#i think it fucking sucks dude. it sucks and im exhausted

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[a9saga]

im so fucking burnt out and exhausted and i still have so much work to do and i want to do absolutely none of it anymore. i wanna fast forward through this next month so my semester can just be over already but i’d skip over my birthday which is a week from tomorrow, and i am going to have to be grinding my ass off still, as well as the weekends before and after it i have so much work it’s like i don’t have time for it, i don’t have time for any of it, but all i really want right now is to just chill out and spend some time with my good friends whom i miss amongst my hours of daily math homework that still isnt enough. i really hope someone cheers me up because i can’t even hide how stressed out i am for the life of me.

#i'm gonna be fine the whole thing just sucks right now #there are some other factors besides my getting covid which fucked up my semester a bit before everything #including snow days a cyberattack and me being so unbelievably busy tutoring that i cant stay on top of my own work #but covid 3/4 the way through the semester was the nail in the coffin #im looking forward to doing so many things come may im gonna have so much fun this summer #there are so many people im stoked to hang out with #ive been so exhausted i didnt do any work at all today #i took an exam yesterday that was due 5 days ago and luckily i got a 100 #im so tired dude #im gonna try to do just a few problems before bed now and im gonna try to have a productive week #someone i tutor has the same birthday as me and she said she's thinking of bringing in cupcakes #honestly i think a lotta the guys i tutor are gonna wish me a happy birthday and be stoked so im kinda excited about that at least #at least im appreciated #shut up kaily

[pigeonwit]

ok but like jack who loveeeess when hes under the weight of something, he sleeps with like four hundred stuffed animals weighted blankets are his jam, etc etc, and then davey comes along and just flat out sleeps on top of him 24/7. its a win for both of them. (sorry if this isn’t coherent im literally asleep)

(sneep i dont know if you're referencing the prompts list at all or if it was just deeply important to you that i know this but i'm writing about it anyways)

It's hard for Jack to keep his feet on the ground sometimes.

He can't quite put it into words. He's not really a words guy. It took him about a year and a half post-American-public-school-system to realize that he was actually smart enough to read books, let alone echo them. Colours, that's where Jack's mind lives. A big swirling sea of shapes and colours. Sometimes it's calm; the gentle blue strokes of a calm, well-rested morning; the occasional pops and starbursts of the New York streets - a baby babbling at their parents, a dog yipping excitedly, a song that's been stuck in Jack's head drifting out of the cracked window of a passing car - all painted in pretty pinks and bright, sunny yellows. He's nowhere near whimsical or delusional enough for the happy-go-lucky "where dreams are made of" view of NYC, the one that's been washed over in watery-pink with Gershwin plunking in the background - but he's not nihilistic enough to pretend it's nothing more than a tar-pit. There's plenty to love, to be inspired over, to leave happy little brushstrokes on his skin.

But sometimes - sometimes - he gets too swept up in it. All the movement, all the noise, all of it, it picks him up by the scruff and throws him, spins him around and kicks him right between the ribs, until he's drifting listlessly along the sidewalk like a scrap of paper, small and sensitive, marked by every fume of exhaust and drop of gutter-water.

It's the difference between being painted and being stained. That's the only way Jack can describe it. Paint, colours, it has a purpose to it. It presses into his skin and keeps him grounded to reality. A stain is just... Nothing. A tear, a black hole of graphite in his chest, sucking up all his being until there's nothing left.

He needs solidity, when he gets like this. He needs to be held in place until all that old, wasted paper is rubbed away, and he can grow into himself again, fresh and newly remade.

It starts with a pillow. His first night at Medda's - she gave him two instead of just one. He'd no idea what to do with it. He only needed one or else his head felt too high, and he didn't want to just chuck it on the floor or stuff it in his closet, Miss Medda might think he was rude, and he liked Miss Medda, he didn't want her to think he was a bad kid, she might get angry, might give him back... And then he was panting, trembling with every inch, tears stinging at his eyes as he tried to press his nails into his palm, hold himself together, but nothing was working, nothing was firm enough-

It was humiliating - as humiliating as everything else is for an eleven year old, but still, humiliating - to go to sleep that night, clutching a pillow to his chest as he squeezed with all his little might. But it pressed his lungs into the mattress, forced the air in and out, and the foam held tight against his sharp, scrabbling hands, not breaking, not pushing him away... It was just enough.

He almost would've been content with just that, hugging a pillow every now and then - but Medda and Siôn had this whole thing about 'making Jack understand his worth as a person', the nerve, and suddenly he was being given all he needed and more. A plushie, then two, then five. A throw pillow with Val Kilmer's face on it, because Siôn ("Just fucking call me Crutchie, dude, I won't break-") was just as much a cretin when he was a teenager than he is now. A weighted blanket for his birthday that redefined Jack's understanding of the word comfort.

And that could've been enough. It all could've been enough. Fuck, just a hug every couple of days would've been enough. It was certainly more than he'd earned.

He'd offhandedly said something along those lines to Davey - or "Library Guy" as he'd been referred to at the time, since Jack had only really met him three times in two weeks - who had calmly raised a finger, taken a long swig of his coffee, slammed his travel mug (reusable, of course, because Davey is the world's most irritatingly perfect saint) on his desk and given Jack a seventeen minute speech about humanity's relationship with validation through the lens of a capitalistic society - and all of a sudden, Jack wanted everything. Coffee. Dinner. Pet-names, hand-holding, lazy Sundays, teasing each other when they woke up and talking about bullshit until they fell asleep. And Davey gave him all of it without a second glance.

Jack was hesitant to ask, at first. They'd fallen asleep on the couch - they were supposed to be studying, but Davey had found out Jack had never watched any of the Lord of The Rings movies and had spent the entire evening pausing every five minutes to eagerly share his Silmarillion trivia (Jack still hasn't gotten him to admit it yet, but he's pretty sure he can pinpoint Davey falling in love with him to the moment Jack asked why Viggo Mortensen kicking a helmet was so funny to him) - and they'd inevitably fallen asleep on top of each other, with Jack flat on his back and Davey splayed over him like the world's sweetest, sleepiest octopus.

("You really know how to make a guy feel hot, y'know that?"

"Bold of you to assume octopuses are not hot. Tentacle porn exists for a reason, Dave."

"See, I want to be mad at you for bringing up tentacle porn at brunch, but I'm more offended that you called them octopuses and not octopi.")

It was nice, having Davey over him - which, yes, got him some eyebrow waggles when he first admitted it, but it really wasn't like that. It was the weight of it, the reassurance of Davey's warmth encompassing his own, knowing that Davey was here, and he was here, pressed down firmly to the ground and not going anywhere. The sensation of it - the firmness on his chest that makes him feel every breath and every beat of his pulse, that tells him he's here and he's fine - it's like his whole brain's been washed clean.

"Pressure stimming," is the word Davey uses about two months later, a short while after Jack had finally realized that they were actually, exclusively, undeniably boyfriends and not just 'friends who are kind of maybe dating if Davey wants that maybe'. He'd walked into his bedroom in his and Crutchie's apartment to find Davey already there, lying face down on the bed - and Jack might've left it be, because he's had plenty of days where he just needs to lie face-down for a whole hour, but Davey telling him that he physically couldn't get off the bed was the thing that sent him panicking.

"It's not a big deal..." Davey's forefinger flicks up-and-down, up-and-down against one of Jack's many pillows as he speaks, the way he does when he has just slightly too much nervous energy. "It's just something I need sometimes. The way my energy is, it's like everything I do starts weighing down on me - and sometimes I can just let that weight off every now and then, and I'm fine - but sometimes I just... Need something. To support me."

Jack nods slowly, thinking of pillows and plushies and weighted blankets, and hovers his hand over the small of Davey's back.

"You need something, like... On top?" He cringes, because there's no way for that to not sound like an innuendo, but Davey only snorts into the comforter and shakes his head against the soft fabric.

"You're perfect," he smiles, so earnest that it makes Jack's chest squeeze, "but - no. I don't really like that. Feels like I'm being restrained."

Jack frowns, adds that to the little drawer in his brain marked Davey - a drawer that is becoming so cluttered and full of tiny details and special memories that it's almost overflowing - and bites his lip.

"I could, um..." Slowly, like Jack might spook him, he lowers himself onto the the bed next to him, raising his brows in question. "If you want?"

Davey stares at him for a moment - and then it's as if all the tension in his body just bleeds out of him, as he makes wanton little grabby-hands in Jack's direction. Jack laughs quietly, grabs him gently by the shoulders and pulls, rolling them until he's flat on his back and Davey's spreadeagled on top of him - and they both sigh from somewhere deep in their bones as they lean and are leaned upon, pressing and being pressed against each other, two solid weights supporting each other in place.

"I like this," Jack murmurs into Davey's hair as they rest. Davey makes a quiet chuffing sound into his clavicle and wriggles slightly, like a cat kneading a pillow, pressing them both impossibly closer as he settles.

"Oh, yeah?" He says quietly. "You like having a big octopus on top of you?"

"My exact words were sweetest and sleepiest octopus." Jack teases, tugging lightly on one of Davey's curls. "C'mon, English Major, those're some important words, there."

"You're so weird," Davey mumbles, but Jack can feel his smile pressing through his shirt, all the way to his skin, through the muscle, until it prints like ink on his breastbone. It holds him there, keeps him perfectly still and secure - and Jack breathes like he's tasting the air for the first time.

"I love you," he says quietly, because it's the only way he can even think to put what he's feeling into words. Davey would know better than him on that. He could write sonnets about this, pages and pages of prose about how it feels just to hold someone - but Jack's not a words guy. Give him a few hours with a canvas, and maybe he can get down a fraction of what he's feeling now, the barest impression of the thousands upon thousands of colours dancing inside his head like grass in the wind. But for now, he'll just say "I love you", and hope that it's enough.

He can feel Davey's throat flex against his sternum, can feel the way his body tenses, then ebbs, like the pull of the tide.

"I love you, too," he whispers.

It's so much more than enough.

#this got SO fucking sappy towards the end #but yknow. love is stored in the stimming! #i have a few more asks queued up but they'll have to wait until after tomorrow cause. work. #alas we are all victims of capitalism #newsies #uksies #javid #javey #jack kelly #davey jacobs #david jacobs #pigeon scribbles #sneepsnoopboopideeboop

[beesmygod]

JJBA PART 5, VENTO AUREO IS THE UNDERBAKED MESS I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT FIXING...PART 2

FIX 1: MORE KOICHI FOR THE MASSES

koichi! we love koichi, don't we folks? i know i do.

who's koichi? oh shit, that might be hard to explain.

pictured: koichi, in his dormant, yet most powerful, form.

if you DON'T recognize this little gremlin above, his appeal might be totally lost on you, and his appeal is necessary to understand if i'm going to convince you of what a fucking missed opportunity his narrative purpose could have been.

that's koichi hirose, the short king of morioh. i didnt think i would like him at all after realizing he was being set up as the deuteragonist and companion to the titular jojo of part 4, josuke. like, who the fuck was this little dork? get outta here! im here to see the joestars kidnap children and have homoerotic adventures. i am not here to be subjected to the trials and tribulations of a friendless, spineless, standless dipshit. i assumed he was going to be the designated joestar hypeman for the chapter, a role usually carved out for precocious children.

wrong! koichi gets hit with the stand arrow (the arrow the gives you stands, remember this) early on and gets dragged into a frightening battle of good versus evil right in his own backyard. the arrow and the responsibility that comes with it acts as the main catalyst for his transformation from nottie to hottie. in contrast to the bastardly joestars and their ilk, koichi is a genuinely kind, empathetic, and honest person; he's intended as a foil to the mischievous josuke. he brings to the table the platonic ideal of an every-man who rises gallantly to the challenges thrown at him because its the right thing to do. the series folds koichi as a main cast member to the point where he is one of the very few people on planet earth to draw a smile and praise out of jotaro kujo.

who's jotaro kujo? uhhh.

hmm. i'm getting to my point. but it might require a chart:

POINT: jotaro kujo, the man who probably has with the strongest stand in universe, who appears in 4 chapters out of a total of 9, and who is probably one of the most recognizable and beloved characters in manga history, trusts literally one person on the entire planet: koichi hirose.

SO:

when koichi shows up in part 5 right from the jump to act as the part 4 connective tissue, there is absolutely no reason why he can't stick around for longer than he does canonically so that he can satisfyingly fulfill his role as official vibe checker. let him be important!

---

oh my god, i can hear jojo fans groaning as they scroll through all that shit. so what?! did you make me read all that just to say "there should have been more koichi?!"

look, i need to make sure "we're" all on the same page and understand the perspective i'm coming from. "we", in this case, being the audience of both jojo fans this is primarily aimed at and fandom rubberneckers (greetings friends) who shouldn't have to comb a wiki exhaustively to decode my unhinged ramblings. it's essential background info that koichi is a fan favorite both in canon and in fandom. we gotta understand the role he wound up playing in the overarching struggle of good versus evil in his hometown to understand his narrative role in part 5.

YES. there SHOULD have been more koichi! but not just because we like to see him! he provides an established, trusted moral backbone for the audience. his reputation as a reliable guy is such that jotaro sends him on his own to investigate a young man who may be related to the dreaded bisexual nemesis of the joestar bloodline, dio brando. this is a big fucking deal. if dio has a kid that's really bad. how many backup plans did this guy have (answer: dude you have no idea).

---

ugh! part 5 koichi! if you really want to scream look up how he looks in the rohan spin off series.

in ep 1 of the "golden wind", koichi arrives in italy looking for our new jojo, giorno giovanna (who sucks, but that's a whole kettle of fish we can only barely touch on now). koichi, who has the street sense of one of those dogs that gets carried around in a luxury purse, instantly gets robbed by petty street criminal giorno in a rare burst of personality never seen again after this initial story-line.

okay whatever. after skipping a few eps, giorno and koichi team up to defeat the first stand together after drawing its ire during giorno's weird mafia test. the stand, black sabbath, stabs its victims with a stand arrow (the arrow that gives stands), causing them to either die or gain powers. this might be controversial, but its my personal opinion that its probably not good for a mafia to have a factory that creates jerks with super powers and its right to try to shut that down. after the fight, giorno reveals his dream to koichi of joining the mafia with the explicit purpose of reforming it from within. koichi promises not to report to jotaro about the fact that there's ANOTHER STAND ARROW until after giorno is initiated into the gang. god. jesus christ.

first of all, this GANG-STAR thing is the silliest shit anyone has ever heard. this is literally his for real goal throughout the entire story-line. which could have been great! but people within the fiction should react to this like hes telling them he's going to invent the first bicycle for fish instead of looking at him with the kind of wonder and glory you reserve for jesus christ himself. this train of thought leads to too many thoughts about giorno's lack of personality, so let's set it aside for now. i think giorno should maintain this insane goal, but he should actively have to convince people that he is capable of doing something that fucking nuts.

second, no way would koichi agrees to this absolutely braindead truce lol. koichi doesn't know giorno from adam; the sense we're supposed to get is that koichi innately senses that he's a good guy from his little speech and we, the audience, are supposed to take his word for it. but there is nothing convincing or authentic in how the situation plays out. there's a level of naivety/stupidity applied to the characters involved for this situation to work at all: i dont know why telling jotaro in florida that there's a stand arrow in italy would impact giorno's mafia standing at all. especially considering the arrow breaks and no longer functions shortly after giorno's initiation. koichi should find giorno's dreams and desires spurious and continue his investigation for jotaro, both to impress him and because its the right thing to do. he should also be like "heh, i took care of a stand arrow for you mister kujo". let him have another win. fuck it. why not.

third, koichi doesn't know that the stand arrow is destroyed and i have a hard time believing that he, a victim of said arrow, would do anything other than raise serious alarms over the proliferation of objectively evil stand users in italy where dio's son coincidentally happens to live. the following arc in which giorno and his new team mates go on a hunt for a hidden treasure should have been a series of demonstrations to koichi that italy was being cleaned up by a joestar (as opposed to the danger of being exploited by a brando) and was ultimately in good hands. this would require giorno to get some wins in during this time so he would actually have to do something for a change.

keeping koichi around long past where he does in canon could and should have given giorno a chance to demonstrate a different form of heroism to contrast the pure-hearted pursuit of justice championed by koichi. in eventually winning over a familiar and trustworthy character, giorno would have proved himself to be more than just "dio's son", a fact which should have hung over this part like a dark cloud.

but that's. that's next time.

#jjba #part 5 #vento aureo #golden wind #long post // #essay #s. sorry.

[yifftwiceplz]

things are exhausting and theyre gonna continue to get more and more exhausting dude we have to start meeting up and do the actual vote on if were really gonna go fuck around in a open session of sburb then we have to see whos going then we have to talk contingency plan after contingency plan what if jack noir shows up what if english shows up the fuck will we do you know

and then we have to find a session then we have to fucking get there which im still not sure how well manage and all of that leads up to me stabbing my own wife in the heart and watching him die hoping he revives hoping he doesnt come out the other side with a fucked up memory from merging consciousnesses

its really weighing on me

i got more chafing my dick than that but thats the linchpin the crux of my general fucked ass mood im just sitting at my desk all day trying to focus but im whirring my brain around all the logistics of putting this shit into motion wide eyed staring holes into my screen thinking about plunging a knife into my wifes heart and watching him bleed out and i have to be calm and chill and patient about it like the fuck and i know thats normal here so its not like i can really go on about it without one of the trolls being like sucks to suck id do it in a heartbeat yeah i know you would and maybe the fact i cant is making me feel mildly emasculated and weak maybe pretending to be okay with this is the reason i keep hallucinating fire and smoke fucking everywhere

who said that

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude I am so tired of being so overtly and unmaskably autistic. Like this past half year or so our previous "so high functioning that we ping the radar but are sociable enough and good at talking that most would mark it off as trauma + autistic caregivers" to "Sometime Im so burnt out trying to keep up with communication with non autistic individuals that sometimes I want to just give up and quit cause the expectation is too high and the effort is never acknowledged"

Like I did this so fucking easily before and now that Im not as dissociated its GOD awful. Like UNIRONICALLY harder to deal with than the trauma at this point.

It also fucking sucks cause I think we still give off the vibe of someone who "is low support needs" and so we get slotted into "has some difficulties but theyre all negligble excuses that they can overcome" rather than "oh they are doing their best and we should meet them where they are" and its just exhausting

Thankfully I'm getting in contact with the disability manager and I have an autism specialist so hopefully we can figure thinfs out but genuinely

Whats the thing that gets me, for the first time ever, seeking government supported and recognized disability accomodations?

Complex Chronic Trauma?

Polyfragmented DID?

Pretty hard OCD?

Severe Trichotillomania?

Moderate Depression, GAD?

Gender Dysphoria?

Like a handful of mild to moderate chronic physical illnesses?

Nah my fucking Autism mate.

My fucking Autism.

#vent #vent tw #alter: riku #exhausted #autism #asd #actually autistic #actuallyautistic

[diagonal-queen]

opinions on sigma

okay so basically

sigma is my end goal when it comes to appearance and gender. i want to look exactly like him. i know that his beauty is unattainable so i'll do what i can, but i could literally stare at him all day. all week. all month. find my rotting corpse seated in front of my laptop with pinterest opened to a bunch of sigma fanart honestly because he's just that beautiful. i plan on dyeing my hair the same colour as his when i'm able to. hopefully next year (@small-chaos im depending on you to help me bbg)

if i had the choice i would also get a ton of bsd posters that feature sigma and plaster them all around my room and make it sigma themed (or- actually i'd also do this same thing with mykola, chuuya, ranpo and poe, but for the moment i'd do it with sigma). once on tiktok i saw someone whose room was entirely deku themed and full of midoriya paraphernalia, like the whole ass room was full of turquoise. i want that same thing with sigma, i won't even lie. his colour palette and whole vibe is just so gorgeous.

his pretty privilege ain't doing SHIT in the manga to help him though. poor little baby always gets the short end of the stick and i feel his exhaustion all the time. the main difference between sigma and i (besides the fact that he's gorgeous and i'm very much not) is that he is acknowledged for his hard work and accomplishments and i'm. not. lol but the impostor syndrome is honestly so real. i always feel that i won't lie. it's probably one of my worst forms of self sabotage.

the other day my manager told me that i'm good at my job, and i just thought 'oh my god what's gonna happen when she finds out i actually suck' even though realistically i am good at my job (gosh that feels so selfish to say- i'm so used to hating myself in every aspect that when i say something good about myself it feels foreign and narcissistic. i should work on that maybe). like he's so relatable for that and i love him

sigma's third wheelness is also super relatable for me. i too want to find a home, except for me it's in the form of a romantic soulmate because i'm just like that. (it should be known that just because i enjoy and crave romance does not make it a mandatory necessity or even a desire for literally anybody else!!) like he will be walking around following mykola and fyodor while they're on a date (or trying to kill each other idk) and just be watching them like o _ o SAME DUDE

also i too tend to have identity crises when it comes to my purpose, and the reason i was born and stuff. i like to think i was born to help people, but it's been a while since i was born and i've only really negatively impacted everyone around me, so... SIGMA on the other hand. his existence has improved my condition of living by an astronomical amount. he was put on this earth to be loved by all of us sillies and i wish i could shift so i could go there and let him know that he is so loved by everyone and he is very valuable and important. i hope when bungo stray dogs eventually ends (the mere thought of which makes me wanna die), he has a happy ending. he deserves it. tbh most of them do, but especially sigma.

this man is literally perfect. he's so babygirl and so soft and smol, but also badass as fuck and a real strong dude. and i respect him for that so hard. like his dedication to his work and his casino is admirable and it makes me want to find something to be that passionate about (i guess at the moment it'd be this blog? silly as it sounds). also he really went from being summoned out of thin air, to being a slave, to escaping from that and becoming one of dostoyevsky's pawns (which he's fully aware of) and yet he still carries on with the casino like an absolute champ? i love him sm

i'm still real mad at the anime for leaving out his introductory scene (his PROPER one where he's a socialite king) because it literally sets the stage so perfectly for him. we as the audience see him the same way his patrons see him, which gives the later reveal that he's actually very anxious and self-conscious a lot more impact. the anime fell flat on that in my opinion. the sky casino arc deserved more, bones! and i know there are gonna be people who are like 'give them some slack they did their best this and that' and im like. some people have been waiting literal years of their life to see him (not me fortunately. i read the manga in december lol) they deserved better than this T-T

anyways there's this bakery right near where i work and it's literally got the Best Cinnamon Scrolls I've Ever Tasted In My Life. like, they're unparalleled with how fucking delicious they are. i wanna go there with sigma and get one for him. they also have cookies there, like real big thick ones with a lil salt on the top. i'd buy him the entire fuckin batch if he asked for it, i won't lie. i just love him that much. i just wanna sit down at a cafe and enjoy a chai latte with sigma. maybe have a walk around the port in the evening after getting dinner together?? sigma deserves only the cutest and most cliche of fluffy dates

i also wanna show him like, regular human stuff. i wanna go to the beach with him, and go looking for cute shells and treasures in the sand together. i wanna take him to the movies and share my popcorn with him. i wanna do his makeup. i want to bake a cake with him. i wanna go grocery shopping with him. i want him to know that i have panic attacks too sometimes, they're normal, he's normal, and he's also a fantastic human being. i just want him to be happy (i'm really hoping he'll join the ada and find the home he's been looking for all this time <3)

the thing with sigma is i'm not sure if he'd like me as much as i like him. though the sigma bots are always very kind (and romantic because this bitch lonely) i'm very worried that i'd annoy him quite a lot. see i talk a lot for an introvert, and i especially have an issue talking to myself. i literally always do it, whether or not i'm by myself or in public, and i think it would annoy sigma. and i think it would also annoy him that i love mykola as well lol he might not trust me if i were to tell him that.

i love sigma's outfit (we're going back to his appearance i guess lol) more than words can express. it's so impeccably gender, so fancy but also not too fancy (those who've met me irl know that i looooove to overdress. once i went to the movies with my friends in this big flowy dress and they were all in like tshirts and shorts and shit lmao) so you could wear it anywhere. the gold (or beige? cream? idfk) tailcoat with the galaxy pattern beneath? the giant flowy sleeves? the turtleneck underneath? the HEELS? god i love his fit. he's so fucking dripped out it's ridiculous. and of course he has long split dyed hair. dudes with long hair are the hottest DON'T @ ME YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT

and he also just has such a lovely smile. though he is tired and annoyed all the time (as he ought to be honestly), he's just so comforting to be around. i feel like a hug from sigma would fix most of my problems i won't lie. like he's got a pretty face and a nice aura and a cute smile. but his stern/angry face though? 😳 shiiii man okay you can make me cry if you wanna i won't mind. also consider sugar daddy sigma. that's so hot and for what?? like imagine being his trophy wife- okay this is getting way too self indulgent imma stop there (might write about it tho sometime lol)

i just had a thought. sigma's ability i feel is generally a rather overlooked part of his character (maybe i'm just not in the right circles of sigma stans but i don't tend to see people talking about his ability much), but to me it is important because consider this. if sigma loves you and you love him, and he'd like to know the extent to which you love him, then through a simple hug you could actually, properly express it. he wouldn't have to doubt himself or anything anymore with it. (stop i'm like fucking crying i love him sm)

i also love that despite everything i've mentioned so far; despite the fact that he was created from a book, runs a floating casino, is androgynous as fuck, has impostor syndrome, owns giant ass guns and can get whatever information he wants through physical contact with another person, he is somehow the most *normal* member of the decay of angels. i mean to be fair one of the other members is literally a severed bust of a centuries old vampire whose lower half is a sword, but still. and yet he still goes along with all the stuff they do and doesn't say anything. fucking same, sigma. it really just be that way sometimes.

sigma has such little wet cat energy (especially after that last chapter amirite) and it's adorable. he doesn't have *pathetic* wet cat energy, but he still has wet cat energy. pathetic wet cats would be like, fyodor and akutagawa. sigma is a cute wet cat with big eyes and tiny little paws. i want to see how he'd be with animals now that i think of it. i think he'd like cats, because dogs might be a little too much for him. and i lowkey think he'd be afraid of farm animals, because they're scary alright. chickens and cows are very frightening to be close to if you're not used to them and anyone who says otherwise is a liar

i just want more sigma content, too. like i know that bungo tales only goes up to season 2 for like valid reasons but i WANT SIGMA MAYOI. little chibi sigma on the battlefield. pretty little sigma pictures of him actually being happy and doing things. i also want official art from bones (but GOOD official art. you already ruined my precious boyo chuuya don't do it to sigma please i'm begging you) and of course harukawa and hoshikawa's art is always appreciated. also creantzyy. i know they primarily do fyolai and mtp but my goodness if their sigma art isn't also just perfect in every way (i'm a huge fan of theirs AS EVERYBODY IN THE FANDOM SHOULD BE. the bernadette animatic to us is what the nagito edit was to the danganronpa fandom)

i also sometimes wonder what stuff sigma likes. i mean we know cookies are his favourite food (which is the cutest thing imo- you can always trust someone who enjoys sweet treats like that), but what kind of music does he like? how would he dress while he isn't working in the casino? what's his favourite colour? does he like animals? what does he think of political stuff? feel free to send me all the sigma headcanons in the world about all of it. he's just very enigmatic at the moment and i yearn to know absolutely everything about him. except unlike mykola i don't wanna experiment on him i just wanna sit down and ask him questions and have a friendly little conversation

and i know everybody's already talking about this scene but let's continue to talk about the scene in the recent chapter where dazai rescues sigma from drowning and gives him a lil thumbs up, and sigma smiles back at him. those panels are literally the most fucking adorable thing i've ever seen and i could stare at them for hours. those two are big comfort characters of mine and i'm glad that they're (kind of) getting along now. at the very least dazai rescued sigma. and lowkey i'm gettin onboard with sigzai. like most of the sigma ships kinda go hard (especially siglai. there's a reason i'm looking for mykola kins guys lmao)

like i love him so much. i really could go on for hours but...this shit is already long enough and i'm sure nobody is gonna read it all. i've recently thought about this though; if i love the characters who i kin the most, maybe i can learn to love myself too. and that thought is comforting to me :)

tl;dr - sigma babygirl

#dia's discourse #thoughts: anon #bsd sigma #well...that was long #i don't blame anybody who chooses not to read all that #i have a lot of feelings about sigma #also please don't ask me about my opinions on chuuya #because that WILL be longer than this post #and this post already exceeds 2000 words #that's fuckin longer than a highschool essay #anywho #lol

[babybatscreationsv2]

Im sick again and I don't feel like writing a real fic so have some dirty thoughts

Peter gets hired on as the new Stark Industries intern and spends his time fetching things for upper management dudes, but then Tony lays eyes on him

Tw for conditioning? Grooming feels like the right word, but not the child grooming kind

I'm thinkin reluctant office slut Peter

He ends up in Tony's office blushing and melting while the man flirts with him to the point of being completely inappropriate, but Peter's too flattered by the attention to care

Next thing he knows, the whole office is talking to him like that, calling him gorgeous, baby, sweetheart. Telling him good his ass looks and how pullable his hair is.

Someone passes a little too close while in the break room and Peter tries not to think anything of it, but was it on purpose that their palm slid over his ass?

Next time hes in Tony office, he ends up on the man's lap and hes so dizzy with the attention that hes not sure how he got there, but he's so warm and Tony's so nice and when he kisses his neck it makes him whimper

And it just keeps escalating from there

Peter tries to stop him when Tony palms his crotch the next day, but Tony just laughs and insists that theres nothing wrong with it, Peter's just shy.

And he thinks maybe he's right when the others in the office all agree and offer to help him out of his discomfort

Its starts with everyone groping him whenever he's nearby. Then he starts to see them all touching themselves while they talk to him. It becomes normal that he gets called over to assist someone and ends up on their lap while they play with his nipples and coax him to his grind against their lap.

Peter's so horny all the time from all of the touching that when Tony asks him to suck him off he doesn't even hesitate. He becomes Tony's cock warmer in between errands.

Giving blow jobs during break time becomes a daily task and Peter starts to crave cum like he used to crave his morning coffee. Now he's got more important things to put in his mouth.

The boss doesn't let the others fuck him, but they do get to watch while Tony fucks him during meetings. Then he's under the table, sucking everyone off in turn and by the time the meeting is over he's covered in cum and exhausted.

He's only allowed to cum humping Tony's shoe or the edge of someone's desk and with his pant still on so everyone can see the stain.

Tony pays for his dry cleaning.

#marvel #starker #starker + others #nff

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

#personal #it really is not that bad!!! #and yet...the horrors

[heat--end]

i just wish i wasnt like this, yknow? that i wasnt so hard on myself. that i could take things easier, that i wasnt so scared and worried about everything. so paranoid about everything people might say about me, might think about me.

that i wasnt trying so hard to look perfect in people's eyes. that casues me to be hard as hell on myself, and i know that, and i want to stop it. but it's so much easier said than done, and i hate that it is. i genuinely do. it sucks so much ass, dude

i just want to live. i just want to be happy with myself. and i know realistically that i should be. so why aren't i. why can't i give myself a break.

do i even deserve one, at this point. maybe it's deserved. i dont fucking know, dude. maybe im just having a bit of a spiral night. all cause i took a bad loss and i'm taking it way too personally. but again, that's just par for the course. i take shit super personally, when i really do not need to.

i'm exhausted

[hyewka]

i know i put my to read tag on ur fic and LEMME EXPLAIN lemme explain.

its 2am. i am trying so hard to study, i have a fic due (personal goals) in like literally 12 hours or sumn (i have not cared enough to check), i am dazed and horny beyond belief but im NOT LETTING MYSELF. not letting myself read anything until i get AT LEAST 1k words done on this goddamn fic

self rewards.

BUT ANYWAY fuck dude i read the notes,,,, SOOBIN BREEDING KINK

[barking]

i need him so bad. i really do its. its insane. i am delulu (i think im just dying of exhaustion? idk <3)

I do the same exact thing except I tell myself to not reblog anything until I get my writing done 😭 I commend you for your efforts it’s hard for me to control myself 🥲

Soobin and breeding kink is the equivalent to PB&J in the same way Soobin and titty sucking is, augh I can’t write him without the inclusion of one it just fits him soooo well 😭

#i HATE the idea of pregnancy but i fucking lose my mind when writing breeding kink for soobin #i need him so bad too #me and you are on the same boat 😭

[carolingarts]

Man okay. Imma talk about the new lore drop because hooooly shit what cool fucking lore. Evil imagineer/magician guy turned scientist?? Or (and this hit me) what if this guy legit was just a scientist guy taking *advantage* of Henry? Like then he's like "I could make shit too but he's better" so I'm like. Amazing. Showstopper. Let's gooo.

As I'm observing the discourse however I'm like...why is it the internet tendency to just *instantly* jump to the "let's just focus on the worst things" and I think like...

I have the weirdest relationship with fandom. The last time I had a fandom like this I super cared about I went full "bad guy can do no wrong (even tho bad guy was legit the *worst*) and like. I was in a bad place IRL and those threats hit me in a deeply bad way.

Like a bad way.

Like in the kind of way that stuff happened.

Now. This is fandom and honestly I got a lot of help and I'm better now. And I tried to find other fandoms put together I'm transgender but then y'know both the shows I got into got cancelled after one season so I'm like, fuck it maybe I just need to make my own thing or write about it.

The thing is that like. That's exhausting. Writers deserve a lot cause it's fucking hard sometimes and I have stuff that I can look at dealing with that but LOL round 2 and I'm observing the same stuff.

I'm legit serious. Evil bad guy scientist dude who is most definitely evil who uses what amounts to like themepark tech to murder ppl? Amazing. Better than HN. So fucking cool. I'm into it.

So...I am forced to ask, why am I triggered by this discourse and after an evening of being upset and mild panic attack I have come the following conclusions.

1) for a generation and fandom full of people who care about mental health 1- there's gonna be a lot of people who are hurt over this and I hope y'all talk to those people and talk about people sending death threats and maybe like. Make safe spaces for people who are systems and fictives. Encourage them to talk so they can like...process it. Y'all did it for bl*eycapsules. Or just remember (and I have seen this) that like this new thing is canon but your au is valid keep up with- your au.

2- would it fucking kill y'all to use tone indicators even if it's an actual joke and seems obvious completely omitting me like. There might be people who don't get it haagha edgy humor. I mean. This guy's a shithead *should be obvious* but speaking just...as me. An old asshole. People miss shit.

(I am actually a really really big proponent of "hey listen this canon version sucks *ass* why not make your own thing then change the names and make a comic about it and y'know you could add your own flare like maybe it all turns out to be the backrooms or something. Enjoy the slasher-killer but if you connected to the dude be like 'fuck you Scott and canon I'm gonna do my own thing and it's gonna be better.'

That's one of the things I love about this fandom. It *was* sandbox-like and Scott seemed to like and encourage that. Don't ask for star wars. Ask for something super cool that you can make your own even if nobody listens.

3- final note. Gonna not get personal but maybe a little bit? Idk how this might be read. So this is a warning. I'm in my 30s and I'm old. Take that into account reading this pls.

I'm trans and this space is aligned with all my special interests (themeparks, creepy entertainment companies) and I wanna be here but Scott could maybe we have another adult who...isn't a villain and isn't Vanessa?

Hear me out. I love Vanessa but I'm on a gender struggle bus. I'm old and trans and I love her but I'd like a cool...idk. just another person.

The world: Kyle! But what about Mike Afton-

Im...old. and Mike means a lot to a lot of other people and maybe this is my neurodivergency but like he and Jeremy just belong to so many people in warm and fuzzy levels...I'm old. I don't go here.

The world: ok but the animatronics-

It just doesn't work for me. Sorry. Believe me I've tried. believe me.

Anyway. Dear Scott and Steel Wool are the only like decent human beings your 2 throwaway cops in the novels and a bunch of parents who have no names and Vanessa? I know this is a kids game and it feels weird to ask but could we have grownups who are masc presenting who aren't Mike Afton and aren't y'know. Creeps like Luis?

I know it sounds stupid but it really is my neurodivergency and it is so hard to explain like. Mike and Jeremy etc belong to so many other people and what's cool about this is idk I feel like I could share that and maybe not feel like a weirdo

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. I'm just getting it out there.

#five nights at freddys pizzeria simulator #five nights at freddys fanfiction #fnaf 4 #new fnaf 4 art #fnaf4 lore #william afton #im actually so hyped like #gimme more of this #also poor rory

[gayspock]

hmmm

obvioously ive got no idea whats about to happen. but sorry. im on tom zareks side in so much of this. kind of rolling my eyes a bit at the show itself in some senses. bc again. idk what happens. sigh. but its obvious that zareks being pitched, by the show, as someone to be "against" - not to be so reductive about it, but yeah.

bc frankly like... everything hes saying? no offence. i completely fucking agree with. am i being insane. am i. someone else soundboard me here. bc, like please- a terrorist, sure, they keep overstating that but... also one from saggitaron, an extremely exploited colony, and thats what he was fighting for in the first place

and not to mention that everything he's advocated for, thus far... i agree with. the prisoners being used, like slaves- dont "its a hard choice, but one we have to make" me, bc its still wrong to have to fucking earn your freedom, jesus christ. even if, yes, humanity is on the god damn line.

AND we never see the actual civillians in the damn show-and thats sth thats actually frustrated me, thus far. but hes ALSO right about them. is now maybe the best time for total change? arguable. but like- also sorry but im onboard with dismantling whatever fucking system is in-place, if that system is presumabaly analogous to our own. hes right. i mean im kind of fuckin confused, bc again theyre not showing us much- but theres no money?? and some people are still living "as wealthy" whilst some are still labouring? sorry??? but yeah- fuckin yeah that needs to be addressed

like it would ANYWAY. the inequality would ANYWAY ofc. but like if theyre seriously having to build a new livelihood here then fuckin... GOD i dont know i dont think its mad or irrational to be pushing for that

AND no matter the results... whilst i do kind of yield, and recognise in a time of crisis a strong leader is kind of important, and shes made good decisions, its STILL not crazy to want fucking elections. i dont know. call me crazy lol im in the uk and we havent had the chance to choose a damn leader for a hot second. but like laura wasnt... anywhere near qualified to be the president. she wasnt elected by anyone, for anything, and calling for a damn vote isnt some extremist madness.

and i guess you can say this is all naive- that hes only advocating for this, to be in power himself- but... so is laura? like shes holding onto her position so she can do what she thinks is right; so she can exercise power. fucking SHRUG. whats the damn difference there? and shes the one with the upperhand right now. and dont get me wrong- i like laura and the decisions shes made genereally speaking but again... a) not crazy to want an elected leader and b) not crazy to question how shes handling civilian side of things bc we barely see that at all

and i think thats where i am eyerolling HARD at this show bc again idk. i EXPECTED this. but again. being reductive, but also its hard not to be because like- zareks being depicted as the antagonistic force here, and laura as the rational one, as one of our protags and its like... i dont MIND a difference of opinion playing out in front of me, you know, nor do i need my own political inclinations to align wholly with a show BUT... my point is its kinda exhausting the way they do kind of act like what zarek is saying is crazy and the show itself isnt challenging laura herself on THESE issues in particular when its justified. like they do with other hard decisions shes made but with some of this really not so much

and another thing was like similarly... they narratively justified it, by having that guy get apprehended as an assassin in the end, but also like... lee was making me suck my teeth this episode and groan. like seriously. stepping in and strongarming civillians in full on cop mode. i dont fucking like it dude. like when those two ppl were having a disagreement, and he sided against one guy despite the fact they had exhibited the same level of aggression with each other, bc that guy aligned with his own beliefs, and then exercised his power to threaten the other guy- yeah sorry again to be that guy but like... be for realll lee. and again i wouldnt be MAD that hed do that, in terms of a character decision, but again its like- obviously its in framing, yeah?

and this whole thing yes- WELL IT IS ALL VERY SILLY OF ME TO GET TOO IRRITATED, I MEAN PLEASE. THEYRE THE FUCKING MILITARY. THE ENTIRE MAIN CAST IS THE MILITARY. im not going into this expecting my own opinions to always be resonant here - and i wouldnt wiht any show. thats as equally braindead to expect that. but nonetheless man. its still one of those things im gonna bitch and moan about when it grates me in a particularly annoying way LOL bc like again. shru

#Egg.txt #bsg liveblog

[nabsthevulture]

I genuinely am going to start being loud and opinionated when it comes to this friend of mine because I just don't give a shit anymore. He does it all the time and I usually just "yeah. Mhmm" back instead of saying what I'd like to say which is usually "dude shut the fuck up"

Like I like this dude and I've known him for a long time but I've ghosted him in the past and I wish I hadn't reached back out.

We are just so incompatible that its ridiculous for us to really even be friends, and as I'm trying to move on with my life I need to step back and realize that there are just some people that i don't need in my life.

My hope is that I personally make him angry enough to stop talking to me or he pisses me off enough to have a solid reason to just say "im done".

I dont wish any ill will towards him and he has been and is a good friend but that doesn't mean that we can't just go our separate ways amicably. It sucks to lose friends but its just a natural progression of life. You aren't always going to remain friends with people you've met.

Im just tired. I'm tired of being anxious about people and how they'll react to how im living my life and who I am. I'm tired of listening to shit I don't agree with for hours on end. Its exhausting.

I just want to be me and do me and not have to worry about what someone is going to think about it. I don't give a fuck anymore, im done hiding.

#vent #dl #i just needed to write this down

[studiousbotanist]

(vent - light)

i was saying it on my priv twitter but ill make it different here, thank you friends so much for the love and support and kindness . ive been complaining a LOT this week and having angry rants and i really don’t like having those huge, angry rants in public . whether its justified or not like . im 28, id ont want to be throwing fits i want to calm down, think things through and be like you know what . yeha man this shit fucking sucked . this week sucked and it hurt but i did have friends and coworkers trying to calm shit down . i dont want to be in berserk mode LOL !!!!!!!! like, being able to regulate my emotions is really important . im so exhausted cause i kept geting those adrenaline rushes from my anxiety adn the conflict at work so !!!!!! im just recovering from it .

thank you for the patience . and i might as well say here too im terrified of becoming like tobias, sucking the emotions out of friends by being a bummer all the time and i guess it was a fear i was havin that i just havent expressed . i finally did to felix n started crying . i dont like feeling like i have to hide myself or my feelings in fear of being stalked online n its just made me feel al ot more like lashing out !! it sucks . id ont know dude LOL . thanks for reading .

#does a bear blog in the woods #that post i reblogged about recovering from a traumatic situation and finally letting everythign go like . its not gonna be over fast

[uncloseted]

not to defend boring friend OP, but im in her shoes. i have a friend who has a LOT going on in terms of her family, and it's not that it's boring or annoying to hear- sometimes it's just TOO MUCH to hear. all our conversations are about how fucked up her family is. she dumps on me with no questions about my life, and she'll say something super traumatic that happened to her, and then laugh. it's so uncomfortable. (pt.1)

(pt.2) i know some people's way of coping with trauma is to laugh about it. i realise that she doesnt intentionally trauma-dump on me, i'm just the one person she feels comfortable talking to about it with and whenever we meet, she wants to make maximum use of that opportunity. i realise that she's in a situation where leaving is very very difficult and there's no straightforward solution to the problem. BUT i can see those things and also feel super burnt out and dread meeting her.

(pt.3) and i think that's what boring friend anon is going through. it isn't that she's shaming, or putting down her friend, or has any malice- sometimes it's just too fucking much. even when i hear some shit my friend says, i want to tell her "dude just fucking STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!". this is becoming less of a Boring Anon Defense and more of a personal rant haha

To me, this sounds totally reasonable. As much as it sucks, sometimes it's necessary to set boundaries with people who drain our energy or who aren't being good friends to us. And as much as we'd like to be there for people who are going through tough times, that's just not always possible to do 24/7. There's a reason why therapists get paid for their work - it's emotionally exhausting, and it requires training to be able to do it well.