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swordheld · 5 months

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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

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sea-jello · 7 days

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@nyaskitten tumblr ate your fucking ask uhh ignore how this is months later BUT i finally watched dr s2 AND

I GET IT NOW. I UNDERSTAND.

#i was asking for art recs and you said cinder back in like. december. if you dont remember #v messy please give me a clear ref without the fur thing and with the shoulder pads please please #google refs are 5 by 5 pixels and either youtube thumbnails or minifigs #what’s going on with his design by the way. why does he have blades strapped to him #pretend his hair is smokey okay idk how to draw smoke #when i saw his design before s2 came out i clocked him as a cold tundra ish terrain design cause of the fur and the wolves #so i gave him like winter gloves even tho that’s unpractical for him but whatever #something about his hair being smokey the way your breath fogs in the cold you understand #the crosses and lines on his armor idk i searched up samurai armor cause i have no idea what they’re supposed to be #he’s a middle aged man to me so it’s kinda funny he’s beefing with a teenager (jordana)#i wanted to see a grudging solidarity under the cat guys rule sort of relationship but no the girls are fighting i guess #what happened with the old guy by the way how does that timeline work #cinder would have to be born after s4 and there’s NO CHANCE this guy is younger than kai #did the pacing of this season feel weird to anyone else or have i just not watched ninjago for too long #anyways #ninjago #lego ninjago #dragons rising #ninjago dr s2 #ninjago cinder #cinder ninjago #i hope thats his name i dont rember #ninjago dr spoilers #sort of #jellos scribbles

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padfootastic · 6 months

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please say more about jilypad + diverging parenting styles... perhaps even a possible scenario >:) i imagine harry has very cunning tactics for using this to his advantage

helloooooo <3 thank u for this ask bc i love talking about these three and harry. i went looking thru the archives to find this post; my first foray into this side, and really, i’ve never looked back after that.

so i’ve talked ab this a bit before but i fully think that james was a very overprotective ‘mother hen’ type parent. i tend to read his behaviour in lily’s bday letter to sirius as being scared of his child on a broomstick and i fully, fully think he’ll never be able to let go of that as harry grows up. he’ll be anxious and suspicious and paranoid, and his first instant will always be to wrap harry up in cotton wool and hide him away. (i low-key connect this to his childhood as well; going from being spoiled and sheltered to dropped in the middle of a war, black & white thinking, living in extremes etc etc makes it v hard for him to be Normal about his child. as he shouldn’t be, really, but yeah) that’s why he thrives during the initial years; he never minds the hard parts of being a new parent, loves it in fact, and it makes it better that he can keep harry close to him at all times w/o coming off as a helicopter parent (not that the notion bothers him ofc).

it’s good, then, that he has two partners to even the scales, no? i think lily was the most…balanced out of the three. she had a relatively normal childhood, grew up in a working class family/neighbourhood and had to deal w adversity from a young age so she’s developed a nice, thick skin. she also has a sibling with whom she has a v rocky relationship so she knows that kids are, ykno, a bit unhinged. and a little bit of hardship is not a problem. i hc her as needing time to get used to parenthood, unlike james who stepped into it natural as breathing, or even sirius who loved harry on much on first sight that it made up for everything else. ofc lily loved her son, but it didn’t come w the same blinding intensity of her partners and made her feel really shitty in the beginning. but, i think she’d shine during his teen years actually, because she’s not overbearing or intense and becomes the quiet, calm strength that a hormonal, spotty teen boy would probably need.

and sirius <3 our poor baby falls in love with harry, perhaps even more quickly than james, with such startling speed that it shakes his entire foundation. he doesn’t regret it but he’s constantly discombobulated. i also imagine that…it takes him longer to settle into the role of parent, esp bc he’s not biologically one ykno? not like it matters to anyone, ofc, but it takes him a long time to truly accept his authority and place, to believe that he has just as much right as j&l to be there, to parent harry. this has the consequence of him always being more indulgent than the other two; after all, he considered himself a godfather before a parent and a lot of that thinking stayed. he lets harry get away with stuff the others might not (and the little mf figures this out later); some of it also comes from sirius seeing so much shit, and facing so much shit himself, that he rationalises a lot of stuff as ‘well, this isn’t the worst it can be, so what’s the harm’ (because his life has been such a roller coaster that he’s forgotten that not everyone’s like that, if that makes sense?)

its obviously not this clear cut but i imagine harry looks at it like this: if he needs unconditional love, he goes to james; rationality and logic, lily; acceptance and calm, sirius. when someone has to be beat up for hurting harry, james steps in. if he needs help burying a body, it’s sirius. dealing with some asshole boss/teacher/classmate’s mother who’s making harry’s life hell? lily. i can keep going but,,,u get the idea, right? this makes sense, i hope lol

i actually think harry’s first birthday is a great example. sirius pushes the boundaries by gifting lil harry a broom; james loses his mind running after him; lily places an industrial sticking charm on harry’s butt, leans back with a glass of wine, and enjoys the show. even as he grows up, lily and james act as the disciplinarian, and sirius is the emotional outlet. all of them fill in each other’s cracks so well, and it’s only when harry grows up that he realises how effortlessly they worked off each other to parent him.

also oh man o man. harry being cunning is,,,,,see, i’ve not considered it this far but it makes perfect sense. i think canon harry actually had so much manipulative energy and it’s often overlooked for his goofier traits but! this is the same dude who used his dead parents to trick slughorn into revealing sensitive info! imagine if that could be channelled into his jilypad interactions 😈

it’s like, it takes him a bit, because his three parents r so smooth, but once he realises that all of them have certain weak spots, he does NOT hesitate to exploit them. (it has the unintended consequence of truly strengthening the jilypad relationship into an unbreakable one bc one thing their kid taught them is to have ironclad communication going at all times so nothing they’ve said, or not said, is used against them). so like, he knows if he wants to sneak out to a party, it has to be sirius and in a specific way—‘i’ll be totally safe, papa, plus i really wanna see what it’s like and idk when it’ll get a chance to again’. if he widens his eyes to pitiful levels, pouts a little, and blinks faster than usual, then james is putty in his arms as long as he’s separated from the other two. divide and conquer becomes the main tool in harry’s arsenal, actually. lily’s the toughest nut to crack, purely bc she doesn’t run on emotions or irreverence, but harry soon learns that if he comes up with a solid, logical case that proves his argument has unbiased merit then he has a good chance of getting her to say yes. (this is good, bc u can arrange words in the correct order, but u can’t always control emotions)

so overall yeah, you’d think one kid + 3 parents would be an easy bet, but harry keeps them on their toes all the fkn time.

#sirius black #james potter #lily evans #jilypad #harry potter #i knew before i even started this that it would be ridiculously long lmao #i just cannot bring myself to shut up #wrt lily and harry’s baby years #i feel v v strongly ab motherhood not coming naturally to her #and becoming a very sore point for her. bc she sees james and sirius and she keeps blaming herself for being an unfeeling robot #when she’s not. she just thinks more logically than them and doesn’t feel as strongly. that doesn’t make her a bad mother #and no matter what j & s say a small part of always thinks like that. until the teen years. and suddenly the dynamics r reversed #bruh i think i need help it’s not even funny how not hinged i am for this trio lmao #there also! padfoot!#a while ago i wrote a lil thing. but i fully believe that whenever harry was emotionally distraught he’d actually go to padfoot #bc he needed someone to just. sit. and be there. while he’s processed emotions #and lily would be too ruthlessly logical and james would be fretting and trying to fix it and sirius would panic. just a little.#but padfoot is a warm comforting weight agains this side and he just lets him be. it’s grounding.#so harry always. without fail. does that #it’s actually 3.5 parents lmao #i do wonder what their parenting fights would about if any. hmmmm. my glasses are too rose tinted for me to consider it #a thought for another day #anyway. hope this endless rambling made sense! and that u liked it!#would love to hear ur thoughts too <3 #pen’s notes #pen’s asks

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slaygentford · 1 year

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today's insane louisism: annoyed telling claudia to "do more" re getting along with lestat once he's let back in the house vs gently to lestat being like shes protective of me you know she'll settle youre being so understanding and doing so good baby WHILE THEYR GETTING READY FOR BED and then he EGTS INTO THAT BOX WITH HIM I understand that hes been like severely severely SUH VERE LEE abused but I fr have a headache. but then of course what was so insane of miss Anderson specifically is the way that when he's talking to claudia he's being totally honest in his annoyance and its just an open conversation regardless the content he is just genuinely bringing this up versus with lestat he's like. he's not fawning but he's placating oh kill him oh swamp. oh set him on fire. oh they should have set him on fire. light his ass up. piece of shit. tear his perm out at the root. oh I just got so mad

#I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE THAT QUEEN #Claudias entries about watching Louis do that shit....... you know she was so sad #its all fun and games until I think too long about ldpdl.#interQUEUE with the v sorry thats not funny

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moeblob · 2 months

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There was a post I saw about someone who mutually ghosted a guy after a date and kept matching with him and they're not interested but it's the longest "relationship" the person had been in at that point and I'm like. Karen would mutually ghost someone.

She doesn't really tell Brent/Right/Evelyn/Chris his name (he has a double first name, Patrick is not his last name) and just refers to him as "My Guy". Like "Ah damn, My Guy matched again. End my suffering." And when she tries to explain it to Right who does NOT understand how it's different, her logical answer is "it's my God given right to ghost a polite man!"

Also I just imagine her confiding in Paul about Rick and he's like "is his name Patrick" and she's like "kinda". And after that, Paul calls him "Pattycakes" cause he's never even seen the guy so why not give him a funny little nickname. He's allowed to do so at this point probably.

#my characters #also i just think it would be so funny to have him walk into the bar when karen and the boys are all there #and she sees him and is like OH MY GOD ITS MY GUY AND HE HAS A WOMAN WITH HIM I have to go congratulate him #and she jumps out of the booth to go say hi to him and the rest of her group is staring with wide eyes because whomst #and then her shoulders drop and the guy looks nervous and then karen is just gesturing to her group #and she walks him over and is like hey this is my guy and his cousin i hate my life #and then introduces rick to her friends/coworkers in the worst way ever like.... so lackluster #thats right and hes gay and pining and possibly dating #thats brent and hes pining and possibly dating #thats chris and he might have a divorce on his track record (HEY!) but we still love him #and thats paul the disaster bisexual currently pining #she sighs then points to the bar and goes AND I GUESS ILL INCLUDE the pining hot bartender in the introductions #everyone meet rick and his cousin and rick is like oh ! paul! hes your best friend!#cause he KNOWS that name from their ONE DATE that they both pretend didn't happen #and paul is just sunshine and flowers and beaming like oh ?? OH ??? KAREN? BESTIE? MY BEST FRIEND?#and she blushes and glares at rick because DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A FACE THAT CAN HANDLE COMPLIMENTS YOU JERK look what you did to him #and rick is v sorry and feels bad about it cause hes really just some random polite guy and thats why it would never work #hes too nice for karen and she CRAVES the teasing THE BANTER THE LANGUAGE and no hes just nice bye #so he leaves with his cousin to get some drinks and walks back over after hes done #and stares at paul as he says wow the bartender really is pining like you said in response to karen and paul wants to melt into his seat #therefore karen will forgive her guy for telling paul he was her best friend (its true tho) bc he made paul embarrassed #and he smiles at her and says bye and she just nods and is like yup talk to you next time we match #and its never romantic its always platonic #they are always going to match but its NEVER going to go beyond friends #though they do become friends and hang out eventually!#yes you can tell i thought about this A LOT on the drive #oops i fell in love

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thiefbird · 3 months

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We are once more reading JSTOR for fanfiction purposes: I gotta know how long a medical degree took at Trinity in the 1790s For Reasons

#this trans stephen maturin AU has grown Backstory bc i cannot just Write it has to Make Sense #ive gotten attached to mona. a character without a last name and who is referenced like. twice #i have 6 pages of backstory notes #and much more in my brain. but i cant write them down until i know how long getting his MD took #aubreyad #aubreyad fanfic #aubrey maturin #aubrey maturin fanfic #jack aubrey #stephen maturin #its really helpful that he went to trinity tho. bc i went to trinity. i know Places.#i dated an enviromental biologist there too. which is funny. my mother commented on their similarity tbh. bc Z is also v autistic #but i know The Places. ive been in the Old Bits where he would have had classes(they dripped water on my head while i was Learning)#and i know how the city Feels. like. the roads.#fuck i miss dublin. i should go to bed befoelre The Crying starts #or find an article thatll let me read it #need to remember to beg my mothers JSTOR access this weekend

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themyscirah · 1 month

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But look at us Luke, we're the ones left alone, holding some rich monster's pain. All of existence, built on his violence. All of space-time, humming to life with a single inviolate rule. Give the hero something to punch.

#kate kane #duke thomas #luke fox #outsiders #dc comic edit #comic edit #dc comics #my first time using photoshop lmao #got it for free with my school adobe acc and obviously im gonna abuse it for comic editing purposes. although i skipped all the tutorials #and just fucked around so idk this isnt like impressive. couldnt find buttons for a lot of what i wanted to do but i think i was just looki #in the wrong spots. anyways yeah.#batman #panel from outsiders no 3 ofc #dont know what else i say here. this is v much the product of me procrastinating writing an essay draft #if the format is weird im sorry im on tumblr desktop which idk how to use. bc photoshop is on my computer and also i turned my phone off so #would stay off my phone and focus. which obviously worked rlly well lmao #swishy's comic edits #panelposting #not rlly but ill tag that too for personal reference. yeah #bats #anyways this issue is so funny to me. like yes lets talk about how batman is everywhere and is taking over everything and also cant die. in #a batman comic that is taking over things (notably the team name etc) from other characters #IRONY!!!!#anyways dark multiverse(? idfk) duke thomas i love you. you can kill as many versions of bruce wayne as you like <3

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blood-choke · 4 months

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Is it bad that I relate to Valentina? If this was 2010 tumblr I would have kinned her and blocked anyone else who kinned her too and I would put in my DNI that if you're a mutual you're not allowed to follow any other Valentina kins.

i love this message

you got the spirit, Valentina kins would be ripping each other apart, a horrible but vital component of the tumblr ecosystem

#hana keeps V offline for everyone's safety LOL #when Valentina does use the internet she's like that one vampire from wwdits buying old furniture on ebay #she really only gets online for business/email stuff on behalf of Standard and the hotel #she's too private a person to have any kind of social media #however if she did have a secret tumblr account she would be crafting discourse the likes we have never seen #just to watch the bloodbath. sitting in the dark squinting at the screen with readers on #also i think it would be funny if she played minecraft. but otherwise was completely internet illiterate #valentina #ask #anonymous

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 7 months

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No but something I love is how fucking loyal Miklan really is (in Hopes specifically since we don't have enough information in Houses).

At the camp, he takes his job seriously. Very seriously. He doesn't act begrudging or like he's just doing anything by force. As the chapters go on he not only goes from relatively aloof to a full fledged commander (which is great development in that span of chapters btw considering how fast the story has to progress) and one who fights for Faerghus because he wants to (why would he reassure the player that he's going to, literally, hold down the fort? Why doesn't he flee when his life is in immediate danger despite that Dimtiri prefers his allies to flee and save their lives over sacrificing themselves? Why does he like helping citizens who had their lands destroyed by the war, despite being a bandit who used to plunge towns just like those?).

At any time when the Empire was attacking, he could've surrendered and even joined their side because of not liking Faerghus and its people... if he didn't like Faerghus and its people. Also, someone brought this up to me once that Miklan likely has family in the Empire still, because his mother was from the Empire. He had a perfectly good out that wouldn't even necessarily be considered treason to Faerghus, i.e. surrendering and going to the Empire to protect that side of his family.

He doesn't. He dies for Faerghus. It was both a matter of honor due to the fact that he was finally living the life he always should've been and wanted to be respected for that, and also his loyalty that followed in the past's wrongs being righted. No matter what you think of Miklan post disinheritance, he was the heir who was removed because he didn't have a Crest. All over just that, despite that Sylvain having a Crest never meant they didn't still have someone capable of fighting off Sreng invasions.

They had someone able to wield the Lance of Ruin, so why did it matter if he was officially the heir? Miklan felt like his life was stolen from him (and I'm not saying what he did to Sylvain was okay either). Dimitri gave him all of that back and he started to become loyal to Faerghus and its king because Dimitri was giving the chance even the man's own father never gave him from the moment Sylvain was determined to have a Crest.

What happened in his life before Dimitri had him brought to him as soon as he became king is, in a way, almost like it never happened as far as Miklan's behavior. It was obviously there at first, but over time it's like it never happened. That is, if someone met him and didn't know about his past, by chapter 9 they'd never even know he'd had that history. He was the person he would've been years ago if he hadn't been disinherited, which led to the mess that led to him being disowned (and he says he just "left", but Matthias doesn't mince facts. At all. If that had been the case he wouldn't just say he disowned him. He would admit Miklan ran away. That means Miklan claims he left as a means of coping and trying to convince other people that it was his choice and not forced on him).

Miklan became a lot more loyal than he's ever given credit for, both in the game and in the fandom. Gwendal did recognize it, but that's about all we're given.

Gwendal corrected himself when Miklan died, referring to him instead as Sir Miklan instead of the insults he was spewing during their fight which were very clearly pissing Miklan off; but Miklan kept fighting and defending the fort, not just because he wanted to prove Gwendal wrong but because he was here because he was pulled out of his life as a bandit. The people he was defending the fort for were the people who effectively gave him his life back.

Basically, he would've been there in that fort defending it anyway if he had lived the life he should have to begin with. If his value was acknowledged all along, he would've been defending the most important fort in Faerghus all along (if this exact scenario occurred and everything was the same except him being disowned in the first place). He would be there being the commander and fighter he was supposed to be.

Mind you, it was the king himself who gave him that chance, meaning the person who reigns over Faerghus and has the most power to change whatever the hell he wants - including how people with Crests and without are treated. Miklan was part of a fight to better their society and be part of the new generation taking over. Nobody could truly change things unless the king - the top power - had the thought to change them (not saying Lambert thought the political climate was good the way it was, but he clearly had other priorities and it didn't seem to be something weighing on his mind. He may not have even truly noticed the problems and power discrepancies because he was so focused on other things).

However, the moment the king thought to change all that old stuff, Miklan was one of the first people who came to mind, and one of the first people he took action regarding, to integrate into his new army (and he even mentioned completely rearranging his army and whatnot, and then we find out he had Miklan located basically right after becoming king. We had a two year timeskip and Miklan had been there for those two years because of how soon after Dimitri was crowned that he had decided to bring Miklan back and give him another chance).

If the king sought to change things and was taking active action to prove it, that was something Miklan could see and realize was actually going to happen. It wasn't a blind trust - he could see Dimitri was actually doing it. He had a reason to be able to trust him with this.

He was also able to trust the people who were watching over him, i.e. the people Dimitri had making sure he didn't revert back to any sort of banditry. Those people could have easily faked it, made up that he did something and that they had killed him on the spot. Dimitri trusted those people not to do that of course, but those people were not told to bring him to Dimitri if he did anything. They were told to apprehend him and kill him immediately (which is reasonable, given what he'd done in the past, and they wouldn't want to try to wait to get Dimitri over to wherever they were. If Miklan escaped in that time, they'd just have a big problem on their hands).

So that is to say, those people could've just faked it at any point and killed him. They didn't. They, like Dimitri, were willing to give him another chance provided he didn't do anything bad.

The same goes for Felix and everyone else who had qualms about him being allowed into their army. Dimitri explicitly stated if anyone had issues with his appointment as a commander to "by all means" kill him themselves. He literally made it an open option for his friends to just up and kill him if they truly couldn't forgive him (which at that point was more reasonable of a time because the war was still new and people didn't know if they could trust him with this specific appointment yet. By later in the story I don't think it would have been as reasonable for someone to try to kill him after he'd already been proving himself).

In other words, nobody did it. Everyone, literally everyone, backed off and respected Dimitri's decision (and technically Sylvain and Matthias' as well). None of those people, even when given open opportunity, turned a weapon on him. Not one. These people all gave him a chance. These are the same people he died fighting for, and for himself to be able to feel like he was fighting and dying for what he would have to begin with if he hadn't been disinherited - Faerghus and its people.

In the end Miklan was in both rank and heart a top ranking commander of Faerghus and he both appreciated it and knew he appreciated it. He was looking forward to the future Dimitri would bring, basically saying that he thinks Dimitri is a fool ("weak-willed") for it but that he now believes in it too. If anyone wants to try arguing those points, I have receipts as the young folk call them, fresh from Miklan himself about his feelings about it as spoken to Catherine and Shamir!

Miklan fought for the future he was hoping to see, and he died protecting that future. Again, not something he by any means whatsoever had to do. He was tasked with guarding the fortress, but was never told to lay down his life defending it. After years and years of being hateful and angry, he finally had some peace of mind and hope for what he could be. He was loyal to Dimitri in the end because Dimitri was loyal to him - that is, he kept his word and Miklan was able to thrive in Dimitri's society without being a bandit or having to worry about his future because of his status.

Like Dimitri said, the only thing holding him down by that point were his past mistakes. It was up to Miklan to do something about that for himself with the opportunity he was given to fix it. Dimitri said here, fix it, and Miklan said okay, and worked to fix it. For me the saddest part is that he didn't even get enough time to properly fix it and be able to be free of his past. He died for Faerghus though, with his dying words being that he was able to buy them time (to arrive and fight back against the attacking Empire). That's not something someone who holds a resentful grudge would say in their last moments. He was grateful he managed to buy the other fighters time, even though it cost him his life.

hopes was a dumpster fire a whole lot of times but its incorporation of miklan into the plot was not one of them. miklan fire emblem my love you will live on in my heart and in my fics. i am also deeply grateful to hopes for uh i guess hopes-canonizing (hopesonizing???) basically every one of my headcanons about him before the game came out.

#Miklan #Miklan Anschutz Gautier #remember the time i mentioned working on a fic and it was an au and like #i had planned to kill him and glenn off together for the plot? and how i scrapped it bc i got too attached to them?#and i couldn't go through with it when i thought abt sylvain and miklan's could be would be relationship?#that was me on the right track for the rest of my life. even back then i see i had a FEELING #i just KNEW something. funny enough in hopes miklan has a line that's like #pretty close to what i had him say in the fic... so uh my assertions and understandings of his character #were scarily accurate before we had anything but him as an enemy in houses to go by #and what dimitri talked abt post that chapter. uhhh maybe i am a miklan whisperer???#anyway miklan is easily by far the most underrated character in the entirety of hopes #and one of the most underrated characters overall #he has one of the most interesting stories from start to finish (esp in hopes)#how he was a noble family's heir to being disinherited to becoming an angry and hateful child #to growing up like that bc evidently nobody tried to steer him on the right path #to getting disowned only to be disowned for a lol measly for few months or so TOPS in hopes lmao #before being told to come back. in houses he was disowned presumably exactly as long but #dimitri wasn't the top power of faerghus. he couldn't have made the decision he got to make in hopes #so ofc the whole yeehaw lance of ruin thing happened. in hopes' case he was gone that long and just #took a vacation basically and came back and was basically told /B E H A V E/#except everyone was finally trying to steer him in the right direction even if it was SUUUPER fucking late #and he was grown up and set in his ways/behaviors/mannerisms that arose due to his childhood and onward #BUT from there and after being a very spiteful bandit he pulled himself together and was genuinely happier for it #enough to the point of considering himself ''weak willed'' to have started to believe in these visions dimitri has for the future #it makes me sad how he died in ag and like... even outside of ag there was never any hope of that family being whole #they weren't whole from the moment sylvain was determined to have a crest #and they couldn't be whole in houses bc dimitri never had the chance to change anything #then in hopes they could never be whole bc a different gautier dies in every hopes route #my poor fam never even had a chance to be whole again even though they genuinely tried so hard to be ;n; ;n; ;n;

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