#i took a year off to find myself and have fun before the real world starts and now the real world is just around the corner and i didnt do

[tf-lover]

Masquerade Madness

A little fun organised by @bodyswapmischief, and one of the only celebrity tf's I'll probably ever write! Enjoy the masquerade!

~~~

The idea of a masked ball was, at least in theory, the type of event Henry should enjoy. He was a famous actor, used to being in the public eye and in front of a camera. Only, he was dreading it. His agent had signed him up to attend, and as much as he could put on the charismatic face for the press, half the time he would rather be at home than at another event. Reading, video games and even stuff like Warhammer, the star had always been a not so secret nerd. He always had eyes on him though no matter where he was or who he was with. As much as he loved his craft, it was times like this he felt like a break for a night.

That's where Kade came in. He often acted as security for Henry, so they knew each other well. For the last several years at various events and on the occasional filming set he'd been Henry's personal bodyguard; the two had become fast friends. Kade was the stereotype of the rough bodyguard too; bearded and tattooed with closely shaved hair, one look told you almost everything you needed to know.

“What I wouldn't do for a night off you know?” Henry said once he emerged from the bathroom after a shower. “Feels like I never get any time to myself anymore.”

Kade, who would be driving Henry to the event and accompanying him inside, nodded in agreement. “I know man, I get you. It's a hard job being loved and thirsted over by so many people.” There was a hint of teasing in Kade’s tone, one only he could get away with. 

Henry rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the slight smirk on his lips. “Yeah yeah, I know. I'm thankful for everything I have, don't get me wrong. I just… I don't know.”

“Well, what if I said Henry Cavill can still show up at this event and you can take a bit of a break for the night?” Kade had a hint of mischief in his eyes when Henry turned to face him. “You don't get it, I know dude. New tech in the industry.”

“Out with it Kade, what on earth are you going on about?” Henry folded his arms and frowned, more confused than anything else. 

Kade pulled a small circular device out of one of his pockets and held it up. It was no bigger than his palm and had what looked like a scanner of some sort on either side. Other than that though it was sleek high-tech, giving away no extra information on what its purpose was. 

“Military tech they ended up not using and selling off. Was meant for covert undercover operations so I'm told. The two of us use this to switch bodies, then I go to the party as you and you can just chill at my side. How's that sound?”

Henry… didn't know what to make of that. It was absurd, it had to be. It was like the plot of one of the movies he'd find himself in, not real life. Yet, there was something in Kade’s eyes that said he wasn’t bullshitting. Henry knew Kade well enough to know when he was joking around, and this wasn’t even close to one of those times. 

“I know it’s a lot to take in man, but think about it.” Kade said as the other man spent a moment processing the information. “You don't have to ‘turn on’ that public persona people expect and can just vibe as me. You know security at these things is airtight even without some of the personal guards like me there, you'll have it easy.”

Henry was silent another moment before responding. “You know what? Alright, let's try it.” He gave Kade a small smile before holding a hand out. “How does this work then? Do we just-”

Kade stepped closer and smacked the device he was holding down into Henry's outstretched palm before the celebrity could finish his sentence. A jolt passed through both as their hands came into contact with the plastic surface, now fully activated with two participants. In less time than it took either to blink, Henry and Kade found the world around them suddenly shifted. Where Henry had been standing in a bathrobe and mentally preparing himself for another evening at another public event, now he found himself looking back at that very same face. The one he was used to seeing in the mirror now stood opposite him with an uncharacteristic smirk. 

“Having fun there Kade?” Henry said when he saw his own smirking face. The voice that came from his mouth being a different one was definitely odd, but seeing himself was moreso.

Kade in Henry’s body laughed. “I was going to say the same to you Kade, since I’m fairly sure I’m the world famous Mr Henry Cavill right now.” Kade turned back to the bathroom and went to the mirror, running his hands over his new face. He knew this one well of course from films and working with Henry, but he never believed he’d actually get a chance to see it looking back at him. “Man, every time I’ve done this and it’s still fucking wild.” He said to himself.

Henry had followed his own body to the bathroom and watched as his bodyguard inspected Henry’s own handsome features. The strong, stubbled jaw, piercing eyes and just the faintest hint of chest hair that poked out of the robe he’d been wearing after the shower. Like anyone, Henry could really understand why Kade was so fascinated with being one of the hottest actors on the planet.

“Oh, you probably haven’t noticed yet dude, have you?” Kade stepped back from the mirror and turned to face himself. “Something different you haven’t spotted, should have mentioned it before really but I didn’t want you to freak out about it.”

Henry frowned. He didn’t know what Kade was going on about, and he was on the verge of saying as much when Kade did something he didn’t expect. He pulled off the bathrobe and dropped it to the floor, letting Henry get a good look at his ripped, naked body in all its glory. His mouth went dry. Objectively he knew he was attractive, he always had since being in such a public position, but now he could really feel it. Kade’s familiar smirk was plastered now over Henry’s features as the man flexed and gave his chest a squeeze, all with a look in his eyes that said he knew exactly what he was doing. 

“See, one thing they discovered is sexuality and attraction is mostly tied to your body.” Kade started to explain as he kept teasing and running his hands down over Henry’s hairy chest and stomach. “So right now you’re as gay as I usually am. Once you’ve been doing this long enough you learn to be able to ignore the physical sexuality, but for a newbie like you…” Kade’s eyes flicked down to the obviously hard bulge between Henry’s legs. “Sorry to say you’ll have to be alright relaxing as a gay dude today.”

“Y-Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine…” Henry mumbled whilst he couldn’t take his eyes off himself. “Guess I can see what everyone means for myself now. Are you always this attracted to me?”

Kade nodded. “Yeah, I mean who isn’t? But just like you don’t go getting hard over every attractive girl you see, it’s just the same.” He shrugged. “You learn to control yourself. Working with you is just business, not like I’m going to go over any boundaries that would be inappropriate.”

The mention of inappropriate boundaries sent other thoughts running through Henry’s mind. Thoughts of things he could do with men he’d never been interested in before, thoughts of things he could do with his own body. His cheeks flushed a brilliant pink for a moment before he shook his head; he had to get himself back under control. He was usually calm and collected, even if he was in Kade’s body and gay that didn’t give him an excuse to be ogling another man. Even if was technically his body he was getting an eyeful off and Kade was freely showing it off, it still didn’t feel appropriate. 

“You should umm, get dressed Henry. You’ve got a party to get to, right?” Henry said in an attempt to deflect from the new stuff he was feeling. They’d made this swap for a reason, so he could have a night off and still make an appearance, so the sooner they got on with that the better. “Suit is in the bedroom.”

Kade let out a short laugh and a nod. “You’re right of course Kade. I’ll get myself dressed and ready to go, then you can drive me to the event okay?” Kade in Henry’s body turned and walked off in the direction he knew the actor’s bedroom was, all the while giving Henry a good long look at his muscular ass cheeks and how they flexed as he moved away.

~~~

It wasn’t long until the pair were ready and on their way to the party.

Kade had got all dressed up in Henry’s suit for the evening, including a custom made black mask by some designer he couldn’t remember the name of. He pulled the whole thing off well. Henry knew he would, after all he’d tried the whole outfit on days ago to make sure it all fit properly, but he hadn’t expected to be the one on this side of things. To be the one sat in the driver's seat of the car when he’d taken them both to the event.

Or to be the one trying not to look at how fucking hot hs own body looked in the suit his agent had picked out with the designers. Being gay because of the swap left him feeling all sorts of things, but chief among them was an undeniable attraction to himself. It was fucked up he knew that, but the drive over followed by silently following behind up the red carpet only hammered that nail down into the metaphorical coffin. Henry thought he was hot as fuck, just like many other gay fans had made clear, now he was almost one of them.

Kade didn’t make it any easier either. He showed just how good at his job he was as he smiled to the cameras, spoke to the occasional reporter and all round pulled off an incredibly convincing Henry Cavill. There were small things that only Henry could notice being off, but to anyone else they’d have no reason to believe he wasn’t himself as the pair made their way inside. And Henry really was getting a taste of the flip side of all this; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d walked down a red carpet and been as completely and utterly ignored as he was in Kade’s body. It was like he wasn’t even there. People moved around him like nothing, cameras flashed over his shoulders to capture anyone and everyone that wasn’t him; he was invisible. 

The whole evening was more of the same for Henry. Or, for Kade as he made sure to introduce himself to a handful of the other security guards dotted around for other celebrities. It was strange at first, but the more he stood around chatting the more he felt like it was refreshing not to be recognised or idolised. He didn't have to “switch on” into his public facing actor mode like he'd been talking to Kade about earlier in the day, he could be his comfortable, relaxed self. All the while he watched from a distance as the real Kade in Henry's body danced and chatted and ate. All the things he should be doing but often found to be the exhausting part of being an actor. 

“So, how are you finding things Kade? No issues with security?” The real Kade said later on in the evening when they got a spare moment together. Just a high profile celeb checking in with his security, that was all it looked like. 

Henry nodded. “Yes Mr Cavill, all good on my end. I hope you’re having a pleasant evening?” It wasn’t hard to play the role of security guard for Henry, he was an actor after all. 

“Yes yes, of course. All good fun events like these are, as you well know. And this suit is nice, makes me look good doesn’t it?” Something about the way Kade spoke with Henry’s voice was different to before. Lower, more heated. Maybe it was just to be heard over the crowd of people, but it didn’t feel like that quite. It felt like… more. “I’ve seen your eyes on me this evening Kade, and I want you to know I understand. Being so close can’t be easy on a night like tonight for you, if you catch my drift. One night, get it out of your system, if you think that would help?”

Henry couldn’t believe his ears. Kade, his long-term, always professional bodyguard, was suggesting something so… so sordid. This was a side of Kade he didn’t show for the sake of keeping to the job, but now something was crackling between them. Henry could feel it, a palpable tension in the air that he realised had probably been there since they first swapped earlier. 

“You, You’re still gay, aren’t you.” Henry stated, since he already knew the answer. “You’ve done this enough that even in my body you’re still attracted to men… like I am right now as you.”

“That’s right Kade. As of this moment Henry Cavill is currently as gay as it gets, whether we’re talking about his body or his mind.” Kade said in that same low voice that Henry could now hear was dripping with arousal. Not one he ever imagined he’d be on this side of, or getting this turned on by either. “I get this is crossing a boundary between us, but I also get the sense that’s a boundary you’d rather like to cross right now, isn’t it?”

All Henry could do was silently nod his agreement. Since the swap earlier that evening he hadn’t been able to get it out of his mind. If he was a stronger person maybe he could have held back and kept things professional, but then wasn’t the whole reason he had agreed to this swap in the first place because he was tired of always having to put on the professional face? Always serving the public and never himself; maybe it was time that changed. 

“Let’s get out of here Henry, I think for your safety you should let me take you home, there’s been a few suspicious characters at this party looking at you a little too closely for my liking.” Henry slipped himself back into the bodyguard role and smirked at Kade as he spoke; if this was his once chance to really experience this before it was over he wasn’t going to waste it. 

~~~

An hour later, Henry was on his back getting his ass absolutely destroyed by his own cock. 

“Yes, fuck me Henry!! Nnnghhh… oh fucking hell bro I never thought a celebrity could fuck so good!” Henry held onto Kade’s shoulders and let his moans freely fill the room, though right now it was hotter to imagine himself as Kade. To imagine for a moment that he wasn’t Henry Cavill having swapped bodies, he was this bodyguard finally getting fucked by the star he’d been protecting. 

Kade, or Henry as he too found it hot to think of himself as, was much in the same boat. “Yeah Kade? Can’t believe I haven’t been fucking men until now, I’ve been missing out!” The current Henry shouted as he fucked down into the hole around his cock. He’d swapped with many celebrities in the past, but never had it landed him in an outcome as hot as this one. He was Henry fucking Cavill! The one and only, and with the former Henry getting so into addressing Kade by the name that matched his body it was easy to get lost in that fantasy. 

The two kept going in that same rhythm long into the evening. Henry had fully embraced being Kade the bad boy bodyguard, so much so that when the former Kade above him moaned that name in his ear it didn’t feel at all wrong. It felt right. Liberating even. He wasn’t anyone in the public eye, he was someone completely invisible to them. And had one of the hottest celebrities on the planet cumming in his ass all night like an absolute beast. The new Henry had skills he never thought possible, the new Henry above him could do all the public stuff and fuck like the king Hollywood saw him as. It was giving him ideas already for their future…

~~~

2 years later…

Henry and Kade hadn’t looked back since that first swap. 

The evening they spent together riding and sucking and fucking was one of the hottest either man had experienced. Enough so that the real Henry asked if Kade could make his body gay when they swapped back. He could, it turned out, leave his lingering sexuality in Henry’s body and corrupt it to be gay instead of straight. 

Not that Henry spent a whole lot of time in his own body as it was anymore. 

For filming and such he still stayed as himself, but that was about it. He still loved to act more than anything and didn’t want to give that up. But besides when he was on a job, Henry spent all his time as Kade instead. The name Henry had even started to feel slightly odd to him now he spent almost all his time as Kade the tattooed stud. It was far more relaxing than being his old self, and the pair made enough money to support them both just using Henry. The old Henry would do the acting, then the new permanent Henry would take over and spend the rest of the time doing all the publicity and stuff. Kade, as the former star now thought of himself, was more than happy to let his boyfriend take the spotlight when he was overall better at it than Kade had ever been. 

The new and improved Henry had even gone to the lengths of coming out of the closet and introducing the world to his boyfriend Kade. If only they all knew the reality of the situation, but that was only for them. Henry Cavill, lost lusted after by gay men the world over, was now officially part of the gay community too, and it had sent fans into a frenzy. 

Kade had got used to thinking of himself as a gay man now though. It was why he’d asked his boyfriend to make sure his old body was still gay when he used it for filming. Going back to being his old straight Henry Cavill self when he was filming had weirded him out for all of 48 hours before letting it get fixed up so he was gay regardless of which body he was in. 

He loved his new easier life away from all the rapid publicity, and loved his soon to be husband even more for giving him this life accidentally. One last public affair to give the new Henry Cavill the proposal he deserved, then he would really be done with the exhausting side of his old life.

#MarchMasquerade #male transformation #body swap #my writing #straight to gay

[bengiyo]

BL 2023 Review

I wasn’t sure how I wanted to write about BL for this year. I was originally going to do a The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly framework for it, but that feels meaner than I actually am about it. Instead, I think I’ll just write out some sections and unpack some things I felt along the way.

I Watched Too Much Again

Last year I engaged with about 92 productions around the world. This year it was 99 (I tracked stuff I completed here). Sure I dropped 18 of them this year, but goddamn. The problem with watching as much as I did this year is that I worked full time this year and also maintained a separate hobby. I also continued my twice-weekly watch sessions with my friend Emily, so there are an additional 100-ish watch sessions in here of rewatching, plus a few other rewatches (Theory of Love and My Ride most notably).

One of my struggles at this point is I’m far too familiar with the genre, and find myself feeling impatient and irritable with shows that aren’t to my taste the way I used to. Throughout the late summer and fall I found myself increasingly grumpier about the genre, and it didn’t get better until I had a holiday and basically slept a day to get some energy back. I also found myself growing apart from fans I’ve known and followed a long time. It’s been a difficult year for me as a long-time fan because my tastes, habits, and friendships in the genre have changed even if the amount I watch hasn’t really.

I Wrote a Lot This Year

I recently converted my watch tag away from my gaming internet persona to just my shortname, so all near-1000 of my Stray Thoughts posts can be found under #ben watches now. I’ve also been going back and adding #ben writes to some of the standalone pieces that I really liked. In reviewing them, the pieces I’m happiest about are my ode to Framboise from Kabe Koji Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to Be Recognized, my post begging everyone to watch La Pluie, my post about what it means to actually like queer men, my SBS ep 10 post that ended up being wrong, my post about the Lavender Scare and Be My Favorite, my Tokyo in April is… post about the breaking of the BL line,

However, the two posts I am most proud of is my half-joking response about why I think tagging each other back and forth across Tumblr in our writing is so important. and The Knowing: Being Queer in BL because I had so much great conversations with folks as a result of both of these posts.

Looking back at my own blog, this is probably the most active I’ve been in my entire time on this website, so thank you to everyone who interacted with me this year, because it really is people talking to me that gets me most inspired to write things down. Big shout out to @lurkingshan who will bug me repeatedly until I blog something that I said in passing.

We Started a Podcast!

After hanging out with @shortpplfedup since Bad Buddy, she got inspired and really wanted to bring something different to the BL podcasting sphere. I had time, and liked talking with her enough, so we started @the-conversation-pod. Now we’re a full year into it and planning out future stuff. It’s been so much fun being able to get things off my soul and break poor NiNi in our recording sessions.

From this year, I think my favorite episodes we did were The Moonlight Chicken Episode, the Eighth Sense episode, the ITSAY Anniversary Episodes,  The Wedding Plan episode, , and The Holiday Clip Show. Huge shout out to @ginnymoonbeam for anchoring the transcription process, and @lurkingshan for editing.

The VIIB Awards will begin airing soontm so look forward to that.

Favorite New Term: Business Gay Performance

Let’s be clear, Bump Up Business is not good. It is an obvious BL cash grab from OnlyOneOf that seeks to comment on the fake nature of BL while doing everything it can to trick the audience into believing that the BL pair is real.

Before we got deeper into this year, I was a big fan of a certain pairing, and then their fans took it too far and it affected the way I engaged with their performances and their work. I like that we have a new term for “fanservice” that communicates that you understand that this is for work. (thanks to NiNi for this comparison) I can look at the latest behind the scenes video from Last Twilight and say that I think Sea really understands the work they’re doing, and he and Jimmy have a very relaxed and mature version of BGP without feeling like I’m feeding into shipping.

Do I think they’re dating? No. Do I like the way they fake it? Absolutely!

I can look at one of @respectthepetty posts about Yin and War having personalized, color-coded mics, and we can talk about the next level BGP between the two and both communicate that we know that this is a performance.

It actually makes the extra PR work fun for me again, because now I can just shout “BGP! BGP! BGP!” and it not feel like I’m giving myself brainrot.

Thai BL Needs to Finish Stronger Next Year

Let’s get into some of the show stuff. This year was defined for me by Thai BL starting strong with good premises and then squandering them by not focusing on the details that mattered or leaning into baseless melodrama. Time for some reads. Some of these shows were generally good, but they failed at these things:

609 Bedtime Story: The world building crumpled in the back half and both endings are flat.

A Boss and a Babe: Cher is a pro gamer who worked for a gaming company and there was no plot point about this at all, or collaboration between the two groups.

Bake Me Please: Why was a show about cake so lacking in flavor?

Be Mine SuperStar: You had a real opportunity to explore a fan and idol romance and had Punn show so little growth. I hope the footage of First’s range is helpful now that Ja is out of BL.

Be My Favorite: You redid that whole amusement park date and muddled so much of what the hell happened on that day.

Between Us: You had years to make this interesting. Why are there five pairs and why is the end of this a JC Penny catalog photoshoot?

Dangerous Romance: What the fuck happened to the Sailom we had in episode 1 and 2 before that gun incident?

Hidden Agenda: Tee, what the hell was this? Twelve weeks of this?

I Feel You Linger in the Air: You may be the most beautiful show, with some of the most impressive performances of the year, but you absolutely botched this ending. Finish the goddamn season next time.

Love in Translation: I love you, but that whole kidnapping plot was so stupid at the end.

Low Frequency: I like your OST. That's about it.

My Dear Gangster Oppa: No examination about how gaming friendships become close quickly because of the combination of anonymity and teamwork (shout out to @twig-tea for this excellent summation).

My School President: Saving your gay commentary for the final episode felt like a conservative choice. I want more from you next time.

Naughty Babe: You retconned your own characters to tell a worse story. Unforgiveable.

Never Let Me Go: You didn’t know if you wanted to be a high school BL or a mafia story. It was difficult to watch.

Only Friends: I cannot believe you did Boston like that at the end. Either give Force’s character a clear personality next time, or keep him enigmatic; half measures make him and Book look worse. Sand was absolutely embarrassing. Boeing was a waste. Ending on all of them paired like that felt so unearned.

Step By Step: You forgot to ground Jeng’s external dreams at the end, so the final two episodes are just frustrating.

I’m glad I got that off my chest. We can go into the next year now.

Korea Put in the Work This Year

I really like the efforts from the various Korean studios this year. I really hope we get a Strongberry joint next year, but I want to acknowledge that we had 18 Korean BL dramas I watched this year, and at least three of them I think are must watches: Our Dating Sim, Sing My Crush, and The Eighth Sense. Beyond that, I think Love Tractor, Unintentional Love Story, and A Breeze of Love are easy recommendations.

It’s really impressive how the complaint for me this year with Korean BL is not about them using their time poorly. It’s more about normal drama concerns, where I think characterization is a little weak, or a theme doesn’t land squarely. This rapid iteration from the Korean studios is really impressive to watch, and I’m excited to see what some of the recognized players do next year.

Taiwan and The Philippines Have Been Quiet for Me

I wasn’t really able to connect with much from the Philippines this year except for The Day I Loved You. I never wrote about The Day I Loved You, but this beautiful and heart wrenching show is one of my favorites from this year. I wasn’t too keen on the Oxin Films offerings of this year, and I’m still chasing down the ones from The IdeaFirst Company.

As for Taiwan, this new BL project from the end of the year just isn’t hitting. Kiseki: Dear to Me also ended up really hurting me with the way they used Wayne Song and Huang Chun Chih. I love that angry little man with the white hair, but I’m still salty about Wayne and the general mess of that show.

Japan was Busy This Year

I watched 16 new shows, a few older ones, and a few movies this year from Japan. We haven’t gotten this much from them ever. I continue to love the Drama Shower project from MBS, and my beloved What Did You Eat Yesterday? returned this year. We had pretty stellar outings with Our Dining Table, If It’s With You, and I Cannot Reach You.

I think a third of the Japanese BL I’ve tracked on MDL actually released this year. That’s huge.

Still, I am going to side eye Minato’s Laundromat 2. You were the show that let me down the most this entire year. More than Only Friends, more than Step By Step, and even more than Kiseki. You absolutely blew it. You were telling a great story about a man with an acute case of internalized homophobia coming out of his shell and learning to love his younger partner and you blew it for stupid amnesia nonsense. I will never forgive you for this.

Where Were All the Uncles This Year?

Really, without Jim from Moonlight Chicken, and without the men from What Did You Eat Yesterday? we had an alarming dearth of older gay characters passing on knowledge and wisdom to the youngsters this year. What the hell happened?

Rare Dynamics Won: Second Chance Romance and Friends to Lovers!

We had so much second chance romance this year. It’s really my favorite version of gay romance because gays don’t always have ideal settings when they’re young. We had Our Dating Sim, Individual Circumstances, Jun & Jun, The End of the World With You, Tokyo in April is…, Be My Favorite, Love Class Season 2, and A Breeze of Love. I am satisfied.

Friends to Lovers is actually so rare in romance and we have so many to choose from this year! The best examples are I Cannot Reach You and Sing My Crush, but we also have one of the pairs in Love Class Season 2.

Gay Thoughts

I had a couple of ongoing thoughts this year about queerness in BL.

First, I want to return to my post about Sing My Crush and La Pluie, and how I assert that Men Need to Be Angry Sometimes. More than giving men grace to be righteously angry or upset about things, along with letting them express it in ugly ways, I really want to get into how we engage with these shows. I will stop engaging with moralistic reads on characters in 2024. I will no longer engage with asks, reblogs, or meta gripping the fandom where we're judging the moral fiber of the character.

The question that really only matters for me at this point is: Is this act from the character justified from their characterization, the narrative, or genre conventions; and is it interesting? Whether or not the character is good or bad reeks of the lame arguments about good and bad representation, and I am not watching BL like I’m being graded in Sunday school.

The second thing I really want to acknowledge at the end of the year is that the gay sex is finally getting better again. I watched The Novelist this year, and we have taken so long to get back to the space that show took us on the portrayal of male-male intimacy. We are in the genre about people with dicks. It should feel like it. There should be a masculine component there that feels specific to queer intimacy.

I will acknowledge 2 Cutie 2 Pie, A Boss and a Babe, Be Mine SuperStar, Bed Friend, Candy Color Paradox, For Him, I Cannot Reach You, Kiseki: Dear to Me, La Pluie, Love Class 2, Love in Translation, Love Mate, Middleman’s Love, Naughty Babe, Only Friends, The End of the World With You, Tokyo in April is…, and Wedding Plan for your contributions.

Final Thoughts

I like how broad the genre felt this year, and I enjoyed how much speculative fiction is entering into the conversation. I don’t know how I feel about there being five vampire stories in the works next year, but overall I’m glad that we’re getting more experimental concepts. I’m burnt out on the college engineering BL, and would like to see more shows about working adults.

Despite how grumpy I was for at least three months, I think this has genuinely been one of the best years we’ve ever had in the genre. I made a lot of new friends in BL this year, and I’m excited to see what comes next. Thank you all for spending some of your time with me this year and I’ll see you in the next one.

#Ben writes #best of bl 2023 #bl series #thai bl #japanese bl #taiwanese bl #filipino bl #korean bl #ben watches

[fae-morrigan]

people… like jonjay? i didnt know that. curiously, what is the appeal besides yknow, gay superman?

This is worded hilariously, so I will deign myself to answer it.

In short: It has nothing to do with Jon (the aforementioned Gay Superman) and everything to do with Jay. Most jayjon shippers are Jay stans first and Jon is there too, I guess.

You probably have heard a lot of things about Mr. Jay Nakamura. Basically none of them are true, other than his hair being obnoxiously pink.

No, he's not some evil mastermind who manipulated Jon into a relationship with him. No, he's not a cruel and mean evil man who mistreats Jon. No, he's not a boring character with no personality. Frankly I don't even know how you get that last one, he's got an insane amount of presence on page.

What is Jay Nakamura then?

He's an investigative political journalist who was pushed into becoming that when a western-backed American dictatorship took over his country and subjected him to medical torture (giving him his powers). He's a refugee from a country that has been in turmoil since its creation by Jim Lee all the way back in the 90's Wildstorm universe. He, despite all of this, is overwhelmingly chill when Jon straight up cannot be, up to and including being the voice of reason and formulating complicated plans on the fly. He's a sensitive, caring man who deeply concerns himself with the well-being of others, but never himself, up to and including putting himself in danger. He's the real protagonist of Son of Kal El, and he dresses and has the color scheme of a poison dart frog. He looks like if Oscar the Grouch went to a drag show and came back with ideas. He's like if a 100 gecs song was a guy. And he's Superman's beloved. That's interesting by itself before you even get to Jon's side of things!

They meet under the following circumstances for Jon:

He's more or less just returned from the Volcano & his stint with the Legion. So, fresh off the heels of life-altering Trauma.

Clark, genius, decides this is a GREAT time to leave to liberate Warworld, leaving Jon (unstable) to be Superman alone.

He's not had a proper possession or attachment in years. Everything was fleeting and painful in the Volcano. He's now older than his best friend, his parents expect him to act like he did when he was 12, and the whole world knows who he is so he can't even walk to the coffee shop and buy himself a fun drink to calm his nerves.

Imagine you're Jon and killing yourself isn't an option: What do you do?

Well, you talk to your only friend in the whole wide world, Damian, and Damian (autistic) recommends you solve your turmoil by watching his favorite political twitch streamer, a guy named The Truth. So you do, you wake up at seven in the canonical morning to do so, and you find out about a boat of refugees that need saving, and you go and you save them because you may not be coping well but you ARE still superman!

And that leads... directly into Jon meeting Jay (who is in fact The Truth) on the rooftop at the end of issue 2 of Son of Kal El. In their first real meeting, Jay becomes the first person since the age up to fully emphasize with Jon's situation and to offer him a tangible solution and partnership.

So obviously Jon becomes obsessed. Immediately.

I'm not joking: I think people assume that Jay was the instigator for their romance, but no, actually, Jay was just kind of a helpful dude who gave tips on where to be and how to help, and Jon was straight up blowing off Clark to go meet him and get arrested for his cause.

^ JON, A WOMAN JUST EXPLODED PART OF METROPOLIS. FINISH YOUR DAMN SENTENCE.

Even their big romantic scene in issue 5 is characterized by Jay offering him basic care, taking Jon in when Jon's on the brink of collapse:

And then Jon kisses him. And it is Jon who kissed first, by the way. Its much clearer in the initial sketches from the first volume trade. First kiss Jay canonically initiates is in issue 15!

And this caring, this protectiveness, this understanding, characterizes their romance from then on: Its fast, its heated, its intense, but its never blind.

They help each other- Jon helps Jay free his country, and Jay helps Jon rest. It is the kind of romance that begins with infatuation and continues with devotion.

That's the real appeal of jonjay, anon: These are two weird ass people who found each other when they needed each other most. Two people on the verge of Giving Up who then carry each other out of the darkness.

So why the hell am I the only one who give a shit?

I think the hang up on people liking Jayjon comes from two places:

Firstly, people don't like the age up. Which, fair, I mean, it was a wack ass decision on Bendis's part, but its been what, six years? Get over yourself, like, actually. They're not reversing it. Either acclimate or leave people who like it alone. I'm saying this as a longtime Legion of Super Heroes fan, if you can't find the good and interesting in otherwise stupid decisions, comics are NOT the medium for you lmfao.

Secondly, people go into Son of Kal El expecting a queer romance, and then are annoyed when Jay and Jon get together fast and the book is more plot-motivated. But that's uh, that's the thing, SOKE is not a queer romance, the gay stuff is just the cherry on top, the seasoning- Son of Kal El is a book about fighting colonialism. Why do you think so many marginalized comic fans like it? The entire plot of the book is about overthrowing an American-sponsored dictator in order to liberate an Asian country. Jay & Jon's romance is not only flavoring for this plot, but an expression of its core idea- If you have the power to be an ally, that's what you have to be. Jon's arc in that book is basically entirely learning how to be a good ally to an oppressed group. Just so happens part of how he learns that is by kissing a man!

#jayjon #jonjay #jay nakamura #jonathan samuel kent #jon kent #SOKE #Son of Kal El #This post is such a TLDR by the way this doesn't even get into the half of it

[newtthetranswriter]

Dayquil, Curses, and Soulmates

Paring: Toge inumaki x gn! reader

Summary: In a world where soulmates are real, you get a bond that is quite annoying per say, you feel each other's pain, and your soulmate happens to be the one guy in the world that has a lifetime supply of throat medicine.

Word count: 1698 

Warnings: talk of explosion, talk of medicine, talk of pain, putting these just in case cause you never know

A/n: thought this was a fun idea, let me know how you like it, and big thanks to @just-jordie-things​ for the bit about bumping into each other buying cough medicine. Also if you catch my reference you get a cookie. please ignore any typos, i might come back and fix it later. If I mention school I mean college.  MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT

 For as long as i could remember i have always got random pain in my throat. I couldn’t explain it but I would describe it as if I swallowed sandpaper. When I was younger it used to happen all of the time. One moment I was fine and being a happy kid and the next I was coughing like I hadn't had water in days. Around the age of five though my parents took me to the doctor to see if they could figure it out. Turns out that out of all the soulmate connections I could have, I’m stuck sharing pain with my soulmate. I couldn’t help but wonder what my soulmate was doing at such a young age to cause such pain so often.

 At around the age of ten or so it stopped happening as often, but when it happened it sucked. I got used to always carrying around a bottle of cough medicine for when it happened so I could at least talk with less pain. I still have no clue as to what my soulmate does to give us such terrible sore throats but I'm at least glad they slowed down a bit. 

  Today was a normal Saturday which means going out to check the shops for any cool trinkets I might want and get some snacks. Even though I was going out to get fun things, my first stop was the corner store to pick up some more cough medicine as I ran out last week and forgot to get more. 

  I swear when I meet my soulmate they are paying me back for all this cough medicine I have to buy. I thought to myself as I entered the store I have been a regular at for the past two years since starting school. I waved at the shop keeper as I walked off to the medicine aisle to grab my usual travel bottle of cough syrup and an extra just in case. As I reached for the medicine my hand bumped into someone else who seemed to be reaching for the same thing as me. 

  “Oh, I’m sorry you were here first; you can go ahead.” I said looking up at the stranger. Looking at them I would guess that they were a boy about my age with fluffy white hair and beautiful purple eyes. I also noticed he was wearing a school uniform with what looked like an extra-long collar covering the lower half of his face. Even though I was confused by it, I tried not to stare at the handsome stranger in front of me.

  He looked almost shocked when I spoke to him. He gave me a small nod, grabbed the medicine and walked away. I couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t said anything but brushed it off as him being shy. After he reached the register, I finally snapped out of my trance and grabbed my own bottles of cough medicine and headed to the front.

   “Hey, there Y/n. Soulmate causing trouble again?” asked Ukai, the owner of the small business who is used to me coming in every couple week.

   “Yeah, I wonder what they keep doing to cause this cause it's so annoying not being able to talk for an hour because of the pain.” I responded not noticing the stranger from earlier freezing up for a second before leaving the store.

  “Well kiddo, I hope you find them soon so you get some answers.” He responded as he handed me my bag. “Have a good day and good luck with the soulmate.”

     After waving goodbye to the man behind the counter who was always kind to me I made my way towards the shops for the day. I was ready to just enjoy my time alone with my thoughts, mostly plotting revenge on my soulmate for this pain, but also just enjoying the fresh air.

  After a few hours I noticed it starting to get dark and decided it was probably best to head home before my parents get concerned. I also don’t really enjoy being out when it gets dark. I don't know how to explain it but other than the annoying soulmate connection, ever since I was kid I could see these weird creatures. As I got older I started ignoring them but whenever I go out at night it seems like there's a lot more, and they give me the creeps.

  As I was passing an alleyway I heard rustling and paused to look and see if it was an animal or something, boy was I wrong. As I looked down the alleyway towards the sound one of the creatures, that I feel like only I can see, lunged towards me. Long dark claws stretched out towards me, right as it was about to sink its claws into my arm I heard what sounded like someone running up from the side, and a voice yelling to move. I’m not sure what came over me, it was like my feet had a mind of their own and I jumped out of the way.

 “EXPLODE” was the next thing I heard the voice say before the creature did just that. It exploded in a large cloud of smoke. Almost immediately after that thing exploded, I was thrown into my own terrible coughing fits, but what was even weirder was I could make out the sound of someone else coughing as well. I reached for the cough medicine I bought earlier and drank half of the first bottle, as large amounts were the only thing that helped.

  “What the hell was that?” I rasped out as best I could waiting for the medicine to start working. The person who had saved me looked up at me with a look of shock on his face. It was at that moment I recognized that it was the same guy from earlier. I could tell it was him from his white hair and uniform jacket that now had the collar unzipped, with the collar no longer hiding the lower half of his face. I could make out what looked like strange tattoos on either side of his mouth. 

  I probably also had a look of shock on my face as I pieced everything together. One this guy could see the weird creatures as well, two he somehow made me move and that thing explode with just words. Last and most important, this guy is my soulmate, it just makes sense it can’t be a coincidence that my soulmate would get a throat pain right as this guy saves me, causing his own coughing fit. I was sure of it and judging by the look on his face he figured it out as well.

  I waited for a moment as I watched him scramble for something in his pocket, and he let out a sound of triumph as he pulled out his phone and walked closer to me while typing out a message. He motioned for me to look at the screen. Sorry for making you spend so much on cough medicine, It's part of my job kinda. I looked at him slightly confused as he started typing again.

  “Why do you keep typing, why not voice what's up instead?” I asked, not understanding fully why this guy who just made something explode with his voice is now refusing to talk. I watched as he shook his head at me and pointed to his phone again. My throat is still messed up, but I also can’t talk like you do. I could explain more over dinner tomorrow if that's ok with you? He asked me using his phone's note app. I looked at him skeptically for a second, but the agreed and gave him my phone number to text me the details.

  “I’m Y/n, by the way, if we’re soulmates I figure we should probably know each other's names” I said as he started typing again. It's nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Toge Inumaki, but you can just call me Toge. After I finished reading the message on his phone I looked up into his kind purple eyes and knew that this was the start of something great. “I can’t wait to go out tomorrow, and also find out whats up with that thing that you blew up.” I said with a chuckle 

  “Salmon” I heard the boy next to me rasp out, his voice sounding more messed up than mine did when I first spoke a minute ago. I looked at him confused for a second before I felt my phone go off in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a message from an unknown number. Hey, it's me, your soulmate, what I mean by salmon is I can't wait for tomorrow either. I also promise to explain everything, I bet this is all kinda weird :)  I read the message and smiled back at him as his face lit up with one of the brightest smiles I had ever seen. 

  “Well it's getting late, I should be getting home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye Toge.” I said waving to him as I walked off hearing a small “salmon” and catching him waving before zipping his collar and walking the opposite direction.

   I was a few blocks away and almost home when my phone went off again: get homesafe, if you need me text please. Have a goodnight.  I smiled at the message and responded with an ok, you too. After the small text exchange I finally made it home, I went up stairs and went to bed happy with how the day went. I may have been almost attacked by a weird creature that most people apparently can’t see, but I finally met my soulmate. I can’t wait to get to know him and maybe find out why i was saying salmon so much but hey that's a problem for tomorrow.

  I drifted off to sleep with the thoughts of my soulmate and some slight planning on how to get revenge for the non stop sore throats without causing pain, cause that would be counterproductive.

#toge inumaki x reader #toge inumaki #inumaki x reader #jjk x reader #soulmates #jjk soulmate au #toge inumaki x reader soulmate au #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu toge #jujustsu kaisen x reader

[jasmines-library]

Can you do a Winchester sister fic pls where the sister gets years taken off her life by saving Dean (how Dean took years off his life to save Bobby in season 5) and she’s running out of time and while Sam is finishing up the poker game against the witch to save her, she dies in deans arms (the sister is closer with Dean and always looked up to him and the boys ofc are always protective of her) but then Sam wins the poker game and brings her back

The Curious Case of Dean Winchester

Note: This one was really fun to write. I hope you don't mind that I added my own little twist onto the episode (S5E7) and that it's pretty angsty: I couldn't help myself.

warnings: Death but only brief, swearing once or twice.

Word count: 2.3K (wow it's been a hot minute since I've written like this and i've missed it)

⛤ SPN MASTERLIST ⛤

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

Those were the last words Dean Winchester told you before you split off to search the other side of town. Of course, that is exactly what you did. 

As soon as Cliff Whitlow, the missing victim, had revealed the man behind his so-called miracle, you knew exactly what you had to do. The man behind the unusual deaths- Patrick, was a witch- a powerful one at that. And you needed a Witch. 

See, Dean had got himself into a predicament. He had made a deal with a crossroads demon so that Bobby could walk again. He couldn’t bear to see him so miserable anymore, so he did what he thought was the right thing to do. Bobby was mad, you and Sam even madder, and you were now running out of time to find a way to get him out of it. It frustrated you that Dean’s impending doom was creeping up slowly on  you, ready to grab him at any second, but no one was doing anything about it. So you took matters into your own hands. 

You took the elevator around the back of the bar down to the basement after bribing the bartender with enough money to make you cringe. It was rickety and jolted unnervingly as it descended, opening up into another bar. Few people lingered around sipping from glasses of spirits that lined the walls, though you paid little attention to them because your gaze had locked onto him. He sat smugly in a secluded section of the room behind a table a poker game had been laid out on. Leaning back on his chair he watched his latest victim bet away his life. He was using magic to enchant the poker chips, grinning as he scooped the man's chips towards him, watching as his face turned ashen and grey. 

“That’s a cruel trick you got there.” You said making your way over to the table. 

“Thank you.” He shrugged, rearranging the black and red chips with a smirk. “I take it you’re here for a reason?”

“I want to play.”

He glanced up at you, raising a brow and speaking to you with a thick, Irish lilt. “You look awfully young for someone trying to get more years… that is unless?”

“I’m not a witch.”

“I see.” you were intriguing him now. “How can I help you?”

“My brother. He made a demon deal. I need you to get rid of it in return for my years.”

The witch tilted his head as he looked at you keely. “Now slow down there, princess. Cancelling a demon deal is a very difficult thing to do. Takes a whole bunch of magic and persuasion to do that. Giving me a few years isn’t going to be enough.”

“30.” You laid down. 

“Tempting.” He hummed, “But I think we can have some real fun with this. What do you say?”

“Whatever. Just help my brother.”

“Good answer. I’ll play for your brother’s deal. You win, I'll try to cut your brother's deal.”

“And if I lose?”

“60.” The staggering number almost made your heart stop, but you were doing this for Dean. Sam needed him. The world needed him. “But it’ll start slowly until you least expect it.”

“Deal. Oh and one more thing.”

The witch leaned forwards in his chair

“Dean can’t play to replace my years with his own.”

“You must be very desperate.” The witch mused, gesturing for you to take a seat as he began to shuffle his deck of cards. “That or you’re extremely stupid. Who knows. But I like you. You show loyalty to your family and that’s very important. Perhaps, once you lose I might even see if I can remove your brother's deal. I’m feeling generous today.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Just shut up and play.”

~

“Y/N?”

Dean’s voice made you stop dead in your tracks as you rounded the corner after stepping out of the elevator. He stared at you with an irascible look, though you could see the confusion hidden in his eyes. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” He hissed at you. You were supposed to be across the other side of town. When the three of you split up, you took off in the wrong direction to slip into the bar before your brothers found it. You had taken the receipt from one of the victims' jackets and raced down there in hopes that you would make it out before one of them stumbled across it. I guess you were just incredibly unlucky today.

“Planting daisies.” You said sarcastically as you tried to push your way past your brother so he wouldn’t see your face.  “What’s it look like?”

“So you found the game?” He queried, chasing after you. 

“Yep.”

“Did you stop it?”

You kept quiet and continued on straight. You had lied to Dean hundreds of times before so why couldn’t you bring yourself to do it now?

“Y/N?”

You stopped, turning to face him with a sigh.

“Not exactly…”

You could see the dread on his face now. “What did you do?”

You swallowed thickly. “I played. Okay?”

Dean Winchester stared at you dumbfounded for a moment, his lips twitching as he struggled to process the right words. “And?”

“...I lost.”

Your brother nearly exploded. “Are you kidding me?! The one thing I told you not to do was ‘anything studpid’. And you played some He-witch?!”

“Someone had to do something Dean! I can’t just sit by everyday knowing that you could be dragged away from us any second. I can’t go through that again Dean.”

“You idiot.” He was blaming himself, you could hear it on his tongue; the way he seethed. “Sammy and I are looking for something. We will find something.”

“That’s what you said last time. And I'm sorry Dean, but I can’t. Sammy needs you. The world needs you.”

“And you don’t think we need you?! You can’t go throwing your years away.”

“They’re my years. I can do what I want.”

“How many did you lose Y/N?”

“60.”

~

Sam bustled through the door trying to balance a tray of drinks and a paper bag filled with fast food. He slid them on the counter and tossed his keys beside them as he called out.

“Are you guys home?”

“In here, Sammy.” Dean emerged from the bathroom and Sam could tell his brother was mad. He was wearing that stern look and his voice was agitated. 

“Where’s Y/N?”

“Here.” You bundled through the door, glancing silently between your brothers gripping a candy bar you had wrangled from one of the vending machines. You didn’t really want it you just needed an excuse to get out of the motel room and escape from the tension and side glances that Dean shot your way. 

Sam studied you for a moment as you pulled out a chair to slump on. At first glance he hardly noticed it, but he realised that you looked older. Not by a lot, but you moved differently and your eyes were ever so slightly more creased. 

“Either of you two wanna tell me what happened?”

“Y/N’s got a death wish. That’s what happened.” Dean stated, rummaging in the bag that Sam had brought back from the diner. 

“Oh so I was just supposed to let you die? Again?”

“Yes. Or find another way.” Dean spat back at you but you knew he was scared. Scared and feeling guilty for what your near future might entail. 

Sam blinked as the two of you argued, firing words at each other. “Whoa. Slow down. What happened? Did you find the witch?”

“Oh yeah. Y/N found the witch alright, Sammy. Why don’t you tell him what happened, Kid?”

“I played.”

“You what?”

“I played for Dean’s deal to be spoiled… and I lost.”

“Oh God, Y/N/N… How much did you lose?”

“60…” You started, watching the horror cross his features. “But he’s taking them slowly. Waiting until we least expect it.”

“And there’s the punchline.” Dean could have laughed. 

Sam was in shock, though he understood why you had done it. He understood why you were hurting. He was there when Dean was taken. He saw how broken up it made you and he saw how you clung to him when he returned, hesitant to leave his side for weeks. 

“Oh kiddo.” he sighed “What have you gotten yourself into?”

~

“You know, I still think I should play.” Sam said. The three of you had just broken into the Witch’s flat. Sam and Dean believed that if they got hold of the chips then they could find a way to get you your years back, but you had been caught and the witch had revealed that the chips had nothing to do with it. That was when Sam was given the idea to play for you. In the meantime you could feel your body changing and see the lines being etched into your face. 

“No. No.” Dean cut his brother off straight away. “You’re not good enough. I’m better, Y/N's way better. We both lost.”

“What so I don’t get a say in this anymore? Dean can’t play so I’m the only option we got. I’ve watched you hustle plenty of poker games. Hell, that’s how Y/N learnt-”

“Sammy.” You pleaded. You knew that if this went wrong everything you did would have been for nothing. “Please. No.”

“Y/N. We can’t just let you… you’ll die. We’re going to find you a way out of this. I promise.”

~

“Take it.” The blonde woman, the one from the bar and the witch’s apartment, was perched on your bed as the three of you hustled back into the room. Dean’s fingers instinctively reached for the gun he had tucked in his waistband. “It’ll help.”

Sam took the parchment gingerly, turning it over in his hands before reading the messy handwriting scrawled across the page. “What is this?”

“The most powerful reversal spell you’ve ever laid your eyes on.”

“And it reverses what?” Dean asked.

“Patrick’s work. All of it.”

“You saying she could be normal again?” Your brother’s hand found your shoulder protectively.

“Her and everyone else he’s ever played.” She said before adding “who’s still alive.”

“Why the hell should we trust you?” Sam scowled.

“Trust me, don’t trust me. I don’t care.” She stood and made her way to the door. “The spell is real.”

“If it zaps everyone, doesn’t that include your man?” Dean asked. 

“And me too.” She shrugged, “I look good for my age.”

“Lady, this don’t add up for shit.” Dean said. “Why would you want that?”

“I have my reasons.” her hand went to fiddle with the silver locket around her neck before she fled. “Do it quickly. We leave town tomorrow.”

~

The spell hadn’t worked. 

When Dean tossed the toothpick Sam had smuggled him into the flames he looked up at you with a hopeful glint in his eyes but nothing happened. You didn’t get younger. And Sam was still betting his life away against that witch. 

You could feel it now, the way your life was slowly slipping away. At first you didn’t really notice it, but as soon as you began pursuing Patrick, you knew your end was approaching quickly. You supposed that ‘when you least expected’ was a lot closer than you expected. The thought made you bitter as you shuffled into the car, wincing at the way your joints ached the way they would after a long hunt or session at the gym. 

Dean glanced at you through Baby’s mirror as he sped down the road towards Patrick’s apartment in search of some more of his DNA. His concern grew as you climbed the stairs much slower than you would usually have done and as you entered his room.

The two of you searched quickly, looking anywhere for a speck of something that might contain just a speck of his DNA. another one of those toothpicks or something. Albeit the pair of you were struggling to find anything. 

And then it is you. All at once your joints popped and clicked as your body changed suddenly. You cried out in pain as your brother ran to your side to catch you before you could hit the ground. 

“No. No. Not yet.”

You blinked up at him as you struggled to breath, your heart slowing as your body forgot how to function. 

“Dean…” Your voice faded as he cradled you in his arms. Your breaths slowing and your eyes fluttering.

“No.” His voice broke as he fumbled for his phone. “No you hang on sweetheart. Come on Sammy, pick up!”

There was no answer as Dean’s phone rang and went straight through to Sam’s voicemail. “Son of a bitch!” he exclaimed as he through his phone across the room, tears streaming down his face as he clung to you. Watching your chest slowly rise and fall. Up and down…up and down…up..and…down…up-

There was nothing after that. You lay morbidly still in his arms as your body ceased to function. 

“No! Y/N. I can’t lose you now. Please….”

You did not move and the room was filled with the sound of your big brother’s grief and he sobbed. And then, you took a gasping breath and sat up abruptly in his arms. 

Your body had returned to normal. The extra wrinkles around your eyes and the grey hairs gone. Your breaths were steady and your heart was strong. 

“Y/N/N?” He whispered.

“Dean?” Your eyes searched him. “Sammy did it.”

“Yeah.” He breathed out, squeezing you tightly. “I knew he would.”

Dean’s phone began to ring from across the room. Reluctantly, he peeled himself away from you as he moved to get it, though his attention never strayed far from you.”

“Dean?!” You heard your other brother over the speakers. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah. You did it, Sam. She’s going to be just fine.”

#supernatural x reader #supernatural #spn x reader #dean Winchester #Dean Winchester x Reader #dean winchester x injured reader #Dean Winchester x sister reader #dean winchester x little sister reader #supernatural x little sister reader #supernatural x sister reader #Sam Winchester #Sam Winchester x reader #sam winchester x injured sister reader #sam winchester x little sister reader #sam winchester x sister reader #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #death #swearing #hurt/comfort #hurt no comfort #angst

[bi-bard]

Wasteland, Baby! I'm In Love with You - Sam Winchester Imagine [Supernatural]

Title: Wasteland, Baby! I'm In Love with You

Pairing: Sam Winchester X Reader

Based On: Wasteland, Baby!

Word Count: 1,387 words

Warning(s): canon-typical injuries/sickness

Summary: [Season 11] The apocalypse was constantly looming overhead. (Y/n) had sworn to keep their feelings for Sam to themself until the threat was gone. However, with a new threat popping up every other day, (Y/n) grows tired of waiting and decides to throw caution to the wind.

Author's Note: I remember this being the most difficult song to decide a character for.

WASTELAND, BABY! - HOZIER WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

-----------------

I always felt selfish for wanting to leave the hunting life.

It had been instilled in me that I was given this life for a reason. Mainly so some other poor bastard didn't have to do it. It was a rough path to follow, but I was doing it for the right reason.

That didn't change that I still ended up in these states where all I wanted was to walk away from it all. Go find some job in some small grocery store or simply hide away in a cabin somewhere.

Those states only got worse after I met Sam.

Getting dragged into the Winchester's world was like being pulled into the next circle of hell. An apocalypse was around every corner. A new monster seemed to always find us before anyone else. We solved the problems caused by monsters, demons, angels, and even the Devil.

I thought that the increased danger was the only reason that my craving for normalcy had gotten so much worse.

As time went on, I knew that wasn't the case.

Over the years, I started to realize that it wasn't the bigger risks. It was the fact that I could actually picture it now. Instead of some vague idea, it was a vivid image. I could find myself not just longing for it, but actually picturing it with another person... with Sam.

I would've given anything to give up on that ridiculous idea of mine. Our lives were run by death and the constant risk of the world ending. Entertaining the childish feelings that I had was doing nothing other than wasting time.

But as the years passed, I found that I just couldn't shake those little habits. Looking for him after a fight, leaning in just a little bit closer whenever we sat next to each other, agreeing with him on almost everything. Constant reminders that I couldn't just brush this all off until later.

I held it all back for as long as I could.

And then, Amara happened. And she brought a... sickness with her.

Sam wanted me to leave when Dean did. I refused. He didn't like the idea of me staying there, but I didn't really care. Walking away from him felt impossible.

I found him sitting in the chapel. He was silent, either praying to God or about to.

"Hey," I said. He jumped, turning to me. "Sorry."

He just turned back toward the front of the chapel. I walked over and sat in the chair next to him.

"(Y/n)-"

"Don't tell me to sit farther away," I cut him off. "I'm getting tired of that speech."

"I wouldn't have to keep giving it if you just listened to me."

"Oh, what fun would my life be if I listened to you?" I chuckled. I glanced at the darkness crawling up the veins on his neck. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

I paused for a moment. "You don't have to lie to me, Sam."

"I'm not," he scoffed.

"Then why are you sitting in a chapel?"

He didn't have a real response to that. He just let the muscles in his jaw shift a bit as he moved a bit in his seat.

"I almost admire it... I would have thought that after so long in this life that praying would just..."

"Lose meaning?"

"Kind of," I shrugged.

"I haven't... I haven't in a very long time," he confessed. "I just... I wanted some sign of a cure."

I nodded.

We fell silent after that. I took the time to study him with little to no consequence. My eyes moved from the veins on his neck to his jaw. From his jaw to his eyes. His ever-so worried eyes. Always wanting an answer. Always wanting to save someone. I never knew that such a simple expression could make me feel truly at peace. I adored it.

I don't know when I truly decided to throw any and all caution to the wind.

I just knew that I had to.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if this all took a turn for the worse and I never said anything to him.

"Sam..."

He looked over at me.

I froze for a moment. As if the realization of what I was going to do was finally setting in. I just needed to find a way to get the words out.

My hesitation must've been obvious to him. "(Y/n)?"

"I...," I took a deep breath. "I love you."

He scoffed. "I'm not dead yet, (Y/n)."

"I'm being serious."

His small grin fell as he studied my face. I wonder if he was trying to see if I was lying. Or if he was just trying to get a better grasp on what exactly I meant.

He didn't get the chance to ask me about it before he leaned forward and placed his head in his hands. He was very clearly in pain, shaking and grunting.

"Hey, Sam..."

I grabbed his arm. I tried to pull his hand away so I could eventually guide him to look at me.

The topic of that conversation died right then.

We started working on a cure. We actually started saving people. Like we were supposed to. We reconnected with Dean.

What I had thought could've been the end had been averted.

The conversation that Sam and I had would go untouched until after Dean, Sam, and I got back to the bunker.

Dean was helping a very wounded Cas. He waved Sam off to his room like a parent would a toddler. And then he waved me out with him, saying that he could "tell that something was different" and that "we needed to sort it out because he had bigger issues to deal with."

Sam was sitting in his room when I found him.

"Hey," I spoke up, leaning against the doorway.

"Hey," he grinned at me.

"How are you... How are you feeling," I asked. I felt my heart sitting in my throat.

"Fine," he shrugged. There was a pause. "We need to talk... about what you said."

My stomach dropped. I took a deep breath before stepping inside and pushing the door shut behind me. I leaned against the shut door. I don't know if it was my attempt to seem calm or if it was because I was scared to get too close for whatever reason.

"I meant it," I spoke up, trying to calm my nerves for a moment.

"Really," he asked.

"Yeah," I muttered. "I... I've loved you for years now. I kept... I kept thinking that I just needed to wait for a time when the end of the world didn't seem so... imminent, but we were sitting in that hospital and there wasn't a sign of a cure... I couldn't waste any more time. Through every moment that we were looking at the end of the world, my feelings never changed or faltered. They've just always been there."

Sam didn't speak up for a minute. That only worried me more.

"And you don't have to feel the same or even say anything about it. I just needed you to know," I added quickly.

"I do," he replied. "I do feel the same."

"Oh..."

There was this long pause between us. As if we were letting the dust around us settle. Everything that needed to be known was known. The only question left was what was going to happen now.

Sam stood up and walked over to me. I stopped leaning on the door. His hand reached up to touch the side of my face. I grinned at him.

He leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine. I reached forward, touching his sides so I could pull him closer to me. The kiss was slow. After waiting for far too long, we both seemed to have this urge to savor this moment as best we could.

Sam leaned back to press his forehead against mine.

I went to lean forward and kiss him again, but paused when he spoke, "I love you."

I felt the smile growing on my lips.

At that moment, the world could have been burning down around me and I wouldn't hold any fear in my chest.

Because at least I would have him.

-----------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#fanfiction #imagine #supernatural imagine #x reader #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural x reader #sam winchester imagine #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester fanfiction

[bonezone44]

'Schism'

Podcaster!Ezra x fem!Reader

Summary: You confront your ex, Ezra, about his shitty podcast and force him to see the error of his ways. No smut.

Word Count: 1831

a/n: Not beta'd! I'm just gonna let this one ride. I know I mentioned hate-fucking in a post yesterday, but the story took me somewhere else instead.

+++++

He's your ex. That's the only reason you care. That's the only reason you even pay attention when you hear about this new podcast gaining popularity in your social circles.

You broke up years ago. A job offer took you across the country and you hadn't invited him to join you. You and Ezra were young lovers--so wrapped up in each other that it almost felt suffocating. You needed space--find a life for yourself that was all your own. The job didn't work out as well as you had hoped, but you didn't regret the choice you made. You were proud of how much you had learned and grown.

Ezra seemed to forge a different path after the two of you parted ways.

And the popularity of his podcast was not because your friends were entertained by him, but because they were enraged by his persuasive and precarious points-of-view. Baseless accusations and bullshit conspiracies designed to steer his audience from one rabbit hole to another. Shifting goal posts and nihilistic philosophies.

He'd wax poetic about his anonymous sources who supplied him with thumb drives and downloads of confidential government documents. He'd drone on and on about identifying who was really in control of the government. And while his efforts may have uncovered some truths about the proven existence of extra terrestrials, which only inflated his ego, the rest of what he was saying was all ... wrong. Not only factually, but morally. Not only morally, but... it just didn't sound like Ezra at all. You knew how he really felt about things, how he really saw the world. And while he may have never been some golden boy, you knew he knew better than to flagrantly entertain circular logistics with such earnesty.

He was in town, as luck would have it, guest hosting on some other bullshit podcast and you made a point to reach out and make plans. You still shared some mutual friends. You didn't let him know the real reason you needed to see him. You told him it was to simply catch up, for old time's sake. You were relieved when he agreed.

You made a point to meet him at his hotel. You made a point to meet him in his room. You made a point to get him alone. No audience around. No one to perform for. Just you. Just him.

There was a twitch in his smile when he first saw you. There was a hesitancy in his arms when he hugged you back. He tugged at his outfit. A long sleeve black thermal and jeans. His hair was cropped short, freshly cut. He brushed the back of his neck with an anxious hand. He smelled like hotel soap.

You kept the small talk short. You wanted to get it over with so you could get him out of your mind for good--move on and say that at least you tried to reason with him.

---

Ezra knew something was wrong as soon as he laid eyes on you. You had changed. A lot. You weren't the girl you were before, smiling and clinging to his arm, eyes sparkling at him and making him feel like the luckiest boy in the world.

He briefly wondered if you still drank coffee. Wondered if you liked to sleep in on your days off or if you rose with the sun. He wondered if you still liked having your neck bit and nibbled on, then laved with his tongue. He wondered how many other tongues had tasted you since he did last.

"I heard about your podcast," you said once the pleasantries were over. You sat at the end of one of the queen sized beds.

Shame washed down Ezra's body as he leaned against the hotel dresser. He shrugged and spoke to the floor, only glancing up at you when he could stomach it. "A-a-a fun little side project. That's all, really. Something to amuse myself and a-a-a small cabal of close acquaintances. There is money to be made in the world of entertainment and I have found a way to contribute in such a way that allows me to-to-to earn a bit of funding for my ever-hungry pockets." He flashed a brief smile. "You know how I like to indulge myself with the finer things in life and they are unfortunately getting pricier and pricier as time marches on." He cleared his throat. "It's all just a-a-a bit of harmless fun, you know." He walked over to the air unit by the window and turned the temperature lower, his body feeling suddenly so warm.

"You think it's harmless?" you asked, concern evident on your face.

"It's just... it's just something to pass the time and earn a little pocket money. That's all, really." He smiled and shook his head. You were sitting, calmly, several feet away but he felt as if your hand was on his throat. "I have no control over my-my-my---the-the choices of my audience and how they choose to perceive the product that I distribute into the world and I can only do so much as a singular entity."

The disappointed look on your face stabbed Ezra right in his chest.

"They love it," he spoke through clenched teeth. "Every day I wake up and some lost soul has found solace in my words and teachings--"

"Teachings?" You laughed. "What the fuck are you teaching? You're not teaching shit, Ezra! You're spreading a bunch of bullshit!"

"No!" He argued, unable to meet your eye. "I am providing researched information--"

"Oh come on!" You stood from the bed. "You haven't researched shit!"

"I have, actually!" Ezra said much firmer this time. "I have read countless numbers of articles and files about--"

You cut him off with a loud groan, stomping your feet and throwing your fists down. "It doesn't matter, Ezra! It doesn't matter! You know what you're doing!"

"It is for entertainment purposes--"

"No it is not, Ezra! You are fucking with people's heads! Those lost souls needs help, real fucking help, and they're not going to get any of that from you and your bullshit conspiracies that you know are bullshit!"

He laughed and shook his head. "It is not my responsibility to spell it out for everyone. It is not my responsibility to-to-to tell people how to think for themselves."

"But that's exactly what you're doing! You're telling people question every fucking thing that they hear about---"

"They should! They should question everything! Our government is lying to us--"

"Yeah, they are! But the activists aren't! There are groups out there trying to make a real difference in this shitty fucking world and you're on your stupid little podcast telling them to question that, too!"

He shrugged. "Well, how am I to know to trust any group--"

"Oh come on, Ezra! You know better! You know that there are genuinely good people trying to do good things! You have got to have faith!"

"Faith?" Ezra raised his chin. "That's rich coming from you." He watched you roll your eyes. "That is savory to hear those words come from your lips."

You laughed. "Really? Really?" You shook your head. "So, what? A girl breaks up with you once and it becomes your whole personality?"

"No," he said assuredly. "Not just any girl. You." He leaned forward and pointed. "You. You broke up with me. You left me." He held his hand to his chest as tears formed in his eyes. "Where once I was whole, I have been shredded and split in two. A schism. A-a-a cavern of nothingness took your place and I have yet to find anything worthwhile to fill it!" He gritted his teeth, his finger now pointed at the ground.

"I had to leave, Ezra!" You stomped your foot. "I had to--I had to go! All we ever did was lay in bed and fuck all day!"

"What's wrong with that?"

You scoffed. "There are bills to pay! We have lives to live!"

"And?" He asked, his hands now in his pockets. "And therefore your life could not involve me?"

You flopped back down on the bed and broke into sobs. "I had to--I had to know I could do it for myself. I had to know I could be alone and be okay." Your eyes traveled the textured ceiling, the smoothly painted pale walls, the rough gray carpet. "I got so lost in you." You wiped your eyes with your hands, but tears continued to fall. "I didn't want anything else. I didn't want anybody. Everything else disappeared."

"What's wrong with that?" he begged, stepping closer.

"I can't live like that. This life is about me. I have to live for me."

He knelt down in front of you, desperate to hold you but keeping his distance. "And in your efforts to live for no one but yourself, have you found the satisfaction you sought?"

"Some of it, I don't know," you shrugged, still speaking through tears.

"It is a lonely road to travel alone, is it not?"

"Yes," you nodded. You wiped snot from your nose onto your shirt. Eyes squeezed shut.

"Even as I have journeyed without you, and I have allowed the whole world to see my innards, there is an emptiness I still carry. There is a missing piece of myself that I have been searching for in this wasteland of humanity. And it is here before me--"

"No," you spat. "I don't exist for you. I exist for me."

He took a deep breath, another wave of emotions washed down his body. "Perhaps we can exist in tandem. Live our lives parallel to one another." He reached out and rubbed your knee with his broad hand. "As long as we seek to establish peace at the conclusion of our conflicts."

"Will you stop making your stupid podcast?"

Ezra smiled. "Well... I suppose I could." He shrugged. "But perhaps communicating a change of heart to my audience would be a more fortuitous route, in the efforts of those who seek to inspire the sleeping masses into action."

You look down at him, releasing a long sigh of relief. "I've missed you."

"I missed you, too," he answered. He crawled forward as you crawled backward further into the bed.

This was not how you saw this night going and you are more grateful for the outcome than you could have ever imagined.

-----

#ezra prospect #x reader #ezra x fem!reader

[storm-breaker7]

I would absolutely kill for a Chuck Hansen x reader fic, literally anything comfort if you could

Hhshhdwmejejb

Yes ma'am I would to. Right away. *Salutes* (trauma and comfort- but what's the difference?)

A/n: So first rq! So excited! 🐢😀 I hope you like it ma fren, I will slave away until this is done. Also BC you didn't specify I will be doing a gn reader just so everyone is included! ❤️ And the dog is named chip in honour of my passed dog.. he's been gone for awhile but I feel this is the best way to remember him, just giving him small cameos for my fics.

Warnings: bit of angst, fluff, Aussie slang (oh no), a creepy snake kaiju (idek please tell me if you find anything! Please!)

'That Dream Again'

---

I woke up at the blaring of an alarm, 'all yeager pilots report to the main hangar' the loud and annoying monotone voice repeated. Sighing I rolled out of bed and patted my small lab pup I named Chip.

He barked happily and I smiled at the tiny scruff. I walked to the mirror in my room and grabbed my jacket. "Alright get up you old hag" I joked smacking my older brother's leg, further more annoying him on this pleasant morning (I noted without a bit of sarcasm). He groaned and jumped off his top bunk and stretched.

"I'll see ya over there, your taking forever" I mumbled, grabbing Chips lead and taking him out of our shared room. I ran with the energetic pup all the way to the main hangar and puffed out a breath, watching Chip pant happily.

"What's the big fuss?" I questioned as a few more pairs gathered around. Looking around for confirmation, most shrugged and shook their heads. So no-one knew why we were here. Fun.

Soon enough my brother jogged in and then someone started talking. "Now, everyone, we have two kaiju scattering, it's early but we need at least 2 yeagers. Any volunteers?"

"This should be easy" My brother shrugged and put his hand up,

"Thank you, get in your yeager and get preped you two, we need you out asap."

"I'll take Chip back, meet me at Cobalt" I waved him away and took Chip on yet another run. When I reached the door I opened it and pushed him in, "Be good. Got it" I pointed my finger at him then shut the door. Running through endless halls to get to where I got suited up was not fun, by the way.

I heaved out breaths as I entered Cobalt, my brother chuckling and punching my arm, "Ready for me to look in that head of yours"

"Only if your ready for me to look in your dirty thoughts" I grinned, listening to the dude we dibed the annoying radio guy.

-Time skipith-

We scanned the water carefully as we continued to wade our way though. I felt something slithering around our legs and glanced at my brother,

"Why don't we go snake huntin'" I joked before activating the knife on my arm, stabbing the snake like kaiju, and an ear piercing scream rang out before the kaiju grabbed onto Cobalts' left ankle, on my brother's side.

The snake let go then quickly slithered up our legs and around us, squishing Cobalt as it continued up. I let out a breath as is wrapped around us, coming up on the left side of Cobalts' head.

I went to stab the kaiju but It squished more and then bit into the left side of Cobalts' head, ripping it open. My brother let out a yell of agony as we were ripped from our drift and I screamed painfully, the literal shock of everything on my left side sizzle like I was cooking.

I activated the pulse cannon, barely hearing myself say it over the loud ringing in my ears, and held it somewhat is the kaijus' direction before I fired... Multiple times.

I shot up out of my dream in a cold sweat, my eyes glossed over and Chip whining next to me. It was a few years back and now I was in Hong Kong with the last few Yeagers left. I haven't found a match ever since and Cobalt sits there to collect dust.

A knock at the door snaps me back to the real world. I get up and walk over, with Chip trailing close behind. As soon as I open the door max bursts into and him and Chip are already playing.

I smiled and opened the door fully, "Hi chuck"

"G'mornin', you look like shit." He smiled and greeted me before he noticed how tightly I was holding my brother's dog tags, "That dream again?" I nodded slowly closing the door behind him, smiling sadly. "Come 'ere" He mumbled opening his arms.

I shuffled over and hugged him, burring my face in his chest, trying not to cry on him. "'m sorry you have to deal with me" I mumbled into his shirt,

He started to rock me back and forth then slowly sat down on my bed, "Hey, don't worry. I've got ya"

"Thanks chuck" I smiled and squeezed my eyes closed, slowly letting myself calm down from the recurring dream I had.

"Don't worry, mate. I gotcha.. I gotcha" He mumbled still rocking us back and forth, rubbing my back slowly.

#storm7breaker posts #x reader #fanfic #Chuck hasen #pacific rim x reader #pacific rim #chuck hansen x reader #gn reader

[t-n-c]

A Comprehensive List of my Thoughts on Elemental (STILL WITH SPOILERS!)

So here's the rundown I promised of my feelings toward Elemental

SPOILERS BELOW PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

The Good

The music--I found it memorable and unique; the main theme had soft vocalizations that felt almost ethereal, like it was an ancient hymn. I also found the song that played during the montage of Ember and Wade's dates catchy and fun. It was pretty great soundtrack imho.

The design of the world--I really loved how they creators took into account how all these different elements would move and interact in the city. It made the setting feel, for lack of a better term, more "real" to me. It also set up some of Ember's conflict as a Fire element living in a city that wasn't made with her people in mind.

The designs of (most of*) the characters--for the most part, the characters looked unique and, even better, they looked like average people (for lack of a better term) to me; call me a sap or whatever, but I've always preferred characters that have all the "flaws" of average folks than the ones that look like some iteration of "perfect," they just feel more relatable to me I guess. I also found it fun to see how design features such as "hair" were incorporated in the characters and how those same features varied between the elements. If there's one thing I can consistantly praise Pixar for it's for not being afraid to play around with design.

The animation---I loved how the characters moved and interacted in the world. The felt like living things and I appreciated that.

Wade and Ember are adults implied to be in their mid-to-late 20s--This is probably just a me thing, but I find it nice when I see shows where the protagonists aren't adolescents or barely-18 young adults going through some sort of coming-of-age scenario; there's nothing wrong with those kinds of stories of course, I just find them a bit boring and over-done myself. That and whenever I see films like that it always feels like they're insinuating that people over XYZ age can't be protagonists, so I tend to avoid them these days. On a related note, here are some other reasons why I like that Ember and Wade are adults: a) They both still live with their parents but neither of them is shamed or mocked for it--I've seen waaaay too many "comedies" that pick fun at the "25-year-old-living-in-their-mom's-basement" so I found it nice to not have to sit through that kind of "joke" again, b) Neither of them have got their lives "figured out" yet--Wade's gone through multiple jobs, and Ember's just begun to understand what she actually wants for her life--as someone who's gone through multiple jobs, earned 2 bachelor's degrees and is in the process of getting a master’s, and is still trying to make sense of their life, I found their struggles extremely relatable; it's nice to see adult protagonists be allowed to struggle with figuring out who they are and what they want to be, c) They're allowed to have fun and goof off--in a lot of films I've seen, the adult characters are always depicted as being so serious and "boring" it's nice to see adult characters actually have fun and enjoy life.

Ember' relationship with her parents, specifically her father--I found the interactions they had very sweet and moving; it made Ember's conflict between choosing to take over her father's shop or pursue her romance with Wade all the more relatable, imo.

How Ember and Wade's romance developed--it wasn't a love-at-first-sight kind of thing; they actually had to spend time interacting and getting to know each other before they fell in love--and most importantly, they showed us on the actual screen how/when they started to fall for each other. They went on dates, opened up to each other, fought with each other, etc--all the things that normal relationships have; while sure, there's still an aspect of "forbidden romance" to their relationship, it's more subtle and in the background than the trailers implied it would be. It also doesn't end with marriage and kids--they leave together for Ember’s internship and it’s implied that they’ve moved in together but that’s all; idk I thought it was nice that they could just be a couple.

The Bad

1. The blink-and-miss representation LGBTQ+ representation--I've gotten reeeeeeaaaally tired of how LGBTQ+ characters are treated in films; to clarify, there's a scene where Wade introduces Ember to his family and he introduces her to his youngest sibling, Lake (who is described as being nonbinary in supplemental materials) and her/them girlfriend, Ghibli. Lake's identity as nonbinary is a bit ambiguous in the film (Wade does refer to them as his youngest sibling, but that's all we get--without the tie-in material it's to mistake them for being WLW). Further, between them Lake and Ghibli have at most 2-3 lines in the entire movie--like I appreciate that us LGBTQ+ are being recognized and put in films, but I'm tired of all our rep always being the side characters that hold no weight in the story; I think they can start making shows with LGBTQ+ leads now, thank you.

2. Wade's fake death--I'm not a fan of having characters (and the audience) go through huge, life-changing events only to have the events "fixed" and everything be all hunky-dory again--imo, it's a cheap trick to manipulate the audiences' emotions at best, and at worst, it's a disrespectful act that not-to subtly implies that the audience "can't handle" seeing the characters go through heavy stuff. I'm a firm believer that if you're going to have your characters go through something as serious as having one die on screen you need to commit to it--you need to take it seriously, pulling a 180 and undoing all that development is cliche to the point of annoyance. Now, I'm not saying I wanted Wade to die, I'm not even saying that I think he should have stayed dead--what I'm saying is that I don't think there should have ever been a "death" scene in the film at all--there are plenty of other ways they could have had Ember realize her feelings for Wade/be honest with her father.

Mixed Feelings Section

1. Ember and Wade's designs*--it's not that they're terrible or anything, but they are a bit generic imo. In comparison to their family members and the background characters, they both have that "typical protagonist" look that I find a bit cliche

2. Wade's family being 'good' rich people who don't mind that Wade's in love with Ember vs Ember's father who spends most of the film being aggressively anti-water--I'm kind on the fence with this tbh; on the one hand, if both sides had been against Ember and Wade's relationship, I feel it would have put too much emphasis on the romance and taken away Ember's story as the child of immigrants, and it's not like Wade's family weren't bigoted at all--they threw plenty of micro-aggressions at Ember when she first met them; that being said I do have to side-eye how they made the ones more accepting of fire people Wade's rich, probably-descendents-of-the-founders-of-Element-City family and made the one most aggressively against water people Ember's immigrant-built-his-family-a-home-and-business-from-scratch father. Idk, it feels iffy to me.

3. Most of the Wade and Ember's interactions takes place within a week--As much as I felt that their romance was pretty well-paced, I can't deny that they still fell for each other very quickly--I get that the main plot point had set it up that they only had a week to fix the broken water-spill doors, but I don't know why it had to be a week; why couldn't it have been a couple of weeks or a month? It would have made a lot more sense both for the romance and the main plot, but I digress, I still found their relationship adorable.

4. The experiences of immigrants is homogenized--The culture of the fire people draws on a lot of different types of immigrants, the Irish, different Asiatic groups, maybe some Middle Eastern groups, etc--and while I appreciate that the story was about immigrants and experiences they share in common I also felt a bit iffy about taking all these different cultures and merging them together. I feel it would have been better they made the fire people's culture more of a unique entity than a combination of cultures.

Like I said before, I highly recommend this movie; it's cute and tugs at your heart-strings.

#Elemental #Pixar Elemental #Wade Ripple #Ember Lumen #TNC analyzes animated movies #Elemental 2023 spoilers #Elemental spoilers #I don't know if there'll be a sequel or anything #but I think there's enough there that a potential sequel could work #if nothing else I can see these characters having a successful cartoon series or some shorts #I realize these aren't the first adult characters that Pixar has had as protagonists #Mr. Incredible #Mrs. Incredible/elastigirl #Mr. Fredrickson #Joe Gardner #etc #but it's still rare enough that I appreciate it when I see it

[cosmic-kaden]

Oops :) Gets real under the cut. It's nothing bad though! <3 turns into a gush post near the end~ It's a little long so I get it if no one reads it but I like to voice my thoughts that's all.

Top of the list he goes. He deserves to be there. Not only are his scenes at the end of IX helping me to overcome my fear of thunder and lightning. There's something else.

A few years ago I lost a certain spark. Every ounce of creativity and passion I had shattered. I was always chasing the next "big f/o" that would spark that passion again, that creativity. I never found it and I got depressed for a little bit because I thought I would never find a love as grand as I had before. So my storytelling became nonexistent, I stopped drawing, and the endless thoughts I used to have were replaced with an endless emptiness so I went quiet. I gave up trying to chase something that I thought would never happen again. I was slowly losing myself

I spent a last few years yes, self-shipping and yes don't get me wrong I love all of my f/o but there was something missing, I didn't feel the need to scream every two second about how much I love them, there was just something "off" with myself. I couldn't voice it or the anons would come with their pitchforks "You don't really love your f/o" plus it was hard to put into words. How can you love your f/o but still feel that something is missing?

cut to my sick ass lazing on the couch in the present time. I get an idea, "Hey I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in like...forever- maybe I'll re-watch them all.. then there are the newer ones I haven't seen yet." So I start watching the movies. I had a few interruptions when I was watching VII and VIII but I kept on watching. I thought Kylo Ren's lightsaber was so badass but at the time thought nothing much of Ben himself.

As the days went on I decided to rewatch VII VIII and IX because of said past interruptions be it people or my sick ass having to take meds and stuff. As I do with most things I watch the second time I really consume it. I noticed something. Something different. The very first time Kylo took his helmet off I felt it the feeling that started in my chest and radiated to my stomach.. butterflies? He spoke and there was no distortion from his mask as he wasn't wearing it and I felt my heart skip a bit. what the hell?

the more I watched the more I learned, the more I learned the more I started to fall in love. Do I condone some of the things he's done? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. After the movies I sort of just sat there on my couch, looking at my own reflection of the tv. "wow, I like Ben huh?" I said to myself then I shrugged. "Ah, fleeting crush and maybe an f/o" Throughout the rest of the day however I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything from his appearance to how he talked and how he carried himself.

So I decided to run with it. Would it be one of those f/o where I say I'm crushing and nothing happens? Or maybe it will be like my other recent f/o Alex? Talk about him for a little bit but then the fixation dies almost as quickly as it started?

Neither of that happened. I got flooded with endless thoughts, and ideas. Ideas for moodboards, playlists, art.

I got attached to Ben so much, it's hard to explain it but I feel connected to him in a way that I never thought was possible for me ever again. He makes me genuinely smile and I don't mean just smile with my mouth but makes me smile with my eyes. He makes me blush and laugh and feel like I'm on top of the world in such a euphoric state. I actually feel like we're together- like actually. I know it sounds insane but I have every bit of real emotion for Ben. I feel well- in love.

I said I love all my other f/o too and its true and this might sound terrible and believe me I've thought myself as a terrible person but the love I hold for Ben is higher and so much more different than the love I have for the others..

I thought he'd be like a shooting star. A moment of fun but he'd fade away just as fast as he came into my life.

I'm thankful that wasn't the case. He managed to do what I thought wasn't ever gonna happen to me again. He reignited my spark and love and appreciation. I can't say the last time I smiled this much irl and how much I've had my heartbeat fast and the tint rise to my cheeks.

I guess in short...

Ben makes me feel like I'm alive again.

<- I'm trying so hard not to cry as I talk about this but I mean it's true, I've had so much bullshit happen in my life. I've survived so many hardships and awful people. I forgot what feeling alive was, I thought my new normal was to not expect happiness because it will be met with tragedy and I'll be back at square one. Alone and fighting demons in my mind.

Ben has reignited my heart and I am forever grateful for him, I love him so much already and I hold him so incredibly dear. He makes me feel strong, and loved, and passionate- I love him with my entire soul. So deeply that the love extends past the words themselves. It's so much deeper.

If you read this far thank you <3 It means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me coherently ramble for once.

#You pull me in; I don't resist #gushing.png #I sorta opened my heart in this and it's fucking TERRFYING so please don't make fun of me #long post;

[retphienix]

I /think/ I'll start another playthrough for the blog- I need to shake myself out of my constant slumps or I'll go mad after all :P

So what about Dragon Quest Monsters? One of my favorite series.... if you consider being obsessed with 2.5 gameboy games and wanting to try all the others "favorite" material :P

So Joker was "fine". It wasn't my favorite by any means- most of the changes from 1-2 were "meh" to me, but I did enjoy it enough to complete it with a pretty decent amount of fun being had.

Joker 2's intro got me hyped! It really felt like something I'll love!

So how about instead of playing Joker 2 as I logically would- I go backwards a little and play Caravan Hearts instead lmao

I know very little about Caravan Hearts, as I've hinted at before on the blog (if you count mentioning it in passing like 4 years ago).

I "Think" it's one of those games I booted up in the early 2000s when emulation started getting more popular, in japanese of course being a japan exclusive and all, but I could be mixing it up with me booting up FF legends and the like.

The most I know is that a fellow DWM enjoyer said it was crap many years ago when I was playing some DWM stuff on the blog, and I took that to mean it's "probably" experimental and easy to dislike lol

Starting it up I'll say I'll be playing the fan translation, obviously, from kaioshin on Romhacking dot net. Any "funny business" in dialogue or re-interpretations of events is because it's a fan translation and I will be experiencing it as it is here, not as the original text defines the game because they never bothered to tell us this tale in english and I'm dumb and can't read the OG lol

Basic intro, we're a kid (10 years old) who craves adventure. Instead of being native to a monster world (2) or coming here because our sibling was kidnapped to be a monster master (1) we come to the monster world to escape punishment from our father- the king- after trying to escape the castle to explore the (reportedly) very tiny world we live in.

Basically we're a bored prince who craves adventure, and we stumbled into an opportunity to do that while hiding in our cabinet... a fun nod to DWM1 :3

Yada yada, in the monster world now, oh look a caravan lacking a leader:

What a coincidence, we just magically appeared here and listening to kids in RPG settings is normal as hell.

So right out the gate things DO appear rather different from the prior DWM games I love.

The caravan is key to combat for one, and our team appears to be entirely shaken up from how the prior games played it.

Instead of befriending and capturing 3 monsters to make a team and splitting up responsibilities among those 3 monsters for cohesive RPG party stuff- it /appears/ that we will always have ONE monster who takes the main stage for combat (kind of like DQ1?) and the caravan plays the role of... equipment? Passives? I guess you'd call them?

You have various adventurers in the party who don't directly participate but instead act as assistant abilities during combat- I am too early in to know how deep or how much control I have just yet, but I can pick what order they appear and from how the first encounters went it APPEARS as if the order determines when they get a turn to assist (if applicable), MAYBE.

Regardless it means I have a warrior who can swing an extra time for some more damage, a cleric who can heal if their "turn" comes up and we need it, and a map expert who can buff(?) our speed during his turn and also gives us the passive ability to use the map on the overworld.

This, could be neat.

It could also feel like a less hands on version of a combat system that was already kinda hands off since I'm only leveling up 1 party member and the other party members are not /real/ and instead are just passives that happen based on order (I think).

Hm. Looking forward to finding out!

I like that little wind effect :3

#Dragon Quest #Dragon Quest Monsters #Dragon Quest Monsters: Caravan Heart #DQM #DQ #RetPlays

[mrmallard]

Here's some Snapcube streams I like:

Her Ratchet and Clank Ms. Marathon series, where she played through all the major Ratchet and Clank titles through to Rift Apart, is really strong and builds on the vibes that the games have. I've said it before, but "selling Clank for 640,000 bolts" is one of my favourite Snapcube bits, and that's after a whole game of great bits - and there's like six more game playthroughs with great bits of their own right after that.

One of my favourite playthroughs of the year has been Dragon Quest 8, which ended due to a busted PS3. I really dig on that earnest RPG adventure experience that this playthrough has - it's a great juxtaposition between like some super unique and charming RPG problem-solving and world-building from the game itself, and Penny's characterisation of the silent MC as lame, rude and aloof. The run is incomplete, but the streams that are there are really good and it might get you to play the game for yourself.

Her Sonic Unleashed playthrough with Mar just finished. It took me a few minutes to get into Mar's performance as Chip, like I didn't think I'd like the exaggeratedly cloying kid sidekick characterisation, but it was such a short turnaround from "oh man idk about this" to like gut-busting laughter. Mar takes Chip up to 11 and it absolutely rules, and whether Penny and Mar are bouncing off of each other or doing their own solo bits between Sonic and Chip, the ride literally never ends and it's such a good time. Penny's appreciation of the Jason Griffith era of Sonic really shines through; whether you're a VODhead or mostly acquainted through the Real-Time Fandubs, this is essential viewing.

Both of the Fairly Odd Parents games she covered are great watches. They're cel-shaded PS2 platformers that capture the vibe of the show, even with the PS2-era licensed game crust. One's better than the other, but I even liked the generic cookie-cutter NPC characters in Breakin' Da Rules that don't feel like they fit in with the property's art style, specifically because they were generic cookie-cutter NPC characters that don't fit in with the property's art style. I grew up with the PS2, so even the crustiest PS2 licensed game jank is like chicken soup for the brain.

I can't name every stream in her catalogue because not every game appeals to me, or because I want to get to those streams after I play the games for myself. Penny has done streams for the Norse Mythology God of War games, she's done a Ms. Marathon for the Halo games and the InFamous games, she played through both of the Last of Us games, a bunch of the Resident Evil games, Jak and Daxter, Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, Metroid Prime, Kingdom Hearts - and the list goes on. I didn't even get to Yakuza 7 (OR MIDNIGHT SNAP I LOVE MIDNIGHT SNAP), and I'm not going back to find a link but it's there.

Measuring by the hour, there's weeks worth of Snapcube video content, and there are video edits on her main channel that are approx. 30 minutes long if the full streams are too daunting for you. Future Snapcube streams and videos are gonna be great fun, but rather than hanging on for the next stream, I wanted to highlight some older streams that I really enjoyed as well as to highlight a large swath of her other stuff for people to potentially go back and enjoy at their own discretion. There's twenty TotK streams. There's fourteen Dragon Quest 8 streams. There's twenty-seven Ratchet and Clank Ms. Marathon streams over 7+ games. The content is there.

#snapcube

[khalaris]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Ooh lots of fun questions, thank you @justhugsplz for tagging me <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

61,430 which is absolutely mind-boggling to me. And of those about 45k are Tatort Wien. Which I started writing exactly one year ago. For comparison, I've been writing fanfic for over 20 years and until I fell into Tatort fandom in 2021 I'd posted less than 3k in total.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Exclusively Tatort Wien at the moment. If I ever manage to peek my head out of that particular rabbit hole, I might get back to some Münster WIPs. Not in the near future, though :D

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Aufgeben -> Der Anruf -> Die Welt in unseren Händen -> Bordsteingespräche -> Loslassen

Haha, Tatort Münster with a little sprinkle of Wien. I don't usually sort by kudos, so it's a bit surprising to see Die Welt in unseren Händen rank so high. Well, high in a range between 75 and 34. That's just how it is in small fandoms :D

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, always. Sometimes it takes a while to get to it. But I always want to take the time and energy to write a proper response, because a) if someone else took the time and energy to tell me how they feel about my story, the least I can do is tell them how much I appreciate them commenting. and b) A comment always feels like the start of a conversation to me. I remember the long comment/discussion threads under fanfic on Livejournal and I miss the community of that. Nowadays it often feels like there's this growing gulf between author and reader, probably because of the current content creator/consumer culture that does little to invite equality or discussion.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Silence, a Torchwood CoE fic about John Frobisher's last moments.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Bordsteingespräche. I'm really proud of how everything came together in the end in that one :)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope, thankfully never.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

If you'd asked me that a month ago, I would have said no. But recently I kind of got over my terminal embarrassment at even trying to write anything smutty. I haven't posted anything yet, but there's several fics/chapters in the works. Tbh I don't find vanilla sex interesting and most of the usual kinks in fanfic are either squicks or a snooze-fest to me. The stuff that I am writing is either weirdly specific kink or just downright unsexy (which my characters are having a frankly outrageous amount of fun with atm, bless them).

I'm a bit hesitant to put any real smut in a fic that isn't actually primarily about the smut. I fear enough people might be put off by that, so hardly anyone would end up reading it then. Bit of a stupid fear to have, perhaps, but still...

(Yes, I know, I should just get over it and simply write and post whatever the hell I want 😅)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've had a lot of crossover ideas over the years, but the only thing I've ever written was an MCU/Agents of Shield thingie I hacked out during NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago. Let's be honest, that combination is the least crazy crossover of all time and hardly counts as a crossover at all. Like 99% of the stuff I've ever written during NaNo, it's completely horrible, unfinished and should never see the light of day again.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've translated Bordsteingespräche myself, but was very unhappy with the result, which is why it's unavailable at the moment. It's going to get reworked at some point.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Many many years ago, when the world was still young and some of you not yet born 😂, the lovely @hope-calaris and I cooked up a tentative plot for a rather ambitious Star Trek: Voyager fanfic. We didn't end up writing that one, but later co-wrote a CSI: Miami one with someone else iirc and I believe there might have been a 4400 (?) fic, also. Due to depression, my memory of that time is hazy at best, though, so it's possible that I'm missing or misremembering things there.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Didn't expect this question to be so difficult to answer, but is kinda is... 🙈 I guess any combination of my 3 Tatort Wien blorbos. Apart from that, Boerne/Thiel and Stephen Strange/Tony Stark are ships I can always come back to.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The aforementioned MCU/AoS time-travel epic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, especially banter-y dialogue. And editing sentences/paragraphs for maximum impact (when I take the time to do it)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action. What characters are doing, how they're moving, getting them from A to B and so on. Ugh.

External conflict. I despise conflict in real life and find it extremely difficult to write. You won't find an antagonist in any of my current stories or wips. And when I do write conflict between characters, that's always rooted in their internal conflicts and mostly the result of them not communicating properly.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

It's very hard to do right. Translations in footnotes are annoying and leave me confused while reading. Translations in brackets behind the dialogue also annoying and missing the point of having different-language dialogue in the first place. It can be good when the author puts enough context there that you can get the gist of what is being said without needing an actual translation.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

X-Files. There's probably some 23-year old notebooks in the back of a drawer somewhere at my mom's house that have fanfic snippets mixed with homework assignments.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oof, that's another difficult one. I have several that are favourites for different reasons.

Bordsteingespräche for the sheer joy and ease with which it was written.

Kaputt for how much of my heart and soul I'm putting into it.

Die Welt in unseren Händen, because after twenty years of trying and failing I am now finally writing an epic long-form multi-chapter fanfic and I have so many plans and ideas for it. I cannot put into words just how wild that is. And I simply adore this version of my favourite characters.

No-pressure tagging @carlomenzinger, @kathastrophen and @all-my-worlds-a-stage if you want to :)

#I spent an extremely unreasonable amount of time answering this 🙈 #tag game #on fanfiction #writing

[thistransient]

Thoughts on my visa run to Tokyo: not to be a complainer (I'm gonna complain), but taking into consideration that it was a last-minute decision with minimal planning, I was a bit underwhelmed. I have fond memories of walking around Naha, Okinawa some years ago with great delight at simply being there, but perhaps a certain percentage of that was "first time in Japan" thrill (or I was so fed up with my circumstances at home that the break was particularly welcome). It could also be that enduring life with recently sprained ribs took my focus off the sights somewhat (there was a hefty price to be paid for forgetting to hold in sneezes). As such I didn't press myself to go to too many places: I stayed at a hostel in a traditional house in Asakusa, and spent the most time walking around Yanaka and Koenji with a brief foray into Shinjuku (albeit late enough that my feet hurt and it was very crowded on the streets, so this did not last long). There were so many foreign tourists in Asakusa that I felt rather as if I were in that Japan-themed part of Disney World, and I found myself gravitating inevitably to the riverside (pictured above).

If anything I felt self-conscious that said tourist contingent appeared to be having the time of their lives, whereas I had come here somewhat on a whim and kept being told "wrong ticket!" by the metro staff almost every time I made at attempt at transferring

(In addition to not buying a SIM card I also didn't bother with a metro card because I figured individual tickets couldn't be that hard, could they? Ahahaha.)

But for all these woes, I do love looking at Japanese buildings (a treat for my niche interest in external fire escape stairs), the bakery offerings were excellent, and I decided eventually to forgive myself for my restaurant anxiety and just eat onigiri in the cemetery such that I was at least ingesting something. I'd go back to Japan (to other cities), but I'd like to do it with company, and more planning.

Coming back was in fact the real adventure, with the flight diversion to Macao, the jaunt in the wee hours of the morning with my hotel roommate, and eventual return to Taipei. The immigration process has really been streamlined, there's an online arrival card now, and the line moved so fast I just managed to fill it out before it was my turn. The agent barely glanced at me before stamping me in (I had actually been practicing my speech justifying flying in and out of the country every 90 days, and even printed out a bank statement, but the online form required one to list an exit flight, which evidently preempted any interrogation).

In the moment I was extremely relieved! But now I find myself bereft of my regular activities either on account of my ribs (watching shibari is not half as fun as being on the receiving end, and I really miss biking) or because I've become disillusioned with a couple of my former sources of regular socialisation. I feel increasingly like I don't actually have much in common with the people at the trans group beyond us all being trans, and my presence (or lack thereof, last time I had a bit of a panic episode and ran away without saying anything) at their events is pretty meaningless as far as 'volunteering' goes. I also abruptly lost interest in a friend I'd spent a lot of time with in the past year, which bothered me quite a bit (how could I feel so heartless towards someone who had bought me a thoughtful birthday gift) until I did enough writing and figured it out, but that still hasn't rekindled any desire to hang out again, except perhaps out of guilt (not the best motivation). In the face of these things (amongst others), and the fact that I've done my 3rd visa run this year with no apparent plan to stop living in 3 month increments, I think it's time...time to go back to therapy.

#i think if i were really determined i could do it exclusively in chinese cause it seems like local counsellors have lower rates #but i'd also prefer someone bilingual who has experience living overseas #because therein lie some of my problems #in theory i want permanent residency but in practice...

[dawnleafs]

Shark Infested Waters

I consider myself a fairly quiet person who has an aversion to conflict. But at a point in my life, being on edge and getting into conflict was all I'd ever known. I once had a friend. A dearly beloved friend. A friend whom I was willing to give the world for. A friend I was glad to have by my side, because I believed I had no one else. Because I thought I had no other choice. It was either him, or no one. And I didn't want to be friends with no one. I didn't want to be alone. No matter how much I deluded myself into thinking I could be fine alone. And yet. It was with this so-called friend I had never truly been more alone my entire life.

While the years have long passed by and I am busy juggling much more important, adulthood manners, I keep finding my mental state fixated on this point of time in my life. This time in my life in which I was a young high schooler who just wanted friends, but struggled to find solace among my peers. So naturally, like the huge ass loser I was, I turned to the internet. And it was in my countless days of lurking about the internet and slipping into spaces I probably had no real reason ever being on, with people coming and going in my life, I met him. FutureDiarist, SharkDiaries, SharkYGO, whatever the ever-loving FUCK this dude goes by nowadays. Skylar is his name. And having a friend like him? Who needs enemies?

I had written about him once before on a past blog. Through some… Shenanigans, shall we say, that post had been lost to time. Not even trying to access the post through the waybackmachine yields feasible results. But like the scars in my memory, I hadn't forgotten to keep a backup. Do I have horrible coping mechanisms for my anxiety and trauma? Probably. But I don't want to be quiet about this. Not anymore. For how much Skylar and his current boyfriend may want to "leave things behind", it's not so easy for me nor any of the others who have been hurt. For as long as this keeps haunting me, I'll haunt back.

Every now and again I find myself relapsing, after going so long just living like a half-normal functioning adult, my mental health takes a nose dive. Everything's going nice and dandy, but then suddenly, it hits me. And whenever thinking about Skylar is at the forefront of my stress, I can't help but wonder how lucky and how stupid I must be. When I am reminded of him, I just spiral into a smoldering rage. It just keeps coming back, no matter how many times I block his accounts, mute things even related to his interests that trigger those memories, the anger just keeps coming back. The pain of having someone I thought was my one and only friend in a hostile cruel world when he was perhaps the worst person I could have possibly had as a friend.

I was just a lonely high-schooler willing to spend time with anyone who would be with me. He took advantage of my naivety and loneliness. I was so blind to his methods of manipulation, as an impressionable, desperate kid who longed for somebody to connect with. And connect we did. Roleplaying, video games, just chatting. It was probably early 2011, maybe earlier. While a bit standoffish and childish at times, Skylar was still someone I considered my closest friend. We roleplayed on chatango, roleplayed on tumblr, chatted over Skype. However, things were a bit… Off. He was clingy, sure. A little too overbearing at times. But what took things too far was how passive aggressive he was. How he, whether he realized it or not, demanded all my attention.

With regards to roleplay, he would occasionally pivot to questions of a sexually charged nature. Being the dumb young teen I was, there were times I fed right into it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, just the thrill of sharing another common interest with my supposed friend. But there were times where he was very guilt-trippy about it. Like I owed him something. Like it wasn't something we just did every now and then for the fun of it, but something he deserved, something I had to provide at his beck and call. And when I didn't give him his way? Or if there were times I was too busy to even respond within a timely manner? He would turn on a dime and berate me in ways most vile. Acting like I was ghosting him intentionally and threatening to harm himself just to get my attention… Or egging me on to enable my suic-dal ideation. He knew I struggled with thoughts of self h-rm and suic-de and ENCOURAGED me to go through with it. I had come so close to pulling through with it, too. He really messed me up. He shattered my trust with just about anyone following that time. I still shudder thinking that I applied to the same college he was attending at the time, and wonder if I would even still be alive if I had gone through with it.

As if it wasn't bad enough, this man, Skylar liked creating sock puppet accounts. By the dozen. Hundreds, maybe. Who knows? He'd put on a persona and pretend it was someone else, but hindsight is 20/20. It's so painfully obvious that he pretends to be other people, it's so obvious that he pretends to stage anonymous hate mail being sent his way, it's so painfully clear that he tries every which way to paint himself out to be the victim, because he can't fathom the idea of having genuine friendships built off of trust rather than lies and deceit. I recall one time, when my tumblr RP phase was hitting hard, he accidentally sent me a message logged into the wrong account.

Skylar flipped out, when this account I wasn't even sure was him, turned out to be him on an alt. He repeatedly insisted I delete the post and speak of it to nobody. Because yeah. I'm sure he'd want to sweep that one under the rug, when that same account he'd use to harass other users in that community circle of roleplay could be tied back to him. He'd also probably like for me to forget about the time he needled and prodded me for some fanfiction between his self insert character and some League of Legends character. Or how often he roleplays. With himself. On different accounts. And I'm sure he'd like for me to forget when he even claimed one of his sock puppet accounts died of cancer. Or how his sock puppet accounts on skype were conveniently not logged in at the same time until I showed him a video tutorial to have multiple Skype clients open at once.

I'd love to log back into my skype account and skim through the chat logs for some real bangers of shitty behavior he's pulled through, or even the chatango logs, but I can only imagine they're lost to time and at some point it's not even worth the agony anymore. I don't even have my laptop from back then on hand anymore.

And now as I look into myself and the person I've grown up to be since those days in my high school years I just can't help but shake the feeling that I am no better than he is, that I'm more like him than I realize, that I'm not a good person either. And I strive every day to be the best me I can be and shake off my horrific attitude. I know I'm no saint, I know I've had my moments of being a downright prick, but I keep having these nagging thoughts that I'm just like him that I deserved him with every selfish bone of my body, that being the puppet under his control was the universe's way of punishing me for being just as vile deep down to my core. And when I think I've taken back control of my life and he has no hold over my feelings anymore it just keeps burning and burning until I turn green in the face from nausea. The pain just isn't going away.

He wants to move on so bad yet he hasn't truly held himself accountable nor shown any real sign of changing.

So Skylar, keep complaining about your past catching up to you. Keep complaining about your bans or account deletions on wherever you crawled into. I'm so sorry you couldn't afford an ounce of human decency to your dear friend. And I'm so sorry I got into drawing art AFTER we were friends. I'm sure you would have loved taking advantage of that just as much as you enjoyed taking advantage of other artists. How you'd love to beg for free art but then in the same breath decry those who get close to artists for free art. I'm quite sorry indeed. He can speak in fruitful platitudes about how he wants to leave the past behind but he can't ever truly change because his behavior shows me he feels no remorse for what he has done, simply that he has no more direct control of those he's victimized. But in a way, he still has a less direct control with how I can't let go of the pain that haunts me. How because of him, I'm less trustful of everyone I call a friend. Because of him, I feel like I have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. Because of him, I feel guilty of wanting to spend time with those I care with. Because of him, I am constantly reminded that I am not as smart as I believed I was.

Trying to add me on discord after I made my first "callout post" and then trying to befriend me when I told him to his face I despised him, that sure was amusing at the time. I'm pretty sure he deleted that account by now. But he sure is a piece of work for thinking I would ever forget what he's done. If I were to ever forgive him, it wouldn't be for his sake, but my own. I'm still hurting from all this, after all. I still struggle at night with believing that I'm not good enough, that I deserve everything wrong going on. But no. He's truly, beyond toxic. An abuser through and through.

All the people I've seen, saying that they too went through some shit because of him, only makes me regret not saying anything in the first place. Especially while everything was fresh in my mind, and not just tear-stained memories of a friendship that could have been. I'm in a much better place now than ever, even if I do struggle sometimes. Skylar once said that he was so tired of my self-pity that he would beat the shit out of me until I smiled. Well, now I can smile without that childish threat looming over my head.

I do not condone encouraging anyone to inflict self h-rm upon themselves. It's beyond despicable. Harassing Skylar is no better than the bullshit he's inflicted upon myself and many others. It would take some kind of miracle for this grown manchild to truly realize how rotten he had been and make a change for the better. Because he never has, and likely never will.

It's up to you to determine if you think I'm a trustworthy narrator. If you're reading this far, you either scrolled all the way to the end to get some tl;dr on this bullshit, or you might be humoring the idea that I have something worthwhile to say. I'm really just venting and rambling in circles about my thoughts in the passing years since burning bridges.

#futurediarist #sharkdiaries #with love and spite #your old dear friend Lillian #please do better :)

[urchintoast]

I was tagged by @colettebronte and @fayes-fics! Thanks for thinking of me darlings!! 🫶🫶🫶

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

17

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

40,668

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently: Bridgerton and Fellow Travelers. But I’ve also written for The Umbrella Academy, Star Trek, Harry Potter, MCU, and Kingsman (though I don’t have any fics on ao3 for the last 2)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ooh by Kudos?

It’s Not Saturday with 565

I See You with 452 (ooh this one’s moved up! TUA had been my top 3 for the longest time!)

Blush with 416

The Last Man with 415 (very close!)

His Everything with 410

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! If someone made the effort to leave a comment for me, the least I can do is thank them for taking the time to read my silly writings 🥹 I have a lot of kudos/likes but the comments are rarer and mean the world to me 🥹

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Milk? It’s in Hawk’s pov and I just find it very hard to not be angsty in his voice. Idk.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I love happy endings (don’t we all? 😜) so I tend to write happy endings for most of my fics. The absolute cheesiest is Pebble, although the relief in Fear is a great pay off in my opinion.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did. I had some really mean comments a few years ago and that’s why I took such a long break from fic writing. A few people told me that my fics made no sense and told me to stop trying. It’s taken me a while to build my confidence back up after that, and I’m still really struggling with writing smut again after that.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I used to write some mlm and omegaverse fics but as previously mentioned, got some hate on them and stopped. Currently no, at least not that I’m comfortable sharing yet.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I’ve never written crossovers, though some AUs are fun!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of 🤔 hopefully it stays that way! Please don’t steal! 🥺

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not that’s been published, but with friends in discords over the years we’ve written some fics for ourselves. Always befriend authors, you get the best riffing!

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I can’t pick just one!! Ummmm. Nope, I can’t even pick just one for each fandom lol. I like different ships for different reasons, I can’t choose just one!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I’m determined to finish it! But right now Surprising seems like it’s not gonna be finished any time soon, just cause it’s been a published WIP since May, and then life happened and I just lost inspiration for it. Hopefully my muse will return soon once work and things settle down 🤞

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh this is hard. I’m so critical of myself. Umm I’ve gotten some nice comments about funny dialogue so I guess that?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Besides finishing them? Length. Smut.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Please just have the translation available at some point (like a footnote) so I don’t have to open a new tab to look up what they’re saying because then I get distracted and forget that I was reading something lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter is the first one I published on ao3. No clue what the real first one is 🤷🏻‍♀️

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I don’t really have a favorite? I’m pretty proud of them all for different reasons. Ease My Mind cause it was omega/omega and I’d never seen anyone do that before. Surprising because it got me back to writing. I See You because it’s the longest fic I’ve ever finished. Milk because I was the first one on ao3 to write for that pairing!

Really I could go on and on about why I’m proud of each fic 🥹

Thanks for tagging me!! 💗

#adventures in fanfic writing