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lymechallenged · 1 year

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I apologize for my trains derailing. I don't remember where I was at in telling my Lyme journey. To be honest, I don't think I even really started telling it. At least not when it all came about, so that is where I will begin. If I repeat things that I have already posted about, just remember that my brain is #lymechallenged.

The first time I came across the above meme, it hit home with me for a couple of reasons: I cannot tell you how many times doctors have referred me to psychiatrists. I am NOT crazy. There IS something going on inside my body that is not right, not the way it is supposed to be. And it is NOT a psychiatric "thing". Although it soon will be because THEY are driving me insane. I am not going to say the phrase "it is all in your head" because technically, scientifically, it is in my head (and the heads of many others with Lyme). Lyme spirochetes can bore into brains. And I am going to leave that there for now. The other thing about this meme is that for some reason, for most people with PTLD, we cannot stand it when people add an s. The word is L-Y-M-E. I have even heard physicians say "Lyme's Disease." What that tells me about the doctors that pronounce it that way is that they don't know jack about it. Most of them don't know jack about it even if they do pronounce it correctly. My train is derailing again…

Okay, I am going to try to do this without derailing. By June of 2012, I was divorced, working night shift as a CNA in a nursing home, and taking online prerequisite classes for nursing school. My son had graduated high school the year before and was in college and living in his own apartment. My daughter was a junior in high school and split her time between her dad and me. In other words, she stayed with whichever one she wanted to stay with on any given night. My ex-husband and I were still on speaking terms and were thinking about trying to work things out between us. I had a very busy life.

On June 27, 2012, I went to work at 10 p.m. I felt absolutely fine. At 4:30 a.m. on June 28, I sat down at the nurses station and told my charge nurse that I felt like I was getting the flu. I finished my shift at 6 a.m. By that time I was certain I was getting the flu. I was achy all over, had a slight fever, a headache, and felt a tiredness like I had never felt before. Normally when I would get off work, I would get home and make a cup of coffee, sit down at my computer and do some homework for a couple of hours and then go to bed. On this particular day I literally fell into bed. I didn't even have the energy to change out of my scrubs. I slept for several hours and when I woke up the only way I could make it to the bathroom was by hugging the wall. I stripped off my scrubs and made it back to my bed by the grace of God where I promptly fell back to sleep. A little after 10 that night my phone woke me up. It was my charge nurse wondering where I was. I told her I apparently had the worst case of flu that I had ever had and would not be coming in to work. I turned my phone off and fell back to sleep. I slept until my ex-husband came in and woke me up sometime around noon. He had been trying to call me and since I had my phone turned off he was getting worried about me. He helped me get to the bathroom, went to the store and got some Gatorade because I had not eat or drank anything. Our daughter was staying with him that week so he made sure I had everything I needed beside my bed and went home. Later that night I woke up and just didn't feel right. This had to be something other than the flu. I seriously thought I was dying. I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) most of my adult life. And I went into full blown panic mode. I called my ex-husband and told him I wanted to go to the ER at Mountain Home. It was an hour away. About 20 to 25 minutes away and on the way to Mountain Home, I felt even worse. How that was possible was beyond me because I had NEVER been so sick! There is a small hospital in Salem and I was positive I was not going to live if we did not stop at this small hospital. I knew I would not make it to Mountain Home. They got me in an exam room really quick and checked my vitals. My blood pressure was 222/177! How I did not have a stroke or heart attack baffled even the doctor on call. They drew blood and did a full cardiac workup. Everything came back normal. Except for my extremely high blood pressure. They kept me for observation for a few hours and after they got my blood pressure back down to a relatively normal level, they sent me home with instructions to follow up with my primary care physician the following day.

The next day my ex-husband took me to see my doctor. He put me on a blood pressure medicine and medicine for the flu. I went back home and crawled back in bed and continued to get worse. After another 3 days of low grade occasional fever, a headache that absolutely would not go away, pain in every muscle and joint in my body, and a weakness and fatigue that was indescribable, the ex helped me get in the shower. I was able to wash my hair and completely ran out of energy. My arms felt like they were made of lead and I could not lift them. Ex finished my shower, dried me off and dressed me. Back to my PCP we went. This time he put me on the antibiotic, Cipro. I went home and faithfully took my Cipro. I finished that round of antibiotics with NO change. So back to my PCP, where he did bloodwork and again everything was normal. He gave me another round of Cipro and sent me home. I was half way though with my second round of Cipro and I had been sick and pretty much bed ridden for 45 days. If it had not been for my ex and my daughter helping me, I am positive I would not have lived.

My anxiety got the best of me one night and Ex took me to the ER and this time we did make it to Mountain Home. Praise the Lord! The ER doctor ordered all kinds of X-rays, MRI's CT scan, and of course bloodwork. Everything, EVERYTHING, came back normal! At this point could someone explain to me what the hell "normal" is? Because if the way I felt was "normal"…we will just leave it at that. This particular ER doctor then told me she was going to get in touch with my PCP about my ER visit and that she wanted him to test me for tick-borne illnesses because she thought I might have Lyme disease. The following day I got a call from my PCP office and they wanted me to come in to have blood pulled to send to a lab that could test it for tick-borne diseases. I am almost certain they took a pint of blood that day. We made a follow up appointment for 1 week to go over the results of my labs. In the meantime I was to continue taking the Cipro. Obviously my PCP thought Cipro was the "cure-all" drug of his choice. Because it was doing NOTHING for me. Yet I continued to take it. Aren't we supposed to trust our doctors?

At my follow up appointment with my doctor, he tells me I tested positive for Lyme disease. Oh joy. I found out what was wrong with me! Now maybe I can start getting better. He immediately stopped the Cipro and started me on Doxycycline. I had by this time, taken a medical leave of absence from work and had to completely stop the college courses because I did not have the energy to even sit up much less think enough to do homework. I am back in bed and now taking Doxy. After a few days of this wonder drug, I VERY SLOWLY started feeling a little better. One day I actually stumbled from my bedroom to the living room on my own, where I ran out of all energy and laid on the couch until Ex got there when he got off work. He helped me back to bed. As I slowly started staying awake more often and was able to actually sit up in bed for more than a few minutes, I got my laptop and started researching Lyme Disease.

And then…it dawned on me! I had not picked any ticks off of me since I had divorced Ex and moved into town. I was too busy with work and college classes to even think about getting outdoors. I did not have a dog or cat so I couldn't have gotten any ticks that way either. And I will tell you that I NEVER saw a "bullseye" rash or any other type of rash before or during the three months I was in bed. The doctor was calling it "acute" Lyme Disease, meaning I had RECENTLY been bitten by a tick and that is why I got so sick suddenly. I didn't care what they called it. I was slowly starting to feel better. Slowly. As in sloth time.

But, that was something I was going to have to look into, not being bit by a tick for well over a year. So, why then, was I just now getting this ill?

Until next time...

Kelly 💚

#lymechallenged #lyme disease #tick-borne disease #chronic illness #chronic lyme #chronic back pain

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chelleztjs18 · 1 year

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Hello you mrs. used to be sushi waitress lefty eyebag 😅

Yeah, it's been raining since yesterday and I like it because then I can just lay in bed and be comfortable. But of course I gotta work and it sucks because it's so slow and I'm starting to get a headache again.

Oh I still read it. While reading it though, it made me think of that one Netflix show, called You. Have you watched it before? It already has 3 seasons and it's coming out with a 4th one. It makes me wonder if R was raised by a crazy person to make them that way.

Of course you won't spoil it right? Hahaha

Yeah I do know how to drive.. I just need more practice though and it scares me to drive with all the crazy drivers around. Oh yah, the expedition is a big one. That's why I just like the Escape because it's compact but not too compact.

I see. Well hopefully she is okay and just busy.

I can't tell you the meal, cause then you'd know the secret to my heart! That's cheating hahaha

So you like to confront the problems head on and communicate about it? We kind of have the same answer. I would also add if they are mean to my pets, and don't appreciate them like I do, then it's off lol

Do you like PDA?

-CuriousGeorge

Hello hello darling righty eyebag!

how was ur day? hows work?

oh noooo! you got headache again? how is it now? better?

oh u read it?? yaaay! were u able to read it until the end or was it too dark for u? can u please tell me what u think about it? :D any favorite scene? or how u feel while u were reading it or after u read it.

n yes, it was inspired by that netflix series You. Gosh, i love that series so much. The plot twist in every season, it's insane! I really wish i could write stories like that. After the second season n when i saw the third season trailer, I thought how could the writer make it better than the season 2 n probably wont be as good as the previous season. Turn out, I was wrong. it's crazy good. I cant wait for season 4.

I tried to make the R in The Monsters Within like a mix of Joe, Love and Joker. lol even though i think it's not possible for someone to be like three of them in real life, i think. haha.

hahah of course i wont spoil it. Just stay tune, i will post the next on the 15th :P

ah i see. so u ride a motorcycle every where u go? or u take public transportation? yeah I agree with u on ford escape. i like bigger car when it comes to road trip or costco shopping. lol.

Well, i hope the same. I hope my crush is doing okay. I meant i totally understand, she doesnt have to talk to me all the time n i understand she is busy. She always let me know why she was gone or sometimes give me a heads up that she will need to focus on stuff so she wont be talking much. but yeah, my bad habit or trait, i sometime overthink n that's not the fun part. I just hope it wasnt because i said something wrong or i was being annoying or something. oh well, I'll just wait n hope to hear from her soon. sorry for the rambling. i actually miss her. oh well, let's move on to the next part of ur ask, shall we?

haha so it's not pasta nor pizza? is it a dessert?

yes, i prefer to talk about the problem together and solve it. I never want to go to sleep angry. That's my principal in relationship. Unless if i already express my thought on the problem n i never get any respond or being ignored multiple times, then i'm done. n when i'm done, it wont be good at all. it doesnt mean that i would go crazy or psycho, i would be quite n wont talk anymore n thats when they have to be worry. i would be numb n in a second the love n care could be gone n i wont care about that person anymore. (that's when im really hurt, disapointed n done.) :D

yeah, i will add that to mine too. if they r being mean to animals n other people n especially to their parents.

yes, i love PDA but not too much that make others want to puke though. lol. what about u?

next question?

Cheerio! (not the cereal one) lol

#chellez answers #ask answered #anon asnwered #curious george anon

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burnhamandtilly · 3 years

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okay time to pass the fuck out, it’s almost 3am and i should be sleeping

#i'll reblog everything i've missed later on #i need to sleep because i still got a headache and it's driving me insane #lol #k bye #anny.txt

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evertyun · 3 years

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ENDLESS - ♯choi yeonjun

PAIRING : choi yeonjun x reader

GENRE : ANGST , slight fluff (?) like 0.5%

WARNING : this is a work of fiction anything mention about the character involve are PURELY MADE UP , emotion manipulation (?) , descriptive emotion , swearing , cheating

SYNOPSIS : "we're just friends" little did he know, y/n knows the truth.

OTHERS : include of other idols & oc, the story is not a long one shot its more of the main event skipping until the present time.

"you know i love you right?" yeonjun whispered while stroking your hair softly, cuddle up on the couch together.

you hummed in respond, deep down in your heart, you know he went to her place before he came over. breathing in the smell of her perfume that is painted all over him.

you know that even if you talk about it, yeonjun will keep emphasising they are 'just friends' constantly, you've been through this talk so often to the point that you have given up worrying about her existence. but instead coping with it yourself...

you love yeonjun so much that no matter what he does, even if it hurts you, you're willing to let it all go.

once again both of you are screaming at each other trying to see who is louder

"seriously beomgyu again?" yeonjun sounded pissed

"what about you constantly soojin, soojin, soojin, and that's all you know how to say, when we're together" you look back at him

"for fuck sake y/n, why can't you understand soojin is just a friend stop worrying about it" he shouted again, your heart clenches just holding in your tearz

"i didn't even say anything about your re— no never mind." you were about to retaliate the reply

"i just wanted more time with you" mumbled softly holding in your tears looking down not knowing if he heard your or not.

he stood there looking at you when his phone rang, he looked at the id caller and picked up, and you're just watching his every move

"oh hey whats up?" "i will be there asap" just two sentences only "im leaving" he lets you know and just take his hoodie and car key and left instantly not even checking up on you.

he really left...

"just fucking drop him" beomgyu said as he comfort you with your best friend yeeun

"you don't get it, i can't" the continuous sobbing from you as all of you walk along the pavement of han river park.

"you can do this y/n" yeeun whisper as she pat your back while you were still crying

what would you do without beomgyu and yeeun, constantly being there for you. the fact beomgyu and yeonjun are best friend as well...

"hey, y/n, i just want you to know if it ever gets too hard just know you are not alone" yeeun said while walking towards your apartment with beomgyu

"thank you..." was the last word for the night

some nights were different, but those some nights became a daily routine each day goes by you get more numb but each night you cry too...

he doesn't come by often anymore, maybe once a week but he do leave in less than an hour or two. you could tell from all the excuses he gives you it can go as far to made up lies such as "beomgyu asked me to fetch him home" "soobin forgot his keys" "taehyun left his gloves i need to bring"

"kai asked me to get him panadol he is having bad headache sorry i gotta go, love you babe" tonight was no different, he left so quickly.

but its amazing how he left his phone at your coach, you hold on to his phone debating to unlock it or not to. curiosity gets the best of you, you slide and key in the password he told you before.

'wrong password' he changed it

the phone vibrates the notifications pops up

soojin: i love you too

soojin: but i've reached dalkkom

soojin: im at the corner table see you <3

your heart clenches, so bad when you heard a knock. you walked towards and saw yeonjun as he let himself in and just retrieved his phone and gave you a peck on your forehead then he left.

the extra miles he goes for her, but never once for you, he cared for you once but not anymore. and yet the endless time you gave in

"babe i missed you so much i've been so busy with uni lately" yeonjun hugged you tightly, with his other friends watching the both of you. the look on beomgyu face was so unreadable as though he wanted to flip yeonjun over

"also i asked a friend to tag alone, after all y/n would be the only girl and i was afraid she would feel uneasy so i got one of my friend to tag along" yeonjun added as he let go of you

"yeeun is coming??" beomgyu said in sarcasm knowing too damn well soojin would show up instead

"it's probably soojin" you mumbled out

"what?? who now??" kai and taehyun said in unison

the way all his friends knew about the situation but none of them dare to confront yeonjun. they promise to never let girls come inbetween them and that was the reason

"sorry im late!" a female voice spoke, you turn to look at her

she is everything you are not. insecurity hits, her long silky black hair, her pretty orbs and well shaped lips.

then again,

if he is happy so are you...

soobin could tell you look upset, but what hurt the most was seeing both yeonjun and soojin having fun while you were there broken.

he never looked at you not even once that day, just glued onto her.

its clear enough that he has slipped away from you, its so clear but yet you refused to believe.

"i don't get why is he holding on to you if its clear he loves her?? just what the flying fuck??" yeeun said, its been nearly a year since this whole incident happen

its insane how you manage to hold on even though you clearly know that you are not the one and will never be the one.

the first time yeeun send you a picture of them together at the arcade holding hands. that picture was pure evidence he loved her. its so clear and so loud that you are just a second option.

months goes by you lose yourself, for constantly loving him even though he wouldn't return the affection to you. you were lovesick and tired, you took your friends word in to consideration.

it happens so often, he never showed up to your birthday, or even wished you. you're tired and numb so numb to go through it. he stop texting everyday with excuses that is so bad.

heartbreak . you want to be happy you realise your worth

[next paragraph might be a little too dramatic or to descriptive of insecurity and emotion]

today is the day... (present)

"lets break up" you let out, while both of you were cuddling up to each other

he look at you in the eye all he see was vulnerability, he let go of you without saying much. he know too damn well what he did, but never once did he regret until today in the very couch in your living room.

"wait why? babe, are you okay?" he asked looking at you with concern, you looked at the hickey on his neck that you know he tried to hide and back to his face return a smile to him

"i've hold up for so long, i can't do this anymore" you told him, deep down you just wanted to scream out 'just kidding' . because the look on his face look so genuine and broken as though he really did love you, but you don't want him to go through all the pain

choi yeonjun please get an oscar award. the way he reacts to you, not wanting to let you go. your heart aches so much. you got up from the couch and took your phone.

"please don't let me give in again, i took so much courage to finally let you go" you were holding back your tears, as you unlock your phone to the picture yeeun send you.

it wasn't just one picture but an album? some from beomgyu and some from his very own roommate soobin. the look on his face was clear that he couldn't use the "we're just friends" reason anymore.

"y/n... how long" was all he let out. the picture shown were as long as 5-6 months ago. all he wants to know, was how could you still love a cheater for that long

"it doesn't matter, it never did." you mumbled loud enough for him to hear

"i love you, y/n i feel so bad, please give me a chance, i will change i swear i can't bear to lose you." the guilt in his voice, but apologising was never on his mind

its driving you insane, by the way he could say i love you so easily.

"god yeonjun, i hate you so fucking much, all the i love you, you know too damn well i would give in, why are you doing this to me?" you let out along with you tears, he just look at you all empty

"y/n..."

the more you look at him the more you want to give in

"my love for you was endless and i thought it ended i guess it never did. maybe i am not feeling well tonight" you gave in, and you hated it so much.

guess you couldnt leave him after all

"y/n, just let me explain" he tried to reason out

"there's nothing to explain but... what does she have!?" you really went ahead to compare yourself to her "maybe her long silky hair, or her petite figure maybe her big round eyes, or even he beautiful lips, she has it all yeonjun you don't have to explain because if i were you, i do fall for her too.."

looking at the nearest scissor you grab it, yeonjun was in utter shocked he tries to grab the scissors before you but its was too late

"y/n please don't, we can jus-" before he was about to finish the sentence you cut your hair "look i don't have long silky hair anymore am i still pretty?" then you proceeded to scratch yourself and your face making sure it has some marks for you to regret tomorrow "oh no my face-"

"FOR FUCK SAKE Y/N STOP CAN WE JUST TALK!?" he finally shouted, you flinched and look back at him with built up emotions

"NO WE CANT I WILL GIVE IN, I WILL HATE MYSELF JUST... , I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YEONJUN" you cried and scream out loud hoping her heard you loud enough maybe even your neighbour heard you out loud.

"y/n, im sorry" he walk towards you as he grab the scissors from your hand and he hugged you tight, its been so long since you felt this sincere feeling from him. and it hurts more than it felt good.

you pushed him away, and remove yourself from his embrace

"im going to sleep now, you can see yourself out" you left straight to your room. why just why you can never stop...

you looked up at the ceiling finally crying. cursing at yourself, he probably left to find soojin or even his friends for snitching on him. his move was so unpredictable too unexpected.

opening the door to your room he sat next to your bed. "y/n, it was a mistake i should never have taken you for granted im sorry. i love you i can't bare to lose you." pretending to be asleep not replying to whatever he says

he walked closer to you and gave a light peck on your forehead. you couldn't hold it in and tears fall, the guilt yeonjun felt was unbearable.

his phone buzz as he look down on to his phone and back to you, "i have to go and clean up the mess i've made" said looking at your "sleeping" figure

he stood up and right when he was about to leave, you grab his wrist instinctly

"the tightness in my chest, its so suffocating, but i love the feeling, because i know you're happy out there and having fun and that's what i want you to feel... to be happy, but if you really love me just let me go that's the least you could do"

he look at his wrist the one you are holding

"no y/n.." he really didn't want to let go his voice holds so much guilt,

"if its meant to be we will find our way back to each other again, i promise because i know i could never hate you even if you hurt me the most" you let go of his wrist finally.

he stood there looking at you for another minute or two and he finally left your room.

"maybe 1 more chance for change doesn't hurt at all"

even after all you have been through you still consider to put him above you.

a/n: i don't think it's my best but i will work on it, seems very rush but also sorry for spelling and english error as mention its not my first language;-;

#txt #txt imagine #txt imagines #txt yeonjun #yeonjun imagines #yeonjun x reader #txt x reader #txt scenarios #txt scenario #txt fanfic #txt ff #fanfic #kpop angst

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lucy90712 · 3 years

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Dream- face reveal

wc- 1971

Warnings: use of dreams real name

~ I have been friends with this guy on the internet Dream for about 5 years now, we talk all the time but we have never met in person and I have never seen his face. He doesn't show his face on the internet and I've never asked so it just never happened, he knows what I look like all too well because I like sending him stupid selfies and we FaceTime in the middle of the night all the time.

We have been trying to meet in person for years but things keep getting in the way and changing our plans first family issues, then a hurricane and then a whole pandemic. Despite all of this we have finally set a date to meet which is not going to change not for anything or anyone. It's going to be a big day or should I say month, as insane as it sounds I'm going to move in with Dream and Sapnap one of our other friends for a little while to really make this trip worth it even if it only lasts that long.

The process has been difficult because for me to get to Florida I need to get a plane which requires me to get tested before I fly and for my own piece of mind I have been strictly quarantining for the past two weeks but its finally here. I fly out tomorrow morning. I went and got tested yesterday and got my negative result today which I need to get on the plane.

I've been packing all day today because to be there for a month I need a bunch of my set up and cameras so that my content doesn't just stop but then I also need clothes and I can't seem to get both things to fit quite right.

At one point my phone started ringing but there was a mountain of stuff everywhere so I had to dig around to find it and when I did I saw that it was a FaceTime call from Dream, I picked up and immediately put my phone down to get on with my 5th attempt at packing.

"Yo hows it going?" Dream asked

"I'd say pretty average right now I'm super excited for tomorrow but my bag is giving me a hell of a fight" I replied

"Prop your phone up and I'll try and help" he said

I did as I was told and got my small tripod to rest my phone in where you could see what I was looking at. Honestly it was a mess and I was kind of embarrassed but Dream didn't need to know that and besides my face wasn't in frame so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. I attempted putting everything in a slightly different way to last time which seemed to work until it came to fitting in my tripod and my wash bag of which there was no room for.

"Fuck sake I thought I had it then" I raged slightly

"Ok take out the webcam and forget about the tripod because I have ones that you can use and then try because I think that should give you enough room" he said

"Hell yeah thanks dream" I said after zipping up the suitcase

I flopped back on the floor tired from the minimal amounts of effort I had put in today which just shows how incredibly unfit I am. I recovered before getting up and moving my phone to my desk where I sat to talk to Dream.

We talked for a while until Sapnap came in and I talked to him for a little while, he's been living with Dream for a few months so he warned me about a few things like you don't wake Dream up which I took note of and he told me that Dream will just come and sit in your stream. Eventually they had to leave so I was left on my own to just kind of chill until it was an acceptable time to go to sleep.

Skip to the morning

I woke up at 5am when my alarm went off, I have a love hate relationship with my alarm because I only ever use it when I have something going on which is exciting but the sound makes me want to throw my phone out the window. Despite my annoyance I got up and went straight to the bathroom to shower and get dressed, I thought about wearing something nice but then I realised I had a 5 hour flight and I couldn't bare the thought of being sat down for that long not in comfy clothes. My comfy outfit consisted of leggings and one of my ex boyfriends hoodies because I never gave it back and I'm over it enough to just wear the hoodie whenever I want.

At just before 6 I got in my Uber to head to the airport seeing as my flight was at around 8 it would be wise to get there early. I wasn't sure how busy the airport would be seeing as you aren't meant to travel but I don't think I've ever seen an airport that wasn't busy.

I made it to the airport and as I assumed it wasn't heaving but there was still a fair amount of people around. I made my way through the crowds and checked in for my flight before heading through security and then making it to the main part of the airport. That part was less busy as there is more space for people to spread out into which made me much less anxious about people being too close. I had a little while to wait for my flight so I went and got some food because I haven't eaten today, and I don't want to end up with a headache.

When it was time for my flight to board I went to the gate and got straight into my seat watching as more people boarded but not as many as I expected, it was clear that all of the people on the flight had a good reason to be going to Florida and not just going on holiday and no one was sat together so all rules were being adhered to.

My flight landed 5 hours later and everyone filed off the plane going there own way leaving me kind of lost in a place that I wasn't used to and with the anxiety of going to meet Dream for the first time. I had a bit longer to wait because I had to get an Uber to the house even though dream offered to come and pick me up I told him not to because the less people at the airport the better and just incase people recognised me I didn't want him to accidentally face reveal.

I collected my suitcase and went straight out to the car park to get in my uber who was waiting just outside the doors in the designated area for taxis. As soon as I got in the car I text Dream letting him know I was on my way and sharing my location just in case things went south.

My uber stopped outside this one house and I got out walking up the drive taking in the house number to make sure I was at the right place which I was. Thats when the nerves really kicked in, I was about to meet one of my best friends in person for the first time. This is so insane to think that after all there years we get to do all the stupid things friends do.

I got to the door and rang the doorbell waiting the few excruciating seconds before I heard movement behind it indicating that there was someone there. It opened slowly and the first person I saw was sapnap who of course I was excited to see but we have talked properly on FaceTime before so I already know what he looks like.

Next another person popped up behind pushing sapnap out the way and giving me a hug straight away I knew it had to be dream but he ran over so quick that I didn't get to take in anything other than the fact he was hugging me. He pulled away and I got to look at his face, he looked pretty much exactly how I thought he would from the descriptions I have heard. As much as wavy length doesn't sound like a thing it somehow fit his hair and his eyes were also super green, he was definitely taller than I expected though this man towered over me like it was nothing and could definitely push me to the ground in a second but he looked kind just how you want a friend to be.

After a few minutes of freaking out that this was actually happening they let me inside and gave me a tour of the house showing me my room and the set up they had put together for me with a webcam and tripod just like dream said. They finished off the tour before I was made to sit and play whatever game they wanted with them.

We played an assortment of games for hours on end before we ordered food for dinner which we ate all chilling on the sofa. I almost forgot that my followers didn't know I was here but when I remembered I stole patches from dream and got him to take a picture of me with her to post on twitter and Instagram because people would get it without me having to explain. Not much of a grand reveal considering Sapnap did the same when he got here but I didn't really have any other ideas I mean its not like I can just do dream's face reveal for him with a picture on my twitter can I. The response to my tweet was insane within minutes people had got it trending and they were freaking out with all sorts of theories of if I'd officially moved in or if I was just visiting although both were kind of right.

Having spent a few hours here now I feel very at home they boys are really welcoming making sure I'm all good and not too tired after my flight which of course I am but sleep is for the weak so I'll wait. I have been told to call the two of them by their real names unless its on stream which feels kind of odd because I'm use to calling them what their know by despite knowing their real names the whole time. They have given me a nickname which I now go by to make it fair.

It was sad when the day came to an end when we all decided it was best to get some sleep even though I think their going to stay up and they said it for my own sake because I've been yawning non stop for the past 2 hours but either way I'm going to go to sleep and this day (one of the best days of my life) will become that of a memory.

Although I don't think this day could have gone any better its consisted of everything I've ever wanted to have in a friend but none of my friends back home if you can call them friends are into the same things as me so it never works out. Now I have two friends who share the same interests and have the same god awful sleep schedule so we can stay up messing around together if we want to which is what life as a 20 year old should be like. Fun.

#dream x reader #dream #mcyt #dsmp #dream team

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volturi-stuff · 3 years

Text

Blood Moon P2

Demetri Volturi x fem!Swan!reader

A/N: I- welp.. This is long overdue, I apologize. But enjoy lovelies!!

You woke up in a very uncomfortable hospital bed, and you had a killer headache.

You turned your head slightly to take in your surroundings. As your eyes scanned the room, you noticed no one was there, no surprise there. You sat up a bit and groaned in pain, everything hurt. There was no people, however there was something that caught your eye, laying at the end of your bed. A black and red cloak, neatly folded and layed there. You slightly tilted your head and picked up the cloak analyzing it. It was very soft, and it gave you a sense of home that made you feel comfort. It smelled like cologne, and cinnamon, the most intoxicating scent you've ever smelled. You smiled slightly and noticed something on it, Inside were the initials D.V. you traced over that with your finger and sighed.

You had remembered everything that had happened, but very faintly. You cuddled into it because you knew it was his. The vampire that saved you from getting slaughtered. You were grateful to him, but you felt a pain as your chest tightened as you thought about him. You knew exactly what was happening, Bella went through the same thing. This so called vampire was your mate...

You layed back down as you were lost in thought. So that means, you would finally have someone? That you weren't gonna be totally alone forever.. Your thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. Still frightened from getting attacked, you jumped on instinct. You looked to see who it was, as you ever so slightly perked your head up from the white pillow to find Carlisle standing at the end of your bed. He was staring at the cloak you had in your arms, staring like it was a virus he, oh so desperately wanted to kill. Then he opened his mouth to speak, "Where.. Where did you get that?" He asked, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible, but you could hear the concern in his voice.

You moved it closer as his hands went to take it. You gripped it as tightly to your chest as you possibly could, "Carlisle.. A n-newborn... Attacked me. Which you probably know, someone saved me.. Sucked the venom out of my leg, as weird as it sounds.. He was wearing this.. Carlisle do you know anything?" You said in a raspy hoarse voice from not speaking for so long, and you narrowed your eyes at Carlisle as he closed the door, and ran a hand through his short golden locks, as he began speaking, "May I..? I'll give it back, I promise.." Carlisle asked as he moved closer and held his hand out. Contemplating for a second, you looked at it, then back at him. You sighed and nodded. You trusted Carlisle. You handed it over to him and felt your chest tighten again, like the missing puzzle piece was ripped from your chest again.

Carlisle examined it, and checked the inside, at the initials. His eyes scanned it as he thought for a second. He then set it down next to you, and sighed heavily. "Y/N.. You know about the Volturi, from when Bella went to italy..?" Carlisle trailed off and sat on the end of your bed. You nodded and furrowed your eyebrows waiting for him to continue. He looked at the floor and sighed again, "Well, the one who saved you.. Was Demetri Volturi, their tracker... He was probably here, because of the army... Or to see if Bella was still human. Listen, please." Carlisle said in his stern tone, but he was softer. He then looked up in your eyes to make sure you understood, he could see the way your face lit up at the mention of his name. He knew you were mates. "They feed on humans..." he continued.

You stopped him with a sigh, "Carlisle, thank you.. So much, for letting me know... But I know for a fact, Demetri will not hurt me... The way he acted last night-" Carlisle stopped you, and gave you kind eyes, "It wasn't last night dear... It was five days ago..." Carlisle said in a soft like tone he'd just used. You blinked at him a few times and covered your mouth with a sigh. You couldn't register what he had just said, "Where's Dad and Bella?" You asked with tears in your eyes, Carlisle got up to check your vitals as he spoke, "Charlie is at work, and Bella is.. With Edward." He said refilling your fluid bag.

You layed back down with the cloak cuddled tightly to your chest, holding it, as hot tears fell on the pillow, "Thanks, Carlisle. For everything..." You whispered in a raspy voice, Carlisle nodded and smiled that comforting smile. "Of course. If you have anymore questions about the Volturi, don't hesitate to let me know." Carlisle said as he walked out the door.

As the door closed you broke down in tears. Why did this have to happen to you? Why now? You cried yourself back to sleep, as you tightly held the cloak closer to you, oh so wishing you were in his arms again.

Demetri's POV:

I somehow managed to get away from, Jane and Alec, to go to the hospital. What would I say? What would I do? I had no idea, the only thing that mattered was knowing she was safe, and that I got there in time to save her life.

I walked into the hospital with my hood up, and my sunglasses on. I obviously couldn't walk into a public establishment, looking like I was from a different decade, so as much as I hated it, I went on a shopping spree and bought casual clothes to wear. It was ripped Jean's and a black hoodie. Definitely wasn't my style.

I walked up to Carlisle, and whispered. "Carlisle, what room? We both know why I'm here..." I whisper, Carlisle sighed and looked at the papers in his hands, "Room, one-forty nine. Be careful, I mean it." Carlisle warned me in his stern father like voice. I simply rolled my eyes, not like he could see through my black tinted glasses. I walked to her room in 'human' speed. Being surrounded by all the blood was absolutely driving me insane. My throat burned and I clenched my jaw as I desperately needed to feed.

I got to her room, and I was suddenly very nervous. What on earth would I say to her? I turned the silver door nob and walked in quietly closing the door behind me. As I turned back around I saw her laying there on the white hospital bed, unconscious? I sighed in relief at the fact I could hear her steady heart beat. It seems I'd forgotten, humans need sleep.

I sat in the uncomfortable green chair next to her bed, and took in her features. She had a giant gash on her forehead, and a busted bottom lip. That made me very angry. All I wanted to do was take away her pain and wounds. I very gently held her hand in my gloved one. "Everything's okay, Love." I said with a sigh. I didn't wanna think about what would have happened if I hadn't come when I did.

As I looked at her, I felt a very strong pull. It was like she was my everything, I wanted to be her everything. I felt everything else that mattered to me, suddenly slip away as it was only her and I. Like I was living for her.

She looked so... Weak, so drained. It broke my unbeating heart that my mate was in this condition. I looked over at her again and saw she was cuddling my cloak, it was pressed to her cheek as she held it to her chest. That brought a comforting warm feeling to me, I had never experienced this before. It was like my heart would beat again. How did this tiny human mean so much to me? I couldn't get my head wrapped around it.

I gently moved her hair away from her wound, someone should have pulled it up, to keep the gash from getting an infection. I got up to close the curtains too. Excuse me, what was Carlisle trying to do? My amore was sleeping, she didn't need the stupid sun in her tired eyes. I pulled the blanket back up, and smiled. "Sleep well, sweetheart." I whisper, but right as I went to leave, she moved, and put her leg out of the covers and turned over.

I saw the bandage on her leg and sighed sadly. I once again fixed her covers so she wasn't cold, and then I put the cloak around her. I was in no hurry to take it back, and Carlisle told me it was keeping her content, so she needed it more then me. After a metal debate I decided to stay. I sat down and waited for her to wake up, as I read some random book on the end table. I silently hoped she would wake up before I had to go.

Taglist: @kpopgirlbtssvt @ssa-volturi @raindancer2004 @heartsarecompatible @ansellalexandra @megaprincesscakes @tomatana @volturidoll13 @stormbornsvalkyrie

#demetri volturi x reader #the volturi #demetri volturi mate #demetri volturi imagine #Demetri volturi one shot

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literaila · 4 years

Text

this little secret of mine

spencer reid x reader

request: Can I request a fic Reid x Reader where the reader has a chronic illness (Im having a flare up an I'm emotional, and having surgery Friday lol) and just kinda anything you feel around that, that the first conversation about it, insecurity whatever you feel, I love angst as well so feel free to load it with that x

a/n: i’m so sorry if there is any incorrect information. i tried to do my very best with research, but i will admit it might not be as accurate as it seems. if theres anything that needs to be changed just let me know.

warning: mentions of blood, needles, fainting, chronic pain, drugs, shit writing, a little angsty, and fighting

It was supposed to be a secret.

She hadn't mentioned anything during her interview.

And she still hadn't.

Because it was meant to be a secret, one that none of them had to find out about. It was just supposed to be a secret.

But when everything in your body was aching with every breath, with every blink you made, when you felt like you were on fire at just the thought of standing up, of just getting up, when that was happening, secrets were hard to keep.

That didn't mean Y/N said anything.

She felt extremely exhausted. Like fatigue was a stalker following her, refusing to leave her side at any given moment.

There was no prison you could lock fatigue in.

Sometimes, she could barely keep her eyes open, could barely think enough to remember to breathe. Sometimes, it was too much.

She never said anything.

But there were signs, little things she always did when it was worse when the pain was so unbelievably intense, there were little things she just couldn't keep hidden.

Like the headaches, the constant medication she was taking for them, the moments where she felt like her head was going to break open because of the stabbing pain hidden behind her eyes. There was the slow way she always got up, the wince on her face when she moved, the slow and deliberate movements she couldn't go without. There was the pain that seemed to last for hours after she simply knocked her knee against her desk.

And those were just the things she couldn't keep a secret. The signs that didn't go unnoticed.

Everyone else always seemed to notice.

There were constant questions of “are you okay?” that came her way and made her wonder if one of them knew if one of them had finally found out, the constant questions that always turned out to be false alarms.

Sometimes one of them looked at her weird, sometimes she noticed the extra confusion in their gazes when they watched her stand up, or noticed her taking pain medication for the third time that day.

She was very fortunate all of them seemed to understand that she didn't want to talk about it. She was very lucky that she had such great friends.

She was very lucky no one knew.

No one knew.

It was only getting harder.

As Y/N felt her joints getting stiffer, felt her headaches become longer, felt the fatigue weighing her down, as she felt her body start to collapse under itself, she knew that the secret would have to end.

But she didn't want it to. It wasn't fair that she couldn't have this one thing, that she had to deal with this every day.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair that she had to hide behind a brave face.

It wasn't fair that she had to cancel.

She had to cancel.

It had been two years. Two insane years of no one knowing, of no one saying anything about the pain that rattled her body, it had been two years with the team, two years getting to know them, two years and she had gotten so close to all of them.

It had been two years with Spencer.

They were having their first date.

He had asked her out on a date.

After two years. Two years of looking across the room for him, of wrapping her arms around his neck when he was sitting at his desk, two years of being surprised by every magic trick he’d pulled out to impress her, two years of getting him coffee and a sweet, two years of sitting next to him on the plane so she could stare at him longer, two years of staring at him hopelessly.

She’d been in love with him, and his caring way of looking at things, and the knowledge he kept stored up in his brain. She’d been in love with him so for long it felt like a lifetime. But never had she expected him to ask her out on a date, she figured if ever, she would break and ask him.

But she hadn't.

And he had.

It had been two years.

And he’d asked her out on a date.

“According to relationship experts, you should wait two months before asking someone out,” Spencer said.

They were sitting in a tiny cafe, both enjoying a cup of coffee. It was their day off, and like most days off, they were spending it together. They’d developed a habit of driving around and going to new places together.

Y/N was sipping on her coffee thinking about where to go next when Spencer suddenly spoke up. She looked up at him confused. “What?” she asked, her eyes wide, her cup of coffee stilled her in her hand as she waited for him to continue, as he usually did.

“No- I mean- It's socially acceptable to broach the subject of dating after two months, but actually in most cases, it happens sooner… it really depends on how much time you spend with that person and-” he stopped, pausing his hands that had been gesturing in front of him as he stared at Y/N.

“What?” she repeated. Spencer stayed silent, his eyes were darting around the room, and he seemed to be lost in thought. After a few moments, Y/N tried again. “Spencer? Why’d you bring this up?”

Spencer shook his head and looked back into her eyes, seeming to be pulled out of his gaze at her words.

“I think I waited too long,” he said.

“Too long for what?” Y/N asked, still not getting the point.

“To ask you out.” Y/N’s heart jumped at the words, her body exploding at the surprise she felt surge through her. “We spend almost every day together. And it's been two years.” Spencer continued a small smile on his face at the memory.

Y/N sat there, her coffee still in her hand, staring at him.

“I’m hoping it's not too late?” Spencer asked, still looking at her with now bright eyes.

Y/N just stared at him.

He frowned.

And she laughed.

She laughed at him and nodded her head, bringing her coffee up to her lips.

And he smiled.

“You’ll go out with me?” he asked, his eyes bright again, dimples popping up on his cheeks.

And she nodded again.

And now she was stuck in a daze. Her pain was chipping at her, keeping her from getting off the couch, she barely had the energy to breathe, barely had the energy to do anything except stare at her ceiling.

She wished it would go away.

She didn't want to tell him. She didn't want him to know, she didn't want his pity, didn't want to have the conversation, she didn't want any of it.

She was going to have to cancel.

She couldn't force herself to get up, which meant it would be impossible for her to get ready, impossible to sit in a restaurant and pretend to smile and pretend that just picking up her fork didn't make her want to scream out in agony.

She hated this. She hated all of it.

She felt like crying, like curling up and sobbing until she couldn't hear anything else except for the silence in her mind. She felt like spilling some tears for the miserable state she was in, but she didn't think she could move, she didn't think she had the energy to even close her eyes.

She had to call him.

She had to call and tell him, tell him that she couldn't go, that she was sick, that she thought it was the flu, that she had to cancel on their first date, that she couldn't go.

She wanted to scream.

It took multiple moments of deep breaths, of reminding herself she could do this, it took extra motivation to grab her phone on the coffee table next to her. She felt useless, felt like she was some fragile thing that wasn't to be bothered with.

She wanted to text him. Wanted to avoid the sound of his voice, the disappointment she could already hear, she wanted to just get the words out and not have to talk to him.

She didn't think she could move her fingers enough to text him.

Her phone rang, and she waited for him to answer.

The phone clicked and she heard a quiet “Helloo?”

If she didn't feel like she was going to pass out she would’ve laughed.

“Spencer?” she said, quiet and slow. She felt already out of breath at just the one word.

“Y/N? Is there something wrong?”

And at that moment she wanted to tell him, she wanted him to come over and hold her close and cuddle her until she could finally fall asleep. She wanted him to be with her, and she wanted to listen to his voice, and she just wanted to feel better.

She swallowed and then began to explain. “I don't think I can come… tonight.” Her jaw felt tight at the words, and no matter how hard she was trying she couldn't relax her face.

“Oh.”

Just one word. Just enough to make her feel horrible.

She took a deep breath and urged herself to continue. “I.. don't feel... So good.”

Just speaking was exhausting her, just breathing was causing her chest to tighten up, she hoped she would fall asleep soon.

“Are you alright? What's going on?” he asked urgently, and Y/N could hear him stop whatever he was doing in the background.

What was going on? What could she say to him?

“I…” she gasped in the air that was pushing on her chest “caught something.”

Spencer didn't say anything so she continued, “I’m sorry… Spencer.”

And that was all she could say. Exhaustion took over, and she didn't hear anything else before she closed her eyes.

At least asleep she wouldn't feel guilty.

She was still sleeping when Spencer walked into her apartment.

She hadn't heard him knocking on the door, too deep in her exhaustion to notice anything.

And Spencer was worried. He was always worried about her, worried she would get hurt, get herself hurt, was always worried that something would happen to her, to the girl he loved. But it was different this time, she hadn't even stayed on the phone long enough to tell him what had happened.

He couldn't just leave it at that.

He had to make sure that she was alright, that nothing bad had happened in the time between the silence over the phone and Spencer showing up at her apartment.

He had knocked, knocked, and called her name, but when she hadn't answered he felt himself become more worried, even sick Y/N could’ve called out to him. So he used the key she’d given him, telling him that someday he might need it, and he walked into her apartment.

What he hadn't expected was to see her sleeping on the couch, find, but pale with dark circles under her eyes.

She looked especially drained.

A tiny part of him was glad that she wasn't just trying to get out of their date, that she didn't just not want to go, but the other part of him was still immensely worried, and his brain immediately started racking up the things that she could be sick with.

He let her sleep some more. Listening to her labored breathing, watching her chest rise and fall as he thought of which viruses were going around.

She had sounded terrible on the phone.

He walked around her small apartment for a little while, thinking about her, worrying about her, just waiting for her to wake up.

Eventually, he got impatient. She seemed to be getting more restless with every minute that went by, and Spencer couldn't stand the frown on her face, so he gently shook her awake.

She opened her eyes and immediately closed in on herself.

Her body was fighting, attacking itself, the different nerves were running all around reminding her of all the pain she was feeling, she was in so much pain. She curled into herself, the pain enclosing on her chest and her back. She was frozen trying to hold herself together.

Spencer moved away, worried that he had hurt her.

She was gasping, out of breath now, and Spencer was standing there watching her. She hadn't even noticed him.

Sleep hadn't helped her, the fatigue still hadn't left her alone, and now her body was on fire as if it was fighting a war against itself. She didn't have anything she could do, there was no medication she had that was strong enough to fight against pain like this. Emotions were clouding her head, and she begged them to go away, she didn't have the energy to fight them off. She could barely move.

And Spencer was standing next to her shocked, worried, and very confused at the girl in front of him. This seemed way more intense than a virus.

“Y/N?” he asked softly, bending down on his knees so he was closer to her face.

And she noticed him. And the pain was collapsing her.

What would she say what would she say-

She just wanted to keep her secret.

She wanted the one secret she had.

She gasped out.

Why couldn't she just control this?

“Y/N? What's wrong? What hurts?” Spencer asked, quietly as not to disturb her, but she could hear the concern in his voice, could feel the questions he wanted to ask, could feel buckets of worry pouring out of him.

The pain was insistent.

She tried to breathe again, reminded herself of her grounding techniques, of the coping skills she had learned after years of pain. She took deep breaths and tried to remind herself that she was in control of how she reacted.

It was working.

Just a little bit.

She finally had the energy to move from her position, tilting her head so she could look at Spencer, so she could beg for another minute, just one more minute to get herself together.

She hoped he understood.

She kept breathing.

And finally, she could listen.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, his eyes were less worried now, but Y/N knew he wouldn't leave without an answer, a complete answer.

The secret was out.

Y/N shook her head. She just shook her head, and she felt so tired, and she could still feel her body stinging as if it was being pricked at, and her head was aching, and her eyes were drooping, and she was so tired.

All she wanted was to feel good.

Why couldn't she feel good?

“What's going on Y/N? This isn't a virus.” He said patiently as he could see the pain on her face. He didn't want to rush her, he didn't want her to be anymore strained than she already looked. But she seemed so sick. He had to do something.

She just shook her head, squeezing her eyes tight at the pain that came with it. Spencer looked at her and frowned, she clenched her fists together in an effort to try to keep the pain at bay.

“Okay...okay…” Spencer said, and he went to lift her so that she wouldn't have to move, he picked her up and sat down on the couch with her, he sat down with Y/N who looked so much like glass at that moment Spencer was afraid to hurt her.

Luckily enough, him moving her hadn't sent another rage-induced war over her body, and she felt herself relax into his shoulder, felt comforted by the warm feel of his body, by the hand rubbing her back, by the smell that was so familiar.

“Are you ready to talk yet?” Spencer asked.

Y/N kept her eyes shut, trying to avoid making her headache any worse, but she could still tell that Spencer was frowning again, and while all she wanted to do was relax, she knew that she owed him some sort of explanation.

“I-” she gasped at the pain that was stuck in her chest, she hadn't expected talking to make her heart start burning. Spencer quickly brought his hand to her cheek, moving her head so she would look at him, so he could make sure she was still okay. She opened her eyes to look at him and the words got caught in her throat. How much more pain could she endure before it was too much?

“I’m just-” this time it wasn't the pain that stopped her, it was the confession she was about to make. The secret she was going to tell him. “I can't-”

Spencer rubbed his thumb over her cheek, waiting for her to continue, but when he saw her eyes again he could tell that she couldn't go on, he could see the wall stopping her from saying what she had to say.

“Y/N. It's okay. It’ll be alright.” he reassured, hoping they were the right words to say.

“I can't,” she said again, desperate this time.

“I can tell you in pain…I can see it in your eyes. Nothing bad is going to happen. I only want to help. It's okay Y/N.”

And then she took a deep breath.

And she told him.

***

It was worse this time.

And better.

And worse.

This time, at least Spencer knew what was going on, at least he understood to the extent he could, at least he knew her breaking points.

But it was worse. It was so much worse.

She’d been working, working a lot, working a lot more than she ever had before, she’d been working and working hard. It was too much.

The pain was too much.

She’d been overdoing it. It was something she’d always tried to avoid, always tried to keep away from her. She’d been warned about it when the pain had started, warned that while some working was okay, even good for her, that too much working could cause more pain, even more, intense pain.

She’d been warned.

She hadn't listened though.

She seemed to be wrapped up in her job, in the hours that she spent saving other people's lives, she seemed to be wrapped up in it all.

And she was always with Spencer when she wasn't working. She was always enjoying her time with her boyfriend, she was never sleeping when she was with him.

She’d been over-doing it.

But she couldn't stop, she couldn't just give it up now, she couldn't just avoid the work because she didn't feel good. She was going to have to deal with the repercussions that came with the decisions she had made.

She didn't have a choice.

She never had a choice.

This was so much worse.

And it was technically still a secret.

Even though Spencer had found out two months ago when she’d had a bad flare up and had no other way to explain to him but the truth, the rest of the team hadn't. Y/N had made Spencer promise that he wouldn't say anything to anyone. She didn't want Hotch to find out, she didn't want him to make changes to her job, to keep her behind because of the illness holding her back. She didn't want that. And she didn't want the pity, and the babying that would happen if the others knew.

It was bad enough that her boyfriend knew.

He was especially protective of her now.

No one else knew.

And that was good, it kept her from worrying too much about it, helped her keep up the distraction of work without one of her teammates asking if she was okay, it helped her stay on topic rather than focusing on the pain. It was a good secret. It was one she wanted to keep as long as she possibly could.

But it was getting worse.

It was almost too much.

Needles were pricking at her joints, pulling at her joints, keeping her tied down wherever she was sitting, they were keeping her still at any given moment. Her back was burning and sore, and she could do anything about it because if she moved every bone in her body would sting with the burn of needles. Her headache had become a constant in her day, and the pain medication she always kept with her had been getting emptier with every day that passed.

She’d noticed the looks Spencer had been giving her, noticed the furrow in his brows every time she offered to do anything that didn't involve sitting. She ignored them, focused on the job she had committed to.

Every once and a while, Spencer tried to pull her away, tried to get her to settle down, and just talk to him, and every time he tried to do it, every time he looked like he was about to say something to her, she was busy.

She managed to be busy.

And now she had to go save a life.

James Thomas was murdering couples, he was murdering people and the team had to stop him. There was no time for pain.

Emily had to go in as bait, it was clear from the moment they got there and James was sitting silently at the bar. Emily needed to be a distraction, to lure him away from all those innocent people around him.

Y/N was covering her.

She watched with her gun in her pocket on the other side of the bar as Emily approached him, she noticed the slight change in her body language, the flirty smile she had put on, she wasn't worried about Emily. Her friend was smart enough to know what she was doing.

And Y/N was smart enough to ignore the pain in her hands and her back, she was smart enough to pretend it wasn't there.

She watched as James looked over at Emily curiously, as he looked her up and down, she watched as Emily moved closer to him, leaning in so close Y/N wondered if she was going to kiss him. She watched as James got more interested in the conversation.

She looked over to Hotch and saw him nod at her. It was fine, everything was fine, they just had to wait a little bit longer.

Just a little bit longer.

Y/N kept her eyes on Emily as James turned completely toward her, she kept her hand on her gun and her other on the drink she didn't care about. She watched as Emily suddenly lost her smile, as she shrunk back only a little, she looked over to Hotch and he gave her the okay.

It was time to get him out of there.

She saw him reach into his jacket for something.

She saw Emily tense her hand.

And there was a gunshot.

It surprised Y/N at first, but when she opened her eyes she saw Emily standing up straight staring at James, and she saw James down on the floor, covered in blood.

She rushed over to them, she quickly patted down James, grabbing the gun from his coat pocket and giving it to the police officer behind her. She patted down the rest of his body, making her he didn't have any more weapons, and she helped him stand up, taking most of his weight in her arms as he couldn't stand with the bullet wound in his chest.

She looked up at Emily to make sure she was okay. Emily nodded at her, and she walked out with James.

And then it was silent. And then she could feel the seconds passing by, could feel the messages her nerves were sending to her brain, could feel everything happening inside her body, she could feel everything.

There was so much pain, there was so much pain, there was so so so so much pain.

She was being stabbed, over and over, relentlessly, everywhere on her body, she was being stabbed over and over and over, and she couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening because it wasn't supposed to hurt this much, it was never supposed to hurt this much.

It had never hurt this much.

She could feel her body freeze and could feel herself take one more step, one more step out the door, just barely out of the building, before she collapsed, dropping James with her and swaying toward the ground.

She was supposed to have control, it was never supposed to hurt this much, it was never ever supposed to be like this-

And she could feel herself moan as she hit the ground, could feel her joints scream at the pain of being moved so much, she could feel the blood rushing to her head, and could feel her back still on fire like it had been for the past week.

She still didn't know why it hurt so much.

She’d never had a flare-up this bad.

She wasn't supposed to fall because of the pain.

It was supposed to be manageable.

She didn't realize she had screamed until she felt hands on her until someone was shaking her and trying to get her to stand up, she didn't understand.

She felt someone pick her up.

And then it was too much, it was finally too much, too much for her mind, for her body, too much everything.

It was too much.

And she fainted.

She woke up in an office.

It was void of people and smelled distinctly like men's cologne.

She tried to move her head but the pain was blinding.

She heard a voice next to her.

“You’re up,” Spencer said as he closed the door to the office, holding a bottle of water and a bottle of pain meds.

She looked at him thankfully.

And then she stretched her jaw so it wasn't as stiff, and asked him why she was there.

He explained how she had passed out at the scene. He told her how he’d made sure to take her back somewhere she could rest, instead of taking her to the hospital as the rest of the team was insisting. He told her that he hadn't told them anything, just that he needed to make sure she was okay.

He handed her the bottle of water with a frown on his face, while she sipped the water, he opened the bottle of meds and pulled out two pills and handed them to her.

She smiled at him with her mouth closed, as he watched her take them.

It was silent for a moment after that before either of them spoke.

“Spencer-”

“I don't want you doing that again,” he said firmly. His voice was like stone and his face was unwavering.

Y/N looked at him shocked. He’d never looked so harsh before, at least not with her, she was surprised by his reaction, but she was even more surprised that when she looked over to the clock it said she had slept for six hours.

Six hours.

That explained the bad taste in her mouth.

“Spencer I don't think that's fair-” she started to say before Spencer interrupted.

“No Y/N. I won't let you do that to yourself, I don't want you in pain every day.”

Something about his tone was making her angry.

“Spencer it was just a flare-up, they happen sometimes. I can't control them,” she said, and now her eyes were hard and staring at him.

He didn't understand. He could research it for hours, could learn every piece of information there was out there. But he would never know. He would never understand the pain, the strength it took to deal with pain like that every day. He wouldn't understand the sacrifices she had to make sometimes. He just didn't understand.

“Y/N, this wasn't random. You’ve been working yourself down to the bone. You haven't stopped working in weeks. And it's wearing you down, I can practically see you deteriorating.” His voice got louder with every word that he spoke.

“Spencer this is my job. I’m not going to stop just because of a little pain.” She said shaking her head, staring at her, her face not breaking.

Spencer sighed and moved away from the couch she had slept on. He just wanted her to understand, wanted her to see that if the positions were switched she would be insisting he took it easy too. It hurt him to see her in pain, to see her falling apart every time she moved. Why couldn't she understand that?

“Y/N, it's not a little pain,” he said pacing around the room, no longer looking at her. “I can tell how much it hurts you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to be out on the scene today.”

Y/N could feel the concern, the worry, radiating from his body. She could see that he was fighting with himself, trying to figure out something to say. But she wasn't going to budge on this.

“Spencer, this is my job. This is who I am.” She said every word clearly, but her body was shaking, and her head was aching.

“Even right now! You’re still in pain. You were asleep for six hours and you’re still in pain! Can't you see that this isn't okay?” he was whispering, yelling, but he was upset with her now. He was upset with her not caring about her own well-being, upset that she thought her job was worth more than her health.

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away before she spoke again. “Spencer, I can't just sit and live around and have nothing and be in pain all day. This job is good for me. I can't just be a brick that never moves because I don't want to feel bad. I refuse to live like that.” she was getting more and more worked up with every word, and she could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, reminding her that she could still cry. She moved her hand in front of her face, not wanting Spencer to look at her.

Spencer went over to her and sat down next to her. He just stared at her for a moment. Watched as she tried to blink the tears away, as she tried to will them away with just her thoughts. He could tell how much she was fighting, trying not to be vulnerable around him. He could see how much it hurt, how much energy it took just to do that.

“Y/N,” he said, moving her hand away from her face so that he could see her again. He gently intertwined their fingers, reminding her that he was still there. “You can cry. It's okay to cry,” he said softly, more caring than he had been since she’d woken up.

And the glass in her eyes broke. It broke open, shattering the windows in her eyes, letting the tears pour from the broken pieces. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried, couldn't remember the last time she’d had enough energy to cry.

She didn't want Spencer to see.

But he was sliding on the couch next to her, laying down and pulling her into his chest, he was rocking her back and forth slowly, remembering that she was still in pain, that too much movement would make her joints attack again. He was holding her, letting her cry.

She felt like a child, but Spencer holding her was helping, it was keeping the pain a distance away from her, too far away from her to hurt her as much as it had been.

She hadn't cried in so long.

Spencer rocked with her, as she mumbled words against his chest, as his hands ran through her hair.

The pain medication seemed to be helping.

“Y/N… I just want you to give yourself some room to breathe,” he whispered after a couple of minutes after the cracks in her eyes had started to mend themselves.

She looked up at him and frowned. She didn't want to take a break, she didn't want anyone to know that she needed a break. She didn't need a break. She didn't.

“I don't want to,” she mumbled childishly, as she looked away from him. She was pouting now, and she knew that she wasn't going to win this battle.

“It's okay to need a break Y/N. Everyone does. You have an unfair disadvantage. You deserve a break sometimes.”

She shook her head.

“It's not fair, “ she said quieter than before. The cracks were breaking again, and she was crying against his chest. He held her tighter. “It's just not fair,” she said again desperately.

“I know,” he said as he kissed her head, as he made her aware that he was there, that he understood. “I know.”

And they were curled up together. If anyone had looked in the window they would’ve seen a boy and a girl, both sad, both angry, but together and so desperately connected. They would have seen a boy and a girl, together, and in love.

Spencer was quiet again, and he listened to Y/N’s stuttered breathing, listened as she took deep breaths, and felt as her chest stopped going up and down frantically. She was finally starting to calm down, to breathe with Spencer, to calm down against his chest.

She sniffled and looked up at him, her neck hurting, not because of the pain this time.

“I’ll try to take it easy,” she said, memorizing the way his eyes lit up.

“You will?” he said excitedly, as she imagined a little kid would. She laughed at him, as he pecked her lips and held her tighter once again.

“Yes.” she murmured, breathing in his scent, finally relaxed in his arms.

It was strange that he could make her feel so peaceful in just a couple of minutes. Strange that although she had been crying only a short time ago, that she felt safe with him.

“I love you.” she finally said.

And he pulled away from her just a little bit, just so he could look at her face, into her eyes.

Neither of them had said it before. Both of them had thought it, thought it over and over in the two years they had known each other. Both of them had felt it, pounding in their chest, breaking them down. They’d both thought it, both felt it, but neither of them had said it.

Spencer was saving it for something special.

But she’d just said it.

She loved him.

She looked up at him, hoping that the look on his face would be good.

And it was.

He was smiling, his eyes were lit up in hope and wonder, and the smile lines on his face were breathtaking. He was smiling so wide.

She blushed and moved her head back down to his chest. He laughed at her, and Spencer wondered if he would ever be able to stop smiling after hearing that.

“Are you sure that isn't just the drugs?” he asked, hoping he could look back in her eyes.

And she giggled against him, and then looked up shaking her head.

He smiled even more, and she copied him.

“In that case,” he said, kissing her forehead “I love you.”

“You do?” she asked, still smiling at him, forgetting about the pain, about everything, when she looked in his eyes.

“I do,” he confirmed, moving his hand to her cheek, stroking her face with his thumb. “I really do.”

She smiled and forgot everything. She smiled at him, and she sat in the warmth of his words, in the happiness of his smile.

Maybe Spencer was her pain medication.

my masterlist here

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fallingforunrealisticromance · 3 years

Text

Look at me - Spencer Reid x fem! reader

A/N: I've written a lot of Hotch content recently and as much as I love it, I felt like I needed to get some Reid in there as well. This was a bit rushed so sorry if there are any mistakes in there. Enjoy:)

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of panic attacks/past trauma, toxic relationships

Word Count: 2462

***= time skip

Any details from a case are made up, not based on an actual episode.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mind is not something I ever thought I’d fear. I just assumed no matter how bad things got; I would be in control therefore it would never be anything I couldn’t handle. Even when I joined the BAU and was surrounded by harrowing cases all day, naively, I assumed I could keep on top of it. In case you hadn’t figured it out by now – I was wrong.

**********************************************************************

We all collapsed into our respective seats on the jet, none of us saying anything. This case had been particularly brutal, and it took a lot out of us. We had nothing to talk about besides the events of the past few days and no one wanted to think about it more than necessary. I took the first window seat I saw, grabbing a blanket and curling into myself. The sun was beginning to set and watching it above the clouds would bring me some sense of peace. As cliché as it sounds, being above the clouds and watching the light slowly sink beneath causing there to be an orangey glow – everything felt so quiet, so calm. As if I was untouchable, like nothing bad could reach me. As I starred out of the window, I couldn’t quite get comfortable. Normally after cases, I was able to fall asleep roughly half an hour into the journey home, but something was keeping me up. This must have shown on my face as I felt as soft jab to my side, breaking me from my thoughts.

“You good pretty girl?” Morgan asked, leaning on the edge of my seat.

“Hm? Yeah I’m all good. Just can’t sleep.” I said offering a small smile.

“I feel you. I’ve been trying since I sat down but I guess today just isn’t our day.” He replied sighing. “You need a drink or anything?”

“Nah I’m okay. Thanks though.”

“No problem gorgeous. Hope your able to drift off soon.” He said before heading to the back for a drink. I sighed, turning my body to face the window once again. But before I was able to get lost in my thoughts yet again, Spencer sat down in front of me. His brow was furrowed as his eyes scanned over me.

“You okay there?” I chuckled looking over at him.

“I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about.” He replied matter of factly. I raised my eyebrow at him as I shifted to face him a little better.

“May I ask why?” I said in a light-hearted tone.

“Because you can’t sleep.” He stated. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that so I stayed silent, allowing him to continue. “You always fall asleep. You sit by the window, you curl up, and your asleep within 20 minutes. The only time you don’t is if someone’s talking to you. But no ones spoken to you until just now and your still awake.” He explained. I starred at him, in slight shock. “S-so I think what I’m trying to figure out is what’s keeping you awake? And see if you’re okay?” He concluded, suddenly looking rather nervous as if he was worried he’d overstepped.

“Look I’m sorry just pretend I didn’t say anything.” He said going to stand up. “

No hey it’s fine. I’m just surprised you noticed that’s all.” I replied quickly.

“Of course I did, I care about you.” I’m not sure why but that simple sentence caused my heart to flutter. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always appreciated the fact that Spencer is attractive (even if he doesn’t believe it) but I’ve never thought of him in a romantic light. Since I’ve joined the BAU, we’ve always been able to lean on each other no matter what the situation. There was just something about us that clicked almost perfectly, there was nothing I couldn’t tell him. And even though we constantly got teased about being together, I’d never even considered it.

“Your right though, something is keeping me up.” I admitted, leaning back into my seat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Spencer offered, copying my actions.

“Yeah I’d love to. I just don’t know what it is. There’s something making me feel, I don’t know, uncomfortable I guess? But I haven’t got a clue what.” I rubbed my head as I spoke, feeling the beginning of headache starting to form.

“Oh.” He replied shortly. I could tell he was trying to figure out what it could be, but it was no use. “Is there anything I can do?” He asked. I smiled at him but shook my head.

“I’m afraid not pretty boy, I’m sure it’s nothing. Was just a hard case you know” He nodded.

“Well, if you remember, o-or even if you don’t and you just wanna talk, you know you can always come and find me.” Once again, I felt my heart flutter. Why was he making me feel this way all of a sudden?

“Thank you Spence. You too.” The rest of the journey went pretty smoothly. I didn’t fall asleep but for the most part, the uncomfortable feeling left me alone.

********************************************************************

“Okay guys, head home get some rest. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Hotch said as we made our way out of the parking lot. We all called out to each other before jumping in our cars and made our ways home. Even now, something was playing on my mind, and it was starting to piss me off. You’d think I’d be able to remember something that was bugging me this much. I tried to push it from my thoughts as I flopped onto my bed. I was so worn out I couldn’t even be bothered to change, I just wrapped myself up under my duvet and prayed that sleep would find me soon.

********************************************************************

“Come on y/n, you’re overreacting. You know I only did it because I love you.”

“How the fuck am I overreacting? I never remember asking you to bash someone’s head into the sidewalk out of LOVE”

“You know what? This is your fault. You made me do this.”

“I MADE you?”

“If you didn’t hang out with him dressed like such a slut I wouldn’t have had to do anything.”

“You’re joking right? God your fucking insane.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? Does it hurt your feelings?”

“Shut up you bitch.”

“I’m done with this. I’m done with you. I should have never gone out with you. I’m leaving”

“No you’re not.”

“Dan I swear to fuck if you don’t let go of my hand I am calling the police.”

I jerked upright. My skin was damp with a cold sweat. My heart was hammering against my ribcage. My head was spinning. I couldn’t breathe. The sheets clung to me as scrambled out of my bed and headed for the front door. My mind was scrambled, I couldn’t stay at home. There was only one place I knew I’d feel safe. I pulled my shoes back on and ran out my front door before I begun sprinting down the road. I didn’t trust myself to drive right now.

******************************************************************

As I walked up the stairs of the apartment complex, very much out of breath, I begun second guessing my idea. It was literally 3 in the morning. But before I could convince myself otherwise, I raised my hand to knock on his door. I shouldn’t be here. He was probably asleep. Just as I turned to leave, the door swung open.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” A very dishevelled looking Spencer asked.

“Um yeah, no I just- I’m sorry I shouldn’t have woken you” I replied, fidgeting with my hands.

“It’s fine I’d actually fallen asleep on the sofa, so you did me a favour if anything.” He said with a soft chuckle. I couldn’t focus on his words, my mind still spinning. I could feel my breathing begin to quicken again. I was losing it.

“Hey, what’s going on?” His voice sounded muffled, as if he wasn’t stood right in front of me.

“I-I can’t breathe” I stammered. My legs felt as if they were about to give way. Before I could do anything else, I felt spencer wrap his arms around me and walk me into his apartment. He moved me to the sofa before closing the door and sitting down in front of me.

“What’s going on? Please I want to help but I need you to talk to me.” His voice sounded sincere. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my thoughts.

“I-I knew him.” I stammered, my hands trembling.

“Knew who?” He asked gently.

“I dated him. I don’t remember him being violent but then this one time- oh god. It’s my fault. I did this. T-they died because of me.” By this point, tears were streaming steadily down my face.

“What? Y/N who died? What do you mean you knew him?”

“THE FUCKING UNSUB SPENCER” I yelled, hysterically. I ran my fingers through my hair frantically. “I dated him. Ages ago. I don’t know how I didn’t recognise him. I think, no no I know, I was his stressor.” I explained, breathing heavily. Spencer starred at me. You know it’s bad when you render the boy genius himself speechless. “There was this guy I was friends with at the time, while I was dating Dan.”

“The unsub?” He cut in.

“Yes. Anyway, I’d been friends with this guy before I’d met dan, but they’d never liked each other. And then one night, I’d gone out. It was some sort of occasion, like a celebration thing I don’t know it’s all a bit fuzzy. I was wearing a dress and it wasn’t anything too bad, but it was showing off a decent amount of skin. I don’t really know how but dan turned up where we were and beat the living crap out of my friend. He ended up going to hospital. But that was the last time I saw dan, I left him that night. That has to of been his stressor.” I concluded, resting my head against the back of his sofa.

“You know it’s not uncommon for the brain to repress traumatic memories. That would explain why you didn’t recognise him and why you don’t remember everything, even now. You were most likely in such a toxic, stressful relationship with him that your mind didn’t know how to handle it. So instead of causing you more pain by trying to make sense of it all, it simply pushed those memories back far enough until you’d essentially forgotten that part of your life.” Spencer explained. What he was saying made sense, I didn’t like it, but it made sense. I could barely remember my relationship with him. All the details were jumbled up in my head. “When we brought him in, seeing him in the station must have triggered you to remember him. Or at least parts of it.” I nodded at his words.

“Most likely.” I mumbled. I still couldn’t shake the thought that I’d caused all of this. The pain the victims went through, their families, their friends all because of me. As if he could read my mind spencer spoke up yet again.

“Stop blaming yourself. This isn’t your fault.”

“It is though. If I hadn’t-“

"It’s a chemical thing y/n. That part of him was always there, it just takes a certain situation to cause it to snap. I know it’s hard, but you have to remember that you did not cause this.” His words provided me a slight comfort. Not much, but enough for me to drop the subject.

“I’m sorry to have put all this on you this late.” I mumbled.

“Don’t be. I’m glad you felt you could talk to me about this.” He replied, shifting so he was sitting next to me rather than in front. We sat in a comfortable silent for a few moments, enjoying each other’s company. I tried to stifle a yawn but failed miserably.

“How did you get here? I didn’t see you with any car keys when you came in.” Spencer asked softly.

“I ran.” I admitted, to tired to lie.

“You ran? You live like 3 blocks away.” He said, surprised.

“I was just so shaken up I didn’t think I could drive.” I reasoned.

“You should’ve called me; I would have picked you up.” He replied gazing at me. I felt my stomach flip. I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep, or the fact that I was only now realising how much he cared for me, but in that moment I felt nothing but love for spencer. I studied his facial features for a second, appreciating how attractive he really was. The way his eyes shone constantly with eagerness and knowledge. The way his brows twitched slightly if something confused him. My eyes eventually travelled down to his lips. They looked so soft and inviting. Suddenly, I found myself consumed by the desperate urge to kiss him.

“You’ve always been there for me you know spencer? I can’t tell you how much you mean to me.” I said softly. He looked slightly taken back by my words, but his lips curled up into a small smile.

“You mean a lot too me too. More than I could try to describe.” Before we realised what was happening, we found ourselves leaning closer into each other.

“Spence I-“ But he swiftly cut me off, cupping my face in his hands and pulled his lips to meet mine. My arms found their way round his neck as I laced my fingers into the back of his hair. He held me carefully, as if he was scared he was going to lose me. The kiss was gentle, but it spoke a million words for the both of us. When we eventually pulled away, he kept his hands where the were as he slowly caressed my cheek with his thumb. We didn’t say anything, we didn’t have too. We both knew where we stood and what this meant for us. I just smiled at him, feeling like a lovesick teenager. Eventually he layed back on the sofa, pulling me on top of him. I felt him wrap his arms around my waist protectively as I cuddled closer to him. I’d never felt more at peace than I did in that moment. It didn’t take long for me to start drifting off yet again, with the rhythmic beat of spencer’s heart and the feeling of him tracing small patterns on my back. I felt him press a kiss to my head.

“Sleep well. I won’t let anything happen to you ever again. I love you.” He whispered, just as I slipped away into the darkness of sleep.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #dr spencer reid #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds #criminal minds reid #dr reid #bau #fluff #reid x reader

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pretend-writer · 3 years

Text

Down Below (Chapter 77)

Summary: After being sent down on Earth with the other prisoners from the Ark, Y/N Reyes faces series of events and learns about survival. With new things happening around her, she is now starting a new chapter in her life.

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader, John Murphy x reader, Raven Reyes x sister!reader

Word Count: 3.3k words

Warning: swearing, mention of death, murder and violence

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

'Isn't it such a lovely day outside?' Josephine inhaled the fresh air whilst holding onto my hands that were tied up. 'If it weren't for this whole royal blood thing, we could totally have a picnic together.'

'With all due expect, I'll pass the invitation.' We were held against our will from Russell and his guards to guide them to our ship. I wasn't in a playful mood at all, especially when Emori and John were on their side now.

The two walked alongside Russell up front as we marched back to our ship, talking and having a casual conversation with him as if they didn't plot to kill him the night before.

Emori had threw us under the bus to save herself and John, I've never felt so betrayed. It hurt even more that John seemed okay with this, not doing anything to save us from Russell's insanity.

Josephine sighed, 'Come on. Bellamy has no chance with you after what he did and you and Murphy are practically broken up right?'

'I don't know, I have more important things to worry about. Like your homicidal father. And why do you know about what Bellamy did to me?'

'Abby told me. Emori helped me get through to her when I tried to find out how to get the royal blood. We started talking about you and-' She paused with a sad look on her face. 'She told me everything about everyone, spoke really nasty about you and how you're the reason why her life was a mess. Something about Marcus breaking up with her.'

I shook my head, crazy how I had to hear this from Josephine. Abby was never satisfied with anything, she was the one that made my life a living hell. 'She ruined her own fucking life, I didn't even know he broke up with her. He never told me.'

'Well, that's great. I have another competition going after you.'

'Marcus is family, more so my dad.' As I chuckled lightly watching her reaction, I asked her a question. 'Was talking to Emori and Abby the reason why you fooled some of our people?'

'Emori taught me how to be Clarke. It didn't help in the long run because eventually Murphy found out. Apparently I kept calling his "John".'

Madi walked up to me with a guard behind her, also holding onto her tied up hands. 'Y/N, why are you being friends with this murderer?'

'I'm not friends with her.'

'We're not?'

Turning around to face Josephine, I sighed. She curled her lips and nodded. 'I was only joking... kind of.'

'Well, Clarke is dead and nothing is a joke about that.' Madi implied, glaring at Josephine.

'Madi, remember it wasn't her that killed Clarke. It was Russell. She wasn't alive when everything happened so it's not necessarily her fault.'

'But she's a part of the clan that killed her.'

Oh, how I wish that I could just sit next to her and comfort her. I couldn't imagine how she felt when she was told that Clarke was gone from her life forever.

She reminded me of my younger self, how broken I was after my parents had passed. Even with the abuse that I went through, I was sad that my mother was gone.

The difference between us was that Clarke was with her the whole time. It hurt me that Madi lost someone so dear to her heart and she had no time to grieve.

'We shouldn't associate a person just because they're in the same clan. Miller was Wonkru but he was no where near bad as I was. Matter of fact, he was one of the very few people that didn't lose himself.'

Madi kept her head down, couldn't quite tell if she was feeling sad or not but I didn't want to pry. 'I'm no Clarke but if you need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here.'

She nodded her head up and down, not saying anything at all. I began to worry, hoping that she didn't suddenly feel sick. 'Are you okay Madi?'

'Yes, just a little headache. Some commanders in my head are distracting my thoughts.'

'Do you want me to call Gaia to help you? She's just walking a little ahead of us.'

'No, I'll be fine. Thank you Y/N.'

Josephine stared at Madi as she slowed down on pacing herself with us, eventually walking behind us. 'What's a commander?'

'Nothing.'

'You know Y/N, you should lighten up a little. It seems like you've been down since your little incident with Murphy.'

He wasn't the reason I was "down", I was angry at Emori and her selfish ways of selling us out just for some dumb mind drives. Was living for eternity so important, more important than any of our lives?

'It's not that, not that I need to owe you an explanation.'

'Ouch. I don't blame you for hating me though, my dad did kill this girl.'

'I don't hate you because you're his daughter. You're on the killer's side so I'm just hesitant.'

Josephine pouted, 'Aw. Even after our kiss?'

Miller butted in on our conversation, who was walking next to us. 'Kiss!? Y/N Reyes, you're such a player.'

'Shut up, Miller.' I rolled my eyes as he chuckled. 'Besides, she kissed me not the other way around.'

'Yeah, sure.'

Josephine was fairly nice to me, from what I've seen she wasn't a terrible person. Other than enabling John from getting hurt of course, even though that wasn't really her choice.

It would be great to have her on our side, having someone on the inside to help us get out of this mess. Especially her being Russell's daughter, there would be so much we can use against him but I highly doubt Josephine would take the route of betraying her family.

'We're here.' Russell signaled his armed guards to go in the ship as he whispered something into their ears. He then followed them inside after they've managed to open the ship, leading the rest of us inside.

'All clear.' Guards would yell as they invade our space, inspecting one hallway, one room at a time.

'What's going on?' I heard Jackson mumbling from the main area as the guards reached the last room. 'Why are you all here?'

Russell squeezed between his guards, 'We won't hurt you if you do as I say. All we want is for you guys to make the royal blood.'

'Don't do it.' Raven instantly gotten shoved as she spoke against Russell.

Jackson furrowed his brows as he saw Raven groan from pain, soon realizing something was odd. 'I-I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Just do as he says.' Emori jumped in, 'Make the nightblood and no one has to get hurt. Please.'

The rest of the room was silent, despite the old Wonkru people being there, standing behind Jackson. People were scared, I could sense their fear and confusion. I couldn't blame them, they'd thought that the next time we came back was to tell them our compound was ready.

Niylah walked next to Jackson, stared at Emori for a while. 'Why aren't you and Murphy tied up like the rest of them?'

'Can we just ask questions later, please?' John answered for her, 'Do we have everything we need to make the nightblood?'

'We do, once we fly this thing up.' Abby said as she was standing behind me, hands tied up also. 'I could make it, I just need access to the lab.'

Shaking my head, I turned around to Abby. 'You do realize you need Shaw to fly this ship up.'

A breath escaped Raven's mouth. 'Of course you have to drag him into this, Abby.'

'We don't have a choice right now.'

'There's always a fucking choice.' I yelled at her, 'Just like when we were at the bunker, there is always a choice. You are just too much of a pussy to make one.'

Russell let out a breathe, 'Abby. You come with me. The rest of you will stay in here.'

Murphy's POV;

The guards started to let go of everyone's restraints from their wrists, untying the ropes as they were finally free.

Bellamy immediately approached Y/N, worrying about her and asking questions regarding the situation. Perhaps they were plotting something, finding a way to stop Russell.

This had given me mixed feelings, feeling a little bit of guilt as Bellamy and Y/N have gotten closer. Echo was right, I have probably hurt Y/N for betraying her.

We've never talked about the morning she had told me she loved me either, not that it mattered anymore. Given the circumstances, she had probably forgotten about me already. I didn't blame her, I was the reason for us falling apart as it always was.

This also proved that I was right too, I should've killed Russell a long time ago. As soon as I was free from him, I should've ended everything. Instead Emori made a deal with him, made Y/N think that I was a part of this scheme.

Emori signaled me to come with her as Russell and his wife took Shaw and Abby with them out the room. I took a quick glance at Y/N, who was talking to Bellamy and her sister. I didn't want her to see me following Emori.

Walking quickly to avoid Y/N watching me, I exited the room with Emori. 'What's wrong? You don't agree with this all of the sudden?'

'I never agreed to this, Emori. We said we're going to get Russell at night, when he's sleeping. Not make a deal with him and get the rest of them in trouble.'

'You didn't care about Y/N's opinion but now all of the sudden you do?'

'That and this is different! Now she's held against her will where Russell can possibly kill her.' I held my head, pacing back and forth. 'Instead you got us on his side, I never wanted this.'

Emori held my hand, pulling me closer. 'John, don't you get it? I did this for you.'

'But I never wanted this. I just wan-'

'We can live forever, together. I got this damn mind drive just for you.'

I could see the sorrow and desperation in her eyes. This was all my fault, I broke her heart back at The Ring. Knowing how much she needed me, I decided to leave her.

It wasn't an easy choice to make. At The Ring, I still loved Y/N and believed that she was alive, hoping that Abby and Jackson somehow fixed her after she was exposed from radiation. Even though there was a possibility that I would never see her again, I couldn't be with Emori knowing that my heart belonged to someone else.

But that wasn't enough for Emori, I still hurt her. She would've rather had me fake it than leave her.

'John... why her, why not me?'

'I don't know, Emori. I loved you and I'll always love you. We had our great times but I'm in love with Y/N and I think I've always have been. I'm sorry I don't have an explanation for that.'

Emori shocked her head, it seemed like tears were falling but she was trying to hide it. 'Pathetic, you should've told me this when we broke up.'

'You walked away from me when I wanted to talk to you, don't blame this on me.'

'I just wanted you to fight for me. I'd thought that if I walked away, you'd realize what you had lost.'

The past few years, Emori acted as though the break up didn't hurt her. She was good at hiding it, I never thought that she was feeling this way. 'I'm sorry, Emori. I-I don't know what to say.'

‘It’s... fine. You’ve said enough.’ Emori walked away from me, left to the room where Russell, Simone, Shaw and Abby entered. Sighing, I went back to the room I came from.

Joining in their circle, Echo raised her eyebrows. ‘Your best friend, Russell went the other way Murphy.’

‘I’m not a part of this nor did I agree to this. I didn’t know Emori was going to make a deal with him.’

Talking quietly amongst ourselves, Y/N looked at me. ‘You are a part of it because you didn’t say shit to back us up. This is on you and Emori.’

'I thought you said not to associate them?' Madi looked up at Y/N, I didn't quite understand what she meant by that.

'Madi-' Y/N huffed and pulled her closer, whispering something in her ears.

It stung me that Y/N felt that way about me, there was anger and hatred behind her eyes as she looked at me. This was all my fault so she wasn’t to blame at all, although I was bothered that Emori had dragged me into this. It was the fact that I didn’t do anything about it.

‘Y/N, can we talk in private please?’

‘Do you seriously think now is a good time?’

Bellamy bit his lips and stared at the floor. I bet he was amused at this, watching Y/N and my relationship crumble down. Not only did it hurt me that Y/N was upset with me, Bellamy was getting too comfortable and that irritated me.

Raven looked at Y/N, then me. Her eyes said it all, "give her some space." I rolled my eyes, frustrated in myself and how stupid I've been the last few days.

'So later is now, Murphy. Are you going to answer my question?' Jackson had sensed Y/N wasn't happy with me, assuming that she didn't want to speak and instead changed the subject.

'Like I said earlier, Emori made a deal with Russell. I realize once that he had took everyone else except me and her, that she had some sort of new plan that involved me.'

Y/N's POV;

John irritated me. Just everything made me mad, it was betrayal and I felt as though he took his ex's side over mine. Not that I was more important, knowing that we didn't put a label on our relationship. I just expected more but perhaps I was overthinking.

He claimed that Emori orchestrated everything and I believed him, but I was still mad at him. Call me selfish but couldn't quite forgive him just yet.

I've even told Madi after she had tried to use my words against me; I simply told her that it was different. She replied back with "how?"

The girl was too smart because she was right, it wasn't different. I was too stubborn to admit to her and she knew that because she smirked back at me. She was quite the cheeky one, Clarke did something right for once.

'So back to the plan?' Miller ignored Murphy, 'How are we going to stop Russell from getting the nightblood?'

'There's only a few guards, we can easily take them.' Echo said.

'Yeah but if they fire their guns, it's over. Russell's going to find out we're resisting and can kill us. We need to find another way.' I replied back.

It would've been easy to take them down if it wasn't for their weapons, that'll notify Russell and all of our effort would be for nothing. Instead, I thought of a better plan; Something that can work but I needed this little one to agree with me.

As I looked over at Madi, I smiled. She crinkled her brows in response. 'What?'

'Are you up for a challenge? I think I have a plan that can work.'

'Of course, what do you want me to do?'

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

'It's been a while since Madi had gone, you think she's okay?' Jackson whispered to us, trying to make sure the guards wouldn't hear us talking.

'She's led Wonkru through the gorge, she'll be fine.' Echo reassured us, not that I was worried. I trusted her with everything, especially with her helping us after Wonkru had fallen when Octavia and I fucked everything up.

Our plan was to have Madi crawl into a vent to get some of the criminals out to help us. Since the vent was too small for any of us to fit, she was a perfect candidate for this plan. Echo and Raven had a fake argument to distract the guards while we helped Madi into the vent.

It had been about fifteen minutes since then, waiting patiently for Madi to come back with help. John would look at me from time to time, figured he was trying to find the right timing to come to talk to me.

Of course I wanted to talk to him too, try to go back to how things were before but given the fact that we were in a life or death situation right now, I had to concentrate. Not only that but I was also feeling a bit of jealousy about him and Emori.

Not going to lie, that was main the reason why I didn’t want to talk to him just yet but I wasn't going to admit that.

‘How are you holding up?’ Bellamy scooted closer to me as I was leaning against the wall. ‘Still want to keep Russell alive?’

Raising my brows, I stared at him with a confusing look. He chuckled lightly. ‘I was kidding, sorry.’

‘You’re funny but Russell was not what I had in mind.’ There was no way I was going to tell him that it was John that crossed my mind, we didn't need a real argument to start at this moment.

‘Yeah I figured but I-I just didn’t know what to say to you. It felt like it had been so long since we had a decent conversation with each other.’

I had to admit, it was cute seeing Bellamy acting shy and awkward. Or maybe perhaps the argument that I had with John was making me see Bellamy in a different way again. I didn’t like it, the way my heart would switch between the two, it wasn’t fair for them and it sure as hell was not fair for me either. Already having so much to deal with, I didn’t want my love life to be more complicated than it already was.

Just as I was about to reply to Bellamy, a noise came from the electrical doorway that was locking us in. Everyone in the room including the guards turned to face that direction, getting ready for whoever was trying to come in.

After that noise was just pure silence, it was as if everyone was holding their breath. That wasn't until a few moments later, the door opened widely, revealing Madi and several armed criminals standing behind her.

‘Put down your weapons, it’s over.’ Madi walked in, ‘You shoot and you are all dead including your precious Primes.’

‘That’s my girl.’ I smiled, approaching Madi while the rest of the criminals worked their way to the guards, tying their hands with the ropes that were used on us earlier. 'Any signs of Russell?'

‘Nope, I don't think him and his wife suspected a thing.’ She grinned back, giving me a high five. ‘You are forgetting something though.’

‘What do you mean?’

She turned around and pointed behind her, where Marcus was standing by the door way with a huge smile on his face. He looked perfectly healthy, as if the surgery and the incident never happened. He waved his hand, greeting me. ‘Hey monkey.’

Instantly I ran off to hug him, jumping onto him as I wrapped my arms tightly around him. ‘Sorry, I know you’re hurt and all but I couldn’t help it.’

‘No, it’s fine.’ I felt his breath on my neck as he lightly laughed, ‘I don’t care about that at all. I’m just glad to see you again kiddo.’

Burying my face into his shoulder, I started to cry. With everything that was happening from Russell’s murder to my problems with Bellamy and John, I was so glad to see Marcus again. ‘I’m glad to see you too.’

He cupped my face, wiping the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. 'We're going to help our people, together this time.'

It was nice to have Marcus back on his two feet, I was more happy that he was by my side this time. 'Sounds like a plan.'

#the 100 series #the 100 fanfiction #bellamy blake series #bellamy blake fanfiction #bellamy blake fic #bellamy blake x reader #john murphy x reader #john murphy series #john murphy fanfic #bellamy blake fanfic #raven reyes x sister!reader

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xenteaart · 4 years

Text

Messy

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader

Summary: You and Five got headhunted by the Handler after she’d rescued the two of you from the apocalypse. You are basically partners kinda like Hazel and Cha-Cha except there’s a much stronger bond between you two because you had to spend around 10 years surviving the apocalypse side by side prior to your involvement with the Commission.

(So both Five and reader are now 23-25 ish).

Warnings: blood, mentions of violence

Note: this is a very random thing and pls keep in mind i’ve never written five before so i’m not quite sure how to capture his character yet but i just couldn't get this image out of my head so. ALSO i used someone’s headcanon about five’s skin burning after his spatial jumps and i’m so sorry i can’t remember who it was but THANK YOu for this hc it’s amazing. enjoy!

also you can check out my headcanons and kinda background story for this fic here !

This particular mission had gone unnecessarily bloody a bit too quickly. You and Five were very well-trained hitmen since the Handler made sure you got the best of the best as your mentors, and you were usually quite efficient when it came to taking someone out - always clean shots, always fast and professional. Part of the reason why you both tried to be as precise as possible was your still present humanity. You never really wanted to be doing this job in the first place but as Five once told you during your breakdown over how big of a mistake accepting the deal was - there’s no good guys or bad guys, there’s just people going about their lives, and making the deal was the only way out of that nightmare you two were living. The least you could do was make people’s deaths as quick and painless as possible.

This night, however, happened to be an exception from your familiar well-established shoot-from-afar-and-be-done routine. Your victim had noticed the both of you way before you needed him to which resulted in him bringing some unexpected company that you had to deal with. Of course, you were trained for all sorts of gone-wrong scenarios but it never gave you any thrill or pleasure. In fact, you hated when things got messy and you had to use your own hands to snap necks and crack bones.

You and Five were now heading back to the motel, quite literally soaked in blood, your suits so badly stained it was easier to throw them away and get new ones instead. The deafening silence in the car was starting to give you a pounding headache on top of the one you already had from your mission, and Five’s palpable tension right beside you was not helping.

He was the one driving this time, his eyebrows were knitted together, his lips tightly pressed into a thin line of bottled anger and something that resembled disappointment, although you couldn’t quite riddle out the exact emotion that was painted over his features.

“My skin is on fire.” Five uttered, exhaustion and hints of pain seeping through the crack in his voice. It tended to happen when he did too many spatial jumps, his gift turning into a curse and causing him so much physical discomfort he could barely breathe as the rearranging atoms were dancing across his skin and settling back into the state they were supposed to be in.

Being put in the circumstances the two of you got put in meant you had gotten insanely close. Taking care of each other's health and mental well-being in the ashy remnants of what used to be your home would not have been possible if you hadn’t figured out a way to get comfortable around each other and improved your communication skills to perfection. At this point in your relationship there was barely anything you couldn’t do in front of each other, nudity now seeming a laughable reason to feel embarrassed or awkward.

Naturally, as you finally stepped foot into your motel room, the only two things you and Five could think about were getting rid of your bloody clothes and running yourselves a bath. You always made it cold to help soothe Five’s burning skin and relieve the excruciating ache that came after especially challenging missions. Besides, the temperature often helped you sober up and clear your mind a little so it was perfect for both of you.

As soon as you and Five got into the bathtub, a loud sigh escaped his lips as he buried his face in his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs, quite literally turning into a shaking ball of pain and irritation. Sometimes even he questioned whether agreeing to work for the Commission was the brightest decision in the long run.

“C’mon, give me your hands,” you whispered, gently brushing over his fingers and leaning towards him; your pose now mirroring his as you pressed your knees to your chest. The water was slowly turning into a pinkish shade as the dry blood was starting to come off your skin and dissolve into it. Five simply looked up to meet your gaze and complied without saying a word.

You took his hands and began to gently rub them in circles, still careful not to inflict too much pain on his already hurting skin while delicately scrubbing off the evidence of your tonight’s misadventure. You knew he hated having blood on his hands just as much as you did, the crimson stains serving as a frustrating reminder of the price you had to pay to escape a lifetime of being stranded in a lifeless world, surviving off scraps and sleeping on the cold ground.

As you reached your small pocket knife that was resting on the nearby sink, you started to clean the blood from under Five’s fingernails, the knife’s blade thin enough to get all of it out but not nearly sharp enough to cut his flesh or hurt him at all. Doing that felt a lot like meditation in its own way. You were way too focused on caring for Five’s hands and getting them clean to let any disturbing thought intrude your mind and throw you off balance. It worked for him too as he was quietly watching your own hands move slowly and steadily as you were taking your time.

The silence between you shifted into something a lot more comforting and peaceful (all things considered), and you could feel Five’s shoulders drop a little as he relaxed more and more into your caring touch.

“You okay?” he asked matter-of-factly, even though you knew he was downplaying it mostly to avoid facing the reality of how shit the situation you two ended up in actually was. Also, you knew he cared. A lot.

Instead of replying, you simply gave Five a weak smile as if to say “you already know the answer but I appreciate you asked anyway” and leant in to press your forehead against his, such close proximity of his face to yours never failing to make you calmer no matter how hard things had gotten. You timidly rubbed your nose against Five’s, brushing over its slightly crooked shape with your tip and moving all the way up to his still furrowed brows.

“Okay, but this is just silly,” he rolled his eyes, unable to resist a soft smile which made a dimple on his cheek deepen a little as the corner of his lips curved in a tired yet somewhat amused expression.

“You’re welcome,” you replied with a nod and planted a light kiss on his cheek before returning your full attention to his bloody fingernails.

Five looked at you with infinite gratitude and almost adoration, still genuinely surprised at how comfortable and safe he felt around you, considering he never let any other human being come even remotely as close as you did.

He never properly said it, never addressed how he felt about you, and quite frankly - he didn’t even know what to call your relationship. But he did know that sitting in a cold bath in a cheap crappy motel in the middle of nowhere felt more like home than anywhere else merely because you were right next to him, and for now he couldn’t ask for more.

#tua #tua fic #The Umbrella Academy #umbrella academy fandom #five hargreeves x reader #number five x reader #five hargreeves #number five #umbrella academy fanfic #reader insert #my writing #my fic #five x reader

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muffindaddystyles · 4 years

Text

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐌𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐒.

Tw// eating disorder.

I was thinking of how I skip meals and stuff while studying, but still people could comment on how a certain way my body has gotten. So,,,yeah. Just wanted to write a blurb on that.

Eating meals thrice a day's fun thing, kiddos.

Harry's busy with album, well you with uni to the point you've no spare time to take care of yourself. You just wakes up giving a haste kiss to him, rush to university because you were studying all last night in the guest room not to disturb him knowing how half of limps he comes back from the studio. When you're back at home he's at the studio again and you straight away flops into your sheets without eating anything, then you again get up from your nap have a bit of snack and the routine goes on for irritatingly exhausting loop.

Else when Harry's not too busy in work he checks upon you while your nose's in books, he brings you snacks. green apples. your favourite chocolates. cack-buns. whatever he could steal from refrigerator. He clings to you until you don't end up taking a break pouting adorably, "what'd ye' do without me hu? starve yourself." So you always end up giving in.

When he becomes your tutor for the mean time and it all has one ending; that's him quenching out many orgasms from you while you thrash in his lap, him fuckin' you raw because he has missed your warmth too passion, him teasing you not letting you focus on what you're studying. That's the worst one from all of the above because when he does that he doesn't stop and it drives you insane.

When sometimes you're too stubborn he grabs you by ankles making you squeal in amusement and throws you on his shoulder to drag you to the nearest diner and swear you look like panda wearing his tattered t-shirt and pyjamas.

He doesn't let you sit in another room and study alone, whining that he couldn't sleep without you in his arms and he used to sleep on you listening to the buzz of whatever you were reading, cheek smashed against your tummy arms coiled around your waist.

That indeed caused you weakened eyesight from focusing under the night lamp. But, you loved it how he always tried to make you stick to him now he couldn't you miss him and his care.

Dinners long forgotten. In breakfast you eat cereal in the same bowl Harry did moments ago before leaving you have time for nothing, and in lunch you fill your system with cold coffees.

Now. You were free after your exams hanging out with your classfellows for few hours before going home and seep into your sheets for two damn days.

"Looks like you gained weight, during this semester." One of your classmates told you with a weird pull of her brows and you chuckled nervously not knowing what to say, the plastic cup of cold mocha in your hand getting sweaty.

"Pfft. She looks fine. This one was hectic for all of us. Y/n you look great." There's a huge lie under it because you look sodden and emotionally traumatised, you know it people don't need to butter things up for you.

You excused yourself from the hangout. You looked at delcious mocha with watering mouth and yearning gaze but you gave it to the homeless little girl in your way considered how many carbs it contains.

You rambled to yourself. Muttering under your breath what you'd have said to her. 'Maybe beacuse I'm happy and when you're happy your heart makes more blood. Maybe I'm hanging out with my friends more often eating to my fullest and maybe I enjoy having late night snacks with my boyfriend.'

But you were doing none of that so you couldn't have said that to her.

When you stepped inside your home it was smelling appetizing, again watering your mouth and making your stomach growl loudly.

When you padded inside Harry was making pasta for you in the kitchen singing a melody to himself most probably of his album. He's glowing from hanging out with his friends, writing songs, and singing them whole day at studio but you're not you feel miserable.

At some point you had thought of dropping out and end this shit for real but looking forward to Harry. How he faces every hardship and never gives up, you did not too. You're always gonna idolise him.

Harry notices your presence and he wide spreads his arms for you to just cuddle into him. Wooden spatula in his hand and he grins brightly at you, "c'mere puppy. made pasta fo' m'girl." You didn't felt like eating it. Not because you're not hungry. You're fucking starving but your stomach has gotten accustomed to be empty all the time that it's feeling like a mission to fill it.

"M'not hungry. Had lunch already." You muttered lying to him walking past him to your shared room and his brows rocketed to his forehead surprised that you didn't fled in his arms as you usually do, not even a peck on his cheek, not an appreciation that you'd eat it after your nap.

You're a bit cranky, stressed and all over the place. You don't want to take it all out in him because you know you'd say mean things just as "I missed you so much, but all you cared was to enjoy yourself with your friends and make songs with them." . "Duh. Only if I could be a singer who doesn't needs to do anything." Or "you didn't once checked upon me." Because you know that would be your nonsensical words but it would really hurt him.

Not changing into comfortable clothes you dived into your sheets sleeping on your stomach. Harry felt alone and sad even though you guys aren't being that close for months despite of some quick sex in shower and when you or him badly needs a release.

He didn't even touched his home made pasta putting it in container and storing it into fridge. His ears perked up at your moans, only realizing that those were moans of pain. You were groaning in your sleep from the headache and cold sweat breaking all over you, you're feeling nauseous even in your sleep too.

Harry was by your side resting his hand atop your shoulder and he found you bathed into sweat, pulling his bottom lip he frowned running his thumb in circles at the nape of your neck.

It's so unlike of you. To not change and brush your hair before going to bed. He turned you around, "shh. sh. baby 's me Harry." He whispered when you whimpered snuggling your face to his folded thigh and tucking your hands in between your own thighs like a sandwich.

He stroked your blazed flushed cheeks with the back of his index finger. Taking in the slightest of features that looks worn out, he really missed you and he kinda feels bad that he got so engulfed into everything that he forgot to check if you're okay.

He pecked your lips removing duvet from over you changing your clothes only leaving you in your panties and your favourite rolling stone shirt of his's. He massaged your soles and ankles a timid smile creeping at his lips at the memory how he used to give you head and back massages. He missed being by your side too.

It was past midnight and you were still into deep sleep. Concerned Harry gently tapped your shoulders kissing your forehead, "bubba. wake up darlin' you haven't eaten anything." Only if Harry knew how it has become a routine.

You woke up with little yawns and cute rubs of eyes making your Harry giggle and shower you in his loud wet kisses. The storm had yet to come. When your eyes fell over your clothes anxiety ignited in all of your body and you pushed him not even glimpesing at the awfully hurt eyes he got after that.

You quickly covered yourself with duvet with wide eyes stuttering, "why did you changed my clothes." You don't want him to look at you when you're so out of shape and not feeling physically appreciative in yourself even though you're exactly how you were before.

This's what happens when someone puts the seed of insecurities inside you.

Harry did what he has been doing the whole day, frowned in confusion he doesn't want to think you're done with him and doesn't loves him anymore but it's flickering through his mind.

"M'sorry, jus' thought that I always used to change you. You wouldn't mind." At this you strewned your lip inside not to cry at your situation how do you tell him what you're feeling?

He fumbled with his rings. Shaking your head you stood up but a train of dizziness making you knock your knees with the beds foot and Harry was on his feet wrapping you in his arms.

"You need to eat. m'not takin' any excuses. When was the last time you ate?" He was furious at you. He doesn't care if you push him this time too. He loves you too much to let you ruin your health like this. When even you forgot that what was the last time you ate a proper meal He shook his head in exasperation.

The door to ensuite bathroom was open wide as he sat a tray of pasta and two plates infront of you, his head craned in your direction as you examined yourself in the bright lit mirror.

Pinching your slightest pouch then turning a little to have a proper look of yourself. Harry didn't said anything he just observed you joining the dots clearing his throat, "come to me, pet." He made space for you and you tried to give him a smile that came out wavering.

Eating in silence. After, so much time it feels like eating a proper meal's a blessing but you couldn't eat much giving it to Harry and he took it from you kissing your head.

"Sorry." You mumbled and he stood taking the trays with himself raising his finger in air gesturing you to wait.

He waddled back not thinking twice and taking you in his arms, burying his nose into your hair as you did into his sweater cuddling closer to him.

"I know you're not feelin' good. Bad days happens with all of us." His lips lingered over your hair and he's missing the usual smell of your shampoo. He smoothed down your arms and it's the proper cuddle you're sharing after so long.

"Whateva' goin' with you tell me whenev' you're ready." His finger tucks under your chin thumb circling over your softest skin.

You just wanted to let it all out but decided against it thinking you're gonna get back to normal and everything would be okay.

Sensing your hesitation just from the beats of your heart he reminded you looking you straight in your eyes, "remember. I'm gonna love you forever and always. Whateva' it takes for m'body to."

You nodded giving a chaste kiss to his lips and both of your eyes fluttered at that warmth, his fingers dipping into your hips.

Next day you were way better. Hanging out with Harry's bestest friend at café near your home, Harry has his arm slinged around your shoulder keeping you close to him as he talked joyously.

"What would you like to eat bunny? Brownie?" He asked you knowing how much you love brownies. If anyone wants to have their way to your heart it's always brownies and chocolates.

When you first started dating Harry, he knew how much you loved chocolates so he would bring a box of different chocolates with one tulip everytime he used to visit you. He used to fed those delights to you (with a kiss in return of each) so much that you had a sugar crash once which isn't your proudest moment.

You shook your head at which his friend quips, "ooooh dieting miss?" Then that same damn insecurity came back rushing to you and when you looked down then to her asking her innocently Harry's heart broke into millions pieces, realization dawning on him with a jab.

"Do you think I need to diet?" She shakes her head vigorously trying to make you understand that her intention wasn't to make you feel bad, "hey no. you're perfectly healthy I was just teasing you." You nod at her with a little "oh." and after that Harry felt you zoning out away from him emotionally.

At home on your bed while Harry rummaged through drawers for your favourite sushi socks you pondered over everything quietly, it's frustrating him. Your silence's killing him. He wants his bubbly bunny back who used to hop in excitement, who used to crack boomer jokes with him, who used to eat brownies and chocolates like it's her last sweetness.

"Bunny..." He gave a squeeze to your ankle after slipping your feet into warm socks, "talk t' me yeah? 'S killin' me." You sapped your teeth into your lower lip.

"It's been hard Harry. Very very hard." He cradles your jaw and you continued, "my head used to ache so bad while studying, eyes used to sting and I stopped eating anything...." Tears bearing at your eyeline and Harry scoots closer to you. He feels awful.

".....n' and you weren't there. I missed you so much you know...wanted to sleep in your arms after a long day...." You were full on sobbing now and Harry's own lip wobbled he can't see you crying especially when he's the reason.

"M' s' sorry baby. Such a dickhead I'm." He wipes your tears with his hands lost inside you hair and thumbs stroking the apples of your cheeks.

"Then again people had to throw it on my face that I've gained extra fats—" Harry grunted at this nose flaring, "who the fuck told ya—oh my god." His eyes enlarging and he felt so fucking remorseful that this's what you were insecure of from days.

"Listen to me y/n. You're exactly like how you were baby. Except more beautiful. Don't let any man, any woman to tell you that you're not. Don't let 'em hurt ye' bunny." He pulled you in his lap kissing your cheeks as you cried into his shoulder and he let you because you need it.

"Never hide your body from me bubba. You know that I worship it with my whole heart." He murmured and now you're full on crying with breath hitching, hiccuping like an innocent baby.

"M' an' awful person." He protested knuckles feathering your jaw, "no you're not."

"Yes I'm. You love me so much and–and I wanted to say mean hurtful things to you." You huffed at him when he smiled musingly, "because I was the one never giving my all lovin" to you how you deserve in the very first place. No' made sure you were eatin' properly or not, you know how worried I got findin' you practically drenched with sweat in bed that day? It was because of your low blood pressure."

He squeezes you in his arms, sponging light kisses at the side of your neck while you closed your eyes and he slipped his hand under your shirt tickling you hooking his thumb in your belly button.

"I'll love your soul in every body." His affectionate words soon turned into cheeky ones, "anddd yeh' know how much I like pregnant women."

You giggled at him smacking his shoulder but he captured it interlacing your fingers kissing the gap of your each knuckle.

That night. You guys made dinner together eating it with a big smile and gratefully for Harry you licked your plate clean.

"Sweets?" You asked him with a lowered gaze and a tilt of your head. He tapped his lips teasingly straddling you over his thigh and a moan fused into warm air when your lips slotted into perfect missing puzzles.

He admired. Sipped. Adored every inch of you tasting your mouth while his fingers kissed the dip of your waist and thighs.

"Hmm. Close your eyes open your mouth." He pecked your lips placing his thumb over your tongue and you obeyed closing your eyes shut.

Soon his thumb was replaced with dark sweetness and you instantly got on what he has done, immediately opening your eyes chewing the chocolate. Tangerine bursting on your tongue as the chocolate cracked open.

"Such a cute little mouth chews just like a bunny." He moans against your lips swiping at the hint of chocolate on your lower lip and you mumbled an appreciative 'thank you.' to him which was soon captured by his own mouth in the form of passionate kiss.

P.s: I freakin' love chocolates and this whole situation I wrote it on me because I know I've alot of people struggling through the same difficulty the thing's we've to be our own Harry.

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