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#i think when i first got the internet i was like im bi ace no im bi no im straight no im a lesbian no wait im a straight man no i
probsnothawkeye · 2 years
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For the pride asks, 7, 9, 10, and 35 beloved 💕
7) What made you pick your name?
I was working on a writing project and thought about giving my character the name Pine for Symbolic ReasonsTM (basically he was pining after a life he knew he could never have) and as I continued to work on the project I realized I *really* liked the name so I stole it for myself and changed her name (kept he/she/they pronouns for the character though they deserved that)
9) What names have you considered using?
Pine was the first "oh shit I'm queer" name i chose for myself but when I was younger I always liked the name Lucinda and thought about taking that for myself when I went to college. At some point that felt too feminine for me to want though and well Pine happened <3
10) When did you realize you weren’t cishet?
Gonna break this down label by label lmao
Ace: I realized I was ace when I was 15. I saw a post on tumblr describing asexuality and went "oh shit i think thats me" and have used the label ever since
Bi: I realized I was bi when I was 21. I was living mostly alone (I avoided common spaces as much as possible) in Dublin during the pandemic and it gave me the room I needed to think and to process. The thought originally entered my mind after a couple dreams I had featured me getting a girlfriend and then started to solidify when Jonny Sims talked about how he realized he was bi during a stream. After a lot of panic thinking and consulting my best friend (who is also bi) i realized the label fit
Nonbinary: A few months after I figured out I was bi I was watching a *different* Jonny Sims stream and one of my comments (or maybe it was a ko-fi? I can't remember) was read out and he had referred to me with they/them pronouns because Internet AnonymityTM. And that kept happening in more streams I watched, people using they/them for me since they didn't know my pronouns and I realized I *really* liked it. So I decided to use she/they at first thinking I was just ExperimentingTM while also gender crisis-ing and talking to my other trans/enby friend and she helped me figure out im nonbinary
35) Do you have a type in partners?
Physically? Not really. What makes people pretty in my mind is truly an enigma to me. But I know I like people who are nice. People who are fun to talk to and don't make me feel judged. Funny isn't at the top of my list but it does help 😅 I guess I really just like people I can talk to, people who make time for me in the same ways I make time for them. Tbh I'm not sure this constitutes a type but well its the answer I've got
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stayatsam · 3 years
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college graduation and approaching 3 years post top surgery is making me reflect on a lot of stuff, and i was going back over some years old snapchats and really realized, did you know i didn’t know i was gay until i was turning 19? that’s very young in hindsight but sometimes i feel like i see on here a lot of teenagers feeling that they have to know their identity before graduating high school and that’s really just not true!! i feel like its so obvious now “Sammi is gay duh this dude draws so much gay trans stuff” but i just, didn’t until i figured it out. i genuinely thought i was straight throughout highschool and a portion of college
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daggersandarrows · 2 years
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i think almost every single issue i have with the cr fandom can be summed up with the responses that i got when i said “molly is yasha’s soulmate”.
“ummm eww, she’s a lesbian?”
there’s so many problems with this one i’ll just take it from the top.
yasha was not confirmed a lesbian (by someone else, btw) until we were in the triple digits. this fandom hates the possibility of bi women so bad it’s embarrassing. y’all know how often i see people call keyleth and vex het? and allura a lesbian?
yes, AND? how does her being a lesbian invalidate her having a soulmate who isn’t a woman. how. i’ll wait. as far as i know “lesbian” means “is attracted solely to women/women adjacent people”. why do soulmates have to have anything to do w attraction.
“gross, yasha is not attracted to a man”
sigh.
first off, see the first point, soulmate does not necessitate attraction.
second off, even if it did, mollymauk is not and never was a man--or at least not solely. and he’s not a cis man, goddammit, which is what the more insidious version of this argument looks like--”yasha isn’t attracted to a cishet man”. also he’s BI.
this wasn’t a late reveal or anything either. in EPISODE GODDAMN TWO we have confirmation of nonbinary molly.
molly ids as genderfluid. now idk how yasha thinks of her own sexuality, but if she wanted to include him in hers then...that’s...okay. it is. stop arguing. there are *plenty* of lesbians dating genderfluid people out there.
“you mean PLATONIC soulmate right haha”
i mean, i could mean that. i could. i could also mean other things this doesn’t have to mean platonic or i’m a terrible person.
this is where i’m sure im gonna lose some people: in addition to the above points about genderfluid molly, let’s just consider for a moment that i did not in fact mean platonic soulmate. or romantic actually.
let’s think about what it means if i meant sexual soulmate.
“thane what does that even mean what are you talking about”
i don’t know! soulmate has extremely variable definitions some of which are highly amatonormative but for right now let’s just say someone whose sex life meshes with yours so well that it feels like you were made to have sex with them.
this fandom has a huge and i mean HUGE problem with thinking that sex = romance and that sex MUST under ALL circumstances = sexual attraction. also the understand of consent is so poor here my god
i don’t have the time energy or brain to get into ace shit here and trust me i’ve been treated horribly by both allos and aces alike for how my identity presents itself but i will just say this
i have never been sexually attracted to anyone i’ve had sex with.
i have never been ROMANTICALLY attracted to anyone i’ve had sex with.
i like having sex.
i also know kind of a LOT of people who have sex with people who are “outside” of their identity. this isn’t an uncommon thing, very online tumblr gays.
for some reason people HATE that here. but my point is: if yasha and molly were fucking it doesn’t change anyone’s identity and it didn’t have to involve any attraction at all, and if you don’t want to see that that’s absolutely valid but it does NOT give you the right to read every thoroughly tagged fic and leave nasty hate comments or worse for the author because of it. (i’m looking at you, allos who decided to run ace fjorclay shippers off the internet.)
and last but not least, the fact that so many people violently object to this statement that i made--angry, indignant, accusing me of hatespeech, etc, when it’s word for word something that ashley said, right next to where she was comparing molly to, y’know, yasha’s literal wife. so. i can’t imagine how mad certain people would get if i made that comparison myself.
which brings me to my final point: i’m not sure that some of y’all are actually watching the same show as i am and it is very annoying for the rest of us.
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rev-1832 · 3 years
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please for the love of all fuck explain mcyt to me
Omg I've been waiting for this
So mcyt means minecraft youtube, but usually also includes Twitch streamers. It's like a in general thing, and not pointing to anything specific
But since you sound so confused, I'm gonna explain to you the Dream SMP lore 'cause why not
TL;DR: Chaos and war, basically also like a hamilton, heathers, and les mis crossover (but i mean if you want to understand everything you should read.)
If theres spelling mistakes, sorry
Note: Everyone on the smp has three canon lives, and when you loose all three you're canonically dead (except philza minecraft. he has one canon life bc hes known as the hardcore guy bc he had a minecraft hardcore series for 6 years until he was killed by a spider while trying to fight a baby zombie lmaoooooo)
IMPORTANT: THIS IS ALL RP. IRL THEY’RE ALL FRIENDS. THERES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PLAYER AND THE CHARACTER. THE RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T ACTUALLY TOGETHER IRL. ITS ALL THEIR CHARACTERS THAT THEY MADE UP. (obviously the best friends stuff are irl)
In the beginning there were 8: The Dream Team (Dream, Georgenotfound [the guy in my pfp btw :)] , Sapnap), Badboyhalo, Awesamdude, Ponk, Callahan, and Alyssa. Around this time, nothing much happened since it was all brand new, uhh yeah (this was around may-july of this year)
Then around late july new members joined: Tommyinnit, Tubbo, Wilbur Soot, Eret, Skeppy, Fundy, Punz, Purpled, and Schlatt. This part is very important to the lore, because the lore kinda started off with the british (so tommy, tubbo, wilbur, eret) Schlatt was banned, cause Sapnap was the one who invited him and Dream didn't know who he was. He'll come up later.
So Wilbur and Tommy decided to create a new nation called "L'Manberg". Also around this time (i think) Nihachu and Jack Manifold joined. They also were part of L'Manberg. There was this huge revolution between Dream Smp and L'Manberg. Very historical period on this smp. In the end, (i think it was?) L'Manberg who won (if memory serves).
After that, L'Manberg had started growing bigger, with a lot more buildings added and stuff, notably Church Prime, which where they created a religion for Twitch Prime, which is how you can sub to your favorite twitch streamer for free if you link your amazon prime account. I'm pretty sure around this time, Quackity, Karl Jacobs (if you watch Mr. Beast; yes, that karl jacobs), HBomb, Technoblade, and Antfrost joined. And then the railway war started. It happened when Tommy accidentally ran over Dream with a Minecart and then took his stuff. This is how the disc war started (once again, if memory serves). The two discs Tommy owns are his prized possesions, and Dream took them. Also around this time the Pet War started, with Sapnap killing someones(i forgot oops) pet. And then more pet killing. Annnnd then even more.
Then there was the L'Manberg eletion. There was POG2020, who was Wilbur and Tommy, SWAG2020, Quackity and George, Coconut2020, Fundy and Nihachu, and Schlatt2020 which was Schlatt. Oh yeah and he got unbanned btw
SWAG2020 and Schlatt2020 decided to combine their votes, thus Shclatt became president and Quackity his vp. Oh and ever since the election Quackity has this grudge against George bc he slept through the election. Schlatt renamed L'Manberg to Manberg, and exiled Tommy and Wilbur from it.
Schlatt is a evil dictator who likes power. He and Quackity started fighting, and so Quackity became part of Tommy and Wilbur's side. Around this time was The Battle of the Lake and The Burning Eiffel Tower, both part of the pet war. (It seems like a innocent war but its actually brutal lmao) Also (irl) Mr. Beast had a $10,000 Taco Bell gift card hunt. Eret won. It was at the cords 6969,420, because haha funny number haha weed number. This has nothing to do with the lore but yeah. Eret also became King of the SMP 
Then there was the Manberg festival. It was to celebrate democracy, but Tubbo puts it as "i decorated my own execution" bc he helped decorate it, but he was murdered there. At the festival was the Manberg Massicare, where Technoblade was forced to shoot tubbo, but he released a firework rocket kiling Tubbo, Schlatt, Quackity, and a few others. Many people lost one of their canon lives. Wilbur went all J.D like and planted 11 stacks of TNT underneath Manberg, and wanted to blow it up.
Pogtopia was formed, which is a ravine which i think is underneath? manberg? Which included basically everybody who wasn't neutral or with schlatt. On November 16 was the Manberg VS Pogtopia war, but the Badlands were also there. The Badlands is a nation of four people: Bbh, Skeppy, Awesamdude, and Antfrost. They faught with the loosing side, so the chaos could continue. Eret disobeyed Dream and got stripped of his royalty, and gave it to George. Oh and during this time, George had no idea there was a war and was building a cottagecore mushroom house with callahan and was very confused with all the death messages in the chat. Schlatt died canonically of a heart attack or stroke (no one knows tbh). Tommy became president, passed it to wilbur bc he still has unfinished buissness with dream (the discs), and wilbur passed it to Tubbo, who made Tommy his vp. Technoblade then argued about how government is bad, and they're just repeating history. Philza Minecraft joined the server, but no one could find him, until Wilbur blew up L'Manberg (they rechanged the name also). Wilbur then made Philza kill him, so Wilbur also became canonically dead. Then Techno, still mad at L'Manberg and governments, summoned two withers and made it attack the others. The Geogre decided to check out what was happening and helped fight. After the chaos, Captain Puffy and ConnorEatsPants joined the smp. About one to two weeks later Vikkstar and LazarBeam joined, then about three months after that Ranboo joined.
They rebuilt L'Manberg on stilts, and there water where the explosion was, but now with coral and stuff to make it all pretty. Tommy and Ranboo decided to go steal from Georges mushroom house, but then also griefed it and burnt it, and Dream, being a George simp, built obsidian walls around L'Manberg. They took Tommy to court, and was put on probation. Then Tommy got exiled (again) but this time by his own best friend. This made Quackity vp and Fundy secutary of state. Dream also took Georges king thing and gave it back to Eret because Eret has a good relationship with everybody, whereas George being King just caused chaos cause hes close to Dream. Quackity and Karl made Mexican L'Manberg, and George and Sapnap joined in also. War against Dream SMP, it was a negotiation and it got renamed into El Rapids (reference to Chilling in Cedar Rapids, which Hilary Clinton once said, and Quackity referenced it, got it trending #1 one twitter (well i mean dsmp gets things trending like everyday but), and got DONALD TRUMP TO SUBTWEET HIM. (This happened irl)
In his exile, Ghostbur (wilbur as ghost) and Tommy made Logstedshire, and Dream was often there to watch him. Dream then blew it up, and now Tommy is living with Techno in his arctic place. Currently, Quackity made a thing called The Butcher Army, so they could execute Techno. Tubbo, Quackity, Fundy, and I also think Ranboo? are trying to get another festival, and yes its a secret execution plan, but for them to kill Dream, who they realized is who they need to kill first. The disc war is still not over. Tommy has one of his discs, but Skeppy is in possesion of the other one.
Unluckily for Tommy (reguarding the discs), something happened in the Badlands. Bbh was digging out his underground statue room (he plans to make a statue of everyone of the server) and found this crimson egg. He, Antfrost, and Captain Puffy kinda got possesed. Also since Skeppy didn't really hang out on the server at night, but bbh does (OF FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION HE AND BBH ARE BEST FRIENDS) Captain Puffy created Discount Skeppy, which is her in a Skeppy skin. Skeppy found out, had a little conflict with her during her stream, but it was resolved, and at one point in the stream, he asked bbh to choose between him and the egg, and when bbh didn't answer, he went to the egg, put himself inside it, and logged off. Couple days later, bbh and puffy got him out, hes now possed by the crimson, called Technoblade his "best friend" infront of bbh, and is now living in a grass hut. Bad is convinced theres still some skeppt left, but yeah. Skeppy also wanted to burn the disc.
End of lore for now, bc its like if you miss ONE STREAM YOU MISS LIKE A REALLY IMPORTANT EVENT AND ITS STRESSFUL
Not much part of lore but Nihachu and Captain Puffy once went on a date. They’re both bi irl and Puffy was on Nihachu’s Love or Host (twitch dating show. its really entertaining) Captain Puffy was a contestant, and chose love. (LoH is also how Nihachu and Wilbur met.) 
Funfact: Theres 5 irl lgbtq+ ppl on the server (people who came out, anyways cause you never know, ya know?) Antfrost is gay, Eret, Nihachu, Captain Puffy are all bi, and Karl Jacobs is ace spec 
Family stuff: Philza Minecraft (he'll come up later) had two twins with a Samsung Smart Refrigerator in the 70's. The two twins being Wilbur and Technoblade (he'll come up later also) and also had another son, Tommy. They also adopted Tubbo, who they found in a box on the side of the road. When he grew up, Wilbur met Sally the Salmon, and they had a fox together (dont ask just go with it), which was Fundy. (The character) Fundy is trans, and yeah . Bbh is a dad to sapnap and yeah
Oh and a new member is coming on today on Quackity’s stream (twitch.tv/quackityhq at 5pm CST if you want to watch) 
I left out some parts, sorry, but theres always the wiki...
Wilbur Soot is also a musician! He wrote I’m In Love With an Egirl, The Internet Ruined Me, and Your New Boyfriend. (did you know the last one beat taylor swift for #1 trending on youtube? idk why but im really proud of him for that) They’re all catJam’s. Go listen!
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starsandwriting · 3 years
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Happy Asexual Week!!
Shout out to that aphobe insta blog i stumbled across in 9th grade that managed to convince 14 year old me,who had just discovered she's aroace, that asexuals aren't a part of the lgbtq+ community😌 Esteemed stranger i hope i find your account again so we can have a Talk.
Please be wary of fake ace positive people like these. I had actually seen a post of theirs that explained, in a very educated tone, how aces were 100% valid but not lgbt. And i was very confused because??? Everyone on tumblr says that aces are lgbt?? What is the truth???
So i commented on their post asking for clarification (which was kinda a big deal for me, my parents are overprotective and absolutely forbid me from contacting strangers on the internet in any way)
Here's the general gist of a long conversation. Seem familiar to any of you?
Me: excuse me, could you explain your post a bit more please? Im confused
Them: Sure! Basically there is a huge discourse on whether ace people can be considered lgbt or not. The lgbt community was formed specifically to help opressed and marginalised queer people have a safe space. While aces definitely aren't straight, we haven't experienced the same opression and hatred that gay, bi, etc people have experienced, so we can't really count ourselves as members of the lgbt community
Me, still confused: uhh i thought anyone not straight was lgbt? And I've seen many posts who say that aces are lgbt???
Them: Yeah but they're wrong. Which is why i made this post. Im ace too. We simply haven't had to deal with the same life problems as actual lgbt people. We can definitely have our own separate community tho! Hope i cleared it up!
This person was making a lot of sense to 14 year old me and i believed their logic without a doubt. I was pretty disappointed tho, because I'd been so excited to find out that i can call myself a member of the lgbtq+ comunity. Then i suddenly perked up because hey! This post is about ace people, not asexuals! (Yeahhh i was still new to these terms at the time) but im asexual which means im still a valid member!
Me: sorry for disturbing again but is ace and asexual the same thing?
Them: no problem :) yes they are the same thing
Me, disappointed: oh ok
Me: I think i got it now! Thank you so much for taking the time to explain!
Them: You're welcome! Always happy to help :)
......yeahh.
In case you didnt catch it, everything this person told me was absolute bs. I somewhat knew about aphobes back then but the thing was that this person was so genuinely nice and polite to me that i believed them wholeheartedly, which just confused me about my sexuality even more.
Unfortunately when i first had the delightful accident of stumbling upon the word asexuality (and aromanticism! there were two words to describe me!) and went on social media to look up posts about them, everything i encountered was either aphobe bs like this one or ace discourse posts. So i pretty much spent the first half year thinking 'ok i ain't straight but im not lgbt either. Wtf am I?' But since then all the lovely ace positive people and posts on tumblr have reassured me over and over that people like me absolutely belong in this community!!
Which is why I'll always prefer tumblr over instagram. Insta can kiss my ass
To all my lovely ace, aro and agender pals: you all are 1000% a valid part of the lgbtq+ community and anyone who tells you otherwise is a blubbering idiot
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the-ronan-cycle · 5 years
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Diverse Book Recs
I recently typed up a list of books for a friend who said she’d stopped reading because she couldn’t find diverse/queer books. This list is predominately focused on queer diversity but there’s also lot’s of super awesome ladies and poc here too. The list is also in two parts, the first are all books that I’ve read myself and include me trying to give a summary, content warnings (If I can remember, I can’t guarantee they’re all exhaustive.) and a rating. The second part has books on my to read list that, to my knowledge, have queer characters. All of the titles are linked to their goodreads page.
I Was Born For This - Alice Oseman
A Hijabi ace fangirl goes to London on a week long trip to meet her internet friend and go to the concert of her favourite band. Jimmy, the trans, gay, mixed race, mentally ill singer for said band is figuring out how growing up famous has changed himself and his friends. They cross paths and stuff happens. A really interesting look into fan culture, both the good and the bad. Really fun characters and relationships. Written by the same person who does the Heartbreaker webcomic. CW: alcoholic behavior, brief mention of unintentional trans outing 4.5/5
The Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Welsh mythology meets small town Virginia. Gorgeous, poetic writing by Stiefvater tells the surreal story of a group of teenagers on the search for a lost welsh king and wish foretold if one wakes him. Along the way they discover the power of ley lines, dreams, and ~friendship~. One of the main characters (my favourite character) is canon queer (he’s into a girl and guy but like, the word bi isn’t explicitly said) and one of the other main characters is canon gay. It’s a difficult story to describe but it’s such a fascinating read. CW: child abuse, alcohol and drug abuse, there’s a scene in the second book that I think the author confirmed was sexual assault 5/5
Shades of Magic Series - V.E. Schwab
Avatar the last airbender meets pirates and royalty and multiverses. In this world there are 4 earths that intersect at London. Kell is one of the only two people who can travel between Londons. Grey London is our world, Red London is Kell’s, full of magic. White London is a wasteland barren of magic and ruled by bloodthirsty twins. Black London is dead. The main cast of Kell, Lila Bard, a pirate thief who gets caught up in the adventure, Rhy, the (gay? Bi? I forget lol) prince of Red London, and Alucard, (also gay? Or bi?) actual pirate have to save the multiverse! Lots of great subplots, written by a queer woman and impossible to put down. If you saw me with my kindle in class after winter last year, it was because I literally couldn’t stop reading. CW: frankly it’s been too long since I read it im sorry 5/5
Leah on the Offbeat/Simon vs the Homosapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Simon Vs is the book Love Simon is based on. Simon (gay) has a mystery pen pal, Blue. All he knows is that Blue also goes to Creekwood High and is gay. But Simon leaves the emails open on a school computer because he’s a dumbass and then also an ass but the bad kind, Martin finds them and blackmails Simon. It’s similar to the movie but I prefer the book! There are some scenes and plot points that didn’t make it in. Also his friends don’t suck as much when he’s outed. Leah on the OffBeat is the sequel about Simon’s friend, Leah. She’s bi! Simon thought all his friends were straight but jkjkjk gays flock together. Cute wlw high school story. CW: character is outed against their will, underage drinking  SVTHA 5/5 LOTO 4/5
The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee
Main character is a total slut and we support him. Bi and ready to party. But wait it’s the 1800s and that’s not super chill. In a final hurrah before he has to become master of his family estate, Henry Montague takes his best friend (gay and also ready to party) and, reluctantly, his little sister  (ace and ready to be a doctor) on a tour of the continent. Along the way they discover a plot and their trip turns upside down. There’s pirates! Period accurate medicine! Characters unlearning their prejudices! CW: Child abuse, period typical homophobia, sexism and racism 4/5
Captive Prince Trilogy - C.S. Pacat
hEAR ME OUT. This is probably my favourite series I’ve ever read. You’ve heard of enemies to lovers? Get ready for enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to allies to lovers! Crown Prince Damianos of Akielos is caught up in a coup lead by his half brother and sent to the enemy nation of Vere to be a pleasure slave for their crown prince, Laurent. Now here you think it’s gonna be some kinky sex romp but it actually becomes the best political intrigue with a thoughtful, loving, very vanilla romance. “If you gave me your heart, I would treat it tenderly”. Dw they only have sex after the whole slave thing is over. Also, they abolish slavery so there’s that. If you don’t like the first book,  I get it but just try the second book, the tone changes with the change of setting. The author does some really interesting stuff with her setting. Typically writers will just make society reflect our by default but Pacat threw that out, homophobia? Never heard of her. In Vere it’s actually taboo for men and women to have sex before marriage because of the threat of bastards. So everyone just is gay instead. You want a matriarchal warrior women country? Pacat has got your back. The series does lack in well written women. There are a few women but not enough, Pacat has talked about this and is basically like, u right, I’ll do better in my next series. Written by a queer WOC (kinda? Woc is the wrong word but just read these tweets where she describe it better than i ever could)  and I love it, the end. CW: child abuse, child sexual abuse, incest, rape, sex slavery, prostitution, graphic violence, non consensual drug consumption, child death, suicide, torture, animal death (also it should be obvious but none of these things are glorified, the abuser is the worst and he sucks and everyone hates him) 6/5
Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Based on the Harry Potter parody series from Rowell’s book Fangirl. Simon Snow (doesn’t ever figure out his sexuality but had a girlfriend and boyfriend) is the chosen one, orphaned and brought to a magical boarding school, must save magical britain from evil. His best friend, book smart Penelope and his (possibly evil and a vampire? Also gay) roommate Baz must work together to defeat the humbug. This book has a really fantastic closed magic system and gives the character very clear limits. CW: rat death? 5/5
Queer There and Everywhere - Sarah Prager
A nonfiction book about 23 people throughout history that were both queer and very cool. From Frida Kahlo and Abraham Lincoln to the actual Danish Girl and Kristina Vasa, Prager dives into the lives of many historical figures who were also queer. A really wide gamut of women, men and nb, cis and trans, white and poc. Could have had more historical figures from the east. A fun, easy read. Made me cry, i want lesbian moms. 4/5
Huntress - Malinda Lo
It’s been a few years since I read this so bear with me. Cool magic girl main character and less magic but also cool other girl as well as a misfit group including the prince and a badass lady named shae (hell yeah) have to go into the fae world to right the magical imbalance of their world. Wlw, written by a queer woc CW: I don’t remember sorry 4/5
Outrun the Wind - Elizabeth Tammi
(I’m actually only half way through this) (Also it’s written by a mutual of mine on tumblr so that’s tight) A queer retelling of the greek myth of Atalanta. Atalanta (bi) is taken by the hunters of Artemis and has to help them defeat Apollo who’s being shitty. Wlw, written by a bi lady CW: animal death
Iron Breakers trilogy - Zaya Feli
Bastard Prince (queer), Ren, is happy to be out of the line of succession and just party it up but suddenly is framed for the murder of his brother and on the run along with a prisoner who escaped with him. Ren is faced with realities of y’know, not being a prince and decides to help save his country. Political intrigue with some twists I didn’t guess. MLM CW: slavery, graphic violence 4.5/5
All for the Game trilogy - Nora Sakavic
Think dark, queer, sports anime but with a co-ed team. Neil Josten (demi sexual- “which way do you swing? “I don’t?”) is on the run from his mob boss, murderer father and finds himself on the collegiate exy team of the palmetto foxes. Exy, a violent cross between lacrosse and soccer is Neil’s favourite thing but the team is made up of misfits. Neil has to survive both his father and the Raven’s (another exy team) owner, another mob boss, coming for him and his team. Super fast paced, very intense, after the first book I couldn’t put it down. The characters are all super interesting as are the relationships. Multiple mlm relationships, one briefly mentioned wlw couple CW: (o boy here we go) suicide, graphic violence, graphic torture, non consensual drug consumption, alcohol and drug abuse, prescription drug abuse, non consensual kissing, rape, child sexual abuse, sex work, mention of gay conversion therapy, discussion of self harm and self harm scars, child abuse 4.5/5
The Posterchildren - Kitty Burroughs
It’s been years since I read this so I really don’t remember much. It’s about a school for superheroes. Definitely wlw I don’t remember any else 4/5
Six of Crows Duology - Leigh Bardugo
A misfit group of criminals is hired to travel north to break into an impregnable prison. The cast of characters is lovable and the plot is fast paced. It’s set in the same universe as Bardugo’s first series but you don’t need to read them. (I did and they were ok but six of crows is better). Two of the main characters are mlm. CW: gore, graphic violence, child abuse 4.5/5
The Percy Jackson Series and Magnus Chase Series
I don’t need to describe these lol. PJO has two canon gay characters, the most recent series has lesbian and ace huntresses of artemis, and a bi main character. Magnus Chase has a non binary main character starting in the second book.
On My To-Read List:
Orlando - Virginia Woolf
I love her writing, it’s poetic without hurting my brain to read. This is a classic queer novel. It’s been said that Woolf wrote it as a “love letter” to Vita, her lover. The main character changes gender throughout the novel.
Stars in Her Eyes - Clare C. Marshall
I bought a copy of the first book in this series from the author at a convention last summer. It’s about a school for people with powers. I asked and apparently there’s a queer character but you don’t find out til the second book.
Ash - Malinda Lo
A wlw retelling of cinderella by the same author as Huntress.
The Academy Journals - Garrett Robinson
Apparently there’s trans, lesbian, gay, poly, ace, bi, pan! It’s about a magical school. It has really good reviews on goodreads so that’s promising
The Abyss Surrounds Us - Emily Skrutskie
There’s gay lady space pirates. Actually maybe not space? Idk i got space vibes
Vicious/Vengeful - V.E. Schwab
A story about moral greyness and supervillains. Kinda reminds me of Nimona tbh. I heard the main character is ace?
Our Bloody Pearl - D.N. Brynn
There’s mermaids, and pirates, and it’s gay apparently. The main character uses they them pronouns I think.
Breaking Legacies - Zoe Reed
Fantasy wlw by a trans dude (i think? They went through some sort of gender transition but i can’t find their pronouns)
The Dark Wife - S.E. Diemer
A wlw retelling of Hades and Persephone
The High Court Series - Megan Derr
Fantasy political intrigue mlm and I was told the main character is trans
Btw my rating system was basically:
4/5=i enjoyed reading it and would recommend it but probably wouldn’t read it again
4.5/5=I really liked it and would probably reread it
5/5= i love it, i either have or plan to reread it
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anti-mistajules · 5 years
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For the aromantic asks, would you pick which ones you want, or if you could do all of them? I’ve never heard about it before but I’m really curious and would like to know more from your point of view
Well bc you’ve never heard of it before here’s a little definition I got from here (if u wanna read more about it):
An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships.
What arospec label(s) do you identify with?
I’m just plain ol Aromantic
Sexual orientation?
Bisexual
Are you romance-repulsed?
To a degree? I don’t usually mind seeing romance in media, I just get a little uncomfortable with seeing PDA and when people view me in a romantic way I feel like physically sick.
Do you relate to voidpunk?
Do I relate to what now?
What kinds of attraction (romantic, sexual, aesthetic, sensual, platonic, etc) do you experience?
Sexual, aesthetic, and platonic definitely! Im not too big on sensual attraction and I don’t feel romantic attraction at all.
How do you like to show people you (platonically) love them?
I’m a huge ‘acts of service’ and ‘gift’ person! I do whatever I can to make things easier for my friends and try to give them gifts they love and deserve! I also like to spend time with them when I can and talk about whatever! Basically if I can talk to you on the phone or in person past 12am, I love you friend!!
Do you want to remain single all your life or do you want to have some sort of life partner?
I wanna remain single, I really need my alone time I couldn’t imagine living with someone for an extended period of time.
If you want one, what is your dream partner?
no! 
Which is your favorite of the 3 aromantic flags?
Uhhh fuck im not too flag savvy??? I like this one:
Tumblr media
Your opinion on soulmates?
allonormative as fuck and perpetuates the idea that you need another person in your life to ‘complete’ you which is complete garbage!
Your opinion on shipping?
Shipping is fun but I don’t get too into it.
Do you ship characters in romantic/sexual relationships, or do you only ship characters in familial and platonic relationships?
Honestly all of the above but mostly platonic and sexual.
Are you out to anyone in real life?
My close friends and my immediate family. Or at least I tried to come out to them but they were just like “you won’t get married?? Ya right lol ur stupid” and I didn’t use the word ‘aromantic’ so I guess technically im not out to them?? Its not something I hide, but when explaining it to others I don’t use the word bc I don’t wanna explain or want people to think im one of those “tumblrinas’ who ‘make up orientations’ bc there’s a lot of negativity to unpack there so I just don’t bother
How did you come out?
Once I found out what aromanticism was I immediately related to it so I told my best friend first and we had a conversation about it and then Id just be like “hey I don’t get why people date people…I don’t wanna do that” to everyone else.
Do you know any aromantic people in real life?
Nope! I would love to meet some!!
How do you feel about your aromanticism?
Honestly its so freeing…I feel very validated knowing there’s a whole community of people who feel the same way I do about romance. Im pretty proud to be aro with my friends and online but irl to my family and acquaintances Im not as open with it.
What is the worst part of being aromantic?
The lack of representation and the constant erasure. I highkey hate being grouped with asexuals so much bc not every person who is aro is ace and vice versa! They’re separate orientations but they are NEVER treated like it and its so annoying. (THIS IS NOT ACE HATE!! I SUPPORT ACES WITH ALL MY ARO HEART!!! LOVE YALL!!)
Also the constant fear that you cant be friends with the opposite sex bc they’ll always want to be romantically involved and that your allo friends will leave you for their S/O lol
ALSO WHEN UR PHONE CHANGES AROMANTIC TO AROMATIC >:///
What is the best part of being aromantic?
Not being in a relationship lol people complain so much about their relationship troubles and im like ‘damn COULDN’T be me’
How did you find out about aromanticism?
I found out through either Tumblr or google I cant remember which??? Or maybe I saw it on Tumblr and googled it? Either way Tumblr was a factor
When did you know you were aromantic?
I tried dating my best friend and ended it in like 3 days bc I felt so fucking weird about the whole thing like very uncomfortable??? Like I felt like I couldn’t talk to him about certain stuff anymore and just being called someone’s “girlfriend” makes my skin crawl. I always had some weirdness around romance but I thought it was just bc I haven’t “found the right person yet” but if anyone was the “right person” it was my best friend and I couldn’t do it. So I did some research and found out about aromanticism, related so hard, and have been very happy with the label ever since.
Do you have any aromantic headcanons?
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND BRUCE BATMAN WAYNE ARE AROMANTIC AND YOU WILL PRY THOSE HEADCANONS OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS YOU COWARDS
What would be your dream representation of an aromantic/aro-spec character?
An aromantic character who is allosexual (preferably bi) who loves their friends and family and would do anything for them! Doesn’t go “EW!!! GROSS!!” At romance but is just like “nah ill pass, loving my friends is all I need!” and isn’t super oblivious to romantic gestures or infantilized/made into a joke for not being interested in romance. Also if they call out allonomativity that’d be tight
Who is your aromantic icon/idol?
NOBODY BC THERE ARE NO AROMANTICS IN MEDIA
What is your favorite song that relates to aromanticism, or is simply not about romantic love?
Analysis Paralysis by Awake at Last (At least I don’t get a romance vibe off of it??) and Sonic Youth by Crush 40 for all you Sonic fans out there. (And honestly most sonic songs are aromantic BANGERS)
What is your favorite movie that is not focused on romance?
BATMAN V SUPERMAN !!!
What is your favorite tv show that is not focused on romance?
POKEMON !! Im gonna be honest with y’all I think the reason Im aro is bc I watched nothing but Pokemon until I was like 10 (I didn’t stop I just also watched other things) and it is the least romance oriented show ever like….while y’all where out watching Disney princesses ‘fall in love’ or whatever I was crying over Pikachu’s Goodbye so don’t talk to me about heartbreak. Also Ash and Pikachu’s friendship (and of course his friendship with all his traveling partners) really fucking resonated with me and I think thats why I hold my friends above all else.
What popular romantic pairing do you see as only platonic?
SONAMY
Do you experience squishes?
I think I’ve had maybe one or two but they went away quick once I realized that I just like this person bc I think we’d be good friends and I get excited at the thought of making longterm friends.
Do you own any aromantic pride merch or outfits? What are they? If not, what would you like to own?
I do not but id love to own a flag or two
Do you have any advice for anyone who may be questioning if they are aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum?
Just own it. I’m actually actively trying to take my own advice bc like I said I don’t use the word irl but like,,,if you think you’re aro or somewhere on the spectrum, find a label that speaks to you and just own it. Being Aromantic isn’t cringey, its a valid orientation just like any other and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Ive spent too much time pretending to be alloromantic just to fit in, I’ve embarrassed myself too many times by pretending to be allo, Ive gone too far into my life pretending to be something im not just because its easier for others to understand. Ive gone through too much to discover my orientation to have some fucking losers on the internet tell me that its ‘not a real orientation’. Im aromantic. I feel comfortable in that label and no one can take that away from me.
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bleuberrygliscor · 6 years
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i hate being somewhat safety-savvy when it comes to the internet. Some people really out here thinking that ‘privacy; is real and your information is not always in jeopardy all the time. when it is. If someone really wanted to steal your identity, they would. if someone really wants to stalk you, they will. Im not excusing this shitty behaviour but at the same time you posted several pictures of your home and car and are using your name...on a public site. Im so sick of seeing people get upset about their information being shared and spread so heres a quick guide to not vomiting your information online:
1.do not give out your real name! - the only people who should see your government name is people irl. Yes this includes any and all dead names you have, It takes time for places to update names, dead names are viable search words too. yes this means first or last. do not.
2. do not give away your home address - like no shit right? right. Do not use your own address for things like amazon wishlists or commissions if you do not violently trust the person. If youre a minor do not give out your home address at all. ever. never ever. Got commissions? send that shit by email or have an adult you trust have the package delivered to them, and they’ll get it to you. PO boxes are expensive, i know.
3. stop listing asl in your descriptions - (age / sex / location). Honestly you shouldnt really have any of this on your blog at all. Age may be used to lure in predatory asshats, dropping it will dissuade them from even approaching you, as they will assume youre an adult and keep that shit moving. Putting your orientation is fine, adding youre trans/bi/pan/ace is whatever, it does no harm to you, other than attracting x-phobic assholes but thats gonna happen regardless. Location is a big problem. see 2. placing pronouns are fine and are actually helpful. keep doing that.
4. stop listing your ‘if youre x- then get out’- youre inviting that behavior by stating you dont like it, while also giving them legitimacy.... just ignore it and move on.
5. think about what you post before you post it- would you say it to a stranger? not just in morality, but security too. Would you tell a stranger you just got a new appartment? probably yeah. Would you tell them that youre apartment building is 123 captain Crunch st, 1st floor, no.01? nah. you can share, just dont overshare.
honestly i just want yall to be safe. i want yall to not have to worry about stupid things like doxxing and stalking. They’ve long since stopped teaching internet safety rules it seems, so i want yall to keep that shit safe....i dont want yall hurt or worse...
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pagesofkenna · 7 years
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i got tagged by @islandoforder AND @mooitstimdrake and im not waiting for the last groupchatperson to tag me as well so lets go
11 asks, 11 answers, 11 questions, 11 people (better than the video game) (under a readmore bc theres a lot)
I’m double jointed in my shoulders
which means I can lick my elbows
I have 1 cat and his name is Sherlock and he’s the handsomest boy in the world
I’m currently writing a text game which I think is fairly decent for a first attempt at a game
I have a BA in English, Technical Writing
I bought my first car this month AND got my first credit card AND made my first appointment with a therapist i’m moving up in the world
I’ve read like 70 books this year so far, but that includes most of the Animorphs series so I’m not including that on my goodreads
I listen to a bunch of random podcasts but not the ones people who talk about podcasts a lot on tumblr listen to
I don’t/can’t follow youtube series, or video game journalism, or other internet subscriptions people my age with my interests should be following
I’m a Mormon? that’s a p important fact i always forget people don’t know
I’ve lived my whole life in the SoCal desert (except for going to school in Idaho) and desperately want to not live here anymore
Calyx’ questions
What’s your favourite tv show? i dont know my dude. i think parks and rec is my stock answer bc its one of the few shows i can go back and rewatch over and over randomly (and have) but also i try not to just because ive seen it so many times. 
How many languages can you speak? English and Cat
Where would you most like to visit? Antarctica
Who’s your favourite artist? like music or visual art? i don’t really know, i don’t follow specific artists for anything, except clark powell is a music composer i really like
Do you support any sports teams? i dont follow any of the teams but if the tvs on and its baseball: the dodgers if theyre playing, the angels if theyre not, any team with a bird name otherwise; basketball: the lakers if theyre playing, any team with a bird name otherwise; football: i dont know who any of the teams are so i literally just look for bird names
Favourite food? chocolate
What’s the last song you had stuck in your head? i literally just started thinking about Someday by Clark Powell because of that other question
What should you be doing right now? something productive so i dont feel like i wasted the day when i have to leave for work in four hours. reading probably
What’s your fave big franchise? Legend of Zelda i guess
Any tattoos (currently or planned)? nope (the aforementioned Mormon thing) but there was a Sawbones episode where they talked about how their daughter loved glitter temporary tattoos and its had me thinking...
What three things would you want with you on a deserted island? the Count of Monte Cristo, a month supply of MREs, and a reliable working communication device to call for help
Moo’s questions
If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be? lol you mean another one. i was considering making a blog of funny product photos at my store, but i realized i’d be WAY too busy this fall for that, so... that? otherwise i’d want to get more serious about my video game blog
If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have? either a bird of some kind or a snake of some kind but i’m not sure which. a duck maybe?? i’d like to live in a place i could have a duck
Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite? my 4th grade teacher was HUGE on growing at your own pace, introduced us to new funny ‘trivia’ to help us learn that learning could be fun, stressed and heavily rewarded reading skills
What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)? right now its listening to podcasts when i should be doing other things. or just the entirety of tumblr.
Favorite pizza topping? anything meat. put half as much cheese on as you thought it needed then cover it with pepperoni and sausage crumbles and bacon bits just to counteract that gross cheese texture
What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)? uuhh and not gas? i think it was gas. or those jeans i ordered last week that finally arrived? or the last Inside Out cup we were selling at my store that no one was buying and we just needed to get rid of so i bought it since i like that movie
What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to? The Defenders is coming out THIS FRIDAY! and Runaways in October!! then Star Wars in December!!!
Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)? I have SO many recommendations but i feel like you, specifically, have heard most of them, so I’m going to throw in a curveball and talk about The Last Guardian, which is the third game in a loosely-connected series of games about people who are alone, and hurting, and trapped in worlds that do not make sense and are actively trying to push them down, finding and connecting with other people or beings in their same situations, who don’t let their pain stop them from loving and understanding, and working with that they have to escape and make things better
What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own? probably my Ace Pride socks
What was your first pet? I can never remember the story right, but I think when i was young my grandmother died so we inherited her cat, a fluffy grumpy old thing named Lucky who did not want to cuddle or be with us (she was probably sad her human was gone, but also my grandmother wasnt really a cat person anyways so. probably just a sad cat). since Lucky wouldn’t play with me my mom got a kitten from a friend, who we named Megabyte, who we had until she died just after I graduated high school
If you could learn any language, what would it be? Korean
My questions
If you could live in any fictional world, where would it be?
What’s the last song that you listened to that you felt very emotional about (positive or negative)?
What’s a book or movie you love that you feel not enough people know about?
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?
What pokemon would you include in your real life pokemon team?
Where are you in your sibling rank?
If you could interview any one person who is now deceased, who would you interview?
What would you ask them?
When you’re out in public ordering food, what’s your preferred drink?
Where do you put the ketchup (in the fridge or in the cupboard)?
If you could work with a programming team to design an app for your phone, what would the app do?
I’m tagging @bi-dominusrex (*fingerguns*), @hiboudeluxe, @irlhannah, @chrosty, @latiburona, @natcat5, @zoook39, @nelmathyria, @hedgiwithapen, @j-the-latter-gay-saint, @everylastbird (note that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to! also if i didnt tag you but you want to answer the questions please feel free there were so many people i wanted to tag!)
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thestuckylibrary · 7 years
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Welcome, new mods!
This week we’re welcoming five new mods to help deal with the workload of thestuckylibrary! In a new move, us librarians are telling you, the readers a bit about ourselves. Get to know your mods a little better!
Mod Karin
I’m a biro ace from Canada. I use she/her pronouns. Melancholic, a dog person, asthmatic. I’m an Art History student in my early 20s. I’m definitely an Academic™, I love research, medieval art, early renaissance art, most 1850-1945 art, talking at length about things that interest me and,Scifi and fantasy, historical fiction and writing about things. I have Beef with Greenburg.
I started shipping stucky in like mid 2013 after I binged all marvel movies in a single night after being dragged to see Iron Man 3. At that point I wasn’t into the tumblr side of mcu fandom and just read the few fics there were on AO3. However, that all changed after I saw TWS. Full tilt mcu tumblr multishipping since April that year and I haven’t looked back. I joined the library June 2015 and have been modding ever since, albeit with a bit of a break summer 2016. It made sense as a move to me- I love fanfiction, tend to mostly read stucky fic, love organization and giving recs and have experience with the idea having worked in libraries for many years.
I’m also a traditional artist. I usually work in pencil, pastels or charcoal but I occasionally work in acrylic, oil, ceramics and ink. I make fanart, you can check it out on my fandom blog @samthebirdbae! My specialty is Bucky’s glorious long hair.
Mod Annie
what’s up i don’t know how to use the cool drop down description kinda formatting bc i suck at tumblr also i hate using caps for anything. I’m a bi 18 (almost 19) year old from texas. she/her pronouns. I’m a figure skater and dancer. basically the best description for me is just child of preserum steve and natasha, as im actually very russian but im like 5'1 and have a list of health problems as long as my arm. you may or may not know me as that one black widow cosplayer who met sebastian last year and asked him to choke her. kinda problematic, i know, but also highkey awesome even though i definitely would not repeat. I’m currently not in school although I’m debating between possibly going into massage therapy or cosmetology. I was homeschooled and I grew up in like The Most Conservative christian home so i wasn’t allowed to listen to music or read books or watch any movies unless they were pre approved by my mom, and she was picky with even the stuff from the christian book store sooooo,,,, i didn’t really get into marvel or music or ANYTHING until i was about sixteen and i was finally allowed to use the internet and have a phone but after i finally watched the cap movies about a year and a half to two years ago I immediately fell in love and started shipping stevebucky. as I am a history NUT ofc my fav era is 40s pre/mid war. it’ll definitely show in my recs. I do write as well but i switch back and forth between stevebucky and harry styles fics and rn i don’t have nearly enough time to do either one between work and sports. (I am out rn over a knee injury that might end up requiring surgery so idk. maybe I’ll get The Time.)
Mod Blue
Hello, I’m a librarian from Belgium and the best part about my job is helping people to find what they’re looking for or to answer any question they might have to make their day a little easier. That goes from helping them find books and articles to helping them figure out where their class room is or how they’re supposed to make copies and prints. I’m delighted that I get to do a little more of the same here at the Stucky Library.
Mod Dee
hey friends~ my name is dee, i’m 21, and i’m from new zealand. (she/her.) i’m a history and mythology nerd and know a little too much about booby traps used in the vietnam war? oops. (i promise it’s from fic related research.) i have three cats and four dogs and a niece and they’re all like. the lights of my life tbh. i’m not currently studying, though i’m toying with the idea, now that i’ve found somewhere that actually offers creative writing as a full degree.
i started shipping stucky quite recently, like, probably early-2016, after i abruptly left my main fandom, and saw CA:TWS for the first time. it was like my eyes had been opened, and it was pretty magical tbh. i’ve been into marvel for a lot longer than that (since like 2012, i think) and ngl, my first love was tony stark. (do yall get leavers’ hoodies when you finish high school? we did. i got “stark” printed on mine in place of my own name. little did i know, that was only the beginning of my ventures in marvel fandom.)
within fandom, i’m a fic writer, and pretty much everything i write is au. (which u can find on my personal @jjjakesully if u so desire lmao) about 90% of what i read within fandom is au as well, because i like the idea of “no matter our circumstances, i’d still find and love you in each and every lifetime” and wow that sounds gooey but you get the point. this isn’t the first rec blog i’ve worked on, so like i have seen things and little of what you ask is going to shock me lmao.
Mod Julia
hi, guys! i’m julia (she/her), 24, english teacher from brazil. always tired, always anxious, always crying about stevebucky. i have a deep love for books and tiny fluffy animals.
i read my very first ever stucky fic the night after i saw catws at the theater. in an ~unforeseen turn of events, it totally took over my life. it was love at first ‘mistaken identity’ story, and i haven’t looked back since.
i’m also a fic writer! i’ve been writing for this pairing since 2015, and you can find all of that on my tumblr @hawkguyz. i’m particularly fond of AUs and tooth-rotting fluff. :D
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swampgallows · 7 years
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really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.
and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).
raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).
plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 
my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”
like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it
currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 
since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.
like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).
but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.
i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?
i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 
i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.
i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.
from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.
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cotton-corduroy · 7 years
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1-65 go wild
hooooly shit ok
1: Do you have a crush at the moment?
kinda??? my heart is dumb and lonely haH
2: Have you ever been deeply in love?you have no idea how in love i was with my last partner. he was such a good guy :)) i dont get anxious when i think about him any more but im certain i wont get over him? but i dont mind. he was just a fantastic person n i cant wait to see him over spring break!!!! 
3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?
…8 months????? idk i cant count
4: Have you ever changed for someone?
i have bpd i change for everyone lol
5: How is your relationship with your ex?
ive only got a semi-decent relationship w jono. all the other ones want me dead because i used to hide my hurt with anger. needless to say i’d like to formally apologise but who wants to bring up relationships again?
6: Have you ever been cheated on?
unfortunately, i have.
7: Have you ever cheated?
no im a decent human being lol. 
8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?
NO HAH. 
9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?
communications and good jokes :))
10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
serious relationships are fun but flings also have their place! i’m a lot better at handling flings than relationships tbh? like its fun with no strings attached and just make out with someone. 
11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?
i dunno- ive never been on a break??
12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?
one hAH 
13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?
i regret kissing one of my exes? he was such a bad kisser it was hilarious
14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?
i dunno?? as long as they’re educated enough i think its ok??? probably at least highschool-age?? 
15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?
Not really??? most people use that phrase when one person is 16 and the other is 50 and thats Nasty.
16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?
i fell in love with bowie the second i saw him- so yes.
17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?
dude hell yeah! 
18: What do you consider a deal breaker?
agressive possessiveness 
19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?
i dont. 
20: Are you currently in a relationship?
nope!
21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?
dude of course! as long as you give the person time to heal and stuff- it should be good!
22: Do you think people should date their friends?
who else are you going to date??? 
23: How many relationships have you had?
ive dated 6 people but ive had 5 relationships, if that makes sense! i was in a poly triangle and that was fun
24: Do you think love can last forever?
if it doesn’t, you doing it wrong my dear.
25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?
not really??? this sounds lowkey abusive. like “he hits me but he says he loves me and love cnquers all”
26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?
not at all! i do so much shit that my parents dont approve of and they dont notice bc they hate me
27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?
hmmm… probably “dont date tobi” hAH im bitter 
28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?
mhm! long distance relationships are harsh but i feel like if you’re strong enough it can work :’)
29: What do you notice first about another person?
eye colour! im a sucker for eyes its ridiculous
30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?
im gay and ace, lads.
31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?
i have 5 major mental illnesses if i say no am i hypocritical
32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
ive been in two. vince just doesn’t learn apparently
33: Do you want to get married one day?
sure! i gotta stay in the country somehow ;P
34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?
thats…. a bit Much tbh. a friend of mine has his wife’s name tattooed on his ring finger instead of a ring tho! that’s pretty sweet
35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?
literally all my relationships have had no sex i think i can manage. 
36: Are you still a virgin?
define “virgin”, nonny. 
37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?
Personality!!! :D can’t have a good conversation with someone if they’re all looks and end up being a white supremisist
38: Do you enjoy love films?
fuck yeah i do! Love Actually is my all time favourite movie.
39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?
no :(((((( i’d love to get someone flowers though!!! i gave someone a succulent once if that counts
40: Have you ever had a valentine?
nope :((
41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?
hmmmm…. probably going down to the woods and having a picnic! we could take pictures and cloud gaze and play Pooh Sticks.
42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?
kinda? i know the storyline andi read a litttttle but i havent just sat down and finished reading
43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?
partner, usually. i have a system that my brain organises people in and sig figs end up on a different tier. its kinda confusing?
44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?
oh my god you have no idea. i could write essays about how much i loved someone if they let me (and it’d be in MLA format bc i hate myself). im just really observant.
45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?
OH BOY COULD I??? theres like 3 atm i h8 myself.
46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?
i hate this term- and it happened once but we’re still chill af so its alright! and im okay!
47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?
iman and bowie. iconic power couple
48: What’s your favorite love song?
these ones! x x and xthey’re such lovely songs and i cant wait to have someone to think of when i hear them
49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
not that… im aware of??? nobodys told me but i wouldnt be surprised bc im trash
50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?
oh Boyim possessive, ugly, compulsive, ugly, dumb, ugly, obsessive, clingy, ugly, and i cant hold a conversation! did i mention im ugly? i also dont know how to talk about my feelings about liking someone and keep them bottled up until i try to kill myself over it bc its too much and im ugly
51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?
???? wtf kind of question is this. this question evokes capitalist propaganda and i dont promote it. who willingly dates a douchebag
52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?
apparently? i know a lot from reading books, and everyone comes to me for advice anyway so i dont have much of a choice
53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?
not at all- unless i have a crush on someone
54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?
i dont like hiding my relationship at all from anybody- its just too harsh and can damper the relationship. i like being official but i’m not going to rub it in someones face if i can help it
55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?
yeah, not gonna lie. i dont think those are bad things tho? at least the first two!
56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?
do my own count?
57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?
honey my dear all i do is consider suicide. i did have about a month breakdown after my breakup and nearly jump off an interstate multiple times )just me trying to cope it was Bad) but i found booze and drugs and now im chillin’
58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?
submissive probably? who knows! i dont!
59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?
nope! i write them down on stickies and leave them on my door :))
60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?
dude im all for open relationships. i used to be against them personally (like of course im gonna support them but they werent for me) but now im like ??? sure why not? theres a certain place for monogomy and polyamory- it all depends on the partner. idk ive never had a go at it but im down for anything
61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?
my partner hAH i hate my family and they hate me 
62: How do you define “cheating”?
doing romantic things with someone you aren’t dating without your partner’s prior consent
63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?
no??? why would it be???
64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?
YEAH its capitalist propaganda but its ok bc love is fake it was created by the government
65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?
all i do is cuddle its disgusting
thanks for the ask holy fucking shit. id say send me a number but this nonny beat me to it!
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