#i was gonna say his wish lives rent free but he is actually so considerate he pays for my headspace

[ready-to-obeyme]

[OM!] Angel!AU Demon Brother as Your Guardian Angel

Scenario: Residing as angels in the Celestial Realm, the brothers have been assigned to watch over you to guide and protect you. How they do so is up to their discretion. (And if they fall in love with you, well...)

Note: gender neutral headcanons; if i had to choose a timeline, satan exists but belphie doesnt hate humans yet and lilith is alive 🤪, the boys retained their personalities that we all know and love -- it really just be them with guardian angel duties--- bonus angel is Lilith ;)

inspiration from [link] and their other angel!au videos (they’re all adults in this post btw) and [link] (yes just this post; apparently my guardian angel Lucifer is in awe of me... for being dumb as FUCK--)

--

Lucifer

a little affronted he has to take time to look after a human as a seraph but doesn't vocalize it as much since it's direct orders from his father

isn't one to directly intervene in your life much because he doesn't see the need to nor does he want to; a little haughty ngl about being an angel and you being a human

there is no guideline to being a guardian angel and making sure you don’t die before your time is his Main Priority 

he's not going to stop you from eating a whole family sized Dorito bag by yourself or from staying awake till 4am-- those bad decisions are on YOU

finds a little pleasure from seeing the consequences of your actions for a while, but eventually just judges you for everything you do

"why aren't you studying? isn't the midterm tomorrow?"

"when was the last time this human ate?"

"why are you dating that person?"

grumbles over you and your life choices, but is now just actually concerned and hoping you'll be able to make better choices for your own health and happiness; he is now officially Invested as Guardian Angel, don’t you dare laugh at him Michael

if he does utilize his powers to influence you, it comes in subtle hints-- the wind blowing in your hair so you look a certain direction, a sudden bright light to wake you up so you sleep properly in a bed and not a desk... maybe appearing in your room for just a moment to place a blanket over your shoulders

realizes he has… feelings when you perform a good deed or grow as a person and he feels immensely proud and happy for you; has to really keep himself in check to not intervene in your life in more menial, though still helpful, ways

humbled by your growth and change as you become a better person

finally reveals himself to you (by accident) when he has to physically come and save you from danger and then proceeds to yell at you in anger (read: worry) about safety and doesn’t leave your side

Mammon

similarly to Lucifer, grumbles about having to take time to babysit a human but quickly becomes invested in your life at record speed (typical Mammon)

unnecessarily and excessively worried at times even for things that isn't actually putting you in danger

"WHAT THE HELL HUMAN, LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET--"

"NO NO NO, BRING YOUR PEPPER SPRAY WITH YOU! I don't care if you’re just walking to the adjacent apartment, BRING IT!"

eventually just ends up storming down to the human realm and """attempts""" to be subtle

if you placed the spray on the table, you turn and it's in your bag again. weird.

pretty sure you could have done a pretty good paranormal activity video with the weird stuff happening in your life when mammon is not-so-secretly intervening in your life

attempts do not last long because mammon's patience grows thin and he suddenly pops into your life and demand you be more careful

probably meets you by slapping your hand away from buying another random but expensive plushie even though you can barely afford it and you just stare at him like he's crazy as he explains that he's your guardian angel

'My Guardian Angel as My Roommate' becomes the title of your life or alternatively 'My Guardian Angel and I are Both Idiots'

the genre of your life is now officially a rom com

his main excuse for being constantly at your side (and it's NOT because he likes you a lot) is "how else am I gonna be prepared to protect you from anything that wants to hurt you?? you would have died 1000x over without me" which is a lie but it's okay he pays rent

hold his hand and tell him it’s so you don’t get lost and he’ll blush but never let go of your hand

Leviathan

life is a simulation

or rather, your life is

once he gets assigned to you, he observes you for a while-- and it looked like he was going to leave you be for the most part, when one Bad Choice has him popping up right in front of you

he slaps away the tub of ice cream you were gonna binge eat

"human, stop eating that crap! your stats are gonna suffer!!!"

super insistent in telling you to do something that good for you and is pretty stubborn when it comes to decisions that benefit your health and career

"noob, hurry up and level up your intelligence or you're gonna fail your exams"

"is life a game to you"

"yes, and you are losing. but have no fear, I am your walkthrough."

joking aside, Levi is pretty supportive of you, in the way Belphie is to his human-- he just words things in gaming terms like stats, energy, leveling up, exp

did not expect to get gratitude from this gig, but when you express your true appreciation for his care, he doesn't know what to do (starts crying maybe?)

his advice starts veering away from just lifestyle and health but to more human aspects; he offers a listening ear and supportive compliments whenever needed

because it turns out he cares for you a whole lot more than if this was really all just a game to him and ends up caring about your general happiness and is more considerate about your feelings

Finds himself being super casual with you and talking about your favorite show and has to catch himself from speaking so quickly-- can’t have the human thinking he… adores you

Satan

has no qualms with coming to the human realm to watch over you, but is fine with not immediately being a part of your life or intervening as much as Mammon or Belphie

ironically, as a man who was originally never born as an angel, he does his duties in a manner most befitting manner of one

subtly inserts himself into small parts of your life, persisting off small interactions

he's the guy at the counter when you needed to find a book, he's the one who picks up your hydroflask and returns it to the lost and found, he's the one telling you your backpack is open before anything spills out

he doesn't know but you jokingly dub him your guardian angel, even if you don't know who he actually is but never have the courage to speak up-- also mainly because he flits in and out of your life so fast you don’t even have the chance to say “oh, by the way, what’s your name?”

Satan is content with how he is more of a passing moment in your life, so this way you can still live your life the way you want it without much interference from an outside source because he respects your choices and the concept of free will that all humans have

truly believes that the best course of action and his duty as your guardian angel is to see you live your life the way you want to-- and if can help out a little or give you a little nudge in the right way, then that’s fine by him

Prefers to be on the sidelines and watch you become your own person and-- well, it’s a bit hard not getting attached to you when he sees you trip over yourself over someone you like or help someone out with their books when they dropped them

eventually does have to step in in a more meaningful way when you accidentally endanger yourself and he wards it off or catches you before you hurt yourself

at that point it was hard to pretend not being a part of your life when he's helped you so often-- and the fact that you're infatuated with him and asked him out

(he probably doesn't even realize how suave and prince charming he looks lmao)

Asmodeus

chooses to watch over you from above more but doesn't mind just popping down to the human realm just to have some fun at the same event you're in

lives through all your moments with you; laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry and  genuinely enjoys seeing you go through life, living and learning

generally leaves you to your own devices unless there's something really pressing

utterly cannot stop himself from intervening if you have doubts about yourself or if you struggle with self-love

loves appearing in dreams to dish out advice and tell you to love yourself, forgive yourself more, and to seek happiness because you deserve it

you don't remember the dreams exactly, but you do remember the sentiment within it and sometimes the fuzzy image of a beautiful angel you aren't sure you've seen irl but you chalk it up to seeing the face of strangers you’ve seen (which is... technically true)

dreams are his main way of communicating with you, and he also just thinks the mystery and anonymity is kinda exciting-- but sometimes he just spends a lot of your dreams just talking to you and getting to know you more intimately and seeing things from your perspective

sometimes enjoys being in your lucid dreams when you’re pretty aware and you go on some really whacky dream-induced adventure

loves you like no other and truly wishes the best for you

accidentally reveals himself to you during a party where you meet face to face

"I've feel like I've seen you before…"

"Haha, well that's because I've been in your dreams! They were pretty pleasant weren't they?"

you think he’s kidding for a long time-- and honestly he’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s your Guardian Angel, considering he tells you all the time “Honey, I’m you’re Guardian Angel” or “Of course I’m here for you! I’m your Guardian Angel!” 

but the way he says it makes it feel like that’s just a nickname, not an official TITLE

floored when you actually see his WINGS and turns out you’ve been in love with an actually angel this entire time

Beelzebub

similar to Asmo and Satan, he doesn't really feel the need to insert himself into your life

instead, he's wherever you are… but in the background, eating at a table in a far corner or walking casually across the street from where you are

very inconspicuous and surprisingly good at keeping a distance, whether he intends to or not

he just looks very natural doing whatever he is doing at any time, but often accidentally ends up in the background of a photo or selfie without people noticing

as your Guardian Angel, he watches over you by stopping anyone with ill intent from approaching you... like the obvious ones like mugging and stuff; he wishes he could protect you from bad people too but he respectfully keeps his distance and allows you to make mistakes and grow from it

it infuriates him when people take advantage of your kindness

(though if the person that hurt you emotionally meets Beel in an alley...)

is very taken aback when YOU are the one approaching HIM asking for the time or if you could grab something on the high shelf for you

actually pretty flustered when you do interact with him because he was distracted doing other stuff he never expected you to notice him

Beel is the definition of a Guardian Angel-- a sentinel, standing on guard to protect you from danger and physical harm-- and he does exactly that when the time comes

most likely to save you from something dramatic like a car incoming or a fight

doesn't really understand why you trust him so easily or so wholeheartedly even after he saved you because he thought he would look intimidating

(he did, until you asked him for the time and he spoke with his mouth full of burgers or stammered out a 'you're welcome' when you smiled at him at the library)

Beel doesn't know until much later that he's dubbed as your gentle giant

Belphegor

like some of the others, doesn't like to influence your choices as much-- not because of free will or anything like that, but because he likes humans because of who they are and what they do

(and also he’s too lazy to be hovering around you trying to control your every move anyhow)

and man are humans, especially you, interesting

why is that human drinking from that person's navel? no clue but it looks fun

why is that human consuming whipped cheese with waffles? no idea, but he wouldn't get this much free entertainment without it

has no problems integrating himself into your life as your friend or roommate just to watch everything unfold in person and to tease you for your mildly questionable decisions in life

“Belphie, why didn’t you stop me from eating that last bowl of cereal?”

“Eh, I thought it would be kind of funny.”

isn't one to go out of his way to do something to influence you, but he does encourage you to do the things you want to do, whether they be good or mildly questionable ones-- but especially the fun ones like joining a new club or going to town to have fun (which you do drag him along to every time)

does steer you away from making Bad Decisions like murder or whatever, but he thinks most choices are pretty neutral and does help you process the consequences, both good and bad, of what happened

so he's integrated himself as your friend, offers advice and supports your decisions no matter what, and subtly looks out for you… and he's surprised when one day you confess to him that you like him???

this was NOT part of the plan but he would be lying to himself if he said he didn't end up falling for you too after seeing all sides of you and watching you grow as a person

Lilith

watches more from afar, because as much as she loves humans like Belphie, she is a little shy about meeting you

curiosity does triumph over shyness eventually, and she does surveillance distantly like Beel before winding up being directly in your life like Belphie (siblings am i right)

her brothers would keep trying to give her input on how she should interact with you or guide you but she brushes them away with a huff because she thinks she's doing a fine job thank you very much!

or so she's pretty sure, considering you're hanging out with her, seriously listening to her advice, buying her gifts... cuddling in bed with her if you’re attracted to her

if you do like her and want to date her, she has to be ready to somehow defend you from the only danger in your life, which turns out to be her brothers

if not, you two live happy lives as the best of friends, though the brothers can never be too careful with their darling sister

likes updating about your life to her brothers and they're lowkey jealous

doesn’t actually have to reveal herself as an angel unless you somehow find out... or because Mammon and Lucifer come down and threatens bodily harm if you hurt Lilith (wait, who’s watching over who now??)

hold up this is setting up for exactly what happens in the canon storyline

#obey me headcanons #obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #this is my.... fourth time trying to get the tags to work #still i liked writing this and i hope people enjoy it too :'))

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

It's so nice to see someone from the GG fandom who likes Vanessa! It's a shame she didn't have a storyline that was only hers (she was always only a prop on someone else's). I really wanted her and Blair to become friends because I think they are a weirdly good match. They could've bonded trough their love of art and even have been roommates on s3. I would love if you could throw some headcanons about that relationship, but feel free to use this ask just to say nice things about Vanessa.

oh agreed with you re: vanessa never having her own storyline! i remember seeing someone on here mention that after a while - specifically in s4 - they stopped viewing vanessa as a character and saw her as a plot device, which is why she was always conveniently in the right place at the right time eavesdropping on people. it’s incredibly depressing.

i loved the fact that vanessa was such a radical marxist (she’s never used these words for herself that i remember, but those are her vibes.) it was so refreshing in like... this gloomy complicated WASPy environment where everyone was so obsessed with class and reputation

this meta does a better job at explaining it than i ever can

vanessa was just: badass, confident, outspoken, unashamed & unapologetic of being who she was, intelligent, cynical but also a ray of light. this remains one of my favourite caps of her. look at her smile!

i wish vanessa had gotten to make films and stuff - we saw a lot of dan’s creative success, i wish we’d gotten that much focus on vanessa. 

one of my.. headcanons... i think i was gonna write fic about this, even, is that vanessa makes a documentary starring nate. they’re both joking around and just doing it for the lols, but it actually blows up, and ... nate & vanessa being nate & vanessa, the documentary isn’t superficial at all. 

obviously, vanessa doesn’t need nate to be successful though, i just really loved nate x vanessa and am incredibly self-indulgent

vanessa & dan should’ve started a podcast together in college!!! 

also yeah, i do think vanessa had character flaws, but everyone on this show is morally skewed one way or the other, and i wish her storyline had been better + i wish her flaws had been handled more gently, if that makes sense to say.

i also wish we’d gotten to see vanessa’s sister ruby + her lesbian punk band + her apartment, where vanessa also lived. i’m so curious about like.... how vanessa would decorate her room in her house, etc etc.

more under the cut (because this got SO long!)

re: her relationship with blair:

i feel the same as you abt that! i was talking to solange about this and apparently all of that ...happened? in the books??? blair & vanessa did become best friends and roommates. i love them being best friends -i’m not going to say too much about my platonic headcanons for these 2, because it’s kind of central to my s3 dair AU, which i’m writing right now! there’s going to be so much vanessa, istg.

i found this response by accident about the show being shitty to her, and i think “mix of racism and laziness” on part of the writers hits the nail on the head. 

i wish blair & vanessa had become friends in s2 over rescuing nate from that duchess. i find it really annoying that dan & blair could become friends due to their mutual love for serena, but blair & vanessa couldn’t become friends from their mutual love for nate?? that’s the tv storyline we were robbed of, seriously. 

i got distracted & started talking about my vanessa ships, so take that, too:

i actually highkey ship blair/vanessa either as much as i ship dair, or more. this post ​does a pretty good job at explaining it. my tags on this post basically say “the dair dynamic minus all the melancholy” --> i love dan, but he tends to stew in sad feelings a lot of the time, and neither blair nor vanessa does that, so i think blairnessa as a relationship would be MUCH less angsty than dair was at initial stages. 

serenessa is such a good ship too. i was telling nads, “serenessa photojournalists who travel around the world AU lives in my head rent free.” i think serena & vanessa both have like.. a very free spirit thing going for them, and i feel that neither of them would be happy doing the standard ‘get married, raise kids, white picket fence’ future kind of thing (which, well, dan and nate probably would. which is why i think they should get married to each other.)

i liked early season natessa, before things got weird. nate & vanessa genuinely supported each other + believed in each other + learnt things from each other and grew as people from it. nate encouraged her to write her SATs and give college a shot, and during most of nate’s s2 arc w/ his grandfather, vanessa was the only person who TRULY believed in him and believed that nate could break out from the influence of his family.

i wrote nate & vanessa on their first date from vanessa’s POV if that’s something you’re interested in reading.

i’m also... pretty sure this wasn’t deliberate, but the way that matthew settle & jessica szhor played rufus and vanessa gave me weirdly intense romantic vibes? vanessa always has the brightest & biggest smiles for rufus, and rufus is considerate and caring and respectful to vanessa much more than dan, her actual best friend, is. 

i wrote this fic abt vanessa dealing w/ guilt over having a crush on rufus, and talking to nate about it, which was an interesting thing to write, lmao. 

even keeping that aside, i think it’s interesting that vanessa was better friends with rufus than she was with dan!! i regard it mostly the same way i regard lily being a better mother to chuck than to serena & eric - “lmao, what is this show. how tragic and awful but also how hilarious.” 

#meta #vanessa abrams #long post #i put this in word just in case tumblr crashed and my response is 945 words long?!?!? #anon #i love vanessa #and i think she gets an unfair amount of hate #a lot of which is just badly hidden racism and classism from what ive seen

[epouvantes]

❛ jeon jungkook, demiboyflux, he/they ❜ was that kim moonsik? the twenty-two year old freelance photographer has been in town since birth. the witch has a reputation for being disorganized & affectionate. you know they’re around when you get flashes of ( mismatched socks, taking buzzfeed quizzes into the dead of night, dancing when no one is watching & believing in signs ). rumor has it, they are a member of the high coven. { samu, est, 25, she/they }

( OOC: TW: ANXIETY MENTION AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. hi! i’m samu, i’m 25 and i use she/they pronouns! i’m so so so so so excited for this rp and for you all to meet my babies!!!!! i wanted to make this lil ooc section just to let y’all know that i’ll be posting longer and more detailed intro-like posts for my charas eventually, but i wanted to be able to give lil summaries and connection ideas before then so!!!!! there it is!!!!! thank u sm for reading!!!!! also if i ever message you to plot, which i’d like to do with everyone if my social anxiety allows it, pls don’t feel obligated to plot with me at all!!!!! i love connecting with other writers and stuff but i’ll completely understand if you’re not up to plot with me and my charas <33 ) ← this is the same ooc paragraph in all of my first three intros, so pls feel free to skip it! <3

brief introduction.

moonsik’s parents moved from ulsan, south korea, to blackthorne about eight years before the boy was born. he grew up in blackthorne along with his two older siblings (they’re fraternal twins a couple of years older than moonsik), and had a pretty comfortable childhood! however, his mother left the family when he was only five years old, and he’s never seen or talked to her since. the reasoning behind her departure is still a mystery to moonsik, and he’s definitely still confused/sad about it, but!! i won’t delve too much into that yet!! i’ll def write about it in my longer bio/intro thingy later on, though!! 

his dad remarried, when moonsik was nine years old, to a woman who had lived in blackthorne all her life!! i’m not gonna develop the step-mother too much bc i’ll definitely send in some wanted connections soon (for her + moonsik’s dad, siblings and step-siblings! and maybe more?), but she actually has a really good relationship with moonsik!! he doesn’t see her as a mother tbh, but he really loves and respects her and!! even during his more rebellious phases in high school she was like the one (1) person in the family he always felt he could talk to!!

relationships with siblings and step-siblings are to be developed tm!! i’ll be sending in wanted connections for them soon as i said before so i might add a bit to it in there but tbh i’ll try to keep things vague so that they’re easier to fill!!

moonsik did NOT like school. like, at all. i think probably at least one of his siblings was like...... super strong academically, and it mayhaps played on moonsik’s confidence a bit to constantly see his sibling(s) get praised for their accomplishments?? and like..... his dad, siblings, step-mom and step-siblings have never put pressure on him?? he did so himself after seeing others succeed so much and wishing he could do so as well?? and don’t get me wrong; he’s skilled at plenty of things (especially visual arts)!! but having difficulties academically really did affect his self confidence :(

i said this was going to be short rip sdlfijsdlkfjsdlkfjsdklf i’M SO SORRY!!!!!

ok so!! outside of all the family stuff!! moonsik’s been exploring his gender identity for about three years now, and he finally feels like he has the right word/definition for it all!! demiboyflux is honestly a word he didn’t even know of until a couple of months ago, but as soon as he saw the definition for it (here’s a link to a simple definition!) he was so happy because it was him and it felt perfectly right??

he’s not exactly out to that many people concerning his gender identity bc as much as he loves who he is he just isn’t ever sure how to bring it up?? also, most of the time he’s fine with masculine nouns (boy, man, brother, son, boyfriend, husband, prince, etc.) AND he’s perfectly fine with both he and they as far as pronouns go, so...... he just doesn’t feel like it’s absolutely necessary for him to discuss it with EVERYONE, you know? but at the same time sometimes he kind of feels like just ranting and rambling and gushing about all of it, which is why he actually started an anonymous blog (eyes emoji tm) last month, and it’s been super helpful for him!!

he’s a freelance photographer rn, and he honestly really likes it!! however, since he’s not super well established yet (and doesn’t have an official diploma or anything like that - he quit university after two semesters), he isn’t making tons of money, and is therefore currently living with his dad and step-mother. it’s becoming a bit suffocating to him tbh?? and he’s highkey considering getting a part-time job too so that he can maybe make enough money to afford renting a lil apartment or room or something!!

super disorganized!! it’s probably one of the things he fights about the most with his family bc they kinda see his lack of organization as him being quite irresponsible (and they’re not completely wrong maybe, but still), and he’s never really done anything to change this part of him?? like, he’s always losing stuff, forgetting things behind, not remembering appointments, forgetting to send in important documents on time, never checking his voice mail and/or inbox, etc.

affectionate af!!!!! a sweetheart, tbh?? like, he’s kind of reserved so people tend to assume that he’s not the most friendly, but he’s actually rlly sweet!! he’s very openly affectionate with the people he’s close to, never hesitating to wrap himself around someone or plop down in someone’s lap or anything like that (though he is careful about who is and isn’t comfortable with that ofc! tbh in the past he didn’t take that into consideration all that much and he honestly feels really bad about it now, so he’s SUPER careful about other people’s boundaries now)!! also....... he will 110% deny it, but he LOVES attention. like he’ll wither away without attention i sdlfjslkdjfksldf

he’s bi and has known for a long time, and he’s actually been out as such since he was seventeen years old! 

( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY ) he’s had two serious-ish relationships in his life so far, but outside of those he’s actually quite enjoyed doing more casual sexual things with people he finds attractive/interesting/etc!! he actually prefers fwbs to one night stands and i can DEF see that leading to some tension in the future with some of his friends.........

HE’S SO PROUD OF BEING A WITCH!!!!!! his entire family are witches (maybe not his step-mother and step-siblings, though? it’ll depend on whether or not they get taken up as wanted connections and, in the case they do, what the people playing them prefer!), and he’s so!!!!!! passionate about it!!!!! he hates learning in school and stuff but when it comes to learning about magic, especially healing magic, he’s so eager and passionate and !!!!!! he loves it :( idk if his father and siblings are in the high coven tbh but!!!!! he is definitely quite proud to be part of it!!!! also he’s probs definitely one of the most eye-roll-y judgemental ones when it comes to what he thinks of the bloodstone coven !! he deadass doesn’t get why they would practice the kind of magic they practice and he’s???? like he wouldn’t be straight up /rude/ to them without reason but he’s def not as friendly as usual around them i think (though ofc there might be exceptions!!)

connection ideas.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS: probably around 2 to 4 of those?? i’m picturing this lil group to have been thick as thieves since they were little kids (although maybe one or more of them joined their lil friend group later on in their childhood and/or teenage years?), and i just really want a group of super close friends who know each other better than the backs of their own hands and who may tease each other mercilessly but who still love and adore each other (no matter whether or not they actually say those words aloud dlffkjsdkjfsdlkjfsdlkf)!! age-wise i was thinking they could all be between 21 and 25 years old?? ( 00 / 02-04 )

EXES: as mentioned earlier, moonsik has been in two romantic relationships in the past that were somewhat serious? one of them was probably a high school relationship that last for like 14 months and ended just because they did not click well together AT ALL but had gotten into a relationship bc high school and stuff, you know?? (i think that ex would have probs identified as a cis woman back then - whether they still do or not is up to you - since they probs started dating before moonsik came out as bi?) and i feel like mayhaps recently they’ve gotten in touch again and actually click quite well as friends nowadays, although there are zero (0) romantic feelings between them anymore (just saying, but..... mlm/wlw solidarity is rad tm!! it’s not a necessity ofc but!! yes!!) NOW THE OTHER EX!!!!!!! i feel like this one would have been a bit more recent?? and probably with a man or masc presenting person?? since it’d be more recent, and the relationship would have been quite important to moonsik, i’d like not to add too much to it here and instead work it out with whoever may end up being interested in that connection? ( 00 / 02 )

EMPLOYER(S): people who’ve hired moonsik for his photography skills!!!! maybe also a future/eventual employer for when he ends up finally looking for a part-time job?? mayhaps they could be friends of some of moonsik’s family members?? oooooh what about someone who knew his mother?? (although ig that’ll be easier to work out when i 100% decide why she left dslfjksdkjfsdkljf) ( 00 / ?? )

FRIEND AND/OR ENEMY WITH BENEFITS: ( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTS ) i’m thinking that moonsik probably doesn’t hook up with too many people at the same time unless he knows for sure that the other person doesn’t mind it? so the number for this connection will change depending on that!! also i reaaaaaaally love BOTH the idea of friends with benefits AND enemies with benefits since they can both bring in v interesting storylines!! also i’m not totally opposed to having moonsik hook up with his most recent ex (bc i love angst), but it’s definitely not a necessity! ( 00 / 01 )

DEALER: ( WARNING: DRUGS TW ) he did quite a few hard drugs in hs, which was 100% part of one of his rebellious phases, and although he doesn’t do anything too strong anymore, he does rlly like weed (prefers edibles to smoking tho bc no matter how often he does it he always coughs and it’s embarrassing!!!!!), and i’d love a connection with his dealer?? preferably one that’s kind of humorous?? ( 00 / 01 )

#blackthorneintro #general: introduction. #general: character development. #kim moonsik: all. #kim moonsik: intro. #kim moonsik: character development.

[detectivejigsawpines]

Abyss-part 2 (An [un]happy Pines family reunion)

Ford was impressed; he’d never seen anyone go from standing still to running in that short of a timespan before.

In what seemed like only the blink of an eye Stan went from being frozen on the porch to halfway to the woods.

Unfortunately for him, Dan had played football and done some wrestling in high school, and he was still in shape enough (well duh, this was the guy whose nickname was well on the way to changing from “Boyish” to “Manly”) to appear out of nowhere-actually from the side of the house where Ford had suggested he wait-and bring Stan down with a flying tackle.

“TRAITOR!” Stan roared, trying unsuccessfully to throw the lumberjack off, “If I had a will and you were in it, I’d disinherit you!”

“Sorry man,” Dan rumbled, “but Ford’s payin’ me fifty bucks.”

Stan snarled out a few impressive curses at both of them as he struggled to regain his freedom.

Ford approached cautiously, maneuvering until his brother could see him, but staying out of his reach just in case.

“Stanley, listen.”  He knelt until they were more or less at eye level.  “I promise, I didn’t expect or want this to happen. But since it is happening, I think it would be best for everyone if you don’t run away.”

“So whaddya want me to do?!” Stan demanded furiously.  “Cuz if you’re expectin’ me to be nice ta that money-grubbing bast-”

“No!  I’m not saying you have to be nice to him at all!”

His brother blinked.  “...Come again?”

Ford sighed, chewing his lip and adjusting his glasses while he worked out how to say what he wanted to say.  “What Dad did to you was-unforgivable. And I don’t know if telling him that would make any difference or help him to realize that he was wrong, but I-feel-” it was a weird thing to think about, what he felt was a good decision instead of what he thought- “that you need to find...closure with him.  Even if it’s by punching him in the sunglasses, or telling him to go to hell.  It probably won’t change anything, but-” he struggled for the right words again- “...maybe it will be good for you to get it all off your chest.”

Stan’s expression was still tense and unhappy...but it had become less hostile.  He stopped trying to escape from Dan, who, at Ford’s nod, allowed him to sit up.

By now the car was almost to the house; as they all stood and watched it approach, Ford realized that a) it was Shermie’s car, b) their brother himself was driving, and therefore c) the figure in the passenger seat was most likely their father.

Probably made Shermie drive him and Mom here so they wouldn’t have to pay for bus fare.

“How the heck did he call us if he was driving?” Stan asked, frowning.

“He called from a payphone when they stopped to get gas in town.”  Ford swallowed, wishing that would somehow get rid of the rock that had dropped into the pit of his stomach, or the clamminess of his hands.  “Figured a few minutes of warning was better than no warning at all.”

“How considerate of him,” Stan muttered, before turning on his heel and marching towards the house.  He slammed the door shut just as the car pulled to a stop in the driveway.

Ford sighed and pulled out a handful of cash, pressing it into Dan’s hand.

“Thank you.  You should go home now.”

“You sure?” Dan rumbled.

“Yes.  This is a private family matter.”

“Fair enough.”  Dan nearly knocked him down with a hard pat on the shoulder.  “Lemme know if you guys need to come and get drunk when it’s all over or something.”

Ford managed a thin smile, before swallowing down his nervousness and approaching his family.

********

The first one out was Mom.  As soon as she shut the car door behind her, she rushed over and pulled her son in for a hug.

“Stanford!  It’s good ta see you, honey.  Sorry we dropped in like this, but...Filbrick insisted.  Thought it was high time we come see what our boy’s been up to out here in the woods.”

Shermie was next, giving him an apologetic grimace over the top of the car before coming over and patting his shoulder as Mom finally released him.

“Hey, Ford.”

And then the man himself was out, face expressionless-but with an almost tangible aura of anger sizzling in the air around him.

Ford nodded to him, and swallowed.  “Pa.”

“Stanford.”  Pa leaned against the car, arms folded, in his ‘I’m waiting for an explanation’ pose.

For a moment the little group stood frozen in a small mosaic, waiting to see who would make the next move.  Ford kind of hoped that Stanley would come out and help him to get this over with...but there was no sign of his twin.  So at last he swallowed and decided to change the subject that hadn’t even been brought up.

“...How long are you planning to be in town for?”

“Just for the night,” Mom said apologetically.  “...Is it all right if we stay here? I know the timing’s not the best, but-”

“No, that’s fine-” a lie, but honesty was the best policy except when it wasn’t, which was often- “you know you’re always welcome, Mom.”

Taking that as his cue, Pa went around to the back of the car and pulled out their bags, handing two of them off to Shermie, who came around to help.  And, feeling more than a little helpless, Ford led all of them inside.

To his surprise, when he opened the door he saw that the living room had become almost-spotlessly clean.

Ah.  Good call, Stanley.

His experiment with trying to create the equivalent of an electric current using unicorn hair had been cleared away; all the books that were until recently on the floor were neatly stacked on the shelves; the giant thumb coffee table was covered with a blue sheet that was clearly meant to be a makeshift tablecloth, so it just looked like an oddly-shaped, lumpy table.  Nothing at all supernatural or out of the ordinary was in sight. And Stan was just now coming down the stairs, carrying an armful of Ford’s papers and a bottle of cleaning spray in his other hand.

“Hey, Mom, hey, Shermie.”  The deliberate snub was not lost on Ford-nor, if the clenching of his jaw was anything to go by, on Pa.  “Just tryna clean up for you-we don’t get a lotta visitors, so this lazy slob just leaves his stuff everywhere.”  He gestured at Ford with the cleaning spray.

Mom managed a halfhearted laugh.  “That’s all right, Stanley.” Then, without preamble she rushed over and pulled him into her arms.  “My goodness, you’ve gotten so big! What’ve you been eating ta make you so tall, hmm?”

“Grizzly bears,” Stan quipped, wrapping his free arm around her as much as possible and squeezing for all he was worth.  Ford realized that this was the first hug he’d gotten from their mother in years; the thought made his throat become unexpectedly tight.

And then Pa’s hand landed hard on Ford’s shoulder, and his father was saying, “We need ta talk, boy.  Now.”

Shermie let out an annoyed sound.  “Dad, can you not-”

“It’s okay,” Ford assured him.  And he led his father to the room where his secret passage to the basement was so they could have a little privacy in case either of them started shouting.

****

“I’m surprised at you, Stanford,” Pa said as soon as the door shut.  “I thought you’d finally come ta your senses and got rid of that dead weight, and suddenly you just out of the blue decided ta let him move in?”  His eyes probably narrowed, but it was hard to tell behind his sunglasses. “How much is he payin’ ya for rent?”

“Wha-” Ford stammered over his words.  “He’s not paying me anything!”

“Well he should be!” Pa snapped.  “He should be actually doin’ somethin’ ta earn his keep, instead o’ livin’ off all your hard work!  You’re falling back into the same patterns, boy, and if you insist on keepin’ him around for whatever-the-heck reason it’s gonna ruin you-”

“Actually, Pa,” Ford said venomously, “Stan’s been the one providing most of the income between the two of us.  He’s started up a very successful tour business-”

“Tour business?!  In a podunk town like this?!”  The old man scoffed. “If you believe that, then you’ve been had.”  He loomed over Ford, prodding him in the chest with one thick finger.  “I’m only gonna warn you once, Stanford: that idiot’s a bad influence, and he’ll bring you nothing but trouble.  Get rid of him.”

And he marched out of the room like he owned the place.

Ford clenched his fists, trying to stop the moisture from rising in his eyes and feeling a wave of shame overtake him when he couldn’t.

He’s not a bad influence! he wanted to shout at the top of his lungs.  Stan’s a far better person than you’ll ever be, you jerk, and if you’d listen to me just once I’d tell you that!

But he’d had his moment to defend Stanley from their father’s accusations, and he’d lost it.

********

Don’t be too hard on yourself, Ford.  Standing up to parents is scary.

#flipside au #gravity falls #stan pines #ford pines #filbrick pines is a jerk #filbrick pines #caryn pines #shermie pines #awkward reunion #unhappy reunion #dan corduroy

[therandomfics]

DISTANCE: 3

Sonny, 

I’m sorry that it came to this, that your last contact from me will be in the form of this letter. Truthfully, I have no idea when you’ll read this, or if you’ll read it, but I want to cover my bases and let you know a few things. We’ve been together for how long now? Two and a half years? I’ve barely seen you for the last 8 months. I respect your line of work and appreciate your commitment to serve and protect, but at what point were you going to protect our relationship?  When we first met, I couldn’t believe how wonderful you were. Do you remember? You interviewed me, and then Mr. Barba prepped me for trial. I was so thankful I was able to save that woman’s life, so thankful that I made a difference, and so thankful to have met you. My Knight in Shining Armor. The first handful of dates we went on left me reeling - I felt manic if I’m being honest. I just couldn’t believe that someone like you wanted someone like me. Even after we moved in together, or rather I moved in with you, it still felt like pure magic. I never wanted that feeling to end.  Yes, I’ve lied awake at night, wishing that I’d never met you, wishing that you’d turn in your shield and take up law, or anything other than leaving me for as long as you did. But you know, I was patient, and forgiving.  I trusted you to be the one that would never betray me. I know you know why it’s so important to me that I give my all and get the same in return. You know my parents were together nearly 30 years when my Mom left my Dad for some random man she met online and destroyed my concept of trust. You know the horrors of dating I experienced - it’s not easy being a woman, especially in a big city. You know the absolute nightmare my mother has become and how she tried to pit me against you so many times just to feed her own sick, sad little mind... and I never let it happen.  Sonny, you were number one in everything. Nothing came before you, but I will not promise that nothing comes after you, because I deserve something more. You’ve left me lonely for too long. You didn’t check in, you didn’t have anyone check in on your behalf, nothing. If I hadn’t seen you with her.. I would have thought you were dead.  You told me you were going back to find out what was going on, why someone would be trying to contact me, and then you’d be back. I understood - I was angry, but I fucking understood. Then, after I’ve been missing you for so long, I see you on the platform kissing that woman like you’ve loved her longer than you pretended to love me. What did I do to deserve this?  Amanda said you’re deep under and you’re trying to make friends with someone who know what’s really going on in hopes that you can bust a ring. A ring of what? Pedophiles? Rapists? Traffickers? Who cares? I don’t?  I’m so sorry it ends like this, darling. Please know that I will forever think of you as the man who taught me how to love and simultaneously want to kill myself at the same time. What a delight - what a SKILL SET you must have to make me feel so wildly unstable. I’d say I’m proud of you, but only if that translated to burn in Hell. 

Wishing you the best... 

Y/N

You sealed the letter in an envelope and left it lying on Sonny’s pillow for his long awaited return. A return, of course, for which you would not be present. It took no time at all to reach out to a friend in Brighton Beach and ask if you could stay with her for a bit, as things had gotten murky with your boyfriend. The neighborhood was a bit further from work, but you didn’t mind. After all, you’d no longer be in any rush to come home in the hopes that you’d find Sonny. You’d just be going home to Kristin and her childish but sometimes amusing boyfriend. Plus, it was only temporary, you reminded yourself. 

You changed your number, deleted your Facebook and Instagram, and created a new e-mail account in hopes of moving on and getting things together again. Sonny’s name had stayed on the lease and rent was drafted monthly from his account, so you weren’t too terribly concerned with that portion, either. Even more, you had started taking a new route to work just in case he tried to find you. For all you knew, though, he was still undercover, playing house with his new girlfriend. It occurred to you in a painful fashion that it was possible that his charade had been going on for quite some time - but, you weren’t worried about any communicable diseases, as you hadn’t been intimate with him in almost 9 months. It had been so long since you’d seen him, you had to admit you’d felt single but betrothed for so long, that you didn’t know how to act anymore. 

“Alex is gonna invite some friends over tonight, cool?” Kristin asked you before you headed to work. It was too early for conversation but she was doing you a huge favor by letting you stay there, leaving you no option but to be polite. 

“Yeah, no problem, you know that. I’m not gonna be home until like 8 or 9 tonight. The kids have their poetry reading tonight and I promised I’d supervise,” you explained as you slung your bag over your shoulder. “But yeah, definitely fine with me. See you tonight.” 

When you finally arrived back home that night, you were surprised to see that Kristin hadn’t been lying. Usually her some people meant at least fifteen people crowded into the apartment, but this time it really was only Kristin, Alex, and three of their friends. Two females and one male, whose names you didn’t catch as you went to your room and secluded yourself from the festivities in the living room. They were playing cards and drinking, which was a fairly common way to pass the time for them, you’d noticed. 

Even though you’d been staying with Kristin for about two months and had grown comfortable there, you wished you had your own place again. Before you met Sonny, you’d scored a loft for a steal and had stayed there for two years. But, along came Carisi and your life was flipped on its head. He changed so much of your day to day, you wondered how you’d ever move on without him. 

There was a knock at your door as you were changing into more comfortable clothes. You grumbled and opened it to find the mysterious man in the hall. It was a welcomed interruption. Human interaction normally meant not thinking about Sonny, and when he was a 6′1″ linebacker build with brown eyes and a mess of brunette curls, you were obliged to interact. 

“Hi?” you asked, brow arched. 

“Hey. Sorry to bother you. Alex said that you might have a phone charger?” he asked and held up his dying phone. 

“I do. Yeah, I’ll grab it,” you offered and walked over to your desk to unplug the cord. “When you’re done with it you can just leave it in the living room, I’ll grab it in the morning.” 

“Uh.. I was actually hoping I could hide out for a while,” he said with a nervous laugh. “Kristin and Alex are about five minutes away from being pornographic and Jennifer and Rachelle are.. not far behind. I’m the DD so I can’t exactly leave them. But, if not it’s totally fine!” 

You shrugged and handed him the charger. “You’re welcome to hang out here. I was just gonna watch TV for a while.” 

“Thanks. I’m Ryan by the way.” He plugged the charger into an outlet and plugged his phone in, setting it down on the floor. He pulled the chair out by your desk and sat down, considerate enough not to assume he could sit on your bed with you. 

“Y/N. Nice to meet you, Ryan.” You sat down and turned on the TV in your room, scanning until you found a B-Rated horror movie on Netflix and settled in. Your bed was against the wall, acting as a massive couch lined with pillows and blankets. It was comfortable, and you felt slightly selfish for making Ryan sit at the desk. “You’re welcome to sit over here, by the way. I know that’s an uncomfortable angle and a hard chair.” 

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” he confessed and stood up, finding a spot as far away from you as he could. “You haven’t been living here long have you? I feel like I’ve only seen you once.” 

You nodded absently and pulled your knees to your chest. “Just like, a couple months. I had a failed relationship and exiled myself to Brighton,” you explained with a small laugh. 

“Me too, actually. That’s why I hadn’t been hanging out with Kris and Alex as much. My girl - ex girl - wasn’t a fan of their company, said they were too wild. I dunno, they seem alright to me. It’s good to be free again.” 

You looked over at him and smiled. “You might be onto something. It is nice to know that I don’t have to expect anything. Things just are the way that they are.” 

“You’re really gorgeous though. I doubt you’ll be on the market too long - unless you want to be,” he added quickly. Compliments and common sense.

“I dunno about that one, Ryan. I thought I had a good one last time - you know, being so pretty and all - but he wasn’t really around much. Left me pretty lonely, especially the last almost year of the relationship.” You sighed, and then kicked yourself mentally. You didn’t want to appear vulnerable but there you were, admitting freely that you hadn’t been intimate in almost a year. “It’s fine though, you know, I’m tough and everything.” 

The blush that flashed across his cheeks meant that he knew what you’d accidentally confessed. “I’m sorry that you had to experience that. I hope that when you’re ready, you’ll find someone who gives you the attention that you definitely deserve.” 

Embarrassed, you averted your eyes to the television in time to see a poorly made up zombie trudging through the woods outside of an unsuspecting family’s home. You suddenly felt awkward, your face burning and your heart racing. The freedom of knowing that you could lean over at any given point and touch this new friend of yours left your head spinning. You’d forgotten what it felt to be with anyone but Sonny, and truth be told you’d almost forgotten what that was like, too. You spent the next half hour staring at the screen without understanding what was happening; anything to avoid looking at him. 

“Why do women wear heels when they’re staying at a cabin?” he asked after a while, watching a woman run through a dense forest in stilettos. 

“Because they’re sexy.” 

“You don’t need heels to be sexy, you know. A woman can look great in shorts and a hoodie,” he explained glancing over at you, pointedly, as you were wearing his described clothing combination. 

“But stereotypical sexy means cleavage, heels, and an air of damsel in distress,” you countered, trying to ignore his compliment. 

“That’s not really my thing, I guess.” 

“Yeah, mine either. I mean the stereotypical man - the whole Harvard or Hudson look.. I hate it,” you confessed with a laugh. “Give me some flaws, some rough edges, something else.” 

“You’re in luck. I am flawed, and very rough,” he replied, then laughed. “Not like that. I mean. No, no, nevermind.”

Pressing pause on the movie, you looked at the time and sighed. “Ryan, it is my bed time as of twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry to interrupt your internal conflict but I really have to tell you goodnight.” You scooted to the end of the bed and stood up, walking to the door. 

He followed suit and grabbed his phone, pausing as he stood in between you and the door. The world moved slowly around you as he leaned down and placed his hand on the back of your neck, pulling you closer to his face. When he finally kissed you, he pressed his body to yours and pushed you back against the door frame. It was aggressive and sexy, but it wasn’t right. You pulled away a few moments later and stared up at him in confusion. Yes, you had enjoyed it, but it just wasn’t right. 

“I.. uh..” you stammered, taking a step back. “I really need to sleep. I’ll see you around?” 

“Goodnight,” he said with a smile, and headed back down the hall. He turned around a few seconds later and stopped. “Hey, also? Next week Jennifer is hosting a Halloween at her place in Queens. Go with me. You’ll have a good time. I was thinking about being a Priest but I’m not sure yet. I’ll pick you up.” 

Once Ryan left, you shut and locked the door, fighting back the need to sob uncontrollably as you washed your face and brushed your teeth. You slept like absolute hell that night, dreaming of Sonny everytime you closed your eyes. Had you made the right decision? Who knew if he’d even read your letter yet. 

#sonny carisi x reader #detective carisi x reader #carisi x reader #svu fanfiction #dominick carisi #sonny carisi

[the-countessa]

Embrace the suck...it's gonna be a long ass night

It is not that I no longer care, because I do, and always will; not matter how angry, how hurt, how used up I feel, and without rhyme or reason, I always shall care. I'm always going to keep an eye on his facebook to make sure he is still alive and ok. I'm never going to stop wishing things were different or hoping like hell they're gonna change, or get something back from before. And I mean wish, and hope and hell, even prey (my version anyway) But I simply cannot have the person that he has become in my life. Too much hurt; too many times times over the last four and a half years of being treated (as he is fond of saying) like a cunt. Cheated on when we were dating, lied to repeatedly, and my feelings being railroaded. Then when I sat there, angry and upset, demanding to be treated with respect and consideration; well, with each time, it's become harder and harder for him to see. And treating my pain as insignificate and only from some shallow places of jealousy. And yes, even I can see the obserdity of it, to end it all over, as he sees it, pizza. But after so long of looking after him, since the very beginning back in Gravesend when we first hung out and he was unemployed, buying him food, trying to keep him going as best as I could. All I have ever done really. After doing that and being treated so badly and used up, when I needed him to simply return the damn favour when I had no food and no money, I get thrown out on my arse, for a date? And the ironic thing is, the bit he doesn't know, I actually like the idea of this one... But after so long giving and giving and giving; after him banging on about gratitue and friendship and giving back, he simply failed. Failed again. Failed me. And then to have the line "You're not my enemy, you'll just be another 'friend' that's decided to not talk to me anymore." as though I haven't tried time and time again, as though nothing I have ever done made any sort of matter; not Christmas (not good enough), not his birthday (too depressed), not paying for food, gym clothes, warhammer boards, taxis to and from a&e, not all the time I cooked dinner, did the laundry, made the bed, bought the linin and kitchen crap, not the running to the chemist when he was sick...not the sex, dating, friendship. None of it. And no, that doesn't mean I've forgotten what he did for me...but it doesn't balance the books. He let me move in with him, rent free, to get me away from my dad who was close to driving me to suicide; but that he had someone to pay for food whilst he wasn't working, pay the rent when he couldn't manage it (once? twice?). And arrangment of mutual conveniance that saved him just as much as it did me. Yeah, he paid out for some great nights out, but so did I...but it hurt more to pay for tickets to go up to London and watch him butterfly his arse around his friends, only to return for a drink. Hell, I paid for his birthday and for him to be at my own. The books just no longer balance, and there is only so much one can put up with until you wonder "why am I here? How can this be friendship when I feel like I am trying to constantly please you, only to have it go unnoticed, unmentioned?' I was always the first to fight his corner and the last out the ring, no matter what. But more and more he says and does things that leave me speechless and sick. A mutual friend lost the love of her life a couple of weeks before christmas; he'd have rather spent his money on a bottle of booze than support her. Even heard tell that she offered to pay for him to go to the memorial, just because she wanted him there...he couldn't muster up enough friendship to support someone who has truely lost something vital. December again, I spent a small fortune on a long month doing everything I could to make it good for him, almost the way you would for a child. And after forking out over £60 for his birthday, paying for him to come out for mine...couldn't even manage a 99p birthday card. What did he say to me the day before Christmad Eve, something about him rather spending his money making him happy. Not a thought to giving back. Halloween; I get sexually assulted, and what frightened me most was him pining me to the bed with his hands around my throat screaming at me. And promptly throwing me out. Ignored me for three days. Told me how his hands around my throat was my fault. The wife beater excuse, the line of domestic abusers, that it was asked for. And that's now ironically been capped off with him telling me to report the abusive bastard who lives next door. And that is who he is. A lying, cheating, violent, angry, bitter man, so self obsessed that if he were to read this, would be more concerned about him image than that he has hurt and terrified the person who has done more good things for him than most. So self-serving, he's rather date than help a friend who sucked up their pride and fear and asked for just a little help. So hypocritial, he bangs on about how pro-feminist he is, how much he understands mental health because he has problems too, that he oh so easily paints me as the Crazy ex-GIRLfriend, throws my depression in my face, hell, even the other day he was pulling at the thread of someones BPD. So obssesed with this idea he has of happiness, that he doesn't spair a thought for those he climbs over to get to it. So weighed down with his past, so stuck there, that any female worth a damn couldn't get through; more in love with what has gone that he barely appreciates what he has. Ok, so exactly true; he has been more than happy to praise everyone else who has helped him (joint incommers or people who have had a sudden windfall) just not me. The one who the second she can't afford to keep him is told "If someone offers to pick me up n feed me for free then sorry but I'm gonna take it." turning his date into little more than a meal ticket and showing me that I am no longer of any use. What was the point of me? That isn't even a drop in the ocean of it all; so much over the last four and a half years. And memories that should be good are now completely tainted. I managed 28 years on this earth without one real regret, until now. And that is I regret having ever met him. And that is heart crushing. That is what drives me into a bottle and into a packet of little blue pills. For my shame. So, how can I still care for someone, after all that? Maybe everyone, his people and mine, are right, Im just abused and frightened and simply stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe I am right, maybe underneath it all, the fear and anger and confusion, there is a good soul. Or maybe my mother is right and he is suffering from some serious mental health issue. I just don't know anymore. But still, how in the hell can I still find it in me to give a damn and wish we could go back? It's fucked up. I don't know if he'll read this. I hope he does. I really hope he does. I know he'll be fuming, see it as an attack or bitchfest. But honestly, I just want, and he needs to see that he cannot go on this way. That this, who he has become and what he is doing is not good or right, for the best, or anyone elses fault but his own. And fix it! No one else can. I am not just some 'friend', I was your best friend who would have done anything to keep you from drowning. I did not decide to not talk to you, I am just simply unable to talk without wanting to scream and shout and cry and hope like hell something finally gets through that thick skull of yours! And no, I am not the only one. Hell, my family hates him now; even my own mother, who opened her home to him after he cheated on me with Jasz because I asked her to, who stood by me during so many arguments and rows before Christmas to ensure that he wasn't alone wants to clobber him (though, as I keep telling her, she is disabled and probably would not get very far). And as for his friends? How many of them told me to run, call him a snake, have told me how they are done with his melodrama and bullshit...and not just the ones who show two faces, but the genuine good ones have basically decided that they are done. I'm sure that will send him into a rage, but I should be clear that no, I haven't been slagging him off to everyone and their mother just to get that response because I have been begging everyone to tell me I am wrong. And trying like hell to make sure these people stay close enough in his life to keep an eye on him. I do not want him to loose his people because (so long as he doesn't continue to alienate them) he will need them. It hurt to see him advertise a gig for a band that he knows I love, that he promised to take me to, because he cut me out. It hurts to read him alter history just enough that I loose my place it in. It all hurts and I get angry and yes I lash out. Because it is unfair and crule. But I'll get over that all in time...a very, very, very long ass time. What I shall not get over is his self-distruction. Ok, maybe we no longer fit in one anothers life; but to watch hin waste his life, ignore his health, and basically act more like a child than the almost 40 year old adult is driving me nuts. I want to shake him. No, I want to tie him to a chair whilst I beat him with a basebalk bat yelling "I love you but sort you fucking shit!" Own your mistakes. Admit to them. See yourself for what you really are, and fucking well fix them! Take a long hard look at your life, stop blaming others and walking around with a chip on your shoulder like the Universe owes you something and get the hell over it. And take a long hard look at everything you have done to me over the last four and a half years, be honest with yourself about your actions, your behaviour; from the editing of a truth to "save" my feelings, to the outright lies, cheating, using my body like I was a whore (a post for another time, but fucking someone without eye contact, without a simple sodding kiss, and with what we did, without basic aftercare, I have come away with some serious issues in regards to sex...on top of a sexual assult) and see through my eyes. See how it looks and feels to always be dropped by you best friend for the same reason time and time again, sex. No other reason, not for family or friends or emergancies or work or anything, just sex. Just open your eyes. All this writing, all these words are for me, and though I know he will be angry for it, I hope that there is an understanding (finally) that this silly little account is the one corner of the internet is mine. And surely a hell of a lot better than posting it to facebook. And Id never be able to say these things to him, because his anger would stop him from actually listening and just start shouting me down. I don't honestly know if he'll read this, but I hope he gets to the end. I hope he reads and dwells and thinks and learns and changes. I do not know how to get out of this blackhole, I only know that he is the only one with the power to do so. All I can do is make an attempt to follow a little of my own advice. I am lacking for a life, but I am working on it. Not to spite him, but regardless of him, I need it. And I need to follow my passion too. Something that makes me happy, that I hope may bring joy to others. You broke my heart, and my spirit, but I shall rebuild me. A better me. Me who will be just as giving and as loving as I always have. And I sincerly hope he can do the same because he is on a path to his own personal hell, and to stay in his sphere right now will only drag me down with him. I cannot allow that. And once he has fixed him, maybe he'll come find me, and maybe he can lay some groundwork to fix us, better than before. But no one can live on just hope forever. Anyway, if you stuck with this long ass post, thanks. And ten points to you. I realise it's filled with melodrama and meloncolly...and god awful spelling errors, but I dont have a spell check and it is below freezing and I am smoking up a storm as I type. And it's dark too since we've blown a fuse at the homestead. But I am an emotive person, a quite a talking, and a classic over thinker whose mind has literally been stuck on this issue for the last 2 weeks and 6 days. And people have told me to talk to him, but I know he will not listen to me, so I figured, try here? Maybe something might get through? And maybe, I can expell some of this negativity and pain so I can move on, in that healthy mature sort of way. Anyway, I guess that's it. XOXOX