#i wanna learn how to make better stuff so i can avoid hurting people like this in the future you know

[softrozene]

Comforting Female Reader Who Has Experienced an Assault

Anon asked: Hey honey, I was too shy to ask off of anon... But do you think you could do some HC’s for the boys helping a f!reader who was previously sexually assaulted? I am having a really tough time right now. ( I am handling it all and I have people helping me too) it’s just really weird for me to deal with I guess Thank you sweet Ro!

rdr2 masterlist

I’m sorry to hear that stuff like that is happening to you but if you ever need someone to talk to just to vent or for advice you are always welcome to talk to me since I have experienced past sexual assaults and harassments. It’s always a no-judgment zone when talking to me fyi. Just remember everyone processes it differently but you are not alone and hopefully the people helping you are a strong support system.

I love you anon and I hope these make you feel better.

 I chose almost all the males I usually write for because they would all kill/die for the ones they love. 

Originally published on February 11, 2020

*Speaking to everyone who reads this: These can be taken as platonic relationships or romantic. Just know I am not romanticizing the issue. There will be solid advice. There will be dumb advice. These are after all my headcanons for how I think they would treat the issue with a fem!reader (I think with a male!reader they would act just a little bit differently. This is a sensitive topic so please read the warnings and just remember you are all loved.

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, fluff, mentions of past sexual assault

Hosea Matthews-

He would hear this from you directly

  Would be shocked before he drops everything in order to listen to you

  If you don’t wanna talk about it he won’t push you but he will hint that it may make you feel better

  If it happened all in the past he would piece together some of your tendencies that relate to the assault, what you tend to avoid and whatnot, and basically, he’ll help you so nothing at the camp will trigger you

  If it happened more recently he will try and urge you to tell him who it is so he can sick the boys on them, without your knowledge of course

  He’ll just say “It’s been taken care of Sweetheart. No need to worry about it.”

   Hosea is the most caring one out of them all and will constantly check up on you, see how you are doing/feeling, will get you whatever you want whenever you want, and more importantly will always put others in their place if he feels they are getting on your nerves or are crossing boundaries

  If you do daily talks he’ll always ask if it’s okay to hug you or hold your hand because he wants you to know desperately how much you mean to him and the gang

  If he sees you heading down the wrong path, he will pick you up without a doubt. Orders you to take care of yourself and if you don’t listen to him, he will send Arthur and John the most awkward boys in the universe to go and talk you into doing the stuff he told you to do

  He’ll do about anything you want in order for you to feel better and get past this traumatic experience

  “We can’t change what happened to us. That’s all in the past. However, we can change how it affects us now. How we’ll go on in the future. Turn this into something to make you stronger.”

  Dutch Van Der Linde-

  Will deadass go on a rampage after learning you’ve been assaulted

  All you have to say is that you got hurt by someone- He doesn’t need any details unless you want to fill up the rage he already has

  He will hunt down whoever they are no matter where they are with most of the gang by his side, it doesn’t matter how long ago it was, he wants to see that bastard/bitch who did this to you in the ground

  “And they will surely be dealt with” literally will be his words- Anyway after they are dealt with will he only focus on you

  He’ll be careful with you and probably the most annoying thing he can and will do is, treat you like glass

  It doesn’t matter anymore if this was in the past or more recently, he will make sure someone he trusts is by your side and preferably a woman so probably Miss Grimshaw

  Eventually, he will realize that he is overdoing it but he will give you one of his speeches saying it’s only because he worries about you

  You just gotta be upfront with him, tell him what you need and what you do not need, and he will fix himself after apologizing

  Expect a lot more gifts from yours truly

  By a lot, I mean a lot

  He will make it rain jewelry for you if it means you know how much he cares

  Can’t say that about the money though

  If it still lingers over you he will without a doubt, try and help you through the process of at least accepting what happened well happened

  “Try and focus on the now and make yourself better for the future” Or something along those lines would be his advice

  Arthur Morgan-

  Is a saint no matter what he says

  You would have to tell him face-to-face and rather bluntly that you were assaulted. If you hint at it, he may take a moment before he realizes what you mean

  He won’t act fast but he will sit down with you and have a talk with you

  Of course, he wants to act, his blood would be boiling at the thought of someone even touching you without your consent but for your sake, he will take a breather and wait until you are done venting to him

  He would treat you the same

  He wouldn’t necessarily tread lightly on certain topics unless he sees that it makes you uncomfortable and omg if one of the boys dares to mess with you he will be on their ass in a hot second

  Basically, he may hover but he won’t realize it since he’s treating you the same way as always

  It’s up to you as well to decide the fate of who hurt you

  If you want them dead, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

  If you want them beaten, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

  If you want them threatened, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

  If you don’t want anything done, he’ll just keep an eye on you and make sure you are faring well

  When he’s not at camp he’ll have Hosea, John, or one of the ladies keep an eye on you

  He makes sure that you know you can bother him for anything, he may be grumpy about it but he’ll do it just for you

  If you’re having nightmares or just can’t sleep you can sleep on his cot and he’ll stay with you until you do fall asleep

  If nothing works to make you feel better you bet your ass he’ll take you with him, on rides to town just to get you out and about

  His last resort is letting you see his journal- That’s how you know this boy genuinely cares about you because no one touches the journal

  “People are not so kind. But you are. What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t let that bastard/bitch put out your light. I care ‘bout ya.”

  Charles Smith-

  He would be the most understanding like Hosea

  Would make sure that you are in a safe space mentally before he allows you to vent

  Will reassure you that you are safe no matter what but he will want to get back at this person

  It usually goes against his code for killing but he cares about you and no one deserves to get hurt like that so he will take time out of his day (probably go gather Arthur) and go and kill this person

  Whether you wanted that or not he would have convinced you this person would probably have another person to prey on soon enough

  Speaking of, he will remind you that you are not a victim but a survivor

  He’ll be there for you all the way

  If you need some company he’s there for you even if you don’t want to talk

  Charles can and will be your rock if you need it

  He’ll help pick you up and depending on if it’s okay with you, tell a selective few what happened so they can also help you

  It may be cheesy but I can see Charles in this scenario making you say positive things about yourself in order to ward away the negative thoughts

  “Repeat after me. I am a strong woman. I am resilient. I am a tiger.”

  May or may not be making fun of Mr. Pearson at the last one in order to get you to laugh

  Either way, he’ll make sure you to feed you positive lines almost every day

  If you need to get out he’ll take you on nature rides and remind you out beautiful the world is despite how cruel the people are

  He won’t exactly hover but he will be constantly glancing your way at camp to make sure you are all good

  Tells you venting is actually good without needing to hear the advice

  I forgot to mention it in the others but, all these males will make sure you know self-defense. They give you tips and tricks with each weapon of their choice that way no one will mess with you again

  You can always rely on Charles to give you good advice though. Understands that sometimes you just need someone to rely on so you know you’re not alone

  “I know you. You are strong and beautiful. Don’t give anyone the power to doubt yourself. Only you have that power.”

  John Marston-

  Is fucking awkward when it comes to this kind of thing

  He will 100% see red as soon as you tell him and no matter what no one but Arthur, Dutch, and Hosea can stop him from going after the person who hurt you (and those three will join him tbh)

  He is not the best to talk to about this so he’s okay if you just need the company

  May take you to a saloon and get you a drink or two just to ease you, will not give you more

  Honestly, I see John as completely awkward and not knowing what to do for this situation. He’s at a loss and if the problem (the person) has been dealt with wouldn’t know how to help you

  He would go ask the girls how to cheer you up or make you feel better, go to Hosea would be a better option and would finally just ask you what you need and how so you don’t get stuck in your PTSD

  Though he may understand but not in the way that is relatable. He’ll understand the nightmares and such but he won’t understand if you fear that person because his situations have always been near death

  He will desperately try to understand you though

  Will send Jack your way if that kid can cheer you up

  “Well fuck, y’know I always have your back. Just- I um don’t let ‘em get to you.”

  Javier Escuella-

  This man would have no idea what to say at first

  It’ll take him a minute to register before he asks if he can hug you- mostly to reassure himself that you are physically safe

  Once that is done and over he will get straight to business and ask what you need

  Murdering the person would cross his mind tbh but he’s too focused on you that he won’t ask till much later

  If you need to clear your mind he’ll take you fishing, show you how to fish and have Hosea come along so it’s all positive vibes

  He’ll write some songs and lullabies for you and serenade you to show you how much he cares

  I honestly think Javi bottles everything up when it comes to himself so he’ll be more than happy to talk to you about your PTSD or share stories and even his own past if he deems it right by you

  He would gut whoever you want like a fish for you btw

  “Hermosa, you’re strength inspires me”

  And it truly does

  It takes a lot of guts to admit and accept what’s happened and even more to want to reach out for help

  Javier would admire that and remind you whenever you need to hear it

  Sean Macguire-

  Ahaha if you thought John or Dutch had a short fuse for this- The minute he finds out he’s already spouting nonsense of them meeting their demise

  And if you allow it or they are not dead he will surely make them have a terrible death

   He would risk getting caught by bounty hunters again if that were the case

  As for comforting you, this boy doesn’t exactly know how to do that

  He laughs off his own traumatic experience so he’d probably be trying to get you to crack a smile or drink with him

  Homeboy would try and get you to kill some bloody people for the fun of it ngl

  Hopefully, his energy will rub off on you

  I don’t really see him as the sitting down type but if he cares about you he is more than willing to listen to you and also more than willing to give you unwanted advice and a shite ton of his opinions

  “Yer fuckin’ priceless. No mutherfucker hassa right to touch ye.”

  He will end the speech with something gory I bet

  *I was going to add Keiran and Lenny but I ran out of ideas but I hope the lovely lads I did write and their reactions/comfort help anyone who needs it

#softrozene writes #rdr2 x reader #red dead redemption 2 x reader #hosea matthews x reader #dutch van der linde x reader #arthur morgan x reader #charles smith x reader #john marston x reader #javier escuella x reader #sean macguire x reader #angst/comfort

[saltydkdan]

Are the JoJo's icebergs fun to work on? They look like a blast to edit and write! (If a bit of a large workload)

The Jojo Iceberg has been... interesting. On one hand yes! It has been a blast to work on in some senses! It taught me a lot about writing, and research, while also allowing me the freedom to experiment with editing and injecting my humor into scripted stuff in a more organic way. I feel like with each chunk of the series I've posted thus far, I've shown more and more confidence over time.

Plus you are right!! Once the audio editing is done, working on visual edits and gags is a blast. Sure it takes time, but I have a weird love for making smooth video edits for people to watch (even though like 50% of the people that view those videos probably just listen to em like a podcast without looking at it haha).

So that sort of stuff, yes! That's been a blast, and I've learned a TON that I'd never take back for the world!

However on the flipside, logistically this project was a nightmare from day one LOL. And this is the part where I try to dissuade anyone from EVER working on a longer project like this because god damn it's been a pain at times.

Keep in mind, the script (as it stands) is nearly 200 pages. That is the longest scripted work I've ever helped write in my entire life, and when I started I was NOT that experienced as a writer whatsoever. I'm a bit better now, but at times I still struggle.

I made the horrible decision to never put a cap on the script. For every new fact I learned, even if it wasn't a part of the original plans for the video, I would add it to the pile. No matter what it was. I was committed to making it as long as I thought it needed to be, not as long as it probably SHOULD have been to get done in a reasonable amount of time.

I did all this for a deep passion for the source material, and even after the final part comes out early this year, I plan on going back and correcting the very few mistakes or miswordings I had in the original videos when I put them all together in one MEGA video.

But that passion for Jojo is a blessing and a curse, and I hadn't realized how long a project like this would take me amidst all the other big projects like Friendlocke and HYHA.

Full disclosure, the script was first started in December of 2020. That's nearly 3-4 YEARS AGO by now. If I knew that putting all this together would take that long, I probably wouldn't have committed to it in the way that I did. In that time, I probably could have put out a TON of shorter stuff, but I was so committed to this that I just didn't and that very much hurt my channel in the long term.

Though to be real, I haven't worked on it consistently, I tend to jump on and off between projects to avoid burnout. However still, by the time it's all done, the Jojo Iceberg combined together will most likely be the longest piece of content on my channel (yes, potentially longer than Friendlocke Season 3, I estimate that it'll probably come out to around 6 hours in length if I don't cut anything down).

It's because of this that after this is all out there? I plan to NEVER tackle something this long ever again. Friendlocke and Jojo have drained my bones, and all I wanna do these days is work on shorter stuff. Though I guess in that sense, this project has really helped teach me a lot about the sort of stuff I want to make. So in a way, even the negatives have positives! There's always something you can take away with, even if your experience had some downsides.

Looking at such a long script and doing some math, it's made me realize that like... damn. I could DEFINITELY do shorter videos way more consistently in the future. And so that's what I plan to do :)

So yeah! Some positives and negatives. But overall, I learned a lot and that's all I could ever ask for.

Thanks for your question! Have a good one!

#saltydkdan #salty asks #jojos bizarre adventure

[mossymandibles]

So I absolutely love your world building and neat as hell monster characters (Kraws design is just peak character design oh my lord)

And after scouring your entire blog to learn as much as I could, there's still so much I wanna know! How did Kraw come to adopt Gen? What happened to her eye? (I'm not sure if you've already explained what happened? Maybe I missed that detail)

Oh man, thanks! Glad to hear you like the dragon dad. And I’m sorry, I feel like my blog is very vague and unorganized as far as world building stuff goes, compared to others. Plus there’s a lot of outdated old art/storyline stuff that I’ve changed is still on here 😅 But happy to hear you enjoy it!

I have answered a similar ask about Kraw and Gen here. But lucky for you! I love to over explain things and I feel like I want to give a little more insight to Gen’s situation this time because I don’t think it’s spoiling anything too much. I honestly don’t know when I’ll get around to making little comics like I’ve wanted to in order show how she came about.

Gen has only told Kraw that she is from a city called the Fever. She remembers her friends from the city and that the Ladder was coming for them. She remembers falling into the ocean and seeing the giant eye. She couldn’t remember how she got aboard his ship, or how long she had been adrift at sea before then.

She wakes up in Sylvaine’s infirmary, where Kraw takes her after he finds her on his ship. Kraw distinctively remembers getting chills when he sees Genevieve again after Sylvaine nurses her back to health. He felt he was looking a completely different child in the eyes. She gets upset and doesn’t like to be pressed further or asked more questions on the matter, so Kraw slowly gives up, only knowing that she comes from the Ladder’s main facility. Most people of Marrowtide Isles like to avoid anything having to do with the Ladder if they can. He only hopes that it doesn’t mean that they’ll come looking for her.

She inherited her mug by unwittingly stealing/absorbing the most important energy source to the Ladder. She got away with some slight hemorrhaging, an occasional voice in her head and a strange growth on her face that Sylvaine classifies as ‘fungal’; an understatement to give Kraw peace of mind perhaps. Besides appearing to have a way with beasts, it gave her some other far more ghastly abilities, a few that only Kraw has been privy to seeing and seems keen on keeping a secret or even downright ignoring for the time being.

After some failed attempts to get rid of her (a dreadful incident with an orphanage and pissing Sylvaine off once or twice) she seemed to keep finding her way back to Kraw. Despite his initial reluctance and a possible fear of her, he found her endearing in some ways.

He notices that she seems to have a keen eye for math and helps him with heftier reading since he’s mostly illiterate. She also has way better people/negotiating skills when helping run the shop he has on the side when fishing season is slow. She didn’t seem to have anyone else and had latched onto him quite tightly, so he grew used to the idea of taking care of her. It surprises most people but Kraw is actually pretty good with kids. He’s just never raised his own until now. The absolute child-like disregard she seems to have for the detriment she could cause just makes her all the more interesting to him in a sense. Maybe he feels a child like that needs someone to look after them so they don’t end up causing world-ending chaos? If he can make her happy before whatever unknown future comes for her then he’ll feel he has a purpose for once that isn’t for profit or hurting others. However, raising a whole ass kid who has already been through life’s ringer isn’t as easy as he thought it’d be of course. Lol. Lmao.

#asks #Genevieve #kraw #monster dad #hallowed carrion #hallowed carrion lore #yaaay a little genevieve backstory #i want to make the comic of how they met sooo bad #but there’s sooo much and it has to be p e r f e c t #someday

[violentviolette]

My bad if you've already answered this, but how do you go about not masking around those you consider/want to be truly important people? Like, it seems in my head difficult to go from "polite friendly person who is clearly mentally average and a nice chap" to "Hi names JoeBob, actually I literally cannot properly care about anyone you care about to the extent I know you want, and honestly can't quite care about you to that extent either, wanna be homies? Oh also I've faked like 90 percent of any emotion of showed you, have fun reassessing everything," ya dig?

generally speaking, i dont mask socially in environments where i might make friends in order to just avoid this issue entirely. so like, i mask at work and at family functions, but if i go to hangout with new people or to an event and the intention is to make actual friends, i just dont mask from the start. i feel that helps mitigate a lot of annoyance and also helps to quickly identify people who i know will understand and respect my limitations but if ur in a situation where u met someone while masking but now want to get closer to them and unmask, then its easiest to do it gradually and just be very upfront but not rude. like i think a lot of people underestimate how much word choice can help make a situation less awkward. cause like saying "i cant and will never care about u but lets be friends" is obviously never going to go over well and isnt even very true or accurate in the first place. but phrasing it not so hostile or aggressively is a lot more reasonable, something like "im not a very emotional or emotive person by nature, but people dont really react kindly to that so i tend to overperform emotions when i first meet someone. but once im more comfortable with ppl i tend to mellow out and show way less. it doesnt mean i suddenly hate u, im just getting more comfortable and being more true to my actual self" or stuff like "i dont really have the capacity to care deeply about people i dont know, and even ones i do know and care about, my feelings never reach as deep a place as other peoples. that doesnt mean i dont respect and like u or that i'll suddenly start treating u poorly. its just that my care is going to look very differently from a nuerotypical person"

its really just dozens and dozens of small conversations about urself where u dont lie about it. its an ongoing conversation. usually these kinda come up naturally when ur getting closer to people and learning more about eachother. but u can also sit someone down and have a more formal conversation. like "hey so ive got some stuff going on with my brain, heres how it works and what i am and am not capable of. i like to be upfront about it with people i wanna get closer to so there arent misunderstandings or hurt feelings when i dont react or respond the way ppl expect. i think ur really cool/fun/ect. and i wanna get closer and become better friends so i wanted to have this conversation so we could understand eachother better and i can be more authentic with u going forward"

the biggest thing imo is to frame it from a positive place because it is a positive thing. u respect and like this person, theyre important to u and u want to be genuine with them so that u can get closer in a real and healthy way. but u also need to be true to urself and ur own limitations in order to do that. and so coming at the conversations from that place usually helps a lot. and if the other person is chill and a geuine friend, usually they understand and they work with u. they respect where ur boundaries are and understand what u cant give, while appreciating and enjoying what u can together.

#jack.speaks #aspd #cluster b #cluster b pd #cluster b personality disorder #actually antisocial #npd #bpd #npd safe #masking

[clambuoyance]

I love Kon but one think that really annoys me abt the comics is that they never acknowledged how messed up it was that he was dating older woman (Tana, Knockout) as a 16 year old. Does Kon even know it was wrong? WHERE WERE ALL THE ADULTS IN HIS LIFE WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING!!

ugh yeah, i know his solo comic is not the only case of this happening, but its why i avoided reading his solo for a while (and why i prefer the latter half of his solo and his yj comics instead). and why im glad thats one thing we left in the 90s. so okay this is about to get into some fucked up things and general ranting about completely unnecessary comics bullshit so tw: grooming, p*dophilia, SA

So yeah, as much as I love him and his comics, i do have a lot of criticism for his solo. (but there are a lot of issues i do like so ill try to make a list of my faves one day)

in his solo comics, kon dates this 23/24 yr old reporter named Tana, and later has this brief fling with a villain named Knockout. And kon's character is obviously meant to be the "cool teen" which i guess in the 90s meant being into older women. That, or the writer is pushing his weird fantasies onto him, which happens quite a lot with comics (Idk comic book romances are usually so weird to me they push for really strange stuff). At the same time though, there was a letter i read from a reader at the time that expressed concern over letting kon date older women, bc they were worried his feelings would get hurt, as well as question why no one has really taken kon under their wing, so there were definitely people in the 90s that thought that shit was weird as fuck. But I also saw a recent comment from a dude that didn't bat an eye at it which says a lot about that guy like come on dude we r in the 2020s :/

Anyways, the thing with Tana frustrates me because it was such a missed opportunity for an interesting female character of Hawaiian ethnicity and they could have easily made her Kon's age and make her like a member of the highschool's newsclub or something, but the writer had to fuck it up and make it weird...Kon can be uncomfortably flirty in this era of comics, but the fact Tana returns it and even acknowledges their age difference and still pushes for it is even more uncomfortable. She even says she feels more like his mom at one point and even reports on his school activities. I mean when Kon is first introduced, she expresses concern that the news outlet is just taking advantage of him bc he doesn't know any better, and her boss says she's doing the same, but then she grows to care more about kon as a person :/ She only breaks up with him after his operation that gets him stuck at 16 for a while, because she doesn't wanna date a dude that will never grow up or mature, which is fucked up to me bc he is 16 of course he's immature T-T

But at the same time, this was never weird to the writer's mind, so he writes Tana as being superboy's guiding figure that sort of helps him learn about morals and about being a person. So she's still very important to him, i just wish it didn't have to be so WEIRD.

(Tangent, and not at all exclusive to superboy comics, but I truly do hate how women in 90s comics, especially those that are not white, are treated as 'exotic' almost, and while Tana was wrong for dating a teen, i also blame the writer in the treatment of her character, even if there were other Hawaiian characters present that I did like like Sam and Hillary)

Of course, the Knockout situation is like 10x more fucked up, because Tana was at least kind and caring to him, but Knockout straight up manipulates him. This one is even more uncomfy so i'd skip over #23-31 (tw for SA) if you wanna avoid it, but it does affect Kon a lot after. I think the writer was trying to lean into the "rebel bad boy" schtick by making Kon get swept up by a hardcore fury. They do have other characters address the situation, but they point out that it's bad to hang with a villain and run from the law rather than point out how he's being taken advantage by someone older than him. In this arc, Mae Kent/Supergirl says he's unworthy of being a Super, and he almost believes it. The ending to this arc is really intense tbh, bc kon slowly realizes how wrong it all is after knockout tries to get him to kill a person. he goes to confront her and she literally attempts to SA him, but instead they have a showdown in which kon attempts to drown the both of them in order to stop her, before saving her instead because he can't kill her (he never kills and shows empathy towards his antagonists). he's clearly shaken up by it, but the comic writes that he's mostly shocked that people could ever act like that, again never explicitly saying that her being older or sexually using him was fucked up, just that her being a villain was fucked up. But this arc did serve to show kon fight for what’s right and show that he is worthy of being a super, and that he’s lost some of his innocence but not his faith in good

anyways, i highly doubt any of this will ever be addressed in canon, bc as time goes on with comics, side characters such as these fade away to the point where they might not even have played a part in a character's life, so who knows. not only that, but this sort of stuff is just casually thrown into comics in general and barely ever addressed again? id like to say its only a 90s thing but ive read some 2000s stuff with other characters have weird shit too.

i think the closest thing you're ever gonna get is this panel of serling, who is kon's age and probably the only love interest i actually kinda liked, telling kon that she understands the feeling of meeting someone who's seen and done it all (like say, an older person) and how exciting that can be for someone like her and kon who have never really experienced real life, only to realize that there's often something far darker underneath. again, not explicitly stated enough imo, but its there and does imply why Kon got so easily taken advantage of and that he does realize on some level that it was wrong . (i could be missing other panels that address it but idk i just remembered this one mostly)

So yeah, sorry for rambling. it's just a very messed up situation. i do think it's weird that none of the adults stepped in and watched out for him more, but at the same time, the writer clearly didnt see the need to.

i don't blame people for ignoring it or leaving it out in their canons, bc you can still explore the "being taken advantage of" from different angles that aren't as uhhhhh gross but yeah that’s that sorry for the rant 😭

At least his appearances in yj comics are much happier ☹️

#superhero comics stop putting ur characters into weird romances challenge #not kon but there are some parts in red robin or robin that also make me similarly uncomfy #kon el #clam answers #dc

[scrumpylikesthings]

I’ve been sitting with my feelings on this for a couple of days now and think I wanna talk about it. 

I tried out SudoWrite. I was curious so I just poked around for 10 minutes or so. I put in a paragraph of Meat Cute and had it do a predictive next sentence. Then variations on a sentence. I put in a rough outline of Meat Cute, rough descriptions of David and Micah, and let it run a full outline, full character descriptions, all the way to writing the first chapter. 

It was bad. It was cringey bad. It was so gawd awful bad. 

And yeah it did make me feel a little better about my own writing, but it really bothered me. It hurt. It really upset me. I went in thinking it would be funny haha or maybe even a little helpful, mostly expecting just a waste of time, but damn. I was not expecting that gut punch. 

I can’t quite place it either. Maybe it was seeing my characters get skewed or seeing them written so horribly. Maybe it was looking at this bastardization of my own work. Maybe the cringe was just that cringey.

Maybe it was bigger. Maybe it was looking at a brand new way to pump out swill and drivel for mass production and publication and turning my craft into another consumerist vehicle. Another tool for contrepreneurs to exploit and cut out the underpaid ghost writer entirely. 

Or maybe it was the way it felt like a mathematic formula. It felt exactly how it was: feeding my raw materials into a machine, pulling the lever, and getting the distilled grey cube at the end of the conveyor belt; like a Looney Tunes. That it took the magic out of writing, the romanticism of crafting prose, the feeling of learning and growing and creating and evolving as an artist. It was sterile. Maybe seeing these characters that I’m invested in (probably way too invested in) get turned into these antiseptic cardboard cutouts hurt on an irrational and personal level. 

I had these kind of feelings years ago (before I started writing fic) when I knew I wouldn’t be able to sell the stories I was writing, that I would never make money as a writer, that the stories I was working so hard on weren’t up to snuff with the market. I HATED thinking like that. It hurt to think like that. That while I was creating stories I wanted to be writing, I was still thinking about other people. And this AI bullshit feels exactly like that: making stuff for other people. 

I can see a way it’d be useful for someone; someone who might be stuck in writer’s block or need help with their outline or can’t figure out how to word a sentence. But I have the shower for that. I have long walks and music and friends I can talk things out with. 

I’m still upset and shook and riled about this. I think I’m just going to avoid AI generators and news about them. Just not think about it unless it forces me to.

I recommend avoiding SudoWrite. Its not worth it. 

Anyways, cringe under the cut:

I cannot tell you how much I HAAAAAATE mirror descriptions. . . buzz cut 42 year old. 

I . . . I just. . . 

im dead  Weirdly enough, it got that it takes place in Ohio right. Guess you can take out the art, but you can’t take out the Ohio. 

#scrumpy bitches #ai hell

[eeriesnow]

Erin tell me the thing. The representation/trope thing. Tell me.

AIGHT SO. There's quite a few things I wanna see more of in media so here's some~

Something I'm putting as a main theme into Cast Long Shadows that I really enjoy writing is the pairing of neurodivergency and trauma. Like, thankfully more stuff these days includes multiple nd/nd coded characters that aren't there for token purposes, but it's not really present in more serious media. It can be profoundly traumatic to have a parent or society reject the fundamental way in which you experience the world, and even analogizing it seems like really good material for writing to me. But also positive rep or even subtle stuff is great too. TOH is doing a good job with that I think. but it would be cool to see it more, where characters that are nd are treated not as burdens or geniuses, their traits aren't mocked, but we just learn about how someone can experience existing a little differently. This is definitely not in reference to she-ra

Y'know what I wanna see less of? Redemption arcs. And somewhat related to that are brief trauma arcs. There's like a handful that I really do enjoy - there's the zuko classic, idk if peridot counted as redemption but I still feel like that was one of my favorite villain -> friend shifts I've seen, it felt much more human than a lot of other ones. But frankly if a character has done bad shit, yknow there's other things to do with them than redeem them to the people they directly hurt, particularly since these arcs feel more rushed and less genuine by the day. Related to that, rushed trauma arcs annoy the shit outta me. YES, ptsd can get better with time, but it's always with you. you don't give yourself a pep talk one day and suddenly you don't get the severe symptoms you were having a few hours ago. Either take your damn time and have care or just don't write a trauma arc. there is no such thing as a good and brief trauma arc. REGARDING THESE TWO I'd like instead to see characters dealing with trauma their entire arc, which can be concluded with some amount of healing. Which refers to pretty much all of my characters who have trauma. As for redemption arcs, I'd really rather nastier bitches be cut out of their victims' lives. I wanna make a point of saying that they don't get to make everything about themself because they did shitty stuff. Nah cut that bitch off. let em die, let em move on and find happiness elsewhere, let em be sad in their basement idc. As for personal examples, I can say that in general i tend to avoid redemption arcs altogether and let people get what's coming to them, but that is also a big thing in Cast Long Shadows, deciding between reconciliation with those who have hurt you or saying "fuck off, you hurt me in a way you cannot even imagine. you have broken off a piece of me that i will never get back, it is not my responsibility to make you feel better about the pain you have intentionally caused".

MAN THIS ONE'S LONG AND IT'S ONLY TWO. kinda three ig. I also like characters slowly turning into monsters and tired depressed immortals, which can be found in most of my stuff too.

#ask

[mochipon-vt]

i just wanna say to the vtuber space (and ig any online or otherwise space), mostly bc i saw a post from someone on twitter saying how bad the vtuber space is RIGHT NOW but this goes like.. as a general rule ALL the time: u have GOT to curate ur spaces.

the online/content creator/streamer/vtuber space/communities is not any different than it's ever been. there is ALWAYS going to be drama, bad/hot takes from people too terminally online to think critically on any matter ever, inevitable parasocial relationships, people who for some reason think they can dictate what counts as a 'real vtuber' (or creator) or not and unfortunately, frequent call-out posts bc for some reason we've gotten to the point where people can't resolve or step away from things behind the scenes anymore and think it's a better idea to rally their fans to 'resolve' issues.

PLEASE. make your space fit for YOU. it doesn't matter what space ur in online or irl, if something feels negative and harmful, u have got to learn how to not allow it within your space or correct behaviors of ur own to not engage with stuff that doesn't feel beneficial.

stop doomscrolling socials; there's always drama in one form or another and socials are preying on u via rage baiting or drama baiting to get u worked up enough to engage with it. it. will. burn. u. out. i promise. (i had to step away from tiktok bc it's so toxic it was eating my life away and making me feel awful.. i miss the fun but it's so Yuck).

be wary of who u associate with. i would think by now it's fairly well known there's a lot of bad actors within content creator spaces (quite frankly, i've not had many 1 on 1 interactions with a lot of other creators and just about ALL of them have been bad..) don't blindly trust anyone and everyone and don't ignore even the smallest red flag if something feels off about someone. there's been far too many abusers and creeps in these spaces to not be wary of even the nicest appearing people.

please, PLEASE do not pay attention to people's rude, negative and nonsense comments. if ur not doing anything that's harmful or hurting urself or others, who fucking cares what kinda vtuber u are, what opinions u have about this or that, what things u like or dislike OR IF UR SINGLE OR NOT. there are NO RULES to how u create ur vtuber or space. do whatever is fun for u and brings u joy. i promise u, there is an audience out there for EVERYONE. don't try to squish yourself in a box to cater to people who don't care enough about u to even be kind. ignore them, block them and move on.

don't bring any further attention to them bc often that's exactly what they want and in this environment where no one knows how to NOT DOX, HARASS AND THREATEN PEOPLE, even if u think ur community could never be capable of that, there's always gonna be at least one person who might not be so obviously reasonable enough to not attack someone else for negative comments online. unless ur being actively threatened, just don't engage, don't bring attention to it, move on.

that goes for any interaction ur not comfortable with as well. u do not have to put up with people who don't make u feel safe and comfortable. it doesn't matter if what they did was a 'little' offense or not, u can block them if it makes u comfortable. (this is something i struggle with sometimes as well bc i'm too nice to people;) this obviously includes parasocial relationships as well.

unfortunately, i'm not sure if there's a perfect answer for avoiding parasocial relationships other than often reminding ur community that u do not want to be viewed or interacted with that way but that of course is not a guaranteed deterrent. really, all anyone can do is hope they're doing their best to communicate well and staying safe.

everything else that was mentioned was basically the cost, time and effort it takes to be a vtuber and really, any kind of hobby/content creation is going to take all of these things. if u want to be a video creator or editor, if u want to be an artist making videos or gallery content, if u want to do cosplay/pottery/metalsmithing/skateboarding/photography etc, everything is going to cost at the very least the price of materials or equipment plus whatever extra u want to use to make ur particular content 'unique'. programs, assets, editing labor from others, etc.

video and streaming content is probably on the higher end of expensive hobbies but that's bc u need good/a lot of equipment to handle running a stream, games, a camera, interactive programs, (for vtubers) a model; not to mention if ur not an artist and want a good/higher end model/assets/overlays and tracking, models and tracking equipment gets very expensive the more professional u get.

with all that being noted, pls know.. by no means is a lot of money needed to START vtubing. don't be fooled into thinking anyone who's established or well off today started that way. EVERYONE started with low cost or budget things and many, even multiple channels till the one they have currently stuck. if it's something that interests u and u feel capable of handling negative experiences when they happen (bc they will happen but i promise, u get better at handling them and standing up for the values of ur space) don't be deterred by veterans in the space saying how bad the environment of it all is 'currently'. it can be very fun/rewarding when u get to a point of familiarity and 'success' (whatever defines success for u).

the nature of any online spaces have always been and always will be the way it is (the internet is HUGE; this one teeny tiny isolated bubble in it's particular problems and drama compared to everything outside of it), u just have to figure out a way to separate urself from the negatives and curate ur specific bubble of space to ur liking and hold ur audience and followers to the same standards.

if the cost and work it takes to do this seems like it's not for u but u already participate in enjoying others for entertainment, pls make sure to give them a lil extra appreciation bc it IS a lot of work at times. setting up and troubleshooting fun things for interactivity alone is a lot of work but also if someone is working on failing or faulty equipment and still trying to keep things going for y'all, it can be really draining and stressful to depend on unreliable equipment interfering with plans and schedules.

as for whoever was upset on twitter over things, i am truly sorry they feel stressed and burnt out from what they do. i think some of it is a collective 'online too much and the nature of socials is forming bad habits in everyone' and just a 'it's okay to take breaks sometimes. it doesn't have to be grind, time all the time'. obviously that becomes a bit more difficult to come to grips w/ if u rely on vtubing for income but breaks are needed nonetheless.

but i don't think it's the 'space' of anything being the definitive 'bad' (yes, there is a lot of bad happening all the time and it should not be but if anyone waited for the collective cleansing of online as a whole before they did anything, no one would ever start anything bc it's not going to happen) bc i don't see much different in how things are/now than any other spaces at any other time.

i, personally, simply cannot take seeing call-outs and drama coverage of some new abusive creep in the space every single day and i choose to try to stay out of it as much as i can (other than becoming familiar with names that may need to be avoided) bc it does pull u down a rabbit hole of anxiety and despair to see so much yuck happening within a space that u want to be positive, wholesome and fun.

anyway, i thought i'd just say something on this cos it's not the first time i've seen people say 'THE VTUBER SPACE IS BAD' bc of xyz but it's the same stories u see all over. the internet is just oversaturated and bad. manifest and maintain your peace and have fun

#vtuber #envtuber #vtuber uprising

[safyresky]

Real talk, is ao3 better? Should I remove my story from ffnet and post it on ao3 instead to get better traction?

Honestly, it's really hard to say! I certainly don't have a definitive answer for you. Personally I think the whole ao3/ff dot net situation is very much up to each user's personal preferences, so I'll share my thoughts and maybe that'll help you make a decision that you're happy with?

I will say, that though I am crossposting, I am NOT going to be taking down my stories from ff dot net. Unless I make them original work and then have to bc LEGALITIES or whatever, lol.

See, the thing is people do still use ff dot net! And a lot of stories exist there that don't exist on ao3! And a lot of people don't use ao3! That's why I keep mine up there and have been updating on both platforms as best as I can :)

In terms of which is BETTER, that all depends on user experience, lol. For posting, I'm finding that I really like ao3! I'm a HUGE FAN of how the update interface works--the separation of Notes from the actual text, the tagging system, and how easy it is to pop in and edit post-posting a new fic/chapter/whatever :)

For reading, while ao3 is easier on the eyes and has 0 ads, I have a very hard time dealing with the huge amount of filters. ESPECIALLY since the sections for media also include the crossovers. I like the ff dot net separates the crossovers from the regular non-crossover fic automatically!

Of course, this is a LITTLE pet peeve of mine lol and the first thing I do in any category when searching for fic is filter OUT crossovers, and then the more intense M rated tag-esque stuff that I personally am not a fan of (though some people do like that and that's a-okay! What's gr8 about ao3 is that there's no like, ban on what you can write. It's not censored, that's the word I'm looking for! Another pro to ao3 if you wanna write some nitty-gritty angst or dark fic or what have you). Quite frankly, the amount of tags and filters going on is gr8 for stories and curating your reading experience! Lots of text just hurts my eyes, but I've been adjusting!

In terms of traction, ao3 may have a better platform for a wider audience. For starters, their stats aren't broken right now, so that's a pro! ff dot nets legacy stats are broken, so hits haven't been showing up, though comments and updates are coming through--just not the e-mails if you've opted out. Which they automatically do now bc of a gnarly spam problem the last few years. And the comment system is a lot more robust than ff dot net's PM replies and the like.

Overall, ao3 is easier to use and offers more in terms of categorizing your fics! I'd recommend posting to ao3 100% :). I know that my older fics won't get as many numbers as they did on ff dot net and that's okay! i keep them up on there for those that prefer it still over ao3, and for me to go back and see the reviews and the like.

If you do decide to take everything down from ff dot net, save save save! Backup the stories you have, download them, and take snapshots of any reviews you like, bc once they're gone, they're gone, and idk about you, but I LOVE going back and reading the reviews I have over on ff dot net!

tl;dr: both sites have their merits; ao3 has way more staff, and more opportunities for engagement, as well as easier layouts for posting and commenting. FF dot net isn't going anywhere, but has a much smaller staff and has changed some things about notifications, so definitely double check your e-mail settings. If you take stuff down from ff dot net, save your work first! And any reviews you're fond of, too!

But overall, deffs try ao3 before jumping ship. It may not work for everyone; I avoided it for YEARS bc it was hard for me to get used to and it has been a VERY slow crawl for myself in learning how it works, but BOY is it hella customizable and easy to use and I like it!!!

#dani answers #anonymous #i am very against mob mentality/doing what everyone else does tbh #for lakc of a better phrase/term #i am very much you curate your own experience; nobody can decide which is better for you but you #so poke around a bit; maybe crosspost one or two over and see how the feel/vibe is #and how engagement feels for you and such #and then decide from there #BUT NO MATTER WHAT. IF YOU DELETE WORKS OFF FF.NET. SAVE THE STUFF YOU LIKE! INCLUDING REVIEWS!!!! #I'D BE DEVASTATED IF I LOST SOME OF THE REVIEWS I'VE GARNERED OVER 10 YEARS OF STORIES SITTING IN SMOLL FANDOMS #DEVASTATED! #hopefully this helps a bit anon. sorry if it's rambly1 I'm running off to lunch lol #ask box shenanigans #anyone else wanna chime in??

[totaldramafan-lauri]

It’s hard to believe that.....i-it’s coming up on one year since I met you.....

And.....it hurts to think of how.....at the time, I had thought that....we clicked right away....I-I really believed that I’d found a new, strong bond that would last a long time.....I’d found people that were on the same page as me, that I could talk to, have long conversations with, and simp together with....

In such a short time, I got attached.....I looked up to you guys....You inspired me to keep writing.....More than one of my fics wouldn’t exist without you.....You all helped me....feel....c-confident....in my writing.....so much that I kept doing it.....And I can’t thank you enough, for being the reason that I can go back and read the fics I wrote, that I.....feel.....g-genuinely proud of......

We had so many fun times, simping, trading ideas, rambling about our OCs and OC x Canon ships without being embarrassed.....m-making things together.....even just hanging out.....

To think that I’d be here a year later, by myself again.....

With so much to say, yet....not being able to.....

I felt so comfy around you......I felt accepted.....and that was wrong of me.....

I didn’t know what I was and wasn’t allowed to do, and....I-I really have no excuse for that.....I-I did things that other friend groups let me get away with, and....got too negative.....I-I got too into venting about fandom stuff I didn’t like.....I can’t even be mad that my words were misinterpreted as attacks, cuz I shouldn’t have said them in the first place....I could go on and on about things I should’ve known, or should’ve done, yadda yadda, but.....n-no matter what, it’s all over. It’s done. And.....lessons were learned.

September through the first half of December last year were the most miserable I’d ever been in years. Not only due to the guilt, and emotional trauma, but also.....being scared of myself. Of saying anything.....literally anything that could be negative at all....

But, again, lessons were learned. Misery builds character, and.....And now, I feel like I’m a better person after having gone through that. I know more about what not to do, and I’ve been avoiding it all since then.

Everything’s fine now, but.....

I-it still hurts.....it still feels like a part of me hasn’t moved on.

Cuz.....I know, that the talk I was promised, will probably never happen. I....w-was probably lied to. And that’s fine, cuz you never owed me anything.....I-I’ll never truly know just how hurt you were......I would never try to initiate that kinda thing with you. It’s your choice whether or not to contact me.

I-I just....REALLY wanted to talk.....an actual talk....a calm, rational talk......for us all to explain ourselves.....and for me to give an actual level-headed apology straight to you all. And....e-even if I wasn’t forgiven, at least I would’ve tried to lay out the facts.....That I never wanted to hurt anyone. I wanted to be believed, that’s all.....

What if I’d been given that chance? What if we’d tried to talk things out....? I’ll never know....

I can’t contact the two of you I looked up to the most, and that stings....Knowing I’ll never be able to make nice with you.....but, I hope wherever you are, that good things come your way, because you’re both such nice people and such talented writers.....

To the one who recently gave me kudos: You cannot imagine how happy that made me! Like, seriously! To see that, even if you don’t wanna talk, that you’re still around......and you don’t hate me enough to not let me know that.....Ugh, I was so happy that day....

I-I’m sorry I’m rambling, but.....y’know, that’s nothing new with me...My point is....

Thank you. Thank you all....I-I know we didn’t know each other for that long, but you really made me happy while I was there.....thank you for inspiring me, and thank you for the lessons you taught me. And, while I wish I could talk to you still, the memories we shared and the gifts you gave to me are still enough. I’m so, so, so sorry about everything I did that annoyed you....and I hope your lives are better without me. ^^

#lauri talks to herself

[xsadcorebenji]

i get sad and lonely often,

but it’s hard to access the emotions of self-hatred,

and it’s hard for me to care as much whenever anything bad happens anymore,

Fox died, i had to make a terrible decision,

it was the worst decision i could ever make for myself but it was necessary

that was my zenith,

not every other troubling experience i went through

that moment

i lose friends often and

i picture myself

again in some random town

anywhere

with another social group

until i am inevitably alone

and there’s no reason for me to want to die, as long as i live Fox lives on,

he’s here in my heart and in my memories, and i never want to die because i don’t want the world to forget Fox

there’s nothing

that will ever clear out that pain and

there’s no point in suppressing it or running away or avoiding it

it’s there; an open wound that refuses to close

and i’m tired,

i’m tired of people not making the fucking effort to understand me,

that’s not my responsibility

and thank GOD for a therapist patient with me enough to not tell me to just stop talking about Fox,

that pain lives on,

but as time passes and i remember

the good parts it’s hard not to fall in love all over again

no one was there when i was 23

there’s so much me where it’s like

Fuck Life, if Life wants to pass me by,

go fucking ahead, fuck life, fuck everything and everyone, don’t fucking rush me,

i just want to carve out space for myself to learn things i wanted to learn and fuck how fast everything passes,

i don’t care, pass me the FUCK by already then, fuck accelerationism, fuck the government, fuck all of it, how months feel like years,

and a day passes and it already feels like a fucking century passed

and everyone who “breaks up” (even in platonic context) with me with some variance of

“life goes on” (with every connotation of “oh well”)

suck shit and die already

“life goes on”

i wanna fucking smear your face into the pavement get the fuck over yourself.

the same people will idolize you

the same people are the first to demonize you

and i don’t care,

i’m so tired of all of it,

i’m tired of these lonely feelings that come on, and there’s really not much but to wait for it to pass

just a lot of missing out;

put simply lately been considering how i should’ve have skipped out on some dates during high school,

just because i wasn’t interested in the person

realize now that’s the point in dating,

actually fucking getting to know each other better

and i spent a lot of last year getting close to someone i really shouldn’t have been so forgiving with nor should have gotten close to,

just absolutely frustrating, because there was so much of the time we knew each other, you didn’t even FUCKING register in my head as anything like that,

and i just get so fucking suckered in whenever anyone reaches out to say “i care” whenever i’m feeling it, but christ

i wish people like you don’t exist,

energy vampires who feed off of anyone who seems to carry an earnestness you lack

and i am earnest by god

and i don’t care to carry resent for you

maybe just this large disdain,

and the ugly miserable thought of how easily you can throw it away

and if the thought of me hurts, i genuinely hope it does actually,

and i always want to say “and what are you going to fucking do about it?”

because whenever i think of you; i think of how i really need to be more careful,

but also

how much I NEVER WANT TO BE YOU;

i’m grateful shit failed because i want me more than ever,

and 33 has been a frustratingly lonely year thus far, and i suppose i don’t know if 34 will be better

part of me feels like i should be concerned with how often i alienate others now, but i also DON’T CARE, i am LITERALLY feeling like the most honest i can be with myself lately and if y’all can’t fuck with that

then fuck off, easy

just tired,

and in the end,

there’s just so much stuff i want to do for the sake of doing it absolutely for myself

and admittedly some of the stuff i do i have some petty motivation like

hope all this exercise and skin care and everything else pays off and i become so physically alluring that anyone’s who’s ever snubbed me just feels a searing fucking pain in their stomachs

but even then,

it’s just nice to move around again ultimately

and life

just keeps happening

stuff keeps happening

new things keep happening

it never ends and i’m painfully curious

and good stuff happens for friends and so many things happen

and admittedly i get jealous of good events just wishing i could experience the same

like wish i could experience dates

but i know i’m too picky, and i know it’s incredibly difficult for me to like

FEIGN having interest when i don’t

i just can’t call it a “closed mind”

but it’s like if there’s nothing really interesting i’m getting out of it, then what’s point

still,

i wish i went to more of those movie dates

and bowling dates

but again, i’m definitely more grown than i was in highschool

like understand myself a lot more

it just sucks it comes at a time where realistically

not a GODDAMN person “emotionally available”

like yeah, no shit, why you hanging out with me then?

oh right ENERGY,

drink it up, i hope you choke on it

sincerely sometimes,

“ewww you’re so ugly when you’re mean”

well you piss me the fuck off when you just come up with shit excuses to blow me off cuz you ain’t got integrity,

like all of it.

stop blaming me for your fucking messes please,

all of it,

fucking teacher sends me to the hospital because i have a fucking meltdown because motherfucker couldn’t hold his FUCKING end of the responsibility of a misunderstanding

“it’s all YOUR fault”

well, fucker i hope all those steroids or whatever fitness bullshit you were on just rotted your dick off and you’re just eternally flaccid

motherfuckers that can’t say “i’m sorry”

“shit was a mutual misunderstanding”

nah it’s “you this or that”

or “life goes on”

literally fuck off

you ain’t ever going to meet a motherfucker alive that even comes close to me,

and y’all better be armed with someone way better because some of y’all, i ain’t ever gonna fuck with you like that again

so i hope it was worth losing me, fucker

so many of you,

i genuinely hope it was worth it

“whew well you sound so toxic, so it’s probably relief for them,

they probably spare no thought for you”

shut the fuck up, negging self-talk,

if you’re trying to convince me they don’t spare a single thought about the craziest motherfucker they ever met

then you’re delusional as shit my friend,

well my obligatory friend,

who only recently can i just recognize you’re just bullshitting and to not take you so seriously

i’m angry so yeah “toxic” “toxic”

but i still fucking know

i’m the best friend anyone could ever have

because i actually show the fuck up.

#personal

[what-an-empty-mind]

Random things that make me nervous

Because if I’m not the type of person who is an oversharer I don’t know what I am

1. Not being able to hear my siblings breathing at night (my brother used to have a constricted airway and he would sleep on me or with my parents so we could monitor his sleeping, he has since had surgery and is several years older so not a problem anymore but I still get nervous)

2. The sedation hat something is crawling on you but there is nothing crawling on you and it’s just your skin being silly

3. Silence in general. I can’t do quiet, I need some kind of stimulation, can I go without noise? Yeah but only if I’m focused. Or my brain will make noises

4. Electric hum. I thought I was crazy, but I think I manifested it enough that the rest of my family noticed. Some of the electrical buzzing is at an annoying frequency (specifically one of our really old power strips behind the tv in the summer time because my mom wanted to air out the house)

5. Noise. I know this sounds a bit paradoxal but hear me out. When you first wake up in the morning (or you don’t go to sleep at all) everything sounds so much louder and even your footsteps feel loud that you don’t even want to move. I think the worst one is dishes because I avoid watching breakfast cause I don’t wanna hear the sound of the bowls rubbing against one another

6. The feeling that you’re not alone and you know your alone. Someone said this is normal but have I ever mentioned how I will absolutely blast music just to get my mind out of thinking this and focusing on that because it makes me feel better for a bit. It’s worse if your not in your own house

7. Uh…. The thing when you try to take something off and you know your doing it right but it tightens instead??? Like please I want to break free.

8. Driving. I have been on a bus accident, my mother got in a car accident when I was eight, she locked me in the car at a gas station when I was less than two, and just the number of accidents I’d been a witness to let alone ones I remember that my mom doesn’t remember… (she swears so many things didn’t happen) I am now learning how to drive. I think I started dissociating while driving and babes I don’t even have a license I have a permit.

9. People. This is normal right? People just make me nervous. Is it because I think someone could hurt me? Yeah. But that’s not all of it, im just nervous I’ll mess up when it comes to people, I can’t socialize right. You can get too modes from me one word answer or immediately click and you know half my backstory by the time we depart. Im also very bad at gauging what is appropriate of a time to not respond…

10. Centipedes. Self explanatory. I gained consciousness in Hawaii I was about four or five that’s how far my memories go back there scattered and out of order but one of the earliest ones is seeing on picking u other baby we were looking after to put him on the couch really calm like, and grabbing a hammer to smash the insect, and one of my mom’s boots. All the while my mom is like… O.O” ‘when did she find the time to find the hammer?’

**just a reminder to anyone in tropical climates, insects like centipedes always travel in pairs. When you see one there will be a second one not too far behind the first one**

11. Money. When I had a job and got paid I think I spent more time talking myself out of buying necessities like socks, shoes, underwear and that kind of stuff. Shit I even talked myself out of buying food for myself because I had food at home (I was gonna be home for at least eight more hours)

#I just get nervous

[neveryourbbgirl]

Hey, I recently got diagnosed with bpd my therapist says quiet subtype.

I am really upset over it because I feel like nobody is ever going to love me now

I feel ashamed

I feel so upset that I cannot just be normal. That something as small as not getting a text back fast enough can make me split on someone and assume that they are using me or a liar and a cheater.

I’m really struggling with it.

how did you manage to get into such a good healthy relationship without it ruining everything? I start pushing people away and I feel so sad suddenly out of nowhere by the smallest thing. I always knew I was not like other people and I felt things so intensely from the start but now I feel like…. Like there isn’t hope for me. Who can handle this shit?! Ya know? And it seems everywhere I turn people think BPD means no empathy and just a monster but that isn’t me.

idk I guess I’m asking what helped you and how long did it take for things to get better. A long time ago I think you mentioned having it so that’s why I ask. You seem so cool and like you’ve got your life in order and it feels so impossible for me idk where to start to get better.

First of all, BPD is a bitch and I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with it as well. I was diagnosed at 19 so I’ve been doing this for like 11 years now.

And as much as I seem like I have it together, I don’t. Thankfully I found a kind and considerate partner who understands what I lack and helps me be better. I’m able to come to him and tell him when I’m needing more reassurance, even tho I know he’d never do anything to hurt me. I have ruined a lot of relationships with my flip outs, and I got sick of it. I have taken all the shit that made my last relationships not work (on my end) and not done that with him. I don’t lose my mind and scream at him, I don’t accuse him of cheating all the time, I don’t do stuff to get back at him, etc; all things BPD used to convince me were okay because “they started it.” I think about every action I take and what’s gonna happen in the long run because of it. With the right stability and support, it’s so much easier to manage. I still have my slip ups, but I’ve also learned to take ownership of them and apologize then actively work at correcting the behaviors in the future.

Seeing the way people behave to BPD is a huge trigger to me. The second I say I have it, everyone has their mind made up on how I am. I know multiple people who have it and refuse to correct their shit because that’s just how they are. It makes us all look bad. Seeing things not in black and white is just harder for us, we struggle to see the grey, but it’s not impossible. CBT therapy really helped a lot. I also read so much about it. I avoid the writings about how hard it is to be with someone with BPD because that really tends to vilify us, and it’s unfair. Those of us wanting to be better aren’t the same as the people who have just accepted the disorder.

My biggest recommendation is being in the best place you can be before starting a relationship, talking to your partner about your biggest insecurities and issues, and having them do research to understand your brain as well. I can say that Chase reading about BPD and knowing the way it works has really saved us so much, he understands what I need and it allows me to understand what he needs. Also the most important relationship tip will always be healthy communication. Idk, I got lucky with Chase. I’ve never had someone like him before, someone who is willing to put in the effort. And that’s the biggest reason I can make it work and seem like I have my shit together.

If you wanna talk more, you can message me not on anon and I can try to send you some resources that have helped me.

Most importantly, just for you; you are not a monster, your brain is just wired differently. 😘

#anon

[seeminglyseph]

Fun fan challenge: redesign Asra keeping base concepts in mind like character archetype and general backstory, but like with consideration and understanding of how the depiction will make Muslim fans feel. No you can't please everyone that's why I suppose hopefully said Muslim fans would be able to contribute multiple designs or viewpoints or like collaborations for non artists teaming up to create a design maybe since there are only so many fan artist and even fewer who will have any interest in the design aspect of a character.

Is there a way to make it work or is the concept flawed at the core due to magic? The character trait of eating weird things comes from a history of starvation and desperate, how can this be expressed without having him explicitly eating the wrong foods? A habit of very small portions? Food hoarding? Perhaps binging habits born out of a "eat it before they take it away mentality" have his favourite food be something appropriate to eat but like really cheap. Like the equivalent to happy toast or something equally heart destroying. Or the only dish he remembers clearly from when his parents were there. There are surely ways to express most of Asra's key features respectfully, taking liberties only in like... it's a fantasy alternate universe where the concept of magic is fundamentally different and with proper consideration for how said different magic and world history would effect or change cultural perspective. But that is some sensitive fine-tuning that I am not capable of understanding with the proper degree of nuance to make it compelling or accurate. Like what does the existence of the arcana mean in respect to other religions? Was Asra poached by the magician? Man that's fucked up. Idk, it's just like the fans are fans because there's something in the game they like. Can it be improved with the inclusion of Muslim coding at least and the core concept involving magic and the arcana and stuff. Cause I dont think the dev's are gonna invest enough money into fixing things so much. At this point fans are gonna have to make content to support each other. And I think it would be really great to hear opinions on how to adapt things not from a "what's easiest to fix" but from like "what is flawed in this concept, and then also the execution of this concept"

#im very out of it but it could be neat. #like i know that there's stories that you only learn to tell walking certain paths of life #not to say 'you cannot write stories you don't know' #but rather you know how it's great to get an in joke? or you know little private shared habits that you feel kinship with #i think... #it could work for all the flaws really since the fandoms from the poorly representrd groups can say what they want #and a variety of fan creators can make a variety of content incorporating different elements of the fixes #idk fuck i should be sleeping i just can't #i wanna learn how to make better stuff so i can avoid hurting people like this in the future you know?

[eclipixels]

Finding out and telling Kaneki you're preggo

______________________________

"You're leaving right now?" I yawned, still shaking off the dryness of the morning.

"Yup. See you in a bit." He responded tying the last knot on his shoe laces then lifting his head up to look at me. Oh those doe innocent precious eyes. Sigh

"Have fun learning about old dead people and words." I stretched my arms out towards him.

"I will and you better not forget to have fun at your doctor's appointment. They're gonna stick flashlights up your nose, ears and mouth." He smiled sheepishly leaning into my arms.

I felt the area around me sink as he rested his palms beside me, putting full support into them. A long kiss was shared between us ending with a soft and cute audible, "mwuah" from Kaneki.

And with a sweet kiss my lover dissipated out the cold door, leaving behind the warmth of our shared home and far-away from me.. but he'd return at like 4:00 PM or something.

I yawned once more, annoyed at the fact that yawning hurt my jaw and that I couldn't control it. After sitting there for a bit, I finally got up and got dressed. Soon after finishing my morning routine, I headed out to the doctors.

It was a regular check up with the whole sticking flashlights down your throat and nose along with the blood pressure machine thing. The last thing I had to do was pee in a cup.

I went in the bathroom, did my business and gave them back the pp cup. I waited inside my room for the doctor to return. I was about to text Kaneki checking up on him since he usually takes a break during this time but stopped as soon as the doctor came in. Finally.

"Well all your results seem great, there seems to be no problems. Vitals are all good, no sign of any health risks. Looks like you're healthy," He said nothing more or less than I expected. I was waiting for him to wrap it up so I could get home.

"Also, your labs came back and congratulations, you're 2 weeks pregnant Ms. L/n!" He finished.

Excuse me I'm what? 😃

"I'm pregnant?" I repeated.

"Yup, shows here you're exactly 2 weeks pregnant! Would you like us to help schedule you an appointment with your gynecologist for ultrasounds and pregnancy check ups?" The doctor asked politely.

"Uh no thank you, I'll do it when I get home." I spoke feeling a bit lightheaded.

"Alright then, you're all set! Just make sure to make your next appointment in y months." The doctor said and with that I made my way back home.

Fuck it's almost 4, Kaneki would be home any minute now. God, what do I do? Should I tell him yet or should I wait? Holy pickle salad, what if he doesn't want the baby? What will I do then?

"Y/N!! I'M HOME!!" Kaneki yelled with glee as he took off his shoes and quickly held me in a tight hug like a little child.

"How was your day?" I giggled in his arms.

"Same old routine oh and I got lunch with Hide at this really cool bakery. I would've brought some for you but I want to take you there myself so you could have it while It's still warm." He smiled, guiding me into our room so he could tell me more about his day.

Immediately he started changing into something more comfortable, a black t-shirt and dark grey shorts. He then sighed as he laid down on the matress, feeling his hand link with mine.

Just then, I suddenly felt really hungry. No, this isn't a pregnancy craving, I'm just a hungry bitch.

"Hey what's wrong?" He asked noticing my troubled faced.

"Nothing, I'm just hungry." I muttered.

"Oh ok, I'll order some pizza then." He smiled, rushing out the door to find his phone. God damn he's so cute.

"Wait! I forgot to ask, do you want a side of garlic cheese bread too?" He stuck his head through the door with the phone held behind him.

"Of course I do!" I said in disbelief.

"Ok" He laughed at my expression before leaving the room. I think that laugh just impregnated me- oh wait, I already am pregnant. Oh, shit, that. I'm still in that dilemma.

"Ok, they'll deliver since I'm tired and don't wanna go out." He said as he sat next to me one again.

"Yay!" I lunged towards him in a hug, careful with my tummy though.

-

"So anything interesting you did today?" I asked taking a bite of the pizza.

"I don't think so. It was mundane. Nothing much happened except for what I told you" he yawned, drooping his eyes.

"You're tired though." I narrowed my eyes.

"It's probably just from working out." He accidentally slipped, slapping his hand over his mouth.

"Working out?" I smirked.

"S-shut up" He blushed.

"There's nothing to be insecure about. Although I do love your feminine looking ass a lot, I wouldn't mind." I leaned closer to his ear before letting out a mischievous giggle.

"Stooooppp, now I don't even wanna do it anymore." He crossed his arms.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're making me feel embarrassed." He turned his head to the opposite side, attempting to avoid my stare.

"But.. I love your body. No matter the change." I smiled, snaking my hand under his shirt, gliding it over his smooth stomach.

"mm, keep doing that" He sighed leaning back. I then rested my head on his lap, tracing random shapes on his bare abdomen. He did have to run around campus a lot so I understand why he's tired.

"Why do you want to work out though?" I asked, truly puzzled.

"B-because I wanna be able to pick you up and stuff a-and you're always doing the hard work around here.. I want to help too! Ugh, this is so embarrassing." He held his head in his hands.

"No it's not."

"You stroke my ego too much. It's bad for me." He sighed.

"That's not the only thing I can stroke for you-" I was cut off by Kaneki's hand covering my mouth, muffling my words.

"Don't!" Kaneki said with widened eyes.

I only laughed and bit his palm for him to let go.

"Anyway, how was your day at the doctor's." Kaneki remembered to ask.

"Oh the doctors said I'm fine." I replied calmly.

"That's good" He leaned over to take another pizza slice, holding it above my mouth for me to eat. Kaneki then took a sip of his drink.

"Oh yeah and I'm pregnant too by the way— if that matters though." I said, purposely using a nonchalant tone as I took another bite of the pizza.

"YOU'RE WHAT!?" Ken shrieked as pepsi blew out his nose.

#kaneki ken x reader #kaneki ken #tokyo ghoul x reader #tokyo ghoul #kaneki x reader #kaneki #anime x y/n

[leahblackk]

I have not sent in a request jn like 6 years but okay -

something maybe a lil big angsty but like spencer is being over the top sarcastic with reader. maybe they’re in an argument over his job or something some argument and Spencer is just being very rude and sarcastic to the point where reader can’t tell if it’s a joke or not, and in the midst of their argument spencer is called away on a case, and comes home to see reader has left. (if u wanna fluff it up at the end he can apologize profusely and they can cuddle it out but up to you leah bc your mind is genius)

Hurtful words

(Not my gif)

Summary: a little blurb by my local amazing ideas giver, Alex. Let’s all say thank you Alex for this idea.

Couple: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Warnings: Spencer being a little shit. And mentions of being injured because of gunshot. And many mistakes I’m sorry :)

Oh my god yes! I feel like I haven’t done a blurb in years. Your blurb ideas are the ones that keep me going. And you are the genius!! Your ideas are extremely amazing and I’m happy I can make them true <3

Spencer Reid.

What a mystery that man was.

Y/n met Spencer as a sweet young man with glasses and cute jumpers. A man who didn't catch certain social things. He didn’t understood sarcasm in certain occasions or indirect messages or double intentions. Of course, he knew what it was, but he didn’t know how to act with it or how to use it.

Until he learned how to be passive-aggressive.

The first time Y/n ever saw Spencer being passive-aggressive with someone was with JJ when the Lauren/Emily thing happened. Spencer, of course, was very mad about it. JJ was his best friend, the person he most trusted besides his girlfriend. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t know. It wasn’t like he was going to tell anyone! He had the right to know that his friend whom he loved so much wasn’t buried five feet underground! He cried on his girlfriend floor for hours, and when he was too embarrassed by her looking at him, he went to JJ’s house. She saw him, she saw him crying his eyes out for her and she didn’t say a damn thing! Of course he was going to be mad.

Y/n never thought she had to worry about him being like that with her.

Spencer always has been a sweet man. But he isn’t when he’s under stress, mad or sad. The pressure over him made his IQ of 187 slashed to 63. He couldn’t think straight. And Spencer never worried about him being like that with his girlfriend. He didn’t had any reasons to be. She was all nice to him and cared about him.

But now, things changed while they were fighting in their shared apartment.

Y/n has been injured on a case after being reckless, or that was the way his boyfriend thought, but to be honest she saved a life, even if that got her hurt. She didn’t care. She would do it again. And that petrified Spencer.

Even if her doctor told her she could go back to the field. Spencer wasn’t going to have any of it. That was why they were fighting. Neither of them liked to deal with strong emotions. He wanted to say he didn’t want her to be there because he was scared he was going to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. She was his everything. His glue putting him together when the world tried to bring him down and shatter his heart. She was the thing that keeps him going. But instead of saying that, he was treating her badly and Y/n on her side wasn’t going to have any of it.

“Why can’t you understand, Spencer? I’m not a child. I can perfectly take care of myself.” She said putting her clothes on her go-bag while Spencer took them out.

He chuckled, “Perfectly take care of yourself? Yeah of course I believe you. When did you take care of yourself? When you put yourself in front of the unsub and he shot you? Yeah, Y/n, that’s taking care of yourself.”

She frowned.

That hurt.

“Excuse Spencer but you’re not no one to tell me what to do.”

“I’m your boyfriend!” He said, hurt.

“And? That doesn’t give you any right to tell me what to do. I’m a grown-up, Reid. If you didn’t notice. I’m not a child you can take care of.”

“Sometimes I think you are, you know?” He then looked at her, “You act worse than a child sometimes. Being so reckless and putting yourself in danger.”

“Like you haven’t done that yourself either.”

“I have! But I knew what I was doing. You weren’t thinking!”

“When is gonna be the day you understand you can’t tell me what to do?”

“When you stop being so reckless and actually take care of yourself,” He crossed his arms over his chest, “But apparently that’s not happening.”

She sighed with anger and looked at him. Throwing a shirt over his face and going downstairs to the kitchen to drink water and calm herself. Spencer followed her and entered the kitchen taking a glass of water as well.

She didn’t even look at him. He wanted her looking at him. He wanted to feel those eyes on him even if they were full of anger.

So he made it in the wrong way.

“And you said you’re not a child,” he murmured referring to her throwing the shirt on his face.

“What was that?” She turned around and look at him.

“You perfectly heard it, Y/n.”

“I can’t believe you’re the one calling me a child. Look at you,” she moved her hands up and down in front of him to make a point, “I’m going to that case you like it or not.”

“I wouldn’t risk the team to be with you on the case. They might end it up injured with your recklessness.”

Silence.

The words Spencer throw made echo in both lovers ears.

Reid bit his bottom lip regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. Trying to take them back but the damage was already done.

Y/n looked at him without any emotion. Until her eyes start to burn and the tears came out. She lifted her hand with anger and wiped them off feeling her cheeks getting warmer and warmer.

Spencer looked at her and his heart ached. Why did he said that? She was a great agent. He was just scared of losing her and if by telling her that stuff, she would stay home safe, he would do it. But he regretted it now. He regretted it so much.

She chuckled without any humour and licked her bottom lip, tears coming down her face again.

But she let them now. Too tired.

Spencer’s first instinct was to step forward to her, but she stayed back putting her hands in front of him, to stop him.

She didn’t want to be touched by him.

He looked down.

He spends his life touching her. Loving her and worshipping her body. Touching her soft skin with soft moves, carefully not wanting to break her as she was a porcelain doll. But now, she didn’t want to be touched by him.

And Spencer understood.

He did.

It was all his fault at the end of the day. He made her stayed back when he wanted to pull her in. It was his fault. “I don’t want you to touch me,” she murmured and passed him taking her arms close to her so they wouldn’t brush his skin.

Spencer’s tears came down now.

I don’t want you to touch me.

She didn’t want him to touch her.

But all he wanted to do was touch her and let her know he didn’t mean those words. How could he? She was perfect in everything she did, her job included. Mostly her job.

Spencer didn’t notice how much time had passed while he stood frozen in the middle of their kitchen until he felt his phone buzzed. He took it out of his pocket. It was Morgan.

Hey Spencer. I know you love your girlfriend so much but we have to hurry! People are dying you know? Not everything is vanilla and roses like you two.

Spencer chuckled. Only if he knew.

He went upstairs with careful moves while he pressed his palms together trying to stop the trembling. He mostly did.

All her clothes were now in the closet, her go-bag as well. She wasn’t going to the case. It wasn’t a surprise. He knew he would achieve what he wanted after saying that. But now it didn’t felt right.

He moved closer to where she was. On their shared bed. He sat down. He was about to open his mouth to say something but she did it first. “Please don’t say anything. You have said enough and I think your thoughts are very clear,” her voice sounds broken. And was all his fault, “Just go. Tell the team I haven’t made full recovery yet.”

He nodded even if she couldn’t see him because she was hiding under the blankets.

What Spencer didn’t notice was the way after saying those words, her hands end it up on her mouth trying the sobs not to come out. She knew if Spencer heard those he would stay with her, even if they just argued. It was Spencer at the end of the day.

He would do anything for her.

Spencer full of guilty took his go-bag and walked directly to the door, looking at her once more.

He wanted to ask.

He needed to know.

You’re gonna be here when I come back?

You’re gonna still be here when I come back?

But the words never left his mouth. They got stuck on his throat. The pain and the tears as well. He needs to say he still loved her. That no matter what he still loved her. He loves her.

He-

He loves her.

But he couldn’t. So he turned around, and left.

When the front door closed Y/n finally let the sobs out.

…

The young doctor tried to avoid all the questions on why he was so grumpy and distracted.

The answer to those questions was “I just had a huge fight with the love of my life and I’m worried she leaves while I’m here. Even if she have every right to I’m still scared because she’s the only thing that keeps me going.”

But of course, he didn’t said it.

He just dismissed everything saying he didn’t have good sleep which didn’t make things better because later on, he was going to be teased by Emily and Morgan.

And when the case was finally closed, he ran to the closest flower shop to buy her favourite flowers and then he went to her favourite restaurant to get her favourite food to then ran to the metro all the way to their shared apartment.

He tried to manage to open the door with all the things in his hand but he couldn’t so he put his satchel and the flowers on the wooden floor, and he was about to put the food as well but then he thought about the germs even if the food was protected, so he put it above his satchel and he was finally able to open the door.

The lights were off which wasn’t weird of her. She wasn’t a lover of the lights of the apartment, always reminding Spencer that they needed to change them as they were too bright, but they never had time to do so, but that was exactly what Spencer was going to do tomorrow.

He then took off his shoes and put them next to the others, but her shoes weren’t there which was weird but he didn’t think too much about it. Maybe she forgot to take them off.

Spencer, then, open the door, even more, to put all the things inside of the house. He put his satchel on the little table next to the shoes and his keys as well.

Her keys weren’t there.

Spencer’s heart stopped.

Her keys weren’t there.

He breathed in and out softly trying to calm his desperate heart beating faster and faster on his chest wanting to get out. He put his palms together trying to stop the trembling but this time was impossible.

He took the flowers with him and went upstairs closing the front door behind him and he open the door of their shared bedroom.

She wasn’t there.

She-

She wasn’t there.

Where did she go?

Did she leave?

No.

No.

“No,” Spencer whispered the tears coming down his eyes.

She wouldn’t. Even if she was mad. She wouldn’t do that as everyone else did without any more explanation than a letter or a note.

A letter.

He needed to find the letter.

He searched on their bed and the tables beside their side of the bed. He didn’t look in their closet or bathroom because she wouldn’t leave that there.

Spencer went downstairs to the kitchen looking for the letter on the dining table and outside of the refrigerator. But there was none.

He, then walked to the living room looking and moving things making a mess.

He needed to read the letter.

She must have left a letter.

Everyone else left a letter.

And the door open but he didn’t heard it because of his desperation and the sound of his heartbeat making echo in his hears

He needed to find the letter.

He turned around and she saw her. Standing there with a sundress and her hair tied. She looked beautiful. She always looked beautiful, but she had a frown on her face looking with confusion at her surroundings, the mess he just made and then back to Spencer repeatedly.

And then he understood he needed to explain himself. “I-I,” he looked down and closed his eyes full of tears for a few seconds. She saw the trembling on his hands. She made a step forward from instinct but then she stopped as she remembers what happened between them. He looked up at her. He couldn’t get the words out of his mouth but she waited for him to talk, patiently while he tried to find the correct words. “I came here right away. Well not right away because I went first to the flower shop and then to your favourite restaurant,” he rambled looking at her. She didn’t stop him. She didn’t have any intention to stop him. Instead, she listens carefully. She always listens, “you weren’t at home and I’ve been nervous all these past days because I thought you would leave, and you had every right to and then I came back here and you weren’t and I looked for a-a note or letter.”

Her heart shattered.

People that left his life always left a note or a letter. She remembers when he told her that.

“I didn’t leave,” he nodded. She didn’t. She stayed. “Penelope called me and she needed help with something and then she asked me if I knew why you were acting so weird and I talked to her for a while and I didn’t realize how late it was. I’m sorry.”

He shocked his head. Stepping forward to her. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who needs to apologize. I shouldn’t have treated you so badly and I want you to understand that I didn’t mean a single word because you are so great and so amazing in everything you do. I would never mean those words,” now was her turn to nodded, “I just said that because after you being injured, I didn’t want you to hurt yourself or even get killed. I��m selfish, yeah I know that. But you’re my everything, Y/n. Without you, I don’t know what will I do, you’re the only one who keeps me together and the one who brings light to my darkness. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he took her hands looking for permission first, “I said those things because I knew you would stay home, but I didn’t mean them I swear I didn’t.”

She nodded again and hugged him. He sobbed while he hugged her as his life depends on it. “I know. It’s okay love. I won't leave you I promise,” she sobbed too. “I love you.”

“I love you more, so so much.”

And they held each other while they sobbed and repeat those three little words back and forth.

They were home now.

They were okay now.

#criminal minds #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #doctor reid #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #Spencer Reid blurb #leahsrequests