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#i then spent basically a whole session talking to my therapist about it
sweetbabyrayray · 2 years
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GUESS WHO HAS CONFIRMED ADHD LMAOOO!!!
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hi!! i understand if you don’t feel comfortable writing this but could you maybe do a lil thing where someone from the gang realizes reader tried to like. die. and the gang kinda comforts them? again u don’t need to lol
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Mental health with the boys
A/N: i’ve got these two asks that are kinda similar so i’m gonna write a bit of a combination of the two. i’ll also say i’m not very yk- all knowing when it comes to this stuff so i’m only taking from my own experiences.
Tags: angsty fluff maybe?
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if you told him you were struggling with your mental health Darry would most likely be the most sensible of the boys in the sense that he’d help you find a therapist over just helping you deal with stuff himself. he’d always be there for you when you needed him and he’d help you come up with coping mechanisms. if it was an ED he might make a meal plan with you and you could come over to the curtis’ every evening for dinner if that helped you to eat. he wouldn’t put pressure to eat though of course.
Soda would be like darry in some ways but also he wouldn’t be in other ways. If he found out you were struggling he would be the most caring and supportive person ever in your healing journey. i honestly doubt that a therapist would be his first thought process but it might come a little later. i think he’d try to keep things lighthearted for the most part to try and help you maybe to forget your problems for a little while when you’re together.
Ponyboy, oh poor pony. he really wouldn’t know what to do, especially since he’s so young. he’d try to comfort you hand help as much as he can but he would most likely go to darry for advice on what to do. the one thing i think he’d do well is noticing when you’re getting anxious or something. maybe you tap your foot or bounce your knee, maybe you fiddle with your pen or switchblade or something. whatever it is he’d notice and when he does notice these things, he probably won’t say anything but he’d put his hand on your arm and then if he knew that you didn’t mind hugs when you were anxious he’d hug you.
Dally..as much as i wanna say “he’d be so supportive and always there for you blah blah blah” he wouldn’t really. i mean he’d try to understand but since he’s spent his whole life burying his emotions and ignoring his problems that he wouldn’t know where to begin when trying to help someone else. because of that he’d go to darry for help, so then like i said in darry’s section he’d help you find a councillor or a therapist or something. one thing that i like to think is that when you come home from your therapy sessions that you talk about stuff like coping mechanisms that you can use and then dal would start trying to use them. in some way, you’d be learning how to heal together.
Two-Bit ml, he’d be very different than you might think he would. i mean in the film specifically (in my opinion) he’s presented as always joking and quite frankly- dumb. in the book he is presented similarly but he has a few moments where he can get very philosophical even (dk if that’s the right word or not) when he talks about what life is like for the greasers. given these i think that Two would be very helpful, i honestly think that he secretly has his own stuff going on so he might be able to relate to how you feel and he would 100% help as much as possible. same as pony he’d notice what you do when you get anxious so he’d be first to help you when you do.
I love Steve but if you started crying in front of him he’d be so awkward. he doesn’t really- get sad. he gets angry instead. so he has no clue what to do when someone cries in front of him. he’d go to soda for help on what to do. then soda would go to darry and basically what he does it what darry would do. just like dally over time he’d start to adopt the coping mechanisms you learned and he’d start dealing with his own things too. he’d start journaling. don’t ask why, he just would.
Johnny…well as always with johnny im kinda stumped so ignore how bad this is ok? johnnys sweet, but he’s dealing with so much he just finds it hard to help you yk? you two would lay in the lot and vent to each other but i don’t know if either of you would help each other too much? i say maybe you would convince each other to get professional help n stuff though. in school you two would sneak off together if one of you needed to get away from everything for a bit. again like some of the others, you’d learn to heal together, only this time you’re both aware of it. unlike dal and steve who would try to hide it.
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I... I went through a LOT in therapy today.
Basically, a month before this session, my father sent a cease and desist letter to my therapist via lawyer, and harassed her and her assistant for information he legally could not obtain because I never put him on my release forms, knowing well that he would go to extreme lengths for information I was not comfortable giving him. And he REFUSED to stop until he got that information, even though he literally could not get it in any way, shape, or form. And I didn't want him to have it.
Well. After that month, I went and met with my therapist today finally for a much needed session. And my therapist said exactly this: "I believed you before [about your father], but I think this situation is worse than you've been describing it." She told me, "You hear about patients' lives, but you rarely get to experience them. And I've gotten a glimpse into yours. Your life is hard."
That really struck me. The fact that she confirmed my situation is horrible, and that I possibly am still not confronting the entire situation but rather holding back some because it really is *that bad*... Gods. That was... a huge relief.
In short, she and I concluded my father struggles to keep meaningful relationships. People don't actually like him all that much, if at all, they instead, are held on by a string of fear that he controls, and are constantly walking on eggshells with him, wondering what will set him off next. Nothing will ever satisfy my father. Nothing. At all. Last time I confronted my father, I said exactly, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you." I never said that to my therapist, and she used the exact phrase, as though she knew.
My therapist straight up told me as well, "If you wanted to put [your father] on the release forms, we'd be having a serious discussion. I don't think that's good for you."
Before I even realized I was being controlled by my father's fear, I subconsciously knew I had to take control over myself and my life by excluding him from private matters like therapy.
And as an adult, I am making decisions for myself. To satisfy myself. To keep my well-being in check rather than satisfying my father. I am not giving him any information about my private talks in therapy, and I am going to save up to move away from him and live on my own. I am focusing on what will make me happy, not my father. I've spent my whole life trying to make happy a man who's never once been happy.
But me? It's real easy to make me happy. Give me stuff to create, write, print, whatever. Take me to a concert. A LARPing event. Play a game with me. Give me a small gift. Show me an animal of any kind. Share a snack or drink with me. Be kind to me in the smallest way. Literally anything, big or small, means the world to me and makes me smile to the moon and back. I've been happy so many times, despite the anxiety my father causes me. I've known true happiness in a way he will never know, and has never known. And that's sad. I wish he will find happiness someday. But clearly, I'm not responsible to help him find it. I'm responsible for my own happiness, and that's just about it. I matter. My well-being matters. I don't have to spend a lifetime trying to satisfy someone who is impossible to satisfy. But I can spend a lifetime satisfying myself.
And I will. By moving out someday soon.
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honeysuckle-venom · 7 months
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I've had a lot going on lately, psychologically, and I haven't been posting about 90% of it. I haven't been able to, I haven't had the words most of the time. I still don't. The last four days or so have been spent in a psychotic episode of astonishing intensity, one that feels more like our first break when we were 15 than almost anything since then. The whole summer has been very difficult, lots of trauma stuff and system stuff and psychosis stuff I thought I had put to rest coming up but coming up...differently, like the first time all over again instead of echoes? Idk how to explain it, my therapist had all sorts of good words for it in our session today but I was so psychotic I was only processing like 60% of what she was saying and I remember even less. I do know she said encouraging things about how every schizophrenic patient she's worked with has gone through this same process of temporarily getting much much better and tasting health for the first time and then having a significant recurrence of symptoms, and something about how the experience often mimics the first break/is like having the first break again for reasons I was too out of it to understand today but that are part of the healing process. So that was very comforting to hear, because my symptoms this weekend were honestly sort of terrifying.
But anyway. None of that was meant to be the original point of this post. I wanted to talk about how spiritually unprepared I feel for The High Holy Days. I mean, I always feel unprepared, I think everyone does, you're basically supposed to. If I'm remembering right that's even one of the phrases you say. But this year I have done less prep than any time in the last 5+ years. I just haven't been able to. I did manage to set aside one therapy session a few weeks ago to discuss my New Year's resolutions from last year and to what extent I've managed to stick to them, and to decide what ones I'm making this year, which is something really important that I do every year. I take my Rosh Hashanah resolutions very seriously and it's generally a real turning point in the year for me, they aren't the kind of casual resolutions a lot of people make in January like "I'm going to exercise," they tend to be significant decisions about how to live my life and treat myself and those around me. But besides that one therapy session and a tiny bit of contemplation on my own I haven't even tried to do the kind of spiritual inventory or teshuvah that I usually shoot for. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I spent this whole summer really struggling and the last few days psychotic and catatonic; I think Hashem understands that my priority has been to stay alive and that's pretty much all I've had the ability to do. But I'm still pretty much in survival mode and it sucks to be there just a few days before Rosh Hashanah. It's my favorite holiday and I haven't been able to think about it pretty much at all. I have plans to celebrate with friends both Friday and Sunday and intend to go to services Friday and Saturday, but I'm nervous that I won't be well enough for some or all of that. We'll see when we get there, I suppose. It's just a really bad feeling to know my favorite holiday is coming and normally I do a lot of internal and external work to prepare for it and I've done basically none of it and don't even feel that special "Rosh Hashanah is coming" feeling because I'm too busy being crazy. It just feels really sad and disappointing.
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i-am-baechu · 2 years
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Title: Heartbreak Anthem
Paring: Jung Hoseok x reader
Genre: Idol! Hoseok, supermarket worker! reader, established relationship! au, breakup! au, fluff, smut, comedy and angst
Summary: Three years of being with her idol boyfriend and Y/N thought she had it all. It wasn’t until Hoseok called her to break up with her while he was on tour that she started to rethink her life and her relationship with him. To get the last word, she tells him that she wishes him the best and she doesn’t hold any grudges from him and maybe this was what she needed but before he could say anything she hangs up. Feeling the weight lifted from her chest, the one thing she knows is that she’ll be okay.
Warnings: Alcohol, unrealistic standards from family, reader mentally is bad (needs a therapist lol), question of sexuality, slight homophobia, lying, angst, fluff, and sex scenes
Part of Little Mix's Mixtape series!
“Do you want to continue what we talked about from last week?”
Y/N took a sip of her water and nodded her head slowly at the doctor, “Is that okay?”
“Of course, these sessions are for you. We can talk about whatever you want.”
Y/N nodded her head and put the glass of water back on the table as she looked down at her knees with sad eyes. She looked back up and tilted her head to look outside the window as she started talking softly, “I hate being alone. All my life, I always craved for someone’s love and devotion. I always wanted a partner... My parents have been together for thirty-five years and they were each other's first loves. I always wanted to experience that with someone. My whole family is filled with first loves and basically having the perfect relationships. My cousin is married to her high school sweetheart and everyone else is the same, except for me. 
My first relationship in high school was a secret to everyone. They were just for fun. It was me rebelling in a way towards my parents because they always said to me, if marriage wasn’t on the table then the relationship is meaningless. It wasn’t until my older sister got married and my parents looked at me with pleading eyes. They wanted me to get married soon but I haven’t met anyone that made me feel that way. 
It was the day after the wedding and I was working at my supermarket job. I was already thinking about my future and how maybe I was destined to be alone in my parents eyes. It was at the moment I met eyes with him. I dropped the cans I was holding when I saw him because the only thing I saw was his heart-shaped smile. He ran to me and helped me pick up the cans but I couldn’t say anything to him. Did I even deserve to hear his name? The fact that I thought this man was worth more than me at the time is...sad but that's how you learn for the future, I guess. It makes me think, was I too in love with him or was I too busy trying to make everyone else happy so I resulted in being fake. I don’t even know...”  
“I think you do know why, Y/N.”
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September 3, 2021
Y/N stared at herself with a small smile, the light green silk showcased her body perfectly but it didn’t make her feel better. She spent two weeks looking for the perfect dress for her birthday but also her anniversary. All her friends used to tell her how cute it was that her anniversary with her boyfriend, Jung Hoseok, was on the same day. She thought so too but now she felt extra pressure on her chest. She had to dress sexy enough for their anniversary but covered enough for her family and friends. No one told her to do this but she wanted to show Hoseok that she could do both.
The day started off normal, Hoseok gave her kisses and got her breakfast in bed (something he always does for her on this day). The sweet moment quickly turned sour when she asked him about tour. She always wanted to go with him to explore the world but she was also scared to ask him. Today was the day she was going to ask because it was their third anniversary but also her best friend, Lee Luda, told her to ask. So, she did so and she regretted it. The fight made her confused because Hoseok told her that going on tour was his alone time and he needed his time away from her. Why would he need alone time away from her? 
She shook her head and grabbed her clutch, when a note fell out of it,
Spring has flowers, summer has lemonade, fall has pumpkins, and winter has cuddles. Every year it's the same thing but for the last three years, you have given me pure happiness and things I would never imagine. Thank you for always giving me that, I can’t wait to experience more years with you. 
I love you,
Y/N 
She smiled at her note and she wanted to give it to him but he was nowhere to be seen. She bought him a watch but that was at home and she only had the note with her to somewhat celebrate their anniversary. She felt an arm around her shoulders and she hoped it was Hoseok but she was met with disappointment when she saw it was Jungkook giving her a wide smile. She gave him a quick smile and let out a small laugh when he pulled her away from the mirror to be in the front with all her friends and family. She laughed when she saw Jin holding a cake with candles on them. She looked at each of the members and gave them a smile as she watched Yoongi lighting up the candles.
“Happy birthday to you!!! Happy birthday to Y/N! Happy birthday to youuu!!”
She smiled at everyone at the party and blew out the candles as Jimin wrapped his arm around her shoulders laughing loudly in her ear. She smiled at him and placed the cake on the table as all the members of Bts rushed to her hugging her tightly. All the members except for one. When they all released her, she stood there looking around desperately for him but nothing. She sighed and closed her eyes feeling defeated but then she felt arms around her waist and she looked up to see Hoseok smiling down at her. He leaned down, giving her a kiss on the cheek as she let out a small laugh, “Happy birthday, baby.”
“Thank you, Hobi. This party is everything.”
“I know you never had a birthday party before so I’m glad I can give you this.” 
She smiled at this and turned around, wrapping her arms around his waist as he kissed the top of her head. The members cooed at the sight and Jimin took pictures of them hugging. Just then Luda grabbed her hand pulling her away from him, “Hoseok, you always take her away from me. It’s not fair.”
Y/N laughed at her whining tone and looked at Hoseok with a smile, “It's okay Luda, I always come back to you but remember Hoseok always has my heart.” 
He smiled at her but scratched the back of his neck from her loving gaze. He kissed her forehead and waved goodbye to Luda as he walked away to go to the members. She watched him leave and her face turn slightly red as she looked back at Luda with a smile. Luda looked at her with a smile and kissed her cheek, “You seem so happy. That makes me happy. Is everything good with you and Hoseok now?” 
The two girls walked away to sit at a far away table as Luda glanced between Y/N and Hoseok. Y/N sat in the chair and gave her friend an uneasy look as she took a sip of her drink, “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m mad at him for yelling at me on my birthday and our anniversary...but I do love him..” 
Luda placed her hand on top of Y/N’s and gave her a sympathetic look, “You guys always fix things...do you want to vent about it again?” 
“Why would he want alone time away from me? I barely see him as is.”
“Don’t you text him everyday?”
“So, I text you everyday.”
“But I’m not dating you...” 
She frowned at this and glanced at him as Luda stared at her with a sad look, “He hasn’t said anything to me about the fight...” 
“Maybe give him some space.” 
Y/N turned back and Luda changed her face into a comforting face, “He leaves in a month.” 
“This is your time to give him some space.”
She nodded her head at this and took another sip of her drink, “But it's my birthday...”
“Fine, do it next week then. I’m sure you guys are going to be busy tonight.”
The two girls continued to talk to each other as Hoseok glanced at her with a frown. He looked back at Yoongi with an annoyed look. He picked up his glass and took a big sip of his whiskey, making Yoongi raise his eyebrow, “Hobi, is everything okay?”
“No.”
Yoongi watched him pour himself another glass as he took a sip of his own whiskey, “What's wrong?” 
“It’s Y/N.”
“What's wrong? You guys seemed to be fine yesterday.”
He sighed as he finished his second glass and he went to pour his third one, “She’s just been clingy.”
“You told us that she's always been affectionate and you like that. What's changed?” 
“She asked me to come on tour with us when we go to Japan. Tour is the only time I can have alone time.” 
Yoongi raised his eyebrow and sipped his whiskey, “You haven’t told her this?”
“I mean, I did.”
“How did you tell her?”
He sighed and poured his fourth glass as he rubbed his forehead, “I yelled at her.”
“It’s her birthday, you couldn’t wait till tomorrow?” 
“No, because she asked me this morning and then I yelled at her. I know I'm a horrible boyfriend.”
“Yeah you are.” 
Hoseok glared at him and shook his head, “I’ll make it up but what I said was true.” 
“It may be true but it's how you said it. Talk to her and don’t just fuck her to solve it.” 
He scoffed at this and rolled his eyes taking another sip of his whiskey, “If it works then it works.”
“Hoseok, that's not how you solve problems.” 
“I’ll think about it...”
The two continued to talk as Y/N and Luda stood up moving their way down to grab some cake. Y/N stared down at the piece of red velvet cake with a frown. She always showed Hoseok how much she loved him no matter what. She would bring him flowers after his music show performances, message him every morning, make him lunch whenever he had practice, and would call his sister or his mother. She thought she was being the perfect partner but clearly to him she wasn’t. Hoseok is her first love and she didn’t want to lose him. If she had to, then she would change for him. It could make her a better person and make their relationship better for the both of them. 
She felt an arm around her shoulders and she looked to see that Hoseok was giving her a drunk smile. She frowned at the fact he was drunk especially on her birthday and their anniversary. She gave him a fake smile and then she rolled her eyes at him, “Luda, can I stay at your place?”
She turned towards her friend with a frown and then she glanced at Hoseok with a glare, “Of course you can.” 
She walked away and before she could Hoseok grabbed her wrist and gave her a, somewhat smirk, “I thought we were going to have fun tonight? It’s our anniversary.”
“You're drunk and I don’t have time for that. I asked you not to get drunk tonight but obviously you did the opposite.” 
He rolled his eyes and let go of her wrist in annoyance, “Fine.”
He walked away and she watched with an annoyed face. She turned back to look at Luda who was shaking her head at the scene, “He didn’t even fight for me.”
Luda looked at Y/N with a raised eyebrow, “What the hell are you talking about?”
She walked up to her and crossed her arms over her chest, “He should’ve said I’m sorry Y/N, I love you and I will never do that again.”
“In what universe would that happen?”
“Ours. This one! We’re in love, we’re supposed to be romantic and show it. Even in fights. It's our damn anniversary.”
Luda let out a scoff and rolled her eyes, “Y/N, listen to me. That should’ve been strike one...Hey, why don’t you do that this month.” 
“Do what?”
“Keep a strike system with Hoseok. Listen, he's a great friend but I wouldn’t want him as a partner.” 
“Don’t say that about him!” 
“Y/N, he yelled at you on your birthday and then he got drunk when you specifically asked him not to. Two things a woman hates, being yelled at and not being listened to.” 
“A strike system…do you think we’re heading for…separation?” 
The two girls sat down at a random table as Luda handed her a beer, “You're not married and this isn’t the first time Hoseok has done something like this. Remember when you asked him to pick your cousin up from daycare because you had a meeting and he told you it was your problem.”
Y/N looked away from her as she took a sip of the beer, “He had dance practice…”
“Or that time when he lied about you guys being together to the waitress and he flirted with her.”
“We got free noodles out of it…”
“Or-”
Y/N slammed her beer on the table and gave her a frown, “I get it. I’ll do the strike system but I don’t think nothing is going to happen. He loves me and I love him, it’s as simple as that.”
“Tonight is strike one. Sometimes it works out but sometimes it doesn’t and that’s okay.”
“Shut up...strike one it is.”
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Y/N loves Hoseok. There wasn’t a moment that she ever doubted her love for him but there were moments where she doubted him. Again after being together for three years, she thought they would have a more stable life together. Her parents were only together for two years before they got married and she was now doubting her relationship, especially since what happened on her birthday and their anniversary. She spent the night at Luda’s and she didn’t even get a message from Hoseok and this annoyed her. Why wouldn’t he message her? She spent the night away from him, he should be worried about her. 
She even sent a message to him that she was heading to work but she got nothing. Which is why she was standing at the register with a frown. Today was slow, which didn’t help her as she continued to stare at her phone. Hoping it would light up or do something at this point. 
“The more you stare at it, the less brain cells you'll have.” 
Y/N jumped at the voice and turned to glare at her manager, Perrie, “Fucking hell...I’m not staring at it...”
“You’ve been staring at your phone for an hour now.” 
“I wasn’t staring.” 
Y/N rolled her eyes and glanced down at her phone and then back to her manager. Her manager raised her eyebrow at this and shook her head, “What happened with your rapper?”
“What makes you think something happened?”
“Just tell me what happened.” 
Y/N sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, “He got drunk last night on our birthday and anniversary...He also yelled at me.” 
“Why?” 
“I wanted to go with him on tour to see Japan but he said that it was his alone time. Why would he say that? I barely get to see him and when I do see him, he says that. My parents always spend time together and they’ve been together for thirty-five years.” 
Perrie raised her eyebrow at this and glanced at the door to see a customer walk in, “Y/N, you do realize that you're not your parents.”
“I-I know that but...I love him and he loves me, isn’t that enough?” 
“Clearly it's not, I have to check on some documents in my office. Listen, how about you take a thirty instead of a fifteen.”
“Okay...” 
She watched Perrie leave her sight and sigh looking down at her register with a frown. She packed her things up and grabbed her purse heading towards the cafe next door. She looked at the menu and smiled when she saw Hoseok’s favorite drink and decided to order it thinking it would make her feel better. The moment she tasted the familiar ingredients, the memories of the fight with Hoseok came to her mind. She was hurt that Hoseok was pushing away and even got drunk on their/her special day. She tried to disregard the fight because even though Hoseok wasn’t perfect, their relationship was close to being perfect (in her eyes). Hoseok was her first love and she wanted him to be her last. All she had to do was be the perfect girlfriend and hopefully, the perfect wife in the soon future. 
Deep down, she knew this wasn’t good for her. She knew that Hoseok wasn’t treating her the way she deserved but she loved him. None of her family members had a problem with finding a partner and even her older cousin was married to her first boyfriend. She didn't want to look like she couldn’t get someone to love her nor did she want her family to worry about her. Her parents always told her that love will conquer everything and that's all you needed for relationships. 
She finished her drink and she looked up shocked to see a frantic Hoseok looking around the cafe. She raised her eyebrow at this and then she locked eyes with him making a shiver go down her back. He walked up to her and sat at the table and she stared at the dark wood, waiting for him to say something first. 
“Y/N-ah...I’m sorry for last night.”
She looked up at him with a frown and started to play with the empty cup, “Why did you drink?” 
He scratched the back of his neck and gave her a nervous laugh, “I was mad about the fight and I wanted to forget it. Will you let me make it up tonight?”
Her face slowly formed a smile and looked at him with a quick nod, “What are you going to do?”
“Take you out to dinner and celebrate the right way, if you let me?” 
“Okay. I would love that, Hobi.”
He smiled at this and leaned forward giving her a kiss on the forehead, “I’ll see after your shift.”
“Okay.” 
She watched him leave and she started to giggle to herself. She felt the butterflies erupting in her stomach and she was excited for tonight. She grabbed her things and headed back with a little jump in her step. She knew Hoseok would always fix things with her and make her feel loved. Maybe she was overreacting with her feelings from the night before. All the things that Luda said to her became silent in her mind as the excitement for tonight replaced it. 
When her shift was over, she rushed to clock out and got in her car at record speed. She hasn’t had a date with Hoseok in two months because he was busy with dance practices and sound checks. She understood he was busy but she did get annoyed when Jungkook or Yoongi would text her that they were hanging out at a restaurant instead of working. Tonight was going to be everything she wanted and more, she knew that much. 
She got dressed in a floral halter silk dress and did her make up the way she wanted. She decided to wear her hair in a slicked back ponytail and she looked at herself in the mirror with a smile. She felt the opposite of how she felt yesterday and was excited for whatever was going to happen. She headed downstairs and sat on their couch as she stared at the blank television with a smile. That smile quickly turned into a frown. 
She was now laying on the couch when she saw that an hour had passed and she still hadn't heard anything from Hoseok. Maybe he was finishing things up and then he was coming. She got up and called Luda.
“Luda-ah...”
“Y/N, I thought you had that date with Hoseok?” 
“He’s running late.” 
“It's been an hour. What the hell is he doing?” 
She sighed at this and looked down at her painted toes with a frown as she walked back into their bedroom, “I think he's busy...”  
“Then why did he ask you on a date?” 
She laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling with annoyance, “Maybe something came up, you never know.” 
“Oh, I do know.”
“What?”
“He just walked in with the other members. He so stupid. Doesn’t he know I work at the bar on weekdays. Do you want me to yell at him?” 
“No...Don’t do anything. I’ll talk to you later, love you.”
“I love you too, Y/N-ah.” 
She tossed her phone onto the bed and took her hair out of the ponytail in a harsh manner. She glanced at the mirror against the wall and shook her head, strike two. She took her dress off and tossed it in the dirty clothes, too lazy to hang it up. She put on Hoseok’s shirt and jumped into the bed. She grabbed her phone from the other side and opened up her instagram to see that Jimin posted on his private instagram of everyone drinking. She liked the picture and put her phone on her nightstand with annoyance. 
An hour later, She felt the bed move and she opened her eyes but she didn’t turn around to see him. It wasn’t until the smell of flowers hit her nose that she got up and turned to look at him. There he was holding a bouquet of red roses and her favorite cake in the other hand. He gave her a sheepish look and put the cake on the floor and the flowers on the bed, “They took my phone away because they wanted to celebrate us finishing a track....I wanted to call you but no one would let me.”
“But...Jimin posted a picture.”
“That dick, he was the one that took our phones away.” 
Y/N let out a small laugh and took the flowers away from him and smiled at them, “Thank you...”
“I know how much you love red roses and red velvet cake. It's me saying sorry, again.” 
“You have to get me lunch tomorrow.” 
He gave a quick smile and leaned forward giving her a firm kiss on her lips. Her eyes widened at the sudden kiss but she quickly closed her eyes and returned the kiss with the same firmness. When he pulled away, he gave her a quick smirk and took a single rose from the bouquet and turned towards her. She raised her eyebrow at him but she continued to watch with curious eyes. He brought the flower up to her face and let the petals crease her face gently making her blush deepen. She gave him a shy smile as he brought the flower down to her neck sending shivers down her back. She brought the flower down to circle around her nipple and she closed her eyes looking away holding in a moan. He smirked at this and shook his head, “Don’t look away.”
She turned her head and stared at him as she nodded her head, “Sorry...”
“Always have your eyes on me, no matter what.” 
He took the bouquet out of her hand and tossed it next to the cake but he kept the rose in his hand. He glanced down at her shirt and she quickly nodded her head, knowing what he wanted her to do. She quickly took the shirt off as fast as she could because she knew how impatient he can get. He smirked down at her bare body and brought the flower down to her chin down to the middle of chest, making her shiver. He smirked at the reaction and went to her nipple again and circled it. She brought her hand up covering her small moan, he glanced at her with a glare and she brought her hand down to her side when she saw his eyes. 
They stared at each other for seconds but it felt hours to her. Just looking into his eyes made her feel like everything was going to be okay. All the worries that Luda brought up were put to rest when she saw his dark brown eyes looking into hers. It was everything she ever wanted. He tossed the rose to the side and stared down at her with his dark brown eyes that seemed to be darker because of the lust that was building up. He leaned in for another kiss but this time she tasted the alcohol on his tongue making her mentally scoffed. She wondered if he would remember this tomorrow morning and she gently pushed him away.
“You’ve been drinking, let's stop.” 
Hoseok leaned away with a confused look and shook his head, “I had two drinks, that's it, are you not in the mood?” 
“You only had two drinks?” 
“Yeah, one for the celebration and then one with Jimin. I made sure my drink had more juice in it. I’m not drunk, Y/N.”
She nodded her head and leaned forward giving him a kiss on the tip of his nose, “Okay...” 
Hoseok smiled at this and leaned forward giving her a quick kiss on the lips. His hands started roaming all over her body, groping her curves as he gently pushed her on the bed again. 
“You know you look so fucking good like this.” She looked away with a red face but Hoseok pinched her nipples hard, making her look at him with a loud moan, “What did I say about your eyes? 
“I’m sorry Ho-”
“That’s not my name.”
She swallowed her spit and nodded her head, “I’m sorry...sir.” 
He smirked at this and released her nipple as he got off the bed making her look at him with a confused look. He pulled her body to the edge of the bed as he dropped to his knees in front of her. Y/N gasped in pleasure as she felt his fingers pull her folds apart so he could admire her fully. 
“Please sir.” Y/N whined as she reached for Hoseok and her hand found his hair pulling it gently so they could make eye contact. 
“Please what, Y/N?” Hoseok smirked at her pleading voice as he rubbed her thighs up and down, making her shiver.
“Sir, please eat me out. Please-”
Y/N’s next words were cut off by a satisfied moan as Hoseok gave in quicker than usual. Hoseok let her pull his face between her legs and immediately began to lap at her swollen clit. His hands gripped onto her thighs to keep them apart as he sucked on the little bud. She whined and panted in pure bliss as she held Hoseok’s head firmly in place. She removed her hands away from him and one hand gripped on the sheet as the other hand groped herself. She started to play with her nipple to add more pleasure, indulging herself. 
“Sir, please!” Y/N whimpered as she felt another lick and she arched her back against the bed. 
“Don’t worry baby, think of this as one of many gifts for your birthday.” 
Hoseok mumbled against her pussy, making her moan at the sensation. Without another word, Hoseok dove back in. She almost started screaming as she felt the harsh suck on her clit as he pushed two fingers into her hole without warning. 
“Sir!” 
Y/N squealed in surprise as Hoseok pumped his fingers inside of her while abusing her clit with his tongue. His other hand kept her legs open, holding one down as she squirmed helplessly under his kiss. It was too much for her. Y/N fisted the sheets, trying to push herself away out of instinct as she felt Hoseok’s fingers curled to hit her deep. She closed her eyes as she started to orgasm and Hoseok continued to suck on her sensitive clit and pressed against her spot until she was pushing him away.  
Hoseok pulled away panting with his face glistening and looked down at her with a smile as he rubbed her thighs to comfort her, “Just wait until tomorrow for your other gifts.” 
The next morning, Hoseok kissed her forehead and headed out for practice. Y/N was giddy from last night and Luda clearly saw this when they went on their coffee date. Y/N gave her a smile as she took a sip of her coffee, “How was your night?”
“It was fine, did you like the red velvet cake?”
Y/N nodded her head but then she raised her eyebrow at her, “I didn’t tell you...”
“You didn’t have to, I was the one that bought the cake.”
Y/N’s smile dropped and looked at her with a frown as Luda was laughing to herself, “What do you mean, Luda?”
Luda stopped laughing and looked at her with a raised eyebrow, “I bought the cake and flowers for you.”
“Hoseok told me that he bought the cake and flowers...”
“He told you that? That motherfucker, I told him to tell you the truth. He saw me and started freaking out because one, he saw me and two, he saw that you liked Jimin’s picture. He ran up to me and asked me what he could do and I told him to get a cake and flowers. He said that's impossible because of the time and I knew you were upset. I told him I’ll give him the cake and flowers that I bought for you but he had to tell you the truth.”
She stared at her with wide eyes and nodded her head slowly at the news. She then looked at her with some blush appearing on her face, “You bought me all that? Why?”
“I hate seeing you sad. If I was in...If it was up to me, I would always make you happy, Y/N.” 
Y/N smiled to herself and looked down at the table with a shy gaze and she let out a small cough, “What do you think I should do?”
“Tell him that you know. Y/N, he lied to you.”
“He said he had more gifts for me today because of what happened...”
“Y/N, do you think he would do that?”
“You have no faith in him...”
Luda looked at her with an annoyed look and rolled  her eyes, “Of course I don’t have faith in him, he lies to you and treats you badly.” 
“He doesn’t always do that, nobody is perfect.” 
“You don’t have to be perfect to treat someone good.” 
Y/N opened her mouth to say something but she immediately closed it because she knew Luda was right. The rest of the breakfast went smoothly but Y/N kept thinking about Hoseok. Was she going to talk to him about it or should she wait until tomorrow to bring it up? She wanted at least one night where everything is good, not perfect but close enough. She waved goodbye to Luda and headed to her work with a frown. Why couldn’t she have one day that everything went perfect? 
She walked into the store when she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She took it out with a nonchalant attitude but it quickly turned into a frown. 
Can we do a raincheck? I’m sorry but I have to work on this dance with Jimin. 
 She stared at her phone with a frown and then she unlocked the phone. She clicked on Jimin’s contact and asked him, Are you busy tonight? 
No, tonight me and Taehyung are going to get this game. Why?
Oh no, I was just asking lol thanks
No problem
She put her phone back into her pocket and she walked into the office to check in for her day. She felt so stupid for thinking Hoseok would put her first or even try to fix things with her but at least he did something for her last night. She walked out of the room feeling her phone vibrating and she took out the screen of Hoseok sending her texts but this only caused her to shake her head. She shut off her phone and headed to the registrar, she won’t let him ruin today.  Strike two.
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It's been two weeks and nothing has changed for Y/N and Hoseok. He never made up for her birthday nor did he bring up the lies he told her. Y/N went back to the original plan and gave the distance that Hoseok wanted and honestly, she didn’t think he noticed it or cared. She's been taking more shifts and hanging out with Luda more and she realized something, the happiest she felt is when she was with Luda. Hoseok had a week left before going on tour and he told her that this week is going to be about them. She was excited but in the back of her mind, she had her doubts about him. 
She put on a light pink silk dress that had a floral and butterflies all over the dress with a slit that went up to her thigh. She was going to get tea with Luda this Monday morning and she was excited to see her. She put her hair up in a simple bun and plain hoop earrings, she felt really pretty today. She headed downstairs and her eyes widened when she saw Hoseok on the couch drinking his coffee. 
“Hoseok?”
He turned towards her and gave her a quick smile showing off his dimples, “I’ve been waiting for you, love.”
“For what?” 
He tilted his head in confusion and stood up from the couch, “I’m going to take you out for breakfast and spend the whole day with you. I told you this week is about us.” 
“Oh, you were being serious...”
“What was that?”
Y/N gave him a smile and shook her head, “Nothing but umm, I’m meeting Luda at this cafe...”
“Haven’t you been with her everyday these past two weeks?”
“Yeah, so? You're always with the boys.”  
“That’s fair but I thought we could spend this week together before I go away...”
She looked down at her feet as she scratched the back of her neck, not knowing what to do. If this was Y/N from two weeks ago then she would jump into his arms and go with him but this time it's different. All she wanted to do was to go be with Luda this morning, to start the day off right. She looked at him with a nervous smile, “I’ll go with Luda for breakfast and then I’ll spend the rest of the day with you. Is that okay?” 
“That’s fine with me. Can you get me a blueberry muffin?” 
“Okay. I’ll be back in an hour.” 
“Have fun!!”
She waved and said her goodbyes to him, leaving him with a wide smile on his face. Maybe it was all in her head that Hoseok was bad for her. She's been with him for three years and every couple goes through their rough spots, maybe this was their rough spot. She knew she loved him and he loves her (at least that's what she thinks). She continued to make her way to the cafe and memories of Hoseok floated in her mind. 
Two years ago 
It was the day after Hoseok's birthday and they were finally celebrating it alone. She was there with the other members but today was only about them and no one else. Everything was perfect. 
Y/N was dressed in an emerald silk dress that showed off her collarbones perfectly and she had the diamond choker that he had bought her for Christmas. She looked amazing, Luda told her that countless times that day. She needed to hear that, it made her feel even more confident. Luda was the one that helped her pick out the dress for today. 
Which brought Y/N to the hotel room with Hoseok. His hands left her hips to fly up to the headboard and his pace increased, his chest pressed against Y/N’s back. His low grunts echoed through the room and ears making her moan at the sound, “I love you, Y/N.”
“Ah! I love you Hoseok!”
He clenched his jaw at her confession, slamming against her roughly as his hips slapped against her ass. She let out a small welp at the roughness and she was sure that her hips were going to have bruises from his grip. His thrusts were getting sloppier until he was fully pressed against her and they both let out loud groans as he came inside. 
The sound of heavy breathing echoed through the room and he slowly pushed off of her as she dropped to the bed. He looked at her and smiled, he leaned forward giving a soft kiss to her shoulder. 
“Neh, Y/N?”
“Yeah?” 
“Round two in the shower?” 
“....Okay.” 
“Y/N!?” 
She shook her head and looked at Luda who was staring at her with a raised eyebrow. She gave her a quick smile and took a sip of her tea, “Sorry Luda...”
“Are you alright? Do you have something on your mind?” 
She nodded her head and gave her a nervous look, “I have to leave early...Hoseok is going to take me out for dinner.” 
“Oh...” 
Luda looked at her with a look that she has never seen before and it made her heart ache. She looked down at the white table cloth not knowing what to do and slowly looked up to see Luda looking away from her, “Luda...are you mad?” 
“I’m not mad...are you sure it's wise to go back to normal? 
Y/N tilted her head at this and gave her a confused look, “He's leaving for tour soon and I won’t see him for a long time. Well, face to face...”
“That doesn’t answer my question, Y/N.”
“I just want to be with him because I won’t see him for a while, is that so bad?” 
“It’s bad when he treats you badly.”
Y/N bit her lip and stirred her drink as Luda continued to stare at her waiting for anything. Y/N stopped and looked at Luda with a sad smile, “He leaves soon and maybe the stress of the tour made him act like this. You know how he gets.” 
“Y/N...will this make you happy?”
“We’ll see but when he leaves for tour at least we can be together more.” 
Luda let out an awkward laugh and nodded her head, “Yeah...” 
The rest of the breakfast was awkward, well for Y/N. She didn’t want to leave Luda because she actually wanted to go to her house and watch movies but she knew she couldn’t just leave Hoseok. Especially when she saw the smile on his face, it was the same smile that she saw in the beginning of their relationship. It gave her hope that things were going to be normal again. 
Y/N and Hoseok were having dinner at a fancy restaurant after having a quickie on the couch. Y/N had to take a shower afterwards and she had changed her outfit after he accidentally ripped the dress. She was now in a lavender sweetheart dress and white heels as Hoseok was dressed in a suit. She glanced at him as he gave her a quick smirk, “What’s on your mind, love?” 
“You...thank you for setting up this date.”
“Of course, I’m going to miss you when I’m on tour. Thank you for sticking around.” 
“Always.” 
She watched him lift his champagne glass and she followed suit giving him a shy smile. The glasses clinked and she took a sip of her champagne as Hoseok put the glass down, not drinking any. She raised her eyebrow and put the glass back on the table and tilted her head at him, “Why aren’t you drinking?”
“Because I want to be sober when I fuck you in the car.” 
Her face turned red and let out a small cough, making Hoseok let out a laugh, “Hoseok-ah, you can’t just say that in public.” 
“You better hurry up and eat or I’ll be extra rough on you.” 
The two ate dinner as fast as they could and Hoseok didn’t even look at the price on the receipt. He grabbed her wrist and rushed to his car as Y/N let out a small laugh at the eagerness of him. He opened the door that led to his backseat and before she entered the car, Hoseok turned her head giving her a passionate kiss. She closed her eyes and tilted her head to kiss him harder making his arms automatically go around her waist and she did the same but around his neck. When they moved away, she gave him a quick smile before entering the car and as she did so, Hoseok smacked her ass. 
He quickly entered the car and made sure the car was locked. He had to say his thanks to Jungkook for getting his windows tinted. He pushed down his pants and boxers as Y/N lifted up her dress skirt. He tilted his head at her, “No underwear?” 
“I didn’t want panty lines...” 
“Better access for me.” 
“Y/N, I’m going to miss you when I leave.” He held her close to his chest, groaning when she finally grinded on his cock. She let out a small moan and leaned forward giving him a kiss on the tip of his nose.
“I’m going to miss you too, Hobi~.”
She moved her face into his neck and she sucked lightly on his skin, making him groan out. He grabbed her ass with both hands with a tight grip as she continued to ride him. 
“Fuck, Y/N. I love you and your pussy.”
“I’ll always love you, Hobi~.” 
She kissed him gently as she began to move her hips faster, lifting herself up and down. She felt the car move with her and she hoped that no one was in the parking lot at that moment. He threw his head back against the seat and she smiled at the sight. She continued to move up and down and Hoseok let out a loud groan and leaned forward sucking her nipple. 
“I’m gonna come, keep going baby.”
She nodded her head at this and continued to move the best she could. He noticed her moves were starting to get sloppy and he gripped her hips thrusting up into her. She closed her eyes tightly and she let her head go back as she let out a moan. He moved faster and she wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning forward giving him a firm kiss. 
“Baby, can I come in you?”
“Ah, yeah.” 
Hearing her approval made him move faster and his grip on her hips became tighter. She let out a loud moan when she felt the familiar warmth filling her up and her own orgasm took over her. She leaned forward putting her forehead on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her waist. The breathing in the car was the only sound and he turned his head giving her a kiss on her cheek.
She let out a small giggle and turned to face him with a dazed look, “I love you, Hoseok.” 
“I love you, Y/N. Fuck, we need to go home because I’m not done with you.” 
“Hobi...no more than three rounds, please.” 
“We’ll see.” 
The next morning, Y/N woke up and saw that Hoseok was gone, making her raise her eyebrow. She checked her phone and saw that he had an emergency meeting with Namjoon and to leave in a hurry. She texted him back with a simple okay. She didn’t bother getting dressed in her normal attire and headed downstairs to make some tea. When she walked into the kitchen, she heard the door and walked to it with a yawn escaping her mouth. She opened the door and saw Luda with a drink and bag of treats.
“Good morning-” Luda looked down and nodded her head at her attire, Y/N missed the hurt that flashed in her eyes, “Long night?” 
“Yeah, come in.” 
The two girls went to the couch as Y/N glanced at her with a smile, “Are you okay? You're extra quiet.” 
“Just thinking...Do you ever think about college?”
Y/N raised her eyebrow at this and took a sip of her tea, “All the time, why?”
Luda nodded her head at this and took a bite of her muffin with a shrug, “Just asking.” 
“Do you think of college a lot?” 
Luda set her muffin down on the coffee table and turned towards Y/N, “Y/N... do you ever think about us?” 
“Why?”
Luda shook her head and looked at her with a small smile, “Forget it, are we still up for lunch?”
“Of course we are.”
“Did you hear about Yeri?”
Y/N glanced at her with a raised eyebrow, “Yeri? The girl that I used to talk to in chemistry?”
“Yeah, she’s getting married to her partner. Her name is Yon. I think we should go.”
“Yeri’s getting married?”
“I know you guys had that little fling but I’m sure everything is in the past. Plus, you have Hoseok. He fucked the straight into you.”
Y/N let out a small laugh and she took a sip of her tea with an unsure expression, “Yeah…”
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That whole week was filled with dates and multiple orgasms for the couple. Hoseok almost missed his ride to meet up with the others at the airport. It's now been three weeks since Hoseok left for tour and things have been normal. She facetimed him every other day, sending him messages and even did a strip tease for him. She's been with Luda almost everyday and everything was normal. 
That night, she was getting ready for bed when she saw that Hoseok was calling for their nightly routine. She was excited to talk to him because she wanted to tell him that Luda and her were thinking of going on a trip to France. She picked up the phone and put her toothbrush back in the cup. 
“Heyyy, Hobi. How is everything?” 
“Y/N, we need to talk.” 
She raised her eyebrow at the serious tone and headed towards the bedroom with a concerned look. She sat on the bed rubbing her arm in a nervous manner, “What do we need to talk about?” 
“I think we need to break up.” 
Her eyes widened and she dropped her phone on the carpet under her. She didn’t know what to say to him or how to react at this moment. She stared at the wall with a blank expression and it wasn’t until she heard his voice calling out her name. She moved quickly to her phone and picked it up, “Hoseok, why?”
“Listen Y/N, I don’t think me being in a relationship right now is good.”
“Everything was going good...WHY NOW!” 
“I just don’t want a relationship right now. We’ve been going to clubs and honestly, I miss just hooking up with people. Feeling free.” 
“You can’t even wait until you come home to discuss this with me. Face to face and not over the phone. Feeling free? What the hell does that mean?” 
“Why wait when I made the decision now. I just feel like your stopping me from exploring life. I saw Jimin drink and brought a girl back to his room while I was alone talking to you. I want to drink and have fun.” 
“Hoseok!? I’m in this relationship too, don’t I have a say in this?” 
“You're just going to say you don’t want to break up. Listen, we’re both 27 and we deserve to explore life. I have to go.”
“Wait, Hoseok!”
She heard silence on the other side of her phone and she dropped to her knees with a shocked look. What the hell just happened? She pinched herself to make sure she was up and sure enough, she was. She got up from the carpet and stared at herself with wide eyes, she didn’t even notice she was crying. She gently wiped away her tears and went down to grab her phone. She dialed the number that she knew could help her 
“Y/N? It's late, is everything okay?”
“Luda...Hoseok just broke up with me...” 
She didn’t remember the conversation but she went to lay down on the bed with a blank expression. She thought everything was going back to normal, when she had Hoseok loving her and their relationship would forward into marriage. What was she going to tell her parents? They would feel disappointed in her that she couldn’t get married the same way they did. Was she not enough for Hoseok? Did she do something to push him away? 
She heard footsteps and looked up to see Luda looking at her with a concerned look, “Y/N?”
 The sound of her voice made her heart break even more and she started crying with a sad smile on her face, “I guess there's something wrong with me.” 
“Y/N...”
“I thought Hoseok loved me...I really thought we were going to get married and have a family. Did I not show him enough love?”
Luda walked forward and sat on the bed as she shook her head, “Y/N, this isn’t your fault. You have to know that.”
“Then why did he break up with me?” 
“Maybe he was just stress Y/N-”
“My parents are going to be disappointed in me.” 
Luda raised her eyebrow at her but didn’t say anything and placed a plastic bag on the bed, “I bought your favorite candies and drinks. How about we watch something to get your mind off.” 
“Luda, I....I don't know what to do.” 
“Y/N, for tonight let's just watch something-”
“You don’t understand! My whole family is going to look at me as useless because I couldn’t get someone to stay with me.” 
Luda blinked her eyes at her as she looked away with a frown, “I stayed with you...through everything. I never left you, Y/N.” 
Y/N looked at Luda and as another tear fell down her face, “That's true...Luda, I-”
“I’m going to head home because I have work tomorrow. You should go through the bag and go crazy. I guess give Hoseok a couple of days because no matter what...you guys always fix things.” 
“Luda, don’t leave.”
Luda shook her head and stood up from the bed and looked at Y/N with a hard look, “Are you even upset that Hoseok broke up with you or are you upset that you're single?”
“I’m upset that he broke-”
“Don’t lie. The moment I entered you were talking about your parents. This whole relationship was you trying to please him so he could stay with you and for what? To prove to your parents that you can be the same as them?” 
Y/N glared at her and stood up from the bed, “You don’t know anything.”
“I know enough, Y/N. Are you sad that he won’t be with you anymore?” 
Y/N bit her lip and looked away as she hugged herself, “I-I don’t know.” 
“Does he know that you’ve only been with girls before you met him? Do you think that could be the reason why you never felt right in the relationship? Think about it Y/N, you only told your parents about him because he's a man. Your parents think Hoseok is your first ever significant other, just like Hoseok, you lied. I’ve kept my mouth shut about this for three years, no more.” 
Y/N turned her head to look at Luda with tears running down her face and shook her head, “I have to be with Hoseok-”
“Because of your parents or because you love him?” Luda was met with silence as Y/N was looking at the wall with a blank expression. She let out a scoff and shook her head, “The more you hide your true self, the more you lose yourself. Y/N, tell me right now. Tell me the truth.” 
Y/N looked back at Luda and shook her head, “I don’t know...”
“That's the problem Y/N. I can’t always give you the answers, you need to figure it out. For yourself.”
Y/N watched Luda walk out of the room and she stood there for a couple of seconds when she realized what was happening. She ran down the stairs and grabbed Luda’s wrist but she didn’t turn around to look at her, “Luda, don’t leave. I need you here.” 
“Y/N...as much as I want to be here for you, I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Luda turned around and looked at her with a glare, “Because for three years you picked him over me.”  Y/N stood there in shock and stared at her with wide eyes. Luda shook her head and pushed Y/N’s hand off of her wrist, “I have always been there for you, Y/N. I always helped you with outfits for dates because in the back of my head I pretended you were going on dates with me. I was always there to pick up the broken pieces, pieces that were broken because of him. Y/N, what about me? You always went on breakfast dates with me and shit, even dinner. We even kissed in college...Did that mean nothing to you?” 
Y/N shook her head and started crying again, “It made me so happy, Luda. I don’t want to lose you. Please.” 
“I need to go Y/N...I’ll see you later.” 
Y/N watched Luda leave and she shook her head at this. She opened her door and ran out to see Luda enter her car. Y/N started crying and tried to run up to her car but it was too late. She watched the car drive off and she fell down on the concrete with all the hope leaving her body. She started to sob to herself as she brought her knees to her chest, what was she going to do without Luda. Luda was everything to her and now she's gone...
Y/N sat at the park reading her textbook when she heard footsteps making her look up because she knew who it was, “Luda, you're late.” 
“Sorry, I was turning in my paper.”
Y/N smiled at her and closed her textbook, putting it to the side as Luda sat next to her. The tension between them was awkward until Luda let out a small cough, “Are we going to talk about last night?”
“I was going to ask you that...”
The two glanced at each other and then immediately looked away in nervousness. The night before, Y/N and Luda went out to a party that was being held at Luda’s friend's frat house. The two were excited because it was their first college party. The moment they entered, they started drinking. They had so many solo cups that even the frat boys were impressed by them. 
The two sat outside alone and they looked up at the sky with drunken eyes. When they looked back down, they both leaned forward and gave each other a firm kiss before Y/N passed out in Luda’s arms. The two only made it back to their dorm because of Luda’s friend and she was grateful for him. 
The two stared at each other and Luda let out a small laugh, “Was it a good kiss?”
“It was...Luda I don’t know. What do you want to do with this?” 
Luda raised an eyebrow and looked at her confused, “What do you mean?” 
“My parents would never let me be with a girl.” 
Luda frowned at this and nodded her head, “It was a drunk kiss...that's all...” 
Y/N sat on the bed and continued to stare at the wall with her swollen eyes. She glanced at her phone and realized it's only been an hour since Hoseok broke up with her. An hour and she was more upset that Luda left her. She grabbed her phone and dialed Hoseok’s number. When she heard her name on the other side she shook her head, “Hoseok, I wish you the best. I truly do and I don’t have any grudges. Thank you for giving me three years of this relationship, I think this is what I needed. Bye.” 
Before he could say anything she ended the call but it didn’t make her feel any better like she thought it would. 
A week has passed and finally blocked Hoseok’s number. It was ridiculous, he was the one that broke up with her and he was the one that called and texted her. She still hasn't heard from Luda and this broke her heart even more. Today though, she was going to face Luda. Today was her parents' anniversary at the family home and like every year, Luda was invited. Y/N still hasn't told them that she was single and honestly, she wasn’t planning on doing that. 
She dressed herself in a simple pink dress and sat at the table with her sister and brother-in-law. She took a sip of her water as her sister leaned towards her with a smug look, making her feel annoyed, “Where’s your famous boyfriend? It’s been three years and you still haven’t gotten a ring.”
“It’s been almost four years that you’ve been married but you're living with omma and appa. Where's your house, Kayla?” 
Kayla scoffed at this and leaned away with her arms crossed, “At least I got married.” 
Y/N glanced between her sister and her brother-in-law who was flirting with the event planner, “You seem really happy in that marriage of yours. Now, I’m going to leave.” 
Y/N stood up and walked away from her sister's glare. She walked inside her house and was going to head inside the kitchen when she heard her parents' hushed voices. 
“I can’t believe you cheated on me, again.” 
“Harin, get over it. I ended the relationship a month ago.”
She heard a deep sigh and then what sounded like a glass leaving the counter, “I only married you to please my parents.”
“I only married you because your father threatened me.”
Y/N eyes widened at this and walked away before she heard anymore. She walked up to her old room and quietly closed the door. She sat on the bed with her knees to her chest as she stared at her wall. Everyone in her family has a failed marriage she bet. After hearing from her parents and then witnessing her sister’s husband, what was the point of the tradition of marrying your first partner? All it did was give pressure to both parties. 
She heard the door open and she looked and her eyes widened to see Luda in a light blue dress giving her a small smile, “Hey.”
“Hey.”
They both stared at each other before Luda made her way to sit on the edge of the bed. Luda looked down at the carpet before meeting Y/N’s eyes, “You seem like you got stuff on your mind...”
“Luda, I’m sorry. You were right. Everything I did was for my parents and my family...I’m sorry.”
Luda nodded her head and pushed some hair behind Y/N’s ear and they both stared at each other, “I’m glad you can see that, Y/N. Want to ditch this party and go get muffins?” 
“I would love too...” 
She walked out of the house with Luda by her side and eyes widened when saw a familiar figure, “Hoseok?”
He turned his head towards her and ran up to her, grabbing her hands in the process. Luda looked between the two with a raised eyebrow but continued to stand there, not saying a word. Y/N gave him a confused look and gently moved his hands out of hers, “What are you doing here?”
“I knew it was your parents anniversary and I wanted-”
“Hoseok, we are not together anymore. You can’t just show up.” 
“I know but-”
“Y/N, you're not with Hoseok anymore? Why? What did you do?” 
Y/N’s head whipped around to see her parents standing there giving her a disapproving look as her sister gave her an evil smirk. Y/N continued to stare at her parents with wide eyes until her father looked between Hoseok and her, “Are you guys going to get back together?”
“No...we're not.” Hoseok looked at Y/N with wide eyes but she never met his gaze. Y/N scoffed at her parents and shook her head at her family, “All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me but in reality this whole family is fucked up.” 
“What did you just say-”
“THIS WHOLE FAMILY IS FUCKED UP! The fact that your forcing marriage onto your kids is fucked up but not only that, setting up a weird standard. You don’t have to marry your first partner or love. It should be the person you can see a future with no matter what-” She glanced at Luda and gave her quick smile and then back at her parents with a hard glare, “You told me I have to be with a man to continue our tradition and honestly, that’s so stupid. I’M GAY! And I don’t care if you don’t like it because all of you have horrible marriages and lives. I will not continue that. Hoseok, I hope you have fun at the party. Goodbye.” 
She turned around and grabbed Luda’s hand leaving everyone there shocked at her outburst. Luda let out a small laugh when they entered her car and she glanced at Y/N, “That was new for you.”
“Yeah...it was.. It felt good.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you. I deserve a fucking muffin.”
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May 1, 2022
“Do you want to continue what we talked about from last week?”
Y/N took a sip of her water and nodded her head slowly at the doctor, “Is that okay?”
“Of course, these sessions are for you. We can talk about whatever you want.”
Y/N nodded her head and put the glass of water back on the table as she looked down at her knees with sad eyes. She looked back up and tilted her head to look outside the window as she started talking softly, “I hate being alone. All my life, I always craved for someone’s love and devotion. I always wanted a partner... My parents have been together for thirty-five years and they were each other's first loves. I always wanted to experience that with someone. My whole family is filled with first loves and basically having the perfect relationships. My cousin is married to her high school sweetheart and everyone else is the same, except for me. 
My first relationship in high school was a secret to everyone. They were just for fun. It was me rebelling in a way towards my parents because they always said to me, if marriage wasn’t on the table then the relationship is meaningless. It wasn’t until my older sister got married and my parents looked at me with pleading eyes. They wanted me to get married soon but I haven’t met anyone that made me feel that way. 
It was the day after the wedding and I was working at my supermarket job. I was already thinking about my future and how maybe I was destined to be alone in my parents eyes. It was at the moment I met eyes with him. I dropped the cans I was holding when I saw him because the only thing I saw was his heart-shaped smile. He ran to me and helped me pick up the cans but I couldn’t say anything to him. Did I even deserve to hear his name? The fact that I thought this man was worth more than me at the time is...sad but that's how you learn for the future, I guess. It makes me think, was I too in love with him or was I too busy trying to make everyone else happy so I resulted in being fake. I don’t even know...”  
“I think you do know why, Y/N.” 
Y/N nodded her head and gave her therapist a smile, “I do know why...” 
“How about you say it out loud.”
“I’m…I’m gay...but I’m not ready to go into a relationship...I don’t want Luda waiting for me because I’m not ready. its not fair to her.”
Her therapist smiled at her and quickly took a sip of her coffee, “From what you told me about Luda, it seems like she would do anything for you. Don’t think of it as unfair for her, think of it as a time you're giving yourself to love her, truly.” 
She nodded her head at this and smiled to herself, “It felt good saying that out loud...that I’m...that I’m gay.”
“Acceptance is the first step and it's the biggest step you could ever take.”
Y/N nodded her head at this and smiled to herself. For the first time in a while she could finally say to herself that everything was going to be okay. She may have loved Hoseok back then but it wasn’t real love, it was a facade that she forced on herself. Everything about that relationship was fake and now she had to move on, for herself. It was time to live her life the way she wanted, with no restrictions. She deserves that much.
And I don't wanna feel, I don't wanna feel hollow. Chasin' you and me, chasin' all of these shadows. This ain't a heartbreak anthem. I don't care what happened, But I ain't got no time to dwell on it.
Tag list:
@belladaises​ @iknowyoualwaystae​ @vinylphwoar @mickmoon​ @delicateladypeach @bbl32​ @arepabella​ @scuzmunkie
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zemiki · 20 days
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Therapy
I've been going to therapy still, tho slower than usual since I don't need it as often. My therapist is working on confidence and being assertive about my feelings. She also undid a lot of gaslighting I endured from not only my ex, but ex-friends. I spent years thinking my memory was bad, because they would deny how events went down or stuff they said, and so she tested my memory over the course of multiple sessions and told me that my memory was amazingly good. So I've been talking to her about how I felt about being gaslit so much. Next is not shutting down when I'm being yelled at because I go whole "deer in headlights." So basically confidence and assertiveness.
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iosonounapersonamiao · 5 months
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I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I have just been to a therapy session, and the therapist talked about how my view of the world was subjective. He spent the whole hour explaining that to me, but I don’t know why because that wasn’t what I was trying to discuss.
He told me that other people think differently, so just because I think they might have been disrespectful to me because they hate me or because I am a nothing, maybe they weren’t. Basically he told me to rationalize my low self-esteem. But in the previous session he told me not to rationalize and to just feel angry. So which is which?
My mother told me that maybe he meant that I have to feel angry and only then rationalize.
But still, why did we talk about this simple concept in a whole hour?
But also, I fear that my morality, my ethics, my world-view is imperfect, false, unrealistic.
I fear that I am delusional. And it's scary to believe in something that is not true.
It's scary to be wrong.
And I think I just... don't want to have an opinion anymore. Because I want to be objective and right.
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Are you there, recovery? It's me, relapse.
Welp. Got my ass back in AlAnon. Really, if I'm being fair to myself, I never left recovery. Basically since February of 2016, I'm been clawing and scraping my way to a healthier life.
February 2016: Joined AlAnon, attended 1-4 times weekly for 14 months. November 2016: Started weekly, then biweekly, then monthly therapy for 3.5 years. April 2017: Quit AlAnon (still deeply in therapy) February 2020: Went back into AlAnon, attended for a few months, then Zoom AlAnon died out. April 2020: "Graduated" from therapy (knew I needed a female therapist to work on sex trauma) and Zoom therapy sucked. May 2020: Started meditating ~sometimes, still going! August 2021: Tried AlAnon in new city, only attended a few meetings. September 2021: Started 200 hour yoga teacher training, finished in February. January 2022: Started biweekly therapy with sex trauma therapist, still going strong. June 2022: One-month sabbatical from my partner. November 2022: Back in 3rd city AlAnon, 2-4 times weekly, now living with my mother (temporarily?)
Meanwhile I've read a kajillion books and articles, listened to so many podcasts, attended numerous trainings, and have had a million conversations with people in an effort to deepen my authenticity and connections. I really am healing. I went back on my primary blog to see if I wrote about why I quit and gee whiz did my attitude suck. My attitude sucks now but not nearly as bad.
But ok, yeah, so here I am journaling. Because I don't want to do therapy AT my relationships, my actual therapist can only do so much (especially if I spend the whole session just regurgitating stuff to feel Heard when I could process here), and I have a lot to work through. I know that writing does a lot of good for memory and behavioral activation, especially after I flood myself with new information. I need to synthesize, process, rehearse, plan, set goals, and check in on myself.
It turns out I'm still deeply codependent with my partner, I rarely experience confidence, I experience deep shame most of the time that I open my mouth, I take personal responsibility for how people feel about me and around me, and if I'm being honest, I have flippant suicidal thoughts a little too often. I quickly spiral into despair, overwhelm, and hopelessness. It's possible the reasons I feel so terrible after dancing, talking, drinking, sharing, or having sex is because most of those are spontaneous, vulnerable expressions of myself and I feel like I am gross, bad, and wrong at my core. I only feel "confident" when I followed rules or a script well.
Financially I would like to stay with my mom a while longer, or maybe move in with my BFF, but I have a savings account and this might be a season of my life that requires drawing on it. Even though I have spent so much on teacher training, my master's certificate that I never finished, and my car might die soon. I want to hoard my safety net. My breathing gets tight when I think about money and the future.
However, I know I need to live alone. I'd like to find a nice little studio or one-bedroom here in my family's town, but I might go live in the big city with my other BFF if she separates from her partner, too. I need to figure out how much it'll cost to break the lease in our current place in Nowhere. God money stresses me out. This wasn't supposed to be a planning post but clearly I'm preoccupied.
I have a racial justice meeting in 30 minutes that I want to want to do, but I mostly want to flake. It asks a lot of me and exposes vulnerabilities and that's why I should lean in and grow through them, do my exposure therapy, but oooh the temptation of cancelling plans.. I know I usually feel better when I do things. God but I was up at 3:30am for work.. but also be the change you want to see in the world (and yourself) and I wanna be the kind of person who shows up. But boundaries! But sometimes self care is doing the hard thing...
I dunno man. I'm scared. I feel small and bad and overwhelmed and a little alienated. I have fabulous people in my life, I do. I have so much ego to dissolve, though. I also wanna explore at some point if my gratitude and encouragement practices are actually fawning or attachment/unhelpful ego reflections, versus actual non-violent communication offerings.
I'd like to write here at least weekly, maybe to discuss what I learn in therapy, in AlAnon, or do some structured journal prompts from all the things I've learned. I'd like an AlAnon sponsor once I know where I'll be. I'd like to read my daily literature at least every-other day, and meditate most days. I liked going to my mom's exercise class, she has a WiiFit, I always love going to my friends' in-person yoga classes, tis the season for indoor YouTube yoga too, and there's a walking track here I can use. I also found out I love hiking int he cold, as long as I'm dressed appropriately. I'm so grateful my car is still going - it's an anchor in a period that feels like homelishness.
I am good, I think. I do think I belong here, probably. Affirmations don't feel right and I'm very confused but I'm gonna keep trying and showing up. Ugh and I'll probably do that racial justice thing tonight too. It's about faith, so that'll be neat.
Future Me, I hope I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for my imperfections; please love me, understand me, forgive me. I'm trying to get there, but I'm also trying to enjoy here. We've been so cruel to Past Me and I want us all to be good, be ok, be whole. Be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease - you know? Thank you for looking out for me. We can do this, because others have and others will, and we belong with them. We belong. Everything is fine. All of it was good, right?
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fencesandfrogs · 1 year
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Therapy today…was. We talked about el michi. I had planned on talking to him, but sometimes it doesn’t work like that.
CW: today’s therapy session was about me dealing with a symptom of my disorder. Much like a depressed person might earnestly believe the world is hopeless, so do I have symptoms. Be aware of that, especially if you’re not in therapy or would struggle with possible reinforcement.
What it came down to is that — I can’t accept him as part of myself. I basically spent the whole hour arguing with my therapist about this. That something can be in me but not of me.
So what me and my therapist agreed on is that I don’t have to. If I can’t, I don’t have to. All I have to do is say, “I hear you. You are seen. Your opinion is heard.”
She gave me permission to say a bit more, but I don’t want to. Whatever life he has that gives him his beliefs, he can have that. He can be a part of my life. But we’re not getting confused: he’s not me.
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dentixvoxel · 2 years
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ough no, i have to talk abt my last therapy session even just a little bit to give context as to how i somehow ended up severely dissociating for nearly 24 hours straight (hell) and how posca markers Saved My Ass(tm)
Some long personal rambling below
so we spent nearly the entire session talking about school and such and i really didn't vibe with that since im still having severely complex feelings about the concept of "should/will i graduate this year???" and only towards the very end of the session did i go "hey so uh.... can i get checked for potentially having adhd? my mom's kinda worried abt that". And my therapist seemed very,, reluctant abt it????? bc shes not sure how much the medication would help and it was like getting hit in the face with a shovel like wait what????? when did i mention THAT????? AIEH???? bestie WHAT???? and she said that the tests ive done that got me my autismo diagnosed as kid are also used to screen for the adhd and im like ?????? well????? so i made her go and look up the last time i did one of those tests at the age of 18 to see what it concluded and lmao guess what. the things i scored lower at compared to ye avergae population can be indicative of both adhd and/or autism. My therapist jusy wasnt sure if my struggles with attentuon and memory are the autism kind or adhd kind. Like actually fuck my life. I still asked to be able to do a test again nexy session cuz fuck. My major shock was her basically telling me that since weve done all these tests already, we could just skip the whole UFMING DIAGONOSIS PART and go STRAIGHT to medication.
And then i went and fucking dissociated for 24 hours straight and oh boy those were undeniably one of the worst 24h of my life. I literally kept forgetting and remembering what i had done that day in rapid succession, it was horrible. At one point whilst playing audiosurf i noticed i wasn't even fuckin paying attention to what i was doing and was just autopiloting the game. And then my phone deciding to update without my consent cuz apparently it had died during the night which made me so fucking MAAAAAD. Going to the mall, at a bus stop my brain convinced itself that a completely random woman is a Threat for some reason??? Like i was geniuenly super tense the entire bus ride??? That was extremely weird.
At the mall out of impulse i stopped by an art store i had never gone into before and upon seeing the posca markers i felt like i was suddenly alive again. Like wow i could actually Think again?? Dont do severe dissociation kids, it's evil. When i got back home i must've still looked really off from all of that cuz my mom later told me that she feels like she needs to comfort me but based off of the look on my face.
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a-kind-of-merry-war · 3 years
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Make me breath
I love a good Jaskier whump story and this one is just *chef's kiss*. I especially loved the part where Jaskier finds out and chases Geralt out the door to reassure him. Yeah, some good stuff.
Ahhh thank you 💖 I really like that fic (link), and I think it's probably one of my favourites. I'm really proud of the visceral nature of the CPR scene, and Geralt's guilt about it.
So, a secret about that fic would be that when I started writing it I was having a really shitty time. I was feeling rubbish, and around then I'd posted a few "whump the bard" fics. I'd feel bad, and take the sad-feelings out on Jaskier as pain-feelings, and that was my intention with this one. It was never supposed to be longer than 3k!
But then. But then. Geralt just had to get his emotions all over it. And "I'm going to hurt Jaskier because I'm feeling bad" became a character study on Geralt going "I am unworthy of love" and "I am only as valuable as what I can do for others, and I even do that wrong" and afterwards I sat there going...
Okay, brain, god. Did you have to be so fucking obvious about it??
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After some thinking, a conversation with my sister-in-law with a psych degree, and a couple of sessions with my godsend of a therapist, I think I've finally put my finger on the thing about Mobius that Loki (and a lot of the fandom tbh) so quickly latched onto like a man dying of thirst at the first sign of water:
Unconditional positive regard.
This concept is at the core of client-centered psychology and basically is a stance that a therapist will take in relation to their client, where they simply accept and support their client as a person, regardless of what they do or say.
My therapist uses this framework with me, and when the Loki series came out, I immediately saw Mobius and was like "holy crap, this man has the exact same energy as Sami what???" And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why until I was talking about it with my sister-in-law and she mentioned unconditional positive regard. And then it clicked.
Mobius radiates unconditional positive regard from the minute he meets Loki in episode 1, and arguably even from the first time we even see him onscreen. He approaches everyone he interacts with using a basic framework of "I see you and care about you as a person, and nothing you do or say can change that," so we immediately get the impression that this man is soft, kind, and shaped like a friend. However, it's most obvious and pointed in his interactions with Loki.
While yes, Mobius' primary objective in episode 1 is to interrogate Loki, it's important to note that it's not an interrogation where Mobius is trying to find proof of guilt for a crime like we'd see in a typical detective procedural. Rather, Mobius is trying to see if this variant of Loki is self aware enough to be able to help him in his hunt for Sylvie. It's fundamentally a test to find out Loki's current place in his emotional and psychological development. It is not maliciously intended, and it is not designed to harm Loki. On the contrary, the intent is clearly to help Loki begin to come to terms with the reality of who he is and the choices he has made.
In fact, the whole time this is happening, Mobius very purposefully strives to foster an environment where Loki knows that A.) Mobius sees him. Truly sees and knows him. B.) Despite knowing what Loki is and what he's done, Mobius loves him and regards him positively, and C.) nothing Loki can do or say will change that positive regard.
Loki, however, is super not used to receiving unconditional positive regard. He has no idea how to respond to it. He feels like it's a trick, like there's another shoe just waiting to drop. I related to him hardcore in this scene because that's exactly how I felt when my therapist presented me with unconditional positive regard for the first time. It's confusing and strange and difficult to believe at first. Especially because it sets the stage for honest self reflection and personal growth that can be incredibly painful.
Loki is not a perfectly innocent person. He has done a lot of really bad things and hurt a lot of people in his life. He has a lot of very deep seated trauma that has informed these actions, but he still made those choices and he needs to take responsibility for them. This is not a fun process. Mobius knows this is actually a really awful, sucky process. But he also knows that change and growth requires two things: acknowledgement that a change needs to be made and the expectation that change can and will occur when properly cultivated. Mobius clearly laying out the reality of Loki's actions and who he is in the Sacred Timeline is the first part of that equation, and his unflappable, unconditional positive regard towards Loki as a person despite knowing that reality cultivates an environment for the second part to flourish.
"By definition, it is essential in any helping relationship to have an anticipation for change. In the counseling relationship, that anticipation presents as Hope—an optimism that something good and positive will develop to bring about constructive change in the client's personality. Thus, unconditional positive regard means that the therapist has and shows overall acceptance of the client by setting aside their own personal opinions and biases. The main factor in unconditional positive regard is the ability to isolate behaviors from the person who displays them." (source)
Mobius is not Loki's therapist, but he does take on a therapeutic role in Loki's life. He shows Loki that he is fully aware of all of Loki's faults and mistakes. He's seen them over and over again and knows them by heart because it's his job. And in the face of all of that he looks at Loki and says that he doesn't see him as a villain. That he likes him anyway and believes that Loki has the potential to help him and what he believes is the cause of good. (Yes the TVA is corrupt, but neither of them know that at this point, and the fact that both Mobius and Loki believe this to be the side of good to varying degrees is important here)
Mobius maintains this regard throughout the series and his subsequent interactions with Loki and when talking about Loki to Ravonna and others, and it's a big part of why Loki so quickly trusts and feels comfortable around Mobius. I know some people say it's unrealistic how fast it was, but it made a lot of sense just based on my experience. I mean, after one (1) session with my therapist, I was 100% ride or die for him, and it was kind of absurd. But the feeling of being seen like that is so potent when you're starved for it, that extreme reactions to it make a lot of sense. And if anyone's starved for unconditional positive regard, it's Loki.
Mobius is only human though, and he's not perfect at this. Over the course of the series, it's clear that Mobius has emotionally invested a lot in his Loki, and he struggles to maintain a professional distance, though he usually is able to keep his head enough to give Loki that positive regard he needs. The only time we see this regard slip is in episode 4 when Mobius is feeling betrayed and jealous. In these moments, Mobius is unable to step back from his feelings enough to get into a headspace where he can separate Loki's actions from who he is. He calls Loki an asshole and a bad friend, and it comes from a place of hurt and jealousy. It's also what drives Loki into a defensive mode we haven't seen since episode 1. He's no longer receiving that unconditional positive regard from Mobius and he feels betrayed. He worries that maybe it was all an act in the first place and Mobius never really cared for him at all. For the first time, Loki feels like Mobius doesn't see the best in him anymore and it hurts.
Mobius' unconditional positive regard was genuine, though, and this is reinforced in the subsequent scenes where we see him act on his instinctual desire to assume the best of Loki and investigate his claims. We see it again when he returns to Loki and he reaffirms both his desire to trust Loki and his belief that Loki can be "whoever, whatever he wants to be, even someone good." At this point, Loki is able to accept it and no longer pushes back against Mobius' belief in Loki's goodness and that he "has within himself vast resources for self-understanding, for altering his self-concept, attitudes, and self-directed behavior." He's grown and begun to see himself in a more realistic and positive light and it's a direct result of the time Mobius has spent cultivating that relationship based on unconditional positive regard.
That's why their relationship feels so comfortable and satisfying. Unconditional positive regard isn't only a therapy principle. It's something everyone craves in a relationship. To be seen as you are, flaws and mistakes and quirks and all is terrifying and mortifying, but when that person then just smiles and says I love you anyway because you are not your mistakes and you are not your flaws and nothing you can ever do or say can change how I feel about you, the relief and joy and comfort is more than worth the discomfort. So I think the idea that Mobius can look at someone as deeply flawed, broken, and jaded as Loki and love him exactly as he is right there and then, eyes wide open and smiling, believing that beneath it all Loki has the potential to be good, gives us hope that someone could do the same for us. I know that's what Lokius does for me, at least. Mobius represents to me the ideal of unconditional positive regard, and having an image of what that looks like in the character of Mobius gives us the opportunity to apply it to ourselves when we may not get it elsewhere in our lives. And I, for one, think that's very sexy of him.
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thefanficmonster · 3 years
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Take That!
Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang
Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing
Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)
Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.
Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤
There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.
I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.
The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.
Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.
I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.
Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.
                                                              *  *  *
Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 
Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.
It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.
“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.
Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute
“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“
I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”
Fuck, that was too real
“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“
“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“
Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.
“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.
“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.
I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?
“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“
“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“
“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“
“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“
“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“
I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.
“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.
“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.
“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“
And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.
I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.
Take that, brain!
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b0rista · 3 years
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— 𝐁𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐄, 𝐒𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐀, 𝐉𝐄𝐀𝐍, & 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐎 𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐃. ˚ ༘♡ ·˚ ₊
𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: language, because i can't form sentences without using "fuck" every other word JDJD.
𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒: i only made this modern because i desperately wanted to include marco to the fullest leave me aloneEffsg. gn! reader, and i went pretty lengthy on this one so beneath the cut is where the headcanons start :)
𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓: bearbrickjia on instagram!
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by far, the best friend group to have. everyone balances one another out, and it's a perfectly imperfect mesh of teenagers.
there's jean, the group's centerpiece. he's the alpha of the posse, usually working as their own personal line leader whenever they're caught doing something as a group. he'll never admit it, but he's also the dad friend. of course, he's more of a "i wish i never gave birth to you oh my god please leave me alone also i love you" type than the stereotypical dad friend.
there's marco, the glue holding the group together. unsurprisingly, he's the calm, kindhearted support system that balances out the cokeheads, keeping them all sturdy. without a doubt, the group would fall apart without him. they need him, okay!! and by "them," i mean jean and yourself. marco, never change.
following up, there's connie & sasha, the wonder twins. their roles are pretty self explanatory, given their natural rambunctiousness. they're the two that hang out outside of the group the most, for obvious reasons. they're the crackhead siblings that bring life to the group, despite the hot water they typically land the others in. through their antics and their comic relief, they're irreplaceable. still, it's easy to want to strangle them sometimes.
next, there's you! because you're the reader, i won't name any specifics, but you're greatly cherished. you mark your place in the crew through various ways, having a unique relationship with each and every member. when he's in need of a breather outside of his typical nest (AKA marco), jean hits your line. if you're needing any kind of assistance with literally anything ever, marco's there to help. craving some chaos? bitch, connie & sasha have GOT YOU.
the main hangout spot is jean's house, 100%. not only has his mom practically adopted the whole squad, but there's only two people living there, so it isn't crowded. connie banned literally all four of you from his place, lmao. there was too many people there, and his family lives to humiliate him.
the group has this one policy, set down by yourself and jean: four piece maximum. this is directed solely towards sasha, of course, considering her tendency to raid her friends' fridges entirely of any food. if she's ever caught rummaging through a fridge for longer than necessary, it's the home owner's duty to shout, "four piece minimum!"
^ it never fails to startle her 😭. one time, she hit her head so hard on the fridge ceiling at jean's house she had to use a bag of frozen peas to soothe the swelling.
then, she proceeded to eat the thawed out peas. jean gagged.
the inside jokes? endless. all it takes is one word from a single event, and the five of you are losing your shit. it's cute, to be honest, how overzealous you all get from a single instance from months ago.
"ha. heh. hee."
"what is it?"
"ngGhh,, chEDDAR TIDDIES-"
"AHHHHHAGAGSHHDJF-"
if there are any inside jokes formed between two group members that isn't shared with the rest of them, there will be immediate bitterness. one time, you and sasha were giggling to yourselves over some druggie named jerry who'd tried selling baskets of rotten cherries to the two of you during a gas station haul— the boys were not having it. what the fuck were you doing without them, "friends"?
right before starting your guys' senior year of highschool, the five of you were on a group facetime when you all sent your schedules into group chat. due to the scarceness of your soon-to-be-majors, absolutely none of you had any classes together. you had a single lunch period with connie while marco had one with jean, but that was about it. it was,, a dramatic discovery. sasha fucking screamed.
"i have nothing with nobody!"
"calm down, sash-"
"you have lunch with y/n! LUNCH! that's my place, lunch. this is despicable, this is evil, this is a braus hate crime-"
yeah, she didn't take it that well. it's okay, doe. the four of you made a special effort during your passing periods, giving sasha enough of a fix for her to make it through each and every day.
it isn't like the five of you don't hang out outside of the classroom, either!! if you hadn't already made plans during that week, the weekend is where you absolutely thrive as a group. study sessions that always shift into exclusive house parties, lunches spent at your favorite places, the occasional visit to the movie theater, and so on. with a mini crowd like that, it's hard for any of you to get bored.
jean's hopeless crush on mikasa is a big factor in your friendship. when everyone minus marco (because he's an angel) isn't mercilessly teasing him, you're all trying to actually help the fucker score the girl. from talking him up obnoxiously enough whereas she'll hear, or flat out telling her to give him a chance, it's an actual effort. though, it's unfortunately all to no avail. shawty's too smitten with eren to even consider her options.
^ with that being said, the four of you have to give jean the "there are other fish in the sea" scoop more often than you'd like to admit.
group cuddles. that's that.
because he's the tallest and therfore the longest (probably, depending on your height), everybody has a chosen body part of jean's to latch onto during naps. connie has one leg while you have the other, and sasha keeps her head rested on his shoulder. marco's at the very bottom, entangling his legs in your own. somehow, this is heaven for jean. he'll never admit to it, though. as far as any of you are concerned, he HATES IT.
ranking from #1 as the best and #5 as the worst, these are the rated group therapists: ⇩︎
#1: marco. self explanatory, he's an amazing listener and provides supremely good advice. that, and he'd literally rather die than let any of his friends internalize anything they're dying to let loose.
#2: you. really, you're just a lot better than jean or connie. sasha's okay at it, but she's not the best at rationalizing, leaving you at second best. basically, when marco isn't available, you're where the freak shows go. marco goes to you about things, too.
#3: sasha. again, she's just a loT better than the final two. sasha's a sweetheart! she's empathetic, and nonjudgmental. we love her in this house.
#4: connie. also somewhat of a sweetheart, although not as much as sasha. he'll drop a shit ton of humor into serious conversations, making them just a tad bit more tolerable.
#5: jean. look, he's a great friend! however, he isn't all that empathetic, and he'll have some trouble understanding. still, he would try his hardest to make you or the other three feel better :,)).
in a modern universe, i know damn well connie's a half-assed stoner 30% of the time. he doesn't light up all that often, and he doesn't tell anybody about it, even you guys. mainly because marco will grill him for it DJFK. however, you stumbled upon his mini marijuana stash and he was like ahh, shit. you didn't really care doe, his secret is safe with you. you, however, now have DIRT on him.
matching bracelets that you all made for eachother yEars ago but never wear 🥺🥺.
many, many, many poly relationship jokes. only jokes, though. some people take it too literally, which y'all just laugh at.
there's a miniature rivalry going on between you and another nearby friend group: reiner, bertholdt, annie, ymir, and christa. of course, all of you are friends, it's all fun in games— most of the time, anyway. it's a funny rivalry, and you guys go at it quite a bit.
one of your guys' most intense debates is whether or not marco has freckles on his dick.
he,, refuses to show any of you, or even anSweR you.
"you act like we can't just check whenever we use the urinals, man."
"CONNIE-"
now, marco refuses to go to the bathroom at the same time as any of the boys <\33.
the group band? black eyed peas.
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jungshookz · 4 years
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the one where yoongi hates his therapist but kind of likes her receptionist; lveb!verse
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➺ pairing; min yoongi x reader
➺ genre; lveb!universe equal parts emotionally constipated and cheeky yoongi!! the man of our dreams!! i don’t really know what to categorize this drabble as but it’s cute and it’s sfw <3 
➺ wordcount: 5k 
➺ summary; yoongi hates going to therapy - but you and your dumb little hershey kisses make it a tiny bit better, he supposes. 
➺ what to expect; “you like a man who’s unable to form emotional bonds with people, baby?”
➺ optional reading: not necessary but feel free to read la vie en bonsai just to get a feel for what yoongi’s like and why we’re all falling hopelessly in love with him!! 
                                          »»————- ♡ ————-««
“see you next week, yoongi!”
“uh-huh, yep.” the smile on yoongi’s face drops as soon as he shuts the door behind him and he immediately rolls his eyes
well
that was an hour and a half of his life that could’ve gone towards something more productive
watching paint dry probably would’ve been more productive than whatever the hell that was
dr. i-don’t-have-chairs-but-i-have-beanbags basically spent the entire session asking him to list out things that he loved which he thought was going to be an easy task because he liked a lot of things!
and everything was easy peasy lemon squeezy until dr. glittery-purple-nameplate pointed out that yoongi kept saying that he ‘liked’ this and he ‘liked’ that and he’d never actually said he ‘loved’ anything once and then she went into the whole ‘why do you think you’re so scared of love?’ thing and his eyes rolled so far back into his skull that he actually saw his pink, wrinkly brain
he knows that she’s just doing her job but he’d really appreciate if one of his sessions with her just consisted of the two of them sitting in silence while scrolling through their phones
he even asked her one time if it’d be alright if they did that just so he could tell his friend (the one that sent him here) that he willingly sat through an entire session of therapy 
obviously she said no and yoongi resisted the urge to use that as an excuse to give her 1/5 stars on google reviews (unfortunately the option to give 0 stars isn’t available) 
it’s just really hard to believe that dr. are-you-more-comfortable-opening-up-to-my-homemade-handpuppet-rory-the-lion has 5/5 shining gold stars on basically every single one of her google reviews
yoongi should be happy that he’s going to one of the best therapists in the city but he’s noT because: he doesn’t even need therapy!
he doesn’t even know why he’s here!
he shouldn’t be in therapy!
he’s min frickin yoongi!!
what the hell does he need a therapist for??
what the hell does he need therapy for?!
he can literally solve his own problems
if he’s sad he just plays video games all day and also eats an entire pint of ice cream  
if he’s mad he just plays violent video games all day and aggressively shoves an entire pint of ice cream into his mouth
he’s spent his entire life coming up with different coping mechanisms for himself and he thinks that he has a pretty good grip on his emotions
the only one that he’s a little iffy about is obviously <3 love <3 but-
that’s not a big deal, is it?
yes, technically speaking, he’s “emotionally unavailable” or whatever, but he really doesn’t know why that’s such an issue
yes, the thought of committing to someone in a long-term relationship and the thought of saying “i love you” to someone makes him want to rip his skin off but again, he really doesn’t know why that’s such a big iSSUE
besides
emotional unavailability is sexy
whenever he tells someone that he’s incapable of loving and the sex we’re going to have in three seconds will be animalistic and primal and will also mean nothing to me whatsoever their underwear basically flies off their legs and out the window
so, again: what! is! the! big! problem!
the only reason why he’s here is because, as mentioned earlier, one of his friends set up an appointment for him because god knows he’s not here of his own accord
(also, she did it without asking him first, so he’s still a little upset with her, but she made him a whole batch of brownies as a form of an apology so now he’s a little less upset with her. just a little, though.)
he knows she means well and only wants the best for him but he’s starting to think that maybe she sent him here to torture him and not to help him
his original plan was to go for like one or two sessions and then end it there buT there’s just a teeny little detail he has yet to mention 
there is one (1) thing that keeps him coming back every week
he’d even go as far as to say that this thing is the only thing that motivates him to continue to waste his hard-earned money on these weekly appointments
and that thing is-
“yoongi!” your eyes light up and yoongi can’t help but smile at how excited you are to see him even though you literally saw him when he was checking in an hour and a half ago, “how was your session?”
“it was-”
“oh, wait!” you gasp before pressing a finger up against your lips, “i don’t know if i’m legally allowed to ask you that. pretend i didn’t said anything.”
“my session was fine-” yoongi ignores you as he folds his arms up on the counter and leans forward, “i’m still dead on the inside and the concept of love remains ever so terrifying, so… yeah! everything’s pretty much the same.”
“ah, yes.” you lean forward as well, “that’s exactly what every girl wants to hear.”
“oh yeah?” the corner of yoongi’s mouth twitches in a smirk, “you like a man who’s unable to form emotional bonds with people, baby?” he asks in a particularly sultry tone and you grin in response
“you gotta stop calling me that before i fully fall in love with you, yoongi-” you sigh dramatically before flittering your lashes at him and yoongi laughs lightly, “well, it is what it is. one day at a time, right?”
“baby steps.” yoongi hums and you nod in agreement before suddenly perking up
“hey- you want a kiss?”
another reason why yoongi enjoys your company is because you keep a little gumball machine on your desk
except you despise gumballs (you told him that on his very first day here when he asked you why there were no gumballs in what was obviously a mini gumball machine) so you filled it up with hershey’s chocolate kisses instead (you change the flavour of them every week! last week they were the milk chocolate almond ones)
“a kiss? from you?” yoongi digs his hands into his pockets, “at least let me put some chapstick on first, darling.”
“you know what i mean, yoongi.” you roll your eyes playfully before plopping the machine down in front of him, “they’re the cookies and creme ones this week!”
"mhm. whatever helps you sleep at night, y/n.”
                                                                  ♡
“see you next week, yoongi!”
“you got it, chief.” yoongi forces a smile before promptly shutting the door behind him
he lets out a huff before shaking his hair out of his eyes
somehow the hour and a half in there felt more like four hours and a half
he kept looking at the clock and whenever he thought that at least a good twenty minutes had gone by, it’d turn out that only like two and a half minutes had gone by!
he feels like maybe once the door is shut that time just ceases to exist
today he was forced to talk about all of the romantic relationships he’s ever had and that’s something that he’s never really discussed with… anyone, really.
not even his closest friends! 
yoongi’s had a multitude of flings but he’s been in three serious-ish relationships (yes, he knows that’s a huge surprise) - obviously none of them worked out because he’s now in therapy for his intimacy issues, but still
needless to say, they messed him up pretty bad
see, his problem was (and you probably wouldn’t be able to guess it after looking at him) the fact that he… fell in love too hard and way too fast.
his first one was in high school - he was pretty much ready to marry this girl and even gave her a promise ring to which she freaked out and broke up with him on the spot 
(she said she felt that it would be better if they broke up since they were both going off to different universities and long distance relationships were tough)
(on the same day they broke up she immediately changed her facebook status back to single which yoongi thought was a pretty icy thing to do)
his second one was in his first year of university (not very long after the high school breakup because that’s how desperate he was to fall in love again) and he wasn’t super sure if he loved this person or if he just wanted to fill the empty void inside of him bUT after two months of dating yoongi asked them if they wanted to move into the same dorm together for the second semester of first year - they said no. 
and then they broke up with him. 
and yoongi ended up with a single-person dorm, which was great!
:D because it meant no one could hear him crying himself to sleep at night worrying that he would never find true love and that no one would ever love him :D
and finally, with his last relationship, he told [unnamed person because yoongi would like to keep that private, thank you very much] that he loved them, like, two weeks after they’d started properly dating (they’d known each other for a year before getting together so yoongi didn’t think it was that weird. it’s not that weird, right??)
long story short, they didn’t say it back, and instead responded with: “oh! thank… you?” and that was a pretty devastating (and humiliating) blow for yoongi and it was after that breakup that he decided that things just had to change
he couldn’t be this person for the rest of his life!
this pathetic wimpy shrimPY little ‘<3 i love you <3’ weak-ass PUNK
eventually he figured that if he just turned all his emotions off, he wouldn’t run into anymore issues
it’s like that saying mo’ money mo’ problems except in this case it would be less emotions less problems
and he thinks it’s been working out pretty well for him so far!
he’s never gotten attached to any of his one-night stands (although he can’t say the same for them, because c’mon - he’s an absolute catch)
and he kind of takes pleasure knowing that they want to have something more with him when he doesn’t want anything at all
he likes playing with feelings
it’s like dangling a piece of candy over a little baby
it’s fun!
…does that make him a twisted individual? 
is he going to go to hell for being a little emotionally manipulative?
also he always finds himself snickering whenever one of his friends started talking about how much they love (gags) their significant others
even the one who sent him here - she just started dating someone in her apartment building - is fully in love with her significant other (he might even go as far to say it was love at first sight for the both of them (double gag)) and sometimes yoongi has to shove a croissant into her mouth just to get her to stop blabbing about how fond she is of her boyfriend
after all this time, yoongi has finally figured out that love is merely a concept
it’s not real!
it’s an idea. 
love is not real.
so, again - yoongi genuinely doesn’t see the issue with being emotionally unavailable. 
this isn’t just him being stubborn or anything - he literally cannot come up with one single reason as to why being emotionally constipated is such a bad thing 
real life constipation is pretty bad but emotional constipation is totally fine! 
emotions make everything that much more difficult and he doesn’t have the time nor the energy to deal with it
being emotionally unavailable makes life easy, breezy AND beautiful!
...
of course, there is the one slight issue that sometimes pops into his mind
is he okay with being like this for the rest of his life?
because if he is, he’s… literally going to die alone.
sure, his friends will be there (unless they die before him, in which case he’s actually going to be alone), but even yoongi has to admit that platonic companionship and romantic companionship are two entirely different things 
is he truly incapable of falling in love with someone? 
he... doesn’t like thinking about that
he prefers to keep those gloomy thoughts tucked away in the dusty basement of his brain
he’d much rather think about-
“yoongi!” you greet as enthusiastically as always as yoongi rounds the corner, “have fun today?”
fun?
in therapy?
that’s hilarious.
“fun? oh, yeah.” yoongi snorts as he folds his arms up on the countertop, “i even got to talk to rory today.”
the two of you exchange knowing glances and you snort before quickly reaching up to clap a hand over your mouth
hey! 
you’re supposed to be supportive of rory’s role in therapy!
he has a very important job
one might say that his job of providing emotional support is far more important that yours, you measly little receptionist
you make appointments all day but rory saves lives 
“well, i’m… glad that rory is helping you during these trying times.” you clear your throat as you straighten up in your seat
if you get caught making fun of rory you’re dead meat
“mhm.” yoongi nods before leaning over a little, “now gimme a kiss, babe.”
your heart skips a beat in your chest and you can’t help but grin when yoongi turns his head and points to his cheek, “well?”
“milk chocolate caramel this week, babe.” you hum as you place the little gumball machine in front of him
“ooh, yummy-“ yoongi’s eyes widen in excitement as he cranks the metal knob, “so, you got any plans tonight?”
a single kiss plops out and he opens up the little metal flap to take it out
“eh, i mean i guess i do?” you shift in your seat before shrugging, “sort of.”
yoongi raises a brow as he unwraps the tin foil, “what’s that supposed to mean? you got a hot date or something?”
“...yep!”
wait what
yoongi pauses right as he’s about to pop the chocolate into his mouth
because he was… just kidding about that
that was supposed to be a joke
“oh!” yoongi clears his throat, “well, who- who are you… who are you going out with? tell me about them.”
“oh, you don’t wanna-” you shake your head, “the details are boring, i promise it’s nothing to geek out over-”
“no, c’mon! tell me.” yoongi shoves the wrapping into his mouth as the chocolate melts over his tongue, “give me the deets.”
“alright, well…” you reach up to push your glasses up, “i actually met him at the club that he works at! he’s a bartender. we’ve gone out on a couple of dates and he’s really nice! he’s super nice, i just- i don’t know. i guess i just- there’s not much of a spark, you know? he’s taken me out four times and he kissed me on the last one and it was nice but… i don’t know. i’m not sure i even know where i’m going with this story- b-but he’s nice!”
yoongi nods slowly as he pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek
ah
well
good for you!
whatever
you’re going on a date and it’s whatever
it’s not like he cares
because if he cared it would imply that he has feelings for you
and in case it wasn’t already clear, yoongi is incapable of having any feelings at all because that’s just who he is
he’s spent years building his status as an emotionless android and he’s not going to let a stinky girl like you ruin it (you are not stinky. you smell like pears and it’s very pleasing to his nostrils. and he hates that he spent thirty minutes at the drugstore sniffing multiple shampoos until he found the one that he’s pretty sure is the one you use. and now his pillows smell like you.) 
“nice, nice…” yoongi mutters under his breath, “anyways, i should, um, probably go! i’m like, two minutes away from getting a parking ticket-” he laughs nervously before reaching up to scratch the back of his head
“oh! okay, yeah-” you take the gumball machine down and set it back down next to your monitor, “are you- is everything okay?”
yoongi’s no longer looking at you and you’re usually the first one to break eye contact so this is… odd  
“yeah, i just- i remembered i had a thing, so-” yoongi coughs into his fist, “yeah, i gotta go.”
“should i- should i put you down for next week, or-” you get up from your seat quickly when yoongi basically sprints towards the elevators
“yeah!” he flicks his wrist at you, “um, yeah- go for it. i’m just gonna-”
ding!
the elevator doors slide open and yoongi rushes in at the speed of light
“s-same time, or-”
the door glide shut before you get a chance to finish asking your question and you can’t help but feel a little… rejected?
even though you’re not entirely sure what it is you’re being rejected by
that was weird
that was weird, right?
it’s not just your imagination?
you frown to yourself as you plop back down on your squeaky chair
maybe your chocolates tasted funky or something?
you unwrap one for yourself before popping it into your mouth
no, the chocolates are fine!
what went wrong?
you chew on the inside of your cheek anxiously as you quickly go through what just happened
everything was fine
everything was normal up until the point you said you were going out on a date…
oOh, maybe you shouldn’t have brought up dates or anything like that
you don’t know too much about yoongi’s sessions besides the fact that he has intimacy issues but maybe the subject of dating was triggering for him?
damnit
you idiot!
this is why you could never be a therapist because you’d probably end up traumatizing your patients instead of helping them 
you should’ve just told yoongi that your plans tonight involved NO dating and it was just going to be you going to town on a pizza at home
it’s too bad
you were kind of hoping the reason why he started acting so weirdly was because he didn’t want you to go out on a date
here’s the thing: 
you… you sort of… have a little crush on yoongi. at least, you think you do.
you can’t help it!
he’s surprisingly very sweet and he has that boyish charm that you’re really into anD he’s also super goofy AND hello!!!! even when you’re not wearing your glasses you can see that he’s really attractive!!!
sometimes you find yourself daydreaming about that smirk of his 
it just makes you feel tingly 
...
what were you talking about again?
oh
right! 
you’re pretty sure the two of you use the same shampoo and you don’t want to be that person but... 
match made in heaven? 
you’d like to think so. 
you just don’t want to ruin this super fun and bantery and also kind of flirty relationship you have with him (though, now that you’re thinking about it, you can’t help but wonder if it’s actual flirting or if yoongi’s just doing his thing) and you knoW he’s definitely going to freak out if you’re suddenly like hey,.,. do u,.,. maybe wanna go out on a date or something.,,. because i think i have a teeny crush on you because even though you’re dead on the inside you are OBSCENELY charming and witty and attractive and everything i want in a significant other,.,.
yoongi would run for the hills if he ever found out you felt that way about him!
“good going, y/n.” you grumble to yourself as you lean back against your chair
well
you can worry about your yoongi-related issues later
you have a date with a cute bartender to get to
a cute, very nice bartender
                                                                 ♡
yoongi’s jealous.
at least, he thinks he’s jealous
this is weird, right?
because yoongi doesn’t get jealous!
he doesn’t get jealous over anything so whY does he not like the idea of you going out with someone who isn’t him?
yoongi squeezes his fingers tighter around his steering wheel as he stares ahead with knitted brows
he left the office like half an hour ago and now he’s just been sitting in his car in silence
and before you ask, yes, there was a parking ticket tucked behind his windshield wiper when he came down here
“jealous, jealous…” yoongi mutters to himself before shaking his head and letting out a huff, “no. i’m not jealous. i’m not!”
he’s not jealous because he doesn’t like you!
he doesn’t!
he likes flirting with you, it doesn’t mean that he likes you
of course, if he didn’t like you… he wouldn’t be grinning like an idiot every time you greet him
if he didn’t like you, he would’ve called you out on your lame ‘you want a kiss?’ joke a long, lonG time ago - instead he just lets you keep saying it because he knows you like making the same joke over and over again
if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t be coming back to therapy every week, for crying out loud
if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have bought pear-scented shampoo for himself
he should be buying manly shampoos!
like… winter breeze!
or… musky oak??
or diRTy monster truck??!? (he’s not sure if that’s an actual shampoo scent for men, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was)
you know, those kinds of scents!
not frickin pear
yoongi pauses when he realises that he actually doesn’t mind the thought of waking up next to you
he feels his heart skip a beat and he gasps in surprise before quickly slapping his hand up against his chest
oh god
it’s happening!
“…son of a bitch!” yoongi groans as he slams his head back against the headrest, “are you kidding me?!”
he’s feeling!
NO!!!!
that, or he’s having a heart attack
(he’d rather have the heart attack.)
yoongi turns his head right as you exit the building and he doesn’t know where these emotions are coming from but all of a sudden he’s being flooded with what can only be describe as…
pure, blinding rage
“what the hell did you put in those damn chocolates?!” yoongi slams the car door behind him and you practically leap ten feet into the air
“i have no money in my wallet i only have a starbucks gift card and it has like three dollars left on- oh.” you immediately relax when you realize that you’re not about to be robbed
it’s just yoongi 
your eyes widen in slight fear when you see him storm his way over to you with his fists clenched at his sides looking like he wants to skin you alive
“you are unbelievable.”
“me??” you shake your head in confusion, “yoongi, what are you-” you pause to glance down at your watch, “why are you still here? you left, like, forty minutes ago-”
“answer the question, y/n!“ yoongi crosses his arms, “you did something to those chocolates! that’s the only reason why i’m feeling like this-”
“what- i don’t- is it your stomach or something?? maybe you’re lactose intolerant-”
“nO, i don’t mean i physically feel something-“ yoongi looks around before leaning in, “i’m feeling something.”
you frown
“yoongi, the chocolates aren’t special chocolates, if that’s what you’re implying. there are kids that come to the office, i can’t go around giving out marijuana infused hershey kisses-”
“i don’t want you to go out with your nice bartender guy!” yoongi blurts out, “because i… i want you to go out with me instead.”
you pull back in surprise before tilting your head curiously
…what?
“what do you- what are- what?” you ask incredulously before narrowing your eyes at him
did he just... ask you out?
yoongi swallows nervously
his pure rage has now been replaced by pure anxiety
“i’m saying that i-” yoongi shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, “i’m- i wanna be the one to take you out. o-on a date. or whatever they’re called.”
“you wanna take me out on a date?” you ask dumbly and yoongi rolls his eyes
“a.. i mean i guess it’s technically a da..ate...” yoongi’s mouth goes dry and you can see the panic quickly filling his pretty brown eyes 
“we don’t- we don’t have to call it a date!” you perk up, “we can just... we can call it a... flirty hangout!” 
“a flirty hangout?”
“a flangout.”
“a flangout.”
yoongi takes a second to think it over
a flangout
yeah!
he can do a flangout because a flangout is noT a date 
“i’m sorry, i just-” you wave a hand in front of yourself, “i thought your whole schtick was that you didn’t believe in dates- flangouts- and ooey-gooey holding hands related situations, so why would you wanna-”
“because i like you!” yoongi groans before looking away from you and running a hand through his hair, “i think? i don’t know, okay? i know that i’m definitely attracted to- i just- you make me- i like talking to you after my sessions are over, and i like that you keep a gumball machine on your desk even though it still doesn’t make sense to me that you’ve filled it with kisses and not with actual gumballs, and i like that even though you know i, professionally speaking, have very intense intimacy issues, i-i like that you don’t judge me for it...” he trails off before letting out a breath and turning back to face you, “you can say no, obviously, but… i just think you’re really pretty and i think you know exactly what you’re doing whenever you ask me if i want a kiss.”  
you blink owlishly at yoongi and he immediately feels like he’s about to projectile vomit everywhere
see??
this is exactly what he means when he says that feelings make literally everything ten times more complicated
he just told you that he likes you and now he just made things awkward!
which means noW he has to go find a new therapist-
wait, no
nope! he’s not going to find another therapist - he’s just going to noT go to therapy
why?
because min frickin’ yoongi doesn’t need therapy-
“i do.” yoongi looks at you with wide eyes when you suddenly speak up
you do
did… did he PROPOSE to you?!
great!!
of course he did!!
his feelings are back and they’re even worse than before-
“i do know exactly what i’m doing whenever i ask you if you wanna kiss-“ you hold up a finger to correct yourself, “if you want a kiss.”
“i’m happy with either one of those options-“
“there is one minor issue, though.” you turn your phone around to show yoongi, “what am i supposed to tell sweet tae?”
“who the hell is tae- ohhhh, bartender guy.” yoongi winces as he glances at your texts briefly, “i forgot about him.”
“nice bartender guy!!” you push your bottom lip out in a pout as you scroll through your texts with taehyung
:-(
his last message to you was ‘excited for tonight!! see you soon :-)’
:-(((((((
“do you… do you genuinely like him?” yoongi asks cautiously
“i mean, i- i don’t noT like him, you know?” you sigh and reach up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, “it’s just that… he’s so nice-”
“okay, i think we’ve got that part covered-”
“i don’t wanna break his heart!!” you whine, “what do i do?!”
“alright, here’s what you’re going to do-” yoongi clears his throat, “you go out with him tonight-”
“but i don’t want to lead him o-” 
“you go out with nice bartender tae tonight to tell him that it’s over. and you tell him that you’ve really enjoying spending time with him, but you feel like the two of you would be better off as friends. it’s simple, it’s clean, it’s straight to the point! no harm, no foul.” yoongi dusts his hands off before smiling proudly, “and then i’ll take you to the mcdonalds drive-thru for dessert.”
“i mean, i guess so…” you purse your lips in thought, “should i, like… if he kisses me or something, should i kiss him back?”
“you’re going to pity-kiss him?” yoongi gasps dramatically before tutting at you, “wow. and i’m the one in therapy.”
“wha-”
“now, c’mon-” yoongi places his hand on the small of your back as he leads you towards his car, “let me drive you to your gross date so that we can go on our cool flangout afterwards-”
“you know, they’re doing a limited edition chips ahoy mcflurry right now-“ you grin excitedly as yoongi opens the door for you, “you wanna split one with me?”
“split one?” yoongi scoffs and bends down a little so he can look you directly in the eye, the corner of his mouth curling upwards in a teasing smirk, “baby, i’ll get you your very own mcflurry-”
(it turns out that taehyung actually planned to end things tonight, too - he said if you ever made your way back to his bar he’d give you a cocktail on the house! so, it looks like you can have your cake and eat it too.) 
help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)
requested drabbles masterlist
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Therapy 28.02.22 // part two // leaving the party
When we’d planned out all the sessions for the rest of therapy until we finish, T asked me how it felt to have done that.
I said “It feels good to have it all written down like that. To be honest, that’s what I thought we’d agreed to before - I know now we actually hadn’t but that’s what I thought. And that’s why when you started talking about going to every three weeks, I got so mad, because it felt like you were randomly changing things all of a sudden.”
T said that we hadn’t agreed to that, and I tried to explain to her again how I’d got to that point of thinking we had - that when she said she was retiring it felt like it changed the context of the ending, and although we’d talked about decreasing session frequency, we’d never set anything firm in place. Then we’d talked about going to every two weeks, and the start date for doing that, and the date of her retirement, and I just filled in the blanks in between myself.
T asked if I understood why we were doing it like this?
I said “well I understand what you say about this is how it has to be done, and I accept this is how we’re doing it, but I don’t really *feel* it. I don’t get it.” That reminded me of the anon message I’d had on here about therapists and clients can have different ending styles and comparing it to how you left a party. So I shared that with T, and I think she thought it was interesting and saw the point that it was making. Then she asked me why I’d shared that, but I had totally forgotten what we’d been talking about that prompted me to share it so I couldn’t really answer her question.
Then she said super-casually “Well - we could consider meeting every week until the summer holidays and then just stopping.”
I was a bit speechless. We’ve just spent the whole of last weeks session arguing about how there was no option beyond this decreasing frequency of sessions, and even when I said I didn’t want to do that and talked about quitting, she said there was no other option. And now she just casually drops into conversation this alternative??
I looked at her and said a bit disbelievingly, “That’s not really very helpful!” Understatement of the year.
She shrugged and said “Well maybe your talk about leaving the party has made me think about it differently.”
Oh. My. God. I can’t believe we’re even going there after the whole session last week was me saying I wanted that and her saying no way, but now all of a sudden it’s like oh no big deal we could do that.
I got a bit upset and my voice cracked with emotion as I said “T! I feel like you’re just bashing me around from side to side now” It’s like she hammered me from one option to the other and then suddenly went ah actually we can go back to the first option if you want. She was just responding in the moment, and I guess she didn’t really think through what she was saying. Or maybe she thought there’s no way I would want to stop for good at the summer. I’m pretty sure that I would still choose to continue fortnightly till her retirement rather than weekly and stop early, but when she threw that option in it messed up all my thinking again.
I can’t remember which of us said it now, but basically we stepped back and concluded that we’d agreed what we’d agreed and that had been difficult enough to work out, so let’s just leave it as it is. Damage limitation in some ways. This is so hard.
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