#i reallly did wake up today thinking

[ivystoryweaver]

With You part 6

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Summary: Will you always have to wake up in the middle of the night just to get to know Jake? Marc and Steven notice your yearning to see Jake again.

Pairings: Marc Spector x reader, Steven Grant x reader, Jake Lockley x reader. Gender neutral reader. No use of Y/N. Reader is engaged to Marc and Steven.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings/notables: Fluff, complicated relationship stuff, cursing, angst, sex but the language is not overly explicit and nothing gender-specific. Let me know if I missed a warning. inaccurate DID, based on the show. Not beta'd we die like arthur harrow in the back of jake's car

Dividers by saradika

PREVIOUSLY, on "With You"...

Wondering what he would ever do without you, Marc pulled you close, gently swaying with you in the silence of your flat. He had always felt so hard to love - his childhood had made sure of that. But you loved him hard.

One of the delicious advantages of being with Marc was that he liked to bury his angst, longing and inadequacies inside your body. Perhaps fucking through his feelings wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but it was better than drinking, and cheaper than therapy.

That's not to say Marc didn't see a therapist - he did, pretty regularly. But being inside you felt so much better than unearthing the shit from his childhood.

That's where you found yourself now, face down on the mattress, Marc's strong chest pressed to your back. Your sweat-soaked bodies writhed in tormented bliss as he thrust in and out of you - hard and almost frustratingly slow.

His thick fingers pushed their way through yours, intertwining, pressing your hands high above your head as he twisted his body deeper into yours.

You were helpless beneath him. And you loved it.

Marc was able to control so few things about his existence. The use of your body was one thing you happily and trustingly put completely in his control.

You and Marc did make soup together for dinner, but no matzah balls were harmed in the making of the soup. It was hearty enough for Marc, but also vegan for Steven. You made a mental note ask Jake what kind of food he liked.

"I don't think Jake's a vegan," Marc spoke up, reading your mind. "I think he's the reason my sandwiches are gone half the fuckin' time."

Marc and his sandwiches. He had sworn up and down, on more than one occasion, that either you or Steven had eaten his damn roast beef sandwiches. You always denied it, preferring turkey to beef. And Steven always fired back with, "Y'know I don't eat that shite, mate."

"Oh my god, I think you just solved a mystery," you marveled. The Mystery of the Roast Beef Sandwich and its thief.

Yeah, Marc wondered what else Jake was prone to stealing. Clothes? Money? You?

Then again, Marc couldn't really say anything about money at the moment. He didn't have a job, unless he counted the occasional times he fronted during Steven's university library shift. You were the breadwinner, at least for the time being, lovingly supporting Steven in getting a degree to actually match up to his intellect.

But sharing you? Was it even sharing if it was the same body? And was it even his business if you wanted to be with Jake? He had no fucking clue. All he knew was that you were about to be his spouse. Steven's too, really. But you barely knew Jake. How could you marry someone you didn't know?

"I can hear you thinking," you teased, slathering some fresh-baked bread with butter. "Wanna talk about it? Cause I don't think I can go anymore rounds today - between you and Steven." Meaning Marc wouldn't be able to bury his worries inside you until your body got a damn break.

"Do you mean between me and Steven and Jake?" Marc pointedly asked.

You dropped the butter knife. "W-what?" You squawked. "I haven't slept with Jake."

"But...you want to." Easing beside you, Marc leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Do you?"

You reallly should have spouted off a quick 'no'. But you hesitated.

"Shit," he groaned. "I shoulda known."

"I didn't say anything!" You protested, a little too innocently.

"Exactly," Marc huffed. "You didn't deny it."

"You kind of put me on the spot," you defended, retrieving the knife and returning to your task, furiously coating a slice of bread with five times too much butter. "Besides, Jake drives me crazy. If he climbs in the damn window again, I think I might shove him right back out."

"Ah, hell, it's worse than I thought," Marc grumbled, folding his toned arms over his chest in a distinct, defiant pout.

"How is it worse?" You scoffed. "And...what is worse?"

"You... him... shit," he sighed. "He got to you."

"He didn't," you protested. "Nothing happened. N-not really..." your voice trailed off as Marc's eyes flashed with possessiveness.

"Not really? I thought you said he didn't touch you. What the hell..." He paused, glancing at his reflection in the microwave.

"Is that Steven?" You interrupted, barging in to what you usually respected as private conversation between the boys. "What is he saying?"

Fixing his eyes back on you, Marc smirked triumphantly. "He's saying you look 'a bit flustered,' which would make sense, since you wore those black satin pj's and set your alarm just to see 'that mysterious bloke'."

"Steven, you are such a traitor!" You whined. "You guys are ganging up on me! I just wanted to talk to him."

"Mm-hmm," Marc hummed, caging you in against the counter with one arm on either side of your body. "So that's all you did - talk? In black satin? In the middle of the night?"

Narrowing your eyes, you called his bluff. "You guys are really obsessed with those pj's. Maybe you would have preferred I only wore your t-shirt? Or, I could have slept the way I sleep with you half the time - in nothing."

"Sure, mm-hmm," Marc playfully nodded down at you, mockingly agreeing with every word out of your mouth.

"Besides," you added, giving his chest a playful shove, "who knows how many times Jake has come home and found me like that - then slept beside me anyway?"

Marc went dead silent.

"I'm gonna kill him," he decided, waiting just a beat before scooping you up and throwing you over his shoulder, spinning you around the kitchen playfully. "First him..." you squealed as he tickled your side, feeling a mixture of giddiness and dizziness as he manhandled you, "then you. And then him again."

"Marc, put me down, put me down!" you giggled delightedly, banging your fists on his back.

After a few more twirls, and howls of laughter from you, he conceded, steadying you back against the counter. The two of you were smiling, breathless... his strong arms caged you in again as he wet his lips with his tongue.

Ducking down, he pressed his body into yours, breathing hotly against your open mouth.

"Promise me something..." he murmured, sucking on your bottom lip and swiping his tongue inside your mouth. He pulled back just a little, teasing you.

"What?" you impatiently demanded, chasing after his lips.

Sliding one hand around the back of your neck, he crushed his lips to yours, giving you what you really wanted. Gripping your jaw, he slid his tongue over yours, licking hotly as you groaned in satisfaction. You could never get tired of kissing this man.

"Promise me," he finally whispered, kissing the corner of your mouth, nuzzling your cheek with his nose. "Promise you'll tell me if something does happen - with Jake, I mean."

Easing back, he stared down into your eyes - his own warm, brown gaze pleading. "I know you don't have to. It-it's not my business, really, but..."

Sighing reluctantly, he poured his heart out to you. He knew he was safe with you - safe to show you what he really felt inside. "It's not like Steven," he admitted. "I don't know Jake. I just...I don't want anything to happen to you."

Nodding quickly, you reached up to caress his face. "Marc, of course. You're going to be my husband - of course I would tell you that."

"Really?" His eyes sparkled with relief and love.

"Yes, really," you sweetly whispered. "And I know there's no part of you that could ever hurt me."

After all that fuss with Steven and Marc, and the damn black satin pajamas, you actually thought you might see Jake again soon - particularly since he had finally introduced himself to his alters.

You thought wrong.

Jake went back to being Jake, not interacting with you or Marc or Steven, and the three of you were none the wiser about how he spent his time.

You couldn't wreck your entire sleep schedule just to look for him every night. He clearly had no intention of interacting with you during waking hours. You tried very hard not to take it personally. After all, you barely knew one another. But Steven and Marc could tell you thought of him...worried after him.

"I think you should wait up for him one night, love," Steven suggested one evening as you sat cuddled on the couch, reading together. London was being London again. The heavens had opened, dumping cold, wet rain for hours, and creating the perfect, candlelit night in for you and Steven.

Glancing over at your fiancé, so adorable in his oversized jumper, your eyebrows knit together questioningly. "You mean, set my alarm? 'Ambush' him again?"

Reaching up to pull his reading glasses off his nose, Steven shrugged. "Don't think it's much of an ambush, really. Just lovely you wanting to talk, is all. No harm in that."

Smiling warmly, you reached for his hand. "I don't think he sees me quite the way you do, my love."

"Not very bright then, is he? Running 'round at all hours for the old bird, missing the chance to come home to a wonder like you."

"Steven," you gasped, grinning at him. "Talking like that is going to bring an end to our night of reading very quickly."

"Fine by me, darling," he chuckled, tossing his book aside without even bothering to mark the page - something Steven never did. "Because I'm not the dimwitted bloke ignoring what's right in front of me." Scooting closer, he pulled you into his arms. "His loss is my gain, I'd say. Have you all the more to m'self."

So it was decided.

You would wait up for Jake (or wake up -whichever) to see if he wanted to interact with you, and ask how he was doing. It was possible, and in your mind, likely, that he didn't want to be a part of your life. But you wanted to hear it from his own mouth, especially since he slept beside you - in your bed, in your home.

Despite your general apprehension, you decided to be your most normal self and sleep (or in this case, stay awake) in one of Marc's white undershirts - they were so soft and smelled so deliciously like him. Steven's fuzzy goldfish socks found their way to your freezing feet.

You took a long nap and drank a huge cup of coffee (made perfectly by Marc) before bed. You were determined to stay up and see how Jake typically began his nighttime routine. He always ninja'd around like some sort of Father Christmas - waiting til everyone was completely asleep before darting in and out of the flat.

It would be your luck that Jake probably wouldn't even front tonight, and your caffeinated body would stare at your sleeping fiancé for the next several hours.

At first, it was difficult to resist cuddling up with your sleepy Steven. He did manage to adorably whine that he needed you, but you quickly reminded him that this was his idea.

"Just miss you 's all," he murmured, drifting off to dreamland.

You got bored very quickly. Steven had recommended a podcast called, 'Welcome to Staying Awake.' Finding some headphones, you tried it out, following the directions it suggested - reading, solving a puzzle, and so forth.

You were just starting to doze in the comfy chair in the bedroom's corner when your fiancé stirred...only to roll over and fall back asleep.

"Ugh..." you huffed, pushing off your chair to head to the kitchen. After a quick splash of water to the face and a long drink of water, you stumbled back to your bedroom...

...where you saw Steven? pulling a pair of tailored black trousers up his legs - his cozy pj's nowhere in sight. Fastening his pants, he turned around - shirtless - nodding once to acknowledge you.

"Jake?" You tentatively greeted, breaking the late-night silence.

"Hola, mi amor," Jake's rich, deep voice greeted you smoothly - his chocolate eyes flickering down to your bare legs. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Jake," you exhaled shakily, easing toward him slowly. "You didn't wake me up. I was waiting for you."

Warmth bloomed in his chest, but he simply reached for his white dress shirt, quickly easing his arms into the sleeves and fastening the buttons.

"Where...do you keep your clothes?" you cautiously asked, inching closer.

Nodding to the closet, he remained quiet, knotting his tie and sitting down on the edge of the bed to pull on his socks and shoes. Khonshu had awakened him. Time to get to work.

"Where are you going?" you questioned after a few quiet moments watching him getting dressed.

Finishing the lacing of his shoes, he stood, reaching for his leather jacket. Realizing your question was not rhetorical, he granted you a slight smirk. "You know where."

"Can I come with you?" You blurted, already flustered. How did he manage to do this to you?

Narrowing his eyes, he shook his head, tutting a bit condescendingly. "You're not serious."

"I am," you insisted, scurrying over to the drawer to find some joggers for your bare legs. Of course, in this state, compared to Jake, you would be way underdressed. He looked head-to-toe incredible.

The faster you moved, trying to get dressed in enough presentable clothing to go out into the frigid rain, the slower Jake moved. But each action was nonchalant, as if he barely noticed your effort.

Why was he so damn infuriating? Then again, those were the exact words he'd said about you...

Pulling a leather glove over his long fingers, one dark eyebrow shot up inquisitively.

"Almost ready," you huffed, feeling like a child asking to go to work with a parent.

Realizing you were serious, Jake yanked on the second glove, giving his knuckles a crack. "Mi corazón..." he warned, pulling his flat cap over the lustrous curls on his head, and wondering what had gotten into you. You couldn't possibly think he would let you anywhere near his night life.

You were dressed now, in a weird mixture of your clothes and Marc's, but your goldfish-clad feet still poked adorably out of your joggers. Glancing all around the room, your eyes frantically searched for the nearest pair of shoes.

Approaching you confidently, Jake reached for your elbow, bringing you to a standstill. "I have to go. You should sleep."

Yanking your arm out of his grasp, you huffed. "I told you I don't respond well to orders."

Rubbing his gloved hand over the stubble on his chin, he nodded, "Goodnight," and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

"No, I'm coming with you, Jake, wait--"

"No, mi corazón. No." He whirled around, his gaze burning into yours.

"Why not?" you shot back, your hands landing on your hips. "You're going to work, right? I need to talk to you. And I want to see what you do."

He scoffed. "No. You don't."

"Stop telling me no," you snapped, realizing this whole stay-up-and-talk-to-Jake thing was already an unprecedented disaster. You simply could not keep your cool around this man.

"Ah, I see - I can't tell you what to do, but you can give me orders." Stalking back over to the night table, he reached for Marc and Steven's phone.

"I-I'm not giving you orders...I just- why can't I come with you?" You were desperate. You realized, at that moment, that alll this was not a good look on you. What happened to cool, calm and collected you? What happened to the you who respected the hell out of Marc and Steven's autonomy and choices?

You went so far as not even trying to dictate to Marc whether or not he should drink. It was his choice, always - it had to come from him. So why couldn't you do the same with Jake? You knew the drill - people were going to do what they decided to do. Arguing the point was only arguing with reality itself.

Sure, you could explain your fears or needs, and Jake could take that information into account. But ultimately, every person in the world always chose what they were going to choose - period, the end.

"I'm not taking you out there. You know it's not safe," he explained with infuriating calmness. "I'm not exactly working a normal job here."

"You mean...you mean Moon Knight. Like...saving people. Like you did with me that night."

His eyes flashed - you couldn't decipher if it was anger or surprise. "Marc told you."

"Yes," you answered softly, taking a moment to breathe in deeply. You had to calm down and stop sounding so desperate. "I just don't understand why you can follow me - why you can watch over me and save me, but you won't just talk to me." Your lip trembled as you started to realize he just may not ever want to be in your life.

"I thought you said that I was your family," you whispered, moving close to peer up into his eyes. "But you haven't talked to me in a week. I've been worried...I've been thinking about you."

Wetting his lips, Jake swallowed hard and shifted from one foot to the other - the first inkling that you were having any effect on him whatsoever. His dark eyes flickered down to yours. "I told you I can take care of myself," he gruffly responded, his resolve beginning to crack. "So stop worrying about me."

"Stop telling me what to do," you fired back, refusing to shrink away. "You're driving me crazy. If you don't want to talk to me, or know me - if you want to sneak in and out of here every night and never see me again, then just say so."

Your chest heaved with emotion. "I won't like it and I won't ever stop worrying about you, or wanting to know you, but --"

You didn't get to finish because Jake roughly pulled you into his arms and crushed his mouth to yours.

@stormydaysxx laaundromat @kindlover @spxctorsslxt @deezisnotreal

@rivalriotrenegade @wordacadabra this--is--music @i-still-dont-like-your-face 

idk if all the tags work. I tried!

#moon knight #steven grant #marc spector #jake lockley #marc spector x reader #steven grant x reader #jake lockley x reader #mcu #marc spector x gn!reader #steven grant x gn!reader #jake lockley x gn!reader #marc spector x you #steven grant x you #jake lockley x you #moon knight fic #moon knight fanfic #moon knight fanfiction #with you fic #oscar isaac fic #moon boys #moon knight system

[usergf]

📺.

ooooh i love daisies a lot theyre just so pretty<33 calm Sunday except for the fact that i coloured my hair for the first time that also by myself and its only visible in proper lighting i love being a brunette ❤ also had great food👍👍

i want to watch haiku (is that how u spell it i think theres a Y somewhere in there) and ive watched atla but thats all, what would u recommend!!

omg i do!! i have a cat she is everything 2 me even though she tries to kill me every other day ^_______^

it was reallly cold today ive been sneezing all day wbu

question: do u like summers or winters more this is a very important question amd has a correct answer also omg what's your puppy's name?

happy(?????????) monday(????)

hope u had a nice dayyyyyy

hello hello 📺 oh my god that's amazing !!! daises my beloved <3 agreed, they are so pretty. hahha yes it has a y 😂 i love haikyuu, it's one of my favourite sports anime 🏐 the charcter development, team building and all leaves me so emotional on the other hand in blue lock the players wanna murder eachother and get to the top BUT they are all adorable 🥰

aww whats her name ??? how old is she ?? my pup is 6 yo, her name is lucky <3

aw :( sending you some warm cuddles pal. its pretty hot, where i am right now. i went out to get some printing done and did grocery shopping with my dad

okay summer is the right answer. winter is the most depressing time for me, hands and feet get so cold, i can't even have ice cream without getting sick, and always have a have two layers of clothes on, when i wake up its so cold when i go to bed it's so cold. so many cons and very little pros for the winter. whereas during the summer, less clothes on ✔️ ice cream everyday ✔️ cold water ✔️ sun is bright ✔️ bed is not cold when i wake up or go to sleep ✔️ so many pros and very little cons !!! so there you have my answer, summer is my favourite <3

happy tuesday 🌸

#holiday pal #📺

[lemonpixycat]

i reallly can’t believe what an emotional wreck i am lately and that it just so HAPPENS to have to happen the week that my therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks so YAY. Dad update though: got to go see him today. he did get awfully winded just standing up and bending down so that I could wash his hair for him, and needed to have his oxygen after that so he’s obviously still struggling and needs to be in the hospital still. but he says he feels SO much better from saturday and he sounds a lot better too. they have him on antibiotics and i read that bacterial pneumonia, the antibiotics can take 5-7 days to really take affect [though this is in healthy people and he’s not exaclty ‘health’ but he does have really good luck when it comes to healing from things like this.] I’m still scared each night going to bed that when i wake up hes not gonna wake up in the morning when she goes to sleep, though i know that doesn’t make much sense. they’re monitoring him so. then i’m having so many emotions about my sis moving out in the nearish future. i’m so upset by it. i do everything with my sis and i’ve always lived with her. i was thinking about how every year for xmas, we watch muppets christmas carol and she’s not gonna be around anymore to do that and i literally started crying about it. im just facing so much emotion right now and it’s not easy to handle.

[fluffyangstymess]

I couldn’t have forgotten (Ushijima imagine)

Warnings: slight swearing, slight ushjima timeskip spoilers!

Pairing: Ushijima & fem! reader, mentions of bokuto 

Genre: angst to fluff 

A/n: i reallly love angst to fluff and i always see other imagines with the same concept of the guys forgetting your birthday but the reader always stays at home crying and i just wanted the reader to have some fun :). this might be a two parter so bare with me, also i just found out how to make this part a little more organized as you can tell lol anyway back to the story, i hope you enjoy it!  ❤︎

Part 2  

❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀

Wakatoshi Ushijima.

He is a simple man and not a very affectionate boyfriend but you knew that before you started your year long relationship. You loved him nonetheless. He had been busy for about two weeks with practice, being in the japan national team was difficult, but you’d expected him to remember your birthday, right? Well, you had woken up at around 8 a.m., your boyfriend long gone. Practice, you thought. You got up, made your bed and made some breakfast. While you were dancing around happily enjoying this amazing day by yourself, your phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Y/n, the guys from the team will be coming over later to study the match for next week, is that okay?”

You were shocked, had he forgotten? Or maybe he was going to surprise you? “yeah, sure”

“Great, we’ll buy food so you won’t have to cook, see you later”

He hung up and you were left confused, you stared down at your now soggy pancakes, sigh what a great way to start the day.

A few hours later

You had finally finished cleaning the house and you sat down exhausted on the couch. You had to distract yourself from the fact that your boyfriend had forgotten your birthday. You got numerous calls from friends and family throughout the day, you even got messages from ushijima’s teammates. They kept saying that maybe he wanted to surprise you and he just didn’t want to tell anyone or he was using them as a decoy to an actual surprise. Thanks to those messages you began to have hope. Maybe your boyfriend was a secret romantic. You got off the couch and headed to take a shower. Rhythmic music rang through your bathroom as you rinsed the soap of your body. Your body was wrapped in a towel when you heard the front door open.

Your smile dropped when you heard his teammates voices in the living room. Hope wasn’t dead though, maybe he wanted a surprise party, but Ushijima wasn’t the type to do that. He entered your shared bedroom.

“Hello love” he said while looking for his notebook, not even giving you a glance

“Hey, um, babe did your teammates come over?”

“Yes, I called this morning to ask if it was okay” he looked at you with a confused glare

“Oh well I just thought we might have some alone time, you know, today being sp-”

“Really?” he pinched the bridge of his nose “Look y/n I told you this morning so this wouldn’t happen, if you didn’t want the guys to come over you should have just told me. What do you want me to do now? Huh? Kick them out?” he questioned

This is not what you had pictured when it came to your birthday. “It is not my fault that I want to spend some quality time with you, you have been busy this whole week and i-”

“You are being selfish y/n, I can’t spend my entire life joined to the hip by you, you know that volleyball was important in my life way before you came. God you are so clingy, if I had known this what our relationship was going to be like” he paused “nothing never mind” he said as he left the room.

You just stood there with tears threatening to spill, you had a lump in your throat. You were frozen. Clingy, he just called you clingy and selfish. You had always thought you gave more than you received in relationships and him calling you that just confirmed that insecurity. This added to the fact that he rarely showed you any type of affection. You were worried this might be the end, he had been distant. You barely got to see him and got used to waking up alone. Perhaps he had grown tired of you and you were just too naïve to notice.  

His teammates had heard everything and they just awkwardly stood and looked at each other. They had thought that ushijima had made them come over for a dinner party or something, they even brought gifts (which they had left in their cars since they didn’t want you to see it once they walked in). When ushijima came into the living room, they didn’t say anything and sat down, too scared to mention the fact that it was your birthday.

“Sorry for the wait, should we start” ushijima said

They all mumbled out a yes

Meanwhile you were in your room, in the same place he left you, sobbing into your hands. The sound of the phone ringing snapped you out of your zone. You saw that it was your friend and picked it up.

“HEY GIRL” your friend screamed into your ear as you sniffled “wait do not tell me you are crying, y/n why are you crying on your birthday?”

“I had a fight with toshi and i-i”

“No, no you are not going to let that man ruin YOUR day” your friend emphasized “c’mon, go into take a shower, get dolled up and let’s go clubbing”

“I already took a shower but I don’t know if it’s a good idea” you said in a quiet voice

“Yes, it is, I don’t want you crying on your day, I’ll pick you up in an hour”

“Fine” you groaned

You look at your now puffy eyes and realized you do need to celebrate because you deserve it and no man will make you feel like you are less than. Considering he didn’t think you were nearly as important as volleyball. You began to put your makeup on while thinking about what outfit to wear. You decided on red, off the shoulder, bodycon dress with black heels. You were definitely feeling yourself. “I’m outside” your friend texted you. You applied the last of your lipstick and perfume and headed out to your living room.

You got your keys and almost headed out without anyone seeing you when bokuto noticed and quickly stood up.

#ushijima x you #ushijima x y/n #ushijima wakatoshi #haikyu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu angst #ushijima angst #ushijima scenarios #ushijima imagine #ushiwaka #hq ushijima #ushijima fluff

[fxckingghxst]

Lucky

Pairing: Aizawa x GN!Reader

Genre: fluff

Warnings: none

WC: ~700

A/N: craving husband!Shouta REALLLY bad lately and since I’ve been feeling shitty, here’s a comfort piece!! Short and sweet. Hope you guys like it!

Shitty. The only word you could think of that could describe the day you just had. To start things off, you woke up with a sore throat, spilled your coffee all over your pants, got yelled at by multiple different customers, your coworker flaked on you- resulting in you going overtime, and you’ve eaten absolutley nothing today. It was already 10 p.m. Everything was hurting and you now finally accept the fact that you were coming down with something. Your head was pounding, your stomach was grumbling for something- anything to eat. But, you were so exhausted. You just wanted to lie down and fall asleep for three days. Maybe four.

“Darling?” You hear a gruff voice pull you from your mundane actions and you realize you’ve walked yourself into the kitchen. You look towards the source of the voice and see your sleepy husband standing at the end of the stairs as he rubs the side of his head. He’s wearing sweats and a plain white shirt and you put it together that he was probably asleep.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry, babe.” You croak out as your throat practically screams out in pain from just talking. Shouta’s tired eyes narrow at you as he watches you throw all your things on the kitchen table. You shuffle towards the fridge in search of juice or something to dull the ache in the back of your throat. 

“Are you alright?” Shouta asks as he takes a few steps towards you; reaching his hand out to rub your shoulder. 

“Hm?” You were only able to register the warm hand on your shoulder instead of the words he spoke, so when you turned your head to look at him, he was waiting for an answer. “Did you ask me something?” 

“Okay, something is definitely wrong with you.” He says as he spins you around fully to face him, the fridge door knocking against your bicep and eliciting a shiver through you. “Are you feeling okay?” He asks as he brings the back of his hand towards your forehead to check your temperature. 

“No, I feel like shit.” You answer honestly as you close your eyes. You don’t even know why you felt like crying right now. You knew it would only make you, physically, feel worse and you’d hate to worry Shouta, but damn you wanted to just let everything out. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Shouta’s soothing voice cups your cheeks as you realize just thinking about crying made you cry. Awesome. “It’s okay to feel like shit.” He comforts easily as he brings your face to his chest; arms wrapping around your shoulders. Your arms felt like cinder blocks as they wrap around his torso, but you just wanted to feel as close to him as possible. He rubs your back as you finally just let the ugly sobs out and allow yourself to feel vulnerable.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks as he leans back so he can look at your face. He frowns as he sees how upset you are.

“No, too tired. J-just wanna sleep.” You stutter out as you wipe your tears away. He leans forward and kisses the top of your head softly before squeezing you into another loving crush. 

“Okay, darling. Have you eaten yet?” He asks and you sniffle before shaking your head no. “Go upstairs, take a shower, and lay down. I’ll be up with food, water, and medicine.” Shouta orders as he gently guides you towards the staircase. 

“And we can cuddle?” You ask as you turn around to face him, your tears ceasing as you started to even out your breathing. Shouta let out an airy chuckle before leaning down to capture your lips in a quick and sweet kiss that has your lips tingling. 

“You don’t even have to ask, darling.” He says before kissing your nose and taking a few steps back towards the kitchen. “Now, go and start unwinding. I’ll be up there soon.” Shouta says with a small smile. 

“Love you.” You say as you return his smile. You felt like crying again. Not from your shitty day, but from how loved you felt at this moment. From how much Shouta loved you and cared for you. You felt so lucky. 

“Love you.”

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mha fluff #mha x reader #bnha fluff #bnha x reader #bnha aizawa #mha aizawa #shouta aizawa #aizawa x reader #aizawa fluff #shouta #shouta fluff #ereaserhead #anime fluff #anime scenarios #anime writing #kay:writes

[croatian-nt]

Sejan podcast

I know this isn’t in order but I also know everyone is waiting for this one so, here you go. Translation under the cut

Host, speaking to the camera: Good day dear viewers, and today-a treat. Dejan Lovren and Šime Vrsaljko. I was tempted to start this off with Šime's famos phase: Good day working people, tonight is a live" but it seemed a bit too much

Host, turning to them: should we expect something like that from the two of you during Euro as well?

Dejan: it's spontaneous for us. For Šime and me. We never know what will happen

Host: oh I see. Is it also partly the fact that you are a bit older now-

Šime: *giggling *

Host: -so you have this mindset of "oh we are older now, we'll leave it for younger players"?

Šime: *giggling louder * well no-we only improve with years that go by

Dejan: we get even worse

Šime: *openly laughing * yes, even worse!

Host: but the two of you continued that tradition even after WC. You call one another, you go live, you guve yourself into the ether, so to say

Šime: I mean, it's not...it's not showing people as much as they think-

Dejan: we show them maybe 1%!

*everyone laughs *

Šime: yeah we show them maybe 1% of the way we-I mean, we show everything through positivity and that's it. I guess people like that

 Host: I know the two of you have been active during quarantine. You were both probably bored and had quite a bit of interesting conversations. Maybe we should touch a bit upon that. Is it something you guys plan or does one call another and then you just talk?

Dejan: Oh, it's as I said before. Šime knows that when I call him, I'll call him three times. He has to answer

Šime: yeah, we really don't plan that. I often have some things I am doing but then he is calling me to comment on something and I-I don't have the heart not to answer

 Host: so Dejan, you were also quite bored in quarantine, and you tries quite a lot of activities. I believe cooking was also one and that one steak ended up burned

Dejan: the house almost burned down

Host: *laughs *

Dejan: no, seriously

Host: so it ended up completely black huh?

Dejan: yeah. But I did learn how to cook better after that

Host: and you Šime? I believe you said you didn't cook the eggs but the eggs cooked you. That there was oil everywhere

Šime: I mean, they closed us in the house. And I had some friends over and we were all really hungry so I made some eggs. They asked for fried eggs but they ended up getting scrambled ones

 *about getting haircuts in Russia*

Šime: so I came downstairs, after the lady was finished with Kova already. And we share a glance and Kova is like 'brate...this really isn't good' but I take a seat anyway, hoping it will turn out alright. And then she started cutting it and I felt she was taking out too much hair so I stopped her. Still had patches of hair missing. It was awful

Dejan: the rest of us surely didn't let him forget about it

Host: so how did all of this start? I know the two of you were roommate and that Dejan pressure you into opening instagram account, which you didn't want to do. But you did in the end

Šime: yeah, he was pesting me about it for days. 'Šime please. Com'on just open an account please' and what could I do? I relented. And then...I think we made that Marica video first?

Dejan: yes, that's how it all started

Šime: yeah. I didn't know how anything on Instagram worked, so I played with filters and that's how Marica happened. Interesting, what can I say

Host: what's interesting is that none of that was planned. There was no plan, no censure, nothing. You just showed us things as they were

Dejan: well I think that's the best, really. Plans rarely work out as you want them

Šime: yeah. We didn't do it to, I don't know, pretend we are funny or for views or something like that. Just...what happens, happens

Host: do you miss it now? The fact that you aren't roommates?

Dejan and Šime overlapping: we didn't-weren't

Dejan: everyone has their own rooms. But it's practically like we are. Not much of a difference

 Host: how did you think of your famous "aj lajk" idea?

Šime: well I don't it'-

Dejan: something got messed up in his brain

Šime: -something clicked in or out of place

Dejan: he just said something like "aj lajk a lot" and that was the end of it

Šime: no, I remember there was something-there was that moment well-erm

Dejan: laughs *

Šime: *sighs, shakes his head * I was watching this comedy from Jim Carrie and then he-and then he- *loses a train of thought *

Dejan: *laughs louder *

Šime: *smiles * there was something he did and-I thought of-

Dejan, whispering: aj lajk

Šime: no, it was-

Dejan, louder: ajjj laaajk

Šime: it was something different

*continous laughing from both Dejan and the host *

Šime: ...anway it was also spontaneous

 -Card break-

 Host: let's make first card break. You take the cards and ask the questions one to another

*Šime and Dejan take each one card *

Host: you can take all of-or you can take them one by one. Nevermind

Dejan: so what, I am asking him then?

Host: yes

Šime: don't give me any hard questions

Dejan: a yacht or a sailing boat?

Šime: a yacht

Host: a big one?

*voices overlaping *

Dejan: as long as everything fits in-

Šime: it doesn't really matter-

*pause. Šime shrugs. Dejan starts laughing *

Šime: I don't wanna sound too posh here. I don't spend much time on yachts and I was never on a sailing boat. And I am not very patient-

Dejan, overlaping: he doesn't have patience for that-

Šime, still overlaping: yeah, exactly-

Dejan, speaking over him: I think he is more likely to push the sailing boat himself-

Šime: I really don't think I'd like that- not one bit. Anyway, SUV or Cabriolet?

Dejan, looking pained: Cabrio.

Dejan: VAR or not VAR?

Šime: *sighs * no VAR

Šime: Jennifer Lopez or Shakira?

Dejan: *thinking*

Šime: Can he choose both?

Host: he can, but if he can choose one that would be better

Šime: I am just giving him an option

Dejan: JLo

Šime: ah, fine I guess

Dejan: rock or hip hop?

Šime: I listen all kinds of music so it depends

Šime: iPhone or Android?

Dejan: iPhone

  Host: Šime you didn't play a lot of games because of your injury. We are all happy you are back now but I am curious. How did you feel at home, watching them play and suffer on the pitch while you are at home?

Dejan: what about how I suffered?

Šime: If someone told me I will not play for the nt for so long after WC during WC I eould have called them crazy. But I kept postponing the injury during WC and I paid the price after. So yes, it was hard, watching my boys that I spent so much time with, play without me and struggle while I wasn't there. But I am here now and we have a big chance once again to cheer up people who love Croatia

Host: Deki, there have been some new player joining the nt recetly. How do you think they are settling in?

Dejan: I think, good. I mean when I remember my start, of course you are a bit more shy but I am sure they'll be more outgoing with time. But they seem like nice guys

Host: do you think there is a potential in some of them to continue this entertainment thing you and Šime do? Or are they more closed of?

Šime, cutting in: I think there is always a way to joke around a bit. But-

* Dejan, shaking his head and mouthing no*

Host: no huh?

Šime: but-

*voices overlaping *

Dejan: it just doesn't exist-

Host: how would you encourage them to-

Dejan: you can't. You are either born that way or you aren't

Šime: I mean the two of us have been in the nt for awhile now and it's always the same. Every morning if I wake up even at 4 am I'd start laughing

*Dejan laughing *

Šime: it's just the way it is and you can't really describe it

 Host: I wanted to ask, I don't know if this will ever happen but I would like to see you two as hosts one day. If you could choose someone to ask questions as host from the nt, who would it be?

* Šime and Dejan share a look and burst out laughing *

Šime, still laughing: no the thing-the thing is, the two of us commented on probably every famous person ever. Connected to sports or not. But if I had to choose-if I had to choose someone I think I'd laugh to tears with while interviewing it would be Goran Bare

*Dejan giggling in the background *

Šime: it would really be a show

Host: if he could hold a concentration during the whole interview

Šime: I mean it would be something casual, like this. And for the questions we would have...I reallly don't know

Šime, looking at Dejan: who would you choose?

Dejan: I don't know

*silence *

Šime: com'on brate, say someone

Dejan: hmmm. I don't know. No one is coming to mind right now

Host: and from the nt? If you had to choose one teammate?

Dejan: Brozović

Šime: well yes but-

Dejan: he is maybe number one for me right now. I just remembered

Host: and would he agree? To come to a show hosted by you?

Dejan: not only would he agree. He would have to agree

Šime, unconvincinly: mmm. Yeah

Host: Deki, did you get used to life in Russia?

Dejan: well yeah, yeah I did-

*Šime giggling *

Dejan: it's not how I expected. I expected to be able to survive the winter but it's really cold

*Šime bursting out laughing and coughing *

Dejan: I went out on the balcony one day and thought "my freezer is warmer than this "

Šime: so meat can be kept outside with drying clothes. If it's that cold. How cold it is?

Dejan: -30 C

Šime: wow. There we go then

Host: you didn't visit him yet?

Šime: no

Host: and you won't huh?

Šime: oh no *laughs * I said I didn't not that I won't

Host: Šime how did you face Luka after snatching the trophy from him?

Šime: normally. But I remember thinking-since he scored last minute to Villarreal and we won our game. If we ended with a draw and he scored a goal in last minute and won the championship-uff. I wouldn't be able to look at him

Dejan: he doesn't even have space for any more trophies anyway

Šime: him?

Dejan: yeah. Like com'on

Šime: but. Um- *looks at Dejan and forgets his sentence *

Dejan: dragi

Šime: hmm?

*Dejan laughs *

Šime: don't talk too much

 Host: We had Budimir here yesterday and we talked about how he got into argument with Savic. He didn't want to tell us any details, but he said you'll surely tell us everything

Šime: he really pushed it all on me huh?

Someone off camera: that's not exactly how he said it!

Šime: I mean I don't want to judge because I am on good terms with both of them. I didn't get involved and I actually found someone else to argue with-

*Dejan laughs *

Šime: but I am really close with Ante while we are with the nt but Stefan is also my friend I talk to every day so. I wouldn't want to pick sides

Šime: I am glad Ante scored thought and that the club bought him so I congratulate him on it this way-oh he just entered

Host: Ante you came a little late. We just talked about you and Savic. Šime told us everything

Dejan: he insulted you to the fullest

Host: he told us everything, we heard a completely different story from you, just so you know

Budimir: will I need to give some sort of reply?

Host: it's too late for that, you had you lr chance and you didn't say anything

Šime: I wanted to say, there was tension during the whole game and it escalated jn the tunnel-

Host: oh Luka, you are a bit late too. We talked about you as well

Luka: I was here already before-

Host: I think he waited until you left to say something-

Budimir: I just wanted to say, he sent Grbic after me. The biggest one

*all laugh *

Šime: I didn't even see Grbic. I was too busy with some other things. Some my exhibitions

  -Cards break-

Dejan: who has the best image?

Šime: ufff. Hmmm *thinks for about 30 seconds * Based on my taste? I guess Mateo? He knows how to dress well

Dejan: *laughs quietly *

*everyone from the background start laughing *

Host: you are not of the same opinion

Šime: well I said it's based on my taste

Dejan: next question

 Šime: who has the best car?

Dejan: what should I say?

Šime: just say it's you, brate

Dejan: I mean Barišić has a good car

Host: Barisic huh?

Dejan: I wanted to say Luka but Luka is *makes dismissing gesture with his hand *

Luka: soon!

Šime: Luka will have it soon but tastes shouldn't be discussed. Besides whoever has the fastest doesn't mean he is the fastest

*everyone laughs *

Host: so who is the fastest?

Šime: well that I don't know. We should have some sort of competition

 Dejan: who gets ready the fastest?

Šime: ufff. I don't know. I really don't know. I can tell you who gets there last but-

Host: who gets there last?

Dejan: captain

Host: Luka huh?

Dejan: well you know it's when you pass 30-31, you immediately pay a fine. So he comes exactly at 30

Šime: but at yesterday's lunch, you should have seen that show. It was 29 minutes and 45 second when suddely the door opens and everyone rushes in. There was pushing and running...chaos. but that's because we have some new regulations like no being late, no phones...but I think that's great

Host: who paid the most fines?

Dejan: ufff I can't quite remember. But I think Reba and Perisic

Host: now I'd like you both to tell me about your childhood, but perhaps something not football related

*Šime and Dejan burst out laughing *

Šime: there is still more of these dragi *giggles *

Dejan: are you fucking with me

Host: alright sorry guys, my bad. Continue

Šime: are you asking me or am I asking you?

Dejan: you ask me

Šime: no, I asked you last. You ask me

Dejan: alright. Who eats the healthiest?

Šime: I think Deki does

Dejan: Me??

Šime: yes. The way he makes and mixes those salad he eats...I am sick from only going to that part and looking at all the stuff you are supposed to put in them. But he does it so carefully and he clearly enjoys it. I mean we all eat healthy but he is like...yeah

Dejan: I mean I really do like salads. And I have this whole pressure-captain sits next to me and he says "make a double salad"

Šime, overlapping: well yeah, he uses him a little, so what-

Dejan: and it has to be perfect, salted to a gram, otherwise it's "what did you put in this?!" *sighs * it's fine

Šime: who cooks the best?

Dejan: cooks???

Both of them: no one

 Host: alright so, your childhood. Šime, you can go first

Šime: my childhood? I don't know what to say, really. It was good, I grew up loved, surrounded by fun and playing games with my friends outside. I also thankfully have a younger brother and...I don't know. Most of my fondest memories are the ones spent playing outside, usually with the ball of course

Host: which neighborhood?

Šime: well we moved once so there were two addresses in Zadar, until I finished middle school. And then I went to Zagreb at 14

Host: what about you Dejan? I know you had a harder childhood, but I'd like to touch upon happy moments and not so much on bad ones

Dejan: what should I say? I don't know where to start. I mean I had a really nice childhood in Germany. My parents introduced me nicely to the real world pretty early on. I remember at that time I thought we had everything we needed but...in the background everything was burning. I think I only realize how bad the situation was when we got back to Croatia. But that's alright-it happened for a reason. And I think we can all be proud that we survive it. I am actually sad my brother didn't went through that with us. He was too small

Host: you spoiled him a bit huh?

Dejan: well no. He is 10 years younger. By the time I went to Lyon he was just starting to grow up. Maybe that's why I-because of what happened I developed quite a character. So I can proudly say we all went through that together and today that's something that doesn't have a price

Host: you went to Zagreb when you were only 14 right? Although I believe you said in one interview you really wanted to go

Šime: I wanted to go because it was a call I couldn't refuse. It was football and football is my biggest love. And it's something you just feel you need to do. And when you are that young you are just pulled by your goal, by the love for football. But when I came and when the process of growing up was suddenly sped up...only then did I realize the consequences of my decision. But at that time that was a challenge to which I would never admit defeat. So there was only victory left. And I did win that game of my life. Those kind of moments left a mark on you. As Deki said those things make you stronger and make some things later in life easier

Šime: but don't get me wrong! I am not saying it wasn't nice as well. I am talking her like it's something awful-

Host: was it too much of a change to you at first?

Šime: well no, it was great for me actually. I was supposed to go to Hajduk at that time and I went to two tournaments with them in Zagreb, we won that tournament, I won the best player award and they were demanding for me to come to Hajduk but they couldn't make a deal with Zadar and then the offer from Dinamo came and...there wasn't much thought on my part. It was really great. I was at dorm for the first 6 months. And...I don't have time now but one time when we have time I'll talk about the details and my experience with boys from both on and off the pitch. It was a time of self descovery for me so to say

Host: Deki, I have to ask you something. I have a friend that played with you in Inter and he said that you spend the whole night with them celebrating, but you only drank Cola and similar drinks. Never alcohol

Šime: impossible. I don't believe it

Host: that's what he told me

Šime, turning to Dejan: is it true? How old were you?

Dejan: 16 or 17 I think?

Šime: oh okay, then I believe it

Dejan: I mean I had this sort of mentality of looking at things ahead. It's not that I never got drunk. I got absolutely plastered and I walked on my knees-

*everyone laughs *

Dejan: -but I definitely had days I didn't drink despite hanging out with teammates because i didn't feel like it

Šime: *still laughing *

Host: He is dying of laughter. I don't understand why

Dejan: that's because he saw the time I was on my knees and ge remember that now-

Šime: *laughing louder *

Dejan: so now for him that's-

Šime: no it's *laughing do hard he is incomprehensible * it must have been some time before the game so you didn't drink *proceeds laughing *

Dejan: well yes, that's what I am telling you. The rest of them were getting wasted anyway

Šime: *laughs even louder * this was good, my god

Host: he has good tricks huh?

Šime: no I mean, I am not saying what he is saying is untrue I just *laughs *

Dejan, overlapping: he just saw the worst version-

Šime: I know how he gets when he-*laughing harder *

Dejan: -saw the full transformation-

*both laughing very hard *

Šime, wiping his eyes: oh my god.

Dejan: anyway, next question

 Host: Šime that jump of yours after a ball during the game against Belgum...what happened?

Dejan: blackout

Šime: I mean yeah-I was so mad

Host: but jumping with both legs-

*Dejan laughing *

Šime: he is laughing but I am still mad. There were so many situations with Lukaku, he kept pushing the players with the whole "oh I am strong, oh I am fast" I mean he is but. Still. So when I saw him leading the ball I wanted to-I want to shorten his....

*everyone except Šime laughs *

Dejan: his legs

Šime: his way to towards the goal. And I failed and when i saw that in a duel I lost the ball-

* Dejan laughing again*

Šime: and I was tired and under stress so I had to get it all out somehow so i don't do something worse later

Dejan: I remember watching TV and I saw that, I looked at my brother and then back the TV and I said "he had some sort of blackout there"

Šime: I just did what I had to do. If it was concrete there, I would have threw myself at concrete at that moment

*Dejan absolutely losing it *

Šime: I am serious. I would have honestly threw myself at the concrete at that moment

Dejan: *slaps his arm, still laughing *

Šime: I realize it was a bit unexpected from the outside but I just had to do it so I don't endanger anyone else's health later

 -Cards break-

Dejan: only two cards?

Host: no there are supposed to be three

Dejan: *looks around, no sign of third card *

Host: lost it on the way huh? It's fine, there can be two

Dejan: alright. Favorite book?

Šime: pfffff

Dejan: *laughs *

Šime: there is no favorite book

Dejan: *laughs harder *

Host: nothing huh?

Šime: no. I know there might be a phase in my life when I will read books, but for now...I just don't have a patience

Dejan: *continous laughter that increases everytime word 'book' is mentioned *

Šime: favorite song?

Dejan: uh. I can't really choose, it depends on a mood *thinks for a moment * but now...let's say from Oliver "Bez tebe"(without you)

Dejan: favorite city?

Šime: Zadar

Šime: now another question that won't be hard to answer. Favorite number?

Dejan: *shurgs * 6

Šime: you didn't really choose some hard questions

 Host: if you had a choose one player from the nt who is really special? Personality wise as well-

Dejan: Broz

Šime, nodding: Definitely Brozović

Host: I keep hearing about him. Maybe people from the outside have the wrong idea about him-

Dejan: wrong idea? No, they have the right idea. Exactly the right idea. The guy is hilarious, but also an amazing player. I cannot believe someone can eat 2 kg of pate, 2 croissant and coca cola before a WC match and just. Run for 15 km. I just don't understand that. And then when you ask him how he says: "pateee" and makes hand gesture to the sky. I really don't understand him. I would need 4 days to recover from eating all that

Šime: yeah his mental state...I don't think there is much of a difference for him when he wakes up in the morning on a normal day or when he about to enter a pitch. But I think when you meet him you are surprised actually. He is actually quite quiet and nice and really smart, with a big heart

Host: and he is honest right?

Šime: yes. There is no doubting for him. He will tell you everything to your face and what you think about that-that's your problem. I think that's great

 *about their lives and interviews from Russia*

Šime: one thing that I specifically remember from videos of our interviews are people trying to read our lips

Dejan: oh god *laughs *

Šime: I remember whispering to Dejan "look that guy is the same Strina

Dejan: the guy really looked identical

Šime: and someone wrote that I said "look at that woman with big boobs"

Dejan: *laughs harder *

Šime: I mean, how do you even read it so badly??

 -Last card break-

Šime: which teammate would you let choose an outfit for your night out?

Dejan: Šime Vrsaljko

Dejan: which teammate would you choose...as a business partner

*they share a look and start laughing, the entire audience joining them

Šime: Well Dejan Lovren, of course

Šime, calming down: alright, alright next question. Which teammate would you choose to-*starts laughing * to-to babysit your child for a few hours?

*everyone burst out laughing *

Dejan: Šime Vrsaljko

Dejan: now, listen to this

Šime, already half laughing: yes?

Dejan: which teammafe would you choose to...change your tire

*both burst out laughing again *

Šime: *catching his breath but still laughing * what-I mean what should I say *laughing again, shrugging * oh fu-

Šime: which teammate would you choose for a gaming partner?

Dejan: *thinking * but you are always playing those video games. Call of duty and stuff. I have to pick Šime again

Šime: well I really sometimes do-

Dejan: sometimes?

Šime: often-and then I tried to get him to start playing-

Dejan: and I did, during lockdown. And he got me into Call of duty. And after 5 hours I say "I am going to bed" and my wife wakes me and she is like "dragi you are shaking "

Šime, laughing: he was shooting!

Dejan: it completely scrambled my brain. So I quit. Stupid video games

Dejan: alright now tell me...who would you choose as a partner in a fight?

Šime: ufff. Well him. I'd choose him for everything. It's a matter of trust. If we were to get into a fight together-

Host: you'd take a punch for him?

Šime: we'd-we'd make it a good fight. Guaranteed

  Host: well guys, that's it. I hope you enjoyed-viewers certainly will. This will be viewed a lot I bet

Šime: it was good. Fun. Although I saw that in some podcasts they drink while answering-

Dejan: where did you see that?

Šime: in podcast. When Goran Bare was a guest they also gave him the-the-

Dejan: so I end up on my knees here? Don't be ridiculous-

Šime: -and we'd open the topics much easier that way

Host: I don't know what your coach would say to that-

Šime: -it's classic art. I am not saying we have to drink here just that I think it's cool

Dejan: *laughing *

Šime: maybe some people are a bit stiff so this would help them relax

Dejan: how do you think we'd be like? How relaxed?

Šime: from 1 to 100? 200

Host: well you gave us a good idea for maybe some future podcasts-

Šime: but I think that would need to happen when there are no football activities involved-

Dejan: I think the chair would be sitting on me and not me on a chair

*both laugh *

Šime: just prepare us two beds here so we can lie down after

Host, turning to the camera: Anyway, dear viewers, we'll stop here for today. I hope you all had fun today, and watch us tomorrow as well

#dejan lovren #sime vrsaljko #vatreni podcast #sejan #croatia nt

[secondhand-trash]

16 and akaashi 🥰

16. knows your schedule from the back of their heads (and gets shocked when there is a sudden change to your routine)

Akaashi liked to think that he knew your routine pretty well, not that you were aware of it.

You always slept past your alarm, even though you had a whole page of per 5-minute interval alarms set. He was tempted to set more for you but realised that it wouldn’t matter anyway. You were never early, but for some unknown reason, you were always able to wake up in cold sweat just before it would be too late to get to school on time. You rushed through your entire morning routine before you managed to step out of the door. You always looked just a bit disheveled when you leaped into the classroom just as the bell was about to ring. He always made the effort to see if there were any loose strands of hair that you missed so he could tug it in for you. (He didn’t really think too much about it when he did that but the swooning you felt when his long fingers slipped through your hair never did stop even though it was nearly a daily occurrence.)

Akaashi, on the other hand, always got through his mornings with leisure. He had to get back to school earlier than most for morning practices which left him plenty of time to make sure he had everything he needed before the classes actually start, meaning that he was always the one waiting on you each morning. His body clock was terrifyingly on point and he always wake up just moments before his alarm rings, always. He always looked so calm, a sharp contrast to the way you could barely breathe regularly when you slammed the classroom door open.

He froze in place for just a little (so little that you would probably miss it unless you really look) at the door when he walked in to see you already at your seat this morning. 

What was this? Why were you here earlier than him? Did you not sleep well last night? You actually seemed like you took a look at the mirror before you walk out the door today? Were you sick?

The engines in his head was running on high speed as he slowly made way to his seat in front of yours, even though on the outside he looked just as collected as ever. It was a good thing that you were being punctual, but something about it just reallly bugged him.

“Morning Akaashi.” you flashed him a quick smile when he sat down.

“Morning.” he replied, his eyes searching for any sign of you being unwell as you buried your head in the books in front of you.

He watched you sighed and pushed the book towards his direction. “Akaashi,” you mumbled as you ran your hand down your face, “do you remember if this part will be in the quiz? I straight up forgot that we had one until late last night.”

So you were back early under desperation, now it all made sense. A small smile tucked at the corner of his lips as he leaned forward which you took as him being his usual gentle self. “No,” he said and he paused before adding, “it will be in the one next week though.”

“Another one?” you sighed, gripping his hand in appreciation, “Urgh, what will I do without you?”

He smiled, leaning his head on his palm as he watched you dipped back down, a small piece of hair falling down as you moved.

It tickled when the tip of his fingers just brushed past the side of your face as he tucked it behind your ear. You glanced up, smiling sheepishly as you mouthed a soft thank you.

And so the routine was back to normal.

#akaashi x reader #akaashi imagine #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu x reader

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

It’s been a while since I last logged in. Hello hello. 

Today is Sunday and I’m now at The Bread Shop. And I’m really just enjoying my brunch now :) 

Waking up, feeling good. Went to the gym. Really want to be toner. Really hope to see the results soon! 

So far, I would say, life has been good? Like 2021 is such a roller coaster ride to me. So much have happened. Like mostly bad things though (lol). 

I got into a car accident (a rather severe one), I was heart broken...And indeed, undeniable, these have significantly changed my life. Indeed, not that I’ve asked for it, but I’ve become stronger as well because of these life events. Are all these pre-determined? Like is it all bound to happen? Does everything really happens for a reason? Honestly, I really don’t know. Sometimes when I think about it, I’m just scared I guess. 

But again, these have indeed welcomed a series of changes into my life. So much have changed. Let me just list it down one by one: 

- I moved house; 

- I got a new car; 

- I resigned, and starting my new job soon; 

- I’ve became a better person (sort of?); 

- I started to workout; 

- I start paying my own bills and shit... 

there may be more that I can’t seem to recall, but again, I’m indeed out of words sometimes. 

Anyhoo, I’m also really excited at the same time. To celebrate this new beginnings. And, I just can’t believe that few months ago I was so so so depressed. According to friends, I lost a few pounds too. But the fact that being heartbroken would have such a huge impact on me, is really scary. I’m really scared. 

For Desmond - I decided to cut things off with him. He’s a really nice person - no doubt. But I think me myself is not willing to allow him to enter into my life and to allow him to love me. Probably because I don’t think he would be able to love me for who I am. Nonetheless, for that brief few months, I did really enjoy my time with him. In a way, I feel like we’re able to support and empower each other. Prolly because he is much older, and he gave reallly good advice sometimes. Whilst I may not be able to give that much of a good advice, I do believe I supported him emotionally in a way (may be i overthink hmm). He is such a nice person. I learned a lot. And I want to be a better person as well. Always, be the change that you want to see in the world. 

At the moment, I just want to focus on being my better self. They say you reap what you sow. And I want to plant seeds of happiness, growth, success and love and I can only hope that it will come back to me in abundance. And I really want to spread this love to people around me, empower them. 

Today is just the perfect Sunday to me. So slow and so productive. And I’m just now allowing myself, my mind to wander a little bit. Sitting here and observing the mother nature, the people around me. And feeling really grateful that I’m still here, living my life. I’m like extra sentimental right now because of what have happened. 

I crave for success. And I want to achieve that. And how am I going to achieve that. This is something that I really need to spend some time and think of. 

at least for now, i just want to be happy. happiness is really what I’m chasing for. and sometimes, i just want to live in a secluded island, start my own business and not having to worry about anything. 

Chris - until today I’m still unsure if he is the right person. And I’m not sure if this is a red enough flag that I should be aware of. I just can’t allow my heart to be broken for once again. I’m just too scared for that. 

Whatever it is, I’m just following the flow for now. 

And I know deep down I’m a much happier person now. As I don’t rely on this blog anymore. This is so crazy. 

Whatever it is, my heart is full. And I really appreciate that. 

Really like this neighbourhoood. 

WC 

[yuri-or-death]

”Black Star” SayaJuri OS (Rated M)

Main Pairing: Yamamoto Sayaka x Matsui Jurina

Characters: Yamamoto Sayaka, Matsui Jurina, Watanabe Miyuki, Matsui Rena, Miyawaki Sakura

Summary: A hot blooded dhampir and a subservient knight–Sayaka and Jurina are students at North Star Military Academy, partners, and rivals. They are soldiers who swear by the oath to protect humans from any threat. From the moment they met, there was a clear distance; a rift. But in the wake of an oncoming threat, they grow closer, and new feelings emerge.

Warning: Violence, gore, sexual themes (SMUT ALERT!!!)

Authors’ Notes: So this is me and @rukakikuchi wishing you guys a happy new year! This fic is quite spontaneous, after finding a post on tumblr about anime titles based on names we decided to make a SayaJuri OS. Personally, Sayaka x Jurina is a crack ship i’ve been meaning to try and i’m super starved of content. 

P.S. It is a REALLLY long one shot. It includes slight hints of Wmatsui, SayaMilky and Jurisaku. We hope you enjoy! 

++++

2XXX, August XX Known in infamy as the day the sky fell… Meteors rained down mercilessly from above, as if punishing humanity for some crime. That day, the world we had always known…

Was decimated.

New Star Calendar 00-34, Spring

The Council of Vampires formed an alliance with the humans. We vampires swore fealty;

We vow to protect humanity from the shadows of the Night.

We coexist, we thrive, for without them we would lose ourselves;

And neither specie would survive. Our oath. One that we forged with blood.

And now, I…

New Star Calendar 15-351, Winter

Present Time:

Snow covered the large tract of land like a white ocean, it was captivating—a flawless winter dream. Where was the end of this white horizon? It was almost as if the earth and the heavens were in congress, bound to each without end or beginning.

The pool of red against the pristine ground was shocking to the senses. Blood seeped into the layers of snow. Two figures decked in military uniforms reminiscent of the French revolution, were at the center of the scenery. A woman with chin-length hair, black as the wings of a raven, was crouched down, cradling a fragile body of another female sprawled on the ground, the latter’s long chocolate-brown tresses already viscid with blood.

A few feet away from them was a large corpse of a serpentine creature whose features were more like a dragon. Two swords impaled the cadaver’s head as black liquid oozed out from different parts of its wounded body. Slowly, it began to disintegrate into ebony dust and ash.

 The brown-haired woman coughed out blood, staining her lips. Her skin was a deathly pale color.

“Hold on. Help is coming.”

“It’s o-okay…I’m j-just glad…you’re safe, Jurina.”

Yamamoto Sayaka was dying.

“Please,” Jurina’s voice shook as she fought the mixture of despair and anger consuming her. She was resolved to track down and kill The Necromancer, their sworn enemy, even if it takes her a lifetime, even if she must search every corner of this decaying earth. The Necromancer will pay for this, blood for blood.  

In Sayaka’s consciousness, there was nothing else but a song, a silent tune that drifted to the very core of her being. Beyond her, no words were spoken, no meaning or reason. And yet every letter seemed to float, forming sentences that slowly burned the edge of her consciousness. Like dying embers floating with the wind, scattering about towards anywhere and nowhere, musical fragments whirled around the oblivion that was her thoughts. She recognized each beat, the broken refrain and the unfinished coda. Each breath drawn was a memory of things that were, that are and that would never be.

Her eyes were open, but only dancing shadows greeted her vision. The firm hold of interwoven fingers, the cold tears staining her cheeks, the pleading whispers—everything else was a dull sensation. Disconnected. Abandoned.

The weight upon her chest suppressed her and it grew more painful to breathe.  

Jurina’s warm hand traced the outline of her face, fingers weaving through the strands of her brown hair. The embrace tightened with desperation. But in her mind, there were only fractured images of people she once knew, fleeting recollections of the past and echoes of a song never sung.

“Stay with me, Sayaka.”

.

.

.

.

.

Everything is cold,

Empty.

So this is what death is like.

Are you crying, Jurina?

I don’t want to hurt you.

I…lo–

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 13-94, Summer

Memory I: Initial Contact

2 years ago…

“A dhampir arrived last night, they say she’s going to start attending classes here at the Academy.” A nameless student started to stir the threads of gossip. North Star Military Academy was a closed-up elite unit. As the best military training institution, its students were carefully handpicked and the community was tightly-knit.  It was impossible not to get a wind of new developments.

“Half-bloods shouldn’t be trusted, they’re volatile and weak.” The other student replied, gaze not leaving the flurry of swords in the arena below them.

“You think so? This one was specifically sought after by the Commander. Rumor says her skills are top notch.”

“Whatever, she’ll never be on the same league as us.”

The clinking of metal against metal filled the atmosphere. Matsui Jurina was fencing in the training hall, gripping her rapier tight as she performed quick assaults against her opponent. Her slender figure, clad in her white military uniform, seemed to dance amid the battlefield. Swift, ethereal, deadly precise–she was all those as a fighter, earning her the moniker “The White Knight.” As she was delivering blow after blow, a familiar voice broke her concentration. “Jurina! Come here!” She looked up, seeing her human master, Rena, on the upper platform gazing down at her from the audience balcony. She bowed to her sparring partner before sliding her sword to her waist and walking up the stairs. All the eyes in the room followed Jurina, her every movement was fluid as a gallant soldier.

Upon arriving at the top, she saw another girl standing with Rena. This newcomer had short brown hair and an unpleasant scowl on her face. “Who is this, Rena-sama?” Jurina’s tone was reverent. She reached for her master’s hand to kiss the crystal ring that adorned Rena’s finger. The sight of the two of them was like a spectacle lifted from a victorian portrait. Rena’s features were regal and mysterious. Her long black hair and delicate smile made her look like a princess straight out of a fairytale. “Her name is Yamamoto Sayaka. She’s going to be your partner starting today.” “Is that so?” Jurina smiled, turning toward the girl, her short hair bouncing softly. She reached out for a handshake. “It’s nice to meet you, Sayaka-san.” There was warmth in her words. Sayaka, however, just clicked her tongue and slapped the hand away. The hypocrisy of nobles irked her the most. In her mind, this girl before her was being nice for the sole reason that she was ordered to. “No offense, but do I really need a partner?” Sayaka asked Rena, rather brashly. “I’m perfectly fine on my own.” A lone wolf doesn’t need a pack, it would slow her down. “Sayaka-san, I know you are very skilled. But I think it would be beneficial if you work with Jurina. Use her experience and rigorous training to your advantage. After all, I’ve heard that you never had formal combat classes and she’s the perfect person to help you adjust here in the Academy.” Rena’s composure was infallible, as expected from the master of the famous White Knight. “I’m fully willing to be your partner,” Jurina’s smile did not falter. People would kill for Sayaka’s spot, but the dhampir just gave her an annoyed glare. “I’ll let you two be; I have some matters to settle.” Rena motioned to leave, then looked back and said, “Jurina, you start showing Sayaka the ropes!” She was definitely optimistic. “Of course, Rena-sama.” After Rena left, Jurina started walking down the stairs but noticed that Sayaka was still bent against the railing, disinterest plastered on her face like a huge ‘do not disturb’ sign. The honor student pouted as she dashed back to the top, leaning beside the other vampire. “Hey~ aren’t you going to train?” Sayaka’s face scrunched up at Jurina’s sing-song voice. “I’ll train when I want to… I don’t want to right now.” Who the hell decided she needed a partner anyway? These haughty purebloods were all the same and she wanted none of their false pretenses of camaraderie and kindness. “My, my, you’re a stubborn one…” Jurina sighed. “Oh well.” “Huh? What’s that supposed to–” Sayaka glanced over and saw Jurina hold a pendant in her hand. It was a cross that looked like a star; the Polar star, to be exact. She furrowed her brows, “What is that?” “My Polaris Cross. To pray to Astraea.” “Astria?” “Astraea!” Jurina firmly corrected her. “He’s the God who created the universe. He painted the void full of stars and galaxies. I pray to him every twilight when I wake and before dawn when I lay to sleep.” “Huh…” Sayaka was not getting any of this. “Don’t you know? The great star Polaris was created from the core of Astraea’s soul! It was his blessing to grant us magic, and–” “I don’t care about your make-believe God.” The newcomer said bluntly. “Eh?!” “That story of Asta-whatever creating the stars is just a fairytale that you’d tell a child. I would never believe something like that.” Jurina was appalled, gripping her cross. “How dare you! Talking about Astraea-sama like that!” Everything around them came to a halt as the tension spiked. The occupants of the training hall grew pensive. Matsui Jurina rarely lost her cool and this new student straight off pushed her buttons. “Ahh, Astraea, Astraea, he’s not real.” Sayaka retorted. “Listen, I never had faith in God, he was never there when I needed him. I won’t put my faith in him now.” “Such insolence–!” Jurina pulled out her sword, angrily aiming the blade at Sayaka’s neck. The dhampir just scoffed. “Please,” she taunted as she pulled out a gun, pointing it back at Jurina’s head. The suspense was too heavy for the occupants of the room to dare make the slightest movement. “Excuse me~!” A sweet voice interrupted their short dispute. They both looked confused at the young woman that came between them. She looked at Sayaka, grinning, “Yamamoto Sayaka-chan, right?” “Uh… yes? And you are?” “My name is Miyuki. I’m your master.” Sayaka raised a brow, drawing back from Jurina. “My what?” “Your master. Your ruler, your boss. The one you must swear to protect and obey with your life. Basically, you’re my knight, and I’m your queen~” “Huh? When did I agree to–” Sayaka ceased mid-sentence when Miyuki pulled her for a torrid kiss on the lips. “What is wrong with you?!” The dhampir pushed her away, a hand covered her mouth as she glared back defiantly. “You are bound to me Yamamoto Sayaka. Now lower the gun,” Miyuki then said, holding up a white crystal ring on her middle finger that was similar to the one Rena had. “We don’t need you killing your new partner.” Against her own will, Sayaka’s hand clutching the gun fell to her side. Her eyes widened seeing her sudden action. “What…?” There was confusion, panic and boiling irritation muddling Sayaka’s mind. She was being controlled. A rhythmic giggle, “You can’t disobey your master. Not while I have this Lacryma crystal~” Miyuki teased, sticking out her tongue playfully. Sayaka could only hiss. She knew she was powerless against the Lacryma. It was a relic from the shattered Polaris star and it held complete control over a vampire’s immortal soul. Humans possessed the Lacryma to ensure the loyalty of their vampire protectors. It could force even the strongest vampire into submission. “Now, I hope you two can get along! Rena-chan thinks so, too.” Jurina heaved a deep sigh, she lowered her sword. “As you wish.” “Whatever…”

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 13-201, Autumn

Memory II: Friction

“What the hell, Jurina?!” Sayaka’s angry voice roared as the doors to the Academy flew open from the brunt of the swing. Jurina walked ahead as the dhampir stormed toward her. “Hey, are you even listening?! What was that earlier?! I could’ve handled them by myself!”

“No. Because you were just being reckless,” Jurina retorted in a cold tone, sharp as an ice dagger and twice deadly.

“You were assigned as my ‘partner’, weren’t you? Wouldn’t you trust your own ‘partner’ to get the job done?!”

“You were acting out on your own; don’t think I’m the one at fault,” Jurina stopped walking and turned around. “Your course of action was highly risky and you could’ve gotten yourself killed and drag us with you. You’re in over your head. And more importantly–”

“Oh, great, what?! Tell me! I dare you!” Sayaka scowled.

Jurina took a deep breath, turning to stand right in front of her.

“You desperately need to control that temper of yours.”

“Okay, that’s it!” Sayaka took out her gun, aiming it at Jurina. “I’ve had enough of–”

“Stop.”

Sayaka felt her body freeze as Miyuki and Rena came up from behind her. Miyuki snatched away her gun while Sayaka stood, her muscles tense and her head pounding.

“Sayaka~ If you keep this up, I’ll have to confiscate your guns,” Miyuki pouted. “Rena-chan, I’ll get Sayaka something hot to drink and calm her down. You talk to Jurina.”

“Of course.”

Miyuki took hold of Sayaka’s shoulders, releasing the tension from her arms and making them drop to her sides. Sayaka still had an unpleasant look even as she was taken by her human master and ushered to the cafeteria.

Rena glanced over at Jurina as she rubbed her temple.

“What happened?”

Jurina frowned. “Can we have this debriefing later? I need a cold shower.” She was too drained to even recount the events of her first official mission with Sayaka. The girl was a handful.

“Very well. Take all the time you need to clear your head.”

….

The sound of water hitting the tiles finally stopped. A few more shuffling and the door swung open. Jurina emerged from the shower clad only in her white bathrobe, tendrils of black hair still dripping wet.

Her gaze fell on the girl in front of her, demurely sitting on the king sized bed as she waited for the vampire. “I’m sorry it took a while, Master.” Jurina muttered before motioning to the dresser. That shower definitely released some tension from her muscles.

“Now would you tell me what happened?” Rena rose to stand behind Jurina as she fumbled with the contents of her drawer, possibly looking for a dryer and a comb.

“If I must,” Jurina acquiesced as the whirling sound of the hair dryer filled the room. The vampire ran her fingers through her ebony tresses, her gaze fixed on their reflection in the mirror.

“Hey, it’s just that I’m concerned…For you to be riled up this much. I need to know how we can improve your team work with Sayaka-san as this will be beneficial for all of us in the long run.”

“But why must we insist our methods upon someone so resolute on doing things her own way? To tell you plainly, Rena-sama, that girl has negated all my commands as Squad Captain during the scramble earlier.” Jurina sighed, positively miffed. “She charged into a den of Shades sans notice and proceeded to engage combat without authorization.”

Shades were monsters deprived of reason, vampires that fell from grace. They terrorized humans and other vampires alike. Their proliferation is one of the reasons the vampire-human alliance came to be.

“A bit trigger happy, I presume.”

“My sniper and saboteur have both been decommissioned for a week’s length because of her obstinance.” It took every bit of the vampire’s patience to not lash out and make a scene the moment they arrived within academy grounds. “We were all almost buried in debris, Rena-sama.”

“There, there.” Rena tried to soothe her. She took the comb from Jurina’s grasp and began to brush the vampire’s hair with protracted, delicate strokes that massaged Jurina’s scalp. “I know I’m asking too much from you, but please do consider that Sayaka-san has been operating rogue for the past years. She’s not a team player, as expected, but it doesn’t mean she won’t grow to be one.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so invested in her affairs, Rena-sama. Miyuki-chan told me that you specifically asked the Council to make me her partner. Why is that?”

Rena placed the comb atop the dresser. She patted Jurina’s head. “A selfish wish maybe?” She smiled.

“Eh, should I be jealous?” Jurina pulled her master’s wrist, straining Rena to bend down and receive a chaste peck on the lips.

Rena cradled both sides of Jurina’s face, deepening the kiss. She only broke away when oxygen grew deficient.

“Don’t distract me from the question.” Jurina pouted.

“You started it first.”

“Are you fond of her, Rena-sama?” The vampire persisted, it would not quell her heart to be left guessing.

“She simply reminds me of myself.” The human spoke honestly, “Before I met you, that is.”

Now, Jurina was confused, “You are nothing like her, Rena-sama.”

“Well, not squarely of course. But loneliness, Jurina. I think both of us has seen it eye to eye.” For a moment, Rena’s eyes were glazed with nostalgia. There was fondness in her voice, a rhythmic cadence to her tone as she uttered the next words.

“And I want you to be her light, just as you are mine.”

Jurina intertwined their fingers together. “Hmmm….all but for a hefty price.” She teased while pulling Rena to bed. “But if that is what you wish, I’ll try.”

…

“Just to confirm, the Commander has issued orders directing my squad to investigate a high value target?” Jurina spoke to a member of their 2nd battalion, the unit specifically assigned to make profiles of their ‘marks’.

“Affirmative, Matsui-san. Our target is called The Necromancer, an extremist pureblood adept at using blood magic and curses. We believe he is behind the recent surge of Shade activity.” The human responded.

“Will permission to engage be granted?” Jurina wanted to make sure whether or not direct confrontation with the said entity was authorized.

“The Commander wishes to gather more information before we commence full execution. For now,  avoid contact as much as possible.”

“Roger that, is there anything else on the target’s portfolio?”

“Well, this is yet to be confirmed, but our intelligence cells have reported that aside from controlling Shades, The Necromancer is also able to summon beasts corrupted by magic.”

“Familiars?” Jurina clarified.

“No, it seems he is capable of altering the life links of both flora and fauna. Please exercise extreme caution.” The member of the 2nd battalion retired for the night and Jurina was left standing alone at the balcony. She was thinking of killing time in the gardens when she chanced upon Sayaka in the corridor.

At first, Jurina considered avoiding any type of interaction with her for the time being but the vampire’s good nature got the best of her. “I hope you’ve been well rested, Sayaka-san.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry and all that,” Sayaka said. “Miyuki scolded me about what I did, and then she treated me to tea when I said I’d apologize.”

“I hope next time, you’ll be a bit more careful in a situation like that.”

Sayaka sighed. “Yes, ma’am, senpai.”

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 14-120, Summer

Memory III: Mutual Need

A bullet whizzed past Jurina’s face by a centimeter, hitting a Shade that was poised to attack her from the back. She was surrounded by the vile monstrosities and had been fending off hoards of them for hours while awaiting reinforcement.

“What would you do if you injured my beautiful face?” She blurted out, a playful smirk on her lips as she eyed the new comer who had just joined the fiasco.

The White Knight was deployed for a scouting mission to observe and gather information on the western side of the Weeping Woods. The forest had been unpassable for months due to a severe build up of Shades in the area.

At first, she effortlessly disposed off the Shades that attacked her but was caught off guard when she found a heart-like matter, beating while connected to a colossal tree. The cocoon-like objects dangling from its branches served as pods for ‘new born’ Shades. It was horrifying how the creatures came out of the mounds of flesh.

Everything about it was sacrilege. The Necromancer finally found a way to create Shades without turning vampires into mindless beasts. This black heart was directly spawning monsters and leaving it be would endanger the nearby villages.

“Oh shut up J, I could put a hole on your cheek right now and it would still heal up quite nicely.” Sayaka proceeded to shoot down the Shades within Jurina’s radius as the latter elegantly slashed her way through to reach the dhampir’s side.

Jurina rolled her eyes.

“What the hell is that hideous thing?!” Sayaka eyed the black heart mounted on the colossal tree.

“A power source? It’s creating all these Shades in a matter of minutes.”  As if on cue, Shades began to emerge out of the pods, instantly multiplying their adversaries.

The two fighters stood back-to-back, entrusting their lives to each other. They began to wipe out their attackers in perfect synchronization, . Each movement was deadly precise it almost seemed like a divine waltz amid the carnage.

“By the way, you’re bloody late, Sayaka.” Jurina shot a menacing glare at the Shade that attempted to bite off the dhampir’s neck before slicing the creature in half. Her once pristine robes were now covered in grime and blood. Her hands holding her rapier was dripping with black liquid.  

“Yeah. And you’re f*cking enjoying this!” Sayaka gripped the neck of the Shade that lunged at her and snapped it. She reached for the vial inside her coat pocket. It held crimson liquid–fresh blood to renew Jurina’s strength.

She was sure her partner was at her limit, it had been almost 8 hours since Jurina left the campus and judging by the looks of this onslaught of undead and Jurina’s own countenance, Sayaka could deduce that the pureblood had been fending off these things incessantly.

“Thanks.” Jurina muttered after drinking from the vial Sayaka gave. Her eyes glistened with a crimson hue as power surged within her.

“Is there any end to this?” The dhampir grumbled while smashing a Shade’s face with the grip of her gun.

Jurina laughed almost heartily. “I wouldn’t dawdle around if it was that easy.” She wouldn’t need to send a distress signal if this predicament was something simple.

“If this draws on, we’d be stuck here until the crack of dawn.”

“That’s not quite your problem.” A slash here;

“Of course it is! I can’t have you erupting to ashes in front of my face.” A bullet there;

Sayaka was a dhampir, and dhampirs, unlike purebloods, were immune to sunlight. They were also faster in regeneration, physically stronger and more durable. All these were things Sayaka took pride in and would certainly boast about in front of Jurina whenever she had the chance.

“And besides, the whole Academy would probably stake me to a pyre if I let anything happen to their favorite student.” Both of them seemed to revel in the heat of the battle. There was no experience of seamless harmony greater than this with any other ally. Matsui Jurina and Yamamoto Sayaka were equals.

Sayaka felt intoxicated–the slicing shriek of Jurina’s sword, the reverberating echo of each bullet fired from her gun, their panting breaths, the outcry of each fallen Shade as they bit the dust–the adrenaline rush was a sweet nectar.

“As much as I fancy fighting with you, we have to think of a way to destroy that heart and get out of here.” Jurina winced as a sharp claw struck the side of her abdomen.

“If I clear a path, could you cut it down?”

There was no other word spoken; Jurina changed her fighting stance, her sword in a perfect horizontal line as she brought her right foot forward in a full offensive posture. Her blade glistened just beside her cheek, light reflected from the steel as she twisted her hand guard.

Sayaka smirked while firing a barrage of bullets as bodies started to pile up, the Shades were dropping like flies. She kicked a few of them senseless as they tried to lap on her.

The White Knight weaved her way amongst the corpses, crushing their heads beneath her heels as she advanced. If she had Sayaka beside her earlier, this would have been over and done with in an instant, instead of wasting half a day battling an army of oddities.

Jurina abruptly broke her sprint and used the speeding Shade as a springboard to thrust the blade into the black heart beating at the core of the rotting tree. Her sword glowed an unearthly silver color as she managed a full on strike.

Two halves of flesh cleanly cut in the middle almost fell from their attachment on the trunk before the muscles mended themselves and reconnected.

Sayaka cursed out loud. “Damned thing,” She shot down the shade that pulled on Jurina’s ankle as the latter stood atop the pile of carcass, just in time before the vampire could lose her balance.

Jurina glanced back to her partner’s direction, “Physical attacks are in vain.” There was a dark edge in her tone as she hurried back to Sayaka’s side, plowing through the Shades that obstructed her path.

Sharp pain shot through Jurina’s senses as she clutched the wound on her abdomen. The sensation was too strong that she almost fell to her knees.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Jurina whispered while trying to heal the laceration.

“Watch out!” Sayaka pulled Jurina’s hand to impale a Shade that attacked the pureblood in her moment of vulnerability. She almost cursed her own heritage for not being able to wield magic. It would have been damn easier if she was a pureblooded vampire.

The dhampir’s fingers lingered on Jurina’s hand which was starting to lose its grip on the rapier. “Concentrate on regeneration first, I’ll watch your back.”

Jurina shook her head. “At this rate, we’ll both die.” She barely suppressed a whimper as the gash burned with white-hot pain. She planted her sword on the ground so it was poised in a cross-like fashion.

“Shut up!! You’re not doing any self-sacrificing stunt again, you fool!!” Sayaka could almost see where this was heading, she had know her partner long enough to predict the girl’s line of thinking. The dhampir would admit the she fought recklessly more than often but Jurina, was someone who would take a bullet for someone else without batting an eyelash. She almost had no sense of self-preservation and it irked Sayaka to no end.

“Listen to me, Sayaka.” Jurina gripped the forehead of an attacking Shade and crushed it with her bare hands. Dawn was fast approaching, she could almost feel it on her skin.

“No! Enough of your grandstanding–” There was every bit of irritation in Sayaka’s response as she furiously took down the creatures swarming them.

“It seems The Necromancer has proven to be a dangerous opponent. Destroying that heart would be impossible with normal attacks and you know it. My magic is barely enough to heal my wounds.” As she spoke, Jurina’s eyes alternated between blood red and amber in split seconds, she was wavering and they were both certainly aware of it.

“Whatever you’re planning, it’s a no.”

Jurina raised her hand, casting a protective sphere around them that could only last a few seconds. The shades within 2 meter radius exploded as they touched the barrier.

“I need to drink your blood.”

Sayaka swore her heart skipped a beat at that proposition.

“What the hell! No! That’s the most important prohibition in the book!” She grabbed Jurina by the collar.

Vampires drinking from vampires was the greatest sin.

It drove them mad;

Made them forget who they were;

Made the thirst unquenchable–

Like mindless beasts.

Shades were vampires once.

But they…

Lost their souls.

“I only need enough to cast one more spell.” Jurina reasoned as she firmly held Sayaka’s hand on her uniform. Her wound was burning; time was of the essence and once the barrier breaks, she wasn’t sure if she could fight again.

She had full faith in Sayaka’s abilities but against a legion of Shades that multiplied to no end, it was a losing battle no matter how many they cut down.

“You’ll destroy yourself Jurina!”

It wasn’t entirely correct. Madness would not consume you in one breath. The progression of becoming a shade was a slow and agonizing process. It was actually ironic, catharsis: the term for the liberation of the soul was used to call the spiral into lunacy of purebloods.

“Just a bit won’t harm me.”

“You’re not even sure of that.”

The barrier started to crack, it was slowly giving out. “Trust me, Sayaka.”

“Ugh!! I hate you!” The dhampir shouted in resignation, she released Jurina from her iron grip and proceeded to unbutton her overcoat then undo her blouse.  

Jurina smiled despite the fatigue. She caressed Sayaka’s cheek, “I’m sorry for being so troublesome.” Her breath was hot but her touch was almost frigid.

“You damn sure are.” Sayaka closed her eyes as Jurina drew near.

In one swift movement, Jurina’s fangs sank into Sayaka’s neck. Upon drinking the dhampir’s blood, the vampire’s eyes shot open, her irises shone in the brightest shade of red. Black veins started to form under Jurina’s eyes as she fed.

She could discern that the taste of Sayaka’s blood would make her delirious if she did not break off…

But why did she not seem to care?

Jurina’s eyelids grew heavy as pure bliss enveloped her. Why should she stop? How could she pry herself away from this tempting warmth filing her mouth with sin? How could she turn away from this radiating energy coursing through her veins like hellfire? Sayaka’s blood…she needed nothing else in this plane of existence.

Lust ached in her bones, greed filled her lungs like poison and passion gripped her throat breathless.

Was this hunger? Was this desire? Why was something that felt so dreadfully good forbidden? It was unfair, it was the height of idiocy to constrain one’s self from this kind of pleasure!

“Jurina!” Sayaka cried out, pushing the vampire away in sheer panic.

Jurina slowly came to, eyes glistening like blood rubies and lips tainted crimson.

She gulped, the exquisite flavor lingered and it was honestly so, so heart-rending to stop.

“You’re…” Sayaka was at a loss for words, moisture started to well at the side of her eyes.

The White Knight took a step back, she turned away from the dhampir’s scrutinizing gaze. “I’m sorry.” She repeated the apology before setting her hand on her sword still impaled on the ground. Was she ashamed?

Jurina closed her eyes, feeling the air shift around her, the barrier fell completely.

In the same moment, hail and ice surged, covering their whole surroundings in frost despite being in the middle of summer. All the Shades that besieged the two fighters, including the dark heart and the colossal tree, was frozen solid.

In a blink of an eye, everything shattered–vaporized.

Sayaka was on the verge of trembling at the overwhelming demonstration of power. Only the two of them stood untouched by the white flux. She held her breath as she watched Jurina’s figure fall but caught the pureblood in her arms forthwith.

“H-hey!”

“My…wound,” came a weak reply.

Sayaka could see it clearly, the laceration the Shade inflicted, the gash that did not heal was tinged with black and purple.

It was poison.

Her partner would be incapacitated for the time being, but that was not their biggest concern right now.

Sayaka examined the sky, it would only be a few minutes until sunlight seeped in from the verdant roof of the Weeping Forest. She needed to bring Jurina to a safe location lest she truly perish.

The dhampir wrapped her coat around Jurina before hoisting the wounded girl on her back and carrying her across the woods.

…

Sayaka couldn’t remember the last time her heart pounded this wildly in her chest. The feeling of dread was a hanging shadow as she ran to beat the sun, Jurina in tow.

Was it when her mother lost all reason?

Was it when her father and sister died?

Was it when the world failed her?

Was it when god abandoned her?

This kind of fear left a bitter taste in her mouth and she swore to herself she would never fall so weak.

She thought her heart was already entombed in stone but why does the thought of losing this reckless vampire, this irritating being she started to call her partner, shake her to her very core?

Gradually, the rays of the sun seeped out from the clouds as dawn broke.

Jurina’s flesh started to parch as sunlight hit her skin. What small consolation it was, that it was not yet the height of day. Otherwise, she would have been reduced to ashes and embers.

Sayaka could feel and hear her writhe in pain. She pulled on the coat enveloping Jurina’s frail body closer to shield the vampire’s face.

She was helpless against the forces of nature, against time and space.

Yamamoto Sayaka, the strongest blood legacy of the Dhampirs, the prodigy, the abomination, couldn’t save a single life when it mattered the most.

With all her strength, Sayaka could only run.

.

.

.

.

.

The doors of the Academy’s main building burst open, surprising and confusing those who were present as they saw Sayaka fall to her knees, exhausted. In her arms, was the White Knight herself, Jurina, barely conscious.

The vampire’s scorched skin started to repair itself as soon as contact with the sun was lost.

“Someone! Please help!” The dhampir pleaded, although she was disheveled and grimy, she was wholly unscathed.

“Jurina’s been poisoned!” Every bit of anguish crushing her heart was made visible on her face as her hands shook while holding her pureblood partner. Murmurs spread through the hall quickly, everyone concerned for Jurina. Three women in white uniforms came, two lifting Jurina from Sayaka’s arms and placing her onto a stretcher, while the other bowed to the dhampir. “Please… save her…” she said in between her heavy breathing. The nurses left, Sayaka watching them roll her down the hallway. Other students whispered voices of concern, but Sayaka couldn’t hear any of them.

.

.

.

.

“She’s in stable condition for now. However, the poison was very strong. We don’t know when she will wake up.”

“This is my fault…If I wasn’t so weak…” Sayaka said bitterly as she and Miyuki stood at Jurina’s bedside. The famed knight was sleeping on a pure white mattress and sheets, an IV injected in her arm, and a mask easing her breathing. At least the darkness helped her heal her burn wounds from the sun, but Sayaka still felt immense guilt. “It wasn’t,” Miyuki said, reassuring her. “You’re the reason she’s still here.”

“But it should never have come to this… I didn’t want her to die. Ha, even though months ago, I wanted nothing to do with her, in that moment…”

As the dhampir’s master, Miyuki understood the discordant emotions flooding Sayaka’s heart. “You’re not a bad person, Sayaka. I’m sure Jurina knows that, too.” “Huh, you think so?” Miyuki nodded, her sincere smile comforted Sayaka immensely. Soon after, the door opened, and Rena stepped in. “Miyuki. We have been summoned.” Although her tone was firm and dutiful, her eyes were obviously glazed with worry as she glanced at Jurina’s unconscious form.

“You wont stay by her side?” Sayaka always felt like Rena was hiding behind a mask, a fortress even. Despite being nothing but kind and supportive, Rena’s true emotions, her heart, was unreadable to the dhampir.

Jurina’s master did not reply. “I’ll see you later, Sayaka.” Miyuki bid farewell.

“Please take care of her.” Sayaka could almost hear the desperation in Rena’s voice. Whatever the reason for Rena and Miyuki’s departure, she swore in hell it had to be terribly important for Rena to chose to leave Jurina’s side at this dire moment.

After the two humans took their leave, there was only silence.

Sayaka pulled up a chair and sat down, still staring at Jurina and vividly recalling everything that had just happened. She remembered a pain in her chest, a tightness, when she saw Jurina growing weak from poison. As if her own body was screaming in denial. A fighter as strong as Jurina shouldn’t be writhing in pain. The sight of her partner suffering felt like a claw grasping her throat, straining her breathing.

She felt like her heart was sinking, like the ground she stood on could cave in any minute.

And she didn’t understand why. Was it some sort of instinct? A whim? Or just some deep feeling in her she had never realized was there..?

Sayaka didn’t know anymore. But she didn’t want to think of anything else. Her main concern was Jurina. The White Knight, who she had disputed and argued with many times, the one she felt deeply that she would be better without.

Someone everyone else in the Academy saw as strong and almost inviolable… was now laying in front of her, vulnerable and fading.

“Jurina… please…come back,” Sayaka whispered, closing her eyes tight as she clasped her hands together.

She glanced up again, her gaze falling on the cross necklace resting on Jurina’s chest. The transit and all the shuffling must have exposed the necklace out of her regalia.

“Astraea…” Sayaka invoked the name of that God, the one she had lost faith in. And with no other reason, she bowed her head.

Deference,

Despair,

Hope.

“If… if you’re real.. Astraea… then I beg of you… spare her.. Spare Jurina’s life. Please… please…”

What am I doing now? I’ve become so desperate to rely on this deity just for her…

Suddenly, she felt something cold. She lifted her hand and touched her cheek.

“You’re… crying?”

Warm fingers tapped her other cheek twice, wiping away fresh tear drops.

Jurina managed to smile faintly under the oxygen mask.

“It doesn’t suit you.”

Sayaka didn’t know if she would cry harder or laugh. The only thing she recognized was the absolute euphoria that washed over her at the sight of Jurina regaining consciousness.

Sayaka was close to breaking down, “I hate you!” Despite her callous words, they both knew it was a lie.

Right then and there Yamamoto, the strongest blood legacy of the Dhampirs, the prodigy, the abomination, all powerful and dense, Sayaka absolutely knew she was screwed.

Matsui Jurina, her fool of a partner, was the reason for this torrent of emotions: fear, insecurity, attachment, loyalty, fondness, longing and perhaps even more.

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 15-40, Spring

Memory IV: Understanding Your Heart

“Ah, I thought I’d find you here.”

Without even turning her back, the dhampir knew the owner of such voice. It was the source of both her annoyance and vivacity.

“What do you want, J?” Under the night sky, with these many stars, Sayaka felt at peace.  Perhaps her choice of the roof top as a place to unwind and reflect alone was cliche? Or perhaps, deep inside her, she did want to be found?

A few months ago, a lot of people would claim that Yamamoto Sayaka was a cold-blooded killing machine–rigid, antisocial and distrusting. However, her association with Jurina and Miyuki definitely breathed in new life into the once outcast. Her scheming master and her pesky partner gave her more and more reasons to smile these days whether or not she cared to admit.

“You’ve been avoiding me, Sayaka.”

“You’re so narcissistic.” The dhampir huffed.

Jurina sat beside her partner. She pulled her knees closer to her chest and rested her chin on them. “So what did I do this time?”

“Nothing, leave me alone.”

“Come on, we both know you can’t resist me.”

“Get over yourself.”

A long sigh, “Why do you insist on being difficult? Such a tsundere.”

“What?!” Sayaka finally turned to Jurina irritably, she pulled the pureblood by the collar. Effectively riled up by the allegation. “I am not a tsundere!”

Jurina held the dhampir’s gaze with infallible calm. She searched Sayaka’s dark eyes for some kind of reaction.

Sayaka’s eyebrow twitched. Jurina’s amber eyes seemed to engulf her and she almost thought the other girl was reading her mind. Suddenly, the close proximity between the two of them, their faces barely an inch apart, the ability to notice every detail on Jurina’s face, grew very disorienting.

“Are you so bored to come to me? Why won’t you play around with your fangirls?” The dhampir abruptly looked away, pretending to scrutinize something, anything out there in the dark horizon. Why was it so awkward now? She would have brushed off the pureblood’s antics under normal circumstances.

“Are you jealous?” Jurina let out a melodic giggle.

“Oh for heaven’s sake Jurina, what do you want?” Sayaka swore she could rip out her hair any minute if this mind game between the two of them persisted.

“As I said earlier, you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’m not, whatever gave you that idea?”

Jurina frowned childishly. “Since that incident in the Weeping Woods you stopped spending time with me. You refuse to eat lunch with me, Miyuki-chan and Rena-sama. You decline every chance to be my sparring partner. You don’t show up to our midnight jogs around the campus and that’s like the only quality time we have left, you know. You also haven’t spoken more than five words to me that isn’t school or mission related. Now, tell me again you’re not avoiding me.” The pureblood proceeded to drone on, hearing her use that immature tone would surely surprise the other students who idolized her. Jurina was amusingly clingy and doting that Sayaka swore she was starting to act like a spoiled girlfriend or something.

“And it’s not like I’m being possessive or anything. I mean, I know you hate being my partner but I thought you finally got over it and we were finally getting along.” There was genuine hurt in her eyes.

Sayaka breathed deeply. “I just have a lot of things in my mind.”

The Sayaka from before wouldn’t apologize, wouldn’t even give a hint of an explanation. “I’m sorry if you felt like I was pushing you away.” But the Sayaka right now was more compassionate, more patient, more honest and refreshingly…more human.

“Tell me why.” Jurina was persistent, that was a fact. Sayaka was so tempted to shut her down, but some part of her absolutely hated the idea of upsetting the vampire. Funny, she used to enjoy provocation and petty squabbles.

Tell you what? That I’m so conflicted with my feelings? That I feel so confused it’s almost difficult to breathe? That your presence or absence affects me? That I can’t forgive myself over the thought of almost losing you? Damn it Jurina!

She wanted to say all those things but couldn’t even begin to weave the words. The last time she let people in her heart, they failed her miserably.

Sayaka scratched the back of her neck. “I’m scared…of getting attached.” She blurted out. It was a neutral statement–it was the truth.

“You’re my partner,” Jurina held on to the other girl’s shoulder. “I won’t leave you, whatever happens.”

Sayaka’s gaze fell to the floor, as if suddenly finding her own shoes captivating. “My mother said that once.” Her tone was laced with sadness and yearning and regret. “But she left. My father and sister too.”

Jurina knew she had opened the floodgates of something, something deep, dark and painful and she could not find it in herself to press on. “I’m sorry for overstepping my boundaries.” She respected Sayaka’s solitude. “If you wish for me to leave–”

“No, I want you to hear this.”

“Very well…” Jurina grew silent as she let the dhampir speak of her past.

“I was abandoned by my real parents but the mother and father I came to know loved me with all their hearts. Regrettably, life has a way to mess us up even further. Mother became a shade and was locked inside the attic; despair ate her inside out. Father tried to kill her before she lost it completely. He couldn’t do it; he was overcome by love and fear and vain hope that she would come back. So mother mangled him and my sister to pieces. Can you imagine how it felt when I came home to their innards painting the walls, mother smiling at me?”

Jurina gave her a look of absolute melancholy. Was it empathy or just pity? “Maybe. After killing so many of them. Maybe I could.” What did a pampered pureblood know about despair?  

The dhampir’s hands shook as she examined them, as if seeing all the blood spilled by her own feats. “She was my family and when I pulled that trigger, when her head exploded, I didn’t feel anything.” She let out a bitter laugh, “The Council summoned me after and since then, I’ve only kept killing to survive. I’m a monster who finds no remorse in death.”

It was clear to Jurina now why the incident of her drinking the dhampir’s blood left a strong response. Sayaka was afraid, mortified of history repeating.

Jurina locked her in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry.” Sorry for what? For letting Sayaka go through that fear again? For not knowing the dhampir earlier to ease her burden?  If she could pour out all her strength, all her devotion and kindness to Sayaka, she would.

No Jurina, you turning into a Shade isn’t the only thing that suffocates me; the fact that I can’t even begin to fathom the thought of losing you scares me to death.

If this is love, I don’t want it.

Before Sayaka could respond, Miyuki appeared behind them. “I apologize for interrupting, but Jurina-chan the Council beckons you. Rena-chan is already at the Shrine of Memories.”

Miyuki and the pureblood exchanged knowing glances before her gaze fell on her own servant, a million things already running in her mind.

.

.

.

.

.

They say love makes us strong;

Makes us hopeful,

Makes us whole.

They say love can conquer odds;

Despite time or distance;

I have only loved you completely,

passionately,

chastely,

But why does it hurt so much?

“Why?!” Jurina cried out, her voice resonating against the walls of the shrine building. Beside her, Rena stood silent, clasping her hands together while staring at the floor. Surrounding them were statues of white stone, their eyes obscured by pieces of red cloth. “It has come to our attention that you have both been showing signs of romantic affection. And though it disheartens us to arrive at this decision, we are merely acting according to the Laws of–” “Why?! Why is that so wrong?!”

“Jurina-sama, you should know very well that harboring romantic feelings for your master is forbidden. And you both have been shown guilty of this very act.” One of the Council members retorted. “These affairs you’ve been having are a violation of the vows you have sworn as only master and protector. You, Jurina-sama, are nothing more than her knight. To fall in love with her is simply–” Another tried to reason out. “Simply what?” Jurina would not hear any of it. Tears welled in her eyes. “What’s wrong with loving her?”

“Affairs between humans and vampires are proscribed because they produce dhampirs–those vile, disgraceful creatures.”

“You know nothing about them!” The young vampire took offense. “Jurina…” Rena attempted to placate her servant. Jurina’s emotions were all over the place and she feared it would do the vampire more harm than good to rebel against the Council.

“Rena-sama is beautiful and kind, she’s diligent with her work, and she cares for others. More than anything, she cares for me.”

The Council grunted and grumbled in disappointment.

“To not fall in love with her…is impossible.”

“Jurina, that’s enough!” Rena’s voice rose, she held the vampire’s shoulder. Although her heart almost leapt out of her chest, although every part of her was breaking, she was the rational one, she was the responsible one, she was the obedient one.

“R-Re…na?”

The senior member of the Council spoke, “Matsui Jurina, you are sentenced to 50 years of isolation in the Labyrinth of Shadows. Your release will be conditional. All your activities are put on hold as of this moment and you will be relieved from this institution until further notice.” Anti-magic chains were cuffed on Jurina’s wrist.

“Please stop.” Rena asserted. “I’ll take responsibility for this… So, don’t say anymore.” Her voice was calm and unwavering, even though Jurina could see droplets of tears forming at the rims.

Jurina felt Rena’s grip tighten on her shoulder.

“I’ll accept the punishment.” Rena would do anything within her power to protect her knight, at least this once, it was her turn to save Jurina. “Rena-sama, you can’t! Please don’t do this.” The chains that bound Jurina rattled as the council members fought to subdue her.

“It’s okay… It’ll be okay,” Rena coaxed, trying to reassure the crying vampire. “I don’t regret… loving you, Jurina.” Rena kissed her cheek, her lips touching the tears that streamed down. She gave a bittersweet smile before walking past Jurina’s inconsolable form, facing the Council. She pulled back the band holding her hair in a ponytail and allowed the raven locks to flow down her back. “As atonement for my actions, I shall relinquish myself as Matsui Jurina’s master. With this, I abdicate my family’s seat in the Council.” “No! No…you can’t! I refuse to accept it!” “Very well. Hand over your Lacryma ring.” Rena removed the ring from her finger, handing it to the senior member. She was then handed a small blue bottle. “With this elixir, you surrender all your memories. Everything will be as if it had never been. And you shall leave this place.” “Don’t… please, don’t leave me alone…Rena…” Despite the strong metal binding her, Jurina fought to stop the ritual. Rena turned back, wiping away a single tear as she gave one last smile.

“Goodbye… Jurina.”

With those words spoken, she lifted the elixir to her lips and drank in one swift gulp.

Jurina wept bitterly, still trying to reject the reality that was unfolding before her. Why was she so foolish? Why did this twisted restriction exist? Why could she not be free to love who she wished? How could something so pure and innocent be a sin?

Setting the vial down, Rena slowly walked back to the crying vampire. “Jurina…” She spoke lovingly, raising her hand to hold the vampire’s cheek and wipe away the fresh stream of tears. “As my last request… please don’t cry for me anymore. Someday, I want you to be happy.”

Even though it was against every fiber of her being, everything that loved Rena, even as she cried, Jurina could not deny her or disobey. She knew she had to fulfill Rena’s wish, even if it only brought her anguish.

“As you wish…Master.”

Rena’s eyes then sealed close as she collapsed.

Jurina caught her before she hit the floor, kneeling down as she cradled the most important existence in her life. She choked on a sob, “Goodnight, Rena-sama.”

…

As Sayaka returned from the rooftop, she saw Rena down the hall, being led by a much older woman. Her once sanguine eyes were now downcast as she headed toward the main doorway of the Academy.

“Rena-san?” Sayaka called out, catching the human’s attention. “Where are you going?”

Rena gave her a puzzled look. She ignored Sayaka and continued her regular course.

“Hey, wait!” Sayaka ran to her, grabbing her by the arm. “Did you see Jurina? What did the Council have to say?”

“W-what are you talking about?” Rena answered, backing away slightly at the sudden intrusion of this nameless stranger. “Who’s Jurina?”

“Wh-?”

“Excuse me,” The old woman forced Sayaka to release the former master. She then nodded at the human, “You may go, Rena-sama. I’ll have a word with this student.”

“All right.” Rena quickly left, heading towards the exit.

“What’s going on here? Why doesn’t she–”

“Matsui Rena-sama has relinquished her duties here,” the woman explained. “The Council has performed an Overwrite.”

Sayaka furrowed her brows. “Overwrite…? What the hell is that?”

“To put in simple terms, she had her memories of her time here as Matsui Jurina’s master wiped from her.” “What? Why would you–Jurina wouldn’t…”

“I know you’re new and you probably weren’t informed, but I will tell you now so the same mistake would not be made. Rena-sama and Jurina-sama acted against the Laws vowed between master and protector, and as punishment, Rena-sama took it upon herself to step down from her position and abandon her memories.”

“So what now? Jurina’s without a master?”

“Don’t fret. The Council should be preparing a new master for her, as we speak.” …

The silver moon was the witness to her cries of misery. Jurina wept under the night sky, holding her knees as she bitterly cried over Rena’s departure. She was on the verge of letting herself waste away until sun rise. Perhaps, it would be less painful to burn to death than to endure a life without her master.

“I know you wanted me to be happy… but, Rena-sama… I… I can’t…do this….”

While drowning in her thoughts, a new voice broke her from her reverie. “Will you be okay? Dawn is approaching.” She looked back and saw a young girl, a high schooler? Short brown hair framed the girl’s face like a japanese doll. Jurina quickly wiped away her tears, she hated being seen in such a vulnerable state.

“I apologize for my unsightly appearance, my lady.” She struggled to maintain composure. “Would you unburden your heart upon me?”

“I-I… don’t want to talk about it.”

“I understand. But still, here, take it.” The girl pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to Jurina.

As she accepted, that’s when she saw it;

A ring on her finger, white stone glistened like the brightest of stars. The very same one that Rena once wore. The vampire lifted her chin, her eyes wide. “…Who are you?” “Forgive me for not introducing myself first.” The girl bowed. “My name is Miyawaki Sakura. As of this moment, I am bound to you, Jurina-san.” This dainty girl, Sakura, was her new master.

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 15-281 Autumn

Memory V: Retribution

Jurina’s actions were not without punishment, of course. But, thanks in part to Rena relinquishing herself and fully accepting her fate, the burden of Jurina’s punishment had been lightened. Instead of 50 years in an ever-changing and mind-scrambling labyrinth, she now only had to spend one month wandering in there.

All alone, with only her memories of what once were.

She cried for her until her eyes were sore, red and puffy, and her voice grew hoarse from her bitter weeping. Every moment she closed her eyes for sleep, she dreamed only of Rena. Those dreams which once made her heart warm and brought her serenity, not only gave her heartbreak and restless nights.

She began to think years in the Labyrinth of Shadows would be far less painful than this. That letting her mind shatter from multiple dead ends and ghosts of the past haunting her, would cause her less suffering than a life without Rena by her side.

Chains at her wrists, curled up in her own corner of the maze, she grasped onto the Polaris cross around her neck.

“Astraea-sama… give me salvation… before this despair claims me…”

….

Miyuki sat comfortably, drinking her afternoon tea and browsing through the book she sequestered the last time Sayaka raided an old church library turned sanctum for Shades. She enjoyed getting trinkets from Sayaka’s missions.

The dhampir emerged from her master’s chambers, elegantly wrapped boxes of clothes stacked like a tower in her arms. “Where did you want these annoying textiles?”

“They’re the latest parisian fashion Sayaka, don’t be so tasteless. Put them in the corner and join me for some tea.”

“Oui oui, Mademoiselle Belle!” The dhampir jested. She accomplished her task before sitting beside her master.

“Why have you been spending time in my room so often?” Miyuki raised a brow, her tone highly inquisitive. “It’s quite unusual, are you ill?”

“I am not.” Sayaka was quick to rebuff. She poured tea for Miyuki before having her own.

“Hmmmmm, are you love sick then?”

Sayaka almost coughed out her tea. “Hell no!”

Miyuki’s fingers fumbled with a french macaron on her plate. “I’m your master, I know your heart, Sayaka-chan.”

“Of course you do, Miyuki. You’ve been playing me for so long.” The dhampir snorted, she was stopping herself from guffawing.

“You have to give me more credit. With a thick-headed servant like you, other Masters would have forced you into submission long ago.” Miyuki was every bit correct. Her relationship with Sayaka was unheard of. There was no formality between them, no honorifics or docility. The dhampir enjoyed her freedom much fully than others but she was unmistakably loyal to her human custodian.

“Well, if it wasn’t me, any other minion would bore you to death.” Sayaka knew Miyuki’s preferences, things she disliked, small nuances in her personality that other people would gloss over. It was surprising, the dhampir was not one to follow any authority figure but Miyuki was special, Miyuki was fun and interesting.

“True, you provide me much needed entertainment in this mundane life.”

“You make it sound like I’m just a tool, I’m hurt.” Sayaka feigned being offended.

The human snickered. “Well, so what’s really  bothering you?”

“Why do you and Jurina always assume something’s up when I get all friendly?”

“Because Jurina-chan and I find it highly suspicious.”

“How’s Jurina?” Sayaka turned serious, it has been three weeks since she last saw the pureblood after the latter’s punishment took effect.

“She’s holding on. The Labyrinth of Shadows is a torture chamber, but it only manifests the darkest parts of your soul. It won’t show you what’s not there.” Miyuki opposed the vampire’s punishment but she could not gather enough support to veto it.

“I hate these archaic laws of your people. Those purebloods too, they’re all fanatics.” Sayaka tried to fight her way into the Labyrinth to haul Jurina’s ass out of there one time. But she was greeted by a whole delegation from The Sect and it was impossible to resist.

“Me too.” Miyuki sighed deeply. “But we’ll see her soon. Besides, her new master has been religiously visiting her everyday. Don’t think that Jurina would falter that easily.”

“New master, huh?”

“Sakura-chan may be inexperienced but she’s genuine.”

“She’s young, only 16 summers or so. I guess something like that would be natural.”

“Still, I’m worried. It won’t be easy for Jurina to open up to Sakura-chan, moreover, let go of her feelings for Rena. But, if she doesn’t soon…” Miyuki frowned, setting down her tea. “She could very well become consumed by despair and enter the first stage of catharsis.” If Jurina allows the Labyrinth to consume her, the Council would dispose of her without second thought.

“I’ll kill her before that happens.”

“I’m sure you’d be ordered to.” Miyuki held Sayaka by the chin, urging the dhampir to look at her. “I know you feel for her quite strongly, so hear me out when I tell you this…” She wasn’t hard to figure out, really.

Sayaka was at a loss for words at the sudden intrusion to her personal space. Talking about her emotions was something she would never be well-versed in. She did not know how to respond to her master’s insinuation.

“Rena is an existence you cannot eclipse. But you give her strength in a different way, Sayaka. Jurina will come back to us.”

The dhampir’s gaze fell to her side, as if embarrassed. “Why are we having this conversation, Miyuki?”

“Because I’m the only one you’d listen to. You should be more honest with yourself. It’s all right to want something…or someone, Sayaka.”

…

Sakura crouched down to her servant’s body sprawled out on the stone floor. Gently, she lifted Jurina’s head to rest on her lap.

The vampire’s eyes languidly opened, she was greeted by her new master’s earnest countenance. “Sakura-sama, is it really you? Or am I still dreaming?”

“You are indeed awake, please don’t overexert yourself.” Sakura prevented Jurina from rising up, as the other girl attempted to pay respect.

“I apologize that you have to see me like this.” Jurina’s time in the Labyrinth broke her spirit; the pallor of her skin, the dark circles around her eyes, the fragility of her hair and weakness in her voice–all of it was alarming. “I have only brought you discomfort since,”

The human tried to wipe away the dirt that sullied the vampire’s face. “Jurina-san, I cannot replace what your heart has lost. But I will try with everything I have to ease your burden.”

“I do not deserve my lady’s kindness.” Jurina grasped the hand that lay on her cheek with all the life left in her.

*~*~*~*

New Star Calendar 15-287, Autumn

Memory VI: Passion

Less than a week had passed like nothing. The air was starting to turn crisp from the coming winter, and the clouds in the night sky hid the stars and the moon. Finally, Jurina’s confinement in the Labyrinth of Shadows came to an end. Sayaka was informed by the head sentinel that Jurina was ready for extraction.

She was led by the guard clad in black armor, the maze shifting its pathways to make a straight path to Jurina’s location. Sayaka looked past the guard to see her partner, collapsed on the ground.

“Jurina!” Sayaka quickly ran to Jurina’s side, distraught with what she saw. The vampire had lost weight, and was deathly pale. The bottoms of her feet were covered in dirt and scratches. The anti-magic chains left red ring marks on both her wrists.

“Damn old bastards! How can they do this to you?” Sayaka supported the vampire.

“At ease, Sayaka” Jurina rasped, still trying to maintain military decorum. “Let’s go home.”

…

Miyawaki Sakura sat on the divan, her hands tightly grasping the fabric of her skirt as she waited for Miyuki’s next words.

The older master paced to and fro her suite’s salon adorned with an old oak center table and a leather chesterfield. She rubbed her chin. “So, what you’re saying is that you inherited Rena’s consciousness?” Miyuki was a bit skeptic of Sakura’s claim, in all honesty.

“Indeed, Miyuki-san… I was given her strategic expertise, her archives, her memories…everything.”

Miyuki stopped pacing, “Everything? Even her feelings?” Her words were almost tinged with exasperation. “I don’t know how The Council does their ‘Overwrites’ but–”

“Not her emotions; it’s impossible to absorb that. Still, I ‘remember’ her fondness towards Jurina-san.”

“That saves us the effort to teach you how these battles are fought.” The older girl sighed in relief. “And also saves us from a rather sticky situation…”

Sakura looked at her quizzically.

“Sakura, you see…my servant has become quite attached to Jurina. And as her Master, I would do anything to safeguard her feelings. I can’t have you complicating things…”

“I don’t understand what you mean. They’re partners, it’s only natural to be so attached. I cannot grasp just where I stand in that equation, Miyuki-san.”

Miyuki flopped to the seat beside Sakura, holding her by the cheek.  “My dear girl, it’s amoré.”

“A-amore?” Sakura’s cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink. “You mean ‘love’?!”

“Philia, Pragma, Mania, Ludus, Storge, Agape, Eros. Whatever you call it, darling.”

“E-e-eros?!” Sakura blushed even harder.

Miyuki chuckled. “Could it be… you’re a virgin?”

“Miyuki-san, I’m sixteen!”

The older woman smiled, seeing Sakura get so embarrassed, her ears were turning red. “Sweet sixteen, I see. You’ll find the garden of roses quite enticing.” She then stood. “Well, I’m glad you took some time to visit me. Sayaka and Jurina will return soon, shall we make our preparations, Sakura-chan?”

“Preparations?”

Miyuki pulled her by the hand as they made their way to the kitchen.

Sakura stopped from walking, “But you know Miyuki-san….with Rena-san’s memories… It almost felt like she knew The Council would do this and that she was trying to make Jurina-san rely on other people in her absence.”

Was that why you were adamantly requesting for a partner for Jurina? Despite the fact that she didn’t need one? Did you know you would leave, Rena? Miyuki speculated in her mind.

….

Sayaka lifted her gaze from polishing the barrel of her handgun as loud knocking echoed. She proceeded to receive the person at her doorstep. “Who is it?”

She found Jurina in the corridor, covered only by her sleeping robe. Her expression was one thing Sayaka couldn’t quite piece together, but she was sure the vampire was mildly shaking. “What’s wrong, Jurina? Have you reported to Sakura already?” They parted ways a few hours ago after arriving at the academy. Sayaka resolved that it was proper for Jurina to confer with her new master first, the pleasantries between them could wait.

Jurina did not speak, without the dhampir even inviting, she walked into her partner’s quarters.

“H-hey,”

When the vampire lifter her gaze, she did not look Sayaka in the eye. Suddenly, the decrepit old world map that hung on the wall was more captivating. “I thought I wasn’t coming back.” Jurina whispered.

“But you did. You’re just too stubborn to kill.” The dhampir tried to make light the stifling atmosphere around them. It was their first real conversation after Jurina’s time in the Labyrinth. She could only imagine the horrors that haunted the girl there. “Take a seat, I’ll get you something hot to drink.”

Before Sayaka could even take another step, Jurina grabbed her by the wrist. “I dreamt of you. Well, it was mostly about Rena, but you were there…many times.” The vampire finally locked gazes with her partner. Her amber eyes glistened against the light of the fireplace.

What was this girl doing? Did the Labyrinth mess her up too much? A few screws loose? Sayaka was bewildered. She attempted to play it cool, “Was I trying to slay you?” She let out an awkward laugh.

“No… you were…we were…” Jurina’s voice trailed off.

Sayaka breathed in deeply, as if trying to compose herself. “You’re tired. Get some rest, J.” She fought hard to sound neutral, Jurina’s fingers interlocked with her hand and a jolt of electricity shot through her spine. Her mind could barely register what was happening.

“Sayaka…I…” It was then and there that Jurina’s facade shattered. She started sobbing uncontrollably. Her shoulders shook as her and Sayaka’s twined fingers unraveled.

“What did they do to you? Tell me? I won’t forgive them–” As Jurina buried herself in Sayaka’s chest, the dhampir felt her blood boil, the sight of her partner suffering, breaking down, filled her with indignation that she was sure she could go out on a rampage. That torture chamber should be outlawed, she would burn The Council to the ground if she had to.

“I want to die…I want to die…” Jurina repeated over and over again as Sayaka enveloped her in a tight embrace. She felt like a hole was being burned through her heart, like her lungs were flooding with water. Was she spiraling into catharsis? Was she finally losing herself?

Rena’s departure, her family’s unbelievable expectations, the Council’s disappointment, everyone’s judgment, the thought of failing Sakura, her new master–Jurina wanted to just disappear.

“Look at me. Look at me, it’s over. Those ghosts won’t reach you” Sayaka tried to calm her. She urged Jurina to meet her gaze. “You promised you won’t leave me.” Her hold on the vampire did not falter.

Jurina’s whimpering eased for a moment. “I’m so afraid…that you’re not real too.” The Labyrinth of Shadows chained her to her misery, showed her what she wanted, gave her what she feared. It was a realm of illusions, a dungeon that broke her over and over again.

“Sayaka, I need–” Before she could speak further, Sayaka captured her lips. The kiss was scorching and impatient, slick with lust. The dhampir’s lips were soft and disarming that Jurina swore she would melt and drop on her knees if not for her partner’s grip on her back and hips.

Jurina caressed the sides of Sayaka’s face, fingers trailing from the dhampir’s cheek to her clavicle. Tongues battled for dominance as threads of saliva hung from their lips each time they plunged and withdrew from each other’s mouth in an almost animalistic frenzy.

Sayaka’s real, she’s warm, supple, fragrant; she’s here.

The vampire was panting breathlessly while undoing the buttons of Sayaka’s tunic. Deft fingers trailed circles on the dhampir’s toned abdomen. “Stop me now.” Jurina leaned in so that their foreheads touched. A little more and she swore it was the point of no return.

“No. Tell me you want this.” Sayaka moaned as her partner sucked on the sensitive flesh just below her ear; fingernails digging into her arm and hips. Carnal desire filled her with unbearable wanting. Her hand found its way inside Jurina’s nightgown, proceeding to disrobe her. “…as much as I do.”

Jurina pushed Sayaka to the bed, falling just above the older girl forthwith. Her lips hovered over her partner’s face, her knees buried on the mattress on each side of Sayaka. “Let me lose myself in you.” She finally discarded Sayaka’s blouse and dove into her chest, leaving red marks in the wake of her kisses.

“As you wish.” Sayaka yanked Jurina, skillfully maneuvering her body so that she was now on top of the vampire. “Tonight, you won’t remember anything else.” Her fingers sank between Jurina’s thighs, stifling the vampire’s moans with feverish kisses as she worked her body senseless.

Over and over and over again, without time to think or to speak, without time to resist– waves of pleasure tore Jurina’s body apart. Her mind was a rupture of colors, her senses filled with their mingling scents, her hands fisting on the bed sheets. The vampire’s body grew hypersensitive that the mere brush of Sayaka’s fingers made her quiver.

Back arched, mouth agape, eyes tightly closed.

Her body trembling and her breathing all frantic.

Each time she rode her high, she could only moan Sayaka’s name.

Yamamoto Sayaka was her damnation.

Yamamoto Sayaka was her salvation.

Whichever it truly was, she did not seem to care anymore.

.

.

.

.

.

When the sun rose, their limbs were still tangled beneath the sheets. Sayaka couldn’t remember how many times they made love last night, her body ached in all the right places and love marks were scattered about on both their skins. She glanced to her side and found Jurina still sleeping. Although her strength was spent, for the first time in a very long while, Sayaka was at peace. She closed her eyes again, willing herself to submit to the lullaby of Jurina’s soft breathing.

When she awoke the second time, Jurina was watching her.

“Good morning,” the vampire greeted, a fresh flush of red tinted her cheeks.

What is she? A virgin? Sayaka almost laughed at her partner’s hesitant voice. “Good morning, are you well?” She responded.

“Why don’t you hate me?” Came Jurina’s abrupt question.

It wasn’t the best ‘morning-after’ debriefing Sayaka imagined.

“Look, I don’t feel like a rebound, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“But to suddenly ask from you this…this…” The vampire could not find it in herself to continue her own sentence.

“I wanted that…I wanted you. No more arguments.” Sayaka was always frank, never one to mince words just to appeal to others.

Jurina nodded then stared at the ceiling, “During my time in the Labyrinth, I would dream of you often. It confused me very much. Then, that night when you came for me, I was sure… I felt something strongly.”

“I don’t expect you to let go of Rena so easily. But I’m feeling what I’m feeling and it won’t disappear anytime soon.” Sayaka sighed, but her words were woven with understanding and patience. She knew how it felt to start over, to regain the feeling of your legs after a nasty fall.

“It wouldn’t be as troublesome if you hated me instead.” Suddenly, the turbulent days from the past, back when they were both still struggling to understand, more so tolerate each other, seemed less complicated.

“But I don’t. So stop stressing too much.” Sayaka shifted to her side, a bit annoyed at her partner’s brooding.

“Rena once said that she wanted me to be a ‘light’ to you.” Jurina drew closer and wrapped her right arm around Sayaka’s waist. “But it seems you’re the one who’s keeping me alive.” She buried her face on the dhampir’s back. Sayaka smelled like rain, and lilies and gunpowder.

Sayaka held Jurina’s hand on her hip. “Just get some sleep.” She interlocked their fingers. “I’ll stay in with you until noon.”

*~*~*~*

Present time: Winter

The smell of blood reeked in the air; death would finally end its long courtship.

How did it all come to this again?

Sayaka remembered being impaled by something, It was sharp and big, it came right through her ribs.

Was it a Claw? A tailbone? A fang?

Ah, we were fighting a snow leviathan conjured by The Necromancer. A mighty demon from the Book of the End.

We had him cornered, almost defeated but that devil escaped!

She felt its large tooth break through her flesh; she saw red liquid gush out of her body before collapsing. She wanted to fight, wanted to chase down the damned devil that played with life and death. But her body wouldn’t move. She couldn’t even lift a finger.

The kiss of the snow against her skin,

Jurina’s cries,

Her shaking hands;

Lingering feelings of warmth.

I saved her, I ran without even thinking…just to save her.  

Sayaka lost consciousness.

.

.

.

.

 There was darkness, infinite darkness like a cage that constricted her breathing. Light came to her in small flickering flashes.

“She won’t last another night.”

“You’re lying! Shut up, you’re lying!” Miyuki’s voice rang defiantly.

“Miyuki-san, please get a hold of yourself.” Now it was Miyawaki.

“Do something or I will destroy this campus. It matters not if they execute me.”

Then it was Jurina–full of rage,

Full of hurt,

Full of desperation.

“Don’t be an idiot, J.” Sayaka wanted to say, but darkness claimed her.

…

The next time the dhampir came to, she recognized the ceiling of her room. Her body felt like lead and her lungs burned. It was a pain to even try to sit up.

Her vision readjusted and she found Miyuki running immediately to her aid.  

“Sayaka, don’t move too much! You’ll re-open your wounds!” She noticed the bandages all over her body, bloodstains were particularly heavier on her torso area.

“Why am I alive?” Sayaka rasped; it almost sounded like she was irritated that her demise had been undone.

Miyuki swore she would hit her servant in the face if not for the dhampir’s injuries. “Can’t you be thankful instead? You jerk!” Although her words were harsh, tears were actually welling in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I was trying to be funny…”

“Don’t. Everyone’s on the edge just to bring you back.”

“How did you do it?” Sayaka was sure it was her final curtain call. There was no hope in cheating death, and yet her she was.

“I didn’t.” Her master’s voice was firm, “Jurina revived you.”

“What is she now? The Virgin Mother?” At that, Miyuki struck the back of Sayaka’s head.

“Ow! Easy on the hemorrhage, woman!”

The human handler was furious. “She gave a fragment of her soul to save you! You unbelievable heathen!”

“It’s alright Miyuki-chan. Sayaka’s alive, it’s all that matters.” Jurina’s voice interrupted their banter, followed by the slow closing of the door. Both occupants of the room couldn’t break their gazes from the new comer.

The vampire made her way to Sayaka and Miyuki. An eerie veil of calm graced her features. Her raven hair had grown out past her shoulders and her left iris was noticeably ash grey.  “You’re finally awake.” Her voice was leveled, almost frosted.

Sayaka was expecting a warm hug, a whiny chiding or some show of affection. Not this…not this empty reaction.

“Y-yo.” The dhampir greeted her with mixed feelings. If Matsui Jurina choses to put up her walls then Sayaka would respond accordingly. “Been a while Juri–” She was unable to complete her sentence.

Jurina collapsed on Sayaka’s bedside,  holding onto the latter’s arm in an iron grip; as if fearing that her partner would disappear. Tears rolled down from her normal eye. “I…I missed you so much.”

Sayaka ran her fingers through the vampire’s long hair, urging her to calm down. “I’m back.” She whispered against Jurina’s ear, her voice brimming with life.

…

Vampires have a fragment of Polaris in their souls,

It allows them to use magic;

Makes them immortal.

A full squad of soldiers carried out their offensive stratagem, reaping through the hoard of Shades that came to besiege North Star Academy. Spells and curses filled the air like fireworks; gunfire and clanging of blades echoed as the creatures of darkness fell one by one against the purest of snows.

“Maintain your positions, don’t let any of them get past the gates!” Sayaka bellowed, her succeeding orders were executed in swift, precise fashion by her subordinates.

I’m a dhampir; half-vampire, half human.

An Abomination, a disgrace…a weakling.

“Woah, looks like our lonewolf has finally matured into a leader.” Miyuki teased before releasing a flurry of slashes from her enormous scythe. Heads instantly rolled from each swipe. She stood beside her servant with taunting confidence as she smirked.

They’ve called me many names.

But it didn’t break me.

“What are you doing in the front lines?!”

“I can’t miss out on all the fun, now can I?” Her master proceeded to effortlessly behead their opponents.

“Captain watch out!” One of her members casted a fire burst against a frosted claw emerging out of the snow under them.

The dhampir gave a nod of gratitude before pulling out her guns and shooting down every hostile target within her perimeter–all head shots.

My fragment is supposedly broken.

But due to some twist of fate,

A gust of wind blew past them and instantly, the Shades shattered like crystal ornaments.  A familiar figure decked in an immaculate military uniform emerged out of the gale, cape drawn as if protecting someone.

A precious person gave part of her soul to save my life.

The fragment of Polaris inside me, the Black Star, has sparked anew.

“Always with the flashy entrance…” Sayaka groaned.

A bright grin was pasted on Jurina’s face. “Save some for us, guys!” Sakura stepped out of the White Knight’s cape. “Dance to your heart’s content, Master.” the vampire bowed gallantly.

Sakura nodded, her choice of weapon was a thin luminous whip which minced the Shades that tried to advance. “This is really exciting.”

Miyuki clapped, her eyes beaming with pride. “She’s growing into a nice Domina, isn’t she?”

“Don’t tell me you gave her that weapon….your fetishes scares me.” The dhampir side commented.

“Oh shut up! I’m sure Jurina’s enjoys it.”

Jurina frowned, covering her master’s ears. “Don’t say such embarrassing things, Miyuki-chan! Sakura-sama is too pure for this kind of talk!”

Miyuki couldn’t help but giggle.

Just then, a livid shriek caught their attention. All gazes were fixed on the approaching snow golem that plowed through the woods. It’s height could easily be compared to a grown Sequoia.

Sayaka and Jurina turned to their masters in perfect synchronization, as if waiting for their directive.

“Please destroy the assailant.” Sakura gave her order.

“I want it decapitated, fast.” Miyuki made a slicing gesture across her neck.

My name is Yamamoto Sayaka,

My partner is Matsui Jurina.

Both soldiers switched to full offense. They sprinted side by side, with weapons drawn, towards their target.

“Better not slow me down.” Sayaka remarked.

“You wish!”

We are soldiers, blood warriors.

We swore to protect this earth;

To destroy Shades;

Sayaka rained bullets on the fiends that tried to overwhelm them.

To hunt down The Necromancer;

To bring peace among all races.

The White Knight sliced her way through.

“This will be a feast!” Havoc boiled under Sayaka’s skin. The dhampir unsheathed a broad saber that she had customized with a gun muzzle, she had just began using it for close combat–not more than a week actually.

Jurina flicked her sword drenched in black blood. “I’m getting fired up!” The battlefield was a strong aphrodisiac after all.

They landed blow after blow against the snow golem, a barrage of assaults that brought it to its knees. The two warriors seemed like they were dancing, each hit was a continuation of a song. Some would fear that the two women were possessed, enjoying the heat of battle to their heart’s content.

Sayaka raised her free hand to the sky, as if summoning the heavens to open. Thunder rumbled, and the clouds began to swirl around her. A dhampir using elemental magic was unheard of. Then again, Yamamoto Sayaka, in her second life, was no ordinary half-blood.

The war against the darkness is upon us;

A bolt of lightning hit the golem, covering it with sparks of electric currents and flames.

And this is only the beginning.

.

.

.

.

FIN.

#yamamoto sayaka #matsui jurina #watanabe miyuki #matsui rena #jurinee #fanfiction #akb48 #ske48 #hkt48 #nmb48 #sayajuri #black star #smut #jurisaku #wmatsui #sayamilky #miyawaki sakura

[ifuthinkmylifeismessyseemyhair]

hey, quarantine day 41!

i can’t believe i’m doing consecutive posts lmao so proud of myself, today was great

i did most of my usual things such as waking up at 9 because of the construction sounds and lay in bed scrolling through insta and tiktoks till t called me for breakfast .. oh but today i cooked! because i wanted to eat mushrooms with salad 🥗 who would have thought those things must be cook before eat ahahhaah so i need to use a pan, and yep that’s how french toasts happened! was kinda proud of the result! it’s sooo good or maybe because of butter i used, idk😂

after that like every other days, i spent three hours doing nth work related.. annoying c with my music and occasionally walk inside the house to find some snacks

oh! i did order sunflower seed 🌻 and some fertilizer today! reallly exciteddd 🥺 also did some research not for my sr but for planting😂 who would have thought planting is sooo complicated.. and yep at around 6 pm, i started working and then stopped at 8 pm because i was hungry but hey i was very proud, eventhough it was short but it was 2 productive hours!!! lmao

after that i went upstairs because i want to sleep fast and start tmr right, promising myself i will go to sleep before midnight.. wait that rhymes

however, i ended up playing guitar that’s why i slept late.. (not because i’m writing this post) can’t wait to play new songs tmr!!! i’ve learned the intro today! was very happpppppy

lately i felt very light headed when i play guitar eventhough i’m suck but i really like when my mind goes blank.. let’s see how long before i get bored and go back to be an unproductive potato that i am 🥔 another of my hidden talent,

fast forward, now it’s 2:59 AM.. again.. and yep, i have been telling myself to start new day right (because i fucked up the day before) for like 2 weeks now baabababahaha but it’s okay, it’s life right? my motto

fyi: i have bought this candle like 4 years ago and just decided to lit it up today because hmm i dont know too, just felt like doing it

annnnnnnd that’s all for today folksssss, dont wanna call this my quarantine routine because i felt like there’re some differences in each day.. even slightly but trust me, if you look closely, you will find that even the smallest things can change your day, if you let it, however, got to admit, some days i don’t even bother trying to look because i was being annoying and depressing garbage that i am jk

today i’m in a good mood :)

okay, i should go to sleep now....

nitenite, oh lastly, i wanted to end this post with something i’ve learned from this week since tmr is Mondayyy (well technically now it’s 2:28 so it’s already monday but whatever)

this week was tense but not that dense ....HAHAHAHAHAHAH but yeah okay, i’m going to be serious for once like i’ve said in my last post,

i know, no matter how much fancy words i wrote here either to express/vent/complain to make me feel better, i will still constantly thinking about all the uncertainties and possibilities, about my future, about my past and i can’t change that because that’s who i am lol, an overthinker and also, i don’t believe feelings can ever be completely erased once it occurred and i don’t want to delete it neither, but what i do believe is that it can change, you just need to find a direction

i’m kinda proud of myself for letting go of expectations bit by bit :) even just a bit, it’s a progress🌈💫✨

let’s count how many times i used the word “proud” and “lmao” in this post lmao okay for real, i’m out

nitenite

[rayrayswimusic]

Tag Game

tagged by: @yourplisetsky​ (thanks love <3)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST…

Drink: chocolate milkshake

Phone call: my mom I think? I don’t speak on the phone too much

Text message: I think ....Sydney? one of my uni friends...or my sister (I don’t have my phone rn)

Song you listened to: Tere Liye from Veer Zaara 

Time you cried: Last friday...

HAVE YOU…

Dated someone twice: mate I’ve never dated anyone...

Kissed someone and regretted it: psh...that requires having kissed someone before...

Been cheated on: hahahahhah...no

Lost someone special: yes

Been depressed: ...I’m not sure...I think so?

Gotten drunk and thrown up: haven’t ever drank nor do I plan to

Made new friends: yes

Fallen out of love: ...idek if I’ve fallen in love? I don’t really trust whatever the hell I’ve felt for the past few years for a  couple reasons

Laughed until you cried: no...I don’t think so? 

Found out someone was talking about you: I mean...yeah ofc...both bad and really bad...(a couple good times tho...for example, my best friend once had a conversation with her then boy friend praising me???)

Met someone who changed you: I’d like to think so but really idk? Does that kind of stuff actually happen?

Found out who your friends are: I’m too jaded to ever fully trust someone to know if they’re my true friends haha

Kissed someone from your Facebook list: ....the fuck? no....

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nah 

Lost glasses/contact lenses: hahahahhahahh almost one time but luckily I found it before sitting on it xD (they were black and blended into my car seats)

Turned someone down: lol no one has asked me out...and honestly...if you do...I’d like you to seriously reconsider xD

Sex on the first date: good lord nah

Broken someone’s heart: ...I srsly hope I haven’t?

Had your heart broken: romantically? no...the one time I confessed I expected to be rejected...so not really? but friends/family? absolutely....on a near yearly basis pretty much lol

Been arrested: nope

Cried when someone died: idk anyone who’s died....

Fallen for a friend: technically yes...but it’s complicated?

Kissed on the first date: again never kissed or been kissed

GENERAL

List 3 favorite colors: lime green, teal, baby blue

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all of them?

Do you have any pets: nope!

Do you want to change your name: nah I love my name!

What time did you wake up: today?...10:40am I think? tho I fell asleep around 3am and it’s a Sunday xD

What were you watching at midnight last night: Dan and Phil videos I think?

Name something you can’t wait for: I ordered these really cool pencils that I love!! Can’t wait omg

When was the last time you saw your mom: I live with her so 10 minutes ago

What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I’d like to think that everything I’ve been through has shaped me for who I am....but honestly I wish I could delete the entirety of grades 5-8...

What are you listening to right now: still Tere Liye (it’s on repeat xD)

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i don’t think so?

Something that is getting on your nerves right now: nm rn....Idk...I’m usually in a perpetual state of annoyance to certain things tho...

Most visited website: youtube and Ao3

Mole/s: none

Mark/s: quite a fiew

Childhood dream: architect! I didn’t get encouraged in art tho so I changed my mind....glad to be aiming to be a doctor tho!

Do you have a crush on someone: nah...but reallly idk what my messed up self feels...I’m currently ignoring emotions so that I can have a semblance of calm lol

What do you like about yourself: ....idk?

Piercings: just my ears

Blood type: type A+ I think?

Nickname: Ray Ray/Ray/Ray of sunshine/idk...

Relationship status: single 

Zodiac: sagittarius

Pronouns: she/her

Favorite TV show: Sherlock!

Tattoos: none

Right or left hand: ambidextrous favouring the right

Surgery: as in have I had surgery? nope

Hair dyed in different color: nope still black!

Sport: I swam till I entered uni...haven’t had time since then

Vacation: yeah! I’m heading to the states in a couple weeks (tho technically im on break rn till September xD

Pair of trainers: what does this even mean...like do I own them? yes...do I wear them...only if i have to

Current and all-time best friend name: the fuck idk....

Eye color: weird chocolate/mud brown?

Favorite movie: probably Matilda

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or kisses: I haven’t had the second one...but honestly hugs

Lips or eyes: eyes

Shorter or taller: don’t care

Nice arms or stomach: for me? stomach pleaseeee.....my perceptions of others? whatever the hell they want...i really don’t care

Sensitive or loud: sensitive

Hook up or relationship: relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Yourself: ....

Miracles: ...

Love at first sight: ...nah

Santa Claus: hahah I wish I still did!

tagging: @daiyanerd, @chelleinhelle, @okaeri-nasaii, @daiyanodumpster, @pagsywagsy, @katsukifatale, @karasunovolleygays, @n3rdlif343va, @fullmetalkarneval13, @swiftgirl01, @teimi, @leviheichoumasterofsass, @puppybek, @amirahleigh, @onwardtovictuuri, @potclean, @emerald-imperial, @queenofaburiedkingdom, @ladyspiderqueen, @aarglebaargle

#tagged #about me #ray ray rambles #lol it took me so long to find people i actually speak to lol xD

[lovemenowmr]

Chapter sixteen

I was already cooking one of the last pancakes when I felt someone walking through the corridor, I smiled thinking of sleepy Marco waking up without me and getting up to find me.

"You woke up just on time" I said "I'm almost finished"

I turned around and the person who was in the kitchen definetely Marco, there was a woman who looked like she was on her fifties. She had blonde mid-lenght hair and shef was dressed for the cold, she was carrying four shopping bags in her hands and was looking at me wide-eyed.

"I'm Manuela" she said "Marco's mother"

I stood frozen with the spatula on my hand and my eyes fixed on her. I couldn't believe I was on Marco's kitchen wearing just one of his shirts while meeting Marco's mother for the first time. I was thanking the lord he was so tall and I was so short the shirt reached my knees and I wasn't flashing anything.

"You mus be Adela, am I right?" she asked,

"I am" I said shocked.

I didn't know how the hell she knew my name, well I guess Marco has told her but I was just so embarrased I was still kind of frozen in the kitchen. I was just sure this wasn't a good first impression.

"Come here" she said giving me a hug "Marco hasn't told us much about you but Nico has, the little boy really adores you. It's so good to finally meet you"

"Oh, I... it's good to meet you too" I said shyly.

"Don't be so shy, girl" Manuela said "I know my kids and Marco seems serious about you so we were going to meet sooner or later. I uderstand now why he didn't need me to come, though. I think that thingyou're cooking is getting burnt sweetheart"

"Oh shit" I said taking the pan out of the heat and throwing the burnt pancake away and then putting everything on the sink since I couldn't cook anymore with it.

"So, how's Marco dealing with the injury" she said.

"He says he's fine but I think he's a little frustrated, he tries to hide it though" I said "But he's almost fine again"

"Okay, thanks for taking after him this past days" Manuela said smiling.

"Oh, it's really nothing" I said shyly.

"It is" she said "Marco can be a whiny baby sometimes, he's always complaining"

"I can handle it" I said laughing.

She was really nice and hadn't seemed to notice what my oufit was implying, or at least she hadn't made any remarks about it, which I was grateful for. I don't know if I had survived if she had said something, I would have honestly die of embarrasement.

"So, you're studing here righ" she said.

I told her about my studies and how did I ended up in Dortmund and not any other city and a little about where I came from because I love my hometown so much I couldn't help but drift the topic in any conversation. And she was listening happily and asking little things about what I was telling her when she wanted to kow a litle more.

"Liebe, why aren't you on bed?" we heard Marco said going down the streets "It's to early to be up and making breakfast, come back"

He got in the kitchen and look surprised between his mother an me.

"Mom, what are you doig here?" he asked.

"I came to bring you some food since I didn't know how bad the injury was" she said "If I had known Adela was here already I wouldn't have bothered but you didn't tell me"

"I told you it wasn't bad" she said giving she a kiss on the cheek "You should't have to worry"

"I'm your mother Marco, I'll never stop worrying"

He rolled his eyes and came over to me giving me another kiss on my temple and grabbing me by the waist.

"What are you cooking this early?"

"Pancakes" I said "I woke up really early and I didn't want to wake you up"

"Thanks" he said giving me another kiss "Mom are you staying for breakfast?"

"No, I have to go to work, I'm going to get going actually" she said "It was nice to meet you darling Manuela said giving me a hug.

"It was nice to meet you too, Manuela" I said smiling.

"Bye Marco" she said as he gave him a kiss "Why don't you two come to have lunch Sunday?"

"Mom" Marco said "I don't know, I have a match Saturday and I'll be fine to go"

"It's not that far Marco" I said "You'll be back Saturday night"

"Wait, you want to go?" he asked surprised.

"Great, you'll come then" Manuela said "They're gonna be so jealous I've met you" she said as she exit the room.

"Are you sure you wanna go?" he said.

"I already meet her" I said "It would be weird to ignore that fact, even if we had met by accident. And I really want this to last so I guess it would had happen sooner or later"

"You're really one of a kind" he said kissing me and making me laugh "By the way you're underwear is still in my room did my mom know that?"

I smacked his ass playfully as we both laugh, thinking of how embarrasing that had been.

"She seems to like you" he said arching his brows.

"I like her too" I said "She's really nice"

"How was the game?" I asked when I heard Marco and Auba entering the hose, I was siting on the couch and dinner was still in the oven so it wouldn't get cold.

Today BVB has played a game against SC Paderborn in the DFB-Pokal and they had won by 7 goals to 1. I had only seen the second half as it has started right when I got off work and I had spent the first half in the car. Auba has taken Marco with him and they were coming pver to dinner, as well as Auba's wife and son.

"We won" Auba said entering the living room "Was he very whiny?"

"No, he wasn't"

"You'll get rid of him soon" he said "She's Alyhsa, my wife"

"I'm Adela, it's nice to meet you" I said shaking her hand. "And you must be Curtis" I said kneeling in front of the boy"

He nooded and flashed me a smile, he was wearing a little BVB kit and I thought it was reallly cute. Both of them were really nice and we had a great dinner together, I really liked Alysha since he seemed more down to earth than Cathy, even though I liked Cathy really much too. And Curtis was just the cutest litte boy – appart from Nico – and he was really well-behaved and asked me to play with me after eating using Nico's toys.

#marco reus #marco reus imagine #marco reus fanfiction #football imagine #love me now marco reus #chapter sixteen

[thelozzaview]

I woke up at 6:59 and went to the toilet and now just went to the toilet before now the time is 8:00 can’t wait to get the day started I’m hungry for breakfast soon and done my stretches for the morning until 8:30 and in the shower until 9am washes my hair because it was overdue for one and today is Thursday so it’s the morning for it washed my face which that was needed as well.

Now the time is 9:28 and sitting by the heater drying my hair and waiting for parents to wake so showering was a good time waster also another good thing I did because I wore the same outfit for almost a week now so this morning I changed into something different today but the same pants because it’s good to have a good pair so you can wear that one out and one to exercise in and the one to exercise in is the one most be worn.

Now the time is 12:10 and we are heading to the Anzac museum in Albany everyone has had breakfast, showered and now are on the road ready for our last full day of our holiday better go off with a bang tonight which we will but let’s get to that when we are in that time in the moment the time now is 2:15 and we are at the exit at the The Anzac Museum ready for lunch

The time now is 2:46 and now we are at Kate’s Place for lunch mum and I having some girl time until 5pm and we bought makeup for tonight’s dinner out with friends and a browse around the shops to kill some time before 6pm because their busy until then now we are going to get supplies for the dinner but I think mum needs more reminding.

So from then on we hit the shops, bought more makeup which I needed, supplies for dinner at our friends house and looking for puffer jackets but couldn’t find the one but found jacket which I did like but wasn’t rain proof so then we made our way to Coles mum got the supplies while I was doing my makeup and then made our way to our friends house for dinner and I helped make the dumplings for the dinner.

I haven’t seen them since I was 22 so it was fun getting to catch up again but when I met them I was about 5 so I have known them for a reallly long time and basically we are family. The time now is 8:40 and we are back on the road back to Porongrups to enjoy our beds for the last night before we head off back home to Perth that’s another blog story to tell tomorrow so looking forward to that.

So we watched Would You Lie To Me until last time in my bed of all 3 beds I have been enjoying using and sleeping in had my last few moments on the bed I was sleeping in packed up the car and off we went out drive through stops were Caranbrooka and Tambellup now the time is 12:50 and Lisa advised us to go to Dome here in Katanning so that’s now

Now the time now is 2:25 and we are in Wagin passing a big ram which I took a photo of the big Ram then we made our way home we got here which we are now mum and dad have been at a party with friends and I am having a party of my own bought weekend groceries then home made dinner at 8:30 ate it at 10pm now the time is 11:31 and about to get my crumpets ready to eat before 12am which will be bed time

[happinessninja9-blog]

23rd October 2017 11:48am

What a weekend! I took today off. I don’t know where to begin. Oh okay, so on Friday night I came home from Lindah’s rather late. I woke up in the middle of the night and was like super terrified. I had awoken from the worst dream ever: I was at Lindah’s place and for some reason she knew how to speak to ghosts and summon giant snakes up. So she summoned a snake right before my eyes and then had a bit of a fight with it and bit its head.  She accidentally let loose a baby snake, then tried to catch it but it was too fast. She was also playing with dead bodies.  I saw myself die and get prepared for my own funeral. It was disgusting. So Lindah had all these family and friends over because for some reason my funeral was hosted at hers. She was taking Polaroid photos and I jumped in for the photo because I did not know I was dead but when the Polaroid photo came out, Lindah started freaking out and said to everyone “Tanya’s in the photo and there’s another little girl in it! WTF”  Lindah then became my ghost whisperer and was trying to determine my murderer. There were alot of people there and I couldn’t tell which ones were dead and which ones were alive. I saw alot of kids, some dressed very funny. They’re apparently called Children of the Night. Only dead people or other kids could see them. I was dead. I saw my dead ancestors/family friends and they were so happy until I had to tell them they’re also dead...then I tried to find my dad but I couldn’t. Then I saw Alex, he could see me for some reason but he wasn’t dead...so it was really sad because we couldn’t be together anymore :(  I woke up shaking. So that lead to me obviously having really crap sleep. I was so tired. But did morning workouts because I couldn’t sleep. I had to wake up early to head to Natalie and Kelvin’s place because I would be dog sitting and house sitting for the week. So basically... I got there, we had breakfast together. They did their hand over to me. Then I found out their flight wasn’t until bloody 7pm! That meant that Alex would come over and meet them. I felt funny because he would be meeting my sister so early...but I really think she’d like him so why not. She did start to ask a lot of questions about him when I told her to expect company. You know, then she started talking about my exes. Why do people like talking about how crappy my exes are so much??? Maybe she was worried that I would be treated in a shitty way again. I didn’t think like that. I really do think Alex is different and no doubt about it.  Anyways, he came over and met the dogs and them. I should’ve given him a warning of how talkative she can be and sometimes might give off the wrong vibe. Haha, but it was fine.  So after a while, we drove back to his place so he could get changed and .. stuff.  And we headed to Southland to TGIFridays and meet with Ben,Rach and baby Sienna. They’re actually so lovely and fun. I definitely want to go a Marvel’s night with them soon...and baby Sienna is so adorable. She has the cutest golden hair and her cheeks - not to mention her freaking adorable dimples when she smiles so innocently. Gorgeous little thing!! But boy, I think I am terrible with kids. Hahaha. Wouldn’t really know what kind of mum I’d be. Kids seem to like me but ? =). Anyways Ben is reallly friendly, he really kept the conversation going which is nice. Rach - I really like her too!! Very easy to talk to and open minded. They were just chilled and being themselves which I like alot.  After that, we headed home. Then came the dilemma of what I should do. Go home with the dogs or stay with Alex. I didn’t intend on staying over but but it’s Alexxxxx. So yeah... =) Lately I’ve been having such crap sleep. Don’t know why. There’s no reason for me to.... Maybe I just need a better routine. Anyways so  SUNDAY. was the longest day I had for a while. I’ll skip to the part where I arrived to Justin and Lindah’s place. There were only Li,Lindah, Justin and myself. Justin and Li were doing SMULE - a portable karaoke phone app. It’s actually pretty cool.. Justin singing is so hilarious!!! I can’t  even begin to explain. Then Blake (birthday boy came over)... I fell off the couch as he came up because I laughed too hard. and poured my cocktail on the carpet =( We had a fair bit of drinks and then Alex came over. Yay!! Couldn’t keep my hands off him throughout the whole night =) I neeeeded to stopp but he’s so cute. We all had a few more drinks then headed to the train station to go to dinner. Oh my gosh, Li is a nutcase. He started serenading almost every girl he saw. We all had fun but it was so funny, ballsy and embarrassing. Li has had it tough but. I am glad he has built his confidence back up. Earlier on the year, he got out of a 4 year relationship. His ex girlfriend dumped him for a work colleague and left him in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt with the cafe business they had together. He had to go to court due to bankruptcy. I am really glad because he found a job in June/July and he’s soaring up from there. He doesn’t see his parents ever. They basically abandoned him , so he never talks to them. He’s only got us. Maybe he is still single because he can’t get over her. I mean it’s ridiculously hard because he shares a bloody car with her. WHy??? God knows. You wouldn’t see it because the happiest people....aren’t always the happiest. Anyways, he came up to me and grabbed me by the shoulder and asked “Is he a keeper???” :P I did answer him... but That’s for me to knowwww and for Alex to find out. My friends like him alot.  The night kind of dragged on a fair bit but. After dinner (oh, Richelle and Will came along) ... we went to Karaoke. By that time my food coma kicked in so bad. I wish I could stop this food coma thing that happens !!! It went on and on for 3.5 hrs. I mean, “how many songs could the boys sing without losing their voices??” Lindah and I thought. Hahha. But we all had fun. Won’t be going out late or drinks like that for a while. This morning Lindah asked me if Alex is scared yet. I’m curious too. :P Uh um so I’ve typed alot.  Pretty sure I might’ve missed out on a few things. I’ll add it in my next post if there’s anything else. Oh yeah, yes I took today off. Everyone else is apparently still asleep, Alex is nuts. He’s at work.

[quinniethewho-blog]

"No but that is pretty clingy of you.."

It seems as though, to me, I cannot talk to Patrick about my feelings without an argument happening OR him telling me what i do wrong. What would this classify as? I have a theory he is gas lighting me (making me purposely question my own sanity) but that’s 99% my paranoia and i would never want him to know I think that. I have an issue with him when we aren’t literally in each other’s presence. He never answers his phone for me, barely replies to me. And uses the excuse “I’m busy, I’m doing laundry, I’m running errands..” But he will answer his phone around me, while running errands, for anyone else? So what’s the deal? I brought this up and said “I don’t want to come off clingy, but this is just what you do and i don’t get it. I would never call you in an emergency because you don’t ever answer your phone.” he replied with “Are you serious? That’s not true. And it is clingy. You say you don’t wanna be clingy but that is. I can’t do anything without talking to you.” And that wasn’t my point whatsoever. I was just pointing out, factually, he does use his phone while running errands and doing other things. I’ve seen it first hand. He just doesn’t reply to me while doing those things and for me bringing them up, i am suddenly clingy. I was reallly really put off by this, upset, sad and honestly a bit embarrassed. I don’t ever want anyone to think I am clung to them. It is mostly embarrassing for them, because i could really emancipate myself from Patrick in a second. I am not clung to him. So after those words were spoken, i got up, brushed my teeth and went to sleep. He laid beside me with his clothes and shoes on and fell asleep. I kept telling him to just go in the other room but he wouldn’t. Now it is 12:28 pm and he is sleeping. We woke up around an hour or so ago and fucked, i mainly did it to wake him up. I’m hungry and i took my medicine so i’ll get nauseous soon if i don’t eat, but he just went back to bed. Not a care in the world. I also fucked him because he complains that I don’t enough. I am never enough for any man. I am starting to think I never will be. Today i am going to test him, be super not clingy, whatever the FUCK that means. I’m just gonna play this game he wants to play.

[itsyueko]

i had a strange dream last night

because i kept looking for her because she was the first person i looked at.. and then saw some pictures. and then some tagged and favorited ones. and her voice is lovely. and then i knocked out on the living room couch last night until 12 midnight ish, and then i kept waking up every hour after that because i felt like something was watching me lol (this is so off tangent but i kept seeing scary things in my head whenever i tried to close my eyes and sleep) so i moved to my brothers room where it was warmer and less scary being by myself and then i slept again. and then i had that dream.

and i felt a bunch of things going through my head and my heart. and those two things were always opposing each other. i read this article today that made me cry, and it had a good point though. things like this are never black and white. and some people will never understand what this feels like unless they go through it themselves.

so i felt like i was aware of everything going on in the dream. and since i was “creeping” so much i ended up having a dream that i did LOL. and it was painful. it was all sorts of jumbled emotions. and it was like thinking omg they got back together or things like that, and seeing faces and collages. and it was happy. i saw happy. and while it hurt, i felt happy for this person. like it was an unfair kind of happy, but at the same time, acceptance. acceptance because i was finally okay with everything. And at the same time it was familiar and that’s why it hurt. It felt like, a dream that should have been reality.

It felt like a dream and reality i shouldn’t have touched. the black and white photo i ran across two years ago, i wish i hadn’t been so curious and messed with it. And now i think of her wherever i go, because she supported me at the time and talked with me. And gave me some answers i was looking for, that now i’ll never be able to use 😔 And I’ll never understand how or why the cause of hurt is from people themselves, because maybe it would’ve dissipated had they made a change for themselves even when things escalated. Or maybe if i had done something sooner without my head and my heart always opposing each other. Or when one or two people are the victims of themselves. It’s a terrible thing to love, and it’s a terrible thing to experience, and hold and let go of in the end. But sometimes letting go, is the only way.

Something i’m still trying to learn because if i could tell myself that and maybe something my past relationships would’ve never turned out the way they did, had i not seen or made an action for myself and changed how i perceived things or misunderstood things. I didn’t want it to end up that way or for things to go about in this way, but things make sense now and things are slowly starting to churn and hurt more in realization, yet hurt every day less and less.

So i’m on my second pomodoro writing this because i’ve been going off tangent and fumbling through things (even at work today and people asking me if i’m okay lol) and seeming a little distant today. BUT I ONLY GOT 6 wrong out of 25 (lmao 😭) on a practice test today. and i reallly need to use the other practice tests i have and a link that a coworker gave me for my exam next week. Hopefully things work out and hopefully i get where i want to be. I just know things are a little easier in obtaining these things. mentally it’s a little bit challenging because i’ll be waking up each morning now for me.

i also hope i stop feeling let down whenever i go on youtube (even though i’m on there for nexus or google phones and guild wars 222222) whenever i run through fit and healthy videos. the healthy i can handle but some of the fit ones i still feel like is a self redeeming process because instead of feeling weary about all these pretty people online, it’s only my confidence that neeeds to grow and that DESERVES to go through these kind of times. because the people who are involved and care about you in your life will never try to bring you down, and just support you without playing you or having their own untrue intentions to hurt you.

if there’s something i’ve learned about being the “bad guy” or the one who’s sabotaged her past relationships, is to accept some things as they are instead of trying to manipulate or grow something out of your control. there are only some things i can move or see with my hands and eyes and say with my mouth. But there are also some dark things that will shine through if you let it. If there’s something i should’ve carried with me from my vipassana instructors is to face the impurity and acknowledge it but don’t let it grow and just to accept the way things are and the present moment as it is INSTEAD of trying to bring more hurt and more unnecessary pain. There are some things i wish i could take back and then there’s the now where the me “now” is trying to step forward and just go through these pomodoro goals to pass her exam c:

And then obviously there are some things i wish i would have known that my last self didn’t know and wish i had taken action for them instead of letting stuff like that escalate or grow into unnecessary unhealthy patterns. I just wish i can go to sleep better and not think about monsters looming over me so i can sleep, and i wish i could stop having dreams about the past because it should stay back there.

some things aren’t fair, but if this means a hopeful start to something new, then i’ll take this and better sleep and more happier peaceful things, a new 6p gold and some 12 hour shifts and put them to use lol (even if it means having to download roms finally now for a 6p and processor that good)

#all things have an end #i had a fortune cookie a week or two ago #and it's funny how those things work #'allow your confidence to carry through each day' #quotes #i have a score thing #and i should probably continue studying tomorrow #instead of trying to meet with people #personal #life