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#i think it can go either way - theres a lot of overlap but also sometimes u end up a victim of one juat randomly
rainy-astrology · 2 months
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thats what baffles me about this whole life thing that we have to unfortunately force ourselves to endure even if we dont want to admit it we are slaves to the broken system. there is so much that we can or should be doing but at the end of it it dont matter once we pass away cause then u be a no body yknow. no one on earth can really say when but i wanna know when... idrc for the whole life is short yolo shtick that was a saying in the mid 00s or whenever. theres only so much u can realistically achieve and if u fail as i have then whats the point in sticking around? why is there no exit button cause i dont want to stick around past the age of 50? the state the world and countries are in is dreadful. people on here are still timid to talk about death but we cant avoid the subject.
Hi anon, are you alright? You sound very stressed and depressed. This is some pretty negative thinking...Especially if you're asking about death and not wanting to live long. "If you fail as I have then whats the point of sticking around?" I'm guessing you base your self worth on success and you haven't met your expectations/goals, so you're already considering yourself a failure and want to quit. You're under 50, so you're still young (and even if you were 50 or older, age can't stop you from reaching your goals) and have plenty of time to achieve all of the things you want. Yes we will all die in the end, but that doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your time doing nothing and being negative. That's a sad way to live. It's also not a reason to want to leave early... There must be something else in this world that you want to live for.
Is there nothing or nobody you value? Life is about the small things too...it's about the people you are with too...do you really want to quit and leave those behind? Even if you don't think you have either, surely you do. Think about it. Reflect deeply. Even if you think you will be insignificant after your death, you will matter to those you're close to, to people you have impacted and care about. I'm sure there's someone who cares about you. The world may not know you, but why do you care about people you don't even personally know.
You can still be successful no matter how many times you've failed. Isn't that what life is? A series of trials and lessons, learning experiences? You don't have to beat yourself up so much over your mistakes and failures. Learn from them, grow from them.
But I get what you're saying though, I think about it a lot actually. The world is in an incredibly depressing state and just seems to get worse each passing minute. Sometimes it does feel like our efforts amount to nothing, especially since we'll die anyway. We really can be doing so much more and run the world in a much different, better way yet we somehow chose some miserable ways...It's completely understandable. I also especially understand with the failure part, but we can't let that eat us up y'know. We only truly fail when we give up completely.
I know you didn't come to me to get some motivational speech or whatever, but I do not want you to wallow in your own sadness. It's ok to be sad and to be depressed, but you shouldn't give up either.
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Decided to put your other ask in here as well
Yeah I'm sorry I didn't really have much of an answer for your 1st ask.
Certain times? Like birth times? I don't think there's much to it, it just happens to be the time we're born at. The placements are based on the degree and coordinates of the stars and such at the time iirc.
No, I don't think it does. Nothing in your birth chart or astrology is set in stone. It is simply a guide to help you learn about yourself and what you may want in life, the lessons and experiences you may go through. Plus depending on the type of chart system and astrology system you use, one chart can mean one thing while the other says something else (but there should likely be an overlapping theme between the charts). It's all up to you to make the action and effort to build your own path and life.
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I often seen critiques of make up from an existential/philosophical perspective, but I rarely see criticism of cosmetics from a stand point of the very physical bodily harm it does. I think this is because the number of dangerous ingredients is so massive, and overlapping its an absolutely daunting task. So I've compiled the information I've found and bear with me its a lot. (This is from an American perspective. Sorry, thats what I know. However I would love it if people from other countries had things to add.)
First I want to get the "simple" stuff out of the way. I think almost everyone has heard about bacteria and fungi in makeup and that makeup causes acne from clogging pores. Makeup has a pretty strict shelf life, yet consumers are entirely supposed to self-police as Ive never seen a single expiration date on any cosmetic packaging. (I guess consumers are meant to pull this knowledge out of the ether or something. I only found out about it in a tumblr PSA. I did read that expirys are on products in Europe.) Beauty blenders are the worst offender because theyre almost always moist. When I was taught makeup I was told to wet my sponge so it would soak up less product. If you apply makeup daily your sponge is likely constantly damp. USA Today had an article which said that 96% of sponges had fungi and over 60% had E. Coli in them. But I think what people talk about less is the complication of problems from using other products in conjunction with dirty beauty blenders. USA Today warns its especially dangerous to use beauty blenders if you have damage to your skin like acne, cuts, or dry skin. However the most popular beauty products for washing your face contain walnut pieces for literally scrubbing your skin and creating microabrasions. If youre a frequent makeup user you probably know about the cyclical nature of applying foundation, breaking out, and then applying more foundation to cover the breakout. You may even be using scrubbing cleansers more frequently to combat the acne creating more tears. This can lead to "blood poisoning" and, though neither USA today or Forbes mentions this, blood poisoning (not a medical term btw. Its sepsis.) according to numerous medical sites has the potential to be extremely lethal. The symptoms are so similar to a regular flu its nearly impossible to self-diagnose.
The very first thing I was told when a friend handed me a jar of finishing powder- popular with many beauty gurus for the "baking" technique and considered a must have- was a joke about "clown lung." This was a reference to the main ingredient talc. Talc causes lung problems including cancer and respiratory illness. If anyone remembers the large Johnson and Johnson lawsuit from 2019 it was because theyd been putting talc into baby powder. Talc is dangerous because it's impossible to mine and seperate from ASBESTOS. Some high-end finishing powders will try to sell you on safe talc-free formulas but all the products I looked into contained mica instead which causes pneumoconiosis, colloquially known as "black lung disease." Like fucking coal miners get. Its not just present in finishing powder either. In my research it turned out that talc/asbestos are also present in many eyeshadows and other powder products. [Googleable, evidenced in J&J lawsuit]
Another industry to examine is nail salons. Toluene, Formaldehyde, Dibutyl Phthalate, and Methacrylate compounds are all dangerous ingredients and present in various salon products. These ingredients cause a range of problems from dizziness, drowsiness, birth defects, slow fetal growth, future intellectual disabilities in the fetus, eye skin and throat irritation, coughing, allergic reactions, asthma-like attacks, short-term memory loss, nausea, dermatitis, cancer, and misscarriage. Some nail products advertise that they are 3-free meaning that toluene, formaldehyde, and DP should be absent but often the labels are found to be completely inaccurate. It should be noted that the risk is mainly to salon workers and not patrons but ask yourself if it is right to place other people at serious risk for your aesthetic. OSHA does make an attempt to mitigate these risks however not once in my years of makeup queen did I see a salon following these directives which include constant air monitoring, half mask respirators with chemical cartridges, gloves, long sleeves, and safety glasses. (And Im not even going to touch issues of human trafficking/slave labour out of nail salons one case of which occured 5 days ago two hours away from me) It should also be noted that formaldehyde can also be found in hair relaxers and hair dyes. [Found articles in Scientific American and NYT]
I also found on the FDAs website that many cosmetics include heavy metals like arsenic, mercury, and lead. (Usually accompainied by a picture of lipstick so I assume that is the product most likely to contain it, however campaign for safe cosmetics lists foundation as containing heavy metals, and The Guardian has an article about skin lighteners from Asia and Africa containing mercury.) The website stated that the amount of these heavy metals in cosmetics is "safe" if used as intended. (and I'm going to come back to the concept of "intended use" later because thats a can of worms too) However, when searching for info on heavy metal safety I found this quote in regards to metals in food:
"Certain metals, such as arsenic, lead and mercury, have no established health benefit, and have been shown to lead to illness, impairment, and in high doses, death. Understanding the risk that harmful metals pose in our food supply is complicated by the fact that no single food source accounts for most people’s exposure to metals in foods. People’s exposure comes from many different foods containing these metals. Combining all of the foods we eat, even low levels of harmful metals from individual food sources, can sometimes add up to a level of concern"
So like, which is it? Is it a "safe amount" or is no amount of metal safe? I understand that in the case of certain foods like fish some amount of mercury poisoning is always expected but fish is also something you feed yourself and nourish your body with while cosmetics are completely unecessary to your survival. The mercury problem in fish is also mitigated by health warnings when mercury levels are particularly high but cosmetics have no such warning. Another warning on the site indicated that children should ingest NO amount of lead AT ALL because it is particularly harmful for kids yet theres no effort to stop children from using lead-containing cosmetics. I worked next to a Five Below where I was shocked to find they sold Jeffree Star and Anastasia eyeshadow dupes for five dollars which amounts to fucking pocket change for a lot of kids and kids do buy that stuff. I also think its ironic the FDA would have anything to say regarding cosmetics because in the very same article about heavy metals in cosmetics the FDA says that they DO NOT REGULATE cosmetics beyond the color additives.
Mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, and brow tint often contain carbon black. This is a color additive that is an incomplete combustion of carbon-based products. It can cause lung disease, cancer, and organ system toxicity, and eye, nose, throat irritation. The effects are mainly studied in rats and those at biggest risk are industrial workers but why do other workers have to endure lung problems for something so unecessary? [Easily googleable, NIH, CDC, WHO Europe]
This next bit I only want to mention briefly because I didnt find any particularly reputable sources about it, but its a claim that cropped up repeatedly and I think its an interesting one. Parabens, estrogen, phthalates (again), and pesticides in cosmetics are apparently linked to endocrine disorders and hormone dysregulation. Im not entirely sure what is meant by this accusation. Endocrine disorders include female diseases like PCOS and possibly endometriosis. None of these diseases is very well studied and the female endocrine system itself is not well studied either. Im not saying "cosmetics cause PCOS" because we dont know if PCOS or these other endocrine/hormonal disorders are genetic or environmental or both (it appears that PCOS is largely genetic and Endometriosis is likely autoimmune related) AND we dont appear to know for sure that cosmetic ingredients cause endocrine disorder. But I include anyway for a number of reasons:
If you happen to struggle with hormonal problems you may want to know cosmetics is a potential environment factor.
These conditions are incredibly painful. It will be a battle getting your doctor to even acknowledge that pain for diagnosis. PCOS is linked to diabetes, and heart disease. [Thanks @mother-of-pearl ] There is no cure and the treatments are often throwing hormonal birth control at it and hoping for the best.
I dont anticipate the link between cosmetics and endocrine disorders being studied any time soon or any endocrine disorders studied at all because the medical/scientific field is sexist. I dont want women to suffer in the mean time.
Now again, take this with a grain of salt because I couldnt find scientific or news sources for it. Dont fucking come for me. Im not gonna respond to you. [Most reputable source was a paper from the library of medicine at the national institutes of health but it was behind a paywall and I dont have 39 dollars to be right on tumblrdotcom]
Avoiding these ingredients is not as simple as scanning the label for them. As many beautubers and the community are no doubt aware considering multiple scandals over veganism. Products advertised as vegan or cruelty free but contain non-vegan carmine or are sold in China which legally requires the products to be animal tested. Cosmetic companies will hide ingredients claiming they are "trade secrets" or they will be placed under "fragrance." Many ingredients will be known by six or seven different names and asking consumers to be aware of seven different names for multiple ingredients requires consumers to be aware of innumerable different, often complicated ingredient names. I shouldnt have to point out that's a ridiculous burden to place on women. The EU banned 1,300 hazardous ingredients that the US did not. Cosmetic companies rely on women being unwilling/unable to bring in a list of 1,300 ingredients- with multiple names- every time they pop in to the drug store, sephora, or wherever. Buying "natural" products will not help you either. Theres no established criteria for natural/organic in costmetics, the FDA doesnt test these products, and "natural"=/= safe anyway. Plenty of plants and minerals are poisonous. One good example is traditional kohl products which advertise their natural status but also naturally contain lead and reiterating that natural powders contain mica. US courts are rarely on the side of consumers either. I found an interesting lawsuit against St. Ives for their apricot scrub taken to court for their "dermatologist tested" label despite it causing breakouts and cuts to the skin. The courts ruled that this label was fine because it only indicated that the product was TESTED not APPROVED by dermatologists. However I think any rational consumer would look at this label and assume the tests concluded it was safe for use or else why put the label on there?
[Googlable XMONDO drama, googlable laws wrt china and eu, already stated about FDA, FDA website about Kohl. Googled St. Ives lawsuit.]
I want to return to the idea of "intended use." This is sort of a fucky concept a lot of companies have ways of getting around. My "last straw" with makeup had to do with a run-in I had with Anastasia over their "Riviera" eyeshadow palette. In this pallette they had two colors that were the real feature of the palette, an electric neon purple and a radioactive pink I mean every photo, every promotion has these two colors swirled together around the eye. Because again, its an eyeshadow palette. When I buy the eyeshadow palette of course there's a little insert warning in the package that says these two shades are not intended on the eye area. In an eyeshadow palette. Contacting their customer service they told me that these two shades were meant to be used as a blush. neon purple blush. Not only that, but their website and instagram featured NO models wearing the shades as blush while EVERY model one or more of the shades as eyeshadow. When asked about this discrepancy ABH stopped responding. What I find egregious about this is the amount of people who dont know, and then more staggeringly; dont care. The sephora clerks didnt know, the in store abh representative didnt know, their customers didnt know, and when I told them they would respond with "oh, [brand] did the same thing with their [shade]." Sure enough, when I demanded that store clerks open the packaging to look for warnings nearly every product had an "eyeshadow" that was not intended for use on the eyes. Relegating dark, red-toned teal to "contour" and neon grean to "highlighter" US-based cosmetic junkies will say that these pigments have been approved for use by the EU however I found absolutely NO evidence of that. I googled it a thousand ways but all I ever found were blog posts, reddit comments, and one quote from an apparently nonEuropean layman in an Insider article. I even changed my location to France on ABH's website and the Norvina palette still contains the same warnings (not to harp on ABH in particular. I just know which shades in particular are the problem there). The Insider article noted that brands who were selling pressed pigments declined to comment. If the pressed pigments were EU friendly, I would think companies would be clamouring to say so. It also still makes their market as eyeshadow colors illegal in the US. (If any Europeans would like to chime in I'd love that.) Another problem I find with cosmetics companies and their reps is the claim that the worst thing that could happen is eye irritation for those with sensitive eyes and staining. How could they possibly know? The FDA doesnt test, or approve these cosmetics in the eye area, so ostensibly no one should be using it that way.
The next one is a bit of a "duh" but I'm going to talk about it anyway. Counterfeit cosmetics are a booming market full of untold dangers. Untold primarily because these products could contain literally anything. Ive read about glue, arsenic, lead, feces, staph, and horse urine to name a few. The labels and ingredient list on these products are fake. Legitimate brands often unintentionally play into the counterfeit market. They create artificial scarcity by making less of the product than is actually needed for consumer demand to create an even higher demand. If consumers miss out often their only chance at getting the product is to turn to counterfeits. I found examples of women who had their lips superglued, lips "turned to goo" and burned to blistering, throat closures, women with stys, contact dermatitis, eye infections. I think we as a society turn a blind eye to this problem because we think "hey, if youre buying counterfeits for a discount and you get hurt you deserve it." We imagine idiots buying products for 4 dollars from ebay or perusing Canal street for FEИTY beauty. But these counterfeits can be really convincing. I myself received a gift of a huda palette that I only recognized something was weird about it because I'd swatched it at sephora about five times earlier that month. The person who bought it for me actually paid MORE than the usual cost for the palette because it was advertised as a newer, better edition. The websites can be disturbingly similar. For instance Kylie Jenner's legitimate website is KylieCosmetics.com but you can find fakes at kyliecosmeticsshop.co.uk. These fakes can buy ad space and be one of the first sites that populate when you google the products instead of typing the legitimate site into the address bar. Counterfeits can also be bought and sold through third parties on websites like ebay, wish, and amazon. (My gift actually came from Amazon.)
[Netflix doc "Broken" ep "Makeup Mayhem" Corroborated by personal experience and google]
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lumiereandcogsworth · 3 years
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8,9, 10, 11, 12, 16, 17 , 18, 25, 30, 34, 35, 37, 48
good golly, thanks broski!!! i’m gonna do an under the cut thing cuz you know how much i talk and i don’t want to burden anyone in their feeds
8. oldest wip: heck if i know! but here’s what i did. i scrolled to the very bottom of my docs, at least to the point where fics started cropping up, and then scrolled back up until i found the first thing that hadn’t been posted already. and i found! my oldest wip! magic! it’s a CUTE idea involving my beloveds in the ballroom but apparently i haven’t touched it in over a year (last modified 8/16/20) which is a tragedy. here’s an excerpt for your troubles:
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(gosh it’s so cute after this but i’m not just gonna post the entire thing. anyway)
9. current wip: heck if i know!! i’ve got a lot of pots that i’ve left to simmer in my kitchen, lady! truly i have many different scenes and moments in time. BUT! the last thing that i was like Oh? Hello? about was this lil fic involving adam and belle on their honeymoon in paris (well it starts in paris, you know they be going all over the dang place.) it’s so lovely and i feel like it’s relatively done but i’m letting it simmer particularly cuz sometimes if i let something sit long enough i’ll discover where it’s actually supposed to end.
10. do you set yourself deadlines? look at my disaster of a wips kitchen and ask me again if i set deadlines
11. books and/or authors who influence you the most? well of course fredrik backman influences me! we don’t write the same genre or style though, but he really inspires me to write about what makes me happy. all his works are just purely about love and friendship and family and trust and loyalty and what happens when those things are put to the test. and he writes about this stuff cuz it’s what he knows and what makes him most happy. and i love it so much. when i look at all that he’s done and written, it makes me feel like i can handle writing my own book, even multiple books. i know a lot of authors do this, of course, but his works just mean so much to me and i feel so inspired by him. i want my books to be about all those things too (though with an added hint of royal drama, perhaps), and… i don’t know. i’m getting myself all choked up! i’m simply inspired.
12. describe your perfect writing space. i’ve been writing stuff on my phone a lot lately. i really only write on my laptop when i’m working on a bigger work. though, i think even that juliette’s birthday fic was mostly written on my phone :/ so i guess perfect writing space is a comfy seat on the couch (or in bed) with No Noise (besides white noise) and either lamp or natural lighting!
16. how many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with your project? i think i read through and edit my works like 2-3 times before posting, maybe 3-4 if it’s a little bigger. and if it’s Real Big then i’ll have grace take a gander at it. it’s important to have a Local English Major on stand by in times of trouble.
17. what writing habits or rituals do you have? oop! answered already! darn i thought there was no overlap. so close.
18. if you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be and what would you write about? well it’s not like @ilikebigassbuttsandicannotlie and i have an entire universe that we’ve built over the last year or anything. that would be crazy, ha ha. also i’d definitely do another fic/art collab with @drawnby27emilys - the first one was a grand success! ah, my two emilys! have you two met? i’m introducing you here now since you’re both tagged.
25. favorite part of writing? when you’ve just gone completely tunnel vision with it. nothing in the world exists except the one you’re creating before you. you look up and somehow you’ve written 2,000 words and you’re not even convinced that you blinked once the whole time.
30. favorite idea you haven’t started on yet? my book lol. and that’s not entirely true, i’ve written plenty about those kiddos. but nothing strictly book yet, ya know? just a lot of world and character building. which is still important!!! i try to remind myself!!! but i really would like to start the actual thing. i thought i did once but i don’t know where that scene was going. i’ll probably only end up using part of it, if anything.
34. what was the hardest scene you ever had to write? AH. strike two, i answer this one as well.
35. what scene/story are you least looking forward to writing? theres a scene in my book that i know is gonna take all i have to get it right. also a fic idea that i just cannot bring myself to properly get on paper cuz it frustrates me.
37. first sentence on your current wip: well i’ll pull from that “current wip” from the beginning of this monstrous post:
“He watched her, his Belle.”
(of course)
48. what’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written? i’m like you, jess. i think i sprinkle a bit of myself into everything, when it applies. besides some traits (adam’s night owl-ness, belle’s humming and singing to herself all day long, etc.) i think i’m more in my work in the way of what it’s about. all that domestic fluff and such. even if i don’t live domestically with anyone or have a husband or children yet, it’s all very much me. the kind of sweet, gentle love that i hope to express to those around me, and that i hope to have for myself one day :”)
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oasisofgalaxies · 4 years
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s h a r e the head canons!!
oK!!!! Headcanon time!!! So apparently I can’t do anything without dragging the duo into it so wOOP!! Anyways here’s some headcanons if Mem and Mori went to Camp Unus Annus :D
Also thank you for helping me with these and letting me yell at you about them gjfNFNDNFN
•So both of them would be councilors and teach Outdoor Survival together
•Mem teaches the half where campers learn to build shelters or pitch a tent, start a fire and learn the various ways to make one, tell time and direction out in the wild, and general survival tips.
•Mori teaches people how to identify different plants and animals, how to gather food in the forest, how to find a good source of drinking water, and basically everything you need to know to keep yourself alive in the woods.
•A lot of their lessons overlap so sometimes they’ll co-teach classes together
•And when they’re doing separate stuff they’ll interrupt each other’s lessons frequently- Either to say something funny or dumb or show the other something cool they found!
•Mem gets really really excited when he gets to make fires cause this is the oNE time he’s allowed to do it and he’s gonna have F U N
•Mori often gets sidetracked in lessons if he sees a cool plant, mushroom, or even some moss. He’ll immediately stop what he’s doing and go on an excited tangent about it.
•He also had a habit of pointing out any and all birds and animals in the area and getting very excited over them
•Mem often has buttercups or other really pretty flowers tucked behind his ear!
•When Mori sees a pretty flower his first reaction is to pick it and give it to Mem! If Mori finds a four leaf clover that also goes to Mem too.
•To preserve the flowers Mem will use a bit of his magic to freeze them in time and make sure they don’t wilt.
•He has a lot of past gifted flowers laying on his shelf in the cabin.
•Likewise, Mori’s bag is stuffed full of cool looking rocks because like a penguin Mem will see a neat rock and immediately give it to Mori!!
•He also found seaglass by the lake (somehow-) and immediately gave it to Mori.
•Now matter how heavy his bag gets, Mori never refuses a rock.
•If he gets anxious during the day he’ll grab one of the smoother ones and use it as a worry stone.
•His cabin shelf is lined with many of the rocks from Mem!
•Both of them have made friendship bracelets for the other!
•Mem made Mori a lavender and rose colored one, a really simple striped bracelet.
•It’s pretty thin and really messy, Mem got frustrated a lot when making it because he couldn’t figure out how to tie the knots exactly right.
•Bracelets aren’t exactly his forte.
•But he gave it to Mori and he lOVED it!! He absolutely refused to hear any apologies for how it looked and insisted it was absolutely perfect. He now refuses to take it off because he just adores it!!
•Mori made a gold and black colored chevron bracelet for Mem.
•It’s rather big and very neat looking, almost professional.
•The gold thread is very glittery, Mori thought he’d like that. He even braided some glittery beads in!
•It took him a while to make since it was such a big bracelet.
•When he finally gave it to Mem he cried over how wonderful it was and gave Mori a bear hug.
•He wears it absolutely everywhere and refuses to take it off even for a moment.
•Mem shows it off to everyone and proudly announces that he got it as a gift from Mori. He says it like he’s saying he won the greatest prize in the world, and to him that’s probably what it is.
•Just the idea of them giving each other things they found or made is really really nice to me!
•Also the obligatory stargazing headcanon! It’s basically mandatory at this point.
•They can and will sneak out past curfew to look at the stars. Either they climb on the roof of the cabins, go to an outlook in the hills, or sit by the lake.
•Either way they bring snacks and blankets and just cuddle up to stare at the sky. It’s really nice especially with all the nighttime noise. Crickets chirping and the occasional bird call or owl hoot. The lake gently lapping on the shore and bats dipping and diving overhead.
•They’re both tired from a long day at camp but it’s always worth it to spend some nice alone time together. To recharge from all the crazy of the day. A few hours to themselves before the chaos of camp kicks back up once more. Just some peace and quiet. Just the two of them.
•They’ll quietly talk and share stories about their days, telling each other funny or interesting things that happened.
•Even though they’re always together it’s just good to listen to each other talk about what happened that day.
•It’s also a good time to exchange gifts, whether it be rocks, flowers, or other things they found during the day and didn’t get a chance to give it to them normally.
•And sometimes it not gifts but odd things they found and wanted to puzzle over together. Like the one weird stick Mem found with all the odd tunnel-looking grooves in it.
•It’s just a lovely quiet time under the stars.
•Their cabin walls also have lots of pictures hung up.
•Some are of the two either posing together or one or the other caught in the middle of something funny
•For example, like the time Mem tried to start a fire and all he got was a face full of smoke
•And aims are just really soft and quiet moments of them that the other snapped.
•Theres one of Mori reading against a tree while sunlight dappled over him from between the leaves. He’s surrounded by tiny little flowers and he has a really bright and calm smile on his face.
•Sometimes it’s also pictures of flowers or animals Mori took or scenery shots that Mem liked.
•There’s a few of the lookout, some deer, morning mist on the lake, some wildflowers in the field, and a forest full of fireflies at night.
I just kinda made a bunch of these last night while talking to Ophelia- Maybe because it’s just in part that I miss camp but these were so fun to think about :D!!!
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SheRa wary anon. Im an LGBTQ asian I def think this blog has been a voice of reason but some of the anons feel to me like they want it cancelled completely but like I said maybe its just their frustration and im just feeling sensitive bcos im so used to diff sides invalidating parts of my identities so ive been wary of all sides all the time 1/3
To clarify I dont think venting (I think this is the better term?) is wrong I do it a lot but if its a piece of fiction created by minorities it feels like somehow theres grp1) this show is completely unproblematic grp2) fuck this show can we talk about how awful it is! And no in btwn where the criticism to help future rep be better should be 2/3
To me venting is diff from criticism. its airing out our feelings in a way thats more for cathartic effect. Criticism is more for wanting something to be better. Sometimes they can overlap. Anyway im just hoping this is just venting and im just being too wary. There are def times one needs to go off. I feel that need a lot recently in today's climate. Anyway the show could def do better and for any of Noelle's future projects she should hire more qwoc (everyone should) 3/3
There can be a difference between criticism and venting and like you said they can also overlap. Thing is anon the show is over. It can no longer improve on itself. I will say, however, that throughout the years this show has aired I’ve seen these criticisms pop up on my dash. All by fans. All by minorities of different backgrounds
So of course all of this is going to feel like pure venting to you. There is nothing more to improve on now. And some of these asks are probably just people venting, just not all. But since this show is done, what can you criticize that will improve a finished product? All of these criticisms have been said during the making of the show and people just either ignored it or disregarded it. Sure it could work as criticisms for future projects. And honestly if the creators didn’t pick up on all of this criticism by now, they weren’t really paying attention I guess
I think the asks here that were just pure venting did bring up genuine criticisms though. They expressed their distaste for white savior tropes. They’ve expressed how they didn’t appreciate how characters of color were treated. They’ve expressed how they are frustrated with Mara getting whitewashed.
This show brought forth a lot of representation, but to some it wasn’t enough or delivered properly. Unless these anons outright say “I wish this show was cancelled”(which lol, its over what even?) I cant assume they hate the show and want it to burn into ashes and fade out of everyone’s memories
That’s probably one of the more upsetting type of assumptions fans get. “If you say something bad about this medium at all then you are 100% against it”. Usually as a way to shut us down. Already had a few anons assume we are just “complaining” and badmouthing the show.
Anon I don’t think ill of you or the show. The show runners just made some questionable decisions and people want to address it here
~mod n
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fizzypunks · 4 years
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in hands and intentions
fandom: naruto wordcount: 3.1k/finished rating: pg summary: neji doesn’t know what to do with loving hands. thankfully, shikamaru does
AO3
note: i just... love neji, and shikamaru, and shikaneji so so much. this is just a one off cause i couldn’t get it out of my mind. thank you for reading! <3
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Shikamaru’s hands were delicate, and it never ceased to astound Neji -- no matter how many times he was held and caressed by them. These hands that cast shadows and killed and were capable of so much violence, were simply incapable of creating it of their own free will. 
 His hands traced up the clothed sides of Neji’s stomach like the way spring winds graze the fields at night.
  How are you so tender with me?
Neji doesn’t understand it, and it hurts, much like the mark that graced his forehead, but so much sharper and so infinitely more confusing. It’s frightening and soft, like pillows and lazy days and morning sun, luxuries he couldn’t have ever imagined, not as a kid, and not now. Shikamaru is soft and gentle, and Neji doesn’t know if he can reach into his mind and sift hard enough to find such a moment existing before this. He sifted before, and he wanted to throw the till away when all that came up was rubble.
 Neji dipped his head into Shikamaru’s shoulder, hair falling between them, and he breathes, because that’s all he can do when just a second ago they were kissing.
  How are you so tender? How are your hands so gentle?
 They’re sitting - there’s a discarded bottle of sake pushed just off to the side, and yet its seal stayed as perfect and untouched as it had when they first sat down in the grass. They’re face to face, legs craning with their feet kicked up in the grass to either side of each other, and though it’s comfortable, something is different this time.
 Neji can’t place it, and it’s frustrating to be able to sense, but to not  see .
 “Hmm, Neji?” Shikamaru whispered, wet lips at his left ear as his hand carded through his long, mocha hair. “Neji? Are you with me?”
 Neji nods, forehead bumping against the soft cotton of Shikamaru’s shirt. He doesn’t want to speak, because for the first time, he thinks he doesn’t have the control to keep his voice from shaking.
 Shikamaru probably hears the pauses and knows theres somthing hidden in them, and Neji doesn’t know where to go or what to do when Shikamaru’s hands find their way to his back, stroking sweet, soft circles into him. It was like a hot brand had just touched him, except it wasn’t  actually  anything like that. It was the recoil before the burn, only to discover there would be no burn at all.
 And maybe that’s what he’s aching for right now. Maybe that burn was too expected, maybe he’d rather have a reason to flinch, than to flinch without cause. And above it all, he wanted to flinch and not feel guilty for flinching --
 If only Shikamaru had hurt him, he wouldn’t feel the gnawing teeth in his gut that told him  just wait,  and even louder was  how dare you wait?
 Their legs are overlapped like clumsy children, and no, they’re anything but clumsy children.  Neji feels more like a child now than he did when he was one, and he doesn’t think it’s possible to feel any more low or crumbling, except when Shikamaru speaks, and Neji can do nothing except will the tears away.
 And he so often does speak, at just the right moment, with just the right words, like he does now. 
 “If you want, we can stay like this.”
 “Gods,” and Nejis voice breaks out in a whimper, though there was a ripping force through his chest that he had no idea existed within him that, now awakened, might never cease. 
 “We can stay here, if you want.” 
 There must be an angel within Shikamaru, Neji thinks, because he held him all the same. Moments before, they were kissing passionately and breathlessly. Neji’s hands were fiercely searching for Shikamaru’s, and he was demanding more and more, and then, now, here he was, shedding tears he never dared shed before - and even the thought of tears brought pain to his temples that broke out like lightning across his forehead. He flinched away again at the memories painted onto his eyelids, and it feels like a mistake.
 God, the memories. There were too many of them, like crumbs that give way to avalanches.
 “You know, when I was growing up, I didn’t think much about romance.”
 Why was his voice so matter of fact? Holding Neji close to him, fingers carding gently down his neck and shoulders as he combed his hair, Shikamaru was there like a pillar of sincerity that spoke only of certainties.
 How dare he speak so steadily of things like they were simply inherent and unavoidable truths? He was solid, a pillar, unfaltering and calm. Underneath his fingertips, Neji’s shaking hands were anything but.
 “And it didn’t really bother me, cause it sort of seemed like a hassle more than anything. It seemed like a lot of squabbling.”
 Neji listened, willing, this time, for his heart to retreat back into his veins and arteries and away from his ears.
 “I didn’t understand others, either, when they asked me about crushes and romance and shit like that. You know, I thought Ino was so dumb for how much she wanted Sasuke, like she was brainwashed or something… I thought love was a cult.”
 Neji laughed with Shikamaru, rolling his hands under his chest so he could wrap them around his waist.
 “But then there’s you.”
 Neji tensed, on habit. He hates that he does it, in moments that are supposed to be tender, but he can’t stop it. 
 (He can’t help it, and he hates it.)
 “And I guess you could say it was a shock when I finally found out what they were talking about.”
 Neji wants to speak so badly, but if he were to, he’d be speaking too much. Too much about how small he feels now, and the way he doesn’t know how to touch back. How to not break, how to be truly gentle...
 Shikamaru leans his head into Neji’s, and he’s relaxed, and his weight seems to be Too Much and Not Enough. It's like he might get crushed, but also at the same time like he’s never felt more at home and if getting crushed was the payment, then he’d be okay to pay it.
 “I… didn’t believe in it either,” Neji says, finally. His throat is dry, and he feels like any given word might turn brittle into rubble yet again. “And when I did see it, in others, it was from as far away as possible. It was from a cage and… I believed in it. I saw it everywhere, in the streets, at the Academy, and I knew it existed because so many other people felt it and spoke of it and  lived it and I… !”
 His lungs ached, out of breath, but he continued. “And I believed it wouldn’t ever…”
 Shikamaru hums, and waits, because he’s good at that sort of thing.
 “I thought nothing so…” 
 The words  kind  and  gentle  and most horribly of all  tender  dissolve on his tongue like sugar, and he can barely scrape them together enough to say it. He doesn’t want to cry again, but he can’t help it this time --
 Love feels like weakness when you can’t hold back any part of yourself, and Neji sinks into Shikamaru like he’s trying to become closer than his shadow. “Nothing…  nothing I ever imagined, would be so kind.”
  Kind like you, tender like you, caring like you.
 The hands around his shoulders, the embrace that kept Neji from feeling like this was just a dream, grew tighter, and Shikamaru kissed Neji’s neck because it was the closest thing he could kiss.
 “I feel like I’ve just woken up, and I didn’t see the scars on me till now, and it’s making me sick.”
 Neji’s voice used to be laced in vitriol -- every word he felt leaving his mouth was scornful, and heated, and filled with the energy of a kid stuck in a place neither heaven or hell could find, let alone salvage. It’s been years since then, but it’s only been seconds since his words started to fill with something grander. Sometimes love, sometimes sorrow, most of the time he doesn’t know.
 “That’s pretty fucked up,” Shikamaru whispered.
 Neji nodded. “I accepted it, too.”
 Shikamaru nodded into him again, chin hooked over Neji’s shoulder. “Like fate, right? I remember that used to be your thing.”
 Neji laughed, but there was no humor to be found. “It  was my fate.”
 Neji hears the smile in Shikamaru’s voice. “It’s a good thing you don’t believe in that any more, then, isn’t it?”
  Thank gods  , and Neji pulled away, slowly, so that they were eye to eye. He doesn’t understand why he can’t  look  Shikamaru in the eye; when he tries he ends up crumbling all the same. “I haven’t believed in it in a long time… and yet I can’t remember if I ever stopped believing that something like this…”
 He gestures between them with his right hand, and settles it on the top of Shikamaru’s thigh, tentatively, like glass that might break if pressed. “I didn’t know this would happen.”
 Shikamaru sighed, but not in the way that meant he was tired or bored or put up, just saddened -- he brought his hands down from their perch on Neji’s shoulders, and gently rested them on the sharp line of his jaw.
 “Hey, look at me.”
 He couldn’t.
 “Neji…”
 He  couldn’t , but he did. 
 Shikamaru was beautiful. He tried so hard to understate that fact, to draw less attention to himself, but when Neji looks into his eyes, and traces his gaze over the soft, pink lips he's grown intimately knowing of, it’s impossible to ignore. It’s impossible to feel not feel blinded.
 And then when he looks back, it’s impossible not to feel known. His eyes are capable of seeing too much, and when SHikamaru smiles sadly, they bend ever so slightly. “What you were given wasn’t what you deserved. Not a single fucking bit of it was something  you  deserved.”
 If it didn’t feel like an avalanch, Neji would have thought it was funny how easily Shikamaru could take him apart. He could do it at will, and he could break him just as swiftly, yet he never even tried.
 Except, of course, when it was to make him vulnerable -- like how he strips him down and turns him inside out just to see, to touch, but to never harm.
 Neji’s face must have been flushed, because the new tears streaking down his cheeks and onto Shikamaru’s hands felt like ice.
 “What adults do to children is never the kid’s fault. They’ll trick us into thinking it is, though, and we’ll just… believe.”
 And  that  was it. That was the corner stone of the avalanch, and it was removed so fast that all that came tumbling after was impossible to be avoid, to not be trampled by.
 “But that’s not even the part that’s bad. That’s not even  half  of it!” He’s not yelling, but he’s loud, and it’s like the ghost of the 12 year old he once knew took over his mind for a split second.  “And I might learn to feel deserving of this, and accepting of gentle thing, and it might take years but it’s  possible  to deserve. It’s  possible  to accept. All of  that is possible!”
 He’s lashing out, and its so bitter and rotten on his tongue when its said and done. His tears are hot and angry, and suddenly his breath is pent and he’s dizzy from holding it in, after letting so much of it out.
 Shikamaru didn’t flinch though. His eyebrows are cast down, sad and furrowed, his eyes deep with contemplation and consideration and empathy, and his patience is present in the way he simply cradles Neji’s face.
 Seconds pass, and then those fade into long minutes. The wind picked up around them, carrying the scent of flowers and wet dirt from the distance. The moon is out, but so are the clouds, and the brightness of the moon comes and goes with the wind. 
 When it’s clear that Neji doesn’t have anything more to say, Shikamaru leans in and presses a sweet and simple kiss to Neji’s lips,. When they part Neji can see the wetness of his tears on Shikamaru, little glints under the night sky.
 “If that’s what  is  possible, then what  isn’t ?”
 Neji closed his eyes, and took in as steady a breath as he could. He had no more tears in him. All of it was replaced with heaviness and exhaustion. He wanted nothing more than to collapse, to sleep, and to stop thinking.
 He smiles, bitter and longing. “I might not be able to be as… gentle.”
 “What do you mean, like you might… hurt me?”
 “Not like that… not intentionally. My hands… they’re too rough.”
  I’m too rough .
 “I don’t think it works that way, Neji. It’s not a matter of  slipping up or being--”
 His voice was loud again -- not like a shout, but like words spoken in a temple “But that’s the thing, Shikamaru -- they can. They can react. I feel them guard, and go rigid, and become so fucking stiff that I’m worried I wont know what to do with them!”
 “I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing, because I know you’re not saying you’re going to hurt me. You’re not going to accidentally punch me, or tear me apart, or, I don’t know, Byakugan me or anything… and then again, even  if  you were to, I don’t think you’d get very far.”
 Neji smiles at that, because he’s probably right. 
 “It’s just like your hands  work … and mine dont. I don’t know how to touch like that.”
 “You already do, Neji.”
 “But it’s not just… it’s because I can’t  do  that. I’ve touched so many things that end up breaking, and it’s…
 “Scary?”
 Neji nods, averting his eyes when he notices the glint in Shikamaru’s.
 Shikamaru can always  hone  in, and it’s another reason to be frightened of this man, if he were worth being frightened of at all.  “It’s like what you said earlier, isn’t it? When you said the words  kind  and  gentle . You mean like that, don’t you?”
 There’s nothing physical about it, and Neji has to ceed to that undeniable truth once it’s stated, clear as day. “I think I might try and touch you like you touch me, and I’ll break you…”
 Shikamaru’s left thumb comes to trace Neji’s lips, callus to soft skin.“I could do the same, though, don’t you think?”
 Neji fidgets, shoulders dropping, tilting his head forward with his hair cascading in his wake. “Technically…”
 “No, I mean it,” and Shikamaru takes his left hand and uses it to push back the curtain of hair that started to form, to hold it back. “Don’t you think that one day it might be possible, and that I might break you?”
 “Shikamaru…”
 “I need you to answer that.”
 “Yes… yes it’s possible.”
 “Then do you trust me? Do you trust to be in my hands, in  my intentions? Do you trust me not to ‘break’ you?”
 “Yes. Yes, without question.”
 “Then I trust you too. I trust these hands,” and he drops both his own hands to hold Neji's between their bodies, with all the strength he has. “And I trust that they can handle me with care.”
 “What if they don’t?”
  What if the trust is misplaced? Failure isn’t an option, until it is...
 “Then I’ll forgive you.”
 It’s infuriating, it’s almost unbearable -- to meet every worry and cynicism he has with calmness and faith. “What if they slip? What if my best intentions still hurt you?”
 “Then I’ll still forgive you.”
 This time, Neji didn’t have anything else to say. There wasn’t another  what if  hanging on his tongue.
 So instead of sinking, he decided that if he couldn’t understand it all, or accept it all, then he was at least going to express it all.
 “I… also thought that this wouldn’t happen. When you said earlier, that you didn’t believe in love, I didn’t think I’d ever feel love either…”
 The word Shikamaru actually said was  romance  , but Neji knew better. He And it’s nice to see Shikamaru blush, to flounder this time, the way he always does when he gets  too  much attention. 
 “But...”
 “But I found it. And I feel it.”
 Shikamaru averts his eyes, skin pinkening even under the moonlight. “Stop, or else you’re gonna make me feel special...”
 This time, Neji leaned in, wanting to taste the vulnerability and swallow it all up. “Shikamaru,” he said, hot against his lips as they grazed each other.
 “I love you too,” he returned, his eyes looking up their clumsily entangled hands when Neji leaned in to kiss him.
 Shikamaru tumbled backwards with the weight of Neji, Neji’s momentum hitting suddenly and passionately all encompassing -- like warmth; and there’s no all consuming  fire when he pins his hands down to the cool grass. Nothing about this is about to burn out or turn all in its wake into char and ember, or broken pieces of glass. 
 Neji slotted himself between Shikamaru’s legs, and took his left hand to support himself over Shikamaru while the other stayed with his fingers intertwined.
 It’s consuming like oxygen -- like the first breath of fresh air during a storm, or the one right afte completing a mission and realising that despite it all, you survived.
  And the both of them smiled, like they knew this, and they tumbled into each and every gentle touch.
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bellaswansong · 4 years
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i'm a faceblind kpop fan, here's my story.
before i get into it, i'm white and i wanna address what ive heard other white fans say many times: that every member looks the same. this is not true, and i'm not going to be using my faceblindness to justify saying that kind of thing. every example in this post involving people i know personally is about fellow white people.
anyway, kpop is known for having weird music videos. another thing a lot of kpop has is multiple people who are important in each song. its also common for every member of a group to undergo a drastic style change between videos.
i am not 100% face blind. im the kind of faceblind where it takes me a full ten seconds to recognise someone in a different place than where i usually see them. i also have trouble distinguishing faces of people i dont interact with, and i heavily rely on hair, glasses, and other non-face-related visual cues to recognise people. i spent my first year of college interacting with someone i knew in elementary, middle, and high school without recognising them at all because they had a super different haircut and a different name. i dont automatically notice people's eye color, i have to specifically think to check. if you ask me a celebrity's eye color, i won't be able to tell you. if i know someone's eye color irl, theyre either a close friend, a crush, or part of my immediate family.
so. i have trouble with kpop because:
weird music videos mean the context i see someone in is different almost every time
constant style changes mean i have no consistent way to identify each member
theres less continuity in the music videos than there would be in, say, a tv series; theres lots of cuts and scene switches and i cant keep track of who is who by where they are like i can in real life
they dont ever establish a connection between the changing styles because normal people can recognise faces. when someone i know gets a haircut, im usually still gonna see them in the same social context, meaning i have a chance to recognise them by the fact theyre saying hi to me and process of elimination based on the fact that the rest of my classmates are present. if all else fails, they can say "i got a haircut lol" and i might recognise their voice. (i cant tell voices apart either though, it took me two full arcs of the adventure zone to learn to tell all four people apart. that's about 15 hours of audio.)
in kpop, everyones hair changes at the same time, changing the way it frames their faces and leaving me without even one person i can still recognise easily.
when theres lots of people in one group, the hair colors sometimes overlap. there might be 2 members with blond hair or 2 members with silver hair, for example. this makes things really, really hard. once, 2 guys in one of my classes both dyed their hair purple at the same time and i lost the ability to distinguish between them for several weeks even though they have different heights. its the same thing with kpop
all of that being said, i am able to recognise a specific face once i have had enough practice. i can recognise every member of BTS and Seventeen, and theres a few members of other groups that i've learned to recognise as well.
but it takes conscious effort. i have to say to myself, "okay, ken's ears are shaped this way" or "the inner corner of suga's eyes are shaped like this" or "the8 and joshua's eyes look similar to me, but joshua's face is thinner and the8 has a distinct nose"
weve all heard the racist joke about about all the members looking the same, but that has never been a problem i had. my problem was that they all looked different from themselves as well as each other. i can tell them apart just fine, but it wouldnt seem that way to someone else because as soon as i see one of them in a new scene of the MV, he looks like a different person from before. if someone asks who he is, and if he's not the only member with that hair colour this time, i'll have to guess, and it'll look like i cant tell them apart when i can actually tell them apart too well.
oh, this group has five members and theyve put out 2 albums? i think you mean they have 10 members and half of the group worked on each album. i could tell taehyung apart from jungkook perfectly in DNA era, but then i saw a picture of taehyung from BS&T and couldnt figure out who it was. the hair styles and colors all constantly change. people's faces look completely different when they have bangs in their eyes. im right and i should say it.
here's the example that made me write this post. ACE is a cool group and their song Take Me Higher is a bop. watching the MV feels like talking to a group of very cool people and getting listened to while they laugh at all your jokes and make you laugh too. this is byeongkwan in the MV:
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gorgeous right? and i was certain id be able to recognise him in their other MVs because something about his face locked itself into my brain as soon as i saw him. like, legit, i could picture him in my head after watching the MV for the first time a year or so ago, and thats unusual for me. i think its mostly his eyes.
so anyway i clicked the MV for Undercover by. ACE to watch it yesterday. this is byeongkwan in undercover.
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the left photo still looks like a completely different person even after someone in the comments told me that timestamp was him. legit, i didnt recognise this guy until he held up a sign with his fucking name on it about halfway thru. its the way his hair covers up his forehead now! show me his eyebrows you cowards!
here's the screenshot that made things click (but only once i started pausing the video to get screenies for this post; he moved too quickly in this shot for me to identify him without pausing)
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but once its paused, i can see his eyes well enough that my brain finally connected the dots.
oh also this guy gets three separate looks in the same MV, because fuck faceblind people and also fuck not being hot. here's the third.
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whos this hot crop top guy? i thought to myself. hes really cute, i thought byeongkwan was my fave but maybe its this guy instead... i know theres multiple people with silver hair this time, since there was just a shot of the whole group dancing and two of them had silver hair, so maybe this is the other one? nope. still fucking byeongkwan. he also has pigtails w this look and its fucking radical.
so anyway, that's my struggle. kpop as an industry is inaccessible for faceblind fans because of the constant style changes and lack of continuity between MVs. speaking of which, fuck america's next top model for similar reasons. watching that show drove me fucking bonkers as a kid. stop giving everyone haircuts every week you dickheads!
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loxxxlay · 5 years
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okay basically i wrote this post last night in a fit of anxiety because im really confused and nervous and u guys always have good advice and a lot of ppl on here ARE neurodivergent and very knowledgeable about their respective mental disorders. i did study psychology for a few years, but the problem is that i have a really hard time diagnosing myself because things are so confusinggg in my brain and im too biased. so i wrote out all my symptoms that are troubling me most right now, and im wondering if anyone could give me ideas on where i should start? (like in getting tested for things):
if i set a goal, i achieve tons of shit adjacent to that goal but not the goal itself. like if i wanna write a story, ill do my homework, write all other stories, etc. if i wanna cook dinner, ill vacuum and clean my cat's literbox and do laundry. making something a goal is a surefire way to make sure it never gets done. so i can never make a real to do list :/
sitting in class, i cant pay attention. if i concentrate fully on what is going on, i zone out. buuuut if i play a mindless game on my phone or sketch my classmates, i suddenly start being able to pay attention
while im talking to someone, my brain goes faster than i can speak. i think of like 50 million topics in a split second and like.. to say One Story, i end up saying 50 stories that are only somewhat related. i interrupt myself to go on tangents and forget what i was saying in the first place :/
i cant do my homework until the morning before its due and i keep (responsibly, at least) skipping classes to extend due dates when i cant squeeze all the workload in
i have a lot of trouble doing things (like eat dinner) because i wanna, for example, eat, sleep, and shower all at the same time and i get stuck on which is more important and/or what order i should do them. i end up staying put and scrolling tumblr for 5 hours instead
if i do manage to get myself to do something, which is rare (homework, writing, etc.), i get so obsessed with it that i cant do anything else, including food or bathroom, until the task is Done. there is no such thing as reading a book in daily increments, for example. it either happens all in one day or it doesnt happen at all
i literally forget what im doing WHILE im doing it. i keep forgetting to check my balance AS I'M LITERALLY TYPING IN MY BANK PASSWORD. like how hard is that??? why am i so distracted??? this goes for responding to messages too. i keep getting messages asking if im mad because i just keep forgetting to respond to ppl :/
i also keep forgetting common words that i should know. like "spoon." they just vanish and reappear at will.
i will never in my life remember someone's name. im maxed out on the amount of names i can memorize.
my hearing is exceptionally good to the point where i freak ppl out by what i can hear. but most times when ppl speak, especially strangers, i dont understand a word they say. sometimes they sound like theyre speaking french tbh. and i miss 50% of what goes on in movies without subtitles. this happens less when im not anxious.
last week when i forgot my anxiety meds, i realized i was swinging back and forth in my chair, flapping my hands, and tapping my feet and Literally No One Else Was Moving O.O i noticed because of social anxiety (like what are ppl thinking of mee) but now that im back on meds, im noticing its still a thing? and who knows for how long :/
i put off a lot of tasks too.. like scheduling therapy or checking my email. like... its hard enough to keep my work/school schedule together. and it feels like everything else is slipping through a sieve
so yeah, basically diagnose me please lmao. xD like should i worry i have a brain tumor with the memory problems or should i assume mental illness. and if so, which should i get tested for first? theres so much overlap and my mom has made me doubt myself on everything. :/ so i need some advice. like is all this normal? i have straight A's despite these problems, and though it sucks to not be able to write most days... im not like... always unable to write. but honestly for the past year (since i started university again), its getting worse and worse :/ i wanna make sure i dont hit my limit and trigger a huge major depressive episode again
note: my mom does have bipolar disorder but every psychologist ive ever had has confirmed that i do not... even though im still unsure >.> because im an anxious tangle
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availableonvhs · 3 years
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hey so i realized i never did day 4 of nonbinary awareness week last yr bc it was for marginalized groups and i have this whole thing abt worrying abt faking being ND, but fuck that im gonna go ahead and do them really quick rn
1. What are your identities besides nonbinary?
autistic and adhd
2. How do your other identities intersect with your nonbinarity?
haha yeah there is a huge overlap of my transness and ND identities when it comes to my disconnect with femininity and womanhood. its like, do i not like having long hair bc its hard to manage and is annoying making it an adhd thing or is it bc i feel feminine w long hair which makes me dysphoric? the answer is yes. presenting feminine takes literally so much work so i tend to dress in basic shirts and pants, which is fine bc i prefer wearing that anyways as its more masculine/neutral to me, but there are moments where presenting feminine is ok for me but it still takes so much effort to achieve. its weird. 
also being placed in groups w girls (aside from some friend groups) has always been really awkward for me bc its like,,, idk how to talk to these ppl but hanging out w guy groups is awkward too bc idk how to talk to them either? is it an autistic thing or a nonbinary thing? its probably both. its not like i cant talk to anyone at all but when ur raised in a christian conservative environment where everyone is presumably cishetallo, the binary is so strongly enforced that theres a disconnect between men and women. im fine w my friends and some kids in my classes but in a lot of other classes and places outside of school im just so lost on understanding like,,, why ppl are like that. idk
not to mention w how i present and act probably comes across as both a queer thing and and nd thing to outsiders. like, the average person would look at my plain clothes, lack of makeup, and awkward behaviors and think ‘that person is not cis’ or ‘that person is not neurotypical’ (probably phrased more harshly) and theyd be right bc all of those things are bc of both my transness and ND identities, its just sometimes hard to pinpoint where one ends and where the other begins (and tbh i have no doubt in my mind that ppl have thought this of me before, like im pretty sure my own mom suspected i was trans before i even knew what that term was considering my long history of refusing to present feminine once puberty hit me)
3. Why do you think your specific experience is less visible than other experiences?
ahhh if im being honest, based on my experience i feel like its pretty well known that many ND folks are trans and vice versa??? lol i just have a lot of trans and ND mutuals, but ig outside of trans circles its not as well known bc idk ableism is weird??? and ppl dont get how much being autistic can affect ur relationship w gender, and then they give autistic ppl shit for describing their gender in unconventional ways when like the tiniest bit of research on their end could fix things. its weird. 
4. What’s something about your experience you would like others to know?
uhmmmm idk, ig like,,,, just understand that being nd, especially autistic, can affect how ppl understand gender and just be nice to nd trans folks
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(1/2) hng so this was a weird thing to take away from ur nsfw hcs (100/10 by the way, i love and theyre perf) but the one ab niles and the choking also made me think ab the diff ways l/n/o handle the trauma theyve been through. (in my personal hc) obvs theres overlap, but leo becomes kinda a workaholic/insomniac, niles is (as in canon)distrusting/often distant w/ def some triggers, and odin/the trio has a warped sense of priorities in regards to their own lives/injuries (listen i have a spiel ab
(2/2)how living a long period of their lives ready to die has shifted their outlooks and while they arent suicidal they have like? A very cavalier outlook on their own lives? ‘Dont do that, you could get hurt’ ‘its cool itd totally be worth it’ ‘not to US dipshit’ and im getting sidetracked and may ask u for hcs ab that later but my original ask was how do u think n/l/o reconcile/help each other w their diff types of trauma? I love ye olde comfort trope (happy holidays FYI! take ur time w this)
Firstly, I totally agree on your points about how these three handle trauma. I hadn’t thought about Leo’s methods too much, but overworking (being 8,000% over prepared for anything/needing that sense of “things are under control”) and insomnia make sense to me, as do Niles’ and Odin’s (which I may have also vaguely referred to before in other asks). (Also I’m glad you like my other hcs, lol).
In terms of how they comfort each other, I’ll start by initially referencing this ask , in which I mention that if Odin’s secret past were to come to light, he and Niles might benefit by discussing their traumas together, as actually verbalizing their experiences (rather than leaving things unsaid as Odin might with Selena and Laslow, who experienced the bad timeline firsthand) and getting fresh perspectives might help. Niles’ and Odin’s pasts aren’t the same (different settings, different monsters, etc), but they can still probably relate to each other in certain ways. (That ask, btw, sorta also references this longer, semi-related ask if you want a larger context, but that’s the gist of what it says). So in a world where Odin is able to discuss his past trauma without giving the time/dimensional travel away (or where it is an open secret), frank discussion would probably benefit him and Niles both. 
I get the feeling Niles’ past isn’t discussed with Leo a lot? In his and Niles’ support, Leo seems pretty uncomfortable hearing about Niles’ past (when Niles is describing it in unpleasant flashes, I mean) and he actually bails kinda early in their C-Support, to the point where Niles apologizes to Leo in their B-Support in case he burdened Leo in some way. (Niles also admits he doesn’t remember a lot of his time before meeting Leo anyway, so that’s something else to unpack altogether.) Leo assures Niles that isn’t true, so he definitely isn’t shutting down that kind of communication entirely. It’s not that he’s unnecessarily unwilling so much as that he’s kinda awkward, I think. He expresses interest in what Niles has to say by asking if he has any pleasant memories of his past at all, which allows Niles to continue talking without diving back into unpleasant material for both of them. Even though Leo’s uncomfortable, he’s probably a decent listener? In their exchange, Leo seems to have the lesser amount of dialogue, often offering two or three word answers. Part of that seems to be a search for words to say, however. He’s probably better when given a heads-up. He and Niles probably don’t talk the same way Odin and Niles do about their traumas though. Leo seems to discuss the present/future worries more than past ones.
That said, I feel like Leo is the type to help more through understanding/making the situation easier for the upset person. Like, if they had to cross a bridge, he might suggest they take the longer way around and would only explicitly ask “Odin, are you okay?” if they were absolutely going to cross the bridge and it was particularly intimidating. Granted, he might not even ask at all if he’s confident Odin will be fine and doesn’t want to draw attention to it. (Leo places a lot of faith in his retainers, which sometimes appears as giving them space and independence in times of stress.)
(Also, I’m not sure Odin would admit to his fear deterring him unless explicitly asked, so that’s probably another conversation altogether too.) Leo might offer slow down or do something more once the bridge had been crossed though. 
But in another example, like, if he were sitting in a room with Niles and Niles was clearly upset thinking about something (maybe the past or another trigger), if Leo asks “Do you want to talk” and Niles says “No,” Leo would sit there in silence with Niles until Niles was feeling better. 
It’s hard to explain, but while Leo is direct in his own way, I feel like if he has all the information on a situation already, he’s not direct/asking questions the same way Niles or Odin might be.
(I feel like I’ve strayed a bit from the “comfort” part of this ask, so let’s get back on track, lol.)
Niles is the first to recognize a panic attack in any of them, including himself, and when Leo has his first panic attack, he’s the one who tells Leo to put his head down and helps him breathe until it’s over and then explains what happened when Leo asks why
When Leo overworks himself, Odin and Niles both take notice and they go out of their way to do more themselves to lessen Leo’s burden. They also either remind him to slow down or try to guide him to bed when he works late into the night too. They take turns staying up with him when Leo can’t sleep; sometimes they both stay up, but one of them has to be functional in the morning, so they try to take turns.
Finding Leo asleep in the library or on top of a book or some other place that isn’t his bed isn’t unusual, but if so, either Niles or Odin usually aren’t far away
There are things Niles Doesn’t Like and places/ways he just doesn’t want to be touched (example: don’t touch his neck too much bc that activates a fight or flight response) and so Odin and Leo don’t do those things and/or back off when Niles seems to be getting oddly fidgety and give him his space when he needs it
that said Niles is pretty tactile in private, so they’re experts by now
His memories before Leo are in fragments (as said in his Supports) so any dreams/suddenly triggered memories of his past make him feel Off for a little while. He doesn’t always talk about it–– Odin and Leo alternate between listening when he wants to speak and giving him space to reminisce depending on his mood. He’ll more often speak to Odin and sit quietly with Leo. It can happen the other way around, but it’s more common the first way.
Odin tries to hide when he’s upset the most? (Niles is super guarded unless alone with Leo and eventually also Odin. Leo also hides it, and while he’s decent, he’s not the best and his retainers see right through him anyway, especially once they’ve been around Leo for a while.) 
Maybe that’s the wrong way to phrase it. That is, while Odin might say he’s not feeling well, he’s sometimes the least likely to say why, especially if it deals with pre-Nohr stuff. 
Odin has a tendency to be vague about what’s triggering or at the very least bothering him, especially since most of his trauma comes from his secret past which is… secret, obviously. The tendency to keep it quiet even if Niles and Leo have already found out about his past still persists.
The main signs that Odin is distressed is that he gets (a.) quiet and (b.) speaks normally and seems reluctant to talk. When the source is obvious (like they’re climbing a mountain and it’s the heights thing), Niles and Leo try to talk to him as a distraction, which usually helps. When the source is less obvious/talking doesn’t help, holding hands to keep Odin grounded in the moment usually works pretty well. 
Touch is pretty good for all three of them most of the time, actually.
Happy holidays to you too! I hope you’ve had a good December!
#my text#asks#fe14#trauma discussion#long post#i didn't touch on the 'doing things that'll definitely end up with injuries' thing that you mentioned but i wasn't ignoring it on purpose#the heights thing was just easier to use as an example#i feel like i had more to say but i can't put it into words so! thanks! i hope this was what you were looking for bc i feel like i was#somehow too vague still lol#EDIT: something i was trying to say earlier but i wasn't sure i had the words to do so#was that i feel like odin is good at compartmentalizing??#not that niles or leo aren't because they do in their own way#but specifically tho#but i feel like the theatrics and talking like a hero thing was a hobby/interest that developed into a coping mechanism as a kid#and just continued on#which i may have mentioned before#i feel like it's less a coping mechanism and more just a fun thing he got used to by fates#bc it wasn't needed as much#but there was a good meta i read before about how selena and laslow remember people from ylisee and odin remembers/relates to events#idk where i'm really going with this or how to put it all together coherently so maybe don't even ask because i'll be just as confused as#you are but#idk i was gonna say something about how his compartmentalizing and theatrics combine into a form of disassociation? but then maybe#that's not the right word either#there's a distance#and anyway it's changed by fates at least a little and definitely lessened even if so#and i'm definitely not an expert or qualified to maybe make that call anyway#i've definitely lost the thread here sorry#if anyone asks what i'm trying to say here i won't have any idea what to tell them#blugh i tried
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haunthearted · 6 years
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I wanted to recommend a very good website, especially to my trans, dysphoric or dissociative followers.
Gender Analysis is a very well researched, well-sourced website about the trans experience. I take whatever opportunities I can to write polite, good-faith, educational replies to people on Reddit who don't "get" trans things, and I always rely heavily on GA because whatever the topic, there will be an article filled with the original scientific papers rebutting transphobic viewpoints. It can also be useful for supporting conversations with parents/friends, because it has the primary research right there. For example, today I learnt that all the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria ("my kid got a tumblr and now she says shes transgender because of peer pressure!") originated on three anti-trans websites, and despite its official-sounding name, has no research behind it. I knew that intellectually, but it's powerful to have the evidence clearly there for you.
Zinna Jones is one of the key writers there, and you may know her other work as she's been a prominent internet trans human for many years (how she has the courage and spoons for that, I will never know). One of her key experiences of gender dysphoria was depersonalisation: a weird, fuzzy, not-quite-thereness. On beginning hormones, it cleared up immediately: she had an "I didn't know what wrong felt like until I started feeling right" experience, as well you might if feeling oddly absent is your normal day-to-day experience. Because it wasn't a focus of how dysphoria was written about while she was coming up, she's done a lot of writing and research on it at Gender Analysis: describing what it felt like, researching comparable experiences in other trans narratives, and most recently trialing an anti-dissociative drug to see how it affected her.
Many of us come to ghosthood due to experiencing similar things to Jones - a not-quite-thereness, an oddness, a sense of timelessness and dislocation. Some of us very clearly associate it with trauma, a mental illness, or gender dysphoria; for others, it's just part of the fabric of life. I would like to recommend reading her posts on this particular topic to anyone who experiences something similar.
Now, if you relate to what she writes it doesn't mean you're transgender - don't panic - as varieties of depersonalisation can be a symptom of all sorts of other things - especially trauma and trauma-related conditions like BPD/CPTSD. But you might still find her descriptions useful.
On the other hand, if you are identifying as transgender and wondering if hormones are for you, you might find it validating or helpful.
(and because the world is horrible, there's no small chance that trans people are also traumatised. There's a great pair of posts that I'm sure you've already read, "That was dysphoria?" - but also her follow up, in which she re-experiences some of those symptoms as a depression.)
Finally, a recent post series explored an anti-depersonalisation drug, which you might be interested in exploring as an option for yourself. I had no idea there was such a thing!
In short, I was re-reading the archives this morning, and it occurred to me that a great many followers here might appreciate or find these posts useful. Make of them what you will, and best wishes to you all x
A tonne more thoughts after the cut:
This isn't meant to be "a trans blog", so I'm not going to focus on this too often. But certainly for me, Jones' posts really spoke to me and my experiences. I think there's a real danger in underselling how weird gender dysphoria feels. One sort of expects or assumes gender dysphoria is "I hate my breasts because I am a man"; there isn't so much written about how it can be "I'm tired, I don't really care, everything seems hollow and false, but I can't imagine life being any different because it's what I've always known, and it's not clearly anything to do with gender". That's been my experience - and it's incredibly hard to spot. I've been through six diagnoses since I was a teen (OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, ADHD, autism), because while I've always been clearly unwell, it's hard to pinpoint gender dysphoria when it just manifests as brainweird, especially when that brainweird is you normal, as it was for Jones.   For example, I've never really recognised my own face in the mirror. Weird, but whatever. When I was considering hormones last year, I decided to take up weightlifting as part of my experimentation process. It would allow me to see how I felt about developing a more masculine body, in a controlled way, and as someone who *hates* exercise, it would also be a useful test of commitment: was I dysphoric enough to motivate me to go to the gym? Because if not, I probably was not dysphoric enough to transition either. Well, I went three times a week and followed the correct food recommendations for building muscle until I could no longer afford either; and then it happened. I looked in the mirror and it was like a visceral, immediate shock of recognition. And now I can't unsee it. Every time I look in the mirror, my brain immediately pings back "nice Robert Plant vibe you got there man", which is ridiculous; no one else on the planet would see me and think that. But that very small amount of muscle, and slightly-more-masculine-shoulder/arm-profile, was enough to make my brain recognise itself for the first time.
Sometimes you don't understand what "wrong" feels like until you have "right" to compare it to.
(I think those of us with early experience of abuse might also relate to that; the way that being loved and respected by a good person later in life can be both shocking, and bring on a period of processing and heavy reflection because it illustrates how very wrongly you were treated before. Even if you know it intellectually,  just the experience can be profound. Certainly, I've got a few experiences of not-being-taken-advantage-of which were absolutely shattering, like I was being taught how to love myself for the first time.)
And as you might expect, I'm also feeling very reluctant to pursue transition. This sort of nebulous dysphoria is, well - . I envy very much the "I knew I was trans from the moment I hit puberty because I hated the gender I was living in" people, who clearly see gender as their problem. It's very hard to contemplate something as life-changing as transition when its motivated by an increasing certainty that the only cure for my incurable mental ill is a different hormone balance, and as many days I have where I ask myself why I didn't transition 5 years ago already, I have others where I know I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming through the process as my last resort.
Like, a few years ago I was at a "Even if I am transgender, I think I'd rather live as a woman [for reasons]" point; and now I'm at a "I would still rather live as a woman, but I am desperate to have enough disposable income to buy a really nice set of towels and maybe transition would make me well enough to not only work, but have a real career, and maybe I could buy a car, and go on holiday, and start buying tailored clothes instead of charity shop, and maybe redecorate my house in faux-Victorian style, and I really don't care if everybody hates me and I no longer have a coherently cisgender body, I would do anything to be able to afford unusual cheeses and teas rather than subsisting on stew" point. It sounds so shallow, but there it is; because so many of the problems I have don't feel dysphoria-related, because I'm only understanding them as dysphoria-related because nothing else has made an impact, my focus is increasingly on the little things in life I want to achieve, and maybe could achieve if my brainweird was fixed. I'm now fairly sure that if/when I do transition physically, I'll continue to recognise myself more, and realise how much of an impact physical dysphoria was having.
But it's what I know. And like Hamlet says, easier to bear the struggles we know than fly to others that we know not of.
Sidenote:
Intermittently, you'll see approaches which try to set up trans or mentally ill people as enemies to otherkin people, like the two experiences cannot co-exist, or like otherkin people ought to take the fall for the way transphobic use them as an anti-trans "gotcha". I personally find this very frustrating: I prefer approaches which are open, rather than closed off. Many/most of my followers here are either trans, mentally ill, have trauma, experience dysphoria or some other unspecified bodyweird/brainweird. In real life, I have four otherkin/therian/furry friends - and they too all meet that description. {There are also many otherkin who see their history as spiritual or religious, who aren't trans/mentally ill/traumatised, or who don't really know the source of their experiences - all of which is also OK!}.
I would always prefer to take a holistic and compassionate approach to the way experiences can overlap, rather than a combatative/competitive/polarised one; any hostile or fightin' talk messages/replies will be ignored, blocked or deleted as appropriate, because that's not a value I have for my online space. Although I'm open to discussing or exploring it, so please don't hold back if you want to talk about your experiences in good faith.
In short, there is a fairly significant overlap between people who come to identify as transgender/dysphoric/mentally ill, and those who come to identify as otherkin, or who might temporarily identify with one of those experiences while figuring things out  - and this post is for them. Politics makes things sound so simple and clean-cut, but people are messy and complex, and I'd much rather help individuals navigate and explore their experiences - even if they are contradictory, or don't support my political goals. Trying to figure out brainweird and bodyweird is challenging enough, without making people tread on eggshells during the process.
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unloneliest · 4 years
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hi i don’t think pan ppl are transphobic, just because bi ppl can be attracted to 2+ genders and pan are attracted to all doesn’t mean pan ppl or bi ppl are transphobic. i deal w panphobic things anytime anyone mentions pansexuality and i really thought your blog would be safe from that. i'm pan and don’t use bi bc i recognize i'd be attracted to someone regardless of gender identity as long as i find them attractive (and this has nothing to do w seeing trans ppl as a dif gender), if they're 1/
this is a long post & i want ppl to have the option 2 skip it so i’m putting it under a readmore; above all else i’m so thankful that you sent me these asks and deeply sorry that i rb’d something that made you feel unsafe on my blog. i agree with you; i don’t think bi or pan people are inherently transphobic and i’m really sorry i implied that with that post!
2/ if they ID as demiboy or demigirl, or genderfluid or anything else that isn't binary, then i really don’t care. i'm not saying bi ppl can’t feel the same since i said bi people are attracted to 2+ genders or all, but pan is rooted in the emphasis of all gender identities. yes theres a lot of overlap but just... i'm hurt that you'd rb smth like that, i understand the last line of its root in transphobia but being gay/straight and so many other things have issues that clash w other LGBT+ IDs
3/ if anything, i've dealt with internalized panphobia and homophobia, i just never felt comfortable with saying i was bi, not because it was "boring" or "binary" but bc everyone would just assume i was attracted to guys and women which was never the case and saying i was pan allowed for me to show that i knew that there are more than 2 gender identities and that i was attracted to all of them
hi its the 3 pt ask anon and its like i completely get why bi ppl would be upset w pan ppl but its just so hard when both are oppressed and one of the most common arguments is like: we aren't seen so we have to be seen first before you try to get into this too. i get why biphobia exists but the same biphobia exists for pan ppl. so many ppl say you're just straight bc of a het relationship or you're just bi then. or the whole theres only two genders argument. and its like i'm as open to dating
5?/ anyone. i genuinely do not care about whichever gender they ID as since i just find ppl attractive for being attractive. and bi ppl can be the same. there is a LOT of overlap and i'm not going to dismiss any worries or concerns. all i know is that the pan community i've surrounded myself with to find love in my sexuality and community have constantly explained that theres overlap but it depends to the person and neither sexuality is transphobic so i try to never overstep or invalidate either
but thank you for listening, so many ppl just invalidate pan voices who try to put both bi and pan ppl into view while acknowledging how theres overlap but theres a difference. its hard feeling invalidating when all i (and others) do is be as inclusive as possible and try to never overstep. i listen to others worries like you do and i've learned so much from your blog and your rbs which i appreciate. it was just hard seeing panphobia & biphobia when i've tagged both to filter the words out
8?? sorry i lost count/ ty again for listening
hi and again just. thank you, for sending me these. i’ve privated the post for now, because i don’t want to hurt anybody but i also don’t want to avoid accountability 4 hurtful actions; i’d most like to delete the post but probably only will if you’re ok with that. and if i ever rb something that includes biphobia or panphobia i’ll do my best to always tag them.
and again i’m so sorry to have rb’d a hurtful post especially bc that runs so opposite to what i want to be doing with this blog & i know that when i’ve found something hurtful shared in spaces i viewed as safe it’s somehow hurt a lot worse than when i’ve encountered hurtful attitudes in places i was expecting it. 
in retrospect the phrasing on that post was Not kind, & didn’t convey the nuance i read into it. my baseline assumption of both bi and pan people is that neither group is inherently transphobic; both identities have extremely similar experiences and my perspective on different lgbtq+ identities in general is that our strength is in solidarity and isolating/separating can be really dangerous to the lgbtq+ community’s ability to thrive and work on making the world better and safer for us all. 
i’m really glad that you’ve found love and support within the pan community and i have all the respect and admiration in the world for my bi and pan siblings in the lgbtq+ community! being able to find folks who share your identity and to find pride in yourself together is so healing and important and i’m so glad for the times i’ve experienced that in my life as well. 
you’re right that all communities do have issues with transphobia, and i normally wouldn’t join in on other identity’s in-community conversations; i thought about that when reblogging the post earlier but i do my best to rb posts asking people to examine if their beliefs and identity might be formed on transphobic assumptions when it comes to all labels and that’s why i did originally rb. i do my best to rb a lot of posts asking wlw to examine potentially transphobic ideas they might hold, because i’m an afab nonbinary wlw and so regardless of the fact that i’m not cis, i have a lot more privilege than trans women do in wlw spaces and i know i need to be doing what i can to make wlw spaces safe for trans women & girls.
and the post i rb’d did just have pretty shitty & confrontational wording, which i didn’t think about when rb’ing it. i’m sorry again for that! 
my reasoning in rb’ing that post was the same as when i rb posts asking wlw to examine their views; not that everyone of the groups in question are inherently shitty in some way, but that we all could use reminders to reflect sometimes and that occasionally people will be misinformed or have a shitty view/shitty views - but that that’s not the norm. i also felt more ok rb’ing this post bc i for a very long time id’d as bi, and my attraction as a lesbian still is to women and nonbinary people who don’t feel misgendered by the attraction of a lesbian; some people would call me bi for that, but it’s a common lesbian experience. i really relate to what you said about choosing pan because it really clearly sends the message that you’re attracted to people regardless of gender, bc i chose lesbian as a label bc it sends the message that i’m Not attracted to men! it’s about how i want people to see me.
my reading of the post was connected to experiences i had with some pretty shitty transphobic ex coworkers; they didn’t know i wasn’t cis, but a number of my coworkers at the time were bi. transphobia/biphobia tw for the rest of this paragraph/ the ex coworkers were pan and they adamantly told me/other coworkers that bisexuality was attraction to men and women whereas pansexuality was attraction to men, women, and trans people. my assumption based off of them wasn’t that pan people are transphobic/that pan as an identity is inherently transphobic, but that they as individuals sucked and were transphobic & biphobic?
that experience does touch on what the post was about though, i think. since the bi manifesto written in 1990 “official” definitions of bisexuality have been stating that bi doesn’t just mean attraction to men and women, and that there are more than 2 genders; it’s society’s biphobia that causes people to think that bisexuality isn’t inherently inclusive of more than 2 genders/inherently inclusive of trans people. its clear to me that you know there’s overlap in the communities and that you’re not transphobic and again that’s my baseline assumption of pan or bi people! ik that stinkers are always the exception in communities.
i rb’d the post because i think self reflection on internalized bs is good, and i didn’t realize how confrontational & potentially shitty the post was; i’m really sorry that i rb’d it and made my blog feel unsafe & i’m going to do my best to be more thoughtful in the future. i hope that me sharing why i rb’d it doesn’t come across as an excuse, either; i’m just hoping knowing my intentions might help w/ the experience. 
(if ppl must know, link to the post here )
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childliike · 6 years
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hi everybody !! ( hi dr nick! ) im ARI, pst, she/they pronouns ( your pick go wild ), and boy do i love murder :)) i bring 2 u my mixed up ghost of a son, JOHN “JD” DOE !! i understand his bio is basically a novella, so the TL;DR is that he was raised in captivity by a serial killer, and when said serial killer was caught he just kinda,,, wandered the streets? he’s only really been participating in the world for like three years, so in a lot of ways he is like a small child. a small child who really likes playing w dead bodies. ( istg this all makes some kind of sense in long form sigh )  anyway,,,, if you did read the bio and youre like ‘that was great but how do i give even MORE of my valuable time to this stranger?’, you can find some headcanons under the cut !! ( i mean, youre also free to read them if you didnt read the bio ofc, but i cant guarantee they’ll make sense ok ) OH HEY you know what else you’ll find under the cut ?? some vague ideas for connections. yeah. sexy stuff like that. in a group this size i generally prefer to establish our charas dynamic before jumping into threads, so if you see something you like, let ya boi know !! otherwise hop in my DMs or ill hop in yours and we’ll work something out, it’ll be great. OKAY i’ll stop rambling now enjoy the stuff kids !!
headcanons —
JD always eats quickly and desperately, like it might be the last food he gets for days
also hell eat like, anything. catch him scraping mold off bread and then eating it.
he has a dog, some kind of rottweiler mutt, that he picked up on his travels. his name is dog. JD sometimes feeds him human meat.
he loves fire!!! so much ok hed probs marry it if he could if theres a fire anywhere in the vicinity he either lit it or is looking for it so he can feed it
aside from some unwanted touching from random sketchy hippie-types, JD is a virgin
he feels sexual attraction occasionally, but he mostly associates sex with violence, and stays away from it for that reason. he’s pretty sure that he’s never felt romantic attraction, but he kinda hopes he will someday
he feels more comfortable with women than men, but is conditioned to do just about anything a man tells him to do
that said, gender seems rather trivial to him, in the sense of both attraction and identity. if he lived in a more enlightened time, he would identify as agender.
he is somehow both the most innocent and the most disturbed boy you will ever meet. its an unsettling combo.
hes so curious about everything. seriously. hes basically only been in the world for like 3 years ok theres SO much he doesnt know and he wants to LEARN
especially curious about families and hometowns and human relationships bc that shits all like, bizarre and surreal to him lol
will hover silently around you until you directly address him or tell him to stop, and maybe even after that
catch him crossing boundaries constantly (figurative and physical, hes just as likely to ask you if your mother loved you cause it seems like probs not as to play with your hair without permission)
hell apologize like crazy if you call him on it tho, he just literally has no sense of like, how human interaction is supposed to work
like hes faked it ok-ish for the last few years but only because he mostly keeps his mouth shut and moves around a lot yknow? hes self aware enough to know he’s not human-ing right, but not self aware enough to actually learn how to human right
hes basically illiterate :( he never had any formal schooling and pretty much everything he knows about letters and numbers he learned from sesame street. if he tries really hard he can decipher basic things like street signs and menus to some degree, but most of the time he just fakes it
hes an open book in that hell answer just about any question truthfully (at least within the club) and will sometimes casually spout some very personal, truly disturbing shit like its nothing, but hes not the type to ever just bare his soul, and its doubtful anyone in the club knows his whole story
for him, killing is less about the actual act, and more about the access to a body. he loves exploring. he plays with his food, so to speak.
he has a complicated relationship with killing in general, due mostly to his mixed feelings about hank. he doesnt want to be like hank, but he also feels a bloodlust that he cant deny. he thinks about killing most people that he interacts with, but he suppresses the urges as best he can. when he does kill, its in an almost disassociative state- his usually careful demeanor becomes delirious and vicious.
connection ideas —
( note: many of these could overlap, or be filled by multiple people )
the person who introduced him to the kill club !! probably someone drifter-y or sketchy who would swim in the same semi-homeless circles he does. ie. knows him from that spot under the bridge where kids get stoned or that abandoned strip mall with all the mattresses and burned-out oil drums in it or some place like that. my son doesnt really fuck with institutions.
someone whose couch he crashes on currently/occasionally. could be anyone who doesnt mind a hover-y waif of a boy and a big growl-y dog in their space (or,,,, come to think of it, someone who DOES mind,,,)
which is a prefect segue to: someone who hates this kid. in my totally biased opinion, hes crazy lovable, but maybe your character doesnt like being asked a ton of personal questions? maybe they just find it creepy how he hovers around everyone? maybe theyre unsettled by how his eyes go all black like an excited cat when he gets to play with someones innards? maybe they knew one of them women he helped hank kidnap/murder???? idk man the skys the limit
on the other hand, how about someone who takes on a parental/big sibling type role? someone who disregards all the fucked up shit about him and just sees a lost and confused little boy who so desperately needs someone to take care of him and teach him stuff
a best friend???? hes never really had any friends at all so idk how this would go down but its worth a shot????
someone who,, kind of takes up the mantle that hank left empty? a manipulator who sees JD as the well-conditioned beta bitch that he is and uses him for their own gain
uhhhhh maybe someone he somehow knew before the kill club and is shocked to find there?? they probably wouldnt be as shocked tho he has a certain ~vibe about him lol
idk i think thats all ive got for now but im super open to other ideas hmu yo god bless
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First time Car Owner Getting Insurance?
"First time Car Owner Getting Insurance?
I'm a college student, not living with my parents, which means I will need to start my own parents. and I'm looking to buy my first car, which might be an out-of-state title. Say I eventually, locked on a deal. The question is: Do I have to buy insurance before paying for the car. But then how does the insurance company assess the quote since I haven't had a car yet. Do I just tell them the make and year of the car I'm Going to buy for sure or how does it work? What if I bought the insurance, but the deal didn't work out, and I have to choose other car/ make/ year? Or, can I get it insured soon After I make the purchase? If so, what happens between I picked up it from the seller and driving it to get it insured. Do I get screw if I had an accident during this time. I probably sound pretty stupid by now.. but dude help me out here.
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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I'm about to be 16 and I'm a total Sci-Fi geek. I LOVE Back to the Future and ever since I've seen it I've wanted a DeLorean. Well we know someone who could get us a new one cheap, so that's no problem. My only concern is the insurance, and my parents aren't up for that. I don't know how much it is, but if someone our there is actually credible on the topic, could you give me a reasonable answer with a high and low. Thank you to all who answer :)""
Insurance (probability)?
An auto insurance company has 10,000 policy holders. Each policy holder is classified as.. - young or old - male or female - married or single Of these policyholders, 30000 are young, 4600 are male, and 7000 are married. the policyholders can also be classified as 1320 young males, 3010 married males, and 1400 young married persons. Finally, 600 of the policyholders are young married males. How many of the company's policyholders are young, female, and single?""
Car insurance for 17 year old male?
hi how much would cost a car insurance for 17 year old male? with engine 1.4 or 1.6 for example volksvagen golf or honda civic? is it worth to wait a year until im 18 will cost of the insurance descrease much?
What is the basic kind of insurance required by California Law?
What kind of insurance covers something like another driver hitting your car door, and then driving off before you could get their license plate # what is comprehensive , and what is collision, ?""
Does GEICO stand for General Electric Insurance Company?
Does GEICO stand for General Electric Insurance Company?
How much would I pay for my yearly motorcycle insurance?
Thank you for your time. I am a 18 year old freshman university student living in Canada and I am really interested in buying a new motorcycle. I recently got my M1 and I will be going for my M2 next, so I am still kinda inexperienced. I looked at a few motorcycle websites and a couple of them read that motorcycle insurance is affected by age, experience, driving record, bike engine, etc. I figured that a medium sized engine probably wouldn't cost too much so I looked at a bike with 600cc. I am not worried about the initial cost of the bike since my scholarship money out-pays my tuition and housing by an excess of $4000. Also, I have had no history of accidents in cars or anything. I was wondering, based on my history and my status, what would be a good approximation of the yearly insurance I would have to pay given that I am a student and I am looking at a 600cc bike? Any input is appreciated.""
My Insurance auto accident settlement?
I was recently in a car accident where a Nissan truck ran into the back of another car that then ran into the back of me causing $2000 worth of damage to the rear of my infiniti. I received moderate whiplash to my neck and had to be taken to the hospital. I checked out without any broken bones and was prescribed medication. I went to see a chiropractor and he has been working on my neck for a couple days which makes it feel a better. Im 100% not at fault and the insurance company has taken care of my car repair, rental, and medical bills. They ask me How much do I think I want for this accident for pain and suffering. I believe I am entitled to at least $3500-5000 for my suffering I live in NC. I believe $5000 is a reasonable consider the circumstances. I could have lost my life, broke my neck and been paralyzed for life. Thank the lord that I received only a whiplash. The stress that I am undergoing, the constant pain in my neck is a reminder of the accident, which I feel fearful of driving. The time I spent recovering could have been spent enjoying my life. Besides getting behind in my school work, I am absent from my student organization at school which I am a key figure ( president AGC). I don't enjoy waking up with cramps and headaches nor do I like to take prescription pills, and therapy. I don't want to be compensation a insufficient amount that wont even cover pain and suffering I went though. It seems like you people are on the side of the insurance company and not the victims in this situation. I wonder if any of you have ever been in an automobile accident and if you have must share some sort of empathy of what I am reiterating.""
Do you think everyone needs life insurance?
I am 24 years old and someone I know wants me to get life insurance from them but it is only a 20 year term policy what do you think is the propability that I will actually die in between then and now?
What should a 16 year old expect to pay for insurance?
I have never had insurance before. I own my first car right now. I have a graduated drivers license. and I have taken a drivers ed course. I need to know how much to expect to pay a month. Thanks!(:
What are some cheap car insurance companys?
What car insurance companys are cheap... and do they have a web site/phone number so I can get a quote thanks!
Could any Teens with sports cars tell me how much there insurance in under there parents name?
Can u tell me the Cost of your insurance and the car u have to help me get an idea of how much a Teen boys sports car would cost when it comes to insurance? Oh and does anyone know if the 177hp solstice would have lower insurance then the 350Z?
How much does the insurance company raise your rates if you use your car for work?
I'm talking about reading meters where I had to use it everyday, often driving from house to house or business to business all day. And I still have a lien on my car. I currently pay about $60 a month.""
Question about car insurance?
I'm 17, have a twin brother and we currently both have provisional licences. When we pass our test we will be sharing a car. I will (probably) pass first by a couple of weeks. How do I get insurance which is cheap for us both but means that I can drive straight away? Do I buy insurance for just me and then add him on it after he passes his test or buy it with me and him provisional and then 'upgrade' him later? Not sure what to do. Also we're considering buying provisional insurance for a month or so, could we buy provisional and then upgrade me if/when i pass then upgrade him when he passes. Hope this makes sense thanks in advance""
""OMG, Men and car insurance!?""
Teenage boys have to pay more for car insurance, If it was the other way around and women had to pay more Feminist would throw a fit, This is a freaken double standard. How do you feel about this. p.s. I know that the rates for male teenage is higher then female teenagers but if this was switched the feminist would be pist.""
Can I get Insurance I am the only employee at my office Group of One?
I live in California and work for a Doctor's office but it is only part time. I have been working for a little over three years and my boss said I can look into the option of getting health insurance however all the companies I look at only want to insure groups of people can my employer get me health coverage even though I am the only one on the plan. Curious in California
Do insurance companys consider the Honda civic si has a sports car?
My company is AAA and does anyone know who much my insurance would cost Im a 16 year old Male in Tennessee and im real looking at the blue honda civic si coupe thanks
Please explain what comprehensive car insurance means.?
Please explain what comprehensive car insurance means.?
Title insurance in WA?
My lender charged me about $2,100 (for both lender's and owner's title insurance) for a home price of about $260,000. Is this normal? How much the rate for title insurance in WA state? What is the best title insurance company in WA state? Thank you in advance. Jo""
""If my annual premium is 6043.23, what is monthy car insurance cost?""
If my annual premium is 6043.23, what is monthy car insurance cost?""
The best health insurance?
im was wondering whats the best health insurance to get for some who is 19. someting that has eye vision to. i work but i dont have insurance from my job its along story so dont ask. i need something that is affordable. i live in southern california. any suggestions will do. this stuff is all confusing to me . copayment? or deductible? please help!!!
Insurance for 19 yr old female?
I'm working full time and don't have insurance through my employer. My parents are on Medicaid therefor I cannot be on their health insurance. I live with a roommate. Work. Don't go to school yet. I wear glasses, take ADHD/asthma/allergy/ibs medicine, and need work done to the teeth. What do I do? My parents are not helping at all.""
First time Car Owner Getting Insurance?
I'm a college student, not living with my parents, which means I will need to start my own parents. and I'm looking to buy my first car, which might be an out-of-state title. Say I eventually, locked on a deal. The question is: Do I have to buy insurance before paying for the car. But then how does the insurance company assess the quote since I haven't had a car yet. Do I just tell them the make and year of the car I'm Going to buy for sure or how does it work? What if I bought the insurance, but the deal didn't work out, and I have to choose other car/ make/ year? Or, can I get it insured soon After I make the purchase? If so, what happens between I picked up it from the seller and driving it to get it insured. Do I get screw if I had an accident during this time. I probably sound pretty stupid by now.. but dude help me out here.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-cahnge-car-insurance-after-7-days-getting-due-have-pay-mcclure"
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