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piosplayhouse · 2 years

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Oh also just a casual psa while I'm thinking about it:

For future reference + transparency I'm just gonna come out and say that I have a lot of struggles with my weight (not so much body image related as much as ocd related), so I really try to avoid content related to basically anything to do with weight in general. I want to assert that I do support all types of body positivity and definitely encourage people to promote things related to that, but just don't feel comfortable interacting with or looking at anything regarding weight or body size at all myself. I actually used to have stuff like pro/ana dni on my pinned but I took it off because just seeing the words made me feel kind of off hghgh. Anyways I really hope this doesn't come off disrespectful or wrong or anything like that, I was just at the doctor's today so I was thinking about it and wanted to prevent any miscommunications before they happened. Thank you : -)

#ough i really hope this comes across right cause i just don't want people to think I dont support things bc i dont reblog them #because i do! im just quite honeslty struggling a bit rn and cant risk it im sorry #ahh might delete later if i post and realize it doesnt sound good

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little-nugget-writes-stufff · 11 months

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Tbh i can really see dottore doing research about the mighty creator. What would they think about the fatui now? I cant see him being devoted to the creator, much unlike childe, but he would still be interested enough to do research about them.He'd probably get really close, perhaps even finding a way to contact them. Would he tell the other harbingers? No, ofcourse not. There is no guarantee how they will react.

So how this happened? He just got a bit too caught up in his research (as usual) yet this time about the creator. He figured out that in your world, its just a game (theory of fake skies also confirmed for him)

When he met the traveler, he felt your presence with them. Why would such mighty deity use the traveler as a vessel? Maybe the traveler was that strong because of you? The questions kept building up.

When he saw people from other regions running around, he realised, you didn't just use the traveler as a vessel, but people all across tevyat. His theory was confirmed when he saw how stronger the peeps gotten after you used them as a vessel.

He was suprised when he saw childe running around in the academia (idk how to write it lmao) he waited until the creators presence was gone before he aproached childe.

when he asked him, he didn't know how to respond. So you used them as a vessel without them knowing? Fascinating!

He found a way to spy observe you, and not the traveler, no no... You. He could watch you through your mirror...

You were just working on some homework, when you saw a slight face flash in the mirror, but thought nothing on it. The doctor on the other hand was Ecstatic! He found a way!

What he didn't expect was that the creator dressed so... Basic..? He had expected luxurious clothes, not a hoody and sweatpants (idk man i just went with it)

He decided not to draw attention to himself. Not untill he knew more. Perhaps if you discovered, you'd delete him from existance and he couldnt have that.

The more he watched, the more he learned. About you, your hobbies, the way you went through life...

...

But it wasnt enough...

...

he asked his clones to start preparing a luxurious room for a guest, in secret. None of the other harbingers could know.

Too bad for him that pantalone slowly saw not a tiny bit of mora dissapear, but ALOT. Like... 4 million mora? At first he thought the doctor was just spending it on medical supplies, but when it piled up even higher he got curious aswell.

So there the ninth harbinger was, on his way to pay the doctor a visit.

Alr im too lazy to finish this rn, so might finish it later :3

I hope you have a great day/night :D

#dottore #pantalone #genshin impact #genshin sagau #sagau headcanons #sagau idea

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whyw8lf · 7 months

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yk, sometimes I feel like no one will ever love me for who I am other than my achievements. Like rn, I'm just this lost cause trying to get my life together. Childhood love or teenage romance are fairytales to me. I heard this somewhere, "Whose to say butterflies are beautiful and caterpillars are not?" and I'm hardly crawling. Nothing about me is special. Anyone can build their body, get rich, make some jokes, read books and know things etc. Even my face isn't all that unique. It's just a combination of random features. Pretty generic. So, are we just our choices, the order we create, or is our chaos what we are born with that makes us unique. and which of them is beautiful ? Perhaps, Beauty does lie in the eye of the holder. and all this is just romance. Love and romance are two different things. Self-love is the way to go it seems. Saying "I got you" in the mirror. Positive self talk. I sometimes even talk to myself as if I'm talking to friend. Sometimes, I try to make myself feel safe but it's hard. I dont have such confidence and blind faith in myself. Then again, who needs confidence. I just need courage. I just need to push myself, stand straight and face another day. Try new things, be a fool and carry on. I think I dont feel confident because maybe I shouldn't be. Confidence is more like trust, it is build. I'll feel way more confident if I build something as a foundation first, myself, my body, my vessel on this limited journey. My most important card. My mind is important too, most powerful card perhaps. I should feed them quality stuff, chalenge them, test them, grow them and take care of them. But my soul asks for experiences. It wants to be free and fluid. I often feel like I'm missing out on life. So much effort in making life better while hardly living it. Instant gratification vs delayed gratification. Sacrifice blah blah. I had so much resistance, which I recently overcame. Changing myself was hard, is hard. It was so hard I wanted to give up on myself. I thought I deserve this hell. I'm weak and I must atone for my sins. I used to and I still cry every single day for one reason or another. I'm trying to hold myself together and not mess up as always. I sometimes think I'm not even living. I'm paralyzed. I feel stuck. All this effort, just to be normal, just to feel safe. When did I lost my child like excitement, that spirit. Everything is logical, rational. I'm suppose to be strong all the time. and by the time, I'll be free, I'll get another responsibility. I want to feel weak, safe and not alone in this battle. I want to feel so protected that the thought of fighting should even come to my mind as it was when I was a child. Guess it's too late now. I have lost my innocence too. I'm just flawed and vicious as every other human. I'm not beautiful. I'm not special. Just a blimp in nowhere, but this is all I got. So I must choose to play this character and play the most magnificent game possible. It's hard to give some much to life when you cant seemed to be getting anything back. When your candle is hardly buring and there's a strom outside. I dont know what to think or feel. Life just happens to me and I'm trying to deal with it. Taking control little be little. Getting strong slowly.

(I originally texted this to friend. Felt like posting it, might delete later.)

#self love #courage #growth #love #vent post #tw vent #vent #journey #adhd #childhood

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goldenpinof · 10 months

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First of all I agree with you about how every time they've given up a little control its gone a bit sideways. The other example I can think of is the rize liveshows during II which were literally awful, but they had to do because rize sponsored the tour.

With the britcrew thing. So im not the biggest expert on this, this is just sort of knowledge ive gained over the years so if anyone knows more, feel free to correct me, but my understanding is that around about 2014 when the british youtube scene started popping off, the big channels including zoella, alfie deyes, louise, joe sugg, casper lee, and all the others that I cant remember the names of rn, were all offered contracts under this one company (whose name I cant find), an MCN (multichannel network) that basically said you give us some control over your content + a percentage of your revenue and we can guarantee you a lot of veiws for a long time.

At this time YouTube was very much still a new concept so the idea of big companies being interested in channels and treating them more like mainstream media was a big thing. The members of the britcrew, as far as Im aware, were all contracted under the same MCN. In terms of content this meant that they were all constantly collabing, going to the same events etc, and basically building up that image of a big group of best friends even more. And obviously it worked for a time, because thats exactly how they were seen.

Dan and phil did not get contracted under the MCN and they have both said that they never wanted to give over that kind of comtrol to anyone, but as they have also both admitted, that it did mean they were much more isolated from the britcrew scene. Now i do think that this worked out well for them anyway, because I dont think they would have enjoyed, or looked like they are enjoying constantly being content for other people.

By 2017ish (i might have the timeline a little off) everything started going sideways because the MCNs were trying to turn youtube in to too much of a mainstream media copy, making bad business decisions, plus they were screwing over creators left right and center, so people were ending their contracts, veiwers stopped watching etc. In the end the MCNs tanked and went bankrupt, which meant that a lot of the channels that had been relying on them went with it. That coupled with all of the controversy that happened with various people meant that the brit crew sort of ended by 2018, where as dnp, who never joined any sort of management company in the first place, were still going strong, even years later.

Basically dnp have a) never let anyone else hold control over their image and b) never gotten themselves involved in big controversies, which has meant that even though their channels are naturally declining (which considering phils been doing yt for nearly 2 decades is really impressive), they still have tons of options for their careers in future and at no point did they become at risk of losing the phouse.

okay, with Rize that i also forgot about there are quite a few things they let go the control of. also the super amazing project like @foreverjustanemokidatheart mentioned.

when you said about contracts for the britcrew i 1st thought you were talking about Gleam Futures (and our infamous gleam team). but they still exist somehow and it's not an MCN, so i also don't know. very interesting things with %. i find it quite naive since collaborations could be done without a third party involved. i would love to know what kind of work that MCN was providing :) for me, it felt like the britcrew started falling out after Hello World. i couldn't find who was organizing it and how much Gleam Futures got involved. but the majority of creators were Gleam's clients so, it's not a surprise that people started leaving (Tanya is still with them, what a plot twist).

Dan and Phil had their controversies followed by Dan deleting some of his videos in 2018. interesting how it never blew up like a lot of this stuff does. also their friendship with f*lix. i remember people leaving the phandom after that Emma Blackberry's bday. rightfully so. and despite Dan distancing himself from that person, looks like we're going backwards.

with us investing in forever home for years, they just can't lose it.

#and that alone raises lots of questions #answered #i'm not here to discuss it right now. i just don't feel strong enough to write essays. but i know where i stand.#and i will never support f*lix and his besties #youtube

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hella1975 · 1 year

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hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

#i feel for you genuinely you couldnt pay me any money in the world to be 18 and scared again #it's truly fucked how little guidance we get just to turn a corner and realise everything truly is fine #like geniunely things work themselves out and adulthood teaches you that #there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options #it's not as overwhelming anymore #ask

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kingmojomonkey · 5 months

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Personal rant ignore (Dec 2023 part 2)

after a week the texts has stopped as i predicted im both glad/relieved as i knew it was stupid but also a teeny bit disappointed, but now at least i know that there is people i can be attracted to and want to talk to, that may actually like me back idk but its something at least...though they couldve at least liked the last message that is what i would do lol i might mute their insta stories for a few days just so i dont feel a type of way but also I'll put of a pic on mine hopefully looking alright haha but thats petty as shit and feeds into me wanting them to text when i know its dumb territory

Update 15 dec 2023, 5 days after the start of this post....so the texting didnt stop nor did i post something up, they had text me in like nearly 24hrs when i wrote this but at the weekend at 12.15am my time so 1.15am for them they text me, when clear they were out out/drinking it was an innocent text but i could tell they were out because of the spelling (i know they cant speak english good but it was different to their other texts and the time made me put 2 and 2 together) even though i was awake i didnt text back at that time haha that seemed like an even worse idea then the two of us texting normally does...i was suprised when it was deleted the next day and weve been continuing are texts since then its basically had only been one response to each per day and incredibly innocent and they had been sending some as voice notes as they said it was easier to speak then spell for them in english and hearing them say my name in the way that nonirish or british do (they say it as knee-cole rather than nih-cole) was a feeling haha....but yeah it had been incredibly innocent nothing i would be worried with cuz hey in my head maybe they couldve been just like nicole was a cool person that i met id like to keep in touch with them, because like i said its been incredibly innocent texts helped by only one message and a short one at that too...but today they implied slight more than you are just an interesting person as they added a 😙 to the end of their text (never one to flirt i had sent my normal 😊😅 alongside my replies to the text) as for their reply...they stupidly asked me about work even though i said im currently out of work because i dont start my new job until late january...and their reply was smooth and scary for me "ah that's good then that means we can text more 😏" with a fucking smirk emoji!!! like shit so it isnt all innocent which im still 50/50 because again were both dumb for texting each other diff countries diff languages etc etc, but know they know i dont work so i dont realistically have an excuse not to text them back for like 16hours which is shit haha but also like damn? and I cant really talk about this to anyone because it is all still fairly innocent and been going on for less than 2 weeks so i cant say it to my friend (the one who introduced us) as it is to early to mention when they could just stop talking to me tomorrow and as for my other friend shell think im stupid for responding hahahah

update 16 dec 2023

so I did reply and to my reply they said they were in work and theyd reply later which is fine especially knowing that i dont work rn, but a funny thing happened the slight flirtier text was that we could text more and they put the kissy emoji to the next evolution 😘 which dear god why i never know what to do but i liked it through the notifications bar, and the later on my walk checked that it sent and it did, but later in the evening when i very much knew theyd be off work especially because their timezone is an hour ahead i went to check my messages and it came up that i never opened their text the stupid like didnt send or unsent or something idk but that was funny and stupid for me and we text back and forth for a bit again very innocent...but they again was out with their friends and its clear that theyre someone who goes out or drinks at least every weekend, which shouldnt be suprisisng as thats how i met them, but it calls the stupidity of our interactions into question what if they get drunk and tell their friends they are still texting the girl from the drunken make out who lives in a different country and doesnt speak their language and that makes them realise were being stupid or if they drunk text me something big dumb or more realistically they meet someone else which is the most likely option and ill understand they wouldnt even have to warrant me a text they dont owe me anything that way, we literally made out once, but it will still disappoint me,....however as they have been getting brave again with their texts how am i meant to flirt and dear god if we make it to a sexting stage on what instagram that would be so fucking weird and also to what point unless they decide to do a trip to dublin (not staying with me) or gran can or some shit nothings ever going to happen...but this is just my stupid over thinking in question they could decide tomorrow to stop texting me or more realistically monday because theyll probs be out drinking again tomorrow, its only been like 12 days for all i know im just theyre manic pixie dreamgirl that blew in from a different country and had a slight interest in them and gave them more confidence then they generally do apparently (my friend and the other girl that knew them was suprised that they went in for a kiss and a long one at that) and when the idea of me goes so will the texting idk everrytime is dumb and i also like the idea and the possibility of them but is the fact that they are unattainable realistically the draw? idek lol

Update 17 dec 2023

So they were out last night, they had sent me a love heart at end of last text, but i was pretending to go out too so the text had just said speak to you tomorrow followed by ooh have fun too with the heart, which i just liked because that doesnt warrant a reply because all i could of said was okay or thanks...and they haven't text me all day, maybe the copped on that i have sent a kissy emoji or genuine heart emoji back or maybe they just realised the whole situation is dumb i dunno but either that was a last text or theyll text me in a day or too i just know i cant be the one to text again today, the ball is in their court because i know for the next month at least that im not going to see/make out with anyone -unless i go out to either of my uni friends but they both have partners so its not like we'd be going clubbing lol so chances of that are slim- so idm texting harmlessly and getting to know them and a bit of flirting but they are going to be the one who will have to either ignore my existence or straight out say something either like we'll see where this takes us or this is dumb lol.....its been a few hours after i wrote this last piece and it is very much clear to me that i want them to text and that scares me...because do i like them or do i just like the attention i have gone from at least 4 non family people (in ibiza i was surrounded by other roughly my age or in same experience and in college i was too) now it is only my mam and sisters, so is it the attention of someone who is not a family that i like or do i like them? and like clearly i like them enough that i gave them my insta and made out and danced with them that night when i had another option that night (a friend of theirs who tried too too hard) and to be honest they do seem like a genuine person their job is okay, they spend time with friends and family and theyre really sweet.....and this is a problem for me because i have caught the slightest of feelings for them or even just to see where this goes which could literally be already done by now if they dont reply until tomorrow because idk and yes i could easily text them and just be like hey how was your day but its 21.37 there now and i know they do be up early early like 6am so it would be late for them if i text now and also if they did meet someone last night i dont want to pop up as a notification ugh i shouldve text earlier but now its too late idk idk idk idk why am i so awkward

Update 18 Dec 2023

I kinda gave myself panic attack over the situation...because in my head i was like oh if they text me in the morning before they go to work its fine but they didnt and then i was also thinking maybe because i just liked their last message maybe they thought i wasnt interested and that was panicking me (when in reality it is more than likely because they realised its dumb that we text) so idk...but i left them a text there just hey how are you how was your weekend and a smiley face if they dont reply in 2 days i know its over (and id go in and delete my message lol) and they judt reply with good and no extension message I'll know and I'll try to fizzle it out like i was initally...it just fucks me up more because they had got a bit more flirty in the last couple of days if they hadnt i wouldve been fine leaving it the way it was idk but i feel like a dumb bitch for getting anxiety over it...update from many hours later, they did reply (though had i not text I'll never know if they weren't going to) and it was nice...then they later asked me for my actual phone number for whatsapp because it's somehow easier there idk idk what change having them on whatsapp will be but it who knows....however whatsapp in general scares me because i always feel so close to accidently writing or ringing the wrong person

Update 21 Dec 2023

So they added me on whatsapp and the texts continued they have been sending some kissy emojis and hearts and shit, though the conversations has been still very innocent...they sent a photo of themselves (and their mother technically haha) and though their head is probably the length of my torso because they are super tall they are still cute, which meant i was suppose to text them back a pic and i stupidly forgot to put it on the once off picture thing which sucks so it means they just straight up has my pic now but its an alright one im literally outside with my jacket hood pulled up and shit jaha....but they text me something brave and i dunno how to feel about it lol, like i get their idea because why would we bother to text if not to eventually meet up, basically they figured out I'm free until the end of jan and said they might potentially come to dublin....scary thought but exciting nonetheless...if they did come though, they must get a hotel cuz they cant stay with me and i would prefer if they came with a friend so there wouldnt be an immense pressure on me because we dont really speak the same language so of they came with a friend they can still do things together and then maybe we could meet up and if they did decide to come desr god let it only be for like 1 night 2 max because again so much pressure...but also if someone who i only made out with once and just very innocently text since flies to my country in the hope of going on a date/fucking me how would my ego ever recover lol...when they said about possibly coming to dublin i just replied with ooo that would be nice, as thats not a yeah totally book it in or its not a ew why would you do that its potentially like a maybe...but i was also talking to my friend and i do need to make it clear that im going to gran can and i wont be able to easily hop back and forth to amsterdam like maybe when im in mallorca it would be easier but who knows lol its crazy and i feel like i need to text the friend whos in amsterdam for more advice lol but shes going to think im so fucking dumb for texting them but she is also the most romantic out of us all so i think she would be the most like aw no way but i need to make sure she is in ibiza when i text haha so she cant spread it to her friends and it gets back to them that ive been talking about them....also theres the possibility that it won't happen and the possibility that between now and new years even that they'll meet somebody else and all will be done so idk whether its worth it to tell her ill wait until the 27th of dec to tell her thats 6 days I'll see what happens there....and also the weird thing about the texting is weve never been like oh i like you or your cute or hot or whatever and they had been sending the emojis and i was just sending back smileys but when they said goodnight after the dublin thing i sent back a love heart for the first and i havent got a reply but f them i replied first the other time they can text if they want to if not fine

Update 22 Dec 2023

so they still havent replied since i did the love heart with the goodnight and tonight is friday so theyll be defo going out so I'm probably not going to get a text again i think that was it lol but im going to post a pic to my insta later and one of the field on whatsapp to get them to maybe see it lol...in a very insecure insecure way im thinking why when i finally send them back a heart after them sending it to me and me just doing smileys have they not text the insecurity in me is thinking were they only texting to see how long or what would make me send something back or express emotion i know that a shitty insecure way to think but it is where im at right now like even if they had replied at all yesterday or today it wouldve been better i wish i didnt put the heart at the end of it because it came up seen and all so they clicked onto it....well at around 9 ill post a picture on insta so theyll see it and i wonder if then ill get a text lol.....they viewed my story so like why not just text me, i know i said it would be okay if they stopped and it would but like not on a vulnerableish text if even if it was just a hear emoji lol...and more so like why did they get me on whatsapp, why didnt they just leave it with insta, they text for a couple of days and brave texts too on whatsapp for what reason? at least had it of just been insta you could just let if fizzle out like but why oh why....and the annoying thing is i do really want them to text but i really cant be the one to text back this time i also have been on my period for this journey which also isnt helping so i dont know how much my emotion is my own or just dumb hormones but still ghosting after them last few messages wtf

Update 24 Dec 2023

So it's been 4 days since the last text so I think thats that, shit that the end was at xmas and I also was on my period so i was feeling the hormones hard, but i really don't see them texting again and i am not going to as my 'goodnight 💕' was the last text so it really is on them, and i know 4 days isn't really a long time but when it had been a text or half text everyday it does seem like a lot...and unless i get a text tomorrow or the 26 saying sorry i was busy or just merry xmas how are you i will make no attempt to text them back....but again why ghost after getting flirty mentioning dublin and finally get the heart off me why dip then? dip when it was just how are you good what about you dip at boring times not when things are getting flirty but whatever i have know since the start that it was dumb dumb...but i am self aware enough that i know ill probably panic write about this over the next week lol

Update 25 Dec 2023

will i be desperate and send them a merry christmas even though they never text? it is such a desperate plea for a text and they could ignore it or worse like it its just going 10pm there will i chicken out out is it way to desperate will i leave until 10.30 here so its 11.30 there so it will seem like a drunk text who knows not me will update later....desperate me left a merry christmas 😊 text ew i hate myself for it lol

Update 28 Dec 2023

They did reply and weve been texting a bit again just really about xmas and families stuff like that...I can tell that they too, are insecure, from two separate mesage interactions one was the sent a picture off the table of an afters party and then basically sent an oh shit that on the table wasnt from me (a bag of weed was what they were implying, but everyone in my fam smokes it and they're from amsterdam and it was only weed and alchol on the table lol) which i thought was funny because like why send the pic apart from to show off that they were out lol but when i said i didnt care they were oh i was worried when i realised what was in the photo (i think nah i think they wanted my opinion on weed lol) the 2nd insecure thing was when we were talking about family i asked them was there family big and they responded but they are a multiple small texts texters whereas im paragraph texter but if you join the small texts it basically makes one paragraph text lol and yes my response to what they were saying was a bit dry but i was responding hours later and it was more of a statement that they had sent rather than something i could yes and, and then a good while later they replied, and i paraphrase, "four messages one story a little too enthusiastic 😅" initially i thought it was a dig at my response and like it is kinda because it implies that while they feel like they overshared it didnt seem like i was interested or something idk but it shows that they were insecure enough about their interest in texting me that they text me that if that makes sense? While i am not one to be puffing up someones ego i did text them back that it was realisticaly 2 sentences and they were responding to something i had asked (i didnt add this part but it wasnt like they randomly volunteered the info) but thats the end of the insecurity shit....so yeah weve been texting again id say only because i started up the texting again and theyve sent like a hi with a heart and a goodnight with like a smiley or like kissy emoji but again tonight when they sent goodnight with the kissy emoji i only replied with the blushy smiley because after i sent the heart the last time i got ghosted lol so we'll see im not going to start the texts tomorrow so well see if they do who knows (while it seems desperate i am not going to say i wont text them im giving myself until new years eve to be desperate and text lol i needed something to do in this time void until then lol)

Update 30 Dec 2023

The texting continued bla blah blah but theyve asked me to facetime tomorrow which fucking scares me! Im awkward enough in texts/in person but video call is even worse? and how the fuck am i meant to look good and not worry and it is also nye tomorrow and how will i not be overheard if theyre getting ready to go out? or worse again if im minding my nephew i cant exactly sneak away for a facetime (also i dont have facetime so itll have to be on whatsapp) dear god this is awkward!!......this is from 4pm the following day - i replied to them pretty late but still replied, i had said "yeah sure" to the facetime and then they had they had been with there friends so i just said "cool, i was watching a movie with my sisters" which would also explain the longer wait time in replying...they 'seen' the message just before 9am this morning and just never replied lol, which again like the time with the hearts is annoying because why ghost after you get me to reply the way you wanted me too? i never suggested facetime (it literally never even crossed my mind as an option lol) so like were they drunk when they text it yesterday and realised this morning and chickened out idk idk but still it would be easy to ignore the facetime part and still text...but in anyways i had sent the reply and they havent responded and it wasnt even a goodnight or have fun that didnt respond to so its not like a hey new day text so its a bit more awkard.....

Update 31 Dec 2023 NYE

okay so out of no where no where no pretext which is so strange like bro we havent done a videocall before you can't just randomly ring after not texting and never calling before...i did have make on and my hair done but i was in my pjs haha i never locked my phone sceeen as fast hahaha...ovo i didnt answer i waited 15mins and said oh sorry i didn't see it i was having some food and they were like oh whoops or some shit and i said if you give me 5 mins i could and they said they were at a friends? what in 15 mins bahaha but i said maybe another time then because i dont want our first call to be infront of their friends like wtf and they said the same but now theyre like oh ill text you if theres a right moment like okay? idk....they calls randomly again i answer, and theyre saying theyre nervous etc but they are saying this as fireworks are going off in the background and as theyre walking and i cant hear shit because its all crackling and all and then theyre trying to say about their english and im just nodding being like its okay etc meanwhile i cant hear shit hahaha they said theyll ring me at 12 which is grand for me cuz thats 11 hahaha unless they call at 12 my time then thats a bit more awkward...no ring thankfully as things got fucked up at up at home at that point but they did text later but again they were drunk i also didnt reply until like 4 today as i was babysitting and just really tired haha but they replied, i sent back a quick reply to which they seen but never replied so as the saying goes idk if that was it lol...also i almost told the girl who introduced that we still text but everytime they dont reply im like this is why i havent bothered hahaha because i dont want to make it a big deal but when she returns to amsterdam she could bump into them plus if she happens to go out to the same group the group all know as they sent me random pics of the group or with people from the group in the background so they have more than likely mentioned theyre still texting the short irish girl, so i would feel weirder if she found out not by me but i also dont want to text her in case she makes it into a thing or worse talks to them about it lol but idk im leaving my own country in less than a month so idek what im doing in anyways....i still want them to text though lol why is everytime i say something about the situation to one of my friends they then proceed to ghost....and i had said id allow myself to be stupid until new years eve but idk i can be the one to text again like will thie happen each time theyre drunk idk

Update 3 Jan 2024

The text from new years day has still gone unreplied so i think ive been ghosted (they currently have a story up on their insta but i havent clicked it yet) so it kinda sucks that ive been ghosted i did like texting them and it had been texting albeit short mostly innocent texts for a month, but it sucks that the ghosting came after the like video call and shit do they only have confidence to text when drunk idk....but my friend that introduced us i had to tell because she returned home and she does go out with the them and their friends and they had been sending me pics with such friends in the photos so they probably knew that they were texting me, so i didnt want my friend to go out and them mention something and her not know...i made her promise not to tell i spoke of it tho..but it sucks i had to tell her at the same time of ghosting lol....they had put up a story a random ass one i wonder whether it was to see if i see it but then again theyre the one leaving me on read so idk but then i put on my winter insta ?carrousel? can't spell the word, and they liked it! brooooooo why i get that it could just be im strangely friends with this girl ill give it a like but brroooooooo dont leave me on read then like my post! i do like that they liked it tho!....and ive been in some sorta 'mood' that i havent been in for months so i wish they were in my city and obviously talking to me lol...and also they were so sweet and shit i am a dumb dumb dumbbbbb bitch i shouldve never replied more the day i came back to ireland lol i knew i was being a thick but ah well.... and depending how other things go in the morning i might text them

Update 17 Jan 2024

so it has been a while since i last updated...i did indeed text them that time, im kinda glad i did because we are still texting now...

and we did a like 15/20min video a week or so ago and it was really nice tbh like dont get me wrong it was very basic but i could feel that i was smiling the whole time or trying to hold the smiles in and it wasnt like they were saying anything to particular make me smile i think (puke emoji) it was just there presence?

i also definitley think their mam knows about me, i know the friends do already because they would send me pics with them...but the mam thing yeah, when the vid call started the mam started saying something in dutch to them and they were speaking back and they turn to me and was just like oh she is going to bed now and the mam shouted to the phone in english goodnight which means it was directed for me...but to be fair it is just them and their mam and they were going to be doing a call in a language that is native to them with a person of a different gender and if it was a friend they ovo couldve just spoken dutch to them so i get they mightve had to explain but still haha...

in the call i made it clear as well that my job will be in gran can (i didnt say for how long) but to be fair it is still in europe and the summer placement will be europe too i get gran can is further than ireland but like either way wed have to get on a plane to see each other so idk man

but yeah were still texting and its been cute i had a awkward one with a pic that i forgot to set to one time view...i make sure that i only would send pics id feel comfy with being on my story but the one i sent them was slightly a bit more booby lol

#nicoletxt #personal

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anarchistbitch · 7 months

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well it's not like according to tradition I replied in a timely manner lmao dont worry about it

sfjkfjsdk me too, i dont usually make playlists, i just leave everything in my liked and shuffle it and let it be what the universe dictates but idk i felt like getting them into one playlist

well if you add pepa pig id burst out laughing in the middle of a call probably and one of my work friends would probably shout "send her to sleep" bc thats what we say when we send clients back bc we cant do anything from our end so it would be funny and we would just ultimately skip it lmao

im looking forward to whatever songs you add, the playlist is long as fuck already tbh so it might take a while for the oli london song to come on

SFGDSJKFGDS well in my defense I had to ask bc i didnt know how long youve been on tumblr so yeah (shiro's cloning and the episode about it and the fight with keith)

anyways i motherfucking hated that they exploded adam and then tried to console us with curtis but anywaaaaaaay the fanfic is dirty laundry which if you were in the fandom i doubt you didnt end up hearing of it or at least the discourse around it but anyway it got deleted but i had it downloaded so have a google drive link https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwU9LMiUJoN7RjFWSGZVUlJQd1U/view?

yeah, the whole not enrolling classes in uni is a mess and i try not to think about it too much rn (i am seeing a therapist and i hope that by next year i have figured out what i want to do) but i like my job, we(my team)'re actually planning to rent a house and stay there a weekend very soon to celebrate our supervisor's bday :'3

making choices that will greatly impact our futures is seriously so hard, and i also not qualified for any career advice but manifesting that whatever you choose in the end allows you to be happy

just last night it started raining hard so i got up to turn off the fan but then like two minutes later i got up to turn it on again bc even tho it was raining it is still so fucking hot, seriously hate the weather rn

god mountains are so preetty, specially when the weather is cool and they get all foggy

atsv is a masterpiece and it continues from itsv so damn well, i really do love it and i hope hollywood gets up it's ass and pays their workers what they're owed so we can see it soon

KJSDFJKSDFHJS i am still seeing so many miguel o hara edits everywhere for real, i gotta say tho im in love with hobie and pavitr

JKSHFJS i used to do something similar with fob, i had a lot of them printed out and would put them on my binder cover so that i could memorize the lyrics so i was all day everyday singing them until i memorized it and the changed it for another song

idk how id rank fob albums, its so hard when theyre soo good but i really do love so much for stardust, aside from that one i think my favs are save rock and roll and american beauty american pyscho, mania was the first album i was a fan of them when it came out so it has a special place in my heart as well

my special lyric is part time soulmates full time problem, ive always been a fan of soulmate aus and hhhhhhhh just makes my brain smooth, also we started off as shiny dimes but we got flipped too many times, we did it for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never going to change 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

cheers to us and our interesting meeting jdfshjf

love you and i hope you have a good week :3 get plenty of rest and fun and water!!

-M

i feel like if we had a competition on late replies i would emerge victorious😎(crying inside)

honestly fall is prolly the best time to make playlists[not that im gonna, but sure is a nice time yk] but ahhhh anyway!!!! havent added anything but u will know when i add it <3

check hello tumblr user nonbinarymikaela pls provide access to the drive check [i checked out of any fandom drama cause i had so many exams that yr lmao. only time the edu system saved me]

[this is me actually hi]

honestly idek if i like my degree rn, like i really wanted to go for a history degree a couple years back before i changed my stream[its a whole educational system thats actually fucking fucked in india i hope it dies soon💜] but on the flip side - it was pretty hard to get a spot in my uni anyway so now im just in a whirlpool of smth. bleh

thinking of how next year is so close is like skewering me and roasting me like a kebab😭😭😭😭[but like dont keep a strict timeline yk, ur like seriously cool and i think any decision you take will be the best as along as your the one taking it ] [i wish i had answered this earlier so i couldve wish you good time on ur retreat but i hope it was good anyway💜💜💜💜💜💜💜]

man i need to like seriously cope up with my decisions cause i need to take an exam for my career which is seriously sooo..... but yea thats how its going

omg its raining here too and my college[which is seriously just a reformated jungle] turned into a swamp ish and they STILL didnt cancel classes. and i forgot my umbrella. i came back home like a sad wet cat .

gotta love that near-to-the-equator ass weather with climate change [i need to kill billionaires rn]

hope the strikes come to a fruitful end soon[for saf-aftra & iatse !!! fuck the amptp!!] but also i wouldnt mind waiting a couple years for btsv if the animators need that time to like animate in a safe and healthy manner yk

OH wait also im on my halloween movies watch rn!! just finished the addams family and watching paranorman rn [i need a gomez man btw. need him to be silly and obsessed and intense.and mwah]

[also if u wanna watch an indian series made in heaven is pretty cool(its okay-ish in terms of writing but it covers some very important social issues + the main leads are hot and dubious. what more do i need to watch a show)]

hobie kinda scratched a very specific itch in my brain like i want to be him AND kiss him , pavitr is so slay, and o'hara needs like a massage session thing where they unlock the trauma in ur knees or like a stamlo 50mg.

me & my friends fav fob lyrics was the 'how the mighty fall' cause we would do that "fall out...boi" intro everytime lol

i dont think i have a fave lyric but i think immortals was a top contender for reasons[i like big hero 6 :3]

Song rec: nothings new by rio romeo (saw it in a reels animatic and .. yea)

to many more yrs of late asks 🥂(appy juice cause i dont like the taste of alcohol)

my love and hopes to u💜💜💜 and also an umbrella for this weather☔

p.s. drink water/soup/iced tea + i care for u+ W in the chats

#m for mwah! and MWAH

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namuneulbo · 1 year

Text

week sixty-four

this week. woah. it was......... a lot.

well, to start off... i have a crush on v. i figured this out on monday and since then its gotten so severe lol. monday to friday was spent thinking ab him and also apparently not hiding it very well from l. ill come back to this later but this entire chapter will for sure be ab him and also in sm detail.

ive kind of talked a lot ab him and just my “new friends” in general a lot w l and my mom. i think my mom even has suspicions that i like either d or v (bc i talk ab them the most prob).

i started spamming n, s and t and also i, m and t ab him. i wont be able to cover what i told them all individually but n def received the most detailed info yet only one pic (WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY EMBARRASSING ONE I TOOK ON BEREAL WHEN IT CUT EVERYONE OUT AND THEIR POSES SO IT WAS JUST HIM NOT POSING AAAAA I FEEL LIKE A MOM WHO TAKES PICS OF HER KIDS WO CONSENT TT). i talked A LOT w s ab him too and w t i just spammed quickly on monday/tuesday i think, i cant bother checking. when i told i, m and t they immediately asked for a pic and i was scared theyd bully me lol but they said hes solid WOO! s approved of him too, saying the nail polish and his guitar made him seem very much like my type.

ill give u all who might be reading this a lil description of his pros. i would say a reminder to future me as well but yk maybe we end up together so :* heres what weve got so far:

- hes taller than me.

- has a niiiiiice voice.

- nice sense of style. its like basic as in plain colors (pretty much only black, hell wear white sweaters or super dark colors). it looks so good.

- hes a metalhead (+ we have two bands in common, ghost and polyphia).

- piercingssss!

- hes so talented, like he can play guitar, drums AND piano flawlessly.

- hes funny.

now to his cons: he’s not fully single. so. um. idk if theyre dating or in a situationship or just talking but its something for sureeee.

i dont ever want to like, break them up on purpose or like make moves on him while theyre talking bc im not a fucking douchebag. it is quite sad seeing them together though. i cant help but dislike the girl hes w a bit even though i dont want to, shes really cool and gorgeous and nice im just so O_o

on wednesday we had band class and i was MESMERIZED. he had a concert that same day so he was dressed up in a navy button-up, black jeans cuffed over a black pair of chelsea boots. i had to leave a couple times during practice bc i had to practice harmonies w the singers and i remember literally feeling sad ab not being able to stare at him playing the piano so perfectly.

in the evening i went out to the bar for the weekly music quiz they do. i went w a, c and v at first but later on d and p joined (not dan and phil sadly). i was super awkward lol but it was my first time hanging out w just them and it felt so,,,, new to me. im glad i did it though, ig? i got to see him even if it was awkward. also, i think d has my old backpack that i left to a thrift shop. its a floral pattern w black faux leather details and gold buttons. its quite cute and it fits him really well.

i did eventually warm up a bit but nothing crazy.

i was already comfy around c but after wednesday, i was also comfy around d. he was so nice that i even questioned if i liked him as well but turns out i was probably really desperate TT i tend to never be interested in ANYONE when i like someone and thats really obvious now. even though my chances w v r low, i still deleted all my dating apps and stuff bc i dont have the desire to go on them as of rn.

on friday i had been CRAVING a party to go to all day. i was just waiting for someone to send a message saying “yo, party at vs place!”. we usually party at his place. i literally ranted to my mom ab how bad i was hoping for someone to throw a party and this wasnt even just bc of getting to see v but i was genuinely so socially starved. finally, around 19:30 id say, someone sends a message in the class gc telling everyone ab a party at his place. i immediately message l begging for them to come w me and even saying if they dont, ill go either way bc i want to go so bad. they end up declining and i go to the party myself. i get ready in a few minutes, just fixing my day-old makeup and eating and drinking water and stuff so i wont throw up the second i drink alcohol. i was so quick and i was walking w such speed around the house so i think my mom has probably started to connect the dots now that theres someone i like bc im never that excited ever. i leave along w my mom who took the dog out for a walk. since v lives so nearby she walked w me pretty much the entire way.

id never usually be this confident but i had been talking w s the entire day and she hyped me up SO much. i actually love her sm for that. i arrive there, v throws down his keys from the balcony, i catch them and go up to his apartment. i was a tad bit quiet in the beginning but i really tried to force myself to just relax and look cool and i did after a little while. we blasted metal and one of the first things they did was that everyone of them, c, d and v, went out for a smoke so i joined in even though i dont smoke but i enjoyed the lil passive smoking sesh on the tiny balcony, stuck behind d and v.

(bereal just went off, vs so cute).

anyways, i quite quickly felt more relaxed, i kinda forced myself to sit more,, relaxed and stop fidgeting and i got more included in the convo by queueing songs to play. i first asked v to queue kingslayer by bmth and babymetal and he was super excited ab it so i was so glad he liked it. we listened to it on a party a whileeee ago and i remember being so excited ab the fact that he liked that song too. a had arrived by now and hes v good to have there in that sense that he will make me join in the convo somehow if i havent talked in a while. he made me queue another song and i queued drowning lessons by mcr. i was so caught by surprise and i always get so shit at using tech shit and the internet in front of ppl, idk why, so v started guiding me on what buttons to press TT i hadnt thought of drowning lessons in the first place actually but i just kind of naturally went w mcr for some reason and then ended up choosing my fav song by them. we listened to it and v was like “DID HE JUST VOICE BREAK???” and i was like “oh, maybe? i mean its their first album so the mixing and recording might be a bit shit” and he replayed the part and was like “THERE IS A VOICE BREAK!” and c started explaining to him in distress that its just how u sing punk TT after a while v was like “its still going? how long is it?” and checked and it was right before the outro and i was like “waittt, we havent gotten to the best part yet!” and he leaves it and the breakdown comes and he does a stankface and just looks at me like “oh, a breakdown ending, hell yeah!” and i was so happy haha

last song i queue is taking you out by passcode. as i was typing it v read out what i was typing and kept guessing songs, heh, it was so cute. he asked me ab the band and stuff and then said like “oh, she growls really well for a woman” and the proceeds to elaborate in distress that he didnt mean it in a misogynistic women-cant-growl type of way but in a its-genuinely-harder-for-a-woman-to-do-metal-growls. it was quite cute, he tends to do that a lot, like overexplaining things so ppl dont think hes being a dickhead even though he says very normal things TT its so cute and it really shows that he cares.

i mentioned that i was ab to start learning growling w my vocal teacher and how she also said she wants to get the singer of finntroll to come and teach growling to me (WHICH IS SO COOL???). v was like “oh my god, im also ab to practice growling w my vocal teacher” and then when i told him ab the singer of finntroll thing he got so excited and just “what??? for real??? thats so cool???” and proceeds to be like “omg, when ur w him tell him uve got a friend who wants to have a lesson w him too” and c joins in and says the same. i felt so cool in that moment haha

me, c and d went out to go meet the ppl from school who had been touring all week. before we left i went to pee and literally on the toilet i was smiling sm bc i felt so comfy and happy and all that in that moment like, i was talking to him??? and he was talking back???? and he smiled???? he wanted to talk to me????? i did a lil happy jump sesh after i washed my hands. then otw to school, me, c and d were jumping around and running and yelling. them bc they were drunk, me bc i was so excited abt finally feeling comfy w them + obviously getting to talk to v successfully after crushing so hard on him the past week. i was so happy too bc i finally felt like i kind of belong. i felt for the first time true that like “oh my god, they dont hate me!”. so while meeting the ppl at school i was sooooo happy and like greeting everyone and just smiling and feeling so cool and included and aaaaaaa i was so happy i cant even explain it. c and d r the coolest ppl ever!!!

we went back w s + we left d behind for a bit, sorry d!! now this was when i was truly connecting the dots between s and v. partypooper. i did tag along to the bar w all of them afterwards though. i just went by my place to eat something and get my id.

i arrived to the bar and i sat down next to c at first but later moved next to d so i could sit on the couch. me and c went to buy drinks and then d left to go smoke. there was an awkward space between me and v so i tried to subtly move closer to him and later when d came back he just sat in the spot i sat earlier so i sat between him and v.

more ppl arrived and i ended up becoming squished between d and v. NOW THIS. this changed me as a whole human being. i have been terrified of men all my life and w not specific reason bc the thing is that its not rooted in like, being scared that theyll do something, i just genuinely get more tense around men than women. this moment was so, special to me and not just bc i was squished next to v and our arms and legs were in constant touch but like, i got this kind of realization that, maybe i dont need to be nervous. like, theres nothing to worry ab. i trust d and v. theyre really nice. d i was already comfy w since wednesday and v i just that evening got comfy w. although i am touch deprived i really just,,, felt so happy, safe and relaxed in a group if people, in the middle of two men. i didnt feel the need to fidget out of nervousness and stuff. i was just, calm.

v looks over at me and asks me how drunk im planning to get. he himself says he wants to be so drunk he throws up. i jokingly reply saying i dont want to throw up. he starts showing me a scale w his hands, going down from ten and giving each level its own name so like “this is throw up drunk, this is like this and this is that...” and i end up saying i wanna get slighty above drunk and hes just like “so like a six?” and i nod. he says something along the lines of “thats cool, thats solid”.

later a girl sits next to d and begins talking w her. he starts whispering w v over my lap and i just sit there laughing awkwardly, hoping someone would notice and laugh w me as well. they dont talk for too long but they do this again later and talk for like two minutes straight over my lap and i just use this time to admire vs back and his ear piercings. d apologises and i chuckle and tell him its fine and that i didnt mind (i really did not bc i am truly so touch-starved). d later tells me ab this girl and bc of the music he has to really be close to my ear and talk w me. we talk like that for a while and he says hes glad i understand his situation. long story short, this girl had apparently been trying to flirt w him even though he has a girlfriend. i think he handled the situation really well.

v once again looks over at me, this time as were both kind of resting against the booth, bodies facing each other. he just asked how i was feeling today but it felt so intimate and i was savoring the conversation and eye contact as much as i could. i told him that i was really craving social interaction today so i was really glad i could tag along w them. he acted a bit funnily so i asked him how drunk he was. he said he feels a bit sick. idk why but that convo was so :’) i am TREASURING it.

him and s decided to leave, making almost everyone else leave. i stayed for a bit w a and c and some other unknown ppl but decided to leave after a bit. while me, a and c went out when they went to smoke i saw a bunch of ppl from both elementary and middle school. d, l, n and t. i was kind of hoping one of them wouldve noticed me earlier while i was w v and all the others so they could be like “omg shes sitting next to two guys, i wonder if shes dating anyone of them” or like “omg she has such cool friends now”.

okay, thats all on friday. saturday however, i met up w l for a bit, i tell them ab my crush on v. i sit them down, hold their hands and keep eye contact.

“so on wednesday we had a conversation on tiktok and i talked ab how boy obsessed i am feeling these days, right?”

they continue looking at me, asking me if this is ab e. i dont tell them yet.

“so after i said that, u said ‘well as long as its not d or v bc ik theyre the only friends we have but i assure u there r better alternatives’”

they begin staring at me in shock and yell:

“l! not them, omg! which one is it- no, wait. let me guess... d?”

i look at them for a bit before replying: “its not d.”

“ITS V? L, NO U CANT!” and they kick me as im laughing so hard im falling of the bed.

“IT IS! i have a fucking crush on v!”

we talk ab this for a while and i tell them ab friday and all that and it was sm fun lol

after me and l ahd hung out i went out to a proper party held at school. like dancing-beer-pong-bar kind of party. i met d and some others outside of the enterance and say hi. i then go inside and immediately meet c and c. they bring me to the dance floor and shows me where all the drinks r and everything. i see v playing beer pong. i dont like dancing at all so i join for a bit but leave soon enough. i sit and talk w a for a while. when v sat down on the same couch i was in i told a who was sitting on the other side that she could sit down on the couch properly instead of just sitting on the armrest and so she did and my evil plan worked, i got to move even closer to v. after a while it was finally our turn to play beer pong, we played w just water though. it was my first time playing and i was in the same team as a. she was so good? we played again v and two others. it was so humilating to play against v but my team won thanks to a. she was really awesome. during our last cup, v tried distracting me by hovering his hands over the cup but it literallyt made me aim better bc i could look at his hands TT he only distracted me w his hands and never a.

i left after s arrived to the party bc i got so sad seeing her w v lol but i was overwhelmed by the party anyways lol

sotw: bring me the horizon - alligator blood

#diary #tumblr diary #namuneulbo

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frecklystars · 2 years

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i dont know if im overreacting bc im so used to ppl tracing my starkeri art, but. there is one artist who has been gaining a lot of popularity recently and they... used to trace my art... i told them to stop and they stopped at least for a few months... but their icon is still very similar to mine except the hair color is different + in one drawing i noticed just about every single sparkle was traced with a starscream selfship drawing they made, except they replaced my S/I with theirs obviously. but. every sparkle. was traced. and idk what to do at this point bc it’s been months of back and forth and a lot of my friends even reached out to this person but nothing has rly changed. and now i just feel kinda sick when i see their stuff in the STSC tag... all their stupid sparkles and diamonds and heart shapes all over their stupid transformers characters in the exact same poses that i’ve drawn and all those sparkles in the exact same place that i’ve drawn, they just changed the colors. and ppl are like “wow your art is beautiful” and im just........................ tired

#delete later #vent #i dont rly wanna... talk much abt it i just needed to get it off my chest #if i get messages abt it i might not answer im not in a social mood rn but i needed to vent #im so bitter my starscream shit is always traced #my PERSONAL art no less #my starkeri drawings are the only things that i can look forward to making after a shitty work day #i hate that i cant post ANY of my art now without stressing someone is gonna take it #this is why i never posted any of my bruno art bc i dont trust anyone #any time i release a popular character x myself ppl POUNCE on it #im kind of relieved to be thinking of robbie rn bc at least he's not as popular #not to a point where i think anyone would trace my art w/ him anyway/??

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fraysquake · 4 years

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so i’ve sort of dropped off the side of the earth yet again and i just want to quickly say sorry! i got some lovely birthday messages last month but i haven’t even really had the energy to reply or really open tumblr lately tbh. i think 2020 has just been harder on me than i expected, and i’m not doing as okay as i try to pretend.

i know why, i mean the fact that my state is back in lockdown with a curfew so i can’t really leave my house these days is messing with my head more and more. i miss my family and i miss doing theatre and rehearsing and feeling fulfilled. this was my first birthday since moving out and i couldn’t see my mum, much less hug her. and i missed her birthday too. i haven’t seen my friends in months, like since at least february tbh,

and then i just miss liz. fuck i miss her. i want to rewatch teen wolf but i can’t because it reminds me of our last silly conversation, and how abruptly everything changed. and i can’t write because whenever i needed inspiration i would chat to her or read her fics to get myself motivated. and her birthday is coming up so usually i’d be making some kind of cute gifset for her with several lengthy paragraphs about what she means to me. and now i just don’t know what to do and i just feel kind of numb and also i still get teary when i think about it so i’m just a bit of a mess.

idk what this post even is tbh but i wanted to get it off my chest so here we are. i think i’m just struggling more than i thought, plus still grieving my grandma since she only passed away end of 2019 and i’m not good at processing anything. idk. this year sucks and i would like it to be over so i can go back to my therapist again so i can go a day without bursting into tears.

#feel free to ignore #i just miss her and im struggling more than i thought i guess #i cant even think about writing or editing anything rn #and rewatching tw just hurts bc its the last thing we talked about #idk i might delete this later #just needed to get it out of my head and typed out somewhere

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