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ramberjambers · 3 years

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dsmp vigilante!au headcanons (minor-centric)

vigilante info:

ranboo’s ability is teleportation

he naturally looks like he does in the dsmp, ie half-white half-black skin & hair and is extremely tall

his mutation makes him stand out a lot so he’s always nervous about going out in public and getting his identity revealed

to throw people off, his vigilante outfit is his origins skin, so he paints the white half of his body black in hopes of making his vigilante persona look less like he does irl

he’s the second one out of the four to start vigilantism, so he’s a bit more experienced (as a tribute to how much he plays hypixel)

purpled is the one who became a vigilante first

he can create this purple miasma that when breathed in, affects people’s cognitive abilities (they become less aware of their surroundings, have sloppier movements, etc). this helps him sneak past heroes unnoticed and gives him an advantage when fighting villains

his outfit includes a gas mask to both hide his face and protect him from his own power

tommy. you know what’s coming.

he doesn’t have a power

it isn’t that much of an issue though, because tommy has lived on the streets nearly his entire life. he knows the city’s layout like the back of his hand and he makes sure to stay extremely agile in order to take down his opponents

he uses gadgets to give him an edge during fights and has the largest win streak out of the four of them (though that’s probably cause he’s always looking for a fight so he goes patrolling the most out of all of them)

he and tubbo were the last ones to become vigilantes

tubbo’s super power is lovingly named hive mind. he basically has the ability to connect to the technology around him, making it easy to hack into police radios/street cameras and tell the others where trouble might be happening

he patrols the least out of all of them because he’s usually sitting in front of all his monitors giving them info based on what he sees

he’s very tech-savvy and was the one who made all of tommy’s gadgets

how they met:

tommy and tubbo were the ones who met first

tommy was living in an abusive household *cough* dream? *cough* and he ran away at a young age to live in the streets instead

tubbo was dropped off at a police station as a baby, and was constantly being moved through different foster homes growing up

when they were both around 14, they met at a park and instantly clicked. tommy offered for tubbo to run away with him and tubbo, sick of not having a family that wouldn’t leave him, agreed

tommy showed him the ropes of how to live in the streets and eventually tubbo used his power to very legally what are you talking about find a source of income so they could buy an apartment

they met ranboo a couple months into their vigilantism

basically tommy got in quite the pickle while patrolling and ranboo saw and teleported him to safety

they ended up keeping in touch and the three of them became friends

then tommy and tubbo ran into purpled for the first time

basically purpled had almost gotten caught by the police, and tubbo intercepted their tech to freak them out while tommy grabbed him and ran back to their base

purpled kept in touch, and not long after tommy and tubbo found out that he already knew ranboo

purpled and ranboo met about a year before they met tommy and tubbo

they were both still kinda new to being vigilantes, and they teamed up for a good couple of months. purpled helped ranboo with fighting to lessen his anxiety and ranboo was purpled’s escape if he needed an immediate out

once they improved they went their separate ways but kept in touch in case they needed each other

when tommy and tubbo found out they were like “yo that’s so cool!” and so all four of them became a team

not long after their identities ended up getting revealed to each other. tommy offered for ranboo and purpled to live with him and tubbo saying “the minors have to stick together”

they accepted and figured out how to make their tiny apartment house four teenagers

living together in such a small space made them really close. they all sleep on the floor with two mattresses pushed together since the bed was too small. they are all very in sinc/coordinated with each other from having to avoid knocking into each other in the tiny apartment

friend group roles:

tommy is feral. he’s literally always looking for a fight

he gets into a lot of trouble because he’s always getting into big fights which can attract heroes or the police

he patrols the most out of the group and is the most well-known vigilante when it comes to the civilians in the area

tommy hates it when people fuck with his family. since he’s always kinda pissed, he’s more than happy to beat the hell out of whoever messed with his friends

if tommy’s the sword that attacks people who hurt someone in the group, then tubbo’s the one who wields that sword

the dude is merciless and VERY protective. if he finds out you hurt one of the others you can expect your bank account to be empty, all of your crimes to be leaked to the police, and an angry blonde being sent after you to send you to said police. he will literally make sure your entire life is ruined in the span of one night

his friends aren’t safe from his wrath either. if one of them gets hurt he will first ruin whoever hurt them and then turn around and make sure they regret being so stupid. the others feel bad when it happens cause he sometimes cries when he yells at them to stay safe dammit

now you think that tommy is the one that causes the most trouble but in reality? ranboo takes the cake

the dude is a trouble magnet and at least 90% of the time he doesn’t even want trouble to begin with.

he just always happens to be there when a bank robbery happens, always happens to be in the same place as heroes while out patrolling

the other three get grey hairs just thinking about him and his terrible luck

with the other three being such extremes, purpled is the stabilizer. the mediator

he’s very chill and doesn’t probe or ask questions

if tubbo and tommy have a fight they will both go to him to talk about it. then, instead of saying “well tommy/tubbo feels like this” he goes “how do you think tommy/tubbo felt during that?”

it always leads to them understanding each other and apologizing, meanwhile purpled will sit there like “mission accomplished”

he’s also usually the one ranboo goes to when his anxiety becomes too much

sbi enters the fray:

tommy is the one that runs into and is adopted by the sbi first

he meets wilbur when they’re both in civilian wear and they become really good friends almost instantly

wilbur figures out that he’s a vigilante pretty quickly but doesn’t do anything about it besides telling him that he knows

meanwhile tommy’s totally convinced that wilbur’s just a chill civilian

he talks to tubbo about it and tubbo immediately does a background check

purpled takes one look at wilbur and goes “he’s giving me hero vibes”

when tubbo confirms this tommy freaks out and avoids wilbur

which makes wilbur panic because he assumes tommy got hurt while fighting crime

he ends up telling techno and phil about it and with their help they find tommy

only to discover that he’s living in a one bedroom apartment with three other children and no adults in sight

the quirky quartet is immediately freaked out by three heroes discovering their “base” and tommy, as expected, ends up getting mad

wilbur’s like “where were you?! i thought you died on patrol or something!”

and tommy’s like “you’re a hero!”

and wilbur goes “yeah??? so?!?!”

and tommy blinks

and wilbur sits there, confused, before it dawns on him

“you mean you didn’t know?!?!”

“how was i supposed to know you’re a hero?!”

“i thought you knew!! just like i knew you were a vigilante!!”

“well i didn’t, asshole!!!”

needless to say they all calmed down once the quartet realized that the other three weren’t going to arrest them

they all keep in touch and continue their respective professions

techno gets attached to ranboo pretty quickly and so the sbi starts visiting more

and when they get to know tubbo and his anger issues and purpled and his caring nature the adults all kinda just agree that “yeah, these are our kids now”

eventually they convince the four to move in with them since they have an actual house

the quartet chooses to sleep in one bedroom still cause sleeping by themselves makes them uneasy now and so they have the biggest room in the house and it has two bunk beds and a pillow fort they made their first week living there

they usually sleep in a pile inside the fort instead of their beds

it totally absolutely does not make the three adults silently scream at how adorable they are

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lucifers-horror-harem · 3 years

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Can I request headcanons for a poly relationship with Brahms and Vincent Sinclair?

Oh my gODDDDD ANON UR MIND!!! Legit I went OFF with this headcanon post and honesty I’m obsessed with this pairing now. I might even write a smutty one shot regarding this but like fuckkkkkk I hope y’all enjoy this cause i had SO MUCH FUN writing it!

Brahms/Vincent/Reader Poly:

Since Brahms and Vincent are two killers that are based in a specific location and would probably never leave their homes, here are a few specific headcanons for each killer in the other’s home.

Vincent in the Heelshire Manor wouldn't affect him too greatly, other than the nagging feeling of being homesick. Though if he has you by his side, it makes the ache less harsh. For the most part as long as Vincent has a room he can call his workshop he really won't mind. And because the Heelshire mansion is so huge there would be more than enough room for such.

Brahms would be very against having Vincent in the walls, feeling threatened by his presence, but once he is more used to the three of you being together he might not mind it as much. Actually, Vincent enjoys Brahms' space. He finds the room quite relaxing, though a bit too cramped for his liking.

Ultimately, both are fine as long as they are given their privacy to work and relax on their own time.

Brahms in Ambrose would cause the most upheaval. He would glue himself to your side, following you wherever you went as you were the only comfort he had in this strange place. Brahms isn't used to not only being out of the walls but essentially having a whole town to himself to explore. It would be a lot at first, but with yours and Vincent's gentle urging, Brahms would slowly embrace this new change.

He would love the tunnels under Ambrose, allowing him to move to different places in town without needing to walk down the street just in case there were visitors in town. He prefers to slip in and out of places largely unnoticed so less attention is brought to him.

While he does not actively participate in the slaying of visitors in Ambrose for the wax collection, he has been known to attack anyone he deems a threat to you or the Sinclairs. This is his home now and anything that is a threat to that home must be dealt with accordingly (and brutally). Vincent often complains that Brahms ruins the bodies, but understands that Brahms can't control himself when he reaches that point.

Speaking of the other Sinclair brothers, Bo unsurprisingly hates Brahms. When Brahms first arrived, he was very shy and nervous around Bo, actively afraid of the loud and easily angered brother. Once he realized that Bo was no threat to him, he actively enjoyed "playing" with him. Bo hates it when he uses his childlike voice, but Brahms continues to do it anyways to put Bo on edge. Brahms might also use his stealthy abilities to purposefully scare Bo, appearing out of nowhere and giving him a heart attack and running off before Bo can retaliate. Bo would never admit it openly but Brahms intimidates him simply from his stature and the inability to read him.

Lester was intimidated by Brahms when he first arrived, the man much taller and more muscular than he was. But when Brahms learned about the road kill Lester collects and disposes of, he simply asked if he could take care of the rats as well. Lester did, and the two have no issues with each other, though Lester still feels a slight unease when around the other man.

Now, for the personality dynamics of the boys.

Brahms and Vincent get along much better than one might initially suspect. The two are utterly territorial men, often with you in the middle of their affections, however they eventually grow to understand each other and how it would be easier to protect you if they were both there. You’re the common denominator that keeps them from fighting each other, and the fact that you dispense love equally between them is an important factor.

The two will eventually grow to respect each other as well, with Brahms eventually being comforted by Vincent's company if you are unavailable. He will often sit quietly with Jonesy as he watches Vincent work on his sculptures, very rarely interrupting him. Vincent isn't bothered by this presence, and is often comforted if either you, Brahms, or the both of you are in the room with him doing whatever as he sculpts.

Vincent grows fond of Brahms, feeling protective of him when he becomes distressed and overwhelmed. Growing up with Bo, he has learned how to help diffuse highly volatile situations. Even if he can't speak very well, his gentle reassurances help while he deescalates Brahms’ tantrums. A plus for you, really.

As the two of them both wear masks to hide their faces, they might reveal themselves sooner rather than later simply because they're in the presence of another person that truly understands what their going through, as well as someone who loves them unconditionally (you, of course). Expect them to take of their masks one night while the three of you are together, the two of them slowly revealing themselves to each other and you. Brahms’ burn scars, and Vincent's scars each on one side of their face, cause them to be moved when they first see each other. They'll have their masks off around you more often after that.

Now,,, the somft dating headcanons,,,

Brahms and Vincent are both touch starved individuals so just expect to be giving lots of love to these boys. Just you cuddling with them makes them melt, and if they see you giving attention to one you know the other will grow jealous until you give them some love as well. Brahms is much more clingy than Vincent however, and you'll have to be a bit more firm with him about your space even if he ignores it most of the time. Vincent is a lot more shy so when you give him hugs and kisses he is more likely to freeze up instead of latch onto you like Brahms the Leech Boy would.

Both spoil you as much as humanly possible, mostly with love and physical affection though they have their own little ways of treating you. Vincent makes you small wax sculptures all the time, enjoying the smile on your face as you look the figure over with adoration. Brahms gets a bit annoyed over this, as he doesn't have much of an artistic hand. But Vincent is happy to give him some wax and either let him mess around with it or teach him some techniques to properly use it. Brahms is so proud once he is able to make you something small, probably a bowl, and he absolutely melts when you squeal in delight at his thoughtful gift. Vincent can't help but feel happy himself too.

Lots of snuggle piles with the three of you, often with you in the middle. While they don't tend to have a favorite position as long as they get to hold you, they do have a few regular positions. When you read out loud to them, Vincent tends to sit behind you, your back up against his chest, as Brahms is tangled amongst both of your legs as he rests his head on your lap, his arms draped around your middle. Vincent holds the book open for you so both of your hands are free to pet and play with Brahms’ hair, which he thoroughly enjoys. Sometimes Vincent and Brahms will swap places, or one of them will rest their head against your chest as you act as the big spoon. Also expect many blankets and pillows to further complete your nest as well.

Luckily for Bo, Brahms’ need for structure in the form of the daily chore list will keep you busy cleaning up the living space and making enough food to feed all the men you were caring for now. If Bo has been particularly good, Brahms might tag along with you to the gas station to deliver him lunch after you bring Vincent his. Vincent is usually busy with his art so you give him a kiss on top of his head and leave his food on his work bench, knowing he will get to it once he is hungry. Bo won't dare to lash out too much when he is being fed, especially not when Brahms stands behind you like an imposing bodyguard whenever Bo is nearby.

Date nights with the two of them are rather unconventional. Most of the time whenever the three of you are together it is considered a date whether or not it is super romantic. Just coexisting in the same space is often enough for the three of you. Vincent is happy enough to show you and Brahms around Ambrose, obviously knowing the best places to relax and get away from the stress the town can bring. He knows exactly where you can see the best sunrises and sunsets too. And Brahms is more than happy to tag along, though if he was in his manor than he would probably have a hard time leaving even with the two of you by his side.

Expect lots of quiet nights reading, softly talking amongst yourselves, watching old vhs tapes found around town on the small TV, and listening to music. Sometimes Jonesy will keep you all company and get lots of snuggles and belly rubs as well.

Now onto the headcanons you filthy animals were waiting for. You know. The naughty stuff ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Being the needy man he is, Brahms is probably the first to initiate sexual touching. He is certainly not shy about his desire for you, not even being embarrassed about growing hard around you. Vincent, on the other hand, is too ashamed to initiate contact in the beginning, even if he feels the same way. Most likely he will let Brahms take the lead with you first, enjoying the act of watching you both. You can't get enough of the sight of Vincent sitting in his chair, hand squeezed tightly around his member as he edges himself while watching Brahms grab and explore your body. And with Brahms’ jealous streak he doesn't mind having you first either.

Slowly, Vincent will find his way into bed with the two of you, probably at your urging. If Brahms is feeling particularly generous, he might be the one to say something. "They’re so soft Vinny, you have to touch them." With some gentle persuasion, Vincent will touch you the way Brahms touches you, making your toes curl and your breath hitch. Brahms watches eagerly, touching you as well and grabbing your hand and holding it over his cock as you pump him until his seed spills over you.

Vincent isn't shy about body worship once he realizes how much you want him. He will kiss and caress every inch of you, pulling out all sorts of noises that you never thought were possible. Brahms looks on in awe, his mouth often following behind Vincent's as he mimics the actions, much to your delight.

Brahms has a hard time holding himself back around you while Vincent can take an entire night with you, so together they tend to even out. They'll go until you're too exhausted, but usually Brahms will finish first, leaving Vincent all the time in the world with you. That is, until Brahms’ gets hard again and finds his way back into the fray.

They are both comfortable being switches, not minding if they are on top but if you want to top they will gladly let you spoil them. They both love being ridden, holding you in their arms as you bounce on their cock, until you leave them a shaking mess beneath you. They also enjoy receiving oral from you, and you tend to include both of them in the activity. Sometimes you will jerk the two of them off with your hands, give oral to one and use your hand on the other, or on at least one occasion, have attempted to at the very least lick both of them at the same time.

As the three of you grow more open and experienced with each other's bodies, you can expect to try taking them both on at least a few occasions. Sometimes one of them will be performing oral or fucking you as you take the other in your mouth. If you happen to be AFAB, expect double penetration to be attempted at least once, though Brahms is a bit too impatient to go through the whole ordeal so it isn't an activity you often engage in.

Now, Brahms and Vincent both grew up in very strict and sheltered homes, so the thought of being naked in the same room as another man, or sharing the same person with another man in the same bed might cause them trepidation in the beginning of your sexual relationship. Eventually, however, they grow to love each other as much as they love you, though they might show it to each other in a different way. While they might not initiate sex with each other if you aren't around, they will slowly begin to experiment with you in the bedroom. Touching you turns into touching each other as well, and they find that while each other's touch is much different than yours, they enjoy this new feeling.

In fact, they might have been known to, on occasion, jerk each other off if their needs grow too intense and you aren’t around to provide for them. When you caught them, they were facing each other, pumping each other’s member as Brahms buried his face into Vincent's shoulder. Initially they were wildly embarrassed and thought you would be mad, but you assured them you weren't, your words of encouragement helping them finish.

Time for kinks!

They both share voyeurism kink, and while Brahms can be a bit annoyed and bratty if he has to sit on the sidelines, both are content to watch the other have their way with you, getting off on just watching. Hell, both of them spy on you on the regular, watching you get dressed or shower before you either notice them in the doorway or they allow themselves in.

If Vincent is able to get a hold of a camera you know he will be taking pictures of you constantly, with or without you knowing. While it partially adds to his voyeur kink, he enjoys being able to take artistic nudes of you, as well as less artistic ones where you are simply being wrecked by one or the both of them.

Wax play is a big kink of Vincent's as he enjoys watching your expression as he tips the candle over your skin and watches how the hot wax makes you jolt for a moment before it begins to solidify on your skin. Brahms, however, is not a fan, simply because he finds it tedious as well as being unable to enjoy it himself. Putting hot wax on a hairy man is not a fun time.

They both enjoy bondage, though Brahms doesn't really know how to properly execute it until meeting Vincent. All three of you have been tied up at one point or another, allowing the other two access to their body. Vincent enjoys the more eloquent knots and ties, creating intricate designs on both you and Brahms. Brahms is a good candidate for being tied up as he gets worked up so easily and this is one of the few ways to help him take his time. The ties that you and Brahms execute on Vincent aren't as beautiful but they do the trick, and he often has a hard time edging himself with the two of you giving him attention.

Any kinks that you have are eagerly accepted by Vincent and Brahms, as they are always happy to bend over backwards to satiate your needs. Even if it is a little embarrassing, they're willing to try anything at least once with you.

Ultimately, the open communication and understanding between the three of you help immensely when it comes to taking care of each other's needs. You would all drop everything to satisfy your partners, and they would do the same for you.

#slasher x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #brahms heelshire x reader #vincent x brahms x reader #vincent sinclair #brahms heelshire #house of wax #the boy 2016

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mitsmebinch · 2 years

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The Dumbest Shit in the Weirdest Places: Anxiety Edition

Exactly one person said this would be cool but I happen to like that person so here we go: Traveling With Anxiety Sucks But It's Not Impossible.

1: Don't leave in the morning. I tried that once, and spent the rest of the day unable to leave my house in my bed. Your anxiety knows how to keep you from going outside and it will. Leave after you're already outside for something else, like a doctor's visit, hanging with a friend, etc. I always leave for trips after work. That leaves me 2-3 hours of travel time on the first day, which isn't great, but at least I get to leave at all.

2: Fuel up at half tank. Some states are fucking UNPOPULATED and there aren't a lot of gas stations (Looking at you Wyoming). You don't need to be looking at your gas tank every 10 minutes because you're at 1/4 tank and you don't know when you'll see civilization again. You can also check your map to see how far away the next city is!

3: Make your first overnight in a city where you know someone. First time I traveled I stopped for the night in a city one of my siblings live in. I slept in my car as planned, but I had her a phone call away if something went wrong. Back-ups are important, shit happens.

4: Vibes can be fucked. Sometimes you need to relocate for the night because the city you stopped in isn't the safest. But, you don't want your anxiety doing that every time. My recommendation would be to find a place that most cities have and stick to them. I stop at Love's, Walmarts, and hotels. They're high traffic, but they also have plenty of people also sleeping there for the night too.

5. Masks. Covid sucks, but now that masks are socially acceptable to wear everywhere, use them. Being decked out with a mask, baseball cap, and headphones is equivalent to a bullet proof vest. You can engage with others exactly as much as you want to.

6. When you stop for dinner, stop for the night. This gives you time to eat, make your safe call (essential!), check what you need to, relax. I usually take this time to sit myself in a booth with some dinner, write some reviews for where I'd been that day (reviews are my hobby), and organize my receipts and pamphlets for my travel scrapbook. In my experience servers don't bother you so much when you're alone, so it'll be some quiet time. You can also eat in your car!

7. Do not drive at night, and do not drive in low visibility weather. Have I done both these things? Yes, obviously, I am not known for my good decisions, but there's nothing like no ability to see what might be running into the road in front of you to give you a good case of the shakes. You should only be driving if you ABSOLUTELY have to, like if you're trying to get off an unmarked impassable road in the middle of nowhere. IDK. Could happen to anYOnE.

8. The 3 pats. You're probably used to using this one at home - phone, wallet, keys. You need to do that every time you get in or out of the car. I have left my phone in 3 cities across 2 states, one of which I did not notice for 45 minutes. Do not start your car unless you have all three. Put a fucking sticky note on your windshield if you have to.

9. Not everything has to be new. You can go to a city you've never been to and just watch a movie, or go to a McDonalds. Not everything has to be outside your comfort zone.

So yeah, have fun out there kiddies. Please don't be stupid, that's my thing.

#advice #travel advice #mental health #anxiety #mental health friendly #list #have fun be safe lol #also i don't think it's something to put on the list but also you do not have to go on the trip!#if your anxiety is so fucking bad that you can't leave your house #you can go next weekend #or in a month #it's fine #you'll get there #and id be happy to answer any questions in the replies just be aware that i am in fact a certified dumbass so it's not law just guidelines #and tell me about your travels too i need some ideas #im full for 2022 but 2023 who the fuck knows lol #dumbest shit in the weirdest places

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mitsdriveswhere · 2 years

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Traveling with Anxiety

Exactly one person said this would be cool but I happen to like that person so here we go: Traveling With Anxiety Sucks But It's Not Impossible.

9. Not everything has to be new. You can go to a city you've never been to and just watch a movie, or go to a McDonalds. Not everything has to be outside your comfort zone.

So yeah, have fun out there kiddies. Please don't be stupid, that's my thing.

#the dumbest shit in the weirdest places #road trip #mental health #anxiety #traveling #travel #i am not a fan of anxiety but i will walk backwards into hell before i let it stop me from doing dumb shit

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bigstabbymen · 3 years

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Special.

NSFW

(TW: noncon, abuse, kidnapping I guess? Kind of projecting past abusers into Bo so.)

Carly and her friends brought along a pity invite. AU where none of them make it. The brothers take a liking to their friend though.

Mary Cecilia Dorset had no real friends, and hardly any family to speak of, when she first arrived in Ambrose. Carly, a loose friend from high school had invited her along to go camping with her, her boyfriend, and their friends. Mary knew that none of them truly desired to be friends with her, but just by being her she provided a very special schadenfreude that they all enjoyed. While Carly wasn’t unkind to her, Mary knew she knew how her friends would react to her being invited. Mary was ill, born wrong, “different” from the time she was a toddler and everyone knew it. When the car broke down mysteriously and they had to make their way to the gas station in Ambrose, she was happy for the chance to get away from them. The house of wax seemed like the perfect place to hide for a while, and though it was closed, her curiosity lead her inside. What a fine place of beautiful things, a beauty she knew her ‘friends’ would never comprehend or properly respect. Just for the hour, this would be her sanctuary, a special place just for her. Abandoned and quiet, it was the perfect place to sing. Since Mary had been a young child she had sung to herself to keep herself company, and the sound of her voice echoed around the museum. The sound traveled, and was heard by someone far beneath her in the bowels of the museum. Vincent Sinclair was confused, startled that someone was in the museum but, intrigued just as well. When he quietly made his way up to see her, he gasped to himself. What a beautiful girl, what a beautiful sculpture she would make, he thought. Her hair was chestnut brown and down to her waist, she wore a sweater almost as bulky as his own and a black skirt, black tights, black shoes. Her eyes were closed as she sang, and Vincent felt conflicted. If he made a sculpture of her he would never hear her sing again, maybe he could record her singing and play it always beside her sculpture, maybe he would keep it in the basement with him or in his room, maybe he could hide her from Bo and keep her all to himself, something for him and only him. His stomach churned. It was such an odd feeling, a sudden pang of empathy sharp as a needle in his heart. The desire not to hurt this creature, to keep her all to him, but alive and warm and moving and singing.

Though, Bo would never allow Vincent any beautiful thing all to himself.

Months had come and gone. All of Mary’s friends sat posed in perfect positions in the house of wax, winter came to Ambrose, and then Spring, and now under the harsh summer sun Mary stood outside of the Sinclair house in a sundress that had belonged to Trudy. Bo and Vincent both were very fond of dressing her in their mother’s old clothes, and as she hadn’t prepared to be in Ambrose longer than a few hours, she was happy for the new wardrobe. For the majority of her time here Vincent had tried his best to shield her from Bo, who mocked him incessantly for it. Vincent sketched her endlessly, sculpted her in various positions, filmed her whenever he could. So much of his workplace in the basement was full of her. He took pride in his little collection of Mary memorabilia that Bo would never have. Though eventually, Mary’s old life slipped away somewhere in the crevices of her brain and she became close to all three of the brothers Sinclair in one way or the other.

A few times a week she rode along with Lester when he went out to collect his dead treasures. He showered and put on fresh clothes for the occasion every single time, and Mary enjoyed his company. She wondered if he prettied himself up for her because she was a woman or because she was always wearing his mother’s clothes, her perfume, reminding all three of the brothers of her and making their desperate attachment to her all the more intense. Over her sundress she wore a pocketed apron, she carried a basket with her and she always took her shoes off as soon as she and Lester were away from Ambrose, in the wilderness together as free as children.

“Hey, beautiful.” Lester said as she approached. He was leaning against his truck and unabashedly staring at her chest.

“Good morning Lester.” she said and he smiled his crooked, toothy grin at her.

“Ready?” he asked as he opened the passenger door for her.

“Absolutely.”

Lester and Mary would go out to the woods, while he searched for any dead creature he could get his dirty hands on she searched for herbs, flowers, grasses and the like she used to make medicines, berries and mushrooms she used to cook. When her basket and the pockets of her apron were full she waited for Lester at his truck. Eventually he came around, grumbling to himself.

“Nothin’ round here. Need to get out to the highway, gonna get you home before noon or I reckon’ Bo’ll skin me.” he said, spitting. He seemed so grumpy and frustrated that Mary couldn’t help but pity him.

“Do you want a kiss?” she asked and he smiled shyly, looking at the ground as his cheeks flushed.

“Awh dang, course’ I do.” he said. Mary set her basket down and wrapped her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him and resting his forehead against hers. His breath smelled of whiskey even this early in the morning and his erection was very apparent through his jeans as he pressed himself against her. She kissed him gently and he kissed her back desperately, it was obvious he wanted more than just a kiss, but both of them knew Bo wouldn’t be happy about it. And for that matter, neither would Vincent. Even if all of them had taken turns with her at some point of the other, she could love none of them as much as she loved Vincent. She broke the kiss and he didn’t force himself on her, Lester never did. They rode back to Ambrose mostly in silence.

Mary slipped into the house quietly, hoping not to alert Bo for as long as she could but it seemed he was out somewhere, or maybe at the gas station. Either way she was happy to be without him for the time being. The boys had given her their parents old room which she had mostly just used as a space to make tinctures and dry herbs, most nights she slept in Vincent’s bed with him, even if Bo had his way with her earlier, she would always slip away when he was finally asleep. None of the brothers could sleep well, and relied on her medicine to put them out, though she always gave Bo more than necessary.

As evening fell, Mary made her way to Vincent’s room, locking the door behind her as she entered. She knew Bo could unlock it quickly but, at least this way they would hear him coming. Vincent stood up from his desk, closing his sketchbook quickly.

“What were you drawing?” she asked kindly and he shrugged. He didn’t stop her as she made her way closer to him, opening his sketchbook and flipping through it. Image after image after image of her. Making tea in the kitchen, picking flowers, smiling, crying. Somehow he made her look beautiful.

“You can always ask me if you want me to pose for you.” She said.

“I prefer it this way.” he said quietly.

“I brought you medicine.” Mary said, plucking a small black bottle from her pocket.

“You don’t have to wear your mask around me if you don’t want to.” she said softly and he shuffled a bit uncomfortably.

“May I?” she asked as she reached for his face. He flinched, but didn’t stop her from removing it. She set it aside on his desk and pushed his hair out of his face.

“There. That’s better isn’t it.” she cooed. The way she could look at him and smile so genuinely made his heart beat so fast he thought it would explode. She ran her fingers over his face and stood on her toes to kiss both of his cheeks. His breath hitched and he put his hands on her shoulders.

“I’m sorry!” she said, knowing he was sensitive about being touched but unable to resist.

“Is this too much?”

“No. I need to kiss you.” he said breathlessly, kissing her as awkwardly as he always did. Inexperienced and innocent, but equally determined and rough. He tangled his fingers into her hair and pressed his body against hers, he pressed himself against her so hard it was like he hoped they would melt together into one person. When he finally broke the kiss to catch his breath Mary took his hand and lead him over to his bed. She began to undress him, slowly, giving him every chance to stop her if he needed to. He didn’t. He let her remove his sweater, his pants. She ran her fingers over his chest, over the trail of hair that lead down into his underwear. He grabbed her hands and pushed her down, easily pinning both of her wrists above her head in one hand. With his other hand he pushed up her dress, though she was wearing nothing beneath it. He inhaled sharply at the sight of her, her breasts, her hard nipples, her cunt..

Mary spread her legs for him and he groaned needily, his erection straining against his underwear. He tentatively reached out, slipping two of his calloused fingers into her and curling them as she had shown him before. She gasped and closed her eyes, arching her back and he bent down to take one of her nipples in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, trying to savor every small detail of her body. He was ashamed of how many times he had pleasured himself against the sculptures he made in her image, crudely grinding his cock against the wax, taking wax nipples into his mouth, nothing compared to the real thing. Warm, soft flesh. He couldn’t wait any longer, he slid his fingers out of her and freed his cock, unceremoniously ramming it into her and releasing her wrists to hold her closely. He kissed her deeply between guttural moans, forcing his tongue into her mouth, holding onto her so tightly it was painful as he thrusted into her haphazardly, eager to be as deep inside of her as possible. Mary held him just as tightly, rubbing his back, cupping his face, stroking both of his cheeks affectionately.

“I adore you.” she said softly and his eyes rolled back as he climaxed.

Vincent didn’t want to pull out, he wanted to stay connected to Mary forever. He was nearly smothering her he was holding her to tight, pressing her head against his chest. His heart was pounding and he was still breathing heavily.

“Darling, I need to give you your medicine.” Mary said, moving his hair out of the way so she could kiss his cheek. He smiled slightly and leaned down to kiss her.

“I love you. I love you very much.” he said between kisses.

“Will you stay with me all night? Can we stay together every night, please?” he asked.

“I’m sorry if you’re tired now, or if it hurts, but sometimes could we sleep like this?”

Mary had never heard him say so much at once, he seemed so happy.

“I can try.” Mary said and Vincent happily kissed her again before finally rolling off of her.

Mary sat up and reached over to where the tincture bottle had fallen. Vincent kept a hand on her, unwilling to stop touching her for even a moment.

She straddled him, sitting on his broad chest. He bit his lip and placed his hands on her thighs, eagerly hoping to fuck her again. Instead she took the dropper from the bottle and placed a hand under his chin, opening his mouth. He lifted his tongue, allowing her to drop the bitter liquid under it. While the medicine helped, Mary’s hands stroking his hair and her soft singing were the only things to truly lull him into a restful sleep. Though, he was not the only one who required her attention in the evenings.

Bo’s footsteps were loud, sounding his arrival long before he reached Vincent’s door. Vincent grabbed Mary like he meant to hide her for a moment but she scrambled out of his grip, putting her dress back on as Bo jiggled the handle.

“Mary? You in here?” he shouted. She unlocked the door and stepped out, shutting it behind her, wanting to put space between Bo and Vincent lest he get jealous and take it out on his twin.

“Oh, ain’t this just somethin’ special.” he smirked down at her.

“How long have you been fuckin’ my brother then? Both of em?” he asked, towering over her, but he started laughing at her before she could respond.

“Ah hell. Guess we all get a turn with the only pussy in town. Don’t want you to go forgettin’ who you belong to though.” He said. He grabbed the bottle from her hand and took a swig from it, grabbing her face in his other hand and smashing his lips against hers. The bitter taste of alcohol and herbs on his lips was offensively strong as he bit her lip hard enough to draw blood.

“You, are mine. This-” he said, releasing her face to grab her groin just as hard.

“Is mine. Say your goodnights to Vincent, I’ll be in my room. Don’t make me wait.” he said, pushing her hard into Vincent’s door and throwing the bottle at her. She hit her head against the door so hard she saw stars. As his footfalls faded Vincent finally came out, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m such a coward.” He was crying, a mess of tears and mucus, his hair sticking to his face.

“Couldn’t protect you, he’s gonna hurt you more.” he mumbled. Of all the people he had seen Bo hurt, all the people he had hurt for Bo, this was too much. Not Mary, not his Mary.

“It’ll be alright Vinny.” she said, smiling at him though her lips were covered in blood.

“I have to go see him, you know I have to. But you lay down, and as soon as he’s asleep I’ll come right back to you.” she said. Vincent whimpered pitifully and buried his face into her hair. She hugged him, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“Go on now, I’ll be back.” she said. Vincent clung onto her dress as she stood and it broke Mary’s heart to pull herself away from him and make her way to Bo’s room.

Bo sat in his armchair, already naked, hazy-eyed from the medicine. He patted his thigh wordlessly and Mary slid out of her dress, sitting on his lap hesitantly. He wrapped his arms around her, stroking her head where she had hit the door and kissing her forehead.

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly, forcing her to look at him.

“You know I don’t wanna have to hurt you, right? You know I love you, don’t you?” he asked, his tone so sweet and gentle.

“I know you don’t wanna hurt me. And I know you love me.” she said. He handled her roughly like she was a doll, forcing her to straddle him and lining up his cock with her entrance.

“You love me too don’t you?” he asked, looking up at her with innocent, pleading eyes.

“I love you, Bo.” she lied. He smirked and forced her down onto his cock, grabbing her so tight she felt like he could break her bones with his bare hands.

“Of course you do, and you love this cock don’t you?” he asked, forcing her up and down on him. Mary always felt like she was slipping far away when he did this to her, she was thinking of Vincent. His hand across her face snapped her out of it.

“Nope, you’re not going anywhere, you’re gonna look me in the eye and tell me how much you love me, how much you love gettin’ fucked by me understand?” he yelled. She grit her teeth, her breasts bouncing as he continued fucking her, but she complied. If not for her sake, for Vincent’s.

Bo always fell asleep quickly after and Mary left as quietly as she could, showering before she went back to Vincent. He was clinging on to consciousness at the edge of sleep, waiting for her. As soon as she got close enough he grabbed her and pulled her to him, holding onto her the way a child does to their favorite stuffed animal.

“I love you Vinny.” she said softly, stroking his hair the way his mother used to.

“I love you too.” he said, too tired to cry again, though he wanted to.

“I think you’re the only person left in the world who loves me.” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. Mary continued to stroke him as she started to sing, gentle lullabies from far away lands that always lead him to fields of flowers within his dreams.

#vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #bo sinclair #house of wax #mine #selfship #selfshipping #self ship #self shipping #f/o #herbalism is important to me irl and i love making tinctures soooo i make medicine for these poor boys #anyway this helped me cope with the bad feelings tonight.

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marcholasmoth · 3 years

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OSRR: 2583

jesus mary and joseph today has been a million years long. got to sleep after 1am, woke up at 6am, got up, showered, got dressed, left for school, stopped at dunks so my stomach wouldn't be angy all day. realized on my way there i forgot to print my parking pass. so instead of parking in the commuter lot and going to get my ID and then waiting for class, i had to park in the visitor lot, get my ID, load it with cash, search around for a computer lab, print the pass, get it to my car, move my car, park in the commuter lot, and then go to class. because of how long it took me to find a computer lab and how much time it took me to drive down the street, i was late to class.

AND THEN I COULDN'T GO IN. on campus there's a new thing that guarantees students have a negative covid result that also requires a few forms and a pledge to be vigilant about keeping one another safe as well as a recent covid test. i didn't have any of those done when i got there, so i sat in the giant echoey common area filling out forms while the professor went over the syllabus. i did some research on where to get covid tests on the school website and found where they were getting distributed so i'd be prepared to go immediately after class. i did, however, manage to take notes for class this morning. which i'm proud of.

after class i went to the room in the MUB where they were distributing tests to discover they were actually distributing them at the arena. and it's also 80°F+ and 85%+ humidity outside, so it's been disgusting all fucking morning at this point. too many stairs, up down up down up down up down over and over again. back and forth and back and forth, more stairs and just. everything. my hips hurt. my shins hurt.

anyway, it's fucking disgusting outside and i get to the arena and i immediately calm down - it's air conditioned inside because it's a hockey rink.

the floor is fucking ice.

best part of my day.

picked up tests, took one, went to go back to my car. outside of the arena is a tiny restaurant and a train station, and on the other side of the tracks is the commuter lot. but there's a fence.

so i had to go UP the stairs, ACROSS the bridge again, BACK DOWN the stairs, and TWO THIRDS DOWN the lot to get back to my car after all of this. i was so fucking hot and disgusting that i was sick to my stomach for a solid ten minutes. finally got cool enough to function, headed out.

i sent a message to my afternoon professor that i wasn't going to be able to be in class because of the wildcat pass thing, so i was able to get zoom-ed in later. so i went home.

it also cost me almost forty bucks to fill my gas tank. not happy.

anyway, i get home, i pay for the rest of my tuition, i buy my books, and i go to take a nap. i wake up for my 3pm class and end up being late because the zoom link was buried in canvas and then i can't understand the man because he has a thick french accent, was wearing a mask and a face shield (good), and was moving a lot, so i couldn't hear him. so i've decided to be online mostly for astrophysics and then in-class for comp phys. and of course in-class for the lab on thursdays. so that'll be fine, going to campus twice a week instead of four times a week.

after all that fucking fiasco of a morning, i hung out and played animal crossing, we had dinner, and later i went with hannah to get ice cream, and we came back here to the house to eat it and talk.

turns out we're both fucking exhausted from listening to our mutual friend have breakdowns every five minutes. so. i tried to be as gentle as possible but she doesn't want to face the truth that she has, in fact, been broken up with, and that her now ex-boyfriend does not want to date her anymore. she also doesn't know what she's done wrong (the list includes, but is not limited to: gaslighting, shutting down for important conversations, and being overly clingy, suffocating, and codependent, among other things). so hannah and i complained to each other.

later the friend who's been the emotional sink for both of us called me and read me her script for her talk this friday with her ex, and while it's great, he doesn't want to get back together with you. she refuses to see that. and then she asked what hannah had said, so i told her a bunch of stuff and she got mad at me for being honest so she probably thinks i was attacking her personally when i was really just trying to be as gentle as possible while being entirely sick of her shit.

so i'm still upset. i'm just glad she's muted us at this point.

i told joel about what happened, and he's like "i don't wanna deal with this" and i was like "fuckin same bro" and i love how joel and i work together. god i'm so grateful for him. i'm grateful we're independent and work well individually but still work well together and don't rely on one another for either happiness or personal fulfillment. joel is the best and i love him so many. i ask for hugs and hand holds because it's fucking important, and i will never force him into something he doesn't want to do.

part of me realizes this friend who's having problems is barely an adult at all, but that doesn't excuse her from her absolute shitty and toxic behavior.

joel is so good to me. i'm grateful for his peanut butter-loving self. he leaves glasses of ice water for me to drink and makes sure i take my meds and that i get sleep. i in turn encourage him to spend time with his friends and find activities he enjoys and take the time to do those hobbies. i make sure we have food for him at meals because he's picky. i like to make sure he's in bed at a reasonable time. we look out for one another. we antagonize each other in the best way possible and i'm so happy i have him in my life. i'm glad we picked each other.

(when i woke up this morning, i saw on the discord that FF was online but on do not disturb and i wanted to tag them and wish them a happy afternoon but i was afraid it'd be out of line. so i didn't. i miss them.)

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #2000s #2500s #sunshine boy #god i love my sunshine boy #kaiku

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swamplatibule · 3 years

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Okay so lemme talk about Steel and Smoke for a second

This was actually my first paracosm, and it‘s still my favorite to this day. I have a dream to turn it into an animated show someday, and if I can do it, it’s gonna be badass.

Okay so- The world? Genre? Space opera. The system is called Xeliah, which is also the name of a para in a very different paracosm, but that’s not important right now.

There are seventeen different planets in this system. There used to be nineteen, but two got completely destroyed in the Great War. Are there different systems? Oh yeah. Absolutely. Nobody in Xeliah really cares about them, but they definitely exist.

About 100 years ago, a woman named Silver Thurberi took of Xeliah. Just built a bigass army and went “heyyyy so I’m the queen now deal with it”. Actually there was more to it than that, there was a really long war n shit, but forget that lets focus on the now, which is under the cut because its long as shit and I don’t want to completely take over anyone’s feed.

Silver’s bloodline has been ruling over Xeliah for the past 100 years, leading up to the current empress, Arayla, and her two daughters, Fang and Nucifera.

Now Arayla? She is an absolute bitch. She’s manipulative, abusive, gaslighting, just kinda of a shithole of a human being with the audacity to consider herself better than everyone else.

She raised both of her daughters to believe that if they weren’t perfect, they were worthless. Nucifera took that in and started pushing herself to be perfect, to the point where it was self-destructive and harmful, but it put her in her mother’s favor. Fang wasn’t able to do that like Nucifera was, and thus was cast to the side. She ran away when she was ten and Nucifera was fifteen.

As of right now, Nucifera is 21, and she’s been assigned to handle the growing revolution while Arayla does her whole tyrant of the galaxy thing. That means keeping tabs on influential people, intimidating anyone who could cause a problem, and most important to the story, taking down those who are already symbols of the revolution. Namely, her current focus is taking town the galaxy's most infamous thief, the Silver Songbird. Who happens to be her sister, Fang, behind a mask and a fancy set of armor. But she doesn't know that. But before she takes down the Songbird - who, by the way, doesn't actually have any connection to the revolution, but is thought to be a part of it because they only steal from really rich pro-Araylian people, which makes sense because not many of the revolters are very well-off - there's one person she needs to take care of first. May Eternity. She's the elected leader of one of the seventeen planets, although most of the leaders are basically just figureheads for Arayla to exercise her control through. May Eternity, however, is rumored to be an important revolution leader, and there's pretty substantial evidence of it. So Arayla needs her gone, in a way that can't be traced back to them. Nucifera sends an assassin. And he fails. But, he gets out of there before he can be captured, and he manages to place the blame on the Songbird. So that kinda works in Nucifera's favor, because it puts the Songbird on the wanted list for both pro-Araylians and revolters. Technically, it doesn’t work that smoothly, because it does solidify in a few people’s minds that May isn’t a revolutionary and the Songbird is, and stuff like that. It’s messy. It’s complicated. Another issue is that the Songbird is simply a thief, not a killer, and therefore a pretty large amount of people refuse to believe that they were behind the assassination attempt.

(look at this beautiful woman, I just want her to be happy but my brain won’t let her without a Zuko-level redemption arc)

But that comes in later.

That whole murder thing is what kicks off the whole story. May’s son, Nico, wants to go after the Songbird. His mother won’t let him, saying that it’s too dangerous, but he wants answers. So he goes to find them in secret.

Here’s Nico, by the way. I’d add a link to the Picrew I used, but I believe it’s been deleted now so I kinda can’t, sorry.

Clover is a spellcaster, someone who was born with unique paranormal abilities. Hers, specifically, would be Haemokinesis and Electrokinesis. Fun fact! Spellcasters are actually a race, not just people randomly born with powers. And another fun fact! People don’t know it’s a race, they just assume all spellcasters are dangerous individuals who developed scary powers and plan to use them to destroy the world. Final fun fact? It’s illegal for them to even just exist, and it’s punishable by death (That’s why this is tagged as ‘tw racism’). So Clover has it pretty bad. She’s kept her abilities a secret for a long time, but she loses control on her fifteenth birthday and now she’s exposed so she has to run.

[Now seems like a good time to mention that the outfits aren’t super accurate to them, it was a fantasy Picrew so I just picked what I could imagine them wearing in a fantasy AU. Xelian clothing and trends are pretty cool in my opinion, maybe I’ll make a post about that sometime in the far future]

She ends up at the Falcon Station, which is basically a really big galactic gas station and diner, except it’s mainly inhabited by those running from the law. It’s not strictly revolution or Araylian, everyone there just has a mutual understanding of ‘you leave me alone, I leave you alone’.. The Songbird happens to be there too, because they have a deal with someone who works there and also it’s one of the now few places where people don’t try to kill them.

Of course, someone has a few too many drinks and decides they’re going to try and capture the Songbird for the bounty, and a fight breaks out. Clover gets caught up in the middle of it, accidentally electrocutes the dude, and now people are trying to kill her too. The Songbird saves her, and they make it onto their ship in time to get the hell out of there unscathed.

Clover is absolutely terrified, which you would probably be too if you got stuck traveling with the most wanted person in the galaxy and weren’t certain whether or not they had tried to murder someone yesterday. She doesn’t fully trust the Songbird not to kill her, and the Songbird is trying to comfort her but it’s not working and they’re also just not great at conversations because the only reason they’ve had to talk to anyone for the past, what, two years was a deal for them to steal something.

There‘s a short exchange between them, Clover mentions something about ‘I don’t know a single thing about you I don’t even know what you look like and you expect me to just trust you I have self-preservation instincts okay’

And then they just take off the helmet, and Clover realizes a few different things at once:

- The Songbird just showed their face for her?? Um?? And they’re female, k cool we‘ll remember that

- This girl looks the same age as her, like fifteen, why is she fifteen that doesn’t make sense what

- Holy shit she’s hot

and now neither of them really know what to say, because how the fuck do you respond to that?

oh my god these two precious gays

anyway turns out they don’t actually have to say anything to each other because just then, in that moment, something bumps into the ship. Guess who it is?

Yep, it’s Nico, because he’s a terrible pilot and honestly lucky that he made it out this far without dying, but it’s okay we still love him.

Check in Sometime Later For A Part Two Because I Want To Post This Now

#tw abuse #tw manipulation #tw gaslighting #tw war mention #tw mental health #tw racism #tw death mention #tw murder mention #paraportal #my paracosm #my paras #paracosm: Steel and Smoke #Para: Fang #Para: Clover #Para: Nico #Para: Nucifera #If you see any more trigger warnings I need to put then tell me and I’ll edit

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creek-cryptid-deluxe · 3 years

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It’s been awhile since I truly ranted about my clueless boomer father. it’s absolutely not because he’s been less awful. in fact he’s been so overly awful that I’ve not had the energy to really type out an entire vent post.

Let’s rectify that! (Disclaimer: this shit is LONG)

So those of you who aren’t new round these parts are well versed in how clueless and selfish my “I’m not like other boomers” (def is) father. You might also know how introverted I am.

Now that word gets tossed around a lot by people who just enjoy their own company or enjoy socializing but need time to recharge, and that’s all well and good. But my personal introversion is much more... serious. Like, I can socialize but it’s draining pretty quickly, save a few people who don’t suck the life out of me because they arent work to hang out with and dont require me to entertain them. I need more recharge time than socializing time by a significant margin. Last summer my father went on vacation for a week (Bailey stayed with grandma) and during that week I didn’t verbally speak to a single fucking soul except when The Spawn (who didn’t live here at the time) came by for something. Best week of my fucking life.

The less I’m able to recharge, the more unpleasant I become. This is important.

So we all know that my father likes to claim a lot of things are that clearly bullshit. Among those things is the claim that he doesn’t need friends or socialization because he’s “like me” and the claim that he respects my space and need for down time. these things aren’t true. at all. Let’s look at why I saw that...

This man insists on telling me every small annoyance that happens through his day. Every single fucking day I have to hear (and read texts) repeatedly about how ignorant his coworkers are, the amount of unmasked people at stores/gas stations, & just generally self absorbed people he encounters. EVERY DAY. He clearly needs someone to socialize with.

He will also just walk into my living room and plop down. Then he starts fucking talking or bitching at the dogs for jumping around on him. If I am watching something, he starts asking questions/commenting on whatever I’m watching. If I’m wearing headphones (which are massive and cover my ENTIRE EAR very obviously) he will stare at me and start talking until I pull my headphones off and say “What?! What is so fucking urgent?!”

I’ve been getting progressively more short with him. I don’t answer texts that aren’t actually about something. When he interrupts me for something I KNOW will be frivolous bullshit, I exaggeratedly huff, then either rip off my headphones or pointedly pause what I’m watching and say “WHAT?! What do you need?!” If he’s bitching about the dogs playing on the couch while he tries to sit on it (which they do to me CONSTANTLY btw and I just make it work) I snap at him to just move to the fucking chair or shut up. If he goes to bitch about a coworker or people he encounters while out, I just say, “You already told me about this.” in and incredibly short tone, to which he responds “Well I wanted to make sure.” in a huffy tone.

His most recent two days have really taken the fucking cake.

So The Spawn frequently goes up to see her godfather, D, in Colorado over school breaks. He usually puts her on a plane or comes to get her, but with her having a car, she’s decided to take a friend with her and have her first Big Girl road Trip. She will be gone a little overr a week and she, the friend, D, and I all meticulously planned it out. My father comes in day before yesterday and says, “Hey do you want me to take vacation time while The Spawn is gone so I can be here?” I look deeply confused, “Why the fuck would you do that?” his response: “Well, I didn’t know if you’d need someone here to help with the dogs during the day while she’s gone.”

Y’all I nearly died laughing. “Her not being here changes literally NOTHING about how the dogs are handled during the day. When she is here, she is in her room. It’s really funny that you think I have help during the day considering how often I’ve bitched about the fact that I take care of the dogs that aren’t mine far too much.”

Then yesterday, I had spent the day employing my general tactics to discourage him from harassing me with useless bullshit. At some point, I cut him off from talking AGAIN about “ignorant, maskless, redneck gatherings at the gas station” by saying, “YES YOU TOLD ME AT LEAST 3 FUCKING TIMES. I GET IT. PEOPLE DON’T WEAR MASKS AND IT PISSES YOU OFF. IT’S BEEN A FUCKING YEAR. DEAL WITH IT. Why in the fuck do you insist on telling me this crap?” This fucking idiot laughed and said “I need to vent to someone.” I then told him to get a fucking friend or get a fucking therapist but I am not here for him to fucking vent to.

At the end of last night I finally lost it. I blew up on him about how I have zero privacy, nobody fucking respects my space or my need to recharge my social batteries, so I’m just constantly running on empty which means I’m getting progressively more unpleasant and frankly downright mean. Near the end I said “I’m sorry but...” and intended to tell him EXACTLY what he is doing that is causing this shit but true to fucking form, this motherfucker INTERRUPTS ME and says “Oh I never take any of this personally. no apology needed. goodnight.” and goes up to bed.

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT PERSONALLY YOU STUPID PIECE OF SELF ABSORBED SHIT!!!! YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! MY NEARLY 17 YEAR OLD CHILD HAS MORE AWARENESS OF MY NEED TO RECHARGE AND NOT BE AROUND PEOPLE CONSTANTLY THAN YOU DO DESPITE ME TELLING YOU ABOUT MY NEEDS IN VERY PLAIN LANGUAGE THAT A FUCKING 5 YEAR OLD COULD UNDERSTAND!!!

LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE. unless the subject of what you want to talk about impacts me directly in some way or i INVITE YOU into a conversation. I don’t vent to him unless it impacts him or the household... so why the fuck can’t he show the same courtesy? Also that whole “respect your space and not invade it” thing... on the rare occasion that he doesn’t just invite himself in and plop down in my space expecting my fucking attention, he will HOVER in the ‘doorway’ to my rooms until I acknowledge his presence, at which point he takes as an invitation. I’ve done an experiment. If I ignore the hovering, he will stand there up to 30 mins, at which point he will ask me a question and when I answer he takes it as an invitation. Like, I know my living room and BEDROOM don’t have doors but that doesn’t mean you have an open invite to just come into them whenever. You want to pet your dog but she’s on my bed? Call her. She’ll come over to you. Want to watch something with me? ASK and then, if I say yes, don’t fucking talk to me. I agreed to watch something, not have a fucking conversation.

oh but directly telling him any of this doesn’t work because he “doesn’t take any of this personally.” Ok, it’s one thing to not take it personally when I snap at you because I’m in an astronomical amount of pain that day and accidentally snapped. When that happens, I apologize and explain. but if I don’t mention my pain, apologize, or explain then YOU ARE THE REASON IM SNAPPING YOU STUPID FUCK.

end rant. if you read this whole thing, my condolences on the wasted time. I don’t want/need advice. I’m handling the situation the best I can in my current position. Part of that handling is that while The Spawn is gone, I’m going to do a few days where I’m here for the dogs, then when dad gets off work, J scoops me for the night, then drops me back off in the morning on his way in. He is one of those lovely people that isn’t a drain and if we are sitting in the same room, considers it spending time together. Most times, I lay on his furniture at an awkward looking but comfy angle reading a book while he games. We chat a bit during breaks or when I see him ready to throw the controller at the TV (looking at you Witcher 3...) so that will be lovely.

as always, don’t steal my shit for your blog, article, youtube, just because you’re boring and fucking lazy. Shoo! Scat!

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #395

“suicide? i’ve already died / it’s just the funeral i’ve been waiting for”

Have you ever met a famous political figure? No. Have you slept for longer than usual today? Ugh, no. I officially have my APAP mask for my sleep apnea, and I chose the one that covers my nose and mouth considering it varies which I breathe from when I sleep depending on congestion. It is very hard to get used to. When is the last time that you experienced rejection–literal or imagined? Hm. Is there an artist or celebrity whom you admire for their craft but take issue with their personality or politics? Yeah, such as Marilyn Manson. He's a pretty gross person but by god do I love his music. What’s the last thing you made out of clay? An anatomically correct heart. Do you like bacon bits on your salad? Yes. What do you do to celebrate Earth Day? Nothing. :/ I wish I could think of something to do for it. Have you ever had someone try to intentionally bully you to suicide? Bro what the actual fuck. No. Who are your favorite kids that you’ve babysat? My nephew Ryder. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? I've kissed a girl and it felt pretty great, so. Name three things in your room that others probably don’t have in theirs: 1.) a snake; 2.) a huge meerkat collection; and 3.) an APAP machine. Besides furniture, what’s the biggest thing in your bedroom? My snake, I think. Describe your feet: Ugh, the worst. My feet are horribly callused from when I used to walk all the time. I have small toes. What’s a pretty bird? Peacocks. Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed? Just about everything. .-. How do you like your hoodies? Loose/oversized. Can grills be sexy on a guy? They're hideous, if you want my honest opinion. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes. How fucked up are those, honestly... I really hate the concept of teaching children that they have to tell some random guy things they feel bad about and let him ask God to forgive you or else you're going to Hell. What color was the hair of the last person you kissed? Brown. Can you do a backflip? No. Where are the last three places you went? The TMS office, a gas station, and my sister's house. Do you consider yourself a flirt? No. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? I actually don't know, but at least close to 30 now for sure. I just know we were both in high school, but he failed I think two years. What’s something that makes you feel more creative? Music. Who has the best personality on YouTube? Guess who, lmao. Which YouTuber seems uber-confident? Mark is a very confident person. I envy 'im for that. What is the funniest YouTube video you have ever seen? I watch YouTube like... constantly, so I've seen thousands upon thousands by now. I really don't know. Have you ever been inside a Victorian mansion? No, but that's like a dream marriage venue for me. What was the most boring field trip you ever want on? I don't think I ever had a boring one. Man, I miss those. Do you enjoy watching videos of babies being born? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Does ANYBODY? Are you a hoarder? No. If you were rich, what things would you get done cosmetically? I would say liposuction, but I honestly want to lose the weight myself. If/when I lose the weight I want to, I am 110% getting loose skin removal at LEAST on my stomach because I feel hideous with it. Also if I achieve my weight loss goals, I want to get a breast lift. Weight loss-related things aside, I'm pretty serious about getting laser hair removal on my legs because I HATE shaving and my legs are VERY hairy, and the hair is dark, so I'm extremely self-conscious about it. Are you the type of person who asks a lot of questions? It depends on who I'm asking. With some people, I'm afraid to look stupid if I ask too many. How many states have you visited in your lifetime? If you're excluding the ones I've merely driven through as well as lived in (which is only one), I've visited Ohio, New York, Florida, Virginia, Tennessee, and Illinois, so six. I MAY have been to Michigan as a baby, but I don't remember. What is your biggest fear for the future? Ending up homeless after Mom passes. I'm scared my family will give up on me, which is completely unrealistic, but I'm terrified of living on the streets. Do you like seafood, or not so much? I only like shrimp. Have you ever cried from being so nervous? Oh, certainly. What is your favorite book series, if you have one? Hm... of all series I've ever read, probably the Shiloh trilogy. I adored the books and the movies. Have you ever had a parasite before? NO NO NO NO NO, DON'T MAKE ME IMAGINE THIS. I am PETRIFIED of parasites. Do you have a big heart when it comes to animals? Absolutely! Have you ever put your pets in a kennel for a while? I actually don't remember? It's possible when we've gone on an extended vacation, but I'm unsure. Whenever we've gone somewhere, friends have normally taken care of our animals. Where is your favorite place to buy clothing? Hot Topic or Rebel's Market. Do you enjoy listening to older music? I love classic rock and metal. What do you think is the most stupid song out there right now? "WAP" for fucking sure. I haven't even heard the whole thing, and I don't EVER want to. As a child, did you ever want to become a mermaid? Nah. Ariel was my favorite princess, but I wasn't obsessed with mermaids or anything. Can you compose sentences in any other language than your own? Some German, yes. Mainly just the basics. Have you ever met someone who was really racist before? Yes, many. -_- Do you have any celebrity autographs? No. If you could be a Disney character for a day, who would you be? Maybe Kiara from TLK. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? Black. Did you ever build furniture forts as a child? Oh yeah, lots of times! I sometimes even pretended they were burrows and I was a meerkat, ha ha. What kind of dog is your favorite? I have a beagle bias. Do you prefer water or land? Land. Have you ever had a seizure? No. Do you plan on losing weight any time soon? Hunny, I've been trying to since 2016. -_- I lost like 70-ish pounds through 2017-2018, but recently I've gained almost like... all the weight back and it is upsetting beyond words. Have you ever been in a heated pool? Uh, a hot tub? Yes. Are you looking forward to anything? Getting Venus' terrarium, finishing TMS so I can maybe get a job, visiting Sara again... What was your GPA in high school? Over 4.0. Do you require a lot of private time? OH yes. What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life? I hope achieving a sense of accomplishment and becoming content with my hopeful career, marrying a fantastic partner, and having a family of lovely pets. If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? I'll go through the very few I deeply enjoy: 1.) Mozart in Meerkat Manor; 2.) probably Hyde from That '70s Show; 3.) perhaps Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist; 4.) Jerome from Ginga Densetsu Weed; and 5.) Shiro from Deadman Wonderland. Did you use to watch Blue's Clues? OH yes. I loved that show as a kid. Do you stutter when you get nervous? BADLY. Your lunch consisted of...? What DID I have... uhhh OH leftover pizza. What is your favorite kind of chips? Hot, crunchy Cheetos. What is the best way to tell someone that they stink? I wouldn't. Do you have any embarrassing usernames? Some from the past, yeah. Do you have a backpack in a shape of an animal? No. I found a meerkat one once, but it was way too small for me to use in school. :( I was so disappointed. Have you ever waxed your legs? No. I've waxed my upper lip and eyebrows, but especially with how long and thick my leg hair is, I think waxing there would be excruciating, so no thanks. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No, but I would if it had a cool design. Have you ever taught a little kid to flick people off? No, and I wouldn't. Children generally don't have a strong enough grasp on when profanity is appropriate and not. Have you ever itched yourself until your skin was raw? This is VERY common. Like right now, my right arm is the Sahara with how dry and raw it is. Do you always clear your history after using the computer? Nah, got no reason to. Have you ever eaten a Big Mac? No, because I know I wouldn't like it; I don't like lettuce on my burgers. Do you feel like you’re judged for your looks? For my weight, yes. Name one world issue that upsets you. Just one? Poverty is high on the list. Just... no one should have to live like that. Do you like Wendy’s frosties? After they thaw a little bit, oh yeah. It's physically impossible to drink them for a good few minutes because they're so damn thick.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''cyanide'' by metallica

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beenjen · 4 years

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Motherhood monotony coming up! I don’t feel down or depressed about it, so maybe ‘monotony’ wasn’t the right word? Anywho. The little buggars grow so fast, I could almost weekly go through their clothes to thin the herd. So yesterday, I did just that with Lils. She’s going into size 2 and summer is winding down. I picked out the tighter stuff, things I’m over, and trimmed it down, exchanging 12-18 month pants and long sleeves with 2T. I have it all boxed up for my work girlfriend and it’s on my to do list to meet her at a gas station to pass it off this week while I’m off.

With Jamis, it was tax free weekend here. If you’re not familiar, Tennessee doesn’t have an income tax, but we have 9.75% state tax on most purchases. So twice a year they run tax free weekend and it’s centered around school but all stores do it or offer huge sales/discounts.

With him being in private school he has to wear embroidered polos and khaki pants/shorts as weather permits. I made him try on his pants and they were SO SHORT on him - I knew he had grown, but sheesh. So I ordered all new uniforms at 60% off, free shipping, no tax and then picked up clearance tees, jeans and shorts for next year - an entire year and a half wardrobe for $150! I feel that that’s as a good deal considering consignment sales are on hold here. Then after my Sunday morning yoga, we dropped Lils at her grandparents, masked up and took him to get some new shoes and a backpack. It was super special - he was SO EXCITED. It’s good too I think to have one on one time independently with them?

So I went through all his clothes and shoes and have another 2 boxes to pass to my cousins and another work gf for their kids. It feels like such an accomplishment? Over here being super mom because my kids pants will fit this fall? Hahaha to though, it is the little things like this that helps cull all the clutter? I even went through their closets and found old toys or baby stuff we don’t need anymore and it is a bit bittersweet to be moving out of this baby phase, it also feels really good to be cutting down on all the crap in the house that adds up and up and up.

I got in a yoga sesh this morning, jumping in the shower and headed to the hardware store to get some paint matched for trim touch up. It’ll be a room by room process. But I’m super excited about how fresh that will feel/look - we’ve lived her 8 years this fall and though we have painted walls, not the trim. It’s chipped and dinged all over the place and I’m looking forward to this small project actually.

We have Jamis’ birthday in 2 weeks and he wants a nerf theme. It’ll be small I’m comparison to past birthdays which is ok. It’ll just be grandparents and my oldest nephew and his wife. Some of my other family is either super quarantining where they won’t go out at all, or others go out more than I’m comfortable with then coming here. It’s actually nice for it to be something low key? We’ll make a fun cake together and grill out hamburgers and hot dogs. I picked him up some new footie pajamas as his are warn through in the feet and also getting too small. Then hubs picked out some ‘tactical gear’ for his nerf obsession and some more guns - he’ll have a good day.

Next week is the week where Lilith and Jamis will start back to their respective programs and I’m gunshy, excited, appalled, hopeful and sick all at the same time over it. As I’ve droned on and on about it, we have little choice, and the programs they are signed up for are very conscientious about the kids safety and have multiple safety measures in place. It’s just hard having to make this choice, it’s done though and I can’t wallow in it. Well I can, but it won’t change anything. This is what we have to do, the places they are going are as safe as possible, and that’s the absolute best option we have.

To make myself feel better, I did a pedicure. Lilith has the best time playing with the color bottles and did a facial for myself. My bestie is eloping, so tonight I’m headed up to help her try on some dresses she’s ordered online, we are going to have wine and gab. I had the strangest dream about it actually, that the dresses were all orange floofy monstrosities, I don’t know where that came from?

Just a bunch of free text here folks. Nothing to see haha xx

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trashcatsnark · 3 years

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Aidan's faceclaim is so beautiful! 💕😭 can you tell us more about her? She looks like she could kill me anytime, and I would thank her for it.

AHHHHH Thank you so much for showing interest in my gremlin! I know you’ve already read ‘em but for anyone curious I have written porn with Aidan over on my writing blog; x and x. But I will happily talk more about my disaster child! Thank you!!!! Some sort of basics, full name is Aidan. V. Becker. Most people know her by V, she hides her real name and generally tends to wear a mask when doing her jobs. At the beginning, Jackie, Mama Welles, and Misty are the only ones who know her real name and call her by it. Johnny gets added to that list when he finds his way into her brain because...really hard to hide things from your brain worm.

Part of the secrecy with her identity is because her former nomad group The Herd does not take kindly to defectors/traitors as they consider them. While, Night City is somewhat safer, yeah Night City is actually the “safe” option for her, because The Herd is a nomad group expressly banned from entering due to their violent darwinistic ideologies Aidan’s not stupid enough to think it’s impossible for Trackers from the group to find her. (can you tell I’ve put way too much thought into her former nomad group?)

Aidan went deaf around the age of ten due to a severe meningitis fever. She had to prove herself to The Herd, in order to not be killed for perceived weakness. She then had to continually prove herself by not being weak until finally around the time she turned 16 she was told she earned the right to have hearing aids. She learned sign language in that time; with her mother, sister, and friend being the only ones in the group who were willing to learn it with her becoming the only ones she could communicate comfortably with in the entire group. Despite her hearing aids making her able to hear extremely well, She still prefers to communicate through sign language and prefers not to verbally talk if she can avoid it. Her mask when she wears it is all fancy future tech that can translate her signing through a modulator, so she doesn’t have to speak.

Beyond those sort of backstory details; despite being a mercenary, Aidan is absolutely a case of looks like she could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll. In every day life she is not into conflict, she is not someone who’s gonna argue or fight unless it’s something serious. She much prefers to just play nice, get along. If she meets you and you’re not absolute trash; she’s already willing to die for you (which probably says more about how little she values her own life, but aye)

To add to her cinnamon roll points; growing up in the Badlands, being a nomad group that rarely even hung around the borders of Night City, only occasionally seeing billboards or gas stations, most interactions outside the herd being with random other nomad groups and being usually conflict based. Baby bean was not prepared for Night City. She wasn’t prepared for all the sexualization, she was not prepared for the crowds. Is she horrified? Is she amazed? Yes. The first time an ad moaned at her she jumped out of her skin and hid behind Jackie; he thought it was hilarious, she doesn’t want it ever mentioned again, thank you.

This got really fucking long, I’m so sorry I never shut up, but thank you so so much for your interest, I’m always happy to talk about my ocs, it really means a lot to me!

#cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #aidan becker #also yes her nomad groups ideologies and name are based off an even more extreme version of jacob seeds philosophy in fc5 #that game is part of my personality at this point #casifer-fan

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bearsfakedthemoonlanding · 4 years

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Gender Queer: There’s a Few Memories that Stick to me that I’m Sure Don’t Mean Anything to Anyone Else

[Content warning: mild transphobia, drunk driving mention, mild homophobia, mentions of abusive relationship, F-slur used for self (second to last paragraph)]

I’m sixteen years old, sitting on the kitchen table while my mom tuts around in the kitchen. I haven’t come out yet, but I have cut my hair off. Julie Andrews pixie that my mom tried to fix, but it was too short to turn out anything but boyish. I think it’s starting to grow out, get a little shaggy. I didn’t have any idea how hair gel worked at that age. I was wearing baggy jeans and chucks and a green t-shirt that said “Meddle Not In The Affairs Of Dragons, For You Are Crunchy And Taste Good With Ketchup.” My favorite uncle got it for me. Mom is staring at me for a long time, and I finally turn to look at her and ask, what? what’s up? She doesn’t want to tell me, says I don’t want to know. I insist. She finally sighs and says, “Well, I was just looking at you, and for a moment I felt like I was looking at the son I could have had. That’s strange, right? I’m sorry.” She thought I’d be upset, like I didn’t know what I was doing, and while I felt bizarre it wasn’t because I was sad. It was because I was happy. She looked at me and saw a son, saw a boy, and something about that felt so right that I felt guilty. I shouldn’t have wanted it. I didn’t change anything, though.

Twenty-two years old. Work got out at seven-thirty, and I drove the hour and a half to a different time zone to the only gay bar within driving distance. Jackie’s in South bend. Or Vickie’s maybe. It’s dark, and I’m in a pick up truck and a black t-shirt. The city can be dangerous in certain areas and I’m anxious about everything I’m doing. Gay bars are different here than they are in Vegas. Still, I bolster myself up and go inside, walk with wide shoulders and heavy boots, trying to feel brave to be taken seriously.

It’s empty. The bartender is a gorgeous person with long hair and lipstick and rough hands. They laugh when I order a Seagram’s but oblige, and I torture myself trying to find a polite way to tell them how pretty they are. My not-yet-girlfriend texts me and tells me not to be such a baby, to have fun. I want to go home.

Then two people walk in, a man and a woman both shorter than I am, and they pass around a plate of vegan fudge that I’m dumb enough to eat even though it could easily be laced with something. I’m a disaster with weed, each and every time. I got lucky. The boy sits next to me with the girl on his other side, and she leans around him to flirt with me, hand on me knee and shoulder and neck, and he sits there and smirks at me. It’s not predatory. He doesn’t look at me the way I’m used to men looking at me, like I’m something pretty and easy and delicate. We arm wrestle. He leans his head on my shoulder. I feel like a man.

They dance with me, two more Seagrams and I’m no longer self-conscious, though I am blushing. She drags me around by the belt loops. He lets me put my hands on his sides. She pushes me against a wall, and kisses me neck, and he places a hand on my chest over my binder and seems happy to find it, which is not a response I’ve ever had before.

They tell me I’m the best of both worlds, half-way between a man and a woman, and that they’re bisexual and best friends and looking for someone to play with. I play for a while, safe there in the public eye and probably pissing off the regulars there for a quiet night. I tap out after four or five drinks and drive myself home, a little drunk, very unsafe, but absolutely glowing.

I’m eighteen years old, and in less than 24 hours I’ll be admitted to the hospital and put on a ventilator for pneumonia-- so obviously this memory is hazy. I’d gotten up at six that morning to get work done before school, I’d struggled through school, and I’d stopped at a gas station before work. There, I bought two doses of Dayquil, a coke, and a five hour energy. I slammed it all and clocked in to the job that I hated. It payed $6 an hour and was hardly enough to put gas in the beater truck I drove around everywhere.

I’m going through the racks, bending down to pick clothes up off the floor and rehang them. Goodwill was my personal nightmare. Every time I leaned over, my head spun and vision danced with black, and my heart would pound and skip so hard I was half-convinced I was dying.

Someone’s sweet little grandma drops something in front of me, and I stoop down to pick it up for her. She says, “Oh what a sweet young man!”

And the friend she’s with, another darling grandma, says, “No, no, that’s a girl.”

“It’s a boy.”

“It’s a girl.”

They argue back and forth, and I’m too dizzy and nauseous to be an active part of the conversation. I remember standing there doing my best to keep the floor from rocking underneath me while also glowing in adoration. I was wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt under my smock, and my baggy navy blue school trousers. I was an enigma, and I was overjoyed.

After work I would go back to school for play rehearsal-- my part was small, unimportant, a Pick a Little Lady in the Music Man-- so I spent most of the evening on the floor between seats listening to my friends talk. I would get so tired, head spinning and heavy and eyes burning, that I would have to lay down. Every time I was horizontal, my chest would heavy and coughs from the bottom of my gut would overwhelm me enough to have me right back up and doubling over. Eventually, someone dragged me up to our director, who sent me home. I insisted I could drive. I don’t remember anything between talking to her and being at the doctor’s office the next morning, suffocating behind a face mask and half-collapsed in the waiting room.

He was terrible. Sneaky, passive-aggressive, physically aggressive. He was rude to waiters and condescending. God only knows how I was stupid enough to waste so much time on him, let alone give him any power over me. It started with a loss of virginity, when he offered blatantly and my dumb-ass brain told me “it’s now or never.”

It was terrible. Should have known from that first night, when I went over to watch movies wearing sweatpants (men’s section), boxer briefs, and a pull over sweatshirt (hers). He said, “you really dress like this, huh?” He’d only ever seen me in workout clothes at our college sport club.

The thing about bad men is that it doesn’t matter what your gender is, if you have a vagina that’s all they see you as.

We were out on a date a few months in, bowling at a casino after grabbing dinner. He’d said to dress up, so I put on my nice black jeans and a button up shirt. He was disappointed. We argued over who got to pay the bill. I won, and he snapped something about how he didn’t have to waste his money at least.

We went bowling. Every bowling date I’ve gone on with men (3) have been absolute train wrecks in totally opposite ways. This time, we spend the night at odds with each other, as he takes it all seriously and tries to give me pointers, and I do trick shots-- sliding on my knees and bowling belly-down on the floor and spinning around with my eyes closed. He thinks I’m ridiculous, but I’m having fun.

We’re walking back, and he pulls his hand out of mine and sticks it in his pocket. He says “We look like homosexuals,” and I’m baffled, because at 20 years old I might be butch but I’m still a girl. He says, “You walk like a man, and why are you dressed like that?” He tells me I ought to grow my hair out, or at least put some makeup on. He asks, “Do you ever wear dresses?” Asks me to try and put in an effort.

I bought a dress a few months later, and I showed it to him. He frowned.

When I look in the mirror in a dress, I see nothing but a boy in a dress. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but when you’re not thinking of yourself as a boy it feels rather disheartening. I had some weird hope that the dress itself would transform me into a woman. I think he did too.

I didn’t wear that dress again until my twenty-first birthday celebration with my uncle. He came in from out of town to waste money on a elaborate, drunken celebration. He has money to waste like that. I dragged one of my friends along, my roommate since sophomore year, and it was the most drunk I had ever been and she was a sweetheart about holding my hand and leading me around and adjusting my dress every time the straps slipped down or I spread my legs too far. Nothing makes me feel like a fag quite as much as wearing a dress. I still don’t know how to feel about that.

In a way, I’m glad that he never saw me as “pretty.” I’m glad I managed to be such a disappointment, and to crawl my way out of it with my life in tact and his pride rather bruised. He deserved nothing less, but his gross comment-- his confusion, disgust-- still makes me grin when I think about it.

I’ve taken so much joy throughout the years in other people’s confusion about me. At nineteen I used to proudly say that my gender was “confusion.” To be fair, I am rather confused by it. So are other people. And in its own way, isn’t that rather wonderful?

#honorable mention i'm 15 and tell my boyfriend i'm going to try jacking off #he says girls can't call it that #and i tell him girls and boys are the same thing anyways #and how does he know i don't have a penis #dating men has been a very interesting experience #especially since every one of them expected me to be a girl #sorry boys #trans masc #trans masculine #trans boy #transgender #trans #lgbt #queer #nonbinary #memories

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bikeforlife · 3 years

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Bike Tour Blog

I honestly can’t believe I made it from the Pacific to Atlantic. This morning I woke up in my own bed for the first time since early February. Oh my god it felt so good. If a mattress maker wanted a testimonial, today would definitely be the day to get one from me. After 45 days straight of being on a bike it feels really good to be home.

On the first week we made from San Diego to Tucson Arizona. This section had some significant climbs through places like Alpine CA and Pine Valley CA and lots of desert riding in eastern tip of California and the state of Arizona. We camped in San Dunes CA where ATV’s are very popular and in places like desert view towers that had insane views of the Ko-Pah mountains. We also slept in a town park in small town in Arizona called Welton. I did snap my chain in Pine Valley but Tone was right there to help out. It was also the first time I rode my bike on the interstate and the first time I ever had rode a bike 10 miles straight downhill from the Ko Pah Mountains to Ocatillo California.

The next few week would take us through New Mexico and the beginning of Texas. The highlight of this section was the climb through the Gila National Forest on our way to Emory Pass. This section had absolutely breathtaking views and an abundance of nature. We climbed to over 8200 feet of elevation at the peak and went through awesome towns like Silver City NM and Hillsboro, NM. A couple days later we crossed the border into Texas at El Paso. This mammoth state would be approximately 1/3rd of the total miles we would cover. Many parts of the Us but especially Texas had recently experience significant weather event with snow, freezing conditions, and a failure of the local power grid. Fortunately we got to the state about a week after the weather had passed.

In Eastern Texas a significant portion of our miles would be on US highway 90. This would feature some awesome small towns like Marathon and Sierra Blanca Texas. The route also had remote areas of riding where there wouldn’t even be a gas station for 80+ miles. I found myself having more to think and unwind than at any part of my adult life. It was also during this stretch that we stayed at some great state parks. Seminole Canyon State Park and Lost Maples State Park in particular stood out to me. There is something magical about looking at the stars on a clear night without light pollution.

Eventually we went through Austin, Texas and I got to reconnect with my friends Jason and Max. After so much time pedaling through remote areas it feels really good to see friends and be in a city. Austin as a city has grown so much since I was there last. I ate great food during our off day and found an amazing bike mechanic that help me resolve a derailleur issue that had been lingering since San Diego.

We would hit a few more state parks on the eastern half of Texas and eventually crossed into Louisiana. After being in a very dry part of Texas the swamps of Louisiana offered a very different riding experience. For the most part the terrain was flat and the roads were in good condition. This part of the tour was special to me because of the amazing friends we made. During one week we stayed with Mandy in Deritter, LA and Perry in Jackson, LA. These amazing people took us into their homes and did everything they could to be helpful and make us feel at home. We were able to take a day off in New Orleans which was awesome. My friend Chris and his friend Bobby came down from from Jackson Miss and we all got a chance to hang. It was great to see Chris again after almost a decade of not seeing him. Hopefully I’ll make it to Mississippi at some point

The final stretch would have us riding through Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and Florida. During this time we met even more incredible hosts. Kellie/Mason in Bay Saint Louis and Dave/Stacy in Bagdad, Fl were both incredibly kind and generous. Thank you for everything. The ride took us through places like Dalphin Island, Alabama. I never knew there were islands in Alabama . They are absolutely gorgeous.

We stayed in a couple more awesome state parks in this stretch. In Bainbridge Georgia we stayed in the east bank campground operated by the army core of engineers. They gave us a site right by the water and it was a pretty magical experience. The final section of the tour featured a massive uptick in the number of bugs in these parks. I found that during camping were almost always under attack from mosquitoes or being visited by either argentine ants, caterpillars , or bees. Bug spray can help but sometimes you just have to cover every single bit of skin on your body.

During the final day push to the ocean Tone and I split up. The original route that we were using had us going through Jacksonville to Saint Augustine Florida. He wanted to stick to the route while I made a decision to go directly to Jacksonville which was more direct to the Atlantic Ocean. For me the final day was filled with a range of emotions and thoughts. Admittedly even 10 years later I still have some anxiety of my past medical condition. As i’m riding i’m feeling a huge sense of accomplishment and simultaneous release of anxiety/stress. To be able to survive a full coast to coast tour of the United States on a bike is the kind of proof that the only limitations are the ones I place on myself. I think about my life with Riana over the past 10 years and how fortunate we’ve been to be able to experience living in larger cities, traveling abroad, and getting to start our own business.

I think about how grateful I am to Tony for doing this tour with me. I’ve known him for 15 years and he’s always pushed me to do things outside my comfort zone. From helping me get first passport stamp, to hosting great events, to now riding through the US on a bike. Particularly on this tour he went above and beyond. He help me with mechanical issues which i’m not particularly good at, he lead our route navigation almost every day, he found places for us to stay, and helped lead us through all kinds of unique day to day challenges.

My tour came to a strange end. I was on my way to stay at my friends Stephanie’s house in jacksonville when I stopped at a convenience store. When I came out my bike and all of my gear was stolen. This included my passport, clothes, tent, sleeping bag, paneers, bike tools, food, journal, and more. I tried my best to look through the neighborhood and called the police but no luck in recovering any of it. As unfortunate as this situation is, I'm grateful it happened on the final day of the tour just a couple of miles from my friends house. I won’t let that person take away my memories and diminish the experience. They are worth infinitely more than the material value of the bike and my belongings.

As i’ve had a couple of days to relax before going back to work i’ve been reflecting on the experience more. I absolutely would recommend doing something like this to anyone I know for a few reasons. It’s a great way to decompress. You have time to actively think and it helps your focus significantly. The riding is tough but manageable. I only rode my bike on a couple training rides beforehand. I was also asked a ton of questions from people about my experience. So I wanted to answer them one by one below.

What did you eat?

Being a vegan on a bike tour has its challenges. I ate a lot of clif bars, peanut butter banana burritos, trail mix, , Fritos chips, subway Veggie Delights without cheese and Impossible burgers from Burger Kings. Honestly a lot of days on tour it was challenging to find vegan friendly dishes. Thankfully our hosts made some really nice home cooked vegan meals and every large city we visited had great vegan options.

Where did you sleep?

It was a mix of hotels, backyards , rv parks, state parks, town parks , and then random wild camping. On nights where it was too cold to camp we opted for hotel most of the time.

What gear did you have? This was my packing list before the bike was stolen.

Tools Bag

Park tool Allen key Hand pump Kevlar spoke Back up derailleur Baby wipes Chain scrubber Degreaser Spare tube x2 3 tire lever adjustable wrench Poncho Hand warmer Head lamp

Food Bag Varies but generally 3 portable camp meals Clif bars

Back paneer 1

Extra water plastic jug - Nalgene Sleeping bag (40 degrees) Sleeping bag liner. (10-15 degree etc) Micro fiber Towel Waterproof socks Large winter gloves Small gloves Zip ties

Back paneer 2 Short tech shirts (red and green) Socks (long wool, short cotton Medium wool Blue t shirt

-Toiletries bag

Deodorant dr Bonner liquid and bar soap, bug spray toothbrush toothpaste back up Masks Hand sanitizer

Electronics bag Solar charger Headphone and charger Cell charger Extra water container - 3 liter emergency

Duffle Sleeping pad Wind pants Under armour Long sleeve shirts (grey , black , blue yellow winter Jacket

What was the hardest part? I suspect every single rider will have a different answer to this . For me there were two things that probably equally as challenging. First and foremost there are large portions where people are not wearing masks. It was very demoralizing to be in situations constantly where people have made a conscious decision to disregard the health of others. Since the services were so spread out I found myself having to get food from places that have anti mask propaganda on their front door.

Secondly this tour really taught me that I am more comfortable in cities and around people. It was charming to spend days riding our bikes through farm country in remote roads but eventually it began to wear on me and I found myself crave cities. Also in cities the percentage of people wearing masks shot up significantly.

What was your favorite small town?

I really enjoyed Silver City New Mexico. It was a quirky mountain with good architecture and really nice people. There was also a very helpful bike shop, great co-op, nice motel, and the town was filled with cool art.

What was the weather like?

For the most part we had good weather. I would say were typically 50-60’s during the day on the first half but colder at night. We were able to avoid some of the extreme weather that hit Texas but still found ourselves that was a little too cold to camp in. Most of the biggest issue that would we would face would be consistent headwinds. After a first week full of tailwinds the rest of the tour would almost always deal us 10-25 mph headwinds.

How many issues did you have with your bike?

There are always some day to day issues but the most common were flat tires ( I think i had 5 throughout the trip), My front derailleur was a consistent issue. The fenders on the bike were kind of a pain. However for an old 80’s bike with an older drive train it held up pretty well. I would recommend to anyone thinking about touring to consider customizing their bike to their own needs as opposed to buying a brand new touring bike. There will always be maintenance.

How did your body hold up?

For the most part I wasn’t in a lot of pain on this tour. Everyone’s body is different. I found that if I got a majority of my miles during the morning I would do much better. However on days where we were riding until close to sun down i found myself in a lot of pain near the end of the day. Most commonly knees, butt, lower back, quads. Occasionally my hands would be numb on long riding days.

How long did it take?

45 days coast to coast. During that period we took 3 full days off and had a number of short days (30-40 miles). I’m told that this was a very quick trip as many folks take between 60-70 days to complete this route.

What would you recommend to someone doing this?

There are a million things but i’ll try to summarize here.

If you’re touring with other people try to have honest conversations in advance about things like how many miles you want to shoot for a day. How early in the morning do you want to start pedaling. Where you are you comfortable staying. What kind of timeline you’re under with work? What food you’re comfortable sharing. If you’re comfortable deviating off the route to save miles/time. Ultimately the more you and your riding partners discuss this in advance the less confusion you’ll have day to day.

With your work I would communicate to co-workers honestly how involved you want to be while away. Some have traditional jobs that allow them to totally leave work and decompress. In my case as an entrepreneur I found myself involved on almost daily basis with work. For me that was comfortable but for others it might take away from their experience.

I would also make sure that you have a good instinct for eating food even when you’re not hungry. I had to learn this throughout the tour as my food options were limited with a vegan diet.

I would recommend that you try to do some level of training in advance. On my first bike tour I did almost no training and I was in pain almost right away. On this one I did some cross training and some scheduled rides. It made all of the difference in the world as far as my day pain levels.

Would you do it again?

I don’t personally know if I would do a tour of this length again. While I enjoyed the experience and the bucket list aspect of it I found myself going through the motions on a lot of days. I think I would enjoy much more doing a tour of a 7-14 days. Possibly if I’m ever retired I may feel differently but the looming pressure of my career was a bit hard to get through mentally.

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sailorsilverladybug · 4 years

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Now that it's all over, I wanted to let you in on the past couple of weeks of my life. It's been rather stressful and hectic, and some of it rather frightening, so please bear with me. I doubt this is a surprise to any of you, but we are living in the middle of a pandemic.

Unfortunately, it is not under control. Not even close. And while I won't go into politics in this venue, I will say that I am both angry with how this has been handled in my country, and afraid of what the future will bring.

So, here goes. Last week my sister-in-law convinced me to go with her into one of the nearby cities to shop and go to a local casino (which practices social distancing and refuses entry to anyone not wearing a mask). We had been out before, and I needed things for the house, so I went. And I had a blast. We had a lot of fun and just got to hang out and spend time doing girl things.

But this past Friday, the 14th, around mid-morning, I started feeling ill. I had a headache that was nothing like my migraines or a stress headache. It centered just behind my eyes. I started to have a runny nose and felt strangely out of touch with my surroundings. Worse, I started having trouble breathing. I told my husband, who called his work and warned them he might be infected. Then we started calling the local hospital to find out about testing.

We registered to get tested. The woman who registered us said there would be a sign on the side of the primary care physician's office that we should call when we got there Monday. Because we live in a tiny rural town, the hospital only does testing between 9:00 and 12:30, Monday through Friday.

We had to wait until Monday to get tested. An entire weekend, wondering if I was going to get sicker and sicker. With my pre-existing conditions I was sure if I had Covid-19, it would be a death sentence.

Added on top of that, my husband totally lost it when I tried to talk to him about my wishes if something happened to me. He absolutely refused to listen and for a moment I thought he was going to throw himself on the ground and throw a real fit like our son did once when he was small. So, I started putting everything in order, just in case. I spent most of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday putting together my own memorial service, just in case. I made written notes to doctors and made sure our life insurance was all set.

All of this took an even bigger toll on me than the continued headache and the congestion. Then, probably because of stress, I started feeling sick to my stomach. It wasn't pleasant. The stress got so overwhelming, and nothing wanted to go right, and I was just ready to tear my hair out and run down the street screaming. That would have been a rather embarrassing arrest, so I'm glad I had some self-control.

While we were waiting for the testing to start, I worked for several hours to put together a back-tracing list that had everywhere I had been for the last three weeks, where my husband had been, and even the places I knew my sister-in-law had gone. Then, on Monday morning, at just before eight, Steve and I left to go and get tested. Since we were afraid of exposing anyone else, we walked (and I walked up a very big hill almost completely without help!)

By this point, I firmly believed I didn't have Covid-19, but I wasn't about to take chances with anyone else's health and safety. So we got to the hospital, saw the sign on the side of the primary care physician's building, and made the call that we were there... except, we hadn't found the right sign. The one we were reading was the one ON the side of the building. Not AT the side of the building. So, after my husband discovered our mistake (forty minutes on hold later), we called the second number and waited for a response.

Now, I'll be honest here... by this time, I was hot, tired, afraid, and just plain mad. I held it together, but I'm pretty sure my diatribe on anyone refusing to wear masks was heard ten miles away. By the end of my rant, both the others waiting in their cars to be tested had rolled up their windows (it went on for a REALLY long time).

Then a nice gentleman came out. I turned to my husband in a panic and made him promise he wouldn't let me bite the poor guy (which is a tendency I have when I am in extreme pain and a doctor gets too close). He walked us through what would happen and I asked if he would let my husband hold my head, partly to avoid biting him, and partly because Steve just makes me feel better. The man agreed, Steve leaned my head against his chest, and I sat on my walker and waited with my eyes closed for the torture to begin.

I'll be honest, while it totally sucked, it wasn't quite as bad as I had made it in my head. It felt like he was trying to tickle my brain, and I think I begged him to stop and said "oh S***" A LOT, but in spite of the discomfort, I survived it. Watching Steve go through it a minute later was almost worse, because I knew how much it sucked. He had his hands fisted and was shaking the whole time. He was stoic about it, but afterwards, when I made the quip about tickling the brain, he said "more like drilling," and just shook his head.

The gentleman we had been speaking to (I call him a gentleman because he was incredibly kind and gentle) said we might have our results as early as today, which was both a surprise and a blessing, because without Steve going back to work, we weren't sure how we would even manage to get food next week, let alone pay our rent, electric, and other bills, or set money aside for winter heating.

We were on our way back when my sister-in-law (Steve's brother's wife) drove past. She yelled at us to stay where we were, and we did, because we were friggin' exhausted by this point. She picked us up and drove us home after taking her own test about ten minutes later.

So, we waited. Now, I'll be honest. By this point I was about 98% sure that none of us had Covid-19, but we didn't take chances. Steve works in a grocery store. Sometimes he is stocking shelves, sometimes running a register, and sometimes he is out at the fuel island (the store gas station) pumping gas for people, and taking their money. So we knew if he went to work he could expose a LOT of people. We were very careful.

At 9:00 on the dot this morning I received the phone call telling me that I was Covid-19 negative! I bounced in my seat through the whole call. She didn't have Steve's results yet, so we waited. Around eleven, my sister in-law got her results. And then around one Steve got his. None of us are infected, thankfully. Steve called his work and let them know he is free to return (not a moment too soon) and will be going back tomorrow.

In the meantime, all the things we couldn't do because we had to self-isolate need to be taken care of, including several errands like getting dog food. So he has been rushing around getting things done all afternoon. Then I sat down and started writing, because that is just how I process things. I put on some music and just let my fingers fly over the keyboard.

My week sort of sucked, but the bright side is, I don't have Covid-19. Now that you know that, it's time I got into a subject that has really been bothering me. If you don't want to read further, you don't have to, but I really wish you would, and that you would spread the message along.

Every single person who chooses to wear a mask in spite of the annoyance it causes, is a hero to me. Every one of you who has gone without going to the club, who hasn't been going to church, who hasn't done any of the other things that happen in big groups. All of you who have been frustrated, but who know that your actions can either protect or harm other people... You are all heroes. You make a difference. Just as much as necessary workers. Just as much as doctors and nurses. You are heroes.

For those of you who don't wear masks, social distance, or use proper protection procedures, I am begging you, don't let this disease take away what you hold dear. Be safe, be smart. Listen to the doctors and nurses. Listen to the people begging you to wear a mask. Don't put yourself (or your loved ones) through what I just experienced.

Each time you get out of your car to go in a store, put a fresh mask on. Each time you touch something that has been touched by other people, use hand sanitizer. Stay at LEAST six feet apart. Wash your hands constantly, and thoroughly, for at least 20 seconds. Avoid touching your face (or the outside of your used masks!) and be very careful.

You don't want to go through the worry and the fear that you might have been exposed. But more than that, you don't want to be worried that you gave Covid-19 to someone you love. Please, be careful, be kind, and be safe. I don't want to lose you from this world. Every single one of us is special and has a purpose. Don't let your light go out. Take care of yourselves, and the rest of us.

Now, I'm going to climb off my soap-box and go do something completely unrelated to death and dying for a few hours. I might play a video game, or write a funny story. I might blast some music and sing off-key (loudly). Who knows. All I know is, I've had enough of fear and death to last a lifetime.

I wish you all well. God bless you.

Tori

Sailor Silver Ladybug

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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 4 years

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I’m back from the “once every two weeks shopping” **, so time for the Eastern NC Covid-19 update. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short. I didn’t get breakfast or lunch and still have to cook supper. Hunger can keep me from being my usual long winded self!

Well, since I last shopped North Carolina made masks mandatory in public. Lots more people were wearing them, so that’s good. Still, there were plenty not wearing them. I think, like giving up on expecting social distancing around here, I might as well just accept that a percentage of the population absolutely will not wear them and no store will want to enforce it.

I’ve gotta confess, I went in a place myself without one. It was purely by accident. I take my mask off to drive, which isn’t just comfortable but also safer since the mask migrates up my face. As I reached the gas station where I buy kerosene a thunderstorm was blowing up, so I was in a hurry to get the kerosene. If I didn’t get it then it would be a 20mile round trip in a few days from now...or live no hot water. I ran into the store to pay and only realized I’d forgotten because I could actually breathe! I apologized.

About the breathing thing, I know the experts say that masks cause no problems for breathing, but they sure the heck do for my fragile lungs.

I think it is largely that condensation that quickly builds up. Unlike most folks, I can’t get enough oxygen through my nose so I am stuck breathing through my mouth, which probably makes the inside if my mask damper. The already hot and humid climate doesn’t help. My lungs don’t do well with all sorts of things (smoke, perfume, car exhaust, deoderant, cleaning products of all sorts, etc) but humid air can trigger trouble for me.

So for me wearing a mask can make breathing a struggle. I get light headed, develop a headache, and my chest starts to ache. It’s bad enough I can find myself cutting my shopping short just to get outside where I can tear off the mask and gasp for air. Honestly, I’m flopped my my air purifier recovering right now, and my lungs still ache.

You will notice that I DO wear a mask anyway! People that don’t have any underlying lung trouble don’t have a damned excuse if someone like me is willing to suffer to wear one. “It’s uncomfortable”, huh? Well I wear ons even though it actually causes me pain and makes me worry I might pass out. Excuse me if I have little sympathy for you healthy lunged foks!

“Groot guy” checked me out at Walmart, and he told me about some very cool sounding Marvel related masks he’d gotten. I am so envious! I tried to get a Doctor Who mask months ago, but it seems to have fallen through. People have some amazing masks, but I have a choice between “hurriedly made of old fabric with crap sewing skills” or “oh well, at least it was very cheap”. Still, at least very cheap boring masks are easily available now.

Anyway, point is, I think the local population is settling in to this Covid-19 world. People following the recommended precautions will never be as high in my rural county, but at least as long as the state governement requires it the slight majority are going to try.

I’m not exactly encouraged, but I’m not as discouraged as last shopping trip.

**I’d say bi-weekly, but folks might think I meant twice a week. Languages can be weird!

#covidー19 #covid 19 #coronavirus #eastern north carolina #north carolina #eastern nc #nc #my day #shopping

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