#i thought abt posting this in my vent blog but i believe this is long enough for someone to care

[antiradqueer]

this is gonna be a v long story srry abt that, and it’s free to post!

so im anti-rq obviously, but at one point i was almost roped into the community. a couple years ago i joined this system, d/a, and kin server looking for online friends. i quickly joined them and got close with them and was taken into the main group. i got really close with the owner, who we’ll call A, and mods. after a couple months there all of them had convinced me i had d/a’s and i was a system. the d/a thing is completely wrong, i was just kinning characters or a fictive (i do believe myself to actually be a system, but they really shouldn’t have convinced me of it so quickly). over time i got invited to A’s personal server and got to be really close with them. eventually a couple of mine and A’s alters started dating and one thing led to another. now I know none of this seems rq so far but we’re getting there now. so A and V, one of my alters, started dating one day and that’s when it starts to get bad. one day, A started venting about how they thought they had BIID (not a problem at all) and they said they supported everyone who was trans-id, and they thought that if they were transdisability they probably just had BIID and didn’t know it (fully disagree bc what) and that they didn’t have problems with other transids. (things get super fuzzy here cause I wasn’t in front much but I got the run down from V) basically one day A expressed that they were a zoo. a pro-c zoo. and tried to convince V to get involved as well. V didn’t like it at first but was obsessed with A and didn’t want to lose them (i do literally mean obsessed, like unhealthily so) so they went along with it and agreed to do what A wanted (A wasn’t partial to much besides that they were V’s fp so there wasn’t any malicious intent afaik). V has allowed me to say that they recognize that they’re also a zoo, but very anti-c so they were deeply uncomfortable with everything done (they did perpetuate and encourage it a bit, they admit). after a while V started looking into being pro-para and pro transid bc they wanted the love and understanding that the community claimed to give off, and that almost got us roped into the rq community. they quickly realized that the entire thing was gross though, and didn’t want to engage with it. they quickly cut off that system and the entire server, and deleted discord entirely for a while. someone took over as host for a long time and we separated from the system community entirely for a while. we’ve since come back on the outskirts, but this entire thing just made us look inward and realize what we like and dislike and are comfortable with. it was good in the end, but we almost became rq in the process which was scary

again srry that was so long i just felt like sharing. also wanna add that i think what your blog does and offers is really impressive and nice and i love everything abt it /p

quite the story /gen, thanks anon

#anti radqueer #anti transid #anti transabled #anti transx

[mmollymercury]

For the ask game: 💚💚💚

44. How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful?

67. What’s the worst thing a person can be?

93. Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them?

OoOooOOO here we go!

Prepare for a long post with some venting sprinkled in

Okay, first: do I lie? Not much. I know a lot of people say that but I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I don't lie often; I used to have a big problem with making stuff up about my life as a way to mask and fit in with neurotypicals. I was never my true self with my friends, out of fear of being shamed or bullied. I mostly stayed on tumblr back then (way more than now, if u can believe it) still had this blog, just a 'beta' version of it lol and I was in soooo many fandoms, I didn't interact with ppl tho, I'd be scrolling through fanfic and art all day, reblogging stuff and posting art that got literally ZERO notes lol, daydreaming about living in my hyperfixations and venting to a brick wall (essentially) about what I now know to be OCD. When I was revamping this blog, deleting all my old posts, I found that vent post I made all those years ago, I took a screenshot of it just to keep. It was so insane to see how far I've come but also sad to remember how I was feeling back then.

I actually cried thinking abt how I'd never be able to be my full self around someone and that I'd never have a genuine friend who I could laugh with and feel comfortable with. Whenever friends wanted to hang out or call me, I'd be nervous all day thinking about it, dreading it, basically. It was bad. But then I met @valentineee and she's honestly the first true friend I've ever had, she's my wife and I love her with all my heart‼️‼️‼️😭😭💗💗💗

So, since I met Valentine, I've finally become comfortable being who I am and I vowed to stop lying. Obviously sometimes it's inevitable, like if you have to do it because of circumstances- but other than that, I think I'm very truthful! And I'm really proud of myself for it💗

That kinda branches off to the sub-question, is all lying inherently bad? I don't think so because some people may have genuine, mental blocks or traumas that can make them feel like they need to to protect themselves. However, there are people out there who lie and take advantage of people just because they can, which is different. Overall, I think lying isn't too bad unless you are generally a trustworthy person💖

What's the worst thing a person can be?

A LIAR- no just kidding lol😭😭

Wow glitter... way to hit me with the heavy questions😭

Imo, the worst thing a person can be is immoral, inconsiderate, hurtful and evil, all on purpose. If someone does these things because they find it fun to see people suffer, that's the worst kind of person to me.

💤💤💫💫💫Dreamss💫💫💫💤💤

I used to draw meaning from my dreams to an unhealthy degree. All of you that have OCD would know that intrusions invade your dreams, I had awful dreams like this and every time I woke up, I'd be convinced I was actually a monster, dreaming of disgusting stuff. But that's not true, I was only dreaming about it because I spent EVERY. WAKING. MOMENT thinking about my intrusive thoughts, literally, I was inconsolable, I was constantly rocking back and forth or pacing or shaking my leg, every so often I'd scream and yell and twitch and my face would be pulled down in this awful grimace. It was painful, I literally can't believe I survived that. I couldn't be left alone because I was so scared and I had to sleep with my mam because the thoughts got worse when I was alone. I'm medicated now, so things are good. Intrusive thoughts will always be there but I've gotten so much better at trusting that I'm a good person🥰

Mkay... went on a whole ass vent there and bared my soul, oops-

Point being, I don’t really assign meaning to my dreams, if people do, I'm completely alright with it. I choose not to because of trauma. Also, I dont think it’s really possible to assign a definitive meaning to something as fleeting as a dream (wow am I a poet-) like, I do find it cool that a lot of ppl will dream of the same thing but I think that's just another thing that connects us, we're all human and have similar anxieties and fears.

I think I've written enough now😳😳 sorry for the angst urrrr

💗💗💗

#ask game #tw ocd #tw depression #ask #thank you💗💗💗

[prncples]

i used to write so recklessly openly on my main blogs as a sort of self-taught journaling exercise, one where i really clung to the feeling that my posts were simultaneously accessible and yet unseen? like, the kinds of posts i know ppl wouldn't usually respond to and that i made with such frequency that i felt it was important to my comfort that no one much was reading them but that they were there bc i had written them and said them out loud in my way of talking out loud

it was like feeling i had things to say and no one specific i wanted to say them to, not out of avoiding people but because sometimes thoughts are just my brain never stopping and it doesn't usually feel like a necessity to seek out a social connection to release it. but i'd also just feel that need to just say something and i loved to let myself act on it and at the time, i knew i'd come to cringe now about it, but at the time, it just made sense in the moment and i knew i'd also like to have that!

and now that i periodically come back to browse my feed and save dozens of things to drafts for the next burst of energy i get to queue things up, i really enjoy getting to read the short little posts people write up for themselves on their blogs... perhaps i am a silly little internet voyeur, but i do think my favorite experience is when i find a point where someone writes short frequent posts, like, 3 to 6 lines long on average and abt 50% of the blog is just their own days or thoughts or problems or venting and then the other 50% is lovely content that also reflects them in it a little

now i wonder, are the feelings i get over reading the words and records of those absolute strangers at all related to whatever does happen or has happened with these posts? :o i remember when iris used to be the sole interaction on so many of those, or the comfort of the blank notes section...!

i think i write continuing with that feeling, which was how it was back in high school and never felt like it shifted significantly, even though i am godawful at interacting again :'^)

i've been quite decent at keeping up a very barebones but relatively consistent written journal for the last 2 and a half years, which has actually been very fun :] but i'm starting to fall off the wagon again and i think it's bc i want to delve back into these posts, which i honestly don't really encounter equivalents of in the wild!! which is why i guess i'm thinking abt them again! i see lots of short posts semi-frequent update types, but what about the long and aimless 6 paragraph addressed to no one talking about nothing kind of post? maybe i'd have to look harder, but i just don't think i will for now is all 0:

i will probably try to come up with a tag, bc i have always enjoyed the option to archive the thoughts i'm going through, but a part of me also anxiously relies on this feeling that i could create a marker that other ppl could mute too, even though i also feel like i couldn't imagine posting without the read more squiggly at the top. that's the soft barrier, but back when the read more used to break when posting, i just wanted to believe in people choosing to have those text post tags muted for their own sanity

#can't remember my own text post tag :^( #time to make a new one! but idk what to pick D:

[timextoxhajima]

hihi! i was scrolling through your blog to read your fics and look at your other posts when i came across that ask where an anon did an analysis of your fic hostis. i’m just asking out of genuine curiosity (i hope this doesn’t come across offensive in any way but this has baffled me for quite some time!!), but how exactly should readers interact with fanfics?

probably every other month i’ll see a post by different writers about the lack of interaction from readers which really frustrates them (which i understand!) and they usually say that it doesn’t take that long to like, reblog, give a comment etc. i’m more of the passive type so i will like the fic post or share them with friends who like the same groups to read. i don’t usually comment, but i see people who do leave comments and hype up other writers who are their mutuals/friends. these comments are always positive and encouraging, but do writers ever want constructive criticism like what that anon commented? i mean it’s not like school or uni where you submit work to be marked, but when writers ask for interaction do they only want the positive, hype-me-up kind of comment? sometimes when i read a fic and i think “oh, maybe it could’ve been better if they developed this a bit more” or “it feels like it’s lacking a bit” or something like that, i just move on from it and read other fics. but for these writers who want interaction from their readers, would they actually want readers to voice out thoughts like this?

sorry for the long post ahaha i’ve just been wondering about this for a long long time and reading that anon’s detailed analysis and breakdown about what they thought could be improved really got me thinking about this as a long time fic reader. thank you ^^

HIHI no worries abt it being offensive or whatsoever!! You brought up quite a few points in this so bear with me yeah?

How should readers interact with fics?

Firstly, i'd like to put out a disclaimer that some writers might not agree with. The fact that writers post their work on an online platform accessible to everybody means that it will always be open to criticism, whether they like it or not. No, i'm not saying that it's okay to be rude or trash someone's work, i'm saying it in the context that readers will always be allowed to provide feedback/reactions. If you put a product out on a shelf for sale, you can't stop a customer from complaining about it if they purchase it and, in their opinion, finds it defective or inadequate.

You cannot stop a reader from having opinions.

It's the same for movies, music, choreography.

Secondly, however the reader wants to react (be it passive or active) is completely up to you! Personally, as long as i know someone's following my work, even if it's just 1 person, i'll be happy. My work isn't FAMOUS per se and it's just an outlet for me to vent or relax. Of course there'll be writers who want people to provide constructive feedback, and that's fine. Writers who actually want the constructive feedback WILL take it, i promise you. It will stick, even if they don't act on it, and if they agree with it, they will change according to the feedback. After i got that super long analysis from hostis, i started breaking up my sentences, especially in grounded. I started making sure my sentences were shorter, easier to understand. Might not have been 100% what the anon told me to improve on, but it stuck. For me, i write in school and it's being graded. Thus, writing here is in fact, a platform for me to practise. So of course, (though i admit i get salty sometimes when people tell me otherwise) i try to improve whenever people tell me there is something for me to improve on. It's normal human nature to feel angry or upset when people give CONSTRUCTIVE feedback bec sometimes it does feel like it's going against you.

Writers who want to improve will always appreciate constructive feedback, even if they feel salty or dissatisfied with it.

Of course, sometimes constructive feedback comes in the idea of questions. Whenever i write, i ask myself like- why does this character act like this or why did this happen- in case a reader has questions about maybe something lacking etc. (Also honestly because sometimes fanfiction is meant to cater to only the main characters, and side characters just aren't needed to be fully developed.)

Sometimes, the writers have their reasons for not developing a certain part of the story, a character, or simply- they didn't think about it, and that's fine. That's where they get to think about it too.

I always thought it was fun to discuss a story's plot with the writer, same way some people are super into trivia or like, backstories. It's like bonus features when you watch a director's cut of a film or like an easter egg, which you'll only realise when the director/writer himself shares it with you.

A writer will always be more than happy to discuss their story with you, whether or not the points of discussion are similar or different.

Keeping in mind, writers on this platform come from different countries, this means different styles of learning. Styles of writing differs from person to person. V, who wrote 17.5 of hostis, is also singaporean but her writing style is more poetic than mine. The anon who gave me that super long feedback on my writing with longass sentences and expression errors is a law student (who, i assume are more accustomed to writing short, accurate, and MUST BE grammatically correct sentences). Which is totally fine!

What you may perceive from reading a sentence may be different from what someone else perceives. When i write, i NEED to see the scenes in my head first because i'm a more visual person and i do videography and film production in school, so if i dont see it, i can't write it. sometimes it backfires and i end up stuffing like 2894 details into 1 sentence, killing the grammar and expression, which is what that anon pointed out to me.

Perception varies, so learn to understand that what the writer writes could be because they simply have trouble expressing what they see/visualise.

And that's fine. Nobody is ever perfect with writing, nobody's gna ever develop all their characters well enough to the readers' liking. If a story had 8 characters and each character had a fan, BUT the plot is meant to only focus on 3, then you cannot expect the writer to develop the other 5 just because their fans want them too. It's just not plausible, especially if the plot revolves around the 3.

Wow this was super long, i hope this gave you some valuable insight as to how a reader can interact with a writer. There's definitely no harm as to giving the writer feedback, even if its bad! Phrase it nicely of course - trashing the writer's work definitely isn't going to do anybody good. Writer's probably gna hate the reader while she/he feels shitty abt themselves and the reader doesn't gain anything in return.

THANK YOU for bothering to send this in!!! I absolutely LOVED talking about this because ive always thought that readers just wanted some fanfiction to read but now youve proven me wrong and i definitely do believe some readers look much deeper into a plot or a piece of work than just smut and fluff.

🥺💕 thanks loveee

[reddish-light]

tagged by @umibekafka; ty buddy I love you this was fun to do

1. Why did you choose your url?

To match all my gamer tag stuff across a lot of different sites. It actually came from a friend I played Dead by Daylight with and they were a killer and I was a survivor they had just downed. I think they said something along the lines of me being a slug in a puddle of reddish light and I thought it sounded cool so I took it. Now I use it everywhere I don't want my name attached and I use another name for people I know irl primarily.

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them name them and why you have them.

One blog that won't be named because it's my most popular blog full of angry venting stuff / poetry that resonates with similarly angry people that need to vent.

@lilred-fighting-hood for the Achievement Hunter fandom although I'm no longer part of, but I still reblog posts for the people that do follow that blog because I hope it brings them joy.

@lumos-nyx for my aesthetic blog. Lots of purple and space stuff, though recently it's been flowers.

@icecourt-crows for the Six of Crows fandom! Used to post my writing but I kinda fell out of SOC for now (just wait until I watch the Netflix series though.)

@snxwflakeheart for an old RP thing that I couldn't figure out because I am not good at RP lmao.

3. How long have you’ve been on tumblr?

2012/2013 I believe. Oh wow it's been nearly a decade (using decade puts things in perspective, huh).

4. Do you have a queue tag?

No; I'm sorry. I reblog everything when I am online and the only reprieve my followers get is when I am not online. I don't want to sully their dashboards when I'm not even there to watch.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

I believe it was for H/etalia? Migrated from Quotev because I heard there was better fanart and fanfiction here.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

It's a Picrew I did for Halloween and it feeds into so many of my interests (tits out, hearts, heart eyes, dark red, how I see myself in my head or how I'd like to portray myself to others).

7. Why did you choose your header?

I don't have one and that's because I couldn't find one I liked.

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

I don't know how to check that and I am too lazy to find out; I'm sorry ask game :(

9. How many mutuals do you have?

"I don't know how to check that and I am too lazy to find out; I'm sorry ask game :(" PART 2

10. How many followers do you have?

613! Hello everyone that follows me (or followed me by mistake lmao).

11. How many people do you follow?

779 people! I pruned it recently so it's not as high as it was a month ago.

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I haven't because I rarely personal post on this blog (aside from tag games like this).

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

Daily and sometimes I catch myself getting bored of Tumblr, so I open Tumblr in another tab without realizing it :|

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

Not on this blog, but I have like once or twice maybe? I "won" both times, but there is no "winning" in tumblr drama.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I really dislike them because of the guilt tripping, but if the information is important to me, then I would reblog it. It would probably be better practice to reblog it from the last most relevant RB to avoid the guilt tripping, but alas.

16. Do you like tag games?

Tag games are fun! Too bad I don't notice I get tagged until much later because I don't check the activity tag lmao.

17. Do you like ask games?

They're fun to do on occasion; I don't like doing them on this blog though because the reach isn't as wide as my more popular side blog. At times, I thrive off the attention. At other times, please do not acknowledge my existence. And also, if one of the people I follow does an ask game, I send them something because I hope it'll brighten their day!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

A few of them! I know for sure that @vorpaldick is popular bc they did the JFK post and are generally witty, eloquent, and hot. Similarily, @exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear is also intelligent and well-spoken and has very in-depth knowledge on theater-related stuff!

19. Do I have a crush on a mutual?

Yeah and they know who they are; I even have a specific tag for them when I find posts that remind me of them.

20. Tags?

Anyone who wants to do it tbh! Just tag me if you're embarrassed abt wanting to do it unprompted :)

#ask game

[ryollie]

update post, gonna put under a read more. its gonna be rambly and honest abt how i feel on certain things, why i’ve been gone and what im gonna do from now on etc. tw for mental illness !

i’ve been inactive for a month, almost 2 i think? its kind of painful to evaluate everything to be honest. i’ve had my blog for half a year. i really loved and had fun in the hphm fandom and ive met great people. people come and go, and im alright with that. when i first joined, i never expected so many people would enjoy ollie, my first ever mc. i was just so so happy and wanted to draw and share more of my oc stories and creations with everybody. as time gone on, i started feeling isolated, and slowly started getting more hate for various reasons and i felt very overwhelmed. 

i’ve always tried my best to be kind to everybody and understand things from different perspectives but i realise that there are some people you can just never see eye to eye with no matter how hard u try. my mistake was trying too hard to get along with everybody. it rlly sucks when you find leaked convos of ppl you thought u were friends with insulting you, ppl you drew for and thought you had fun with talking smack behind ur back. its alright to not like me or my content ! i just dont see why ppl would interact positively with me and act a different way once my back is turned. i think its pretty...ugly, to be honest. if u rlly had an issue with me, dm me and lets talk it out civilly. i dont shy away from an honest conversation; if i truly did anything wrong i will admit to my mistakes, apologize and hopefully change for the better. we are all human, its normal to fuck up and theres always room for change.

its easy to say just ignore the hate and move on, and believe me thats exactly what i tried to do. it was really uncomfortable and i felt like i was just putting on a mask to remain positive, sociable and welcoming to everybody i interacted with. i did that for 3 months and overtime, it just crumbled. i felt really paranoid everytime i had an interaction, because i saw so much negativity about me that i wish i did not that i started to doubt every interaction i had. i didnt know if someone was pretending to be kind to me, i started to think what if they had heard bad things about me from others and were judging me etc, its a lot to handle. im a paranoid scizophrenic and feelings of paranoia manifest into auditory hallucinations for me. these feelings arent just a bad gut feeling. i hear people talking about me and how theyre going to hurt me because they hate me etc. its honestly really exhausting and its hard to tell whats real and fake and it makes me disassociate.

people believe what they want to believe. there’s always two sides to a story. i’m tired of being painted as somebody bad because of petty gossip, i’m tired of always needing to defend myself. once you’re on someone’s bad side, you’re judged and nitpicked for every single minor detail. its awful. if others vent, its alright because everyone has their problems and deserve to be heard! if i vent, its me being whiny and playing a victim card. people can easily twist your words to suit their narrative. words can hurt like a bitch, you know. i wish more people realised there’s weight in their words. 

and to address this if its unclear; i’m no longer in a relationship and i ended it myself. i just dont feel like im in a good place mentally to sustain a rs for a very, very long time. i would also appreciate it if people can stop associating me with my previous partner. i do not want anything to do with them. i wont disclose any details out of respect but please respect how i feel on this.

to sum up i’m sorry if i’ve ever hurt anybody. i’m just tired of the negativity and the indirects. people who know me, know me. i always try to be kind but i have my limits too. i disappeared for two months because i couldnt cope with it, but I'm willing to try again. i’ll be very cautious with who i interact from now on, and i hope you can understand why. im just protecting myself. i want to have fun drawing and creating content for me and my friends and not for the sake of others, as it should have been from the very start. i just want to have fun again and to slowly learn to trust people. thank you if you read this to the very end, it was just an honest and long ramble of how i’ve been feeling. i hope i can share more of ollie and my other ocs with everybody and that with time, i can let go of the painful things i’ve experienced before. 

#personal

[joeyclaire]

tagged by @spinalgirl thank u for the tag :O!!!

why did you choose your url?

god i don't even remember it was so long ago.. probably just because it wasnt taken..

2. any sideblogs?

i have a taz blog, an old vent blog, a secret newer vent blog, a taz amnesty rp blog, a few really really old fandom sideblogs, my ********** blog, and a couple saved urls

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

bout like 3 years

4. do you have a queue tag?

ya it's #q but i recently changed it to #i love queue

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

god i dont know.. i always thought tumblr was cool n funny when i was like 12 and in my supernatural phase

6. why did you choose your icon?

lesbian joey claire is vry important to me. and its pride month

7. why did you choose your header?

my strawberry cow pillow pet is my pride and joy

8. what's your post with the most notes?

the one abt snapping a man in half

9. how many mutuals do you have?

goddamn i dont know. a lot

10. how many followers do you have?

1,169 (nice)

11. how many people are you following?

1,380 i like having a lot of new posts to see when i refresh :)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

everything tagged #chit chats should be taken as a joke. i have never said anything i genuinely meant or believed in.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

A LOT LMAO i have a problem

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i think i did on my taz blog but i dont remember much

15. how do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

kind of annoyed but rly just indifferent. i just scroll past em

16. do you like tag games?

ya theyre fun

17. do you like ask games?

yess i like talking abt myself

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

prolly @madejsbian my beloved <3

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah

im tagging @grungebimbo @whowearsthecatears and @thelaumeinthedew as always! if anyone else wants to do it they can and just say i tagged you

#tagged #chit chats #thanks knives that was fun!!

[minblush]

Who’s your fav girl group these days?

red velvet, oh my girl, warming up to loona as well :3 though my fav songs lately are by soloists, sunmi ♥ chungha ♥ yuri ♥

Anonymous said:Idk if you saw the video on youtube from anmiangel about jimin’s weightloss/self esteem but it made me so mad because it was full of assumptions and everyone in the comments was taking it as fact. Like I think most fans know that jimin struggles with confidence and his perception of himself but seeing that video was just… idk how to describe it. Sorry I just felt like i needed to vent

no i haven’t seen it and i am not planning on seeing it either, i talked about this before where people sensationalized jimin’s death treats and him fainting etc, people on youtube are only interested in views and basically throw up unsourced fake news into the world, with a dash of their on fanfic thrown in. like the only thing you can do about these is not watch them and urge other people not to watch them either, not to believe them etc, youtube fanbase is its own gullible entity so don’t worry about comments too much, ykwim? these videos are like if edgy stans on twitter were to be taken seriously. i dislike these analyses videos cause i believe there are some boundaries that should be kept, it’s okay to talk about it to some extent if the artist talks about it first, but still.. boundaries. i’m sorry you had to see a video like that tbh /hugs

Anonymous said:Are you a vegan zuzu?

nope, tbh i was a vegetarian for a few years when i was younger but not anymore

Anonymous said:Sorry im a shy anon~May i ask what do you mean by saying next album will be a turning point for u as a fan?Does it mean u’ll abandon them if it’s not up to a certain standard?Sorry if im being nosy and it’s ok if u dont wanna answer it^^Have a lovely day!

i don’t mind answering it, you’re not being nosy ;; i wouldn’t say abandoning them is the right word cause that implies i’m doing something wrong and that the boys would be hurt by it, which you know.. they wouldn’t. it’s also not about the album being to some arbitrary standard… 

but basically yeah, i have been in the process of like giving them a second chance since the last album. cause idk if you were following me then, but i was let down by spring day too, like i love it now but back then i was taken aback by its obvious attempt to appeal to what korean public likes (which worked) and the media play around it, plus i still think that song was mixed horribly and i prefer the live versions :x 

but the last album was really like… it’s not just that i thought it was bad music, shallow, that the boys didn’t work on it as much, that it was about something i didn’t care for, cause i could get past that? i’ve been into kpop for 9 years so i wouldn’t get far if i dropped groups because of one weak album.

but it’s because… like that is related to my personal live story, but what the boys stood for and talked about was incredibly relatable to me and gave me a lot of strength, i had a real pretty much tangible connection to their music and to them and what they stood for as a group, but with HER.. and also the drama videos preceding it, to me it tainted the legacy of HYYH first, which hurt because i got so attached to it, because like.. that stuff pretty much saved my life back then… and the album was just… it wasn’t them, so i felt disconnect between the music and the boys and what more… it wasn’t me? which is just personal i know, but it wasn’t just that i didn’t like it, it also… hurt me.. the lyrics, the messages, i was hurt… while other people loved it, i was crying because i was so shocked and hurt by the new direction they were going… not to mention the walls that have been building between the fans and them, with bighit trying so hard to make everything as controlled and paid for as possible

so while i would complain and grumble over bad music, i would stay? it’s more that i wouldn’t be able to support them as a GROUP if they kept making music i can’t relate to, that is too disconnected from my own experiences, and mostly music that i find hurtful, music that instead of helping me from anxiety actually pushes me towards it… even if i still loved them as people yeah, i think in some form i would have to unstan, take a step back idk… to me the next album i think will really show what the boys and the company actually strive for, whether the boys doing sincere music or making money takes the precedent, and i will make my decision then

Anonymous said:Even if you ever stop following bts do you think you’ll ever stop stanning jimin?

mmmm, i love jimin too much, tbh i’ve been hurt by seeing him sometimes, but as a person i’ll always love and support him, as long as he doesn’t do something that i find totally inexcusable i’ll always be a fan

Anonymous said:Yeah I get what you mean abt nice people seeming fake. Jm is one of the very few who seems actually sincere (seem cause we don’t really know him) most nice and overly positive people I’ve met in my life are just annoying and when they show their true colors… like i’m considered to be bitchy and cold by pretty much everyone but I haven’t done half the stuff I’ve seen these “nice people” do

yeah tbh i think the true kindness of people can be seen mostly through the little things, i had a colleague at work who i thought was nice at first because he was NICE to me but then paying attention to the little things, and then when even bigger things got revealed, like… yikes.. it makes me appreciate jimin all the more. like yes we don’t know him, and i don’t think he’s a perfect angel (the boy’s got a temper :x lmao), but it’s the little things that to me show that he is just… that kind ;-; 

birghtcandlelight said:I seriously respect you. Not really a kpop fan but it’s pretty damn hard to find geniune and good fans anymore. Too many crazed “fans” going around and proclaiming their love on these guys. Probably the thing that ruined kpop for me, unfortunately. Had some bad experiences with a few “fans” in the past. Keep up the good work and congratulations on your nice blog! I especially enjoyed your post about Mimi BTS Ghost.

oh thank you ;; i don’t think i’m worthy of respect, i’m just an asshole that talks too much. and i think it’s not fair to single out kpop because the thing plaguing all fandoms is that the bigger it is, the more bad eggs it attracts, and kpop fandom swallowed the big fandoms of the past (like 1D so yeah :/ ) i think the problem in the fandom right now, like the person you mentioned, is when people stop seeing the “bad eggs” as bad eggs and instead give them validation and an actual voice in the community, which is something i hate too and is the reason i try to stay away from what the fandom is doing myself, i just try to focus on my little bubble here now and that feels much better, well unless someone invades it -.- but yeah thank you even though i’m undeserving ;; i appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts ♥

#birghtcandlelight #ask #anon

[backtothestart02]

This is a spallen defense post. (from a westallen shipper)

WARNING: if you hate/strongly dislike Patty or spallen, WALK AWAY NOW. If you hate/strongly dislike Iris/westallen, also leave. This post is not for you. It's just some venting I needed to do, b/c my emotions have been building lately & they need to be released. ... It's that time of year again. Time to defend my fav temporary ship... "That's why he acted so disinterested in her while they were dating." -quote from recent WA vid I watched. -OMG. I am sick and tired of Patty just being lumped in as another girl who didn't measure up to Iris in all these posts and vids I've been seeing. I mean, yes, Barry wasn't in love with her. And yeah, Iris meant more to him than she did. But STOP using that one look Barry gave when Patty gave him her number as proof that he wasn't interested in her. I could show you a TON of times where his face absolutely lit up when he was around her. He was just taken by surprise early on and was holding himself back b/c he was hung up on Iris. But he had FEELINGS for Patty, and they were REAL. He rly liked her. A little nudging from Iris, and he was going to tell her he was the Flash! I mean, yes, he didn't fight for her & a couple eps later he was puddle of goo when he came face to face with Iris West-ALLEN on Earth 2, but I firmly believe he deliberately didn't fight for Patty b/c he realized her leaving town would successfully put her out of Zoom's obvious reach. He wouldn't have to worry about her being a target anymore and he could just focus on stopping Zoom. He HAD to push her away (even if it meant being emotionally cruel) in order to get her to LEAVE. You could SEE he was a wreck after their final confrontation in his lab. You can't convince me of any other reason he'd suddenly flip his switch from 2x10 to 2x11. It was NOT b/c he suddenly didn't care about her anymore after one week (or less) of being broken up. I just don't buy that. Even in 2x13 he mentions that he still misses her (despite forgetting her the second he spots E2!Iris lmao). But he was RLY into Patty. She was adorable & funny & they had a lot in common - BARRY's words. And despite what a majority of WA shippers personally think (I've noticed), I thought Grant & Shantel had a TON of chemistry. Without it, I don't think I would've gotten onboard w/ spallen, given how much I was dreading Barry getting in a relationship with someone who wasn't Iris. For crying out loud, he clearly felt bad about breaking things off with Linda as soon as he found out that deep down Iris had feelings for him, and he was dating her for way less time than he was Patty. All this is to say, while westallen is absolutely my OTP & I'd be horrified if Patty was brought back now b/c I truly believe spallen's chapter is done & I absolutely don't want it resurrected, I absolutely despise seeing Patty lumped in as a girl Barry didn't rly care about. To extend that to their actual dating relationship too?! Unbelievable. If Barry hadn't cared about her, he wouldn't have dated her. B/c that wouldn't have been fair to her or himself. Do I believe he'd prob have broken things off w/ her if he suddenly found out Iris wanted to be w/ him, the same as what happened with Linda? Yes. But that doesn't mean he didn't care about or wasn't attracted to Patty, b/c he was. Joe saw it plain as day, and he sure wasn't looking for it. If I had time, I'd make a big post w/ PICTURES showing my proof of all of this. But I won't subject my followers to that b/c I know most of you follow my blog for my westallen love & high key disagree w/ a lot of what's in this post, but it has just rly annoyed me what I've been seeing lately & I had to say something. Yes, Patty isn't Iris, and inevitably she wouldn't have been enough. But imo she could've amounted to Barry what Eddie was for Iris. Eventually (had Patty not left for the incredibly stupid reason that she did - s1!Iris SL anyone??), they would've fallen in love and lasted long term. Not forever b/c his heart is set on Iris and always will be, and it would've been unfair to Patty to pretend that wasn't the case, and he would've realized that eventually. But okay, his relationship with Patty was LEGIT. Plz stop using these ridiculous excuses & "proof" to say it wasn't. *DEEP BREATH* Okay, I'm done. ... Side note: plz don't send me asks raging abt how my thoughts here are false or how much you disagree w/ them, etc. I know y'all disagree b/c I've posted spallen posts in the past & lived to regret it. I just needed to get this off my chest. On the flip side, if you're a hardcore spallen fan & think they were so much better than westallen & Patty is better than Iris & spallen should be endgame instead, just...no. I can fight for westallen even harder than spallen, so don't even try. All I want is spallen to get the respect they deserve as a legitimate relationship, but not all the love that I had for them (& I loved them a LOT) could've equaled me wanting them as endgame. So, just...walk away. I know there are very few fans out there who ship both spallen & westallen, & also have the latter as their endgame OTP, but sometimes I multiship & that's the case w/ Barry. Though only w/ Patty. I wasn't feeling it w/ Linda OR Felicity. (The Felicity concept actually annoys me since I adore their friendship so much & feel like a potential romance ruins that.) And there was never anything w/ Caitlin, so I'm not even comparing her in the short term. Again, preferably no asks about this post, unless you agree or feel like you can discuss it objectively, which I'm also very capable of doing. I reeeeally needed to get this off my chest, but I don't want it to become a point of contention in my inbox. That is all. Thank you in advance.

#spallen #rant #I'm so tired of the hate they get #and she gets #in the wa fandom #and I just needed to rant a little #my apologies #but I'm also incredibly grateful for those of you withholding flames for either ship #thank you

[lycanrox]

response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time. 

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side. 

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote. 

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did. 

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs. 

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said. 

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck. 

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent. 

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return! 

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection 

you asked me out both times. 

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them. 

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.

#self harm 0542 #abuse 35959 #rape 43592 #ask to tag

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

hi im sorry to bug you but i need advice. and also tw for possible emotional abuse!!!!

i have a friend who is very mentally ill. i am also very mentally ill. he is a trans gay boy and i am a cis girl who is pansexual.

this friend went through a period of about 3 months where he cut me out of his life and ignored me for seemingly no reason, leaving me friendless and confused and abandoned. i would try to talk to him but he would ignore me or be extremely snippy, giving me short answers and refusing to even acknowledge me. i tried so hard to talk to him at first but he ignored me in favor of new friends and new people and i was so sad and so jealous. i talked to him about it about a week ago and he apologized and said he’s sorry and that he’s “a horrible friend” and that he “was just doing it so he wouldn’t lash out at me”, which i get but even after that conversation, he still ignores me and makes me feel awful.

he also lies to me and makes me feel anxious all the time. for example, i have a crush on this boy from my work and I’ll talk about him sometimes. but whenever I would talk about him, he would go on social media and post like “lol time for another breakdown”. and i confronted him about it and asked like “hey, does it bother you that i talk about this boy?” And he was like “why would it bother me?” And I was like “i don’t know, just please tell me if it does.”. And he just goes “that would be irrational”. So I asked further and he just said “it doesn’t bother me. But if it did, it would be unfair of me to tell you that.” and i was like “no, that’s not how relationships work. you need to tell me these things.” And he went into a breakdown and said “I don’t ever do enough for anyone it’s never enough. I need to make relationships balanced. Nothing I ever do is enough”. and like!!! it really wouldn’t bother me if he didn’t want me to talk about the boy I like! it just bothers me that I’m being lied to.

i think he doesn’t want me to talk about the boy because he’s very paranoid that nobody will want to b in a relationship with him.

he also gets mad when I ask if he’s okay. I’ll be like “hey how are you” and he’ll reply “fine.” And I know that’s a sign that he’s not okay So I say “are you sure?”. and he goes. “Yeah. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine”.

and like I’ll talk to him as much as I can and I would go out of my way to make sure he’s good and comfortable and happy and I would buy him so much stuff and stay up for nights and nights in a row to help him when he breaks down but then he’ll post stuff like “nobody ever try’s to help me. I’m all alone and nobody listens to me. They just overshadow me.” And it just hurts I guess.

he makes posts on his finsta about how he doesn’t want to be people’s therapists and how everyone just uses him and he spends all his time helping other people. and it makes me feel shitty about going to him for help. But then i feel bad and i feel guilty for feeling bad!! and he’ll also make posts that say, “i need to shut up and help everyone else. I need to help other people with their problems. I need to not feel guilty.” And that makes me feel like he’s only nice to me because he feels GUILTY!!! which I hate so much. but then I’m stuck because i try to help him but he shuts me down!!

and also whenever I talk to him about my problems, he’ll make a finsta post abt how “lol I’m breaking down again” and “I’m a bad friend”. he blames himself for his friends because depressed and it makes me feel like I can’t talk to him about my own issues.

im scared to see him at school because i hate feeling like he’s going to get upset with me or have a breakdown or something. or he’s going to ignore me and make me feel disgusting. once i flinched around him and he got really upset and was like “god, I’m awful. I don’t want to scare you I’m such a bad friend”.

he’s been emotionally abused in the past so I don’t want to believe he’s emotionally abusing me. Also he is very kind to me sometimes and he does tell me that I can always talk to him if I need something, but I just feel scared of pushing him into a breakdown.

I’m sorry this is so long. I just feel so alone. i feel so sick and i get anxious like I can’t breathe around him. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel constantly guilt tripped and hurt and scared

ahhhh this sounds like such a negative and unhealthy friendship ): this post and this website talk about emotional abuse and ways to identify it, it could be helpful to read.

whether it’s emotional abuse or not though, it’s still a really toxic friendship? like there’s so many aspects that are red flags and warning signs that this isn’t a person to have in your life. I mean I think one of more unhealthy behaviours is documenting every. single. thought. and. feeling that he has online, knowing that you’re going to see it? like that’s not cool!! \: I’m all for using diaries and journals and online spaces to vent and to get things off your chest, I mean I use my own tumblr blog for that all the time haha. but it just comes off as very passive-aggressive when he writes down all his negative feelings that concern (or are connected to) you, knowing that you’re going to see it and read it. like if you have a problem with someone then just talk to them?? or if you don’t want to talk to them and still want to get it off your chest, then find some place to write it all down where that person isn’t going to read it. 

it’s terrible that he has mental health troubles and is plainly in a dark place, mentally? but his mental health problems are only an explanation of his actions, not a justification or an excuse. you need to look after yourself too! ): and if you find yourself feeling spending more of the time upset and negative, rather than happy? then it’s probably a sign that it’s best for the friendship to send. 

from all that you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve trying to do everything right by him? it’s unfortunate that the depression he’s experiencing isn’t letting him see that, it sounds like he’s got a lot to work through with someone trained in mental health. 

where to go from here? I’d encourage him to seek help from a qualified therapist if it’s all possible, but in the mean time I’d distance yourself from him. given his anxiety and depression, I think it would be best to talk to him and tell him that you need some space? let him know that you need to deal with your own mental health issues, and that his way of behaving around you at times makes you feel sad and guilty. that way? 1) you’re directly giving him a reason, rather than leaving him feeling confused and with questions, 2) you’re gently stating that while you have issues to work through, his way of acting towards you wasn’t fair or healthy, like he needs to know and acknowledge that. 

I’m not entirely sure whether this is emotional abuse, because he sounds like he tries to be nice or wants to help you out when he can? it sounds like he’s got good intentions but just doesn’t know how to follow through on that, it doesn’t sound like he’s deliberately trying to be manipulative, controlling or setting out with an intention to be hurtful. however!!!! this is still a really unhealthy friendship and it’s clear that it’s affecting you a lot, so I do feel it’s best to give yourself some space from him, spend time with others and make your own mental health a priority. take care friend, safe safe <33

- tash

#advice #submission #emotional abuse #emotional abuse tw #friends #toxic #unhealthy #anxiety #passive agressive