#i posted it on my vent blog because i didn't want to hurt anyone on this one

[th3-c0rps3-r0gu3]

hidden sadness.

pairings: Natasha X fem reader.

Warnings: depression, lots of sadness. Swearing. Thoughts of self harm. Yelling.

Happy ending tho.

A/n: this is a vent post. And Natasha is only a year older than y/n in this. Please do not mind me dumping my bottled up sadness here.

Y/n had joined the Avengers when she was 23. She had been hoping for a new start. And she had always been really good with daggers. Like exceptionally good. So she had gained the avengers trust quite easily.

The avengers would describe y/n as walking sunshine. She was always able to cheer someone up or just bring the happiness level up in general. It was a known fact that y/n was friends with every avenger. Every avenger other than Natasha Romanoff. For some inexplicable reason Natasha hated y/n. However despite Natashas dislike for her y/n was always kind towards her.

Natasha would describe y/n as a clingy childish girl who never experienced the hardships if the world and probably had everything handed to her on a silver platter. And the only reason that y/n was on the avengers was because her dad brought her a place and claimed she was good with daggers.

Nobody had actually seen y/n handle a dagger. But every mission y/n went on came out successful so they assumed she was as good as she claimed. Everyone but Natasha who suspected y/n just had someone else do the job for her.

Y/n however was far from either of the avengers expectations. She was a happy ball of sunshine on the outside but inside was a while nother story. In all reality y/n was sad. Desperately sad. Y/n found it hard to even get up of a morning. She forgot meals and basic health things. Luckily she could easily brush it off as simple forgetfulness as it fit her personality.

Despite y/n desperately wanting to tell someone, anyone, about her sadness she couldn't. Not the avengers. They had enough issues to deal with as well as their own sadness. Y/n's mother didn't understand. She tried to but she couldn't grasp her daughter's depression. And y/n's father had left for another woman a year ago. Not that that changed anything as he basically ignored y/n her whole life. So y/n bottled her sadness. Well she had one place she put it. A blog she had. There she could dump all her emotions under an alias where noone would recognise her and tell the other Avengers.

On social media y/n went under "inej". Her favourite book character whom she shared her dagger and knife skill with. Y/n's blog was her safe haven. The one place where she could be y/n y/l/n and not just "the silver blade" which was her hero name. Nobody but y/n's followers knew about y/n's depression. If it's even depression. Y/n don't know. All she knew was she was sad.

"hey y/n you think you could show us your daggers?"

Kate asked from beside yelena. The other Avengers turned to look at y/n.

"sorry Kate not today. Maybe another day."

Y/n responded shooting Kate an apologetic look. Y/n didn't like to show her daggers to others. They were special. Her grandma handcrafted them specially for y/n before she passed away. She had left y/n with twenty daggers in a wooden box with a glass lid. It was important to y/n as it was the last thing her grandma ever gave her.

"of course you cant. Because they don't exist. Admit it y/l/n you use your father's power to get your missions done."

Natashas voice broke y/n out of thought. It was cold and cruel but y/n was used to it.

"sorry to disappoint Natasha but I don't use my father's status to get missions done. I do have daggers but I can't show them to you. It's personal and I've said that."

Y/n gave Natasha smile. Natasha had always been y/n's favourite avenger. It saddened her more that Natasha hated y/n. Natasha simply scoffed at y/ns words and smile.

"what's personal about daggers. Their just fancy knives."

Natasha's insult hurt. Not that y/n would ever show it.

"leave it alone nat."

Steve said frowning. Natasha glared at him before leaving the room.

"sorry for her behaviour y/n."

Steve said then turning to y/n.

"it's fine Steve. I'm used to it. I know she'll eventually get over it."

Y/n responded calmly. She then hesitated.

"I'm gonna go to my room though. I feel awkward now. I'll see you all later ok."

Y/n then finished. The avengers nodded and y/n retreated to her room.

Y/n had a simple room in which no one but her was aloud in. It had bookcases lining two walls and a bunk bed with a study area underneath in the corner. There was a picture frame that held two photos. One of y/n with her mother and the other of y/n with her grandma the day she gifted y/n the daggers. Under said photos was the box contained the daggers. The daggers were intricately decorated with dragons or crows. Dragons because y/n adored them and crows as a reference to y/n's favourite book duology, six of crows.

Y/n climbed up to her bed and lay down grabbing her phone to dump her emotions on social media. Opening her blog she created a post. It just went on about how her friend group had one person who hated her despite her attempts at being friendly. And her slight struggles to deal with her depression and not being able to discuss it. After posting she turned off her phone and lay down sighing. Y/n didn't feel much better. She glanced back at the daggers. What if... No. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She didn't have the heart to do it. Let alone deal with her mother's sadness or the avengers sadness if she was caught. Besides her suit was sleeveless. Y/n buried the thought to the back if her mind.

A few hours had passed now. Wanda called everyone down for a team meal. Y/n wasn't hungry. She made the simple excuse of she wasn't hungry and went back to her room. Not after getting another snarky remark from Natasha though. This time a dig at her size. Y/n wasn't big but she wasn't skinny like the others either. It wasn't a bad thing and y/n knew that but it still hurt.

Once back in her room y/n turned in her music and as 'devil town' by cavetown came on she pulled out her sketchbook and drew. That was y/n's only other coping mechanism that kept her away from sh. Other than reading, drawing was one of the only things y/n legitimately enjoyed anymore. As the lines started to take a shape y/n realised she was drawing a realistic heart that was cracked open and bleeding. Disturbing but accurate to y/n's emotions currently. Mean while downstairs the other Avengers were arguing with Natasha.

"you can't say that natasha. It could really hurt her feelings y'know."

Wanda scolded. Natasha rolled her eyes.

"she's a cinnamon bun Wanda she's fine."

Natasha said. Wanda frowned at Natasha and was about to make another comment when Yelena interupted.

"can we not do this over dinner. You two can have your quarrel after food."

Wanda and Natasha sighed before sitting back down. Everyone ate in silence as the obvious tension between Wanda and Natasha was uncomfortable.

The next few weeks went by almost the same. Y/n continued her happy persona and Natasha continued to make hurtful jabs while the other Avengers disapproved. Y/n continued to act like it didn't matter. Then Natasha and y/n were assigned the same mission. It was simple. Break into HYDRA put the information on the hard drive and then blow up the place. Easy right. Wrong. Natasha was furious.

"why can't I do it on my own!?"

Natasha fumed at fury. Y/n stood there silent.

"I don't need some happy go lucky daddies girl bugging me as she fakes being an avenger!"

That actually hurt y/n and she flinched though nobody noticed.

"well there's obviously some drama between you both and you need to figure it out. Besides the other Avengers need a break."

Fury remained professional despite the red head yelling at him. Before Natasha could even think of a response fury left. Natasha whipped around to face y/n.

"you better not fuck this up or I will fuck you up got that daddies girl."

Natashas voiced dropped with venom at this statement and y/n simply nodded. The black widow proceeded to storm out of the room leaving y/n to mull over this situation.

The day of departure was the hardest y/n ever experienced. She felt so heavy. It was unbearable to leave the sanctuary of her bed let alone her bedroom. Despite all odds she managed to get up and grab her daggers and change in time to meet Natasha. Y/n had also grabbed a couple books and her sketchpad. This was not a single day mission and y/n knew she was gonna need some coping mechanisms or else things would go south.

Y/n met Natasha at the launch pad to board the quinjet. Natasha scowled at y/n and went on about her nearly being late. Y/n was early. They boarded and started the long flight to the HYDRA base.

The majority of the flight Natasha scowled at y/n and made harsh comments. Y/n simply read to drown it out. As soon as they landed and headed to the hotel they were staying at Natasha made almost silent judgements about the way y/n held and carried herself. Y/n simply sighed and tried to ignore it. They checked into the hotel and entered their room. Lucky for them it had two beds. Y/n set up to the one next to a window and natasha on the one closest to the door.

The first night y/n and Natasha needed to discuss plans if the break in. That was mostly Natasha telling y/n what to do and ignoring any statements y/n made before bringing them up later as if her own ideas. Y/n went along with it.

The next day they were to stake out the base. It went as well as one could anticipate from Natasha and y/n. Natasha constantly criticized y/n and said she was too obvious and how this was just proof of her faking her missions successes. It ended worse. Y/n had ended up in a trap and Natasha had to get her out before HYDRA agents found them. It was worse when back at the hotel.

"how could you be so stupid! Had I known you were this shitty I would've demanded a new partner till I got one! You jeopardized the whole mission you know that right!? Your not an avenger. Your a pathetic excuse who only got to join the team cos her daddy brought her a spot."

Natasha yelled. Y/n blocked out the rant. She had heard enough if Natashas rants to know the lines this one would take. Bla bla ball you could've got us caught. Bla bla bla your a failure. Bla bla bla daddy's girl. That was all Natasha's rants. Soon however Natasha ran out of air and stormed into the bathroom to take a shower. Y/n decided to make a post for her blog.

'inej':

-hey guys. I think screwed up again. It's all I ever seen to do now a days. I truly feel like a failure. I could've gotten my friend in trouble on accident. I've also been left alone with the friend who hates me. I keep fucking up and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm trying. But sometime it feels like it's not enough. Stay safe.-

Y/n posted it and then turned off her phone before pulling out a book to read the rest of the night. Y/n knew sleep was not gonna be an option tonight. Sleepless nights were more common now.

Today was the infiltration day. Today was the important day. And y/n could only think about how she was gonna fuck up. Natasha got ready and y/n joined her outside. They were soon both outside the base again.

"ok I'm doing all the work as your incapable of doing anything right. Just follow my orders and maybe you won't fuck this up."

Natasha demanded. Y/n nodded. Natasha then lead y/n in.

At first everything was going smoothly. Till Natasha was downloading the information and it tripped a security alarm. HYDRA agents filled the room and Natasha and y/n were fighting for their lives while gathering the information. Y/n didn't have time to grab her daggers and she wasn't too good at hand to hand combat without them. That and the sleepless night and y/n was fighting terribly. Natasha obviously noticed and took it as y/n being incapable of doing the mission and a liar like she thought. Then Natasha saw the files were downloaded. She quickly went to retrieve the USB and turned to yell at y/n to ditch before g/n barged into Natasha and a bullet was shot. Y/n yelled at Natasha to grab the USB and run and that she had the bombs to blow it up. Natasha did run. She felt no obligation to help y/n. Soon after Natasha was out y/n got the time to whip out her daggers and soon the agents were dead. Y/n planted the bombs and exited the building and blew it up. Y/n met with Natasha at the hotel room.

"what the fuck were you thinking!? You nearly got me killed. Your pathetic attacks were useless! We could if failed because of you. Let alone you jumping at me!? And where are you stupid daggers huh!? I never even saw a blade in your hands!"

Natasha screamed. Y/n was tired and bleeding. Littlest did Natasha realise was y/n had take a bullet for natasha. Had she not jumped at Natasha she would if died. But all Natasha was doing was yelling at y/n for saving her life. No. She had enough.

"I jumped at you to take a goddamn bullet!"

Y/n finally gestured to the bleeding wound in her chest. Natasha shit up but before she could speak y/n began to yell this time.

"and the reason I didn't pull out my daggers was because I didn't have an opening to! I saved your stupid life and what I get is being screamed at!? I've tried so hard to get to where I am now. And you daddies girl comments sting y'know. And if you knew jackshit you'd know that my father left my mother for another woman a year ago. Even before that he hardly acknowledged my existence! I have tried so hard to be good at this but I can't! I'm just sad all the time. I struggle to get out of bed. Yet I try to keep you and the other Avengers happy because I don't want to bring down high spirits! Maybe this was a mistake and that being an avenger was a shit decision but I enjoy it! Or I did."

Y/n finished her rant and then looked at a shell shocked Natasha. The y/n pulled out her bloody daggers.

"and those non existent daggers are here."

Natasha now stared at the daggers. Then she eyed the bullet wound.

"i.. I'm sorry. I didn't know."

She said almost shakily.

"no. You didn't know. You don't bother to know. To know Ive been miserable near you. I've thought about self harming before but you have nearly made me actually do it! And y'know what. Maybe I should. Just to relieve the pain you cause me!"

Y/n shouted. Natasha looked scared at the mention of self harm.

"don't do that. Don't even think of that. Please I'm sorry. I didnt... I'm sorry. I am truly sorry."

Natasha said. Concern was written all over natashas face as tears streamed down y/n's. Natasha stepped forward.

"Please dont, cut yourself..."

Natasha begged. Y/n looked away.

"it's just so hard.. you making comments. Being judged about the fact I won't show my daggers because I'm not ready to face the fact that if I show them I'll need to say who gave them to me and then that leads to grandma's death.. I cant. I can't admit she's gone because if she is then I'm lost.."

Y/n practically sobbs. Natashas eyes widen at your explanation of why you refused to show your daggers. Natasha then wrapped y/n in a hug.

"I'm sorry. I was just jealous. I thought you had a privileged childhood and got everything you needed and was upset because that privilege was taken from me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to take effect in you like I did."

Natasha whispered. Y/n simply leaned into Natasha's arms.

The rest of that night was filled with, Crying, hugs, admitting troubles and making up. The two women then became friends and returned to the compound as such. They proceeded to confuse the fuck out of the other Avengers as they had departed basically enemies and now y/n and Natasha were arm in arm. Natasha explained everything and y/n was taken to therapy. Things soon got better. And eventually Natasha and y/n grew into more than friends.

A/n: the ending is shit but I didn't know how else to do it. (I redid it like 20 times). Lmk if it's shit or not. Not that I care this is just me emotion dumping lol.

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x you #black widow #natasha x y/n #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #black widow x reader #wanda maximoff #avengers x reader #the avengers #mcu #steve rogers #kate bishop #yelena belova

[pansear-doodles]

Twitter doc version (which is slightly longer and more detailed)

I reflected a bit. I kept insisting i would change and stop making mistakes. However, some individuals made me snap to the reality that I have not been doing it, and they were right.

I realized that I have been blurring this line of something for myself and something for my standing. I kept telling myself that there aren't any true stakes when this blog is made for me and my twitter is made for me. I'm no longer in the area where I can wholly express my emotions (well, i still could, but with a limit), and I would constantly create posts that exhibit that I'm emotionally vulnerable, which to many, including Wayne, finds wrong and upsetting.

I have not been understanding my true needs and have been essentially denying it. I have mangled my love of art and something between personal and something thousands of people can see. I have been undermining how far my signals can reach, believing that "this is my art blog, so i do whatever i want", that's true, but i never really understood its limits.

Some of you may find me gross after the revelation. I suppose it was the manner of opinions from that topic. While it's wrong to leak private information, especially when you're not up to date with said information, the very information itself is not a matter of technicalities- that would be something that is up to you on deciding who i am as a person from there forward. I'm sorry you had to discover it. Everyone has a bit of their strange side. And I'm starting to accept that not everyone is going to agree or support me on this. It was an uncomfortable change. I'm going to miss some people. But holding onto this baggage will not do anything for me. I must carry on. Yes. I did draw those things. So what? I know it was a mistake to draw that very specific part and I'm sorry for that; I learned of it long before the rumors started to appear and I have stopped doing it since. Do I have irrefutable proof? Of course not, unfortunately. But I am telling the truth here.

People can absolutely choose to decide their opinion of the idea of it, and if you decide to see me as a bad person for it, that's okay, but I never intended to harm anyone with it. Nobody was harmed. It was only exchanged between consenting adults and nothing more.

I never asked to be popular, but i subconsciously rode that wave. If Wayne is correct on one thing they said about me, it's that i let these conflicting emotions control me. For years i have been doing this because I grew up in bad environments where stuff like this was desensitized. I thought Wayne wanted me gone because they hated me. Well perhaps, some of it is true. Even back when we were friends, it was hard to read them, which made me walk eggshells. But nonetheless I do think Wayne did it out of care, but they did it in the worst way possible.

I didn't have the best reaction. I was too hasty because I panicked. I should have made a document that really details things that's been going on between us and the other things Wayne's done in SC (im doing that actually, one step at a time). For now though, I want to make this post for the purpose of saying that- yes, I haven't been innocent and I have been constantly hurting myself, in front of so many others nonetheless.

You would see me vent. You would see me make "pity parties". You would see my emotional vulnerability. Again, i thought with this blog and my twitter account, since it is my personal spaces, i thought it was fine. But of course it wasn't. I forgot that there are thousands of eyes, even minors who aspire from my work.

I haven't been good to myself. I made things worse and worse. I didn't know how to handle it despite dozens, if not, hundreds of people telling me. And now after realizing it, I wanted to take it to my own matters, for my own good and safety, and for the safety of others and people who worry for me and care about me. Despite all the damages, if I really want to make a change, I must really show it.

From this day on, I'll be making different blogs. One is a more personal, smaller blog where I can really express myself and would not use primary popular tags. One where i dump all of my negative emotions that are private and overlyvulnerable. And one blog- this one- where I can show my art to the world. It was stupid of me to not have thought of this solution before, but it's better late than never. I would only show these side blogs to my friends and the people who are genuine with me rather than those who idolize me only for my art. I should really make a clear boundary between the me on the fandom side of things, and the me on the myself side of things.

I plan to make my twitter inactive. I don't know why I've been insistent on keeping it up, but now i know and it's an ugly side of me i denied constantly: I kept it up for fame, because I equated fame to my self importance- which isn't good. You would see it evidently when I get upset about the numbers. It was easier for people to access my stuff. This amount of attention has become a detriment to my mental health but, back then, shutting it down would subconsciously mean that "the bad people won". Throughout growing up on the internet, I'd see these artists back away from their popular accounts. I didn't really understand why. I never did. But now I really know. A sacrifice has to be made, and it would be something that helps me most of all. Plus, twitter is too negative for me. I would really only use it to look at art and news, but all the other drama sticks and paparazzi and blegh- no man i think id rather sit here.

I *may* still occasionally post things there, but I'd primarily post on tumblr, where things are more relaxed.

So what did I want? Fame or comfort? My comfort was entangled in fame and it became an uncomfortable experience. What I desired to draw became also the desire from others. In truth, i definitely enjoy making rain world art. I love making my anthro au. The very reason why I made Rain world fanart in the first place was because I was sad and drawing the characters where they were happier and loved helped me cope. I anthromorphize the characters with this empathy. I believe this was the biggest reason why the anthro au was made. It was made because of the high empathy, which is why it was meaningful and closest to me- and I loved when other people understood and loved it too. My feelings were understood. I surrounded myself with friends and people and took great comfort when they shared this experience with me. And I was touched every time someone else showed their anthro au, with or without my influence. I never felt alone in these moments. I felt like I was seen. But i know not everyone is going to be my friend and not every output everyone makes is for my own likeness. There were those who wanted to be my friend for my fame and nothing more. And those who expressed that they didn't like my anthro au, i unfortunately took them as personal attacks. This is definitely not the case at all, and I'm sorry for invalidating any forms of critiques. This was an awful thing for me to do and everything got carried away in the end. I likened my au too much to the point its starting to become something that controls my judgement.

The matter of filtering what I post isn't censorship. It isn't invalidating my feelings and it isn't the matter of controlling out of fame. It is a matter of defending myself and in turn keeping others safe. The very reason why my insecurities kept getting enabled was because of me and not what other people do to me (well, it can be, but i admit I'm not completely clean from it). If people truly want to empathize with me, it should really only be my loved ones and me taking alone time like watching yt videos or taking walks.

As for the frequency of updates, people take issue with my lack of time and breaks. Admittedly, I have been having issues of time senseless for the past months and amnesia. A whole week can feel like a few days, a single day can feel like a whole week, two weeks can feel like a month. So on. These are side effects of my mental illness and I should work on it better. Like making alarms.

I thank everyone who has been very patient with me throughout my time in this fandom. I thank my followers who stuck by me despite everything. I thank my friends who cared for me and remained my friends throughout it all. I'm sorry I haven't been the best artist to those I have affected. I'm sorry I haven't been giving great examples. I'm sorry for being stuck up on believing that whatever I'm doing is correct and have been avoiding the criticism of it. And most of all, I'm sorry to everyone whose advice I ignored, even Wayne.

Overall, I'm taking one step at a time for these things. Block people liberally- that's something I've been avoiding because it felt mean, but I should utilize more. Of all of my ignorance, emotional breakdowns, the wrongs i did upon myself which then to others, I never meant any of it maliciously. There is no black and white here. Only gray morals. Wayne was a shitty person, but I was a shitty person too. I haven't been nice to myself, but starting now, I will be a little bit more selfish (in a way that helps me and doesn't hurt other people). How you evaluate me as a person is up to you. I'll welcome anyone who's nice to me in my specific spaces regardless.

But no matter what happens, I'll push forward. Because I love art and I love my friends, and I'll keep fighting for it and against the horrors that keep me from self-respect. I should focus on the things that make me happy.

Thank you, everyone. I truly mean it.

#thoughts #drama #ask to tag #long

[stalkersdiary]

~NEVER Abandoned, and Never Alone~

A long post with odd topics. You've been warned ahead of time but this talks about some very... personal things. This turned into a vent post very quickly. (I'm not mad at you Seth/JustAThrowAwayHeeHee. I'm just using you as my reason to post as this made me realize I needed to say something.) I saw a response to me and I felt very sad because I never considered this point of view before.

I would NEVER abandon my diary. Mostly because... It's my Diary. It's my place to go to when I need to talk. However, I haven't been doing that and I regret it. Tonight, I want to talk to you. My diary. To be honest, I've spent a lot of this month in... a deep sense of melancholy. My last relationship hurt like hell and no better time to think of it... than Valentine's day. Valentine's MONTH for those who are happy and in love with someone/something. I spent a long time getting close to someone, just for them to hurt me, make me fear my own bed, and then wish that I could kill them. That feeling HURTS when you loved someone and then feel so repulsed by their actions and words, that you wish them death. It's been about 3 years since then, and life has moved on. I however, haven't. When everyone is telling you about how happy they are because they are so in love and you're just sitting there thinking of the last person you dated, knowing you may never date someone again, it feels miserable. I spent most of this month making time for myself. I started to really think about why I hated myself, why I didn't want to live, why life felt so lonely, etc. I learned more about me and FELT more about me. This sent me down a very unhappy but very clear path. I'm less afraid than I used to be. I was afraid for hundreds of reasons, but what really hit me, was that I feared my own mind and how I was being perceived. After days, and weeks of overthinking, I learned that I don't care anymore. I'm not afraid and I know that I'm claiming something unhealthy. Something disturbing to most. Something that got me in trouble before. The difference is this time, I don't care and I don't fear myself. I know me, and I wouldn't want THIS for the rest of my life. I am not afraid anymore. I'd rather be authentic and hated including by myself, than to live a lie for the rest of my life. I am not broken, because I wasn't a masterpiece to begin with. I'm a block of stone with a pretty face and no body because the sculptor got scared he'd ruin his art and left it in the dark for years. I refuse to wait any longer. I refuse to let life control me. I REFUSE, TO SIT BACK AND FEEL LIKE SHIT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE ENOUGH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL CONDITIONS TO SCARE MY ENDOCRINOLOGIST. I haven't been on normal medication in over a month and it's made me more aware of how fucked I really am. However, I don't mind who I really am. This looks unrelated but trust me, I have a point. I left because I was afraid to post. I was scared I would say something too "crazy," too unexpected, or post something no one wanted to see. HOWEVER- I didn't make this for ANYONE BUT ME. My posts can be manic, short, repetitive, etc. It's MY DIARY. This is MINE AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. I will be posting more often. I will be posting possibly for days in a row filled with chaotic babble. However, it's me and it's real. I am the one in control of my actions and until I die, I will do whatever the fuck I want. It's my life, my blog, my diary. I'm allowed to be selfish and possessive when it's about something I own.

#stalkers diary #yandere #yandere x reader #irl yandere #yandere male #yandere x you #yandere boy #male yandere #nonbinary yandere #actually yandere #yandere rambles #yandere blog #yandere community #yanblr #yanblog #darlingcore #possesive love #ask blog #gender neutral reader #actually psychotic #obsessive love #obsessive thoughts #obsessive love disorder #yandere Diary #unmedicated #mental Illness #mentally unstable #actually mentally ill #vent post #tw vent

[msookyspooky]

OMG YOU WATCHED LISA FRANKENSTIEN AND LOVED IT?! <33

I've been waiting for that especially since you've posted Gomez and Morticia (The goal of all goals) on your blog! It's an odd request but I still read and love your Set Up series so can we get a crossover with YN as Lisa Swallow's and the boys as The Creature? ( Cole Sprouse lowkey reminds me of young Skeet Ulrich which considering Riverdale it's no wonder)

Wait cause no this is such a good idea I cannot pass it up I got so much work to do but I REALLY wanna write for this! (I got so many request I'm trying to do in my inbox but uh...This is my current hyperfixation srry)

I wish I could draw better to make zombies of them fhjaafg ♡♡♡ If anyone wants to add onto this or request other characters please do (And anyone seeing this; watch Lisa Frankenstein I loved it)

🔪 Scream / Lisa Frankenstein Crossover 🧟‍♂️

Iⁿᶜˡᵘᵈᵉᵈ﹕ ʳᵃⁿᵈʸ ᵐᵉᵉᵏˢ, ˢᵗᵘ ᵐᵃᶜʰᵉʳ, ᵇⁱˡˡʸ ˡᵒᵒᵐⁱˢ, ᵐⁱᶜᵏᵉʸ ᵃˡᵗᵉʳⁱ

(Everyone is buried in this despite canon and set in the present. Fem!Reader TW: Corpse/Dead Body, Talk of Rot and Decay, Zombie BF)

🪦 Randy Meeks: Died 1998

♡ You loved his character in Stab. After you did some deep diving studying who the actual Randy was outside of the movie; you found his tombstone. (who would do this? Me and @f1nalboys Might do what Lisa did and write your name over his etched name *Meeks* on a piece of paper. Bc of course YN Meeks just has a nice ring to it)

♡ Heard you venting about life and fell in love in his restless but lucid slumber 6ft underground. Someone actually likes his character for more than comic relief? Someone understood him? They didn't think he was just the geek?

♡ After a terrible lightning storm...Guess who fumbled and broke through your window drenched in mud and decay?

♡ Is a little hurt you aren't head over heels for him in his current state. He accidentally cried even if his pride hates that he quite literally cried his own eyes out. He's used to not getting who he wants and...Well, he may not smell himself with his nostrils rotted out but considering his eye popped out; still attached to the retina and had to be pushed back in while you're covering your nose gagging; he understands even if it hurts.

♡ Takes a shower (I'd use Dawn. Bar soap or Dove ain't gonna cut it.) and wears your clothes or robe. He still smells like a dead body and has worms but he's trying. He's got a LOT of old stab wounds from dying in that van at Windsor...Holes...Things seep out so you might wanna get tape or something idk.

♡ Do not stress this undead man out if you mischaracterize a film; he cannot talk with a missing tongue to argue; it decayed decades ago.

♡ His dead, dull eyes actually have some spark of life to them when he sees streaming for the first time. So many movies he's missed out on! Give him the remote and you never gotta worry about him leaving your room while you're gone.

♡ He accidentally kills someone you definitely did not want killed after they smelled something awful in your room, went up there, screamed, Randy went to knock them out in a panic and accidentally kills them

♡ He feels awful about it and you both decide to hide the body and use their hand to replace his missing one (Fell off lol just dead things) and shock him back to circulation somehow

♡ If you do what Lisa did and let him do...Other things with a 'back massager'. He's so madly in love and yearning for you it's insane. But if you got a crush you're yearning for; he is rolling his eyes with a grunt at this being Sid and Billy or Sid and Derek allllll over again.

♡ Less corpsey he gets with each shock session; more he can't help his feelings for you. YOU have to be the one to admit your feelings to him though because what would you want with an undead geek like him? At least in his mind.

♡ Would cry his eyes out (Not literally this time) if you were killed and 100% would resurrect your body and take care of you like you did him

♡ Is as loyal as they come. Will worship you accepting him at his geekiest, dead, grossest versions of himself and you're still here

🪦 Stu Macher: Died 1996

♡ You found his tombstone as a dare to 'bring him back' like bloody mary....No duh, it didn't work. But Stu was still aware of it in a dream like state sorta way. You didn't believe in that stuff rolling your eyes at people badgering you on where you lived.

♡ A car hits a power line and the line of electricity zaps his grave and he goes home just to see...Holy shit, you own his house!

♡ He thinks he's still the playboy man slut he was in life that can get anyone he wants so he's really offended you aren't wanting him to kiss you. Why!? Cause he has worms and his lips are a little dry from sinking into rot, he's a little bit dirty with body fluid stained clothes and he smells like a dead body? Picky!

♡ Is even more offended you're gagging and covering your nose demanding he bathe. Begrudgingly takes your dumb shower and your entire tub smells like dead bird and covered in dirt.

♡ When he comes out you see his face is very scarred under all that mud he had on him. Maybe the rumor he died via a tv crashing on his head and shocking him was true?

♡ If you piss him off...Well he can't kill you cause he needs you. But he WILL hack up a worm like a hairball just to gross you out out of pure pettiness.

♡ Just steals your clothes without asking. Lounging in your best clothes that can fit while he's leaking fluids. If not, he's stealing some guys clothes in your home. Catch him lounging in your Dad/Step Dad/Brothers/Friends best fit.

♡ Tries to steal your bed till you yell at him to get in the closet before someone sees. He guards your clothes and forces you to wear the sluttiest sexiest clothes you have...What? He's helping!

♡ He is soooooooo elated they made Stab! A whole movie with him portrayed in it by a good looking actor? He is over the moon watching it on repeat.

♡ Gets lonely easily...And bored! He's sighing to himself when you're gone and thinking how Billy is dead now and all the people he once knew, knew him as a murderer and were in their 40's. In fact, don't leave him alone long; its disastrous.

♡ Not able to yap HURTS HIM. Expect a lot of hand gestures and getting him a note pad to write on because he can't handle this

♡ Kills someone after you have an issue with them not even second guessing it. What? Problem solved! AND he gets a new body part to replace the one that rotted. Win win.

♡ He is very aware and depressed his manhood rotted off decades ago and that's probably the first body part he's going for. Especially a crush/boyfriend of yours. He can handle no ear or hand or even a tongue but his dick!? No.

♡ Sits in bed painting your nails while you rant about boys. He nods at everything when it comes to guys having their mind on one thing because well...Yeah. Especially in his case

♡ HE is the one smirking if he finds any massager and even if you want a back rub that thing is going lower. Just cause he doesn't have a peen rn doesn't mean his mind isn't in the gutter still

♡ He thinks your a girlfriend of his right away so casually without even asking you so; of course any guy coming near you is dead. Of course he's resurrecting you if you die because...Well he's starting to realize you're the only girl that doesn't scream when you see him so he's gonna hang up his player towel.

♡ Even fully restored he still has scars on his face and feels indebted to you that you don't care about his murderous ways or his face now. He takes care of you if you're dead and the roles reverse...Hell, he finds it hot you need him now.

Billy Loomis: Died 1996

♡ You were a bit odd yourself and found yourself studying the murders. Feeling conflicted about Billy because yeah he was an awful incel but researching his background you felt a bit bad he felt so alone and abandoned even with people around him. You clean off vandalism on his grave and talk to him for hours.

♡ A storm occurs after you have an awful day and cry to his grave 'I wish I was with you'...You meant dead. But well...

♡ That night lightning hits the grave and you wake up in bed to the god awful smell and his dead dirty face looking down at you. You go to scream and he covers your mouth with a cold clammy hand. Going to talk to you and a centipede falls out his mouth making you scream even louder.

♡ You almost knock his head off before he points to a picture on your desk you took of his grave surrounded by newspaper articles of his death.

♡ He thinks he finally has a person that's not a 'whore, bitch, or poser' in his eyes. A bit in love with you and is bitter you don't exactly want an ex serial killer from the 90's like that...

♡ He almost wants to kill you thinking of the betrayal till he sees his reflection and is completely defeated. Sunken dead eyes, matted dirty hair missing in places, longer haggered dirty nails, skin looking ready to fall off.

♡ He sits in your bathroom and you try to comfort him till you smell what smells like...Sewage and death and embalming fluid and your trying not to throw up.

♡ He takes a shower without being told to. Disgusted by his own rot and grime. His gun shot wound in the middle of his forehead a reminder of his failure almost 3 decades ago...Might have scrambled his brain a bit.

♡ He's a manipulator and user but he's not as...Tactless and spoiled as Stu. He feels grateful you offered him to stay despite the smell and the misunderstanding even if he's not happy sleeping on the floor or closet.

♡ He feels even more defeated when you tell him his Mom died in 1998 at Windsor College trying to avenge his death. He's beside himself over it and honestly just wants to crawl back in his icky coffin and die again.

♡ He wanders your home despite being told not to. Goes through all of your things. The lack of speaking doesn't bother him. Especially when it means he can hear you spill your guts more. He wants to observe everything.

♡ Like Randy he's pleased by the movies on streaming but not as obsessed as he was. Whether that bullet was like a lobotomy or just laying in the ground so long to 'think' in the afterlife; he's not the same guy he was in 96...Not completely. Is annoyed at his portrayal in Stab. His hair never looked like that! (Yes it did)

♡ He does kill someone when they bully or mistreat you. He feels possessive of you already and he just doesn't like assholes. He's the one that decides to steal a body part while you're staring in horror.

♡ He gets shocked and you see him a little less dead and a working body part now. So it becomes a thing for you both but you tell him 'Only those that deserve it' and he shrugs. He ain't following that but okay.

♡ Is pinning over you but hides it well. Enjoying just listening to you or watching you. HATES with a passion when you talk about guys but hides it with grunts and subtle glares.

♡ Is your ride or die when he hears police are investigating you for murder after he was the one killing them. I mean...What will they do? Re-kill him? He will do anything he can especially the more 'alive' he becomes to protect you.

♡ Once he's...Fully equipped he actually refuses to sleep with you. Still thinking 'virgins live, sluts die' like he use to. You have to tell him 'You know Sidney is still alive, right? That rule is dumb and not true.' he may get over it and sleep with you or it might still take time.

♡ He wants to go after Sid but also what's the point now? He's not exactly in tip top shape...Don't even tell him about Sam being rumored to possibly being his daughter by mega Stab fans. His undead brain will stop working.

♡ If you die he will resurrect you not out of convenience and want like Stu or devotion like Randy but more possessive ownership. You're his. Whether that's love or to control you (Both). Not even death will seperate you from him.

♡ Once he's fully recovered he has a migraine till that bullet eventually is pushed out by that one last shock and his body starts bleeding again.

♡ More than happy to be together away from everyone just you and him.

Mickey Alteri: Died 1998

♡ Everyone knows Mickey as the freak that was so obsessed with Stab and the original killers he imitated them. But what they don't realize is he killed even before Nancy found him. He was just wired different and it made him feel alive...How ironic now.

♡ You accidentally stumbled upon his grave after trying to find a different one. And...Why is it empty? Well, you had nothing to do with his resurrection just wrong place wrong time as a corpse is lumbering towards you from behind a tombstone with bullet wounds all over him.

♡ He wanted to snap your neck just to fell something again till his own leg fell off and he face planted on the ground.

♡ You of course didn't know he was trying to kill you. You still tried to get away before you saw him just sitting there and...Sighing? It wasn't a mindless zombie after you? Even worse; he grabbed your keys when you ran.

♡ Ask for them back and like a damn child he shakes his head with grunts. You swear to God you heard 'nuh uh' in his grunt. (Keep his leg away give me the keys or I'm yeeting your leg)

♡ Takes a shower at your house and like Randy all those holes are leaking...Icky stuff. He had more muscle before he died so his body mass shockingly is thinner but not as much as it should be? You're talking to a corpse it doesn't have to make sense. All you know is he just walked around naked and you saw disgusting things on the human body you never wanna know after death. You gotta make him wear clothes!

♡ You're in this awkward situation where...The dead guy has feelings and thoughts and is urging he wants to go home with you. Whether you say yes or no he knows your car and will find you.

♡ Sew his leg back on or give him a funny replacement like a peg leg and tell him deal with it. What are you? A surgeon?

♡ Little did you know the second you came for your keys and talked to him he claimed you as his just for being different than most victims. More eager than Stu, falling even faster than Randy, more obsessive than Billy and POSSIBLY crazier than the og Ghostface's...You're having a corpse that is already planning to make you his (Might even kill you so you have to be with him when he resurrects you like he was.)

♡ Other than killing and movies you're the first thing to make him feel something and he is not letting that go.

♡ Wears your clothes, watches your tv, listens to you talk, plans to kill anyone that fucks with you, watches you when you sleep, dresses you up.

♡ The first kill is a guy interested in you. You are his now! He doesn't hesitate to take a few body parts to have you sew on him. Finds the whole process endearing. He's nuts guys idk. You just gotta drill it in his head not to kill a family member, close friend or pet or you won't forgive him because he cannot have that. He wants your affection and attention so he'll be good when it comes to that.

♡ With each shock he gets more lively and bolder. Dancing with you and ignoring the worm that you don't know where it fell out of. Trying to cuddle you even if you gotta start smearing vicks under your nose. Won't hesitate to kiss all over you once he's not as rotten and tries to think of your pleasure before his.

♡ He never hides his obsession and will let you know with a hand on your throat not to talk about guys around him before lovingly caressing your cheek afterwards as an apology.

♡ If you die, not by him, he is furious and will kill anyone in his path before resurrecting you. He'll take care of you in the most yanadere way. You're his forever now.

#scream 2 #scream #scream imagines #scream imagine #stu macher #billy loomis #randy meeks #mickey alteri

[arabaka]

hello everynyan !!!!!!!!!!!!!! how are you !!!!!!!!!!! (jokes aside) i missed you all! i wanted to give an update on this blog and my wellbeing. but i also wanted to be transparent! i’ll include a TL;DR so if you want more info, please look under the cut!

LOVE  YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

original pinned post

TL;DR:

ill be going by my first name now! names jackie, pleasure to meet everybody!

i have bpd and that resulted in me having a terrible breakdown that ended up hurting my friends. i have since made amends and strengthened the bonds with SO many people. 

there is someone i engaged with frequently on my blog i have since blocked. i ask that you be mindful of sending me mp100 fanfic/fanart. i won’t disclose this person’s identity.

i’m BACK! so expect to see me <3

as some of you may know, i suffer from BPD and am believed to be on the spectrum. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. some quick notes on this disorder and what it entails:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

now people with bpd experience something called splitting and this is:

BPD splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It’s when a person sees everything as black or white, good or bad, or best or worst. Splitting is a defense mechanism people living with BPD use to deal with emotions (such as the fear of abandonment) that they cannot handle. 

this past week, i had the worst episode ive had in a long time and some of you may have seen it going by the last few posts on my blog. i was incredibly volatile, distrusting, and upset but worst of all, i let that affect my relationships. i vented to some people, very similar to the sentiment i was posting on here, but i also said some pretty hurtful things that made these people feel like i discredited their love by saying i didn’t feel that way from anyone. but the thing with bpd, and a lot of other mental illnesses/disorders… it warps our perception and our view on reality. 

all these people wanted to do, like many of you, is help and i pushed it all away preemptively due to past trauma was rejection and abandonment. but this hurt one of the most important people in my life and on top of that, i subtweeted that person on a venting insta for the purpose of hurting them. it’s a big regret of mine and i’ve vowed to NEVER let that happen again to ANYONE. 

mental illness/disorders can explain your reactions and actions but should not excuse it.

i have since made amends with my best friend and everything is back to normal, if not better because i have a new appreciation for her and our unbreakable bond.

but i can’t say the same for someone else, someone that i engaged with pretty often and someone that was special to me.

but i learned that this person… was never a good friend. 

they showed their true colors and showed that they were not as supportive as i thought. now, that’s not to absolve myself of any blame! because i did hurt them too! but instead of being open to communication and growth, they said i had hurt them several times without ever bringing this up to me. they expected me to listen to their venting but suddenly couldn’t when it came to me. that they didn't have the capacity to do so. yet, were upset that i didn't confide in them?

this person is out of my life now. i’ve blocked them on everything. i won’t disclose who this person is but i will be triggered by their art/writing for a long time. again, even though this person has disappointed me greatly and hurt me in turn (with other things i will not go into), i do not wish any hate on them. with that being said, please let me know who the creator is before you share any mob psycho fanart/fanfic with me and i’ll let you know if it’s okay or not.

fortunately though, this taught me a lesson. a lesson in appreciating my friends (AND ALL OF YOU!!!), trusting their word, AND watching what i do and say so i don’t hurt people.

moving on to my content, i am going to be BACK!!! back and posting!!! so expect my ass B) 

we’re back to normal, we’re healthy and we’re striving for growth!!!

# .˚₊ ੈ 📣 ˎˊ˗ ꒰ heads up! ꒱

[veersnz]

Hey everyone, This is a little random but something has been bothering me a little bit eversince the whole drama with Aller-geez started. I wouldn't have talked about it on my blog if I didn't have a personal reason to but since it turns out I do, I feel like I need to talk about it.

Now I'll preface this by urging you guys not to send any hate towards her, this post is just to kinda vent on my own experience and maybe as a warning for other people but I, in no way, intend for this to be a hate message or a clue for people to go on a witch hunt against her. I wholeheartedly believe in taking accountability and responsibility for your own actions, but attacking people doesn't lead anywhere.

So about two weeks ago, Aller-geez and I agreed on an art trade together, where I would draw one of her characters and she would draw one of mine (I did not post anything about it mainly because those characters of mine are strictly confined to another platform for now and I don't wish for any fetish art to be done with them as of today). Everything went well and the next day she sent me her finished share of the trade (which is insanely fast I thought) and I was so happy and grateful with the result. Some days later I sent her my share (which took more time since I work traditionally and suffer from some personal issues on the side that make drawing tricky sometimes) and that was it. But with the recent events unfolding, I'm now left with so many doubts. Between the insane speed at which she drew or the few inconsistencies I noticed, the prospect of having received art that was stolen and traced is disheartening. Even more since I really worked hard on my own drawing, spending days on it. I want to believe her words when she says it was a one time occurence but I recognized other artworks of hers that were traced. This is making it even harder for me to believe and rest easy. It's hard for me to trust people sometimes and this is definitely not helping. I'll end this by saying that even though Aller-geez and Leopard are defending themselves by saying that this didn't affect or hurt anyone, in the end it isn't completely true.

#not snz #again please don't send any hate her way #this is just to vent #cause yes I'm a little upset #cause I'll probably never know what the truth is

[thatmysticaltuxedocat-rp]

// I've missed this place so much where people are so friendly and are happy when friends are around. I really need good friends and kind people right now. Literally never felt more welcomed than here. 🥺

(Under cut is the reason why I came back so randomly and why I needed a place with friends. It's long and kinda upsetting. But I really need to vent.)

So I wasn't pulled back into the Cats fandom really. I was heavy into another fandom and had a tumblr to mess about there, much like here. A stranger started interacting with my characters in a way that I wasn't comfortable with. It had major bullying vibes, just having a go, invading my threads to have a go. So I set up some boundaries in a post, no names mentioned, absolutely nobody tagged and yet not only did this person PM me demanding I take my post down but accused me of bullying. Going even further to create another account to keep harassing me, constantly saying "my friend" (it was the same individual) and referencing a discord group where they were screenshotting and talking about my blog. Not sure how true that is as they seemed to be behaving as two different people to give the impression several people were going for me.

I want to make it so clear my original post explained if I feel harassed or like my characters are getting bullied, I will not interact. That's all. I explained I can do in character arguments and drama but chiming in and saying hurtful things that are unrelated I'll just stop responding to. In no way did it demand anyone take anything down or change how someone RPs just I have a personal boundary and if you find I'm not reaponding suddenly, that's why. Nobody is forced to RP with me anymore than I am with them. It was carefully written and checked to make sure no individual was referenced.

And when I didn't immediately reply to the PM the individual "went public" because I "refused to reply". I have a life, I have dogs that need attention and I was carefully crafting a reply that explained my point. I didn't want to argue. This led to them posting a post directly aimed at me about how much of a bully I am and I refused to apologise. What I said was in response to their " everyone apologises" was does that too mean they apologise? This is me refusing.

I know it's ridiculous in the gramd scheme of things, it's a barely known silly place for me to mess around with Alex in character as but as someone who really was heavily bullied throughout childhood and teens (all through school basically) this really messed with me. The way they attempted to manipulate me with claims of how "their friend" (them) was now crying and their Sunday was ruined and Alex says gaslight me, accuse me of twisting things against them (even though nobody was mentioned it was a generic post) and starting some kind of public attack because I didn't immediately roll over and do what they wanted.

I also understand the irony of them complaining I was bullying them into what they can post while they were attempting to bully me into dictating what I can post. I also understand this person could be suffering or on the spectrum. I really try to be accomedating and inclusive but I was unable to properly follow threads and felt whatever I put they would have a go and make my experience bad. And finally yeah I know it says more about them that they got so upset about a generic boundary post not directly aimed at them. The point of a generic public post was to protect them and give a little nudge without a direct attack, private or otherwise. I cannot stand confrontation of any kind.

I just got so shaken and upset by it all, it ruined the fandom for a moment for me and I actually felt unwell for the evening. It got to a point where I feel I was in the wrong for putting up a boundary.

(Also I did not take the post down, it's still up.)

#ooc #not cats #Tashas rambling #I was really upset by the whole thing

[anisette-blackwirth]

SAGAU: Scaramouche comforts you after a bad day

spoiler warning: references to scaramouche's backstory and real name, inazuma archon quest spoilers

content warning: language, discussion of American politics, poverty, economics, war, mass manipulation, and Scaramouche generally being an asshole towards people not the reader. Not exactly a cult AU but close enough.

notes: I've been working on an SAGAU world for a while, just for myself. I'll go back to the beginning of the story later! I will!! Heck, I'll even set up a proper blog later. I just really need to vent this one lmao

Did I intend for this to be my first ever writing post? No. But did Roe v Wade piss me off on Friday afternoon, enough to want to get pats on the head from a skrunkly little war criminal? Also yes.

disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The advice within is not intended as actual advice. The writer does not endorse any illegal activity.

[Fanfic under the cut!]

You had your head down and buried in your arms on your desk, just trying to breathe and calm down. The day had been truly awful.

You'd woken up to a mistimed bill coming through and putting your bank account into the negatives, complete with the dumb $30 overdraft fee. You'd forgotten to grab the breakfast muffin you left on the counter before you drove to work and subsisted on crackers you had stored in your desk for lunch. You checked the internet halfway through the day and found out about Roe v Wade being overturned, and then almost had an accident on the drive home because you'd merged without looking in your blind spot twice. You felt stupid, tired, and defeated, and you'd hopped into your personal office in Genshin just to get a break from everything. You hadn't even told anyone you were here yet, you just wanted to breathe and collect yourself so you could be the capable, intelligent person they all thought you were.

So when you heard Scaramouche's hat jingling as he hopped down onto your balcony, you threw any remaining sense of self-preservation out the window and didn't bother hiding your excitement to see him.

"Scara~mouche~!" You popped your head up and looked over at the man, grinning as his eyes narrowed and he tilted his head. Aww, had your greeting confused him? Well, you did usually try to avoid giving him any ammunition to use against you in the future, in case he tried to betray you....

Well, fuck that for today.

"What's wrong with you? You look like shit," he said. You just smiled and beckoned him closer.

"C'mere", you said as you waved your hand at him. His expression turned even more confused, but he walked up next to you and even bent down when you continued waving.

"What is i-"

You pinched one of his cheeks and pulled it gently, stretching his face. "My little skrunkly~"

He slapped your arm away and stepped back, but you just propped your head on your hand and laughed as you looked at him fondly.

"What. The hell. Is wrong with you? Are you drunk?"

"No," you said with a sigh. "Just tired. And I like looking at your face."

"You don't usually act an idiot about it," Scaramouche said. He rubbed his face and glared at you - even though you were pretty sure you hadn't pinched him that hard. If you'd actually hurt him, he probably would have electrocuted you immediately or something.

"It was just... a really bad day," you admit. "I didn't have much to eat." Scaramouche doesn't say anything and continues to stare at you, so you start explaining to fill the silence. Before you can really stop yourself, you've told him about your entire day... and he's listened to every word.

You put your head back in your arms out of mortification. Of all the people you could have vented to, you really had to choose the one who was probably already disgusted by humanity? Really??

"So all your salary goes to other people? And they just reversed a law protecting you? Why the hell are you putting up with that?" Scaramouche asked.

"Because I need my job. To live. I need to make money to survive in my dumb world. I might lose my entire paycheck to bills, but at least I have food and a roof over my head." You blinked back a few stray tears born of frustration at having to defend yourself to yet another person. "I don't have the money to even leave the state. It costs money to move…. The banks won't loan me money because I pay too much in bills. And I can't break the lease on my apartment without having to pay even more, so I can't even move somewhere cheaper nearby…" You tapped the desk with one finger, and then two, just burning off frustration. "That's what I tell myself anyway. You probably think I'm just dumb and weak."

Scaramouche didn't reply. Eventually you stopped tapping the desk and just focused on breathing. No thoughts, only breaths.

"I'm just going to say it." Scaramouche spoke up after some time.

"Go 'head," you muttered into your arms.

"I manipulate people like you all the time. It's disgustingly easy." 

You made a vague whine of protest into your arms. He wasn't wrong, but - A knuckle bonked you on the head before you could even finish your thought. 

"Shut up! I'm not done. Most people are obvious targets, you know that?! Humans are stupid."

Instead of knocking you on the head again, his hand… turns to rest its palm on your head?? His hand doesn't move another inch, but.. is he… patting you??

Scaramouche continued without acknowledging it. "They're even stupider when you take away their safety. As long as you're focused on surviving, you're not thinking about what's happening. You just put one foot in front of the other until you drop. …You sheep are the easiest to target because you're too focused on surviving to be smart."

"So I am dumb," you mutter.

"Because you're in danger all the time," Scaramouche said with a laugh. ....It was not a kind laugh. "You can't stop and think if you have to keep moving. Being afraid makes you exhausted. And the people pulling the strings keep you tired and afraid on purpose."

Scaramouche is actively shifting his hand back and forth over your head at this point. Maybe it's absentminded? You try not to move at all, so he doesn't realize. "If I need someone to manipulate, I find people like you: isolated, with nowhere to run and everything to lose. Then I either make them depend on me, or get them angry and set them loose. Offer them a way to seize control of their own destiny for just a second."

"Like Watatsumi?" you say. 

"Like Watatsumi," he agrees, and his hand moves again, all the way down your hair - okay, that was definitely a deliberate pat, what the hell- "I funneled sheep towards the priestess for over a year before we started selling the delusions. Now, use your brain: why do you think the rebellion was based in Watatsumi?"

"Uh..." You wrack your brain for the answer. The Inazuma Archon quests were a while ago, so it's hard to remember specific details, but if you think about the map... "Maybe because it was a safe place for a base? It's far away from the main city, so they could defend it better. And maybe Kokomi - er, the priestess - had her own soldiers already?"

"Right," Scaramouche says. You still don't want to move, but you imagine you hear a smile in his voice. "Watatsumi is far from Narukami, so it's easy to defend. They had their own supply lines. But distance helped the army, too. They could pretend like nothing was happening back home."

"Isolating people is how you make them vulnerable. If I had wanted the resistance to win, I'd have funded resistance fighters on Narukami directly. Or just splintered the Tri-Commission to pieces."

You turn your head to look up at him. "Yeah, that sounds like you. ...Kunikuzushi." You hesitate, but nervously add his real name onto the end of your sentence and hold your breath to see if there's a reaction. His eyes narrow, but he just hums and moves on.

"Wars keep civilizations down. The longer we kept Inazuma focused on internal war instead of the outside world, the better. Because then the people who weren't fighting for their lives had time to plan. You're in a war. The people in charge know that and are using it against you. You're stupid because they're making you stupid on purpose."

"So what do I do?" you ask. 

"You still need me to spell it out for you? You're vulnerable alone, so talk to people. Find others in your world with the same situation and talk. Talking is free, right? Stop being naive and hoping for a miracle: use resources you have instead of waiting for ones you don't." 

Scaramouche makes a wide gesture to the office around you. The office you had been gifted.

"You have people falling over themselves for you here, right? You're their precious god or whatever? So eat here. Sleep here. Make that alchemist teach you how to paint. Make the lawyer look at your laws."

"I'm n- Yanfei…?" you ask. Scaramouche rolls his eyes. 

"Yes, obviously her. She has centuries of Liyue's laws memorized and is starting on Inazuma's. She'll help your "lease" problem. If you can bring clothes-" he tugs on your obviously modern t-shirt "-into this world, you can take things out. Have someone figure that out, or something."

Hope bubbles up in you for the first time in what feels like weeks, and you honestly can't help it: you lean over and hug the Balladeer around his waist, pressing the top of your head into his side. 

"Thank you, Scaramouche. Thank you so.... so much."

His hand presses on your shoulder for a second before relenting, like he can't figure out whether to push you away or not. 

"It's- ugh. Whatever."

You stay where you are, heart pounding as you push your luck. You can tell he's uncomfortable, but you still get another minute of hugging out of him before he pushes you off and walks briskly towards the balcony. But he stops before leaving completely. 

"Your pronunciation sucks, by the way. It's Kunikuzushi," he says, placing exaggerated emphasis on a different syllable. 

And then he's gone.

Was that…. Was that his way of asking you to say it again?? 

#sagau #sagau scaramouche #reader x scaramouche #genshin sagau #cult au #might edit this later #but I'm tired of looking at it for now #so out it goes~

[syscourse-confessions]

Not so much syscourse specific but more so system spaces in general and an actual confession and abit of advice from an adult system whose been in system spaces since they were 15

Every time I hear someone say that someone in a system discord or someone on Tumblr invalidated their trauma or said it wasn't enough, my immediate thought is to blame them for sharing trauma with strangers. I have to fight myself to not just immediately blurt out about how naive that is and how you shouldn't be seeking validation from strangers period, especially about something as personal as trauma. About how no one can judge if it truly hurt you enough to shatter your sense of self other than you or someone who's been literally trained to do that aka a medical professional.

Yeah, I get trauma dumping with friends and all that and I agree that internet friends are real friends but I've personally seen some of the young systems, especially minors, here blurt out all their info other than their full name, phone number and address in vent channels and I feel like they need to be guided to actual help, not just random people who joined a discord. We cant diagnose you and we can't actually tell you if your trauma was bad enough and anyone who tries to be your " personal unofficial therapist" isnt probably a good person with your best interests at heart. Especially if you never met them irl. Some people here think that just being a system and an adult who's known about their system for a while might as well be a professional or psychologist and THEY AREN'T. They can hurt you with bad advice and teach you harmful habits that can carry on not just into your adult years, but the rest of your life. They haven't been trained and if they constantly try to tell you they know better than a doctor because "doctors only ever learn by reading the dsm and I've read it", run. They are going to start abusing you.

I totally get the desire to be validated. Everyone wants to feel like their emotions are valid, especially kids in abusive households with no medical assistance and no school friends. They have no one else. But this is how you get groomed. This is how you form wounds you'll be healing in adulthood.

Don't tell random people who did the easiest shit of lieing on a throwaway blog to get into a discord server to specifically get at young hurting children looking for the slightest bit of affection about the deepest and darkest parts of you. They don't need to know. It's not an expectation and these strangers don't need to know. Everyone on the Internet is wearing a mask and that is all you'll ever see of them. There's lots and lots of good people here who are just looking for friends like you but you can't tell the good ones from the creeps and the groomers and the abusers and the bigots. Most of the time, there is no sign and you need to be vigilant.

This gose for everyone, regardless of age. Don't tell strangers your trauma!! They don't need to know!! They can't give you validation you can't find from people who know what their doing and yourself!! If they are demanding it from you for some sick personal gain, they don't have your best interests at heart and you need to block them!! I wish people would of've told me this so some of my groomers and abusers didn't have triggering ammo to use on me!! Don't! Tell! Random! People! Your! Trauma!

Literally nothing good can come from anyone being able to use (and therefore abuse) the tenderest parts of you. Be vague if you need to specify but don't tell them in graphic detail. It won't help you and though your friends will pity you and give advice, someone is already locking that away to hurt you with it later. It's not worth the 30 minutes to an hour of validation to be violated for days later. Keep the important things close.

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any

#syscourse #syscourse confessions #abuse tw #grooming tw

[carolmunson]

let's talk about it.

hi everyone, i wanted to take a minute to talk about the last few days and also issue a public apology to evie, since i think its time i did. but in order to do that, i have to take you back to early/mid february when the main catalyst of things happened.

back then i received quite a few anonymous messages that a user was copying and ripping my work. whether it was all the same person or different people, i'll never know. but i didn't post those messages and eventually decided to investigate as it wasn't the first time i'd been reached out to about it and squashed stuff with this user about it beforehand. when i investigated, i saw some similarities and ran with it in anger instead of reaching out to this user. while i didn't post about it on tumblr or message anyone through tumblr about it i did vent to a tumblr friend via text, blue, about how mad i was.

and i was fucking mean in these texts, like really vile. i called them names, i dogged on their writing (which i hadn't even really read, just skimmed so it was unfounded and mean just to be mean), and was all around pissed. i was truly not nice. and i'll own that. i said a lot of stuff i didn't mean, and definitely don't think is true four months later. i was super heated when i wrote them because i assumed the messages i got were true and went looking for the supposed 'copied' work. i was going through a lot in my personal life at the time that was out of my control and i think just needed something trivial to be mad at and ran with this. but i also was texting a friend in confidence because i wouldn't want to bring that stuff to tumblr and ruin anyone's experience. it's like writing an angry letter just to burn it. i'm not someone who likes drama, so i vented to a friend in anger.

my friend did reach out to this user, evie, via DM with these accusations, which were made public. as i said before, i don't like drama and i don't like conflict, so i didn't say anything about it on my blog. i did tell my friend that it was okay and i wasn't mad at them, but they also knew i didn't appreciate that they did that and they were very remorseful to me about it after. i did not ask my friend to reach out to evie, they too were heated after i vented and as my friend at the time felt like they needed to defend me. i did not ask anyone to send anonymous hate to evie, i did not speak about them negatively on my blog or to others anonymous or publicly. i don't want anyone to have a bad time here, so i was angry in private.

evie and i spoke that night and they told me they were hurt and didn't copy my work and i told her i believed her. i did see some similarities but didn't have the energy to go in and compile them all and at the end of the day, so many of us write similar AUs that there's bound to be some crossover there. i was obviously in my feelings and hurt and so were they. we ended our conversation and blocked each other and i sort of stayed offline for a bit until things cooled down because again, i don't like drama or conflict and didn't want to be around it. my friend at the time did recieve some truly vile hate in response to this which i did find unfounded and deeply cruel. this is internet drama, not a means for death threats and being told to kill yourself. evie also did not condone this either and publicly stated that on their blog.

after we blocked each other, the only time i saw their stuff was when other people i followed reblogged it and that was that. i didn't check it, i didn't read it. i moved on from the situation. i had received a few anons about it here and there but ignored them because again, i'm not bringing that to my blog. people wanted to pick sides and like evie said before, i don't think there were 'sides' to be picked. i'm not keeping score and neither was evie. i didn't hear about anything for a couple months, i was just on here writing my stories and moving apartments. and going through some pretty huge life changes all around.

a few days ago i started receiving messages after blue deactivated and then evie did soon after. blue and i were not friends anymore and hadn't interacted for a while, but again, it was not something that i felt was necessary to address on my blog. i got a handful of messages saying i had bullied people off the platform, which was news to me because i hadn't interacted with either of these people for some time. i didn't even know either of them had deactivated until i was messaged about how i apparantly went out of my way to bully people offline at my big age. i stayed offline for a couple days because i was working on a project and then running a lot of errands but was communicating with friends who were seeing a bunch of stuff go down with a drama blog. i came across a lot of posts that were clearly about me and my friends talk about how we're mean girls who think we run tumblr. (i can assure you i don't think that). and that i'm a big blog bullying small blogs. and while i'm not a numbers girlie, i will let you all know -- i have less than 3,000 followers and even then, i'm sure at least a third of them are bots from the first bot-a-geddon in the fall. i've had this blog since october.

then there was this drama hate blog? (literally WHAT?!) that a message of mine had been leaked from a discord i was a part of where i addressed a few accusations of me being a bully and sending anon hate and to this day, i can confidently say, i have never sent an anonymous hate message in my life. i have sent texts to my friend that were mean about another user to get the anger off my chest, but i would never go out of my way to send a mean message to someone. it doesn't make anything better. myself and another friend of mine accused of being bullies and mean girls were infact the first to squash some major dogpiling we had seen on a user because we knew it wasn't right or fair. then there were these fake messages that were made, and i can confirm are fake and so did evie. that's where things really started to get to me because like, why are we doing this? all of this drama was back in february.

evie publically apologized to me and we spoke about the situation. they were also sent the texts i sent to blue, which i asked her not to share because they are my personal text messages from my IRL phone and also don't feel they truly represent my character or blue's or how i feel about evie months later or in general. but to reiterate, they're fucking mean, and i'm embarrassed about them and the things that i said because they weren't okay. but again, it was me venting privately to a friend and not posting it for everyone to see because i would never want to start shit online with someone i don't know. or actively hurt anyone for any reason, it's just not the kind of person i aim to be.

so i would like to take this time to apologize to evie for literally all of this. for the texts, for the dms you got from my friend at the time that i didn't publically address or publically condemn. for the drama in general. i apologize deeply for the things that i said to my friend back in february and i apologize now for things getting so out of hand that you felt you had to deactivate your blog where you had so much fun. i'm glad you're compiling all your old work and putting it back up because so many people love you and your blog and the AUs you write and talking to you about them, and that's what tumblr should be! and i apologize to both you and blue for not speaking up for either of you when you were both receiving a barrage of hate where which i was the catalyst of the argument. i don't think either of you are bad people, i think this was a situation that got way out of hand and was fueled by a lot of people anonymous or not, who like drama and arguments.

in conclusion, i think tumblr should be fun. i think writing fan fiction should be fun. we are all literally writing porn about the same fictional man/men and giggling and kicking our feet about it. that's all it needs to be. this is my first forray into 'fandom' and i didn't realize how, idk, cut throat it could be or how much people enjoy watching others not get along. but i'll be honest, i don't really like the person it's turned me into online, and i discussed this back in march when i took a break. this constant seeking for validation and notes, the need to feel like you always need to be producing content, it's draining -- and then there's stuff like this where you get messages from faceless people trying to convince you that others are trying to steal from you and take you down, that they hate you and your work, that just shit on you just to shit on you, and it's yucky. it's gross. i don't like it. i don't like the anxiety it gives me. it's taken a lot of fun out of writing for me altogether.

i am not sure how much longer i plan to be on here, but i will be in the process to moving my stuff to ao3 in the event i choose to leave. i like writing and i like tumblr, i really do. but if being a huge fucking bitch via text and making people feel bad is the kind of person it's making me become, then i don't know if i totally want to be a part of it. again, i'd like to apologize to evie and to anyone else who has been effected by this. and if anyone feels the need to send hate messages to my friends or to evie, or speak badly of my friends or evie or blue on my behalf or even in general -- do me a favor and fucking don't. i hope you all have a great rest of your day.

[blubushie]

Not how I expected today to go.

I'm responding to this post by @beastlyboogie or "da-pizz" (cheers to the mate that told me about it) because I'm right pissed and I want my side heard. If you're seeing this and wondering what the hell happened and you want to know what started all this, go here.

Normally I wouldn't even respond to this since Boog posted an update and apology but unfortunately most people haven't seen that and just blocked me immediately because Boog came out about this and called me out by name publicly. They also insinuated that they were "also toxic" which... No. You were the only toxic one, Boog.

Did you ever consider that I didn't want to drag you into this? That maybe I just wanted to vent my thoughts into the void? That there's a bloody reason I didn't tell anyone who said that shit in my vent post? Remember when I told you that you forgive more easily than I do? Despite that, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. I didn't (and still don't) want you to be shamed. We had a falling out. That happens.

But like hell am I going to take this shit lying down.

So let's get to it.

No you bloody didn't. We talked for maybe a month. In that time I hardly responded because I've been busy with my own life. I told you basically nothing about myself specifically because I made a point not to tell you anything about myself. We were not "close," not in the slightest. You don't know any more about me than what I've said publicly on this blog.

Scared? No. In need of professional help? Yeah, probably. The thing is that it's not your place or anyone's place to pressure me into doing it. I decide when I'm ready to get help if I decide I need it, not you. You are not a therapist.

Name one way in which I hurt you. I can name all the ways you hurt me. 1) Every time I told you I was uncomfortable with sexual talk but you continued. 2) Every time I told you that I wasn't a therapist, that I'm not good at comfort, but you kept trauma dumping despite me repeatedly telling you that I'm uncomfortable with it. 3) Every time you flirted with me after I told you that I'm not polyamorous and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

And then you have the bloody gall to shame me for being having boundaries and being uncomfortable with your trauma dumping? You have a therapist you can talk to! That's something I don't even have! You have the balls to tell me I caused a relapse? I have my own issues, mate. I can take some venting but trauma is called trauma for a bloody reason. I don't need any more on my plate because it's already overflowing.

The only time where I even came close to "hurting you" is when we were discussing fucked-up shit we've seen online. You implied I was downplaying what you've seen and I immediately apologised for coming off that way.

What a load of bollocks. "I don't want to affect his public image," but then you go and publicly call me out and SAY I CAUSED A RELAPSE? In what bloody world is that not going to affect my public image? And instead of being reasonable about this you decide to just block me everywhere so we can't even settle a private matter in private like adults. You tell people that if they follow me you're going to block them so it's an ultimatum between you or me, as if that doesn't ruin my public image. Then you go a step further by saying you'll discuss our affairs in private WITH OTHER PEOPLE where, for all I know, you can say I said or did bloody anything and spread whatever lie you want about me to have people believe. If you're going to hang shit on me, don't be a bloody coward about it and DO IT WHERE I CAN SEE IT AND RESPOND.

So no. I'm not playing this bloody game. I'm bringing receipts. Difference between us is that I'm not an arsehole, so I'm going to block out anything personal that you've told me in confidence that I reckon you wouldn't want to have shared.

This is (I think) the first time I told you I was uncomfortable with sexual talk.

This is the first time I told you I was uncomfortable with trauma-dumping.

Immediately afterward you say this and tell me you've relapsed on self-harm, as if it's either my fault or I'm supposed to feel guilty because I was uncomfortable hearing you talk about trauma, and you explain it away as "Well, can't always be only positive!" Yes you can! Yes you bloody can! We don't know each other well enough for this shit!

You then acknowledged that you were trauma-dumping, apologised, and said you don't want to make me uncomfortable despite continuing to do so only days later. You also say you have no one to talk to about these things despite having a qualified therapist to talk to specifically about these things.

Four days later you go on a massive tangent with trauma-dumping.

Which led us to this exchange.

After this you proceeded to block me everywhere. After saying I "kept pushing this."

Then you start telling your mates things about me.

How the hell am I stereotypical? HOW AM I RIGHT-WING? Because I like firearms? Because I have a fucking job that requires the use of firearms? You didn't think I was right-ring when you were talking to me about how you learned to shoot a rifle when you were young and how fun it is. You didn't think I was right-wing when you were obsessively singing my praises and saying you wished you were living my life.

How many times did we discuss you? We were always discussing you. We exchanged stories. That's what people do. We discussed life in Russia versus life in Australia, how things work out in the bush, we discussed Russian hospitals versus Australian hospitals.

HOW THE HELL IS MY FIC PROBLEMATIC? You're the one who tried to promote it (without my asking you to) and in the same post insinuated that people who don't read it are only reading gay ships because they fetishize them! I'm the one who asked you to remove that post! You're the one who called it "misogyny drama" because Jesse has struggles that a lot of girls have struggles with? Did you ever consider that maybe some of the things that happen in my stories are based on real events? Or is telling real stories just "misogyny drama" to you?

Is it this? You didn't seem to think it was "problematic" when you were saying you liked how Mundy acted and that you'd love if he did the same thing to you. And no, he didn't "almost fuck her," he kissed her. She reciprocated.

And yeah, he flirted with her when she was 16. He's from Australia, specifically New South Wales. The age of consent is 16 there. Jesse is a legally consenting adult by Australian law. And of course he's going to threaten her! She's on BLU team! What did you expect from enemies, a cheesy "Well, I'll see you next Tuesday?" He was looking out for her and reminding her of what her job entails. That's the point.

You never once told me my "behaviour" was concerning. Not once. And I'm not bloody proud of "getting in fights." You're the one who was boasting about somehow getting into the bully group at your school which I specifically told you is nothing to be proud of.

The only thing I'll "admit" to being proud of is learning how to use firearms at a young age, and I'm one hell of a shot. That means I can provide for myself and my family. If shit ever hits the fan, I can survive. That's something to be proud about. The ability to help and provide for your community and the people you love is something to be proud about.

When have I ever said my job was a fucking excuse? My job is a reason. I build obstacles around myself so that people like you can't fucking hurt me even after you betray my trust and try to ruin my image to a community I feel I have a place in. This is my one fucking place where I feel I can be open and my only mistake was letting you through my walls.

"Cold and careless" I TOLD YOU I'M LIKE THIS. I told you not to expect comfort from me because I'm not good at comforting people. Do you not understand how this works? Do you have any bloody idea how much I fucking fretted over your little attention-grabbing schticks?

Notice what sticks out? "I tell them my personal shit (trauma dumping you mean) and every time he says not to talk to him about it." How many times do you think I told you to stop trauma-dumping onto me because I can't handle it? Because it stresses me out and I have enough on my plate? And you didn't bloody listen.

Then you talk shit about me and AND MY SHEILA because I have trauma I'm working through. Also STOP THINKING I'M FUCKING SNIPER. I'm not a fictional fucking character, Boog! I'm a person!

Do you just not understand how autism works? About how certain things can be fucking painful to talk about? I don't do touch. I can't talk about certain things. Respect my fucking boundaries. It's no wonder you claim you lose every friend you get if you're like this with everyone.

Then when I vent my frustrations on my own blog after you blocked me you're creeping on my blog after blocking me to see if I'm posting about you? Funny how this happened a few days ago but you don't post that until I post my vent. And I never even named you! Not once! I was fully content to vent my frustrations and never tell anyone who made me feel like such shit because I didn't want to involve you. I didn't want anyone to come to you or treat you differently because of how I felt.

But nah, yeah. Me stating my boundaries, boundaries you refused to respect, makes me the arsehole in this situation. It doesn't matter that I have my own fucking trauma, that I have issues that I haven't told a goddamn soul about, that your own lack of empathy kept dredging up memories that I want to forget. No, I'm the arsehole because I decided to lay out my boundaries and decide that I'm not going to be a therapist for someone 1) I've known for a month, 2) will not respect my own boundaries or my own trauma, or 3) blames me for their own lack of self-control.

Did you really think that telling someone who already struggles with making connections, that self-ostracised himself from society because of how much it's hurt him in the past, "You will go on being alone in the bush" was a good idea? Did you really? Do you have any bloody idea how much that's fucked with my head these past few days? That I'm the one to blame for setting boundaries?

Or were you, as usual, focused on yourself and how you felt without a regard to my boundaries or how I felt during this situation?

My advice? Learn some bloody respect especially when it comes to other people's boundaries, do some introspection and maturing, then get back to me when you're ready to sort things out like an adult.

#blu a fuse

[toastywatchesstevenuniverse]

S1 E40

On the Run

This episode broke me.

I am...

I....

I am a broken creature & my heart has been thoroughly stomped into the ground.

This is....this is the best episode so far....but it's achieved the status of best by absolutely tearing me apart in every way & leaving my emotions as a pile of tear soaked dust.

Okay before we get to that: I have one thing to say....

GARNET HAS MASSIVE AND PLENTIFUL BALLS. Look this post ended up being a lot more personal & emotional than this blog usually has been so I'm giving you a balls joke to balance it out. I have a feeling that there will be more emotional venting if this episode is an indicator of what the rest of the show is like: we're gonna need all the dick & ball jokes we can muster up.

First off: easily the best musical number in the show so far. Yes even better than Pearl's solo number. And I do not say that lightly. That is a tough level to beat. And they did it. Steven & Amethyst take the gold medal for best song so far. 👌

ALSO OH MY GOD THESEE SHOTS THESE COLOURS THIS DJFJFNDIFJW ITS SO FUCKING GOOD????????

WHY DID SO MANY PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE TELL ME THIS SHOW HAS BAD ANIMATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME SHOW?????? SURE THERES BEEN SOME WONKY DRAWINGS BUT MOST OF IT HAS BEEN VISUAL GOD TIER SHIT LIKE THIS. This episode was actually quite a step up in the animation compared to the previous ones. It's like the animators stepped on the gas here. I love it.

(Hey there uh so Trigger warning for this post just in case bc I do mention the topics of self harm/self hate/passive suic*de & that kinda stuff. So if that's not your thing, I'm really sorry & I understand if you wanna just stop reading here. If this isn't a topic you like to see mentioned at all, I'll just summarize my opinion here real quick & you can click away, I'm happy you're here at all btw thanks for reading this far!! & I want you to know you're valid for feeling this way btw: Don't let anyone tell you different. Anyways tldr I love this episode & how it tackles Amethysts character & it's the best episode so far & it made me cry really really bad & I am more of an emotional mess now than I usually am.)

So getting a bit personal here: I have said many times throughout my life that 'I never asked to be born'. I still think it now.

(Side Note but oh my god the animation in this fight was fucking incredible. Holy shit. And these shots go so fucking hard they COOKED this shit to perfection.)

Ive been depressed & passively suicidal for most of my life. I honestly cannot really recall a time where I didn't feel this way. I'm just kinda used to it by now I guess.

(This shot. This frame right here. This was when I had to pause the episode to calm down from how bad I was crying.)

So to hear Amethyst say the exact same thing that I have said so many times before: That broke me. That just fucking broke me. And like it's not the first time I cried at this show so far: BUT this IS the first time the show genuinely struck an such an extremely difficult & personal chord with me, not just like being sometihng I relate to, but the chord it struck was deep & painful enough that I had to actually pause the episode because of how much I needed to process it. Like I could not pay attention with how bad it made me break. So yeah it's now score 1 for the amount of times this show has fucking utterly destroyed me. Not every show is able to get me to react like THAT. The only other show in recent memory that got that reaction out of me that I can remember at the time of typing this is well, The Owl House. To be fair I haven't watched too too many new shows but yeah. This got me crying badly enough that I had to take a moment to calm down. Wasn't expecting to have that nerve struck like that.

That just hit on a personal chord for me & just....fuck man. I know that feeling. And they nailed how it feels. Amethysts reaction was exactly how it feels for me, just outwardly anger & tears. It hurts. Obviously anger & crying is simplifying it a lot, it's a lot more than just baseline that but you get what I mean. You could tell that she was feeling that exact way. & holy shit the fact that she's been the "comedic relief" of the gems so far & yet she's had easily the most fucked up & sad backstory of the show so far. Yeah if catching me off guard & completely blindsiding me with this was the goal: Goal fucking achieved because that was like a whack to my fucking face with a frying pan.

So....like, is this gonna be a reoccuring thing? I just.....get the feeling that this is a sign that the show absolutely fucking me up emotionally may become a more frequent thing going forward. So like, if that is the case......fuck. I'm so fucked. I am going to be a fucking wreck by the end of this show. This is gonna fucking leave me a sobbing mess, isn't it? What the fuck have I gotten myself into-

I am afraid. Also I am going to need to buy more tissues.

And the scene where Pearl & Amethyst speak in the hole is some of the best writing in any CN show. Ever.

(Also to break up the depressing talk, OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT PEARL IS SO FUCKING TALL THAT SHE HAS TO BEND DOWN AND SIT STANDING UP ON HER TIPPY TOES. THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE I LOVE HER I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.)

This episode was absolutely perfect.

#toasty steven universe watchthrough #steven universe #su #watchalong #cartoon network #currently watching #crystal gems #su pearl #amethyst #pearl steven universe #garnet #rose quartz #rebecca sugar #cartoon #pearl #first time watch #first watch #no spoilers #mod toasty #on the run #amethyst su #amethyst steven universe #tw sui vent #tw sui implied

[lemony-snickers]

welcome back, anon. your ask is very long & mentioned an ao3 author by name who i'm not sure would want to be associated with my blog, so i've taken screenshots of the ask and blocked the author & title out. ask & answer below the cut. (text id in alts as usual.)

anon, i'm sorry, but it's too early for this. some bullet points:

your ask was not motivational, it was pretty mean (or, perhaps, "blunt and negative," to use your phrasing). and while you are entitled to your opinion of me, whatever that is, i also don't understand why you would want to follow someone you find that annoying.

if you are genuinely trying to help in future, an example of someone essentially telling me the same thing in a more motivational way is the ask i received from super-kame-love yesterday which identified the same problem and also provided a resource to try and combat it. you'll note from their ask they never called me names or used demeaning language. if you're trying to be helpful, this is a better blueprint.

to be clear: those screenshots i included in my reply yesterday are not of negative comments sent to me by someone else. they are of posts i made on a private side blog on tuesday after receiving your first comment & the comment someone else (i assume someone else, anyway) sent me accusing me of sending your ask to myself for attention, which, when combined with your ask about how nagging & attention-seeking i am, made me feel like total & utter garbage. like everyone in the world felt the same way about me & hated me for it.

i use that sideblog as a vent space and you have no idea how fucking dark it gets there. i don't need anyone to leave me negative comments because anything even remotely unkind you or anyone else thinks about me, i guarantee i have already thought of & told myself a thousand times over in much crueler language. i seem sad all the time? yeah, i am sad all the time, i suffer from crippling depression & anxiety which ruins my life & i am in treatment for.

you keep repeating how much more popular smut is. you do know that i write smut, right? that the whole reason i started this blog was to write & publish smut? maybe i don't write the kind of smut you like, but i do write it.

and while sure tiktok can be used to promote fanfic (i mean, i guess? idk.), most of the people i am comparing myself to do not, so you can stop telling me about tiktok. i don't use it and i have no interest in it.

if you think i'm just "sad to gain attention," then maybe you shouldn't follow me. it doesn't seem like you enjoy following me very much if you feel the need to send these long asks about all the things i am doing wrong. i'm sorry to have confused you with the screenshots, but i am pretty uninterested in cointinuing this dialogue if i am honest.

the fact is, what you see of me as lemony-snickers is only one tiny fragment of my life. a vague citrus-shaped snippet. when you call people names (and yeah, calling me a nagging girlfriend counts, i think), it has repercussions. i'm an actual person with actual feelings that were actually hurt by what you sent. it would have hurt regardless, but it had a huge & negative impact not only on that particular day, but spiraling through the rest of my week, because of things happening in my life that you didn't see.

and lastly, anon, if you aren't leaving comments or supporting creators that you enjoy by reblogging their work, you are part of the problem. and to tell someone to stop being sad about interactions when you specifically make the choice not to interact is pretty tone deaf, honestly.

#ask #support your content creators

[setsunatekiblast]

sorry this is like fully just insane babble and a look into truly how fucking weird i am in the head im really considering making a blog JUST for venting but im too lazy to do that rn

so like general rundown for context

i did some really downright shitty things as a teenager as a result of unresolved trauma in basically every corner of my life at the time (obviously this doesnt absolve me from what happened). when i was told about the extent of it i apologised and distanced myself & never talked to anyone involved ever again.

months later when i expressed that a former friend who had (in my opinion, rightfully) stepped in to stop the situation from worsening had caused me harm prior to all this and that it was still impacting me on my private account, it was leaked to her. i was threatened with a callout post and she was acting like i wasnt truly sorry for the things i'd done/trying to change even though i had done my level best to be accountable for my behaviour and do what was asked of me.

because of everything that'd already happened + this i was living in this constant state of severe anxiety. as in, i could hardly eat due to feeling nauseous every moment i was conscious, would randomly start shaking and crying & my physical health was deteriorating at many points. i was like this from about july all the way through to november-early december, i think?

like all of this happened five years ago but ive absolutely refused to let myself move on because i thought i would be dodging accountability for my behaviour but i've kind of just had a mental shift recently (maybe from my kansai trip i think it did something to me). looking back while talking to my friend i internalised everything about that series of incidents so hard that i considered myself a horrible and irredeemable person, so ive been keeping myself at arms length from others because i didnt want it to happen all over again and didnt trust myself to actually change. i thought that if i was pursuing relationships with others, i wasnt being accountable enough and dodging my past behaviour.

idk im just tired of living like this. im tired of all the self-sabotage and the fear and anxiety i have over the most minor of things. i'm tired of jumping up and running at the first signs of closer friendships forming. i had a panic attack over someone calling me a friend for gods sake, that's not normal. its not! the fact i even struggle to call people friends because of all this fear about relationships with others after all that isn't good and i need to change from that lol

even just thinking that i deserve better makes me feel like im swallowing needles and glass though, and it sucks so fucking much LMFAOOOOOOO. i dont even know what to do because i feel so shitty about even trying to pursue support from those closest to me. i feel like i'm asking so, so much of people when i cant give much of anything in return. not to mention that right now even the idea of being misunderstood makes me feel absolutely terrible and like i need to be on the defensive. in general i feel like i offer so little that trying to lean on people is selfish and that i'm just going to end up hurting them like i did that friend who simply just wanted to help me. i don't want to feel this way anymore but it's a cycle and i don't know how to stop feeling so horrid about everything and actually. well. allow myself to feel supported AND be normal in the head about it

like i need to move on not just for my sake but because. really. it's been such a long time and i don't even recognise the person i was in those messages. but i can hear just how much pain my past self was in and that just sucks, man. my friend didn't want me to suffer, but he was rightfully hurt and angered by the way i behaved. the best way to show my remorse has always been to do better by those who come into my life, but i never wholly succeeded in that because 90% of the time i would sabotage my own relationships with others and not get too close out of fear that i was going to ruin it all and just be as shitty as i was before. i thought closing myself off would be doing right by him, and to a degree it was. but it wasn't productive for me because i wasn't doing anything but closing myself off

anyway i handled something pretty good tonight that i know my past self wouldve probably flipped out about so that's probably a good sign i guess. its actually kind of surprising to see that even though my spoons are maybe a 1 at best rn i can still handle things with some grace and tact and Not be terrible. idk. maybe things are gonna be okay, especially since i have so many people in my corner nowadays who want nothing more than to see me overcome everything

#blabber #SORRY. i needed to get this shit off my chest before i sleep #i just wanna be okay again and allow myself to have relationships with others like a normal human being again #anyway i have been listening to a STUPID amount of rina sawayama songs these last three weeks #im about to go sleep for like a year or something god i cant wait to talk to my counsellor in like two weeks #he is going to have a field day with this after he heard about my home life during these years

[moonshinedyke]

Pinned Post:

-Asteria/Eris (+)

-Mixed Black/Indigenous

-Intersex genderfluid multigender transmascfem

-Alloaro bisexual lilaen lesbian.

-Stud, butch, (bull)dyke, faggot, tranny, freak, bulldagger

This is my blog for venting and just talking about bigotry. I didn't want to clog my main too much with these types of posts since a lot of them involve discoursey topics. This is not a blog that I plan to use to argue with other people under most circumstances. I'm using this blog to vent about my experiences, no matter how big or small they are. Check below the cut for some of my beliefs.

Just because I reblog from someone doesn't mean that I agree with everything they say and do. What it DOES mean is that I think they made a good point in that specific post they made.

-Many white queers have a problem with using their queerness to try and avoid accountability for their white privilege and racism. There is a HUGE racism problem in both online and real life queer spaces.

-Gender criticals are enormous pieces of shit with a very flawed view of sex and gender.

-The hyperpolicing of lesbianism on here is super lesbophobic. Stop obsessing over lesbians not conforming to your neat little cis fem white woman centric boxes. Let lesbians have some gender fuckery without frothing at the mouth.

-Bi lesbians/gays do not hurt mono lesbians/gays by existing. We are not responsible for homophobic cishets harassing you guys and saying that we are is violently biphobic. Stop being a narrowminded cishet bootlicker, assholes.

-Straight passing privilege does not exist. Invisibility and erasure is not a privilege.

-Lesbian separatism as an ideology is transphobic, biphobic, lesbophobic, and racist. If you defend lesbian separatism or pretend that it was even remotely okay then you are a bad person, straight-up.

-Intersexism is rampant in trans spaces. We are not your transition goals, we are not your gotcha to use against TERFs, and we are not nonbinary icons by default. The diversity of the intersex experience is unfathomable because of how many intersex conditions there are and how intersex conditions are viewed across the globe.

-Slur discourse is pointless at best and a straight-up psyop at worst. Let a bisexual call themself a dyke, let a transmasc call themself a tranny, let a lesbian call themself a faggot. I promise that it's not hurting you when other queer people reclaim slurs. Quit your victim complex.

-Butch and femme have always belonged to the whole queer community and have NEVER been lesbian exclusive. Denying that is spitting on ballroom culture- in other words, you're racist and transphobic as hell. Furthermore, Black non-lesbians have more claim to butch and femme than ANY white lesbian does. Read more here. It's a Carrd, yes, but it's a Carrd with actual sources, which is more than you can say for literally every Carrd written by exclusionists that you all choose to use anyways.

-Queer is not a slur and it's up to you to avoid people who use the word if it makes you that uncomfortable.

-Flag discourse is ridiculous. If you hate a flag that badly, just don't use it.

-You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you blocked them.

-I'm very wary of anyone who is against non-traumagenic systems. I don't really understand endo systems or other non-traumagenic systems, but I've seen tons of fakeclaiming and racism coming from the anti-endo community, so I tend to avoid them. I'm not interested in getting into syscourse and I generally keep my system life private.

-Well-researched self diagnosis is good, especially if you can't afford to get a professional diagnosis. Ultimately, you are the one actually experiencing what's in your brain.

-Shipping discourse is ridiculous and literally all of you need to go outside.

-Anti-transmasculinity as a form of oppression exists and to say otherwise is antiblack and transmisogynistic, since it often goes in hand with transmisogynoir.

-Nonbinary people do not owe you androgyny, let alone any change in appearance once they come out as nonbinary.

-Nonmen and nonwoman are not just terms that are super hostile to multigender people, they're also racist due to their hostility towards Two-Spirit people as well as how they've been used to degender Black people.

#pinned post

[icemankazansky]

(tw vent if that's okay if not you can just delete this, thank you <3) honestly though the hate in this fandom is... so discouraging. like ive been writing fics for top gun & tgm but the fact so many people are so set on being hateful & not respecting others, and now there's a whole burn book blog like... idk i just don't feel like i should put myself out there. which is really sad because i really want to interact. and i know the fandom wasn't like this prior to tgm, and that makes me sad too because i came in after tgm came out, and I just feel so sad that even though im not part of the problem i'm still part of like, the wave of people that flooded the fandom. which would have happened even without me being here, but idk, i just feel... sad, like it feels like tgm (even though it's a really good movie that a lot of people genuinely and innocently love) really screwed ao3 up and sorta just hurt everyone and is still hurting everyone. idk.

it just sucks that fandom is supposed to be a place that brings people together and makes happiness and instead I just feel so drained and upset when I think about posting fics and exposing them to the fandom and apparently whole discord groups to like, pick apart. it's just really sad and sucky.

anyway if you made it this far thank you very much for listening, I really appreciate it and I hope you're having an okay day even after that topgunburnbook thing and all this drama

Oh, my dear. As Saint Kesha says, "Don't let the bastards get you down. Don't let the assholes wear you out. Don't let the mean girls take your crown, don't let the scumbags screw you 'round, don't let the bastards take you down."

First of all, don't worry about the burn book people at all, because most of their posts have zero notes. It's just a couple bitter people who think being mean is edgy, and no one is even following them. So, that is a non-issue. It doesn't affect you.

And don't worry about AO3. You didn't do that. It does suck, but it's not your fault, and it's not the end of the world.

The thing that happened when Top Gun: Maverick came out and brought new fans into the fandom is that the fandom got big. And that is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you have all these wonderful creators who are just discovering the movies and the characters, and they're bringing in great new stories and art and meta. I've met a lot of wonderful new people who are just like you: They just want to have a good time in this fandom and interact with other fans who share their passion. And honestly, most people are like that.

The problem is that big fandoms have big fandom problems. Think of it like this: Before TGM came out, the Top Gun fandom was a small town. Everyone active in fandom literally knew everyone else, either firsthand or from a, "Hey, you wrote _______; I love that story! Oh my gosh, and you're _____'s friend? That's awesome. She's the best." This creates a harmonious atmosphere, because everything is personal, it's small enough to be self-governing, and because everyone knows everyone, everyone is accountable for their actions.

After TGM came out, Top Gun fandom is no longer a small town. It's a big city. And it has the same problems that all big cities have. People generally don't know anyone except the people in their immediate circle, so that causes factions and in-grouping, and an "us versus them" mentality. This is why you get shipping wars and stuff like that. The fandom is too big to self-govern, and everyone is here to have fun, so it's not like we're going to elect a governing system, but between that and the fact that everybody doesn't know their neighbors personally, there's no accountability anymore. So for one, there's crime now. For example, there has been a lot of theft since more people joined the fandom. New fans are just straight up stealing content from other people and acting like it's their own. And what are we going to do, call the cops? No. It's just something we have to deal with because we live in a big city.

And, yes, the relative (and, on Tumblr, often literal) anonymity of being in a large fandom where no one knows you does encourage some people's terrible behavior. I talked about psychological and sociological studies of anonymity a little while ago, and the gist is: When anonymity is an option, the general chaos of the system does increase, but individuals just act like themselves, but ... moreso. Think of it like the Captain America serum or the mask from that Jim Carrey movie. Anonymity, even perceived anonymity like being just one person in a large system, just shows what you're really like inside. It dials you up to 11. And most people are kind and leave thoughtful questions or wonderful comments in ask boxes, or just go around with positive thought memes made up of happy emojis just to brighten others' days. That's most people. This small, ugly portion of the fandom that is using the fact that they cannot be held accountable as an excuse to hurt people is aberrant. They're the ones who don't belong here, and you can't let the fear of being their target keep you from enjoying all the good things a big city can afford you. Like, small towns are the bomb, but there are wonderful things that big cities can support that small towns can't. Like International Street where you can get different food from all around the world. Big art galleries. More resources for mentorship. More clubs and opportunities for you to find exactly your niche, and people who share it with you.

You didn't do anything wrong. Things grow and expand. You should be enjoying everything this city has to offer. If you feel comfortable, I would love you to come off anon and message me, and we can talk about getting you comfortable putting yourself out there in this fandom, and maybe I can connect you to some resources or some other really great people in the fandom. We want to hear from you. We want to talk to you. We want you to publish your work. We're happy you're here, truly.

#asks answered #top gun fandom #long post