#i was gonna fucking take a gap semester because my health issues completely fucked me up but you said not to!

[lethargicdeceiver]

i need to vent.

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i won’t be able to take this much lonfer.

it’s been going on for a year now, and i’m just not strong enough.

i’m feeling worse and worse everyday, it’s been almost a year since i last cut but i feel like i may relapse at any moment.

it’s horrible to think how much time has passed, but three years ago, my mental health issues started to manifest itself. abour three years ago, i lived through the worst summer in my life, a horrible period of time when i was literally drowning in selfloathing and textbook depression, and it was also the time i guess i started to slowly realize that my parents are emotionally abusing me. i overcame it, locked it in, and lived through another year hating myself only casually, mostly just surviving, until a year after the first time, it all started to come back, i started selfharming and i also started seeking professional help. but at that time, at least i had so many people around me that loved me, cared about me and were always there to help me.

there were a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were so worth it, and even though i was literally a mess, especially during summer because i wasn’t on antidepressants yet, i had times when i could be genuienly happy. i decided to make this summer way, way better, i met friends, went to conventions, did stuff i loved and tried my best. when i felt like shit and wanted to die, which was often, i had people i could go to. i felt loved. i felt like i belonged.

i went through it all, it started to get better, and i was so happy. i could see it getting better, and even though it was kinda scary and unknown, because i forgot what good were, in the long run, it made me feel so good, and i could push through life and all of it’s hardships, all of the challenges it plus my mental illness put in front of me.

but at this time last year, it all started slowly going to shit again.

yeah, i graduated higschool with mostly no problems. i also lost a lot of friends thanks to it. it’s just not the same when you don’t see each other in the school halls every single day... and especially since i went to another city.

i mean, i really was thinking about staying at home for at least one next year, but i desperately wanted to get away from my parents, and for that, i am super glad i did, because even if they don’t change, at least i don’t need to listen to their bullshit everyday. only on the weekends and holidays.

but with that i also lost the people around.

even if we try to stay in touch, it’s just not the same. there’s a distance. with everyone.

there’s even distance with people i even thought i would get closer to thanks to the circumstances.

and it’s growing, between me and every single person i know, the gap is getting larger and larger.

i grew apart with everyone to the point that i myself can’t believe it.

and i don’t know why it happened, it may have been my fault, it may have been their, it may have happened naturally.

but it’s change. and i hate changes with burning passion.

personally, i never wanted to find new friend in college, and to be completely honest, i still don’t really want to: i would just like for the old ones to come back to the same kind of relationship we used to have. is that too much to ask?

but i didn’t even really find friend in college either, because i am unable to socialize properly. it started okay, then it went to shit, then it seemed okay for a minute too, but now it’s just... i don’t know. lots of people i thought i was gonna become friends with ended their studies, which is also a huge bummer. and generally, the socialization has never been going well, and is never going to go well, now i know, but still, it sucks so much.

so i’m alone, i have a roommate that literally doesn’t talk to me more than “hi” and “bye” (which is funny bcs in czech we even use the same word to greet and say goodbye, so it’s like literally one word we speak, it’s fucking unbeliavable) and at this point, almost no friend, and the few i have left... it’s not enough, it’s not what i would like, and mostly, it’s not what it used to be, and that hurts the most.

i feel extremely disconnected and both alone and lonely.

i don’t feel like there’s any point in living.

i regret everything.

i’m going to be twenty. and i accomplished nothing.

i have stories i want to write, games i want to make, song i want to cover, books i want to read, anime i want to watch, languages i want to read.

and yet, i am doing literally nothing. i feel like i’m just wasting every second of my goddamn life.

i’m getting older, time’s not going backwards, and i am missing opportunities with every second, and i will never even be able to accomplish anything.

i don’t know what i want from life. i always take up some hobby or so, but i always give up. i never finish anything. i don’t have motivation, and i get discouraged super easily. and yet, i would love to do great thing...

but i can’t even handle the fucking school. one, it’s very hard for me as a person. second, it’s very hard for me thanks to my mental illness. thirds, i’m fucking stupid and lazy and procrastinate and keep putting stuff off and then i just sit and cry while still not getting anything done. i don’t even know if they’re going to let me pass this semester, and to be honest, probably not, because it’s miracle that i got through the first one... but i’m not really sure what will i do if that happens.

i’ve watched my life crumble in my hand twice already, when i literally hi my rock bottom. but beside that, i have written a suicide note, i have hurt myself, i went through a lot of despair, i doubled my medication so i could just fall asleep and not think about stuff, i lost a lot of people, i withstood shitton of abuse from my parents, bullying in every school i went to. when i came to college, i had a hard time with taking in how everyone just accepted me as a normal person, as someone equal and not lower or vastly different, because that’s what i’ve been tought to be from all the people around my age.

even though it still all sounds kinda fake to me, i’ve gone through a lot. these two times i consider me hitting my rock bottom, i survived and pushed through, and stuff got better over time.

but that happened already twice, and now, it is supposed to happen for the third time?

i’m feeling worse and worse. it’s not really.. urgent, it’s  more like i’m slowly losing my will to live.

i am very good at pretending that i am ok to my family and at school, and somehow even with friends, if i talk to anyone, i guess.

when i get the opportunity i drink myself to the oblivion, and i have been eating like a pig lately. i had a period of time when i got kinda addicted to cigarettes, but it passed and i don’t think will come back because the wonderful eu stopped making other flavors then mint, and i got too used to the sweetness and mildness of the blueberry ones that even the mints make me want to puke now.

but i shouldn’t drink because i take permanent medication, and also because i am starting a diet in a few days, so i also shouldn’t eat a lot, and not the comfort food. and now i don’t even have cigarettes, so how the fuck am i supposed to cope then? you are taking all the joy from my life away, i will have to result to cutting again to at least somehow release all the emotions.

i’m tired, everything pisses me off, and i split left and right, hating everyone, hating life, for not being the way i want, hating myself afterwards.

it’s all just piling up, i’m anxious a lot, but i am starting to get more and more lethargic to everything, and feel more and more dead inside. and i don’t know what to do. i have no idea, i’m lost, no clue what step should i take.

i don’t know if i find all this bullshit worth it.

i lived through the ultimate shit twice already, but the third time? i don’t want to. i’m not strong enough. i’m tired. i can’t handle it again. i won’t be able to survive this, if this continues, and oh if a miracle that i’m waiting for won’t happen, it will continue, because it’s been going on for a fucking year with literally no sign of getting even slightly better.

the moments of happiness are short lived, and getting shorter and shorter, and the cons of being alive are slowly outweighting the pros. it’s not worth going through all of this again, just to see everything fall into pieces and go into shit.

i don’t want to go through it again. i want to end this vicious cycle.

but i don’t know, i guess i’m even lowkey suicidal at this point. i’m mostly just wishing i would get hit by a car or something, rather and actively thinking of ways to kill myself. not saying that doesn’t happen too.

i just want everything to end.

because nothing is perfect and that’s the main problem.

and even though it may seem like i’m trying no blame people or something, it’s not, this is not a guilttrip and i don’t want to call anyone out or any of that bullshit. i’m just saying how the situation is.

tl;dr, from horrible times and complete mess, my life actually started to get better and i was very okay with that, but for the last year it has been only going downhill and i don’t know if i want to go through that cycle again. i may not survive it this time. i don’t know if i want to survive it for this price.

#personal