thursday, august 10
day 4: last minute confession (@benthan-week-forever)
Benji sat in front of his laptop, tears streaming down his face.
He had just heard Ethan confess his love for him over the coms - and then the line went dead. Dead. Like Ethan, he thought.
The blonde was beside himself with grief.
He tried and tried and tried to get a hold of the other one, but there was no response. Benji was consumed with worry and fear, not knowing what had happened to the man he loved.
As he sat there, lost in his thoughts, memories of Ethan flooded his mind. He remembered the way the brunette looked at him, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. He realized how much he loved Ethan, and how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.
Benji sat there for what felt like hours, waiting for any news about his partner..
Finally, the coms line crackled to life, and Ethan's voice came through.
"Benji, are you there?" he said, his voice rough.
Benji was overjoyed to hear his voice, bursting into tears once again.
"Ethan, I thought you were dead," he said, his voice choked with emotion.
"I'm okay, Benji," Ethan replied, "I made it out alive, thanks to you."
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Comte Drama CD Translations, Track Seven: "To You Who Are So Lovely" - Ending
I'm not a professional yada yada yada, these are just my rough transcriptions of each track in the CD because I need fodder for my simping.
This one reads a bit like a love letter left for MC, it's another sweet one:
…Indeed, the sand in the hourglass has fallen. It appears my day with you is over. (I'M DISTRAUGHT TOO DW BEAUTIFUL)
In this way, every moment trickles into another ceaselessly…yes, forever.
Even now as I say it, the word “forever” drives a painful wedge in my heart.
I often wonder at the essence, the weight that word carries--so often spoken with admiration and yearning by humankind.
I think this is the first time in my life I ever went "philosopher (affectionate)" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I could listen to him all day [contented sigh]
I know very well…just how heartbreaking it is.
I was shaken by that never-ending, pathless darkness…until you gave me the hope of “now.”
A vampire who lives forever, and a woman who lives a finite life, hoping for a better tomorrow.
I’m not sure what will become of my love for you that sprouted at the boundary between “forever” and “now.”
…But I promise you this.
I will never let you go.
When I give you eternal love…
Let’s spend that time together.
Man the way I act up when I hear fictional man say "I will never let you go" [INSERT LOUD BARKING] it's a promise, Abel 🥺💜
It may turn out to be a bumpy road…but, don’t worry. We’ll take every step of the way hand-in-hand.
When I get lost…you’re so kind and strong
It makes me sure that if we do ever get lost, we’ll worry about it together, and find answers together.
Like a waltz, let’s take each other’s hands…and live together.
Okay all my usual court jester energy aside, I really am so fond of this motif throughout his stories. This idea that being in a relationship is about being there for each other, about promising the other will never be alone. I guess they really just embody what marriage is at its best, for me? Like not necessarily that there's only one way to be married, but that it should be about helping each other and caring about each other? Building a life and sharing that happiness, an enduring love that grows the more two people are together.
Holding hands and dancing, I'm so...
And one day, I’m sure I will…
…I’m sure that I’ll turn you into a vampire. At that time, let’s live together forever.
From the moment I met you that day, in Paris of the 21st century…it felt like the frozen hands on the clock of my life began to move.
I was determined that I would never fall in love with a human again.
I was moved by your pure and single-minded thoughts, and I wanted your love.
A year later, ten years later, one hundred years of accumulating this “now” I’ve received from you…
In the far distant future, I want to see you beside me.
I found you in eternity…I love you, and I will dedicate my pureblood life to your fate--
If y'all need me I will be wasting away, ty--
"In the far distant future, I want to see you beside me." I WANT THAT TOO, GORGEOUS
Man the way my brain is just so: the only kind of man I want is one that can go "I wanted your love 🥺👉👈" and "I wanted her blood to run down my mouth." AT THE SAME TIME
It's about the multi-faceted yearning 🤌🏼
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MEDIC! Part 15 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)
It's all I can see and I'm crying! A song for them.
Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, no hate to anyone involved.
Again I am so sorry.
Tag list: @next-autopsy
I am floating outside of my body. I help the men with their injuries like I am on autopilot. People talk to me but I don’t hear them, I don’t even try to pretend I am listening. I walk, I help, I sit.
I stare out into the town of Foy, the image of Skip and Penkala’s last moments replaying in my head like I am living in a nightmare. Like a sick magic trick, you see them and then you don’t. I stand and watch as the men scour their hole trying to find remnants of them. I physically hurt watching them. I watch Lip hand Malarkey, one of the boys' rosaries. We haven’t spoken, I think we have both shut down. I can’t be near him, it hurts too much all I can think about is them when I see him. I’m sure he feels the same way. Tears well in my eyes watching Lip and Malarkey by their foxhole, I turn away so no one sees them fall. I have adopted the stare that I have seen countless times before. I know why they do it now too, it feels good not to be present, to not have to come to terms with what you have seen. The weight of reality hasn’t yet crushed down on me. After losing Toye and Bill, then Buck and now Skip and Penkala. I loved those boys like my brothers. I walk away from the line. Away, I need to be away from here. I bump into someone as I hurry along, not looking to see who it is I carry on with my escape. Their grip holds me in place. I look up. Bull’s face appears in my vision. “You alright Darling?” Bull asks me in a kind voice.
“I’m fine.” I say firmly, pulling from his grip. He lets me go. I side step him, but he moves in front of me.
“What did you see?” He asks, not letting me pass. I look at him angry, I don’t want to have to say what I saw out loud, that would make it real.
“I didn’t see anything.” I snap.
“Don’t lie to me.” He says in a firm voice.
“I’m not lying!” I answer with frustration laced in my tone.
“I know you, Em! Don’t lie to me.” Bull says again.
“What?” I yell, “What do you want me to say that I saw it happen?” Throwing my arms out.
“I saw those men that I care for die right in front of me.” My voice is loud as it echoes through the trees.
“That I was so close to getting into their hole. You know they were calling for me.” My voice wobbles as I yell.
“I SAW THEM!” tears threatening to escape my eyes. “I saw them die!” Bull steps forward to hug me but I push him away. “NO! I don’t want this.”
“Why wasn’t it me? Why was it them?” I sob still yelling, other people have gathered around wondering why I am shouting.
“Why wasn’t I in that hole? I don’t belong here! They were good people and I had to watch them die!” I scream and sob at the same time.
“It won’t stop!” I cry harder, closing my eyes. I cover my face, willing the memory to escape my mind. I crack and it crushes me. My body shakes from my sobs as Bull pins me to his chest. He shushes me and he strokes my hair. I wrangle out of his grasp, he looks at me with pain etched onto his face. Then I run, no one stops me, no one yells my name. They watch me run.
After trampling through the woods for a while a stick catches on my foot tripping me sending me to the ground. I lie there and sob. Curling up into a ball and wishing to die. To not feel. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my body. My bones ache from missing them. They had families, lives, people to go back too, people waiting for them. I don't have anyone, I am nobody here. There is no Emily Lane that exists, the only place I am known is here. I can’t be sent home, I don’t have a home here. I sit up wiping my face. I can’t be sent home, so I won’t. I will act, I will do anything to get through this. My purpose, my family, is here. I will play myself well, I will not break. I can’t let this break me. The thought of being separated from these men scares me more than death. I would rather die than leave them. I stand my legs shaking from the cold. I slowly make my way back to camp, arriving by dusk. The men look shocked when I sit myself down beside them.
“Em? You’re ok?” Lieb asks me from across the foxhole we sit in. I slide my mask into place, giving my best smile.
“I’m fine, I just needed a minute.” I reply, my voice hoarse from crying.
“A minute? Emily you were gone for hours, we sent search parties out for you.” He says anxiously.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I guess I lost track of time.” I apologise. The men are quiet not knowing what to say. Uncomfortable in the silence I stand, the men watch my every move. I go over to where they are serving dinner to grab some hot food. Bull sees me and comes over.
“Darlin’ you ok?” He asks as his cigar hangs from his lips.
“Yeah I’m fine. Hey I’m sorry for earlier, I was just a bit overwhelmed.” My lips tighten upward.
“A bit?” Bull doesn’t seem convinced.
“Ok, a lot. But I’m fine now. I had some time to think and I’m back, better than ever, even.” I lie.
“Emily you can go home, if this is all too much.” Bull says empathetically.
“No!” I say quickly, “No I don’t want to go home.”
“Em…”
“No Bull I’m fine, I can handle it. It was just a moment of weakness. I want to be here.” I protest.
“You have to take care of yourself.” Bull says as his brows furrow together.
“No, I want to see this through. I need to be here. Please Bull! I will take care of myself, I swear but I can do that here!” I plead with Bull, he shakes his head thinking.
“I don’t know Em?” I need to persuade him.
“What do I have to do, to show you I’m fine?” I hold eye contact with him. He sighs.
“Darlin’ I want you here, I do. I guess if you're set on not leaving, I can’t make you.” I smile, patting him on the arm. I move past to get myself some food.
I sit in a foxhole by myself. I stare off at nothing. I dissociate from my surroundings. The only thing I can feel is the chill in my bones. It helps stop the aching everywhere else. I can barely eat. My stomach churns constantly. The insides of my cheeks are torn to shreds. I find myself crying without even noticing. The tears grow cold on my cheeks from the biting wind. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I want to scream and shout but I can’t, that would send me back. I have to keep up the facade. Sure I am allowed to be sad but I can’t let it consume me, which it desperately wants to do. I’m sure it will be fine, pushing it all to the back, pretending it’s not there. Never hurt me before. I get out of my hole, wandering around finding people to talk to. To show I’m fine. The conversations are superficial, pleasantries. My tolerance is shorter than normal, the conversation gets overwhelming after a while. I make excuses to leave. I am more blunt, less playful. The men notice, but don’t say anything. I try my best to be myself, but it’s tiring.
The Battle of Foy happened not long after. I watched in dread as Dike fucked the whole operation. I watched through my hands as he stopped the men in the middle of the operation calling for them to fall back. When he got direct orders from Winters that the only thing they had to do was move forward. Winters almost ran out into action himself before Colonel Sink had ordered him back. The situation was finally controlled when Winters commanded Speir to take over the attack. He had done just that, it was actually impressive watching the man. He sprinted through the middle of town right past the German soldiers, who were so baffled by his brassiness, they didn’t even shoot him. He got the job done. Unfortunately there were still casualties, among those was CO Norman Dike, who had died. It was good to have a distraction, I busied myself in the help. Cleaning up wounds, suturing, and dressing. That’s all that I was thinking about, nothing else. We had finally taken Foy, I was relieved.
The grief still hung heavy over me, but by now I wasn’t sad, I had moved on from that stage. I was angry. Every time I thought of Skip and Alex my blood boiled. My mind swirled. Those men did not deserve to die. How dare their lives be taken so soon. The men noticed quickly. I would snap, my temper short. I didn’t have time for jokes or banter. I would sit and fester in hatred. I was tense and on edge. The men of easy company pulled back from me. Too scared I would lash out with nasty words, “Better to leave her alone with her thoughts than go talk to her.” I heard Bull tell Frank. They avoided me more than they avoided the replacements. I didn’t blame them, hell I was happy to be left alone, consumed in my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep half the time either, my dreams now nightmares haunted me. I would be stuck in a loop of lying in the snow in front of their foxhole. I would scream at them to run, to get out, but they didn’t listen, staying put in their shelter. I would have to watch them die, over and over. It made me sick. I would wake up in a cold sweat, panting. After a while I stopped sleeping. It was more tiring to try and sleep than it was to stay awake. But being alone with my thoughts 24/7 was slowly driving me to the point of madness. The bags under my eyes were black, it looked like I had broken my nose. I was being clumsy, dropping things, making stupid mistakes which just made me angrier. It was getting out of hand, but I didn’t know what to do. I was not going to ask for help, that would be cause enough to send me packing. But at this stage I couldn’t help myself, it was a vicious cycle.
I trudge behind the platoon as we move from Foy to the town of Noville. I was told to hang back in case we came across the enemy. I walk silently by myself, once again in my head thinking far too much to do me any good. The distance is obvious now between the men and I. None of them come to talk to me, scared I will growl at them. A resting bitch face is now my permanent feature. My rage quietly boiling in my blood. I have a hold on her now but I’m scared that she will come free from my grasp and rear her ugly head. My bottom lip is raw from my teeth finding satisfaction in feeling the sting and the metal taste in my mouth. The sound of gunfire pierces the air sending men scattering to find cover, some don’t make it falling to ground unmoving. I move quickly hurrying behind one of the small houses to the side of the road. I crouch behind the wall listening to the screams of the men and the constant cracking of the guns. I place my hand on the pistol on my hip, my eyes scanning the area. They fall upon a dead German soldier, his semi-automatic lying across his body. I flick my eyes back to where the assault takes place listening for any sounds of movement. I hear running footsteps coming towards me from the side of the house, my hand gripping my weapon. One of our own soldiers rounds the corner, my hand relaxes, as an ease returns to my chest. The man smiles at me knowing we are on the same side, he opens his mouth to talk. Before he can speak a crack sounds as the bullet travels through the man's helmet into his head and out the other side. His blood splattering over my face and chest as he drops to the ground. I close my eyes drawing in a shaky breath, opening them to find his staring back at me unblinking. My eyes dart back over to the German soldier lying on the ground. She’s got herself loose.
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