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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 4 months

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12/31/2023

Well, here we are at the end of 2023. I don't remember if I did an end-of-the-year diary entry. This has possibly been the most stressful year I've been through and I imagine it will get harder and more stressful. All that means is that I am participating in life like everyone else on the planet. I've made new friends, I've gained new experiences, I got a new job, I've learned more about myself... Despite the stress, I'd say there is a lot to appreciate about 2023.

This one is going to be a long one... I've been getting into Jennette McCurdy's work, and I listened to her year-end review podcast episode. So instead of just talking about my year in a stream of consciousness, I'm going to start with answering the same questions she did in her podcast.

What is your proudest achievement?

I'm proud of maintaining a job while going to school. I think the previous me would have definitely given up by now, but knowing that I'm about to reach my one year of working for Jewel makes me feel more confident. I feel like I can do more.

2. What or whom are you most thankful for?

I'm thankful for a lot of people in my life to be honest, it's hard to rank them all. But if I had to say, my confidante would be there. There are people who try their best to motivate me and support me, and honestly bless their hearts for trying. But I feel like no one really talks to me the way he does. The way he radically accepts me, and trusts me. The way he will stay up all night to give me a friend to talk to and enrich my life. The way he forgives me when I honestly don't deserve it. It is the kind of forgiveness that doesn't make me feel, "welp, all's well things are normal." It's the kind of forgiveness that inspires me. At one point in the heat of despair, he asks me what I gain out of our companionship and I wish I could have said this. I just said garbled prattling. I hope we can continue to be companions.

3. What surprised you most?

I had a very traumatic November. The month wherein Jayson didn't want to be with me was something I was not prepared for. Everything shitty leading up to that was equally painful. We were fighting a lot. Edit: I wrote down some memories of our fights, but I decided to delete that part because I honestly want to forget those moments and leave them in the past. Jayson will probably want us to forget those bad times. And I'm getting old, memories that would have haunted me as a child or a teen don't stick with me anymore, the perks of having a goldfish memory bank. I know Jayson regrets how he's acted. The day he took me back was polarizing. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but the tiger parenting and the abandonment made me hesitant. Ultimately if he was willing to give me a chance to grow as a person, then I wanted to do the same. We are still together. When I told my cousin we repaired our relationship she asked me if I was happy. I didn't know if I was but after spending time with Jayson again, I was reminded why my heart chose him. Right now we are very happy, and we are excited to move forward in our lives.

4. How has your relationship with yourself changed?

I think this was the year I've done the most changing, ergo my relationship with myself has changed. I still struggle with loving myself, I'm still overcritical, I struggle with forgiving myself, and I beat myself up when I've not improved enough. What has improved is my strife to understand what my own needs are and I'm more motivated to go after what I want. I want to try new things, face more fears, be myself in a way that is loud and confident, and unapologetic. I've come to appreciate how impenetrable my optimism is. I get sad, frustrated, and insecure, but I don't feel trapped in my negativity. No matter how much I dislike people, no matter how dark and scary the world seems to be, I somehow manage to find reasons to smile.

5. How have your life goals changed?

I've added more life goals whether that would be the long-term or the short term. Some goals have been taking me a long time to achieve, but I don't think I've ever given up on a goal. There might have been some advice my peers have given me, I try them and then decide they aren't for me so I stop. But I don't think that counts...?

6. How have your relationships with your friends and family changed?

I'll start with family first. I've grown more emotionally distant from my siblings. Reese is still brotherly to me but he's involved with the school so much that he's evolved to a level of communication I cannot talk with. Aki just hates me. Gwen is difficult to talk to, we're on different levels of development. I don't really have the desire to grow closer to them. I still want to maintain a good relationship with my parents. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed. I've grown to appreciate my dad more. Although my dad has a bad case of Trump derangement syndrome. All he watches is neo-lib socialists that make whole-ass careers outta saying "Orange man bad" a million different ways. I'm not political by the way, I just don't understand how my dad is entertained by this. Despite that, I love my dad and now that he's retired, I can look back at how hard he worked to give my family a great life. Outside my immediate family, I've spent quality time with my cousin for girl talk, which is nice. Next, I shall talk about my friends. Friendship is difficult to maintain as an adult. Especially if you aren't going to the same school or working at the same job. I've already discussed the rough patch with my boyfriend but we are improving things. I have other friends but I just don't know how to say hi or strike up a good conversation. I crave connection, I get frustrated at small talk or when I feel like I'm not being fully understood. This is why I talk to my confidante so much. The conversations we have feel meaningful. I'm anxious that I spilled my spaghetti on him sometimes. Edit: I don't like going back and removing my thoughts from my diary after I post but geez -a-loo I made a classic example of spilling my damn spaghetti. Our relationship has gone through some changes but I ended up focusing too much on the negative because I let my pride and ego cloud my judgment. You could tell I my head was up my ass cuz I focused too much on how it was affecting me and not the fact that I should be worried about how he's been sick and was making concerning jokes about himself. I'll write more about this concept but damn I needed an ego check. I really want to try to become proper friends with my art senpai. But I will have to get over my inferiority complex if I want to grow closer.

7. What do you wish you worried about less?

This is going to sound incredibly cliche, but I wish I would just stop worrying about what other people think. I still do and it's stunted my growth, it is almost in the realm of ruining my life. I want to stop letting people affect my mood, stop waiting to hear other people's opinions, and stop pretending like I understand how people are feeling when I really don't. The Healthy Gamer put out a video about rejection sensitivity and it pretty much summed up my problem

youtube

This is why I can't seem to sit with neutral or negative social interactions. All logic tells me that I won't loose my confidante as a friend, but the fact that I'm feeling the lack of presence or maybe feelings of disapproval more than anything positive makes me anxious. I end up spiraling and I keep asking myself what should I do to fix this now that I've fucked up the friendship. I think this also why I have a desire to be babied. A baby or a little girl will most likely have immediate approval just by existing. There's safety in knowing that whatever I do will be met with patience understanding and support, and not the risk of judgment or disappointment. It also leads into body dysmorphia, a problem I have relapsed into again and again when I thought I was over it. "Oh if only I was smaller and cuter people would like me, they'd want to take care of me, but instead I'm a tall ugly adult woman who's a total crybaby and needs to grow tf up." The dysmorphia really fucks with me and I wish it wasn't just a problem for me in 2023.

8. What is your funniest memory of the year?

I can't really think of anything Laugh out loud funny memories. I was more stressed out than laughing. If I had to pick it would be the strange Chicago whether that brought upon holiday tone switches. On Halloween, there was a big snowstorm. The snow didn't stick and pile on the ground for too long but just the amount made it difficult to walk or drive in it. You'd think something like this would happen on Christmas but no. On Christmas Eve there was a thick layer of fog that made my town feel like Silent Hill. I'm not kidding, the stores and Christmas decorations made everything feel so creepy and liminal. It was the strangest thing. It's funny how things turned out like that.

9. What new or renewed friendships do you cherish?

I cherish the friendships I have now. The only ones I can think of is the friendships I want to renew or plan to add to my life. I want to be proper friends with my art senpai, this is true. There are also a few friendships I've grown distant from due to being busy. One of my closer friends seems to have left Discord out of nowhere and I need to find a new way of contacting him.

10. What bad habits do you wish you'd changed?

Ohhhh so many bad habits I should have dropped yesterday. To list off a few, general laziness is a big one, overeating, and over-stimulation leading to short dopamine bursts; i.e. laying on my bed watching YouTube videos or worse watching pornography. There's also negative self-talk and the habit of jumping to bad conclusions. We've talked about how I'm so afraid of rejection and negative reactions from others. I also want to stop being so conflict-avoidant. I don't want drama, but I don't want to tolerate bad vibes in my life like I normally do just to keep a social circle or just to keep the peace. If there is conflict I want to limit how sensitive I can be. I'm just a sensitive person and I don't think that will change. But being overly sensitive has held me back in terms of social competency. I can't just take a joke, and I get overbearing to others like constantly asking how they are feeling. If I'm too clingy I end up trying to be too present in their lives. If I don't get a text back that causes a spiral of self-blame. Day ruined. I also want to stop touching and picking at my face so much. I'm getting older and my skin will not be as forgiving if I pop a zit and it leaves a scar after picking so much at the scab it left. Some good habits I want to introduce in my life are waking up early again, going to the gym every day, regulating my emotions through meditation, washing my face every day, keeping a weekly schedule, reading more books instead of fucking around on YT, exercising my creative muscle more, eating healthy, and cleaning my room regularly. All of this will be helpful on my journey to excellency.

11. What theme do you want the next year to take?

I will be doing a lot more self-exploration. But I will not be just sitting around waiting for an epiphany. The quest for excellecy requires me to take action. So my theme for 2024 will be turning into a fully realized woman. I've been a woman for a long time now, but during that time, I had an aversion to calling myself a woman or engaging in womanhood. I was carrying what most people would call internalized misogyny. I'm not talking about traditional women being class citizens to men and their only purpose is sex, making babies, and making sandwiches kind of misogyny. It's I don't understand women very well so I should just not try to engage in active feminity. That being having more female friends, wearing make-up, decorating, fashion- all these things I thought were choices made by women to impress other people. But I've discovered that engaging with yourself this way is all part of growing up, and self-acceptance. It's not that I hate women it's just that I've yet to realize who I am as a woman. My identity is very weak. It might be why people find me boring after a while. There's nothing about me to latch on to, nothing solid. When you are a child you can wear whatever you want, roll around in a messy bedroom, and be fluid with your identity. It's not an issue specific to women, but I am a woman and I want to emphasize that. I'd say I'm an artist before saying I'm a woman. I don't mean take a megaphone and shout to everyone about my pretty pink princess. I want to make more independent choices for myself. I want to fully engage with my interests and not just observe them on the sidelines. I want to decorate my room all coquette and princess-y. My art senpai is what inspired this need in me. She doesn't just express her excellency through her art but I consider her a fully realized woman, brimming with confidence and maturity. I want to be the kind of woman that knows what she wants. It's a big reason why I wish to be proper friends with her. This leads me to my next point; having more female friends. You might notice that my life is very male-centered. The most trusted people in my life are my boyfriend, my confidante (who is male), and my dad. Plus all my other friends are guys. Having a lot of men in my life is not inherently bad. I love the men in my life very much. But I always thought something was missing from my relationships. There was a lack of freedom in conversation that I could not achieve with my male peers. To do this I must get over the hurdle of anxiety in messing up or failing to make a true connection.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

End of part one (kinda) I think I'm going to save the rest of what I wanted to say until tomorrow. Until then Happy New Year. I will appreciate how much I've changed!

#personal #diary #Youtube #me

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economistnews · 5 years

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I don't Follow a Guru Because I’m Terrified

Many followers of yoga say to find a guru. A guru is a guide that you follow in life and/or spirituality. Some people choose to follow blindly and others follow with caution. I don't follow a guru because I’m terrified. I have a hard time with the entire guru thing because I'm fearful of being taken advantage of or being guided down a self-serving path.

You give money to most gurus to fund some sort of mission that usually has great intent. My experience was horrible because I felt like I was completely doing the right thing. Wesley Chapman, the son of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was my guru. He had an amazing mission of helping kids that were severely abused and were labelled the same as him - unlikely to thrive.

For most of 2018, I paid $1000 a month to talk on the phone with him once a week. I had assignments and we followed a curriculum that was supposedly reviewed by Dr. Drew whom I eventually met. We talked about my life story - the abuse, my fears, passions and the life I wanted to create. In many ways he used all of those against me in the end. I paid $1500 to fly out to Malibu and work an event called The Human Gathering where I was supposed to be a participant. I got to drive around the founder of Make-a-Wish and other attendees to and from the hotel to the event venue. I met Maggie Q, Dylan McDermott and the daughter of Rodney King. At the end of the event, Wesley told me, ”You convinced me of your future.”

I thought I had finally surrounded myself with the like-minded people I had always dreamed of finding. Then, the ’ask’ happened. Wesley had me on a conference call with his assistant, her husband and myself. They invited me to join them in the quest to help kids all over the world through his organization, A Human Project. This was only an increase of $500 more a month. I felt so sure that I was so the right path that I, without hesitation, said, ”Yes.”

After completing my coaching program, I was asked to come to ’his’ ranch for an internship. This internship had nothing to do with Camp Human or A Human Project and everything to do with how we were to build a product for people to enroll in The Hero’s Quest. I also was used as an assistant for an event called a Warrior Podcast Emersion. Where people paid an upwards of $10,000 to learn how to start podcasting. I ended up building a clickfunnel that made Wesley about $5000 off of two women. This was a complete disaster. I was asked if I was all in. Later, I learned that ‘all in’ meant to leave my life as I knew it and move to Idaho to work for Wake The Hero. There wasn’t actually ever a real coaching curriculum in place at the time of my coaching training.

The call never came after I left the ranch as well as a reimbursement check for gas and a lock. The Long Shot Ranch ended up being owned by three men - Wesley Chapman, Nick Long and Russ Perry. All of them, in my opinion, are frauds. However, after being strung along I was reimbursed with Nick’s permission. Wesley was eventually kicked off the ranch and is now trying to use his family for monetary gain through a vlog where companies sponsor ads with Life With The Chapmans.

#guru #yoga #yoga guru

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logos-of-experience-and-truth · 1 year

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Podcast Transcript - S2EP15 - Experiencing the Mystery

I will apologize ahead of time and state that I don’t know where to begin this episode. So many things occurred and continued to occur that though I have all my notes of each of these experiences none of them have dates, so my mind is searching for a timeline to follow. But since there isn’t one, I feel sort of scatterbrained and am mentally trying to group them into categories so that it’s easier for you to follow along while listening to this or reading it via the ebook. After reviewing some of the Eastern religions, I opened up to reading more contemporary writings about God and spiritual ideas and concepts, or New Age stuff, and this is when I began to learn more about synchronicity after reading some Carl Jung, probably while I was in my Philosophy of Religion class. To further drive home the infancy of knowledge between the history of Catholic and Protestant Christianity I had at this time, though I had bought a Catholic Bible, since I was living in West LA, not that far from where I had lived in Santa Monica ten years prior as a child, I wanted to go somewhere familiar for church services and I wound up going to the Episcopal church I used to go to down by the third street promenade. It was an excellent choice, and again, to further this blurring of what makes it difficult to discern the differences between the two, then for me, as I’m sure it does for others now, literally right when I started going to this church, a few of the members had started a Centering/Contemplative prayer group that’s based on the works of St. John of the Cross, a Catholic Saint, that some other modern day priest had formed into what is called the Centering prayer movement within these circles. Father Keating I think was his name, and the book I think was called Open Mind Open Heart. In one of those weird synchronous things, after I read why the Church disapproved of the interpretation of St. John of the Cross’s works found in Centering prayer and the works of this priest, the book sort of vanished from my library of books and I actually have no idea what happened to it. Anyways, it was here where after telling my tale of the near-death experience during the new member orientation when a lady I was talking to told me that God had been trying to get my attention and needed to drop a boulder on my head to do so. Having read the Bible now, I was also starting to form that internal knowledge that God puts those He loves to the test to refine them like gold in a fire, over and over again. Since then, I’ve sometimes seen this idea in the positive, sometimes I’ve seen this idea in the negative, and I’ve loved when I’ve read stories like St. Teresa of Avila recounting a time she was walking along a road talking to God and I think it was a cart that rode by and splashed her with mud, and she told God it’s because of stuff like this that you have so few friends. Or the Muslim way of expressing this conundrum: if God lays hands on you, how can you complain or fight it if God’s the one doing it? So, this is where I started learning to meditate, going to this Centering/Contemplative prayer group weekly that focused on the work of a Catholic priest, two Catholic priests in fact, though I think the priest author of that book Open Mind Open Heart was eventually excommunicated, and meeting this group at an Episcopal Church. Kind of funny when you think about the Catholic Protestant thing. My next strange and horrifying experience happened on one of these nights after leaving the prayer meeting group though, and it’s the primary reason I never ventured towards anything other than the more ancient forms of the Church. Not that I have anything really against Evangelical Christianity other their hostility towards anything not Evangelical Christianity, meaning their hostility towards me since I’m Catholic and that they somehow have convinced their members that the Catholic Church is some type of a cult, which would make it a pretty ancient and massive cult and the fount from which their Christianity emerged since the Catholic Church gathered, compiled, preserved and edited the very Bible they use. Not in King Jame’s time which is what unfortunately many Protestants seem to think, but in St. Jerome’s time around the year 400 AD. But anyways it was because of what happened on this night that I never bothered with anything other than Episcopal, which is essentially American Church of England alongside Anglican, or King Henry’s church, or the first real split from Catholic other than Eastern Orthodox, or. . .the Catholic Church. Just for context's sake, I’m now many moons removed from any and all drug use, so probably starting at this point, anything that I say that I saw no longer has any potentiality as having been the result of recent drug use. I’m not sure how long that stuff stays in your system. There’s that myth of the spinal tap of acid re-surging in a user up to a decade later since it stays in the spinal system fluid or something like that, but I never found myself frying balls within the decade after having taken acid so I’m pretty sure that’s just a myth. I was walking up the street from the church towards where I’d had to park my car. Anybody that lives in the West LA area knows what I’m talking about, but if you’ve never been, finding parking is hell on Earth in West LA. For instance, on my first day of school at Santa Monica College, even though I was stupid enough to buy the parking pass, since there was no parking anywhere to be found even with a stupid pass, I had to drive up and down the side streets trying to find parking. I got three parking tickets on that single day, running to my car to move it after each class and failing miserably at moving it before the meter maid had nabbed me. Over the next two weeks I was more successful and only got another two parking tickets. Hell on earth, just like driving the freeways there. . . Read the full article

#CatholicChurchandtheMysteriesofChrist #GuidedMeditation #MediaandConspiracy #MeditationandContemplativePrayer #ProtestantChristianity #Season2EpisodeTranscripts #SpiritualSigns #St.JohnDarkNightoftheSoul #Synchronicity #WorldReligions

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planetsparkreviews · 2 years

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Planetspark Review – Prashanth’s Parents Reviews

The first time I came across a PlanetSpark Review, I was surfing the internet, looking for a solution to help my son gain some confidence. The person who dropped the review had a daughter with confidence issues, just like my son.

When Prashanth was little, he often stammered, which continued until he was 5. Although his mother, Ranu, and I took him to Speech Therapy to help with his stammer, his speech improved somewhat, but his confidence did not improve. When his stammer was still terrible, he was always made fun of and sometimes bullied, which made him close up completely.

Although his mother and I tried our best to stop him from closing up, we couldn't do much because we spent much time away from him. With me being a bank officer in a top bank in Udupi, Karnataka, and his mother going to her boutique, watching him 24/7, and trying to bring him out of his shell was an impossible task. We knew his lack of confidence to communicate was not good, but we had no idea how bad it was. As I said, we were both busy with work and spent less time with him. During our time with him, he was somewhat free with us, and we hardly had to meet any strangers or new people.

However, recently, when Ranu got a manager for her boutique, and she started spending more time at home and with Prashanth, she got more worried. She said she noticed he was always shy when he spoke to us, and when he talked to strangers, it was almost soundless. Sometimes, he sounded like he was about to cry, and other times, his stammering worsened.

I didn't understand at first, but she insisted that the few times she had taken him out during the week, he was always very reluctant. The matter died for a while, but when I got leave from work, I saw all that Ranu had been saying. When his cousins came over with my sister, Naya, my son refused to speak up and play with his cousins.

It had been a long time since they saw each other, so I assumed he would be excited to play with them. Instead, he sat by the corner and watched as the two boys, Viraj and Yash, played with their toys. Ranu had prompted him to play with them and show them his toys, but he declined with a shake of his head, and when she insisted, pushing him and making him stand in front of them, he had a total breakdown.

I decided to take things into my own hands and searched the internet for solutions, which was when I stumbled upon some PlanetSpark Reviews. The first one I read had a similar case to Prashant, but like the other solutions I had come across earlier, I wasn't convinced, so I decided to read more. I eventually decided to check PlanetSpark.

When Prashanth started his classes, I noticed how in-depth the curriculum was. Because of his speech and confidence issues, his teacher Mr Manjeet had started the course with lessons on body language and voice modulation. Things seemed to be going great, and I hoped that when I saw the result, my PlanetSpark Review would be as positive as the ones I had read on the internet. The first improvement I noticed was his communication with Ranu and myself; his voice was not as low as it had always been when he communicated with us. Instead, he had begun to voice out more often, and we did not have to prompt him. To boost his confidence, Mr Manjeet ensured he educated my son on topics he was taking in school and ones he was yet to be taught.

Two months into his PlanetSpark lessons, Mr Manjeet gave him a topic to read and work on before his next class. Before that, Mr Manjeet had told him about podcasting. They watched many videos and read many articles on how to start a podcast, and although my son seemed interested in it, he was not confident about starting one. After he had worked on the assignment with Ranu's help, he had typed out his work with my help and thought he would submit it as an essay, but the teacher asked him to talk on the topic as though it was a podcast. Seeing as it was impromptu, Prashanth was nervous at first, and I thought he was going to close up on his teacher, but much to our surprise, he did not. He spoke on the topic, and although he wasn't perfect, we could see that he had significantly improved, and that was his motivation to start his podcast.

Prashanth also joined the theatre group and had to act in a monologue scene in front of his teacher and some of the age group that he had never met before on PlanetSpark. The whole theatre idea really impressed me, but I wished something like this could be done physically and not the students acting their scenes miles apart. This is not just so we can keep memories of our son's improvements, but also, I fear that he has not gotten very used to talking to a large crowd. Acting physically would be in front of many people, and he would learn to master his stage fright.

Although Prashanth is still quite reserved, I believe it is just his personality, but when it comes to his communication and confidence, he has greatly improved. My 13-year-old boy, who was scared of talking to his cousins, now took it upon himself to speak to the woman at the counter whenever his mother took him to get something, and I couldn't be prouder. He knows when to speak up for himself, and he doesn't let anything stop him from saying his views. His teachers in school even commented on how he had started answering questions voluntarily and stopped sitting and doing things all by himself.

I noticed that after every class, there was no reference to what his teacher said. If there could be a recording of my son's classes made available for us, that would be great. Although PlanetSpark is a great learning platform, I think it would be better to improve on the demo classes. Since I checked the demo class before signing Prashanth up for the main class, I got to experience both. While the demo class was great, I believe it could have been better since it is a decision-making point for parents.

In all, PlanetSpark has truly helped Prashanth, not only in boosting his confidence but in many other areas of communication and critical thinking. All thanks to the PlanetSpark review I saw while surfing the internet.

#planet spark reviews #planet spark #planetspark review #planetspark

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monotonous-minutia · 3 years

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thanks to @notyouraveragejulie I just got an email from a Real Live Opera Singer who also happens to be a mezzo who also happens to have sung pieces of one of my favorite opera characters and that provided some really sweet insight into the character and well I might be dead this is the greatest thing ever

#and she's just really nice #and funny #i told her how i was trying to leave a review for her podcast and Spotify hates me because it won't let me do it #and she replied back that Spotify doesn't have a way to leave reviews #she said ' It’s them not you'#which makes me think of that stereotypical breakup line #'it's not you it's me'#idk i always get a kick out of it when people reference that #anyway #i got so excited to see the notification for the email when i woke up #but i was also terrified like 'oh shit i can't believe i emailed an actual opera singer who am i'#but again she was just so nice and thoughtful about the things i said and #well i don't think i'll ever be over it

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paradisetemporarilymisplaced · 3 years

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So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They’re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

#the old guard #tog #tog fanfiction #tog meta #immortal family #nile freeman #mine #damn look at me contributing to a fandom! that’s new #pls reblog if you like this my self esteem could really use it #I just love nile so much and I’m being the nile-centric content I want to see in the world #it is just genuinely nuts to think abt how this situation would be perceived by anyone outside the narrative #she just mysteriously heals from a fatal injury and then VANISHES!!! this should be national fuckin news #also I do think there’s a major hole in the story when you think abt social media #like the only time it’s even hinted at is right at the very beginning when Andy erases that girl’s selfie #and the concept of fuckin Reddit is not even brought up despite Copley’s stalker board being analog Reddit #there’s just a lot of places one could go with this which is very much what we got here #1k

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ewates · 2 years

Note

hihi! you mentioned challenger deep in your latest update, and i was wondering what your favourite books are if you don’t mind sharing!

honey. you've got a big storm coming.

i absolutely LOVE talking about my favorite books but this list got very out of hand & i would recommend you reading better summaries than what i gave & seeking out any content warnings that you might need. the majority of my favorite books tend to deal with very heavy topics and marked cws very poorly since my memory isn't too clear on every single event.

my goodreads is here so feel free to add me as a friend on it if you want!! i update fairly often while i’m reading & i leave as unprofessional reviews as a man can

novels told in verse:

the black flamingo by dean atta -- a coming of age story about a mixed-race gay teen and his journey with drag (cw for homophibia)

the poet x by elizabeth acevedo -- a teen girl uses poetry to cope with her life & finding herself

other words for home by jasmine warga -- a young girl immigrates from syria to america & how she deals with this displacement

blood water paint by joy mccullough -- based on the painter artemisia gentileschi & the people that used her (cw for sexual assault and child abuse)

survival(ish):

i am still alive by kate alice marshall -- a girl goes to live with her father in the middle of nowhere but ~something~ happens that lives her alone and having to live off the land (cw for animal harm/death)

living dead girl by elizabeth scott -- the mc was kidnapped before the events of the story and she struggles with the abuse that she faces. (cw for csa. seriously. this is one of my favorite books but it's incredibly difficult to read.)

sadie by courtney summers -- a teenager is on a mission to find the man that killed her little sister and get her revenge. (cw for csa) this also has podcast transcripts & a full cast audiobook. (inspiration for in defense of arson)

room by emma donoghue -- from the perspective of a young boy who's been raised in captivity with his mother (cw for sexual assault and kidnapping)

mystery/thriller/horror:

far from you by tess sharpe -- a girl struggles with her addiction as she tries to hunt down the person who killed her best friend. the highlight of this book for me was their friendship in the flashbacks (cw for addiction)

the girl with all the gifts by m.r. carey -- set in a zombie apocalypse, a group of people try to find the cure to this by testing on very strange children (very similar to the last of us, which is maybe why i loved it)

the only good indians by stephen graham jones -- a group of boys cause an entity to come after them after something that they did when they were teenagers (cw for animal cruelty. there's a lot of it)

all of gillian flynn's books are pretty solid but my order of favorites is this: sharp objects, the grownup, dark places, gone girl

fantasy:

and the ocean was our sky by patrick ness -- a war between humans and whales (sort of like the reverse moby dick)

girls made of snow and glass by melissa bashardoust -- a retelling of snow white with the perspective of the "evil" stepmother and the daughter. (cw for child abuse)

contemporary:

challenger deep by neal shusterman -- (!!!) this one follows a boy and his struggle with schizophrenia. it goes between chapters of his hallucinations were he's convinced he's on a boat in the middle of the ocean and his every day life. it includes art made by the author's son

everything beautiful is not ruined by danielle younge-ullman -- a teen girl goes on a wilderness survival trip that's meant to help at-risk teens, split with flashbacks of her mother's depression (cw for attempted sexual assault & almost anything else you can think of. the other teens in the group discuss their reasons for also being at the camp and they range quite a bit)

historical:

the wolf wilder by katherine rundell -- a little girl and her mother help teach tamed wolves to live in the wild again while struggling against the russian army.

midnight at the electric by jodi lynn anderson -- in the far future a girl stays with her only living relative temporarily and finds journals detailing someone that lived in the home a hundred years ago.

it wasn't always like this by joy preble -- set in two different timelines following the same girl after she and her family drank from a fountain that granted them immortality.

series:

the illuminae files by amie kaufman and jay kristoff -- after their planet is destroyed, the survivors are stuck trying to survive in ships while their enemies are still in pursuit and their AI grows less and less trustworthy. told in chatlogs, surveillance footage, journal entries, interviews, etc. the audiobook is full cast with sound effects & the cast is incredible. (aidan is my favorite character and a huge source of inspiration of writing a more evil connor, i've also titled many of my fics after quotes from this series)

half bad trilogy by sally green -- the son of a powerful & evil witch tries to figure out who to trust in the world as he tries to find his father (cw for child abuse, haven't read the last book in this series and i would recommend the audiobooks since the narrator does an incredibly job invoking the emotion. it has chapters that are written in second person but the vast majority of it isn't if that isn't your cup of tea)

the young elites by marie lu -- high fantasy set in a world where a disease kills the majority of the population but leaves some of those with strange abilities. a group of people come together to try and stop the oppression that these people face. (sort of like xmen meets assassins creed)

short stories:

(horror) mapping the interior by stephen graham jones -- a boy struggles after the death of his father & his little brother's illness. he has visions of his father coming back from the dead to help heal his brother.

(horror) a house at the bottom of the lake by josh malerman -- a couple goes canoeing on their first date and finds a house (you guessed it) at the bottom of the lake.

(historical fantasy) the empress of salt and fortune by nghi vo -- a cleric is sent to listen to & write down a story about the rise of a chinese empress. (there are more in this series i haven't read yet)

graphic novels/manga:

they called us enemy by george takei -- nonfiction about george takei living in japanese interment camps in his childhood

in real life by cory doctorow -- the mc's only outlet is playing in an mmorpg but she realizes the dark sides of the game and how people are exploited by others.

reindeer boy by cassandra jean -- a girl has dreams about a reindeer boy that visits her every christmas until one day he shows up in real life as the new boy at her school

alice 19th by yuu watase -- a manga series that follows a girl and learning magic to bring back a sister that she accidentally cursed to disappear.

#asks #anonymous #i have quite a few books on my favorites shelf on my gr that i didnt include here for the sole purpose that #i do not finish series very often. but i love the first one and by the time i buy the others in the series i'm no longer in the mood to read

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ofdreamsanddoodles · 3 years

Audio

pov: you’re a calling in to a voice from darkness and the guy trying to save you from the monster that’s currently hunting you down is being kind of a dick about it

Transcript:

RYDER: You experienced unexplained and mysterious passage of time? That’s fantastic.

AMANDA: Doctor, I’m not done. That was just my first encounter. The black door - it’s… following me. RYDER: Following you? How? Wait - hold that thought, Amanda. My producer is telling me we need to cut to our pre-recorded segment. I’m sorry, please stay on the line RYDER (RECORDED): ... On this day in Odd America--

RACHEL (crying): My hair. My hair is falling out. When… when it touches me, it’s like my hair and skin are dying. RYDER: Give me a minute, Rachel. Let’s go to Today in Odd America while I review my research.

RACHEL: Do I need to stab or cut them? Angry Chattering. Rachel screams. RACHEL: The one behind me. It ripped out a chunk of my hair. RYDER: You asked a question. They don’t like questions.

DIANE: I skipped orientation… it sounded boring. RYDER: Skipped orientation? You’re at the best school of supernatural scholarship in the country. That necessitates there being the supernatural at the school. It’s an incredible place to learn, but it’s also quite dangerous. Now, I’ll help you out of the ghost library. But in return, I’d like you to go to my sister’s office - Professor Amelia Ryder’s office. Let her know you missed orientation.

DIANE: I promise. I promise I’ll go. Please help me though. I think… I think the ghost of William Milner is in front of me. What do I do? RYDER: Scream.

RYDER: He’ll become enraged and expel you from his library. Diane, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but HAD you gone to orientation, you’d know that.

RYDER: Further attempts were made to breach the state’s borders - on ground and by aircraft. Not a single attempt to date has proven successful. The last expedition was conducted by Elon Musk’s Boring Company - where they created a tunnel beneath the state. Eighty of Musk’s workers are now comatose. Musk himself remained at the border. He is healthy and fine.

DERRICK: You make it sound like I’m not in New Mexico anymore. RYDER: You emphatically are not in New Mexico - not in America - not anywhere in the world as you understand it. I’m sorry if I haven’t properly conveyed that to you.

RYDER: "Dr. Ryder, over the past few days I’ve lost 30 pounds, my skin has cleared, and my eyes have this brightness to them that they didn’t before. Men pay attention to me in a way that I haven’t experienced. But… I can’t digest solid food anymore. And I’m craving blood. Am I turning into a vampire?”.... Short answer - Yes.

MIKE: You almost killed me. RYDER: Mike, the leeches were hunting you. Eventually they’d find you, devour you, and move on to kill someone else - using your face. If I hadn’t- Why don’t you state what happened. And after, I’ll explain why it was necessary. For context, I dropped off a large terrarium containing hundreds of spiders.

MIKE: You said the spiders would handle the rest - that they’d hunt the leeches. RYDER: I didn’t say the word “hunt”. That would imply that they’d leave your home

RYDER: The sexually transmitted language of Vlinn

RYDER: “Her finger guided me down the page of a playscript. I saw stage directions, and dialogue. For the waitress, for the large man, and... for myself. Her, spilling the sugar. Her lines about the Forth of July, his response--my sitting down, my ordering a meal! All in the script. What did I walk into, Dr. Ryder? Please, help me understand.” RYDER: .... Bob, I-I’m afraid I don’t know what you walked into. I could say something trite about how Shakespeare believed all the world’s a stage, but, obviously he didn’t mean that literally.

RYDER: My grandfather, Professor Duncan Ryder had a fascination with the ritual. He was the one who first told me of the holiday’s history. This will seem like a non-sequitur, but he also hated Frank Sinatra.

#a voice from darkness #audio #malcom ryder #theres no reason to tag this tbh im posting this mainly for seraf

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 years

Text

Come cringe with me - ɟ

Guys… The cringe… The cringe ��😖 I’ve been gone for less than 24 hours and I’m bombarded with news. One that made me very happy (who knows what I mean, gets me 😏 and heartfelt thanks to everyone who helped 🥰😍🤗), and others, most of which are honestly making me cringe to the core.

Point number 1.

Have you learned nothing all these years?

All the people who believe in all those accounts like T, my question is: why? No, seriously, why? Mari sent me screenshots of the list they posted that ‘should belong’ to Scooter, and where are the proofs of what they say? And I don’t mean something that can be easily faked like a Word document, or phone notes. I mean actual proofs.

So why do you fall for it? Because you’re kind-hearted? Because you still believe in Santa Claus? So if I were to write a list based on what people want to hear, would you believe it? Okay, let’s give it a try:

1° Shawmila will break up before Cinderella’s release.

2° Camila will come out as queer after the movie reviews.

3° Lauren’s album will be released in March 2021 around Camila’s birthday.

4° Camren will tell the world about their epic love story in late 2022.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Guys, come on. What else do you still need to open your eyes? Did you forget all the accounts that turned out to be impostors? I wasn’t here at the time when it happened, but Mari told me about a Lola, Lota? I don’t remember her name. But take her as an example. Or take the story about Lauren’s journal. Remember that one?

For those who don’t know, on September 16, 2016, Lauren tweeted: “So just found out my journal was thrown away in Nevada..there’s no feeling in the world to describe the desolation I feel inside my soul”. And coincidentally, a fan, who along with three of their friends found it after eight hours of searching in the dumpsters, posted a video the next day with this so-called journal belonging to LMJM. The journal was obviously a fake.

It’s easy to fake something nowadays and pass it off as proof. So please don’t be so gullible.

Point number 2.

For all those who still don’t understand how things work behind the scenes.

The music industry, even if it doesn’t seem like it, is as small as a butthole, literally. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone uses everyone. Things are planned months and even years before. Everything has a purpose. Why am I saying this? Because Roger is in touch and has connections with as many people as possible. Even more horrible people than Scotti bRice. Whether you like it or not, he needs to have these connections FOR Camila. Think about this. Camila has always been his priority since 2015. If C is where she is now, if she has and has had this success, it’s also thanks to him.

Point number 3.

As for the Shitshowmila situation and the CS who are leaving because they can no longer bear the weight of their monkey business, guys, okay, go if you really can do it no more. But I want you to think about one thing. Picture the sharks pat you on the back and walk you out the door with a huge smirk plastered on their faces. Because that’s what happens when you play their game, and my friends, although I understand that everyone is free to do and believe what they want, you make them win by leaving.

The days of Shout’s releases are approaching, it’s obvious that everything will be thrown in our face and that everything will be heavier. Because THAT’S HOW IT WORKS. You have to resist. You have to be patient. Do you think that I myself don’t get annoyed to see all that falsehood? It’s more the time that I roll my eyes than the rest.

“It’s all about her”. Yeah, sure, Chin Chin. And what about the relationship you had for two years (2014-2016) with that girl, Lauren Arendese? Didn’t you confirm that in that Q&A in 2017? Didn’t you say you had a girlfriend for two years and write songs about her that day, therefore loooong before this whole made-up comical little story? Ah, no? My bad. *And then I’m sorry but when have you ever write your songs?* And what about the example of the song you used, Treat You Better? Weren’t you together with Lauren at the time? And above all, 🎵 “The second you say you’d like me to” 🎵, didn’t you say you never had the balls to tell her you liked her and that you were going to do it when her PR with Matteush started? 2016 song, 2018 when you were supposed to confess your oh so great love. The math, the math…

There will always be holes in their narratives, guys. There will always be bullshit that they will try to inculcate in us to make us fall into their traps. With any PR. You need to resist. You must not give them any importance. You must not fall into the traps. You need to keep your eyes open. Don’t give up. And above all, don’t give up on hope.

I love you guys. Always with love, F. ❤️

P.S. I’m not 100% back yet, but I couldn’t resist after talking to Mari.

___

Thank you for the necessary wake-up call, because it was something that was not really taken into consideration. But what you're saying is true, although I really don't like the part about Scooby tied to Camila. Disgusting. I think the most basic problem here is that the anons, the fans who leave have been too bombarded by all the circus they see on social networks, because all that shit comes from there. I know, because I do my best to ignore all that mess and nothing happens to me when I ignore everything. I am aware that it is there, that the clowns behind the PR are desperate to sell showmila and do whatever it takes to win that goal, that we can disrupt. It can. Most of us don't believe that circus because we know that they started creating it in 2015 and had to stop because Camila needed to launch her solo career and they took up the circus in 2018. Since that year, there has been talk of a showmila circus on steroids and that. is what we are seeing. Nothing they do or what they say will make us change and believe that Showmila is real because the Diva was never there with Camila. Not in the sense that they want to sell because it wasn't even that way from the beginning. So at least, for those of us who believe that Showmila has been a boosted circus since 2018, nothing they do will make us believe otherwise. Lauren didn't make it with her podcast, no one will. And for the anons who want evidence, I am sorry to say that direct evidence from Camren will never have unless Lauren or Camila want to show us something. Keep in mind, folks. Artists have two lives for a reason. It's to keep your private life private and not transform it into a PR circus like Showmila. And I think we have to respect their decision. At least that's what I've decided. I love both girls too much to risk something as important to them as their privacy. And F, was Loca. That insider was called Loca.

#submission #f anon #camren

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emmy-writes-sometimes · 4 years

Text

Happiest Place on Earth

You’ve had a rough go of it recently. Your boyfriend, Chris, schemes with your boss to give you the vacation you deserve.

You couldn’t lie. Your day got a million times better when you saw Chris’s contact picture light up your phone. It was a picture you’d taken of him at the beach, smiling as he held Dodger in one arm and your old dog in the other, and it made your heart melt like anything in the Los Angeles summer sun. You picked up the phone right away, walking away from where everyone was editing.

“Hey,” Chris’s voice said brightly. “How’s my favorite girl doin’?”

“Not great,” you responded honestly. “A bunch of files got corrupted, so then we had to get different cuts, and that means re-shoots, which means more work, and…” You sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be complaining.”

“It’s okay to get frustrated. I was going to ask when you think you’ll be done this afternoon?”

“I don’t know, maybe seven? I know that ruins dinner, but…”

“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry about it. Just get home when you can, bubba, alright?” You melted again at his sweet nickname for you and sat down at your desk, flicking your Nomad Steve bobble-head that you’d gotten as a joke when you’d started dating Chris.

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that, you’re just doing your job. I’ll see you around seven-thirty, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He hung up a second later and you rolled your chair back over to the large computer where everyone was reviewing footage. You were lucky enough to get a job in Boston right after you finished working with Marvel, so while you had an amazing job editing, it took the life out of you. Computers were finicky, and you’d just lost half of what you’d done so far because someone had dropped the hard drive and corrupted everything. You were about to cry and it was barely 10 AM. But you loved it, so you stayed, despite all of the bad. You just wanted to see this video get edited, even if it took until the middle of the night.

Chris sighed as he hung up the phone on you. He could hear in your voice that you were frustrated beyond belief. An idea popped into his head and he scrolled through his phone until he found the phone number he was looking for. Your boss, Jenna, had gone to school with Chris, and he just so happened to have her number. She answered right away, and Chris explained everything. That you were completely burned out, your fifteen year-old dog had died last month, and that even though you desperately needed a vacation you weren’t going to do it yourself. So he took ten out of the twenty-five PTO days you’d saved up over the past year, since they rolled over and you hadn’t taken a vacation the last year or the six months before that when you first started. Your boss said she’d send you home at seven even if you weren’t done and she’d send an intern to take your spot for a few days, and Chris grinned to himself as he hung up.

He went directly to his computer and the website auto-filled before he even typed the entire thing in. He picked out the resort that your family used to stay at when you were kids, hoping he remembered it correctly, and he calculated how much time it would take to drive there and back because he knew you would be even angrier at him if he spent money on last-minute plane tickets. Then he got tickets, one for each park, and a whole extra day for the Star Wars park because he knew you were excited to go, and typed in his credit card. Would you be pissed? Probably. But would it be worth it when he drove through the gates and saw you smile? Definitely.

You were a little alarmed when your boss sent you home, especially with that grin on her face that meant something was going on, and you tried not to be suspicious. You got to the house to see that the SUV had moved – you’d taken Chris’s car that morning, since he wasn’t planning to go anywhere, but he must have because it was backed in close to the back gate. You stuck your hands in your coat, locking the car in your pocket, and went in the front door. Dodger greeted you like he always did, jumping up on one of your legs until he could see that you weren’t hiding a treat in your hand. You greeted him with ear scratches before deciding to look for Chris.

“Chris?” You asked. You saw him coming up the basement stairs and walked over to him. He was holding your laundry, which he usually complained about doing. “Why are you doing my laundry? Did you break something? Are you trying to butter me up?”

“Not everything is about you, sweetheart,” he said as he put the white bin down. He greeted you with a kiss that he just smiled into.

“Why are you so smiley?”

“Can’t a guy smile at his girl?”

“Nope, not you. Spill, Chris, what did you do?” He giggled, actually giggled, and took your hand. “Are you going to give me a hint?”

“Nope. I’m going to lead you to your suitcase…” He took you up the stairs and then let you go in your bedroom, where he’d already gotten your suitcase out. “… and you’re going to pack for approximately eleven days. Bring triple the underwear, because you know why, at least three swimsuits, and your Chacos, and two cute outfits, but mostly functional. We’re going to be walking a lot.”

“What?” You glared at him. He was just smiling, a shit-eating grin on his face, like he was waiting for you to figure it out. “Are you why Jenna sent me home early?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll never know. But we need to leave within the hour, and we’ll be in the car for quite a while, so download some podcasts and music for us to listen to because you’re the DJ.”

“Have I ever told you how much I hate you?”

“Yep. Every day, gorgeous.” He cupped your cheeks in his hands, kissed you, and then called Dodger’s name. “Dropping the dog off at Carly’s, I’ll be back in about, eh, half an hour? What snacks do you want?”

“Uh, the usual road trip snacks?”

“So combos, sour patch kids, and Chick-Fil-A on the way out of town?”

“Well, if you’re offering.” He rolled his eyes and left the room. You weren’t going to say no to whatever he had planned, because he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t think you would need it. So you packed everything he told you to pack, throwing in exactly what he told you to, but you went and grabbed some of his shirts to sleep in just to spite him.

You finished packing your makeup, because he hadn’t really said anything about that but you just assumed, and shoved the bag in your suitcase. You packed up your personal computer, knowing he would kill you for taking your work computer, and gathered all of your chargers. He was back in a few minutes and you loaded everything into the SUV, grabbing a pillow and your favorite fuzzy blanket like he told you to, and you changed into road trip clothes, also known as shorts and one of Chris’s sweatshirts.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” You asked as he pulled out of the house. He moved the GPS mount to the other vent, by him, so you couldn’t see.

“Nope. You’re either figuring it out on the road or when we get there. So turn your location off.”

“Whatever,” you said, showing him that you were turning your maps off. “How long are we driving? It’s almost 9.”

“We’re driving until sunrise. And then I’m checking into a hotel, we’re sleeping, and then going on.”

“Why couldn’t we fly?”

“You would’ve been even more pissed off.”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong.” You turned on your road trip playlist for about an hour before turning on the true crime podcast you and Chris liked to listen to whenever you got the chance to, which lately wasn’t very often. You fell asleep after a couple of hours and Chris turned on cruise control, since there wasn’t really anyone on the road, pressing the button to adjust it every so often. But for the most part, he was looking over at you and smiling, trying to figure out how the hell he managed to get you there.

He herded you into a hotel as the sun was coming up, and you were so tired that you didn’t even care where you were. You just passed out on the bed and Chris tucked you in, heading to shower before joining you. When you woke up you checked in on Dodger, FaceTiming him, and then he got the two of you breakfast. You decided that he had to be driving down the coast because you kept seeing signs for beach highways, and that meant you were probably going to the Outer Banks or something like that. You were curious, but you trusted Chris. He wouldn’t take you anywhere he didn’t think was worthy of ten vacation days. You ignored most of the signs, but you determined after looking at freeway signs that you were going south.

“Can I drive?” You asked, noticing that Chris was getting a little tired. He had moved his left leg a little bit and even though he’d been holding your hand for a few hours, he was getting antsy.

“Nope. But I am stopping here.” He pulled over at a rest stop for the two of you to go to the bathroom and stretch your legs a little bit, but you were back in the car first. He looked happy as he walked back. He was wearing his gray sweat pants and a t-shirt and his Red Sox hat over the mop of hair that he hadn’t brushed that day. He threw away your food trash and then walked back, noticing you were looking at him.

“What?” He asked. “If you’re going to keep looking at me like that, let me know and I’ll find another hotel.” You rolled your eyes, elbowing him. He scratched at his beard a little before moving his hand in between your thighs underneath the blanket, gripping your leg with his gigantic hand. He squeezed it three times – I love you – and then let you go so he could drive again.

You spent most of the night blasting music, mostly bad pop-punk music from your childhoods, and probably listened to most of Blink-182’s discography along with the Top Gun soundtrack and even some Disney soundtracks, before moving back to podcasts. You saw a sign that said welcome to Florida and looked over at him.

“No fucking way,” you said, suddenly catching on. He was heading toward the middle of Florida, not the coastal highway anymore, which meant you were either going to Orlando or the Keys, and the amount of hours added up to…

“You okay?” He asked, grinning. “You understand now?”

“Did you seriously steal my vacation days so we could go to Disney World?” He turned down Creep with his right hand and reached over to anchor his hand at the back of your head before leaning over to kiss your hairline.

“I did. If you’re okay with that?”

“Definitely. I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too.” It would be the second time you’d gone together, the first time being Disneyland at a Marvel event where he’d asked you to be his date. You usually just drove up to Maine or something for a couple days to relax at the beach, or there was one time when he took you to New York for the weekend to see your favorite show on Broadway.

You were eager and sitting up as you listened to the last couple of podcast episodes you’d downloaded. Chris drove into the sunrise for another few hours before you finally saw the gates of Disney and you took your phone out, taking a video for your Instagram story. Chris just smiled at the camera, making it known that this was all his doing, and he slowed down. He made you cover your ears for what resort you were staying at, but when he pulled into the Port Orleans resort you realized it was because that was where your family stayed when you were a kid and you always talked about how you loved the French Quarter section. When he led you up to the room you found out that he’d gotten a view of the lake.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” You said as you put your suitcase down.

“Nah, you don’t need to.” He handed you your magic band from the last time you’d gone together – you hadn’t really gotten a choice since Marvel had sent them to Chris, but when he realized that it Peter Pan on it, who was your favorite Disney character, he’d given it to you while he took the Mickey one.

“Yeah, I do. I love you.” You hugged him tightly and he just smiled down at you. His beard got caught in your hair and he had to un-tangle it before you could part ways.

“I love you too. We should probably take a couple showers. Since it’s the smallest I figured we’d hit Magic Kingdom today, eat dinner there, and stay for the fireworks? If you’re not too tired we can stay after hours.”

“Sounds good.” The two of you hopped in the shower together, mostly just to save time because you were both eager to get to the parks. You grabbed coffee from the shop downstairs and waited for the bus to take you there.

You spent almost the entire day there, until it was a couple of hours until dinner. You’d both chosen to get on a water ride even though you weren’t dressed for it, so you had to go back and take another shower before then. You decided to dress up a little bit, since he’d told you what restaurant you were going to, and saw him smile as he emerged from the bathroom. You went back out to eat dinner and then he dragged you over to where the fireworks would be, even though they weren’t for half an hour, trying to get the two of you a good spot. He was like a little kid. You were both sitting on one of the fountain edges, sipping at beers, and then the fireworks were starting. You finished your beers and stood up, throwing them away before making your way back to Chris. He stood behind you, guarding you, and put his arms around you from the back, squeezing you into a hug as the music started.

“Thank you,” you said to him, smiling as you turned to kiss him.

“It’s the happiest place on Earth, babe.” You laughed and started watching the fireworks. They were over way to soon and you both decided just to turn in. You were exhausted, and you nearly fell asleep on him on the bus ride back to the resort. You took your clothes off, deciding to just deal with your leftover makeup tomorrow, and watched Chris as he got ready for bed.

“What?” He asked you, looking you up and down. He finished what he was doing and walked over to you, a smile on his face, and pulled you close to him. You could smell his cologne even though he’d taken his clothes off, too. His skin still had a sweaty sheen on it from how hot it was outside, but you didn’t care.

“I’m going to say something so cheesy you’ll want to punch me in the face.” He chuckled and wrapped his arm around your waist, kissing your neck and your shoulder until they were red.

“What would that be?”

“I’m glad you’re here. You’re my happy place. Even if Disney kind of is too.” You had both known you were in it for the long haul awhile ago, but you’d never admitted that to him; that you were never as happy as you were when you were with him. No matter where you were, or what situation you were in.

“You just had to steal my spotlight, didn’t you?” He said against your skin.

“Sorry.” He squeezed your body closer, tangling your legs together.

“No. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’d do anything to make you happy. I love you so much, bubba. And I’m sorry I stole your vacation days.”

“I love you too. We’ll discuss your punishment for that when I wake up.”

“Ooh, punishment, I like the sound of that.”

“We are in Disney World, Chris, get your mind out of the gutter!” The both of you laughed against one another for another few minutes before your conversation shifted to the next day’s plans, and with a final I love you, you were both asleep.

A/N: This is literally my dream so thanks to whoever requested! I loved writing this one so much!

Taglist (if you’d like to be added, send me a message!): @an-adventureland, @firstangeldragonranch, @ssebstann, @winterreader-nowwriter

#chris evans fluff #chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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Hufflepuff and Gryffindor are just sooo similar

Submitted by ibigpersoncollection

I know, I just mentioned I’m Gryff primary a day or two ago. After I read your answer, I revisited the Sortinghatchats wordpress and their podcast. Then it dawned on me, am I actually Hufflepuff? I really am Hufflepuff.

This is not really an ask though, I do want to share something. Because I think Gryffindor and Hufflepuff primaries when they are passionate about something, they can come off very similar.

One of the main differences, I think, is how we approach people. On the surface, I’m like Gryffindor primary. I’m brash. I’m not going to put up on anything wrong because it’s simply wrong. I cut through things to realize my goals no matter what. It does sound like goal-oriented Gryffindor, but no. That’s the first time I really understand what a ‘model’ is like. I modeled Gryffindor and I found that I took it after my aunt (ISTJ 1w2 Gryff).

She had been preaching about doing and standing by the right cause, the higher sense of ‘right and wrong’ but it’s not about rules or teachings but what you can feel inside of you as right. I took it, but it felt stiff… really. You see? When you are not something you will soon feel it. I tried to be Gryffindor and lived by those ideals but at the end of the day, it’s people that really matter. There are some examples I want to share.

Well, since primary system is mainly ‘motives’ rather than the ideal itself, this will not reflect every Gryff or Puff out there. The first one is, while I thought I was Gryffindor and had an ironclad value. I rarely ever put it on someone else. My value is not even that ‘coded’, tbh. Ages ago, I argued with my aunt about death penalty. Oh, dear, she roasted. She said that criminals on deathroll is right because those people were wrong and deserve that punishment. I argued ‘but they can repent. They can come out and live as a member of society. We need every hand available and they can still be productive, if we give them a chance’. She scoffed said ‘they are wrong and that is the fact, they might repent, they might be good but how can we know? and they can’t just get off the hook like that’.

See? People versus ideal (We are both xSTJ and 1s, so no feeler-thinker dilemma here). My aunt (while she does care about people as a whole) doesn’t argue on people but on what is right and wrong. I don’t argue on right-and-wrong ground but more on society, people. It’s the same end point (what is good for society) but through different lens (people vs ideal, both intuitive rather than decided house).

Other thing is the so-called ‘even-handedness’. This example is between me and my ESFP 6w7 friend (Gryff both primary and secondary). This time we actually believe in the same thing, share the same ideal and value. But where it comes from is really different. Me and my friend both share the same ideas that people shouldn’t be marginalized. The ethnic groups and other communities shouldn’t be oppressed as second-grade citizens or having their basic rights (home, land, culture and pride of their identity) nurtured. We are both ‘disgusted’ by exploitation to indigenous people because of capitalism (look at first nations for instance). And we are both genuinely angry about how ethnic groups are not even allowed to be proud of their heritage (look at Uyghur) and racism in general. But it comes from different place and is shown out differently too. For my friend, it is … well, right to hate those things and she is deeply disgusted and hated all those things enough that she once said something along the line of ‘I can’t stand it, I want to ****ing vomit’.

I don’t have that kind of harshness. I wish I have, honestly, because I did model Gryffindor. I wish I can be as angry and heavy-handed as Gryffindors. I can’t do it because for me, even if it’s wrong, even if I’m disgusted by it to my core. They are still the same people. I will fight for ethnic groups, but I will never hate people who exploit or harm those people. Because they are human even if they are wrong. I once told my ESFP friend that she must not hate her family because they believe differently or forcing her to not believe what she believes. They just … live with different mindset that us, but they are not wrong. “So, don’t hate them, will you? If you don’t want to be with them, just leave, but don’t hate them”. She needs to learn taming her passion and sense of justice while I need to learn being angrier at the cause I believe in.

Last point is, I cannot stand leaving people in need by themselves. I cannot really find an example to contrast though but this is one hallmark of Hufflepuff. If there is a stranger in need and I can help them, I will. I tried not to (because it can look totally simpy or weird at times) but I cannot help but go out of my way to help them. Days ago, I went to university, a man approached me, asking if he could go and meet my professors because his girlfriend wants to talk about applying for master. No one was there, it was a holiday. I can just ignore him and finish my work. But I can’t do it, so I tried finding the contact info of my professors and gave the couple that. I did have deep conflict with my aunt until recently but at that time I couldn’t just leave her in pain and end up bringing her to hospital and 3 am. She needed me; I can’t ignore it.

Oh, I’m not saying Gryffindors are emotional hellions neither Hufflepuffs are angel, all of us can be evil, selfish or great depending on individual. I deeply respect their strong sense of justice and how they will go to any length for it, forsaking even their closest confidants if the situation calls for it. These are people who can change the world to be better and fairer. But I’d say, don’t try to be one, if you are not. Other houses are as good and equally awesome. We all can change the society for the better in our own way 😊. Be proud of who you are.

* I’m also Puff secondary. When ENFP mod helped point it out (and yes, I did know deep down I’m Hufflepuff). I just realize how ‘community building’ works. I broke up with my group awhile ago and suddenly found myself people who came to my aid and stayed by my side. Then my professor just helped me with my ethnic community goals. But that’s for another time.

Btw, thanks ENFP mod! And can I ask if you accept novels? I just start writing one and I’d love if I could polish (or publish…) it. I’ve read in some posts you mention reviewing writings?

Mod: Glad you found your House. Hufflepuffs seem more generally forgiving and accepting than Gryffindors, and are less likely to go against other people. They are somewhat idealistic in wanting to give everyone a chance.

As to your question, no, I don’t read / critique novels for free. I’m a paid editor. But ProWritingAid.com is an amazing tool that will really help you polish your novel and improve it once you’ve gotten it written. My advice is – write it, polish it, and then hire a good editor. Most people cannot “kill their darlings” without an enormous amount of practice and even then they can be blind to what is unnecessarily slowing down their plot.

#submission #hufflepuff #gryffindor #hogwarts houses #question #writing

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real-jaune-isms · 3 years

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RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 3 Review & Rundown

Oh boy oh boy, this sure was a heck of a time wasn’t it? Not quite as panic inducing and chaotic as last week with the Hound playing fetch with Oscar’s body, but I still felt a great deal of dread and unease as things took a turn for the negative. Hopefully I can properly explain how.

We begin on a black screen as Ruby pants and groans in a way that made me worry I had put on the wrong video. But no, she’s just winded from riding the tube up to Atlas, and we see her stagger out to see the rest of the group awaiting her. Nora is being painfully held by the ear for what she did to Weiss last episode, but she defends herself by saying it was the kind of thing you only get to do once in a lifetime so she should be happy about it. Blake is the last one to pop out of the tube, and she seems to have had a real bad time coming up. Hair a mess, a little of balance, out of breath, she has good reason to want to NEVER do this again. May asks Penny for directions through the base, though she calls her “robo-girl” when she does it which isn’t the greatest nickname. Penny does a 3D scan of the base and pulls up a map for reference, or something cool and digital to that effect, its more of a visual thing than something you can explain. She gives a rapid series of perfect directions, much to everyone but Ruby’s wide eyed amazement. Ruby is just smugly impressed that her gal pal can do this sort of cool thing. Penny also takes this chance to assert that she would much prefer being called by her actual name. Ruby gives a smug “heh” that May is getting told off, to which May scoffs. Kdin herself has commented that this was meant to only be indignation at being chided for the nickname, not any annoyance at Penny being insistent on what she is called. Personal identity is something May understands well, and she does call her Penny from that point on. So it’s nothing to go insulting or slandering May over.

May puts up her invisibility bubble, and they head off. We see them standing around in an elevator waiting to reach their floor, a very relatable bit of comedy, before taking a few hesitant steps back as it stops on an early floor and two soldiers get in. These two are outside the bubble so they can’t see our girls, but it’s still a tense situation. They get to their floor and sneak around the soldiers while they’re busy talking about how creepy Salem’s horde waiting in the air is, and Nora plays a little prank by hitting every elevator button on the way out. The soldiers are so confused and annoyed! Reaching a door with a security checkpoint, Penny pops one of her fingertips off to reveal a USB insert that she plugs into the terminal to use Pietro’s credentials without his hand print. Ruby is quite impressed by this cool new tool, as would be expected of the weapons buff. May asks which way to turn, and Penny informs them that next they will need to go directly through the central command room. There are a lot of people crowded together and walking around, and May’s Semblance is not equipped for that kind of navigation. Fortunately, we get an answer in the form of what I’d like to call the Pennydex. She explains, with a fun cartoony visual, that Ruby’s Semblance allows her to do much more than just move fast, she actually breaks down to a molecular level so her mass can be negated and she can move faster. So, as we saw briefly in episode 1 of Volumes 4 and 6 with Nora and Weiss respectively, she can do the same to other people and transport a group since the mass of a whole group wouldn’t matter if they’re all just flying molecules. TLDR: We were misinterpreting Ruby’s Semblance the whole time and she can use it to get them through the crowded room easily. And judging from Ruby’s look of shock and confusion, she’s been misinterpreting her Semblance too. Harriet did say that her power is unlike anything she’s ever seen before back in V7... Blake continues to be the funniest member of the group by pointing out how Penny knew this was possible before Ruby did, and all Ruby can do is remind her (and us) that Penny also figured out Blake’s faunus identity before Ruby had. Not exactly painting yourself in the brightest light if your only rebuttal is further proof you’re not that perceptive...

With the opening of a door we shift scenes to Ironwood explaining himself for being tardy to... whatever it is he’s doing, and blaming it on how busy today has been. Meaning he’s probably killed someone else offscreen. The only thing that pisses me off more than that idea is whom he’s talking to: Watts, working for Ironwood to try and hack Penny under threat of execution from two armed guards. Point all the guns you want, Jimbo, this WILL backfire on you in a tremendous way. As quickly illustrated in a podcast about this episode by an IT professional, it is VERY bad business to hire a malicious hacker who has made no efforts to prove his stance with your security or what he will do with his skills has changed. If you can’t understand the jargon on his screen, he will use your ignorance to stab you in the back and turn this in his favor. But it is at least fortunate for Ironwood that Watts is here, because he points out that Pietro’s credentials are in use within the compound and it’s a little uncertain if the general would have noticed that without someone there checking the system. Naturally, as the paranoid man he is, Ironwood declares a security breach and a code red lockdown, authorization to use lethal force granted. Hey, I said this was fortunate for Ironwood, not for our heroes! The girls are of course panicked and worried, Penny checking the systems to see the tubes have been sealed too so they can’t leave how they came in. May is ready to swipe an airship for them so they can bail immediately, but Penny is resolute that the mission can still be achieved. Nora gets a good idea on how to make this work, and we see May sneak into the control room while cloaked to trip a guy walking by with a cup of coffee. His mug, labeled #1 Dad Dud, flies through the air and the hot coffee spills on a coworker’s computer and lap. This poor guy Bill who just wanted to drink some good bean juice, gets screamed at by another employee while the victim of the spill runs screaming out of the room to change pants. Bill is apparently notorious for not heeding the sign they have pinned up to say no food or drinks in the control room, and while the angry guy lists off his misdemeanors Ruby swoops up the rest of her friends and zooms through the room towards their destination while everyone is occupied with Bill. There’s a theory Bill is actually Velvet’s father Will Scarletina, since according to Before the Dawn he does work in Atlas, but considering the kind of guy Bill seems to be I would kinda hope otherwise. He microwaved salmon, for Christ’s sake! Unforgiveable!

The girls, minus May who went elsewhere to get a ship for their departure, emerge from Ruby’s petal blur safe and sound... except Blake. Penny, Weiss, and Nora have all been carried by Ruby before and are used to it, but this is Blake’s first time traveling Air Rose. So while the others look very proud of a triumphant Ruby, Blake is panicked and trying to steady herself. We next see them walking along an ominous looking bridgeway to a door with an electrified field in front of it. Penny does her USB insert thing to take down the electric barrier and unlock the door, and the others ready themselves to fight whoever might be on the other side. Instead, they find an empty room with several terminal pillars, a couple chairs, and one central interface computer that Penny will be using. After the door closes, Nora notes that the electricity started up again. Penny sits down at the terminal, and after taking a moment to breath and prepare herself notifies Pietro over whatever comms they use that she’s ready to start. It’s cute that she calls him dad, reminds me that yeah they are a family. What’s much less cute is that Pietro then remotely takes control of Penny from all the way at Amity so he can use her to perform the complicated process they need to make the launch plan work. The size of her irises and pupils changes, as does the color of her irises from green to yellow. Makes me very wary of the fact that her eyes were briefly red in the intro... especially since Watts is on the job to try and hack into her. Knowing her being remotely controlled is already possible in how she is programmed is TERRIFYING. Ruby is understandably a bit confused and taken aback by Pietro’s voice coming from Penny. “Penny” starts the complicated task as Ruby watches and probably has no idea what she’s looking at, and we cut over to Nora as she looks around the room. She passes by Weiss and Blake, and Blake is the one to voice her concern for Yang’s group. Makes sense she’s so concerned, she’s an only child worried by the fact that Ruby and Yang butted heads like that. Weiss is a sister so she knows what it’s like for siblings to fight like this, she knows it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other less or are on opposite sides. They just have different ideas about what’s right. Clearly she’s drawing from her own feelings on going against Winter at the end of Volume 7. Nora also tries to reassure Blake by talking about how strong and talented Jaune and Yang are and how much Oscar has grown as a fighter. Blake and Yang both seem impressed and reassured by this appraisal, while we the audience know this is very far from the current truth, since Oscar has been stolen away and Yang was unable to protect him. But what is also noteworthy is that she said nothing about Ren. She notices her own gap in information and tries to offer something but... she has no idea what Ren is right now. She hates feeling like she’s losing him, like she has less and less of an understanding who he is than ever before despite the years they’ve spent together, and she’s unsure if she should blame him or herself for this. This time Blake is the one with sage advice pulled from her own bittersweet experiences. When you’ve been at someone’s side for as long as they have, your identities become intertwined and you can lose track of what is really you vs what is a part of them mixed in. It’s important to keep a firm grip on who you are, to be your own person outside of that other person. Clearly, this is a warning to not make the mistakes she did with Adam, for Nora to not blind herself with obsession and attachment to this partner she trusts so much. They don’t say this flat out, but we can read between the lines. It’s a very nice moment from Blake, but it only worries Nora more. She’s had Ren in her life for so long, she really doesn’t know who she is as an individual. That’s a bit sad to think about, but Weiss tries to look on the bright side and says this can be an opportunity for Nora to do some self discovery and find who Nora Valkyrie truly is on her own. All Nora can think of to define herself though... is the value of her strength and her destructive capability. That’s all people expect of her, and she is finally getting a chance to prove herself beyond that.

Before Blake or Weiss have a chance to reassure her, they hear some promising beeps from the computer and rejoin Ruby and Penny. Pietro explains through Penny that he’s cloned the imprint of Ironwood’s computer signature onto Penny, so when they run the launch sequence for Amity the system will connect to her to get clearance instead of going all the way to this terminal to get it from the General. She finally returns to being herself, and says she’ll be sure to rejoin her friends once the launch is done so she can help finish the evacuations, buuuut Pietro has a different idea. He wants her to stay on the tower with him and Maria, but Penny wants to be here and help her friends who need her. Ruby does her best to be diplomatic about this, but she has to agree with Pietro. If Ironwood was right about the tower being unreachable by Salem’s forces then it will be the safest place for the Winter Maiden powers until Salem is beaten or leaves. So maybe Penny should stay there, at least for now? Weiss agrees, while Blake tries to change the subject and say they should head to the hangar and GTFO. Penny unlocks the door while lamenting how often folks are having to do things they would rather not. Appropriately enough, the Ace Ops are waiting on the other side looking for a fight our girls would probably rather not be having. With all the authority of a neighbor at your door to ask for their vacuum back, Harriet insists they’ll be bringing Penny “home” now. RNBW are quick to draw their weapons in defense, and it becomes a verbal spar instead. Surprisingly, it’s Vine who steps up with the speech to convince Penny. And just like the General, its full of negging and gaslighting to make her think she only thought she’s been doing what’s right but really she needs to do what Ironwood says. That she’s not protecting people unless she’s getting the relic for Ironwood. Which is, of course, bullshit because 60% of the people are in Mantle and the General has expressly stated he wants to abandon them to die in favor of keeping his already well fortified 40% up in Atlas safe. Penny tries to defend herself and her position on things with Mantle, but Hare and Elm have a pretty damn backwards way of remembering the end of Volume 7 because they call Penny ungrateful and blame her for Winter being in critical condition. Let’s try to imagine how that dramatic climax would have gone without Penny being there, hm? Winter wouldn’t have been able to get through the arctic vortex Fria was creating without dying of sheer cold, Cinder would have burned through with rage or spite or just been closer when Fria finally collapsed and died. Penny saved Winter’s life twofold and delayed Cinder long enough for Ruby to come in and make the Fall Maiden panic and leave. Get bent, bootlickers...

Marrow and Harriet try to rapidfire good cop bad cop Penny into backing down and surrendering her access of the vault to them, but Ruby uses actual logic and says boosting Atlas into the sky won’t stop Salem, it will only harm more people and delay the inevitable. Or at least, she tries to but hot tempered Hare yaps at her to shut up or she’ll get arrested just like Qrow. Threatening Ruby is more than Penny is willing to allow, and she takes the clear bait to step out of the server room only for Harriet to close the door behind her and leave the other girls trapped behind solid steel and deadly electric current. Penny uses her Maiden powers and her sword array to put up a good fight, but it’s still 4 vs 1 and their teamwork starts to overwhelm her, especially when Marrow uses his trump card Semblance to immobilize her for Vine to put cuffs on her. Meanwhile Weiss tries to use her Summon Knight to break down the door and even the odds, but the electric field is too much. She and Ruby lament how unfair this is and hope Penny can last a little while, but we are seeing how poorly that goes. Nora decides she has to step up for the clutch play, repeating the only 2 things she thinks she can do. “Be strong, and hit stuff...” So she jabs Magnhild into the power source on one side of the door and starts absorbing all the electricity into her body, screaming like Goku going Super Saiyan 3. And the analogy fits, because lightning runs across her skin in cool jagged bolts of pink and her hair stands on end. With a swing and a scream, she bashes the doors in and knocks the Ace Ops back a bit before they can cuff Penny. But all things must come with a cost, and this blows through all her Aura and she passes out with a momentary glassly look in her eyes. Not only that, the pink faded but the lightning patterns are still on her skin as an extensive set of scars consistent with the Lichtenberg figure observed on people actually struck by lightning. In terms of predictions for future consequences, serious electrocution like this has been documented to result in paralysis to some limbs, brain damage or memory loss, and sometimes even blindness. I worry those last two could be possible, since she was already having a hard time determining who she was without Ren so now she might completely forget who she is altogether, or she might lose her sight completely. I don’t know if RT would dare to do that, but we do have Yang’s arm as an example of their willingness for consequences... Regardless, the heroes are now down a woman but they’re still ready to fight for their friend.

Ironwood bitches and moans about losing the chance for the odds to be stacked in his favor since he can’t win this encounter otherwise, but Watts has a new plan for the Ace Ops. Harriet doesn’t like the new orders, but Marrow is ready and willing to obey. Elm quickly swipes RWB over the edge of the walkway before they can do much to fight back against the already winded Atlesians, and by the time Ruby can scoop up her teammates with her Semblance (thank goodness she learned to do that today), the damage is done. Harriet maneuvers behind Penny and yanks one of her swords out of her back with a heart wrenching pluck of the connecting string. Like pulling off a butterfly’s wing... especially since in this world weapons are supposed to be like an extension of your soul. With the sword yoinked their job is done here and they all bail, though Marrow has a remorseful look back at the teens as if he knows he’s trapped on the wrong side. Guess we know why he agreed to this plan so quickly, it was a grab and go rather than a total takedown of their former friends. Blake is the first to point out how incredibly sus this behavior was, but they don’t have time to fully ruminate on the situation because they’ve also done what they came to do and they need to GTFO. Carrying Nora, they meet May in the hangar where her jaunty greeting is cut short by the sight of the ginger girl’s injuries. They need to get her somewhere safe, so they violently bust out through the doors. While in the open air, Penny says her goodbyes and they reveal the ship can be a convertible so she can fly away. Ruby and Penny share a tender but deep hug, and Ruby promises they’ll see each other soon. I just worry when they do it will be on opposite sides of the battlefield, and this worry is not helped by the final scene. The Ace Ops deliver Penny’s sword to a satisfied Ironwood, though Harriet would have been happier taking all of those meddling kids down. Watts cryptically implies that with a piece of Penny’s tech they can make her join them, and anyone who doesn’t trust him immediately knows by “them” he means Salem. And that’s the worrisome note we end on this week. Will next week be better? With the element of future knowledge/ the curse of this review being a week or so late I can say NOPE.

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thoughtfulpaperback · 4 years

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Charmed 02x18 Review SPOILERS!!!

Alright Y’all! Since there is no new episode of Charmed tonight I thought I would just post my review up today to make up for the lack of an episode. I’ve been saving my 10/10 for this moment!!! Honestly though 10/10. I was extremely entertained through the episode. I thought it was beautifully directed by Rupert. I thought everyone gave great performances including more sidelined characters (usually including Mel which i don’t like but since it has been a standard this season doesn’t affect my overall rating). Standard format. Likes. Dislikes. Then episode highlights.

LIKES

1. Hacy Kiss Moment

Y’all knew this was going to be the first thing I mentioned. Damn! Listen however you feel about the handling/mishandling of the Hacy story-line you can’t deny this was one of the best kiss/confession moments ever. Macy is in control. They are just soaking up the moment. The smile of realization and joy on Harry’s face when Macy just takes command and asks him to get his butt over there and dance. The slow walk towards her and their dance mimicking the jimmy x macy scenes yet showing how different in feeling they are. That laugh of joy and hugging moment at the end. Y’all!!! I can’t! Story wise, It is so nice to see macy and harry have a moment of joy. In many ways they have been put through the wringer so much in both seasons, so to get some fluff. Beautiful.

2. Maggie, Mel, and Ray

Okay so I wish this storyline would have been distributed more evenly across the season, but I don’t feel this storyline came out of nowhere and it addresses so many things that I feel were worth exploring. Firstly, Maggie’s panic attacks. I do wish we would have had hints of them earlier, but other than that I felt this made a lot of sense. Maggie and Ray mended part of their relationship, but it wasn’t until after he left that she found out he knew the whole time that he wasn’t her biological father and she seemed upset by that information, although it got sidelined because of the situation they were in. While I know people think Maggie’s storylines are always about guys. I believe it has always been about growing up and to an extent being abandoned. Season 1, Maggie dealt with her sister not trusting her or at least not always telling her everything and treating her like a child. This season especially Maggie has been openly fighting against the way she feels Mel and others infantalize her and view the way she thinks. Yes especially when it comes to relationships, but not limited to that. Stretching back to 01x17, Maggie’s greatest desire is a love that will never leave. And it isn’t just romantic love. When fighting with Mel she straight up says that demon can give her “what Dad, Parker, and Harry could never give her: a love that will never leave.” In 02x15, Jordan treats maggie like a child and then when she asks him if he really is going to leave her, he says “that’s what men do”. Which to me isn’t necessarily about romance given that the only people who have stuck around in Maggie’s life are primarily women, even harry was gone for a bit.

So you have these “conflicting” thoughts in Maggie. She is trusting, wants to see the good in people, and believes she is an adult with something to contribute. But then you also get the other part showing that, she actually fears people are exactly what they have been in the past (that is that people will leave or that they cannot change, or that in then end it doesn’t change anything for her).

So with that, she then finds out that Ray and Mel have been improving thier relationship and she doesn’t know anything about it on top of the fact she is sore about him never telling her about her parentage. In these last few episodes we’ve seen her try to take charge and be proactive in a way she hasn’t been before, which is good, but you wonder how much of that is suppression of her feelings. What is she “sacrificing” to become the “adult” she thinks she needs to be? In sum, Panic attacks made sense for her story and I thought Sarah did a brilliant job acting. Her last conversation with Ray had me in tears!

So for Mel and Ray in this, they had small roles, but Mel’s growth was amazing. For one, I really do wish there was more than like one or two references to chuchi after the first time her and her dad went on a mission together. more consistent small comments about ray sendings information of checking things out would have been nice to have more understanding of Mel expanding/healing relationship with her father. But moving on. Mel this season has taken a back seat and I hate that, but with the small character developing moments they have given us . . . I think that moment where Mel is looking in on Ray and Maggie having their conversation and walks away is the second best one this season in terms of development. Mel has admitted to always trying to be the person she thinks she needs to be. She basically said the same thing last season when she dropped out of her Master’s program. She is always trying to be this protector but at the same time wants to be able to let go of the wheel. Mel looking in probably to make sure she was okay was in character, but that moment where she nods and walks away able to realize that in this case Maggie doesn’t need her. This isn’t her “fight” or moment, and her being comfortable enough to walk away and trust that “it’s all good”. I feel old Mel would have wanted in, wanted to explain herself and defend her reasons for keeping that info on the DL, or would have stayed by the door just in case Maggie would need her at some point. But she trust both of them. Which I feel is huge! Anyways when they do little things like that which make sense I love it and just wish they had more moments like that spread out this season rather than some of the other stuff they tried.

3. Marisol, Macy, and Harry meeting

Heart broken! but I loved it. I love that Macy did get to meet her mom, especially since lots of people in the fandom complained about how unfair it was that Macy was the only one to never get to really meet her mom. I didn’t care about personally, I like a little bit of bittersweetness so I didn’t mind. This scene was all about the bitter sweetness. Marisol getting to meet and talk to macy but not actually see her. Macy having to have her memory altered to forget the meeting, but still internalize that advice. Although now I wonder if that friend Macy spoke about in season one was actually herself and her mind just making up a new person to make up for the erased memories. More likely than not she really was just super serious and restrained, but then went crazy (like many do) in college and just started to shed off that restraint then her powers came in and they had to back that up.

There is a tragedy in macy and her mothers situation. I don’t think this scene took away from that, but at the same time it added a new dimension to Marisol. Marisol definitely earned her Elder role.

I loved how Harry in that moment. He explained what he was going to do, as best as he could without freaking her out (he was told to be gentle with her), I like how he shifts strategies when he sees her flinch away. He was being as clinical as could be before that, but when she flinches in fright, he gets personal “It will be okay” “I’d never do anything to hurt you, you have my word”. his movements were slower the second time around. And although she wasn’t going to remember his name, he still took that moment to tell her what it was. it was sweet. The background music was a bit off to me at first, but other than that it was great.

4. Jordan

Every episode he is in I fall more in love with Jordan Chase. He is this seasons Harry. Harry season one was that way for me, but now it’s jordan. I love how he is open with Maggie and although she doesn’t want to hear it he tries to be as gentle as he can while explaining panic attacks. Then him with James! I love these guys together Rupert and Jordan are just so good in scenes together.

DISLIKES

1. James

This is a huge nitpick. and I don’t really dislike it...I am just wanting the writers to make up their minds. So Jimmy and Harry, supposedly make up James. Jimmy has the old memories, but harry’s were erased? I thought the mind meld was showing that Jimmy still remembered but Harry had access to those memories because they shared that link. But now, apparently, Harry with no magic and no memories of being Harry is James with James’s memories....

Okay so if harry is equally as much of James as jimmy and Harry is a product of the new experiences and memories he made, then why is jimmy necessary? Like how is it that one cannot survive the other if they seem to be equally the “old” person as before. Because that means that jimmy isn’t necessarily inherently evil or less James and his faults than harry. He is a product of his experiences and memories which are of being locked up in a bottle without a body. Like I just want some real clarification, which I assume will be given next episode, but I wish we would have had more info through out the season.

2. Julian is not that smart

@slowlyandrogynousmiracle mentioned it in her podcast, but I was also blown away by the fact Julian didn’t seem to make it make sense that there was something up with Macy and Maggie. Mijo! They literally disappeared at the same time that your testing room was broken into. Macy was down there just moments before she disappeared. Did your Aunt not tell you what happened?

Also, I still don’t know what exactly Julian’s game is. That is I was sure before that he knew, but that he probably had other plans than what we all were assuming, or that Aunt Viv has different plans than Julian. This episode didn’t clarify anything, at least to me, again I expect that the next episode will do that, but I didn’t think this Julian moment added anything new other than expose the charmed ones to him.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

1. James refusing to be held captive by a couple of “girls”. Reminding me of Harry’s first interaction with the trio.

2. James asking Macy about what she and Harry were. That cocky “what?” I might have issues.

3. Maggie’s rage and new power

4. Ray saying that it didn’t matter to him that Maggie wasn’t his bio daughter. “The truth is . . . I love you too damn much.”

5. Jordan pulling out that scalpel and saying he needs to cut that chip out of Harry.

6. That LAST SCENE

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knovesstorytelling · 3 years

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Murray Mysteries S1E3 Transcript

Episode 3. Dr Seward’s Clinical Hour

Written By May Toudic

Mina: Welcome to Murray Mysteries.

[Theme music plays.]

Mina: Hello everyone! And welcome back to the podcast. Today’s episode is something a little bit different. I promised variety, entertainment, and a healthy amount of educational content. So, we are branching out. I’m here with Dr. Jane Seward, who agreed to tell us about her job as a clinical psychiatrist and share some of her case notes with us.

Jane: Thank you for having me, Miss Murray. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Mina: Thank you for coming. I know this can’t have been the most, um, comfortable location for us. First of all, how did you end up running a whole mental health institution at such a young age?

Jane: Oh, I, I guess I got lucky. I did quite a few internships during my degree, including at the institution I currently work at. They offered me a residency after graduation and then a permanent job. The previous director left soon after that and he offered me his position.

Mina: You must’ve done an amazing job to climb the ranks so quickly. I assume junior members of the staff usually aren’t a first pick for a job like this.

Jane: I do my best, but I wasn’t any more deserving than any of my colleagues.

Mina: Okay.

[She hums in thought.]

Mina: Now, can you tell us what your job entails exactly?

Jane: Mostly administrative tasks. The day to day running of an institution like this one requires a lot of paperwork. But I do get to take on a few patients to keep my skills sharp and conduct my research.

Mina: Wha— what kind of research?

Jane: I’m generally assigned to cases that can’t easily be diagnosed with anything in the handbook. I have a patient at the moment — oh, uh, you want to play the recordings?

Mina: If you don’t mind. Listeners, the very organized Dr. Seward has agreed to share some of the voice notes she takes on the job to keep track of her cases. We’ll still be here to interject if anything needs explaining, but for now, take it away Past Doctor.

[A beep.]

Jane (recording): Right. New patient in today, and a promising case. I’ll call him R in here for confidentiality purposes. Late 50’s, impressive physical strength, very excitable with periods of depression and some fixation we haven’t managed to pinpoint yet.

[A beep.]

Jane: R has been with us for a few days now and I’ve had the chance to get to know his case better. He displays signs of a few known disorders, but his symptoms are peculiar. He’s obsessed with animals, started collecting insects he found in his room and common areas. Spiders mostly. Some flies, even a few birds. He uses a lot of his own food to keep them alive, even if we upped his portions, so we’re somewhat worried about his nutrition. Although it seems like he’s, um. Eating some of them. Escalation is a concern in this case, especially since he’s started requesting other pets. He keeps asking for a cat, which we of course had to refuse. We’ll see how the situation evolves in the coming days, but this is an interesting case. Zoophagia, some kind of fixation, I need to do more research. There must’ve been a similar case somewhere, sometime. But if this hasn’t been documented yet, this could be big. Right, to the books.

[A beep.]

Mina: That is fascinating. Do you already have a diagnosis in mind?

Jane: There are a few possibilities, but I don’t want to favour a particular one until we have more information. I’m hopeful we can diagnosis in due time. It’s easier to treat a condition when we know what we’re treating.

Mina: Um. What happens if, uh, if it isn’t a known condition?

Jane: In the unlikely case this is something new, I do research. More research, and more research on top of that. Take a lot of notes, ask for a second opinion, then a third. Then I write a very long paper, have it peer-reviewed, and submit it to many, many, many academic journals.

Mina: That sounds like a lot of work. But, it would be rewarding, right?

Jane: A new illness is quite an important discovery, yes. But the well-being of the patient comes first, and the best thing for him would be to get diagnosed and treated for something that has a precedent.

Mina: Of course. Well. Ah, this has been a great talk! I’d love for you to come back and keep us updated if that’s okay with you.

Jane: Hem, yes. Yes, why not. I, I just.

Mina: Ah. I’ll make sure Lucy’s out.

Jane: Thank you.

Mina: Well, this was clinical hour with Dr. Jane Seward. Tune in next time for an update on R’s mysterious condition.

Jane: Oh, um. Goodbye!

[Jane leaves the room.]

Mina: I hope you all enjoyed that because this week’s personal update isn’t the cheeriest. Sorry. I know, I promised you, uh. Fun and entertainment. I just—

[She sighs.]

Mina: I’m worried. Talking to you makes me feel a little less... Alone. Like I’m not just, talking into the void. The past few days have been complicated. I haven’t heard from Jonathan in a while. At first, I figured he has no reception. The place he was headed to was in the middle of nowhere, so we figured this might happen. But. I still got nervous after days without signs of life. So I reached out to the boss at his firm, Mr. Hawkins, uh, to see if he knew anything. But he told me he just received an email from Jonathan saying he was leaving his client’s place. Just one line. No time frame, no flight details. Nothing.

[She sighs again.]

Mina: It’s not like, it’s not like J, I swear it’s not. He’s usually open and communicative. First Christmas after we got together, he went home to see his family and kept texting me about every single part of his day. When he woke up, what he dreamt about, what he had for breakfast, what the weather was like, what presents he’d found for his third cousin and the food—

Mina (laughingly): Oh God, so many food pictures.

Mina: Anyway. I tried to ignore it and, uh. Just wait for him to get back. But it’s been a few days now. And no matter how I think about it, there’s no way it would take that long to get from the Romania to UK. Mr. Hawkins hasn’t heard from him either, not since that one email. I keep thinking something’s happened to him. I get this… feeling of dread every time the phone rings.

[She lets out a quiet breath.]

Mina: I would normally talk to Lucy about this, she’s great at talking me out of a crisis, but she hasn’t been herself either. She’s sleepwalking almost every night. Her mum says it used to happen when she was a kid, but definitely not that much. We agreed to keep her bedroom door locked at night. I sleep in here with her so I can keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t try and get out. But that means I keep getting woken up by her moving around and I’m not sleeping much. Lucy’s mum thinks all the sleepwalkers gravitate towards roofs and cliffs and end up falling to their deaths. So far, Lucy’s only been wandering through the house and raiding the fridge, but uh. Better safe than sorry?

Mina: She’s even more angsty than usual too. Art had to fly to the US, their dad’s not doing great, so she’s been dragging me into her schemes and making herself busy. If I have to spend one more night watching her do shots at the village pub, I might lock her in during the day. No, no I feel bad just saying it. But, come on! Even jigsaw puzzles aren’t worth all this. Especially not when she keeps getting distracted and sending Art pictures of the funny shapes.

[A pause.]

Mina: The weather’s turning, I should— I should go check on her. I promise the next update will be more fun. I’ll do cartwheels or something.

Mina (whispering): Wait, no, you can’t see me.

Mina: Um, verbal cartwheels? I’ll— I’ll do those? Ugh. I’ll talk to you next week, when I’ve had time to figure out what verbal cartwheels are and how to do them. Bye!

[Theme music begins]

Credits: Murray Mysteries is a Knoves Storytelling production. This episode was written and produced by May Toudic and featured Drew Victorie as Mina Murray and Bebhinn Tankard as Dr. Jane Seward. Original music by Sophie K. Thank you for listening.

#mm transcripts

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smallcowplant · 4 years

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[ P A R T T W O ]

my favorite thing is monsters (book one) by emil ferris 🧟‍♀️🔍🧛‍♀️

quick synopsis: adult (coming-of-age story from the perspective of a young girl, but definitely targeted at an older audience)/graphic novel. set in late 60′s chicago, the fictional graphic diary of ten year old karen reyes recounts her experiences as she tries to solve the murder of her beautiful and enigmatic upstairs neighbor, a holocaust survivor.

page count: 416

rating:★★★ (this is a hard rating for me...think 3.7-3.9....oscillating to a 4....4.2....I don’t know, man)

review: I keep doing this fun and cool thing where I buy a book without realizing it’s the first in an (unfinished) series, and then end up being cast woefully adrift by reality. that’s what I did with this one. purely based on the artwork alone, I can tell you that this book is a treat for the eyes. a lot is going on here, and there’s something so engrossing about being swept up into the chaotic pen strokes and colors. the story is an interesting one, and not entirely what you expect. the characters are all distinct and layered---really riveting people who feel near-painfully real. as the first book in a two (?) book series, it leaves off with the central (and now additional) mysteries unsolved---which leaves the reading experience feeling unfinished and kind of disjointed. I’m stuck in a bit of a confusing mid-zone with this one, where I truly....well, I can't say I enjoyed it, since this story is so much more than that? I was...fascinated? enveloped? I’ll be reading the next one, definitely.

one of us is lying by karen m. mcmanus 🥜🚓📱

quick synopsis: young adult/contemporary mystery/suspense. five students walk into detention. only four make it out alive. who did it...and who is lying?

page count: 361

rating:★★★ (firm 3.7)

review: the breakfast club....but with murder? if you’re down for that, you’ll enjoy this book! it certainly kept my attention. and MAN was this a suspenseful and super stressful read. (if you need a book that’ll make you go “wow, I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore”, this is it lol!) there’s a bunch of really interesting character studies going on in this one, and it definitely lends to a tense and involving read. the only reason the rating isn’t any higher is just that certain elements of it didn’t work...entirely...for me. that doesn’t mean that they were bad...just not what I...wanted? there’s two more books in this series, and while I’m not anxious to get my hands on them, I’m fairly sure I would read them!

murder at morrington hall: a stella and lyndy mystery by clara mckenna 🐎🍵💏

quick synopsis: adult/historical mystery. 1905. stella kendrick, a lively and confident american heiress, is tricked into an arranged marriage by her coldly ambitious father. her groom-to-be is viscount “lyndy” lyndhurst, who is both roughish and financially strapped. despite this rough beginning, they find themselves oddly drawn to each other. could they actually be a good match? however, all courtship is set aside when the pair discover the vicar who was to marry them----dead in the library. now they must work together to solve the crime and find the culprit.

page count: 304

rating: ★★

review: ugh, it pains me to say, as I thought I was signing myself up for a fun turn-of-the-century murder mystery/romance...but this was just...meh. a meh story. I feel like it had potential to be an enjoyable, soapy romp with a dash of sensuality...but it was none of those things? (basically, I wanted a self-indulgent and delicious slice of chocolate cake...but I ended up with a week-old raisin muffin.) it didn't help that I had some issues with certain things the writer included. in particular, I REALLY didn’t like the equating of fat = mean/ugly and the repeated use of the word “bulbous” to describe certain characters noses----I had to do a quick google search to see what the hell the author was talking about. still not sure if she was trying to imply that the characters had rhinophyma/rosacea or just that they had bigger, “ugly” noses, but neither is good lmao. whenever you put a “plain/regular-degular person” with a big nose up against your array of stock White People™ characters with thin noses and angular faces, AND make those “plain” characters play the “wow, I’m so ugly but these characters are so pretty oh woe is me” bullshit in their inner monologue, I’m dipping. I’ve collected my paycheck, clocked out, left the building. (your story is already about a bunch of rich, straight, white people in 1905...I’m already skeptical, don’t test me. jk, but also not.) I’m fairly sure this would have caused a decent amount of people to DNF this book, but I’m a stubborn little bitch, and if I paid actual money for the hardcover copy at goddamn Barnes and Noble, I’m reading it. this is all to say that....if I’m being thrown out of enjoying your soapy historical murder mystery to gripe about random shit, there’s a problem. other than that? carpet was described a lot, the twist was decent, the romance was okay (no smut---or anything even vaguely close to romantic/sexual tension---and the kisses were not described at all, so I have no clue if either of them do more than press their lips together while admiring each others pale necks, but whatever), and the setting was the most interesting thing about this book (a crumbling english estate in the countryside?? sign me tf up). I won’t be reading anything more in this series, but that cover is pretty cool isn’t it? (I don’t know that the vase had anything to do with the story I read, but it does look really neat.) sidenote: hate to be a smarmy asshole, as I know full well how much work goes into writing, and I’m in no way trying to shame the author...this book just didn’t do it for me.

wilder girls by rory power 🌳🦷🥀

quick synopsis: young adult/horror/mystery. on an isolated island off the coast of maine, raxter school for girls is under quarantine. a mysterious disease has wracked the island, leaving teachers dead, students twisted and changed, and the woods that surround it dangerous and wild. while the disease consumes the island, the girls wait---for help, for the cure that was promised to them. but when hetty’s best friend disappears, she must venture out of the safety of the school, past the gate that separates them from the woods---and what she finds will change everything.

page count: 363

rating: ★★★★★

review: powerful, blistering, and utterly terrifying. that’s what immediately comes to mind when thinking about this book. I read it in a breakneck pace, devouring the whole thing in a feverish five? hour haze. once it was over, I sat bleary-eyed, the air around me feeling different than before, my hands tense and my stomach jumping. “you were a good one.” I said softly, kissing the spine. so yeah, it’s good. it’s very good. heartbreaking and awful and shockingly beautiful. this one hurts. I felt this one in my bones, in my soul. read it.

lovely war by julie berry 🌷💥💞

quick synopsis: young adult (but the youngest character is 18...so I think this could comfortably slot into adult)/historical (with a touch of fantasy). the intersecting stories of hazel, james, aubrey, and colette: a classical pianist from london, a british would-be-architect-turned-soldier, a harlem-born ragtime genius in the u.s. army, and a belgian orphan with a gorgeous voice and a devastating past----told by the goddess aphrodite, who must spin the tale or face judgment on mount olympus.

page count: 468

rating: ★★★★★

review: do you know how many times I CRIED while reading this book? because I certainly don’t! I lost track, as there are simply too many painful and beautiful things contained in this book. heart-wrenching, sumptuous and intoxicating, vivid in the best and worst ways, sharp and soft at the same time. I met my boyfriend while he was still active-duty military, so the wartime/seperation themes hit me very personally....but even without that, this book is excellent. expertly weaving together mythology and history in one gripping piece of art, it left me with a wistful smile on my face and a faint ache in my heart. it’s good. very good.

we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🏡💀🐱

quick synopsis: young adult? adult? who knows!/mystery/horror. mary katherine blackwood is eighteen years old and lives with her sister constance. she has often thought that with any luck at all she would have been born a werewolf, because the two middle fingers on both of her hands are the same length, but she has had to be content with what she has. she dislikes washing herself, and dogs, and noise. she likes her sister constance, and richard plantagenet, and amanita phalloides, the death-cup mushroom. everyone else in her family is dead.

page count: 146

rating: ★★★★ (4.5/4.6!)

review: delightfully creepy and utterly odd, with a full cast of extremely unlikable characters and one of the strangest protagonists I’ve ever read. at NO TIME did I have any idea where the story was going, which lead to an completely bizarre (but fun!) reading experience. twilight-zonian/gothic...but better. very eager to read more of shirley jackson’s catalogue, because that lady sure knew how to weave a tale. very glad I read this one.

sadie by courtney summers 📻👥🎙

quick synopsis: young adult (mc is nineteen, and imo I feel like this slides into adult tbh)/contemporary/true crime. told from the alternating perspectives of nineteen-year-old sadie, who runs away from home to find her younger sister’s killer, and a true crime podcast exploring sadie’s disappearance.

page count: 308

rating: ★★★

review: sad, awful, raw. that’s this book, simultaneously bright red and angry and deep blue, sadness upon sadness. this book reminds me of every true crime documentary I’ve ever watched---how it wraps itself up in a depressingly soft way, all the emptiness left behind and everything forever-changed. gives me the same icky voyeuristic feeling consuming any true crime content always leaves with me---this peculiar feeling of peering in to others heartbreak, of their horrors. this is a hard book. it’s difficult and not easy to stomach---and it never lets up. know that before you go in. what you may expect/want is NOT what you’ll get. and that’s the trueness of this book. I have my own personal feelings regarding the story, thus the three star rating, but that’s on ME. this book is incredibly well-written and insanely gripping. I finished it the same night I started reading it. if you want a gritty, intense read set in the very bleak reality of our world, this is your book.

FEBRUARY

BOOKS READ: 14

PAGES READ: 4225

# OF 2020 BOOKS READ SO FAR: 17/50

in reflection: my goal for this month was to read ten books, and I did that ...plus four more! so I’m pretty proud of myself, lol! there were a lot of stellar reads this month, and I had so much fun discovering them all! definitely a TON of new favorites to add to my bookshelf! :^)

disclaimer: all fourteen of the books I read this month include/focus on potentially triggering content, although they do fluctuate on the scale of intensity and subject matter. my wrap-up reviews do not contain spoilers/a comprehensive list of potential triggers. I urge everyone to do their own research regarding the content of these books if you’re interested in reading them, and I’m always available for questions. my reviews are just that, reviews, and books that work for me may not work for you (and vice versa).

#sam's 50 books of 2020 #nonsims #sam speaks #body horror cw #for wilder girls cover #and for wilder girls in general lol

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