#i wasn’t wrong now was i. but the switch happened and tumblr went to twitter. twitter sucks. then we all fled here. again.

[unknowncallers-world]

About a year ago, I wrote things about my ex that weren’t true. I was just so fucking numb I didn’t know what tf was going on. About a year ago, she was with Alyssa. And Alyssa dmed me telling me I was treating Taylor like shit and I was saying things I shouldn’t be saying. At the time I was hanging out with Shannen and I told Alyssa I was taken, which she didn’t believe. I mean I wasn’t taken. I lied. I lied about everything because I felt like everyone was better off without me but at the same time I didn’t want to feel like I did anything wrong. I was such a shit person. I still can’t believe who I was a year ago. Last year I started my med school rotations. I was happy with Taylor. Then something changed and I just became depressed and I refused to admit I needed help. We broke up. Of course that wasn’t all my fault. But the rest of it was. I couldn’t give Taylor space. I fucking wrote her a love poem. I fucking stalked her on twitter and tumblr. I would type her name in on Snapchat and ig to see if she unblocked me. Everything was a fucking mess. I was a fucking mess. I was so depressed. Not even the gym could help. I was eating like shit and too depressed to workout because I couldn’t stand to be in my own head. But then I got help. I got meds. And I worked on myself. I got better. I tried to heal. But once that started, I realized all of the ducking mistakes I made were it’s Taylor. I saw how shit and wrong I was and all I wanted was her back. Then randomly in November, i was checking like I always did to see if I was still blocked and I wasn’t. I remember writing on here that I wouldn’t reach out to her after everything that happened in hopes she was still reading this and would reach out. That same night I was dreaming about her and tbh I love dreaming about her because it’s like the only connection I have left. But that night it was like 1am. She followed me and dmed me. I thought maybe this was our chance. The next day or maybe a couple days later she asked what I was doing. She randomly called me and we talked for a few hours. Right after that I had therapy and I knew I still loved her. I wanted to tell her so bad. So i did and she didn’t say anything. I tried so hard not to care. But eventually I just pretended like nothing happened. We started dming more everyday. We started being friends on switch and playing Minecraft together and we would talk on the phone. Then over thanksgiving she went to Arizona where I’m assuming she met her current girlfriend. I told her I loved her again. She didn’t say anything. About a week later she wrote me back. I still have that screenshot to this day, 8 months later. It was during the World Cup and all I said was that it was ok. She said she rooted for Messi for me and I said thanks. Then she started posting about Jackie more. One of the hardest things I did was to unfollow her. Eventually I went back to Illinois and I had a rough few weeks. I felt shitty. But eventually I started making new friends and going out more. I became happy. I met J who ended up being my girlfriend. I mean I asked her to be my girlfriend. I told her I loved her first. She visited me in Philly. I’m visiting her in Chicago in a few weeks. We talk about living together and all I can think is why do I feel more brave now to be with my girlfriend than I did with Taylor. Of course it was because taylor was my first girlfriend well my first relationship and I didn’t know what to do. But lemme say I haven’t gone one fucking day without thinking about her. We matched and talked on Snapchat in December 2020. I remember seeing her stories when she was in Greece randomly. I remember always liking when she would check out my story. Then when we matched again September 2021 and started talking again, i was in shock about how it was turning out. We don’t follow each other on ig but not a day goes by where I don’t randomly type in her name. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her. Not a day goes by where I low key hope they break up because I want her back. That won’t change. It will never change.

[starsstillshine]

i told my boss during intern on-boarding today that i’ve been perpetually online since I was 12 and it is now almost a decade later. he was shocked? concerned? amazed? to say the least

#unrelated tag #not spn #tumblrcore #look. he was right. #it was after a really fun training on how our environments shape us as youth #and i was like ‘oh yeah i was the person who put ‘online’ as a shaping environment’ #explained internet friends and how i’ve have some mutuals on twitter for almost 8 years now #everybody else in the training were career nonprofit people who were solidly gen x and were like yeah i played in the dirt as a kid #the superiority complex of making dirt pies yet still doesn't know how zoom works. pick a struggle #truly i don’t think my fav space (twitter) is as loved as it once was and i’m getting soft for tumblr #which is quite funny bc i refused to make a tumblr back in the day bc i thought that brand of fan girl was awful #i wasn’t wrong now was i. but the switch happened and tumblr went to twitter. twitter sucks. then we all fled here. again. #anyways. he was astonished and actually thinks my experience growing up online is valuable to the populations (youth) we serve #this was the first time anyone adult-wise has told me my formative online years weren't useless but actually a tool. it felt really good ngl #intern #internship #intern life

[fandom-sheep]

MCC 18 SEP 21

Yellow Yacks and Cyan Coyotes with a little Aqua Axolotls. Part 1/1

The only reason I didn’t forget MCC was because I got the notification for Eret.

I have Wilbur on my TV. I’m going to watch Eret on my phone. And I’ll have Tommy on my iPad probably.

Wilbur throwing a tantrum and saying he won’t play.

I feel like a true Gen Z member with my multiple screens of minecraft.

I’m only just getting the Wilbur notification.

I love watching everyone run around before MCC and scale things.

Griefing the thumbnail. 😂

Wilbur just causes problems on purpose when it comes to group photos doesn’t he.

He just loves finding ways to cause problems.

Wilbur got a coconut!?!

I didn’t mean to type the question mark originally. But I am a bit confused.

Wilbur just stocking up on coconuts

True friendship is a quote book. I have several.

Baby banana boo.

Wait. I heard the word tumblr

Scott what did you do with tumblr?

I’m scared. Only Eret permitted on tumblr.

I remember watching hole in the wall as a tv show as a kid.

Wilbur’s glasses that don’t do anything.

There are September discounts for subbing?

Neato.

The conversations in my work discord are something else.

Not surprised that Wilbur is going for top swearer of MCC

But my residents are going to walk by my door and judge me.

Alright I apparently wasn’t signed in to twitch on my iPad and it took me entirely too long to learn to remember it.

Tommy looks like he’s really concentrating. Oh wait never mind.

Wow the yaks are in first currently. I might be cheering for a winning team for once.

Alright I have my iPad split screen between Tommy and the MCC website.

Everyone break the elevator!

In the game, not in the building I work. I don’t want that paperwork.

Stick together and place many block.

I’ve been in Wilburs position. “I’ll be captain” “yeah let’s let Wilbur be captain”

Not a single POV I have up is synced. But that’s life.

Oh not starting out strong.

Just keep going. Ignore the falling people just like ranboo last time.

We are at the absolute bottom for this game.

Where’s a bag of popcorn or something?

“Stay down there. That’s how I won that one time” -Ranboo

Down they go.

They didn’t have anywhere to run.

Second round!

Oh that wasn’t their best idea. It was fun seeing Erets POV of that.

Go Teams.

Turning down the volume on yellow yacks to listen to aqua axolotls.

Aqua please. You have so much potential.

Nope.

Switching audio again.

Yellow back at the bottom.

Ranboo ranboo ranboo ranboo

Down he goes. 😂 the timing of that was funny.

Please. Don’t die

Wilbur. Scott. Please.

Scott uncovering the creeper.

Their plan is literally just sit and be.

To be fair that’s my plan for everything I do.

Oh cobwebs are smart.

I’m eating very salty Chick-fil-A chips and need water.

We are still doing ok. Wow.

Cobwebs man. The real MVP.

They are still in 10th

COBWEBS!!! And Wilbur standing on the edge of a block.

THEY WON THAT?!?!!!!

It moved them from last to eight. But still. Wow.

Holy cow. How did that happen.

I always forget what the acronym game is.

Oh yeah. Wilbur snuck and found this. I remember.

Go team!

Oh the website updates faster than the game. But we’re starting off decent.

I’m going to have to take back that statement aren’t I?

Go go go go

Fly fly fly fly

Build build build build

Go Wilbur!

Rafter strat.

Wilbur found the rafters and everyone else loved it.

Blocking his own jump. 😂

I really should do the inside joke chair emoji thing for laughing. But I don’t care.

Tiktok is nice. Depends on the side you are on, but it’s nice.

We are doing halfway decent. I’m proud of us.

Wilbur is struggling and I think he might cry.

Not bad. I don’t think.

Power sweater.

This game in MCC has rainbow road vibes

I’ll have to make that it’s own post since I feel that’ll be popular ish.

Holy cow we hit first on the website!! How?

Ranboo sweet one.

They said no peaking to Wilbur.

Wilbur making them block stuff off and the like is so funny.

Run yaks run!

I missed the moment Wilbur just mentioned. Oh well I’m sure I’ll see the clip.

First last first.

Hey 4th overall. Look at em.

Wilbur switching to full screen to show us his M&Ms.

Let me balance my water bottle on the bedpost above my head. No way this could possibly go wrong in multiple ways.

Double coins. Gorgeous.

Chickens are being sniped.

What’s going to work? TEAM WORK!

I don’t think I have ever watched a game of grid runners in my life?

Alright game should start any second because it started on the website.

Alright stream is delayed about 13 seconds.

Go teams go!

Wilbur just sniping targets.

We’re doing ok.

All this dirt.

Go go go

We’re completing things first.

Cake!

Wilbur got in!

Now they eat

Oh but they are falling.

Oh wow the painting is complicated. My friends and I would fail to communicate so fast.

Is this lever thing just find the button but complicated?

Go you got the levers!

Items grab!

My friends and I would seriously struggle unless I was allowed the lead. But I would lead us off a cliff.

Everyone get ready to go in as soon as the cake is done.

Exit! You guys are so close! Please!

Woohoo!

Go Ranboo! Go Scott!

Come on guys. Come on. Good communication.

I think I like watching Wilbur with MCC because he had a similar strategy to what I would do.

Wilbur why did you try to act cool!!!

They keep saying they are miles ahead but not according to that scoreboard.

You placed 3rd. Good job y’all.

I’m excited for bonuses.

They have another minute until the others run out of time.

Good soup.

Oh wow. Ranboo and Wilbur really are always totgehe.

We are doing well. I see the board changing on the website so much.

Where will they land.

Looks like 2nd or 3rd

Fourth overall. Not bad.

Lap time is logical.

Audience vote?

Look at me redownloading twitter.

Can you not see how others have voted on twitter?

Oh there it is. It only showed mine for a sec there.

Battle box looks close. I voted ace race.

Oh it all looks close right now.

Long break my beloved.

I don’t have time to start my laundry but still. My beloved.

Game 5/8 so MCC won’t be too much longer.

I look up and Wilbur is shaking his ass at George. I’m not surprised.

Phil and Sneeg judging Wilbur.

Wilbur twerking on Phil and Sneeg joining.

Poor Phil.

Wilbur just having visited so many random places with so many random words just gathered.

Oh wow parkour tag is low. But so is sands.

Oh wow it was a tie. Between Sands and Parkour

“Wilbur is Sand Daddy” -Scott and then all the agreement noises.

Sands of Time is my favorite practical game

Maybe because Wilbur is really good at it. And Ranboo had been trained by him.

This is just good.

I swear Sand daddy is going to kill me during this.

I am just going to pass away.

My stream delay though.

Wilbur who says he stays very quiet as he makes circus music noises.

Minecraft Rhinos. Because I can’t spell their real name.

I don’t quite understand sand of time. But I like watching. It’s like college football.

I am missing the only college football game I care about for MCC.

Go Team.

No blue yet.

All the mobs.

“You better not die” sung to the tune of Santa clause is coming yo town. -Wilbur

Keep it up guys.

Oh no. They lost the key.

Oh good they found the key.

You can tell Wilbur had a musicians brain. He just hears something vaguely lyrical and starts singing a song.

Gotta promote your band whenever you can I guess.

I listened to the last Ep for like an hour and a half yesterday while I went about my day.

I wonder how we’re doing?

Only a few seconds.

I could warm a heating pad in the amount fo time they have left.

Ranboo doing these puzzles so amazingly.

Quit caring about what others think. Just do your thing.

I swear the sand daddy thing.

I love the cage of shame for not tracking your sand.

I zoned out. Red cyan orange?

We’re almost 15 minutes into sands.

I want to play Minecraft on my iPad right now.

Wait the website updated. We were 6th?

Yikes. I thought they did better.

3rd overall though!

Wait what was that about most influential improv thingy? Good for them.

Build mart!

Oh Ace Race. Wilbur calling Ace Race his girlfriend now.

I want to see the enemies to lovers fan fictions of Ace race and Wilbur.

Oh wait I can do that. I can verbally tell one like I have others in the past.

I’m excited to watch this.

Wilbur flirt with the race.

I’m not mentally prepared for this.

Everyone just joined because they don’t want to miss Wilbur x Ace Race.

Oh no. He’s not doing so well.

Oh Wilbur is giving us more.

Complicated history…

Whispering to Ace Race and Solidarity.

You’ve got it Wilbur.

Keep on talking. Keep your brain busy while you play.

Mommmm Wilbur is flirting with Ace Race again!

He’s whispering though so I can’t quite hear it and will have to find a clip channel that added subtitles.

Oh teams are changing on the website.

“What are you doing in my women Philza?” -Wilbur

“I will end your bloodline which is canonically also me.” -Wilbur

I can not track all the quotes from this. That’s beyond my abilities.

Wilbur did halfway decent, but it still uncomfortable.

Ace Race is a person now. Also the fact that Wilbur compliments Ace Race so much.

Sally v. Ace Race.

I want to find that fanart now.

Scott honey. Confirmed cannon is everyone fancies the fish.

4th. Not bad.

We’re still talking Ace Race x Wilbur

Build mart! My dearest buildmart!

I miss them sliding around in the sleds.

Grab da flowers!

We’re in 1st at the minute.

Come on yaks!

No coyotes!

Hurry hurry hurry.

Work discord going it’s thing again.

Oh we’re dropping fast.

Move the redstone! Thank you

Alright back on top. Keep it up.

Nevermind.

I love the way the build spaces for the different teams work.

Who is the person on the build?

Oh first again? Nevermind.

Oh we popped up to second. We’re so behind. Come on.

Duck!

Good soup energy. Now all I can think is the bi wide energy song.

Time is running out.

Yeah we aren’t catching up to first. Just hold second.

Where is granite?

Game over.

Third overall now. Not bad. Last game time they can possibly pull it into dodge bolt.

I need to go get a picture with the President of the university for a game with my work.

Good Soup.

I’m sitting here making popcat noises while waiting.

Game time! Go team! Survive!

Wait where did the steamer go? I wasn’t paying attention.

He’s back.

He’s swearing for his points on the swearing list.

Is pee a soup? No. I don’t think it’s think enough under normal circumstances.

Karl is apparently swearing according to Twitter. Good for him. He deserves to swear some as a treat.

Everyone running and leaving shubble.

Oh good they are all together.

Just keep running.

4th so far.

Cars. Beep beep.

Ranboo breath child.

Calling Wilbur like some kind of golden retriever.

Bow boy

Scott is leader now. Because otherwise they are arguing.

We are playing the don’t die strategy.

Come on team.

Did I put my cut in this post? I did.

Ranboo having stolen the airdrop. And he has a thing!

Oh the boarder is right behind them.

They are fighting Dream?

Nice Will.

We’re in fourth.

Boarder is right there.

Sapnap? Nope.

Pink attack and they book it.

Oh no. There goes Wilbur.

Is it just Scott?

Scott vs the world.

Just Organe and pink. They came third.

GO ORANGE!

Please. Please let us do it.

Overall third. Pink overtook yellow.

Sadness.

Ranboo has achieved: Found Hated Game

Ranboo has been hit by Survival games so many times now.

If they had just lasted a tiny bit longer they would have come second.

Cheering Orange I suppose.

I have no skill at picking winner POVs.

I have 3 teams I was at least kinda watching. And none of them are in dodgebolt.

Gosh can hear Ranboo tweaking.

Wow. Yellow yaks just as a team twerking.

What is Wilbur chewing on? Wilbur don’t chew on things that probably aren’t meant to be chewed on.

I can hear the band outside of my window. I think my campuses football game is starting.

The drum line practiced outside my window all the beginning of the semester so it’s fun seeing them march to the stadium.

Oh and there are the cheerleaders.

Oh right I was watching MCC! Who’s winning?

Come on Orange. So close.

Wait I looked out my window. Why is the band walking back to where they were?

Along the sidewalk?

I thought it was game time for a minute.

Oh dodgebolt could go either way.

Distracted by Jesus.

Grian! You got this!

Nice Grian.

Oh Grian has a chance!

Oh!

Oh!

It’s so close!

Ooo ooo!

I’m so invested.

I SEE THE CONFETTI IN THE SITE! But I don’t want to miss the shot.

Come on Grian.

I know you do it. But you’ve got this

YESSSSS

Woo hoo!!

That was a good MCC. Now to do the chores and homework I originally planned to do today.

That was a nice stream.

Scott is separating Ranboo and Wilbur?

Please. Scott.

Don’t separate the beings.

You know. Twitter needs to politely bully Scott into keeping Ranboo and Will together.

Oop and that’s Wilbur done. That was fun.

See y’all next time!

#mcc #wilbur soot #ranboo #Scott #dangthatsalongname #shubble #yellow yaks #delayed liveblogging

[protectwoc]

why all reylos are racist

y’all can go ahead and cancel me now because some of you are not going to like what i have to say and i am completely okay with that.

this recent gq interview with john boyega has incensed me. hearing all the things he went through, from disney and from “fans” and with no support from anyone… i’m livid. sometimes when i think about it for too long i start shaking, i’m so furious. and the response from the reylo fandom has infuriated me to a degree i honestly didn’t know was possible.

some of you may have seen my recent tumblr rampage. it’s reylo bullying hours here on my blog, and i’m not sorry either. one person threatened to post screenshots of my comments, which like… okay? i know what the fuck i said, it wasn’t that long ago. in fact i was going to include the screenshots in this post right here, but they blocked me before i had the chance. sorry. i’m sure somebody has them. anyway…

over the past two days in the star wars fandom we have seen something unprecedented: an outpouring of support for john boyega. both reylos and anti-reylos have joined forces to voice support for john in the wake of the gq interview (and the blm protests, let’s be real, some of y’all would not have given half a fuck if it wasn’t suddenly cool to be antiracist). and this showing of unity is one of the most rage-inducing things i’ve ever seen in a fandom (which is saying something; i have seen some shit).

reylo fandom, full offense intended, but where the fuck do you get off? you’re supporting john now? where was this support when tfa came out and you couldn’t stand the thought of him next to your white-girl-self-insert? where was it when tlj came out and your boy ryan completely sidelined him? where was it earlier this fucking year when y’all twisted a harmless joke (like yall haven’t spent years writing reylo-throne-room-sex-meta BULLSHIT) and ignored the vile racist shit coming from your own fav’s mouth? but you’re supporting him now? now that being antiracist is trendy? fuck outta here with that bullshit.

your fandom is the reason for the vast majority of the absolutely subhuman treatment john has endured over the last few years. your fandom influenced ryan (yes i know what his name is) to write tlj the way he did, you have behaved indefensibly here on tumblr.hell writing and drawing and fantasizing about all sorts of racist bullshit, and y’all have STAYED in his twitter mentions spewing hatred seven ways to sunday. but NOW, without a shred of self-reflection, you’re supporting him? now his experiences are valid?

the way that your fandom refuses to take accountability for its actions makes me see red. y’all stay on some “not all reylos” nonsense and i am SICK OF IT. i’m only gonna say this once, and i want you to hear me: you cannot be a reylo and be “antiracist”. you cannot participate in a fandom that has behaved the way yours has and say “blm, uwu acab.” you can’t. like do you think black people are dumb? that we can’t see right through you? we can.

“but rae,” i hear you whining. “you’re gonna say just because i like two characters together i’m a racist?” and of course not. that would be ludicrous. i think just because you knowingly engage and participate in a fandom that has racism encoded in its dna, you’re a racist. i think because y’all are in bed with racist harassers, racist trolls, and racist content creators, you’re a racist. that’s what the fuck i think. y’all lost the right to “it’s just a ship” me the instant you dragged john boyega into this.

here’s an example: i watched tfa about three days after it came out. i watched the first half, saw the obvious relationship set up between finn and rey, and thought, “aw, cute.” then i watched kylo and rey fight, watch him offer to teach her, and thought, “... interesting.”

when i got home i checked tumblr for finnrey content, saw the outpouring of love from black fans, all the cute fanart and fics blooming, and smiled. then, slowly, guiltily, i searched “reylo.”

BOOM. racism. the things i saw in the tag that night are tattooed on my brain. reylos rejoicing about the obvious rey/kyle pairing because “sw would never put her with that monkey finn”. calling him an “oaf”, “useless”, “bumbling”, “stupid”. reylos joking about how “when they talked about the Dark side, [they] didn’t think they meant that kind of dark.” “woke” reylos pretending to ship stormpilot in an obvious ploy to get finn away from kylo. and in between all of that, cute ship art. fun fics. talented gif makers. and nobody saying shit about the reprehensible behavior going on in their tag.

reylo is built on a foundation of racism. from that first week, racism has been woven into the fabric of your fandom, and it’s been going unchecked. and i don’t mean calling out other reylos. that’s not enough. i mean taking actual steps. y’all have been sitting in a cesspool of racism for five years, and its time for you to get the fuck out or shut the fuck up about being an “ally”. y’all need to leave this fandom.

don’t agree? here’s another story. in 2017, when i still watched supergirl (before i grew taste) i shipped karamel. for those of you who don’t know, karamel is the ship of kara zor-el (supergirl) and mon-el, her second love interest. when supergirl was moved to the cw for its second season, the decision was made to abruptly end her romance with jimmy olsen, played by mecahd brooks (a black man) and replace him with mon-el, played by chris wood, a white man, who was revealed to be, among other things, an alien slaveowner, as well as a playboy and all-around terrible person. and i shipped them. look, i’m not defending myself, but i never really bought the chemistry between jimmy and kara. even though mon-el’s introduction and the way that they carelessly disregarded kara’s feelings for jimmy made me uncomfortable, i thought the way melissa played her attraction to chris wood was more believable (and again, i’m not defending myself, but they are now married so it’s not like i was wrong). so i shipped them. simple as that, right?

well, no. not really. because the inherent racism in the way the writers wrote out her admittedly sweet romance with a black man in favor of a white slaveowner jerk kept bothering me. and finally i decided that it made me too uncomfortable to participate in. i never really reblogged any karamel fandom stuff, but i completely divorced myself from the fandom. i stopped reading karamel fic, and i switched to reblogging exclusively jimmy/kara content until the fandom died out/i stopped watching. i made a choice that real life racism is more important to me than a fucking fandom or a ship, and then i acted accordingly. simple as that.

and i’m not saying you have to stop liking the reylo dynamic. i still like the chemistry between kara and mon-el. i’ve shipped problematic ships before (bamon comes to mind) and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that (to a point). but there’s a difference between liking a ship dynamic and engaging and contributing to a fan culture of racism. you have to stop participating in the fandom. y’all are in bed with people indistinguishable from confederate-flag-waving-all-lives-matter-touting racists and you don’t feel the need to get out of that environment? there comes a certain point where you have to decide if fandom bullshit is more important to you than fighting racism, and unfortunately, reylos have chosen wrong. that, ladies and gentlemen, is why all reylos are racist, regardless of what they say. roll credits.

except i have more to say, so i’m gonna say it. first of all, i’m not trying to hold myself up as some kind of paragon of virtue. i’m not holier-than-thou because all my ships are “woke” or whatever. chemistry is subjective, and we’re all going to be attracted to different ship dynamics, and there’s nothing wrong with that in theory. what matters is the execution. i finally had to say one day, “you know, this ship and the racist baggage it carries is actually less important to me than battling systemic racism on every level, including the fandom level”. y’all thought being antiracist was gonna be easy? that you wouldn’t have to make some actual changes, to make some actual sacrifices? sorry not sorry to disappoint. and if i, a normal-ass person with flaws and problematic thinking that i’m still dealing with and the whole ine yards, can make that decision, then other people should be required to as well.

(what really irks me is that the karamel fandom wasn’t even really that bad! i definitely could have gotten away with being a karamel stan in 2017. thankfully the supercat and supercorp shippers were doing the lord’s work and bullying them into submission (don’t think i’m letting y’all off the hook either, y’all have got some racism to deal with as well but that’s an essay for another day) but like most of the racism happened at the writing level; the fandom itself wasn’t engaging in racist clownery on the regular. but like the reylos are. y’all see racist bullshit coming from your neighbor, fav fic writer, artist, gif maker, whatever, and don’t say shit? don’t feel the need to distance yourself from them? gtfoh.)

i made this argument earlier when i was on my rampage (which i’m still on btw so don’t clown in my inbox, you will get your shit rocked) but i’m going to make it again because i feel like its important to note. when i pointed out that existing in the reylo fandom while you are aware of its racism makes you complicit in that racism, a white reylo told me earlier that (paraphrasing, my memory’s not as good as it used to be and i did mention that they’d blocked me) “you don’t solve a problem like systemic racism by ignoring it. leaving the fandom would be allowing it to happen.” when i pointed out that that’s police officer rhetoric almost verbatim, she (a white reylo) admonished me (a black woman) not to compare police brutality to a “ship war.” lmao.

look, clearly y’all need a refresher on what “systemic” means. it means, quite simply, that there are systems, large and small, allow for racism to exist, and it also means that allowing for racism to exist on the small scale means expecting it on a large one. like you think police officers spring fully formed from the head with racist ideals already ingrained? no! they learn it and learn to justify it with “well just because my friend made a racist joke doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because i laughed at my friend’s using a racist term in my video game doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because my friend is a racist doesn’t mean i’m a racist” and then we have people watching their coworkers kneel on a man’s back for 8 minutes with no remorse. i’m not gonna solve police brutality by fighting reylos on tumblr, but fandom racism is real racism with consequences on our world, and i don’t tolerate ANY type of racism. and the fact that you are so willing to not just tolerate it but justify it should say something to you.

and not all reylos are like this. similar to cops, good reylos don’t last. i have seen people grow so disgusted by the racism in the reylo fandom that they publicly turned their backs on it, and those reylos i respect. you’ve heard of “the only good cop is an ex-cop” well get ready for “the only good reylo is an ex-reylo”.

(and also like far be it from me to justify a cop but one could at least say they have their livelihoods to think about (not like they couldn’t just pick a nonmurderous profession but i digress) but you reylos can’t even choose between taking a stance against the hateful and unjustified bullying of a man who had the audacity to… get a job (?)... over a ship? come on now.)

the point of all this is, for all their posturing about “being antiracist” and “fuck 12” and “support john boyega”, reylos have decided that a relationship between two fictional people is more important than all the black and brown people who are hurt by that decision and the consequences of that decision. and before y’all pull some “b-but there are POC reylos!” (stop fucking using poc as an adjective, its a noun, it stands for person of color, please use it as such) internalized racism is a thing. busting out your token “reylo of color” (see how easy that was?) is not going to change my mind. all reylos are complicit in the racism of their peers, and being complicit makes you culpable. full stop.

and that is why the public support of john boyega from the reylo fandom has me seeing red. renounce your fandom or keep that man’s name out of your mouth. anyway, this was long and ranty and entirely stream-of-consciousness and i’m refusing to edit it so it’s probably completely incomprehensible to anyone besides me but if you made it this far thanks for reading ig. all reylos are racist, blm, fuck 12, acab, stan john boyega, don’t clown in my inbox unless you’re coming to bully me for being a karamel shipper, which i deserve (or do, i couldn’t give less of a fuck). good night.

#john boyega #anti reylo #raetalks

[thejudgingtrash]

Last but not least: PJO hot takes part IV!

Alright my dudes. I think we’re still in this game for one final round. Anyway here’s wonderwall. And Part 1//Part 2//Part 3!

Percy had actually knowledge about the Greek myths. He didn’t waddle in blindly. Where did y’all even get that?

The new possible Irish myth saga will be PJO 3.0 aka Magnus Chase 2.0 aka The Kane Chronicles 1.2.

Riordan already got the names of gods of that possible saga wrong

Riordan‘s Asian characters only know bitch or bland mode, huh

Stop babying Annabeth for fucks sake. Seriously

How the fuck did Sally afford several private schools for Percy when they were poor as fuck? I guess Gabe had to have a some somewhat decent job but then again playing poker/being a gambler and stealing from your stepson ain’t a cute move

Hazel should’ve been Thanatos‘ kid. To break the classic 12 Olympian mold (yeah Hades/Pluto technically isn’t one but he’s still team major gods) and also to throw the damned Hitler/Pluto aesthetics away

Did any of the kids break their limps or get permanently disabled at some point? Or do they just... die (and mostly stay dead)? I forgot

Where can the kids at Camp Half-Blood actually sneak off to fuck? Percy is legit the only one to claim his own shit as his love bunker. The rest is just fucked I guess or has first hand traumatic pre-college experiences

”Percy cursed“. Literally why, Riordan. Let the kid say fuck. He has earned the rights to do so a long time ago

Did I mention that people lack of basic reading skills in earlier takes? Anyway. Here’s another reminder!

Tbh the gods are egotistical fucks and have killed people for the fuck of it. I don’t see Poseidon being even close to okay with Sally marrying Gabe or Paul

I still don’t understand why Frazel is a thing

Most of you don’t understand how movie production works but that’s okay. Just know that everything inside your head will never be realized and there will be drastic cuts and additions to the books (again)

The electronics not working thing doesn’t even make any goddamn sense? Hermes is the god of the Internet. Does this mean that demigods can use the web just fine but simply can’t call each other? This really came back to bite Riordan in the ass now did it? Wouldn’t it make more sense to use old means of communication once you’re trying to reach more important/godly people or electronics fail in an accute situation?

Turning everyone heteroflexible creates the image that you’re simply liking a character for the fact that they are LGBTQ and not the character itself, just saying. More representation sure, but that itself isn’t a personality trait and shouldn’t be the main focus of a character unless it’s really defining in the story line (Nico‘s arc partially for example)

Tbh, HOO should’ve been aged up mentor Percabeth protecting CHB, with the rest of the gang fucking up Greece with aged Reyna + Nico perhaps. I might post an outline on that AU someday (someone should remind me about that tho)

On one hand you have in depth discussions and people diving into the matter and talking about every nook and cranny and on the other hand people are more then just fine with stereotyping and deflecting. Whut. Okay

Why are people shipping the lie that is Jasper/Jasiper

Stop romanticizing the gods

Dark!Percy is just a cheap way for you to turn Percy into an overpowered asshole and that’s that tea

Being in a relationship isn’t a personality trait, my dear shippers

Riordan‘s timeline is off because the coke rush didn’t last that long

The wasted potential of everything past PJO makes me want to cry

Percy’s fatal flaw isn’t stupid, Riordan just didn’t flesh it out properly which is why there were no real repercussions. A fatal flaw is supposed to be hindering you and not a compliment

The fact that adult people still can’t take jokes about their favorite characters is fucking insane part II

Why the fuck did the Stolls get tossed aside? Bruh. The potential? The stigma as a Hermes kid? They trying to redeem their cabins honor? Imagine one of them as a prophecy kid in HOO (and they’d switch and swap to confuse everyone)? Yes??

Every single one of you that essentially is team poc!Percy because he had a rough upbringing deserves to get slapped. Poverty, abuse, a single parent, etc. doesn’t equate to being poc?!?!? Smells racist just saying

Turning Hazel into Nico‘s sister was cheap af

Stop romanticizing and down playing the myth aspect. Tragedy is essential and will haunt demigods. Thank you, next

Also stop babying Percy

Let’s be honest none of those fuckers make it to college

Annabeth Chase is fucking WHITE part II. She’s not biracial, she’s not ”exotic“, she’s certainly not fucking black. She’s white with a little hint of a tan. That still makes her white. Do you really want to turn her into Ariana Grande 2.0? A fucking botched orange? This is your Annabeth aesthetic? Artists get it fucking right unless you state that you portray her as [spraytan headcanon] which is still fucking cheap let’s be real. Orange Annabeth isn’t part of the kulture

Regardless of the reception of the PJO movies, I’ll never forgive you people for letting Logan Lerman aka the OG white boy™ flop. Throw Tom “lipless but okay booty“ Holland and Timothée ”I missed a few meals“ Chalamet the fuck away!

Tbh a less romanticized version of the camps would’ve been more interesting. I’m still put off by CJ (and also the fact that CHB is a summer camp), but had there been more fights and actual deaths that had happened around the camps due to training, etc. you would’ve understood immediately why demigods dipped before the age of 18. The antithetical nature of sweet summer camp and people dying left and right would’ve been amplified

Did Reyna at some point in time even have the time to breath with all of the shit that went down? Her life is simply 24/7 stressful. I get that she wanted to bounce and no longer be in a tiring and demanding position but the hunters ain’t it sis

It’s okay to admit that fanon artwork or fanfics don’t deserve the webspace they are wasting. But phrase that probably in a nicer way

PJO Calypso wasn’t annoying. HOO & TOA Calypso on the other hand...

Alex Pettyfer would’ve been a better Luke Castellan but Jake Abel did an okay job

Percy isn’t an idiot. You are one for believing so

Riordan corrected the stance that Muslims don’t shower during Ramadan (literally how in the fuck did he come up with that in the first place?!) in upcoming MC books. Can he use the same energy to rewrite HOO tho??

Luke’s portrayals in SoM and TTC were straight up trash

Historically accurate PJO would’ve been everything

Monsters can detect demigods by smell. Camo wouldn’t do jack shit ffs

Jason is still bland and making jokes/pointing that out is more than okay

Omfg accept the fact that characters can have multiple facets all good and bad. Reducing them to one specific trait makes them boring and bland. Also it stereotypes

Getting mad over the fact that Clarisse has a boyfriend is still fucking insane

Not everyone needs to be a fanfic writer or an artist, a theorist or someone that analyzes everything phrase by phrase. As long as you’re in the fandom to enjoy works & discussions and remain on the saner side of the spectrum you’re good. You’re valid. Don’t forget that.

Not wanting to stay in a fandom and merely enjoying some of the fruits/benefits as in art/fics/headcanons is also super valid

PJO Reddit, Tumblr, IG and Twitter are a cesspool of chaotic mess and straight up trash but Tumblr > Reddit >>>>>> IG >>>>>> Twitter

Tbh: just try to enjoy a decent book series. It’s all not that deep

#pjo #annabeth chase #percy jackson and the olympians #percy jackson #heroes of olympus #jason grace #hazel levesque #piper mclean #frank zhang #luke castellan #nico di angelo #reyna ramirez arellano #hoo #toa #pjo hot takes

[lovemesomesurveys]

When was the last time you wanted to wear something but it was still ‘in the wash’ or ‘not yet dried’? I wanted to wear my Baby Yoda/Grogu Christmas sweatshirt on Christmas, but it didn’t end up getting washed.

Any new subjects for the upcoming school year? I’m not in school anymore.

Last time you got a haircut? Back in February of last year. Almost a year ago now.

Have you ever rode Business Class? No.

Paris, Texas or Paris, France? Paris, France, please.

How much time/percentage is left on your laptop battery? It’s at 100% because it’s plugged in.

Do you like to know how things are made? Yeah, a lot of it is interesting.

Care to post the most recent tagged picture of you on Facebook? No.

HAVE YOU WATCHED BRUNO YET!?  I saw the first one. I don’t have any interest in seeing the new one.

Is there any song that’s stuck in your head?  Not at the moment.

What does your school bag look like?  --

Is it anyone’s birthday today? I’m sure it’s a lot of people’s birthday today, but no one I know.

With your guy friends, are you known as a girl or a buddy? I don’t have any friends.

Do you own a foam finger? No.

Where was the last place you dined in with your friends? It’s been a few years since the last time I did that, so I don’t recall. Yes, I actually used to have friends and I actually used to go out. *gasp*

Name all the websites on your bookmark toolbar here! Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, and Pinterest. 

Have you actually ever eaten a wedding cake? Yes.

Gotcher back to school outfit yet? Or do you just don’t care? --

Do you get email updates from Urban Dictionary?  No.

Do you think some babies are ugly? Aw, that’s mean.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? Aw, those were fun times as a kid.

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC?  I don’t know. 

Do you love stuff crusted pizza? I don’t eat the crusts, so.

Is Lil Wayne all that he’s cracked up to be? I like some his features and songs.

Who are you usually attracted to in bands, the singer, the guitarist, bassist, or drummer? I wasn’t attracted to many band guys, honestly. 

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No. I should.

What’s your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, mint green, coral, and yellow.

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with?  Joseph.

Have you ever hugged a stranger?  No.

What’s a random act of kindness you have done to help a stranger? I’ve given money to homeless people.

Has a Youtube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Ha, no. What’s a fear you’ve conquered? Hmm. I don’t know.

Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah.

Have you ever received a homemade card from someone?  Yes.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? No.

Do you like Robert Frost poems?  I only know one.

Do you go to church every Sunday?  Yes. I attend via livestream. 

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico or Las Vegas? Nope.

Have you ever been to Arkansas?  No.

Where would you go on a road trip with your best friend? There’s so many places I’d love to travel to.

Do you know anyone with Harry Potter glasses?  Growing up I had the round frames.

Longest you’ve ever stayed on the phone? Houuuurs. I used to talk to my best friends in elementary and middle school on the phone for-fucking-EVER. I’m not sure of the longest bit of time though. <<< Haha, I actually used to do that, too, which is so shocking because I hate talking on the phone now. I kinda did that in high school the first two years a few times, but after that something switched and I never wanted to talk on the phone. It became just text me or message me online.

Have you ever been in a relationship on and off for more than a year?  Joseph and I, whatever it was we had going on, was off and on for a few years. We never were officially together, but we had something going on and it would seem it was going in that direction but then nope.

What about just for a year straight?  Like I said, it went on for 3 years.

Do gangs scare you?  I mean, yeah...

Have you met a best friend on a cruise before?  I’ve never been on a cruise.

How many high schools are in your city/town?  Like 4.

If offered, would you want to go to fashion week in Paris? Can I just have the trip to Paris?

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. 

What are your thoughts on fake reality television? I’m a sucker for reality TV. *shrug*

Would you want to own your own island? Nah. I’m good with my Animal Crossing Island lol. <<< Ha, same.

Who killed John Bennet Ramsey?  Her brother is kinda sus. I could see it being a situation where the family covered up for him because he was just a child. Or, perhaps one of the parents. Again, it being an accidental situation and they just covered it up.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I don’t think about it. 

Do you even like politics? I don’t like it, but I try to follow it at least somewhat because it is important and affects all of us. It’s stressful and overwhelming and confusing, though, so I don’t follow it as closely as maybe I should.

Have you ever seen a guy wearing hoop or dangling earrings? Yeah.

What’s it like at raves? I’ve never been. I’ve never had any desire to go to one.

Do you do a nice Scottish accent?  I can’t do any accents.

Do you think that all people in England have really bad teeth?  No? That’s an awful stereotype.

What is your state nickname (The Golden State, The Cheese State, etc)? The Golden State.

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? I’d rather not lose anyone in my life, thanks.

Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? Spend your money on what you want, but I don’t spend that much on perfume. I think it’s crazy how expensive they can be. 

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? A jacket. That’s the only thing I ever try on because I can easily just put it on real quick right there and it doesn’t require much. I never try on clothes or anything otherwise. 

Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is?  Nope.

Do you ever sleep through your alarm? It happens. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened for anything important in a long time, but I sometimes set alarms when I don’t want to sleep in too late or I want to try and get up by a certain time for whatever reason and oftentimes I just end up hitting snooze or turning it off.

What is the dominant color in the room you’re in?  There’s a lot of colors going on.

Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? I’ve only seen her in a couple things, I think.

When did you realize you are no longer a child?  I’m not sure if it was one specific moment. 

Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes?  Noo, not for me. I don’t feel comfortable naked.

Does your best friend wear makeup? Yeah.

Who is someone you do not understand at all?  Myself. What is your morning routine? When I get up, I take my medicine and lie around for awhile checking social media and whatnot before finally dragging myself outta bed for coffee. 

Have you already met your true love?  No.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?  Yeah.

Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? I would want to try and work on things first. I wouldn’t just end a relationship right away because we had a problem. Now, if we had a lot of problems and nothing was getting resolved or it just wasn’t working out even after trying to work on things, then it would be time to end the relationship. But you’re going to experience problems in a relationship, you can’t expect not to. It’s how you go about them.

Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail?  Not a cat, but a dog. I always feel like the worst person in the world whenever I’ve accidentally done that with their tail or paw. Gahhh. And my doggo (and my previous doggos) acts like she did something wrong and snuggles up next to me and is all lovey and it’s like, ‘nooo, I’m the evil one here you didn’t do anything wrong you precious angel!’

Did they meow really loud? They let out a yelp.

Do you ever go to Plyrics.com?  I’m sure that was one of the sites I used back in the day for lyrics. Nowadays I just quickly Google a song and the lyrics pop right up.

Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living?  Jlkfjkdfjl ew yes I’ve heard that. That gives me the creeps just thinking about it, thanks for ending on that note....

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[selphiahaven]

Selphia Haven: How it Began

Just over a year ago, I decided to make Selphia Haven. I would like to believe most blogs are made just for fun, or in order to show support and love for a special niche.

This blog was originally made for a different purpose.

Please note that my story may hold some triggering subjects for people. Please read at your own risk.

It was February of last year when I realized I had depression, but the seeds of it started to plant a lot earlier. For example, I think the hopelessness in my life started around the time that the Charlottesville white nationalist protest was being covered. News stories like this are shocking, and unbelievably scary, for a young adult who is trying to find their way in life.

I had always tried to desperately hold onto the belief that everyone, everywhere, can love and care for each other if they are either given the right knowledge or the right opportunities. I had originally picked up this belief as a child, and wanted to grow up to become a writer who would share stories with kind messages. I pursued a passion for writing all the way up until university, wherein I discovered psychology. My area of focus switched from becoming a writer to becoming a counsellor. I was going to help people, to become someone that could help manifest hope and love within people who had lost their way.

News stories like white nationalism, and similar hateful topics, made that hope slowly slip away from my fingers.

It was a slow fall. I don't remember what happened, exactly, between the Charlottesville protests and February of last year that really wore down my hope. But, by the time the Parkland school shooting happened, all that hope disappeared. The last shred of my love for the world was gone.

What are you supposed to do in life when all this terrible, terrible stuff happens in places that you cannot directly impact? Things far worse than you can imagine, to people far younger than you might think. Watching on a TV screen, you can distance yourself; pretend it doesn't happen. But you know. You know that these terrible things are someone's reality. Someone, somewhere, has to deal with each and every one of these realities that pop up on our news stations. And you can do nothing to help it.

I didn't do much from February onwards. I ate. I slept. I still went to school and worked. But it was...robotic? Everything just kind of happened. Nothing held purpose or meaning. Assignments were just assignments. Work was just work. Food was just food. And sleep was never enough.

My love for my future career was gone. I no longer wanted to be a counsellor, because I couldn't bear to deal with it. I couldn't bear to think that I would be facing these realities every single day—talking with people who had gone through losses of loved ones, suicide attempts, rape, abuse, and so much more—and yet could not provide a source of hope for them. How do you find hope for others when there are stories out there that tell us that everything bad is still happening, right now, right here, in this moment? I could be murdered next week by simply being in the wrong supermarket when a terrorist walks in and starts shooting.

I hadn't exactly contemplated suicide. Another belief I held on to was that, no matter what happens, every step alive is still a step in a growing direction. I would not commit suicide; but I was starting to think about it a lot more. For example: What it would be like to die. And, well, how long it would take for this belief to slip from my fingers just as quietly as my previous belief on the love in the world did. How long would it be before I actually started contemplating it. How long would it be before I actually committed it. What would it take for me to believe that death would be the "best option."

What got me moving wasn't through some miraculous determination. It was fear. I didn't want to die— It scared me to even be thinking about it. I still loved things in this world. My family. My friends. I actually did like school, and though I had been viewing my schoolwork at this time a mostly assignments, I did want to continue learning about the mysteries behind psychology. It was more than just the big things, there were also simple things I wanted to live for. I love ice cream. I love the smell of vanilla. I love the feel of the sun. I love the feel of the rain too, actually, and you can't feel these things, smell these things, taste these things when you're dead.

I wanted to stay alive. I wanted to still laugh at things. I had more funny videos I wanted to watch. More books I wanted to read. There are things in this world that I haven't even heard of yet that I want to stay for and experience in the future. I wanted to write. Oh my god, I wanted to write so much. I would write without end when I was in high school, but gave it up when I started pursuing psychology. I never got back to it because I felt I wasn't good enough, but I still wanted to do it.

All these lovely things that I wanted to do, and see, and experience...

But no effort to give.

I was tired, always. Constantly. My motivation to do anything outside of "the mandatory" (School, work, etc.) was nonexistent. I wanted to write, but every sentence I wrote looked ugly, or wrong, or faulty in some way. I wanted to go out for walks, but I also didn't want to get up and out of my room. I wasn't confident in anything I did; including the things I did at school and work.

I just needed something though. I wanted to do something. Anything.

I didn't start Tumblr for Selphia Haven specifically; I started it to look at funny pictures of animals (see also: an escape from reality). But it seemed like an inviting website to find...something to do on it. It wasn't limiting like on Twitter where I could only have, like, one blog per email. Tumblr gives the opportunity to try many different blogs, if you choose to pursue many different niches.

So, something small, then. I wanted to do something small. Not something meaningful; just something that would motivate me to get out of bed and do...something outside of the mandatory. It was here that I discovered something that seemed easy enough: incorrect quote blogs. In fact, I was so interested in hearing random, funny quotes that I even follow blogs for fandoms I have never seen anything from (eg. Voltron, Harry Potter, Mystic Messenger).

RF4 wasn't my first stop, but seeing as Pandora Hearts and Vanitas no Carte already had frequently updating incorrect quotes blogs, I had to find some other fandom that didn't quite have an incorrect quote blog yet. And... Well, Rune Factory did have one before I started. @overheard-at-selphia existed a few months before I walked in. However, they seemed to only be updating maybe once or twice a month. I thought for a day about whether they might be open to sharing the spotlight with me. Then, I decided that, what the hell, I'll just do it and if they aren't a fan of it, they can always just message me and tell me to shut up.

(I still follow @overheard-at-selphia too. They still update sometimes. It makes me happy.)

On June 14th, 2018, I made my first awkward post.

I made a commitment to myself then: I would make 5 posts a day. They were easy enough to make (this was, of course, before I started adding images) so this kind of goal was realistic for me. Also, I was in the heat of summer, so I didn't have schoolwork to worry about. The queue system still saves me to this day; I don't need to worry when I know I have a busy week coming up, because I can just fill it up when I have effort, and then let it run on my "off days".

Small motivations included just a handful of notes per post, and a handful of followers that gave me incentive to continue moving. Followers meant that people were relying on me to continue making posts. I couldn't just stop without reason; this little project was my own, but I created it to be my own meaningful "mandatory project".

Five little posts a day. Gradually, gradually, gradually, I discovered some courage to try something new. I created the picture incorrect quotes through a small burst of motivation in November, and the results had been astounding. I went from getting maybe 10 notes per post (If I was lucky) to around 20-50 notes per post. And that's not even counting this fukkin monster of a post that exploded straight outta nowhere.

Three posts a day. Gradually, gradually, gradually, I discovered some new courage. Gradually, gradually, gradually, I started writing again. Gradually, gradually, I wrote something. I finished writing something. I actually posted something I wrote; just over one year of Selphia Haven's existence.

I'd love to be able to say life is better now, but I can't really say that for certain. I'm not really sure if things will be okay, and I can't make promises about life when news stories are just as depressing as they have ever been. I have no grand answers for the mysteries that plague our existence; why are we alive and what's the point in all this. And, really, none of the problems that caused my depression have really been "solved" (I still don't want to be a counsellor anymore and I haven't found a different career path yet, for example).

But...I dunno. I'm enjoying this. Making Selphia Haven. It may not be a grand, exuberant show that's going to cure depression or save the children or give starving people food, but... It's my little effort. It's my little attempt at making a bit of light. A little bit of laughter in this dark world. I think we all need that— A little bit of something that gives us light. For me, that was creating Selphia Haven. Making a little effort of my own to (hopefully) make someone smile— Even if it's just a little smile. If my existence on this Earth is just to bring a small smile to your face, well... I guess that makes it worth it for me to continue, right?

That's why I'm so eager to promote any kinds of Rune Factory blogs you guys make, actually. It was me gaining those first few followers that motivated me to continue my first small steps... Gradually, gradually, gradually, I hope that those who start small can grow into something larger too. That people have something small that they can love, or create, or follow along with.

But, I also realize that, you know, not everyone experiences depression in the same way, right? My depression was helped because I had something small I could do every day. No story is the same; but I hope that if you do want to try out making a blog like mine, you will allow me to advertise it for you.

This...maybe isn't a super uplifting story, but hey. It's my story, and it seems to be working out for me so far. I'm happy with it. I'm happy that I'm writing again. And I'm going to continue making gradual steps towards the future too, which might lead me to something bigger. Who knows.

...But I hope I can finish Castle to the West, at least. Writing that story makes me really happy. So... I guess I hope you all continue your small steps to find that thing that makes you happy too. And if you need help, please ask for help! I’d be happy to give you my support!

#Admin talk #This is as good as I got for a 'positive saying' #Hope it helps-

[shaineybainey]

Lab Rats: Elite Force – What Exactly Went Wrong?

An Opinion Piece from a Viewer’s (and a Writer’s) Perspective 

[written and posted on another site september 2018]

Let me begin this piece by stating one important fact that could or could not affect your acceptance of this piece: besides the finale, I’ve seen none of this show’s episodes. None. I only ever knew what was happening in it through the reports of others who had watched the show and had formed their own opinions about it, most of which were either negative or neutral. Could that have affected my own view of it? Of course. Could those have turned me off from the show more? Sure. But, the fact remains: the project that seemed to be the biggest and most promising in its time only had one season, ran only a few months, and was never renewed. When the show and its cast were first announced, I was admittedly upset. My favorite character was not included. I found it unfair since this spin-off seemed to be a new, exciting arena with a fresh concept. It bothered me a bit to see the five main characters in the promo image posted on Twitter, too. It was a little too...monotonous compared to how the audience had known Lab Rats and Mighty Med to be. But eventually, I’ve learned to accept that Tyrel Jackson Williams, the actor who played Leo, may have wanted to move on to new projects (and he did) and that maybe the creators just thought that the five actors they handpicked could carry the show a lot better. It was all okay. Soon, though, it became apparent that the negative feedback that had surprisingly come from some of the most loyal fans of Lab Rats, Mighty Med, or both were actually a reflection of how the viewers felt in general. When the finale aired on October 2016, the news that it was a series finale rather than just a season finale had already rocked the fandom. Twitter and Tumblr were flooded with complaints against Disney XD for canceling “another great show” in favor of a “trashy one”—which seemed to be an indirect snipe at the network’s then newest program, Mech X-4. Fans took to the actors’ Instagram accounts, asking them when the second season would come or why there wouldn’t be anymore episodes. They were understandably heartbroken over this loss. They tried to save it for months but – it didn’t work. The plea for #RenewLabRatsEliteForce didn’t carry the impact the petitioners wanted it to have, sadly because those left were too few in numbers. Many of the most vocal and most outspoken ones—the viewers whose voice when Lab Rats aired were the most powerful—have unfortunately already left the show long before and could not be counted on anymore for any help. Thus, Lab Rats: Elite Force never came back on air. It may be a wonder to some how that could have happened. Lab Rats, the main ‘universe’ this show played in, still remains as one of Disney XD’s powerhouse shows due to its iconic interracial family, bright and bold sets, and seamless, innovative plots. Meanwhile, the lore and mythology that came with Mighty Med was the most complex and held the most potential. These two combined should have generated a show worth the four-season run that Disney treats their most exciting and popular programs with. So, what exactly went wrong? Below is just a few of the things that I think may have caused the show its demise. The Reasons 1. When the shows combined, they were both stripped of their characters of color (save for one) – which resulted in lack of both visual diversity and diversity in storytelling. When Lab Rats aired in February 2012, there was already a considerable buzz about it. Besides its predecessor, Pair of Kings, Disney haven’t been playing much with the idea of featuring an interracial family. That was why it piqued the interest of many people when trailers of a Black teenage boy finding himself in a new family with his Black mom, White stepdad, and three White stepsiblings aired. It was icing on top of the cake, too, when at the time, it appeared that the main character might actually be of color this time. Mighty Med followed this diversity trend to a degree. The two main characters were both White, but the rest are of other races—two Hispanic and one Asian, to be exact (or Calderan, if we’re speaking of the character rather than the actress). These characters offered different voices, backgrounds, and personalities to their shows. They also served as beacons, lights of hope that maybe, just maybe, Disney is starting to understand that there were also other races and ethnicities they could pick to tell their stories and that they didn’t have to worry about it ‘not working.’ Everything was working, but fast forward a couple of years later, one of Lab Rats’ creators announced that the two shows would merge, and here, they are your new team! To be exact: William Brent, Kelli Berglund, Bradley Steven Perry, Jake Short, and Paris Berelc. Two of the stepsiblings from the Lab Rats fandom, and the three main characters from Mighty Med. Of course, this is not to knock them as actors. They’re all quite good, in my opinion! In fact, Paris Berelc is still unbelievably wonderful in her new Netflix show Alexa and Katie as Alexa Mendoza. Kelli Berglund and Jake Short have new projects they’re currently involved in as well. However, as a viewer, I thought the production could have put together a better combination. Past the shiny and admittedly impressive costumes and cool vibe of the cast, the promotional image and the trailers that subsequently followed lacked the oomph! the other two shows, as separates, had. The characters as a collective weren’t visually interesting anymore because they didn’t reflect the way the viewers saw the world. It was like Disney XD went back to how it was before Pair of Kings aired. It would have been better if they made a few switches. It could have even been somewhat forgivable if there was a recurring minor character of color. Sadly, there wasn’t. Everyone looked the same. 2. There were two Chases, two Brees, and one Adam in the team. Disney has long ago earned the reputation of having repeating archetypes in their programs—and the two shows, even as separates, weren’t safe from this. Still, they were all balanced out. Lab Rats' book smart, shy, sometimes egotistic, but truly kind character Chase Davenport was balanced out by his stepbrother Leo Dooley, who had impeccable street smarts, was rather mischievous, dangerously curious and clumsy, but was also ultimately good at heart. At the same time, Mighty Med’s resident teen doctor Oliver, who was resourceful, introspective, and the voice of reason, was balanced out by his best friend Kaz - his impulsive but loyal partner-in-crime who prevented him from being eaten up by his own seriousness through jokes and lax regard to the rules. When the shows merged, well, things went off-kilter. All of a sudden, the show had two young men (Chase and Oliver) with the leader personality. It was also evident from the sudden changes in the character’s clothing style that Skylar Storm had lost her individuality and her rather funny but genuinely heartwarming curiosity of the world around her. She had adopted Bree Davenport’s style and also, subtly, her treatment of the world and the people closest to her (which, if you haven’t seen the original show, wasn’t stellar at all). Kaz was the only one safe from the character cloning. Kind of. He remained to be the sense of humor in the show, but I can’t help but think when I saw the finale that he essentially served the same purpose Adam Davenport did in Lab Rats’ narrative. This lack of variation in personalities made for a bit of a static storytelling. One fanfiction writer who used to be really into Lab Rats told me a few months into the show that the characters brought out the worst in each other. Gone was the sweet Chase Davenport and was replaced instead by a character who had to constantly assert his dominance over his teammates. Oliver, whose affection towards Skylar had been cute and heartfelt to watch, had become obsessed with her and had turned stalker-ish, reportedly pressuring her into becoming his girlfriend. And the team as a whole had become a bratty bunch, too consumed now by their own importance and their own problems to show warmth and kindness towards one another. Again, this could have easily been prevented by making a couple of switches. The fanfiction writer part of me thought that it would have been better if the team was instead made up of Bree, Leo, Oliver, a new WOC character with a rather stoic personality, and Skylar, who would serve as the team’s leader. That could have offered an interesting dimension to the show: varying voices, potentially initial conflicts that can turn into warm, lasting friendships, and varying strengths and weaknesses that can play well with each other and can definitely move the story forward for a couple of years. Lab Rats: Elite Force was trying to achieve a Teen Titans feel, and those five could have done that. But, reality turned out differently, and there's no undoing what had been done. 3. The Villains in the Mask, Part 3. As much as I love the writers and creators of the Lab Rats universe, I do have a few complaints, one of which is: do the villains always have to be concealed or be wearing a mask? Victor Krane, and now Roman and Riker. All of them were introduced to the show wearing masks! Also, they all had the same reason for doing the villainy they did: revenge. Now, from the outside looking in, that may not be as bad. Revenge is a rather strong motivator, but in comparison to the best ones this show had seen, did it really have to be that again? I’ll give you the best villain Lab Rats had as an example: Marcus Davenport. He was an android bent on destroying Adam, Bree, and Chase—and most specially, Leo—for the sole reasons that (1) that was his order, (2) he hates them, and (3) he hated them because they had their father’s affection and attention, and he didn’t. What made him complex and gave him a nice layer as a character was that despite his manipulative and murderous nature, at the end of the day he just wanted affirmation and affection from his dad. From what had been revealed, the spin-off’s villains had a reason of their own to go after the protagonists. Roman and Riker’s father had been drained of his powers for his own good, but the boys and the rest of their family didn’t see it as such. They saw it as an insult to them, although if I’m not mistaken, the show didn’t really explain why they felt that way. It was just a reason that was just...was. In the finale, they introduced another villain: Roman and Riker’s sister, Reece. Oh, she was manipulative and cunning. She also seemed promising because there was a moment of doubt when she was caught red-handed by one of the good guys. She was torn on whether she should hurt him to make her escape or not (spoiler alert: she chose the former; she blinded him). But, that was as far as it went. As mentioned, the show didn’t come back for a season two—which still haunts the rest of the fandom even after two years of its sudden end. 4. Everything was rushed. Good stories take time. Like flowers, the characters and the plot need time to grow. The writers of Lab Rats understood that when the original show first began. We saw character development and storylines that were quite impressive, mature, and relatable despite the show being marketed for children. There were also plot twists that were actually incredible. It became a memorable show because the writing team took their time. In the spin-off, they didn’t. The best example is the Oliver/Skylar pairing. The two years of slow burn between the two characters quickly changed into a wildfire that was erratic and didn’t make sense. Oliver was strangely out of character, and Skylar only seemed to have agreed to the relationship because she got annoyed. The relationship was awkward because it was handled impatiently. Reece’s introduction was rushed, too. She was maybe shaping up to be the big bad of the next season, but unlike Marcus, whose presence and role were built slowly and surely, she was pushed in. So, maybe she wasn’t going to be the main villain? The ambiguity created by all of these off-paced writing turned off the viewers one by one. At the end of it, I heard more unhappy responses to the show than I did positive. Maybe, somehow, the show-runners knew about that, too. They just didn’t say anything about it. 5. ‘Who’s your audience?’ It’s important to know the answer to that question because if you don’t, it will show. Lab Rats was marketed to children, perhaps in the ages 8-11 demographic. However, it was crafted to also appeal to teenagers and adults who may have been curious about the new project of the That 70’s Show’s former creators. Mighty Med, basing on its writing, appeared to have been meant for ages 6-11. Fans of the show might disagree with me on this, but it’s good to remember that one of its creators also made ANT Farm, which had silly humor oftentimes. (Not a bad thing at all. It’s just revealing of its audience.) Lab Rats: Elite Force seemed to have had problems identifying who it should actually appeal to. Should it be written like Lab Rats had been written? With silly humor here and there but also with jokes that teenagers and adults would appreciate? Or should it be written like Mighty Med, directed to the younger viewers and used laugh tracks more often? Well, the winner remains unclear. The characters’ sudden immaturity suggests they wanted to appeal to the new audience, but their rushed treatment of the Skoliver pairing also showed that they wanted to please longtime viewers somehow. They also gave Bree a new ability, perhaps to keep the interest of the loyal fans, but it didn’t really serve its purpose. It was probably meant to have been a wow factor. Sadly, it was another thing that didn’t work because the people they were trying to direct it to have lost interest—probably because they felt that the writers had ignored them for far too long in favor of newer, younger viewers who didn’t even stick around to watch the show. Concluding Thoughts At one point, I kind of hoped, too, that the spin-off would be green lighted to have a second season. When it finished, the hard feelings I had against it was almost gone, and I was earnestly hoping they would come back. Whatever the real reason(s) may have been for it not being able to, the cast and crew still deserve credit for doing their absolute best to make the show as enjoyable as possible. The finale, in particular, had a few highlights, and the set where the battle scene took place was impressive. The cast also put their best foot forward. The writers, meanwhile, perhaps despite knowing about the impending end, really did craft something special for those who had stuck with them until the final second. Despite its problems and potentials that were not explored, Lab Rats: Elite Force still graduated as a nice show with moments of excitement, dashing costumes, and memorable sets.

#Lab Rats: Elite Force #Lab Rats #Mighty Med #opinion piece

[euphoriacrossing]

I am very much enjoying my gameplay of New Horizons.

If you'd like to see some screenshots I've posted so far check out my twitter http://www.twitter.com/MadiasHell (I think that is the link... my username is MadiasHell obviously, though), there I will be posting direct screenshots from in game from my switch to twitter. My twitter is for all intents and purposes an AC twitter for right now. I can't balance multiple twitters so one day it might be personal again, but feel free to unfollow as soon as the content doesn't interest you. But right now it's ALLLLL AC content.

I will still be posting things here, possibly things I don't post on twitter, I'm not sure yet. But I don't at all plan to a abandon this tumblr, it's just that the switch can post directly to twitter, though.

Amyway, last night I found out one of my "friends" from the AC tumblr community blocked me. It was a little heartbreaking and j just don't see what I did at all so, I mean, it feels bad. One, she was the one to approach me about something to begin with, and once we got to talking, I was the one to ask to be friends, but she seemed fine with it. She proceeded to have some of her own issues and maybe a week or so of not talking, which when she came back to me frazzled and apologizing, I was nothing but supportive. And then we didn't talk very much after that, but I had no hard feelings and I wasn't aware of any that she had. Then last night I went to send her my friend code and I was unfollowe by her, I was 't following her anymore and I never unfollowed her and and her blog wouldn't load to me on the app where I was signed into this account, but it loaded fine on the browser (though it should be noted she maybe read my post last night or was in the process of blocking me last night, as now you have to be signed into tumblr to reach her blog at all), which btw I went looking through her blog to see if she said something and it's just all normal AC obsession.

I feel like quite the failure. I thought I had done a cook thing in making a friend and I did what I know as ny best for them to be happy, like they were struggling so I was there to let them talk about it, I told them understood because I had suffered similar issues, but also gave them space, I didn't make them talk everyday, or anything like that.

I wonder if I reblogged something on MadiAsHell that offended them, past or presently. I usually don't really post things that are that offensive, but you know, different people find different things offensive.

Did she cyber-stalk me and find something she didn't like? I am a pretty open book, there is very little that if she had asked I wouldn't have told. I don't like myself, but I'm honest about who and what I am and have been... I hate myself especially right now, but I would have told her whatever she asked and then at least I would know if it's because I'm fat and she was struggling with eating disordered thoughts and so she might have seen that as disgusting, or because of previous, uh, naughty jobs I have had, she might have seen THAT as disgusting. I dunno, but now I just hate everything about me just in case...

I mean, I feel legit terrible. This happens more than I like to admit and the truly most shitty thing these people do is they don't freakin' tell me what I did wrong. I can't fix it, I can't do anything because I don't know the first bit of reason why any of this happened.

Maybe she was someone who "knew" me previously and didn't like me? I have made some online enemies, but I don't know who might be so immature to do something like this. I mean, mostly ny "enemies" have gotten their revenge and they wouldn't waste their time... I don't think, anyway.

But she did approach me, so... did she have a grander scheme she didn't go through with? Like could she have been the "island ruiner" who was going to become best friends and ruin islands... then why would they stop, they got so close to a completely vulnerable victim (my mental health is bad, I totally would have let them be BFs with me in ACNH... someone with such an evil plot, if it was them they almost had pulled it off, so surely it WOULDN'T be), I mean they would have gotten away with it. So surely not.

I mean, i am tempted to name her by username, because someone might know something about her. I guess I didn't know enough. But that would be rude, right? Or mean, or something.

I just want to know what I did wrong so I can fix it. So I can have friends someday...

Anyway, it was raining in Euphoroa this morning but it stopped as the sun rose over the island. It was beautiful. And for a moment I didn't care.

I think I am chugging along at a nice little clip. I went to be at about 2 last night with a headache so I woke up a couple hours later, feeling better thankfully so I could play.

Blathers set up his tent and I think I am 3 things away from unlocking the museum. And I paid off my intial 5000 nookmiles for the getaway package, and decided to upgrade to a house. I have flimsy versions of almost all the tools and I think I can buy better recipes for tools now too.

Anyway, I'm gonna get back to playing. My sister is getting up and she's still got to start the game since she didn't stay up, so at least I have her as a friend...

#Animal Crossing New Horizons #ACNH #AC New Horizons #Animal Crossing #New Horizons #personal

[feitanswife]

Sorry for the fucking essay but no actually I’m not

So I saw a buzzfeed story article on snap and it was from a hashtag on twitter that was trending a few days back, #igotwokewhen or something to that effect.

And it reminded me of something that would be WAY too long of a story for twitter.

Well, several somethings. Three to be exact. This was like a two year process that only sort of included tumblr.

So it started in my sophomore year of high school (10th grade, I was... turning 16 that coming March) and I was in Honors 10th Grade English with the rest of the tryhards.

(Honors didn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, the classes were relatively similar to core, it was basically a box you checked during class selection to say “I want to be in a class with people who give a shit”)

And I was in a corner with two other kids: the one I’ll call Cake Face, and her best friend, Cutie. (Cause they were cute. Like adorable non-threatening videogame-nerd-who-even-I-could-drop-kick-if-they-tried-anything cute, which was very much my “type” in high school as I was in complete and utter denial about my lack of sexual attraction and only let myself grow close to people I could totally take in a fight to ease my anxiety about being touched.)

Cake Face was a terrifying girl who very Clearly had a tumblr.

This was 2014-2015. She Very Clearly Had A Tumblr.™️ like it was Scary.

She sat behind me and she terrified me. I’d known her from 7th grade onwards and until that point I knew 3 things about her: she wore WAY too much makeup, she was a try hard at school, and she hated pretty much everyone.

Except Cutie, who she would kill and die for.

Cutie, whose real name I can’t even remember now, was the first out trans peer I remember having. (I say “out” because two of my best friends who is known for much longer came out later, but at the time to my knowledge Cutie was the only one so I count them as first cause it was my first interaction under the pretense)

Cutie was also the first non-binary person I knew. That is without condition, to my knowledge (I haven’t kept track of many people from high school) as the next notable encounter was well into college.

So now you had me, vaguely crushing on Cutie whose Overbearingly Agressively Supportive best friend sat right behind me.

Needless to say that crush went nowhere, we hardly talked cause I was too afraid of Cake Face to even start up a coversation for fear I’d say something wrong and get my head ripped off. She was openly confrontational with our teacher and the rest of the class and I just kept my head down and said nothing.

Come to think of it, that’s probably what Cutie was doing too. I certainly wouldn’t want my best friend fighting people on my behalf all day. Talk about embarrassing.

But the idea had been put in my head and since I was about ankle deep in Fandom Tumblr that that point (mostly popular anime with some J-fashion on the side) I decided to dip my toes in further.

And while I was still wrapping my head around the vague idea of asexuality and oh no what does this mean for the boyfriend I got last spring my near best friend in the world cane out as a trans guy on like, day one of our AP language and composition class.

Just to me and our mutual friend but like, it happened. The name he ended up choosing could be shortened to a rather gener neutral nickname so he ended up going by that at large, but the actual conversation only happened with us.

(To be fair, his deadname when combined with his middle name was a weed based pun so no one was surprised he changed it. it was also spelled weirdly.)

And that was the first time I’d ever like, fully integrated into the... entire culture of interacting??? I guess??? Like learning the lingo, learning the flags, figuring out what a binder was (and trying to talk him out of wearing it to gym class, irresponsible little shit!) and I quickly became very protective of him.

I mean I was protective before cause he had other problems like anxiety worse than mine and we all know that when a group of friends all have anxiety that whoever’s is currently least active gets to pretend they’re fine and deal with shit. But this was a whole other layer. It honestly made me a little paranoid cause people... people show their true colors at times like these.

Like that second friend he told.

“Friend”

I ended up writing her into a novel just to hit her character with a truck over one (1) conversation.

Cause when my friend was around she was a sweet angel.

But when he wasn’t she was rude as shit and misgendered him constantly. Also she was really jealous of me being better at essay writing than her and like well maybe if you focused more effort into class and less into talking shit about your supposed best friend then??? Maybe you’d know how to write???

And I worked my ass off on a group poster project and she threw it out and redid the whole thing herself cause she didn’t like mine and it’s been like four years and I have never forgiven her for that I had like three panic attacks for that poster and you threw it away?

I’m not even gonna censor her name Fuck You Jillian you entitled piece of shit!

And around that time I also met the most important person of my life.

She’s a year younger than me and three times as smart, she’s still my best friend to this day and all of our friends unironically call her mom.

And she was the first person I came out to as ace.

(Mostly because she did first and the only response I could think of was “me too!” We were eating lunch. I think I was sitting on the floor. She was on a bench. I was looking up at her. Her hair was bright fire engine red and down to her butt and she was in full gothwear.)

It was because of her that I eventually made a new tumblr account (first under lily-of-the-rain, then raininglillies, then Feitanswife which I have no interest in changing cause I can’t fathom anyone else having this url) and sort of dove deep into all of this cause I finally felt like I could.

Like she was the full permission to exist in this space! She ran our high schools GSA and now is Vice President of our college’s Queer and Allues club (which I only joined cause she dragged me)

and all of that while being ace, which I was ultimately horrifically ashamed of until I met her.

Not because I thought it was wrong to be ace, I just thought it made me less important. Just in general. I was less important in the straight world and less important among the lgbtq+ community. No one was gonna make a fuss over me if I just sat down and shut up, but I wasn’t going to be missed if I disappeared either.

I was just what I’d always been, a background character. Meant to be seen and not heard. Don’t make a fuss just sit and be quiet and be glad we saved you a chair at all.

But she wasn’t. She walked in and it didn’t matter if it was a night out or 7 am on a Tuesday she was dressed to the nines, with her nearly neon red hair and a sort of “DONT fuck with me” energy that let her just mow down anyone who wanted to start shit, with her or anyone else.

And people respected her not in spite of who she was but because of it

And that was the final flip of the switch I needed. First it was the awareness, then the caring personal connection, and then there was “you have the right and the duty to flip that fucking switch. It is yours.

Not because someone else told you to or because it affects people you care about, but because it affect you

[calucadu]

A yordle adventure - Chapter 1

A yordle adventure, a League of Legends Fanfic. Chapter 1.

Hey! It’s @rosegoldmagnum’s birthday today!! So I decided to upload the first chapter of this story that's been lying around my computer unfinished for a while now and dedicate it to her since she liked it! Not only is her art really good, she's also an amazing person ❤ So go wish her a happy birthday and follow her on tumblr and twitter! Happy birthday hun! I hope you like my little gift to you :)

Summary: Rumble, Tristana, Teemo, Heimerdinger, Lulu and Veigar go on the adventure of their lifetimes!

Characters: Rumble, Ziggs, Tristana, Teemo, Heimerdinger, Lulu, Veigar

Rating: Teen and up

Next chapter (coming eventually)

Read on AO3

Or read below the cut

I pulled my gloves off with my teeth and got up to look around me.

“It’s perfect. No mechanical failures. Fuel tank’s full, everything’s ready. We can leave.”

The other yordles started cheering in excitement and mounted the ship as quickly as they could. I watched them as I grabbed my tool box from the floor and followed them into what would be my home for the next few months.

I sighed as I watched them place their last remaining things in their rooms before I went to mine. Everything was untouched. The bed was made, the white linen nearly too bright in comparison with the rest of the room. The clothing I had chosen had been already put in the wardrobe and my gadgets and personal stuff had been placed around the room, maybe to make me feel more at ease, more at home.

I sat down and put my head in my hands. We’d leave soon and I didn’t know how that made me feel. I laid down on the bed and looked at the ceiling. The alarm stood there, staring right back at me. During my training, I’d had to live with that infernal thing waking me up at random hours in the middle of the night, to prepare me in case there was an emergency on board the ship.

That’s the reason why I was the only one sleeping alone. No bunkbed. No roommate. All alone. Just as it has always been, I thought, taking a long breath and finally getting up, as I heard footsteps approaching.

“Hey, Rumble. You all set?” Tristana asked, poking her head around the door.

“Yeah, you?”

“Everyone’s ready. It’s time to say our goodbyes and then take off. You wouldn’t wanna miss me pilot this baby, huh?” She opened the door for me and started walking in front. I’m positive I saw her wiggle her hips as she did, which made me frown.

I’d stopped having feelings for Tristana.

I don’t want this sounding weird, but it’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me since joining the League. No love, no regret, no jealousy, no sleepless nights thinking about her, no pathetic, stupid feelings.

She knew it, as well, which was just as good. It meant occasional teasing, but at least we were back to being friends.

I nearly ran after her, noticing I was the last one to get off the ship. Some of the League champions were there to send us off. I spotted Ziggs, who quickly came up to hug me tightly.

“Oh, Rumble, man, I’m gonna miss ya, buddy!” He grunted, squeezing me a little too much for a little too long.

I wheezed and he realised I needed to breathe.

“Oh, yeah, heh, heh, sorry.” He let me go and I smiled at him, air finally in my lungs again.

“Imma miss you too, bud.”

“But you’ll have a blast!” He screamed, not controlling the tone of his voice due to his excitement. He started laughing nervously after that but was quickly pulled into a hug by Tristana.

“Ziggs! See ya soon, you rascal!”

“See you too, Trist! You’re going to make a fine captain, and an even better pilot!” My best friend then saw my face. “Oh, and make sure Heimy is extra nauseous, please! Just for our enjoyment.”

“You won’t even be there, silly! Anyway, I’m going to say my goodbyes to the rest of the champs, have fun Ziggs and good luck with the matches!”

“You too, Tristana! Have a safe journey!”

They hugged one last time as I watched and then his gaze finally returned to me.

“I really hope you were on this trip with me.” I muttered, trying to make my voice not sound too sad.

“Yeah, I know. They probably thought I was too dangerous or something.”

“Ziggs, you’re a fire hazard.”

“No, I’m the bomb!”

“Which is equally scary.”

The two of us laughed, sharing what would be our last moments together in months. Slowly the laughter died down and I looked at my paws, embarrassed.

“I’m going to be stuck alone with Darty and Afro-for-Brains without you, Ziggs.”

“And I’m going to be stuck alone with Jinx the maniac without you, buddy. But you’ll be having tons of fun on that ship, just you wait! You might score…” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I told you I don’t li-!”

He cut me off. “Yeah, yeah, you don’t like her anymore. There’s another chick on board, dude. And you never know. Months stuck together, anything can happen!” He nudged me slightly and shot me a full toothed grin at me.

“Ziggs!” I grunted, narrowing my eyes.

“I was just joking Rumble! Anyway, you try to have fun, okay?”

“Okay.” I said, smiling at him. He’d actually made me feel better without knowing it. “Hey Ziggs, can I ask a favour?”

“You want me to take care of Tristy for you, right?”

“Right. You don’t mind?”

“Nope. I’ll just check on her from time to time. Make sure she’s got enough oil and she’s running about in her wheel.”

“Ziiiiiiggs!” I whined, but laughed with him, rubbing my knuckles against his head tenderly.

An alarm went off, similar to the one that woke me up every day and my ears twitched.

“Alright crew! Everyone on the ship now!” Tristana yelled and I pulled Ziggs into our last hug.

We said goodbye and I smiled at him. He grinned back, waving energetically.

“If I don’t come back, burn all my stuff!” I yelled to him as I entered the ship and my view of him was blocked by Lulu, who prevented me from being able to have a look at his face after my comment.

“Crew check!” Tristana smiled as we formed a line in front of her. She walked, naming our ranks and nodding at us. “Scout. Head Scientist. On board Mechanic. Healer. Ahm.” She stopped at Veigar. “Guest?”

“You FOOL!” He screamed back, his yellow eyes more menacing than before, shinning brighter somehow. “How DARE you insult me?”

“But Vei-Vei! She didn’t insult you!” Lulu started waving her hands in front of the other yordle, as if trying to protect the captain from the rage of the one with the hat.

“Do NOT call me Vei-Vei!” He screeched and they both run away, the female yordle following him as he entered his room.

Maybe I should go back a few months, when the project was first thought of. Teemo had been on one of his missions when he’d found a map with directions to a land where only small creatures could go to. For some reason, the League Tribunal were all over it and decided they could make millions with this opportunity. So, they assigned me, Rumble, to be the Head Mechanic, gave me ten yordles to work with me and we started building this ship. And I mean, as big as this project was to my career, it was no Tristy. And there’s nothing in this world like my mech. Tristy will always be my baby, even after she got destroyed and I had to make Tristy 2.0, who will always be my baby as well.

Anyway, I set to work, and you know what, with nearly limitless funds you can make a decent ship. It pained me to admit there was a huge difference between my scrapyard mech and the biggest thing I’ve ever seen yordles build. And you know the best bit? It was all me! The blueprints? Mine. The ideas for the material? Also mine. I knew all her secrets, her little weaknesses (yeah, she had some) and the little touches I’d made for her, like the weapons I had added to her kit.

Yeah, she was a Rumble design alright.

But, I was also assigned to be the on board mechanic. Just in case something went wrong. Which, you know, was good. I’d have something else to do and I would be doing what I like best. But, on the other hand, it meant dealing with Teemo and Heimerdinger all day long, for who knows how long, as they’d been assigned Chief Scouter and Head Scientist respectively. I still huff at the decision. On a side – but good – note I’d been assigned Scientist as well, so my decisions were also relevant, so it wasn’t all bad.

But, for some strange reason, one day, we were told Veigar would be on the mission too. I had to plan an extra space for Heimerdinger, as the other members in the ship weren’t comfortable with the Tiny Master of Evil being unsupervised and Teemo was made his bunkbed roommate. Ironic, huh?

Lulu was also there mostly for him, just in case. But the League Tribunal had really insisted on having him on the expedition. They told us in secret that he was a valuable asset if something were to happen and that he’d been in the League for years and nothing had happened. But some of us still weren’t convinced, and for once, I agreed with Teemo: something was going on.

So, Lulu and Tristana shared a room, Teemo and Veigar another, Heirmendinger had to sleep in a bed I’d added to his on-board lab and I had my own quarters to myself.

“I mean, he is kinda like a guest” Whispered Teemo, smiling faintly at Tristana. “Don’t worry about it Trist, he’ll get over it.”

The Gunner grinned back at him and hurried to the control panel.

“Alright everyone! Hold on tight!” She sat down and put her seatbelt on. She started flicking switches on and then hit the clutch and accelerator. The noise of the engine purred, making the hair on the back of my head stand up. “We’re gonna LIFT OFF!”

She was a bit unstable as we took off, but soon enough she was soaring high in the sky, making me extremely proud of my ship. I smiled for a good ten minutes while the other yordles were still getting used to it.

Finally, Tristana was able to switch the autopilot on and she hopped out of her seat, a broad smile on her lips as she addressed me.

“Rumble, this baby’s incredible!” Her hand rested on my shoulder and our gaze met. I felt all warm and fuzzy for a few seconds before she removed her paw and looked at the rest of the crew, well, the ones that were still at the cockpit. I couldn’t help but smirk at the fact that Heirmendinger had waddled off, possibly to be sick.

All the yordles were summoned and the Captain started talking.

“Anyway, we’ve been over this a thousand times before we left, but let’s go over the rules once more.” Tristana said, eyeing each of us. I noticed she avoided looking at Veigar.

“Whose turn is it to cook first?”

“Oh, mine! Mine!” Lulu giggled, raising her hand in the air. “I’m going to make purple lasagne!”

I stared at her in disgust as she laughed and clapped enthusiastically.

“We might change the cooking turns…” I heard Tristana mutter, looking down at her papers.

“And then it’s my turn to wash up.” Teemo piped in.

“I cook dinner tonight.” I cracked the joints of my paws as I said it and Heimendinger looked at me in disgust.

“I wash up.” The Scientist spoke, his eyes still on me. We shared a gaze of mutual hatred for half a second, before he turned to look at the Captain.

“Good. Nice to hear you all know your chores. I will be hanging the ‘Chore Chart’ in the cockpit for the next few weeks. Are we clear?” She asked.

We all muttered in agreement and we proceeded to the next order of the day. The morning went on like this for quite some time, before Lulu had to leave to make lunch.

“Pix is helping!” She yelled as she left the table.

Veigar groaned, his heavy gauntlet hitting his face. He made a weird snort-like sound as we all looked at him.

“Is this really necessary?” He screeched.

“Yeah.” Tristana answered. Her voice had lowered significantly, as if she was trying to sound menacing or authoritarian. “We need to have rules in order to live properly. I know there’s some rivalry on this ship, and the fact that we’re all League champions doesn’t help. But if you don’t want to be abandoned in the middle of nowhere, I suggest you follow them all.”

The Tiny Master of Evil sighed, his gauntlets moving to support his head as he placed it on them.

“Fine. I’ll do the awful chores. But don’t expect me to be nice. Or to get along.”

“Do your fucking best, Veigar. I don’t want anyone upset because of you. We are going to have to live along and you are not going to ruin it for anyone. You do, and you miss out on the great adventure.”

His eyes sparkled slightly as she said those last words and he decided he wasn’t going to provide a snarky remark.

Lunch was purple lasagne. I was hoping it had been a joke, but Lulu placed my plate in front of me, a giant smile on her face. I prodded at it with my fork, noticing no one else – besides the cook – had dared touch their food. The female yordle was currently enjoying her meal, squealing happily with each mouthful and encouraging us to eat.

“Are we going to die?” I asked, lifting the purple mix so I could eye it better.

“Enough. It can’t possibly be that bad.” Veigar said, finally gathering enough courage to eat a small mouthful of the dish Lulu had prepared. We all watched in disbelief as he munched it unenthusiastically until he swallowed.

“Yeah, I don’t think this’ll kill us.” He muttered. “It’s actually decent.”

“Of course it is, Veigy!” Lulu screamed in delight as she watched the rest of us deciding to finally eat her meal. “It’s just normal lasagne that Pix made look purple.”

“You could’ve said that earlier…” Tristana murmured, stuffing a mouthful of the dish into her maw.

“DON’T CALL ME VEIGY EITHER!” The Tiny Master said, slamming his gauntlets on the table.

“Oh, Vei-Vei! I’m so happy you were the first one to try it! It means you actually do trust me!” Lulu squealed and everyone suddenly stopped eating, noticing that what she had said was surprisingly true.

“Shut up.” Veigar muttered, prodding the lasagne lazily.

We were all uncomfortably silent the rest of the meal, as no one wanted to pipe in or question what was going on between those two.

Lulu finished her meal first but waited until Veigar did too. She followed him when he left the table, much to his unhappiness.

“Leave me alone! Stop following me!”

“But it’s fun to be with Veigar!” She screamed, trying to get him to hold her hand.

“NO IT ISN’T! Go away or I’ll cast a spell on you!”

“Oh! What kind of spell? Can I help?”

The last thing we heard were a whole lot of swearing words followed by a long sigh.

“So, what’s the deal between those two?” Tristana asked, looking at me with that twisted smile that meant mischief. I couldn’t help myself and grinned back.

“Something is definitely up.” I answered, drumming my fingers against the table.

“I just don’t get why she likes him.” Groaned Teemo, his face scrunched up in disgust.

“You actually think she likes that… pathetic excuse of a yordle?” Asked Heimerdinger. He looked amused, as if he could actually express emotions.

“Oh, yeah, Lulu likes likes him.” I said, my voice a low purr. “If you know what I mean.”

“Because Rumble knows what females like.” Tristana remarked, a sly smirk spreading on her face as she looked at me, an eyebrow raised. So, we were going to play this game, huh.

“Oh, she doesn’t like Veigar? I bet she wants to kiss him, to say the least. Or maybe they have already!” I grinned back, making it look like Trist’s first comment hadn’t got to me.

“I think she likes him.” Teemo weighed in. “Like like.”

“Why does Veigar put up with that halfwit?” Heimerdinger muttered, sounding as if he was mostly speaking to himself.

“Maybe he likes her back!” Tristana said.

“Because now you know what males like.” I smirked at her and she stuck her tongue out at me.

“I don’t think Veigar’s capable of liking anyone.” Teemo answered. “Or anything, for that matter.”

“I don’t think he likes her back.” Heimerdinger commented.

“I personally think he just enjoys the attention.” I yawned and got up. “Hey, Trist, I almost forgot, I wanna show you something.”

“Ahm, what is it?”

“Come with me to the cockpit.”

She nodded and followed me. Once there I marvelled slightly at my lovely design. She looked at me, her head tilted to one side.

“I gave this baby voice recognition!” I finally said and her eyebrows lifted in amazement.

“Oh, cool!” She giggled. “Hello ship? This is Tristana speaking.”

“You’ve got to push this red button here and then say your name. But wait!” I had to hold her hand back, she was so eager to press it. “Let me tell you the functions it has first.”

I spent about three minutes showing her how to use it and when she finally could she was incredibly keen to try it. She sat down on her seat, held the controls with one hand and pressed the button with a finger of the other.

“Tristana!” She nearly screamed in excitement.

“Hello Tristana.” The female voice responded, sending a chill down my spine.

“Give me manual control, please”

“Granted.” The voice answered and the ship slowed considerably, before Trist got it going again.

“So coooool!” She cheered, manoeuvring the ship left and right, throwing me off balance slightly. “Tell me the temperature of the ship.”

I decided to let her play with her new found toy, so I left for my room.

So far, it hadn’t been a bad first day. But there was still time for it to all go really, really badly.

#League of Legends #lol #a yordle adventure #rosegoldmagnum #for rosegoldmagnum #league of legends fanfiction #yordles #my fanfiction #my writing #lol fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #lol fanfics #league fanfiction #league fanfics #yordle #adventure #tristana #teemo #ziggs #rumble #lulu #veigar #Heimerdinger

[afroarmy94]

Breaking the Rules (m)

Summary: cliche idol au where the boys notice you and it devolves to sinnnn

• "You look so delicious sweetheart that we're doing our best not to eat you up right this instance. Don't test our patience with your adorable pouting because once we're done with you you'll see just how sure we are about our choice." •

Pairing: ot7 x reader

Warnings: pure smut, maybe a hint of like fluffy possessiveness??, some JiHope, it’s an orgy so yeah

Word count: 2.6k

a/n: I’m a terrible tumblr user so maybe check out my ao3: afrohexe. But I want to learn how to format fics better on here! Also this is my first x reader fanfic and I’m super nervoussss. Leave and comments or suggestions!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Standing outside of the concert hall you find yourself almost unable to handle the fact that you're going to see these boys live and not just through your phone screen at ungodly hours of the night.

Time seems to pass too fast and too slow at the same time and before you know it you were already standing in front of the stage. (sorry not sorry to all the other army you pushed out of the way to get there).

Finally, they're there and you're losing your mind. A few songs in you bless your size for being able to barrel you next to the stage because you swear that you've made eye contact with the members multiple times. Knowing that thousands of people have done it before, you pull out your phone just needing to capture what must be a once in a life experience because who will believe you about all this eye contact?? So, you sneak your phone out for a mini video during Joon's part in Mic Drop. His eyes were literally on you till he accidentally tripped and you couldn't believe that you caught such a cute moment on your device!

Thinking nothing of it you put your phone away satisfied. After the mic drop performance they have a mini break where they show small videos on the large screens and as you coo at how cute they are suddenly you feel a firm hand on your shoulder. Thinking it’s another concert goer you shrug them off, but they pull on you and you see that it’s actually a security guard. Your blood runs cold knowing that this could only mean one thing. BigHit did warn everyone that they were enforcing security this year but based on all the fancams you still saw you thought you could get away with it... apparently you were wrong.

You feel your heart drop to the floor as he guides you out of the crowd, you try not to cry as you feel the shame of people staring. The guard ends up bringing you to a room in the concert hall and tells you not to leave till the end of the concert. Finally, alone with your own thoughts you can't stop the tears from falling. You were at least thankful that it was towards the end of the concert and that you wouldn't miss out too much but still not seeing the full concert was heart wrenching.

You don't know how much time has passed when you hear "Are you the little trouble maker? "

You can't believe your eyes when they meet Joon's without a stage separating you. You start blabbering your apologies when he says, " It's alright Y/N we dont mind"

"we?" and then before you can wrap your mind around the fact that he said your name, from behind him come the rest of Bangtan. That was enough for you to start seeing spots and then everything went black.

You feel your head swimming and light piercing your eyes. Maybe you should have stocked up on more sugar before waiting in line for hours, because the hallucinations you were having were so life like. You swear you hear the deep rumble of Jeon Jungkook's voice and either your years of Korean classes were going down the drain or he was actually complaining to his hyungs about how good you smell.

"If you couldn't handle sitting next to her than you shouldn't have pushed us all away Guk" said someone with a tinkling laugh. You feel the body next to you warm up as if the blush has traveled in equal amounts to his embarrassment. And it was this warmth that prompted you to let the dream wash over you and just snuggle into it. Before your world becomes quiet again you hear a gasp followed with a laughter from far away.

As you slowly wake up from the most realistic dream you've ever had about the boys you find your surroundings definitely not being the hotel room you had rented with your limited funds. You start to sit up and see someone in the corner of the room, before you could scream though you recognize the very very familiar face. "H-Hoseok?"

He smiles at you and asks if you're feeling better. All you can do is nod cause you're at a complete loss for words.

"We had to bring you back to our hotel because we couldn't find who you were with, I hope that's okay. We didn't want to leave you at the mercy of our staff," he laughs.

"Oh my god I'm so so sorry about breaking the rules, do you think they'll sue me?? I'll be forbidden to ever attend another concert and I’ll be broke and live on the stree-" he cuts off your rambling with a finger on your mouth. "Shh Y/N it won't be that bad, I'm sure they'll see how sorry you are."

You know these words were meant to comfort you but the look in his eyes did the exact opposite. His fingers move from your mouth down your jaw, and you stay completely still, letting him basically trace your whole face with his hands.

"You're an obedient one aren't you," he purrs. You're surprised your eyes remain in their sockets and that you don't choke on your own saliva because surely he can't be saying what you think. "I know I'm supposed to wait for the others but surely a kiss wouldn't hurt, I'm sure you want to show how sorry you really are right?" You just nod not knowing if he was serious or not. "Use your words, baby."

And before you can even think you're mouth starts moving, "Yes, I want to show you how sorry I am."

"I told you she'd be perfect"

You almost jump three feet in the air when you hear the voice of Namjoon coming into the room. Hoseok looks less than happy with the interruption. "I was just getting to the good part Joooon."

"Not without us you aren't hyung," says Jungkook entering the room as well. You have no control over your face as the members come in one by one, but you know you must be a sight by the way they giggle when they see you.

"She is perfect hyung, look at the way she almost let Hobi-hyung kiss her right away," observes Taehyung and Jimin nods enthusiastically beside him.

Namjoon sits down on the hotel bed next to you and begins to explain, "You see baby I have a talent for judging people from sight, it makes me a good leader as well. And when I saw you shyly trying to film me I knew it wasn't to post on twitter but just for yourself, but I couldn't help but notice that you were filming during quite a risqué scene huh?" You nod shyly " Don't be embarrassed baby girl, you're going to be perfect company for us, we love an angel with a dark side to her."

They must believe you've lost your voice at this point because you're pretty sure you haven't said a single word this whole time since they've all stepped into the room.

"So Princess, would you do the honor of spending a night with us?" This voice comes from Yoongi who's otherwise been standing off to the side quietly observing but the look in his eyes makes it seem like he's really really hoping for this and how could you ever say no to your favorite honey boy.

"Yes, I'd love to spend a night with all of you b-but are you sure me? I'm not tall or thin or especially pretty??" You can't believe you're actually about to ruin this moment with your insecurity but as you gaze down to your ample chest and tum, seeing your thighs pancake as you sit, you can’t help but think it's all a joke. As you look back up you notice that they followed your line of sight. The look in their eyes were so dark you didn't know if you had angered them by making them realize what you actually look like or what.

Jin makes his way behind you placing his hands on your shoulders, "You look so delicious sweetheart that we're doing our best not to eat you up right this instance. Don't test our patience with your adorable pouting because once we're done with you you'll see just how sure we are about our choice."

"So will you let us show you why we chose you? Make sure to use your words so we know."

"Y-yes, please show me."

As you say this Jin reaches in front of you to take off your shirt leaving you in your bra and shorts. You try to cover your stomach but before you can Taehyung reaches and stops you. "Don't hide from us little one, we want to see all of you."

"It's all I could think about when performing" comments Jungkook. The others nod in agreements and you let them start stripping you. There's hands everywhere on you at once pushing you down into the bed and it finally clicks in your head what's happening. As soon as it does you start to feel how unconsciously wet you had already gotten. You notice that Jin is still behind you but now underneath you and you begin to complain about how heavy you are, but he says he wants to feel you on top of him. He tells you how soft your curves are and how he wants to take his time exploring you.

You feel a tickle in your inner thigh. "Look at you dirty girl, were you this wet watching us perform too? Hmmm were you going to stroke this beautiful pussy once you got home tonight?" Jimin seems to be talking to himself more than to you as he tentatively licks your folds. "Oh my fuck, you have to taste her." You had never been confident about your taste but as Jungkook leans in to take a taste as well and hums in appreciation you let out a shameless moan. This seems to be all the consent the rest need to pounce.

Yoongi is asking if he can enter your mouth and as you drool and nod he slips his member in. "F-fuck, her mouth feels so good. I knew your lips would be perfect around my cock baby."

You hear a whine from Tae and you try to give him attention as well, switching between him and Yoongi.

Jin is still underneath you wrapping himself around you and massaging your chest. "Look how they spill out of my palms, you were meant for this weren't you sweetheart. Joon come and fuck our sweetheart's perfect tits." You hear a groan and Joon comes above you to do exactly that. He grabs your breasts and smears his precum on them making them smooth for him to glide in between. This along with Jin pinching your nipples lets you know your chest is going to be sore days later.

"I need to feel her hyungs," whines Jungkook. And before you can register where he wants to feel you, there’s a tentative brush of his hardness against your folds. You're almost ashamed of how soaking you must be. Taking a breath from servicing Tae and Yoongi you plead with Jungkook to enter you. He does so in one thrust and because of how much stimulation you've been getting, you cum from that alone. "Holy shit she's so f-fucking tight. Did you come all over my cock baby? Does it feel that good?" You can do nothing but cry as the aftershocks hit you. Thankfully he waits till you come down to start thrusting. "O-oh my god Jungkook you feel so good." You can't believe how full you feel, your vibrators being nothing compared to this. You hear skin smacking but not just from you and look over to see Hoseok mounting Jimin as they watch you get destroyed by the other boys. They notice you looking and Hoseok smirks, "Don't worry princess, we'll take care of you later as well." Jimin is close enough that you can grab his length in his hand and start pumping him. He lets out a gasp, "You’re such a greedy girl aren't you baby? Does it turn you on to see what you do to us? I can't even wait to be in you later." It's amazing how dominant Jimin still is even while bottoming.

You feel Tae and Yoongi rubbing themselves on your cheek trying to get your attention again. Before you take them back into your mouths you hear Jin ask you something from underneath you. " Think you can handle me in this perfect ass baby hm? Have you had anything in your ass before?" When you say yes, he laughs calling you a dirty angel and starts rubbing himself against your hole before he starts entering. Once he's full seated inside you feel like you might explode from all the sensation.

Jungkook always being competitive won't let you forget him (though you never could anyway) and he starts thrusting deep and hard in time with Jin.

The room is filled with such lewd sounds you're hoping that no one walks by. You are drooling all over Tae and Yoongi's cocks. While you masturbate Jimin who's being plowed by Hoseok. Joon on top of you using your breasts as he pleases. While Jin and Jungkook are inside of you and you swear they're rearranging your insides.

You're about to cum a second time and as you voice this you hear the others grunt in unison, and as the perfectly synchronized group they are you all cum at once and you see stars for the second time this night but this time you recover much quicker. Seeing the boy's faces as they orgasm will be forever imprinted on your mind and you don't even mind the mess they make on you.

You all lie there for a minute just allowing the bliss to wash over you. As Jin and Jungkook slide out of you and Joon grabs a towel to clean you up with. Once your clean you try to reach down to grab your underwear but Hoseok stops you. "When I said that I was going to be inside you later I meant it. You're not going anywhere for the night." Yoongi comes up from behind you and says into your neck, "Actually can you not go anywhere ever cause I haven’t come that hard in a long time and if that was just from your mouth I can't wait to see what your pussy can do."

As you look around you see that everyone is nodding in agreement. "You all want me to like...stay stay with you?"

"I know this must sound like the orgasm talking but baby girl that was an amazing time, I knew you'd be able to handle all of us with this sinful body of yours. If you'll have us we'd love for this to not be a one time thing." Joon's deep breaths lets you know that he's definitely serious about this.

"Hmmm but I think I already paid more than enough for my crime." Their faces fall and as you giggle they get confused. Even though you are super shy you're super sexually open and maybe also a little bratty. So, to see that they'd think you would refuse them was too good an opportunity to pass up. Before Joon can come up with a counter argument you shush him.

"I think the real question here is if you can handle me.... Daddy."

The air becomes still, and you fear that maybe you messed up with that certain kink. But before you can apologize, you see them all hard again. This time there is no hesitation to touch and kiss you as hard as they want. As you feel two of them try to enter you at once this time you realize that maybe you bit off more than you can chew...

#BTS smut #BTS #BTS scenarios #BTS imagines #BTS x reader #ot7 x reader #chubby reader #BTS idol au #army reader #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook

[provincianx-blog]

what i learned from unlearning everything that i know

lessons from middle school, aurora, and beyond. 

at the age of fifteen, my mom forced my brother and me to leave our home in hayward, ca upon discovering that my dad had been using meth again and wasting all of his money on catfishes on the internet. 

my mom and dad had been separated for longer than my brother and I were aware of, but my mom finally had the courage to really leave him in july of 2011. she loved him her entire life, but she was done taking care of someone that wasn’t taking care of her. she was done taking care of someone who didn’t love her enough to take care of himself. she was done. 

while this seems incredibly simple, leaving hayward prompted what would turn into a 7 year identity crisis. 

as an outcast at every school i transferred to, i found a community on this website with my best friends from middle school and random strangers who loved harry potter and other fandoms as ridiculously as we did. true commitment to friendship would transcend from anonymous messages on tumblr to mutual follows on twitter. and here we are: in the age of twitter.

upon switching up different meds, after over a decade of looking for mental and emotional stability, i found out that i have bipolar-1, which still doesn’t make that much sense to me, but i’m beginning to understand it more than i did before.

i’m grateful to have been obsessed with star wars when i first saw revenge of the sith on opening night because of my tita and her husband’s work perks. i loved padme and she was my first crush but also my first example of a strong girl in mainstream film in addition to mulan (bruh i used my mulan costume for like 3 years and never gave a single HECK). i would then beg my dad to take me to blockbuster to watch the original trilogy, where i met carrie fisher/princess leia, who would radically transform how i saw the world and myself.

i grew up with my tita and tito. they took care of me when they were in college, and they’re still taking care of me now. i want to be able to take care of their kids and love them as much as they loved me growing up. i love them with all that i am and all that i can give. 

i studied politics because i wanted to make sure that my younger cousins and my baby brother would have a better world to grow up in than i did. it seems that my undiagnosed mental illness of nearly 14 years has been exacerbated by the political climate we live in today in 2018. 

i learned so much about life by learning about my own history, and i hope that everyone has this opportunity in their lifetime. it feels great, and the only one who seems to really get it is ariana grande. 

so here are 14 things i learned from being mentally ill and emo while being passionate about wanting to make the world a better and more habitable place. 

1. don’t trust the feds: a lot of 2nd amendment boys actually don’t trust the government as much as people think, and the 2A comes from settlers’ distrust in colonial Britain. the problems we see today are because the GOP has lured these same people and their kids (and their kids) into their corner by advocating for organizations like the NRA; gun control has reached the Supreme Court, but the 2nd amendment took precedent (i believe). gun control must come from the state and local governments, but political participation in these arenas are very low, especially for younger voters. i, as someone who has been involuntarily hospitalized despite voluntarily seeking medical help, am not allowed to buy a gun in the state of california for 5 years. and honestly, i really don’t care because i don’t want to need a gun anyway, but the poor and the middle class in the south feels that they need guns. 

2. stay woke: deray said this nearly everyday after michael brown was shot by darren wilson in ferguson, missouri. michael brown was my wake up call to reassess my complacency in the status quo and my participation in reinforcing anti-blackness. in the bay area, the n word was used so casually in places like union city/hayward that we became so desensitized to it. it’s still used casually, but non-black people like myself have no agency in saying it because we’re not black. it’s as simple as that. i began noticing how my family reacted to what would turn into the Black Lives Matter movement, and for the first time, i felt that i could no longer trust my relatives if they were complicit in the murders of black youth simply because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. i couldn’t even talk to them without crying because of how upset i got from the anti-blackness i would hear. i began to isolate myself and found community on twitter. 

3. our youth is a reflection of how good things were and how good things can become if we learn to build community: in addition to the community i found on tumblr through avatar, harry potter, and the beatles, i found community with all the losers who had xbox’s instead of ps3′s. we would hang out and play search and destroy (which i still cannot succeed in after all this time smh agjhgarhdfhre) or 1v1 each other on rust. my nerd friends would let my brother and I play with them regardless of how much we sucked, and they hyped me up even when my KDR was trash. these friendships would then transcend from mw2, halo 3, and into runescape. my brother is now really good at overwatch, and the friends i made in middle school are also really good at overwatch. the difference now is that they’re making money off of it, and i’m just like, “let’s get this bread, nerds!” thank you for being there for me even though i sucked at everything i tried doing. i was reminded of this when i watched “mid90s” by Jonah Hill. our youth was such a pure period of time, but it was also the time we lost ourselves through imposing harmful social norms onto each other, such as the idea that a girl cannot be “just friends” with a boy. but - here’s the kicker - i’m queer, and i don’t really like cis-het men hahahahahahahahaha but whatever. 

4. becoming american made me forget who i am: our immigrant parents teach us that the only way is to assimilate into white America, which is essentially what happened to black and brown people following the civil rights movement. the notion of egalitarianism/equality has been nothing but harmful for all of us nonetheless, fueling debates on affirmative action and pitting black people against asian people. one of my best friends from elementary school is in prison for trying to make a living with the resources and skills made available to him. he was apprehended in thousand oaks. he is a black man, and we grew up in the same environment, but his life has been so different since we were in elementary school. the concept of equality/egalitarianism stemming from civil war gains (13th-15th amendments) has manifested into the racial inequality we see today; in other words, the idea that white americans and POC are equal has been harmful because this has never been true and continues to be untrue. my filipino friends and i would get bullied by white latinos for not speaking english in america, which is why i learned to hate myself and my culture. i love myself and my culture, and i am fighting so that i can return home to the philippines someday. 

5. our bodies are different, and that’s okay: can y’all believe that i got bullied for not having boobs in the 3rd grade? this is what happens when young girls are sexualized so early. boys participate in this, and they turn out to be shitty boyfriends later on. girls will be girls. girls just wanna be treated like human beings instead of sexual objects. i don’t think this needs to be explained further. 

6. america is a settler-colonial state turned global power, and that is problematic: this country began with the murders and deaths of indigenous people because of imperalistic pursuits. it was built on the backs of slave labor from africa. it was reinforced by colonialism through the conquering of countries such as the philippines. we’re socialized to believe that there’s no place like america and that america is such a good place to be in, but that is only true for white Americans and POC who have integrated into white American suburbs. 

7. know history, know self: - jose rizal 

8. if my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that is unacceptable - carrie f. fisher

9. at times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of - carrie f. fisher

10. rebellions are built on hope - princess/general leia organa + jyn erso

11. we have nothing to lose but our chains - assata shakur

12. keep ya head up - tupac shakur

13. everything i’m not made me everything i am - kanye west

14. i remember you was conflicted

misusing your influence

sometimes i did the same

abusing my power full of resentment

resentment that turned into a deep depression

found myself screaming in the hotel room

i didn’t wanna self destruct

the evils of lucy was all around me

so i went running for answers

until i came home

but that didn’t stop survivor’s guilt

going back and forth trying to convince myself the stripes i earned

or maybe how a-1 my foundation was

but while my loved ones was fighting the continuous war back in the city

i was entering a new one

a war that was based on apartheid and discrimination

made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what i learned

the word was respect

just because you wore a different gang color than mine’s

doesn’t mean i can’t respect you as a black man

forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets

if i respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us

but i don’t know, i’m no mortal man

- kendrick lamar

#star wars #fandoms #reflection #politics #writing

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 6 - VGK - Vagas Nights

Whenever Rob Ray said Vegas it sounded like he switched out the first e for an a. “Vagas” is what sounded like. The weird thing is that Ray isn’t the only broadcaster I’ve heard do it. I thought it was a Canadian accent thing at first but RJ isn’t doing it. Hmm. Well I predict unlike the Golden Knights I haven’t heard that last of it. Vegas is all about predictions. You go into the casino predicting you’ll win money; otherwise you wouldn’t go in. Bovada, an internet gambling site, releases Stanley Cup Champions odds periodically. We all crowd around and read them treating them like everything else in Vegas: a prediction (They’re not predictions, they’re betting lines to get your money). All us hockey reporters, bloggers and fans make our predictions for the NHL season before it starts. I predicted Rasmus Dahlin would score a goal in the first three games. I was wrong: he didn’t score a goal until the fifth game.  Vegas was one team no one really had a solid prediction for this season. Their inaugural season last year broke all expectations and smashed records not even just in hockey but in American sports. They were in their first season. They were supposed to be trash and they made the Stanley Cup Final. Who knows what they could be this year? Then they had a trash start and the Buffalo Sabres beat them 4-2 last week. Unpredictable: that’s not how last night went. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Okay, no more puns… this paragraph. Buffalo met the hungry Vegas that made the Cup Final last season and lost 4-1.

The First Period began with the blue and gold pushing pretty well. The forecheck was firing. They defended in the neutral zone. It looked like the transition was really rolling, once the puck got into the O-Zone the boys lined up to make a play. However as the period dragged on the Golden Knights began to hear the sound of their building and push back. Vegas was not ready to go flush in this season series; flush is when you lose, right? Someone who knows gambling tell me. Sam Reinhart and Rasmus Dahlin both let up a bit too much as Shea Theodore streaked into the zone and tucked one in five-hole on Carter Hutton. The coaching staff saved this one though and the off sides challenge was successful for once in our adult lives. The score was back to snake eyes. Giggles. The push from the home team didn’t let up and more and more the Sabres were pushed from the neutral zone to the defensive zone. Marco Scandella got penalized for a wonky holding call and Jonathan Marchessault scored on the ensuing powerplay. Buffalo got worked in the last minute of play letting shots galore and survived the opening 20 with only one goal against. I had high hopes the second would be different.

Unfortunately the only goal added in the middle frame was a shorthanded Vegas goal by Cody Eakin. Short-Handed goal…*shutters at flashbacks to the first ten games last season*… ugh. This goal made me consider how motivated I was to stay up late. This is New Look Sabres and I am far too obsessed with this team so no, I went through this whole period and the next one. Buffalo built up some fight this period even getting some decent shots. Jeff Skinner stood up for Casey Mittelstadt in a weird half fight that came after a halfway decent shot. Let’s just say when I had to break up a literal cat fight on the floor in front of my couch it felt like a reprieve from this game. Then again, Kyle Okposo went for a speed skate around the Knights zone at one point and fed Dahlin for a shot that just woke me up enough to carry me through the rest of this period. The third however was a merciless cup of zanex comparatively. Buffalo worsened their already shattered powerplay going 0-3. This makes the Sabres powerplay 4-18 so far this season. Right after I had formulated all the scenarios where the Sabres get a goal and pitch a comeback, it was only a two goal lead after all; William Karlsson tucked a quick draw shot off the faceoff behind Hutton. The rest of the period dragged on hard and Housley pulled Hutton with four and half minutes left in regulation but no; I’m not going into the Housley hate well today. 4-1 it ended, and let it be known I stayed up to the very end: through the late Sabres goal, the failed goaltender interference review and even the Vegas empty netter until 12:46 AM eastern time. I have a job. This hurt… but hey, at least Fleury didn’t get the shutout.

There was one moment in the first when Carter Hutton played the puck from behind the net to a defender in the riskiest way possible. Hutton wasn’t the biggest problem at all in this game and a few bad moves could be the theme of this game. I don’t know a position on this team that played consistently. At that point in the game it was indicative to this forward group that you can’t let all these shots or you’ll pay for it. Not only can Hutton not bail you out of all these situations, it’s becoming a trend to make him save 30-40 shots through 60 minutes. Hutton is not going to be able to keep saving that many shots; someone other than the Rasmusi (well Risto when he feels like it) and McCabe need to play defense. Rasmus Dahlin was beautiful except for that blown coverage on the first goal but Marco Scandella convinced me in this game that his pairing with Ristolainen minus well be called the pairing of ill-used defensemen. There will come a day Dahlin is moved up to the top pairing but it’s probably not soon and it’s probably not wise quite yet anyway. I know you’ve been ill used on the top pairing for years, Risto, but you guys got shore that up for now. It’s great to see Zach Bogosian back in a game for the first time since last winter but I didn’t notice him. Anyone trying to trade Tage Thompson needs to chill out. Matt Tennyson getting sent down wasn’t good enough for you? Everyone needs their pound of flesh, right? 12 different players with blocked shots not only means your forcing forwards into that position but that you’re playing a weak defensive strategy that depends on putting your body on the line! That shit ain’t going to last boys! And by shit I mean the limbs you’re sacrificing to the hockey gods with this defensive style.

This loss was not the loss I was hoping for on this road trip. The California triad ahead will not be a sweep and this would’ve been an awesome win to have. I digress; I suppose we’re still learning .500 is the beginning of good not a life jacket you need to stay near. Sabres fans including me have been more apoplectic about every little mistake through these first six games than any time in recent memory. It’s a good sign. We don’t have any recent frame of reference for a halfway decent team so this is rough to deal with mentally; especially with how hot and cold Buffalo has been so far. These three losses so far have not been easy ones either: each tanking the goal differential and driving the most faithful among us mad. We can allot blame, yes, some is due to Phil Housley, but perhaps the sparks of light we’re seeing are more important than the glaring mistakes that seem to drag down the losses and disappear in the wins. A wise coach once said practice your strengths because what makes you special is why you’re in the big dance. We should expect them to fix the errors like the middling d-zone coverage or the awful powerplay but unlike past seasons this team is more than their shortcomings. I said they won’t sweep California but would anyone be surprised if they win two of those games? If they’re still hot and cold in December it will be a problem but consistency will come. I have more faith in this team than any other in the Eichel Era and I have already forgotten what happened in Vagas: from here on out there Vagas.

I’ve gone a little long today so let’s put a bow on Vagas. I am beginning to see the response to these columns. I see a follow on twitter here, a follow on tumblr there, a reply that seems connected to a blog reference there. It’s cool just to know people other than my brother and dad are reading this. I hope it’s not like Dahlin on the top powerplay unit last night: short-lived. Share it around. When you do it, don’t tell them I am some insightful analyst. I can assure you I am no Hockey mind. However, I used the word apoplectic in this piece so I can’t be that stupid either, eh? Expect the games that start after 9 out on the West Coast to not get a New Look Sabres post until the following day. I love the Sabres but I like sleep quite a bit too. Let’s hope the Sabres give us things worth staying up for!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. The Chicago Blackhawks temporary logo on twitter is D1K right now. Look at it; it may give you a laugh at this tough time. Tell me what you think it looks like.

#buffalo sabres #hockey #vagas #nhl

[filmfreak1994]

Change the Channel

A lot of people have been talking about their experiences with Channel Awesome in the wake of the 60+ page document released by Allison Pregler and several other former content creators for Channel Awesome. I figured I might throw my own experience with the site and its people (mostly Doug) too while the topic is relevant, even considered dusting off the old camera I got for Christmas to film a video but allergy season is upon us and I’m coughing up my lungs so the written word it is.

I was a frequent user of YouTube in the early days of its inception, mostly to look up viral videos and just go on a stream of pointlessness for hours on end with each recommended vid in the sidebar (mostly consisting of parodies to Star Wars, LotR, and entire Simpsons episodes uploaded before the great purge of early 2008). In all that time between 2006 and 2007, reviewers like the Angry Video Game Nerd and The Nostalgia Critic eluded me. I saw plenty of the 5 Second Movie clips and thought they were hysterical but didn’t even make the connection that they were made by a “Nostalgia Critic” until around the end of 2009, when a friend of mine at school told me to look up NC’s review of Sonic the Hedgehog (the weird TV show and the futuristic evil Jim Cummings one). I finally gave in which led me to watching some of his other, recent reviews like the “Star Wars Holiday Special” which was freaking hysterical (and still brings a warm smile to my face just thinking about it). By the time the new year rolled around and I had discovered That Guy With The Glasses I was hooked.

For a while I stuck to watching reviews on YouTube when fans would rip them from the main site, but decided to eventually support the site itself where I mostly stuck to NC videos but also watched content from the other producers when it interested me; Spoony and his Final Fantasy reviews, Linkara and any comic with a subject material I was familiar with, Marzgurl and her Don Bluth retrospective, so on and so forth. Like many other people, I wasn’t keeping up with every producer’s videos weekly like I was with NC, but when I decided to watch something else their content was worth it, being funny and informative all at once, even creating new branches of my interest and giving me new perspectives on media criticism.

I watched Nostalgia Critic religiously every week and, sorry to say, started to take his opinion as gospel, and the opinions of other reviewers as well, treating certain movies and shows as bad just because they said so and didn’t have an opinion for myself for the longest time. It was when I started to pay attention to Doug Walker himself and his philosophy that you should like what you like and every movie is a miracle that I started to chill out and even disagree with his opinions at times (I remember his “Little Nemo” review made me seek out that movie and I actually quite enjoyed it).

TGWTG was a formative site for me in my high school years, developing much of my sense of humor and how I look at movies. I watched all the anniversary specials, started to watch a greater portion of producers that included Lindsay and Kyle’s more analytical reviews and Brad Jones’s and Matthew Buck’s mix of cynicism and snark with genuine analytical praise and criticism. I even started to look at music critics like Paw or Todd even though I can’t judge music for shit (if it has a catchy beat I’ll more or less dig it, I’m not picky). I always imagined when I moved out for college (yeah, how’d that work out for ya, younger me) that I would start my own review series in the vein of these online personalities and even be picked up for the site where I too could join in on the anniversary movies and have a swell time and make friends with the people I looked up to and have a good time filming huge crossover events with them (in hindsight I can only imagine what role Doug would have me play in them, if I was even deemed important to be in them at all). Whenever people criticized the anniversary movies I just shrugged it off and said, “Yeah, they’re dumb, but I like em anyway,” and when rumors starting going around about some upside down crucifixion going on I shrugged them off as just rumors (and to be fair it wasn’t upside down but the real thing isn’t much better).

Anyway, around the time when To Boldly Flee came I enjoyed the movie a lot (I only saw it the once and I was eighteen, eighteen-year-old me and present me don’t get on anymore) and thought it was a bittersweet conclusion to The Nostalgia Critic but was excited to see what new projects Doug and the company would do after its conclusion. Plus the other contributors still had their content to keep TGWTG going strong into the foreseeable future. At least I thought.

I didn’t hate Demo Reel, but I didn’t like it all that much either. I only caught around a few episodes before losing interest, saying I’d get back into it eventually but never going out of my way to see them. By accounts they got better as they went along and I was interested in the episode that paid tribute to Elizabeth Hartman (which I think is the same episode that had Mara Wilson and Arin Hanson? I might be wrong (I didn’t even know who Arin was at the time but hindsight is 20/20)), but I just put off watching them until, oh look, NC’s back. At the time I thought this was interesting, there was plenty he could still do with the character given his new ground rules and the emphasis on skits gave the show a different tune that I felt, at the time, kept it fresh from what it was before. I missed the simplicity of the earlier reviews but I happily stuck with the NC again, as well as the same creators I’d happily watched before and plenty more I started to watch like Phelous (around the time he did that weird Aladdin meets Pagemaster movie, I used to rent that from Hollywood Video all the freaking time).

It was around this tumultuous time that Doug actually kinda started to annoy me. Never to the point where I stopped watching NC, but he sort of seemed to forget his whole “Like what you like,” message and outright attacked fans who disagreed with him. Certain jokes in his reviews rubbed me the wrong way (if Irate Gamer can’t get away with blowing up Ubisoft cuz they wouldn’t let him into a conference, you can’t get away with pretending to blow up Happy Madison just because they make shit movies) and he had a general vindictiveness to those who liked movies like “Man of Steel” or “The Lorax” that just seemed mean spirited and not a funny little video meant to entertain (though I guess the signs were always there like when he added in a dig at “Avatar” in his “Conan” review for no reason). But by and by he seemed to mellow out (no doubt dealing with problems letting go of Demo Reel and how big a success he thought it would be) and I still watched his stuff, including the vlogs he did with Rob regarding “Avatar” (the good one, hey I did it too!), “Korra,” “Adventure Time,” and any recent movie that came out. I started to agree with them less and less but they were still entertaining guys and I liked what they were doing.

Some of the shadier stuff going on at the site more or less flew over my head. The game show they did was pretty much “Demo Reel” part two for me in how much interest I had in it and that faded from public consciousness pretty quickly, and it was around the time the site switched from TGWTG to just Channel Awesome that a real shift began to become more noticeable. People were leaving. People I may not have watched all the time, but they were leaving, often times unannounced and seemingly unprovoked (because quite a few of them were). I read about what happened to Allison, aka Obscurus Lupa, who I had watched on and off again and thought that was pretty shitty, and got a general grasp that the management of CA itself wasn’t very good from what she and Lindsay alluded to (or just straight up said, they really should’ve had some NDAs if they cared so much about how they look) in some posts on Tumblr or Twitter but I still carried on watching NC and the other creators on the site mostly because I just figured what every fan figured at the time, Doug was mostly innocent and it was Michaud and Rob who were the real strings behind big decisions like who stays and goes (I liked Rob fine, but even back then I knew he could be kind of an ass).

More and more people from the classic era of TGWTG were leaving or not producing as much for the site as they did and that was a shame. CA was never what TGWTG felt like to me, even if the purpose was to put more focus on the other producers (supposedly (hell, TGWTG did a way better job of featuring producers in my opinion even if it wasn’t perfect)). But whatever, I carried on every Tuesday watching NC, watching other creators when their stuff interested me, but it still wasn’t quite the same as before, and I had become more aware of the general bad experience most people had filming the anniversary movies even if the full extent of that didn’t come until a few days ago.

It was really when Lewis announced that he had left and I found the Change the Channel hashtag that I started to take notice of these stories, finding plenty of them on my own from the links to Twitter conversations many of the former contributors were having before reading them on the Google doc. I was torn, wondering if I should boycott NC with all that I had read and decided to make it a temporary one until the doc came out and to see if he or CA would provide a statement. Well, the doc came out and the apology not long after. And yeah, I moved it to a permanent ban after that bullshit.

I’ve given up watching people I loved before, JonTron and his racist bullshit was the last straw in supporting anything he did, and even with the Me Too movement I’ve given up any kind of support for people like Kevin Spacey who I used to love as an actor (now it’s pretty easy to see how he was able to play such scumbag villains over and over again). I know Doug isn’t a Nazi or Nazi sympathizer, and to my knowledge he hasn’t used his position to sexually take advantage of anyone (though he has turned a blind eye to others doing the same and the same can’t be said for taking advantage of people in other ways), but I just couldn’t watch stuff directly made by him and for Channel Awesome with all this information. It wouldn’t be right, even with an adblocker. 

I don’t mean to threaten the livelihood of people on his team like Malcolm or Tamara, I like them a great deal and they’re very talented, heck I even enjoyed the skits on NC a lot more than most because of them (and Rachel, she was great too). But I said to myself until an actual apology is listed and some form of action is taken to truly better the site, I wouldn’t watch them. Others have suggested and I have thought the same, that the best thing to do would be to fire Michaud, though I realize this would create a slew of problems given that he owns the IP for NC and is the founder of CA. Still, some form of acknowledgement from the Walkers would go a long way to bettering the public response to all this. More and more contributors have left in the wake of this document, either out of fear for their own image or to show solidarity with the many complaints levied toward the site (and their reasons are completely valid no matter what, they’re trying to make a living), looking at the site today it’s practically a ghost town. I don’t blame those that have stayed for anything, but the reputation of CA is tarnished and at this point, especially with that piss-poor “apology,” it’s going to take several huge leaps to get it back.

I realize the purpose of Change the Channel was never to create a boycott of NC or any of the Walker’s content, at least by the majority of those who contributed to the docs, and those who choose to boycott do so of their own volition. Well, that’s my volition. No matter how much NC shaped my sense of humor in my younger years and inspired me to look at movies critically myself, I can’t deny the damage that Doug and Rob have been complicit in nor turn a blind eye to the shady practices they, Michaud, and past executives on the site have done. 

I really do wish that what was seemingly apparent in front of the camera, that this was a site filled of talented people who were also good friends having a good time, was true behind the scenes as well. People have been hurt, assaulted, taken advantage of, and tossed aside when they were no longer useful to the site. It’s not right, and I’m literally changing the channel until actual change is made.

#Channel Awesome #The Nostalgia Critic #Doug Walker #Rob Walker #Mike Michaud #ChangetheChannel #an explanation of my thoughts on NC as a whole #and why I'm boycotting him until further notice

[artificialqueens]

Pretty Mess Chapter 5 (Chiona)

A/N: well boy has it been a hot minute since I updated this fic. This chapter’s been sitting in my folder for ages, and after nearly a full damn year of not updating, she back. Life just got super busy, and I actually became more of a twitter stan so I wasn’t really on tumblr that much. But, nevertheless, here I am! I’m gonna try write and update a bit more frequently at least until I get this done, because I got a bit attached to this fic to be completely honest. Hope y'all enjoy xx

TW: s*lf h*rm mention, weed, swearing

Roy didn’t hear from him again for another two weeks. Although upset, he decided to leave Danny be for a while, so he didn’t seem too eager. But then a week and a half went by, and Roy started to get frustrated. It seemed as though Danny was ignoring him. Obviously, the kiss had bothered him to the point that he needed to keep his distance.

The events of that night continued to play out in Roy’s head. Everything from his comforting Danny to the feeling of his soft, plump lips against his. The look of disappointment he could have sworn that Danny had when he said that they should forget the kiss ever happened (however this was probably just Roy’s mind playing tricks on him). He didn’t regret the kiss, not one bit. He’d been wanting to kiss Danny for a long time, and it felt amazing to finally let out all the pent-up emotions he’d had toward the younger queen. But what he did regret was that he had clearly taken it too far. Danny had jolted away so quickly as soon as Roy reached down for his pants that Roy thought he had accidentally hurt him or something. But that wasn’t the case. What confused him, however, was that Danny had taken off both of their shirts, instigating something a little bit more than a make out session, yet pulled away so fast, and so suddenly. Like he was repulsed. Roy had mulled the entire situation over, unable to stop himself from thinking about it, and he realised that Danny probably had a reality check. Sobered up a little bit, and realised what it was that he was doing. And Roy would be lying if he said that the thought of that didn’t make his heart sink.

The only other thing he regretted was not asking more about that fucking blade. Sure, he didn’t want to pry anything out of Danny, or make him uncomfortable. But there was clearly something wrong; Danny was normally really emotional ; he cried a lot; and often thought with his heart and not his head. And it was understandable for him to be upset, since he’d just had a mental breakdown, which had been filmed and would most likely end up being broadcast on television. However there was something off about Danny, like there was something more there that he wasn’t telling anyone. And Roy knew that this blade had something do to it, judging by the way Danny completely froze when he brought it up. And as much as he didn’t want to think about it, the first thing that sprung to mind was that Danny could be cutting himself. It made lots of sense for this to be the case; the blade in the backpack and Danny’s clear nervousness when Roy asked about the blade suggested it. Even though this was most likely what was the problem, Roy desperately hoped that this wasn’t the case. Danny deserved the world, and Roy didn’t want to see him anything but happy.

Roy caught himself smiling thinking of him; thinking of his gorgeous smile and infectious laugh; his carefree, messy attitude that Roy admired; how gorgeous his green eyes were. Holy fuck, he was in deep for this boy and he was only just realising it now. The feelings had always been there, he just never admitted them to himself until that damn kiss. But when Danny pulled away, that’s when Roy knew that he could confirm that these feelings were more than just a little crush. Never before had he felt such disappointment, such a strong feeling of emotional frustration, the feeling of a strong lump forming in his throat as he choked back tears. Because he knew. He knew that Danny saw him only as a friend and this bothered Roy more than he cared to admit.

Roy was in the middle of a rollercoaster of emotions and it was fucking exhausting. And on top of all of this, he was worried about Danny. At first, he thought that he was just distancing himself from Roy, especially after the kiss. But then, after two weeks of Danny being inactive on social media, and multiple texts from some of the All Stars 2 queens asking after him due to him not responding to their messages, the only thing on Roy’s mind was whether Danny was okay. And before he knew it, Roy had found himself sitting in his car outside the front of Danny’s apartment.

He was debating with himself as to if he should go and see Danny. He didn’t want to seem like he was pushy or anything, he just needed to know that his friend was okay. And despite the somewhat positive note that their last meeting had ended with, Roy was terrified to confront Danny. However, his legs were carrying him to the front door before he could even consider driving away.

As he knocked on the door, his breathing grew uneven. After a few seconds, he heard movement behind the door and his breath hitched in his throat. Quickly, he tried to relax his face a bit and even out his breathing. Never let a bitch see you sweat.

The front door swung open, and Roy was immediately met with the strong smell of weed and the sound of David Bowie being played over the speakers… He looked up to see Danny, and he could have sworn that his heart skipped a beat. His black hair was dishevelled and messy, yet adorable, and he had some intense stubble. His face was slightly red, and a little bit puffy, bags circling his eyes, but he somehow still looked beautiful. To top it off he was wearing long pyjama pants and an oversized t shirt, and he looked so incredibly cozy.

Danny’s expression softened slightly when he saw that it was Roy on the other side of his door.

“Hey, chola” Roy said, with a small smile.

“Hey, bitch” Danny smiled, running a hand through his messy hair and leaning slightly against the doorframe.

“Good to see you’re still alive, I was coming over here to check on you” Roy immediately justified, “Obviously you haven’t been responding to anyone’s texts because you’ve been too busy turning your house into a hot box, Laganja”.

Danny pulled a face.  

“My phone’s been on airplane mode, you asshole,” he laughed, with a smile that seemed more like a grimace, “Come in.” Danny grabbed Roy’s hand and pulled him inside.

“Why’s it been on airplane mode?” Roy asked, noticing the multiple cigarette butts and empty beer bottles littered all around the house, mostly on the floor of the lounge room.

Danny slumped down on the couch and attempted to clean up a bit.

“I’ve just been having a bit of a creative rush, I needed space to concentrate”

“Did you get anything done?” Roy asked, finding a place to sit.

“Yeah, I started writing a few songs!” Danny’s eyes lit up, immediately stopping his cleaning quest and dropping the beer bottles back on the coffee table again. Roy couldn’t help but smirk. “Do you wanna hear?”

Roy bit his lip to suppress a grin.

“Of course queen! I can pay you with love instead of money for once, being your sugar daddy can get a bit boring sometimes”

Danny laughed and hit him lightly on the shoulder, but Roy was instantly kicking himself for referring to himself as Danny’s ‘sugar daddy’, especially after what happened the last time they saw each other. Danny didn’t seem to take any notice of it, however, and Roy breathed a sigh of relief.

“Okay, so I don’t know what to call this one yet but I’m really proud of what I have so far, I just have a verse and the chorus-”

“Just sing, chola” Roy jokingly snapped, a warm smile on his face as he interjected the younger boy’s blabbering.

Danny, although not showing it, was incredibly nervous. This song was  written about Roy, and Danny really hoped that he wouldn’t pick up on it. But he was too proud of what he had written to keep it hidden away, so he was going to take the risk. When his breathing calmed down, he opened his mouth and sang.

Road trip when I lost my crown

To get away from this crazy town

He never seemed to look my way

My lover stays with his poker face…

You know how they say I only have eyes for you?

Well you better be looking back at me babe…

Said you better be looking back at me babe

You know how they say I only have eyes for you?

Well you better be looking back at me babe…

Said you better be looking back at me babe

It always shocked Roy when Danny started singing. He would always forget how amazing his voice was until he heard it again, and every time he did he was caught by surprise. And hearing it like this; singing such a beautiful song…it left Roy absolutely floored.

“That’s all I’ve got so far” Danny told him, biting his lip and waiting for feedback.

“Wow, Danny…that was amazing” Roy complimented, breathless, looking up at a beaming Danny.

“I’m so fuckin proud of myself, you have no idea”

“That’s so great, willow” Roy grinned “But just please don’t disappear like that again; I was worried about you”

“I’m sorry” Danny sighed, comfortingly squeezing Roy’s shoulder “I just needed some space”

“I know.“ Roy said softly, “But, Queen, I got so many texts asking if I knew whether you were okay, I couldn’t even get through them all”

“Oh shit, really?”

“No one’s heard from you for two weeks, Danny”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t really think too much of it” Danny frowned, reaching over to his phone and switching off airplane mode for the first time in 2 weeks. Immediately, it erupted with thousands of notifications, and Danny’s eyes widened.

“I don’t see how you managed to go without your phone for so long, that’s some impressive shit, Danny” Roy scoffed sarcastically. Danny hummed in agreement, with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Roy assumed he was focusing on something on his phone, so he didn’t think anything of it.

Danny was telling the truth; he had spent the last two weeks writing music. But it wasn’t the whole truth. The past fortnight had consisted of him sleeping, moping around, chain smoking (and then getting upset when he struggled to hit the high notes), drinking, eating junk, cutting most days, and spending most of the time completely zoned out. And on top of all of this, he hadn’t showered in a while, and probably smelled like death. He wasn’t going to tell Roy, though; he had done so much to comfort Danny recently, and he didn’t want to be weak in front of someone so strong.

“I better let people know I’m not dead” Danny scoffed, picking up his phone and trying to avoid the oncoming silence between them.

“Good idea, queen. Twitter’s been going off wondering where the hell you disappeared to”

As Danny typed up a tweet, Roy’s mind was whirring. How long was it going to be before they talked about what happened between them? Was it even something they needed to talk about, or was he just reading to far into the situation? Was it just him feeling the sexual tension between them? He didn’t want to ruin the mood; even though Roy could tell it was a façade, Danny seemed happy and vibrant, and he didn’t really want to make things uncomfortable. So, albeit hesitantly, Roy kept his mouth shut.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Danny asked, breaking his train of thought.

“No, I don’t think so, why?”

“We’re having a movie day” Danny announced, putting down his phone and pulling Roy over to the couch before he could protest.

“Maybe I should clean up a little bit first, though” Danny mused, beginning to gather up the multiple empty beer cans strewn across the room.

“You think, queen? It looks like something blew up in here” Roy stated dryly, proceeding to help his friend clear everything away, “How the fuck do you live like this?”

“I’m a messy slut” Danny winked.

After they had cleaned the living room, Danny was walking toward the couch cradling a six pack of beers and a large bowl of popcorn.

“There you go, chola” Danny handed Roy a beer and carefully sat down on the couch.

“You can choose what we watch, queen, I don’t mind” Roy normally wouldn’t be so quick to let Danny choose what they watched, most of their movie nights involving lots and lots of negotiations, but Roy wanted to make him happy. They finally decided on Halloween (Danny’s favourite move), and as the credits started an uncomfortable silence suddenly fell over the pair of them. And what made it so uncomfortable was that they were sitting on either end of the couch, as far away from each other as possible.

Roy shifted in his spot, nervously taking quite a large sip of his beer. The strange silence was obviously the product of their kiss two weeks ago; otherwise they’d be cuddled up on the couch together, a calming and comfy silence shared between the two of them, just like normal. But because of the kiss, they were as far away from each other as they possibly could be on the couch. The kiss was playing on the back of both of their minds, and the thought of it was exactly what made the air awkward. It was almost like they were scared to get too close to each other, afraid of what would happen if someone initiated any type of contact, even if it was platonic.

And Danny didn’t like the atmosphere one bit. He quickly became jittery and anxious, bouncing his leg up and down as he tried to focus on the movie. For some reason, Roy’s silence made Danny assume that he was mad or something about the fact that he had pulled away from the kiss. And Danny didn’t like the thought of Roy being upset at him one bit. Unable to shut his mind up, he abruptly rushed out of the room, returning with a bong and some of his weed stash. As he placed everything down on the coffee table, Roy watched his shaky hands set everything out.

“Chola, you do realise that if you keep smoking that shit you’re gonna wreck your voice” Roy commented, watching Danny lean his back against the couch as he ground the weed up.

“I know” Danny snapped. Roy opened his mouth to respond, but was left lost for words. Danny obviously needed to smoke to calm himself down, so Roy decided not to comment.

Danny visibly relaxed as soon as he took a hit; his shoulders drooping lazily; his breathing slowing and eyes closing. But Roy couldn’t figure out why he seemed so on edge in the first place; normally he was relaxed when they were around each other, Danny always saying that Roy was one of the few people who could keep him calm. Jesus Christ, Roy thought, This kiss has really fucked things up. He hoped and prayed that things were only awkward because it was still fresh in their minds.

The smell of weed immediately filled to room, and Roy screwed up his nose.

“Sorry. I’m just a bit on edge” Danny admitted, distracting himself by blowing smoke rings into the air.

“I can tell. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine” Danny gave him a reassuring smile. “Come here” Danny grabbed his phone and pulled Roy in close to him, holding it up to take a picture of them. Roy pouted his lips and used the picture as an excuse to nestle into Danny as close as he could. When Danny took the picture, he kept his head resting against Roy’s chest as he captioned it.

‘Movie nights with this fucker @thebiancadelrio’

Roy grinned softly at the caption, watching as Danny posted it to his Instagram. He kept his head resting against Roy’s chest and brought his attention back to the movie. The weed had calmed him down to a point that he was feeling brave.

His body tensed up at first, but eventually Roy casually looped his arm around Danny’s waist and snuggled into him. And in that moment, everything was perfect. Neither of them were uncomfortable. Neither of them were unhappy. They were just wrapped around each other, savouring the intimate moment.

Danny was trying to watch the movie, but his mind was focusing on how lovely it felt to be cuddled up next to Roy like this. He had a warm feeling across his chest from the weed, and he was contentedly sleepy, eyes half shut. The atmosphere had suddenly gone from awkward to comfortable, and Danny was so fucking glad. His mind was racing, however, struggling to steer his thoughts away from Roy to focus on the film he’d already seen so many times. It was much easier said than done. After debating with his head, Danny closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Fuck it, he thought, turning his head to face Roy.

“Roy” Danny asked, looking up at the older man. Roy stared down at him with a warm smile on his face. Danny stared at him like he was trying to memorise how his face looked, smiling softly as his eyes scanned the dark brown eyes, olive skin and dark stubble on his jaw.

“Yeah?” Roy asked, eyes unable to move away from Danny’s.

Before Danny could change his mind, he quickly pressed his lips against Roy’s in a small peck, leaving them there for a little while. When Danny felt Roy softly kiss back, his stomach lurched, and he tried his hardest to suppress a grin. Then he broke the kiss with another peck, before whipping his head back around to focus on the movie again, nestling his head back into Roy’s shoulder, trying to hide the massive smile on his face. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, moving in closer.

Roy’s eyes widened, completely taken by surprise. Grinning like an idiot (and grateful that Danny’s back was turned so he couldn’t see the look on his face), Roy bent down and pressed a kiss to Danny’s forehead before shifting slightly and nestling into him.Roy had never had such a blissful moment in his life.

#biadore #adore delano #bianca del rio #chiona #pretty mess #tw self harm #fluff #rpdr fanfiction #canon compliant