ENTRY 125
March 15, 2004
My boyfriend at the time decides to randomly surprise me with a drive to San Francisco. It was about two or three hours away from us. I had never been there before. Only saw it in shows and movies. Seemed like a cool place, why not? I was just thankful for the road trip in general!
Seeing more of California, seeing more of our country, the drive there was really nice. But when I saw San Francisco for the first time, I automatically fell in love with that city. The people I talk to that have been there in recent years don't have any kind things to say about it, all well and fine, but none of that changes my memories.
I remember this feeling coming over me. I just really, really wanted to live there. The food we ate, the places we shopped at, the fashion many of the people were wearing, the bars, the clubs, I just wanted it to be my forever home. It was so different from the east coast and the south. It had its own life, its own vibe, and I wanted to be a part of it.
We stayed for two days and even though I was just a tourist, I hated leaving. Visiting all the different areas and attractions wasn't enough. I wanted to live it. I felt such a pull. I wanted to go back there before we even left. I didn't know how or when, I just knew I loved it and wanted to be there always.
Little did I know at the time, the following month of May would bring a huge opportunity. More thoughts later.
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You know, in all my worrying about being able to afford to do anything for my birthday, I didn’t think about what else could go wrong.
I only go to the movies one day a year (I’m broke and it’s 25 miles away), but this year there is not one playing that is worth it. I even looked at theaters 50 miles away, but the bar for “worth the money and time” goes up that far away. And it only gained me a couple picks.
No movie.
**sniff**
I only get take out one day a year, but now that I’m not going to a movie that’s all I have. Except now I would be going just for the food, driving 25 miles (50, round trip, of course) for mediocre food, 50 (100 round trip) for good. I am buying gas at $10 a go because I can’t afford a full tank, so gas for going so far is an investment for me. But maybe….
The car started making sounds.
Oh no.
And then my broken tooth started hurting…
Do I use money I don't have to waste to drive so far just to buy some food I may not be able to eat?
But Thursday is my damn birthday! I want to DO something different or special. I won’t get cards or gifts or “Happy birthday!” I need something to distract myself from the despair of the looming mortality of wasted and lonely life! A $5 matinee and cheap Chinese food was all I had to look forward to, but it was something at least!
I wish I lived where there were museums or parks or something, anything, that a poor person can do as a treat.
Hmmmm
I could bundle up from the cold, go to the woods, and actually lie on the ground and sleep. I’ve never done that before. And naps give me headaches, so….maybe not. Still, hypothermia could solve all my problems….
Joking. I mean, it probably wouldn’t actually kill me. Darn it.
So now what?
I know all this is stupid. I should just be glad that I don’t have to chose between groceries and something “special”. Yeah, great. i’m so lucky to be saved from choices.
Geez, I just wanted to DO something besides everyday survival and my own damn cooking.
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Fellow Travelers sex scenes
I can't stop thinking about what Matt and Jonny keep repeating over and over again in interviews, regarding the FT sex scenes. That, in the writing and filming it was important that:
No two scenes were the same.
Every sex scene informed the story.
The characters were not the same before the scene as they were after. That they were changed by it.
So, let's talk about them.
"Pretend"
establishment of hawk's usual modus operandi -- brief fucks with strangers. he keeps a tight rein on his desires and won't allow himself to want more.
2. "Fold them."
establishing dynamics, hawk is in control, tim is being (happily) led. par for the course for hawk (or is it?)
3. "I'm your boy, right?"
tim can play, too. this dynamic is not one-way. the 'power' in this relationship definitely does not lie solely with hawk. you might even say this flips the power dynamic on its head. hawk is GONE.
4. "Do you like it this way? Your life, like this?"
not a sex scene, but one of the first slow, tender aftermaths. clear now that, for both of them, this goes much much deeper than just sex.
5. "I belong to Hawkins Fuller."
tim showing that he's willing to meet hawk on his level. the submission and dominance are so intertwined here they can't be separated. it's the willingness of that submission, the willingness of that Belonging, that changes everything.
and tim begging (through provocation) hawk to acknowledge him / what they have, out loud. "who do you belong to" = "i love you, i need you, tell me you need me too."
6. "It's your turn tonight."
a fucked-up goodbye, on hawk's part. he really thinks this might be the last time he's allowed to see tim, and he says 'i love you' the only way he knows how -- with his body, with service.
7. "Your Honor, I stand before you accused of being sweet."
crucially, not a sex scene. even more crucially, there is no sex at all in episode 5, where they separate for the first (and, they think, last) time. instead, we're shown what they're really giving up -- this too sweet (painfully sweet) domesticity.
8. "We don't have to do what we used to do."
the horribly empty aftermath. where they give in to "sex", of a sort, but it's dry and horrifically painful and NOT AT ALL what either of them want. because what they want is intimacy, not sex. and they're not allowed this.
9. "Stay with me."
the botched threesome, where craig is an afterthought, an excuse for hawk and tim to be together, and even then, horrifically painful in the way they LONG for each other and for what they can't have.
10. "I want you to fuck me."
a true surrender. again, hawk showing what he wants the only way he knows how -- through his body -- giving tim his willing submission, body, heart and soul.
11. "We'll be colleagues. We'll see each other every day."
not technically a sex scene, but the truest expression of them 'making love' that we ever get on screen. returning to #1, it's the polar opposite of what hawk had previously allowed himself, and it's what he really wants -- all the intimacy he'll shortly be sacrificing.
12. "That better?" "Oh yeah."
finally, finally, after all those years, a return to the true intimacy they were craving.
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hi bee what's a destination you'd like to travel to but haven't been yet?
SO MANY. ideally i'd like to just travel everywhere and anywhere. some of the top ones though are UK, Japan but also USA just cause I wanna meet all of my American friends. but honestly the list could go on and on and on
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