#i was hyped now I'm sad

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd 114 #is this meta? i don't know #more like just incoherent rambling lmao #i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't #i get that people are hyped up on the juicy tragedy of it all but plssssssss it's too soon for him to go #we need so much more of the enigmatic clown...... he's too interesting to lose just yet!!! #i'm sad at probably losing the outcomes i always hoped for him and fyolai but right now i just want More Of Him #he can't die so soon when he's barely even had pagetime #it COULD be fascinating to see Fyodor's reaction to taking over his body but....... i don't think he'd /have/ any right now #they need more time together before one of them dies #i always thought/hoped Fyodor would die first and Nikolai would be left alone to angst lmao but ugh........ #now it's really feeling like it'll be the opposite #which again doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing depending on how Asagiri executes it........ I just think this is way too soon for it to happen #i'm gonna be so mad if Nikolai just dies offscreen without us ever hearing from him again because Fyodor possessed his body #poetically cruel and tragic? yes. but also so anticlimactic at this moment in time #never getting to hear from him again......... #ugh i blame all the Fyolai fan creators; they've raised the bar too high 😭😭😭 #idk maybe i'm just talking out of my ass though. i probably am. i just feel conflicted about all this and need to see where it goes

[vihola]

Finally can remove bg3 from my filtered tags. I'm done and no longer fear spoilers

#tbh I thought that this game was overhyped but oh my stars it deserves all the hype #it was a perfect distraction from reality and now I'm sad it's over #how do I move on what do I do #might go and replay previous baldur's gate games just to feel something

[apoptoses]

deciding whether to post my fic for the queens of the damned event on butch/femme day or bloodbath might be the end of me tbh

#where is the sad toad emoji when i need him!! #i'm too hyped to function honestly i'm living solely for this event #also HI i'm trying to get back in the game now that i'm between major life events #i've got this fic done i have another idea marinating #maybe i'll even answer some asks who knows!!! #i miss armand/daniel tumblr activity!!!!

[sysig]

Bucket Bucket Bucket ♥ (Patreon)

I literally gasped, my original Bucket <3 <3 It was all worth it

#Doodles #The Stanley Parable #TSP #Technically a spoiler under the cut but it's a drawing of an optional route so lol #I assume double optional! Gosh this game's beautiful event-flag system <3 <3 <3 #Me when the Stanley Parable: ❤️💖💕💗💞❤️ #Anyway! To the Very Important New Character! Lol #It's very funny to me since I knew there Was a Bucket in Ultra Deluxe but I really didn't know anything else about them #And now here I am anthropomorphizing them so much! I was just like ''Ah. Bucket'' and now it's like ''BUCKET!! YES!!'' lol #I understand the hype now #Although now that I've found the 3 Button ending I'm sad! Then again Stanley's relationship with the Bucket is very full of strife haha #The Bucket embodies all archetypes and character relationships <3 Bucket GOAT lol #The first two were mostly my reaction to the Narrator being against Stanley keeping the Bucket haha - he gets so jealous ♪ #The second was from the Apartment ending - that new Apartment is so nice! Nice layout very spacious #The image of Stanley sitting with the Bucket on his lap enjoying TV together <3 Innocent! #I wasn't specifically thinking of where Stanley would end up if he followed the Adventure Line™ while holding the Bucket but uhhh #Just don't worry about it lol it'll be fine maybe probably #But gosh the amount of time and effort put into the new locations and objects hhhh stop I'll cry if I think about it too hard #More silly Bucket spacefillers haha ♪ Don't trust them they've got a knife! #Look at all those characters that love Stanley haha ♫ New and old faces alike! He's just very lovable #Employee 416v2 cameo for funsies >:3c #Oh yeah and I didn't mention it in the other ones but I think it's more noticeable in this one :0 - #I was a little lighter on editing for this page haha #My attention hasn't been great lately >:P I /want/ to edit things so they're nice and pretty but it takes too long and I end up frustrated #There's a lot of things I can see here that I'd change if I had more patience but I just want things OUT already hgg #And I'm not really sure how noticeable it is to not-my-eyes haha #If I hear dissent maybe that'll be a good motivator ♪ No way to know!

[cornerful]

It's newsletter time babey!!

I've some catching up to do 🏃‍♂️

I basically ended up taking a complete hiatus from tumblr for several months when my migraines got real bad last year. And then things, as things do, kept on happening. Bastards.

I haven't looked much at the tag yet and I still have to catch up with the first five? Chapters and relearn the ropes so to speak, but hopefully I'll see some familiar faces around this year, and new ones 👀

Last time I couldn't get to the end but what I did get through was a lot of fun and the best part was what everyone else was saying and drawing and discussing! That's what I missed the most, was talking and joking with everyone. Lotr is probably my Favorite Story, and to have this in-time community readthrough is such a treasure. As usual, three cheers for @sindar-princeling for organizing. It's a hell of a feat 😁

I'm arriving uh...Precisely When I Mean To ;] but here's to a great year! 💚🍻

#lotr newsletter #i am tragically gifted with a life and brain that frequently fall apart i know everyone is incredibly jealous #fresh out of heartbreak and with some free time i think a full reread will be good. Autumn is here #perfect for beginnings bc there's already so many endings #i think i will still post a little about my catch-up if i have things i want to put on the blog #but itll be a lot less thorough so as not to muck up the tag? #elsewhise ill make a separate tag...hmm #i am curious as to what ppl said last year too so maybe I'll make a whole other blog for that idk #i was very invested in everyone's thoughts and i'm sad i missed out on so much #might do that #but for now ill get caught up! this thing moves fast when it wants to #i started the ian holm bbc drama today to hype myself up #😭 he's wonderful i keep wondering how that turn informed his take on bilbo #it's amazing how similar they are sometimes #not to be all I AM HERE but im excited ok thats all XD #you've no idea how devastated i was that i couldn't post about the songs from the musical at the right time 😩

[nightingaletrash]

Sounds like VTMB2 is set twenty years after VTMB, so in 2024 and not 2019. So that gives Amicia time to fuck up Tucson and go to Seattle and get a relationship started with Alec so she can fuck up his enemies if something happens to him. ngl I was way too hung up on "but if it's still set in 2019 why would Amicia and Sullivan even CARE I want them to CARE"

I'm just sitting here wondering how much they changed in terms of the characters - we know Lou Grand and Samuel have stayed on, and Elif is practically a given considering that there was that statue of her for the original collector's edition, so it seems likely that a lot of the cast is the same. But given that they're trying to shake things up from the original Bloodlines game, I'm worried that Cross might have been killed off or switched out for a new character because he was too similar to Lacroix (visually anyway).

I want to be more excited for this game, but I was already ultra cautious anyway because of how development has gone, and now they've scrapped the entire Thinblood story which I really wanted to play and that's just put a downer on how I feel about the game as a whole. Like that was the one thing I wanted to stay, if nothing else. I loved the idea of playing a bottom-of-the-barrel vampire who has to survive by making themself useful while trying to figure out why tf this happened to them. So far the Elder angle isn't really appealing to me, can't really explain why, but it just doesn't.

Maybe once we see more of what the Chinese Room has cooked up they can perk up my excitement again, but for now I'm just a bit sad :(

#vtm #vtmb2 #vtmb2 critical #i genuinely thought i'd be more hyped when we heard news but rn i'm just #a bit sad. a bit letdown. #i should've known that the story was being changed up but i dunno #this new angle they're going for isn't appealing to me the way the original premise did #i dunno maybe when we learn more i'll feel more excited and i'll get over it #but for now i'm gonna mourn what could have been

[lovers-instead]

Studio Killers - Underneath My Raincoat (2023) 🐯

#studio killers #studio killers jenny #I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i have been waiting to see this tiger for 7 years* #they hearted my delusional comment so for now i assume it is in fact still her #unfortunately i'm not as hyped as i ordinarily would be since i am still very sad about my dog dying. but. here it is. #song is.... a bit under-developed i'd say. it really doesn't have jenny's careful meditative tone. nothing since the album has though #dirty car still clears #what IS interesting is- the mv's have never had anything to do with the lyrics before. that tiger is so iconic they included her lol #(also in soft bitch) #they did say as much on the podcast a while back. supposedly a new lore/story-driven direction #oh i almost forgot- yes this is in fact the snippet heard in the pilot #(*oh yeah it was on that tarot card... alongside human jenny which suggested a possible retcon. which is still possible.)

[pouletpourri]

How do you feel about the ending?

tbh

idk tbh the safest answer I can say is....I expected a bit more?

it was by no means bad, I enjoyed how the simon/betty situation was addressed, that they had flaws that went unnoticed in their relationship and the way it was touched upon was great, it was direct to the point. we need more things like that in cartoons.

but...idk i got the impression something else was missing. i really don't know..maybe it was the staff hyping up that this was going to be really emotional, so i was expecting something really impacting like this was gonna hurt, a real stab. like simon sacrificing himself or something similar. what i got in comparision was...idk a scratch? idk it feels like their ordeal isn't over

episode 10 was nice, but to me it'd probably better if it was handed in a two-parter, the pace was kinda weird. too much to take in

overall, it was nice, 8/10 a good ending. just expected a little more that's all

#also what was with jay and his gf (and baby finn and the tank) showing up of nowhere #that was...weird #i don't wanna come off as hateful of the ending. i did enjoy it! it was nice! #it just feels underwhelming in comparision to what the staff was hyping up #but that's just me #i also like how fionna and cake's world didnt change right away #also really self-indulging but: i'd add simon visiting fionna and cake as a final scene. just because i'm fond of their dynamic #but things are good #i''m kinda sad that it's over now #made me crave more at content but hey it was supposed to be a mini-series so #ALSO WTF HAPPENED WITH FARMWORLD FINN DID HE DIE #DID VAMPIRE WORLD BUBBLINE KILL EACH OTHER OR WHAT #also liked how shermy and his friend (i never remember her name) were planning a revolution. way to go young warriors! defeat the system #ramble #*throws money that i don't have at adam muto and hbo* you #give me another mini-series #address the loose threads #fionna and cake #that one person who suggested simon and minerva meeting was 3000 years ahead of their time tbh might consider that idea now that is canon

[seonghwasblr-moved]

Sometimes I get sad and annoyed about things that literally don't matter at all lol

#maja talks #(me reading 5 month old tweets saying the copenhagen crowd for ateez was dead) #like no it wasn't and also it's been 5 months why am I sad about those tweets now LMAO #it does make me wonder what the criteria of a “dead” crowd is tho #like someone wrote it was so dead that they could hear the members speaking clearly on their videos #but to me that is just manners? Like it's manners to me that you don't scream when the members are speaking #other people say a crowd is dead when people sit down too much but you can literally be so hyped while sitting down too #other people said the crowd wasn't as loud as other places but i'm pretty sure it one of the smallest crowds of the tour #so what do you expect #people were literally screaming their lungs out when it mattered and sang the songs and stomped(?) on the floor #I guess I just don't understand some people's definitions of a dead crowd #(try going to a concert in Korea then you will meet a dead crowd lol) #again this literally doesn't matter I just got annoyed reading the tweets lmao #again it's been 5 months and the only reason I saw those tweets is because I'm going through a trying to relive the concert phase lol #the members seemed like they had fun (wooyoung even mentioned the concert as one of his faves in an article if I remember correctly) #I had fun with my friends and that's honestly the most important #everybody are inclined to their own opinions #and again this is old news so it really does not matter LMAO #(I still don't think a crowd is dead just cause they let an artist speak and be heard at a concert)

[coockie8]

how do u feel about valentinos wings being his coat??

The same way I feel about Vaggie being an Angel; I saw it coming and it's mid at fucking best.

#Hazbin Hotel #way too much of what I'm learning about this show is ''oh... Yeah...'' #and it's lame as hell #there's twists making no sense for shock value #and then there's whatever Hazbin Hotel has going on #'cause being able to accurately guess this shit from a 30 minute pilot #that is arguably only marginally canon at this point #is downright depressing #also the fact I was able to accurately guess that Vaggie was an Angel when she actually *wasn't* at the start #is extra fucking sad #like she used to have a human name and a death date #she was just a demon at one point during the development #and I'm sorry but the Princess of Hell falling for just some random demon girl #is *way* more interesting than ''oh yeah she's an Angel'' #'cause it's like well yeah... #I could probably keep going about all the stuff in this show I find really mediocre #but I'll stop here for now #I think the main problem is how well the pilot did #the show was never gonna live up to that hype

[toastsnaffler]

been shitting myself over joining one of these outdoor socials but I was rly brave + showed up to one of them but there's no one HERRREEEE

#AM I IN THE WRONG PLACE???????? girl help I'm still new to [city] idk my way around that well 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #at least its not as embarrassing as it could bc cuz the parkrun just ended so theres tons of ppl milling around in gym gear #i blend right in... #this is so sad tho i was hyped now im gonna have to go home tail between my legs and do a weight workout instead :^((((( #i think they normally meet in other places so hopefully next time. ill show up the right place LMFAO #I swear theyre in the wrong place tho. like this is the exact postcode and building they put in the ad???????? #wish I had one of their numbers so i could text and ask where tf they are. or if it got cancelled #AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH #ok well. at least i tried that was so brave of me <3 #.diaries

[astriiformes]

.

#really genuinely disheartened by the news about the latest toh ep leaking weeks before it was supposed to premiere #because like i would never watch an episode early when it's not what the creators want. that's a terrible thing to do #but it seems like a lot of other people just do not care #and so instead i have to just sort of. lock myself out of the fandom for a while #which given how few things i have to get excited about these days.... eurgh #i was really excited about the timing of this one; it's right after tlovm comes back and right around the time the semester starts #and i'm sure it'll be fun to watch when it actually comes out but #not the same as the whole fandom being hyped about it #which for the penultimate episode of a show that was cancelled early? sucks #and i hate how many people seem to not care or think it's okay to watch the leaked episode just because other people are doing it #like i don't hang out in fandom tags fortunately (for many good reasons) #but going 'well. guess i have to avoid ao3 or checking out new followers' blogs' and things like that is :/ #even the little fanwork discord server i'm in that i usually feel like is a nice space has folks that just... don't seem to care #and i like that space a lot but i'm considering muting it which makes me sad #i just don't get how people could be so disrespectful to the folks creating stories they love. that's awful #idk. guess i'm glad i have other fiction to care about right now #anyways! that's me done being sad about something relatively silly! #but :/

[kingdomoftyto]

Just seeing this title + thumbnail from THIS channel has made my entire freaking weekend, hellooOOO

#ignore me #literally less than a week ago I finally started feeling in a Zelda mood again #enough to actually watch some video essays about the series. for the first time in MONTHS #so hyped to watch this now and see more big names in the Zelda sphere agree with my assessment exactly: #that the game was a technical marvel and incredibly fun to play but mostly left me grumpy and sad in all the ways I truly care about #seeing others agree has been SO healing and I'm back to loving the series again

[correct-bangtannies]

I don't even like men and I'm somehow already a military wife, what goes on

PS. Don't open the tags unless you want a big ass wall of text of me rambling on your screen

#hit #im just honestly so glad that I've become a lot more chill with the whole being an army thing #in the sense that i used to be a lot more attached and hyped over everything #i do still get very hyped and i do still have an attachment to them n their work but y'know just more toned down #(i mean i remember the days of staying up all night to watch award shows knowing damn well they'd always perform last) #(mma 2018 was an emotional rollercoaster like i legit cried a little from the tiredness and being overwhelmed with the performance) #so im glad im a lot more calm about the enlistment news than what i would've been say three years ago before they started to #take longer breaks and eventually announce the hiatus this year #it's like they did it in purpose so that the fandom would grow a bit more used to it n im glad to see that a huge majority are very calm #many are sad ofc but its not being treated as some kind of horrific news #if anything ppl are coping with humor including me lmao #so idk im mostly just happy for them that they're taking their VERY well deserved break before doing their service #i just hope everything goes well and is decently peaceful (as peaceful as enlistment can be at least lol) for them once they're there #now why am i rambling in the tags? bc i need to put my thoughts in order but i don't wanna clog my blog with a long ass wall of text 💀 #I'm at least relieved to know that they already have a set plan of when they're going to go and return + BH is sure af gonna keep putting #out a lot of content that they've filmed over all these years #i mean run bts; documentaries; probably even music and ofc not all of them are gonna go at the exact same time #and ofc stuff related to the HYYH and Chakho #them being absent won't as hard for most hopefully #and hey 2 years aint nothing ive waited far longer for stuff to come out than that we'll be fine! #*cries in silksong and the YOI movie

[xxs4d-b4st4rdxx]

Went to an antique store I've been eyeballing for a year.

That place is quite unique for others I have gone to in the past. It also has comics that I was dying to look through all of them but didn't have the time to do so. There's was a bunch of other stuff I wanted to buy.

The thing is that I probably won't be going back any time soon unless I go by myself, which makes me nervous always. The downside of having no one else who likes to hang out and do things like this.

#it was great but sad that I couldn't fully look through the place or buy anything #all the hype and now I'm sad #rich.txt

[just-spacetrash]

🫥

#brain ran out of wwdits hype juoce and now i am profoundly sad #it is just cause its late but man....😔 #I'm thinking about my shit 20th birthday #sent a 'hey its my bday does anyone wanna go for drinks' text to the gc (sweating hands shaking almost passed out muted my phone for 8hrs) #and then everyone came and talked about their own relationship/mental health issues for like max 3hrs and then went home #and last week my best friend had her 20th bday #and the other friends had like. baked a cake gotten her gifts wrote cards #and like i know im not as close w the other ones as my bff is #but man it did sting a lot #at one point one of em said like 'we did all this because we care about you we wouldnt do it if we didnt care' #and ngl i almost cried then and there #but yea kept it together didnt say anything didnt ruin my bffs bday #and the rest of the party was rly fun #but it just #i wish i had friends like that #and ik im not like. like i dont know how to talk n stuff ik im not as easy to be friends with i know im super anxious n awkward like always #but like #u didnt have to say the whole 'we wouldnt do this if we didnt care' #on my birthday i cried from like 3am to 6am and then pulled myself together and went to a hotel breakfast w no sleep #and like. didnt even feel like shit in the morning so it turned out ok in the end i guess #but looking back it was kind of. fucked up #but yea even the fact that im thinking about it now means i should just go to sleep probably #or i guess i didnt ever rly process it but still #lets hope writing this to my diary (the internet where everyone can see it) #releases some of the pent up. stuff #yeaj #my post #vent #rant #whichever it is