#i probably don't always manage to strike that balance but it is always on my mind

[paintingwhiteceilings]

Can you do Male Reader X EXO?

So, its basically when either Male reader or an EXO member is struggling with his homework.

❃EXO and helping with your school/uni work ❃

A/N: Heyyy, I am so sorry this took as long as it did. I had to take some time off of posting on Tumblr as I am about to start my graduation process for my RMA. In a way, it was super cathartic to write this prompt so it became a bit of a mix between school and uni work, I hope you don't mind :')

Regarding male x-readers: I try to keep my prompt as gender-neutral as possible, mostly so anyone can insert themselves regardless of whether they identify as male, female, non-binary, etc. However, I am totally open to doing any LGBTQIA+-specific prompts, so feel free to do so!

Xiumin/Minseok:

✾ Considering this man is rumoured to have a PhD (although not specified in what), you would think that he would be an amazing person to have around when you are struggling through your homework/coursework. However, being smart doesn’t always equate to being able to offer understandable explanations.

✾ His brain skips so many steps when he is tackling a problem or working on an essay. He knows why something is right or wrong, but he can’t really explain how he got to his answers. It comes so naturally to him that he struggles to dissect his thought processes and convey them to someone else.

✾ Ultimately, he will convince you to email your teacher/professor; they can explain it much better than he can, anyway. After having corresponded so often with professors during his own studies, he is more than capable of helping you with formulating your email in such a way that they would agree to help you out.

✾ Still, after having studied as much as he has, he understands the struggle of keeping up with homework/coursework. Considering he got his degrees whilst being an idol, he is incredible at planning his work efficiently. Thus, he instead offers to help you with creating a schedule, giving you a more healthy work-life balance.

Suho/Junmyeon:

✾ Well, considering that he has an MA in Cultural Management and talked at Stanford (plus it has been proven time and time again that Suho is incredibly intelligent), he is one of the best members to go to if you ever struggle with your homework/coursework. He strikes me as someone who, although they are incredibly smart, can explain his inner thoughts very well.

✾ Give him a whiteboard, and he will shine. Don’t ask me why, but I can totally imagine him being one of those people that is convinced that “you have to visualize things. Write it down to have more space in your head to think.” Does that work? Maybe. Is it annoying to be told time and time again to “just draw it”? Yes.

✾ If he isn’t familiar with the topic/class that you are struggling with, he will take time out of his busy schedule to familiarize himself with it. He will find a couple of sources or a handbook so that he can read up on it.

✾ A part of him enjoys studying and learning together, smiling the entire time as you do so. Despite your own stress on why you can’t seem to work through the problem/assignment, you can’t help but return his quiet enthusiasm.

Baekhyun:

✾ Another member who went to university to get his degree (although I can’t find out whether he has a BA or MA, sources are so incredibly vague) and is probably used to studying whilst being unbelievably busy. Furthermore, Suho has said before that although Baekhyun tends to be the mood maker of EXO on camera, Baekhyun is a deep thinker and has many philosophical conversations with him in private. Therefore, I can imagine him being another member who would be good at conveying his thoughts very well, offering you a coherent explanation.

✾ He would be an expert on making studying fun. Instead of having to cram a bunch of facts or read a long dry article for your next class, he would find a way to gamify it, turning it from a long boring study session into a fun competition. Although he might not be a huge help regarding the content of your class, he would help you to keep your motivation while studying.

✾ At the same time, I can totally see Baekyhun being a massive distraction while studying. You will be trying to solve a problem or work on that lengthy essay, and Baekhyun keeps trying to get you to pay attention to him, as he is too restless to sit still and study. He strikes me as someone who tries to convince you to do it tomorrow instead.

Chen/Jongdae:

✾ He has an MA in Media Advertisement so you can bet that he can sell a story. I am pretty sure Media Advertisement falls under either business or communication studies, so he will probably be not too shabby at statistics either. He will, therefore, not only sell you on why studying this particular subject is fun, but he will also be able to help you actually study the contents of most math-based subjects.

✾ Chen probably is too busy to delve deeply into the subject matter that you are trying to grasp, though. He will try, nonetheless, to work through it with you. He will sit next to you as you try to solve equations, and although he might not have mastered the theory himself, he will try to learn it with you, giving you a fresh set of eyes.

✾ I think rather than being incredible at explaining stuff, he would be an amazing person for emotional support. I can see him prioritize calming you down first and having you take a step back from studying to clear your head. He would make sure that you stay hydrated and fed while studying, preparing a bunch of snacks beforehand that he will hand out as a reward for making it through another chapter.

Chanyeol:

✾ Am I tired of repeating myself and saying “This member is smart because they got their degree”? Yes. Am I insanely impressed with most of EXO going to university whilst balancing their studies with a full-time idol career? Yes, and I will never shut up about it. Anyway, yeah Chanyeol went to university bla bla, making him, not just smart, bla  bla, but also hard-working, bla bla. You know the drill.

✾ Regardless of whether Chanyeol is well-studied in the field you are struggling in, nothing will stop him from becoming an expert. He is reading up on it as if his life depended on it, driven by his strong dislike of being bad at something. It doesn't matter whether you tell him it is okay and that you can always ask a fellow student or your teacher/lecturer; he is having none of it.

✾ At this point, he is more frustrated about not grasping a particular part of the theory than you. Even after you two manage to work through your homework/coursework, he will continue to read up on the topic until he fully understands it.

✾ He might be an overachiever and perfectionist who could’ve very well used the time that he spent on a piece of information he will never ever use again more wisely, but if anyone ever needs to know more about that specific theory, he can tell them everything.

D.O./Kyungsoo:

✾ Listen, I love him with every fibre in my body, and I will continue to do so until I turn to dust, but Kyungsoo has admitted, on several occasions, that he is not a big fan of studying. Sure, he got his degree, just like the others, and got his culinary license, indicating that he is more than capable of retaining a ton of information and working through difficult assignments/problems. But, does he enjoy studying? No, not really; he got it over with and seems glad to be done.

✾ So, when you ask him to help you with your homework/coursework, he will remind you, at least seven times, that he isn’t too good at studying and that there are better people to ask for help instead. He will try his best, albeit reluctantly, reminding you continuously to lower your expectations.

✾ In the end, he will try to help out in a different way, either by supplying you with a ton of study snacks or recounting how he worked through tough assignments back when he was in university, with the hope that maybe it works for you as it did for him. He makes sure that you are as comfortable as you can be, convinced he can’t do much more than that.  

Kai/Jongin:

✾ Listen, don’t get me wrong, I adore Kai. However, I have to say that he is not the brightest when it comes to academia (at least compared to the rest of EXO) or, like, his common sense. Yes, he had his moments of genius in New World, and I am sure that when it comes to memorizing dance and lyrics, he is insanely good. However, give him a math problem, and he will cry.

✾ Kai strikes me as someone who was exhilarated to be done with school, not seeing the point of going to university like the rest of his members. When you ask him to help you out with your home/coursework, something inside of him dies as he knows nothing that will be leaving his mouth will be helpful. He is too sweet to say no and will try his hardest to help you with whatever you are struggling with. Nevertheless, he is even more lost than you upon reading your assignment, confused by all the fancy words the assignment seems to be using.  

✾ Nevertheless, Kai would be an amazing person if you need someone to talk to without necessarily needing any advice/answers, just to get your own ideas out of your head. He knows exactly when to nod and say “hmhm”,  aware that you don’t necessarily want to get his input, only needing him to work through your thoughts and ideas on your own.

✾ Honestly, he gets an A for effort for me. Kai is good vibes only, and he would give you a hug for support.

Sehun:

✾ Another one who is glad he finished school and never has to go back. Again, don’t get me wrong, I love Sehun, but you can’t deny that he isn’t the smartest person in the room. As Suho said during EXO Ladder, “I think, they (the beluga whales) have the same IQ as Sehun” after noting they have an IQ of 60-90.

✾ Where Kai still tries to help out, he flat-out refuses. What do you mean you need his help finishing your work? He is so unapologetic about it too and slightly offended; why did you have to remind him about the horror that is school? He left that behind him and under no circumstances will he ever be dragged back in. He is rich, and he needs no degree.

✾ Such a bad influence on you as he tries to keep you from doing your work. “Well, if you are struggling with your homework you might as well take a break and go to the convenience store with me.” Funnily enough, it actually helps to clear your head. Sometimes the best thing to do is to step away and try again with a clearer mind. Sehun maintains that it was his plan all along; you doubt it.

✾ He will end up asking one of his members to assist you with your homework, calling in a favour with, for instance, Suho. They are all down bad for him, so you end up with the best tutors EXO has to offer.

Masterlist

#exo #exo reactions #exo scenarios #exo fanfic #xiumin x reader #suho x reader #baekhyun x reader #chanyeol x reader #kyungsoo x reader #kai x reader #sehun x reader #chen x reader #xiumin #suho #baekhyun #chen #chanyeol #d.o. #kai #sehun #kim minseok #kim junmyeon #kim jongdae #byun baekhyun #park chanyeol #doh kyungsoo #kim jongin #oh sehun

[lastarvek]

not sure who needs this, but here is a list i've made of all the "realistic" serana replacers, bc i know the "doe-eyed 16 yr old" look that most replacer mods have gets old real fast (and creepy, given her backstory)

replacer for serana by @yennethan : i love this one and i'm going to use it for my next playthrough. gives her more of a 'wise older sister' vibe, as opposed to a 'young vampy bimbo'.

anima nera by serkethetyt : this one has a creepier vibe than all the other serana replacers i've seen. if you like your vampires to be more on the horrific and visceral side, then look no further.

npc overhaul - serana (high poly) by ihuntalone : this mod manages to strike a nice balance, keeping her facial proportions realistic while still making her look delicate and elegant

eeekie's serana by eeekie : one thing i love about eeekie's mods (besides the stunning realism) is that the characters always look like grown adults. if you want a more mature and seasoned look for your serana, this is the one.

seranade by annaccident : i only found this mod while making this post and ?? why is this one so underrated lol, she is gorgeous. i like her tired eyes, because wouldn't you also be exhausted after taking nirn's longest nap? the hairs are also mashups, making them quite unique and giving her the signature braids she sports.

dashing dawnguard followers by tragedian : one of my all-time faves ! this one (and all of tragedians mods) puts a refreshing spin on vanilla style, staying true to the game's original vibe but making serana a lot more aesthetically pleasing in the process. (note that this mod is not standalone and will replace other dawnguard npcs)

definite serana smp hair by mharlek1 : another mod that stays pretty true to vanilla style, with the added bonus of smp hair ! (if you don't use smp, there's an option for no physics as well).

serana - daughter of coldharbour by southpawe : this mod models serana's face after her voice actor, laura bailey. the ethics of this mod are... questionable lol, but on the plus side, who fits serana's voice better than her literal voice actor?

nithi npc enhancement - serana by nightmarezone : this lovely serana has a realistic face and has 3 different hairstyles to choose from. if you like the style of this mod, you should check out the rest of their work, bc their npcs are awesome.

dragonborn waifus - yet another serana replacer by lucazoid : don't let the name fool you, this is no waifu mod. this replacer gives her a strong brow and tired eyes, and has a whopping 24 (!!!) hairstyle options.

#skyrim #serana #skyrim serana #tes #skyrim modding #hope this reaches its target audience bc i know yall are sick of the serana yassifying #i'm a hypocrite tho bc i personally love me some seranaholic

[iricathel]

just how much are you willing to read about why ruki is the perfect match— i mean rukina is the ship ever and the more i read their interactions the more i find myself nodding along like yeah they’re meant for each other they should get married this instant. wait. they did dfgdfg so i’ll save you the trouble of talking endlessly about the reasons they just click together because i’m sure you know about those already (a future long ass ask maybe? 🙏)

shuu — i think this one would be fun because they strike me as partners in crime. at least a bit. i think shuu would enjoy irina’s attitude and strength and maybe irina might like digging into what shuu’s actual personality is, facade aside. don’t ask me why but i sense some strong magnetism here. hottest blondes in the area, people move aside to stare at them (i at least would)

reiji — i really am not being that original but. hear me out. people that can ruin your self esteem and bring you down to your knees however you wanna take that one. i think reiji can work really great with someone that is both capable and incredibly smart but isn’t afraid to speak their mind. irina’s balance between not letting people step on her while still managing to keep everything under control… a ship filled with political and romantic intrigue (?) also pls reiji would go insane with someone that is both fancy and playful and damn. irina could tease the heck out of him, i’m calling this a win on society

lina ily sorry for the spam <3

Omg Kuu ily so so so so much wtf this is so sweet 😭

— Talking about Rukina, ofc I have my own opinions about their ship since I made them interact not only here, but for YEARS with different people and different sites and it's wild for me how even if the "admin" changes, they still have that magnetism no matter what (and also there's a reason why it's my fav ship sjsjsjsjsj). But ofc I have mostly my view and Ruki's admin too, I'm always glad to read people's opinions about their ship and how they feel them work together since it can open our eyes¿? Like maybe there's something we don't see but it's so obvious for others— So my askbox is always open for all kind of rants everytime you want 😤

— I'll try to save my analysis for the match-making post sjsjsjsjsjsj

It's right that for both Irina and Shuu it will be intriguing to meet each other, since one will feed the other's curiosity — Not to say that also Shuu will enjoy fr teasing Irina. I can also tell as both are candidates for their own clan's throne it would be crazy af if they marry bc imagine all that power??

But I don't wanna break it too much, but even if they can start so well, I think there would be a divorce so fast too sjsjsjsjsjsj But I will talk deeply about this in another post since canonly Irina knows both Shuu and Reiji

— It's funny to me see some people seeing Reiji as a good partner and the arguments are so good tbh, but if you look at it separately.

Reiji with Irina is one of the most problematic ships she could ever have and that's bc the beginning of their relationship is so tense and polemic even they feel uncomfortable with each other's presence bc they snap their traumas. Like they just need to look superficially to each other and they travel again to their childhood to revive their traumas again and over again

+ I feel like Reiji would see Irina as a disgusting woman bc even if our girl is a fancy, elegant woman with some manners, she's clearly not the perfect woman in his eyes either. And that's a problem for both ngl

BUT(T) NOW I SAY AGAIN, I WILL TALK DEEPER ABOUT EVERY GOOD AND BAD POINT FOR EVERY MATCH IN ANOTHER POST probably in a week

Again thank you so much Kuu for writing this bc I also love to see how people pay so much attention to my ships/character that they can tell things I never talked about before here 😭😭

#diabolik lovers oc #irina avenel

[ex0rin]

Oh god, I can't decide if I'm more intrigued by 'Heinrich, WinterBaron' or 'Nagel/Zemo', so whichever one of those you feel more like talking about

Hello my love 😘

I knew in my heart you would be the one to ask about these two haha - the Nagel one was something you and Eve and I all talked about for a while in the FCCU where Sam and Bucky send Zemo undercover for more info about the serum and watch as Nagel doses Zemo's drink, tell him and have Zemo be like: it's cool, just follow wherever he takes my body 😅 Something something non con and sex pollen. I never got very far with it, but it was always going to be for you.

And the Heinrich one! This one I can give more of at least. A sequel to And One For the Little Boy with a super great title tbh, kinda sad it'll probably never see more use than this ask -

I'm giving you all 800 words because I don't actually think I'll manage anything for you for your birthday this year (and it kinda breaks my heart, I swear I tried 😭) and you deserve something you'll actually enjoy:

Set Before the King Heinrich/Helmut

Zemo shoulders his duffel bag and steps out from the giant sliding metal doors of the Hydra Preparatory Academy in the American Appalachian Mountains - he keeps his eyes on his scuffed up boots and counts the steps to the small private jet that awaits him across the walkway. 

He’s been enrolled in the Academy for a single season, the winter one, and has little to show for it aside from the aches deep in his bones and the bruising around his jaw and joints; word had travelled too-quick from the Hydra Installation to the Academy - his peers spreading a mix of truth and lies about his encounter with The Winter Soldier. 

They have not been kind. 

Zemo stops, his breath catching in his throat when he sees the immaculately clean and polished leather of tightly laced dress shoes; he lifts his gaze slowly and straightens out his shoulders, he tilts his chin up and presses his mouth into a firm line - he was not expecting to be greeted by his father. 

Heinrich stands tall, his arms folded tightly over his chest; he no longer towers over Zemo in height, but his very presence still makes Zemo feel like he’s back to being that small little boy with bare, sun kissed knees. 

Zemo’s father is dressed from toe to collar in black - his jacket is balanced over his shoulders, giving off the appearance of a cape; he cuts a striking figure with the early sunrise peaking just over the mountain range. 

Heinrich is frowning and Zemo swallows down the fear and panic that rises like bile at the back of his throat; he waits, watching his father look over his appearance - Zemo’s hands shake and he balls them into tight fists at his side. 

Zemo winces, remembering how he had thrown on his wrinkled uniform this morning; he’d left his shirt loose and untucked and his pants folded up over the loosely laced up boots he’d slipped on without thinking - Oeznik had been meant to meet him, he should have had time to redress before seeing his father again. 

Heinrich tsks, his lips pursing at the corner, his nose twitches like he’s just seen or smelled something foul and he turns without a word, climbing up the folded out stairs to board their private plane - Zemo hesitates, looking tentatively back to the doors of the Academy.

He hears the sharp snap of his father’s fingers and he follows, wordlessly. 

They sit across from each other inside and Zemo tries not to squirm under his father’s constant and calculating gaze; he sits up straight the entire time, his back never touching the soft leather of the chair behind him.

The silence feels deafening. 

It’s over five hours into the flight before his father speaks. 

“Did you think that I would not hear about your time away.” Heinrich says - his voice is low and even, just loud enough that it makes Zemo flinch; Zemo knows that it’s not a question, not really. 

There could never be a right answer. 

Zemo stays silent.

His lips are dry and his mouth feels sticky and parched, he’s been too scared to make a sound, even if it had been only to ask for water; the aches in his body feel more pronounced after being still in the same position for multiple hours and he can feel the static of his legs having fallen asleep hours ago - he curls his toes inside his boots and exhales slowly through his nose at the pin-pricks that radiate up along his calves. 

“Every single thing you do comes back to me.” 

“I’m-” Zemo starts; he winces at how cracked his voice sounds - he carefully licks his lips and swallows around nothing before trying again, “I am sorry, father.” 

“Are you?” Heinrich asks - he leans forward in his seat, shortening the distance between them; he raises an eyebrow and tilts his head slightly to the side, “Have you heard the things they say?” 

His father reaches across the space and curls his fingers around Zemo’s chin, digging his fingertips into the skin - he runs his nails through the short, spiky hairs that now pepper along Zemo’s jawline and his frown deepens making lines of displeasure appear on his forehead. 

“Yes sir.” Zemo breathes out - he can feel tears building up under his eyes and struggles to blink them away; he presses his lips into a firm line when a single drop slides down the side of his face, carving a wet line down along his cheek to touch his father’s fingers. 

Heinrich scoffs and pulls his hand away, jerking Zemo’s head to the side as he does so; he leans back in his chair and looks away from Zemo, staring out the window with a scowl.  

“You are such an embarrassment to me.” he says.

(I love you so much Shan ❤️)

#cara writes #oh god how do i tag this #non con tw #ask meme #writer meme #asked and answered #@the-ravening #pls remember that my heinrich is christoph waltz #zemo tag #heinrich tag

[romanarose]

Sunshine, Starlight, Sweetheart, Brightside: Chapter 23

Steven Grant X OC X Marc Spector

Story Masterlist

Fic Summary: Steven meets Sam and they strike up a quick relationship, both kindhearted and loving, they fall fast. But both have a lot going on. Steven had Marc and Moon Knight, and Sam has mental health problems of her own. Slowly, Steven starts to put together pieces of her story as Sam starts to get to know Marc and Jake.

Chapter Summary: Sam isn't feeling good while Marc is fronting. Marc considers letting Steven front (this is his area after all), but he decides to take care of her, to prove to himself he can do more than fuck and fight.

WARNINGS!!! Okay y'all, I may or may not have gone a little haywire with this chapter. Like..... its a lot. I will put^^^^^^^^ when the smut starts and ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ when it ends bc its gonna get funky. if you want to skip, you don't really need to know much except they fuck twice. Anyway.... heres the warnings. God forgive me for what I've done. PIV sex, period sex, fingering, oral f receiving on period, blood and bodily fluids, anal play (finger in butt, not full anal), unrealistic sex in a bathtub.... IDK what to tell you I just wanted to try my hand at this, stupid fight bc Marc is unable to allow himself to be happy. Mentions of Layla, struggles to orgasm, panic attack

Also, got some Jewish!Marc spector content, incase y'all forget

And a reminder that Sam is a character, not a a mary sue self insert. She is going to be flawed. If you think she over reacted here or don't think she handles marc's issues well, that's fine. She's not meant to be perfect. People aren't perfect.

OK here we go.

*********************************************

Just Sam: I’m hemorrhaging

Marc about spit out his coffee. Logically, he knew that if she was actually hemorrhaging, she wouldn’t be texting him. It didn’t help the panic.

Steven with a V: ?!?!?!?!-M

Just Sam: Hi Marcy Marc! Hope I didn’t scare you.

Steven with a V: Why are you hemorrhaging?-M

Sam was used to texting Steven. Steven knew what ‘I’m hemorrhaging’ meant. As much as she loved Marc, and as much as the two of them have done some of the most filthy, disgusting things two humans in love can do to each other, somehow she couldn’t manage to be straightforward with Marc that she was on her period. Sam knew it wasn’t fair to put stereotypes on him, but Marc was Marc. He shoots guns and gets in fights, and was a marine… Steven bought her tampons and pads just to keep at his place in case of emergency,Sam hadn’t even asked for that. Sam had expected Steven to answer.

Steven with a V: OH! I see. Sorry, Steven’s resting for the evening.-M

Probably wore him out from last weekend’s fiasco. They hadn’t planned on seeing each other today, or tomorrow for the matter. Marc spent the night with her, but mornings? Mornings were a special time with Steven. Sometimes there was lazy morning sex, sometimes there wasn’t. There were always cuddles, forehead kisses, Sam liked to make him breakfast. He deserved someone looking after him, caring for him. She tried to make balanced breakfasts that were vegan and often found herself looking up meals to try to make Steven for dinner too. She wasn’t much of a cook, but for him? She’d give it a go.

Steven with a V: Are you okay?-M

Sam didn’t realize how much she’d been just… thinking

Just Sam: Sorry,  got distracted. And don’t be sorry Steven’s out, I’m always happy to hear from you, Starlight.

Steven with a V: Do you need anything? I can get you some snacks or bring you Motrin?

Just Sam: No I’m good, thank you baby. I just wanted to complain.

Marc knew this was better as Steven’s department. Everything was Steven’s department. Steven cooked for her, took her on romantic, thoughtful dates. Steven knew what words to say and when to say none. When to hold her and when to fuck her. Marc really had thought maybe, just maybe, that would be his department. But Steven was good at that too. Steven didn’t need to do what Marc did to get her to come multiple times a night, he could draw orgasm after orgasm from her with his mouth. Marc wasn’t sure if he remembered how to have sex without the slapping and the choking. He’d never say it, but the night they finally got together, he was terrified from multiple angles. The sex and the domecicity. The fact he said he loved her, that she said she wanted to be with him. It was against all his instincts to do this, to be domestic. That, again, Steven’s department. It had not gone well with Layla.

Just Sam: Did you have a good day honey?

She was changing the subject because she knew he was uncomfortable. She knew he couldn’t be what she needed. He needed to change something. He didn’t want to ruin what he had with Sam like he had with Layla. Marc briefly thought he should talk to Steven about this, Steven would be gung-ho for a heart to heart. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t drag Steven into his shit. Again. No, he knew what he had to do. He could make a start with Sam.

Steven with a V: Can I come over in a bit?-M

Sam smiled. She loved that he always signed off his texts with an M. She could tell who it was by how they texted, but even if they were in the middle of a conversation, he still signed off. He wanted to make sure she always knew it was him. Marc had this… fear, that Sam would think he was Steven and say or do something. He never wanted to trick her or mislead her. 

Just Sam: I would love that!

What would Steven do, what would Steven do

What would I do for what? He mumbled in the headspace, waking up. 

Go back to bed, I got it.

Come on mate, let me help. What’s going on

Sam’s on her period, I want to help but really, I want to do this myself… I gotta prove it to myself that I can. 

Okay, but wake me up if you need me

Well do, buddy

And Marc?

Yeah?

I think you’re really sweet

Shut up.

Marc walked around the store. Okay, what do girls like? Chocolate? Yeah, girls like chocolate on their period. Is that a stereotype? Layla never let him do much besides cook and clean when she was out of commission. Maybe he could do that. She always complained how messy her place was. Marc didn’t think it was actually dirty, just disorganized. She just had so much stuff. She liked memories. Yeah, he could help organize. He could also cook, not well but he could do it. She cooked Steven breakfast, Steven cooked her dinner. Marc looks at his watch. Okay, it’s 4. Plenty of time to get things and cook.

Marc got groceries for matzo ball soup, that used to make him feel better when he was a kid. Even after his mom stopped making Shabbot dinner, or any food in general, his dad was too busy to make anything most days. Marc was left to fend for himself. TV dinners, Kraft Mac and Cheese, chef boyardee… But one thing he could count on is if he was sick, his dad got him Matzo ball soup from the deli. If there was a game on (which there usually would be in Chicago) his dad would actually leave the office in their attic and come watch with him. Sometimes, if there was an important game on, Marc would pretend to be sick just to get his dad to watch with him. 

His dad really tried. Once Randall died, he essentially became a single parent. Wendy was no longer a parent, she was a ghost living in their house. With the cost of the funeral and Wendy unable to work (and sporting an expensive drinking habit) Elias started teaching at the local Rabbinical school. After a while, he picked up more and some conversion classes, various projects here and there in addition to his Rabbi duties. Marc knew he needed his own escape. It became easier to just dive into his work, his community, and his God than deal with what was happening at home.

Marc picked up some chocolate cake. Just in case.

He knocked, but there was no answer. Marc let himself in with their spare key. He took a look around her little studio. Not the smallest he’s seen in his life. He wondered, not for the first time, how she afforded it. When Sam wasn’t on break, she couldn’t quite hit full time hours, and day care wasn’t known for great pay. He knew she had lived on rotation with Jessica and Elena for close to 2 years, so maybe she saved up, but it seemed unlikely. Marc remembers a comment Dave had made, something about not sending her money when they couldn’t afford to feed her and Steven’s theoretical kids. Was he sending her money for the apartment? Was her mom? Chris?

She was dead asleep. He set down the groceries and put them away, washed the dishes and cleared away the trash. He took out the trash and the pizza boxes on the floor, making sure to change the bathroom trash as well. She stayed asleep. He frowned, she must really be out of it. He continued picking up the living room throwing away her twisted tea cans and the take out by her bedside that must’ve been lunch. Marc began cooking, when he dropped the pot and she still didn't wake he got worried. He set the almost-finished project on the stove to heat and went over to her bedside, couldn’t tell if she was breathing or not, and started to panic. There was no logical reason to think she was anything other than in a deep sleep, but he couldn’t stop his heart from pounding.

“Hey Sam, you okay?” He attempted to stir her with shaky hands.

Her eyes shot open with a gasp, and before either of them had a chance to think or move, she shouted and slapped him.

“Marc!” She was gasping for breath, sitting up and grasping her chest. “Oh my god I’m sorry-”

“No, it’s okay-”

“Holy fuck, you scared me I’m so sorry-”

“No I shouldn’t have-”

“Fuck” She ran off to the bathroom and before Marc could get there, she threw up, her bodies reaction to being scared.

Marc hurried in the bathroom. “Fuck, Sam I’m so sorry” He gathered up her hair as she finished spitting. 

“It’s okay, I was just- oh my god that tastes bad” Marc got a cup of water from the dixie cups on her bathroom counter. “Thank you, Starlight.” She swished out the puke and spit up in the toilet. Closing the lid, she flushed and sat back against the wall, clenching her fists and her face twisting.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Marc was kicking himself, all he wanted to do was treat her, but he managed to fuck that up too.

“Yeah I’m just… I gotta come down from the panic attack.”

Oh fuck, oh fuck He wanted to call Steven to take over, but he needed to be able to do this. “Would it help if I hold you? Or do you need space?”

Sam barely choked out the words. “Hold me please. My mind knows I’m safe, my body doesn’t” Her eyes were closed, brow furrowed in concentration.

That much Marc could do. He sits against the wall and picks her up, placing Sam between his legs. He wraps his arms around her carefully and bends his legs at her sides like metaphorical extra protection.

“Can you squeeze me tighter?” She asked, taking deep breaths.

He thought this would just make her have more trouble breathing, but he did as he was told. Marc took both of Sam’s hands in his and squeezed one, then the other. “Focus on my hands”

Sam did what he said “Right, left, right, left” she said out loud, allowing herself to focus on the monotony of his squeezing.

 After a few minutes, she calmed down “That hand thing, that helped a lot… thank you.” She started to get up.

“I’m glad.” He watched her, still in her work clothes; colorful leggings and a flowy, flower top. 

“Where did you learn that?” Sam asked, trying to sound inconspicuous, but she wanted more, another glimpse into his life before her.

“Nowhere” He lied

She sighed, barely audible. Another day, she supposed, before looking down. “Fuck.”

Marc followed her line of sight, there was blood leaking on the front of her light blue leggings. “I’ll get you clean pants, baby.” Marc scrambled up, walking out of the bathroom to her dresser. She shut the door behind him. “Sweats or leggings, honey?”

“Sweats please, and new underwear. The ugly ones in the back.” She called out. Marc brought it over, knocking on the door. 

Sam only opened enough to grab the clothing, but left the door cracked so she could keep talking. “This is the second pair of pants today. I got it at work, it was early. Jess had a spare change of clothes.” She peaked her head out, grinning. “Always gotta have spare clothes in childcare, but my last spare got puke on them on monday.” She tucked back away, digging for items below the sink. “It’s fucking heavy this time, shit fucking hurts. Elena stayed late so I could come home, my stomach hurt so bad.” She was rambling. Marc knew how much she hated missing work. “I feel like I’m bleeding out, tampons- fuck sorry, this is probably TMI”

Marc made himself comfortable on the floor sitting against the wall. “Honey, not to be too graphic but I’ve seen blood in plenty of other circumstances, and I’ve been married” Marc winced at mentioning Layla, this is why Steven was better at this. Sam knew, of course, but they never talked about it. Occasionally, Layla would call and Steven or Marc would talk to her, but it wasn’t often. He soldiered on. “This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“Right, right” She sounded like she was convincing herself. “Well, the tampons seem to bleed out every half hour or an hour. I didn’t think there was this much blood in a person.” The unmistakable sound of a pad opening.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Although this wasn’t his first rodeo, he still wasn’t sure how much was normal.

“Not unless it continues for a few days. This is probably just a heavy flow.” 

Marc couldn’t help but worry, it was who he was as a person. There was the sound of thorough hand washing, then she opened the door, smiling lovingly at the sight of him looking at her from the floor. “I made you soup.”

Sam ate a hearty portion, showering Marc with “MMHHHMM” and “Oh my GOD baby this is fucking good.” The sounds were barely distinguishable from the sounds she made during sex, maybe just a little more dramatic. What had Chris said? ‘Stop erotically moaning in my car’? Yeah, that was about right. 

“Fuck, Marc, that was so good.” She almost asked where he learned how to make it, but decided to let it go. They settled in to watch The Walking Dead, they were almost caught up, Marc noticed Sam wincing and holding her stomach. He pulled her over his lap and rubbed her tummy for her. After an episode, he got up to change her tampon again, and Marc heard her groaning from the bathroom. “Brightside? You okay?” 

“Yeah, I opted for just the giant pad, Im sick of the fucking tampon.” Sam replied through gritted teeth. When she came out, she took more pain medicine and crawled back up into Marc’s arms. “This shit ain’t helping, I need fucking morphine.” Marc gave her a look. “Relax honey, I’ve never taken morphine recreationally.” She teased.

“Hey, I’m not judging, I’ve tried worse.” 

Sam quickly turned to him. “Wha- AH!” She almost asked him about that, but a burst of pain shot through her. She whimpered, hiding her face in his chest. “Starlight, it hurts.” She whined, knowing damn well he couldn’t do anything about it.

Marc wasn’t happy she was in pain, not by any means, but he was relieved she didn’t ask him about what he said. “Listen, I have an idea… It might help your cramps.” She looked at him suspiciously. “Ever had an orgasm during your period?”

She sat up, sickened but intrigued. “You want to have sex with me when I’m ozzing blood?”

He shook his head. “It wouldn’t be sex, it would just be me, giving you an orgasm.” She was… tearing up? “Or not! Whatever you need, Brightside…”

Sam’s lip quivered, “You want to touch me when I’m this gross?” She started crying, oh shit.

“Oh baby” Marc took her in for a hug. “You aren’t gross, and I always want to touch you” He held her close, cradling her head with his hand entangled in her hair. She mumbled something he couldn’t hear. “What was that sweetie?”

She lifted her head up, still crying a little “I’m so fucking horny.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Marc couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. “Stay here.” Marc stood up, still grinning to himself, and laid down a towel on her bed, then scooped her up from the couch. Sam felt his strong arms and his chest, flexing to carry her. He made it seem so easy, like she was light and small. He laid her down, took off her sweats, and leaned in to kiss her lovingly. 

“Marc?”

“Yeah, Sam?” He pressed kisses down her neck.

“If I can’t… you know… don’t feel bad” 

Marc sat up to look at her, carefully touching her face. “Just relax, focus on my touch. There’s no pressure, no time limit, it’s okay, okay?”

She nodded vigorously. “Okay.”

He walked around to the end of her bed, carefully pulling down her underwear and setting it with her sweatpants “Tell me if anything hurts You’re probably going to be sensitive, but it shouldn’t be painful.” He slowly started working on her clit, attempting to relax her before anything else.

“Marc, I can clean up-” Sam started, feeling embarrassed about the blood on her legs and vulva.

“Aht!” He chastised. “Relax. Again, this ain't my first rodeo.” He fought his biological reaction to get hard.

Sam realized this meant he had done this with his ex-wife. Logically, she knew it shouldn’t make her jealous, but it did. She had seen a few pictures after she had asked Steven, but that was it. She knew she was gorgeous, and from what Steven had said, very nice. When she called, which wasn’t often, the boys always stepped in another room to take the call, but they always turned and relayed ‘Layla says hello!’. Sam wondered if she’d be comparing herself to her the rest of her life. She laid her head back and took a deep breath, focusing on the feelings Marc gave her. 

Slowly, he inserted a single finger in her, working it in and out while her swollen and sensitive pussy adjusted to him. “Ready for another?” He was fully hard, despite his best efforts, and tried adjusting his pants but the friction only made the problem worse.

She nodded, gasping as he filled her, curling his fingers up to hit that sweet spot deep inside her. Marc was knelt in front of her, sitting upright, watching his fingers disappear inside her, coming out covered in her blood. “Such a good girl…” He muttered lowly, the mix of blood and slick swirling on his hand. He could feel her walls tightening around him, but he knew she’d need extra help to get her over the edge. For now, however, he was taking it slow, giving her time, building her up. He laid down next to her, resting on one arm that played with her hair and stroking her pretty face, while his right hand fucked her. Marc peppered her with open mouth kisses, their tongues dancing together, her chasing his mouth when he pulled away to kiss down her neck, licking up her chin and back to her mouth again. Sam played with his dark, thick curls, kissing that sensitive spot under his jaw. He took deep breaths, trying to cool himself off. He didn’t want her to feel obligated to touch him. They laid like this for what seemed like forever, touching and kissing so innocently, but his fingers were inside her. When he pulled away, she pouted. 

He kissed over her clothes until he got to her pelvis. 

“Marc-”

“Don’t even start, pretty girl” Without giving her another chance to be embarrassed, he began sucking on her clit. Marc couldn’t help it, he began moving against the bed to stimulate his cock.

“Oh fuck, that’s good…” Sam tugged on his hair, pulling him closer, catholic guilt be damned. She had a fixation on their hair, as much as Marc fixated on hers. He takes his fingers out, painting part of Sam’s thigh as he gripped her, his mouth going further down. When she sat up to watch him devouring her, he looked up at her, grinning. She knew she shouldn’t be so thrilled to see him covered in blood… but she was.

“Whatcha think’n, Brightside?” 

Her heart flutters and she swallows. “Um… that you look really good like that…” She looked at him, awestruck as he went back to finger fucking her, but never broke eye contact.

“You like when I’m covered in you, baby?”

She nodded.

“Or, do I just remind you of Edward Cullen right now?” He teased

Sam’s jaw dropped, but a small smile crept up on her lips, even while panting under his touch. “I can explain!”

He gave her messy cunt a kiss, still smiling at her. “It’s okay, baby, I can work past that” He winks at her, going back to work, before stopping and popping up again, with a mischievous grin. Sam felt his slicked up fingers slip between her and the mattress, making her shiver as he grazed over her hole. “Can I have your ass? It’s okay if you don’t want to, but I thought it might help…” Marc gave her a look he hoped communicated that it was completely up to her.

She considered for a moment, but nodded, smiling. “I trust you, baby.”

He kept working her clit as he grinned back, lip curling up and showing off his adorable teeth, white in the sea of red on his mouth. “Yeah?” He whispered softly, the words magic to him. He promised her safety, and she gifted him her trust. He stopped fighting it, Marc began humping against the bed. The whole scene was so perfect, he couldn’t deny himself anymore. It was messy, it was filthy and it went against what most people might consider normal, but right here, right now? The room was filled with nothing but love, sexuality, trust, caring. How could something like this be dirty? How could this ever be wrong?

Her hips bucked up, riding the waves of pleasure he gave her. “Inexplicitly, Starlight.”

Marc wanted to kiss her, but that might be a bit of a line she wasn’t prepared for. His mouth went to her clit, left hand began fingering her. Slowly, carefully, he slides a finger up in her ass. “Relax honey.” he coaxes and she does just that.

She suddenly felt so full, the new sensation sending shivers up her spine. “Fuuuuuck Marc” Sam threw her head and arched her back.

He smiled as he continued licking and sucking “You like that baby?” Marc rutted into the bed, fuck, he could come just like this. He just might.

All she could do was whimper and nod.

“You like when I touch you like this? You like when I’m in multiple holes?” He fucked his fingers into her, as far as he could reach.

It became apparent that Marc was working himself against the bed, and the idea that he was turned on from giving her pleasure? That just brought her closer. “Fuck, Marc, mmm fu-ah!, no ones ever touched me like this” 

Marc had assumed as much, he knew that before Steven, most of the men essentially used her body to masterbate. If anything, they might have pressured her into anal. But this was for her, to help her. And she really liked it. He knew she was close, but getting there wasn’t the issue. It was the spilling over, the climax. She was writhing, yanking at the sheets that she had pulled off the corner of the bed. The towel beneath her had bunched up, barely doing it’s job anymore but Marc wasn’t going to stop, not when she was so close.

Marc sat up on his knees, trying his best to keep some sort of friction in his pants. He continued working her with his left hand; two fingers in her vagina, his pinky in her ass. He was perfect, enwrapped in pleasure before him. Drawing back his hand, he spat on her pretty little cunt and gave it a slap.

And there it was.

“Marc!” Sam shouted, the last word she said or thought before she became incomprehensible, a babbling mess. She tried to say something, but what? She didn’t know. She felt the tension in her uterus ease as she came down from her high and noticed Marc coming back from the bathroom, kneeling at her side. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Hey Brightside, how you feeling?” He brushed her hair back from her sweaty face.

“M-much better. Kiss me?” She looked angelic.

How could he refuse? He kissed her, and she realized his face was washed of her blood. She wouldn’t have cared. “I drew you a hot bath, does that sound good?” 

Sam nodded, beaming softly at him “Join me?”

He kissed her forehead “If you’ll have me.” Marc spoke as softly as she thought he ever could.

“Forever and always, baby”

He gently held her throat as he kissed her. “Let me get cleaned up first.”

Sam frowned at him. That was the point of the bath. He was about to bathe in water that would have her blood and cum- oh. Pushing him back, she looked at his pants, there was a wet spot in his dark jeans. When she looked up at him, it was her turn to sport his signature shit-eating grin. “Fuck Marc, that’s hot.”

“Come on, baby” he smiled softly at her as he took her hand and led her to the bathroom. He’d have carried her if his legs didn’t feel so shaky from his orgasm. “Let’s get you properly naked.” There was a candle lit and a Doctor Who mug of red wine. Marc briefly thought about buying her actual wine glasses, but he remembered their no-gift deal. Maybe he’d subtly suggest it to Steven. They took turns removing each other's clothes, planting kisses on the bare skin as they went. Sam hit the lights and together they sunk into the hot, bubbly water. They laid like they had when Sam had her panic attack. She was encased by him, covered in him. Naked, and vulnerable and yet warm, safe. Always safe with Marc. They sat in silence for an hour, occasionally running more hot water when needed; Sam had her ‘Marc’ playlist going. It had all the music her and Marc liked: Linkin Park, Eminem, Alice in Chains, Metallica. Not exactly the most romantic playlist in the world, but it was them. Then, Nothing Else Matters came on.

So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters

Sam closed her eyes and sank into Marc and the water that was likely red. She thought about the night, not too long ago, where Steven and her were in a similar scenario.

Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words, I don't just say. And nothing else matters

The way Steven cared for her, loved her. Treated her like she was something precious. That night, she told Steven she wanted to talk to Marc about how she felt, Steven was apprehensive. But Sam felt like if she waited any longer, she would burst.

Trust I seek and I find in you. Every day for us something new

Open mind for a different view. And nothing else matters

“You’re good at this, you know.” Sam wondered if Steven helped set this up, but even if he did, she knew Marc’s special touches. Marc struggled with being open, but never with showing her how much he loved her. She started getting out, but Marc grabbed her, he didn’t want her to go. “It’s okay honey.” She turned around, straddling him. Marc’s body immediately reacted.

Never cared for what they do

Never cared for what they know

But I know

Sam lathered up her hands with the lavender soap, and began washing his body. “Sam, you don’t-”

“Shhhhhh” She said softly, rocking her hips on him. “Let me take care of your body, as you always take care of mine.” Sam whispered, sinking her body down on him. “Nice and slow baby…”

So close, no matter how far. It couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are. And nothing else matters

Washing up his chest, his arms, massaging his constantly tense neck. “I love you Marc Spector. I love the way you protect me, the way you care for me, how you always manage to surprise me. And you are fun.” She kissed his forehead. “You and me, alone? When you don’t have to worry about anyone hurting me or Steven? You are so, so fun baby”

I never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words, I don't just say. And nothing else matters

Marc was entranced. His touch on her hips was light and gentle. He wasn’t moving her, he wasn’t chasing his own high. No, she was taking care of him. He simply wanted to hold her. She continued washing down his body, pressing kissing all over his face.

I never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words, I don't just say. And nothing else matters

She whispered close in his ear. “Can you come for me?” She leaned back. “Please, pretty boy? I wanna see your face, darling, I want to feel you fill me.” She looked at him pleadingly, like the only thing she wanted in this world was for him to cum inside her.

So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are. No, nothing else matters

When he got his release for the second time that night, she clutched him close to him. Holding her, staying inside her, staying as close as he can possibly get.

She laid in his arms that night, happy, content, in warm PJ’S.

But Marc couldn’t just let things be. Something had to be wrong. Something was always wrong. Between them, the mess that they were, Marc could not fathom her just being happy in his arms. Marc took the silence as sadness, not content. “What’s wrong?”

She looked up at him, confused and worried. “Nothings wrong…” She sat up, face closer to him. “You okay, Starlight?” She touched his face.

Marc closed his eyes, holding her hand to his cheek. “ I need you to be able to talk to me and Steven if this is going to work out…”

Sam pulled away, dropping her arms to her side as she sat back on her legs. “Honey, you're scaring me. Why would anything be wrong?”

“Why can’t you just… tell me?” 

Sam’s face shifted through a few emotions: sadness, confusion, and settling on anger. She glared at him. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

 Marc sat up now. “Excuse me?”

“You don’t get to do that Marc.”

“Do what?” Marc spat, confused how this turned into a fight. 

“You don’t get to tell me I need to be honest, when all you do is keep secrets.”

He glared at her now. “That’s different.”

A choked laugh. “How?! How can this possibly be different.?” She challenged him.

“My past,” Marc pointed at his chest. “Doesn’t have an effect on our relationship. Yours does.”

A flicker of hurt flashed across her face, “Yes, it most definitely. We had a great day. Just you and me, sex and food and love, alone with our music? It was beautiful Marc. Beautiful. That’s what I was thinking about! How perfect tonight was, how perfect you are and how much I love you. But you” she poked his chest “You are incapable of thinking anyone can ever just be happy with you. And that is learned, Marc. You learned that. You never talk about your family, you never talk about what happened growing up, what happened as Moon Knight or in the Marines or your time between! You were married, Marc, and I know nothing about that! And yet, everything about me, everything, you have pried out and I’m so, so tired of it!”

Marc sat there, watching her.

Sam continued, calmer, the hurt in her eyes prominent. “You know, Steven and I made a deal. Complete honesty, from both of us. No secrets, no lies, including by omission. And you know what hurt? I wanted to include you in that. But I knew you would never tell me anything about what happened to you.”

Marc was panicking. He needed to deflect. “Yeah? Steven tell you he kissed Layla?”

Hurt and surprise flickered across her face for a moment, then back to a glare. She grabbed her pillow.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Marc rolled his eyes like a child.

She pulled the blanket off the bed and stormed to the couch

“Fuck” Marc muttered, running his hands through his hair before getting off the bed “Honey, I’m sorry, come here” He tried to step towards her. 

“Stay!” She put her hand up and took a breath. Sam really, really, did not want to yell at him. “Away from me… Unless you are ready to talk about your mom and your brother, I’m staying on the couch.” He didn’t speak. “Yeah that’s what I thought…” she mumbled, making her bed.

Marc sighed “At least let me sleep on the couch.” He knew he fucked up massivly telling her about Steven, he was going to be pissed and Sam was hurt.

“No.” Sam turned on the tv. “I’m not going to sleep much tonight, so I’m taking an anti-anxiety pill and putting on The Office to distract me.” Sam grumbled, then looked at him. “You are staying here all night too. No running away. Tomorrow morning…” She looked at him assertively, with a face that said this is the deal, no negotiations. “Either we can talk about what happened over breakfast, or I want Steven. Got it? You can consider it tonight, and you can have one of my extra anti-anxiety pills if you need it. But I don’t want to see you until you are ready to stop being a hypocrite.” Marc stared at her, looking hurt but stubborn. Sam calmed down. “I love you baby, but I can’t keep going about knowing you know every horror my body holds and I have to wonder what those scars on your back are.”

Marc winced. “Sam-” she shot him a lot and he shut his mouth. Marc laid down in the dark, Sam had taken the blanket. He was cold, but too stubborn to move. Footsteps. She was at his bedside, laying a few of her throw blankets over him. “Sorry” she whispered.

****************************************

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just wip things

a spicy scene from Pitch Black that I was too impatient to wait for 😂 (don't worry, I'm still working on chapter 4)

Read under the cut!

(I don't write spicy stuff very often so I'm sorry if it's wonky :'D)

Izzy paces back and forth across the captain’s cabin. It’s well past the point when Stede said he would be joining him, and Izzy is dying for an explanation. He hadn’t done anything wrong. At least, not really. But Izzy can still see Stede’s face, pinched and anxious, and the authoritative voice pouring out of him still rings in Izzy’s ears. He doesn’t know what to expect when Stede finally joins him.

He manages to get in a few more laps before the door opens with a gentle click and Stede walks inside, looking pale and drawn.

“How’s Frenchie?” Izzy asks, before anything else can be said. Stede puts up a hand momentarily before divesting himself of his coat. He sinks into one of the armchairs with a sigh. “He’ll be fine. Might need stitches, but Roach assured me he’d make a full recovery.”

Something in Izzy’s chest unclenches. He knows that it wasn’t his fault, but he had a sense of responsibility for the crew. He was supposed to make sure they were prepared for everything, and Frenchie’s sword work had never been his strength. Perhaps Izzy would have to fix that.

“Good.” Izzy murmurs, just loud enough for Stede to hear. He doesn’t want anyone to think he’s gone soft, so he adds, “It’d be a shame to lose the only bard on the ship.”

Stede snorts, slightly undignified, and the response says more about how exhausted he is than his looks.  Izzy slinks over to him. “What was it you wanted to speak to me about?” He can’t just sit here and wonder any longer – the unknown is driving him insane.

“I’m under no illusion about your abilities with a sword, Israel, but even you have to realize you were way in over your head. Why did you put yourself in that position?” Bonnet’s words strike something in Izzy, drawing up memories of the night of The Incident with Edward.

Izzy swallows, looking down at his feet. “I couldn’t let anything happen to my Captain.” He responds easily, because it’s true – even if he and Edward still aren’t entirely in good standing with each other, Izzy still can’t bear the thought of losing him. He’s been the one constant in Izzy’s life. The single port in a storm for as long as he can remember.

“I understand. And I do thank you for helping him. But next time you shouldn’t go in alone like that.” And Izzy knows Bonnet is right, loath as he is to admit it. Izzy has always been Edward’s attack dog, his sword, an extension of the legend himself, but Blackbeard’s reputation isn’t unfounded. Ed probably would have been okay if Izzy hadn’t jumped in like that, but taking the risk of finding out was too terrifying to give thought to.

Izzy finally crosses the room to Stede and sinks to the floor, resting his forehead against one of the Alpha’s knees. “I’m sorry for making you worry.” He bites the words out, because this sort of vulnerability is still new to him. Bonnet makes a noise, somewhat like a scoff but too gentle, and cards his fingers through Izzy’s hair.

“You’re okay, darling. I’m just glad nothing happened.” As calm as Stede sounds, the memory of his furious gaze is still Fresh in Izzy’s mind, and it draws a submissive whine from the omega’s throat.

“None of that, now.” Bonnet murmurs, reaching down and forcing Izzy’s face up. He leans down and presses their lips together, all gentle. Izzy lets himself melt into it, lets Bonnet deepen the kiss and explore his mouth with his tongue. He takes what he’s given and nothing more, until Bonnet breaks the kiss. Izzy’s tongue darts out to wet his own lips.

He’s still tense, despite the fact that Stede seems to have forgiven him. There’s always been a balance to Izzy’s experiences, and right now the scales feel tipped. He had upset Stede, he knows he had, but there’s no follow up. No retribution. It leaves something in him unsettled, and Izzy doesn’t like it.

“What if I…” He trails off, before he realizes how messed up that thought process is, and he feels his face go warm.

“What if you what?” Bonnet prompts. His hand is still in Izzy’s hair, scratching soothing circles into his scalp. It’s almost distracting enough to make the omega lose his train of thought. He feels his face pinching together like he’s just eaten a lemon. How does he voice the problem without sounding absolutely mental?

He’s never been good with words. That’s always been one of his shortcomings.

“I…you can’t just forgive me, Stede. I saw how angry you were.” Izzy doesn’t look Stede in the eyes, focusing his attention on a fold in the Alpha’s shirt.

“I just did.” Stede says, nonplussed. Izzy fights down a groan, shaking his head and nearly dislodging Stede’s hand.

“I don’t want you to.” Izzy clarifies, feeling his face grow hotter. “I need you to follow through.”

There’s a long moment of silence, before Stede makes a soft noise of understanding. “You…want to be punished.” It isn’t a question, but Izzy nods a confirmation all the same. Shame wells up in the pit of his stomach because he knows it’s not normal of him, but he can’t help the way he is. A lifetime of conditioning, quid-pro-quo, an eye for an eye – whatever you want to call it – has made it impossible for Izzy to leave things feeling unfinished, especially when it comes to those who have earned his respect.

And, despite everything, Stede has earned it.

Stede hums thoughtfully, his hand leaving Izzy’s hair. Izzy fights down a soft noise of disappointment – he hasn’t earned that affection yet. There’s a lingering silence, and Izzy’s nerves fray just a little more as time stretches on between them. He feels like he’s about to burst when Stede finally addresses him.

“What if you made it up to me?” Stede asks, and Izzy finally raises his eyes to look the Alpha in the face. It’s a decent proposal – Stede seems hesitant to actually punish him, never seems to really want to unless he’s truly angry, but his eyes are bright, and Izzy thinks he can work with this.

“…Yeah, alright.” He concedes, the tension in his shoulders receding a bit. He will earn his forgiveness. That’s acceptable.

“Come here, darling.” Stede urges Izzy up with his hands, and Izzy rises from the floor, clambering into Stede’s lap and straddling his thighs, his feet hanging over the edge of the seat. Stede pulls him into a heated kiss, and Izzy can feel that the Alpha is already half-hard in his trousers. Something in Izzy’s stomach squirms pleasantly at the thought. It could have been the excitement of the raid, but Izzy likes the thought that their proximity is what’s doing it.

Stede kisses Izzy until he’s breathless, delirious and pliant under the Alpha’s hands. The hard line of Stede’s cock is pressing into the space between them, and Izzy’s hips roll forward into the bulk of it, making Stede hiss into his mouth.

“Strip for me, Darling.” Stede’s voice is rough, and tinged with the steel of command that Izzy is helpless to disobey. He carefully extricates himself from Stede, removing his clothing one piece at a time. His cravat and ring are first, and he places them carefully on the nearby table. His vest, shirt, and pants are quick to follow, before Izzy peels off his smalls. They’re damp, and he knows he won’t be putting them back on until they’ve been washed.

Stede rises from the chair, grabbing a cushion off of the nearby chaise and depositing it onto the floor. “Kneel there, and wait for me.” He says, no-nonsense. Izzy sinks to his knees on the cushion, glad of the padding. He’s not as young as he used to be, after all.

Stede busies himself, grabbing a few things from around the room before going into the washroom for several minutes. Izzy remains where he is, letting the calm warmth of obeying the orders given to him wash over him. He’s drifting, mind pleasantly fuzzy, and the burning need between his thighs is only a distant bother.

He loses track of time, and nearly jolts out of that fuzzy space when Stede returns, carrying a basin and wearing a robe that does absolutely nothing to hide his straining erection. He places the basin and a cloth down on the table, before turning his attention back to Izzy. He pets a hand through his hair, humming pleasantly.

“Good boy, Izzy. So patient for me.” He rumbles, and it’s enough to make Izzy’s legs shake where they’re still holding him up. Stede reaches down and presses the pad of his thumb against Izzy’s lower lip, and Izzy’s mouth falls open obediently. Stede presses the digit flat to Izzy’s tongue, holding his mouth open.

“Will this be alright for you? If I use your mouth?” Stede asks, and Izzy whines at the promise of it, nodding his head just slightly so as not to dislodge the Alpha’s hand. The consent seems enthusiastic enough for Stede, because he removes his thumb and tugs his robe open. His cock is standing at attention, rock-hard and glistening at the tip. Izzy feels his mouth water, but doesn’t close it.

Stede shifts closer, letting just the tip rest against Izzy’s tongue. He shifts his hips, dragging it back and forth against the plain of it, before slowly pushing in. His thrusts are shallow at first, presumably to let Izzy get used to the feel of it, before he pushes deeper. Izzy can feel the tip of it hitting the back of his throat before long, and subtly tilts his head to give the Alpha a better angle, breathing through his nose.

Stede sets up a slow, lazy rhythm, giving Izzy time to pull in little puffs of breath between each thrust. It’s a torturously slow pace, but the repetitiveness of it drives Izzy to heights he didn’t know he could reach. The weight of Stede on his tongue, the control of it, and the knowledge that he’s being used by Stede to chase his own pleasure tugs him into that fuzzy space once more, and he’s only mildly aware of saliva leaking from the corners of his mouth.

He’s painfully hard himself, and he can feel slick drooling out of him, down between his thighs and onto the cushion below him. He reaches up to hold onto Stede’s hips, his fingers digging into the soft flesh. He doesn’t control the pace – Stede is doing that, but he needs contact, and this is the best way to get it.

Stede seems to read his mind, and one of his hands goes to Izzy’s hair, fingers carding through it and pressing against the base of his skull. Izzy’s eyes slip closed and he loses himself in the sensation of it. The alpha keeps up his carefully controlled pace, and Izzy can feel warmth and pressure building between his thighs; he’s close to coming, his hips twitching slightly against empty air.

It goes on like this, Izzy quickly losing track of time, his own arousal building. Stede’s thrusts are getting a little faster, cutting Izzy’s breathing off at quicker intervals. He’s swallowing around Stede’s cock, willing the Alpha to go deeper. Stede complies, and soon enough he’s fucking into Izzy’s mouth with abandon.

The intensity of it is too much, and Izzy feels the tension between his legs build at a dizzying rate. His thighs flex as he tries to stave it off, but there’s nothing he can do. Heat blooms low in his belly and his hips jerk forwards as he comes, untouched, his cunt clenching rhythmically on absolutely nothing.

He distantly hears Stede swear above him, a choked-off ‘Did you just—’ spilling out of his lips before his hips stutter and he comes down the back of Izzy’s throat. Izzy swallows him down with purpose, sucking gently until Bonnet’s softened cock slides back out of his mouth, leaving him empty. He whines, bereft, and suddenly Stede is on the ground with him, pulling him into a filthy kiss. Izzy doesn’t doubt he can taste himself, his tongue is so far back in the omega’s mouth.

The aftershocks and shaking in his thighs are too much, and Izzy sinks the rest of the way down, a grimace pulling at his lips as he lands in the cold puddle of his own slick. Stede chuckles gently above him, pressing his face down to nuzzle into Izzy’s hair. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He murmurs, before carefully rising to his feet. “Get on the bed.” He says, crossing over to the table to fetch the basin and cloth.

Izzy rises on unsteady legs, making it over to the bed and sitting down heavily. Stede sets the basin down next to the bed and pushes on Izzy’s chest until he’s lying back. Stede goes to work on him, using the damp cloth to clean the slick from his thighs and cunt. The drag of it on his oversensitive nub draws a whimper from him, but he’s too far gone to feel shame for it. Stede makes a soothing sound in the back of his throat, finishing up his work before climbing into the bed next to him.

He pulls Izzy against him and Izzy immediately shoves his nose into the crook of Stede’s neck, scenting him thoroughly. A stuttering purr rumbles up from his chest, unfamiliar but comfortable. He curls up against the Alpha, hoping the noise will be enough to convey his thanks. He no longer feels off-kilter, and he can feel the tug of sleep softening his edges until it pulls him under. He’s vaguely aware of Stede pulling the blanket over both of them, but he’s out like a snuffed candle before much else can register.

#Pitch Black #SteddyHands #Stizzy #technically this is just Stizzy for now #but eventually.... #im steddyhands trash so #u know #ABO dynamics #up in this bitch #so beware of that if you haven't ready Pitch Black

[ladyxskywalker]

hello, my lovely friend. 🥪☕️💌 i'm going around and asking the writers i most admire on here about their process. how are you so prolific? what are your tips to writers re: carving out the time to write? i know for a lot of us it can sometimes feel like we don't have any pockets of free time between work, life, families, etc. any wisdom you could share would be greatly appreciated <3 :3 take care!

hello my dear ! 💗🌸🌻

thank you so much for this message about writer things !

how are you so prolific?

when I first got into writing during 2020, I had a lot more time to devote to it then. everyone was staying home, & I always had other creative interests that I would spend time with because it would help my emotional health & well being. I would write almost every day (in between crochet or daily life things), & a lot of the time when I couldn't sleep from fear or stress, I would stay up during the quiet early hours & have these super late night writing sessions. all of my dreams or daydreaming would eventually turn into full fledged stories, & would just come to life when it felt like I was losing myself. personal struggle & intense grieving also was a huge part of my writing process (both then & now). I felt like if I didn't put this emotion somewhere positive, I was going to fall straight down into a black hole. I couldn't let myself get there to that point. So alot of the writing that came out of that just kept building up over time. I just felt like I had to do something.

It was a lot of fun for a while, staying up really late & feeling like a silly coffee lady, but now I just physically can't do that anymore. & I'm trying to be better about time management & being realistic about how I spend my time. Taking more walks & reconnecting with friends.

Then when autumn & thia started doing the writer weds writing challenge, I would always participate & try to push myself to write something based on the photo prompt every week to get the creative juices flowing. I had more time last year to do all of that when I was helping take care of my grandma on my off days. That's probably why my fanfiction works number is so high on ao3 because I would write all of those little stories no matter what. & alot of those fics were also requests for friends, or series that I started & never picked up again for whatever reason. writing during all of that just really helped me & brought comfort not only to myself but other people too. In a strange way it felt like I was doing something good & like I had a purpose.

I feel like it's definitely much harder now to balance creative interests with daily life & family responsibilities, & sometimes my free time is chosen based on if I get lucky & have like a random 2 hour break time window in my day. Or when the feeling strikes completely out of the blue & if I don't quickly write something down I will absolutely forget it all (because my brain sometimes is on multi task / auto pilot mode).

which is why it is so incredibly important to take breaks, & to listen to your body & mind if or when I am pushing myself way too hard. !! because the burn out is so real. I'm trying to be better about perfectionism & slowing down more, because sometimes I set unrealistic expectations for myself.

anyway this kind of went way off topic *waves hand* but I do hope this answers your question in some way ! I always love chatting about the creative process, & would love to also hear your thoughts about it all too !

thank you for being a friend & for sharing in this little community we've made for ourselves here. super happy & thankful to have connected in the way that we did. ☕️💗🌸 xoxo

[aria-ashryver]

whats the gang doing next chapter? maybe thisll get your mind off the medical stuff for a short time, i pray for u 🙏🏼💐

thank you for being you, anon, i'll always cherish people with gentle hearts likes yours ��🌼

omg plotting these next chapters has been like wrangling a gaggle of distracted puppies, so take this with a grain of salt bc i'll probably change my mind on what order I want to put these scenes in AGAIN lmao

WAIT AAHH I HAVE PUPPY PICS TOO THEY ARE FROM LAST YEAR BUT WHO CARES

Spoilers (and puppies) under the cut!

First, authorly rambles! (just skip this lol): I try and strike a balance between things happening when they logically should in these chapters in terms of character development and plot progression in the overall story, while also delivering something of a cohesive whole on a chapter-by-chapter basis. I also want to manage how things are coming off tonally, by allowing some sort of levity/breathing room for the reader. I don't necessarily want a chapter to be like "angst / angst / angst / action scene / more angst" without allowing some sunshine to peek through -- it's a pacing thing too, right? I try to be delicate with you lovely folks who are reading, bc as much as the initial goal was to write this story for myself, I want you to have a good time too 💝

ANYWAY, the point I'll (eventually) make here is: these scenes might get shuffled around a bit, bc for the above reasons, I don't want to hit you back to back with:

WELP Luca killed someone! Lad's got some Shit To Deal With

Delphine has some fucking Trauma To Process!

Seth is still having fugues! Dude is STRESSED but keeping quiet about it!

Have we mentioned Cas and Gabe still have a lot on their plate too?

Like, I love a good bit of angst, but all things in balance, hey? ✨✨✨

(also there is a Cas/Gabriel smut scene coming very soon, and I don't want the placement of it to be tonal whiplash if its too angsty beforehand lmao)

(...hey anon, remember how you were like "maybe this will get your mind off the medical stuff?" Well, considering I've fallen down a "let's pontificate about literary analysis" rabbit hole and not even answered your question yet, I'd say you've done a great job there love haha)

Okay, actual spoilers now for Chapter 33 (Slowly We Begin to Find Our Way Home) !!

Cas and Gabriel engage in The Great Toast Debate 2016 (Cas was not invited to Gabriel's house, he's just there bc he's gone without attention for more than an hour and he's slowly shriveling up inside)

We get a phone call from Viktor! (who is also withering from lack of attention)

Luca gets stuck in to research at the Nexus and it is a hyperfocussed lore gremlin's dream come true

We get to see Delphine! She and Cas have a much-needed hang out at the Venandi Fighting Pits 🥹

We'll also see some familiar faces we haven't heard from lately!

Thank you so much for the ask, anon!! I leave you with these puppies my friend's dog had last year in the hopes they might make you smile💖

#SICSIG #the puppies were so soft oh my gosh #so wiggly #10000% worth the allergy attack lmao

[tj-crochets]

Every time you post you make me want to make something!! How do you manage to start and finish so many projects constantly? I’m also disabled and its always so hard to find the spoons to finish my projects 😭

I definitely feel you on the difficulty finding spoons thing, I had multiple days this week where I did absolutely no crafting at all because I was just completely out of spoons. This explanation got long, so it's below a read more

For me, crafting is a...I'm not sure how to word it. A load-bearing hobby? Making a physical, tangible object gets me those good "finished task" brain chemicals while at the same time letting me learn a skill (one of my favorite things to do) and ending up with an object that I will probably eventually give to someone (also one of my favorite things to do, matching objects to the people who will love them). If I go too long without crafting I get antsy and grumpy and I get frustrated easily. Other load bearing hobbies for me are reading and making music; too long without any of them and I feel off-balance, metaphorically. I have a variety of crafts I keep supplies for on-hand for different spoon level days; for me crochet takes less spoons than knitting, which takes less spoons than all but the simplest plushie sewing, which takes less spoons than most quilting. There's some differences; plushie making is less physically taxing for me than quilting but takes a lot more focus, so if I'm having a good physical spoons day but a bad mental spoons day I might opt for quilting instead of plushies? The other thing that's helped me a lot is forgiving myself for unfinished projects. I used to feel guilty when I got hung up on a project and couldn't finish it, and I'd struggle through it and not want to craft and it would take forever and I'd be unhappy the entire time, or I'd set it aside and try to make other things but feel guilty the whole time because I thought I should be making something else. These days, I have gotten a lot better at accepting that I have limits, both physical and mental, and it's okay for me to respect them. Not finishing a crafting project is a morally neutral thing; for me, crafts are for enjoying, and if I enjoyed making the part of the project I made then I got something out of it even if I never finish it. I also think no crafting effort is wasted, you'll learn something from it even if all you learn is that you don't like that particular craft. The other other thing that helps me start and finish so many projects so often is that I am lucky enough to be able to keep the basic supplies for a wide variety of projects on hand at all times, so that I can make almost anything as the whim strikes me (like grumpy bunnies this week). I think of it like keeping a stocked pantry as a baker; you might not know what you'll want to make tomorrow, but you know you'll probably need sugar and flour and salt, and as you learn more about baking you can tailor your stock of supplies to what you like to make (for me in sewing, that means keeping a rainbow of minky and some faux fur on hand, so that I have many colors to choose from because I really enjoy working with color. In knitting, it means keeping a particular yarn in any color on hand because I pretty much only knit beanies these days and I don't care what color they are but do care about the yarn. Your "staple supplies" will vary based on your craft, your preferences, your budget, and your storage space, but I absolutely love being able to impulse craft things)

#ask away! #itsbumblebunnybee #long post #my methods are also what works for my particular disability and brain fog/executive dysfunction/possible ADHD #the methods that work for you might be very different #it's important to find the methods that work for you because everyone is different and has different requirements #the bit I didn't include in the load-bearing hobby thing #is that crafting is a very good de-stressing kind of hobby for me #and my weird allergy issues mean that if I get too stressed/upset I can have an allergic reaction to it #so crafting is part of how I manage my health #oh heck I also forgot to mention disability accommodations for crafts #my family keeps a chair in the kitchen so that I can sit down when cooking because standing in one place is hard for me #and I have a table next to my seat in the living room even though my dad dislikes the clutter #because having my feet up helps a lot with my low blood pressure issues #and I need a table for the yarn/needles/safety eyes/etc of whatever I am working on at the moment #I don't have a simple answer for you about how I do so much crafting #sorry! I tried to answer but I just don't have one singular answer

[archenemyintellegence]

Reflection (rant) on art...

Had a chance to look back at the progress I've made on art while making an art summary post for this year. I am so surprised to see the improvement I've made in this year!

The biggest outcome from this year is seeing myself developing an artstyle that I truly love, which can express myself and also combine ideas in my mind. Here is some rant about the artstyle...

Last year, I invested some period of time to draw fanart for Yuma Uchida with his photo as reference. It was cool to replicate the photo with my drawing, but I wasn't satisfied with just that. I wanted to add warmth into his portrait. So I started to go beyond drawing something that makes sense. I started to add colors that I see and can never explain where they come from. Maybe they're extensions of my emotions, or maybe they're illusions formed by my thoughts, or maybe my eyes are built different. A thing that I can be sure is I always see those colors, but I always pretend that they never exist so I won't be "weird", like the way I hide those unexplainable ideas from people. I really don't remember why I believed that adding those mysterious colors can help adding warmth to my drawing but it worked. My raw, intense emotions have been added into the drawings, and they give warmth to the drawings.

This year, I tried to use this method of coloring without the reference that is exactly the same thing that I am drawing. It was trickier than doing it when drawing with photo reference because things can get really really wrong. The biggest L this year is that I scrapped a drawing that I took 120+ hours to draw because I found it impossible to manage. But I learned a lot from that drawing, including the relationships of colors, which helped me to learn more when observing the colors in real life. I went back and forth with my style and finally settled on the style that I yeeted the airbrush and all those layers with different effects, and only use one side of the color "square". An inspiration of the artstyle is Julio Reyes, a god-tier artist that I saw on instagram. I really don't know how he draw his works as I have little knowledge on tradition art and I have zero idea on egg tempera. But in his drawing it looks like he is weaving the colors together to form a picture, and I want to do the same. Another major inspiration is glitch art, which kinda explains the saturated colors in my drawing. I used to make a lot of zepeto edits back in the day I wasn't comfortable with drawing (you can view them here). This kinda explains why my drawing works well with glitchy stuff lol. Also, something my father told me has inspired my coloring choices too. I probably distorted the words of what he said to me heavily because it's from a long time ago but what I remembered is don't use black to shade. With this idea in mind, I discovered that there are actually lots of colors in "black" that I don't believe there is real "black" in this world. So I pushed this idea to the extreme and even avoided grey. This makes coloring becomes a braincell-burning activity for me but I really enjoy the results as it can truly reflect my ideas on my drawings.

I really can't believe that I used so many words to talk about coloring but I did. Another part that makes my new artstyle is minimalistic background. A reason for this is to strike balance in my drawing. I used to do background but I believe that it'll be too much going on if I color the subject with crazy colors. So it needs to be blank or very minimalistic. Also, I believe that blank contains strong meanings. First, with the blank, the subject can fill it with their aura to make their presence stronger and own the drawing. It's very vague so I probably won't explain more lol. Another meaning that the blank contains is that it is the opposite of everything that has been drawn on the canvas. Instead of trying to fill the canvas with details, it is better to perfect the subject that contains the part of the message that I am able to convey, and let the blank finish the rest of the message. I believe this way I can produce a fuller drawing.

The new artstyle reminds me of fashion magazine, which inspires me to start learning more about fashion and accessories recently. I'm really new to this kind of things but I can feel that it's already giving me a lot of inspiration. I believe keep on learning more about them can help me enrich my drawings. Also as there's now less distraction on my drawing, I need to improve in my anatomy and especially perspectives. The sense of 3d is always a weakness for me that I have zero sense of direction or even struggles to tell left or right. I hope it can be improved by a little bit so my drawings can look cooler. And I hope my colors can be improved next year! I really have no idea how it can be improved for now but I believe that I can do it, just like how the colors improved throughout this year. I hope my drawings can be better that I have the confidence to earn a living with them! (And yeah the lack of confidence is a problem I want to solve too...)

So many ranting lol. Here's a full (digital) drawing lore of me. I started to focus on drawing seriously when I started doing digital drawing so you can actually take it as my full drawing lore haha. One is 2021 and the other one is 2020.

#art summary

[mysticotta]

So, word of warning, under the read more is going to be a very heavy vent post. I kinda just need to scream into the void, and I need to get some things off my chest before it crushes me. I 100% understand if no one reads this. I don't expect you to. Take care of yourselves

I can't fucking live my life like this anymore. There's so much expectation and pressure, and I just feel like I'm going to let everyone down because I'm too weak, too stupid, and I'm not good enough.

I play softtball. I don't want to. My mother is forcing me to give it one more season, despite it absolutely destroying me mentally last season. I'm also part of the school pep band, and student council, and I work as a lifeguard, and I'm going to be in some very high level classes this year, along with me being a stage manager for my school's theater program. Softball is the highest commitment out of any of those

I strongly suspect I have ADHD. I'm planning to ask for a diagnosis, but I don't have a doctor's appointment till September. That's too late to do anything to convinve my mom to let me quit.

Right now, I only have softball, pep band, lifeguarding, and student council affecting me. I already feel like I'm about to snap from the pressure to be this and be that.

I have serious people-pleasing issues. I feel like I can't disappoint, I always have to be better than they expect. I also suck at softball, so every failed catch, every strike on me, feels like a knife to the heart. I love theater, I love band, and I think I could grow to love student leadership, but softball is horrible. The team is good, but everyone plays so much better than I do, I feel so fucking ashamed and shitty every time I mess up, every time I fail. And its such a fucking commitment as well. I miss the entirety of the second day of school with a tournament. I'm not going to able to balance everything, something will break, and I have a feeling itll be my academics.

i'm smart. I have a 4.0 GPA, I'm good at school, but softball takes so much energy, I don't have any left to succeed. My grades shot up as soon as softball season finished last year. My mom's also super disappointed whenever any of my grades slip below an A.

RIght now? I have the ability to balance it all,. My emotional and mental stability from the summer is enough to carry me through for a bit. But someday, probably soon, I won't be able to balanmce it all. And I know myself. Committing suicide will look more and more tempting with each lost game, each failed test. Because I don't know who I am if I'm not excelling, if people aren't proud of me. This fall, I will most likley break. I don't want to. I love the friends I have, I love everything I do that's not softball. But softball also takes up so much time and energy, I don't have any time to do anything else. To be anyone else.

I'm being pulled in so many fucking directions. I can't do this for much longer. But I have to. ANd I don't have anyone I can talk to about this

#tw sui vent #people pleaser #tw vent #vent post #tw knife mention #tw cursing #tw depressing thoughts #please tell me if i need to add more tws

[mxstball]

"So, Hilda strikes again, huh?"

"...."

"'s one way to put it, I guess." Zinnia leaned back on Shiro. "Like, how did this girl even manage to FIND an extra Black and White Stone?"

Heidi shrugged. "How does Hilda manage to do half of the things that she manages to do? It's Hilda."

"Fair point."

Heidi looked back up Shiro. "So, Leaf's your hero, huh?"

Shiro nodded.

"Zinnia is Kuro's hero while Leaf is mine. However, we chose to switch to give the four of us a balance of perspective."

Heidi nodded.

"Well, Shiro. Zinnia may not necessarily be your hero, but she'll always be mine." She looked at Zinnia. "Zinnia and I have gone through so much together since she caught me. We've had our ups and downs, yes, but she's taught me and helped me through so much of my new life. No matter what, I'll always cherish her in my heart."

"Lacey, I'm right here." Zinnia shook her head. "Stop talking like I'm dead or something."

Heidi laughed and patted Zinnia's head. She looked back at Shiro. "...Take care of her for me? Rayquaza does all he can and Goodra helps her get out of trouble, but it's always good to have someone a bit more involved."

"You have my word, Great Latias."

"...." Zinnia was conflicted on her emotions. A part of her wanted to cry and to beg for Heidi to stay, but no matter how she felt, letting Heidi go was just the right thing to do. It all felt so surreal that this is the way that this all has to end.

Heidi smiled at the both of them, kissed Zinnia's forehead and started walking away to her room.

"Lacey! Wait!"

Heidi stopped and turned around. "Yeah, Zinnia?"

Zinnia took out her Friend Ball and pressed it. A blue glow enveloped Heidi before it disappeared.

Zinnia released Latias! Bye bye, Lacey!

"There you go. Make sure you visit us, alright? Oh, and especially make sure you see lil' Lati every here and there, too!" Zinnia tossed the Friend Ball at Heidi.

Heidi caught the ball, but then decided to do something different. She opened it... and broke it in two. Heidi walked up to Zinnia and gave the top half to Zinnia. "Of course. Just because I'm accepting my fate here doesn't mean that we're no longer friends, right?" She stored the bottom half for herself.

Zinnia pocketed the piece. "Right. But I'll have to hunt your ass down if you don't visit. You know I will!"

The two laughed. "You and your father both probably."

Shiro could tell that the two showed a high level of respect for each other. Every moment showed that Kuro was more and more right to choose her as her Hero. It was a shame that it all had to end this way, but Shiro had faith that all will be well at the end of this.

#muse zinnia #plot: 1000 cuts #muse heidi

[an-asuryampasya]

hello. more linguistics-based navel gazing (it's been a while!). added a cut because it got long. feel free to scroll past!

huh. so i knew phonetic* languages mean there's no ambiguity about how a word is pronounced (as opposed to English, for instance, which isn't a phonetic language so the way 'u' sounds in 'butter' and 'putter' differs).

*turns out this is just a layperson definition of phonetic languages, and not a proper linguistic term! did not know that.

anyway, so yes, phonetic languages have the benefit of telling you how stuff sounds, which is excellent (and YET I still managed to mess up Telugu dictation tests as a kid. literally how. anyway, I digress). and the following seems very obvious in hindsight but it didn't strike me until literally yesterday that the corollary of this is that in English you need to read the entire word before starting to say it out loud in order to get it right. as in, consider what made me realise this in the first place: I saw a car with 'V E N U -' written on it, the car model or brand or whatever, and the font was very spaced out. So I couldn't see the entire word at first, and assumed it would be VENUS. Then the space in front of me cleared and turns out it was 'VENUE'. The 've' sounds quite different in each case. Had someone asked to read it out, I'd have started off wrong and have to correct myself because I wouldn't know how to start the word properly until I know the whole word. I mean, it's not a Shocker. I just never thought about it's not just that phonetic languages tell you how to pronounce an unfamiliar word, it's also that they tell you how to start familiar words before you read the whole thing.

And as an extension, I wonder how that affects slow vs fast reading. I'm quite comfortable with English, but when reading Telugu I usually need to break words apart as I'm reading them. I can do it conveniently - like, take my url. I imagine if I ever seeing it for the first time, you'd hear me slowly stammering my way through it going "a- su-ryam-pasya". I'd get it right, but with a lot of gaps in between. (Assuming I read the individual letters properly - which I often don't, but that's not the point.) If it were an unfamiliar English word, I'd not know which version of 'a' to start with. I wonder whether that means slow readers/learners pick a sound at fist instantly and then correct themselves if necessary at the end by repeating the word, or if that slows down their reading further because they take a moment to deliberate. Or, if they read it entirely differently. Like, I developed the habit of starting saying words out loud even before I know the end of the word because I have confidence that I'm probably getting the sounds right, albeit the word sounds broken and is stammered through. In fact I rush into saying what I recognise out loud quicker, because I am very conscious of being a slow reader and getting judged for it. Do those who are not comfortable with English develop different reading-out-loud habits though? Because they might get judged negatively for reading slowly, but they also will get judged negatively for reading incorrectly. I mean ideally neither happens but in reality the majority need to balance the two I suppose?

ANYWAY! That leads me to the next thing I realised about my speech. Remember I said I wouldn't know how to start the 'a' sound of my url had it encountered it for the first time written in English? Well, I lied. I would know simply because I recently realised that the way I pronounce the 'a' sound of new words depends on what I perceive to the origin of the word. 'asuryampasya', to me, immediately looks like a word with Sanskrit origins. I've seen enough Indian-language-based words written in the English script to almost always be able to guess if it's not an English word, but an Indian word written in English. Of course there's room for error, but between context clues, overconfidence, and how used to this I am (I mean, practically every name I hear/see is an Indian word written in English), I know I'm right. Why does this matter? Because while there's multiple ways for the English 'a' to sound, I kinda feel like the most common version is the one used in 'ash'. Thing is, this is not how the Telugu 'a' sounds. All of the 'a's in 'asuryampasya' sound the same as each other, but different to the 'ash' sound. (Sidenote: All the Indian languages I'm familiar with have the same sound for 'a'. So I'm just going to be calling it the Indian 'a', and unfortunately I can't think of an example in English that sounds similar rn.) So if I see a brand new word in English with the letter 'a', I'll say it in the 'ash' way if I think it's got Western origins, and the Indian 'a' way if I think it's an Indian word, and if it feels like neither, I'll probably default to the Indian 'a' but I'll be a little unsure (in the last case it's entirely possible it's third way of saying 'a' tbh). I realised I do this very recently, and I am intrigued. Because accents.

Okay so, here's the thing. I do not get the Hollywood and British TV show version of the Indian accent. I do not think that's remotely what I sound like, it's not what the people around me sound like. I do NOT understand why that's the default Indian accent. The way Raj in The Big Bang Theory sounds, for example. I just go ???? because WHAT is that. I'm not alone in thinking that sounds weird and incorrect either! I don't get it. I also don't like it. Maybe I'm just deafened to the way people around me speak all the time and I'm so used to it, I don't realise we sound that way? Maybe that's how South Asians settled abroad end up sounding as a result of the change? idk. my mum posits it might be that that's how North Indians sound when they switch to English - idk, not convinced but I guess that's possible? I mean, I am very used to the rest of the world equating 'Indian = North Indian', so it wouldn't be surprising. (yes this is related to all the vitriolic posts about hindi hegemony i was prone to when i was at uni. thing is, north india isn't just Hindi either! So this hegemony hurts THEM too. ffs. anyway, I rant enough about that on this blog. time to change it up a lil and restrain myself this time.) (also we have more film industries than just bollywood so fuck that too. I don't even watch films much but it still rankles me when people associate indian films with just hindi/bollywood. I don't necessarily blame them, to be clear. I obviously know only the most famous things to come out of other countries so I'd be a hypocrite to insist on this. But that doesn't mean I like it alklfdsfsl but this annoyance is directed at hindi, not at the folks making the assumption. usually, obviously if they're supposed to know this then I'd get all riled up and righteously miffed. also damnit i was NOT supposed to get sucked into ranting about hindi again. oh. DAMNIT. I did that thing where someone's grumbling about [thing] unfairly always being the focus and in doing so fall foul to the exact same thing by making Hindi the focus of a post that had nothing to do with it at first. hate it when i do this. ._.)

GETTING BACK TO THE POINT - I don't get the Hollywood Indian accent. But you know what I think is a really good indicator of the actual Indian accent? The 'a's. The way I say the 'a' in asymptote, for example. For some reason it feels natural to use the Indian 'a' there. Like, the dictionaries confirm that 'asymptote' in US English begins with the 'ass' sound, sort of. But in Indian English I'd start it with something closer to 'uh'. Not exactly 'uh', but that's closer to how the Indian 'a' sounds. I don't do this with all words though! 'ass' stays the same as US English, as does 'ash'. But not all words. And I'm not sure what is the basis on which I choose? Sometimes I'm even making the choice consciously - I change the way I speak certain words if I feel compelled to sound posh or something. I'm just, I have so many questions. It's not based on how I'd map it to Indian letters I think (I'd use the same letter for 'asymptote' and 'aspire' if I transliterate them into Telugu). (Sidenote: Transliteration into a phonetic is very useful! When I need to identify the number of syllables in an English word and get confused, I write it out in Telugu or Hindi and count the number of letters - it's always correct.) idk on what basis I choose, especially if I perceive it to be a Western word. It's usually a subconscious choice but I'm quite curious.

anyway. so yeah, if you're practicing an Indian accent, look at the 'a's. Or maybe some other letter if it's a different language. I also did not consider how other letters work between Indian languages and English, actually. There might be more like this. A is easy to pick up on because it's the first in both I guess. Also, if asked to map English and Telugu letters, I know what I'd map 'a' to. but if i'm writing english words in telugu, I often use a different letter. but will I associate that letter with 'a' in my head? never, for some reason. okay so i'm stopping here because i got distracted. apparently that's how i should plan these posts. set up distractions to occur after a while so i'll stop. otherwise i just keep jumping from topic to topic and going on indefinitely. at least it's better in the body! when this happens in the tags tumble doesn't tell me when i cross 30 tags and instead just eats them up after i hit post. :( also hey, progress. minimal parentheses this time! I separated the topics into different paras, for most part, rather than my usual brackets within brackets within brackets policy. aaaaaaand i'm off on another tangent immediately after noting that i ran out of tangents since my focus was broken. OKAY STOPPING NOW PROMISE

#and i am NOT starting a brand new tangent in the tags as usual either #i am resisting the urge despite having a tangent in mind‚ please clap #placeholder tag

[coquelicoq]

Hi - I didn't want to bog down the poor OP's post any further, but your tags are MAGIC, they absolutely got me into Untamed when lockdown was sending me crazy so thank you very much indeed for them! I did feel .. kinda awkward responding to them because tag rambles are a gift! an artform! not necessarily actual questions people want answered! [1/2]

but they were such Good Questions that were hampered by not 100% accurate subtitles (a thing which is impossible) and the part of my brain that means I still actually manage to enjoy my job even when I want to strangle my clients and set their computers on fire just Lit Up... Anyway, yes, I am delighted by Cherry Magic, the performances in this scene, and your ongoing reactions that have made me go back and rewatch twice now! [2/2]

no need to feel awkward, i was really excited that you answered those questions!! i just never want it to seem like i'm DEMANDING answers, because i'm not entitled to anyone's time like that (and also because sometimes my questions are just very basic ignorance and i don't want to make anybody hold my hand). but like, if someone has answers and wants to share them with me, that's always cool! so yeah i really appreciate your time and insight, thank you <3

#i wrote this very long second paragraph about Translation and the responsibility i feel as a fan who requires subtitles #to not annoy the crap out of everyone in the fandom who doesn't #but it was rambly and i decided to spare you ahaha #idk i guess what it comes down to is i don't want to be one of those Western fans who can't speak the language and doesn't have much #cultural background who feels entitled to having everything explained to her by people who should just be able to enjoy shit in peace #like this wasn't made for me. i am a guest here. you know? #i probably don't always manage to strike that balance but it is always on my mind #anyway thank you again your explanation was super interesting and i found it very helpful!!!! #cherry magic #asks #also i'm so flattered my tags played a part in you watching cql! that is a high compliment and i'm glad you enjoyed it ^^ #not anon

[tetsusgoing]

Kuroo's notes : quite suggestive ~

"Is this the final step to your plan?" You look up at kuroo with a quizzical look. "What plan?"

He grins boyishly, "the plan to make me fall in love with you of course."

You roll your eyes at him but don't fight back the smile that creeps its way to your face; he is a dork with too much time on his hands, but you're okay with that just as long as he's your dork.

"Yeah, well," you point your cream-covered whisk at him, "is it working?" You know your own face is probably a bright red right now but you make sure to mimic his own mischievous smile — using his own weapon against him.

And like every time you have managed to throw something smart back at him, kuroo's cheeks are painted with pink as he laughs nervously, trying (and failing) to not sound like he lost. He mumbles out a good one baby and pulls at the collar of his shirt, a habit you know he does when he's nervous.

You smile to yourself and go back to ignoring him, while he whines like a five-year-old, for the sake of finishing his birthday cake before you run out of time. After all you still have to prepare the apartment you two share for the small party you insist on hosting for him. He had argued that he doesn't need or want one but you had your mind set on giving him a memorable birthday. You glance at the clock and notice it's only two in the afternoon; but you know that if you let him, kuroo would manage to distract you the whole day.

"It's my birthday and you're too busy making this stupid cake!" He wails out seemingly recovered from his defeat. He reaches across the counter to hold your hand (the busy ones) but you slap his hands away. He frowns at you and juts his lips out, and when he receives no reaction from you, he sighs and blobs his head down on the counter.

"Tetsu, stop acting like a child and let me finish this cake so you can fucking eat it." You pause the whisking as an idea strikes you.

"Unless," you just think that maybe kuroo deserves a taste of his own medicine every once in a while, that maybe you can go on teasing him more. "Unless you don't want to open up your special present." You make sure to lower your voice, knowing it will grab his attention.

He perks up immediately and you have to hold back a laugh at how his eyes widden in interest, "what gift."

You hum to yourself and turn your back to him, pretending like you don't hear him, but he can tell by the smile on your face that you try desperately to hold back that you're messing with him.

Kuroo groans and you can hear the stool scratch aganist the floor as he shuffles off it . You're almost disappointed that he gave up rather than allowing you to tease him the same way he does you when you suddenly find yourself off your feet — off your feet and into his arms because he carries you bridal style.

Everytime you forget how strong his arms are, this fucker always finds a way to remind you.

You're screaming in surprise, trying to balance the bowl of whipped cream before it ends up with both of you in a mess, and he just smirks at you.

"You fucking bit— tetsu put me down!"

Now he's full on laughing at your misery. He even gives you a little bounce just to squeeze another scream out of you. "Do you have a death wish for your birthday, tetsurō?" You try to sound threatening but your voice betrays you and the last syllable of his name comes out as a squeak. Fatal mistake in front of kuroo.

"Ooh baby, do I still make you nervous?" He rubs his nose against yours in a catlike gesture but you bump your forehead against his and scowl.

He pretends to be hurt. "Or maybe you're just gonna break up with me on my birthday.." he trails off for dramatic effect after he finally sets you down. You are finally able to set the bowl back on the counter and you're thankful you're not covered in cream.

"Tetsu, will you please wash the strawberries so we can actually make this cake?"

He pouts at you but moves to do it anyways — classic kuroo. But then he stops at the sink with the strawberrys cradled in his hand to turn around and look at you; you're preparing the cake layers at that point.

"What's the gift you mentioned though?"

You put down the utensils you're holding silently and kuroo feels a little threatened because you're suddenly walking towards him with an unreadable look in your eyes. He flinches when you reach for his hands but relaxes when you just take the bowl of strawberries from him to set it down.

He smiles, eyes glowing with the usual affection. You grin, your eyes glimmering with mischief. Suddenly you're shoving him against the counter beside the sink, hands digging crescent moons into his arms.

He gasps quietly from the impact but before he gets the chance to inquire, you're crashing your lips onto his. The gasp dies in his throat as you adjust your bodies like two puzzle pieces fitting into each other. Your knee is in between his thighs and he knows one wrong move means a possible unwanted guest.

You know that too but you focus all your senses on kissing him till his tongue numbs, putting every breath of yours into his mouth. You brush your tongue over his bottom lip and then bite down to elicit a needy whine from him. In a second, your tongue is in his mouth, exploring every part of his tongue like you've never kissed before. He doesn't put up a fight when your tongue dominates his and instead moves his hands to wrap around your waist.

Your hands move from pulling at his shirt to touch his neck tenderly, when his hands squeeze your hips slightly you know you hit jackpot. You trace shapes that he is too distracted to decipher on his neck, and you smile slightly into the kiss because you're aware you have full control of his body. Your skin warms from the heat of the kiss, and you pant lightly as if to release steam gathered from his touch.

You pull away and he chases your lips like a needy kitten but you push a firm hand against his shoulder to keep him in place.

You don't waste time latching onto his neck and lacing your fingers into his hair to control the angle. He lets out a low groan and you hum with your lips against his neck. His hands move to hold onto your shoulder for physical support while you lick a sensitive spot before you're biting down on it in an agonizingly slow fashion and his eyes gloss over. You take your sweet time with every spot that makes him let out groans and whimpers until his neck fills with bruises and subtle teeth marks.

You peer up at him through your lashes smiling devilishly — the most angelic little devil he's ever see. You brush your lips over a love bite for a final time and detangle yourself from his embrace. He looks at you, eyes glimmering with the need for more of your body contact; but you don't give him the chance to whine or scheme because you lean over one more time to whisper breathlessly against his ear.

"You can have more of this after your birthday part tonight, birthday boy."

#my friend said it sounds like he dies in the makeout scene. #i hope it does #— 2021 kuroo day #love u tetsurō u old man #kuroo birthday #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsurō #kuroo fluff #haikyuu x reader #kuroo x reader #hq kuroo

[myanettes]

kill this love 

pairings; darlin x sam, darlin x quinn (past/implied)

warnings; fighting, violence, character death 

summary; a final confrontation leads to a confession. 

word count; 2k

note; I did not mean for this fic to be this long sorry Lmao

@dolls-circus here's your angst

Their breath was ragged, muscles and bones aching, blood pouring from the various wounds on their body. Alas, Darlin sharply inhaled, gritting their teeth - refusing to back down. Refusing to surrender. 

Their eyes narrowed, sharpened and focused on the delirious vampire before them. Quinn growled, wiping blood off his lips, his eyes meeting theirs soon after. Darlin averted their gaze for a split second as a wave of agony struck their chest. Seizing the opportunity, Quinn pounced, his fist colliding with their ribcage with every ounce of strength he could muster despite his current, injured form.

Darlin hisses as another wave of pain threatens to render them useless. Thankfully, they manage to dodge the next blow as their body twists out of the way. Quinn snarls, his fangs retracting, they could tell by the way his eyes lit up, that he was planning something. 

"You shouldn't have bit the hand that fed you, little wolf." Darlin internally grimaces, hating the way he uses the once loving nickname he had for them, against them. 

"I wouldn't have if you didn't hurt all those people. My friend included." The words leave their mouth before Darlin has a chance to reconsider them and judging by the way Quinn smirked, it's probably better they didn't. 

"Ah." He grinned, madness lurking within the depths of his storm coloured eyes. "If you hadn't pushed my buttons, they'd still be alive."

Darlin opens their mouth, on the verge of delivering a response but the words die in their throat as the vampire throws himself at them again. They barely miss his blow, leaning their weight against a fence, struggling for air. Their clothes were soaked in deep crimson blood, torn and shredded. Their skin was dirty, sweaty. 

"Come on Darlin. Don't run away, why don't we just end this, hm?" He coos, his voice sounds playful and amused, with a hint of bitterness on the edge Darlin knew better than to fall for his lies. "Then again...hunting you down is a lot more fun. Especially when there's nowhere for you to run, little wolf." 

The nickname struck a nerve. It reminded them of memories they wished they had long forgotten. Darlin shook their head, refusing to let him distract them. They had to focus, they had to win.

Their head pounded and their legs throbbed and trembled. In the corner of their eye, Darlin could see bruises and cuts across Quinn's face, his lips warped into a scowl, eyes blazing with anger and fury. He looked just as injured as they did, if only they could shift…

Darlin tried everything in their power to shift, to run, to fight - but their body would not allow them to. 

They would probably die tonight. The thought, oddly enough - didn't scare them. Darlin hasn't ever been afraid of death. If they were to die, they'd at least be taking Quinn with them. The pack would no longer have to deal with their bullshit, neither would Sam. 

Sam. Their Sam. 

Tears slowly form in their eyes but the shifter does everything in their power not to let them fall. They were supposed to be fighting this bastard together. 

And instead, here they are, bleeding to death with the vampire they once loved and now despised. Hate and love have always been blurred, when it came to Quinn, at least. His charm and mystery drew them in, he distracted them from the loneliness of their life. Darlin was reluctant to admit it but once upon a time, they loved Quinn. Loved.

And maybe, deep down, he loved them too. 

Quinn strikes them again, kicking their abdomen and laughing cruelly as they cry out in anguish. Their grip on the fence loosens and they tumble, unable to regain their balance, Darlin hadn't the strength to do so. 

How could they have ever loved a monster like Quinn? 

"If you stayed with me, I wouldn't be doing this. You turned your back on me, remember that." His voice is bitter and his words sting. The shifter grits their teeth, doing everything in their power not to pass out as another wave of pain hits the wound on their side. 

At least if they died, no one else would get hurt.

"I left you because you became jealous and toxic and you went and killed my friend. I'm not the reason our relationship ended - you are."

Quinn is like a storm. He looks beautiful from the outside and once you get to know him, his charisma and manipulation draw you in, it chokes you and engulfs your entire being. When they met him that night, Darlin saw a part of themselves in him, apart they have now long forgotten. Hopefully.

Quinn kneels, roughly grabbing their jaw and forcing their face closer to his. For a split second, Darlin swears they see the same sweet look he gave them when they first met. For a single moment, being so close doesn't seem all that bad. 

"I could kill you right now," Quinn states, digging his nails into their skin. "It would be so easy." 

Darlin weakly chuckles. "Go on then. I'm not stopping you. I'm not going to beg, you should know that." 

"I wonder what Sam would think of you if he knew about all the things you and I have done. I doubt he'd be able to look you in the eye."

Darlin coughs, blood staining their lips. Each breath caused sparks of pain throughout their body. Damnit. They can't let this bastard win. They won't. Not after everything he's done to them and their friend.

And so, despite the amount of damage their body has taken, Darlin forces themselves back up, staring Quinn dead in the eye. A growl releases from their throat and a twisted smile meets Quinn's lips.

"Just can't give up, can you?" 

Quinn goes to strike them again and as Darlin moves to duck, they watch as Quinn is thrown across the alleyway, hitting a brick wall. While the sadistic vampire is distracted, Sam quickly turns his attention to Darlin, who stood barely conscious and losing a lot of blood. 

"I'll keep him down as long as I can, you get out of here in the meantime."

"What? I'm not leaving you, not with him. He'll kill you, Sam." Darlin frantically shrieks, horrified by their vampires suggestion. If he thinks they'd ever leave him now, he has another thing coming. 

"Darlin-

Out of the corner of their eye, Darlin notices Quinn spitting out blood, his murderous gaze firmly set on Sam. In a swift movement, the vicious vampire rushes at Sam, dragging him out of their grasp. He shoves him against a wall, baring his fangs chuckling as Sam struggles against his hold. 

"I honestly don't get what you see in them. They're nothing special but don't worry, you two can be together in death once I kill the both of you." 

Sam growls and pushes Quinn off him, kicking and punching wherever he could. While the two vampire fought, Darlin's eyes fell upon a long piece of wood, tucked away within the shadows. An idea struck them. 

Darlin limped toward the wooden weapon, grasping it tightly. Their eyes meet Sam's and he nods. It's now or never. Quinn is far too occupied to realize shifter trudging in his direction, gripping the wood for dear life. 

Sam retorts back a response to Quinn's insult, occupying him further, long enough for Darlin to raise the wood and sink it deep into Quinn's back. The vampire screams in pain, crumbling to the ground as blood oozed from the stab wound. Sam wasted no time in rushing to Darlin's side, gently walking them away from the dying vampire. 

Quinn's eyes eventually stopped moving and his body followed suit. 

"Is...Is he dead?" Darlin says breathlessly, clinging onto their vampire as he sits them down on a nearby bench.

"Yeah, you did it, Darlin. I knew you could." Sam half-smiled, caressing their cheek as he heals a scratch on their skin. 

"But it was reckless, why didn't you call me? He could have killed you." Sam didn't mean to sound so angry but their impulsiveness ground his gears at the best of times.

"I didn't have time to. It was now or never. I killed him, we won. We don't have to worry about that twisted bastard anymore." 

"That's not the point, Darlin," Sam argues, glancing back at the dead vampires body, his eyes narrowing. "What if you were the one lying there? What if he killed you? Then what?" 

Darlin scoffed. "He didn't kill me, he's dead now! That's all that matters!" 

Sam shakes his head, murmuring under his breath something along the lines of "stubborn and pain in the ass."

"Does your life really mean that little to you? News flash Darlin, you're not indestructible so stop acting like it. I could have lost you, you could have died. Quinn being killed isn't all that matters!"

"It is!" Darlin yells back, breath heaving. "If I called you, he might have killed you too! Do you honestly think I need you to protect me? I am perfectly capable of protecting myself!"

Sam let out a bitter laugh. "Oh really? I guess that's why I'm always the one to heal you after you go do something stupid and right now, it certainly looks like you need my help given how much blood you're losing."

"I'm fine. I don't need you." The words leave their mouth before the shifter can reconsider them and judging by the flicker of hurt in their vamps eyes, they probably should have kept their damn mouth shut. 

Neither says a word as Sam continues to heal them. Darlin bites their lip, not daring to look him in the eye. They didn't mean what they said. He means everything to them. Darlin had no idea how to show him. 

"You're stubborn." He begins. "And impulsive. Reckless. I'm trying to help you, why can't you see that?" 

Darlin stands up, moving closer to their vamp. "I don't get why you care so much! You barely even know me. And like Quinn said, I'm not worth it. So stop fawning over me as if I'm fragile glass on the verge of breaking!" 

"Of course I care! And you know what?" Sam grabs their arms and pulls them closer to him. "I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone and when I saw Quinn hurting you, I wanted to kill them there and then. And I do know you, I know you're terrified of being alone and deep down, you don't hate the pack as much as you say you do."

"Why do you care so fucking much?!" Darlin yelled, fighting against Sam's grip. 

"I care because I love you more than anyone else in this goddamn world!" Sam shouts, looking at his wolf widen their eyes in shock. Darlin stands still, unable to get their mouth to formulate coherent words. He loves them. Sam loves them. It didn't feel real.

They wanted to say it back so badly it hurt. I love you too, Sam. The words felt natural and gave them a feeling they hadn't felt since they met Quinn. 

Darlin parts their lips to reply, only for Sam to get there first. 

"I'm done." 

...what? 

"I'm done, Darlin. I can't do this anymore. I can't." 

Sam searches their eyes for anything, finding no emotion behind their stare. He touches their cheek one last time, letting his touch linger - savouring how soft their skin felt. He didn't want to let them go. He didn't. But what choice did he have? His wolf made their decision and how he has to make his, no matter how much it hurts. 

"You're right Darlin. We killed him and that's the end of it." 

Darlin says nothing, despite every thought in their mind screaming at them not to let Sam go. 

Their vampire slowly walks away, stopping to look back at them. "Goodbye, Darlin." This time, he keeps walking and doesn’t look back. 

#redacted asmr #redacted asmr sam #redacted asmr darlin #sam x darlin #sam x darlin fic