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ladyideal · 3 years

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Valentine’s Day Drabbles

We all know what this day is all about. Lmao. While it shouldn't only be one day you should be appreciating your partner, let's do this anyways.

Star Trek:

AOS Crew: Jim, Scotty, Bones, scones x reader, mckirk x reader

Disco Crew (s2 only): Pike, Tilly

Almost Human: John Kennex

LOTR: Aragorn, Eomer, Legolas, Boromir, Haldir

The Boys: Billy Butcher, Hughie

Marvel: Bucky Barnes, Dr. Strange, Steve Rogers (if you don’t mind me trying to write him), Stucky x reader

Rules:

Please reblog. 🙂 Share the love around.

It’s open to anyone and everyone, but it would be nice if you were following me.

I will allow anons this time. But please. One ask per person. If I get too many anon requests, I will reserve the right to write first come first serve.

Send in an ask with your prompt(s) and character/ships. If you want to suggest other characters on the list, just ask.

If you would like a pet within the story, lemme know. I'll be forever grateful. Or if you want something specific, also put that in.

Last date to request for a drabble will be February 12th, 2021.

Mix and match, choose more than one prompt if you wish.

If you've got any questions, feel free to message me. 🙂 They’ll be all be posted on the 14th!

Prompts Below:

1. “Be mine until the end of time.”

2. “I’ve been hit with Cupid’s arrow.”

3. “Happy Valentine’s Day, from now until forever.”

4. “Only if you promise to be my valentine.”

5. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” “Um….. is that today?”

6. Preparing a special Valentine’s Day dinner together.

7. Trying to find the right words to write in a Valentine’s Day card

8. Making homemade chocolates for their beloved

9. Planning and proposing to their significant other on Valentine’s Day

10. Wearing brand new lingerie for a sexy evening together

11. Attending a Valentine’s Day party and finding an impromptu date

12. Your crush giving you advice for the night of Valentine’s Day when they think you already have another date

13. Being surprised by flowers and chocolate sent to your work from a secret admirer

14. Forgetting tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and frantically rushing out to find a last-minute gift.

15. Writing a secret love letter and leaving it on your crush’s desk

16. “Roses are red, violets are blue, all I want for this V-Day is to do you!”

17. Candy hearts

18. Roses

19. Blind date/set up by friends

20. Chocolates

21. Movie night

22. Late for a date

23. Wrong restaurant

24. Strangers alone on Valentine's day

25. Friend(s) date

26. Rained out picnic

27. Low on money/homemade date

28. Surprise date while working late

29. Forgot to get anything

30. Babysitter canceled/Family date night

31. Secret admirer/admitting a crush

Situations:

32. Person A and Person B are friends and neither of them have a date for Valentine’s Day, so they decide to order takeout of some kind and watch a movie together. At some point, hidden feelings are revealed.

33. “ Happy unimaginative, consumerist oriented and completely arbitrary, manipulative, and shallow interpretation of romance day.”

34. Person A has been in love with person B for years and is trying to work up the courage to ask them out on Valentine’s Day.

35. Person A is friends with Person B and Person C and believes they belong together, so when Person A and Person B agree to set each other up on blind dates, Person A sets person B up with Person C.

36. “I know a Valentine’s Day proposal is cliche, but won’t it be romantic?”“ This Valentine’s Day is officially Pal-entine’s Day.” “ Isn’t that the emperor from Star Wars?”

37. “I’m not good with feelings, but here goes nothing. My life sucks less with you in it.”

38. Person A plans the most romantic day ever, not realizing Person B hates Valentine’s Day.

39. Valentine’s Day break up.

40. “ I don’t even want to hear about Valentine’s Day, okay? The love of my life is dead.”

41. “This holiday is so pointless.”

42. “Do you maybe want to go to the Valentine’s dance with me??

43. Person A and Person B were going to have the most amazing date ever, but there was a snowstorm and now they’re stuck at home.

44. “You still have your Christmas lights up? It’s February! Get your life together!”

45. Person A and Person B have to spend Valentine’s Day apart.

46. “What? I do not like him/her/them! We’re just friends.”

47. “Wow, you suck at flirting.”

48. Person A is stood up for a date. Person B, who is secretly in love with them, does everything in their power to cheer them up.

49. Quarantine Valentine’s Day.

50. Person A and Person B debate which fictional couple they would be. And there was only one bed!

51. Person A doesn’t know Person B and Person C are together, until Person C walks into Person B’s room on Valentine’s Day without knocking.

52. Person A sets up a romantic scavenger hunt for Person B.

53. Person A is late for a date with Person B.

54. Person A accidentally buys Person B a gift they are allergic to.

55. A carriage ride at sunset.

56. “Hey, we should play spin the bottle!”

57. A date gone horribly wrong.

58. “I need help picking an outfit for a date tonight.”

59. Person A and Person B make a bet. If Person B loses, they have to go on a date with Person A.

60. Stargazing.

61. “I got a new dress. Do you like it?” “I’ll like it better when it’s on my floor.”

62. Medieval royalty romance AU

63. Person B is in love with Person A, who agreed to go out with Person C for Valentine’s Day.

64. Romantic getaway.

65. Personalized candy hearts.

66. Person A and Person B are on a date when they run into Person A’s ex.

67. Person A confesses their love to Person B, who does not return their feelings.

68. Person A and Person B decide to platonically go on a date.

69. Everyone spends the whole day trying to get Person A and Person B together.

70. Person A and Person B get into a situation in which they think they are going to die, so they pour their hearts out only to be rescued at the last minute.

71. First Valentine’s Day as a married couple.

72. Person A tries to prove they aren’t in love with Person B by setting Person B up on a date.

73. A picnic in the park, but it’s snowing.

74. Person A gives Person B a romantic gift and Person A vows to keep it forever.

75. Caught cheating on Valentine’s Day.

76. First kiss.

77. “This has been terrible, but at least I’m with you.”

78. Person A has a surprise planned and Person B is dying to know what it is.

79. Person A and Person B are on a date and discover Person C and Person D have secretly been together for months.

80. Cupid’s arrow

81. Getting stood up on Valentine’s Day

82. Watching the one you love on a date with another

83. Pinky promise me forever

84. Massages

85. Open prompt

Credit prompts to @vv-writing-prompts, @writing-prompts-list, & @im-the-letter-t

#valentines2021 #valentine's day prompts #taking up drabbles

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ginmo · 4 years

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How do you think the Bran and Jaime’s meeting will go in the books? I’ve read theories guessing he might end up as King Bran’s Hand, meta where the writers want him to become a mentor or father figure to the Starks in a full circle of his redemption arc, while others don’t want or think he should be involved with the Starks long-term either because of his and his family’s sins against the Starks or because they view his arc as reclamation rather than redemption or atonement. 1/2

This is what GRRM said about Bran and exploring time.

“It's an obscenity to go into somebody's mind. So Bran may be responsible for Hodor's simplicity, due to going into his mind so powerfully that it rippled back through time. The explanation of Bran's powers, the whole questions of time and causality - can we affect the past? Is time a river you can only sail one way or an ocean that can be affected wherever you drop into it? These are issues I want to explore in the book, but it's harder to explain in a show.” - Fire Cannot Kill a Dragon

Hodor’s name reveal is neat and all, but Bran’s power to manipulate the past doesn't exist just so we can randomly learn Hodor’s pointless name origin. That would be ridiculous unless the scene was used to introduce that ability. Hodor’s name reveal is important to the narrative, and I believe its purpose is to set up a much bigger event/reveal involved around Bran interfering with the past, not just observing it. I’m pretty sure GRRM was hint-hinting to D&D about this, which is why he told them about the random ass Hodor scene that was already written, thinking it would be obvious what that means for the overall plot and letting them run with it but………………..

Because of this, I think it’s possible Bran brought himself to where he is.

IF Bran isn’t involved in The Push, then he could have been involved with Jaime killing the Mad King. I kinda like the idea of Bran playing into Aerys’ madness, causing him to stock up on wildfire around the city, because then the wildfire would be an essential future plot element for a bigger purpose towards the end of the series and it would be a question of time, “a river you can only sail one way, or an ocean that can be affected wherever you drop it,” but for the entire series. (And, as someone with a passion in astrophysics, I’m a sucker for discussions around time. BUTTHAT’SJUSTME)

Do I totally subscribe to this theory? Eh. I’m still not convinced Bran is King of All of Westeros for reasons, but I’m open-minded. I DO think Jaime is surviving the series, for reasonsssss, so I’m putting that disclaimer out there right now. I will never claim with absolute confidence that he is surviving though because, I mean, nobody fucking knows, and there’s an argument for death. I’m just going off of narrative clues that I perceive to be clues, and taking other character arcs into consideration. After literally drawing up a table because I’m weird, the column for Survive has more evidence and justification than the column for Dies, so that’s why I lean the way I lean. SO with that being said, I think it’s possible he has more of a political future.

IF this is what GRRM is writing, Jaime would still be responsible for pushing him, of course, but future Bran would want to be pushed. He'd be setting everything in motion to create the butterfly effect that makes it happen.

Even if that isn’t what GRRM had intended with exploring time, it’s highly likely Bran’s character development is taking him down a path of apathy over it, meaning he wouldn’t be needing Jaime to do something for the purpose of redemption for him.

Speaking of Redemption…

-deep breath-

I’m going to go off on this a bit because it IS relevant, I swear.

“Limits of redemption” is probably the biggest wtf interpretation fandom has when it comes to what GRRM actually said. I’ll try not to go off on it too much here but -

Interviewer: Both Jaime and Cersei are clearly despicable in those moments. Later, though, we see a more humane side of Jaime when he rescues a woman, who had been an enemy, from rape. All of a sudden we don’t know what to feel about Jaime.

GRRM: One of the things I wanted to explore with Jaime, and with so many of the characters, is the whole issue of redemption. When can we be redeemed? Is redemption even possible? I don’t have an answer. But when do we forgive people? [...] I want there to be a possibility of redemption for us, because we all do terrible things. We should be able to be forgiven. Because if there is no possibility of redemption, what’s the answer then? [x]

I bolded “we” from the interviewer, because it gives context to GRRM’s answer with “we” being the readers, not the characters or Jaime himself. (I think there’s another interview where he says “limits of redemption” but it’s in the same context. I could be wrong but I SWEAR I heard it. Anyway…)

“I kind of tried to ask, ‘do you think he’s changed?’ to get him to talk about Jaime’s redemption arc, so he said something like he wanted to explore the concept of forgiveness and whether it’s possible to be forgiven for doing such horrible things, and that his goal was to ask the question, not give an answer.” [x]

Fandom thinks this is the characters giving Jaime forgiveness, and maybe there will be a small element of that in the books, but the question is for the readers. No, Jaime is not actively seeking redemption from people. His redemption is for himself, through living his best life, by rediscovering the person he used to be. Yes He Will Be Redeemed and No He Will Fail assume redemption is some arbitrary checklist determined by One Big Act, and they’re answers to a question GRRM doesn’t want to give an answer to.

The purpose of Jaime’s POVs is to ask the readers, and the most obvious moment of this was the bath scene. GRRM smacks us over the head with the Aerys confession, and then as we’re introduced to more and more of his POV chapters, he slowly chips away at the Jaime illusion that was intentionally established the moment he pushed one of the perceived child protagonists out of a window. It’s brilliant, and I’m sorry GRRM that a large chunk of your fandom is too dense to get it. How frustrating lol. I’ll be insulted for him. (I’m legit wondering if his recent angsty tweets about grey and redemption about real life stem from a concern that his fandom won’t understand the point of the series.)

To give you an idea of where these people are coming from, at least one BNF idiot on Twitter believes redemption hasn’t been explored with Jaime yet.

But uh…

GRRM mentioned his intent is to “explore redemption” after delivering Jaime POVs, because... it’s... not a spoiler… he’s already exploring redemption, because the question is being asked TO US. We were supposed to have an “oh shit” moment, realizing this is more complex than the surface level, biased perspective we were delivered at the beginning of the story. “Maybe Westeros and my protagonist have it wrong.” -cough- the people in the village in BatB -cough-

No matter how much fandom likes to pretend they love GRRM for pushing the boundaries of fantasy, they secretly fucking hate it. They love to be comfortable, dude. That’s why they read this series as if it’s a clear cut Good vs. Evil, because a) ego and b) that’s easy. If GRRM was writing Jaime as doing everything with ill intent then…. his… question isn’t being asked. They think everything he does right now is selfish and Bad, so they’re waiting. They want it spoon fed to them. They want classic fantasy. They want Starks = Good, Lannisters = Bad.

But… if the author sees Jaime’s actions as grey and complex, enough to ask the question to the readers if he’s redeemed in their eyes or not, then he’s not going to write an endgame that punishes the character for narrative payoff, because he doesn’t see his actions as “sins” or “crimes” in the same way that these people are. Once upon a time, a person on tumblr reblogged one of my posts and said that Jaime will rape Cersei before he kills himself and that will be his endgame. But GRRM doesn’t view Jaime as a rapist, so he’s not going to write Jaime as a rapist. I’m bringing that up, because it’s the same phenomenon. People can ignore authorial intent all they want, but NOT when it comes to predicting narrative trajectory. The general fandom is terrible at that lol.

The exploration of redemption for Jaime comes in the form of confronting his disillusioned self and everything attached to it. Before someone thinks, “lolllll he isn’t disillusioned”

“he actually was a very idealistic young man who was disillusioned by life” [x]

Jaime’s redemption is the path of returning to that idealistic man for himself. It’s by feeling ashamed of the things he’s done to hide his love for Cersei. It’s by gaining independence and detaching from the toxic relationship that caused a mess outside of them. It’s by wanting to be like the knights he admired in his youth, and like the woman warrior that inspired him.

So when I think about narrative payoff for Jaime, I don’t see it framed as him being “punished” for actions viewed as “crimes,” when GRRM clearly established those “crimes” as complicated and grey with a character already going through some positive development, and especially when the characters judging are written to be flawed as well.

On the other side, having him be “punished” by succumbing to hatred and anger is for sure giving an answer (this just… -sits on hands- don’t even get me started on THIS fucking hot take). That answer would be a clear, solid, “No, no matter how hard he tries to turn his life around, he can’t be redeemed, because he’s a hateful, angry, fucked up person.” I’ve legit seen people think “limits of redemption” is a boundary of redemption drawn in the sand that Jaime is walking towards but he won’t be able to cross it. I-.........................

And what’s even the point of his handchop if scenario number 2 happens?

“And Jaime, losing a hand, losing the very thing he defined himself on is crucial to where I think I want to go with the character. And he questions what do you make of yourself if you’ve lost that.” - GRRM [x]

(I’m going to put this quote in every post sorry not sorry)

So he’s going to take Jaime on this big identity journey just for him to be like “lol nah he isn’t that” …?? That makes the loss of his hand meaningless, not “crucial.” Is it really crucial for him to lose his hand if he’s bringing him back to the beginning? Is it really crucial for him to lose his hand to make himself realize he’s hateful and a failure and murder Cersei and then himself? No. He could have still met Brienne and been inspired by her knightly ways, attempted to live a better life, found out about Cersei’s affairs, etc. He doesn’t need to lose his hand to reach a point of fucking murder/suicide lmao fuck (not saying he’ll do that but I KNOW people are thinking it).

The loss of his hand is “crucial,” because GRRM has bigger endgame plans for him in the form of politics, and the journey to believably get there requires the forced loss of his warrior identity and everything that the hand symbolized.

AS FOR THE ACTUAL HAND THEORY...

Even though I’m undecided on it, I CAN see it IF Bran is King. I get it. Jaime’s missing his right Hand, he becomes the Hand to the kid he pushed out the window. Hardy har har. I understand how that would be pleasing.

And we all know GRRM said something about how the best ones for power are the ones who don’t want it…

And… this suspicious scene at the very beginning of the series…

“You should be the Hand.”

“Gods forbid,” a man’s voice replied lazily. “It’s not an honor I’d want. There’s far too much work involved.”

Bran hung, listening, suddenly afraid to go on. -AGOT

BUT IF that happens, it wouldn’t be there as some sort of #atonement #forredemption. It would be there because of Jaime’s growth as a character after developing into a political player, after asking himself, “what do you make of yourself if you’ve lost [the swordhand]?” He’s no longer the warrior he once was. He dislikes any sort of political position, because he feels most alive with a sword in his hand. But that was Warrior Jaime, and the point of “what do you make of yourself after you’ve lost that” is Jaime going down a different path after discovering that Warrior Jaime has died. I mean, he’d never be actively seeking power and thinking it’s the best career ever, like he’d probably be all -sighhhhhhh- about it, but he’d be doing the responsible thing and what’s necessary. He’d make himself useful in a new way.

“The Warrior had been Jaime’s god since he was old enough to hold a sword. Other men might be fathers, sons, husbands, but never Jaime Lannister, whose sword was as golden as his hair. He was a warrior, and that was all he would ever be.” - AFFC (Do I really need to make a post about how GRRM foreshadows? Mr. Bran: “I never fall”...?)

Jaime losing his hand was the narrative consequence for The Push, making all of his development post handchop -ALL OF HIS POVS- the redemption theme. It was the hand that pushed Bran, fucked his twin, killed his king, swung the sword against fandom’s Precious Protagonists…

“You ought to be pleased. I’ve lost the hand I killed the king with. The hand that flung the Stark boy from that tower. The hand I’d slide between my sister’s thighs to make her wet.” - AFFC

So if Jaime becomes his Hand, it would be the two characters meeting in the middle, not Jaime groveling at his feet, begging for forgiveness, framed as a punishment for sins - “sins” that fandom views as “sins” that need narrative payoff, because they don’t understand intent.

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inrainprose · 4 years

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Isn't sad how all those children preferred to live in a dark cave, caged, all being used as test subject for Orochimaru's bizarre experiments, living like animals, than in their natal villages with their "companions"?

F***ING WEBSITE FROM HELL I F***ING DELETED THAT F***ING META BECAUSE I CLICKED BACKSPACE ONE TIME TO MANY F**K THIS okay here we go again because I thought hard about this and I’m not gonna let it go.

SO. I think Orochimaru is a far more interesting character when written as a cult leader for outcasts than with just the children-snatching psychopath view, because we don’t get the impression that he coerces people into following him. There’s no doubt he did some abducting but that’s not the core of his recruitment strategy.

It was a strong theme at the beginning of the story with Zabuza and Haku – how far would you go for the first person to ever show you kindness and give you safety, even if it was for selfish reasons, even if they’re terrible people? I seem to recall Naruto thinking something along the lines of “I was lucky it was Iruka for me, had it been someone else…” and relating to Haku’s loyalty to Zabuza despite knowing he was just a mean to an end. It makes for great AUs too – what if Naruto had latched onto someone less recommendable than nice Iruka? It's too bad that line of thinking was dropped because it also served as a harsh criticism of their world, the fact that it produces so many bitter, abandoned orphans that have no choice but to turn to brutal mercenaries and unhinged scientists. The shinobi world created many of its own enemies, within and outside the villages.

I don’t think the kids “prefer” to live that way, but they would still be starving in the streets or abused by their village without Orochimaru, so it’s normal to do whatever he wants in return, right? Including kill or fight each other to death or subject themselves to whatever he wants to test on them… Of course it’s textbook recipe for abuse, the “you owe me” card. He takes full advantage of this, that they have nowhere else to go, that they will owe him. He also makes it even harder for them to go back, what with the body modifications and making it to every village’s shit list with the killing and stuff he has them do.

(more under the cut cause that got a bit out of hand)

He basically runs a cult – he’s shown to be charismatic, having a great power of attraction and persuasion, and he doesn’t treat them that badly, I mean in a way we often see bad guys do, being belittling and acing them off for fun just to show he’s eeeeevil. He does give them what they want, safety, shelter, power, companionship, purpose. I can imagine him playing the benevolent card for a while before introducing his newest refugee to the downside of getting under his wing. He preys on the vulnerable and they come willingly.

It’s most likely their only option, including once they’re in and realize they’re really not into this after all. It’s not like any of them was ever offered a way out – what would they do if they left, who would help them? The shinobi world doesn’t seem big on rehabilitation, for all Naruto’s “villain-turning-good” powers. Most of them pay their “redemption” and their return to the light by death anyway. Would be too hard to actually question their morality and choices and see what they would become if they went back to the world…

Ironically enough the only one who sort of gets that is Orochimaru lmao but it doesn’t count because there was no redemption nor questioning of any kind they just decided he got to stay and not be held accountable for any of his actions. And I don’t know why any of us is surprised by this actually or why we expected better we should be used to this by now. Ah. Moving on.

As the kids grow up, they would either develop a stronger sense of morality/self-worth and wouldn’t be able to go along with this shit anymore, no matter how grateful they are to him, or they would stay blindly loyal. Or they would just be dead, dying, or imprisoned and unable to escape heh. I guess some would also take a deeper turn because since this world sucks so much and abandoned them why wouldn’t they wreak havoc in it on his orders? He must play on this too because he IS outside and against the system and it would attract those who seek revenge against it, even if he serves his own interests above the "Strike back at the System" cause. It served him well when he was in Konoha after all and isn’t that his biggest grievance in the end? That he played within its constraint and was still cast out, because he crossed a line he didn’t even know was there? We don’t get a feeling that he’s inherently against the whole child-soldiers/kill for hire/waging pointless wars thing, on the contrary it suits him quite well, but the problem was the hypocrisy, that they condone those things but still try to take the moral high ground.

I’m sorry but I can only imagine Orochimaru being like “assassination ok torture for information ok civilian casualties ok sacrifice anything for the village including your health life and those of your friends ok train to death and do whatever it takes to get stronger ok experiment on people… no?” I’m not trying to justify his actions but just, how is anyone surprised by how some of them turned out? I think we saw people like this among his followers, you know who were trained to kill from a young age, but when they got a taste for it and went outside the mission frame, the villages were like "huh huh no no” and they went ???? excuse me how was I supposed to cope with being made into an assassin as seven apart from convincing myself that this was all fine and fun actually? And of course the classic “I lived in a cage/I was driven from my home at 5/I was enslaved, and this guy comes around and offers a way out was I just supposed to say no?”.

(This apply to Sasuke too by the way, because had this boy been given some freaking support as a child he wouldn’t have made it his lifelong goal to kill his brother while disregarding absolutely everything else in his life and Orochimaru played him like a damn flute and someone should just have… seen this coming. Or just NOT have the entire Uchiha clan pointlessly wiped off but that’s another point entirely)

The lines of who is good and who is bad in Naruto are very foggy. Murder is not a criterion, child abuse either, so what? At some point we have to acknowledge that the characters who are "good" in Naruto are simply the ones we're told are on the good guys' side. I mean it’s a valid morality system – being good means serving your village. Whatever you do to that end is okay. It’s exactly Danzo’s mentality and it's easy to see where it comes from, it is how their world is built. It’s also how they manage to say with a straight face that Itachi was a good guy actually, and you can build a story on that, you can put it into question.

But the story doesn’t commit to this. It still tries to tell us that being mean and killing people is bad, when half of those characters are paid assassins for freak’s sake, when the good guys have an entire clan build on arbitrary slavery, when they massacred one of their own clan. Once again it started right with Zabuza, when they make the characters (and us) realize that the only thing opposing them is that they have different employers. Zabuza isn’t bad because he’s a mean guy who kills people, he’s bad because he gets in the way of their mission. Of course he conveniently works for an asshole while they work for the guy trying to lift his community from its shithole, but that’s not why they help him. They help him because he pays them to so.

Anyway, going back to the topic at hand and concluding this long-ass rant, it’s hard to infer whether Orochimaru sees them solely as pawns and expendables bodies or if he has any form of attachment to them or some to them. I found his writing to be very inconsistent and not compelling at all because it never dwells into these topics, and the narration can’t make up its mind about him. But I don't like to cast him as just a one-dimensional evil psychopath because that's… bad, y’know, and I don’t think the number of people willing to follow him should be dismissed. In many ways Orochimaru and his people him are a direct product of their world

That got out of hand really fast but. Well. You’re right. It’s sad.

#ask #askinrain #naruto #naruto meta #orochimaru #why do i spend so much brain juice on this story #when i know the story didn't #but anway #that's this on that #rambling #will i ever answer that kind of ask with some chill #probably not #tw cult #tw abuse #i guess #it's orochimaru after all #Anonymous

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bisexual-medal-alex · 4 years

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HOMESTUCK 2: WHAT IS THE POINT

So Homestuck 2 has been out for around a quarter of a year now and despite my reluctance I have been keeping up with it and reading the main updates as they’re coming out. I’ll admit that there’s things that I like such as the new kids, Davekat and Roxy. But it’s not clicking with me the original Homestuck did and there’s a lot of in story reasons (and some meta reasons too) but there’s a big fundamental flaw of this project that everything wrong about this story revolves around, at least in my eyes. I’m having a hard time understanding what the point of Homestuck 2 is.

That is to say I’m having a hard time just grasping what’s at stake and why I should feel invested in it. On the surface I have a basic comprehension of the plot; Dirk gets so high on his own ego that he basically kidnaps and brainwashes Rose so that he can give the story a villain. And also Terezi joins him for whatever reason, a bunch of good guys and a ghost from another timeline are traveling to stop them and in an alternate timeline Jane is making a fascist takeover of their home while all of this is happening. That’s the basic summary of the story without trying to untangle all of the alternate timeline bullshit that is quite honestly harder to follow than anything in the original comic.

Don’t get me wrong Homestuck Classic is dense and hard to follow if you’re not paying attention. But I do feel like it had a point or at least a narrative structure that enhanced the story. Homestuck was ultimately a story about kids playing a game and it used adventure game tropes and conventions to not only make the world more cohesive but also to comment on said tropes and conventions. All of the kids struggled to meet the expectations thrown on them by the game, they all handled it in different ways from passively accepting their lack of agency to trying to wildly rebel against their fate and even then in some weird twist it always turned out that even their rebellion was predetermined by some higher power. I feel like the point of the original Homestuck beyond just being a silly story making fun of video games was a commentary on growing up and feeling like you have no control over anything in your life. Whether or not the ending was a satisfying way to end such a ambitious narrative like that is another debate entirely but for all of its faults the original Homestuck has a purpose.

Hell I’ll even go so far as to say I understood the point of the Epilogues and what they were trying to do. It was trying to be a commentary on the metafictional implications of continuing a story past “happily ever after” using the framework of a dark fan fiction. It makes sense to do it like this, trying to build on the themes of agency and choice that the original Homestuck started and having the characters feel lost and without purpose now that the “story” is over so while they’re still trying to settle into adulthood there’s also the existential threat of ceasing to exist without a plotline. And again like the original Homestuck they’re dealing with this existential stress in different ways either trying to live peacefully and explore their own identity or trying to be as disruptive as possible in an attempt to stay relevant. It’s supposed to be a story about how happy endings don’t exist and life still continues even after you close the book.

Putting aside for a moment whether or not the Epilogues succeeded in conveying those themes well, I think Homestuck 2, being a direct continuation of the Epilogues, is trying to build on those themes. The trouble is, again just speaking personally, I don’t understand how it’s trying to do it and it just seems pointless at best and like overly indulgent naval-gazing at worst. It comes down to A. Dirk’s role as the “bad guy” and B. How disconnected the story feels.

So in the Epilogues one version of Dirk becomes so self-absorbed after tapping into his highest potential that his god-tier powers grant him that he’s able to assume control of the narrative and as a result he decides that the best way to take advantage of this new power is to give the story a point by becoming a villain himself. I can accept all of that especially knowing that of all the human kids in the original Homestuck he was the most emotionally unstable and he always seemed to be stuck in his own ego. He always had that kind of narcissistic self-loathing where he hated himself but he also saw himself as the only person who could save the day and y’know despite fans not wanting Dirk to become a self proclaimed “bad guy” I can see why he was in a position where he would look at the possibility of ceasing to exist, see it as a problem to fix himself and think that the best way to do it would be to just embrace his most toxic personality traits and step into a new villainous role to drive the “plot” forward.

With aaaaaaaaallllllllll of that being said I do not understand his plan or why he’s doing any of the things he’s doing. I don’t understand why he needed to kidnap Rose and turn her into a hollow metal husk of her former self, I don’t understand why he roped Terezi along for the ride, I don’t understand why he’s taking a spaceship out into the middle of space, I don’t understand why he wants to play Spore and create two competing races of aliens on an uninhabited planet. I can guess and hypothesize why he’s doing these things, like maybe he took Rose and manipulated her into going along with his plans just so he’d have an intellectual equal and Terezi is in the best position to stop him so convincing her to come along is a good way to ensure she can’t help the heroes and frankly the whole alien thing coupled with the brief re-opening of the suggestion box feels like he’s trying to relive the glory days of Sburb like a middle aged dad trying to live vicariously through his son making him join the sports club even though he might not have any interest in doing so.

But I don’t understand the core drive behind any of these things and it feels like a hollow attempt to keep the story going even though it feels like everyone involved has already moved on. Maybe that is the point and I’m drastically overthinking Dirk’s role as a villain, he’s just doing all of this because he’s bored and doesn’t know how to continue the story in any meaningful way. It still makes the story feel hollow and it’s Hussie trying to be tongue-in-cheek about the fact that he wants to keep writing Homestuck but he doesn’t have any ideas on what to do with it.

Which is pretty obvious when you look at the B plot involving Jane becoming a fascist and having to deal with an uprising against her rule over Earth C. Hussie really wrote himself into a corner with the Epilogues focusing on two timelines; it might seem like an arbitrary choice to have a story where literary infinite possibilities coexist but then only focus on two of said possibilities but it did work in context of the Epilogues because it showed how profoundly your life can change just from making one choice over the other and it worked with the meta-narrative about stories and the theme of whether or not the characters have control over their lives now that they’re free from the “story”. But now the writers have to deal with the fallout of that decision and manage not only the plot with Dirk dicking around in space and a bunch of the characters coming to stop him, now they have to deal with the story of Jane holding onto her empire in TWO different timelines (well only if you’re paying for it but we’ll get to that).

I know Homestuck is famous for juggling multiple plot lines at once but the thing about that is that all of those plot lines were important for the overall story and that’s not the vibe I get here. It’s honestly not that interesting and feels like a distraction from what the story should be about. Nobody in this side of the story except maybe original flavor Vriska is aware of what’s going on in the other side of the story and the stakes are much less personal. I care more about Dave, Karkat, Roxy, Kanaya and Calliope/Jade trying to rescuer Rose and stop Dirk than I do Vriska dragging Gamzee’s corpse with a bunch of teenagers while Jane gets turned into a Donald Trump analogue.

And like honestly the fact that there’s updates hidden behind a paywall really bugs me. I understand that with the nature of crowdfunding you need some substantial incentives to get people to donate, I’m not shitting on crowdfunding as a way to fund your story and truthfully I don’t see anything wrong with having some bonus content exclusive to those who are willing to pay a little extra (trying my best not to sound like an EA or Activision executive here). But with a story like Homestuck, where the reader has been conditioned into seeing every update with every innocuous detail as something important that will later advance the story, having some updates be exclusive to backers feels wrong because you’re either saying that said updates aren’t going to impact the story so they’re just pointless fluff or you’re keeping critical story details hidden from people that can’t afford it so they’re missing out and really neither of those possibilities are a good look for your story.

And really the fact that Homestuck 2 used the Epilogues as it’s foundation is not a good idea because that’s a really rocky foundation. I know I spent a good chunk of this essay actually defending the Epilogues and their themes in a way but just because I think a story has some hidden depth like that doesn’t mean I think it’s good. It’s still needlessly grim with a lot of poorly handled character development the excuse from the creators of this being just a possible canon outcome for the series feels like a cop-out since this may as well be the main canon since nothing else for the series featuring these characters is advancing their story (unless you count Pesterquest which to be blunt feels like an extended apology for the Epilogues). Truthfully I don’t know if the Epilogues or HS2 have anything more profound to say about continuing a story past the happy ending than Into The Woods or a straight-to-DVD Disney sequel (not that I’m comparing an award-winning Broadway play to a Disney sequel in terms of quality I’m just saying I get more enjoyment and intellectual stimulation from the meta-narrative of Lion King 1 1/2 than Homestuck at this point).

Maybe I’m being too harsh to judge Homestuck 2 when it seems to have only barely just gotten started. It’s going to continue whether or not I enjoy it or not and maybe over time it will validate itself. But right now to me personally it just feels like a hollow imitation of what we used to enjoy about Homestuck.

#homestuck #homestuck 2 #homestuck 2 beyond canon #upd8 #randomguywords

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commentaryvorg · 4 years

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Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 6.10

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in trial 6, everything became terrible in a hopefully-mostly-deliberate way as Keebo took over as protagonist. Tsumugi pandered to the audience by trying to twist the story to be all about them and not this story’s actual goddamn cast, then completely forgot about that moments later as she forced an arbitrarily cruel final vote on the students that has nothing to do with actual hope and despair, apparently Kaito’s efforts in trial 5 suddenly mean nothing because it turns out the audience is totally okay with unfair executions after the mastermind broke the rules, and Keebo kept spouting a familiar meaningless buzzwordy hope that didn’t address any of his friends’ actual reasons for being in despair, which the audience lapped up because they’re morons while Keebo utterly failed to consider that maybe what they want from him isn’t actually a good thing.

Keebo’s already chosen to become the first arbitrary pointless sacrifice of the vote, and the Mass Panic Debate we just finished was supposedly him trying to inspire one of the others to do the same, even though he wasn’t even shooting his hope at them.

“Nekomaru”: “Even if you won’t give up, as long as you don’t sacrifice someone el—”

Not giving up is the definition of hope! Doing anything other than that should not be necessary for hope to “win”, you arbitrary fucking murderer!

But one way or another, whether due to Keebo’s nonsensical Hope Bullet efforts or not (I’d very much like to think not), Maki chooses to sacrifice herself.

Maki: “If Keebo and I sacrifice ourselves… then Shuichi and Himiko live, right? Then they can… survive this absurd killing game…”

Of course it would be her. Her backstory meant that she’d never cared all that much about her own survival or her own suffering, so if she can die to let at least Shuichi and Himiko live, then that’s no real loss, right? Kaito only helped so much with her sense of self-worth… and maybe his influence has been dampened right now because of all the bullshit Tsumugi has been spouting.

Shuichi: “Maki…?”

There’s a very subtle wavering to Shuichi’s voice here beneath his surprise. He can’t bear the thought of losing her too, and it’s this pain that’s going to lead to him figuring everything out and fighting back.

Maki: “I don’t want this killing game to end with despair. That would just… piss me off.”

Tsumugi: “Even if you only feel that way cuz I wrote you like that? Just like with Kaito…”

Tsumugi’s still bullshitting about the Kaito part, but otherwise what she’s saying is not entirely wrong. Despair being bad is self-evident and you don’t need to be written a specific way to think that. But the feeling of needing to “defeat” despair is something that’s still a part of Maki being manipulated, not by the way she was originally written, but by that Flashback Light in chapter 5. Maki still can’t quite see that to its fullest extent, despite having long since realised that the main point of that Flashback Light was to manipulate her into killing Kokichi.

Maki: “Even then… I’ll choose that ending if it means I can kill you. Even if I have to sacrifice my life, I will kill you!”

Now that’s something that’s how Maki’s always been written. Deal with problems that have no easy solution by killing them, and definitely kill the big evil mastermind no matter what you have to sacrifice to do so. Maki Roll, can’t you see that this is exactly like what you were trying to do for the first half of Kaito’s trial?

This would at least be Tsumugi’s writing backfiring on her, if this “punishment” she was going to receive was actually death. But since it’s not, she’s quite happy with Maki choosing this, and guh.

“Makiiii”

“my darling assassin T_T”

“That’s my Maki.”

“Assassiiiiin”

Maki has fans. Her fans seem somewhat possessive of her (although at least she doesn’t have the total sicko that Shuichi has). It also seems that some of them are hung up on the idea that she’s an assassin and don’t see her as so much more than that, as if the only reason they like her is a shallow “hurr durr schoolgirl assassin hot”, rather than any of the many things that have been compelling and interesting about her character and her arc. She deserves so much better than this.

“ALL OF THESE TEARS”

“;_; i’m gonna cry…”

At least a few of them are actually having meaningful, human reactions to this – a character they love is going to sacrifice herself for her friends! This is sad! …or, well, it would be if the sacrifice was at all meaningful and not completely arbitrary, but, you know.

“Another hope loop?”

This might finally be a vague allusion to other seasons we haven’t seen. I can kind of imagine a “hope loop” becoming the fandom term for one particular way in which the meaningless arbitrary hope ending was once resolved, but it doesn’t sound like it’s referring to DR1 or 2 specifically.

“Shuichi looks yummy <3”

I’m going to keep giving you updates on this one person just so you can keep seeing how much of an absolute creep they are.

Tsumugi: “I told you over and over there’s nothing for you out there.”

Keebo: “No, once the audience sees this ending, I’m sure they’ll help us.”

Oh, poor naïve Keebo, thinking that the audience is a force for good and actually gives a fuck about any of his friends when they’ve been watching them die. When they’ve been doing this for fifty-three seasons and keep wanting more. This ending right now is not meaningfully different from any of the previous ones and is not going to change anything about the audience’s behaviour at all, Keebo.

Shuichi: “It’s because of hope that this whole thing is happening!”

But Shuichi gets it! He’s figured it out! I also love the emotion in his voice here. All of Shuichi’s (English) voice acting in this last part of the trial we’re entering is just fantastic.

The music used for Shuichi’s Rebuttal Showdown here is Clair de Lune again, which is lovely. It’s like that’s become less Kaede’s song and more just a song for Shuichi’s sadness over losing his friends.

It’s a neat twist that the last Rebuttal Showdown is against the game’s actual protagonist. This is possibly the easiest one in the whole game, with Shuichi’s words coming in completely horizontal, unmoving lines. He’s just explaining the plain truth of the matter. He’s not wrong and he’s not trying to get in anyone’s way; he’s about to fix this whole ridiculous mess.

Keebo: (Shuichi… why? Is this the power of despair? Or…)

Yes, Keebo, despair is clearly so powerful and so evil that it dares to make Shuichi not talk like hope is the best thing ever. It couldn’t possibly be that Shuichi’s actually making complete sense and isn’t in despair any more and you should listen to him.

Buuut, Keebo’s only bullet (or, well, blade) is still just “hope”, so he still thinks that’s the only possible solution to this situation.

Keebo: “Despair takes everything from people! Even their strength to press onward! That’s why it’s not possible for despair to be better!”

Keebo, you absolute moron, this isn’t about which one is better! Obviously Shuichi knows that hope is a better feeling to have than despair, because he’s not an idiot! But no matter what Tsumugi’s trying to make it sound like, this isn’t about proving any kind of point like it was in DR1; this is about what happens next. This is about whether the outcome of the vote, regardless of which meaningless label is slapped on it, is something we’re actually okay with, including the fact that the killing game will keep happening if we do this.

“Shuichi is the cycle of despair?”

“What are you saying, hat boy?”

“What if Shuichi is the mastermind?”

“You’re slipping up, detective.”

“Fire, Keebo! I’ll allow it!”

Aaaaaand the audience has suddenly completely stopped caring about Shuichi as a character because he dared to say a bad word about hope. This is again not remotely what an actual reasonable, human audience that’s been enjoying this story up until now would ever do, and this time it can’t just be the cherry-picked minority of despair lovers, because this is the people who are rooting for “hope”. A reaction something like “well, he’s kind of got a point, but I still want more killing games…” would be reasonable, but not just immediately denouncing him the moment he questions them. Did they not even care about Shuichi at all during the five chapters they’ve seen of him and the arc he’s had?

Shuichi: “The people watching probably feel the same way… They want hope, too.”

Oh, Shuichi, you are giving them far too much credit. You’re assuming that the “hope” they’re obsessed with is actual hope that will inspire them in their daily lives. It sure would be realistic and understandable and relatable if that was the actual way the narrative was portraying this, but it really isn’t.

Shuichi: “Even if it’s fiction, everyone wants to feel hope… It gives them… courage.”

That should be how this works. And I love that Shuichi clearly understands this on a personal level. Now would be a very relevant time to remind everyone that Shuichi’s Likes in the report card are listed as “Novels”. Which means that, most likely, he always used fiction to give himself courage, especially when he had so little courage on his own in the first place! Shuichi understands better than any of these one-dimensional morons in the audience exactly what gaining real hope from fiction really feels like!

Shuichi: “While they ignore all the tragedies that we had to suffer to get there!”

Keebo: “Shuichi, that’s—”

Monokuma: “Then let’s start the Voting Time!”

Hah, Monokuma sure does jump in quick. He’s afraid of Shuichi pointing out what’s really going on here and how real all their suffering is and making the audience realise that maybe they shouldn’t actually want this after all, isn’t he.

Shuichi halts them to ask what the “punishment” for this vote will be, because he’s already figured out what it is. If we’d been playing as him, we’d have seen plenty of inner monologue of him slowly realising this and piecing it together as Tsumugi rambled on and on. But since we’re not seeing inside his head right now, all Keebo has seen is Shuichi being almost completely quiet and then suddenly jumping in with a fully-formed theory explaining exactly what’s going on and why this vote is bad. Shuichi really does look like a hero from the outside.

Shuichi: “That’s what Rantaro was talking about.”

…

Rantaro: “You wanted this killing game, so you have to win no matter what. …No matter what.”

…

Shuichi: “Something similar must have happened in the last killing game, and he was given a choice. He sacrificed himself… and was forced to participate again.”

See, Rantaro wasn’t the only survivor of his killing game. There were two actual survivors who got to escape into the outside world just like Shuichi and Himiko hypothetically would here. Rantaro just sacrificed himself to allow for that. (In my headcanon, those two survivors were both girls and kind of reminded Rantaro of his sisters and that’s why he chose to do that.) It’s still a stretch to think that Rantaro would ever have thought of that as “wanting” this killing game like his message said, though, so I still think that line was mostly there just to make chapter 4’s opening stinger mysterious.

But man, spare a thought for Rantaro’s two friends who survived and escaped, dreading to watch Rantaro go through this again while having forgotten about them, but watching anyway because they have to know what happens to him… and then seeing him be the very first one to die. That has to have been awful. I hope that when Shuichi, Maki and Himiko do escape, they find those two and every other pair of survivors from each past killing game and start some kind of big therapy group to deal with their trauma together and share stories of their lost friends and reassure themselves that they’re all still real.

Shuichi: “Tsumugi will still be the mastermind, Keebo will still represent the viewers… and Maki will be the new Ultimate Survivor. The killing game will begin again.”

Even if Maki wouldn’t necessarily die in this outcome, the fact that she’d lose her memories of everything in this killing game and forget about Kaito and Shuichi and be reset back to the guarded, lonely, self-loathing assassin she was at the beginning would still be awful and unacceptable. Especially since Kaito was one-in-a-million and the next game probably wouldn’t have anyone willing to help her out of it again.

It’s a little odd to think that Tsumugi would still be the mastermind? I always assumed Tsumugi wasn’t the mastermind of Rantaro’s game, simply because if she then also masterminded this game as well, it’d ruin the mystery for the audience. Unless she usually cosplays as some made-up character and this is the first time she’s ever played as herself (or at least someone who looks like herself and superficially shares her nerdiness but is less terrible and murdery).

“Izuru”: “Then it’s despair? You’re going to choose despair to end the killing game? …How boring.”

“Celeste”: “But this is fine. Our audience loves despair, so this will please them too.”

Will it? I mean, maybe it would if it were actual despair, since there’s emotional investment you can get from that even if it’s nothing but painful emotions. But what’s actually going to happen with the “despair” outcome of this vote is simply Shuichi, Maki and Himiko (and apparently Tsumugi) continuing to live isolated, boring lives in the academy without any more killings. That’s not a despair ending, that’s a boredom ending. Precisely the kind of thing the audience shouldn’t want.

Keebo: “Then… hope has to win this game, too. If we continue to win for hope, then this killing game will surely end someday!”

Keebo, dude. You’re going to continue doing the thing that Shuichi has just explained is exactly what causes more killing games to happen… and then you’re just going to hope that eventually they’ll stop happening anyway? You are not being very smart right now. If you’re going to hope for something to happen, you should also at least act in a way that might help make it come true, otherwise your hope is useless.

Shuichi: “When Maki said she was going to sacrifice herself just now, I thought… Why? So many of our friends have sacrificed their lives. Why Maki? Why now? Why do we have to go through it again…? The sorrow of losing Kaede… and Kaito… Why do we have to feel that sadness over and over and over again…? Why do we have to bear that burden…?”

I love Shuichi here so much. I love that he’s realised what this means and that it’s cruel and unfair and wrong.

Shuichi: “Well, I don’t care how much the audience wants it, I’m not gonna feel that way anymore! I don’t want anyone to feel that way anymore!”

I love that he’s realised that the audience wants this from him and how fucked-up that is! I love that he’s thinking that not just for himself, but for every hypothetical character in future seasons who’d ever have to go through this same pain if they don’t end this right here!

I just… really wish that that actually seemed like what the in-universe audience wanted at all. Some people were sad when Maki offered to sacrifice herself, but not a single person was thinking “oh man Shuichi’s going to be devastated to lose another best friend” and empathising with the pain Shuichi’s feeling here and enjoying doing so in that immersed, in-story way. Instead, they just immediately stopped seeing him as a person the moment he spoke out against them and their precious “hope”.

The thing is, I’m still enjoying Shuichi’s emotional pain here! Of course I am! Because I care about him and I’m empathising with him, and all of this is making me want him to succeed and get what he wants and never have to feel like this any more, even as I’m enjoying that he’s feeling this way right now.

And, see, while the in-universe audience are obviously inherently more twisted than an out-universe audience because the people they’re watching aren’t really fictional and they know this, that doesn’t have to automatically make them this kind of one-dimensional asshole who can’t even empathise with the characters or engage with this like it’s a meaningful story at all. Things could still have been made to work while having them basically respond to Shuichi and his story like those of us on the other side of the real fourth wall.

Enjoying actual genuine fiction requires suspension of disbelief, compartmentalising away and ignoring the knowledge that it’s all made-up, so that you can get invested and care about what happens. So in a similar way, it might be just about believable if we could be shown that this in-universe audience has instead been suspending their knowledge that it’s real, compartmentalising away and trying to ignore the fact that real people are suffering, so that they can still enjoy this and keep watching despite knowing that people – uhhh, characters, definitely not real people – are going to die. Then they could have been reacting to this approximately like a real person watching genuine fiction would (you know, with actual investment in and empathy for the characters), until Shuichi blows the lid off their wilful ignorance right here and forces them to confront their awfulness.

Shuichi: “Even if this is fiction, even if we’re all fictional… The pain in my heart is real! The sadness I feel when I lose the people I love is real!”

I am so, so glad that he’s realised this! This is one of my favourite moments in this trial and completely restored all the faith first-time-me had lost during all the ridiculousness of last post. This is exactly what we need to be talking about and really should never have stopped talking about – the fact that of course they’re still real people regardless of how fake their memories were. They still really felt all that pain, and they still really meant everything they did for their friends, and they still really died, regardless of the “writers” that were sometimes pulling strings behind the scenes.

And I adore the way Shuichi calls them “the people I love”. He’s not talking about specifically romantic love here, because he doesn’t have to be. Of course he loved them anyway regardless of what kind of love it was; they were his friends and they gave him all of his strength and meant everything to him. If anyone tries to use this line as proof that Shuichi must have had romantic feelings for Kaito as well, they’re completely missing the point. Using the word “love” in a platonic sense will always melt my heart and it’s especially so in this context here.

Although, while Shuichi is using this pain of his to prove to himself that he’s still meaningfully real, I do wish there was a little bit of time spent on the realisation that, since they all must have felt the same way as him, his friends must have been real, too. Being deceived into thinking they were just lies was what caused Shuichi to fall into despair, and there’s no way he’d have been able to climb out of that despair and talk so passionately about losing his friends if he didn’t truly believe once again that their lives were worth exactly as much as a “real” person’s. He has definitely figured this out by now, but it’s kind of a shame he never directly mentions it.

Shuichi: “I won’t forgive this game that treats us like toys. And if this is what the world wants… then I reject that world! I’ll fight the world that inflicts suffering for entertainment!”

Shuichi is being such a hero and Kaede and Kaito would be so proud to see him like this!

And it’s still inconceivable that seeing him like this isn’t what the audience wants. This is a far more inspiring and meaningful story than any of the nonsense Keebo has been spouting. They should be cheering Shuichi on, not Keebo – even if that means cheering Shuichi on against themselves.

“What are you saying, detective?”

“Forget about Shuichi.”

But nope. The audience doesn’t care about him. Now that he’s speaking out against them, they’d rather just drop him entirely.

“You’re in despair, right?”

“It’s okay to feel despair sometimes…”

Yes, clearly the only reason Shuichi is saying this is because he’s being controlled by that super-evil force known as “despair”, not because he’s right.

“C’mon, Keebo! Attack!”

“hurry up and refute it!”

“Force hope through!”

And of course, they just want Keebo to yell more words about hope at Shuichi, because doing that will totally change his mind and make him think inflicting suffering for entertainment is okay. Yelling emptily about hope can achieve anything, right?

“The big reveal, at last.”

Uhh, no? What does this person even think the “reveal” is supposed to be – the fact that these characters aren’t actually fictional and that watching them suffer for entertainment is fucked up? That’s not a reveal, that’s something that should have been apparent from the start but everyone has been wilfully ignoring. (And it’s something that everyone should now be forced to confront whether they like it or not, but apparently almost nobody is.)

“mmm… shuichi’s eyes ^q^”

This “fan” of Shuichi’s is still here. And they still don’t actually give a fuck about him and haven’t been paying attention to anything he’s been saying or feeling at all.

“Why have we been doing this…?”

You! You, right there, are the one sensible actual human being in this whole stupid audience! This is what everyone should be thinking right now – realising that Shuichi has a goddamn point and that this whole practice is vile and that if they actually care about any of these characters at all then they should want what Shuichi wants, which is to end all this and never have another killing game again!

“something’s different, right?”

“Are they blaming us?”

These ones are more ambiguous, but it is possible that these two people are also vaguely starting to realise that what they’re doing is not okay. Maybe.

Tsumugi: “It doesn’t matter what you do. No matter what a fictional character does or says, it’s just fiction to the outside world.”

See… based on the audience’s current comments, it’s really seeming like this is actually true, in this world. Those three just now are the only comments during this part that give any sense of people actually listening to Shuichi’s words. The overwhelming majority are like the ones I quoted at the beginning, complaining about Shuichi’s outlook and wanting Keebo to “fix” things for them.

Shuichi: “I… refuse to vote.”

Tsumugi: “Refuse to vote…?”

Keebo: “Monokuma said that if we don’t vote, we’ll be killed for breaking the rules!”

Shuichi: “Yes, I know. That’s why I’m doing it.”

And here’s this rule which has been vaguely a thing in the background of all the Danganronpas but was pointedly highlighted at the beginning of almost every trial in this one, making it kind of obvious it’d somehow be important later on. It’s also quite relevant that Monokuma’s declarations of this rule always explicitly said that not voting would result in death, not just “punishment”, because it means Tsumugi can’t suddenly pull a loophole and pretend this still just means they get forced into another killing game.

(Although that’s only assuming that the audience still cares about her following the rules, which, ha fucking ha.)

Shuichi: “If this ends without a single vote being cast for hope or despair… The audience would hate it. They’d never accept an ending like that… So I abstain! I refuse to give the outside world the ending it wants!”

I appreciate Shuichi’s determination and willingness to give his life to end this killing game for good and give a huge fuck-you to the audience… but honestly, it’s kind of flimsy that this would actually achieve that. It’s hard to believe that, over fifty-three seasons, there haven’t been a few kind-of-disappointing endings here and there (even accepting that this audience laps up meaningless buzzwordy hope-versus-despair nonsense like this). But surely the occasional boring ending would only make people shrug and hope the next season is better, and it’d take several in a row for them to finally think things will never get better and the show might as well just end.

Which, to be fair, might have been happening already if this season took longer than usual to come out and some people weren’t sure it ever would. But that apparent fact was buried in some obscure audience comments and wasn’t something Shuichi seemed to notice, so he shouldn’t be nearly so sure that this would work.

Plus, it shouldn’t only be about the ending – the rest of the story is a part of the story too. The other trials in this game have mostly been fantastic and there should be no way the audience wouldn’t want more of that kind of thing, no matter how disappointingly it ends!

…This should also still not actually be a disappointing ending at all, because look at what an amazing hero Shuichi’s managing to be! He’s willing to give his life to stop the real villain behind all this – not some meaningless concept of “despair”, but the people who actually wanted him and his friends to suffer! This is still something that it should be possible for the audience to accept makes a good story, despite the fact that they themselves are the villains in it.

Keebo: (Hope… won’t end the killing game? If that’s true, then this feeling that I must win for hope is…)

Geez, Keebo, glad you’ve finally caught up with us. It really should not have taken you this long.

It’s pretty neat that the “lying” mechanic as used here with Keebo isn’t actually lying – hope is just a concept, it’s not even a fact that you can lie about. Instead, it’s representing Keebo finally choosing to ignore and go against what his inner voice is telling him to do. The only weapon he has is hope, but that doesn’t mean this is the only choice he has.

“What are you doing, Keebo?”

“Hurry up and side with hope.”

“COME BACK HOOOPE”

“it’s hope again, right?”

And of course, the majority of the audience is not happy about this. Really, though, Shuichi has already ruined their hope ending by pointing out that this “hope” is arbitrary and cruel, and no amount of empty yelling about hope from Keebo could change that now even if he did keep listening to them.

“show us maki roll!”

This single comment here is the closest anyone in the audience ever gets to even vaguely acknowledging Kaito’s existence, since they’re using the nickname he gave her. And the utter lack any other mention of Kaito from the audience is quite clearly another thing that is completely Unrealistic and Wrong. Kaito was the best, and a significant amount of the audience should have been invested enough in his story and his influence on Shuichi and Maki to still be occasionally mentioning him here.

“i wanna break Shuichi’s fingers <3”

I sincerely hope that when Shuichi gets out of here, he ends up absolutely nowhere near this person and they never figure out where he’s living. Geez. Go and re-examine your life, you sick creep.

Keebo: “I may be a robot, but the thought of my friends dying still fills me with sadness. I don’t want anyone else to feel this way!”

You know, if they’d actually done anything at all with Keebo’s issues about being a robot, it could have worked pretty well in this trial. He’s always been struggling to fully understand the feelings of “real” humans, and so he should have also struggled to justify to himself that his own feelings matter even though they’re just being “simulated” by computer software. But he still feels it, so it still matters, robot or not. That’s exactly the kind of argument Shuichi had to make to himself to justify that he’s still real. Keebo could have been the perfect person (among those still with us) to help Shuichi and friends come to terms with the existential issues that this trial has given them! If only Keebo had had an actual proper character arc about accepting himself as just as much of a person despite being a robot, and also if only he’d ever been trying to give his friends actual hope during this whole deal. His character has so much wasted potential.

His protagonist status wears off here, which is an appropriate moment for it to do so. All he was ever meant to do as the audience’s protagonist was to keep the cycle going and keep more killing games happening, and now that he realises that, he doesn’t want to be their protagonist any more.

“gonna dismantle you, Keebo.”

Oh boy, here’s some foreshadowing to what they actually end up doing, because apparently none of them ever really cared about Keebo as a character or a person.

“WTF? You already killed each other?”

As if the fact that the murderers were all participants of the game makes everyone in the game a bad person and therefore it doesn’t matter if they suffer and die? As if most of the actual murderers were even bad people and not good people desperately trying to save everyone and/or being manipulated into it? Yeah, no, sure, this was all just a meaningless slaughterfest and so it’s totally okay for them to all continue to die.

“the questionnaires were pointless?”

I mean, it’s not like you guys ever affected Keebo’s actions in any meaningful way up until now anyway; I don’t know why you’re so disappointed.

“Shuichi has a point.”

Hello, sensible person! I don’t know if this is the same person as that one from before, but it’s nice to see at least a tiny, tiny fraction of the audience getting it. It really is such a tiny fraction, though – the vast majority of people are still just complaining about not getting what they wanted. And I’d like to just put this down to the fact that the people who are realising this are also nice enough to then stop watching and stay out of the comments section – but, no. The comments section is exactly where these people who’ve realised this should be, because they should be trying to persuade everyone else to agree with them and realise that this is fucked up and no longer want this!

Shuichi: “New characters are created just to show the outside world a fictional hope. They get written into these killing games, forced to betray one another…”

I appreciate how Shuichi is describing them as being “created”, because it proves that he now understands that this is exactly what happens. This has nothing to do with the pregame assholes who auditioned and wanted this; they just donated their bodies. The characters who are actually in this killing game never wanted any of this, yet they were literally created to suffer. That is not fucking okay and Shuichi will not let it continue. No-one else will ever be created for that purpose. He and his friends are the last.

Shuichi: “To end this killing game, and end it forever… We will reject Danganronpa!”

This whole speech here accompanies Shuichi’s protagonist status switching back on, and it has pretty nice dramatic effect. He’s being a hero!

Shuichi: “Tsumugi… you were right. I’m weak. I’m weaker than anyone else… If I didn’t have my friends, I’d be useless. That’s true even now!”

It’s lovely that Shuichi is okay with this. He realises that this is the character Tsumugi wrote him to be… but that doesn’t mean that it’s not still who he is, and it doesn’t mean he’s not real.

But he’s still not giving himself enough credit at all. Yes, he’s only able to be strong when he has friends to rely on and inspire him, but all that potential strength is still right there inside him, ready to be brought out by the right people! All he needs is a little nudge in the right direction, from the right kind of heroes.

Shuichi: “If Keebo and Maki didn’t stand up… I would have ended it all right then.”

It’s really sad to think what Shuichi probably means when he says “end it all”. Kind of like the way he once said that Kaito “saved his life”, without ever properly elaborating on what he meant by that.

But still, Shuichi – Keebo and Maki may have chosen to sacrifice themselves, but you’re the one who used the pain of that to realise that you’re still real and figure out what everything meant. They weren’t trying to encourage you to do that, or even to be strong at all, when they made their choice. That all came from you, and from your own strength that you’ve built up through Kaede and Kaito’s belief in you. You’re not as weak as you were at the beginning, not by a long shot!

Shuichi: “But it’s because I’m weak and because I lost my way… that I finally realized. I finally realised how cruel this “hope” really is.”

It’s cruel because the best way to write a good story is to have characters that are weak and suffer like Shuichi has been. The most inspiring type of heroes who give people the most hope aren’t the ones who are perfect and invincible, but the ones who struggle and suffer and yet still manage to win in the end. Shuichi has realised, because of his own suffering and the fact that he’s managed to claw his way through it anyway, that this is the kind of thing the audience should want to see, because it gives them the hope that they can overcome their weaknesses and struggles in the same way. A storyline like Shuichi’s should be exactly what the audience wants and exactly why this has happened so many times to so many real people who didn’t deserve to suffer for this.

I say “should be”, because this isn’t even remotely what the in-universe audience actually wants to see at all. It’s honestly bizarre how obvious the divide is between what Shuichi is describing as a genuinely inspiring engaging fiction that should be the reason the audience keeps wanting this, and the one-dimensional idiocy that this nonsensical audience apparently wants instead. If the out-universe writers are able to write Shuichi talking about the audience wanting this kind of story, they should also be perfectly capable of writing the audience actually wanting it! This shouldn’t be difficult.

---

[Next post]

#danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #ndrv3 #chapter 6 #class trial #commentary

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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I'm almost 21 and I'm having a hard time, my mom keeps yelling at me and getting really angry bc of how I dress, in like to shirts and jeans and hoodies and stuff bc she thinks I need to dress like an adult, but idek how to do that for my age, and everything I like I look bad in bc I'm kinda fat, I'm trying to lose weight so I don't even want to invest in things that won't fit me for long anyway, and she just makes me feel so bad about myself, the only things I feel comfy in are oversized stuff

hey hmm your mum is a dick and idk why she's trying to push such pointless and arbitrary standards onto you lmfao sounds like a her problem.....also i feel like she's just out of touch bc like. in my experience a lot of people in our age bracket wear hoodies and casual comfortable clothing so..... it's a matter of differing opinions but. the thing is yours is the right one bc it's your body. end of conversation. you have every right to process hurt and a bit of resentment due to her attitude, but try not to frame her words as if they're truly a reflection of you. i know that's hard when you don't have a lot of confidence, but when it comes to something like this your own opinion is literally the only one that matters. i genuinely believe that you have to disappoint your parents at some point in order to progress in your own life, we all do, for both small scale and big scale issues. it's about gaining autonomy and doing your own thing, divorced of what they think. like i said, it's natural to be hurt. if you need to cry or vent or write about it, then i would encourage that. but at the end of the day she can't control what you're comfortable with, she literally does not have a say in it. and even if it takes her forever to realise that, you are allowed to consistently enforce that boundary.

and i totally relate to wearing certain clothes out of insecurity. i haven't worn short sleeves in literal years. it seems like you have very deeply rooted issues with your self image, and i really hope you choose to work on that whether it's through therapy or making small changes in your own life. because it really saddens me to hear that you basically don't think you're worthy of wearing certain clothes if you're not at a certain weight. that's ....a very common feeling esp among women but it's not the truth. there's no rule book at all when it comes to fashion and finding what works for you, what makes you feel really good. you think it looks bad because you've disliked your body for so long that can't even comprehend that your view of yourself is biased and inaccurate. due to the way you've been conditioned when it comes to weight, worth and beauty. so much of if is a lie. if you feel nice in a certain outfit, you'll look nice. identifying your style and nurturing the confidence to try new things may be a long, complicated progress that will become easier with age/a sense of identity, but it's very possible to get to that point, love. you really don't need to police your body like that. and i get why you do, i mean i do too. but hopefully at some point the thought of wearing something out of your comfort zone feels normal, maybe a bit exciting or fun. but if you want to continue wearing hoodies for your own peace of mind that is absolutely fine. again, there's no rules. it's just about doing what's right for you, in both the context of clothing and your confidence level. i know it's hard angel, really hard. and im sorry you were made to feel guilty over your own lifestyle. you deserve so much better and im rooting for you from my corner of the world. i think a lot of ppl know where you're coming from. if you need a friend or if you want to talk more about it, just let me know. sending peace to you 💘💘

#anon

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neoneidolon · 4 years

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one year - 1/ 2/20

It’s been a year since I started this blog!

Most of you probably know that this blog holds the OC continuation of the story I started as a canon character on cubicscubedemon. The history hasn’t changed; Morpho uses what used to be their nickname back on the old blog, and they reference things that happened back when they were Amorphous Shape, so they are definitely still the same person, but they were such a tiny presence in their old canon that I feel comfortable calling them my OC now.

So! We’re basically in the epilogue, I think! After a series of huge pushes, they left their Boss and started a new life in hiding. They had a run-in with their homeworld, picked up a sibling by accident, reconnected with an old friend, made some new ones. The nature of their relationships is different now. They’ve come a long way. So what now?

Well, first of all I want to say I’m not planning on quitting yet. There are still things I want to do, or at least lay down the groundwork for happening later in the unwritten bits of Morpho’s life. Because I know how their story is going to end. I probably won’t write it here, because that’s at least a few decades in the future we��re talking about and this blog operates on sorta kinda real-ish time, but it’s a nice bittersweet ending I keep in mind. It was never going to end the way Morph *wants*, but they’ll be happy regardless, I promise.

More Things That Have Happened:

-- they started living on Earth! exactly what the version of me who ran the old blog swore up and down would never happen in the default “verse”/timeline. Past me is eating their words right now

-- on a semi-related note, wow, this blog has been running for a year and still hasn’t gained any alternate verse tags? that’s kind of impressive

-- so now when I read through the old blog archive it’s going to be an organization nightmare figuring out if the version of Morpho in a given post is the same one as in this blog or not

-- I straight up forgot that Morpho already knew their timeline’s version of their Boss was dead. In the kidnapping event, Bill told them that and they reacted like it was new information. It wasn’t. I’m just an idiot who doesn’t read the archive enough.

-- Morpho is now: 10-20% more honest! 40% more emotionally open! 4% more humble! 80% deeper into their destiny as the local eldritch witchy grandma/eccentric uncle who has seven dozen other dimensions on speed-dial!

-- they’re still working on letting go of their need to be the “better version” of their ex-Boss, but what happened in Hyperspaceland went a long, long way in proving to them that the Multiverse can have wildly unlikely good things happen in it, and that they can make a positive difference without having to do it the way they had impressed upon them for years.

-- plus, they now have friends and acquaintances who are “weird” like them, who have managed to make good lives for themselves without having to be subject to dimensional power struggles and other unwanted cosmic nonsense. They didn’t think being able to “retire”/live quietly was really possible for people like themself, so seeing otherwise is really good for them. They don’t think directly about this, though, it’s subconscious.

-- but they still have a long way to go and a lot of deep-seated issues to unravel, and now they have to raise their time-clone twin sibling and pray they don’t mess the kid up.

Things I’d Like to Happen, Either Written Here or Not:

-- Morph letting go of their instinct to manipulate situations to their favor, and also their tendency to make things more difficult by lying

-- Morpho letting go of the assumption that most people have ulterior motives, even if their history demonstrates that they have a good reason to believe that

-- Beta growing up, working out how they are and are not Morpho, simultaneously

-- Morpho reaching a point where they can be trusted to not (usually) try using people for their own personal gain, so they can finally go back to their real calling (teaching) properly this time

I worry a lot about whether I keep things consistent here, if Morpho’s still the same person they were two years ago or one year ago. They seem happier, anyway. I don’t think they would be as happy if I was just shearing off unpalatable parts of them out of misplaced fear. At the same time, they are always going to be a little bit awful!

And what about Beta? I keep saying we’re near the end, but just as Morpho’s coming in on the close of their development, Beta’s is just beginning, under totally different circumstances as her elder twin. Life as the soul of a magical alien spirit thing, in the body of an earthly creature, isn’t going to be easy for her. If I wanted, I could lean all the focus on her and get a whole new narrative out of it.

That brings me to something else I wanted to talk about. So if you’ve followed me for a while, you know this about me: for better or for worse, I always have a narrative arc in mind. There are good things and bad things about that approach, and it’s pretty easy to screw up, especially where other people are involved. And the problem with characters who develop is that it is totally possible to develop them too much, to extend their story so far that they become somebody who doesn’t resemble who they were originally. I’m worried about this happening with Morph. I’m also worried about this blog just becoming an endless series of me coming up with some arbitrary new conflict or danger or drama every time I get bored of describing their mundane life. I don’t want to bore anyone. (I know, the wisdom is to RP for yourself and your own fun, but it still involves other people and also, I need to entertain, otherwise what is the point of my story?)

This blog is... might end before this time this year. I say might, it’s not that I don’t enjoy anymore and want to quit. After that? I don’t know. Starting an art blog on Tumblr feels kind of pointless now since the platform is dying, and RP is one of the major reasons I stick around since I don’t really use my personal blog much anymore. If I don’t write here, I feel like I’m going to slip away from a lot of friends. I don’t want to lose you all. I could start a new muse, Beta or someone else, but...

I want to do something different, too.

And that brings me to the last (I think) thing, which is what form Morpho’s story might take next. Because if I DO end this blog before the beginning of next year, I wouldn’t be done with Morph by a long shot. I love them too much and there’s too much of me I sunk into them. So what would I do?

Well, I was hoping to spin a web thing with words and pictures. ...I think I’m just going to call it a web serial. No intention of ever formally publishing it. It would be the same basic arc again, but more polished and with all the Gravity Falls filed off a backstory and setting that is more original to me, plus additional new plot things and side characters. Definitely taking place in a Multiverse, though, how could it not?

coming up with a villain to replace Bill Cipher has been basically impossible but Morpho’s story can’t function without somebody in that role

Maybe this is misguided of me, maybe it will fail to launch, or launch and then fail, and attempting to run it alongside this blog is an almost guaranteed terrible idea, but I want to do it. Morpho is never going to get a book series or a TV show, so this is what I have for them. It could be pretty interesting if it works. They feel ready. And most importantly I know I can tell this long rambly story and finish it, because I’ve already done it, here with the help of a bunch of writers--friends-- that I admire. Morpho wouldn’t have made it this far without you.

When is it coming? I don’t really know. Work on the first installments is happening, but it’s slow, and there’s key things I don’t know yet. Most of it is going to be flying by the seat of my pants, making it up as I go (but y’know, making it up better, with slightly less improvisation than I usually employ here). I’m graduating from community college in mid March of this year, which is going to be a major life change that is probably going to turn my life completely upside down. Maybe I will suddenly not have any time for creating anything, be it an RP blog or a web serial, much less both! haha I’m terrified

But with luck, I’m hoping that what I am tentatively calling Amos vs. Everything will be out soon. Like, really soon. Some point between late January and when I graduate. (Now I just have to A. figure out where I’m hosting this thing and B. graduate. It would be really embarrassing if I flunked out of my last semester of school.)

I can see it now: somebody going “who the heck is ‘Amos’? The main character’s name is Morpho!” and I will smile and say ‘wait and see’ because they don’t know, but you. You all know.

And that’s about it! This is but a small and humble blog, and I like it that way. I appreciate every one of you who are here at time of writing. For the ones I don’t manage to interact with much-- I’m useless and shy. Poke me, reasonably. If you’re just here to spectate, that’s cool too. :D For the ones who come write here a lot, or did once-- you built this house.

Okay I should stop now or I’ll be sitting here forever! I can’t believe you read all this! Thank you all for everything and Happy New Year!

#ooc #one year blog retrospect #warning: very very very long and sentimental post #there is an announcement in there but I'm crazy nervous about it #i almost hope it gets overlooked even thought i want it to work out

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rosebennett28 · 6 years

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The one with the zombies - Part 1

Pairings: Winter Soldier x Reader

Summary: Y/N takes the opportunity to run from the Hydra facility she was being kept at when all hell breaks loose. Y/N does not only run from Hydra but also the undead. AU Zombie Apocalypse.

A/N: I just wanted to cross the Avengers universe with Bucky still being in Winter Soldier mode with a zombie apocalypse. I don´t know how many chapters there will be yet, but I really enjoy writing this one and I think there will be quite a few.

You ran until it felt like your lungs would collapse. You had been running for what had felt like an eternity in the merciless winter wearing nothing but scrubs. For miles it had been only woodland. Your hopes for rescue vanished as quickly as your fear of being found grew.

It all happened so quickly you couldn't even fully comprehend what had happened, unsure if it may be a dream, or rather a nightmare. It must have been about a month ago according to your estimation, that you had been abducted by a man in a mask and had been brought to a facility that was presumably part of hell on earth. In the very same scrubs you were wearing right now you had been in either a horrid cell that was so cold you thought your teeth were going to break from clattering so hard or in a medical facility were you had been experimented on. These experiments seemed quite arbitrary to you as you were either injected with some obscure substances or went through severly traumatizing electro-shock therapy.

In the time you spent in your cell you tried to figure out what you could have possibly done to deserve this kind of punishment.

Every now and then you would notice a figure in the shadows of the vault but decided for yourself that you were in fact losing your mind, because as soon as you noticed the figure seemingly watching you, it would disappear.

Never in a thousand years did you believe you'd ever survive this situation much less expect the particular way you would escape. The base you were being kept at descended into chaos one night when you were strapped to a chair, being electrocuted as per usual.

Creatures that apparantly used to be living breathing human beings, now horrifyingly decaying and snarling were terrorizing the building. The doctor that was working on you wanted to abandon you strapped to that godforsaken chair when one of the undead creatures entered the room but was fatally bit and disfigured. A loud bloodcurdling screaming rang in your ears and you only realized it had been you all this time when your throat started protesting.

There was no way to escape. You were going to die, you were sure of it. Your life was going to end in this place and you weren't sad about it, you weren't going to shed more tears. You were merely petrified of the way you were going to be mauled by these creatures and it already was so close you could almost feel it on your skin. Its eyes were glueing you to your spot, that look you would never ever be able to erase from your memory.

Closing your eyes you awaited your death. But the rumble ceased and you heard a thud. You recognized the figure standing in front of you from the night you were taken. It was the man with the mask, a knife in one hand, covered in blood and a gun in the other. It must have had been him that had killed the creature. Alarms were blaring and you tried to gather yourself and grasp the occurances while the mysterious man freed you of your confines. On unsteady legs you were standing in front of him as he offered you his knife that you reluctantly took. You just didn't have any hope of surviving what seemed to be the end of the world. But your instincts acted for you by taking the knife and telling you to run. Why would you trust the man that had brought you into this building in the first place? That he was helping you now didn't mean anything. Another creature entered the room and the man was busy killing it when you took your chance and ran.

The hallways were pure horror, the walls were covered in blood and the floors lined in bodies. You were running, trying to find the exit with the alarm disorienting and deafening you. Just when you were about to give up you saw the light. It was all white. It took you a while to realize that the whole outside world was covered in snow. You must have been in there longer than you remembered.

You ran into the woods as it seemed to be the only way you could possibly run. As much as you feared being followed you couldn't and wouldn't possibly turn around. Grasping onto the knife in your hand firmly you ran into the unrelenting winter dusk.

With your legs and lungs refusing to cooperate with you any further you grew more and more exhausted and the slower you got the colder you felt. After a while you realized that you weren't wearing any shoes and marvelled at the fact that your feet had not yet fallen off.

The feeling of being followed never let up but you had to keep going. It was almost pitch-dark and freezing, you were scared and erratic. You had no idea what you were supposed to do or where you were supposed to go. If it wasn't the undead or your kidnappers that found you, you would die of hypothermia or starvation. Either way it didn't look good for you.

Leaning against a tree you looked up into the night sky. Gazing at the stars you accepted you were most likely not going to make it and you could have sworn your life was going to flash before your eyes if it wasn't for the mysterious man that suddenly stood before you. You wanted to scream but he covered your mouth before you could even make a sound. After a moment of shock you remembered your knife and he must have read it in your eyes because he used his free hand to pry it from you. Of course you struggled to get out of his grasp but he wouldn't budge. It was pointless.

It sounded like the man was saying something but you couldn't decipher it due to the fact that his voice and the ringing in your ears were blending into one as you fell unconcious and everything went dark for you once again.

You woke up briefly feeling sick. It was too dark to see anything but by the temperature and wind you could tell you were still outside and you were being carried. You were way too drained to say anything much less struggle out of the persons grasp. So you lay there, in the arms of the stranger, being bobbed up and down with every step he took. You couldn't even be bothered to find out who he was or where he was carrying you. Listening to his calm and rhythmical breaths you dozed off.

The next time you woke up it was morbidly light and warm. So much so that it confused you even more than you already were. A twinge at your hand alerted you to the fact that a needle that lead to an IV-bag was attached to you. Slowly you caught onto your surroundings. You were laying on a heap of blankets on a couch in front of a fireplace. In front of the couch a thin blanket was spread with a pillow forming its head-section. The pillow was parallel to yours. Whoever it belonged to must have been watching you.

The clicking sound of a gas oven being ignited was what snapped you out of your haze. As quitely as possible you tried to unwrap yourself from the blankets, your peek on the shadow that came out of the room that was most likely a kitchen. Looking around in the living room you sought out the entry door. You couldn't get to the door without crossing the strangers way. Still your impulsive mind told you to panic and you tried to get up as inconspicuously as possibly but got caught on the makeshift IV-pole. You prevented any loud sounds by grabbing the pole and haphazardly pulling out your transfusion. It was only when you tried to take a step that you didn't only notice your legs were giving in but also you were wearing insanely oversized clothes, a black turtleneck and black cargo pants.

You slowly but surely approached the doorframe of the kitchen. Your heart was beating out of your chest in fear of the man possibly seeing you. Peeking in you saw his back turned to you. You weren't sure if it was the man that followed you in the woods, the same man that had abducted you. You couldn't recognize him, you had never seen his face but he was roughly the same height you remembered, his hair longer and lighter-coloured than you recollected. But standing there in front of the oven stirring a pot he looked weirdly domestic. If you didn't suspect him as being part of the organization that tortured you, you would have trusted him to help you.

With a last deep breath you decided it was now or never, you were just about to take a leap to the door when you heard him.

"Do you really believe you'll be safer out there?", a bizzarly soothing and calm voice asked. His voice sounded familiar, like you had known him all your life but he was a stranger to you.

Peeking into the kitchen again you noticed he still hadn't turned around.

"You nearly froze to death and if it wasn't for the saline solution you would have died of dehydration, not to forget our undead friends out there.", he gestured to a window with his wisk.

"Why do you care?", your voice sounded so small you didn't even recognize it.

His shoulders slumped forward and he hesitated before he eventually turned around. He wasn't wearing his maks and you hated yourself for thinking what you were thinking. But he was very handsome, with a lost look in his bright blue eyes that captivated you in the worst way possible.

What went unnoticed by you was how he opened his mouth to speak and closed it again before turning around to tend to his now simmering pot.

"If you decide to sleep for three days straight again, I could protect you better than you could protect yourself. You don't even have a weapon or shoes.", unfortunately he was right. " If you decide to leave regardless, you can keep the clothes I put on you, I wasn't sure if it would be okay for you that I changed your clothes but I couldn't leave you in your... scrubs."

Something in you that was apparantly asleep for three days snapped.

"You weren't sure if that was okay for me?", your voice became louder as you spoke and soon enough you couldn't keep yourself from screaming at the man that was facing you again, his brows furrowed, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're the fucking asshole piece of shit degenerate bastard that took me from my own home in the middle of the night and had me incarcerated and tortured and just because you saved me from these creatures and abducted me again you think I'm safe with you? You can't be that fucking stupid can you ? I'd rather die out there because of them than stay here with you. They are still more human than you."

You don't remember ever having been this angry in your life. Neither had you ever screamed at someone like that, but tears of pure hatred streamed down your face as you tried to stop yourself from hyperventilating. You just couldn't understand what was happening. It was too much.

You looked at the man whose mouth was slightly open in disbelief a last time before you turned towards the door. The second you opend it you noticed that it was pitch-black, you had no light, no shoes and no weapon. The clothes on you didn't seem to want to stay on you as you had to hold up the pants by its waistband.

It was so cold you instantly missed the warmth of the house. Despite the circumstances in which you were brought there, it had at least been a shelter. Your melancholia was cut short as you heard a snarling in front of you. You were so stupid, what were you thinking?

Trying to run backwards seemed to be the worst decision of your life as you immediately tripped and fell, the creature coming closer and closer.

#Bucky Barnes #Winter Soldier #Bucky X Reader #Winter Soldier x Reader #Zombie Apocalypse AU #Avengers x Zombies Fan-Fiction #Fan-Fiction

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shookethbrooketh · 5 years

Text

stars

chapter 22

it was all a blur to him, but he knew he would never forget that last time phil held him in his arms. time finally did slow down, the roar around them ceasing just long enough for phil to whisper in his ear. “i love you,” was all he heard before the world came rushing back to him.

summary: dan grew up in a normal 1930s london family with his parents and little brother. everything was completely and utterly normal… until the bombs started dropping. When dan was fifteen his father went off to war, and when he was sixteen he and his brother hayden were sent off to a foster family in rural england. he looked up at the stars and couldn’t help but wonder how something that beautiful could exist in such a broken world. just when he thought things would never get better, dan met phil, and he became the shining star of his life. but when phil turned eighteen and went off to war, dan couldn’t help but wonder when, if ever, the stars would twinkle the same way again.

rating: t

genre: angst, fluff, history au, strangers to lovers, teenagers

whole fic warnings: warfare (not descriptive), bombings, fire, panic attacks, ptsd, epilepsy/seizures, homophobia, death, fighting/arguing chapter warnings: the big angst

chapter word count: 1.2k total word count: 32.4k

read it on ao3 read it on wattpad fic masterlist

Dan woke up in Phil’s bed the next morning, and he wasn’t even granted a moment of oblivious peace. The second he realized where he was, he remembered why. “Phil?” he groaned, pawing around for Phil but not finding him. An irrational fear struck his stomach as he sat up straight, glancing around the empty room. Eventually, he found Phil hanging up shirts in his closet, and his fear alleviated.

“Oh, you’re awake,” he said. “You’d best get going; we have to leave in about an hour.”

The prior fear was immediately replaced with pure sadness. Dan exhaled deeply and sat up, still under the warmth of the sheets. “Yeah, yeah,” Dan said monotonously, eyes traveling to a suitcase Phil was packing on the floor. He’d put a few of his clothes in it, but he’d mostly be wearing uniforms, so he’d ended up putting most of the discarded clothes from the day before back in his closet to be left unworn. “Leaving.”

“I know, I know,” Phil said, planting a kiss on Dan’s forehead. “I’m not looking forward to it either.”

Dan reluctantly dragged himself out of bed and downstairs to get some breakfast. He couldn’t help but wish he didn’t have to; every moment he spent doing something arbitrary felt like an insult to the last morning he had with Phil. Breakfast was pointless, a waste of precious time. Dan wished he could just slow down, or even stop time altogether.

But life never seems to work like that. Dan wanted time to slow down, so it sped up. His time whittled away as he got dressed and brushed his teeth, and suddenly the sand had all trickled from the hourglass, and they were piling into Margo and Harold’s car. It wasn’t the first time Dan had been sandwiched in between Phil and Hayden, and it certainly wasn’t the first time he wasn’t happy about it, but it was definitely the worst. With every passing moment, the reality of the situation sunk in a little more.

Eventually, they arrived at the train station, and Dan sucked in a breath. It was the same place he’d been dropped into a new life, and now it was the place it would be taken away from him. He trailed the Lesters into the station, feeling as if he was walking to the guillotine.

“I’m going to go to the restroom,” Dan said, practically begging to be somewhere less overwhelming, if only for a few moments.

“I’ll go as well,” Phil said, obviously thinking Dan wanted company. Dan sighed, as he really didn’t, but Phil always had a way of cheering him up. Whether his charm would work when he himself was indirectly the problem was questionable, but it was worth a try.

“Train stations are funny,” Dan said, leaning up against the wall in the busy bathroom. People moved past him and Phil as they conversed, most of them choosing to ignore the boys.

“How so?” Phil asked, hitting the wall beside him.

“They have a certain way of ruining my life.”

“Dan,” Phil trailed off, discreetly grazing his hand across Dan’s. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll write you every day.”

“Every day?”

“Every day.”

“Phil.” Both of them knew what was coming next. They’d been purposefully avoiding the topic, but the elephant in the room had to be addressed eventually. “What happens if you don’t come back?”

“I don’t know,” Phil said. “Rather than that, I think you should look forward to what will happen when I do.”

“When?”

“When.”

Dan slumped against the floor. He knew it was disgusting and grimy, but he didn’t care. “You’re mighty optimistic.”

Phil fell down beside him. “That’s my job.”

“Whose job will it be after you leave?” Dan asked, each of them staring forward into the abyss.

“Yours, I guess.”

“I’m not good at that.”

“You can learn. I believe in you.”

Dan closed his eyes for a moment, too numb to cry. “Hey, Dan?” he heard from beside him. He turned his head to see Phil looking at him. “You’ll wait for me, won’t you?” Fear lived in his eyes, and Dan could tell it was deeply rooted in more than their relationship.

“Forever.”

Phil took a deep breath and pulled out his pocketwatch. “We’ve got to go.” He pried himself off the dirty floor and Dan did the same. Neither of them wanted to move an inch, but they each forced their feet to move back to the family and off to the platform, where many young men were ready to ship off.

The doors opened and they started piling onto the train; Phil picked up his suitcase and went to say goodbye. Dan barely paid attention as he said his goodbyes to his parents, and all he caught of Hayden’s was a hair ruffle. All he focused on was his own. It was all a blur to him, but he knew he would never forget that last time Phil held him in his arms. Time finally did slow down, the roar around them ceasing just long enough for Phil to whisper in his ear. “I love you,” was all he heard before the world came rushing back to him. Suddenly, everything around him seemed to be moving faster than it was originally. Before he could even orient himself, Phil was disappearing onto the train. The rest of the family behind him, Dan unconsciously moved forward to the front of the platform and watched as the train began to pull out of the station, looking up and down for Phil’s face to pop out of a window. Finally he found him and he waved to Phil, who managed to find him immediately as well. Soon, the train sped out of view, and Phil was gone.

It was then when Dan realized he’d become his mother. He had someone to love, and then they were pulled apart by the train. They had separate destinations; one had somewhere to go, and one had to figure out how to stay. All in all, Dan found himself waving goodbye to his lover on the platform, just as his mother did for his father, and similar to what she did for Dan and Hayden.

Dan fell to the platform, cowering against a brick pillar as tears began to flow down his cheeks. His sobs were loud, but no one could hear them on the crowded platform. He cried out, now stuck feeling more pain than he could have ever imagined. Not only did he have to feel his own pain, but he had to channel everyone else’s too. He thought of Phil’s pain, leaving his life behind just as he had been forced to. He thought of his mother’s pain, which he’d finally grown to truly understand. He even thought of his father, who much have felt just as Phil was feeling that day.

It was a cruel reminder that his life was full of pain. Everyone he’d ever loved had ended up a tragedy, and it all reflected back in on himself at that one moment. Dan threw his head back against the brick and finally did the one thing he’d neglected to do for the last six months of his life.

He let his pain out.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phic stuff #stars #chapter 22 #dong and ping

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gcadim-blog · 5 years

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I can’t write like I used to, so I’m sorry. I used to feel like words were my everything. They were ropes, bonds, bands around my shoulder and chest that grappled me back down when flying was dangerous. They were moral backing, sharp glimmering silver knives in a verbal body that I could throw at the world. When I needed not to fly but to just ultimately prevail, when I needed to be sharp, supreme, and superior, those ropes bound to keep me safe propelled me into the sky. I was tethered and free, like some sort of twisted propaganda.

I feel like an open expanse, like a concave and rotting pumpkin, innards all exposed and vulnerable, but so disgusting no one would ever take advantage. This year took something away from me. I don’t what it is- curiosity, hope, fire, human connection? But I’ve grown distant and restless and filled with hatred, pain, worry, anxiety, fear, fright. I’ve grown full of fright and emptiness. I’ve learned that making something out of nothing is difficult when you don’t care, and that the opportunity to create nothing out of something is seized by an other worldly power that hates you and want to rip you apart and tear you down, that gets some sort of sick, sick, sick, enjoyment out of this, out of something that just hurts and hurts, and aches so bad the marrow of my bones screams out in pain. I can’t.

I used to have this gift for enrapturement. I would capture people to set them free. The same power that the words gave to me, I would give it to others. I loved speaking. I loved writing, I loved telling, exposing, believing, influencing. I can’t help but feel like everything I do now is a corruption, something everyone can easily sense. I feel like a faceless background character that moves constantly in the midst of something important but has no value to be included in writing or characterization. Now, I wonder all the time how people can talk so much. I have nothing to talk about that feels anything other than frail, fake, like plastic, like when you lick your own lipstick off by accident and it’s absolutely disgusting to taste.

People are put off by me, I know this. I don’t respond the way I’m supposed to. My morals are different. I am consistent. I think killing bugs makes you a terrible person. I also feel like we should do extreme things to create a better world. Maybe it's suppressing these urges, that would surely lead me to do something drastic, that causes me to feel as if I am forsaking myself. I hate the world, the people of the world, and want to do nothing for it, but I love the world, and my essence cries out for me to act for it. Maybe it’s the effort to push everything away so I can live a simple, comfortable, long life, that causes me to feel anything but, wrapped in warm, soothing blankets of hardened, stiff, cold apathy.

If I had the opportunity between living the way I am now, living the way I wish to, by changing everything, or being subdued into a lucid dream for the rest of my life, I would with no doubt, choose the lucid dream. Maybe some moral law would cause me to in fact say no, but the painful realization is that I ultimately yearn for something else in this world that I can only find in a place that doesn’t exist.

I used to be hot all the time, like an overflowing, scalding cup of coffee, darkened swirling amber that invigorated. I’m cold now. Physically cold. All of the time. Buried under layers and layers, all I feel is the iced flesh I am. Dreams haven’t been an escape recently. I dream of old fears, or new fears, brought to wherever I am. I wake choking on fear, and with the most horrid strange feeling that the monster of all my dreams exists, and that it's watching me, with eyes the peer savagely, perversely, void of humanity, but filled with the worst reckonings of the universe, and everytime I turn my back it looks at the planes of my shoulders, the fragile slope of my spine, and sees into the cells of my body, and recognizes the cold and feels my skin and recognizes the distance. It craves the distance I have towards the world, the detachment, and that it’s drawn to that. It’s drawn to that and it feeds off it, and it inspires that, and thus forms a cyclical pattern that can only result in a total spiral to something absolutely horrendous and it makes me so terribly afraid. It makes me so fucking scared.

I want to escape but there’s nowhere to go. I’m painfully afraid of death and overly attached to being young forever.

Writing this, in my free time when no one is around, I feel like something is watching me again, like I’m doing something wrong for writing this, like I might never get to finish, like I’m sinning. My stomach is twisting, the sky is a haze today, nothings particularly bright or dark, but everything is a wash of gray and mist and constraint and chill today. It’s like its waiting, whether for something to start or end, close or open, but its patient. I am not, I am worried about what’s next. I don’t want to die.

Women are encouraged to be flighty and stupid, and needy. Men are encouraged to pretend like they have everything, including the answers, and speak the most limited bullshit with this emotion behind it like they have discovered the world. And then the girls coo and fawn, as if pretending they have not the capabilities to comprehend such a great failure as that idea. Now I am angry, which I originally treasured. It was the only thing I could use to get myself to care again, without caring enough for everything else I’ve been bottling to come pouring out. Anger is a distractor, a motivator, and invigorator. Now I just feel sick. And then when I drop again I’ll feel even more empty.

Food is like sand to me. As pleasant as its taste it feels like nothing, quickly over once eaten, I seem to miss the point. Intimacy, relationships, I can’t do them. I feel like its so one-sided, like I’m not ever going to be able to feel towards them the way they do towards me, and I hate that type of lying. Academic accomplishment hurts because I am a prideful person who enjoys success but at the same time I understand that success in this absurd world means little to nothing in the long run, and that I should be doing something meaningful and fulfilling. But what is that?! I just want someone to tell me, but I know that they’d be wrong! I want to succeed and I also don’t! I want to abandon this whole meaningless charade of a system with its pointless barriers and struggling maze to reach a location I may find despicable. I am a body trapped in a system to which my mind has succeeded in leaving and isn’t that just the worst thing imaginable.

I want someone to tell me what to do, how to feel, how to think, to relieve the pressure of being free - maybe I’m too free, could that be the issue?- but I abhor the idea of anyone telling me what to do, when I know they don’t truly understand, when they are less than in the ways that matter to me.

I want to enjoy conversation, relationships, achievements, stupid arbitrary things that everyone else does. But I feel like I have no voice, like I don’t have any of the words to say anything besides this, and most definitely not enough to do all of those so very human activities. Why have words forsaken me, where have they gone?

All I can ask is this:

Please come back

#SOS

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seriouslyhooked · 6 years

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No Other Plans (A CS Birthday AU)

A/N: Modern AU where it’s Emma’s birthday and she never celebrates it with anyone. She’s been slowly falling for this new neighbor of hers, Killian, for a while now. Emma’s crafted a plan to ask him out after months of pushing him away, but because it’s me writing a fluffy fic, Killian already has his own plan in motion. The two come together in a sweet, lovely one shot and there is no angst anywhere ever at all, the end. Also on FF here and AO3 here.

Whatever special love the rest of the world had for birthdays, Emma Swan could never seem to understand.

Maybe it would make sense to her if she’d grown up in a loving home with the parties and the presents and the celebration, but there was none of that in her world. Her birthday was just like any other day, with no fuss and no grandeur and that was the way she preferred it. Even when she’d left the foster system, an adult in her own right now in charge of her own decisions and destiny, Emma still downplayed the day. What was the point of making a big deal? It wasn’t like she had a ton of friends to party with, and she definitely didn’t think that wishing on a candle would get her anything of value in life. It all just felt kind of pointless and arbitrary. Why should this one day of all days matter?

The truth was it shouldn’t, at least not in Emma’s eyes, but this year she was making an exception, because this year, for the first time in her life, she had a real regret that she was living with. As cheesy as it sounded, she actually had a birthday wish, a wrong to make right and a hope in her heart where hope had so long been absent.

It all started a few months ago when her closest neighbors unexpectedly moved out and a new tenant moved in. Emma hadn’t thought anything of it. This apartment complex had enough turn around to make it inconsequential. New people came and went all the time; that was the way things went in the city. But then she’d actually met the man who would be living across the hall and everything changed.

“You must be Swan,” this handsome foreigner had said as he dropped one of the boxes he was moving in and came to extend a hand in greeting. Clearly he had missed the memo on city dwellers in America – the occasional smile or hello in the elevator was just about as chummy as people got here. Still Emma found herself accepting the handshake all the same. “Well at least you are ‘Swan’ if the mail boxes are to be trusted.”

“They are,” Emma replied hesitantly, her thoughts distracted by the way his being so close made her feel. It was pleasant when typically she went out of her way to avoid people. “And I am. But it’s Emma actually. Emma Swan.”

In the moment she couldn’t understand why she was telling him so much. Emma never opened up to strangers. Heck this guy could be certifiably nuts. Lord knew she saw enough in her line of work to know there were some real sickos out of there. But strange as it was, her gut couldn’t seem to muster anything like repulsion at this new person in her life. Instead she felt comfortable, even safe, and that thought scared her half to death.

“Emma,” he’d said as his hand held hers just a little too long, leaving a warmth and tingling all in once in her palm and through her fingers. The way he said her name was delicate but also gruff. It had just a hint of gravel melted in with that sexy accent and it shocked the hell out of Emma, so much so that she barely caught his introduction: “Killian Jones, at your service.”

“You always talk like that? Like a pirate or something?” she’d asked, completely embarrassed when it slipped out but hiding it as best she could as Killian laughed.

“Aye, love. It’s one of my many quirks. Beware my tendency for swashbuckling and excessive exclamations like ‘argh’ and ‘ahoy there.’

Emma found herself laughing at his joke, which totally took her by surprise. But surprising didn’t cut it when it came to Killian Jones. He was… indescribable. There was just something about him that drew Emma in, that made her want to linger out there in the hallway when he greeted her, or made her debate if a little more neighborly visiting wouldn’t be a good thing. She could cook him something, right? Like a casserole or whatever the hell people brought neighbors in the movies. Well obviously she’d have to learn how to cook first but…

These were the kinds of thoughts Emma had been having for months as she slowly but surely caved to an infatuation with the handsome Brit. She would not call her feelings for Killian a crush – she would certainly not call it love – but she had to admit that there was something about him, something in those piercing blue eyes and that charismatic smile; something about the way he always held the door, not just for her but for everyone; something about the charm he had that was almost roguish even though he was always a gentleman. He was a flirt, but never crossed a line, he would tease her, but he never insulted her at all. Instead he boosted her up, whether he meant to or not, always leaving her with something – some small compliment or professed bit of faith that made her feel better and made her want more.

Killian had even been bold enough to make it clear that he wanted more too, asking Emma a number of times if she had plans during a weekend or a slower night of the week. She always said the same thing – “Sorry, I can’t” – any time he asked, but she also knew he would ask again even when he turned her down. No matter what he always asked again, and he managed to do so without ever pressuring her or making her feel like her boundaries were tested or infringed on. Emma could tell that he was patiently waiting for her to be ready, but she was starting to worry that that patience had run out, because for the past week she’d barely seen him, and when she had he hadn’t mentioned anything about hanging out at all.

“It’s my own fault,” she muttered aloud to herself as she nervously paced around her apartment. “I should have just said yes. I should have just gone on the date with the guy I like instead of turning him down over and over again. Now I’m that girl who makes a move on her birthday of all days. God this is so dumb.”

Emma was spared from further self-censure by the ding of her over timer, a sound she’d rarely ever heard since moving in. She went to open it up and found the vanilla cupcakes she’d put in there. They actually looked kind of okay and as she pulled them out she read all directions very carefully. She made sure they were totally cool and then she did her best (which was admittedly not very well) to try and frost them. The frosting she was using was blue, a blue not unlike the darker specs in Killian’s eyes, and she would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought of that or about Killian’s love of the sea when she chose it at the store. She knew all these little things about him, and unbeknownst to her at the time she’d been saving them up and keeping them all close because they actually mattered to her.

Finally Emma looked at the scene before her, finding two of the twelve cupcakes she’d made that looked slightly more passable than the others. She placed them on a clean white plate, added a couple of white sprinkles, and then she took a steadying breath and readied herself for this moment. Right now she was going to make a move – she was going to see if Killian was interested in spending the evening with her, and hopefully if the promise of her company wasn’t enough, then the cupcakes would bribe him into letting her back in. Truth be told she missed him, even though it had only been a few days, and accepting that was a big step for her, one that told her she should take the chance and see what happened.

Emma headed out her front door, moving down the hallway the short distance to Killian’s place. Once there, she only hesitated for a moment, trying to steady her resolve. She was a big girl, a strong woman, surely she was brave enough to put herself out there. But just before she could raise her hand to knock, the door swung open, and there was Killian, looking as gorgeous as ever and totally taking her breath away.

“Emma,” he said, taking in the sight of her with an obvious tone of shock. “What are you – I mean I was going to – uh…”

Emma watched the expressions of his face. He started at thrilled to see her, something that made her heart flutter with excitement in her chest, and then he moved into surprise as he saw her cupcakes. Emma realized she was staring at him, and then it was her turn to notice that he was holding something too, a small light green cake with candles and everything not so unlike her cupcakes.

“Is that for me?” Emma asked, smiling as she saw him turn a bit red at the question.

“Aye, Swan. I know you don’t typically celebrate your birthday – you’ve told me as much before – but I hated to think it would go by and we wouldn’t commemorate it somehow. You deserve all recognition, love. Your too remarkable to go without.”

Emma was touched at how sweet his words were, and she ducked her head back down to look at the cake and to hide the mistiness that was coming to her eyes. This was honestly more than she’d hoped for. Killian hadn’t forgotten her at all. He wasn’t taking a step back from his admittedly closed off and guarded neighbor. He still cared – she hadn’t waited too long!

“I thought I’d make an exception this year,” Emma clarified, looking back up at him and finding so much hope and curiosity in his cerulean gaze. His hope emboldened her own as she said more. “But I realized the only person who I’d want to spend the day with was you. I mean if you’re not busy that is.”

“I’m not,” Killian rushed to say and Emma smiled at how he seemed to get flustered all over again before trying to regain his cool. “Trust me, I’ve no other plans, Swan. Certainly not when I could be spending time with you.”

“Good,” Emma said softly, stepping into his apartment and putting her cupcakes on the kitchen table. Killian chuckled at the sight of them, commenting on how they’d had the same idea. He said something about great minds thinking alike, but Emma wasn’t really listening. Instead she was thinking about how she’d already come this far and how she should just do it – she should just put it all out there so he’d know how she felt.

So when the cakes were safely on the counter, Emma made her move, cutting into Killian’s compliment of her frosting job and pulling him in by the leather jacket he was wearing, the one that she’d always wanted to grab onto. There was only an instant before she pressed that first kiss to his lips, a single moment before the world exploded into all the possibility that Killian had presented from their very first meeting, but in that second Emma watched as Killian understood her intentions, and she saw in his eyes an undeniable point of proof that she wasn’t in this alone. Then the kiss took that proof so much further, illustrating that not only did they understand each other, but that the chemistry between them burned so much brighter than she’d ever imagined possible.

All those nights that Emma lay awake wondering ‘what if’ had done nothing to prepare her for reality. She’d imagined what it would be like to be wrapped in Killian’s arms, but it didn’t hold a candle to the real deal. Here she was warm and safe, protected and cherished all at once. She might have started the kiss but he controlled it, showing this dominance and a need that woke her up inside and made that already present craving flare to something even more. She was desperate for this, desperate for him, but all they could have right now was a taste. There were still things to say, still steps to take, but this kiss would forever represent the start of something Emma now truly knew she wanted. She’d have this memory emblazoned in her mind forever, and she couldn’t help the smile that played at her lips as they broke apart. She felt like a kid at Christmas – or at least a normal kid at Christmas. It was foreign to her, but oh so delightful all the same.

“I didn’t want you to wonder about where I stood in this,” Emma said, her voice sounding breathy but strong as her words sounded out between them. Killian, meanwhile, ran his hand against her cheek, the feel of it a perfect mix of rough and tender and Emma had to fight to get the rest of her thoughts out and to not get distracted “I want you, Killian, and I’m tired of trying to deny that. I just thought you should know.”

“Thank Christ for that,” he muttered before kissing her again, but before they could get too carried away he pulled back making his own confession. “You know you really had me going there, love. I’d wait forever for this, but damn am I glad the wait is over. It is over, right?”

Emma laughed at his sudden bit of panic and nodded. “Yeah it’s over. We’re doing this. Well, we’re trying at least.”

“Oh we’re doing this,” Killian affirmed as he took both of her hands in his. “Because no matter what may come, Emma, my feelings will not change. This is it for me. You’re it for me. I knew it from that first day.”

“I think I did too,” Emma confessed happily, looking from Killian back around his apartment and feeling so satisfied as his arms came around her once more. Her eyes landed back on the cake, and so did his, prompting his question.

“So… any thoughts on what you’ll wish for?”

“Not a clue,” Emma replied before looking back up at him. “I already got what I wanted. I don’t think I need a wish.”

“Everyone needs a wish, Swan,” Killian said, deftly finding a lighter and illuminating the candles as he still held her close, tucking her back to his front and letting her face the treats they’d both worked so hard to create as the candles glowed and waited for her. “I think you can rise to the challenge.”

Emma thought on it for a moment, loving that even with all this newness there was still that easy, playful banter between them. So much was changing, but the most important things would stay the same. She trusted Killian, she wanted Killian, and now they could be together because they were willing to make the choice. It was an easy choice to make too, once she’d let go of the fear and listened to her heart, just like it was easy to find another wish if she let it come from the same happy, hopeful place. Just before she blew out the candles Emma smiled at the realization that this was her first birthday wish in all the years she could remember. She only hoped as she got all the candles in one try that all those years of waiting would mean better luck in getting her heart’s true desire.

And sure enough that wish did come true, though it took a little time to come together. Because Emma’s wish was to make this work with Killian; to take the risk, to fall in love, and to find her happiness once and for all. She wasn’t looking for a fairy tale per se, but something honest and real and wonderful, and lucky for her, and for Killian too, they found exactly that.

Post-Note: So it’s my birthday today, and as such it felt right to treat myself to a little bit of writing. I carved out some non-existent time and wrote this little drabble because I needed some CS fluff today. Hopefully you guys will enjoy, and if you’re wondering about the title, it’s actually inspired by the song ‘No Other Plans’ by Jillian Edwards. I’m not including this chapter in my mixtape collection since there’s a lot of variance from the original lyrics, but figured I’d plug it here if anyone wants to listen. Anyway thank you all so much for reading and I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!

#captain swan #captain swan fic #captain swan au #captain swan ff #cs fic #cs ff #cs #cs au #cs oneshot #cs au oneshot #emma swan #killian jones #cs neighbors au #cs birthday fic #ouat au #CS modern AU #no other plans

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traumaconvos · 3 years

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The other day I shut down in therapy to the point that I had to end the session early. I was talking with my therapist about how external depression makes sense because its circumstances but internal depression doesn't make sense to me because it just seems like my body randomly going hey today we're not going to function normally. We had talked about how the internal & external can feed into each other which create a negative feedback loop. The external to me is a puzzle to be solved through work, systems and routine that I can figure out. The internal is a puzzle but my brain is basically saying the puzzle, and therefore life, is meaningless.

Let's back way up for a minute. Because of the way my parents decided to "raise" me I didn't have friends growing up that were around my age. I spent most of my pre adult life just longing for friends, let alone someone to date. When I went to Lee I was just self aware enough to know that I was socially awkward but not aware enough to be able to fix it. I just knew that I was awkward and that something about me was off which was confirmed to me through numerous social interactions. To my credit I worked on this over the years and largely feel like I've grown past this. I consider Lee the greatest point in my life because it was the only time that I've been around people my age with a shared interest (graduating from Lee) and where I had multiple friend groups in different social circles. That being said over the years there's been this certain uneasiness that I have that even though people love me and would do anything for me, I never feel truly accepted. I never feel truly safe.

Let's back up even further now. External depression has always been with me in some sense because there hasn't been a point in my life where I didn't have a sense of longing for something that I haven't experienced. When I was growing up it was friends. When I was at Lee it became women. When I left Lee it was wanting to be accepted and valued for my work and still wanting a relationship. Even though I intentionally chose to cut myself off from my family, there's a certain emotional feeling that comes with that despite the logic of accepting it. I think that feeling while it might not be rejection, it's a lack of a sense of acceptance. I think that fear of never being truly accepted, whether rational or not, is present in every part of my life. I feel like I'm one fight, one bad conversation or one mistake away from anyone or everyone rejecting me. When I got Kolby one of the primary drivers of that decision was wanting to feel like I wasn't in life alone. I don't know fully if he's helped with that but that feeling of not having someone to share my life with, to celebrate the highs and the lows is still very much there. I say all that knowing that I have a fantastic group of friends who love and care about me. But given the lack of having an accepting family, the rejection I've faced personally & professionally combined with the friends I've lost this all makes sense.

Circling back to the end of the second paragraph. This all combines together in my work because of the rejection that I've faced there. A brief recap of my professional adult life:

- Worked a job for 2 years and I quit / was fired because of management making arbitrary changes for no reason to my schedule when I had already lined up freelance work

- The freelance work I accepted with Whiteboard was supposed to be a full time job even though it was structured like a retainer.

- I worked so hard there, constantly showing up before others and leaving well after they had gone because it was the first time I felt challenged.

- I was fired for reasons completely unrelated to my work that were an overreaction on Whiteboard's part

- Because the whiteboard guys were friends that I had known since college this wasn't just professional distance, I looked up to and respected them so it really hurt me that I would put so much of myself into my work and they would reject me.

- I realize now that this was traumatizing to me as I had a complete emotional breakdown over it.

- I took it as a catalyzing experience that failure was a motivator to succeed.

- While that was helpful in terms of what made me drive, the underlying part is that I am a failure.

- Doing freelance work made me feel like I was a failure.

- While it's partially that freelance was born out of failure the other part is that I still feel alone in my day to day life.

- I want to work with others so i can feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself and I don't feel completely alone.

- I have been fired from multiple places:

- WB

- CG

- MM

- CC

- ID

- FW

All of those feelings combine with the longing from my teenage years for friends, the longing from my adult life for a relationship and the lack of feeling accepted because I've chosen distance with my family. I feel like I'm in my day to day life alone because the reality is my day to day life is spent largely alone. Combine those feelings of being alone with the rejection and the reason that I get so depressed / anxious / stressed about money and clients is because I feel like at any moment I will be abandoned, discarded and replaced. That's my big fear both personally and professionally. Rather unfortunately no matter how much I've grown personally or professionally that pattern keeps repeating. I'm terrified because while obviously my actions play a part the only part I focus on, even if I'm right, is that I failed.

Here's what frustrates me about all this. No matter how much I accept myself, the circumstances or my life this is ultimately out of my control. What I'm seeking here is a feeling of external validation from friends, job, a woman, etc that I don't know how to get. The external depression circumstance of being fired and unemployed feeds into the internal depression feeling of you don't matter and are a failure. Yes the next thing I'm going to write is going to be how I would respond if someone said all this to me and came to me for advice. But the thing I don't know how to solve is that no matter how much compassion I show myself, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I grow I'm never going to have that validated feeling until I am accepted externally. If I did everything perfectly with my diet, which I won't, I would still be a year or more away from feeling comfortable enough with myself to date. I know the feelings will stay. I know the longing will still stay. This is why internal depression feels like a maze that doesn't matter because I don't see a way out. I don't see a way to stop this feeling. I've had external depression for as long as I can remember but no matter how much I work, strive and fight I can be undone by one day of internal depression completely derailing all of my ambitions. I'm so exhausted dealing with this and i don't know how to fix it.

---

Ok so before I start responding to the trauma side of me and all of that I'm going to intentionally email a client an invoice that I've been avoiding since August and see what happens.

I'm feeling some levels of apprehension doing this. Definitely still there and present. I was able to do it without any real issue but I do feel some sort of feeling that's hard to pin down as a response to doing it. When i've described anxiety before its usually been a feeling like a weight pushing down on different parts of my body. This is different in a way that is strange to describe. Its almost like I can feel something at the edge of my skin just there but still present. I feel it in my chest but most strongly in my arms.

Response time:

A lot of what you're talking about in the early part of this is the frustration that you feel over all these feelings that you've experienced for a large majority of your life. This is completely understandable and frustrating. You've always had an external depression element in your life in some capacity that feeds into the internal element and ends up making both worse. That sucks. But before I respond to anything else you need to recognize the fact that recognizing and categorizing those parts is progress. It's knowledge. You're still learning and growing. Being able to categorize how this is impacting you will make the process come faster on how to identify what's happening and counteracting. I think one of the biggest things that you're dealing with here is the fact that you're using the ability that you have to jump access when processing and seeing the whole mountain when you only need to see a single step forward. Because you can't actually see the finish line seeing the whole mountain makes you feel panicked and like its too overwhelming to ever actually complete. The biggest thing that you have to see going forward is that the steps that you're taking matter. I understand it's hard to see the progress you've made because all you feel is the exhaustion of still climbing. But the way to reframe that narrative is the fact the climb is the measure of the progress. Each step you're taking, even writing this, is an action that you couldn't have taken before but you could ONLY take because of the progress you've made. That's incredible. Seriously. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.

I know it's exhausting. I know it's draining. I know that most days you just want to lay in bed and do nothing. That's ok. Even the process of you doing that is completely different than where it would have been a year ago. You described external depression as a maze you can find your way out of and internal as a maze that seems pointless but it isn't. Here's the good news. Even when you feel overwhelmed and down at how overwhelming the entire maze is, you keep moving forward. You keep fighting. You keep progressing when all you want to do is give up. Do you know how badass that is? Seriously. You would be insanely proud of any of your friends making this progress so its time to be proud of yourself for doing that.

I'd normally try responding to each part of this but I don't think that I have to. You know that these are the root of the disease. You know you're attacking it. You know that you can't overcome this tomorrow. That's ok. No one besides you is telling you that you have to. I'm giving you permission to stop beating yourself up over not being able to solve your problems overnight. You don't have someone to share your life with personally or professionally in the context you want. That sucks. But its also not a problem that you have to solve overnight. You're still climbing. You're still one step closer than you were yesterday. That's how you beat this. Its not mentally deciding that you've over this and it will be fixed tomorrow. Its the thousands of moments you're taking learning to accept yourself, build yourself, care about yourself and fight for yourself. You've already progressed a lot. Multiple people see this. But no one, even me, is asking you to fix yourself tomorrow. Listen to yourself. Listen to what your brain and your body are telling you. Take this one step at a time, even if the way you get to the next step is sitting in bed for a week.

I am going to address one specific thing before I stop writing though. I want you to truly hear this and go back to it as many times as you need to. You are good enough. You do have value. Just because things haven't worked before doesn't mean they won't work in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe that you've grown. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. But I know that even if the situations have been setbacks you've grown. Even if you've doubted yourself and felt like you'll never be good enough, you keep pressing on. Its time to stop worrying about reaching the mountain top and start being focused on your next step. You've got this.

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puglover21 · 6 years

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The Hedonic Treadmill

On “Nosedive” from Black Mirror, Ingrid Goes West, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

The concept of the hedonic treadmill compares the pursuit of happiness to a person running on the treadmill. We search for, obsess over, and chase after things that give us that temporary burst of happiness, only to feel empty and lost after the high wears off, thus prompting a need to move on to the next thing that we believe can make us happy. It’s a pointless pursuit– nothing more than a cycle of toxicity and dependence, yet it is still feels so tempting and instinctual that we can’t help but engage.

“Nosedive” sets itself apart from many other Black Mirror episodes simply because it feels so scarily real and relatable. Whether we choose to engage in it or not, we are living in the age of social media. In fact, it’s almost amusingly hypocritical that I am writing this on a social media platform, hoping that this will get “likes” and thus sustaining my own need for approval. We let ourselves become dictated by likes, followers, reblogs, ratings, constantly feeding that black hole of dependency. But what is it all for? In “Nosedive”, Lacie answers by saying “I don’t know. To be content?”. She too, is living on her own hedonic treadmill, tricking herself into believing that a higher ranking could actually give her lasting happiness. American black comedy film Ingrid Goes West follows a similar trajectory, revealing the darkness of an obsessive, destructive dependence on external validation. The film even goes further as to explore the psychological ramifications of the pressure to curate a perfect image of self on social media. At the end of the day, it’s all a lie we tell ourselves in hopes of finding this heavily marketed yet completely arbitrary state of contentment.

Sadly, social media isn’t the only thing powering our hedonic treadmills. A pursuit of external validation is present in almost every aspect of life, including work, school, family interactions, and romantic relationships. In Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rebecca desperately looks for happiness in the men in her life: her father, Josh, Greg, and Nathaniel. Just moments before her dream wedding with Josh, she sings “Well Rebecca, you’ve done it now. You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted” with a confused frown on her face. After the fleeting moment of happiness wore off, she realises that a relationship with Josh wasn’t really the key to everlasting happiness after all. It never was. It’s all just a bandaid, a drug, or as Rebecca puts it, an “explosion of glitter”. One day we might wake up with millions of “likes”, the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, and still feel empty and starved inside. Because that’s what happens when you keep running and running on a treadmill: it breaks you, and one day, you’ll tire out.

#hmm #blackmirror #black mirror #crazy ex girlfriend #crazyexgirlfriend #crazyexgf #crazy ex-girlfriend #rachel bloom #ingrid goes west #ingridgoeswest #nosedive #rebecca bunch

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years

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Part 1Hi :) I'm very confused by Death. If he used to be kept in a prison far under ground, how did everything keep dying? Because in 6x11 it was implied that he had to physically touch a person to kill them. Or was that just a symbolic sort of thing he had Dean do? If so, what would be the point in imprisoning him in the first place, if it didn't take away his power? Also, he acts like he doesn't really need his ring, whereas the other horsemen rely on theirs for everything?

Part 2 Lastly, before he gives Dean his ring he tells him Lucifer has him bound and is making him destroy Chicago, but then he gives Dean his ring and tells him Chicago can stay? I thought he didn’t have a choice. Or is it that when he gave over the ring, he surrendered his power that would’ve been used to destroy Chicago? If so, they make it look like the ring is powerful in that episode, but in other episodes it’s like the ring’s nothing more than part of a key to open Lucifer’s cage. Help…

Hey there! Wow, we’re going deep today, huh? :)

First off I do want to say that I think on a storytelling level a lot of this is going to fall under the same category as this:

https://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/116290651059/kim-manners-often-jokes-that-the-ghost-rules-are

https://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/127733752414/so-was-the-ghost-car-really-the-ghost-of-a-car

The “ghost rules” is a good short hand comment I have in my own head to explain anything the story is kind of wobbly about when it comes to power levels/reapers randomly turning visible and operating on our plane of existence/demons being strong one day and weedy enough that Ben Braeden can take them down single handed with just salt rounds without them getting up again the next… Things where the storytelling for good or bad bends the lore to the needs of the story. So some of these are minor continuity quibbles that you have to put together in certain ways and kind of construct a meaning where I think largely the crew wanted you to not think too hard about it.

Obviously the process of death was going on since Death was locked away for centuries, and reapers did all the work shuttling people back and forth unguided, just serving their purpose. And since Death has been killed, things continue on that way, although there was a bit of concerned spec that death would just stop happening for a bit (one spec I remember was that Cas and Crowley were ‘supposed’ to die of being stabbed & the attack dog spell, but then didn’t because there was no one to reap them, although the speculator I think was pretty blurry on the details of what would happen next and I don’t really remember… 2 years ago. Yikes.)

If I had to guess about the nature of dying in this world they’ve created and make a theory (definitely only a theory and all my own thoughts based on my own musings on this subject in the show and a lot in my own worlds and other stories) to string it all together, is that “death” is a natural process that “Death” personifies, but doesn’t need to actually be a personified version of for it to keep happening… Whatever power he had as a controlled entity was, I guess, dispersed when he was killed, and the consciousness of the whole thing is over - some sort of chaos and maybe even untamable nature with no personification to harness it, that death just *happens* now. Billie’s threat of throwing them into the empty is not directly connected with this state but metaphorically makes the post-Death part of the show one where the state of death is final, absolute and once again random, chilling and cruel, rather than something one bounces back from. I think though it’s got no actual link to the metaphysical side of things with how death is happening it sort of paints a picture of it as a arbitrary force… 11x17 with them dying in all these pointless ways, just a random gut shot on a hunt or Dean OD’ing to talk to Billie, was really heavy on death just happening unpredictably and scarily to them and very much out of their control.

I think even when Death was caged up this force was still present in the world that things would end and move on and he was merely the personification of it - something that sort of came into being from the power of this transition, something to oversee and arbitrate on the concept’s behalf. Billie as a reaper is only a psychopomp who moves the souls to their place so has no power to arbitrate and decide for them, though she makes deals and in season 12 really starts exceeding her reach by bringing them back to life in 12x09 and so on, I think she was starting to flex the powers Death had, which was to speak on behalf of the concept of dying, as SOMEONE needs to take over to help with who lives and dies, and Billie had very strong opinions on that (I think all reapers do), so she was using powers reapers didn’t canonically have, in 12x09, but Death did. I suppose if his power is free and unchained in the world now, reapers would be the species best suited to start harnessing it for themselves and like Heaven without God, or demons without a leader (like Abaddon collecting souls for herself in jars in basements rather than letting them go to Hell where she wasn’t directly owning them to recruit demons), there’s a sort of self-determination going on which is a strong theme of the show… To take the power into their hands for themselves that was once reserved for the huge personalities who ran everything. Very anarchic :P

Anyway in 6x11 Death is alive, well, free and has the ring which seems to be the symbol harnessing this power (just as the others had rings which harnessed lesser, human awfulness we create ourselves, and I bet if you knew how you could make rings to harness any sort of awfulness and become a “Horseman” of some human issue… Though, again, they seem to be personalities specifically conjured by cosmic pressure to control these things the fact there are rings in the first place suggests some sort of… deliberate creation and human connection… idk it’s anachronistic if Death is a concept from the dawn of time that needs a very human looking crafted ring to do anything with his power… I sort of feel like if they were previously existing, the force of human personalities and power made them swarm like flies to this planet and grow in strength and manifest/create these rings or… something? Not my worldbuilding but I’ve had to think a LOT about similar creatures for my world building, though representing POSITIVE human things like the concepts of justice, magic, etc, and my Deaths are quite positive characters blending in with that rather than ever seeming villainous. Wow, detour. Sorry.)

ANYWAY so I think 6x11 has Dean very deliberately put in Death’s place for the sake of his learning experience, and that means the rules are much stricter and specific. I think Dean is in no way powerful enough to contain the entire concept of death and all the power to move the moon, but the ring, with permission, and probably a very carefully crafted list of people to visit, allows him to act like Death… Death didn’t personally show up to them before 9x01, or at least, show his face when doing it, and in fact in 9x01 he’s doing the opposite of Billie - he acts more like the reaper in 7x10 or Tessa in 2x01, talking to Sam about passing on and I think would have escorted him as a reaper… He is described as the “big daddy reaper” at one point so it’s not weird he has those powers too :P But anyway I think in 6x11 it was very deliberately staged that the ring gave Dean the choice and means to wield that power just in a very small way of being the one to decide when their lives ended, while I think in Death’s hand as the much more powerful being even WITHOUT it, just by nature, it becomes such a formidable thing it can destroy cities and move the moon and whatever else.

I think the ring was destroyed in 10x23 but it did make me wonder that without it Death was more along the lines of a fairly standard reaper but just the oldest one who had crafted/created the ring to harness these greater cosmic powers. He killed the bloke in 5x21 so I do wonder about the message in 6x11 about cosmic consequences since Dean created a lot and sure it was the apocalypse and all but it’s quite clear that Death can fuck up on that scale if Dean can :P I think the whole moving the moon thing is a pretty consequential thing…. Just sayin’. The whole cosmic consequences thing now ties pretty directly back to the message of 6x11. I think if Death has the power to create or control those consequences then I would say post-10x23 again the world is much more lawless when it comes to the natural order, which might be another reason why Billie was so nervous of the Winchesters continuing to defy it. I wonder how season 11 would have shaken out with Death around and I wonder if the “cosmic consequences” can run back as far as that choice as well.

(For example, Dean would have summoned Death immediately to ask him to reap Amara, in a situation unlike 7x01 where Death didn’t think Cas was worth the challenge, vs what he said in 5x21 about reaping actual God one day, of which Amara was absolutely on a level so obviously if Death wasn’t dead, would have been the obvious person to ask for the same reason it occurred to Dean in 7x01… and as the most powerful chess piece on the board, with him gone, they turn to desperate measures like going to chat to Lucifer, which of course is still creating problems now >.>)

Anyway since Billie didn’t feel like elaborating on anything, I sort of doubt we’ll hear too much in depth about this again from the POV of reapers or Death but this is my theory about how that power all works… Again, from the POV of someone who writes cosmic entities all the time for fun :P

#Asks #death #billie #5x21 #6x11 #7x01 #I still can't believe he literally moved the moon for Dean #10x23 #12x09

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