#i wanted a kristie goal at the end so badly

[keenesbeans]

Two Heads are Better than One

Requested by @amofbebbanburg: Hello! I know something to write 😝😝😝 if you haven’t written this already, how about a Spencer Reid x reader where they both are geniusses and both can get extremely involved in discussions and the team is always flabbergasted as they don’t understand a thing about them, except.. That Spencer and her have a crush on eachother and they make Spencer fonally act on it? Maybe some NSFW to it ❤

A/N: Takes place during season 5 and mentions Spencer being shot in the knee. Introduction takes place in season 5, episode 5 “Cradle to Grave” Sorry I went a little off of the request I had an idea and I ran with it, I still hope you enjoy!

Taglist: @amofbebbanburg  @thatsonezesty13​ @slutforthegubes​ @hazel-howell​ @rachelssafespace​ @lindaze​

Requests are Closed!

Category: FLUFF and SMUT! (NSFW)

Couple: Spencer Reid x BAU! reader

Warnings: Oral sex (male receiving), penetrative sex, chocking, Dom!Spencer, degradation 

Word Count: 2,889

******

"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."

-Albert Einstein 

You were sat at the corner of Spencer's desk as he rambled on about a blog he had just found, you wouldn’t have stayed and listened cause the subject was boring to you, but you stayed because you loved to watch the first genius in the BAU ramble. Especially since he was shot you couldn’t spend a moment away from him, afraid that something like that would happen again.

You were happy to see Derek walk in to the office finally someone else that Reid could talk to besides you. But, before you could give Reid to Derek, he was questioning Reid.

“Reid, what did I miss?”

“Oh, man, you're not gonna believe this. Some moron just posted a blog called "what would Carl Sagan do?" Spencer completely oblivious to what Derek was asking him about.

“No, Reid, the case.” Derek asked him again annoyance clear in his voice. “What's the case?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t know about a case, do you know about a case y/n/n” Spencer now directed his attention to you. You shook your head no “Nope I didn’t hear about any new cases coming in.” You told the boys.

“These emails from Hotch.” "take a look at this, " "new case to review."

“Emails from Hotch? I didn't get any emails from Hotch,” Spencer replied back to Derek while he typed on his computer. “did i? Nothing.” Both you and Spencer were clueless about what Derek was taking about. 

The whole time he talked you and Spencer shared questioning gazes between the two of you as you played with his crutches, him stealing them away from you before you hurt yourself or broke them. 

Derek had walked to Hotch’s office before you could ask him what was going on you and Spencer just went back to talking about the blog, you both assumed that Hotch had asked Derek to consul on a case before it was brought up in front of the entire team. 

*****

“Kristie Taylor, runaway, drug addict, Reported missing from Farmington, New Mexico 3 years ago. Yesterday, she turned up off a freeway Outside of Rio Rancho.” JJ had begin debriefing the team about their new case.

“Sexual assault combined with ligature marks on her wrists and ankles.” Spencer stated reading off of the case file. 

“She was asphyxiated.” You shuddered as you stated that as you hand was brought up to your neck, you hated whenever victims died from this, thinking that one day it could be you. In the bedroom you were know as the kinky submissive type, completely different from the dominant personality you used at work. And one of the things that could always get you off was a little bit of breath play, choking, you just loved it when a man took complete control of you, when your life was in his hands.

Those hands, god you had to get over this crush on Spencer ever since he was shot you realized your feelings were more of the “I want you to absolutely destroy me”, then the overprotective family type that they other members of the team had for him.

Spencer shook you out of your thoughts as he mouthed to you “are you okay” you simply nodded your head “yes” and went back to listening to JJ talk about the case.

When you had tuned back in Rossi was talking about how “There are a lot of guys out there who like chains.” You giggled to yourself and girls too, you thought to yourself. Spencer was confused as to way the mention of chains made you giggle, but figured out the answer when he saw the way your pupils were dilated, the rising blush on your checks, and the way you bit you lip with desire. 

He blushed to himself, trying to get the imagine of you tied up in chains for him and only him out of his head. He cleared his throat and tried to get rid of the growing bulge in his tight pants.

Rossi asked JJ  “ Are we sure this is the same unsub?”

“Kristie Taylor's autopsy report also indicates a second connection between these victims.” JJ replied back to him

Spencer informing the team of the connection, “she was pregnant.” Flipping the case file closed as JJ said that she had just given birth, she was killed within minutes of giving birth.

You had a theory, “This unsub isn't your typical sexual sadist. Captivity and assault we've seen before. What we haven't seen is this signature-- The role he forces these women to fulfill before he kills them. Motherhood.” you told the team all of them looking shocked and terrified.

“Journalist William D. Tammeus wrote, "you don't really understand human nature "unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round "will wave at his parents every time around And why his parents will always wave back."

“So why would a sexual sadist make women carry his children?” Emily asked the team with absolute confusion as to the unsubs motive.

“Gary Heidnik kept a harem in a dungeon. His goal was to create a large family As a replacement for his own broken home.” Spencer answered then turned to look at you, you continued his explanation.

“Josef Fritzl kept his daughter in a cell in his own house, And they had several kids together.” 

You and Spencer were always like this, you guys were known to finish each others thoughts almost as if you too shared the same brain. It was absolutely sickening how adorable you two were with each other when you would get into your genius debates, rattling factoids about anything to prove which one was smarter. They were always wondering when you two would finally get together.

And to be honest you had finally had enough of the back and forth of the will they won’t they and you had decided (much to Penelope's constant nagging) that after this case you would finally tell Spencer how you felt, and fingers crossed, jump his bones.

***** The case had finally rapped up after what had felt like forever and you were glad to step foot back into the bullpen, determination coursing through your veins as you eyes landed on Spencer.

“Hey Spencie want to get takeout and do a movie night?, I’ll even let you pick out the first movie” You asked him hoping that he said yes, but he usually always did Spencer could never say no to the puppy dog eyes you were know to give him.

“That sounds amazing,” He replied as he laced your arms together walking you towards the elevator “your place or mine?”

“Yours” If this plan was going to end in the way you hoped it did you wanted it to be done at his place. You wanted him to take you on every surface of his apartment. You felt yourself getting wetter at the idea and before you even realized it Spencer was opening the car door for you to get in, you blushed as you thanked him for being such a gentlemen and got in the car.

*****

You had made your way to Spencer’s apartment without exciting yourself to much, in case he didn’t return the same feeling of attraction.

You sat on the couch as Spencer placed your usual order at your favorite Chinese restaurant. “It’ll be here in 20 minutes” he told you as he joined you on the couch and he set his crutches down on the ground you gathered up some courage to place your hand on his knee. 

“Does it still hurt Spencer?” You began to bring your hand up and down his leg in a teasing manner making sure not to put too much pressure on it. 

“Umm no-o not that much only when I-i try to put too much pressure on it.” Spencer didn’t know what you were trying to do but, he was hoping that you were finally going to tell him how you felt. 

“OK that’s good just tell me if this hurts” 

“If what hur...” Before he could finish his sentence you straddled yourself on his lap combing some hair that had falling in his face behind his ears. You smiled deviously as you felt his growing bulge resting at your core, you moaned at the sensation. 

And in that moment, Spencer had lost all control, the years of him holding in his feelings were finally able to be set free. He grabbed your chin bringing your face inches away from him. You felt his hot breath fan over your face, another moan escaping your mouth.

His pupils were extremely dilated, they were filled with lust and desire. “Is this why you wanted to do a movie night y/n, huhh?” He left one hand on your check as the other wandered down to your throat giving just enough pressure to make you a whimpering mess in his lap.

“Yes, Doctor” That’s all you needed to say to him before he captured your lips in a breathtaking kiss both of you moaning at the sensation of finally being together.

“That’s what I fucking thought.” Spencer manged to get out in between kisses.

Both of you exploring each others bodies like you both had dreamed about. 

His hands now harshly gripping your hips and grinding you against him. You ran your fingers through his lengthy curls, tugging at the ends eliciting several moans from him. He begin to work his kisses from your lips down to your neck leaving love bites in his wake, marking you as his.

With every kiss and bite you were a whimpering mess for him, grinding your hips against his, your core was pulsating and you needed him so badly at this point it hurt.

You finally began to undress each other, the want of him being inside of you taking over your body. You stood up to help remove his clothes making sure that you didn’t hurt his leg.

“Are you able to hold yourself up against a wall” You asked him with a smirk.

“Yes” 

You grabbed his hand and shoved him against the wall before getting down on your knees, you stripped yourself down to your bra and underwear. Spencer had to stop himself from practically cumming at the sight.

“You are so fucking gorgeous” He manged to get out in between moans as you began to palm his erection through his underwear. 

Finally having enough of teasing him you grabbed his underwear and dragged it down to his ankles, him kicking them off. You were shocked at the sight of him.

His tip was pulsating red with pre-cum as it rest against his stomach, you had never felt more aroused then you were in that exact moment you couldn’t wait any longer, you had to feel him.

You wrapped your hand around his erection, staring to stroke him gently. You stuck your tongue out as you drug it up and down his shaft, bringing it up from the base to the tip. You looked at Spencer, having a feeling that eye contact was a turn on for him, he moaned at the sight of you, which only egged you on even more. 

You finally wrapped your lips around the tip, giving it a kiss before you began to to take him in your mouth. You wanted Spencer to fuck your mouth and that is exactly what he did. You felt his grip on the back of your head tighten as he began to thrust rapidly into your mouth, you made sure to relax your jaw to allow him more room inside of you.

He guided your mouth up and down his length, him loving the control that you gave him. 

“You fucking love letting me you use that pretty mouth of yours. Fuck, it feels so good baby, you are taking it so well, like the good, slut that you are.” Between the praising and the degradation you were soaking wet and just dying to feel Spencer inside of you.

You loved that you were the only one to see him like this, the complete opposite of how he acted in work. He never cursed, he barely had the courage to take control. But, in this moment he was in full control and both of you were high off the feeling.

Spencer was so close to the edge as much as the idea of cumming down your throat excited him he needed to know hat it felt like to be inside of you first.

You pouted as Spencer yanked you off of him, dragging you up by the hair. You know stood practically dripping from how wet you were on shaky legs as he had to hold you up as he wiped the spit from your chin and the tears that fell from your eyes.

“As much as I wanted to cum into the pretty mouth of yours I think we would both enjoy it much more if I come in your fucking cunt.” Each word made you wetter by the second, he pushed your ruined panties to the side.

He started with two of those perfect and long fingers, that slipped with such ease inside of me, he roughly finger fucked me. He had to hold me up with one hand as we made out like horny teenagers.

As he pumped his fingers inside of me he began to rub my clit with his thumb, he could feel how close your were, the way you were clenching around his fingers, you had stopped kissing him to preoccupied with the feeling of his fingers deep inside of you. 

“Are you going to come for me, as I finger that tight pussy up against my apartment wall, for all my neighbors to hear. I want you to fucking scream my name as you moan. I want everyone to know who you belong to.” 

As soon as the words left his mouth, you came hard and quick a sting of curses and the doctors name falling from your lips. He never stopped his assault on your pussy, he kept pumping his fingers in and out of you as you came down from your high.

“Good girl, so fucking responsive to me and the real fun hasn’t even begun.”

He lead you to his bedroom him climbing up on the bed first carefully as to not hurt his leg, as soon as he was situated he told you to take off your bra and underwear as he patted his lap.

As soon as you straddled him he gripped your throat making your eyes roll to the back of your head, as his other hand guided his length into you. 

Your moans were echoing through the bedroom as he entered you, filling you to the brim completely stretching you out. “Fuck, you take my cock so good baby, so fucking tight.” He stated as he began to pound into you from below you ground your hips against him trying to keep up with his pace.

His hand still tighten wrapped around your throat he pulled you towards him capturing your lips in a kiss that seemed a lot softer compared to the situation that the two of you were in now.

“Fuck, Spencer you fill me up so good.” He moaned at your words only pulling you closer to him and thrusting deeper inside of you. You felt yourself coming closer to release as he groaned against your ear.

The hand from your throat was removed only to move to your bundle of nerves circling it, “I want you to come all over my cock baby, before I fill you up with my load. Understood?”

“Yes, Doctor.” 

“Come for me baby,” he pleads as he feels his release is close. A hot panting mess, you still managed to scream his name as you came.

Spencer wasn’t far behind you still thrusting into with such force, your pussy tightening around him added to his orgasm as he came deep inside of you.

“Oh, god, fuck that feels so good baby.” 

You two just sat there for awhile in pure bliss, both of you hot sweaty messes but neither of you cared. After a couple of minutes he pulled out of you you whimpered at the soreness that you felt, but knew that Spencer would take care of it for you. 

He gave you a quick kiss on the forehead before he hobbled (since he left his crutches in the living room) his way to the bathroom to grab a washcloth to clean you up, you flopped over onto your stomach feeling completely drained.

You couldn’t stop the giddy feeling that coursed throughout your entire body you had never thought this moment was going to happen, especially with a co-worker that you fantasized about on a daily basis. You had finally realized you were also madly in love with this man.

Unbeknownst to you Spencer had felt the same giddy feeling as he stood just there in the bathroom staring at his reflection in the mirror with a smile that spread across his entire face. He had to realized the love he had for you and couldn’t be happy then to tell you.

*****

“Some love stories aren't epic novels. Some are short stories. But that doesn't make them any less filled with love.”

- Carrie Bradshaw 

#spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #bau team

[mandibierly]

The moment TV's teen revolution truly began

Claire Danes in My So-Called Life, Lennon Stella in Nashville, and Kristy McNichol in Family. (Photo: Everett Collection)

Back in the late ’70s, a full decade before Marshall Herskovitz and his producing partner, Ed Zwick, would change TV by creating thirtysomething, they cut their teeth as writers on the aptly titled ABC drama Family. Created by Jay Presson Allen and exec-produced by Leonard Goldberg, Aaron Spelling, and Mike Nichols, it revolved around the Lawrences, a family from Pasadena, Calif. whose youngest child was Buddy — the character that would launch Kristy McNichol’s career and, inadvertently, help inspire the most influential teen TV series of all time.

When Herskovitz and Zwick tapped Winnie Holzman to create My So-Called Life, an authentic early-’90s drama centered on a teenage girl, Angela Chase (Claire Danes), they wanted to upend the rules they had to once abide by.

“We used to get notes [on Family scripts] from Len Goldberg, and there would be a line and it said on it ‘NOB.’ I remember asking, ‘What does NOB stand for?’ and it meant, ‘Not Our Buddy,'” Herskovitz tells Yahoo Entertainment. “They wanted her to be nice all the time, and they wanted her to be a good girl. I think there was this way in which teens, but especially teenage girls, were still seen as voiceless in the culture. And I think that was the thing that most motivated us when we were doing My So-Called Life, was to say, ‘These are people within our lives who need to be heard.'”

If Herskovitz’s memory is correct, one “NOB” scene had Buddy, who he notes was younger than 15-year-old Angela when the series began, talking back to her mother “too stridently.”

“Which is so funny to me,” he says, “because in My So-Called Life, Angela would scream at her mother. Basically, she wanted to kill her mother. So, certainly, there was a change.”

As part of our Why Teen TV Matters series, we spoke with Herskovitz, who’s now co-showrunner of CMT’s Nashville with Zwick, about the other shifts he’s witnessed in his 40-plus-year TV career.

The beginning

Wilson Cruz as Rickie and Danes in My So-Called Life. (Photos: Everett Collection)

Most people agree that the Teen TV genre didn’t even exist until My So-Called Life. “It’s funny, I used to talk about this with Ed Zwick all the time, that I would get very disturbed watching television as a child, because it in no way resembled what my life looked and felt like, and I couldn’t figure out who was crazy,” Herskovitz says, recalling that he found My Three Sons with Fred MacMurray particularly unnerving. “It’s in the nature of sitcoms to basically portray people as clinically insane: like one week they are completely obsessed with something, they start a business and they get the whole neighborhood involved, and it causes some horrible thing to happen, and the next week that’s completely forgotten and they’re doing something else. Because My Three Sons was mostly about these teenage boys, I found it to be utterly perplexing and disturbing.”

When he, Zwick, and Holzman, who had been a writer on thirtysomething, were brainstorming ideas for a new series, it was Herskovitz who initially suggested doing a drama focused on teens. “I had written a pilot for Showtime in the mid-’80s, when Showtime was just beginning, as a matter of fact, about a 17-year-old boy, and I found myself exploring issues that I had never seen on television before,” he says. “Most shows about teens on television [in the early ’90s, like Beverly Hills, 90210] were very exploitative about sexuality and meant to be titillating rather than inside the experience of what it meant to be an adolescent. What I said to Winnie was, ‘This is something that still interests me, what about you?’ And she said, ‘My God, this is something I think about every day.'”

ABC initially passed on the pilot and then never quite knew what to do with the show, right down to its loud MTV-esque promos. “They completely ignored the fact that the show was so introspective. And we kept telling them, ‘This is a show for grownups. Every grownup was once a teenager. You’re not getting what we have here,” he says. “And they just never believed in the show. In fact, it took two and a half years to do the 19 episodes that we produced. I remember Ed had made an appeal to [then network president] Bob Iger when they were talking about canceling the show, saying, ‘You should keep this show on the air because teenage girls have no voice in our culture and the show is giving them a voice.’ And the irony of that is so incredible now, 25 years later, because teenage girls have such a huge voice in the culture. I mean, look at the Parkland kid [Emma Gonzalez].”

Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students Emma Gonzalez, left, David Hogg, and Cameron Kasky raising their voices. (Photos: Getty Images, AP)

Like every showrunner who’s participated in our series, he’s been inspired by the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students. “I’m not the only person to think these kids are incredible. One of the things that strikes me is that, quite naturally, this group is so heterogeneous — there are boys and girls, and people of different ethnic backgrounds — and I find that so refreshing and lovely to see that it naturally happens that way. And also, how together they are, how much solidarity they have, how generous they are with each other. It’s an extraordinary moment, it really is,” Herskovitz says. “They have this extraordinary moral high ground. I mean, no one should have to be in fear for their life when they go to school. And it’s reaching the point now where every kid in this country is afraid for his or her life. You cannot not listen to these people.”

In 1994, My So-Called Life had an episode, “Guns and Gossip,” that deals with a gun accidentally going off in school — a cautionary tale that Herskovitz still sees as current. Gay student Rickie (Wilson Cruz) is being bullied so badly that he’s OK with people believing he’s the one who brought in the weapon because it might make them think he’s dangerous and scare them off. “It was really a multifaceted story about the pressures kids go through in high school, using this gun as the instigating incident, but really it was never about the gun,” he says. “What touched me most about that episode was the storyline about Brian Krakow, played by Devin Gummersall, who the principal decided he was going to browbeat into getting him to rat on whoever it was brought the gun. So it became a different kind of bullying, where the principal was bullying this kid and tried to intimidate him and scare him, and, finally, at the end, Brian stands up to the principal, and says, ‘You’re harassing me, and if you keep doing it I’m going to sue you.’ It was just a wonderful moment that I just love, where the kid found his voice and stood up to the grownup.”

Herskovitz’s favorite episode of the series is “The Zit,” a particularly poetic one written by Holzman based on Kafka’s Metamorphosis. “It’s about Angela having a zit that’s tormenting her the whole time — that somehow her entire life will be ruined by the fact that she has this huge zit on her chin — and, meanwhile, they’re learning about how, in the Kafka story, this guy wakes up as a cockroach,” he says. “It’s about how each kid’s image of themselves is so negative and tortured, and, also, untrue — and how they are being so done in by what they feel they have to be in order to fit into society. It’s such a remarkable piece of work.”

Jason Katims, the future showrunner of Friday Night Lights, Parenthood, and Rise who got his start in the My So-Called Life writers’ room, has cited the episode as an example of their goal: “to tell as little story as possible.”

“Honestly, we did not write that show in any way differently for teens. In other words, we wrote that show the same way we wrote thirtysomething,” Herskovitz says. “It was about teens, and so we were inside the experience of what it means to be a teenager, which means things are felt more intensely. There’s less context in which to help to get yourself off the ledge when you think something is horrible. But, really, it was the same approach, which is to say, ‘How can we honestly depict how people experience themselves in the world?’ And that’s a hard thing to do. It takes a lot of thought, and a lot of self-exploration, a lot of honesty, and I felt that that’s what Winnie was so brilliant at.”

Back to the future

Marshall and Zwick also created the family drama Once and Again, which ran on ABC from 1999-2002. Browse clips on YouTube, and you’ll be reminded of a storyline where teen Grace (Julia Whelan) grew very close to a teacher, played by Eric Stoltz. When we talked with The Vampire Diaries‘ Julie Plec, who worked on Dawson’s Creek for a time, she said someone might have to think twice today about doing a storyline like Pacey sleeping with his teacher. Herskovitz agrees. “But remember, in Once and Again, it never was fully realized. You understood that he had a crush on her and she had a crush on him, but it wasn’t about, ‘Oh, they’re going to have an affair.’ It was more about the idea that two people who are inappropriate to each other would still have feelings for each other, and I might still be interested in exploring that today,” he says. “I mean, I find the idea of exploring what can’t be, but what you still want is a part of human nature.”

  Human nature is also why he’d concur with Holzman, who told us looking back on MSCL through the prism of the #MeToo movement she has “no regrets” about the use of the bad boy trope — Angela’s crush on Jared Leto’s Jordan Catalano, who didn’t always treat her well. If characters are “neatly shorn of their problems, they’re not really gonna feel like people that you’re actually encountering,” Holzman said — and mistakes are how people learn.

“If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that it’s not necessarily the moment in the culture for men to say a lot about the #MeToo movement, so I think I should not say a lot,” Herskovitz begins, “but I will say that there have been many moments in my life where I felt the culture tried to simplify human nature or simplify the way humans should be in this world, and that has never interested me. … Men are complicated, women are complicated, there are bad people in this world, there are confused people in this world, and I’m only interested in exploring the entire universe that exists inside a human being — and part of that universe is dark, and part of it is light. I wouldn’t have any problem talking about a girl’s attraction to a bad boy today because that exists in human nature. I’m not saying it’s good or bad — I’m just saying it exists — and I would want to portray it as part of a developmental process because I think it is.”

Danes and Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano in My So-Called Life. (Photos: Everett Collection)

So many of the producers who’ve participated in this “Why Teen TV Matters” series told us that My So-Called Life was the show that first taught them the impact a series could have. That’s the reason the series may be the one Herskovitz feels proudest of having worked on in his career. “Twenty-five years later, to hear with some regularity how it influenced people, or how they felt in some way empowered by it, or just understood is a remarkable feeling, frankly. And I give Winnie all the credit. I mean, she made that happen, and I am just so happy to be able to help her bring that vision to the world,” he says.

In retrospect, he can even appreciate that My So-Called Life is “like the James Dean of television shows” — that in some way, it’s better that they only got to make 19 episodes. “Because it lives in this perfect memory of each one was a gem,” he says. “I’d like to believe that if we had done five seasons of it, it could have been still great, but there is something about it having died young that just adds to that feeling of specialness about it.”

He’s, of course, also proud of the equally groundbreaking thirtysomething, which ran from 1987 to 1991, and, in his words, “went right up to that envelope of how little story could you have and still fill an hour of television — because the less story you had, the more human interactions and moments of life that you could depict.” But he points to a movie he directed, 1998’s Dangerous Beauty, based on the true story of 16th century Venetian courtesan/poet Veronica Franco, as well.

“The idea behind this film was to explore the idea of women owning their own sexuality, and not being stopped by the chain and punishments that society so often forced on them,” he says. Though it wasn’t a blockbuster, it became a kind of cult hit on Netflix with women who considered it an anthem. “I was very proud of that, and I was actually very conscious while I was making it that in some way I was making it for my daughters, even though they were too young for it at the time,” he says. “The idea of them becoming women and navigating their own lives, I wanted to create a message of something that showed the possibility of liberation.”

Empowering young women is something he still strives to do on Nashville, with Lennon and Maisy Stella’s characters, Maddie and Daphne. Bringing us full circle, “There’s just an assumption on this show that these kids are going to speak their minds. There’s no pretense that they are going to be ‘ladylike,’ in some old-fashioned sense of what girls are supposed to be,” he says. “They argue with their father, they argue with each other, they just live their lives, and I love that. I love that they are fully realized in that way.”

My So-Called Life is currently streaming on Hulu. Watch all 19 episodes for free on Yahoo View. Nashville returns for the start of its final episodes June 7 on CMT.

Read more “Why Teen TV Matters” from Yahoo Entertainment:

Why ‘My So-Called Life’ is the most influential teen show ever

‘My So-Called Life’ and ‘Parenthood’ creators on Parkland teens ‘changing the conversation’ on TV and in real life

Show creator looks back at 4 decades of ‘Degrassi,’ from abortion to Drake

Joss Whedon on Parkland students: ‘I’ve been writing about kids like these for a long while. I thought I was writing fantasy.’

Why social media is the biggest issue teen TV should tackle

Why vampires aren’t as sexy in the age of #MeToo

#news #_revsp:wp.yahoo.tv.us #winnie holzman #_uuid:24257581-d085-3fc8-85cd-7f9410e3bc8a #abc #my so called life #nashville #why teen tv matters #marshall herskovitz #dangerous beauty #_author:Mandi Bierly #_category:yct:001000086 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000AE7lXEAT #interviews #jason katims #ed zwick

[antiikythera]

today in the shower (good job, I am now taking regular showers), I realized that I am also sad because I am so easy to leave. idk about how Bianca coped, but I felt like I was out of sight, very out of mind for Abby, and I rmbr feeling really sad that I lost so badly. I was struggling so much. as for Jenn, that was the easiest one so far cuz we barely lasted a month and we also didn't really ever do anything. plus I really really feel like she only used me as a crutch to find Eddie and get over Jesse. yes, I did feel insecure for a long time after it ended, but I know what helped a lot was taking up a new hobby (riding my bike), Emily, and working so much. finally, with Georgina, I am sad cuz this was her first ever relationship, and look at the difference of us coping. she's doing much better than me cuz she's with her friends and at school sufficiently distracted from me, while I'm in LA, living with my parents (but nothing wrong with needing to save money cuz I def need to), and being sullen and moping and crying when nobody's looking. the whole point of me writing this is that I'm unhappy that I am so easy to leave and bounce back from. but this is also bad of me to think cuz it's so selfish and egotistical. wasn't it my ego that landed me into this mess? me, thinking I was special enough to have her change her mind about me not being something long-term? ha

ha

ha

now I'm more and more inclined to believe what Kristi said about "not the right time" being "I don't have time for you" because that is exactly how I feel. and if this is the case, then it clearly shows to me that we weren't meant to be, now or ever. I don't like that thought. I like to be optimistic, not realistic, because hope gives me hope(duh), and I'm already a sad sort of person.

I really am embarrassed that I ever thought I was special enough. I feel dumb. maybe it was also because I finally started to love myself and see myself more highly. I don't want to be manipulative. I hate that because I know how awful it is. I will let go now, now that I can and am able to more.

I still believe that I'm not destined for the kind of happiness I want so desperately. right now, I honestly can't believe what my friends say that someone else will come along. yes, maybe, but I don't believe it will be worth it if it's just gonna end. plus I'm gay. how many other gayz have "settling down" in their minds? I have always been an all or nothing person. I can't do half efforts very well. and I'm sorry, I guess, for wanting to chase after the sign of ultimate happiness; forever. does nobody else think this way? I guess not. I see that I've advanced into the "anger" or "bitterness" stage of grief, but I'm just glad I'm going anywhere. it's been so hard. I've cried literally every day for a while. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one (Paola), bt I'm also sad that I'm always the one being more sad and struggling more to be ok again.

today I watched a Chinese drama with my grandma and it was the last episode. the girl ended up with the guy after he saved her from being kidnapped. well, she was the one who asked him if he wanted to be with her because she knows they have the same goals. if I ignore the super dramatic kidnap and just focus on the relationship part, I realized that the couple is probably at least 30 years old, they both see each other being in each other's lives, and they both still love each other. they both want it and make that choice to commit. so I will always be sad if the people I end up falling in love with don't want something in the equation. I hate to box up all the requirements, but it helped me finally understand what's missing.... I see now that the more time I spend with my family, the more open I am at the idea of getting married. I know it won't ever happen to me. at one point I did, maybe like six months ago. silly me. but now, no, and probably never, like for real now. I would be happy if there truly was someone who would choose me as I choose them. but even that I can't see.

so in the end, I think what I have to do is just accept the situation and move on. easier said than done. I am afraid that no matter what I/we say, it just won't be the same anymore. it will be the shell of what it once was. even my optimism with Jenn proved fruitless. we're not friends. we're just friendly. I still don't believe.

#thoughts