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#i think i may have bdp
confessions-official · 2 months
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I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. During my evaluation, the Dr was like "There's a chance you may have BDP, but it's probably just ADHD. Probably."
Now that I've educated myself more about ADHD in general, I'm beginning to wonder if that "probably" was a "oh honey, yeah. You got both."
I'm in my early 30s, and I thought that getting diagnosed and on meds would help (and it has, SO MUCH) get my shit together, but now I'm sitting here wondering if those "mood swings" wherein I'm screaming and feel so angry over the tiniest thing to the point of *wanting* to cause harm to someone/something is not just me struggling with the emotional regulation issue of ADHD.
To be clear, I do not want to hurt anyone and have not (minus minor scuffles with siblings when I was a kid). But I find myself thinking that if I *knew* there would be no consequences...I would straight up beat the hell out of someone (that deserves it) for the stress relief alone. And that terrifies the shit out of me.
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darkestcorners · 2 years
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Something that I find appealing about your stories is other than how wonderfully written and thoughtfully planned it is, you also raise awareness and clear the misunderstandings when it comes to mental disorders like, jk yandere-ism didn't have any correlation with him having BDP which most people would've done. People need to know that people diagnosed with such disorders are functional people irl and are heavily stigmatized with bad portrayals by Hollywood most of the time.
Hi babes! ❤️
Thank you so much ! I really appreciate this because I do try my best to raise awareness and not have any misunderstandings! I also encourage my readers to call out anything they may have an issue with or if I wrongly explained something. I’m open to that type of critican all the time because I know how important it is to try and accurately portray mental disorders. I think it’s the psychology student in me that’s overly paranoid with anyone misunderstanding mental health in general and wrongly stereotyping a certain disorder. And I agree! There’s so much misrepresentation in Hollywood & we definitely don’t need more of that, even in fanfiction. Hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for sharing this sweet message and your thoughts babes. 🫶🥰🥰
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plovk · 3 months
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I think I may have schizophrenia. It kinda scares me because I'm already diagnosed with cptsd, anxiety, depression and did. My psychiatrist also thinks about bipolar and bdp. But I never got a manic episode so...
Schizophrenia? I have too many symptoms and my psychiatrist thinks about that from the start. He sees me every two weeks, gave me antidepressant and antipsychotic, asked about my delusions and my hallucinations.
I'm scared, it means I'll have to learn new things about handling myself better, taking a more accurate care of me too, make my daily routine for that too. It changes everything and I'm extremely against that. It's scary to not be in control during that time.
Everything will be fine. I'm gonna be fine.
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m150a · 3 years
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Really fuckin hope i get my period soon so that I can shift the blame of these emotions to something other than my childhood neglect 😋👍
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wakitaa · 4 years
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Some time ago I made a post on Twitter, but I had forgotten to post it here and I think it is a very important topic that has not been touched enough and that generates conflicts between those who love the She-ra series and those who do not.
First of all, I must highlight the fact that many people talk about a toxic relationship in the series due to the repetitively toxic behavior of a very important character, I talk about the Catradora couple and the character of Catra respectively. And I know that many fans will immediately come to tell me that Catradora is far from being a toxic couple and that Catra at least had "reasons" to adopt such a manipulative, angry, vindictive and indolent personality. But, despite the fact that I am a fan of the series and of the couple, even though my favorite character in the series is by far Catra, I must agree with the people who accuse Catra of being an extremely toxic character during most of the seasons and that the Catradora couple is formed around that toxicity. It's true, and I can't deny the horrible actions and misbehavior of Catra's character in front of Adora and the other characters that accompanied her (Entrapta and Scorpia).
In this post I am not going to excuse Catra at all. However, there is a very important point of the character that I have seen that almost nobody has touched and that for me made the difference between hating Catra and making her my favorite character far from any other in another animated series that I have seen. And that point is that Catra has BPD.
What is BPD? Well, BPD stands for borderline personality disorder, and I quote, which is a disease characterized by difficulty in regulating emotions. This causes marked changes in mood, impulsivity and instability, self-image problems, and unstable interpersonal relationships. There may be frantic attempts to avoid situations of real or imagined abandonment. The combined result of living with borderline disorder can manifest itself in destructive behavior, such as self-harm or suicide attempts.
Sounds familiar doesn't it?
Unfortunately, I do not have a degree in psychology, but I have a firm reason to believe that Catra suffers from borderline, and that is that I have borderline.
Yes, and it has been a constant daily fight against a dangerous enemy, who is capable of harming those I love the most and breaking my strongest relationships, myself. Catra became a very powerful character for me, because she not only traced how terrible it can be for a person to have zero control over their emotions and the tremendous damage it can cause to those closest to them, but also the importance of redemption. and self forgiveness. I have not been the best girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend, because for years I had zero control over my unregulated emotions, which often led me to commit cruel, deprorable (almost unforgivable) acts towards others and my mental and physical integrity. I became what many would accuse as "toxic", and it was years of group and individual therapy to take control again and forgive myself for the things I did. To this day I seek to make amends for my mistakes and not destructively punish myself for what I did. Well, if there is something that the BDP does not do, it is to make you unaware of your actions. You know when you are hurting, you know when you are doing something that you are going to regret enormously, but the emotion is so uncontrolled that it only remains to see how you destroy everything you love. I will never excuse what I did under the argument of suffering BPD, I was and will always be the culprit of the things I did, but the important thing is not only to accept the blame, but to understand that after all, you can forgive yourself and do things well from now on, especially with the people you hurt the most.
And Catra went through the same thing, obviously summarized in a short period of time because, after all, it is an animated series and there is not much time to be able to work on all the details of a disorder and its rehabilitation, but she went through the same thing that I had. The triggering of the disorder, the constant emotional decline, the breakdown of relationships, toxic and destructive behavior, wrong decisions, self-sabotage, rage and uncontrollable anger, personal acceptance of the problem, the decline, the long process of improvement and finally, redemption .
Catra (for me) has BPD, I have BPD, and we will have it forever. And I understand that those who do not know this possible theory continue to believe that Catra is an extremely toxic and harmful character for Adora and her friends. But once you understand why Catra might be behaving like this, you can capture the essence of the character and begin to forgive her.
Personally, it seems to me that the character lacked more acts of redemption (and that is also why I am looking forward to another season or movie of She-ra, so that I can see her developing more with the other characters and talking about such serious issues, such as the Angella's death), but I could still appreciate Catra's effort to mend the damage she did to Adora and the princesses during their long period of anger and toxicity. And for me that is enough and I hope it continues like this.
I also leave the discussion open, and I understand that it might not be enough to convince everyone, but I wanted to say it because the character of Catra, like the Catradora couple, is something very important and related in my life, because it made me understand that there are times when one can become the villain in the lives of others, but one can change and start doing things right (obviously with psychological help).
And finally, loving the series, its characters and Catradora is not supporting or promoting toxicity (quite the contrary).
Thanks for reading <3 Love u all.
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randomvarious · 4 years
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Freddie Fresh feat. Fatboy Slim - “Badder Badder Schwing” Big Beat Song released in 1998. Compilation released in 1999. Big Beat / Breaks
Let's start this post off with a graf from the preamble of a 2018 Freddy Fresh interview, conducted by Matt Lush in Decoded Magazine:
Freddy Fresh is a name that shouldn't require an introduction. From the vast output of his multiple genre-spanning labels; Analog USA, Electric Music Foundation and Howlin' Records, to winning the ARSC Journalism Award for cataloguing every hip-hop release ever made in a single book, crafting timeless acid and electro under over 15 aliases with the likes of Thomas Heckmann, Woody McBride, Tim Taylor and Paul Birkin, and the rest, big beat with Fat Boy Slim, his soundtrack work...it goes on... yet ironically, in my experience anyway, Freddy Fresh seems to be so often underrated, unconsciously ignored, or even completely unknown in the modern electronic world.
Over the course of his career, Freddy Fresh has had his fingers lodged in many different pies. In fact, those pies are sometimes stacked on top of each other so a single finger can penetrate multiple pies at once. Fresh is a DJ's DJ who can patch together eclectic mixes of house, techno, funk, disco, breaks, hip hop, electro, and more; he's produced music across a panoply of dance genres; he's founded a bunch of different record labels; he's opened for blink-182 on tour; his music has appeared in multiple films, TV shows, and commercials; he's authored indispensable books that document hip hop's early history; he's taught DJing at a local college; and he also sells rare records. Put simply, if you're not familiar with Freddy Fresh, you should be.
Freddy Fresh first found his initial passion for music in hip hop culture, entirely thanks to a 1984 trip from his hometown of St. Paul to the Bronx. From then, he would try to ingratiate himself into the Big Apple's hip hop scene, returning once every year with hopes of impressing the right people. He wasn't all that successful, but he did land a track on a 1988 Boogie Down Productions remix album, which honored the memory of BDP's recently slain co-founder, DJ Scott La Rock. Another fun fact that links Freddy to BDP is that if you look at the cover of BDP's landmark debut album, 1987's Criminal Minded, you'll see a plaque towards the bottom lefthand corner. Know who furnished that plaque for them? Freddy Fresh. His dad owned a trophy shop and Freddy gave them the plaque during one of his yearly New York pilgrimages.
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But Freddy would soon find himself gravitating towards other genres, too, like house and techno. From that Decoded interview:
I sent demos to Strictly Rhythm [top tier New York-based house label] and various labels and was always rejected. It was years later that labels like Adrenalin and Experimental stood up and took me under their wings. My first techno 12 inch was on Experimental, under my Modulator name. Maximum Pulse / Timmy's Trance in 1992, that got me into the techno scene and also got me my first international DJ gig in Paris 1993 where I played with Jeff Mills, Joey Beltram and Damon Wild... Damon Wild was the man mainly responsible for my early techno career, God Bless Him.
Freddy Fresh then became a big German techno guy. He played sets at Tresor in Berlin (the techno club of techno clubs) and released records on the legendary Frankfurt-based label, Harthouse.
However, a new current started to emerge in the UK in the mid-90s called big beat, which appeared to match with Freddy Fresh's own hip hop sensibilities. It was a strain of dance music that fused together sampled soul, funk, jazz, and rock breaks, which, along with disco, is what hip hop producers largely used to make their own beats. And when those breaks were properly combined with contemporary electronic sounds, like, for example, Roland TB-303 acid squelches, it yielded a newfangled and fun brand of BIG and brash dance tunes. Norman Cook, better known as Fatboy Slim, would emerge as the genre's rightful king, with his uniquely liberal use of bouncy and surf-twangy 50s and 60s guitar samples. And although Freddy Fresh was still an absurdly prolific techno producer in 1996, his Harthouse album, Accidentally Classic, along with a couple Harthouse 12-inches that were licensed from his own Butterbeat label, saw him trying his hand at the big beat sound, which would eventually lead to him teaming up with Norman Cook in 1998.
A March 2020 profile in Mixmag has more:
While he may have been known in France for techno releases on his Analog label, it was Freddy Fresh's releases on Butterbeat that caught the ears of Norman Cook in Brighton. He was an avid supporter of Fresh's perky updates on the hip hop sound, and that's what brought him over to the British seaside. "I got invited to play the Big Beat Boutique. That's when I first met [Cook] and then he ends up sampling my voice [for 'Fucking in Heaven'], then we worked on 'Badder Badder Schwing' together. I loved Norman because he was authentic. He did everything himself. I was like, 'this fucking guy's just like me!'. He collects breakbeats, he's an amazing DJ, he knows how to put shit together and he knows how to run 303s - and Roland 303s are really hard to program.
That co-production with Cook, "Badder Badder Schwing," would originally appear on Freddy Fresh's album, The Last True Family Man, before being released as a single the following year. The single would then turn into an unexpected British hit, earning the mostly techno producer some well-deserved commercial appeal by reaching #34 in the UK charts. "Badder Badder Schwing" can also be heard in 2002's Austin Powers in Goldmember, although it didn't end up being included on the commercially released official soundtrack.
Dipping into that Decoded interview once again for a tad more backstory to "Badder Badder Schwing":
I did have 90% of that track finished when Norman joined in and took it from a 7 to a 10 with his sheer genius.
By sampling a bunch of 60s songs, including horns and drums from Helen Reddy's "One Way Ticket," vocals and hand claps from The Routers' "Let's Go (Pony)," and more drums from Tommy Roe's "Sweet Pea," Freddy Fresh and Norman Cook were able to cobble together a fantastic piece of late 90s, dancefloor-igniting big beat. However, it would be interesting to know which 90% of the track Freddy Fresh had finished before passing it off to Cook, because the whole thing really sounds like a Fatboy Slim track from start to finish. And that's not to discredit Freddy in any way, because despite what dance music's detractors might think, it's not an easy task to make a good dance tune. But the entirety of "Badder Badder Schwing" appears to have Cook's fingerprints all over it, from his glitching, jammed-up, calling card stutters, to the way the combined horn and drum sampling sounds, to the brief, guitar-sampled detour, to the eerie and overdriven background yowling. The song's main riff is when those Helen Reddy horns play, and you'd have to assume that was part of Freddy's contribution, since according to him, the song was virtually done before he let Cook put on the finishing touches. But still, that part sounds like something Fatboy Slim would make, doesn't it? 🤷‍♂️ 🧐🤔
Then again, Freddy Fresh did say about Cook in that recent Mixmag profile, "the fucking guy's just like me!" so maybe they were on the same exact letter within the same exact word on the same exact page in 1998. In the end, it doesn't really matter all that much. Big beat's passed us by, but throw this on at a party (when we're allowed to party again, of course) and it's guaranteed to still go.
Check out the music video, too, which features a kid magician doing a series of tricks:
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The University of Rijeka did a really, really interesting study on assortative mating and it's relationship to narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. The results were fascinating. It basically showed that people with those traits do in fact find one another and tend to stay even if they don't trust each other. Actually, Machiavellian is something I'd use to describe Meghan. 1/2
And in that study, the more Machiavellian the woman was, the more antisocial the partner was. Although I don't see Harry as being particularly antisocial although he may have some of those traits. So Narcissists can definitely and do definitely form long term relationships. I think H&M are somewhat unique though. They're on a bigger stage than most of those people would be. 2/2
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Oh, wow. That sounds really interesting. I’m going to have to check it out. I feel that Meghan is easier to read than Harry, mainly because, as that other anon said, Harry has been so tightly scripted all his life. But there’s definitely something in there. Maybe BDP? 
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allarrows · 5 years
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I think a while ago you said you had a nationalistic upbringing, but then you educated yourself; how did you go about doing that? Like was it the internet, and did the area you lived in influence your self-education?
i guess nationalistic has different connotations or rather, different incarnations when it comes to turkish politics. and when it comes to my parents, they were staunch CHP supporters, which is in some ways as disturbingly nationalistic as MHP (the classic, right wing, homoerotic brand of nationalism); denies the armenian genocide, denies kurdish people basic rights, denies the fact that this country treats ethnic/religious minorities like shit, etc. etc. even though, it’s positioned itself as a social democrat party, for these reasons i and a lot of sane people consider it v nationalistic.
before going into this, i should say that i’m lucky in that my family and i sort of had a falling out at a young age so there wasn’t any active resistance to my changing beliefs. 
the upbringing that i rebelled against was, in CHP’s case: 
1. hating the headscarf and treating covered women as second class citizens, never sat well with me. even as a child, i liked the covered women i met so i didn’t see or understand what the problem was suppose to be. when i got older, i was able to see very clearly that nobody, even AKP, that rose to power, in part, over the headscarf ban in universities, cares about these women. they may be one of the most visible public symbol of right-wing politics (and this is already enough violence to go through - being stripped of your personhood and being treated as this big no-no political symbol -) but they’re not to blame. and in fact, it speaks to our deeply patriarchal culture that we don’t put the social blame on the men, but on these women. this, i managed to see on my own after i’ve had my teenage feminist awakening lol. and i was reassured in this discovery when i met covered women, my age, in university. 
2. another thing was the armenian genocide, and this was something i was ignorant about for a long time. the fictive history lesson is taught even on university level classes so it’s kind of hard to break through. in this case internet helped, and it’s hard to delusionally argue against ~official documents and personal accounts of what actually happened. and reading people like halide edip also helped. also, having armenian friends.
3. and the kurds. i think my awakening, like a lot of people, happened around gezi and talking with a lot of kurdish anarchists who happened to be there and who were like the most prepared mfs. feeling that combraderie was enough for me. and then i read, read, read. read some öcalan, read some about rojava. and then bdp became hdp (and stopped courting AKP for the fake peace process) and i started voting for them. the end. 
4. the last and i think the most defining thing that runs through all these realizations is recognizing my privilege ?
right now ? not all my friends think like this, so there’s still some arguing back and forth but the important thing is not pleasing everybody, it’s to have an ethical position that’ll sustain you for the rest of your life.
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fierceawakening · 5 years
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I think the main reason you're getting pushback is you're equating diagnoses = symptoms. BDP can be kept under control with diagnoses and help and treatment and still have symptoms that arnt harmful to others which is why you'd disclose. It doesn't mean you're saying "hey I'm gonna be abusive"
You’re absolutely correct.
What I’m trying to get people to acknowledge is that... unfortunately, in my experience, when people have said things like “I don’t split, or if I do it won’t hurt you” or “I’m not manipulative and I won’t try to make you stay,” or etc.
They’ve, well, either been lying or, more likely, been overestimating how well they have things under control.
That’s what I was trying to bring up and talk about, and it seems like every time I do the response is still “BUT SOMEONE!!! MIGHT!!! NEVER EVER DO THAT!! AROUND YOU!!”
and I’m just going “hypothetically, sure. absolutely. but my close relationships aren’t hypothetical. and at a certain point it feels entirely foolish and risky to go ‘but this person! might never ever split! near me! so i can only leave once they’ve done it!’”
And the reply to that is I’m a bigot, and I don’t fucking get it.
Because. like, I have PTSD. My symptoms are thankfully mild compared to a lot of people’s, but... what might you assume from me disclosing that?
Here’s some things I might be telling you. Some or all of the following:
I am sometimes hypervigilant and concerned about unlikely dangers.
I have flashbacks.
I have triggers.
Sometimes I dissociate, and seem like I’m “not here.”
I avoid things that remind me of experiences that traumatized me.
My mood sometimes shifts in unpredictable ways.
I struggle with feelings of worthlessness or alienation.
I self-harm.
Some of these are true of me. Some aren’t. But if I tell you this, and you think “ooh, shit, self-harm is common there, and I can’t handle another bestie who does that,” that should be okay. That’s what I’m saying.
Even if someone asks me, “do you self-harm? I can’t handle it if you do” and I go “I used to but I have not in many years”... it may suck for me if your response is “yeah I’m not sure if I can do this,” but it’s not bigotry. It doesn’t stigmatize me.
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allenhawks6838-blog · 5 years
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Konwertuj AIFF Na MP3 On-line Bez Instalacji
Methods to convert FLAC to AIFF online with FLAC to AIFF Converter? Do your eyes cross once you see all the audio format choices to choose from within the Bandcamp download menu? The good news is that you would be able to DJ with all of them, however every file type provides completely different audio resolution, file dimension, http://www.audio-transcoder.com/ and software compatibility. This is an easy breakdown of audio file varieties particularly for DJs, including how far more you may expect to pay if you want to step up from MP3s. Click on Convert button to begin to convert FLAC to AIFF or different audio format you desired. A conversion dialog will seem to point out the progress of flac to aiff conversion If you wish to cease the method, please click on Stop button. After the conversion, you possibly can click on the Output Folder button to get the converted information and switch to your iPod, iPad, iPhone, mp3 player or exhausting driver. This one's a bit of difficult: notice that flac is in encode mode by default (it's important to specify -d to decode) so this command really recompresses back to -force is required to be sure you really need to overwrite with a brand new version. Why would you want to do this? It allows you to recompress an present FLAC file with (normally) higher compression choices or a newer version of FLAC and protect all of the metadata like tags too.
First, don't feel bullied into buying quite a lot of kit since you think it's best to. Second, the place doable strive 'blind' exams, to test totally different headphones and audio system out on music you enjoy. You might find a £50 pair of headphones is ok and - to your ears - no worse than the £200 pair. Similarly, do some blind exams on file compression, as a result of there isn't any point in re-ripping your complete music assortment to Apple Lossless and desperately chopping down the albums you'll be able to retailer in your iPhone if it seems you may't inform the distinction between such files and the identical music encoded as 256 kbps AAC. The OPPO universal Blu-ray players are is designed with elements optimized for audio efficiency. The flagship BDP-105 features an all-new analog audio stage powered by two ESS Sabre32 Reference Digital-to-Analog Converters (DAC), balanced (XLR) & unbalanced (RCA) dedicated stereo outputs, a Toroidal linear energy provide, flac to aiff converter without losing quality and asynchronous USB DAC enter. These excessive-grade elements are housed in a rigidly constructed metallic chassis and work together to deliver exceptionally detailed and correct sound quality together with reference quality video. Apple losless is proprietory (however not restricted) to Apple, ALAC is restricted to sixteen bits @ 44.1 khz. If the sytem path you currently own will accept the iTunes app and that's all you plan to make use of it for, you might be good-to-go. I have been using it this way for many years, and I've been blissful, but new increased resolution formats (FLAC) are here and are much more widly accepted. So I'm maintaining an open mind for the long run. Audio information are available quite a lot of different codecs. Some are lossy, comparable to AAC and MP3; they save area compared to the original files, but some of the original data is misplaced throughout compression. Some formats are lossless, reminiscent of Apple Lossless, FLAC, and SHN; these information can be transformed again to their authentic form without the lack of a single bit. Lastly, some are uncompressed, reminiscent of WAV and AIFF; they characterize the exact information from a CD or a grasp. Agree and disagree. Technically it's true that converting FLAC files necessarily means you cannot play those recordsdata in iTunes. Nevertheless it's not true that the data is pointless, as the vast majority of folks wanting to play FLAC information on iTunes are looking for FLAC-quality music on iTunes, and do not care about the precise extension. Now that you understand the difference between every format, what must you use for ripping or downloading music? Generally, we advocate using MP3 or AAC. They're suitable with nearly each participant out there, and both are indistinguishable from the original supply if encoded at a excessive bitrate. Except you might have particular needs that suggest otherwise, MP3 and AAC are clear decisions. Another bonus feature is which you could download the HAP music switch app to your COMPUTER to sync and duplicate all your tracks onto the HAP-Z1ES over Wi-Fi. The next time you download a new track or album from Excessive-Resolution Music companies similar to HDtracks or Qobuz, it can mechanically be transferred. If you'd like to obtain high-decision music to your COMPUTER or Mac, you may need to discover apps like JRiver Media Middle, BitPerfect and Audirvana Plus. When you've got a large music library (both CDs and Excessive-Resolution Music files), the HAP Music Transfer app is straightforward to include into your current system.
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womanism · 5 years
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I've been wanting to recently, bc I'm really tired of how things have been and I know if I don't look for help soon I either will kill myself or keep feeling this way, do you know when you literally can't take it anymore? That's me right now. But yeah I have no clue how therapy works, do I get there and say "hey mate I have depression, anxiety and I think I might have bdp" or do I just talk to them and pretend not to know my symptoms? Do I wait for them to say something? +
so the best way to go about this is to just go in with an open mind. sometimes reading symptoms of things can placebo ourselves into having symptoms, and if you become too focused on what you think it could be you may cheat yourself out of a proper diagnosis. when you get a therapist, basically all you need to do, flat out, is tell them your symptoms. just genuinely tell them what you are feeling on a day to day, let them know if you went through any traumatic experiences, as you go they will ask you questions about your home life and school and your experience in relationships. after some visits, your therapist will have a clue of what they think you may have, and will start focusing in on a diagnosis. 
the best advice i can give, is to just be upfront and honest. dont tell them you think you have bpd, because it tells them that youve been looking it up and they will take placeboing into consideration with this information. just be 100% you.
some therapists wont tell you what your diagnosis is (and for reference, psychiatrists are who you want to see) and thats because some believe in a label theory and do not want it to hinder you, however you are always free to ask them what is put down for you. 
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irondadgroupie · 6 years
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Q&A about living with BPD
I hate doing personal posts but since nobody knows me here, I guess I am quite safe
Q: What is BDP?
Borderline Personality Disorder. The symptoms vary from person to person but to me they are such as separation anxiety, fixation on certain people, overly analyzing words and gestures, fear of abandonment etc etc. There are many more and it is characterized by what I like to call ‘freak-episodes’ where I lose control of myself and attack someone when I think they are a) abandoning me b) stealing my friend c) against me
Q: Is there a cure?
Nope, there is nothing. Medication and therapy may do something but otherwise, you are out of luck
Q: Isn’t what you are feeling normal?
Well, yes, PDs are about the lack of healthy control of your emotions and actions. Emotions are a spectrum and when they cause pain and difficulties, that is when they become a problem
Q: Aren’t you being an attention-whore, labeling yourself?
Maybe, maybe not, but before I got my diagnostic I had a hard time since even I could not understand my actions half the time, no one else acted the way I did and I could not get anyone to understand
Q: Are you dangerous? It is a PD after all.
Sometimes media portrays Personality Disorders in an ugly light. Nope, I do not go on killing sprees and torture puppies. BDP means I have trouble with interpersonal relationships, not with humankind in general
Q: Have you been hospitalized?
Nope. BDP is a spectrum and luckily, I am in the end where I am fully capable of functioning like anyone else, as I said, I have problems with relationships (and sometimes controlling my raging emotions). Medication helps me tremendously
Q: Have you self-harmed?
No, ideation has been there but never have I done it
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iamstillheres-blog · 2 years
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Introduction to me.
♡ Hello Tumblr ♡
After some thinking, I figured that I should probably introduce myself. I am new here, and I have yet to receive any following-nevertheless I will still write this- because can you truly have a blog without a introduction?
First and foremost, here i will be my true self. The self that I have hidden from the world. Hopefully I will be able learn who I am in return. possibly even, I could meet similar people.
《The basics》
My name is Hannah.
I am 22 years old.
I was born in Indiana.
I have 3 children.
Unemployed.
Engaged.
Basic enough right? So- Tell me yours. Let's get to know each other. I'm serious. Next subject:
♡Interests♡
Music
Books
Art
People.
Let me elaborate a tad..
•Music- Don't we all love music? I know I love listening to it. Especially live, in person. People who can sing/play instruments amaze me. If you, who are reading this happen to sing or play- just know you are awesome and don't ever stop. You are Gifted.
•Books- I love to read, or used to anyway. As a child I would read all the time. Now not so much, I think that possibly it is because I used books as my escape? Still, reading will always hold dear to me. To my authors here- Thank you.. to make art with words and help those escape is a real gift. I love you.
•Art- cliche huh? I love art in all forms. All of it. i love seeing what people can make and create. Eye candy as I call it... Well to be fair- Everyone on here is a artist am I right? Our mediums just different. Still we create and this is something we all have in common.
•People- Yes, people. I may complain about everyone at times; but still I love them. I love the complexity of how different-and same we all are as a whole. Its beautiful. I love you, you beautiful soul ❤
•Let's go Deeper•
Thats what he said ;) Haha, what i mean is i am going to tell you some more specific things about me, here. ofcourse- if you would like you can tell me yours. I may be a stranger on the internet, but I will listen. We all need someone to listen. Share your story with me 🥰
As a child, I never got to be one. I came from a broken home. My parents had me when they were teenagers. My mother lost custody of me when i was 5 then I lived my grandmother until 12. I was then in placements until I was 14 1/2- when ny mom regained custody. I met my father when I was 16- then moved in with him for a few months (until I ran away with my boyfriend) soon after I got pregnant- so I returned to my mother where I stayed until I turned 18. 18-now I have stayed in the same house with my current-fiance.
That there is a little background story i suppose you could say? As time goes on we can dig deeper into it. Its alot.
I have several mental illnesses. I have been diagnosed with Major depression disorder, Anxiety, and BDP.
Lets just say these have made my life rather exhausting and difficult. I am my own worst enemy.
-I have always wanted to wrote a book. Personally writting is the one thing that eases my mind. Most of the time I cannot make sense of the Neverending dialog of my thoughts. Only when I out them into words can I understand.
Is anyone else like that? A never ending confusing mind? If so my heart goes out to you- I understand and I feel your pain. Truly I do.
•Some more info-random•
More information that may help you understand me more as a person. (Or myself to understand me)
Colors~ I associate most people and things with colors. Currently my color feels like a deep forest green.
Songs~ As of now these are my favorites •Five Six-Pouya•Nutshell-Alice in chains•Sober-Tool•I'm done-$Bs
Aries 🌞 Capricorn 🌙 Libra 🌟
I love astrology.
I believe in the occult.
open minded.
I have intense vivid dreams. I think that we sometimes visit ourselves in other dimensions- I also think our dreams can be much more spiritual and magical then most think. Also- i think that we visit other people and our past life from time to time.
Sometimes I hate myself, other times I love myself.
I am a intense person-or so I have been told.
I make poor decisions.
Substance abuse.
Have done a few illegal activities.
Nic addict.
Gamer?
overthinker.
I can be delusional from time to time.
impulsiveness, self aggressive, chaotic.
Honestly there is so much more- id be here all day. But thats the basics as we go on we will leant more. I say we - because I too will be learning. Isn't that weird to have no concept about you as a person?
•Overall conclusion•
LET this also be known that my inbox is always open to those who need to talk. I am here for YOU. I truly mean that aswell. If you need someone to talk to, or vent to without feeling judged-I am here. You are not alone, no matter how much it feels as you are. If you need a friend, I am here. If you are angry and just need to curse and yell I am here. I LOVE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL SOUL.
I hope this helps you- the reader. Or me-In the future. Truly. I just want to be heard, even if that is by myself. I feel as if I have a story- possibly a interesting one. Maybe one day I will write a book, and I can use this as notes? hahaha maybe.
Until next time...
- yours truly, Hannah.
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onision-is-insane · 6 years
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Another problem with Onision’s “help”
Just like the title says above I forgot to mention a another reason why Onision’s “help” doesn’t really work with all people or his perception of people certain mental illness is very short sighted. For example how he was mocking Eugenia Cooney or people who suffer from a eating disorder in general. He thinks that having a eating disorder is someone who is afraid to get fat and it’s dumb to think that way. While it is true that some people who have a eating disorder may have it due to the societal pressure to look or stay thin, but it’s also can be a sign for something more troubling (mentally) that that person may be dealing with. Like in my case, it’s more of an OCD thing with me. Yeah I’ve started to developed an eating disorder basing on wanting to fit society standard of beauty, but it turned into a ritualistic behavior and the one thing that people who suffer OCD have is the insight to know what they are doing is wrong and irrational. So if Onision used his “treatment” on me it wouldn’t work because I already know what I’m doing is wrong, but I struggle stopping it. It’s more reason why people have an eating disorder sometimes I even hear that people with BDP can have it as well.
The point I’m trying to convey is that mental illness is very complex depending on the individual, and they are not “weak” because some people with a eating disorder can have a core issue going on for them and it’s not right to shame and criticize people who not stopping it asap. This also applies to people who suffer from a eating disorder in general, but it irks me how he wants to portray people who suffer mental issues into “wimps that needs to toughen up”. He doesn't know a damn thing how that person minds operates, nor does he care to inform himself these issues.
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jalanjauh · 3 years
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kesan pesan buat yang hari ini nikah
simply, dear nika.
early note: ini ngerandom parah karena aku nggak bisa dateng kesana :( which is I hope I could! really. jadi maap kalo kesan pesannya kek ‘apaan sie’ but i do write this with all my heart while thinking all memories we had. so here it is :)
ingatan pertama yang membekas soal kamu itu pas kamu halangan terus aku nebengin kamu balik kosan. pas itu kosanmu masih daerah yang belakangnya gor uny itu namanya apa? wkwkwk. ya itu lah ya, pokoknya aku inget kenalan pertama tuh ya itu terus aku tahu nih kamu shawol but i didnt have courage to tell you this. i dont know why, bet i was too shy back then. terus selanjutnya, ingatan tuh buanyaaaakkkk karena eventually we’re befriend wkwk. oh aku juga inget kamu yang ngenalin aku ke pentatonix even i still listening to them. tapi ya nik, daripada kejadian atau moment-nya, aku lebih mengingat kepribadian kamu. orang yang determinative wkwk.
kamu itu orangnya atos, wkwk but in good way tho soalnya kalo diantara ‘geng’ kita nggak ada yang atos pasti nggak akan jalan. contoh pas ada pkm nggak ada yang ngoprak-oprak ngajak kelompokan. terus kamu juga orangnya semangat, kalo ada oprek apalah, asisten, kepanitian, kamu yang selalu nginfoin dan ngajakin. pokok hidupmu itu nggak cuma kayak aku sama reni seng wifi-an dan bts-an tok lol. kamu juga seng kayak encourage aku buat lebih pede, berani, berbaur sama anak bdp (soal e aku bergaul e sama kalian terus kan which is thp). dari situ nik, aku tahu, kamu tuh tipe orang yang mau bergerak. desire kamu untuk berkembang itu gede but heck, life is suck ya nik :( keinginan kita nggak semulus itu didapat walau keinginannya itu baik. you’re struggle enough.
ngomongin struggle, boleh ya aku mengenang pas kita penelitian because that’s the true struggle yang pernah kita lewati bareng haha. aku bahkan inget kamu nangis (nangis nggak sih? apa rosa seng nangis?) karena datanya apa sih, anomali? aku juga inget kamu seng ngelab e sampai malam terus sampai sahur di lab nggak sih? kamu sama hera? pokoknya banyak wes, tapi seng paling tak saluti itu kamu nggak nyerah walaupun waktu itu hera lulus duluan. i mean, kamu ditinggal partner tapi kamu nggak nyerah (kalo aku boleh sebut merk, nggak sampai ilang kayak fira). kamu, kalo tak pikir-pikir, ngelewatin semuanya hampir selalu sendirian. bahkan ketika kamu keterima di ugm pun, kamu kayak ke jogja sendirian. beda sama aku yang ada keluarga. terus yang berantem sama reni (wth, aku juga pernah wkwk) kamu juga kayak jadi sendirian but it already passed, old but gold :) 
aku juga inget pas magang dan nginep di rumahmu, aku jadi sedikit banyak tahu kondisi rumahmu dan itu bikin aku tambah salut. may i say nik, kamu broken home tapi kamu tetep tumbuh jadi anak baik. mungkin aku nggak begitu ngerti tapi aku pikir hubungan kamu sama ibumu itu complicated. kayak love-hate relationship. sometimes kamu marah sama beliau tapi tetep manage untuk angkat telfonnya. kamu juga nggak malu (maaf) mengakui kalo ibuku di luar tuh kerja loh, kamu nggak berusaha pretend anything. dari situ aja bisa dilihat kalau kamu sukses tumbuh jadi orang jujur dan baik. kamu tahu value kamu dan kamu mengedapankan itu. ya emang kamu rodok atos sih wkwk but it’s okay. itu good point karena hidup keras, kalo kita nggak atos, ya nggak bisa survive.
then today, setelah perjalanan panjang yang kamu tempuh ‘sendirian’ itu, akhirnya hari ini bakal ada yang nemenin kamu. oiya aku inget kamu pernah operasi juga. itu kamu juga sendirian kan? dianter ai dan nanggung bingung e sendirian kan? sekarang InsyaAllah udah nggak. ada mas-nya yang bakal dampingin :)
honestly aku nggak ngerti bakal kayak gimana kehidupan berumah tangga karena aku belum pernah wkwk jadi aku nggak bisa dan nggak mau banyak omong masalah ini. kamu yang paling ngerti. you marry him, you choose him, you do believe him. aku cuma bisa berharap semoga orang itu benar-benar bisa membimbing kamu ke apa itu yang kamu.  
nik, walaupun udah nikah, kamu harus tetep jadi nika yang berdeterminasi tinggi itu ya. lanjutin mimpi-mimpi yang masih bisa kamu lanjutin, pokoknya jangan berhenti (kalo kamu mau sekolah lagi, ya sekolah. kalo kamu mau kerja, ya kerja. kalo kamu buka usaha, ya usaha. kalo kamu mau kursus, ya kursus. kalo kamu punya rencana lain, ya lakuin) karena sejatinya kita diciptakan untuk terus belajar kan? pernikahan kamu ini semoga jadi pembuka pintu kesempatan-kesempatan yang awalnya sempit karena sekarang rejekinya nggak cuma satu, tapi dua. semoga lebih lebar :) 
last nik, ini ada satu quote yang aku pikir suitable bange buat kamu: wherever God plants you, blooms gracefully. 
kamu udah selalu bisa blooming gracefully until now, semoga selanjutnya juga bisa tetep kayak gitu ya. be happy, Allah bless you and your husband or simply, your little family :) 
sincerely,
puput. 
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