quarters for years, Jenna and Sam had learned to back off at this, that it meant I was seriously pissed off. Matt had the misfortune of not knowing me so well. “Leave her alone.” I warned. I had managed to keep my temper so far, but if he actually made a move on her, all bets were off. 
“Don’t worry,” Matt drawled on. “I’ll test her out for you. Let you know if she’s actually worth your ti-”
Before he even realized I was moving I had crossed the couple of steps to him, grabbed a fistful of his shirt, and shoved him back into the lockers. “I don’t know what you’re even talking about,” I seethed, “but you better stay away from her or I’ll make sure that my pathetic loser face is the last thing you see before I put you in the hospital.”
I turned away from him and, after taking a step, ducked, effectively dodging the punch I had seen him getting ready to throw. I spun back around and landed a solid punch to his face before grabbing my shoes and walking out the door. It wasn’t until I was sitting in the bleachers lacing up my boots that I saw it. Inked into the skin of my left ankle was her name.
JENNA
Chapter 2
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Random-Mailbox's Favorite Sailor Moon Fics - Week 34 - Body Swap
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Body-Swap, as a trope, is not super popular in this fandom to be honest and I had a tough time finding true “Body-Swap” stories to make a post with. HOWEVER, since this is MY list, stories where Usagi and Mamoru are stuck having a constant mental connection should be fair game. There is one other story that I kept debating if I wanted to add to the list, but ultimately decided to leave off because some of the choices the author had made were very unique (if you would like the link, DM me)
As always, my apologies in advance for spoiling some of these for you (Fic Titles are linked to either FFN or AO3 entries).
I Am He As You Are He - @linlamont
In this amazing true Body-Swap trope story, Queen Serenity’s consciousness and Pluto team up to make sure the timeline stays on track. Their solution? Swap Mamoru and Usagi so they are forced to better understand what the other person is going through and how much they truly mean to each other (Also be ready for some adorable art!)
A Craving For Chocolate Milkshakes - @kasienda
Usagi and Mamoru woke up one morning to things being just not quite right (between Mamoru trying to pet an invisible cat and hitting on Motoki and Usagi thinking about MATH of all things!). This story explores the ramifications of not being able to hide anything from someone when they are stuck in your head, able to read every thought. I also absolutely love the ending, enough to have re-read this a couple of times at least. 
Mental Connections - Final Saturn
Walking away from another youma battle, Serena and Darien realise that they are having a telepathic conversation, including seeing images of less-than-flattering-things Serena would like to do to Darien given a chance. This connection though is not only mental, it eventually forces them to be close to each other, as much as possible - Zoisite is really an evil genius! 
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That's it for this week. Next time, to coincide with Nurses week, we will cover what I am calling "Medical Assistance" stories (which are not the same as Dr Chiba ones, those will be it's own post in the future 😏).
Here are the links to the previous Tumblr posts in these series to explore more amazing works based on different themes - make sure to check them out if you haven't had a chance! (Click on title name to go to the post) - I will keep updating the list every week as new posts come up:
Week 1 - Groundhog Day
Week 2 - Established Relationships
Week 3 - Sex Positivity
Week 4 - Unfinished Stories
Week 5 - Darker Stories
Week 6 - Potions 🧪
Week 7 - Reveals
Week 8 - 👻Halloween🎃
Week 9 - Wrong Perceptions
Week 10 - Non-Senshi AU
Week 11 - In-Progress Fics
Week 12 - Mutual Pining
Week 13 - Enemies to Lovers
Week 14 - Slow Burn
Week 15 - Christmas Part 1 - Ugly Christmas Sweaters and Santa!
Week 16 - Christmas Part 2
Week 17 - New Years
Week 18 - High School AU
Week 19 - Slice of Life
Week 20 - Coffee shop AU
Week 21 - Huddle for Warmth
Week 22 - Friends to Lovers
Week 23 - ❤️Valentines Day❤️
Week 24 - Do a Grouch a Favour Day (or Cheer Up Fics)
Week 25 - Soulmate AU
Week 26 - Amnesia Fics (and resources)
Week 27 - 🍀St Patrick's Day🍀
Week 28 - Fix it Fics
Week 29 - Prompt: Mug
Week 30 - Flowers
Week 31 - Traditions
Week 32 - Dreams
Week 33 - Friends
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The Story of You
Hi my friends! We are back on track! I am so excited to pick up where we left off, we have still a lot of mysteries to unfold! I hope you enjoy this new part, come and talk to me about what you think, it really makes me happy to have your feedback :) All the love, Mar
Disclaimer: In no way do I wish to spread hate or negative opinions about any of the characters here depicted, this is just fiction and with the purpose of entertaining you guys
Click on the visuals to enhance your reading experience!
Part 11: Love on Tour
September 2, 2021: Week Twenty-Six
New York City, New York. 7:30 PM
I hated packing; I really did. And now that I’m pregnant is even worse because I had to pack at least two outfit options and depending on my hormones and body temperature see what I should wear.
Glenne had been kind enough to FaceTime me and help me choose what I should pack, “Babe that outfit for Vegas is bomb”, I laughed, “Well I do look like a bomb that will be detonated soon so I think it it’s very accurate”, we both laughed
“I am not saying this because you are my friend, I am saying this because it’s the truth, you are literally one of the hottest mom-to-be I have met, that belly of yours is so beautiful and I hope that I can look half as good as you do when I have a baby”
“You don’t need to sweet talk me into going, I’m flying there tomorrow”, we both laughed, “So, everything okay between you too?”, I sighed, “I mean, as good as they can get, but we have both agreed that this baby goes first and everything else goes second”
“I know things will work out, and in the end, everything will be okay”, I smiled a little and turned to look at the time, “Well as much as I love talking to you, I shall let you go, have to finish packing and sleep so that I can get to the airport on time, are you still picking me up?”
“Of course I am, with a big batch of your favorite cookies and a lot of cuddles for the belly” we both laughed, “I’ll text you everything, love you G”, “I love you more baby mama!” we hung up and I plugged in my computer to charge, I looked around and figured out that everything was packed, I closed my suitcase and placed it near the door.
I decided to take a shower and had some leftovers for dinner, I then went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and as I was getting into bed, I got a text message
From H. Styles (9:00 PM): Hello love, you all set? I cannot wait to see you both
To H. Styles (9:15 PM): Hi! We are all set, just getting into bed so that we can be very energetic tomorrow
From H. Styles (9:15 PM): Rest well love, we’ll keep in touch and see you tomorrow
To H. Styles (9:15 PM): You too Harry
September 3, 2021: Week Twenty-Six
New York City, New York. 9:00 AM
The movement occurring in JFK would never not surprise me, I loved airports because it was the place that saw the most heartfelt goodbyes and happiest hellos, however I hated how many people also liked to have an early travel.
I had boarded already and was sitting waiting for the plane to finish, I put my headphones on and pressed shuffle play on my music, I smiled when the first song that started playing was “Golden”, I texted Glenne to let her know I was ready and then I texted a picture to Harry
To H. Styles (9:45 AM): [Attachment] We are all set and ready to go
From H. Styles (9:15 PM): Oh I cannot wait to see you! Have a safe flight!
I turned my phone onto airplane mode and settled into my seat, the flight crew went through all the safety procedures, and we were now taking off and on our way to Vegas. I ate my breakfast because I was always hungry nowadays and then took a nap, I woke up just a few moments before we landed.
I got off the plane and then started making my way to the airport exit, I was thankful I had chosen to travel with a cabin suitcase and not a checked in bag, after exiting baggage claim I was about to call Glenne when I heard someone scream my name, I turned and found Jeff holding a few balloons and Glenne running to hug me.
She hugged me and we both started tearing up a little, “I have missed you baby mama”, “I have missed you too G”, she pulled a little back and she looked at my belly and turned to ask wordlessly if she could touch it which I nodded, “Little bean Auntie G has missed you too! You have grown so so much!”, she then grabbed my suitcase and we started making our way to Jeff
“Well hello there!”, I laughed and reached to hug him, “Hi Jeff, thank you for coming to pick me up”, “It was no problem, we are so happy to have you here”, we then started making our way to the van that was waiting for us and to the hotel.
About 10 minutes later we had arrived, Jeff made his way to the front desk to retrieve my key and we made our way into my room, they let me know we would see each other in a little while; the first thing I did was go to the bathroom because this baby was sitting on my bladder.
When I finished I washed my hands and started unpacking, as I was doing so I heard a knock on my door, went to open and I felt my heart start beating so loud, he looked so handsome and his smile was breathtaking
“H”
September 3, 2021: Week Twenty-Six
Harry. Las Vegas, Nevada. 12:00 PM
My anxiety was through the roof, Jeff had let me know they had already arrived at the hotel, and they had left her in her room a few minutes ago, Olivia was busy talking with her kids and I let her know that I would be going to see Y/N, which she still wasn’t happy she was here and had caused us to fight.
After closing the door to my room both Jeff and Glenne came out, they both smirked and I felt my cheeks redden, “I know I know”, Jeff spoke up, “We weren’t going to say anything, but she’s unpacking”, I smiled and waved to them and made my way to her room, I started counting the steps to her door and breathing.
I then knocked and when she opened the door my heart started beating even faster, she looked beautiful, “Hi”, she smiled, “Hi Harry, come in”, I nodded and she closed the door behind me, we both made our way to the little couch
“How was your flight?”, “Good, I slept most of the way, of course after eating because this baby has me eating everything”, we both laughed a little, I then turned to look at her belly, it had grown from the last time I had seen it, “Can I?”, she nodded, and I reached to place my hand on her belly
“Hi Bug, you have grown so much baby, are you still being stubborn and not letting us feel your kicks from the outside?”, “Oh yes, inside I feel them so much but not on the outside yet, stubborn like their dad”, “Hey that’s not nice”, she reached to squeeze my arm
“You ready for tomorrow?”, I took a deep breath, “It is surreal, just last year I thought this moment would never come and yet here we are”, I started tearing up, “I missed being on stage so much, it is my safe place and my fans, I really cannot wait to see them again”
She smiled and squeezed my arm, “You will do great”, we sat there quiet for a few moments until she spoke up, “Uhm, is there a dress code for your party tonight?”, “Hmm, not really, maybe a causal slash little bit formal?”, she nodded, “Harry I don’t want to be rude, but I am very tired and would love to rest a little before tonight”
My heart deflated a little but I knew I had to respect her wishes, “Yeah, no problem, uhm do you want me to come look for you before leaving for the party?”, “Actually, Glenne will come for me and we will go together, but I will see you there”, I nodded, we went to the door where we said out goodbyes and I returned to my room.
When I opened the door Olivia was sitting on the bed working on her computer, I knew she heard me walk in and was purposefully ignoring me, I sighed, “Are we really going to do this?”, she turned to look at me before returning her attention to her computer
“I have nothing to say to you Harry, I told you my feelings on the matter and you told me yours”, she continued to work for a few and I decided to take a shower, when I came out I was standing in the closet she reached to hug me from behind and kissed my back
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight anymore”, I sighed and reached to squeeze her hands that were around my waist, “Why can’t you trust me? I don’t know how else to reassure you that the only thing between her and I has to do with the baby?”
She pulled back a little before speaking, “Then why is she here? I mean I understand if you invite her to the New York dates, but why fly her out here?”, I pulled back a little and turned to look at her incredulously, “You do remember that she is friends with my band, don’t you? And if you must know, Sarah is the one who invited her”
She turned to look at me surprised and a little guilty, “So then why did you pay for her ticket?”, “Because she is pregnant with my child, so I need to see for both of their safety”, but deep down I knew it was more than that.
She pulled back and looked at the time, “We still have about four hours until your party, should we order something to eat and watch a movie?”, I nodded, she kissed the corner of my mouth and pulled back, I changed and reached her to see what we would order.
 Las Vegas, Nevada. 5:10 PM
My alarm started ringing and I turned it off, wiped my eyes and sat up. After Harry left, I finished packing and ordered some light lunch and I decided to take a nap because this baby was making me very tired and I did want to enjoy seeing my friends tonight.
After taking a shower I opted for a fresher outfit and some light make up, and just as I was done I heard some knocking on my door, I went to open and there stood Glenne, “You look too hot mama!”, I laughed and reached for my phone, room key and face mask because we were still in a pandemic.
The ride on the elevator was quiet and anxious, there were so many people I hadn’t seen in a while and I wasn’t even sure if I would have a warm welcome; as if she could feel my anxiety Glenne reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze, “Hey, everything will be okay yeah?”, I smiled and nodded.
The elevator opened and we walked into a big rooftop, there were four long tables settled into a square, fairy lights were hung up all around, there was a bar on the far corner and next to it there was a buffet with hot plates waiting to be filled with food.
Jeff started making his was to us and he smiled, “Hey guys welcome! You can remove your masks if you feel comfortable doing so, we are still going to get tested tomorrow. Everyone should be here in the next five to ten minutes and Y/N, I did order some mocktails for you and Sarah”
I smiled, “Thank you Jeff, you are the best”, Glenne and him looked at each other apprehensively and then turned to look at me, “Is everything okay?”, Jeff sighed before turning to me, “I just wanted to thank you, I know this is not the best situation but he is happy to have you here, but please, if you want to go home tell us and we will help you”
I smiled and hugged them both, “Thank you”, we pulled back and when we did I heard the elevator open and I turned to see who was there, I could feel myself tear up when Sarah, Mitch and their little boy came out of the elevator, when Sarah noticed me she started running to hug me and I also ran to the best of my ability to meet her halfway.
When I hugged her I had to hold the tears that were threatening to fall, I really don’t know how long we stood there but when we pulled back and I saw that she had let a few tears fall I did too, Sarah reached to clean them and we went into another hug
“Oh I have missed you so so much, how are you?”, we pulled back a little but still kept each other at an arm’s length, “I have missed you too, I am okay, feeling very pregnant at the moment”, I smiled behind her when I saw Mitch reach us and he opened his arms to give me a hug
“Well hello stranger, I have missed you”, “Hi Mitch, I have missed you too”, I pulled back and Sarah pulled me to her side before speaking up, “There is someone else I want you to meet but they are very busy napping right now”, the three of us laughed before Mitch spoke up, “Speaking of, is there anyone else you would like for us to meet”, I smiled and Sarah beamed, “Come on show us the belly”
I pulled back from her and rubbed my belly and pulled back my dress so that my belly could be seen, Sarah looked at it and then at me asking for permission to rub it, I nodded and she did, and spoke up
“Oh my god, hello bean, I am your Auntie Sarah, I was so excited to meet you, I will be your adventure buddy and a shoulder to cry on, and we will have so much fun pranking your dad and mom, and your cousin is also so excited to meet you”
We were so into our conversation that we did not hear Harry make his way to us, “I hope you are not corrupting my child Sarah Jones”
Harry. Las Vegas, Nevada. 5:30 PM
Olivia and I were making our way to the party, when we got out of the elevator I greeted Jeff and Glenne, and just as I was about to ask if Y/N was here I could see Sarah and Mitch with her and I got a very warm feeling in me seeing my best friends finally meeting my baby.
We made our way to say hello when I heard Sarah talking to my baby about pranking me so I decided to make myself known, “I hope you are not corrupting my child Sarah Jones”, she turned to look at me and smiled, “Of course not H”, she then turned to Y/N’s belly again “Yes we will”
We all laughed and she pulled back, Olivia had her hand in mine and I squeezed it, Y/N was the first time to speak up, “Olivia hi, how are you? How are your kinds?”, she stood up straighter before answering, “Hi Y/N, I am okay thank you for asking, and the kids are well too”
“I am glad to hear so”, before I could speak up Nyoh made her way to Y/N to say hello, and Jeff pulled Olivia to help him with something, I was thankful because I knew this was not her favorite outcome.
While Nyoh said hello to Y/N, Eli, Niji and Pauli came and said hello to me and we made our way to Sarah, Mitch, Y/N and Nyoh so that I could introduce her to them, when they notice us they all stood up quiet and gave us some smiles
“Y/N I would love for you to meet our new band members, this is Elin, Niji and Pauli”, Y/N turned and gave them a warm smile, “Hi! It is so nice to meet you!”, she then reached to hug them, after doing so we went into a very comfortable conversation when I heard someone scream and we all turned to see Harry Lambert making our way to us.
Las Vegas, Nevada. 5:45 PM
I was talking to Pauli when I heard someone scream for me, I turned and found Harry Lambert making his way to me, I laughed and walked a little where we met for our hug, out of the corner of my eye I saw Harry reach with a weary face.
Harry L noticed to and chastised him, “Oh cut it out Sue I am careful with her especially since she has the most special cargo, can I say hello?”, I nodded, and he reached down to caress my belly and talk to my baby
“Well hello you, I am your uncle Harry Lambert, I am the fun Harry even if your dad says the contrary. I cannot wait to meet you and dress you like a little fashionista”, he then stood up and hug me to his side.
A few moments later they let us know that food was ready, I saw Harry making his way to me but before he could Sarah spoke up, “You will sit next to us right? We have still a lot to catch up on”, out of the corner of my eye I could see Harry was kind of upset, but I didn’t know why since his girlfriend was standing there next to him, we made our way to the table and sat down.
I was sitting between Sarah and Glenne, next to Sarah was Mitch, then there was Harry Lambert, Harry, Olivia, and Elin, just in front of me I was able to talk to Pauli and Niji. After we served our plates, we all started eating and continuing on our conversation.
Elin then turned to ask me, “Do you know what you are having?”, everyone turned to look at me and Harry, “No we don’t, we decided to keep it a surprise”, Glenne then chimed in, “Place your bets people”, everyone started laughing.
I could see Harry hugged Olivia and Glenne reached to squeeze my hand under the table, and as if he could sense the air was becoming tense Jeff asked everyone to share what they were most excited for.
Harry. Las Vegas, Nevada. 8:30 PM
I felt so happy to be able to celebrate this tour with my whole team and crew, my best friends, with the mother of my baby and my baby and of course girlfriend. I was just missing my family and my heart broke thinking that I didn’t know when they would be able to see me perform.
My heart felt so warm when we started talking about he or she, but I couldn’t let me indulge on that happiness very much because I saw how Olivia tensed at the mention of that, so I did the best thing that I could to reassure her, but the hug I gave her was not entirely welcome and only after a few she relaxed into it.
Just as Sarah was about to speak, little guy Rowland decided to wake up and I smiled when I saw the excitement on Y/N’s eyes to meet him, he truly was one of the most handsome babies I had met and I was so happy to be his godparent.
She sat with him on her arms and the thought of that being her in a few months made me so excited, but it also got me wondering, would I always be an outsider on their relationship? Even if we hadn’t discussed anything related to custody and visiting arrangements, I knew it was a conversation to be had sooner rather than later. But still, I held hope that things may be different.
It was around eleven thirty when we all made our way back into our rooms, everyone had said goodnight, the last to leave were Jeff, Harry Lambert and I, on the elevator ride silence was broken after a few seconds, “I saw you Sue”, Jeff and I turned to look at him, “What do you mean?”, “That look of pride and excitement for your baby, it makes me happy for you”
I smiled and squeezed his arm, we said our goodbyes and each of us went into our room, Olivia was just getting out of the bathroom and I reached in for a hug and a kiss, which she gave me gladly, she then made her way to the room and I to the bathroom.
September 4, 2021: Week Twenty-Six
 Las Vegas, Nevada. 11:00 AM
Hi lovebug! I apologize because I know I have slacked a little on my writing for you, but I promise we are on track again! At twenty-six weeks you are now the size of an acorn squash! You are getting so big my love and my heart is full thinking that I will almost meet you. We are now in Las Vegas, Nevada because your Auntie Sarah asked us to come see her perform again with your daddy; she is very excited to meet you and so is your cousin and your Uncle Mitch; your Uncle Harry Lambert has also made sure that you remember that he is the fun Harry (although I’m sure your dad will make sure you know that is not true). We also let everyone know that we will not find out if you are a boy or a girl until you decide to come see us and bets are starting to be made! Daddy is very happy to be performing for you for the first time even if you are still inside of my belly, he is also hoping that you may give him some feedback (AKA feel a kick on the outside :D), he will be travelling for a few months singing for different people and we will be in New York for the time being, but don’t worry, he will come see you and hopefully your grandma Anne, grandpa Des and Auntie Gem and Uncle Michal will get to see him soon too. My love, never forget how much we love you already, and that every single sacrifice made is all with the hopes that you will a very happy life, we cannot wait to meet you!
A knock on my door pulled me out of bed, when I looked into the peephole, I was surprised to see Olivia standing there, I opened the door and offered her a smile which I didn’t know if she could see through my mask but still, “Hey, good morning how are you? Want to come in?”
“Y/N hi, good morning to you too, no it’s okay thank you, I went downstairs for a coffee for Harry and I and thought you would like one, I really didn’t know what you wanted so I ordered the same thing I had when I was pregnant”, she handed me a cup that smelled like chocolate and coffee and made my mouth water
“Thank you, I really appreciate it”, “Also, we are heading to the venue at around five, so if you wanted you could go with us?”, “Oh, thank you, are you all leaving at that time or only you and Harry?”, “Me and Harry, but I think Glenne will be leaving a few after”
“Thank you, I think I’ll get there with Glenne, it is taking me longer to get ready these days”, “All right, but if you do change your mind, please let me know, you have my number still yeah?” I nodded, thanked her for the coffee again and closed the door. I was kinda surprised she was being so nice to me, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt.
I took a shower and just as I came out there was a knock on my door, I peeked and saw a bellboy standing there, I put on my mask before opening, “Hi may I help you?”, “Miss Y/L/N?”, I nodded, he handed me a box, “Thank you, give me a minute”, I placed the box on the hallway table and grabbed a five dollar bill that was sitting there and handed it to him, he thanked me and left.
After closing the door, I grabbed the box and opened this, the first thing I found was a letter addressed to me, when I opened it I could see Harry’s handwriting, I read it and smiled; Having you and the baby here makes my heart feel a little warmer and closer to home. This tour is as much of your effort and sacrifices as they are mine. I am forever grateful for you. With all my love, Harry.
I put the letter aside and opened the packaged wrapped in tissue paper and when I did, I found that he had gifted me every single merch item for this tour, the design was amazing and I couldn’t wait to wear and use it all, I would thank him afterwards for it.
I packed up the merch on my bag and hopped on to some meetings I had, in between them Glenne had dropped off lunch for me and let me know we would be leaving around five thirty, I finished sending some documents and started to get ready.
At five twenty-five there was a knock on my door, I grabbed my bag and mask and opened the door to see Glenne standing there, “Hey you, you look beautiful”, she smiled, “You are the best, you look so beautiful too, are you ready?”
I nodded and we made our way to the arena, when we got there Glenne pulled out our backstage passes and Covid tests and we made our way to the arena, I smiled when I could hear the fans cheer, I had missed this and I knew they did too, and it still felt surreal to be here.
When we got in backstage there was a lot of chaos and happiness all around and the room was buzzing, I followed Glenne until we arrived outside a room, when she opened the door I could see that the band was there, hair and make-up done and talking with their families, I could also see Jeff and his family and there was another circle where Harry was standing with James Corden and with Olivia.
Glenne started walking and she turned to see if I was following, but before she could speak I let her know that I would stand outside for a few. I closed the door behind me and stood on the side, I pulled my phone out and checked an email before answering and outing the phone back inside my bag.
I reached to rub my belly, which had become one of my soothing mechanisms and I was also hoping that maybe I could feel a kick on the outside, i was so into my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door open until someone spoke up and scared the crap out of me.
Harry. Las Vegas, Nevada. 6:15 PM
I was happy, nervous and excited, the time for tour was finally here and of all the things I did, performing was my favorite. I wasn’t able to sleep too much so when Olivia and I woke up she went and got us a coffee.
Hours passed by and before I knew it we had to get to the arena. When we got there everyone was happy and the energy there was awesome, after we had soundcheck I went into my changing room and checked that everything was alright.
After doing so I stopped by hair and makeup, once we decided that everything was okay we went into a big general room where the band and their families that could be here were already there, I said hello to them and all of a sudden I heard the Azoff’s calling my name.
I smiled at Shellie and hugged her, I then said hello to Irving and Jeff, who let me know that Y/N and Glenne would be here soon, when he said that my heart started beating so fast, I knew she had received the box but I hadn’t heard from her.
A few moments later Glenne appeared and said hello to everyone, but I noticed that Y/N was not behind her, I turned to look at her and silently asked her where she was, even though I knew the answer, I excused myself and exited the room.
When I did my heart did some somersaults, she looked so beautiful and her belly, oh her belly, it made me so happy to be doing this with her, “How did I know you would be here huh?”, she jumped and laughed a little
“You scared me”, I walked next to her, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to”, “It’s okay”, I stood beside her for a few before turning and asking permission to rub her belly and she nodded, “Hi little sprout, are you excited, would you let me know?”, she laughed before speaking, “Oh baby is excited, hopefully he or she will let us know soon”
I turned to look at her wearily, “Are you okay?”, “I am now, thank you, by the way for the merch, I loved it”, I smiled “I am glad, do you want to go inside?”, she nodded but before we could move, she squeezed my bicep, “Can I give you a hug?”
“Of course you can”, she reached in and I did too, I kissed her head for a few and she squeezed me extra hard. We pulled back and then made our way to the room, when she entered, they stole her from me and I felt this over protectiveness over her and the baby which I know is irrational, but maybe it was my fatherly instinct.
James came and he also got the time to congratulate us for the baby, and I took the chance to thank again everyone for all of their effort and left to change to my concert outfit, just before getting into the box Olivia kissed me and I turned to look at Y/N who gave me a smile and a thumbs up which I returned.
Las Vegas, Nevada. 9:00 PM
We were standing on the back of the pit waiting for the show to begin, the outfits everyone was wearing were so beautiful, and I couldn’t believe that he was now here. When the light went out everyone screamed and I could feel the chills of excitement.
Bukowski’s monologue was starting mixed along with the introductory notes for ‘Golden’ were playing, To do a dangerous thing with style is what I call art. Butterflies were moving on my belly. Style is the difference, a way of doing, a way of being done.
When Harry appeared on the middle of the stage and he started playing Golden again, the butterflies returned, as the chorus was playing I placed my hands on my belly I felt a little nudge that made me freak, I moved my hands and pressed a little, and there was that nudge again, my eyes watered
“Oh hi baby, I feel you, are you excited for daddy?”, there was bug again, I felt the tears in my eyes, “There you are baby, I love you”, I enjoyed the rest of the concert feeling my baby move, I couldn’t wait to tell Harry that Lovebug did react to his concert and music.
September 5, 2021: Week Twenty-Six
Las Vegas, Nevada. 12:15 AM
I had just gotten out of the shower when I noticed that I had a missed call from Harry, as I was about to return it, the phone rang again, it was him. “Hello?”, “Oh hi, I thought you were asleep”, “Sorry, I was taking a shower”, we were quiet for a few seconds before he spoke up
“Are you up for a visit?”, “Uhm sure, is Olivia okay with that?”, “She is, so I’ll see you in a few”, I hung up and brushed my teeth, as I closed the bathroom door I heard a knock on my room door, I peeped into the peephole and opened it for Harry
“Hey, there’s the man of the hour!”, he laughed and came in, he had a bag of goodies on his hand, we sat down on the floor with our backs to the bed and as he pulled out the snacks I grabbed some drinks for us.
“So, how did you enjoy the concert?”, “I loved it, the setlist was amazing, the lights, stage and everything”, “I am glad you enjoyed it”, I had been thinking on how to tell him that the baby had kicked since I knew that he was so excited for it to happen and now was the perfect time to tell him
“Although, there is one song that has my heart more than ever”, he looked at me curiously, “Will you tell me which song it is?”, I nodded and reached for my phone to play it, “Golden?”, I nodded, “Why?”
I reached for his hand and placed it over my belly, I turned to look at him, it was so amazing to see his emotions change from curiosity, to hope and finally to the realization and adoration that he was felling his baby kick, “Really? With Golden?”, I nodded again, and tears sprung to his eyes
He placed both hands on my belly and leaned to whisper, “Hi baby, did you enjoy my song? I love you so much, I cannot wait to dance this with you”, he then reached to place a kiss on my belly but he froze when he realized he did and I felt my breath leave my lungs.
“I’m so sorry”, “No, it’s okay”, we stared at each other for a few, he then reached to hug me and I let him, just for a few I would be selfish and believe that everything was as it had always been and how it should be.
 September 7, 2021: Week Twenty-Seven
Denver, Colorado. 9:00 AM
I really did not know how I ended up here in Denver. The original plan was for me to fly out of Vegas the day they were supposed to leave for Denver, however it took Sarah, Nyoh and Elin, who was becoming one of my close friends, no more than ten minutes to somehow convince me to come.
And maybe it also had to do with Harry, I will not lie; the night he visited me he had shared how anxious he was feeling for missing part of this pregnancy, and even if I reassured him that I would make sure that he was as present as he could be, which resulted in me agreeing to go with him and then fly home.
The knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts, I grabbed my jacket and mask and went to open the door, when I did Sarah was waiting there for me and after saying hello we went into the elevator, when we got downstairs Mitch was already there with the stroller.
When he saw us he waved and we started walking to him, when I saw the baby I smiled and kneeled in front of the stroller, “Well hello there handsome man! How did you sleep?”, he gave me a smile and I reached for his hand and presented to each his fingers which had him cackling.
I felt a hand on my back and I was surprised to see Harry standing behind me, “Good morning love, slept good?”, “Hi H, good morning; I did how about you?”, “I did”, he then reached his hand and helped me stand up.
As I straightened up his hand reached my belly and rubbed a little, we both smiled when we both felt a kick, “Before I forget, happy third trimester”, I turned to him surprised, “How did you know?”, he bashfully looked down, “My app let me know”, my heart was beating so fast when he said that.
We went for a little walk at a park nearby and I was thankful that we didn’t encounter any crazy fans, the three we did were very nice and respectful and congratulated us on the baby, we took a break midway because this mama was tired and Sarah was able to feel baby move.
When we got back we hung up for a while and Sarah, Mitch and Harry left for rehearsals while I stayed with little man for a while. After putting him down for a nap I got ready for the concert, when I was done little man woke up and I fed him one of the bottles Sarah had left me and just as we were done they arrived ready for us to go to the venue.
Harry rocked it once again, I was standing with Jeff and Tommy, I was dancing to ‘Sunflower Vol. 6’ when I felt a little dizzy and breathless, so I stopped on my tracks and took a few deep breaths, Jeff noticed, and he reached to squeeze my bicep and leaned in to talk to me
“Hey, you ok? Wanna go back?”, I turned to him and leaned in, “I’m ok, just tired, probably has to do with the third trimester”, he looked wearily at me, “Are you sure? We can go backstage”, “No it’s okay, I am feeling better”, he nodded and pulled back a little, and stood beside me.
As soon as Harry made his way backstage Jeff and I followed, there was a little commotion and when I turned to the common area Pauli and Harry were sitting on the couch receiving some oxygen, I started walking to them and kneeled next to him and grabbed his hand, “You okay?”, he squeezed and nodded his head.
Harry. Denver, Colorado. 11:15 PM
It was the second night of tour and things were only getting better, Olivia had to return to LA but Sarah and I had been able to convince Y/N to come with us and then leave for New York, this would lessen the anxiety I had about leaving them alone for a few weeks, however I was starting to regret having convinced her.
I had just left the stage and although I had used some oxygen during the set, I still needed some along with Pauli, when she appeared backstage, I felt like I could breathe a little better, however when I grabbed her hands they were trembling.
 “Do you feel okay?”, before she could speak Jeff interfered, “You did feel kinda breathless darling”, I turned to look at her and my heart fell to my stomach when I saw that she did look kind of pale. Sarah noticed it too and asked Mitch to pull a chair for her.
When she sat down the paramedic went and tended to her, “What are you feeling?”, she answered slowly, “I do feel kinda dizzy? And shaky”, the paramedic grabbed a third mask of oxygen and placed it on her face.
He then checked her blood pressure, which thankfully was normal, “Do you have your doctor’s number? I just would like to check with them if there is anything else they feel comfortable for us to do”
Y/N spoke up, “No it’s okay”, but as she was saying this I handed Jeff my phone, “Please call Betty Olson”, she looked at me surprised that I had her phone, it rang for a few before Betty answered, “Hello?”
“Hi Betty, it’s me Y/N, sorry to bother you at this hour”, “Oh hi honey, no worries it’s no bother, is everything okay?”, I spoke up, “Hi Betty it’s Harry, uhm we had a little incident, we’re in Denver, I’ll let the paramedic speak”
I passed the phone to him and since they had already removed my mask I kneeled in front of her, the paramedic stood up to speak to Betty and after thanking her he hung up, “Dr. Olson said we are doing everything right and to rest and take it easy”
We thanked him and waited for a while until she felt better, once we got the all clear we started making our way to the car, once we got in we were seated in silence before I spoke up, “At what time does your flight leave?”
She turned to look at me, “Around twelve, have to leave for the airport early”, “If it is okay with you, Jeff, Sarah and I will take you there”, she turned and gave me a smile, “It’s okay”, she then grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
When we got to the hotel we got on the elevator, we stopped on our floor and just before we arrived to our respective rooms I stopped her, “Does your room have two beds?”, she turned to look at me with a questioning look, “Yes, why?”
“Would you mind if I stay with you? I would feel more comfortable making sure you are safe”, she smiled a little, “Harry…”, I sighed and laughed a little, “I’m sorry I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable”, she reached for my hand, “Fine, we’ll have a sleeping party”, I laughed and followed her
I went to my room, changed and then returned to her room, I went to the bathroom and when I came out I saw that she had fallen asleep, before turning off the lamp I kissed her forehead and temple, when I caught a whiff of her smell lavender and honey, oh how I have missed her smell.
Wait, no. That’s wrong. I have a girlfriend, a girlfriend I deeply care for, and who is coming to see me soon. I pulled back and got into bed, I texted Olivia before falling asleep.
To Olivia Wilde (12:20 AM): Thinking of you, miss you.
September 8, 2021: Week Twenty-Seven
Denver, Colorado. 9:00 AM
We had just left the hotel and were on our way to the airport, sooner than later we had arrived, we got off and I said goodbye to Jeff then turned to Sarah, after hugging her I pulled back and wiped the tears that had fallen, “Please don’t cry, I’ll see you pretty soon”, “I know, but it feels like the last goodbye”, I knew what she meant and hugged her
“Would you do me a favor?”, she nodded, “Would you please take a Polaroid of Harry on his outfit? Please”, “Yes of course!”, I smiled and handed her the bag where I kept the camera along with the film.
I lastly turned to Harry, who hugged me and squeezed me extra tight, “Please, be safe, I cannot wait to see you guys again”, “We will, enjoy tour okay? We are okay and I will let you know if anything happens”, he squeezed me again before letting me go.
I started making my way into the terminal, but had to turn quickly and wave to them, they waved back and sent some kisses and hugs, which I returned, and started making my way to the gate; on the way back I decided to write a little on my journal.
Baby welcome to the third trimester! I cannot believe we are here! This means we are even closer to meeting you! This week you are the size of a cauliflower <3, you finally got to hear your dad perform and by the kicks you were giving us I can say that you enjoyed it! This is the outfit he was wearing, I really loved how good he looks in pink. We hen travelled with them to Colorado, your Auntie Sarah got the chance to feel you move and so did your cousin (but to be honest he is so little that I don’t think he really realized what was happening), we did have a little scare on Denver but everything worked out :) Your dad decided to wear red and blue, he looked like such a dad you wouldn’t believe! Your auntie Sarah will make sure that we have a picture of each outfit. It will be a few weeks until we see daddy again, but you don’t have to worry baby, he will always come back for you, and he will always be thinking of you, we both will always be there for you and think of you and above all, love you more than anything.
Taglist @tinydestinybear @amyleeeee @harry-is-my-sunflower @beachwoodcaferryy @dirtytissuebox @msolbesg @clarawolf22 @harrysficreblog @infinitely-yellow @cherrylovesblog @wherethehellhaveyoubeenharry @harryspirate @kaitieskidmore1 @michellekstyles @qualitygiantshoepsychic @irelilien @futuristicpalacegardenpsychic @shawnsblue @behindmygreyeyes
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seventeensbabye · 2 years
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《ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ》
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◆ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs/ɴᴏᴛᴇs: 🧸 (ɴᴏᴛ ᴘʀᴏᴏғ ʀᴇᴀᴅ!)
◆ sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ɴᴇᴡ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴏʙ ᴀɴᴅ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴅɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ, ʏᴏᴜ’ᴅ ʙᴇ ᴀ ғɪɴᴇ ᴍᴀɴs ᴀssɪsᴛᴀɴᴛ.
◆ ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 1.7ᴋ
◆ ɢᴇʀɴᴇ: ꜰʟᴜꜰꜰ, ᴊᴏʙ/ᴡᴏʀᴋ/ʙᴜsɪɴᴇss ᴀᴜ!
◆ ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: sɪᴍ ᴊᴀᴇʏᴜɴ x ʏ/ɴ (ꜰᴇᴍ)
◆ ᴍ.ʟɪsᴛ
◆:*:◇:*:◆:*:◇:*:◆:*:◇:*:◆:*:◇:*:◆ :*:◇:*:◆:*:◇
it was my first day on the job, the only person i know there is my not so close friend yuki. she was the reason why i was working here in the first place. she basically forced me to apply here. a very very busy office was the only job she suggested that i worked in. little did i know i was gonna be someones assistant. i had no idea of who the boss was because i got this job because of yuki, literally. she was the manager of the office. i sat in her office and filled out the papers while she gave me the job on the spot. It was monday, january 20th, 6:30 am, my first day working here. a desk was dedicated to me, a piece of paper taped on the computer already sat there. “ over here! ” yuki yelled waving her hand. I walked over to my desk and bowed to her. “ you don't have to bow to me, im not a old lady. plus we’re friends. ” she ran to her desk and grabbed a cup of coffee and a donut. “ here, get settled in, you wont really see the boss so you don't have anything to worry about if you make mistakes, he does come stop by every month one the first or the second, so just prepare for that. if you have any questions, dont be afraid to ask me. ” he handed me the coffee and the donut and i sat it on my desk. “ okay, thank you. ” i put my stuff down and started to settle in. fixing my desk and setting it up the way i’d like. the day went by like a breeze, i had little to no work, i didnt mess anything up, i actually enjoyed the job.
It was now 5pm, i worked a full 11 hours and didnt notice. when i got home i was honestly drained though. it was hot and i was starving. i walked in taking off my shoes and after walking to the kitchen. i grabbed a bowl of ramen, filled it with water and threw it in the microwave. i took off my jacket and walked to the living room throwing myself on the couch. i pulled out my phone from my back pocket. it was a text, a text from yuki.
“ yn. our boss is coming on the 31st so be ready, he said he’ll be staying in the office from here on out. ”
“ why so suddenly? ”
“ i dont know but dont be worried, he can be really mean but i dont believe he’ll be mean to you. also dont stare at him to much, he might stare at you but look this man is extremely good looking so be honored when he looks at you, unless you did something wrong.. ”
“ extremely good-looking huh? okay, we’ll see. ”
i put down my phone as i heard the microwave go off. i got up to walk to the kitchen. taking out the noodles and prepping them before i ate. ending off the night after a nice shower and a good t.v series, falling asleep by 9:30. waking up at 5:30 am, giving me just enough time to get ready and head to work. it was cloudy, lightly sprinkling when i woke. i got up and got in the shower, after doing my morning routine before heading out. it was 6 now, i got in my car and drove to work making it there by 6:25. luckily it was raining so i didnt have to wear a skirt. i had on a not-so tight black long sleeve, khakis, a tan long coat on, and black boots. allowing myself to be comfortable. i walked into the building and headed to my office space. sitting down, yuki, the super-energetic early bird comes to my desk to again, drop off some coffee and a bagel. as the week went on it was the same as always. until it was january 31st, 6:25 am, completely forgetting about our boss coming in. as i walked into the building it was a little more hectic. everyone was actually working. i sat at my desk and yuki came over with just a coffee in her hand sitting it on my desk. “ i see everyones working today, what so important? ” i was honestly clueless and she continued to let me be clueless. “ nothing, dont worry about it, i have some files you need to sort out and put into the system. ” i did so thinking nothing of it. i made a few mistakes which nobody noticed. about 4 hours in everyone when quiet. someone walked in as the loud doors behind them slammed shut. it was him, my boss. everyone trying to keep their eyes off of him. pretending to be focused on work but in reality they were focused on him. he walked slowly past
everyone eyeing them down as they “worked”. later walking past me, stopping directly next to my desk. i looked up at him, a little worried but that worried feeling went away while i was focused on his face. he pointed at me making me worry once more. “ oh yeah, thats kim y/n. she’s new here. ” yuki stated. he raised his brow and walked into his office. after i watched the door close i got up and walked over to yuki. “ what was that about? did i do something wrong? ” she shook her head. “ no not at all, he just knows everyone in the office since we’ve all worked here for a while and he just wanted to know who you were. ” nodding awkwardly i walked back to my desk and sat down to continue doing work. the day ended off well, he never came out of his office the whole time he was there so i had nothing to worry about. its february 12th now and i’ve been working here for a couple of weeks. i enjoy the job even though these tight skirts and 5 inch heels are killing me. i haven’t personally spoken to the boss at all since he’s been here, i want to though like this man is insanely handsome. it was 4:30 pm and i have been working the whole day without problems.
“ y/n, mr. sim wants the talk to you. ” oh fuck. i slowly got up from my desk and started to walk over to his room, all i could think of was what i could’ve possibly done wrong. when i made it to the door i knocked gently before opening it and walking in. i was shaking. i didn’t know what to say. i looked around avoiding eye contact. “ you called sir? ” he nodded, pointing at the chair in front of his desk. i walked over to the chair and sat down. he grabbed a pen from the white small mug on his desk and a tiny notebook from inside his bag, handing both the pen and notebook to me. “ may i ask.. what is this for? ” he looked up at me. “ you’re my assistant now so i need you to know everything i need you to do, plus if i ask you to do something or take note of something you’ll use the pen and notebook. ” his voice was so stern and scary. “ do you understand? ” again stern and scary. “ y-yes.. ” he sighed. “ well i need you to write something down for me. ” i nodded, opening the notebook. “ i like a quick and simple breakfast so a glazed donut and a medium ice vanilla coffee would be nice, also as you can see i’ve been earlier than usual so you’ll have to beat me here. 5:45 is when you should be here with both my donut and coffee, okay? ”
i took note of everything. “ okay. ” it got quiet for a second. “ is that all sir? ” i said quietly. “ should i ask for more? yes, thats all you can go now. ” why was he so strict? it was horrifying. i got up out of the seat, walking over to the door. “ its y/n, right? ” he said projecting his voice just a little. i put my hand on the doorknob before responding. “ yea-, i mean, yes sir. ”
no more than 10 seconds later, he was focused on his work as if we never spoke. i walked out of his office and softly closed the door behind me. walking back to my desk all eyes were on me. “ nobody wants to speak up so i’ll ask. what did he say? ” yuki asked. “ im his assistant. ” everyone looked bothered. “ no offense but why you? you’re new here. ” a unknown voice came from behind me. i shugged because I dont have a answer. “ i dont know.. ” the person with the unknown voice walked up to me. it was a girl, her name was jennifer, jennifer huh to be exact. i’ve always seen her around but looking at her made me think she was the supervisor or something. “ i just dont know what he sees in you, he’s known all of us for years and i was his assistant last so im confused on why he chose you and you’re new. ” yuki stepped behind me. “ i knew it was a good thing hiring her, maybe he just wants to make sure she’s the dedicated to the job jen. ” crossing her arms, she sighed and walked away. “ dont mind her she’s just always been his assistant more or less so she feels some kind of way. but you should get ready to clock out before you get in trouble. ” nodding, i walked to my desk and started to pack up. i finished packing up and clocked out. it was 5:00 pm. i was done with work for today.
i was heading to my car before i was stopped by a voice, a womans voice. again jennifer's voice. “ y/n! ” it stopped walking as she stormed over to me. “ keep your hands off of jaeyun, okay? ” i was confused. “ im shocked that you came out here to tell me that but i had no intentions on touching him. ” she rolled her eyes. “ mhm, whatever. just dont touch him. seriously. ” she stormed off and headed back into the building. i got into my car and drove home.
this has been one of the most weird days of my life.
ᴇɴᴅ. @seventeensbabye
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hospitalterrorizer · 29 days
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diary166
2/27-28/2024
tuesday - wednesday
sooo tired.
i'll keep work related stuff short, i got sent in early, i was there from 3:00 to 9:57. i did take a 30 minute break though, but i didn't eat or anything. i woke up at about 11 am, so i didn't eat from then to about 11 pm. i also got complained about at work, because a woman thought i made her pay for a ride and her kids weren't able to get on or something and then like, used her credits to let people on or something, or that i was letting people on for free at some point. i don't remember anything like that happening, i think i just said no to her and she had to throw a fit.
anyway the problem song from last night is still a problem i think. some stuff needs to be fixed so i'm gonna do that. i'm also making toast. i did make actual dinner too but i am just sooo hungry lol.
the song is getting there. i just read an article about disney adults, and it's made me powerfully sad. not much else to say beyond that.
now i'm listening to built to spill, it's been a while, as a kid they were a favorite, or since being a kid, they've been a favorite. this time around, nothing's really changing there. but the memories are less about when i saw them as a kid, and more about my more recent brushes with them, i got to see them live a few years ago, and it was a really great concert, it was lovely to see doug up there playing songs off keep it like a secret. but the memories are specifically about this guy i saw there, unexpectedly, a very online guy i met in a class, about american short stories. the class was good, and i sat by this guy, and i really liked him. not romantically, i just found him charming in an earnest way, i wish we talked more, i wish we saw eachother more, he liked my 100% electronica shirt, he was very nice. when i saw him at the built to spill show, he was really feeling the music, when i told him i never really listened to keep it like a secret he said "well, you're gonna love this, this is the good stuff." and i saw him, during keep it like a secret, mouthing every word, fist in the air, eyes closed. it was religious for him, this memory of him, of chad, his name is chad, really moves me, his existence came off as very vulnerable, to be chad was to be vulnerable, i felt like, i dunno. he seemed very neurotic i suppose. or maybe not very, but he seemed sad in evident ways, he really moved me i guess. i dunno. men like that always do. it's people who seem to be horrifically sad, and people who i seem to be incapable of really getting to know, that linger in my mind, but never remain in my life. i guess now it's this sense that i'd like to staunch the misery by being his friend, up to now, but i'm bad at talking to people. i still need to talk to my mom.
for a while, on twitter, he'd sometimes interact with posts, and i'd interact with his. i liked that, it's sad too though, i wish we all had an easier time of being in each others lives.
the song does sound better now, at least. i feel so emotionally fried today. long hours really mess me up. it doesn't seem sustainable. i have to do it again today. maybe i need to do something to make that less, uhhhhh, likely, to happen to me, i guess. but idk what to really do. if i just say i can't work (x) days they might like, give me fucked up stupid shifts or something. guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this is the thing i hate, feeling my life taken away. i feel like a dumb stupid animal and like all that's waiting for me if i move an inch is punishment via stick on my stupid tiny skull and my brains splattering across everythingggggggggggggggg. or maybe just the back of a dryer, and my remains going unremoved, cooking off the heat of the dryer.
i feel like crying. dumb.
something bothers me about people being compliant, i guess, with that. but that's stupid, i shouldn't care, i just really hate knowing of people who are like workaholics basically, like they love it, that's like, disgusting to me almost. it's one person i'm thinking of, maybe that makes it okay, because i'm not even thinking of a type. i'm thinking of one human who bothers me. i'm just dumb and confused right now. i want to put my head underneath something super heavy.
youtube
youtube
unrelated to wanting to destroyyy myself, i think the song above has one of the most perfect snare sounds ever. the snare rolls are so violent, and still it's like, cute, too. it's perfect, as a sound. i wanna find something near that, and make grindcore with it, soon. maybe for the next ep, i'll evolve this drumkit in that direction, nail the snare sound.
3 am ughghhghg. i am gonna work out and try to feel better.
i worked out, and i think i've got this song right, for real this timeee. yayyyyyyyyyyy.
so, i should sleep now,
byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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omgkalyppso · 7 months
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30 Character Questions for Étoile
sourced from here
1. When they tap their fingers do they use the pads of their fingers or their nails?
Their fingers. They would keep their nails too short.
2. What textures can they absolutely not stand?
Fish scales.
3. How long can they go without showering before they feel gross?
If they've experienced combat / got blood on them then 1 day. Otherwise 3-4 days. If Shadowheart has no spell slots for Create Water left in the Underdark, Étoile is inconsolable.
4. Do they leave clothes on the floor or a chair?
On a chair. Definitely would ascribe to the ideology that some clothing can be reworn.
5. Do they sleep with the bedroom door open or closed?
Closed. They lived in a small house with their mothers as a child and needed their privacy (just as their mothers did).
6. Which do they prefer: 3am or 3pm?
3 PM. Étoile would have such a hard time transitioning to sleeping during the day for the sake of vampire social participation. They'd definitely prefer to be sleeping at 3 AM.
7. If they suddenly woke up with animal ears and tails what animal would they be?
Poor Étoile. I feel it's very "typical" to say wolf, but I'm committing to how I associate them with wolves because of their werewolf mother.
8. If they could only eat one thing for 20 days straight what would it be?
Some kind of stew with potatoes / root vegetables and tomatoes and some kind of chunked meat: beef, boar, moose? Hopefully someone more adept at spices and cooking times prepared it for them.
9. Are they the type to re-read a book?
Yes. Étoile would have a general academic approach to reading, rather than leisurely, and would reread to encourage themself to memorize information and consider parables and fables and history from many angles.
10. Would they want to know the exact date and time of their death?
Absolutely not. This would drive them insane.
11. What’s their favourite mythological creature?
If they're sucking up to mom, it's a werewolf. Otherwise I think the symbolism of a pheonix would appeal to them.
12. If they had to listen to one song on repeat 100+ times what would it be?
The real answer to this question is a bg3 spoiler. The modern setting answer to this question is Short Memory by Evgeny Grinko:
youtube
13. Do they believe in an afterlife?
Adamantly.
14. When they get tired do their eyelids twitch?
No, not really.
15. What are their favourite textures?
Fur, leather, long hair.
16. Do they crack their joints?
Not intentionally, I think Étoile would have been taught it's bad manners and bad for their joints, so when it happens accidentally they feel especially guilty when it makes a joint feel better.
17. Would they eat/drink something too hot or wait for it to cool?
Oh, they absolutely eat/drink things too hot. Eager for the taste or the experience. Afraid something will happen to tear them away from their meal or drink if they wait for it to cool.
18. Are they the type to adopt strays? (Animals or people)
ksdfjgklsjdfhgk Yes.
19. Do they get work done straight away or wait until the last moment?
They start it straight away but it always takes until the last moment.
20. How do they bathe/shower? Long or short? Hot or cold?
In their primary setting it would either be a bucket of cold water / a river and a soapy rag, or a long hot bath. I think mostly the same in a modern setting: long cold showers more frequently, and long hot baths on occasion.
21. Are they the type to daydream?
Yes. It helps them worry.
22. Do they work best in a messy space or a neat space?
Neat. Étoile would generally keep a clean space and help their friends to do the same.
23. Do they keep any personal photos?
Ough. I hadn't previously thought of Étoile having a poor sketch of their mothers in their possession, but now I think it's the only think they hoped someone saved of their belongings left in Baldur's Gate.
Modern setting Étoile would definitely keep personal photos.
24. Do they indulge in anything?
Alcohol, but not frequently enough that it's a vice.
25. Would they do the exact opposite of what someone says just to spite them?
No. They might do this sometimes, but never just to spite a person's statement of the thing.
26. If they’re alone and hear a noise would they go and investigate?
Yes. Can't be too careful.
27. If they’re lost what is the first thing they would do?
Look for the sky, and where the sun is, or the stars. Try and figure out north.
28. What is that one dream that makes no sense but is absolutely terrifying?
Étoile would not enjoy any dreams.
29. What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done just because someone said they couldn’t?
I don't think Étoile often rises to bait like this. The stupidest thing they've ever done though? That's spoilers. fdghdfgh
30. Are they stoic or melodramatic about being injured?
More stoic than melodramatic, but not unerringly. They'll hiss and scream and cry about their pain if it's significant enough.
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whentherewerebicycles · 9 months
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good morning woke up at 4:45am and couldn’t fall back asleep—my stomach gets very unhappy around eight or nine pm and is still unsettled most mornings. I keep going back and forth on whether I actually think I’m pregnant in a way that matters. Liz points out that I just am pregnant so it makes no sense to speculate about whether I am pregnant or not, but I guess what I mean is just, is that teeny tiny clump of cells still busily dividing & growing in there or have operations paused indefinitely and I’m just waiting to find that out. it’s interesting to hold two conflicting data points in my mind: the first indicating that All Is Really Not Well, the second indicating that all is quite well and moving along on schedule. and by interesting I mean it’s driving me a little nuts. this entire year has been a protracted lesson in waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting for my body to decide to do something or not do it, on a level that I can exert no influence over whatsoever. possibly I am supposed to learn something from this but mostly I’m just a little on edge all the time, waiting and waiting and waiting, ferociously impatient and hungry for control.
we took a very long beautiful walk yesterday in the afternoon and cooked another delicious feast last night. today I have only one meeting at work and a few small tasks to do, but I’m giving myself permission to take things pretty easy again today. next week will be busy busy busy. umm I guess the structured part of the day just looks like this:
5-6:30 coffee, read, empty dishwasher
6:30-8 eat breakfast, start laundry, read
8-9 shower, get ready, switch laundry and start a second load, tidy the house a bit
9-10 email KW, email CB, idk do other small work tasks as needed
10-11 KA mtg about faculty development
then after that I have nothing else officially on the docket, although I will probably try to keep busy until 1 or so. Liz and I might take the paddleboard out on the lake tbd and also we are picking Alex up at the airport around 7:30 but other than that the day is wide open. I think tomorrow will go by fairly quickly (they are doing apartment hunting all morning and early afternoon, and I will either tag along or kill time at home, and then we are all getting dinner with my sister), and then we will probably binge many episodes of the bear, and then it will be sunday and I will get good news or bad news, no way of telling, but at least I will be moving forward.
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genericaccount · 6 months
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sometimes I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat in a day and how that effects ADHD medication and overall mood-emotion-feeling
I haven't eaten at all today which is terrible, I know, but I kept forgetting or telling myself I had to do X, Y, Z first or I had to be up/dressed/teeth brushed first or I would realize I'd waited too long then wanted to have lunch instead of breakfast but then tell myself it would be better to have lunch at X time or after X task.
I know I'm not avoiding eating (although really bad dry mouth symptom from current mystery illness does put me off food) and I know its not because I'm trying to "prove" I don't have to eat/rely on eating (that's a whole other odd past story) but I keep getting stuck in my own bad habit cycle? Like I can't break my own rountine (ex. I have to X before Y) which then has gotten me stuck in this "anti-routine" of waking up before 9-9:30 (this is good, this took me a while) but still end up stuck lying in bed, usually on my phone, till 11-12-or almost 2pm
Sure, time blindness doesn't help, but I know how much Better I feel when I have to be somewhere in the morning and it forces me to be up & dress & (ideally) had breakfast and Outside
More than half the time I usually end up wandering around and have these weird little "oh yeah its kinda nice leaving the house" moments that I ignore/forget later (And yeah going outside in the city means spending money which I really should not be doing right now but)
And yet here I am still internally and quietly telling myself that if I just had the "Perfect Morning Rountine" (because of course its all-or-nothing thinking) that everything would fall into place and I'll feel better (Not in the sense it would solve all problems, I'm still anxious about a work meeting and about a uncomfortable possibly ending friendship situation) But that I will feel more me - more human - like when you finally take a shower that you know you should've taken already and how Clean and Scrubbed you feel after in a very good and minituate rebirth kind of way
But I know logically that it doesn't work that way, not with ADHD and chronic illness and a deficient in self confidence and in accidental social semi-isolation. That my psychiatrist is right when she says that the intial steps are important, like with finally establishing a mostly sucessful wake up time and that maybe I need to find a way to comfortably leave the house that doesn't involve showering so I can fix my hair (wave-curl 2b-2c-3a ish that feels much more unmanageable than it used to be). I used to be comfortable with how I looked, and how I looked when I woke up, but now? I feel ugly. I do. I know I'm exagerating this in my mind and my own perception but yesterday I realized: I hadn't taken a picture of myself in almost a year, I now struggle to put outfits together because I've barely left the house since April so I keep wearing "home clothes", I can see how my eyes are more droopy and sad looking (partially assume its related to consistent lack of enough sleep) and that I hate how I look in photos other people take of me because I no longer know how to smile in pictures without thinking I look sad in every picture.
I know I'm not this person, heck I've managed to do/achieve some pretty cool things and I'm about to start a new path for one of them (its not quite what I was hoping for but it should help me get to where I want to be in a year). I used to be so creative, I used to be more interested in writing and art and just creating. I feel like I've slipped into this near-ghost of myself.
I wish I could say its all social media's fault. That I spent and maybe wasted too many hours on doomscrolling in various apps. But though that is true, I know its not the cause. A distraction, maybe. A draw away from creating rather than consuming, sure. I don't simply "blame myself" (though negative thinking sure tries to) but its not that I'm folding in on myself, but I find myself more often slipping into wanting to exist in couch-tv-vegetable state, wanting to simply zone out to a myriad of media.
Maybe this has all been cumalative burn out? I don't know.
But I'm tired of feeling like this, I say for the thousandth time, I want to start moving forward again. I still don't think this is depression, it feels too other and I don't feel like I'm numb or sinking or any of the ways I hear it described. I think I just feel stuck.
I guess I'll see how tomorrow morning goes.
I'm going to go take a shower.
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dzpenumbra · 10 months
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5/27/23
I'm officially angry with my upstairs neighbors. And I honestly don't know what to do about it.
I got to sleep around 6 or 7 AM. I was woken up at fucking 9. Some kind of hammering or pounding on the wall right next to my bed, on the floor above me. It went on for like 30 minutes, at least. Long enough for me to give up on falling back asleep. Then I got sucked into an internet black hole for like 2 hours... then I went downstairs, made some cereal and ate it while watching skate videos. Then I got ready to go back to sleep, and picked out a binaural beat thing because that actually does help me fall asleep really well, especially for daytime naps, which I've always struggled with. The second I put the video on... they started pounding again. Not even exaggerating, it's fucking comical. I had to straight-up restrain myself from yelling. Really really bad fucking timing. And I could hear it plain as day with the noise cancelling and the audio in the headphones too. After a bit, they stopped long enough for me to fall asleep.
I shit you not... get ready for this... I woke up at like 3:30... on a Friday afternoon... to the sounds of them screaming while having sex. So loud that I could hear it over the noise cancelling, so loud that it fucking woke me up.
And... I'm just gonna get personal here, because... that's what journals do... I have some sexual-related traumas, and I have PTSD. And... though it's definitely not the dominant theme of my PTSD shit, it definitely sets off some really difficult shit for me. So... sex-related things can be a bit complicated for me, and waking up to that... it's really hard to put into words how unsettling that is. And, honestly... now that I'm thinking about it... I really feel for anyone who has young kids who lives in my apartment building. Like... that would be really fucked up for a young kid to hear that at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon.
And I'm once again in this position where... I'm getting thousands of reflexes pushing back against me right now. Years of training. "Do not complain. Do not be an asshole about this. Don't be that guy." Saying "something you're doing is causing severe disruption to my daily life" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't vacuum at 4 AM the day before Easter" is me being an asshole. Saying "please let me know before you do building maintenance on an adjacent wall, especially in the AM hours" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't hammer on the walls at 9AM on a Friday morning" is me being an asshole. Me saying "please don't blast action movies 6 feet above my bed at 10 AM when I go to bed at 5" is me being not just an asshole, but a dysfunctional member of society on a backwards life schedule. This is the narrative that has been trained into my head, and reinforced over the course of years... possibly my entire life. Likely my entire life.
I just...suck it up. And on good months, I find some way to... tap into compassion. Like my sloppy reflexive take on the Buddhist monk approach. "They have a right to their lives too." "They don't know they're upsetting me." "I can just sleep later." "I'm the one with the weird schedule that I can't fix."
I dealt with this same shit at my last house with my landlord fucking mowing my lawn outside my window, like literally a foot away from my head... twice a week... starting as soon as fucking possible. He mowed that grass so fucking much that it was all dirt in the corners around the fence from him over-mowing. And I told my landlords multiple times "I work nights, I sleep in, please mow the lawn after noon." But it was nearly always around 10 or 11, and never on predictable days... just whenever the dude felt like it. And it would take all day. And it would rile my dog up and get her barking, so I'd have to chill her out and hang out with her, on like 5 hours of sleep... and that just became my life until the snow started falling again. I even offered to mow the entire lawn for them - they were retired and lived in a building on the same property - if they gave me a little deal on my rent, and they flat-out refused to even talk about it.
I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like sleep disturbance is probably the most significant factor in my difficulty functioning in society and my difficulty in managing my mental health. And... I'm writing this at 4:30 AM.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I love the peace of these hours so much. I love the creative flow I get at this time. Plus... I just keep gravitating back to this schedule. I can't fucking help it, it just keeps happening. And it's been happening for like... half my life. What the fuck do I do about it? Do I write an email to my building manager, ask for a meeting and just chat with her about the problems I'm having and see what she suggests? Do I try to find out what room is right above me and leave them a note saying, "Hi, I live below you, you have really loud sex and I can hear all the screams and (no offense) I really don't want to hear that. I also would really appreciate it if you could keep it down a little bit in the AM hours, because I work nights. I'm assuming you don't know how loud you are because you don't have an upstairs neighbor, it's not the end of the world, but it's fucking with my sleep a lot so... if you don't mind keeping it down a bit I'd really appreciate it." Do I go with my plan of playing recordings of babies crying through a bluetooth speaker pressed directly against their floor while they're having sex? Do I find those noise machines that make annoying sounds that only young people can hear, and play that when they're making noise in the morning until they leave? I just... I don't know what to do.
I mentioned in therapy about my brainstorming on this here a few days ago. I struggle confronting people. Because it has gone so fucking horribly, traumatically wrong for me, so often. And not by fault of my own, by the way. That's the fucked up part that I'm really starting to wake up to.
God, okay... let's go down this memory road, because it's a super important one for me to remember. I was at the retreat place... trying to get off of meds that I was stuck on for what ended up being mental health misdiagnoses... living with about 10 people in their very early 20's. We were at a workshop with the eccentric founder, who was also the head of the Psych department at a local university. She was actually pretty cool, just... pretty out of touch with people like me, struggled to relate and communicate with me. She was running a workshop she called "The Shame Game"... where we all go around the circle and write a moment when we felt most ashamed, then we share it with the group, and hear what others think of it. I think it's a genius idea, and the fact that I'm referring back to it years later is pretty clear proof that it really is helpful for the right people. But it's a big step for people who aren't really... there yet.
For me, I wrote a moment that - at the time - happened pretty recently. This is probably not going to make any sense when I tell it, but I swear it's exactly how it went down. Let me get some ice cream first, so I can get through this, this one's a bit rough for me.
Alright, so it was Summer 2019 and I was well into my return to smoking weed and reconnecting with being an artist after my breakup and first experiences with death. I had been going out to the stream on my property every day with my dog, rearranging rocks to make the stream into a sculpted Zen Garden. I saw a standing dead tree trunk out there, about 4 feet tall. I was inspired to chop it down and make a bench out of it. I had no idea how, I was just going to figure it out as I went along. I called up my mom and floated the idea, because my hatchet and axe were over in her garage - along with the majority of my possessions. See... I used to live above that garage for about... 7 years? And I was assured that it was okay for me to move in at my own pace, and having my stuff there wasn't a problem. I felt some pushback from her on the tree trunk idea, and I have no idea... why? Or... why that was really any of her business? Like... I wasn't asking her permission, I was sharing an idea hoping for something like "wow, that's a cool idea" and just like... being respectful to let her know that I was planning on coming over (I lived 5 miles away) and getting my shit from her property, so she wasn't caught off-guard. I don't remember that conversation going poorly, but in the years since, she recalled it as very clearly telling me "no". ... As though she... has a right to keep my personal possessions away from me... her (at the time) 32 year old son... because she thinks I'm having a mental breakdown or something? That was the fucking paranoid narrative going around in that house. All because I was smoking pot and grieving a lot of losses alone, and reconnecting with art and spirituality.
But I digress... I... thought we were on good terms. I remember clearly, I was wearing a bandana and sunglasses, a white wife-beater with a big rainbow peace sign from the band Parkway Drive, camo shorts, barefoot. And I had my dog with me, with her bandana on as well. I got her in the car and we went over to get either the axe that I had used to hand-chop down a tree on my parents' property years prior... or my hatchet that I had since Junior year of high school. The hatchet I took on my 3-day thru-hike with me. The hatchet that had a ton of sentimental value to me. I pull in the driveway and my dog has her head out the window, because you know... she's a dog... And my parents are on the front porch. My mom's dog comes charging across the driveway at my parked car and the dogs start barking at each other. Her dog started to jump up on my car. See, despite these two dogs being around the same age, and very similar personalities... my mom outright aggressively refused to introduce the two. Despite my poor girl not having any dog friends, and being super sweet and social. And my mom's dog was a really nice girl too, who also had no friends. But my mom was fed some weird rhetoric like 20+ years ago that female dogs will fight to the death? And you never have female dogs around each other. And... I tried to disprove this to my mom. I tried to show her examples. My girl's first best friend was a big 2 year old mutt named Luna, they were wild, they played rough, but they would like... cuddle up together. There was never aggression, they were always overjoyed to see each other.
So... I'm guessing that panic primed the interaction. My mom came racing off the porch. I had already pulled her dog away from my car and closed the window on that side. There was no issue at all with the dogs and I took care of it swiftly and without incident. My mom starts freaking out on me. She started acting like I had done something wrong. Which, I'm now realizing like 4 years later is like... blatant reflexive gaslighting. Like, obvious. She's ashamed of how her dog reacted, so she makes me the bad guy. But that shit... it escalated quickly. And it got even worse when my dad came over and backed her up. I'm standing in her driveway, barefoot, and they're just like "what do you want? why are you here?" And I keep repeating, "I'm just here for my axe and my hatchet. I told you I was coming over. Are they in the garage? Are they in the barn?" And my mom starts telling me I can't have them. I remind her that they are my property... and she is simply storing them... and she can't really like... tell me I can't have access to my own tools... She doubles down. This escalated to them threatening to call the cops on me for trespassing if I didn't leave. And I still don't even fucking know why. Like... it's got to be panic. It's still so surreal looking back and going... "yeah, that actually happened."
They freaked out and went inside. I gave up on the axe and went into the garage and looked around for my hatchet in the last spot I remember it being. I couldn't find it. In fact, the area where all the tools had been was just... gone. I went upstairs where all my shit was stored and... it was a fucking warzone. She had gotten construction done on that building while all my shit was still there. There was drywall dust and spackle and paint and shit all over my stuff. My fucking college degree was bent and covered in drywall dust. I took fucking photos, it was so appalling that I was worried I might need them for a court case or something. Half of my tattooing supplies were ruined. I told my mom I was using this opportunity (since I was there) to organize my shit and get it the hell out of there ASAP. That if she was going to try to control and regulate my access to my own fucking possessions? And after seeing how horribly my shit was treated? I was getting my shit out of there as quickly as possible. And as I sorted important stuff very quickly, still in my search for the hatchet... I found some sentimental stuff from the past. And I... like a fucking crow with an abusive owner or something... brought sentimental things over to her back door and left them outside, as an offering. A reminder of who the person she was treating like this really was. Trying to elicit any fucking conscience or soul I could, through memory, to snap her the fuck out of whatever was going on. And... that was when I had the moment that... was my shame. Yes, I actually do remember why I was telling this story! XD The Shame Game...
I had the pile of offerings by the door. And my mom came over to the glass door and yelled at me to leave. And I tried one last time to beg her to reconsider. And my dad came over and backed her up. And she threatened to call the cops on me again. And I offered to do it for her. I offered to fucking do it for her. And I pulled out my phone and had the police station number stored in my phone and scrolled the phonebook to that number and had no fucking hesitation to do it if they threatened again. And... honestly? Maybe I should've called. Maybe I should've had a witness to that shit, and they'd have to explain how they were trying to call the cops on their 30 year old hippie son for "trespassing" when trying to reclaim tools for an art project. When he's a fucking artist, with a mangled degree in art.
I just want to note, for myself... I am trembling right now. It's not me being cold, it's not me being overtired... though those are factors... it's me reliving abuse. And it sucks. It's a unique feeling. Shaky, trembly, weak, tense. Yeah. Sucks.
But we're not quite to the part I was telling this whole story for yet. So... I didn't call the cops. And... my little brother appears behind my parents. And starts screaming at me to get off their property. I can see it in my head like a fucking nightmare, so vivid. The three of them silhouetted behind the glass door, screaming at me like chimpanzees behind the glass in a zoo exhibit. Very primal. And I... I broke. And I spat on the fucking glass, left the offerings for nature to take them, got whatever I could salvage and left.
And that was my shame. That I spat on the glass. That I let all three of them break me. I had a moment of weakness, and I did something petty. Out of aggression. Out of spite. Out of retaliation. And I'm better than that. I'm fucking better than that.
Can you see how strongly I feel about this?
But the point of all this was... when I told that story to my group... not only was there not a single jaw that hadn't hit the fucking floor... but people in the group were actually a bit upset with me because... because of how tame that was. Because no one could actually see themselves reacting that tamely in that situation. Like 10 people, all from different backgrounds, some very passive personalities, some more outburst-y... all unanimous that... I really didn't need to carry that shame.
But I do. And it showed me just how fucking important perspective can be. Especially for someone who grew up in or has spent a substantial amount of time in a manipulative, controlling and/or abusive environment.
So... now that you know that story... a little taste of my upbringing... Now you know what my brain thinks it's going to get as a reaction to spitting on a window and storming off. Imagine what my brain thinks is going to happen with... direct confrontation with a stranger.
You ready for a fucked up formula? The PTSD spiral? My trauma is set off by these people fucking up my sleep. And it gets to the point of crippling my entire life if left unchecked. How do I address it? Communication, right? Which... in this case... is almost exclusively confrontation. Confronting disruptive behaviors. And my ability to confront... is affected by how severely agitated my PTSD is. So... the more I need to confront people, the more my primal threat detection systems shut me down, the more I self-sabotage and find ways to talk myself out of confrontation. To protect me from blame, to protect me from shame, to protect me from harm. Be it physical (threat to housing stability, living near a known enemy), psychological (the way I think) or spiritual (the way I feel). My survival instincts will very quickly start to paint any narrative they can to keep me from confronting others and thus putting myself in harm's way - and lucky me... I've been fed plenty of easily believable self-protective (self-blaming/self-destructive) narratives my entire life, taught to me by my gaslighting family and toxic past relationships.
<heavy sigh>
Welp... it's 5:30 now. XD
It's exhausting living like this. And, in a fucking weird way... I envy the people who live above me. How simple and carefree their life must be!
But I have to remember... as much pain as I've suffered, as much as I have never deserved any of what I've been through. I've grown so much because of it. I am so fucking strong because of it. In so many ways, I am not a victim any more. I am a survivor. And though the war may be over... for now... I still carry habits, and I need to learn how to navigate things like this. Specifically confrontation and setting boundaries. And the only way to learn is to practice.
I'm just upset that I've been begging for help with this for years... just someone to go with me and hold my hand, or proofread shit, or something. And... that person just doesn't exist. And I don't think I've ever met anyone (except maybe my little brother) who needs help with that more than me.
Alright, enough of that for now. That was very intense.
I spent a huge chunk of the evening inking the skull. It looks so fucking cool. I know I had my doubts and shit, I always do... but... this is really sick. I, with my obsession for clean forms and details, decided to start inking with a wooden skewer instead of my tiny detail paintbrush. It allowed me more precision. So I spent most of the night dipping a wooden kebab skewer into Kuro Sumi outlining ink and inking an abstract design onto a goat skull. And the ink from last night did not bleed or smudge. It dried on it really well, actually. So I went buck wild with it, and I got... probably 2/3 of the abstract design that I penciled done. The ink flows incredibly well on bone, it's hard to really explain. I'm glad I polished it first. It feels like plastic, very smooth application which lets you make really smooth lines and fill areas really quickly. But unlike plastic, it's naturally porous, so a lot of the ink actually does subtle absorb into the bone. I enjoyed the process and look forward to working on it tomorrow! I'll most likely share the final product on here.
Since it's already 5:30, let's just go whole hog tonight and do tarot too. Fuck it. It's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow, and there's like an 80% chance I'm just going to be woken up in a few hours anyway. Same spread as always.
First Position - Past - Two of Wands (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Swords, inverted (Intellect, apply logic and reason, Clarity and focus of mind.) Third Position - Future - I: The Magician (Balance between conscious and subconscious, unity between spirit and matter.  Indicates a period of ability to manifest will.)
Alright. So we're starting with a period from my past... a thread that originates in my ambition, determination and planning. This led to... present situations where logic and reason are actually causing dysfunction. Or... something's out of whack with my clarity and focus? Like my plans aren't coming to fruition because of a disruption in the Ace of Swords symbol in the Present. And... if that thread continues... there will continue to be a disruption in my equilibrium as a well-balanced person. Disrupting my ability to become the ideal version of what I strive to be.
I mean... it's a pretty simple message, really, right? My planning... through the lens of skewed focus and logic... leads to me not being able to manifest great things. And that logic skew is mostly surrounding shitty experiences and false lessons taught to me. Like some of the shit I talked about tonight. And... I'm actively working on that. So, that's good!
Cool, welp, that makes sense. Alright. Off to bed for me. Wish me luck. I'm bringing the headphones upstairs with me this time. Maybe when those fuckers inevitably make noise, I can just pop the earbuds in and roll over. Fingers crossed.
But on a brighter closing note? The skull is coming along really well. I'm excited to share progress once I get to a comfortable stopping place.
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thedroneicles · 9 months
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24 Hour ban from Technology
6:30am, I woke up, had my cup of coffee, and proceeded to hit the gym bright and early. First, I am never at the gym this early, but I decided to switch my day up considering I was trying something new (not technology).
8:00am, I get home, shower, and change, eat breakfast, and do some light book reading. A book that I haven’t finished in like 3 months.
9:30am, after I settled in, I took my dogs for a walk at the dog beach. I decided to take the day off work as I knew that going into work, I had to use technology, so I wanted to make sure that I was doing this experiment correctly with no distractions.
11:45 after spending an hour at the dog beach and playing with my dogs, I decided to have lunch with a friend. I called him and told him to meet me at 12:30 at a place in Huntington Beach, California so that we can catch up and grab some lunch. Told him about my experiment about not using my phone and social media and he agreed to do the same during our lunch hour.
1:45 Around this time, we finished lunch, had a great conversation about life, business goals, family and it was great that both of us were not totally distracted by our phones during that time. We were able to really get into our conversation.
2:30, I decided to take my dogs home, since they had lunch with us, and hit up a local batting cage and take a few swings on some softballs.
4:00, I drove to the grocery store as I wanted to make dinner. I specially made a Peruvian dish that I have been wanting to try for years. It was called Lomo Saltado. I am not Peruvian, but I love their food.
5:30 I start making dinner for my wife and me. As I was cooking, I remembered I had an old radio that I had kept stored that I decided would not interfere with my technology as it only used antenna and had like 4 basic radio stations.
7:30 we eat dinner, I talk to my wife about my day, what I liked about not using my phone and the pros and cons of this experiment.
9:00 we finish dinner, we clean, and get ready for bed. I shower and relax and call it a night.
To be honest, the whole experience was an eye opener for me. I understood that my life can live without the use of technology. I was able to get out in the open and experience the world without my face being on my phone all day. The cons, unfortunately, is that I go to school online and my job is a tech business working with websites, so having to stray away from technology in total would not be possible at all for me. I will continue to monitor my time spent away from my phone in the mornings and right before bed as I think those benefits will outweigh the negatives. Not to say that I cannot be focused with technology, but my focus was strictly on the task at hand, and it made me aware of how distracted we can be using our phone. I would recommend everyone trying it out for at least a day. #nosocialmedia #nointernet #onlyphonecalls
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kauibunga · 11 months
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Thursday 5/11
12:29
Today was pretty fun yay awesome i didn’t go to any of my classes but i had chicken strips from lu valle and it was saurrrr yummy. i woke up around OMG WAITTT I DID GO TO CLASS!!!! i went to 7B at 9:30 am bc i’m an academic weapon so i actually woke up at 7:45 and i was saurrr sleepy hmm after chicken strips i was at kerck until like 3 when i got sharetea to hang out w nikki and sam awesome i got some work done which was rlly good but the walk back was saurrr longg. i went to dinner with my cousins who i haven’t really seen in a long time which was so nice but then i knocked out after and i didn’t get any work done. merpp
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robinruns · 1 year
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Ok, let's see if I can get my thoughts from this weird ass day out of my head
I slept hard last night. Like I woke up enough at 6 to turn off my alarm, then half an hour later heard Kyle's alarm. I struggled to get going so I didnt go in early to do any overtime. When I got to work, I realized I left my phone at home. I don't think I woke up fully until 9:30. I had a meeting at 11 am and oof.
So my work does this wellness program and we didn't get the highest score this year because they now include mental health policies as a portion of the score. I brought up that it would be nice if we had designated mental health days, or clarity in the sick time policy that allows for taking time off due to mental health reasons.
Boomer Coworker: Well I could say it's really nice out and I need a mental health day on the golf course lololol
Me: I have days where I struggle to get out of bed due to depression, but I do because I'm not physically ill so I don't feel like I can call in. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad I'm feeling physically ill, but I don't feel like I can leave. Having a definitive policy that allows for time off for mental health reasons would be really helpful.
Coworker with a Brain: Thank you for sharing all that, we'll take that to (HR lady) and see what we can do
BC: Oh yea we can do that, I'm not totally heartless
No buddy, I know you're not, but you're a bit thick headed sometimes. I sent a follow up after the meeting to the coworker who has common sense and said if they want any opinions or input from someone that is Actually Mentally Ill, I'd be more than happy to help. I shouldn't have to put my fucking diagnoses out on the table to have what I'm saying be taken seriously, but here we are.
Then I went home for lunch, Kyle had the episode of IASIP where they're trying to get in to the World Series on and when he finished his work call said "I put this on because the regular channel had baseball on." He didn't see the irony until I pointed it out later.
Afternoon was super fast since I left early for therapy. I'm glad that we're not beating around the bush and just straight up saying the root of my problems is my non existent self worth. My "homework" for this time is to watch a YouTube video and come up with a list of consequences for things that don't have obvious consequences, such as "when I don't take the time to put away laundry, I end up feeling like shit and it exacerbates my already bad mental health."
The thing is, what consequence is there if I don't? Ha, suck on that Jordyn!!
God I wish I loved myself
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ANYWAY!!!
We then went to McDonalds for dinner and got Adult Happy Meals again, we've gotten 2 of the 4 (5?) Toys so far. I dunno if we're gonna try to collect them all but getting chicky nugs from McDonalds is so much easier than making dinner.
Then I laid on the couch and thought about how I should be editing a fic with the change to the backstory that I came up with recently. And watched more IASIP. And now I'm in bed.
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